Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hokuto must have dozed off, dusk had settled in his study when he opened his eyes, and the book he’d been reading hadn’t moved on from page 111. 

“I fell asleep again?” he thought when the door slid open and a now familiar voice drifted in.

“Konbanwa, it’s me Taiga,” he announced like he always did. Hokuto couldn’t remember when Taiga started coming to his study room. He assumed his parents must have paid Taiga to clean, or probably to talk to their son who became a recluse. 

“Recluse sounds so…comforting.”

“How are you feeling?” asked Taiga, a question he always asked, but he didn’t seem concerned about getting a reply. 

Hokuto didn’t bother looking up. He tried to get back to reading, while Taiga resumed humming a song Hokuto didn’t recognize. He felt a tight squeeze on his right arm, but his eyes remained on the book. 

At first, he just ignored Taiga to vex his parents, but Taiga didn’t seem fazed at all. Hokuto even felt like Taiga preferred that he give him the cold shoulder. So Hokuto continued not to pay Taiga any attention, Taiga was simply the poltergeist in Hokuto’s horror movie plot.   

“You look paler today. Did they not open the blinds this morning?” 

Hokuto stole a glance at his arm. Isn’t he always pale? His color still looked fine for someone who hasn’t been out of the sun. 

“I had somen for dinner.” 

Hokuto raised an eyebrow at Taiga’s choice of meal, the weather was too chilly for somen, but he just kept listening. 

“I know, cold noodles when it’s already cold? I guess I’m a masochist when it comes to food. I also eat ice cream in winter. It just hits differently, don’t you think?”

“You’re not a masochist, you’re just weird.” This was one of those times that Hokuto couldn’t help it, Taiga tended to say the darndest things.

“I had two servings of somen and I’m so full.” 

Taiga patted his tummy. It sounded like nothing but air inside Hokuto, like a balloon filled with helium. 

“...so I’m only having cherry tomatoes for a snack later.”

Hokuto grimaced with distaste. He couldn’t stand tomatoes, and who in their right mind would eat them on their own? Oh, right, Taiga.

“Anyway, I have stuff to do, but I’m leaving you this for a bit…”

Taiga gently placed an earphone in his ear. 

“...I hope you’ll have nice dreams, Matsumura-san, but I also hope you don’t linger in that dream for so long.” Taiga always said that ominously, and Hokuto guessed his mom must have been feeding him lines to say. His parents still couldn’t accept that their star child became a recluse. 

He closed his eyes, the soft melodies tickling his senses, lulling him to another dream. But he had no intention of falling asleep yet. He was quite sure Taiga wasn't listening to this song earlier, but he would always switch to this piece and play it on loop for him.

The opening piano notes reminded Hokuto of mornings in the countryside; crisp air and slow mornings, long walks and geese chasing. 

Hokuto watched Taiga close the door. He always closed it so carefully as though he was afraid it would wake Hokuto, even though he was clearly awake. 

The notes increase the tempo into something riveting. Someone arrived to disturb the quiet life in the countryside, someone bewitching that threw everyone into confusion, chaos, and the most coveted human emotion, love. 

Hokuto sighed and looked behind him. His body clock has been a whack, he became a night owl, and he didn’t know when it started. Tonight, just like any other night, no star dotted the sky. Or maybe he just happened to live in Tokyo, where city lights had long replaced the stars. He recalled that story in Los Angeles, where people started calling 911 after a massive blackout. The citizens thought there was something odd in the sky, but it just turned out to be the Milky Way, seen for the first time after all the light pollution was gone.

“I wonder if the North Koreans can see the Milky Way? Maybe I should go there. Will my parents be happy once I step out of this house, even if it means going to North Korea?” 

His parents fought again earlier. His dad always blamed his mom for how he turned out. His parents had fought so much, he’d gotten numb to it. 

The tempo started slowing again as it descended to the finale. His eyelids would always grow heavy at that part of the piece. He was never into classical music, and he guessed this would be an exception. One day, he’d better ask Taiga what the piece was called. 

His eyes now closed, his dreams would come soon, and even in his dreams, the sun never rose.

Chapter Text

“Hello, it’s me again, Taiga.” 

Hokuto opened his eyes, the book almost fell from his lap, but he managed to catch it. He must have fallen asleep again while reading. The page remained on 111, where Calvin died, and Elisabeth found out she’s pregnant. 

“How do you feel–oh, your nails have been trimmed, nice!”

He glanced at his nails, which looked the same to him.  Short and round, the way he wanted them. 

He felt something tighten on his right arm while he heard Taiga yawn. “I hope you slept well, not me, there was banging next door I hardly slept.” 

