Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jessica groans softly, only half a moan once she realizes what she's done. The suction on her neck makes her forget, briefly, what she's done. It's strange-- no it's not, it's a very understandable thing to do if you're Jessica-- but she thinks about what Carol would say. The look on her face when she tells her. If Jessica exercises the small capacity she has to shift her thinking and practice optimism, she can hear Carol telling her that it's okay. 

That Matt and Natasha haven't been together in years. 

Matt ends Jessica's racing thoughts when he puts his hand under her shirt. His head is back and he moans when he touches her left boob. Her nipple hardens instantly and her mouth falls open. He's pulling on her nipple and smiling a little to himself over theWaiti soft sounds she's making. She wants to scoff at him, but she doesn't want to put a halt to their little moment. 

"Jesus Christ," He mutters as he pushes her shirt up more. 

Jessica arches her back does her best to unhook her bra as Matt pulls her shirt off, their arms bumping each other's.

"I thought... fuck, Matt. Let me take..." She groans as their arms still fight for which task comes first. Sure, her taking her bra off at the same time he's trying to pull her shirt off is inconvenient and the problem, but she's just as eager as he is. "Aren't you not supposed to say his name in vain, or whatever?"

"I'm praying. Sh." He chuckles against her skin as he hoists her up to kiss her chest. 

Jessica wants to laugh at first. He's worshipping her tits, like religiously. He's not praying or anything, but the way he's moving his lips and tongue against her skin is almost too much until he focuses on her nipples. Her legs clench around him and she moans loudly. He laughs.

He laughs.

"Why are you laughing at me?" She whines.

Matt's too busying making obscene sounds on her chest. It works for her. She writhes against him, trying to grind against him the best she can. It's not enough. He takes his time with her, as if he assumes this is a one time thing. 

"I'm... fuck..." He whispers as he finally releases his lips from her nipples. "God, you smell good."

"Is this your strange Daredevil powers?" She whispers.

He chuckles and grinds up into her. She moans loudly. 

"Baby, I'm just blind." He teases cruelly. 

"I know that... ugh... that's not it..." She whines again. She never whines like this. 

But no one's ever done that to her boobs, either. She's never gotten soaked from that before. Now it's a golden standard for foreplay, which she resents. 

"I know you've got something... something happened. Some freak incident."

Matt hums at freak incident and grabs her ass, humming even louder then. 

"Yeah, freak accident." He kisses her with an exploratory tongue that makes her feel prudish. "Radioactive chemicals, something like that. Happened when I was a kid."

She frowns at that. He touches her lips, rubbing his thumb over them. He laughs softly at first, before she opens her mouth and lets his thumb in. He smiles and pulls her closer, walking backwards until he's closer to his bed. He pulls his own shirt off-- finally-- and takes his belt off slowly while she pushes her leggings off.

"What? Like you."

"How..." She gasps when he drags her hips to the edge of the bed. 

He's kneeling like he's praying, her thighs over his shoulders. The answer as to how he knows that Jessica was exposed to a lot of radioactive shit is that Peter was bit by a radioactive spider and that Matt made an educated guess. Neither care to verbalize any of this. Not when he's giving her clit the same treatment he gave her nipples. She gasps and tugs on his auburn hair. 

He kisses her thighs and sighs out. He's relishing the moment. He's acting like he's wanted this for a while. Like it's a relief to have sex with Jessica Drew. Jessica's mind once again goes to Natasha. Would Nat care? She was with Matt for a while! They lived in San Francisco together. A bunch of weird shit happened and they went through it together. She thinks of all the weird shit Matt got her into, actually. As he's eating her out, she runs through the list of strange things Matt Murdock has done that she's heard of. 

But then she comes. Hard. Out of the blue, almost. His mouth is wet and her labia is slightly irritated by his stubble, but nonetheless, she decides that she's not his girlfriend and won't ever have to deal with any of the more intense weird shit she gets into now that she's the one who lives in San Francisco and his ass stays in Hell's Kitchen where it belongs. It's just that right now, she's in Hell's Kitchen, in his bed. It's not a forever thing.

Jessica takes a moment to catch her breath while Matt kisses up her body and rubs the spot to the right of her navel where a bullet got stuck and never came out... in 1967. She just healed over it and didn't have the time to pull it out or focus enough to push it out. Matt runs his stubble over her soft skin and grins when Jessica whines softly. 

"You're really something," He says it in a raspy voice. It just comes out that way. 

Jessica rolls her eyes but can't help but wrap around him when he grinds against her. His dick is hard, still in his underwear, against her thigh. She wonders if he's asking permission, but realizes he's still just taking his time with her. He's on her boobs again, and for a moment she worries he's going to do something pornographic with her boobs, but he's just mouthing on them again.

"So, you're a real boob guy, huh?" She whispers.

He laughs out and nods. He keeps laughing every time he's stopped for at least thirty seconds. She covers her face and closes her eyes.

"I am. Don't be embarrassed."

"Me, embarrassed?"

"Yeah. You seem--"

"I am not embarrassed, Murdock. I am... just... you're such a shit." She says the last part in a lower tone that makes him twitch against her thigh.

Something comes over her. It's happened before. It's like blood lust. Every now and then when she's going ham on some HYDRA goons, she sees red and just mercilessly attacks and attacks until there's nothing left. It happens during sex at least once a year, if she's having sex that year. She's got Matt on his back somehow, but she assumes he was momentarily submissive and just let her. He's pushing his boxers down gasping when she's got a hold of him, stroking him dry. 

"You're incredible." He groans out. "Fuck..."

He's the most vocal man she's ever slept with. She's heard him fight. The constant yelling and grunting, and animalistic panting. Only two of those things remain when he's having sex. She considers the possibility that Matty has a thing for getting beat up. She's not beating him up, rather off, but the way she's handling him is kinda rough. She can't help but smile, and she knows he knows she's smiling because he grins a little. 

"Slow down," He says softly, his hand coming to grasp her wrist. "Not yet. Not yet."

Jessica sighs and releases her grip on him. He looks grateful before shifting away from her to open a drawer, digging around for condoms. Jessica snorts.

"Don't." He teasingly threatens. "I swear, Ms. Drew. I will send you walking if you make a Catholic contraception joke."

She grumbles softly until he flicks the condom at her. She catches it awkwardly and looks at him and his pretty little smirk as he leans back, stroking himself slowly as he waits for her to tear the packaging open and roll the condom on him. At her age, one would assume she's seen and done most everything. This is new for her. 

And too exciting. She breathes out shakily as she rolls it on him, unable to look him in the eyes. He's staring right at her, feeling how eager she is. How turned on she is. He pulls her closer to him, kissing him as he rolls them over. Jessica groans softly when he rubs her clit gently, teasing her. 

