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“That man desperately needs to get laid. He’s been so damn uptight and closed-lipped about his love life.” Nora joked, casting a look at Henry across the bar from their booth. A round of nonplussed affirmative giggles abounded from everyone. Well, from everyone except Alex, that was.
Alex was acutely aware that he was, in fact, the reason that his roommate Henry 'desperately’ needed to get laid. The ‘roommates’ in question were… Well, they were slightly more than roommates now. Alex and Henry had been dating secretly for the last three months. Their lives had intertwined themselves with each other in pristine, ephemeral spiderwebs of excuses and clandestine meetings. Over the last three months, Henry and Alex had spent more time together than Alex spent with anyone else in his life… Well, ever. They had been unequivocally the happiest three months Alex had ever experienced. They dined together. They cooked together. They watched shitty shows together and made fun of the scriptedness of ‘reality’ television. They made out; Alex dreamt of Henry’s lips nightly.
They hadn’t fucked yet, though. It was chiefly Alex's fault. Henry had never said as much, of course. He was far too kind to even imply. Still, Henry was experienced with men. Alex felt a touch inadequate at best. Alex had never waited this long with any other partner.
‘That man desperately needs to get laid.’ Even Alex’s friends could see the toll Alex’s nerves were taking on Henry. Henry would eventually get tired of waiting. Maybe he’d make fun of Alex, maybe he wouldn’t. Alex supposed that was likely contingent on how long he allowed Henry’s unfortunate new lifestyle of abstinence continue on.
All eyes were on him. Alex had been silent for far too long. So, Alex huffed a laugh that he abhorred.
“Agreed.” The word was choked around his whiskey coke as he swallowed. He felt himself spiraling. So, Alex made a mental list.
Ways to Deal with the ‘Sex-uation,’ Alex titled it in his mind.
- Fuck Henry tonight
- Break up with Henry for his own happiness
Henry’s hand fell between Alex’s shoulder blades before Alex could conjure a third option. His thumb pressed diligently into that spot on Alex’s back that only Henry knew got sore from time to time. Option number two was most definitely not an option Alex could live with.
“I’ve got the shots, you hooligans.” Henry rolled his eyes, still not failing to grab his all the same. Did his fingers linger just a bit longer than what would be societally accepted as ‘friendly,’ or was that just Alex’s wishful thinking.
“Next round is on me if you pick up a guy tonight.” Nora chimed. Nora had been Alex’s best friend for years. Right now, though?
Right now, Alex really hated Nora.
“What?” Henry choked.
“This bar is crawling with dudes who have been staring at you all night.” Nora barked. Alex flinched like her words were barbs thrust directly at his heart. The worst part was that Nora was right. Alex hadn’t missed the way the bartender’s eyes sparkled as he poured shots for Henry. Alex noticed the way the man beside Henry offered to pay for said shots. He noticed the man on the other side who sat quietly, staring longingly at the magazinecover-given life that was Henry Fox.
Of course Alex noticed. He always noticed. Alex noticed if Henry used a different gel in his hair than normal. He noticed if Henry bought new shoes. He noticed if the little purple crescent moons beneath his eyes were deeper on any given day, Henry’s mind was just a bit too pronounced for Alex’s comfort. Alex noticed and he yearned to be the one Henry entrusted with all of this information for the rest of time.
“Oh.” Henry shrugged. “Well, I’m not…” he hazarded a fleeting glance, so subtle that no one but Alex noticed it, “exactly available to advances.”
“So you are fucking someone!” The table rocked as Nora slammed her fist down into it. Alex’s drink splashed onto his lap; still, he didn’t flinch. “Who is it? Is he cute?”
“It’s, uh. It’s. We. I’m keeping it casual for now.” Henry finally settled after stumbling over his words for what might have been a decade.
Casual. Well damn if that didn’t hurt.
“Casual is just code for you aren’t getting fucked well enough.” Nora barked a laugh. “There’s like eight three percent odds that you dump his ass in the next month if he isn’t satisfying you, anyway. Please, that sour look you constantly wear on your face makes me wonder if your dick is about to shrivel up and die. Go have some fun.” Acid pooled in Alex’s stomach. The thing was, Nora was right. Well, Nora was always right, but she was sickeningly right about this.
