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Published:
2025-10-19
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2025-10-23
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Soap Operetta

Summary:

Operetta is a form of theatre and a genre of light opera....It is lighter than opera in terms of its music, orchestral size, and length of the work. Apart from its shorter length, the operetta is usually of a light and amusing character. The subject matter may portray "lovers' spats, mistaken identities, sudden reversals of fortune, and glittering parties." It sometimes also includes satirical commentaries.

In other words, Simon goes to work at Now Next Industries.

Notes:

Happy Carry On 10th Anniversary Exchange!

Thank you for leading this exchange and the happiest of birthdays, Marta! Your prompts included co-workers, a non-magickal au, in their mid-twenties, only one bed, fake dating, some mutual pining, traveling, some texting…I’m going for a sprinkling of all of the above.
But most importantly you gave me this post, and it’s been the most fun to bring to life. It might be the most unhinged thing I’ve ever written and I’ve loved writing it. I hope you like it!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: HELP WANTED

Chapter Text

HELP WANTED

Now Next Industries, the world’s foremost corporation dedicated to the enrichment of those who need it least, is seeking a Bodyguard, responsible for providing close protection and security to Braden Bodmer, innovative, charismatic, and award-winning CEO and Founder.

The individual who fills this position will be expected to safeguard Mr. Bodmer, including: ensuring client safety outside contentious board meetings; securing a bubble of safety at conventions, conferences, music festivals, grocery stores, and annoyingly long lines for the bathroom; conducting reconnaissance work prior to client appearances to identify potential risks and propose appropriate measures; guarding Mr. Bodmer against both regular and interdimensional kidnappings, accidental or deliberate impregnation via turkey basters, abduction by aliens, and exposure to The Poor; and remaining alert and attentive at all times when on duty. Odd hours and travel may be required.

Strict confidentiality and adherence to privacy is mandatory, and any violation will be pursued to the full extent of the laws of this world and the next. A Non-Disclosure Agreement will be required. 

Now Next Industries is proud to offer a competitive salary and benefits package. Pension funds are subject to seizure if C-Suite employees are running low on walking-around money.

No experience required. Illiteracy is preferred. 

Must clear all background checks, although past murder charges are not an automatic bar if the victim later returned from the dead or really deserved it. 

Now Next is an equal opportunity employer, and all applicants will be considered for employment without regard to race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, veteran or disability status. Current vampires should not apply; individuals open to becoming vampires are welcome.

Submit applications to T. Basilton Grimm-Pitch in our legal department.

Chapter 2: APPLY HERE

Summary:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "submit application" button.

Chapter Text

Penny: Did you apply?

Simon: about to



Penny: Now?

Simon: I said about to

Penny: that was 2 days ago

Simon: and 2 days ago I was about to send it

Penny: what’s your hold-up? I told you I’d hit the button if you needed me to

Simon: I just don’t see the point. I’m not going to get it.

Simon: I’m going to be stuck making other people coffee for the rest of my life

Penny: well you can always make me coffee

Simon: not helping

Penny: You can always go back to school

Simon: also not helping

Penny: you can apply for the job that I’ve basically handed you on a silver platter. How’s that for helping

Penny: the guy who runs the intranet is so annoying. I asked him one question about the link and 45 minutes later I had his whole life story

Penny: if you make my suffering all for nothing i’ll never forgive you

Simon: ok ok

 

Penny: Simon hit submit or I’m throwing ice water on you

Penny: I’ll make you do all the dishes for the rest of the week

Penny: I’ll tell Ruth

Simon: no you wouldn’t

 

Gran: Simon, Penny tells me you’re going to be working at the same company as she is! I’m so proud of you, love.

Simon: gran, don’t listen to Penny. i don’t have a new job

Gran: Oh Simon, really?

Gran: Don’t worry about it. Remember, you’re always welcome to come live with me! You can help me clean out the attic. We could turn it into a hip hangout spot for you. The cats won’t mind!

Simon: thanks gran. I don’t think you need a 27yo man living in your attic

Gran: you’ll always be my precious angel, rosebud 😇🌹 

Simon: I love you too. I’ll help you clean it out this weekend anyway

Gran: I’ll bake you your weight in cakes as thanks! Bring Penny, too.

 

Simon: you win i’m sending the application now

Penny: I always win.

Simon: but ur also helping me clear out gran’s attic. hope u didnt have plans saturday

Penny: ughhh is she making cake?

Simon: yes ofc

Penny: fine. tell her to make the apple cinnamon one

Chapter 3: YOU START MONDAY

Summary:

Getting a job we prefer to think of as “quirky” rather than “batshit insane.”