"Good girl. You stopped making fun of me..." He whispers. 

She chuckles at that, mouth open to say something funny when he thrusts into her and makes her moan at a pitch she'd never heard come out of her mouth before. He moans loudly at that and thrusts into her like he's lost control. She clings to him, moaning against his neck as he works her over. His hips slam into hers rhythmically, hitting deeper once he gets her to un-koala him so he can lift her hips high. 

"God, you sound so good." He speaks softly, like it's something beautiful to him. His hands hold her hips, thumbs rubbing her hip bones lightly. 

He slows down, making her whimper. She would've been happy to go like that for however long but she appreciates his earnest attempt to make this last longer. For it to be memorable, she assumes. She likes when he goes slow, hitting deep and staying there for a moment with each thrust. She clenches involuntarily each time and he hums every time it happens. Once was a surprise, the third time was unexpected, but the fifteenth just felt right. 

"Matt..." She moans. "Matt..."

He stills in her, and just when she assumes he's going to come, he pulls out of her and rubs her clit again. She moans loudly, almost too sensitive to be rubbed anymore. He's gentle with her, kissing her jaw like they're sweethearts.

"I want you on your stomach..." He mutters against her ear, as if he's afraid God will hear him and condemn him for the pre-martial and the raunchiness of the sex.

Jessica has no issue rolling over and lifting her ass a bit. He makes a gruff sound and kisses her asscheek, which surprises her and makes her do an awkward, whoa! 

"I'm not going to... I'm just... admiring it." He rubs his hands over her ass, smiling a little. "I'm not going anywhere new, I promise."

Jessica is endeared to this. For some reason, it's both sweet and funny to her. It's extremely pleasant having sex with Matt. 

He's faster when he's behind her. She gets lost in the pleasure of it, letting herself tune in to the sounds of him pounding into her. The various bits of flesh slapping against each other. The moans and the soft oh, fuck. oh God. God. Jessica... Matt... oh my god. Yes. Yes. Don't stop's.

She comes again like this and drops her hips in exhaustion. He kisses her spine. 

"You last... forever." She whines.

He turns her over and cradles her,  strumming her nipples gently. She moans. 

"We can be done."

"That's not what I said."

He kisses her roughly and dips his fingers into her. "Jessica, I have nothing polite to say right now. This is... absurd. This feels... incredible."

She laughs loudly, pushing his hand away as he tries to suck his fingers. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me," He teases as he presses his fingers to her lips.

She gasps and he gasps back. "No? Not a fan?"

She has to think about it. He's already sucked it off his fingers when she'd decided that she would like to try it. He pouts and coos at her as he fingers her again, not too deep, just nice and pleasantly. She writhes and whimpers as he plays with her. When he finally pulls his fingers out, she grabs his wrist to lick his fingers. He groans at that, his fingers vibrating when her tongue swipes up his digit and takes her own wetness into her mouth.

"Ew. It tastes like condom."

Matt stares at her in a way that makes Jessica fear that he might want to keep her after this. It's his exact intention. She's funny, he thinks. She's hot. She's pleasant to be around. She's like him, someone always on the move. Matt caresses her body slowly before sighing. 

"I'm going to need you to ride me. Now." He tells her.

Jessica scoffs and moves on top of him. "I suppose I will."

They smile as she rides him. His hands running up her sides and scratching down. She nearly bends backwards when he thrusts up to meet her. They do this until her legs feel weak. Her body over stimulated. Just when she's about to wave the white flag, he's groaning and gripping her tightly. 

"Jess..." He moans out. 

She kisses him hard, reading his mind. He moans into her mouth and holds her face with both hands as she clenches around him (on purpose) to make him come. He groans again, half in her mouth and half when he tilts his head back and lets out a soft fuuuuuck. 

Jessica is asleep on the couch in the sitting room of the mansion. No one's pestered her. She's been asleep like that for an hour. 

"Do not." Carol warns Clint.

"I just wanted to grab a DVD." He mumbles.

"You'll bother her if you walk in there. I know you will." 

Clint simply waits for Carol to leave her post. He slips in and smiles at Jessica, leaning down and watches her sleep.

"Ah, fuck!" Jessica jumps when she smells Clint.

He frowns. 

"Don't look at me like that! You creeped on me!" Jessica yells. 

Clint back away, shoulders high as he looks mopey and apologetic. "I was trying to be sweet." 

Jessica feels an annoying wave of guilt wash over her. She swore sex off with Clint, not cut off all communications. She feels mean for pushing him away when he was just trying to be sweet. Kind of like when a dog jumps all over you when they see you and they accidentally lick your mouth and you gag.

"I know, I'm sorry." She smiles at him. 

"That reeked of condescension." Bucky tells her later.

She turns around slowly, glaring at him a little. She doesn't hate him. She doesn't. It's just that he annoys her. A thorn in her side. It could be anything. It's a mutual feeling, but he likes to poke at her because he likes how annoyed she gets.

"You heard that?" She growls at him.

He nods his head a little and walks closer to her, looking down at her just a little. She's only three inches shorter than him but the way he's looking at her makes her feel a foot shorter than him. She detests that.

"I was getting a DVD." He tells her. "He's poor puppy dog ears have been hanging down since." 

She's slapping her spoon against the rock hard ice cream in the pint, a tic to distract her from how badly she wants to take whatever out on him. He stares at her for a moment, curious as to why she's a bit more riled up than usual.

"What the problem?" 

"Nothing." She grumbles like a teenager.

He walks closer, now facing her. He leans in and smells her.

"Jesus Christ."

"It wasn't him." She says reflexively. 

Bucky's eyes widen. "Jess, I never thought you fucked Christ himself." 

She smacks him. He doesn't move. He nods, acknowledging that he deserved it.

"You smell like--"

"Because I had sex."

"With who? Who is..." He figures it out as she says it. 

She covers her face and sighs heavily. Bucky stares at her, trying to hide a smile. 

"What's that like?"

"No."

"I just wanna know."

"Do you really wanna know?"

Bucky nods slowly. She uncovers her face, cocking a brow.

"Ask your girlfriend."

Bucky grunts and clutches his chest. He pants a little, pretending like he's really wounded in a very convincing way. Jessica doesn't move.

"I forgot." He tells her. "Bit before me."

"Sure."

He twitches at that. She got him there, a little cut that bleeds more than it hurts. She looks away, not liking that look on his face.

"You know Clint would drop if he found out." Bucky says it with an edge in his voice that she doesn't care for. 

"I'm not dating him. It's not like he owns me." She starts in on him with the same tone. "I don't have to ask for his permission."

"I don't have to ask Natalia for permission."

"I didn't say that you did, Barnes."

He blinks a few times and steps back. Jessica looks down at her feet. He sucks his cheeks in, not wanting to leave but not knowing what else to say that wouldn't ruin what shreds of decency they feel towards each other. Bucky already knows he has more for her than she has for him.