“Well.” Henry cleared his throat. Alex jerked away as Henry’s thigh settled against his own as he sat down. “As much as I appreciate your concern for the well being of my genitals, I would very much like to move on from this conversation.”
So, the table did just that. Well, everyone at the table but Alex moved on. Alex polished off his drink, then his shot, then he ordered another and another. He flinched away from each of Henry’s reluctant grazes. His plan was a shit one at best, but it was a plan nonetheless.
Alex would get just drunk enough that he wasn’t so damn nervous. Then, he would fuck Henry before he got too frustrated. Too bored. He wouldn’t let his nerves be the reason Henry left him. The thought was a vise on his heart.
No. Henry wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave. He’d make sure Henry was fully satisfied tonight; Alex just didn’t want to be able to remember enough to be embarrassed tomorrow.
“I’ve got him,” Alex heard Henry call to their friends as Alex allowed Henry to lead him out of the club. Alex was decidedly well and truly drunk. The flashing lights had long since started giving Alex a headache. The music had started overstimulating Alex about an hour ago. His own mind had been bullying him relentlessly all night long.
Henry flagged down a cab less than five seconds after they stepped out into the Williamsburg air. It was still early for Brooklyn standards. It was just past midnight. Some people - the fun people - were just starting to venture out of their homes and to the clubs. They were probably people who were more experienced with men.
They were people who wouldn’t have made Henry wait so long for sex.
“I’m sorry.” Alex’s breath frosted the glass of the cab’s window as he muttered directly into it. Eye contact with Henry right now was a complete nonstarter. He had ruined Henry’s night, and now he was going home with him to their shared brownstone in which Alex would continue to ruin Henry’s life.
“Alex,” Henry squeezed Alex’s hand, “what did you say?”
Alex shook his head. Salty tears threatened to breach the barricade of his eyelids - that final bastion of dignity he had remaining. He didn’t speak again; Henry wouldn’t accept an apology, anyway. Alex already knew that. Instead, head still firmly turned toward the window as Brooklyn became nothing but a smeared smattering of lights, Alex dropped his hand to Henry’s thigh.
Henry might have gasped. Alex might have hated it. Was it really such a surprise? Had Alex really been that neglectful of a boyfriend? No wonder Henry hadn’t fought to go public. It would be easier when he inevitably left Alex for someone who could give Henry what he wanted.
“Love, come on.” Alex must have fallen asleep at some point. Henry must have already paid the fare. There he was, standing outside Alex’s side of the cab, bracing Alex’s limp weight from his open door. “Let’s get inside.”
“I’ve got it.” Alex slurred, stumbling over his own feet. His knees became quickly acquainted with the icy ground beneath him.
“Christ, Alex. Let me help you, damn it.” Henry huffed as he hauled Alex up, arm slung casually over his shoulder. “I’ve seen you quite drunk, my love, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you quite so… how do you Americans put it? Shitfaced?”
“I’m sorry.” Alex slurred as Henry unlocked the door, dragging both of them through it. “Sorry, Henry. I’m sorry, Hen.”
“Why do you keep apologizing, my love? This is quite unlike you.” Henry steered Alex toward the bathroom. He fished around in the medicine cabinet for Alex’s toothbrush. He squeezed toothpaste on it and held it in front of Alex’s mouth. “Open.” He commanded.
“You don’t have to help me.” Alex slurred, head lolling forward.
“I quite think I do tonight.” Henry chuckled.
“I’m sorry, Hen.” Alex leaned over, muttering into the sink.
“Sweetheart, I really need you to stop apologizing. It’s making me feel like I’ve done something to upset you.” Henry stalled at Alex’s lack of words. “Have I done something, Alex?”
“No. That’s the problem.” Alex hiccuped,
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, Alex.” Henry gently lifted Alex’s sweaty shirt over his head. “Let’s just go to bed. We can talk in the morning.” Alex swayed as he allowed Henry to lead him from the bathroom to their shared bedroom. It had just been Henry’s bedroom before. To the public, it was still Henry’s bedroom. Alex was a guest.
Alex was an interloper. Alex was the designated interloper.
Alex wrestled with the waistband of his pants. If he focused, he could stay steady enough to do this. He shot a prayer up to the skies, thanking the whiskey for his new found brazenness.
“How do you want to do this?” Alex fixed his hazy vision on their sheets?