Chapter Text

“Yes, sir. Monday morning works. Thank you, sir.” Simon hangs up the call he’s had on speaker and both he and Penny whoop.

“I told you you’d get it!” she shouts.

“I didn’t believe you,” Simon says, hugging her and grinning now that the worst is over.  He can stop thinking about all the ways his life could go wrong: that he’ll never, ever get a job, or that he’ll be living on Penny’s data analyst salary forever, and end up having to move out from shame and live under a bridge with a family of rats as his only company. 

Or moving back in with his gran. Who’s lovely, she really is, but her house is the size of a postage stamp, and everything in it is pastel and covered in lace and stuffed with potpourri and then there’s the cats, so many cats, and even though she shuts them away when he visits since he’s allergic, he might be better off under the bridge.

“Whatever,” Penny says from under his arm, bringing him back to a lovely reality where he doesn’t have to live surrounded by rats or cats, “you have muscles—” Simon flexes and she shoves him away, “—and quick reflexes, and you’re a great read of people and you’re charming and you’re smarter than you ever give yourself credit for. That has to count for something.”

“I guess.”

“And you said your interview with Braden went okay, right? I hear he’s odd.”

Simon had had to wait for ages in a lobby that looked swanky but was too covered in chrome and glass to be comfortable, with some kind of ruckus happening down the hall. It almost sounded like someone screamed, “I DON’T CARE HOW CLOSE YOU ARE TO DISCOVERING HOW TO LIVE FOREVER! YOU’RE SELFISH, AND YOU NEVER LISTEN! IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR BABY! IT’S YOUR UNCLE’S!” which is an objectively strange thing to shout in an office. But Braden breezed in a few minutes later acting not even flustered, so Simon’s sure he must have misheard the yelling, and the glass breaking after.

What followed was a series of interview questions that Simon would prefer to think of as “quirky” rather than “batshit insane.”

 

  • Let’s talk about how you intend to plan for assaults from both the physical and metaphysical worlds.
  • Have you ever bested death?
  • Where do you see yourself in three hundred years?
  • On a scale of 1-10, rate your ability to detect fraud based on accidentally-glimpsed financial documents.
  • How will you be able to tell if I’ve been replaced by my evil twin?

 

Internally, Simon had sighed. Penny’d really stuck her neck out to get him this interview and he didn’t want to let her down, even if the guy sounds like a nutjob. Maybe…maybe he’s just something of an eccentric genius. Plus, he really wanted to put in his notice at work. He  didn’t want to make anyone another grande oatmilk vanilla latte with five pumps and whip; he wanted a job where he could actually start saving up to make some forward progress on his dream of owning a goat rescue farm one day.

And the receptionist on the way in had pointed out the stocked kitchen full of name-brand snacks, all the snacks you could eat. All. The snacks. You could eat. 

This has to work.

“We’d have to establish a code word, sir,” Simon had said to Braden seriously. He loves sci-fi and mystery novels; maybe he can pull this off. “Something that would be meaningful to me, not to you, so that it wouldn’t be something your twin could guess.” Braden had leaned back, impressed, and Simon wondered how many hundreds of dollars his polar-fleece outfit was worth and if he got the job, would he get a uniform allowance? He could really use some new clothes.

“Yeah,” Simon manages at last to Penny. “Braden was a little weird, but I guess he’s your typical tech bro.”

“He didn’t even come to my interview,” Penny grumbles. “No one appreciates good data analysis.”

“I know, Pen.”

“Anyway, this is going to be so great!” she continues. “We’ll eat lunch together—”

“My hours might be weird, they said irregular shifts. And I guess I have to get an aura reading as part of my background checks—”

“—and I’ll show you around and we can commute together too! And now you’ll be able to put a face to all the annoying people I tell you about.”

“Like that guy in legal you can’t stand? The one I had to send the application to.”

“Ugh. Baz.” Penny rolls her eyes. “He’s such a stick in the mud.”

“What if I’m terrible at this job, though?”

“Simon. At least get through onboarding before you start with the self-doubt.”

“I guess it’s entry level. How hard can it be?”

“That’s the attitude.”

“And there’s benefits. Penny, I can finally go to the dentist!”

“And the eye doctor,” Penny says.

“And the eye doctor.”

“You need glasses.”

“I know, I know.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“How many fingers am I holding up?” He flips her the bird, and she laughs and hands him a jam jar of rosé that she found at the back of the fridge.

