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Rafael took a deep breath when he stood in front of Sonny's apartment door.
It had been a mistake to come. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted anymore. All day he’d gone back and forth, changing his mind every few minutes. And yet, here he was.
The last time he had been in Sonny's apartment had been five months ago.
That had been before everything happened.
Before he had pulled the plug of a baby’s life support.
Before he had ended things with Sonny and walked out of the other man’s life.
Before he had seen Sonny and Amanda making out on their way to Sonny's apartment.
Sighing he closed his eyes. Memories rushing through his mind.
Four months ago
Rafael looked at his phone screen again. No missed call, no new message. He felt hollow and broken. Like he wasn’t even able to breathe anymore.
Since he pulled the life switch of little Drew he hadn't been able to feel anything.
There was nobody there to help him minimize his pain. He had been in a relationship with Sonny for over a year now, but since this fateful day he kept ignoring him. Sonny wouldn’t take his calls, didn’t answer his text messages and didn’t come to his trial.
He had been drowning throughout the last year. But nobody had noticed it. There had been so many losses. The friendship of his childhood friends, his abuelita, his future.
Then the death threats, the case with the social worker. The work with SVU had consumed him without a point of return. Slowly, he had fallen into pieces, especially since his suspension.
Even Sonny hadn’t been able to see through his acts. He had been spiraling already when the Householder case came, but the case had been his downfall.
Sadly with tears streaming down his face he looked around. His belongings were packed up in boxes now.
There was nothing else to pack.
There was nothing else to say.
Tomorrow a moving company would come and bring everything to the storage he had rented. For now he had only packed a small suitcases, as he was flying to his mom to Miami.
The silence was echoing into the emptiness of the apartment. Only the ticking of his clock was to hear.
After being in a relationship with Sonny for over a year it felt like the weight of the silence was pulling him down without a way for him to get back up.
The apartment was only lit by the dim light of a small lamp. Otherwise it was dark. He didn’t need more light to pour more liquid into his glass and drink it.
Outside he could hear distant chatter of people passing the street. There was laughter and he could hear the happiness of those people outside.
It was like the universe was mocking him. Showing him what wasn’t in his cards anymore.
Maybe that was the punishment for taking the life of the little soul.
He clenched his fingers around the glass in his hands. Stopping when he realized he was about to crack the glass. He really didn’t need a ride to the hospital today.
He didn’t know how much time had passed since he sat down on the couch. From the minute he got home he was sitting in this position.
Still he wasn’t sure how Dworkin had been able to sell their strategy of justified homicide to the jurors. In the second of the verdict there had been nothing but relief. Relief that he wouldn’t be going to prison. Now there was just defeat.
After the way his father had died, he just hadn't been able to let an individual suffer this badly again. Seeing this poor little boy that wasn’t even really alive, being trapped inside his own body had just been too much for him. He needed to do something. To help this little kid, who didn’t deserve to suffer this badly.
All the little cracks in his facade had finally broken everything.
Right after he had pulled the plug it had felt like a shadow was around him. Following home. Like it was inside his soul now.
He hadn’t had the guts to tell Sonny himself. Sonny, the good catholic school boy. After what he had done he wasn’t able to face the disappointment or disgust on Sonny's face. So he just went home and laid down on the bed.
He had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. Sonny didn’t even call him. Since this day Sonny had ignored every try of him to get into touch. He wouldn’t even open the door when Rafael tried to talk to him in person.
Even though Liv had been by his side during the trial the whole time, he never once had felt so alone in his life. It had hurt him that Sonny hadn’t been able to look him in the eye or tried to support him. He would have been content if the other man would have at least yelled at him. But nothing came.
So he had written a letter. Told Sonny he was sorry and everything he had felt since the whole case started. That he hoped that Sonny would be able to forgive him some day and that he broke up to be able to move on with his life.
Deep down in his heart he knew their relationship was over and he had no other choice then to move on.
Just like he had told Liv. No matter how much he just wanted to be in Sonny's arms again, he had to go.
To find a way to be whole again. It was his new reality. His whole life was broken into pieces and he had to find a way into a new self.
Probably Amanda was here anyway, but he needed at least to know himself how Sonny felt.
