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Chapter Text

Louis usually was a heavy sleeper and yet this morning he woke up with a headache. He remembered he woke up at least twice last night, both times feeling thirsty, his mouth was dry like a desert, worse than he felt during summer. Despite the chill autumn air in his room, he felt sweety, is if he was sleeping under the hot sun. Was he getting sick? The young pianist touched his forehead. He wasn’t a medic, but his skin didn’t feel like he head a fever, despite the headache. And his throat wasn’t sore, he was just thirsty. His nose wasn’t raining. He was good.

Still, he reached for the almost empty glass he left on his drawer and finished it with one gulp. The itching feeling in his throat felt less annoying almost immediately.

“Hey, Marlon, get up.” He mumbled in a hoarse voice, turning his head to the bed of his best friend. “We should…”

His voice dropped. He remembered. Shit. Just like yesterday, his first reaction this morning was to call for the closest person he still had in this world, the only person who really cared about him since the moment Louis was sent to this God forbitten school. But Marlon was dead now. Killed by a little kid. Worst part? This kid and his caretaker were still in the school and they needed each other, so there was a fragile alliance between them.

Even worse part? Louis still had feelings for her. Clementine. She wasn’t the one who raised that gun, but it was she who started this. She raised her kid, took his side in all this and provoked Marlon. And Louis still didn’t know how he felt about this.

Everything was so confusing and made his head spill. It turned out his best friend, the person he knew for years could do the unspeakable things. He handed the twins to raiders and told nobody. Not even Louis. Why? Maybe because he didn’t trust him well enough? Maybe he was right. After all, that night young pianist didn’t do enough to protect his friend. Instead, he covered Clem with his own body, chose the girl he barely knew instead of his best friend. It was so naïve to think that he could save them both. But what else could he do? Could he just let Marlon shot Clementine?

Well, one thing for sure – he should have paid a closer eye to AJ. He should have notice that the kid picked up the gun. Instead, he played a hero and it always led to the same thing – somebody died. Every time Louis tried to do something important, somebody always died. He should have stayed in his music room and let others deal with things. They were always better with everything.

Well, he couldn’t stay in the music room now. The raiders were going to come and they needed to reinforce this place, with Clementine’s help. And she was the last person Louis wanted to see now.

He didn’t want her to suffer. Maybe it was because of his stupid and worthless feelings for this girl, or maybe it was because deep down he knew that Marlon was to blame too. But he was dead and Clem and AJ were alive. No matter what, Marlon would never get a chance to atone, the word the kid loved so much. And he deserved more. They took this chance away and Louis was angry, and yet he didn’t want them to suffer. Why somebody always had to suffer? Why couldn’t everything just be peaceful? Why did AJ had to get shot too?

All Louis wanted was at least one thing that was messing with his head to disappear. There was just too much. Marlon’s betrayal of the twins, the raiders and on top of all that was Clem and his stupid crush. Why couldn’t she just quietly go away from his life? Then maybe he’d have more strength to deal with the rest of shit.

Maybe he could just avoid her? Last night he made a mistake visiting them, but he was really worried about the little boy and felt guilty for his injuries. He wanted them gone, but he didn’t want them to feel pain. But AJ was going to recover soon and Clem… she had a lot on her plate at this moment. They could pretend they don’t see one another. Maybe then everything would be more or less OK. Maybe then he’ll can survive all this mess without going crazy.

His throat felt dry again and he reached for the glass, but quickly dropped his hand. Right, it was empty, just like his brain was full of thought he didn’t know how to control.

The door opened without any warning and Louis tiredly looked at his visitor. Violet. Well, of course it was her. Part of Louis wanted to remind her of the rule of knocking before entering, but he dropped the idea. His head hurt too much to think of a decent joke and deal with Vi’s annoyance after that. Besides, he lived alone now and all kids in the school usually slept with their clothes on. There was nothing indecent Violet could spot entering the room.

Well, maybe exception of his tired face, bags under his eyes and ruffled hair.

“Get up.” Said the girl instead of greeting. “We have a lot of work to do. We don’t know when the raiders come, it can be today, it can be tomorrow. We’d better hurry.”

“What’s the point?” Louis reached for his coat he left on the railings of the bed. “They have guns and we have sticks and rocks. Haven’t you seen those two in the woods? That Lilly’s gun was bigger than my arm. Aren’t we trying to avoid the inevitable?”

“Clem has a plan.” Vi pressed her back to the wall. “And I’m not going to just give up. If they want to take me, they have to fight me first. Besides, whatever they want from us… maybe dying isn’t much worse.”

“If you say so.” Louis winced even though he agreed with her on this part. If those raiders needed solders, he didn’t fit the description. He wasn’t brave, he wasn’t smart and fucked up all the time. Dying here, fighting for a slim chance of hope, sounded better than dying there, fighting for the people who didn’t even care about him.

Maybe it would be better if AJ shot him, not Marlon. Marlon would at least know what to do. He would do right this time, Louis knew that. He wouldn’t give up on anybody. Maybe even got the twins back…

The young pianist bit his lip. Minnie. Sophie. Were they still alive after all this time? Were they still Delta’s prisoners or they died, fighting for their kidnappers? Minnie was so… delicate. She even hated killing walkers, pitying humans they once were. There was no way she survived for long.

Fuck, Marlon? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Those thoughts torn Louis’ heart into a million pieces.

“Louis?” Violet looked at him as if she could read his mind. “Do you think… the twins are still alive?”

