Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A figure sits on the floor by the bed. Their shoulders slumped, like their whole body had given up. 

They’re wearing headphones, the song blasting at full volume, they let the lyrics flow over them blocking the thoughts. It’s like they can hear the steady thumps of the heart monitor. 

Before they stop. 

Eyelids flutter shut. Tired. So tired. 

They believed in destiny time and time again. 

They told themselves that everything would turn out okay. 

It would be okay. 

But they can’t remember a time when it really was okay. 

Maybe hope is for those who are weak. Those who still like to believe for what’s to come. 

They used to believe it. 

Hope. 

They used to hope for something better that never seemed to come. 

A neverending cycle, story, song. 

Maybe for them there would forever be a never ending cycle of hoping and being let down. 

And a little while ago a question crept through their mind; what if i stop it?

If they stopped hoping, they could break the cycle. Never be let down again. Never hurt again. 

Why should I try to swim to the surface of the ocean when I have lived my whole life without air? 

Tired. With that thought they slip into oblivion. 

The song ends. The melodic sound of the singer’s voice disappears, leaving the thoughts to flood back until the next plays. 

New singer. New lyrics. A new story. 

And maybe that is what they have been doing their whole life. 

Stumbling from one experience to another. 

Yearning for something better. A change. 

It all ended the same. Disappointing. 

Maybe to put an end to all of this was to put an end to themselves. 

Chapter Text

It feels as though I can finally breathe again. 

It feels good to finally be back home. My shared apartment. 

I look at the clothes scattered around the room, the open luggage on the floor. I start organizing my clothes, everything folded and neatly put away. 

As I observe my room I hear the door close. I poke my head out of my door frame to see who has arrived. Looking over the figure before me, I take in her Hello Kitty shirt and loose jeans and the familiar scent of Frangipani and cinnamon. 

“Hi Piper” I greet, smiling wide, noting the bright pink suitcase that could make my eyes pop off. Her response was a squeal of joy before crushing me in a hug. “Good. To. See. You. Too” I manage to breathe out between her tight squeezes. She pulls apart and on her face is a smile, miles wide, her eyes crinkling in the corners. 

“How have you been?” she asks, looking me up and down. 

My smile falters “You know how my family can be” the half-truth spills easily from my lips. I feel the sting between my thighs as they press closer together. The truth far worse than what was said. 

“How about you?” I try for a cheery tone, keeping my mind off of the pain and keeping Piper oblivious. 

“I’ve been great! I have so much to catch you up on” 

“I’m sure you do, Pipes, but maybe get settled first” Piper looked down as if to realise she still had her luggage in her hand, agreeing to settle back in first. 

“Your brains sure haven’t left” 

It’s messed up. 

“Yeah” I said “They haven’t” I don’t let the lie slip into my voice. 

Get it together, Chase.

Piper scurries down the hall, suitcase in hand dragging behind her. I shake my head and walk back to my room and collapse onto my bed, laying on my back and pulling out my phone. A notification from Thalia pops up. 

Thalia🌲

Are you free? 

I was planning on going to the bar

My brother and his friends will be there

Going to the bar sounds fun but going out means having to put on the act of ‘Happy Annabeth’. The effort to smile, laugh even with the sting. Put on that mask of what everyone sees. The Annabeth they know and love. The Annabeth they want to see.  

Maybe I'm just being dramatic. It’s just friends. They love me. 

You’re being a fucking idiot. 

The voice isn’t a new one. 

My emotions aren’t what they once were. 

If I could fully remember. 

They’re diminished. 

I hadn’t seen my best friend for way too long. I could be happy for her. 

Annie🦉

Yeah I’m free, sounds good! 

Can you pick me up at 7:30? 

She thought about it before adding; And can Piper, Shell and Rachel come?

Thalia🌲

Yes PLEASE! The more the merrier

I don’t want to be stuck with Jason and his friends alone

I’ll be there @ 7:30 ;) 

I watched my phone go black, looking back at myself in the reflection. My curly, blonde hair a mess, thrown up into a ponytail. 

The time on my phone read 4:17 PM. 

Plenty of time to gather myself. 

I reluctantly sat up in bed, head pounding from coming up too fast. My feet brush the cool wood panels before standing up and walking to my closet. 

Presentable. 

I picked out a plain pair of jeans and a grey babydoll style shirt. I bundle the clothes and bring them into the bathroom, placing them on the toilet lid. Shedding the ones I was already wearing, I look in the mirror. My grey eyes look back at me, startling but I notice the bags under them. I notice the scars on my inner thighs and the ones scattered up higher on my hip. 

I tear my eyes away and turn on the shower to scalding. I feel the water dripping down my body. Down my face like the familiar tear streaks, down my arms, making trails down my chest.

 I leave the shower with my skin red and raw. 

Putting on my clothes I came to a conclusion; The jeans were automatically a bad decision as they rubbed against my thighs and stung like hell. 

Presentable. 