"I'm sorry." She whispers. 

It makes his blood hot. He doesn't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. There's just something about hearing her say it that makes him feel alert, makes him just feel something new. Not annoyed. Not angry. Something He's not smart enough to name. He's not sure if there's an English word for it.

"So am I." He mutters.

"Okay, that's actually not the same."

He slumps and leans on the counter, looking at her with tired, heavy brown eyes. 

"Jessica..." He groans in a way that makes her feel... no. 

"Stop that." She whispers. 

His lips twitch a bit. "Are you... unwell?" 

Jessica's face falls. Bucky prepares for whatever she'll say or do. Because once again, he knows he has it comin'.

"I'm perfectly fine." She grits out. "Why?"

He shakes his head. "Nope. Already said enough.

They stare at each other for too long. 

"It bothers me." He tells her quietly. Like he's ashamed.

"What?" She winces.

He rubs his eyes and looks away. "Fuck you. It bothers me. That's it. It just does. I... feel like... every time I think about just... trying... trying with you... you just... kick me across the room."

"Are you trying to fuck me... hours after--"

"Yeah, Jessica. I'm trying to fuck you when you already smell like sex and fucking holy water.'

"I don't smell like holy water. Holy water doesn't even have a smell."

"That's not true."

"Big church guy?"

"I just want you to be nice to me."

"Why does that matter? Since when--"

"Since you came back from that fucking Skrull ship." He hisses. 

She shoves him then. He stumbles back and looks at her, nodding slowly. 

"What?" She asks harshly.

"You don't like me... because you don't want to admit that you're like me."

"I'm not, and don't think so hard about my... internal thoughts and intentions."

He sighs out and looks away. It's true though. She doesn't want to tell him. She knows he'll hold that against her or use it to some benefit of his. What benefit that is, is beyond her. She just can't imagine him wanting anything to do with her. Not after the bickering and the ignoring and the talking-behind-backs. The shared recurring anguish of being dumped by the people who keep running to each other and away from them. If Jessica had a dollar for every time Carol suggested Jess just even flirt with Bucky, she'd be able to to buy him coffee at that one place in Brooklyn that's got a quirky name and sells those pastries she really likes. 

The same place he goes to.

The place they ignore each other at.

"I know." She tells him. "I know... that I'm a real dick to you. And you're... kinda right."

He exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding and he unclenches his jaw, which he was aware of. Jessica looks at him with a sorry look on her face.

"I've not been a very nice girl since I got pulled out of the goo."

He smiles a bit, understanding the goo. "I pulled you out of that goo. I didn't expect you to be well adjusted right off the bat. Five years stuck on a Skrull ship and coming back to a bunch of bullshit..."

She tenses at that. "You..."

"Don't worry about it."

"So you've seen me naked?"

He stares at her and sighs, "I was more interested in getting you back  home so Logan and Parker would leave me alone." 

"Maybe you were a better Cap than I gave you credit for."

He looks down. "Thank you."

She closes her eyes. He runs his metal hand through her hair, fingers weaving into her dark, thick hair. It's a strange move, but it's all he can do to show her some kind of... kindness. Some way of caring for her that he can't verbalize without sounding like an idiot. 

Or showing her that he didn't think about her naked then, or now, but stands across the room from her and wonders if it looks as good as it feels to make her laugh. He's certain the boy from Indiana who flirted with every pretty girl he saw would've run into her arms, would've charmed his way into her bed. He would've been nicer, probably. And she would've dragged your ass to HYDRA. 

Jessica lets him rub his flesh thumb over her cheek. Her eyes dart all over his face as he looks at her with his eyes glazed over. 

"Say something mean." He asks quietly.

"I... can't." Her voice is low. 

He swallows thickly and nods again. "Alright. Then I'll say something mean."

"Go ahead." She furrows her brow.

He pulls away from her. "She doesn't like you enough to care that you fucked him... if she were to find out. I won't tell her, I promise."

Jessica feels like he kneed her in the gut. He regrets saying it, but it does get his mind off of imagining sitting next to her in meetings and smiling at her in coffee shops. Jessica knows this isn't true. That Nat does like her. In fact, she likes her as much as Nat can like someone without getting too vulnerable. They once were friends, close ones, but it wasn't really Jessica. It had been Veranke. Since then, it's been arms length.

Bucky knows this. 

"Well, if she ever does find out, at least it's just Matt and the love of her life."

Bucky smiles grimly. "You win." 

She tilts her head. "Oh? That's all it takes? Invoking the long dead Alexei?"

Bucky leans in. She smells like sweat, like sex, but also like her. He hates that he likes it. That he can see the faint bruising on her neck from how quickly the marks he left on her skin healed. He wants her to call him a cuck again, like she did two years ago. 

"Alexei isn't dead, sweetheart."

"Do you have his number?" 

Bucky's eyes twitches. Jessica leans in. What's threatening in her head and would be to anyone who's looking, is erotic to Bucky. A rush that he hasn't felt in a while, or ever. It's just because she's talking to him. The closest he's been in years, the longest they've spoken... the way he feels like he's trying to pull her closer and she's not breaking loose. When she does pull away, she grips her ice cream pint too tightly. 

The ice cream has melted significantly and the vanilla and fudge coat her hand in away that makes his knees weak. No. No. No.

He looks down and swallows thickly. "Are you going to clean that up?"

She doesn't have to look down to know what he's thinking. What it looks like, he wants it to be. 

"No."

"Lick it."

She thinks about earlier. About Matt pulling his fingers out of her and her hesitation to taste herself. She doesn't hesitate this time. Sure, it's not the same. But she wants to know what he'll do. His eyes don't leave her when she flattens her tongue against her messy, sugary and sweet hand once she's released it from the pint. She takes her time with it. She's not giving him any eyes or anything of the sort. It's almost like dominance trying to out-do his attempt.

He drops his head and stares at her hand. 

"Are you going to see him again?"

"Do you not want me to?"

That makes his blood pressure spike. When he realizes she's not fucking with him, he nods. She nods back.

"Okay."

He breathes out and laughs softly. 

"Does that feel good?" 

"Like you wouldn't believe, sweetheart."

She looks him up and down. She's trying to see if he's hard, trying to be discreet about it. He takes her sticky hand and presses it to his crotch. He's not hard. She smiles at him a little, her lips wiggling slightly. He chuckles. 

"You can see him again, if you'd like. I'm not--"

"Don't do that." She speaks in a low tone. "Don't take it back."

He blinks a few times, sucking in a breath. 

"This is the most interesting thing that's happened to me in a long time. In fact, maybe it's... normal. Normal people do these things, right?"

"Asking the wrong guy, Jessica."