The fact that she asked about this could only mean one thing: Violet was scared too and needed some support. Otherwise, she would keep all her thought and insecurities to herself, just like she usually do. Louis felt guilty again, thinking how much his friend had suffered one year ago, when everyone still though the twins were killed by walkers. He tried to be there for Vi, but all he could do was just offer her shoulder for support. He should have notice something sooner. For fuck’s sake, he lived in one and the same room as Marlon! Clem has been here only for two days when she notices what something was wrong!

Louis lowered his head. And yet again, he couldn’t throw the girl with golden eyes from his mind even now. Why was she still making things more and more confusing even now, when he didn’t even see her?

“I don’t know, Vi.” He stepped closer and gently rubbed his friend’s shoulders, a rare sign of affection he usually didn’t show because Violet didn’t accept it. “But I guess we will find out soon.”

She nodded and quickly stepped away from his touch, ready to face the future without showing any sign of weakness. In a way Louis envied her. At least she could look like she had everything under control. Him? He always had everything written on his face. Everyone knew when he was having a bad day.

“Come on.” There was familiar annoyance in Violet’s voice. She was ready to work and expected the same thing from everyone. “As I’ve already said, we have a lot to do.”

***

Of course, she had to be the very first person Louis saw as soon as they stepped outside. Everyone has been here, but Clem was still a first person Louis noticed. She was still dressed in her coat, it had several new blood spots on it now, probably after AJ’s injurie, there was a fresh bruises on her face after her “meeting” with raiders on the woods, and yet she still looked pretty. The prettiest girl he ever saw in his life and it was the final nail in his coffin.

God, why her? Louis has never though he’d have a crush on anybody. Technically there was nobody he could even fall for in this school. He has grown with other kids and now treated them like siblings. Or maybe it was because he wasn’t into red-heads like Aasim. Violet was the only blonde, but she also wasn’t his type even if he’d close eyes on her sexuality. Maybe he fell for Clem only because she was the only girl he didn’t know before the world has ended? Or maybe it was because of her golden eyes and pretty face he wanted to shower with kisses? How could he avoid her if he can’t stop staring?

This was so wrong. He was still angry and confused and all those emotions tore him apart from inside. And he didn’t even have time to deal with all that. Damn, everything was so simple several days ago. He still had the best friend and could allow himself to dream that maybe Clem would look at his direction. And she did, he wasn’t seeing things when he though she was accepting his attention, right?

Of course, he was seeing things. What exactly she did to make him believe that she could like him? Called him “prince charming” as a joke, beat the walker with a chair leg in front of him and didn’t stab him with her knife when he asked if she ever had a boyfriend?

And then she looked at him now again, making Louis’ heart swell. It was so wrong. He couldn’t feel anything to her. She ruined the delicate balance in the school and got his friend killed. He should have hated her. It would make everything so much easy. Instead, part of him still wanted to keep dreaming about her and it made him even more angry with both himself and herself.

Last evening, she told him she missed him, making his heart bleed all over again. Did she mean it or she just wanted to be on his good side again? She couldn’t really mean it after everything he said to her in those woods. She should have been angry, not sweet and understanding.

Louis knew they needed her to survive the raider’s attack. And yet part of him would prefer to die just to not see those beautiful eyes staring at him with… hope?

“There you are.” Clementine nodded and turned away. “I was just about to tell everyone what we have to do. Omar, I want you to check on the food we brought from the train station. We need to know how long will it last us. Raiders still might be there and it’s too dangerous to go outside now for scavenging.”

“OK.” Omar nodded, clearly relieved he was spared from all other tasks for now. He still could work with food and it was all he wanted. Louis envied him. He hardly doubted any important tasks would revolve around the piano.

“Mitch wants to work on the bomb and that actually would improve our chances.” Clem turned her face to the tall teen with dark hair. “Do you have everything that you need?”

“Yeah, don’t sweat about it.” Mitch smirked as if he didn’t want drag away Clem from the school by her hair only one day ago. Apparently, their time in greenhouse earned the girl some of the boy’s respect. “Willy wanted to help.”

“Alright, then you two have your task.” Clementine nodded. She sounded calm and collected, as if she knew what she was doing. Or maybe she did, she has done it before and only God knew how many skills she gained while living on the road.

Another thought appeared in Louis’s mind. What if she was going to wait a couple of days to let AJ recover and then take him and run? Why not? Why did she even want to help them after they kicked her out of the school? Maybe she was angry too, but was just playing safe for now.

Actually, he wouldn’t blame her if she would. And part of him still wanted her to disappear, from his eyes, from his mind, from his heart.

“Ruby, Aasim and Tenn, can you inspect the furniture nobody uses?” Clem pointed at the gates. “We need to secure those gates. Use everything you can find. Mattresses, pieces of metal and wood, break stuff we don’t need. If they can’t get inside by gates, they would have to use the wicket and it would slow them down.”

“Good idea.” Aasim nodded. Yes, that’s why he wanted to keep the newbies when they voted. Well, he was right, Clem knew what to do. Even if she would want to leave later, at least she’d give them some ideas. That was better than nothing.

“Now Violet.” The girl in old dirty hat smiled to the blonde teen. “I’ve seen you climbing this wall before. That’s why I ask you to help with barbed wire we found in the greenhouse. You aren’t the only person who can climb walls and we need to stop raiders from coming this way as well. The barbed wire is heavy, I know, so I though Louis might help you.”

So, this is his task. To help Vi with barbed wire, possibly cut his fingers while doing so. Actually, that would do. Maybe keeping him busy would help to stop thinking about Marlon, the raiders and Clementine herself. Especially if she would be nowhere around him all day.