“Cheers, then,” she tells him, and clinks her glass to his. “You’re going to do wonderfully.”

“Yeah, I think it’ll be good,” he smiles at her. “How hard could it be?”

Chapter 4: FIRST DAY (OF MY LIFE)

Summary:

A tour, forms, and worst of all, Penny's violated the Best Friend Code. And yes, we did get an open sesame moment. (sort of)

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

When Simon arrived for his first day, the nice secretary told him that he’d be going on a tour of the place, which is the most high-tech campus he’s ever seen, with someone in IT, of all things. In Simon’s experience, people in IT weren’t the best with communicating information, but maybe it’s different for Intranet & Paranormal Liaisons Project Managers because Shepard Love, it turns out, is great. He seems thrilled to work here, thrilled to meet Simon, and generally thrilled to be alive. He’s from Omaha, a place Simon didn’t fully believe was a real city and is still only partially sold on. But, the guy gives a great tour.

“Well, that’s everything,” Shep says, smiling, as he punches the down button by the elevator for them. Simon doesn’t know how he smiles so much. Maybe he does cheek workouts. “Sorry again to change the schedule on you. Baz really likes to start off all new hires with a lengthy read-aloud of the handbook, but the SEC figured out that Braden’s new line of juices is technically a little bit of a pyramid scheme, so he was swamped at the last minute. I think he should be free by now, though.”

“No worries, it was really helpful to get my feet under me. I’ve never seen an indoor parasailing court before. Or a séance disco.”

“Now you have,” Shep smiles again. Seriously, don’t his cheeks hurt? “I didn’t even get to show you the shark tank!”

“Oh cool, is that, like, a huge conference room?”

“No, man,” Shep laughs. “It’s a tank full of bull sharks. Employee of the month gets to feed them every day at noon.”

“Oh, that’s awesome! Who is it this month?”

Shep’s face falls. “Josh, but he tragically just passed away.”

“Oh my god! What happened?”

“You’re not going to believe it. Shark bite! It really is cool though. You’ll just miss the feeding today, but you really can’t keep Baz waiting.”

“Who’s keeping Baz waiting?” says Penny as she steps out of a hole in the wall. 

“ARGH!” Simon shouts and leaps across the hall, holding his chest; Shep seems unphased.

“What’s wrong with you?” Penny says, looking at him like he’s insane.

“Where the f—I mean, where did you come from?” Simon says, panting. “You just walked right out of that wall!”

“It’s a paternoster,” Penny says, gesturing at the hole in the wall, which has what Simon now sees is an opening with a loop of open compartments that hasn’t stopped moving. “Braden has them installed at random intervals all over the building. He says he likes feeling like a rat sneaking around in the walls. It keeps him nimble.”

“Oh hey, you’re Penny’s friend that she said was coming to work with us!” Shep says, grinning even bigger now as he looks at her and not at Simon. Simon didn’t think he could grin bigger, but there it is, all directed at Penny, who’s rolling her eyes. This guy is going to need cheek replacements before he’s sixty.

“That’s right,” Simon says, and throws his arm over her shoulder. “We live together.”

“Wait, are you guys together together?” Shep’s smile dims.

“Form 61!” shouts someone from behind the cracked office door that Simon belatedly realizes they’ve congregated around. “All romantic relationships need to be declared to avoid harassment claims and conflicts of interest.”

“Ew, no,” Penny says. “He’s like my brother.” Simon’s relieved to see Shep’s grin return to its original wattage.

“Form 184-B!” shouts the voice. “Bunce, you know from Premal that all sibling relationships need to be documented as a potential conflict of interest. And there is a checkbox for non-blood sibling relationships.”

Penny pokes her head into the office. “Ugh, Baz, don’t you have some illegal juices to be sorting?” She turns back to Simon and pushes the door open farther. “Looks like you’re not going to be ready to join me for lunch.”

“He’s got forms to fill out!” calls the voice from the office.

“Sorry, Pen,” Simon says. Penny steps aside to let him into the office behind her and his mind suddenly. Immediately. Grinds to a halt. 

See, Penny’s complained about this guy since she started, about how he’s always sending out memos, and forms, and handbook updates, and policy changes, and somehow in all the complaining she never once mentioned that he’s also gorgeous? How did that not come up? Twenty years of Best Friend Code, violated in a flash.

Soft, glowing brown skin. Dark hair falling in soft waves around his face. Full lips that Simon wants to bite. A suit that probably looked sharp as hell this morning but somehow, with his sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened, he looks even better. And the warmest brown eyes…

Simon pulls the door shut in a panic.

