Archive of Our Own ^beta

Zenitsu trudged as he climbed the icy stairs to get to the Owlery.

The young Hufflepuff tightened his yellow bronze scarf as he looked at the letters he had to send. They were few, and it was almost depressing, but at least he had someone to whom he could send them. 

And wasn't it exciting? As if the whole thing about being admitted to a school to study magic wasn't already great, even though he was a nobody, and, it had to be said, his magic wasn't that great. Even after five years he still struggled to believe it, and he feared it was all a fever dream.

But he hadn't woken up yet, so everything was fine. 

In his hand he had a letter for his grandfather, one for Inosuke, and another for Kaigaku. The latter was actually not very sure she wanted to send it; he already imagined that the other would take it and tear it up, but at least he wanted to try. And maybe delude himself that there was at least one other person at home who cared about him.

The blond finally got to the top and looked around, then approached his owl, Chuntaro.

He tried to pet him, and in response the bird pecked his fingers a little too hard. Zenitsu had read that this was a sign of intimacy between master and owl, but he honestly doubted that Chuntaro liked him much.

Well, it was mutual. He couldn't stand that cheap bird either, he was just lucky that his grandfather had given it to him and asked him to take care of it. That's it. 

"So, Chuntaro, listen to me: take this letter to grandpa, and try to get there by today. If you want, stop and eat at home" he told him as he tied the letter to his paw.

The bird whistled quizzically.

"Yes, there is also the one for Kaigaku... Um... Be careful not to get cursed or anything like that. You don't need to stay until he open it," he muttered, feeling nervous.

Chuntaro ruffled his feathers, appearing clearly irritated. If there was one person the owl tolerated even less than Zenitsu, it was Kaigaku. It didn't help that the other was all too inclined to give him food that wasn't exactly good for his health, and was too willing to throw things at him.

After a final cry of annoyance, Chuntaro flew away, watched carefully by Zenitsu. The Hufflepuff then went over to another owl in the school and tied the letter to Inosuke, "Look, I know it's hard to reach him - I myself don't quite understand where he lives - but please give him this letter and... Um... don't stay too long with him, or he'll try to eat you."

The owl looked at him, not finding the joke funny at all. Too bad Zenitsu wasn't joking. 

When the animal flew away, the blond sighed, leaning his arm on the windowsill and looking at the fields immersed in the dazzling white of the snow.

And so, in the end, Christmas had arrived that year too, and he had decided to spend it at Hogwarts for the first time. 

He missed his grandfather terribly, don't get him wrong. He felt like a worm not to spend the holidays with him, but... by now Kaigaku had returned home permanently, after his time in Romania, and even if his grandfather did not admit it, Kaigaku had always been his favorite.

Zenitsu did not want to interfere. He did not want his presence to cast a shadow over the festivities, nor that they were all sad and unhappy because of him.

This was the best solution for everyone, really. He will find something to do. Maybe he'll spend his time in the library, or by the lake—maybe better not, there was a damned giant octopus and it wasn't meant to be his dinner. 

He will make the best of the situation, really!

"I didn't think I'd find anyone else here," a familiar voice behind him said.

Zenitsu's heart skipped a beat. Oh shit, shit, shit! It was Tanjuro!

He turned around, trying to look calm while there was a whole revolution going on inside him, "Oh, uhm... I got distracted looking at the snow and... if you want I'll leave immediately and let you do your own thing... wow there are so many letters there..."

Tanjuro looked at him worriedly, "Are you okay? it doesn't do you any good to be so tense."

No, Zenitsu was not fine. Not since he realized that he was not completely straight, that he liked the Gryffindor and had the awareness that nothing good would ever come out of it.

How could it have been otherwise?

He already knew that Nezuko was out of his league. With Tanjuro it was the same thing. 

The Kamado were a family of pure-bloods, a bloodline known and respected in the wizarding world. Tanjuro and his family didn't give it any weight as people like the Malfoys, but it was a fact that Tanjuro was someone important, he was popular, practically everyone liked him, except Obanai but he was a jealous weirdo and he didn't count.

Instead, Zenitsu was a nobody: he didn't even know from whom he had inherited his magic, his blood status was unknown – but even if he had been a pureblood, none of the families would have given up a child, not when magic was such a rare gift – and yes, it was such a classist and outdated concept, he knew, everyone had told him, but it didn't change that for the wizard society he remained a nuisance and Tanjuro... well, he deserved to have someone like Kanao, for example, who although she was a Muggleborn, was a brilliant witch, unlike Zenitsu. 

"Yes, I'm fine," he lied through gritted teeth, hoping the other wouldn't notice, "I've been here too long, now I have to... yes, I have to go... to study in the library."

 "But... it's Christmas," Tanjuro said, looking confused.

"Um... yes?"

"Do you study at Christmas?"

No, he didn't, he just needed an excuse to leave without looking like a huge idiot, "Better to take advantage of the free time, right? I suck at Potions and I have to catch up."

"But you have excellent grades in Spells and Herbology. I saw you practicing for the Duelist Club last time..."

"When Sanemi disarmed me and I fell to the ground in front of everyone?!" he almost screamed, his face red with mortification.