I work with what little makeup I have and fix my face. Covering my dark circles with concealer, brightening my cheeks with blush and highlighter. I aggressively brush through my hair and practice my smile in the mirror. When I’m happy enough with my appearance I leave the bathroom. 

I find my roommates all clustered in the living room doing various things. 

“Hey guys, Thalia invited us out tonight. You all happy to go?” I asked and received all positive answers back. They all talk about the impromptu outing, deciding outfits. 

I walk back to my room with random thoughts anxiously circling my head. 

God Annabeth, don’t embarrass yourself tonight. 

Stop being dramatic, you know you’re not this. Though who would actually care? 

Something Thalia had said a while ago resurfaces. “You’re way too hard on yourself, Annie. You have standards as high as the sky. You wouldn’t judge others for the stuff you do. You’d probably praise them” 

Maybe I should just relax. I’ll go to the bar and have fun with friends. 

Let myself get loose. I’m too uptight. 

I’ll smile and be happy. I’m with friends. 

Even when my heart yearns to cry. 

Chapter Text

Who would be so dumb to be crying out of nowhere? Certainly not me. 

Except I am on the floor, bawling. Again. Nothing even happened. My roommates were giggling at some dumb meme and it fucking triggered me. 

Maybe it’s because I feel so out of place. In my own apartment, where we should all be friends. I endure feeling like a ghost. 

My head pounds from my sobs but regardless I stand up and reach for my phone. I scroll to avoid cleaning my room, even though it was begging me to be cleaned. I didn’t have the energy. Getting up felt like a challenge and one I wasn't willing to take on. 

Or maybe you’re just lazy. Fatass. 

Every time I step out of my room the performance starts. I don’t know where the act ends and my life begins anymore. It’s all just a blur. Sometimes I have to slip on the mask even in my own room. I’m the “fun guy”. The glue of the group. I’m never seen without a smile, never heard without a laugh or joke or snarky remark. 

I do my very best to make sure no one has to feel like me. 

Like a shadow that lives inside my body.

I suppress every instinct telling me to run. Every inch of my fibre that aches to be seen. That sentiment that finds its way to me every night and keeps me up. That sentiment that roots itself in my head and sticks like glue. 

Loneliness. 

No one knows me. They know the actor. They hang out with the shadow of a man that pretends as if acting is the only thing keeping him alive.

It’s the very thing that’s destroying him. 

I sustain everyday the feeling of already being dead. The feeling of my slowly decaying body in the coffin. 

A ring coming from my phone snaps me out of it. 

Incoming video call: Jason, Leo, Nico

I sit up, wiping the tears from my eyes and praying they can’t see anything wrong. I’ve mastered the art of faking and hiding. 

Fake it

How long will I have to? 

Fake it. 

I swallow my emotions like a golf ball and shut them into my perfectly constructed neat box. 

I answer the call. 

“What’s up, man! We thought you wouldn’t answer our call!” Leo beams. 

“Come on, guys! Let me catch a break!” I wish I could. 

“Are we really that annoying that you need to” he makes air quotes “Catch a break?” 

Does he really think that? Do I annoy them? 

Of course you do. 

Percy panicked “You know that’s not what I meant, Sorry” 

Jason gave him a sympathetic look “Perce, you don’t need to apologise. Leo, we aren’t here to bicker. Anyway, we wanted to see if you wanted to go to the bar with us.” Jason smirked “There should be someone really special for Nico” 

Nico groaned “I already regret telling you guys about that. It really isn’t important” 

“Is that why you-and I quote-’exploded’ when he brushed your hand taking a drink from your hands?” Nico’s cheeks turned a violent shade of pink. 

“I hate you guys” he complained

“Nah, you love us” 

“And I'm seriously debating stopping” 

Percy listened as they argued. How could they be so carefree? Talk so freely? Be so easily themselves? They don’t need to hide. 

Maybe I don’t need to hide too. 

But would they like me all the same? Would they like me at all? 

No. No they wouldn’t. Being myself has never brought me any good. All it brought was yelling, glass bottles and sobs. 

Fake it. 

I guess that’s my life. 

The greatest actors don’t need to be famous. Don’t need their

name on the big screen. The greatest actors are hidden in plain sight. 

Chapter Text

As Annabeth heard the honk of the car outside, she did some last minute consolidating. She was going to be okay. She just had to fake it. She tested out her smile in the mirror. To her, it looked pained. To others, it was a regular smile. 

“Annabeth hurry up!” Called Rachel

She took a deep breath and called back “Coming!” 

Annabeth ran outside to the car, meeting the rest of the girls there. Thalia’s smile widened at the sight of her best friend. “Annie!” 

Annabeth rolled her eyes at the nickname Thalia insisted on calling her despite her open annoyance towards it. “Hey Thals” 

“Everyone ready?” Thalia asked 

“Yep!” Everyone chorused with enthusiasm and Thalia drove off. 

Arriving at the bar, Annabeth could already tell that she was going to hate this. It was so exhausting. 