He had watched the trial, had been in the back of the courtroom every single day. Without anyone noticing he had slipped in the last second before it started and had been outside the door before anyone had been able to notice him being there.
He had felt like a coward, but after what happened…he didn’t know if anyone wanted to see him there. So he was hiding out.
He knew Mia. During his and Sonny's relationship he had met her a few times on the family dinners with Sonny's parents. That girl was smart and bright and he really had enjoyed every discussion both of them had had.
That was the reason for him to be there. Well that and Sonny of course. Watching the crossexamines had been brutal. Especially watching Sonny nearly hurt him physically. He knew how terrible this situation must have been for him. Sonny loved his niece, so it must have hurt him like hell to get the case in such danger by telling the truth.
Stone was a…solid prosecutor, but he was really missing something when he watched him. At least he had nailed that last cross. Without it the case would have probably gone down badly and Ethan would have walked out of the courtroom as a free man.
His mind was back in the present. He was still standing in front of Sonny's door like some idiot.
Taking another deep breath he finally knocked at the door. He could hear footsteps coming and braced himself. When Sonny opened the door and his eyes fell on Rafael he stopped dad in his tracks.
“Rafa.” he whispered, looking at him like he was looking at a ghost. For a moment he just looked him up and down. Finally his gaze lingered on Rafael's chin. “You grew a beard?” He asked and Rafael chuckled a bit.
“Yeah…I did.” he answered after a moment. “Can I come in? I mean, only if I am not interrupting something.” He looked around, Sonny seemed to be alone.
Without another word, Sonny stepped aside and let him in. When the door closed there was a moment of silence.
“What are you doing here, Rafael?” Sonny looked at him. Rafael could clearly see the other man holding back his emotions.
“I wanted to see if you are alright. The process has been brutal and I know how important your family is for you.”
He could see Sonny's eyes widen in surprise. “How did you even hear about it?”
“I left the DA's office, but believe it or not some people are still talking to me.” Rafael could see Sonny's jaw tighten.
“You mean unlike me? That is rich from you. You left me without a word and never even looked back.” Rafael sighed watching the way Sonny crossed his arms.
“Oh, yes. You are so right. It was so easy to contact you, while you were busy ignoring my calls and my messages.” He clenched his fists and desperation took over. “We had a relationship for over a year, Sonny. I was drowning, torn into pieces. I needed you and you didn’t even bother coming to my trial. I never once felt so alone in my whole life, even when my father kept beating me as a child.” His voice got louder. “So yes, Sonny. I didn’t come to you when I decided to leave. But why would I? I figured some day you would come to my apartment and find the letter I left. Or you wouldn’t come to my apartment because you simply didn’t care anymore! I mean at least you weren’t the one that had to break up with me. It must have been a relief for you!”
Sonny looked at him eyes wide. Took in Rafael's body, trembling with anger. Rafael could see the anger rising in the other man, too. “Really you feel left behind? You left me a damn letter, didn’t even look back once and walked out of my life.”
There was silence for a moment, Rafael looked down on the floor.
“I came back.” It seemed like all his strength left his body. The words were barely a whisper.
“What?” Sonny looked at him in confusion.
“I came back around a month after I left.” Rafael said again, even quieter now. Still feeling the hurt like it had been yesterday.
Three months ago
The cab stopped in front of the apartment complex and Rafael sighed. He looked around. It felt like ages when he had been here the last time. Like it had been in another life.
Quickly, he paid the driver and climbed out of the cab before he was able to change his mind about it, again.
All what happened before…Drew, felt like it was ages ago. His suit was rumpled from his trip here. The last month he had spent in Miami with his mom. His skin was tanned, but he still looked kind of haunted and had lost weight. At night he still had nightmares about that fateful day, but it got better. Slowly, he was fighting his way back.
Those dreams weren’t coming every night anymore. That had to count for something. He took a deep breath bracing himself. It had been a trip on short notice, as soon as he thought about reconciliation with Sonny he had booked the flight.
Fast, so that he wasn't able to change his mind about it. He wanted to see if there was any chance for them left to try again. Wanted to know if Sonny still hated him.
He looked at his watch. 9 PM. He hoped that Sonny was home. Right when he was about to start walking up to the building another cab pulled up and he stepped behind the trees. He had noticed Sonny before he even left the car.