“Um… we generally sleep laying down?” Henry answered, a small laugh lacing his words. Logically, Alex knew his balance wasn’t so great at the moment. He would make it work, though. For Henry.
“Okay.” Alex gestured to the bed. “Get comfy. I’m ready. I’m sorry for making you wait so long. Let’s get this over with. I’ll be good to you.” Alex hiccupped and stumbled backwards. His back thunked against the wall.
It would be a blessing to forget this all in the morning.
“Sorry. Sorry.” Alex scrambled to right himself, but couldn’t quite seem to find his footing. His eyes felt wet again. His face felt hot again. This was torture. “I’m sorry. I can do this - please don’t leave me.”
And he was crying.
Fuck.
“Alex? I think you should just get in bed.” Henry’s voice was cautious, wavering slightly. “I’m not sure… Why do you think I would leave you? I’m quite happy, Sweetheart. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”
“No. No, because you aren’t happy.” Alex blurted, falling onto the mattress, feeling way too naked for this conversation. The whiskey was already starting to wear off. This would have been much more bearable in a blackout. “You need to get laid.”
“Excuse me?” Henry choked.
“Even Nora said so.” Alex babbled.
“Since when do you care what Nora says about me?” Henry rebutted, laying down safely away from Alex.
“And all of the men there saw how pretty you were.” Alex flung an arm dramatically across his eyes.
“My love. I am confused.” Henry stated plainly.
“So I made this plan and now you don’t even want it. Hell, I can’t even do it.” Alex continued.
“Plan for what, Alex? Though, I must say, this is a conversation that would be much more fruitfully had in the morning.” Henry gently raked his fingers through Alex’s tangled curls.
“To fuck, Henry.” Everything stopped. There wasn’t enough liquor in the world to make this less embarrassing. So, Alex did what Alex did best, drunk or sober. He kept talking. “I was nervous, right? And you need sex. So…” Alex shrugged, “enter Jameson.”
“Oh fuck waiting for the morning for this conversation.” Henry bit out. Nerves coiled in Alex’s gut. This was it. He was fine - he just needed to get through this first time with a man. Alex would be fine after that. “Alex. Did you truly believe that I would take advantage of you like that? Do you really think so little of me?” Henry’s voice shook. It sounded like he was choking, drowning.
“No, not, not like that. It was the plan.” Alex protested, eyes shutting slightly.
“My god. I’m so sorry, Alex. I didn’t realize I came off like that.” Tears clogged Henry’s words. “I need you to know I would never do that. I would never hurt you. I - oh my god.” Henry bit his lip. His hand ruffled through his own hair. “You should go to sleep.”
Alex didn’t hear anything else after that.
Upon waking, Alex was greeted by the worst nausea he had ever experienced, and cold, empty sheets. Somehow that, impossibly, worsened the seasick feeling in Alex’s gut. Last night flickered back in hazy vignettes and stilted, thumbprint polaroids
Did it work?
Did it work?
If it had, Alex wouldn’t have woken up alone. Even thinking the word forced Alex to drill down deeper into his own self-hatred. He didn’t know when Henry had left or where he had gone. He probably wasn’t coming back, though. But… this was technically Henry’s brownstone.
Hands shaking, Alex fumbled around for his phone. Surprisingly, he found it charging beside a glass of water and a vial of ibuprofen. Even sober Alex wouldn’t have been so prepared. Alex heaved in a breath, allowing himself a single moment to grieve everything that was, that had been, and everything that might have been if Alex was just better.
He dialed June’s number without thinking. She answered on the first ring, but she most certainly did not sound happy about it.
“Alex, why in God’s name are you calling me before noon on a Sunday?” June’s voice was gravelly with sleep. She sounded groggy, but… Those soft snores in the background reminded Alex that June had not woken up alone. She was happy and Alex was miserable.
“Bug,” Alex gasped, gagging slightly. “Bug.” He gasped.
“Alex?” June’s voice was clearer now, infinitely more panicked. “Are you okay? What happened, Alex? Alex? Breathe, Alex. You need to breathe.” Right. Breathe. He was having a panic attack.
“I fucked up, June. I fucked up so bad.” Alex stilled. He was a secret. He couldn’t betray Henry like that; they had agreed to wait. It wasn’t Henry’s fault he would be waiting forever now.