Wait, what was she planning to do all day? Was she simply going to command?

“We might need more arrows.” Clem simply said as if she was reading his mind. “I thought I could work on that part today. Tomorrow we would switch tasks if somebody isn’t pleased with their one. There is a lot we should do and there is still plenty of things left.”

Everyone spread around the school, Mitch, Omar and Willy disappeared in the basement, Ruby, Aasim and Tenn went inside the dorms, looking for furniture. Much to his displeasure Clem sat at one of the sofas and he could see her well from his spot. She was carving arrows from the pieces of wood, fully focused on her task and not looking at him or Violet. But he saw her, every sunray on her old hat and hair, every movement of her knife.

Don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her…

It would be better if he’d pretend she wasn’t here.

“How about I unreel the wire and you climb up the wall to secure it there?” Louis turned his face to Violet and caught her looking at Clem too. As soon as she heard his voice, the blonde teen quickly turned away from the girl in hat and lowered her gaze to the skein of the barbed wire.

“Deal.” She nodded and went to the wall. Her fingers quickly found uneven bricks and she climbed up, sitting in the wall like a rider before she reached out her hand. “Now, hand me the end of the wire.”

Clementine wasn’t joking when she said this thing was heavy, but Louis still managed to roll the skein closer to Vi and started slowly to unreel the dangerous wire, careful to only touch the pieces without thorns to avoid getting his fingers cut. Above him Violet found a piece of metal sticking out in the place where wall was connected to the gates and managed to secure the end of the wire around it. They worked slowly, but carefully, sometimes Violet cursed, claiming that she the wire doesn’t want to be places where it should be located. Luckily the wall was old enough to have enough of uneven pieces and there were some old and rusty metal pipes picking in all directions which the blonde girl used to secure the wire.

For how long were they working? Minutes? Hours? Louis couldn’t tell. The task sounded easy, but at the same time it wasn’t he had to lift the heavy skein sometimes, when the wire was getting stuck, always alert for a chance of cutting his arm.

Finally, Louis couldn’t stop himself from looking at Clem. Much to his surprise she was looking at him at the very same moment, but quickly returned to her task, lowering her head back to another arrow in her arms.

Well, that was explainable. Maybe she wanted to talk to him, to check if he was still angry. She asked him the same thing last evening and Louis still had the same answer: he simply didn’t know what he wanted and if he was really OK with her being here. From everyone in the school, Louis was probably the only one who was still unhappy with Clementine being part of the group. Everyone else forgot about Marlon and what he did for this group as soon as they found out about the twins, and they welcomed back Clem as soon as they realized their own lives were in danger.

A bunch of hypocrites. Louis loved them all, but at this moment they made him angry. Several days ago, when they kicked the newbies out, everyone voted for it, with exception of three people. Now everyone acted like this never happened and he was the only one who wanted Clem and AJ disappear.

Truth to be told Louis still wasn’t sure what he wanted. He wanted everything to be normal again, but what was normal now? Could his life even be normal without his best friend providing at least some safety and comfort to him? The young pianist wanted everything to return to how it was before they found the crashed car. Maybe if they wouldn’t bring Clem and AJ in, the raiders would never show up and they all would just keep living in piece? No. That was unfair. The raiders were there long before Clementine’s arrival. It couldn’t be her fault.

Not everything was her fault, even though it would be so easy to blame her for everything.

But he couldn’t. Probably because there was another thing Louis still wanted. And it was Clementine herself. Part of him wanted her gone. Part of him wanted her to stay.

Damn, why everything was so complicated? Love sucked. And it sucked a lot.

Yet again, dear God. Why it had to be her?

He felt like he was betraying Marlon by simply having feelings for this strange petite girl in the old and dirty hat. Why was is so damn hard to hate or at least ignore her?

Feeling angry at himself, Louis unintentionally pulled the piece of barbed wire a bit too hard and fast and the cold metal thorn immediately punished him for this mistake, piercing the skin of him palm. It wasn’t deep, yet Louis hissed angrily and pulled the hand away, instinctively pressing it to his chest.

Great, just fucking great.

“Are you OK?” Violet asked from the top of the wall.

“I cut my hand.” He explained as if she didn’t understand it already. A thin strain of blood disappeared in his sleeve and Louis winced, lowering his palm so the blood would just drop on the ground instead.

“Jesus, Louis.” He heard Aasim’s voice and lifted his head to look at the Indian teen. He and Ruby were passing by at the moment, carrying one old mattress. Near them Tenn held some piece of old wood, the Afro-American boy looked at Louis’ arm with concern. Aasim dropped his side of the mattress on the ground and wiped the sweat from his forehead. “I really hope you didn’t do it on purpose to skip up the work.”

Those words hurt Louis more than he cut on his palm. Did everyone really think of him this way? Was he just a slacker in their eyes, the person who always avoided every task he had to do? Maybe they were right. He never did enough. He was useless, all those years. Maybe he should have died all those years ago, he never was a skilled survivor. Instead, people always died around him and he kept living.

If God existed, he had a strange sense of humor.

He didn’t cut his hand on purpose, but Aasim still was right. He should have done more. Then maybe Marlon would still be alive. If he would be a better friend, Marlon would tell him about the twins. He should have been more reliable. Then everything would be different and…

“Aasim!” He heard another voice and closed his eyes. Clementine. Who was more to blame? Him or her?