Jessica shrugs. "Either way..."

She smirks, leaving him palming at his crotch trying to feel if he's at all moved by this. He's not. He moves closer to her, trying to figure of a way to tell whether or not she is without touching her. But all he smells is someone else's success. And all he thinks about is how badly he wishes Natasha could see what he's doing, and how badly he wishes Jessica would just take him.

Chapter Text

It feels good, unfortunately. 

Jessica looks at how Bucky stares at her from across the room while she half-assedly listens to Logan grunt his way through some story about his X-Men team while Peter yaps in her other ear about an issue he had at a supermarket that was entirely his fault. Just by looking at him, Jessica knows Bucky doesn’t see Peter there talking to her, too. Neither Peter or Logan know she’s listening to both of them. She’s just in the middle of two guys who really need to get something off their chest and all Bucky sees is Jessica talking to one of his only friends. 

“He’s my friend too.” Jessica scoffs after the meeting when Bucky follows her into the elevator. 

“You have Carol.” He says it like Jessica only needs one friend. 

He’s soooooo right, but if Jessica doesn’t talk to other people, what will she have to contribute to Shit Talk night with Carol? 

“Logan and I have known each other longer,” Jess tries in earnest. 

Bucky almost smiles at that. Jessica wrinkles her nose up once she realizes the mistake she’s made. Very bad. 

“Oh, fuck me. Here we go.” She grumbles as Bucky gears up to go into his traumatized and broken childhood and teen years in the war, the early adulthood of him fighting gerries and being used in propaganda that children have studied in textbooks for decades longer than he’s been free from Karpov. 

When he’s done regaling some war stories starring himself and Logan, Jessica pats his back and says—

“Logan and I were together in Madripoor like ten years ago.” 

Bucky’s face falls. 

And then it screws up in disgust. 

But then it falls again and a look of understanding crosses his weathered face. 

But he scowls again. 

“I see.” Is all he says. 

She’s frowning at him. The truth is, she really liked Logan. She likes how hairy he is and how gruff he is and how crass and sensitive and worshipping and how rough his hands are. 

Bucky clears this throat, “Are you thinking about him right now?” 

Jessica looks at him and nods slowly. Bucky grins and looks away. Jessica smirks and bumps his shoulder. 

“Do you like that?” 

“No!”

They both chuckle. 

“It’s uh…” he starts. “I guess I just didn’t realize it was mutual. He talks about you a lot. In uh, desperate ways. Ways that make me feel… made me feel bad. Thought maybe you were teasing him, or something.”

“No, Bucky. He’s had the whole thing. Had it. For months.”

“In Madripoor.” Bucky mumbles. 

“Yeah. Madripoor.” She sighs out. 

Madripoor is Vegas for the superhero looking to be fully hedonistic and above the law. A respite for those forced to follow rules. The weather is tepid most of the year, except for the “winter” months which just make skin dry and the roads are terrible. If you stay in Hightown, you have a more pleasant and picturesque time. It’s more touristy these days. Someone wrote a book about it and now people flock to it. It’s nearly three times more expensive to stay now. However, none of the Avengers ever stayed there. Well, at least the ones like Bucky, Logan, and Jessica. Jessica stayed somewhere in Midtown. Bucky and Logan stayed in the rough parts. For character building purposes and because work was good there. Dirty. 

“So you two were… together.” Bucky breathes out, trying to make sense of it. 

This is the issue Jessica’s run into before when talking about this time in her life. Ten years ago, Logan was very different. So was she. Jessica assumes it was her kinder approach that got him hooked. How she’d been affable and flirty and funny and that just really spoke to the softer side of him that wanted to have fun and to not have to worry about getting robbed after sex. 

Bucky knew it was those things and how hot Jessica is. Bucky could easily imagine Jessica in Madripoor. Nighttime, neon lights reflecting off the sweat on her cleavage. Her hair curled from the humidity. The pink in her cheeks from the heat. The way her hand would look curled around a cold bottle of beer leaking condensation. 

“For six months.” Jessica tells him. 

For six months, Jessica let Logan stay with her in her sublet instead of him potentially getting bugs of all sorts in a seedy motel. Of course Logan would never tell anyone he stayed in a condo in Midtown. What surprised Jessica was that he never told anyone that he was staying there and sleeping next to Ndssica every night. 

“Do you want to know?” Jessica asks Bucky, testing him. 

They’re walking slowly down his hallway, she realizes. When she stops, he smiles a bit. 

“You were trying to get me in your room.” She grumbles. 

He nods and smiles shamelessly. “Only to hear you talk about fucking my… our friend.”

“Well I probably shouldn’t say it where just anyone could hear.” Jessica shrugs. 

Bucky doesn’t know she’s kidding about actually telling him. He wants to know. That’s why he keeps walking and gestures that he follows her. 

Jessica sighs and looks around his room. Half of the lightbulbs are out because it was “too fucking bright” before. It’s not messy and it’s not even lived in. She’s greeted by a white cat. She gasps and picks the cat up. 

“Hello!” Jessica grins. 

She gets a meow back that makes her hug the cat to her. 

Bucky watches in shock. Alpine doesn’t like strangers. Alpine would’ve squirmed away if it were anyone else. Like Bucky. Bucky can’t even imagine Jessica hugging him. Yes he can. 

After some whiskey, Jessica tells Bucky what happened. 

She got there right in the middle of winter. It was right after her first break up with Clint, and the most dramatic thing she could fathom doing was going to Madripoor to beat up some bad dudes for good or goodish people. However, Logan was running that. When he heard some lady was operating with the same intentions, he came over and nearly kicked the door to the bar in. 

“Drew. The hell are you doing here?” 

Jessica blinked. 

“Drinking?” 

Even in the bitter temperature, Logan was only wearing a leather jacket. Jessica was wearing her coat inside because there was no heat in the bar. Many places aren’t heated in Madripoor because the really cold weather days are far and few in between. 

It took Logan a moment to realize she was the lady. Of course he thought Jessica was a lady. She was polite and she was respectful and she had good listening skills, which was something so impressive to Logan that it was set apart from the other two things aforementioned. Whether it was because of her HYDRA training or not, he liked how good she was at following orders because it was fun to get her to ease up and break some rules with him on missions. 

“You’re not here to bring me home, are ya?” He asked gruffly. 

Jessica scoffed. “I bet you’d like that. Me coming to save your hairy ass.”

“It doesn’t need saving.”

“Well it’s not going to get any kissing.”

“How about you go uptown, Jess? You play around up there and go back home to daddy.”

“Daddy?”

“Fury.”

“Fury isn’t my dad.”

“He likes to act like it. You like to act like he is too.”