“Excuse me?” the guy calls from the other side.

“Penny,” Simon hisses. “What the fuck? Why didn’t you mention he looks like Damiano David??”

“Who?” Penny says.

“Oh, I can see it,” Shep says.

“Are you coming in or not?” the guy shouts through the closed door.

“I just,” Simon closes his eyes. “I wasn’t expecting him. I thought he’d be like, old. And stuffy.”

“He’s definitely stuffy,” Penny mutters.

“I heard that!” says the door. 

“He’s got brown eyes, Pen.”

“Yeah…I know that.” She gives him a duh look.

“Somehow I thought he’d have gray eyes,” Simon whispers.

“Why would he have gray eyes? Most people have brown eyes.”

“I know that.”

“I have brown eyes. Brown eyes aren’t good enough for you?”

“No!” Simon thinks about those warm depths looking back at him for the split second before he slammed the door shut. “Definitely good enough. Probably way too good.”

Penny puts her hand on his shoulder. “Simon. You can do this. They’re just payroll forms.”

“And mandatory federal disclosures!” the voice shouts. 

Simon tugs nervously on the collar of his pale green button-down. It’s a little small, which Penny said would be fine; she assured him it made him look bulkier and might help him feel the part more. “I should have bought a suit.”

Shep mirrors Penny and puts his hand on Simon’s other shoulder. “I know I haven’t known you long, my dude, but I also think you can do this.”

“Get in there and fill out those tax deductions,” Penny encourages. “I’m not waiting on you for lunch.”

“Hey, I could go to lunch with you,” Shep smiles. “If you’re heading that way.”

“I can’t stop you, I suppose,” she says sharply, and turns back to the hole in the wall.

Simon takes a deep breath and steps into the office.

“Wonderful,” The God-in-Human-Form says flatly. “You decided to come in after all. I hope you brought your social security card.”

 

They’re most of the way through the forms and this guy—Baz—keeps scoffing at him, and tapping his pen all around, and looking at him when he seems to think Simon won’t catch him. Simon’s sure that he’s annoyed with how long these forms are taking. He’s trying to keep up, it’s just he’s never had a job that came with so many things to fill out. Half the time it’s cash under the table and maybe a lift to work if some of the other guys live nearby. He’s never even thought about what year he’d retire, let alone started a 401(k) account.

“You know,” Baz finally huffs, “if you are dating Bunce, you really should fill out the declaration form and list her as a beneficiary on your accounts. And it affects how you complete your W-4 and what deductions you take, if you plan on getting married soon.”

“Well, we aren’t dating. And we’re definitely never getting married.”

“Because you take different deductions if you’re single or if you’re legally partnered. Or married.”

“I’m not either of those things.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” 

Baz aggressively clicks his pen a few more times. “Neither am I.”

Simon tries not to smile. “All right.”

Baz slams his pen down and snatches the papers out of Simon’s hand. He hopes he made the right choice between dental packages. “Okay, I think we’re done here. The cafeteria’s probably still open if you want to try to make lunch.”

“Oh, um, sure. Are you heading that way?”

“No, I usually eat at my desk.”

Simon must look disappointed, or lost, or a combination of both, because Baz sighs, stands up, shrugs into his suit jacket. God, he’s so hot. Simon can’t decide if he’s better in the jacket or out of it, that’s how hot he is. “I suppose you don’t even remember where the cafeteria is.”

“Um, no. I’m a bit hopeless. Everything is a blur except for that room that was full of giant marshmallows.”

“Fine, I’ll walk you down. I don’t want you to wander into the lions’ den after we just went to the trouble of doing all that paperwork.”

Simon laughs. “There’s not a real lions’ den here, is there?”

“Pray you don’t find out.”

Chapter 5: SHENANIGANS

Summary:

What causes bee-nadoes? Can Jello explode? Poor Josh has a lot going on.

Chapter Text

“Did you hear what happened on the fifth floor?” Shep says as he puts his tray down next to Penny’s in the cafeteria. 

After a few months of Shep “happening” to show up to lunch just as she and Simon were arriving, Penny gives the impression of being resigned to the occurrence by now. Which may fool most people, but Simon’s seen her linger at the entrance until she sees Shep coming toward them and then turn away as if she weren’t watching. He’s not fooled. Penny’s always liked people she can poke at without hurting their feelings.

“No, but I bet you’re going to tell us,” Penny says dryly. 

Simon giggles.

“What, did you hear already?” Shep asks, disappointed.

“No…it was me,” Simon laughs.