“You should have complained then,” suggested Hokuto. 

“I know I should have complained,” responded Taiga. “But I hate confrontation, so I just put my headphones on and music in full blast. It's a struggle to be an introvert,” he ended with a sigh.  

For the first time since Taiga started chatting with him, Hokuto found a common ground. Being an introvert is hard. For some reason, not bothering people made them more bothered, which also applied to his seclusion. 

“I really hope it won’t be too toxic tonight. I want to take a nap so bad,” Taiga whined and Hokuto wondered what sort of work Taiga still needed to do at night. And why does Taiga only come in at night? 

“Ah, I’m still charging my phone, so no music for now. I hope you’ll have nice dreams, Matsumura-san, probably the continuation of the book you’ve been reading.”

Hokuto’s hand clenched on the yellowed page as the door closed. His heart drummed like it had never before. Taiga never commented on what he’d been reading, and it left Hokuto uneasy. It was like Taiga found out a secret that Hokuto thought he had hidden so well.

“Does he know?” He touched the page, and the words were blurry, but it didn’t matter because once he flipped the page, there would be nothing. Nothing. Page 112 to the end are all blank pages. 

“Does he know?” He pondered when, behind him, something erupted. The door slid open and Taiga adjusted the blinds behind him.

“Look, Matsumura-san, fireworks!” 

More explosions followed; it sounded like crowds cheering in Hokuto’s ears, but try as he might, he couldn’t see a single spark. Some buildings must be blocking the view, because Hokuto couldn’t see even the slightest glow. 

Taiga must have read his mind. “If you can’t see those lights, Matsumura-san, maybe you should try harder to find them.” 

Why should I? It was the first thing that came to Hokuto’s mind. Taiga was really starting to be like his mom, pushing him for change. What was so wrong with where he is now? Since when did comfort become a bad thing?

The door opened and a new voice floated in. “Kyomo, your phone has been ringing.” 

“Okay…then, I'll leave you alone, Matsumura-san.” 

The door closed again. He closed his eyes until the sound of pyrotechnics became mere background noise. 

Chapter Text

The night became never-ending, and the road became infinite. Hokuto knew he was in a dream, yet he was beginning to be unnerved only to have the same dream. The cloak of darkness never left, and the perpetual absence of the moon and stars was driving him deeper into the trenches of melancholia.

“Why am I always here? Do I miss this place?”

His dreams always took him back to the building that fulfilled his dreams, but it was also the same place where reality bit him hard. The 4- 4-storey building looked the same as he remembered it, except for the lack of people. The spacious training rooms that reeked of sweat and despair were empty, the cafeteria was silent from office gossip, the pillows at the lounge were neatly arranged for a change, and the CEO's office looked pristine. 

The recluse in him should find the emptiness soothing, but if he were being honest, madness might soon set in. 

He tried to walk away, intending to go home, but not only did his feet have a mind of their own, the street outside seemed to stretch to oblivion. 

How many nights had he been dreaming the same dream? And how many nights more? He didn’t feel tired physically, but he is exhausted. He just wanted things to end, but he had no idea how to do that.

“Konbanwa…”

He is so tired of waiting.

“...it’s me, Taiga.”

The gloom and his dreams melted to nothing as he opened his eyes. The book on his lap landed on the floor without a thud. Hearing Taiga’s voice made him realize he hadn’t heard from him for quite some time. 

And it also made him realize that he always woke up to Taiga’s voice.

“Have I been waiting for Taiga?”

“Did you miss me?” Taiga teased. “I had to go back to my mom’s hometown for a while, so I’ve been absent.”

Hokuto could detect sadness in Taiga’s voice. “Did something happen?”

Taiga didn’t reply, and Hokuto thought he didn’t hear him. That tight squeeze on his arm became barely noticeable when Taiga spoke, “My grandpa passed away.”

 Oh. Hokuto had no words to say. People grieve for their loss, but Hokuto looked at death as a solace one should embrace rather than lament.

“My parents and I went back as soon as we heard it. I thought I could see him one last time, but I never did. I guess…he was just too eager to go.”

“If you get to see him, what do you want to say to him?”

“I…I’m also not sure. He died in his sleep, and I guess I just have to be thankful that he didn’t have to wander in the darkness.”

Hokuto felt his heart gallop. Was that what he had been doing in his dreams? Wandering in the darkness. 

“What do you mean by that?” asked Hokuto in a small voice. His heart rate seemed to be increasing, and his fingers trembled. “You speak as if…”

“Because I’ve been there, Matsumura-san, that same place.”