She slapped him. It was rude of her. She regretted it immediately. She didn’t know what to expect in those seconds that followed her palm leaving his dry and stubbly cheek. Was she scared? Maybe. She could handle it. She could take it, too. 

Instead, she found herself against the wall of the bathroom with his paws all over her. 

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?” He asked her. 

Jessica was quiet, mostly watching him move his hands up her torso and hesitating before he got to her boobs. She grabbed his hands and set them there. He sighed out hard, squeezing experimentally. 

Were you into it?

Yes, moron. 

You don’t make it seem—

Barnes, I was into it. Do you want me to tell you that I was into it?

It would help. 

Help?

Am I not supposed to be turned on? Ow! 

Logan fingered her there. He’d placed the heavy metal trash can against the door and yelled at everyone to use the other one or go outside. Jessica had never had sex in public like that. 

Does fingering in a bathroom count? 

Yes, it does. Do you not count it? 

No, I don’t. Full penetration only. 

Poor Natasha. 

Yeah, yeah. So was it good? 

The answer is that it was okay. She was upset about Clint. 

There’s no way Clint is better than Logan. 

At fingering? They’re both terrible. 

I’m not. 

I didn’t ask. 

I just wanted you to know. 

Jessica didn’t see Logan for days after that. They ran into each other in a store, like a rom com. If a rom com called for the two main love interests to be bloody and beat up as they bought instant noodles and cheap coffee. Logan did something  rare for him. 

He asked her out. They went uptown and got dinner somewhere that boasted Superb American Food. 

You know that closed?

Whoa. No way. 

Yeah. Devastating. Only good place to get Mac and cheese. 

Didn’t they sell weed there too?

Well now, Jess, I don’t know anything about that. 

After, Logan kissed her at her condo and then just… didn’t leave for two days. They talked at first, drank more, and then he fell asleep on the couch watching some old western he insisted and paid attention to. 

Which one? 

High Noon? Is that one?

Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly?

Yeah! 

Jessica actually really liked the movie. So much, that she fell asleep on Logan on purpose. They woke up, warm and sticky from Logan's body heat. His arm wrapped around her tight and hand cupping one of her tits. When they woke up, Logan kissed her. 

It wasn't a big one, nothing too sexy. He just... kissed her nice and slow before standing up and walking to the bathroom. Jessica laid there, trying to orient herself and take in what was happening. When he comes out he just said:

"Bathroom's all yours." 

In the bathroom, Jessica washed her face thoroughly and brushed her teeth. Logan tapped his knuckles against the door.

"You decent?" He asked in a gruff tone. 

She opened the door. She was decent. Still wearing the clothes she had on from the night before like he was. 

"You need in again?"

He laughed and shook his head, "I just wanted to kiss you more."

Smooth. 

Very smooth.

So, you two... hooked up?

No. Not for another--

No fucking way.

Bucky, stop interrupting me. 

It was about a month later that Logan decided it was time to take her shirt off. He vocalized this in a way that made Jessica laugh. They bickered about him being a gentleman and how Jessica was surprised and how that insulted Logan. Still, he pawed at her boobs and kissed her for a long time before unhooking her bra with some difficulty. She tried to help him but he grumbled and swatted her hands away. When he finally "got a hold of them", he didn't do much but fondle. Nothing like what Matt did.

What did Matt do to them?

Don't worry about it.

Jessica... what did--

I'll leave!

Okay... okay... I'll just imagine.

That's fine.

Still, Jess and Logan didn't have sex. Mostly because she really wanted to. It freaked him out a little, that someone like her actually wanted someone like him. She thought he was absurd to be insecure. She thought that just because Jean Grey was married and didn't want him, that didn't mean no one wanted him at all. He did get a lot of action, it was just having sex with Jessica that felt like some kind of... joke. 

"Do you think I'd have sex with you as a joke?" Jessica scoffed.

"No... I..." He trailed off, keeping his voice grumbly.

"Like some teenage movie based on a Shakespeare--"

"I have no clue what you're on about right now, but just hush it. Alright? I just... you're all... you. You know?"

"No." She said it loudly. "We make out all the time, we spend time together, we have fun... we go on dates."

And then she learned he didn't consider those dates. He thought that she was bored, using him and in return, he was inadvertently using her. He'd promised himself he wouldn't take it too far. That's why he didn't think he was a gentleman.

"Sex with you... specifically you... that's not just nothin'." He mumbled. 

When they did have sex, a few days later, Logan was more affectionate than she thought he'd be. He held her close, kept his face close. He--

Did he gro-- hey, hey, hey, he's my friend too. I'm just asking. I'm just curious. Don't hit me. Jess.. Jessica...

Logan growling in her ear turned her on. He liked that, laughed a little every time she'd moan over it. He didn't have to bite down on his lip when making love to her. He considered it that. They didn't say they loved each other, but he called it that. He was gentle even when she asked him to go harder. It wasn't about him losing control, it was just that he wanted to treat her nice. She wondered if everyone knew how lazy of a lay Clint was and that's why Logan insisted on only quality sex with her. In reality, it was because he knew there was years of her life where sex was occupational. 

Logan only ate her out twice in the months they were together. She didn't complain about it. It was good when he did. He just preferred to be inside of her. In every room of her sublet. He liked bending her over and snapping his hips gently into her, taking his time with it and keeping her close. Jessica looked forward to it. Thinking about where he'd start by kissing her neck and unbuttoning her pants slowly. 

He broke things off when Professor Xavier called him back. There was a crisis, of course. He was needed. 

"Guess I'm getting tossed back to Charles. You tell Fury I had fun." He said before kissing her.

"And that was that." Jessica shrugs.

Bucky's jaw is tight. He runs that over in his head. Logan jokes all the time about getting tossed around by Fury leading the Avengers and Charles with the X-Men. Bucky overthought everything he ever heard. So when he heard that... 

"Jessica, you should've killed him."

Jessica laughs. 

"No, I mean it." Bucky says in a low tone, like he's hurt by this.

"It was a long time ago."

"And he should feel like a dick for it. The implications..."

Jessica stands up and looks down at him. Bucky looks stressed out. 

"I know. I've thought about this a lot more than you and I'm over it. It was like, ten years ago and for me, it was only five. I'm over it." She's sharp with it. Like it's been said before. Practiced.

Bucky crosses his arms over his chest. Jessica rolls her eyes at how self-righteous he's coming off right now. The way he's all worked up over something that didn't happen to him, something that happened so long ago, Jessica doesn't really mind anymore. Bigger fish to fry. But that's not enough for Bucky. Not when he's seen Logan make her laugh and when he remembers how urgent Logan was about saving Jessica. For all Bucky knew, Logan was in love with her and she was a tease.

"You wanted more." Bucky says quietly.

Jessica sits back down and looks away. He leans in and touches her hand.

"Don't bullshit me." He says it quietly. "You wanted more and he pulled away."