Fake it. 

She plastered a smile on her face and walked into the bar, the others following closely behind. Annabeth spotted Jason and who she assumed were his friends. Annabeth hadn’t seen Jason in a while. His hair was neatly cropped, Roman style and he was wearing a purple shirt and baggy fitted jeans. Next to him was a short latino boy, brown hair wild and curly and a boy with dark hair and the greenest eyes Annabeth had ever seen. He was laughing at something Jason had said. 

Thalia called to her brother “Jason!” 

Jason turned his head and smiled “Hey Thals! You guys made it” 

“Of course we did. Now hand me alcohol” 

Jason chuckled “Anyone want anything?” 

Something strong enough to make me numb. 

“I’ll take whatever Thalia’s having” Annabeth voiced and Thalia nodded. 

“Get me something strong enough to kill me” she swore she heard the raven-haired boy mutter. She turned around. 

“What did you say?” 

“Nothing,” he brushed off. “I’m Percy” 

“I’m Annabeth. Nice to meet you” 

Annabeth sat in the booth across from him. She pressed her legs together and felt that familiar sting. A reminder. Grounding. 

She heard people talking, glasses clinking, music blaring, laughter and it was already becoming too much for her. She pressed her nails into her palms, trying to calm the itch. The itch to grab something, anything sharp. To repeat old habits. 

“Hey. You okay?” Percy looked at her with sincerity. Genuine concern. 

Annabeth blinked “Yeah. Yeah I'm fine.” He didn't push it, but kept looking at her like he knew. 

Don't let some stranger find out. 

Thalia and Jason returned with drinks, handing Percy and Annabeth theirs. Taking a sip, Annabeth pulled back at the taste of whatever Thalia had ordered. She heard Percy chuckle. 

“What?” 

“By the look on your face I take it you don't like it?” 

“It's..okay” 

He smiled and took a sip of his own “Sure” 

“Like yours is any better” she said 

Percy raised an eyebrow and slid his drink across the table until it stopped in front of her. “Try it” 

Annabeth paused, “Are you sure?” He nodded so Annabeth took a sip and immediately recoiled “That's worse than mine. Why is it so strong?” 

“So it kills me” he said flatly and Annabeth wasn't sure if she should laugh at his comment or ask more questions. She should've gone with the latter. She knew he had said something before. 

It got to 11 and Annabeth's eyes were drooping, she was tired. Not just from being out late. From everything. She rested her head on the table and watched Thalia talk and smile and laugh. She looked so happy. Annabeth smiled to herself, her best friend was happy. She was so carefree. Annabeth didn't want to ruin that. 

She got up and quietly excused herself to the bathroom. Locking herself into a stall, she sat on the toilet lid and scratched. She ran her nails down her arms, leaving red marks. 

It isn't enough. 

She didn't even realise she had started crying. Fresh tears dripped down her cheeks and created spots on her jeans. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

What is wrong with me? 

Annabeth leaned on the bathroom wall, closing her eyes. She sat on the cold tiled floor trying to calm down. 

In out. In out. In out. 

She sat there for a while. Longer than she should've. 

When she was grounded enough, Annabeth stood up and unlocked the stall. She fixed her smudged mascara. 

Presentable. 

A practice smile and she walked back out. 

When Annabeth reached the group Thalia gave her a weird look. “You okay, Annie? You were in there for a while” 

Annabeth nodded and gave her a small smile “Yeah, of course! I just um- it’s my time of the month I guess. I’m going to head home” the lie slid right off her tongue. 

“But-” 

“I can drive her” Percy spoke up “I was getting tired anyway. Let’s go Annabeth” 

Thalia grabbed Annabeth's wrist and pulled her into a hug “Are you okay?” she whispered into Annabeth’s ear. 

“Yeah. I’ll- I’ll see you guys back at the apartment” Annabeth pulled away and followed behind Percy. 

Sitting in Percy’s car, Annabeth said nothing. She kept her eyes looking out the window and the rest of the city blurring past. Eventually Percy broke the silence. 

“I know I'm a stranger, but-” he paused and licked his lips “but if you need it, I'm here if you need to talk.” 

I don’t want to burden you. 

“It wouldn’t be a burden if I'm asking,” he said, as if reading her thoughts. 

“How-” 

Percy’s eyes were still fixed to the road and his hands clutched the wheel. “I know that feeling. You’re not a burden, I promise you. It hurts to suffer in silence thinking no one cares and that’s it’s best to stay quiet. Not bother anyone.” 

I’ve known this guy for a couple hours and he already understands me more than my parents. 

Percy pulled up to her apartment and as Annabeth got out he spoke “Just- don’t do anything drastic. Something you’ll regret” she looked at him for a second as his words sunk in. 

“Thanks for the ride” was all she said before walking inside, up to her room and collapsing onto her bed. 

Don’t do anything drastic. 

Something you’ll regret. 

Yeah right. What did he know?

He understands more than you know.