In the moment where he wanted to show himself Amanda climbed out of the car, too. He gulped, his hands clenched to fists as he watched the two, while he slowly went backwards into the shadows of a tree.
They were all over each other, kissing and laughing. He watched them like some weird stalker. Could see them stumbling towards the door of the building. Sonny's hands were roaming over Amanda’s body like they had been roaming over Rafael's body not so long ago.
He didn’t even notice the door closing behind them two. Standing there still like he had been struck by a flash.
The images had burnt its way in his head and a sob escaped his throat. Realizing there was indeed no point of return for anything of their relationship.
Rafael cleared his throat, burying his feelings under his normal mask of nonchalance. He unclenched his fists then he took out his phone. “Hey Liv? Yeah I am in the city and wanted to ask if you would like to meet up.” He listened to her answer. “I can be there in about 30 minutes.”
He called a cab and climbed in, without looking back.
Rafael looked at Sonny when he was finished. He could see the colour leaving Sonny's face. “You came back?” he asked quietly.
Rafael didn’t answer this rhetorical question. Instead he cleared his throat.
“Anyway, I just wanted to be sure everything was okay. The crosses in your niece’s case had been brutal. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for you.”
Sonny's eyes widened when he realized that Rafael had been there without any of them noticing.
Rafael turned to leave. “I should leave. Amanda is surely coming over soon. By-” he wasn’t even able to finish the sentence. Sonny grabbed him by his coat and one second later his body was pressed against the closed door.
The kiss was brutal, full of want and regret, teeth clashing, tongues fighting against each other. Sonny's body was pinning him against the door, with no chance to move even an inch.
He moaned, feeling Sonny's arousal pressing against his own, answered the kiss just as desperately. His fingers started roaming, feeling Sonny's hot naked skin underneath the shirt he was wearing. That was the moment he came by again. He broke the kiss, turning his head away and shoved Sonny away.
The other man shook his head trying to get out of the fog of arousal.
“What the hell?” Rafael asked and looked at the younger man who was staring at him. “I don’t have any intention in letting you do this with me, while you are together with Rollins.” Again he turned to leave. His breathing heavy after the kiss from before.
“It was just one night. One damn night and it had to be the one where you came back.” Sonny whispered. His eyes were getting distant.
“I missed you so much and the case we had was so brutal. I just felt alone, so we went drinking and…well you saw the rest. At first when I heard what you did with Drew, I was so devastated. I told everyone they must be wrong that you would never be able to do something like this. Every line, every border I had set in my life was getting a blur. The only thing I knew was that you had murdered a small helpless baby and I just couldn’t bring it together with my morales. I wasn’t able to understand and I wasn’t ready to look at you.”
He paused, closing his eyes and Rafael could tell the other man was fighting against tears.
Rafael waited for him to continue speaking, his anger fading away more and more.
“Liv brought me the file the day after you said goodbye to her and I read everything you said. It was like the pieces of a puzzle finally falling into place and I understood. It wasn’t murder, it was mercy. Mercy towards a child forced to exist inside of a useless body without any possibility to get better. But when I wanted to talk to you, you were gone already and your apartment had been empty.” The tears started falling. “You have walked out of my life, because I have been a clueless fool. Because I hadn’t been able to see that I was the one behaving wrong.”
Rafael's heart seemed to stop when Sonny finally looked right into his eyes. The gaze full of pain and sorrow.
“I regretted it every damn day since you had walked away. I missed you so much, but I understand if you never want to see me again. I really appreciate that you were here to show me the support I denied you when it had been important. I am really sorry, Rafa.” he whispered and looked at him.
Rafael sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “You aren’t involved with Rollins?” He then asked to be sure about it. When Carisi shook his head he nodded.
“We have a lot to talk about, Sonny and we can’t just continue where we left, but I can't imagine a life without you, too.”
Slowly, he put his hand on Sonny's cheek. His thumb stroked softly over the soft skin.
“If you are willing to, I would like to give us another try.” whispering he leaned in, kissing Sonny gently on the lips.
Sonny responded eagerly and only held him close.
Closing his eyes Rafael felt like he had come back home. He knew they had a lot to talk about, but it felt like a new beginning for them.