"Only before I could. That's what pissed me off. He did it first." She tells him.

Jessica knows that if she'd spent even one more month would Logan, she'd let it slip. She'd tell him she loved him. It's hard not to when you're sleeping in someone's arms almost every night and at least always in the same bed. When you're making dinner together and he's wrapping his arms around you, calling you names like princess.

Bucky gives up on talking to Jessica about it. Instead, he tries to kiss her.

She pulls back and gives him a stern look. "That... why...?"

He stares at her dully and laughs. "Yeah. You're right."

He sits back on the couch. Jessica doesn't look at him, trying to process that.

"I don't want a pity kiss from you." She mumbles.

Bucky smiles a bit and drags a finger along her thigh. She looks at him now, those green eyes looking gray in the dull lighting of his room. 

"I'm bad with words." He tells her quietly. "I'm better at kissing than I am talking."

She laughs a little, feeling more endeared to him than she had weeks before. She liked having him around. She liked that every now and then, he'd flirt with her. Do something that reminded her that there was a big part of him that wanted her, but a smaller part that wanted to have sex with her. It was jealousy. When he got jealous, he thought about how Logan would get annoyed-- or at least Bucky hoped-- and they could get into it. He could tell Logan that he was a dick for what he said to Jessica before dumping her and how he'd never do that to her. Which was posturing. Bucky could do worse.

Bucky could go back to Natasha. He could go to her room and knock on the door til she answered and weasel his way in until she remembered she loves him. That he might not be Alexei and he might not be fun like Clint, but that he really loves her. He wondered what Jessica would do. If she'd be mad or jealous in any way. They weren't together. Bucky didn't even get more than half-hard hearing about Logan. He just felt... 

Like he wished someone would be angry for him the way he was angry for her. That someone would say, "You shouldn't let her walk all over you, you shouldn't push her away when things get good. You shouldn't change your mind about marriage and get upset when she does the same. You shouldn't beg so much. You shouldn't have to beg at all unless she asks nicely."

Jessica leans over and presses her lips on his cheek in a way that feels terribly comforting. He just ruins it by putting his hand on her waist and kissing her properly. Still, neither feel a thing. 

Jessica snorts. "It's almost insulting."

Bucky closes his eyes and rubs the back of his neck. "Maybe I have a condition."

"Erectile dysfunction?" She wrinkles her nose.

"I heard it's serious, don't make that face at me."

"I mean, we're old. At some point, stuff like that's gonna come for us."

"Nothing's coming right now."

They both laugh at that. It feels nice, to laugh with her. He wants to keep trying, to look at her and know she's turned on. 

"What?" She whispers. "Don't be a pussy."

He smiles wryly. "I need to get laid."

"You do." She nods. "By someone who makes you hard."

Bucky sighs and looks at her again, focusing on her boobs. Jessica smacks him playfully. He laughs and gasps when she touches his dick through his pants.

"Not enough." Jessica chuckles. 

He keeps her hand there. Even if he's mostly flaccid, his brain knows it's hot just having her touching him like that so brazenly. Not even Natasha...

"Do you... ever..." He tries to ask. 

Jessica bites her lip and frowns. "It's complicated."

"I'm a good listener."

"No, you're not?" Jessica scoffs incredulously. 

Bucky sighs and shifts his him up into her hand a little. She feels progress. 

"Do you want me to embellish?" She asks.

"What? No. I want... I just want to know."

"Alright. I... like that you... that it's like a little psychological thing. It's not... normal. I like when you watch me talk to other men. How you... study it. Like you want me to... I don't know." Jessica runs her fingers through her hair, shifting around awkwardly. 

Bucky sighs out. "Good way of putting it."

"Is it?" Jessica laughs.

"It's enough for you, it's enough for me."

Jessica kisses his jaw lightly. He grabs the back of her neck suddenly and kisses her hard. She kisses him back. He pulls back first, panting too hard, groaning as he does it like he didn't want to stop. She leans forward like she's trying to chase it, but stops herself.

"Feel." He whispers. 

Jessica palms his crotch, feeling that he's almost fully hard. 

"Congrats. You can get it up a little." Jessica nods.

Bucky licks his lips and rocks his hips a bit. "Can we keep doing that?"

He sounds so innocent when he says it that it makes Jessica feel meek. She nods and moves to kiss him again just when he does, bumping their foreheads and making them groan. He laughs, she doesn't. She just looks at him, his groan doing something to her. 

Bucky doesn't kiss her, he lays her out on the sofa, kneeling between her legs. She pliant, fully trusting of him. He feels something he usually represses. Something that he only ever thinks about briefly during sex. He assumes most men do, and he likes to imagine all women do, too. Dominance. 

"You make me nervous." He tells her. "Like it's my first time."

She blinks up at him. "Oh."

He pushes his hand up her abdomen, snaking it under her shirt and up her torso. She flinches at how cold his fingers are, his flesh ones. Her nipples harden and she considers telling him that she wants him to mouth on her like Matt did without mentioning Matt, who hasn't made an attempt for a second meeting. Jessica hasn't minded. She's been preoccupied. Right now, it's Bucky's mouth she's thinking about. Together, they pull her shirt off. He stares at her boobs and sits back. 

"What?" Jessica asks, beginning to curl in on herself when Bucky leans forward and pulls her on top of him. 

They lay down like that. He directly on him, between his legs. Fully hard dick pressed against her. Her head is on his chest. She feels... she doesn't know what she's feeling but it's too good for her to care too much. He feels... guilt. Shame. He feels like he's cheating. Cheating at the game, cheating on Natalia. 

"Bucky..." She speaks softly. 

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Touch... yourself."

She blinks. "Like this?"

He nods. He knows it's awkward. She doesn't say no, though. She listens to his heart beat faster when she shimmies her pants off and rubs herself through her underwear. He closes his eyes and thinks about how good she smells. How good she is. How badly he wants to call her a good girl, but doesn't want to get hit, or worse, discover that she really likes it. She liked it just fine when Matt said it. But Bucky was different. She felt like she was performing a bit, rubbing herself like that while laying on him. His cock twitched a few times, making her wonder why he wouldn't just do it. 

"Stop going so fast. Take your time." He tells her.

He wants to hear her soft breathing and little hums, to keep feeling her rock gently against him. His cock desperate for touch, something more direct and unforgiving.

"Do you want me to come?" She asks, testing the waters.

He feels nothing but relief when she asks him that. She gets it. He smooths her hair with his hand, she moves her fingers slowly over her panties.

"Yes, I do." Bucky says it softly. "I want you to come like this."

She nods and applies more pressure. He shifts to move her, once again moved by how docile she's being for him. She lays with her back against his chest as she rubs herself. He looks down over her shoulder, looking down her shirt at times, while she gets herself off. 