He hated, really hated the Duelist Club. But Kaigaku had been a part of it, as had his grandfather, and everyone expected him to do the same! 

So he tried, only to be completely beaten by Genya's brother. Seriously, how did those two get related? Genya wasn't as big of an idiot as Sanemi, and at least he didn't constantly feel like a vein was about to burst. 

"Um, no. When you disarmed that Slytherin girl who was bothering Kanao and called her mudblood..."

Zenitsu didn't remember it at all. It could have been because of some head injury on the spot, or because of the stress of being in the wrong place again, filling himself and his grandfather with shame. But if that girl had indeed given Kanao mudblood, then it was likely that she had reacted instinctively: Kanao did not deserve to be judged for her blood.

She was not a failure like him.

"Um... glad I helped your girlfriend..."

"Girlfriend? What are you talking about?"

Zenitsu rolled his eyes, "Come on man, you two are a perfect match. Obviously that you are together."

"Really?" he asked, as he tied his letters to his owl and drove him away, "I must have missed something, because last time I checked, Kanao and I were not a couple."

"Oh..."

"And always now that I think about it, you've been avoiding me for a while..."

Zenitsu's mind short-circuited.

Abort, abort, abort. Abandon the mission, I repeat, abandon the mission. Conversation is becoming too dangerous.

"I... I really have to leave," he said, trying to run away with what was left of his dignity. That wasn't much to begin with, but he still wanted to preserve it. 

"Zenitsu! Wait a minute!" the Gryffindor stopped him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I... since it's Christmas I thought... Wait a second." 

With that, she reached into one of his pockets and handed him a small red package.

Zenitsu took it, his eyes wide open, "What... why?"

"When a gift is important it's always better to do it in person," Tanjuro said, looking slightly flushed too, "If you don't want it, I'll understand, I..."

"No, I... I didn't do anything to you, though."

"It doesn't matter, really. I did it for you, not to get a gift of my own," he smiled at him and oh, how his heart hurt. That smile was more powerful than Amortentia: every time he saw him smile, Zenitsu fell even more in love with the other boy.

With his hands shaking with emotion, he opened it. He held his breath as he pulled out a small bracelet emblazoned with a phrase in ancient runes.

"But this..."

"It's your name written with runes," Tanjuro said, sounding very shy, "I know that your family specializes in the study of runes, and you are really trying hard to learn. I had to ask for help from my mother and some of her old acquaintances, I have never made ancient runes. I hope you like it."

"Yes, thank you it's - it's very nice," Zenitsu stammered, feeling his eyes pinch and a great desire to cry. 

Tanjuro had said your family specializes in the study of runes. No one ever said that the Agatsuma were his family, he had only been adopted, he was not of their blood. 

But Tanjuro had said it so simply, as if Zenitsu had the right to that surname, as if it belonged to him, like Kaigaku.

And he couldn't handle it.

He started crying, and Tanjuro immediately panicked, "Oh no, did I do something wrong? I accidentally wrote an insult or..."

"No, it's perfect," Zenitsu said between sobs, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve, "You're perfect. I love you, I..."

He froze, realizing what he had just said. He looked at Tanjuro in panic, and the Gryffindor looked back in surprise. 

"You... do you love me?"

"I..."

"Zenitsu, do you like me?" he pressed him, and Tanjuro's gaze was so intense that all the blond could do was nod.

He had just ruined everything because he couldn't handle his emotions like a normal person.

Tanjuro will be so embarrassed because he didn't reciprocate his feelings, and he will try to do the right thing, Zenitsu knew it, but they will never be able to go back and...

He felt a pair of strong hands on both shoulders. Tanjuro looked at him with a determination that would have made even Obanai pale, and said, "Zenitsu, can I kiss you?"

"What?"

"I want to kiss you... so that you understand what my feelings are... and I'm afraid that the words can't reach you or that you don't believe me and..."

Usually it was Zenitsu who talked too much. But even when Tanjuro did it, he was terribly cute. 

And since the other was now stammering, and thinking that the offer would no longer come to him, Zenitsu decided to seize the opportunity and it was he who kissed Tanjuro. 

It was just a touch of the lips, at first. Seeing that Tanjuro did not react, the blond panicked, and tried to back out.

It was at that moment that Tanjuro grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and deepened the kiss. Even in his very short experience, Zenitsu could tell that there was a little too much saliva and teeth involved. It didn't matter, though. It was still perfect, and when they finally pulled away, they were both flushed and eager for more.

"You... you like me," Zenitsu said, his tone totally incredulous, while Tanjuro nodded, "Why?"

"Because it's you."

"For Merlin's beard, Tanjuro. You have a very bad taste!"

"No, I don't think so," the Gryffindor hummed, resting his forehead on Zenitsu's, hugging him to keep the cold away. Zenitsu wanted to protest, to make him a list of all the things that were wrong with him.

But Tanjuro's hug was so warm, and he really didn't want to let it go. 

Later, he told himself. Later he will tell him why it was a bad idea to deal with him. Now, however, Zenitsu just wanted to melt into Tanjuro's arms and believe that even someone like him could have had good things in his life.