For a first time since AJ’s bullet pierced Marlon’s scull Louis thought that maybe he was just shifting his own blame of somebody else’s shoulders. And somehow this though only made him even more angry, on both himself and her. Somehow everything was still spinning around her.

“What’s unfair. The incidents happen. It’s nobody’s fault, Aasim.” Meanwhile Clem continued talking. So, she was protecting him now? Why? That wasn’t fair. Not after everything that happened. “Let’s have a break, OK? I know everyone are tired and worried. I know we have a lot of work, and yet we can’t do everything in one day anyways. Ruby, can you, please check Louis’ hand? Barbed wire is sharp and the cut could be deep. The infection is the last thing we need now.”

“Sure.” Ruby also dropped the edge of the mattress on the ground and stepped closer to Louis. “Come on, I will bandage your arm.”

Part of Louis wanted to tell her that he was OK, that he didn’t need help, after everything he just heard and thought about, he didn’t want to be seen even weaker. But at the same time, he wanted to get away from here, away from Clementine’s comforting eyes, away from everyone judging him. So, he allowed Ruby to lead him inside of the main building. Before the doors closed behind his back he turned to see that Clem was talking with Violet about something and the way the blonde girl was smiling.

Somehow the image only made him feel worse.

***

“It’s not too bad.” Ruby finished clearing his palm with a piece of cloth wetted in alcohol. “You don’t need stitches. I will bandage your arm and it will heal in a couple of days.”

Louis wished she could say the same thing about his heart.

“Listen, ignore Aasim, OK?” Ruby gave him a comforting smile. “He is just nervous and tired, and we all act badly when we are scared. Aasim is smart, but he can be such a fool sometimes. Like today, for example. I’m sure he will apologize. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. You aren’t like that.”

“Well, not like I always did everything people expected of me.” Louis shrugged his shoulders, allowing the nurse to cover his arm with bandages. “Maybe then Marlon would…”

“Louis, don’t blame yourself, alright?” Ruby’s voice sounded softly. “Marlon didn’t tell anyone. Not only you. I know you were the best friends, but the thing he did… He gave them Minnie and Sophie! And I would like to believe that he regretted his actions, but… He wanted to do the same thing again. He was ready to give the raiders Clem and AJ, again. It’s not your fault he didn’t tell you. He just didn’t want anybody else to know the truth.”

Louis had nothing to say. He wasn’t ready to think about all this mess now. He was exhausted, mostly mentally, but was also tired with the physical labor they did today. The thoughts and feelings were still tearing him apart.

“I’m not trying to say you have no right to grieve for your friend. But… maybe we all overreacted when we kicked Clem and AJ out.” Ruby said carefully.

“Overreacted?” Louis gasped in disbelief. “AJ shot him when he gave up and broke down! What else we were supposed to do? To put him in the corner, threat him with a finger and ask to never do that again?”

“I know, this was… scary.” Ruby nodded. “But AJ is only five and he thought he was protecting Clem. It’s not like Marlon didn’t try to kill her too. I don’t try to sound like I don’t mourn Marlon, but… shit, everything is so confusing. All I’m trying to say… I don’t think they are bad people. And if we will have to re-vote again… I change my mind. I want them to stay.”

“Wow, you changed your mind fast.” Louis shook his head.

“We… found Ms. Martin. In the greenhouse.” Ruby lowered her gaze and sighed. “She was a walker.”

His heart skipped a bit when he thought about the young nurse who stayed with them when everyone else left. She cared about the scared kids, tried to comfort them, tried to teach them about survival and how to live in the world without adults. Louis never was close to her on the same level as Ruby, and yet he was sad when she died, trying to protect them.

“Mitch was an ass. He said we should burn her, that she was nothing else but a walker now. I know he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to act as an asshole, like he doesn’t care. Apparently, it makes him feel like he is a tough boy or something.” Ruby chuckled sadly. “But Clem… Listen. People don’t act like that when they are bad. She helped to bury her and was very sweet and supportive about it. I know that might not be enough for you… but it’s enough for me. I wish things would be different about Marlon… but maybe we should look at the situation differently.”

Louis sighed. He really didn’t have enough strength to think about this now. Luckily Ruby said nothing else about the topic.

***

When he left the main building, a fresh bandage wrapped around his hand, all he wanted to do was to go back and turn into the corridor leading to the music room. The music always helped him to clear his mind. Maybe it would help him now too. Because he wasn’t ready to see Clem’s face again when she slowly approached him, as if she was really unsure if it was a right thing to do. And it wasn’t.

“Listen, I know it’s not my business… But you should let anybody to treat you like that.” She said, her teeth nervously chowing on her lip. “Aasim was being too harsh on you.”

Clemetine clearly tried to be nice. Maybe she really wanted them to be friends again and truth to be told, Louis wanted it too. He wanted to joke around her again, maybe have another batting practice, to learn more of her past. Maybe Ruby was right and Clem wasn’t a bad person. And she was reaching out to him, offering him an olive branch of peace.

But it was too soon. The ghost of Marlon was still standing between them, with a gunshot wound on his forehead. And despite everything what others were thinking, Louis still needed time to set his shattered thoughts in place. Right now he didn’t care who was wrong and who was right, what was going to happen to all of them. He just wanted some peace, some alone time, some time in general to get used to the new reality without his best friend and the fact that his actions resulted in AJ’s injuries.

And before he could really think about it, he opened his mouth to bring even more pain, this time to the girl in old hat in front of him.

“You know what? You are right. It is not your business.” He knew saying those words was wrong. But he couldn’t stop himself after all this pain he felt.