"Does this feel good?" He asks her quietly. 

She nods and breathes out a moan. He presses his lips to her hair. 

"Are you thinking about Matt?" He asks. It just comes out of his mouth.

"Do you... want me to?" That old attitude of hers comes back a little. 

It makes him smile and bite the shell of her ear gently. She squirms against him and he pulls her tighter to him. 

"Yes."

She stops and turns to look at him. "Are you serious?"

Bucky nods confidently, he's faking it, but he's confident. She blinks and laughs a bit.

"You are... fucked up." She tells him.

He knows. She tries to kiss him but he stops her, a hand spread across her sternum.

"I want you to think about it. I want you to imagine him doing it." He tells her quietly. She is stunned. 

But she gets back into position and works herself again. Bucky watches, watches as she acclimates to the idea of it in her mind, giving into it. She imagines it's Matt holding her and telling her what to do. It seems like something he'd do anyway, so she doesn't have to try hard. She rocks into her hand, working herself harder. Bucky growls a bit, unable to stop.

And she thinks about Logan. 

Bucky knows what he's done but doesn't stop her when she moves faster. 

"God." He whispers in her ear. "You're so... good at this."

She moans for real now. Bucky feels his heart stop for a second and puts his hand over hers. 

"Keep... talking." She grits out.

"Can you feel his hands?" He asks in a low tone. Not whispering, just speaking like he doesn't want anyone but her to hear it. "Is it his hand bringing you close?"

She doesn't know who it is she's thinking about. Some conglomeration of Logan and Matt. She nods against him.

"Mmm. Say it out loud for me, actually." He chuckles a little. 

She groans and speaks out. "It's his hand."

"Is he kissing you?" He asks, smirking against her earlobe. 

"No." She says stubbornly. 

He sighs and presses her hand harder against her clit, "Not even a little?"

She laughs then and pushes his hand away. His face falls. 

"I can't take it seriously." She laughs.

He groans and sinks into the couch. "Jess, I'm sorry. I'll stop--"

"No, it's not... that was good. It was... hot."

"So let me finish you." He blinks. "Let me... fuck. I just... just come. Please?"

She bites her lip and kisses him again, biting his lower lip. He moans. 

"It's not your fault." 

He shakes his head. "Jessica. You were--"

"I wasn't close."

He hangs his head and huffs. "So I can't come even though I'd like to and you just... won't?"

"No, that's not it. I can't come because it's--"

There's a knock on his door that makes her push away from him and hop over the couch faster than he's ever seen her move in battle. Bucky blinks, frozen on the sofa with his dick tenting in his pants. 

"Buck?" Steve's low baritone calls out.

Instantly, he's soft.

Bucky stands up and answers the door. Steve looks stressed out, of course.

"We need to be in the air in ten minutes. Red Skull's on his way to Munich."

"I bet he is." Bucky grumbles and looks behind his back. "Who else?"

"Sam and Sharon. We have Logan on standby. I was going to ask Jessica but I can't find her." Steve sighs. "I'll call her again. It'd be helpful to have her around. She's... efficient when it's HYDRA." 

"Why doesn't she replace Sharon?" Bucky blurts.

"Because I'd like for Sharon to be there." Steve answers bluntly. "I've made up my mind on the team, Bucky. It just works best thing way."

"Jessica is efficient. She knows HYDRA tactics best. It's not like they switch up." Bucky shrugs, trying to play it off. 

"Fine. I'll... we bring her too. Logan stays on standby."

"If we have Jessica, we don't need Logan."

Steve furrows his brow at Bucky and looks at him suspiciously. Bucky keeps a straight face. 

"What?"

"Why Jessica?" Steve asks in a way that seems like he already knows. Maybe it's guilt speaking to Bucky. Bucky can just imagine the Steve's reaction to him... anything with Jessica. "You beg me to take her off missions with you."

Bucky flinches and groans softly. Steve steps into Bucky's place, looking at him with a furrowed brow. 

"You need to speak."

"She and I worked it out." Bucky tells him.

"What was there to work out? You're both pigheaded. You let your personal lives over run what you're supposed to do--"

"You're so full of shit." Bucky scoffs.

Steve blinks. "I... that was... it was too far. I'm... I know that--"

"I'll even do you a favor and not tell her you said that."

"Oh because the two of you are such good..." Steve's eyes drift toward the sofa. 

Bucky doesn't flinch. 

Steve tilts his head and nods. "She's in here."

"What?" Bucky keeps a straight tone. 

"That's the shirt she was wearing earlier today." Steve holds his breath. "Oh, god..."

Bucky feels like he has heartburn and nearly bowls over when Steve walks in and calls for her. Bucky groans and follows Steve. 

"Stop it." Bucky snaps. "Just... you don't have to--"

"Have to? Have to? No. Natasha is one thing, but Jessica?"

"What's wrong with her?" He asks sharply.

Steve blinks, surprised by this display. "I'd like to ask her the same question."

Jessica swings the front door open, suited up. Steve and Bucky turn their heads at the same time. 

"Are you boys fighting over me?" Jessica smirks. 

Steve's face goes white. He's intimidated by her. The way she leans against the doorframe, her suit snug to her body and her hair braided back. Her cowl isn't on yet. 

"Five minutes, Cap." She tilts her head, telling him to get out. 

Steve obliges, head down as he walks out. Jessica looks at Bucky with an empty expression. He knows what she's thinking, though. 

It's over.

Chapter Text

It ends with embarrassment. Waking up from a fog like that just made Jessica feel icky. It made Bucky feel guilty. Getting reprimanded by Steve like he was still 18 and fooling around with the girls who were fans of them. Steve had once asked Bucky what kind of man he was to use girls like that, to capitalize off of the “work” they were doing that went beyond the propaganda pictures and publicity. The real work. 

Bucky didn’t care for it then, and he didn’t care for it now. The truth is, maybe Bucky had been a better man back then… but how would he know? When the years of his life he should’ve spent getting to know himself and his place in the world were cut short by a plane exploding with him on it, followed by several years of Russian torture and disgusting, merciless killing. 

There were times he wanted to shake Steve by the shoulders and remind him what it was like. That Bucky was a boy on that base, that he only wanted to be seen as a man to fit in, to make whoever was around proud of him. He wanted Steve to be proud of him and even when he was, it still wasn’t enough. The walls Steve has built up since the war aren’t as thick as Bucky’s. You can still hear a heart beat when you listen for it. You have to break through the wall to hear Bucky’s. 

What bothered him was how easy it was for them to at least pretend to go back to normal. For Jessica to pull away from him and return to that level of co-existing that ate at Bucky. Now, it ate at her too. She knew what it was like now, to stand close to him and hear him chuckle. She considered it an Icarus situation. They simply flew too close to the sun. The sun being Steve Rogers. That made more sense to her than half of the things that happened to her ever had. 