“What’s wrong, Alex? Where are you?” Keys jingled in the background. He heard Nora’s confused grunt echo close to June. Alex’s stomach dropped. He couldn’t just keep calling people to help him. This was why no one kept him around for long.
It was why Henry wasn’t here right now. Flashes of brushing his teeth, of disgruntled echoes of ‘get in the bed,’ reverberated through the halls of Alex’s mind. So, he drew a breath and permitted himself to be needy, but not helpless.
“I’m safe, June.” Alex sighed, tears still clouding his words. “I’m home. You don’t need to come. I just. I needed to talk.”
“Alex, you’re scaring me.” June’s voice was a prisoner at the edge of a ship’s plank, teetering just above shark infested waters.
“I seem to be doing that to everyone.” Alex laughed, but nothing was funny. “I just… You’ll always be here, right? You’ll always love me no matter what, right?” Alex gasped. He thought he’d had better control of his tears than that. “You’ll always want me?”
“What? Alex, of course. I’ll always be there for you. Nothing you could do or say would ever get me to change my mind about loving you.” June swore. Alex couldn’t offer her the whole truth, but he could offer her a piece of himself.
Of just himself.
“Bug. I think im bi. Bisexual. Actually, I know I’m bisexual.” Alex cleared his throat. “I just, I realized I didn’t tell you. I haven’t really told anyone, actually. Well, I told Nora. And Henry.”
“Alex. Don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t care that you’re bisexual. I’m literally in bed with a woman. I care that you thought you couldn’t tell me.” June’s voice was equal parts supportive and betrayed.
“I don’t think I thought that. Not really.” Alex said, low. “I just didn’t know how to say it.” Alex swallowed. “That being said, I might need somewhere to stay for the foreseeable future. Could I, maybe, crash on your couch?”
“Wait. You told Henry. Did he have a bad reaction?” June’s voice was cautious, but void of judgement all the same.
“Oh. Oh, no! Nothing like that! Fuck, can you imagine? No, no. I,” Alex paused. “I overstepped some boundaries, I think, Bug. I think I just lost a friend. I think I just lost my best friend, actually. I just can’t tell you why, and I need you not to ask more questions.”
Sure, Alex lost a friend, but he also lost infinitely more than that.
He lost his love.
He lost his future.
He lost his hope and everyone of those fleeting, ephemeral visions he’d had of himself and Henry standing barefoot before a Christmas tree, making hot chocolate, and wrapping presents for their children.
In one short night, Alex lost everything.
“Oh, Alex.” Emotion swelled in June’s voice. Alex heard Nora pressing June for details in the distance, but Alex couldn’t bring himself to care. “I’m sure you haven’t lost Henry.”
“You weren’t here, June. I - I just need an answer.” Alex willed his voice not to shake.
“Of course you’re always welcome to stay here. Always. Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?” June hesitated.
“No. I think I have to throw up at least three times first.” Alex grunted out a low laugh despite himself. They muttered quick platitudes and I-love-yous before hanging up. Just as Alex set the phone down, a knock sputtered against Henry’s bedroom door.
“Alex? Sweetheart? Can I come in?” The pet name was a knife in Alex’s chest. More than that, though, Henry’s voice sounded as rough as Alex’s - perhaps worse. Alex really had done a number, hadn’t he?
“It’s your room.” Alex laughed mirthlessly.
“It’s our room.” The door creaked open. Henry looked marginally better than Alex felt, though that wasn’t saying much when Alex considered that he felt roughly like the underside of a city bus tire. Henry approached with shaky caution all the same.
“Baby.” Alex choked out one last time. Maybe he’d be granted one last kiss; he didn’t deserve it after last night, but he could hope nonetheless.
“Can I hug you?” Henry’s voice wobbled.
“You don’t have to ask, Hen. Of course you can hug me.” Alex forced his voice to work.
“I kind of feel like I do have to after last night.” Henry clambered onto the mattress, wrapping Alex in his arms. Alex would happily die right here, this little forever etched into every last scratch of canvas in his mind.
“About that. I’m sorry if it wasn't what you wanted, or if it was weird. And I’m sorry I made you wait, and… and… and fuck I’m just sorry.” Alex wasn’t entirely convinced that his words were even words any longer, or if his mouth was just producing a jumbled bramble of sounds. He was probably more coherent last night.