Clementine’s face flinched as if he hit her, the light in her golden eyes disappeared, and her lip trembled, for a second she looked like a little kid who just realized that Santa wasn’t real and wasn’t going to bring any more presents. Upon seeing her like this Louis immediately regretted his words, but before he could say something else, Clem nodded and went back to her task of carving arrows, leaving Louis to keep standing there, like an idiot.

And to tell the truth he definitely felt like one at the moment.

***

Later this evening when all kids were ready for dinner, exhausted after the day full of work and starving because of the same reason, Omar was pouring food into the bowls. And as much as Louis was tired of having a stew every evening, this time he wasn’t happy to see the canned soup they brought from the train station several days ago. This soup was going to taste bitter. He remembered how happy he was back then when they returned to school. He finally did something important, brough supplies to feed his friends and they appreciated it.

It was the last time he felt happiness. The very same night Marlon killed Brody and died himself and then everything became more and more shitty.

Still, he allowed Omar to pour some soup in his bowl and took a spoon, trying to force himself to eat as much as he could. They still had a lot to do to fortify a school and there was no doubt they were going to work hard tomorrow as well. He needed to eat if he didn’t want to collapse and make a laughing stock out of himself in front of everyone.

“Where are you going?” He heard Violet’s voice and turned his head in confusion. But the blonde teen was calling for Clementine, who was heading to the dorms with two bowls of soup in her hands. “Come on, sit with us. It’s too early to go back in the dorms.”

For a second Louis noticed some doubts on Clem’s face, as if she really wanted to spend some time with others without thinking about the raiders, to just relax for a bit and have a chat about silly things. Then her gaze landed on Louis and her face frowned before she shook her head.

“I can’t. AJ is alone in our room and I want to keep him company.” She smiled politely.

“Can I come visit him after the dinner?” Tennessee lifted his face from his bowl of soup. “I want to show him my new drawing.”

“Of course. I’m sure he would be happy to see you.” Clementine nodded, looking at the boy with a warm expression. “Good night, everyone. See you tomorrow.”

She turned away and headed back to the dorms again and Louis couldn’t help but watch her gone. Well, at least one of his wishes came true. Clem was avoiding him now.

Yet somehow he still wasn’t feeling any better.

Chapter Text

Louis felt like he barely slept tonight, and yet he knew he fell into the kingdom of dreams as soon as his head touched the pillow. He didn’t remember if he was seeing something, but he knew there was something dark, dangerous and exhausting. He probably saw nightmares, that’s why he was so tired. Well, considering everything what had happened recently and was still happening, that wasn’t surprising.

If Marlon would still be alive, Louis would ask him for a day of rest and he would probably agree. He would tell everyone Louis wasn’t feeling well and everyone would roll their eyes again, tired of his behavior. Wasn’t it a reason Marlon didn’t trust him with the truth and chose Brody instead? Wasn’t it a reason Marlon was dead now?

Who even was a leader of their small group now? Technically it was still Violet, but Louis knew she hated it and was happy to give all responsibilities to Clementine as soon as she came back. And truth to be told, the girl in old dirty hat knew what she was doing and was fitting the role pretty well. She had a lot of experience when it came to fighting and survival and had a character that made everyone actually listen to her despite her looking so small and delicate. It didn’t matter how Louis felt about her, he had to agree that maybe she was the most natural leader from all of the kids who currently called Ericson's Boarding School for Troubled Youth their home. Maybe they had at least some chances with her on their side.

It still didn’t change the fact that Louis could barely look at her now without his heart breaking.

When the young pianist left the dorms, rubbing his tired eyes, Clementine yet again was the first person he noticed. But this time she wasn’t alone. The girl was having a conversation with Violet and the blonde girl was smiling happily. The both girls giggled, clearly discussing something funny, something that made their mood definitely better than Louis’. Clem nodded and turned away to go away why Violet just smiled and tilted the lock of her hair behind her ear, grinning.

Then it suddenly clicked in Louis’ brain. He has already seen his friend acting like this before and he knew that it meant. Wow, just… wow. Of course, it had to happen. The picture would be less weird without this happening.

“Hey, there you are.” Violet’s face became more serious once he approached her. She grabbed the palm of his hand and lifted it closer to her eyes, as if she could see his injurie beneath the bandage. “How is your hand?”

“I’ll live.” Louis replied. Now it was his turn to ask questions. “So, since when did you fell for Clem?”

“What?” Violet’s mouth opened, eyes became wide and she immediately started to look like a fish who couldn’t breathe without water and was straggling to grab any air. She pushed his hand away angrily. “I’m not into her!”

Liar.

“I see the way you look at her. You obviously have feelings for Clementine.”

“You are ridiculous!” The blonde girl hissed and quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening to their conversation. Everybody else, including Clem seemed to be not paying attention to them. Vi sighed with relief and looked at Louis angrily, as if she could attack him at any moment. “Listen, the fact that I’m not being an asshole to Clem like you doesn’t mean I’m in love, OK? I’m glad she is here, because she did nothing wrong. What Marlon did? I hate him for that. Here, I said it. His death was his own fault, whatever you like it or not. And now, honestly, you are mourning the death of person who was willing to betray everyone, you included, for the sake of his own safety.”

“That’s not truth!” Louis stepped back, surprised by Vi’s angry behavior. If she wanted to change the topic, that worked. “He took care for us for years! He made sure we all eat and stay safe the best he could, you and me are only alive because of him!”

“Oh, so, now you are trying to say that I should be happy he gave away my fucking girlfriend, because it somehow helped me to stay alive?”