“WHAT?” Shep’s eyes bug out. It might be the first time he’s ever seen Shep not smiling. 

“What’s the big deal?” Simon says around a mouthful of chocolate pudding. This place might be weird, but the cafeteria is great. “It can’t have been that messy.”

“I’d say it was pretty messy! Terry’s office is a pile of rubble. What did you do?”

Simon’s mouth drops open. “You’re joking.”

“No, I saw it earlier,” Penny says. “The 118 had to come put his office out. The captain wasn’t happy, you know they were just here earlier in the week for Braden’s fire-breathing teambuilding activity.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Admiral Minos is ever going to do a trust fall again,” Shep adds. “And I heard the doctors told him his mustache may not grow back.”

“What did you do?” Penny says to Simon urgently.

Simon’s still gaping, looking between the two of them. “I—I put Terry’s stapler in jello. Like in that episode of the Office. That guy’s a dick, he deserved it.” He looks at both of them frantically and then whispers, “Jello can’t blow up, right?” 

“No, I don’t think so. Not that I know of,” Shep says reassuringly.

“How would that even work?” says Penny. 

“Josh--you remember, the guy who died from shark bites? Anyway, he's so mad. He just returned, and now this falls in his lap since he’s the facilities manager.”

“He’s back? Oh, that must be why Baz sent out that memo about how to file for FMLA leave and PTO while presumed dead.”

Simon perks up at the mention of the hottest Director of Legal, Human Resources, Regulatory Compliance, Finance, and Strategic Operations he’s ever met. He’s been using every opportunity to try to find another way to bump into Baz, but he’s not having much success. Evidently the job keeps him a little busy, especially with Braden moving forward on his Mars colony project. 

A thought suddenly occurs to Simon. “Oh, no. Do you think Baz is mad about the jello?” If it’s his fault Baz has to send out another email, he’s going to be screwed and not in the fun way.

Penny ignores him. “That’s what Josh gets for losing his memory and getting stranded on an Amish farm. Do they know what caused it?”

“Josh’s amnesia?”

“No, who cares about that guy? The explosion.”

“Hey, maybe I should ask Baz about it,” Simon offers.

“Get this—they said it was inconclusive, but it looked like either a grenade or possibly a bee-nado.”

“Bee-nado? Like a tornado made out of bees???”

“I bet Baz would know what happened.”

“Yeah, like a tiny one. Like the bees had maybe gotten in the walls and their honey had eroded the wiring and then they also got swept up in the HVAC. And somehow everything exploded.”

“I have—just so many questions.”

“That’s what the firefighter captain said.”

“You know who’s great with questions?” Shep and Penny both turn and look at him; Penny’s unimpressed. “Um…Baz.”

Penny narrows her eyes at him. “How badly do you want to kiss Baz on a scale of 1 to 10?”

“One hundred.”

“I knew it!” Shep shouts.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing,” Simon says, and eats another giant scoop of chocolate pudding. “He’s too good for me and anyway, we work together. You can’t date a co-worker.”

“Well, he doesn’t supervise you,” Shep says. “And if he was interested, or really, if anyone was interested in a co-worker and they were interested in them back, Baz has Form 61 for that.”

“Oh, right. He did mention that on my first day.”

“Ugh, Baz and his forms,” Penny says. “He’s so cold. I don’t see why everything has to be a form.”

“He’s not cold,” Shep says before Simon has to restrain himself. “It’s actually sweet. I filled the form out when I was dating Trixie, years ago when I first started. It asks you when the relationship started but also what you like about the person and how you met. Baz even used to send flowers and a gift card on your anniversary. I think at heart, he’s a real romantic, even though I’m not sure I’ve ever known him to be in a relationship. He's a sweet guy. He deserves someone to sweep him off his feet.” 

Simon’s heart aches, just a bit.

Penny scoffs. “Trixie, huh?”

Shep smiles at her. “Yeah, it didn’t last long. We’re better off as friends. Baz’s form helped us realize that, actually—all the things we liked about each other weren’t really romantic. Sometimes the spark’s not there,” and then Shep’s voice catches as he looks at Penny, who’s failing to look anywhere else, “and sometimes it really is.”

“Well, speaking of spark,” Simon says, standing up quickly to leave them to their staring contest, “I should really go talk to Baz about this fire. For security reasons. Maybe he needs some help.”

They don’t notice when he leaves.

Notes:

Thank you so much Monica, Raen, and Christina for talking me out of jumping into the shark tank multiple times with this one! And thank you Peony for your important contributions to this silliness.