“I really, really need you to stop apologizing, love. Please.” Henry pressed his nose into the back of Alex’s neck. He sighed a long, forlorn sound that sent goosebumps racing down Alex’s arm. “Do you… I haven’t intended to pressure you, I swear, Alex. It’s a big step - they’re all big steps - and if that’s how I came across, I am so fucking sorry.” Wetness trickled down Alex’s back as Henry sobbed silently.
“No. No, never. I just got so in my head. And then you kept taking care of me, and Nora said all that stuff. I had a plan, albeit a terrible one. I thought if maybe I wasn’t sober for our first time, I wouldn’t be so damn nervous.” Alex’s hands shook, and he wasn’t sure if it was from his nerves or the Jameson screaming at him from his veins.
“Alex.” Henry cooed, his name like a hymn to be recorded for the tomes. “I would never take you drunk. I would never take you before you’re ready. It’s okay to be nervous. I have no problem with waiting.”
“I’ve just,” Alex’s teeth worried his bottom lip. “I’ve never been with a man. I don’t know how to make it good for you. I don’t know how to not make it awkward, I… It feels like losing my virginity all over again. Only this time, we’re not both awkward and fumbling. It’s just me.”
“The first time is going to be awkward no matter what, my love. It’s vulnerable. It’s different. It’s important, though. I think that awkwardness just strengthens a bond, really. We get to joke about it in the future. We get to explore, communicate, and improve together.” Henry’s fingertips prodded along Alex’s jaw, coaxing his face backward. “I’m nervous too.” Henry admitted, voice little more than a sigh.
“Liar.” Alex chuckled. “Stop trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m serious.” Henry repositioned himself in front of Alex. Only then did Alex notice the dark purple bruising that littered the delicate space below Henry’s eyes. Alex allowed his eyes to trace, to memorize. This conversation didn’t sound like the end, but… just in case.
“Did you sleep? No, fuck that. Where did you go?” Alex finally spoke.
“No, I did not. And I went to your old room.” Henry’s blue eyes traced the pattern of the seams adorning his quilt. “I figured you probably needed space. Last night you just kept apologizing. And then you kept trying to just have sex, just get it over with.” Henry swallowed back a sob. “Alex.” Henry raised his hands to bracket Alex’s cheeks, the petition for permission to touch raging in his eyes.
Alex nodded yes.
“Alex, I want to savor our first time. I want to savor every time. I want to savor every single memory with you. I don’t care if they’re not perfect. They won’t be. The imperfections, the oddities, that’s what makes them beautiful. That’s what makes life worth remembering.” Alex swallowed. “I couldn’t sleep even thinking I might have been putting undue pressure on you. I was sick all night, love.”
“You didn’t, baby.” Alex vowed, reverent and simple. Poignant.
“I’ll wait as long as you want.” Henry swore.
“And what if I didn’t want to keep waiting? What if I wanted to explore with you today?” Alex glanced down, grimacing. “Perhaps after a very long shower.”
“I can assure you that you’ll want to wait until the bruising on your knees has healed.” Henry smirked.
“Oh, my knees, huh?” For the first time since he’d started drinking, Alex quirked a real smile.
“Oh, yes, love. On your knees, your feet, your back.” Henry’s voice lowered, pupils blown wide enough to eclipse all but the barest sliver of his icy irises. “Every single way physically possible is how I want you once you’re ready.”
“I love you.” Alex seared a kiss to Henry’s lips. They were a sobbing union of hearts and souls, a union that crossed continents and customs, and every barrier presented.
“And I you, love. Do not ever doubt how much I love you, how much I adore you. Forever.” Henry sighed.
“I did have a question though.” Alex’s nails bit crescent moons into his palms. “Do you think we could possibly… I want to tell people about us. I told June about me this morning. Like twenty minutes ago, actually. And I just… I know it was my idea, but I don’t want to be a secret anymore.”
“Darling, we were the most open secret in history. We’re quite obvious I fear.” Henry chuckled. “Pez guessed the day after our first date. But yes, Alex. I would love that.”
“I’m ready for the next steps with you. Sober and awkward and all.” Alex vowed.
Henry blinked back tears, and pressed his lips to Alex’s forehead.
“Forever. Sober and awkward and all.”