“No, Vi…”

“Fuck you. You are such an idiot and asshole sometimes!” Violet shook her head. “I can’t stand you. You open your mouth instead of thinking. You think you are the only one who is hurting? We all do! Don’t expect a special treatment only because you lost your friend. But you treat everyone like shit because you don’t want to be the only one who is suffering, right?”

“I’m not…”

“Oh, really?” Violet seemed to become more and more angry by a second. “Then tell me you still don’t want Clementine gone. Everyone has accepted her and AJ back but you.”

“They both are dangerous and you know it.” Louis shook his head. He wasn’t sure if he believed in his own words and how much their fault the situation actually was, but at this moment the anger made him almost hate both the girl in old hat and her kid. “Who knows. Maybe Clem would dump us all as soon as AJ recovers and she doesn’t need us anymore.”

“She would never do that.” The blonde teen’s face distorted as if only one thought about it made her suffer. She lowered her gaze. “She would never do that. She came back. She is staying. I… know she won’t betray us.”

“Vi…”

“No. Whatever you want to say, I don’t want to listen. Whatever you say, it’s bullshit. Do you even realize how wrong you are?” The girl hissed angrily. “Instead of using your mouth for talking, try to fucking use your brain for thinking, Louis! Now, leave me alone. I will ask Aasim to help me with this barbed wire today. You help Ruby and Tenn with heavy lifting. Maybe it will clear your mind a bit.”

“Violet…”

“Fuck you.” Her last words were louder than before and several people turned their curious gazes up to them. Luckily, everyone lost their interests quickly as soon as they saw him and Vi. They were fighting almost constantly. With reason or without it. There was nothing new in seeing them angry at each other again.

Louis cursed under his teeth. Looks like he was somehow pushing everyone away recently and soon could become the real outcast. But he kind of deserved it, right?

***

He barely had to talk to anybody today, not like he had to announce every time he grabbed something from the dorms to secure the gates. He noticed that Ruby grabbed one of the mattresses from his own room, from the top bunk of his own bed and sighed. This one used to belong to another kid, the kid who died years ago. Everyone eventually were dying. He just couldn’t understand why it was happening to anyone, but him.

What would Marlon do if he would still be alive? What was going to be his task? Would he do the heavy lifting too? Would he help Violet with the barbed wire? Probably not, after learning about the truth, the blonde girl hated him. And truth to be told, Louis didn’t blame her.

But she didn’t know Marlon as well, as Louis, they only started to hang out when the world ended and everything just kept getting more and more fucked up. She didn’t know how scared Louis was when he just arrived here. He was pampered his whole life, and for a first time in his life he was left without his family and nanny. He was left alone with strict teachers and rude kids, some of who didn’t like the rich child from the start.

Louis still could remember how scared he was that day. He knew no one here and while the principal was giving him a tour around this place… well, let’s say he saw enough to learn more about his future classmates, than he would like. Like that red-haired girl who was kicking another kid who was curing up on the ground, trying to protect his face from the girl’s heavy boots. Of course, it was Ruby and of course the scene scared pampered rich boy even despite the fact that she was later punished for her behavior. What was going to happen to him? Would he be punished too? Would others hate him?

Did his parents hate him too now? They sent him here. It meant they hated him, right?

And then his roommate, Marlon, asked his name in a friendly manner, then introduced himself. Two kids chatted for a bit and soon realized they had a lot in common, they liked the same cartoons, they both liked baseball game, they both had good sense of humor. He helped Louis relax in new surroundings and introduced him to others, who turned out to be not as bad the rich kid imagined. Most of them just had horrible parents and were unhappy, but instead of help they were sent here. Marlon made everything more manageable and two boys soon became friends. Maybe he was Louis’ first real friend. At least he was a first friend Louis was able to chose himself and it wasn’t forced by his parents. Marlon wasn’t a child of some rich partners of his dad, but he was real and his company was enjoyable.

They were always close, having fun, playing baseball, cracking jokes, getting in trouble with teachers and sometimes Louis thought that here, in the school, his life was just getting started. He was free. And he had a real friend.

After the world ended and first walkers appeared Marlon still cared for Louis. They tried to support, distract and protect each other. Marlon’s leadership skills eventually earned him a role of the leader in their group and Louis was so proud of his best friend.

What had happened? When did Marlon change? When he became a coward who was willing to give away their friends to the bandits? When did he broke? How he missed all signals what his best friend needed help and support? The Marlon Louis knew cared about everyone and was willing to fight for their wellbeing. But the Marlon he saw a couple of day ago killed Brody and told everyone he gave away Minnie and Sophie. And he was willing to do it again.

It couldn’t be real. All that was supposed to be some sort of nightmare. But when Louis pinched himself, he didn’t wake up.

So, all that was the truth. One day Marlon had too much responsibilities on his back and just… broke. And Louis didn’t even notice. He was too busy playing piano and cracking jokes to see the bags under his friend’s eyes, to see how gloomy and tired Marlon was. His best friend did so much for him and Louis failed him. He should have been there for him, he should have done more. He should have offer him a shoulder to lean on. But he did nothing.

AJ placed that bullet between Marlon’s eyes. But it was Louis who really killed him.

What would this new Marlon do now? The last words of the person who used to be his best friends were begging to let him go, to disappear, to become just a bad memory. Did he really wanted to disappear in shame or he wanted to ran away? He knew about raiders. He knew they were going to come.

Did he wanted to ran away and leave them to deal with Delta?