“But that–” Hokuto looked up for the first time, his eyes levelling to those dark brown eyes. His heart thudded at looking at someone unfamiliar. How long has it been since he looked at someone else’s eyes? Or perhaps, he found Taiga’s face too pretty. Of all the absurd things that came out of Taiga’s mouth, Hokuto never expected him to have such refined features that most people would covet.

“But what, Matsumura-san?” Taiga asked coldly, his gaze was searching.

Hokuto diverted his eyes. He could feel a pull from Taiga’s stare and Hokuto’s body alerting him of danger. He tried to pick up his book from the floor to distract himself. He needed to hold onto something, something tangible, yet his book became an oasis to a lost nomad, it disappeared as soon as he tried to touch it. 

“Most people had a hard time realizing it, but I’m sure you do, Matsumura-san, you just don’t want to face it, so you act and pretend as if you’re reading a book.”

“You’re not making sense,” argued Hokuto.

“Look around, what do you see?” asked Taiga in a challenging tone. 

Hokuto didn’t need to look further; the mosaic rug on his feet was the next to disappear and was replaced with white vinyl floors. The mahogany lacquered walls became white concrete, the warm glow from the banker lamp became white, and his chair was gone, along with the oak table that separated him from Taiga. Moreover, the smell of musty books was washed away by something sterile, and the silence was broken with rhythmic beeps that seemed to intensify by the second.

“Matsumura-san…” Taiga called, his voice carried caution, while Hokuto’s eyes widened as he watched his study room transformed to something unfamiliar, but also something he’d seen before on TV.

“Matsumura-san,” Taiga called again, and when Hokuto turned, he realized Taiga wasn’t even looking at him. Taiga was almost on top of a bed and doing chest compressions. 

“Now this is something I’ve really seen on TV.”

The door slid open, and a team of mostly women rushed in. They didn’t need instructions; they knew what to do as they moved in like a rehearsed way.

“V-Tach! Charge to 120…”

Hokuto clutched his chest. His heart quivered as though it wanted to break free.

“Clear?”

“Clear!” 

Every nerve of Hokuto’s body flailed, his soul felt like it was being ripped from his body. His limbs grew relaxed, and as his heart quieted, his vision became clearer on the body they were trying to revive.

He wouldn’t mistake anyone else with that scar that ran on the curve of their face. In the middle of the bed is none other than him.

Chapter Text

6 years ago…

“I don’t think I can do this till 65,” complained Taiga before drowning another can of beer. 

“It hasn’t even been 3 months,” sighed Juri as he pulled the octopus tentacles apart as though it offended him. Taiga and Juri had been friends since high school, they went to the same Uni, and eventually, got into the same company. Although they were in different departments, the level of weariness they both felt was the same. 

“If this is why they call our generation ‘snowflakes’, I don’t give a shit.”

“Those fucking boomers,” Juri agreed. 

They both sighed again, the TV in Juri’s apartment in low volume while they worked their livers to the max. 

“Or maybe, just maybe, we joined the company at a bad time?” said Taiga in his attempt to fool himself that working 18 hrs/day is normal. “With the M&A going on…”

Juri sneered. “You think? Just the other day, I learned that hosts get paid more than us, yet we’re working almost the same hours, and they’re having more fun…so, should I make a career move?”

Taiga ran his eyes over Juri’s gangly frame. “You think you’ll fetch for a high price?”

“It’s not the size, it’s the performance,” he smiled sleazily and pulled Taiga towards him. They both smelled of beer and dried octopus. “I’m offering a no-strings-attached-one-night-only, what do you say?” 

Taiga didn’t have to think about it because Juri loved to flirt. “I’m surprised no one has reported you to human resources yet.”

Juri smiled sleazily. “No one has said no to me.” 

“So far…” said Taiga, the alcohol making him more blunt, “because I’m rejecting your offer. You’re not my type.” 

Juri clutched his chest, acting hurt. “Coming from you, this isn’t really the first time. But who’s your type? Pretty face like him?”

Taiga turned to the TV and watched a facial foam commercial featuring a man. The man is strikingly pretty with a nose that looks sculpted by the gods, yet the man also reminded Taiga of a fluffy mochi. 

“You know him?” asked Taiga. Absent-mindedly, his hand reached for his cheek and groaned at how rough and dry it was. Unlike the man on the screen, whose skin looked like it was as soft and silky as the facial foam. 

“Yeah, he lives in this building.”

Taiga scoffed. “Piss off.”

“Why would I lie about that?” argued Juri and opened another can when a dog commercial came on. 

“Oh shit, I forgot! I have to go home” A wave of dizziness almost toppled Taiga down, but Juri caught him.

“You can’t even stand straight.”

“I’ll book a taxi, my parents will be flying to Hawaii tomorrow, and they’ll be dropping off Anzu early in the morning.” Anzu is literally his baby sister, a 9-year-old Yorkshire terrier.

 “Just make them drop Anzu here.”

“Your place is on the opposite way of the airport.” 

“Oh…yeah.”

“I’ve managed to book one,” he said, showing his phone to Juri. “Do you have coffee?” He asked as he crawled his way to the fridge. 

“I got some of those coffee sticks from the office–”

“Ugh, not those…” Juri’s fridge barely had anything worth waking him up except for a half-full oolong tea.

“Tea has caffeine, right? This would do.” He drank the tea straight as his phone pinged that the taxi was almost there. Juri helped him downstairs, both of them swaying as though they were in a rocking boat. 

“Call me when you get home,” Juri reminded. 

Taiga merely nodded as he got in. He still felt a bit in a daze as the taxi moved along. They just turned a corner when his phone pinged from his pocket. 

“You took the wrong taxi, baka!” 

“What is he on about?” He ignored Juri’s message and yawned. Trying to fight the pull of sleep, he rested his face by the window. The glass felt cold on his cheek, while he admired the city lights across the bridge that resembled a thousand fireflies. 

“It hasn’t even been 3 months,” he thought, recalling his current predicament. It wasn’t in his plans to go to college. In fact, he wasn’t really planning on doing anything after high school, but everyone in his class was set to go to college, and he didn’t want to be left out while everyone was cramming for entrance exams and so on. Back then, it just seemed to be the most logical choice, and he started thinking he made the right decision when he got into one of Tokyo’s largest corporations. However, corporate life has been hell, and he was still being nice about it. 

“Am I being ungrateful if I say it was soul-destroying?” he murmured while rain pitter-pattered softly on the roof and the city lights overhead now resembled Van Gogh’s Starry Night. And the painting’s swirling night sky became literal when the taxi made circular turns as it skidded off. Taiga was too muddled to comprehend what was happening, and even if he weren’t too drunk, he didn’t think he could come up with anything to save himself before the taxi went flying off the bridge. 

Chapter Text

They say that drunk people are more likely to survive a car crash because their bodies are so relaxed on impact that they rarely sustain major damage. 

“Those beers saved me?” Taiga thought, his chest heaving as he lay on the riverbank. His clothes clung to him like a second skin. He tried to think back to what happened. The taxi just started circling, he didn’t think they had hit or had been hit. And then they went straight toward the river, the drop, and then there was nothing. Taiga must have blacked out, he recalled nothing after the plunge. He didn’t even know how he escaped the taxi. Did he swim? He couldn’t even swim!

He sat up as panic rushed through him, making his head tremble. His earlier relief turned to concern as he surveyed his surroundings. It was nighttime, but the darkness was uncanny. Taiga could make out the bridge where they fell, the river, the riverbank where he now sat, he could see the rising skyscrapers overhead, but not a light in sight. 

“No sounds either.” Where are the ambulances? The police? The coast guard or whoever should rescue them from the river? Where is everyone?

“Hello?” He said. 

“Hello?!” He repeated more loudly.

“Hello?! Hello! Hello?!” He screamed until his throat felt raw. He ran and reached the bridge where they had just fallen, and there was nothing. Not a car, no tire marks, no broken handle. 

There was nothing.

And the emptiness scared him.

“This must be a dream. I’m just dreaming. I’m sure I am,” he muttered, his voice shivering even though it wasn’t cold. He started walking toward his apartment, which was only two blocks away, after he reached the end of the bridge. No one was chasing him, but he walked fast, his heart racing, and he felt like crying. Taiga was never a crier, but at that moment where the bridge seemed to never end, he just wanted to wail as loudly as possible.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” The obscenities are endless, but so is the bridge. 

“Am I dead? I can’t be dead, I’m only 24!” He knew that was a flimsy argument, people younger than him have died, and he was nothing special.

But where is the Grim Reaper and all that? Why is no one fetching him? What did he do that he’s not welcome in heaven or hell? His steps slowed. He didn’t think he would ever reach the end of the bridge, which suddenly became the longest bridge in the world. His clothes still damp as he sat by the roadside, but after some debate, he sat and lay in the middle. It was not like he would get run over now. 

He focused his eyes on the obsidian sky with no stars or moon in sight. He closed his eyes and willed himself to go to sleep. He had nothing else to do but hope that everything was just a bad dream.