Would Marlon even stay here if he’d have a chance? Would he help them now or would he be long gone? What would Clementine say about him staying here? She wanted to tell something, to offer a solution that night. Just a moment before there was a gunshot sound, she opened her mouth. Suddenly it was important. What did she want to tell back then? Not like Louis could ask her now. Every time he passed her, she turned away her face and pretended to be busy.

Louis knew he wasn’t smart, and yet he knew well enough when he saw a clear message “don’t you dare to talk to me again.” And it was OK. He still couldn’t push away his anger anyway and would probably say something that he might have eventually start regretting.

It wasn’t Clem who gave away the twins. But before she showed up, life was clearly much more simple. Now just one her presence was tearing him apart. He wanted her gone, so at least one of his problems would disappear and he would start think more clearly. He wanted to kiss every scar on her face and then hug her till everything else stop mattering.

Well, if he ever had a chance to gain her attention, he definitely ruined it by now.

Then he thought about Violet. She didn’t fool him. It’s been a year since Violet had to say goodbye to Minnie and she was ready to fall in love again. Louis didn’t blame her. Clementine was strong, smart and beautiful, of course Vi fell for her too. Would they eventually become a couple? Would he have it in him to be happy for two girls? Would it hurt him even more? He knew it would. He treated Clem like an asshole and yet the though about seeing her with somebody else horrified him. He couldn’t be with her. He couldn’t live without her.

Fuck, everything was so complicated and Louis hated it. And he hated himself for being responsible for it. But what else could he do? He just needed time to figure out everything. Why nobody could understand that and just leave him alone for a bit? Everyone expected him to just move on quickly and fully focus on the upcoming attack. Maybe they simply didn’t expect him to be serious about something, anything in his life. He was always just a clown for everyone. Looks like nobody else here really knew Louis even after all those years. He felt so lonely. He missed Marlon so much.

He tried to do his part and help everyone to prepare the school for the day of the raider’s attack. But somehow even now he wasn’t doing enough.

Louis dropped the heavy piece of metal near the gates and stopped to wipe the sweat from his forehead and to see how others were doing. Violet was still on the wall and to tell the truth she and Aasim did a good job of securing it with a barbed wire. It was still far from being finished and yet they did a lot. When the blonde teen noticed Louis, he showed her thumbs up and in return she gave him a small smile, pleased by his wordless praise. So, they weren’t enemies. Good. He wasn’t ready to lose Violet too.

Mitch and Willy just came out from the main building, both boys help empty cans and bottles in their hands, they were discussing something and barely pain attention to anything else. They wasn’t new, those two were like two pearls in one seashell, like two boots that made a pair, like peas in one pod. Always together. Louis envied them now. Did they need those cans and bottles for a bomb? Shit, would this bomb even work? Of course, Mitch was sent here for his undying love to explosions, but since then years has passed. Did he even remember how to make a bomb? Could he do it without fireworks or gunpowder?

He noticed that Clementine was sitting on one of the picnic benches, she looked tired after doing her portion of the work, she drank water. Tennessee was standing near her explaining something, the child looked excited and at the same time shy, as if he wasn’t sure what the girl was thinking of his words. Clem nodded and smiled before she drank more water, while Tenn kept talking, sometimes pointing at the different parts of the school. What was going on?

Clem caught his gaze and her smile dropped, her lips pulled into a line. She quickly turned back her attention to Tennessee, but now she was less relaxed and more serious. Well, she definitely wasn’t indifferent about them, she cared about their relationships and if they were friends, Louis could tell that for sure. And they weren’t friends.

One day Louis knew they’d have to talk about everything. He would explain why he is was so angry and she would have a choice to brush him off or listen. Maybe they would eventually start hating each other all over again or maybe they would manage to conclude some truce. But not today and not now. He couldn’t tell her anything now, when his thought were still a mess.

It was almost funny how he was angrier at Clementine than at AJ himself, even though it was him who fired that gun. At least Louis didn’t see the kid for days and it helped. And yet he could tell today he felt being less angry at the girl in an old and weird cap. Whatever she deserved it or not. Everything around her was always so complicated.

Something small and wet hit Louis’ forehead and he wiped it with surprise, before he felt another drop, this time on his palm. The weather wasn’t pleasant since the morning, it was gloomy and windy and yet nobody expected the rain which was just about to start.

“Fuck, I can’t work like that!” Violet cursed, climbing down the wall. Her short blonde hair were getting wet and the stray lock of hair got stack to her forehead. The rain was getting heavier with every second and it was clearly ruining their plans to do more today.

Louis lifted his coat above his head and allowed Vi to take shelter under it while they rushed to the dorms, just like everybody else. Nobody clearly could work with their hands becoming slippery because of water and the rain getting in their eyes.

He just hoped that raiders wouldn’t decide to show up today, otherwise they would be an easy target, hiding in their rooms with nobody being on the watchtower.

“I will go in my room.” Ruby shivered in her wet clothes, her red hair stuck to her cheeks. Aasim looked at her like she was the most beautiful creature on this earth and also disappeared in the building, probably to rest and maybe to think about his undying love to the red-haired girl. Everyone disappeared in the dorms building one by one and soon the only person who was still standing under the roof was Louis.

He was tired and he haven’t been sleeping well for a while now, especially since Marlon died. It wasn’t only because he was used to his friend’s quiet snoring, he just didn’t feel safe enough to rest in this new reality. But maybe he could have some rest now. They couldn’t work today anyway and he hoped that raiders were also looking for shelter now instead of attacking the school. He could officially go to his room and lay on his bed, close his eyes and try to have some much-needed sleep. He was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

And at the same time he hesitated. There was another thing he desperately needed, the only thing that usually was able to calm his down during the darkest days. It was music, piano music. Every time his fingers danced on the black and white keys he felt peace and calmness. His life was always connected to music and as long as he could play, he still felt alive. Music could make everything more manageable. But he never lost his best friend before. Louis wasn’t sure the piano could work now.

The main building was close. His hair and clothes were already wet, it wouldn’t hurt if he’d make a run for it. But then he could spend hours attached to the music instrument and he never was good with disciplining and controlling himself. He also needed sleep so he could easily get back to work tomorrow. They still needed to secure the gates, to set more traps, some of them, him including, could use some bow practice. He needed rest.

But before the teen with freckles could go to the dorms he noticed another figure under the rain, her back turned to him. Clementine obviously didn’t see him, she thought everyone left but her. She took away her cap and placed it on the picnic table before she lifted her face up, allowing the cold droplets of rain to hit it again and again. Then she spun around, somehow enjoying the horrible weather, Louis was able to notice a huge smile on her face. She still didn’t see him, but he could see her. She looked so… alive, beautiful and vulnerable, her dark messy curls framing her face made her even cuter.

How old was she? She looked young and yet she must be around sixteen-seventeen years old, judging by AJ words about his guardian, he once mentioned Clem was only eleven when he was born. How hard was her life? She killed before, he knew that, but how often did it had to happen? How many friends she lost? Louis just realized that despite living in the Apocalypse he barely knew about it. Clem was right that he was living all this time behind walls. The school was isolated and all those years they were more or less safe. Raiders were the first dangerous people they encountered, but there were plenty more of killers, bandits and thieves. The fact that Clem and AJ were still alive meant they had to learn how to defend themselves and each other.

How often did they see kindness? Judging by their first day here, when AJ bit Ruby and hit Marlon, while Clem looked like she expected them all to just suddenly attack her, it wasn’t happening often. Did they make them bad people too?

Now Clementine looked… like a teenager. Not a hardened survivor who always knew that to do, but a girl who just started to blossom into a young woman and didn’t even start to realize how pretty she actually was. She looked so innocent, real, herself, whatever it meant. She made Louis wonder what would she be like if she never would have to kill, starve or raise a child being a child herself. Would she act differently? How did she even manage to be so kind and supportive of others after everything she has been through?

The young pianist closed his eyes. Seeing her like this almost made him pity and forgive her and he still felt like he was betraying Marlon by doing that. That would be something others expected of him, but Louis wasn’t ready yet. Marlon was his best friend for almost ten years and he couldn’t just move on in the matter of days.

Still, he quietly slid to the main building, hoping that Clem wouldn’t notice him. Things have already been awkward between them and he didn’t want to make it worse by letting her know he saw this raw and real moment of her acting like a carefree teenager. Somehow, he knew Clementine wouldn’t be happy if she’d knew somebody has seen her like this. Louis especially, probably.

Still that image awakened something in him yet again, a familiar feeling to the one what he felt when he dragged Clementine out of the wrecked car and saw her face for a first time. It wasn’t love, at least not in the way books and movies used to describe, not in a way Louis imagined it. It wasn’t love… just yet. Especially not now, while every wound was still fresh.

But it was an understanding what no matter Louis do, no matter how hard he would push Clem away, she would always remain in his head and in his heart. He would never be able to ignore her and pretend she wasn’t around. And an understanding what if Clem and AJ wouldn’t come back after they were kicked out… Louis would regret it for the rest of his life.

Fuck. He was so screwed.

***

It’s been only several days and yet Louis felt like he haven’t been in the music room for years. Everything looked the same and at the same time so differently. The last he had been here, he was playing piano for AJ, trying to calm down the little scared kid who was worried about his caretaker. Then Clemetine showed up and for several blissful minutes everything was so fun and nice, they were friendly to each other and all this time Louis felt like they would eventually become close friends. All three of them.

Well, apparently, he was wrong. But who could have guessed the newbies would murder Marlon, right?

The piano greeted Louis just like usual, they keys sang as soon as the teen with freckles touched them, testing how they would sound. The piano would soon need be tuned, but it would do for now.

Louis sat at the bench and closed his eyes. The scene outside sparkled something in him, a melody he never heard before. He pressed one key, then another and soon a sound of piano filled the room. He had to try different keys several times, but in a way he felt like he already knew this melody, every note, he just forgot it. The melody was calm, delicate, soft and charming. And Louis wrote it by himself.

Of course, it was far from being finished, he couldn’t create a whole song in just a couple of hours. And yet he was pleased with the results so far. Last time he created something was for Minnie. She created words and he tried to write the music what would be a good fix for the girl’s singing. It took him a while back then, he never even tried to compose a song before. “Don’t be afraid” turned out to be great and Louis felt so proud every time when he could play it for others while Minnie was singing. He and her sometimes would talk about trying to work together again, but it never happened. Then Minnie “died” and Louis never tried to create anything else.

Well, until now.

He played the fragment he created again, making sure to remember every note, so he wouldn’t forget how to play it tomorrow and could keep working on it, but then realized something. He could hear Clementine in every note. This song was about her, every part of it, every note. Playing this song made Louis see her again. A vulnerable and beautiful teenage girl standing under the rain, enjoying the cold touches to her skin, feeling alive. Louis wrote this song about her, thinking about her.

Because for better or for worse he still had feelings for this girl in an old hat. And nothing, nobody could change that.

Fuck. He was so fucking screwed.