“At least he didn’t catch you in active duty,” Carol offered. 

Jessica presses her lips together and sighs out hard, “God, sometimes I think it would’ve been better.”

“Really?” Carol scoffs.

“No. It just would’ve… made it more real. Instead, I climbed out of his window like a teenager and crawled into my own.” Jessica lamented. 

It was quite the novel experience and was a bit exciting until she heard what Steve said to Bucky. It played in her head over and over til she felt sick. 

Bucky and Jessica didn’t speak until well after the mission. They’d gone into a kind of dissociative mode that wasn’t quite the fuzz they’d experienced in their respective HYDRA and KGB years, but rather something new they’d created that blended that time with the new self they’d created. You can’t bleed out the bloodlust, though. That’s what makes them valuable. They don’t need something “inspiring” for them to fight like they’re actually Avenging something, you’ll just never hear them say they enjoy it. Just a bit. 

They were in the locker room together. Jessica sitting on the bench trying to get her socks on before her body gave into the exhaustion and bone crushing embarrassment. Bucky walked out in his clean clothes as if he didn’t towel off after he turned the shower off. He wasn’t even wearing socks. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” He sounded annoyed. More annoyed than he wanted to come off. 

And of course, that spurred her on.

“Then don’t walk out like a freak.” 

Bucky walked closer to her, droplets of water hitting his collar and chest. Jessica stood up, not wanting it to fall on her when he leaned over. They stood nearly chest to chest. It took everything in him not to touch her. To beg like he would Natasha. He didn’t feel half as much of that need for Jessica, though. He just realized that all he knows how to do is beg, not apologize. Not to make things better in a long-term way. 

“What?” Jessica snapped.

“It wasn’t…”

“No. You’re right.” She nodded when he couldn't figure out how to tell her that it wasn’t a serious thing. That they were essentially using each other. That whatever fun they were feeling was morally wrong. That Steve Rogers didn’t approve, so they should never speak to each other again. “I’m glad we agree and I’d like to never think about it again.”

“I would too.” He scoffed. 

Her brow twitches like she’s going to call his bluff and he’s angry when she spares him her rage. Her justified rage. 

“Say it.” He gritted out.

Jessica’s eyes were wide for a moment. It would be easier to shoot him, she thought. 

“Goddammit, Jessica. Just fucking say it.” He rasped out, groaning as he pleaded.

“It was never about you, anyway.” Her tone was so empty that anyone could’ve said it. “But you can’t say the same, can you?”

Bucky’s lip curls. She was right. He wanted her to get off thinking about other men. He couldn’t get off to her and she couldn’t get off to him if they weren’t thinking of other people. But he wanted to. More than she did, he wanted to come for her. 

“When you go back to her–”

“Don’t.” He whispered. He wanted to be louder, really. But he couldn’t. 

Jessica let the words die in her throat. It wasn’t worth it, was it? 

It takes a month for them to stop thinking about each other and for their practice of ignoring each other to become true once more. Jessica knows the world has restored itself when Clint comes back to her, wanting to spend time with her again. Spending time with Clint is sitting on a couch drinking beer and watching movies and then giving him either the worst blow job of his life or riding him while he continues watching TV. It feels like a mental vacation for Jessica. In its own way, it's still enjoyable. 

She’s shopping with Carol when Carol notices a hickey. 

“Oh, gross. You’re like, way too fucking old for hickies.” She grimaces.

“Clint’s not.” 

“Yes, he is.” Carol scoffs. “Clint is pushing 40.”

Jessica sighs out and nods, accepting that as truth. It’s hard for her to keep everyone’s ages straight when she’s known them for so long. Clint was in his early 20s when she met him. He called her a cougar even though she only looked like she could be a few years older. 

“Don’t you ever want to, I don’t know… be with someone you actually like? Someone that makes you… happy? Like really happy. Like you love them and you wake up every morning and there’s no games and there’s no insecurities.”

“First of all, I will always be insecure. It’s in my nature.” Jessica argued.

“Oh, yeah? What’s your second thing?” Carol tilts her head, attitude leaking into her tone cruelly.

Jessica glared at her a little. “That I’m just not that kind of girl.”

Carol drops it. There’s no gentle words or a hug. It’s just that they see some dude slip on a noodle in the food court and dump pizza all over himself. It makes them laugh and once again, balance is restored in the world and they’re just fine and dandy once more. 

As soon as Carol gets back to the mansion, she bangs her fist on Steve’s door. He opens after a few minutes of her knocking consecutively. 

He sighs out and looks up at the ceiling. “How’d I know you’d come here?”

Carol walks in and slams the door shut.

“Don’t do that. Don’t draw attenti–”

“You fucked it up!” She hisses.

Steve looks away, leaning against his kitchenette counter. “I had her best interests in mind.”

“You are such a jerk!” Carol kicks a shoe at him. 

He narrowly dodges it. His lips press together tightly, fighting back something he doesn’t mean. He sees the concern in Carol’s eyes. 

“Clint and Nat were a ticking time bomb, always are. Always will be unless Clint or Bucky manage to not screw things up with her. It’s her I’m thinking about, too. Jessica… Jessica never should’ve been involved in their shit.” Steve says it calmly, like he’s right. Is he?

“She already was.” Carol laughed bitterly. 

“But she was never involved with Bucky. That is the difference.” Steve leans forward, arms crossed against his chest. 

Carol understands. But it still scratches at her. “It wasn’t your affair to ruin.”

“Was it an affair? From what I heard–”

“He told you?” She roars.

Steve lets out a little laugh. “No. I heard.”

His face then turns sour. It was mortifying to hear and sure, it was wrong for Steve to have stood there so long. To hear Bucky walking her through it, that they weren’t just making love. Steve should’ve knocked sooner. He should’ve just called. Instead, he learned that Bucky couldn’t get Spider-Woman to orgasm. 

And he had no one to tell. He’d die before telling Sharon. 

“How much did you hear?” Carol says in a low tone.

Steve looks at her and grimaces. Carol steps forward. 

“I’m not gossiping… but…”

“This isn’t my kind of thing. Bucky is my friend. I respect Jessica too much to chat about how Bucky couldn’t…” 

Carol clutches her chest, bending over with a gasp. “I know! Isn’t that just–”

“I’m not doing this!” Steve’s voice is an octave higher than usual. “This is… disgusting.”

Carol rolls her eyes. “You’re the only other person that knows.”

“They’ve moved on. He’s back with Natasha.”

Carol can hear in Steve’s voice that it bothers him. It’s not like he can tell Bucky one more time that it’s not worth it or that he needs to leave Natasha alone. He certainly won’t tell Natasha to stop going to Bucky. He understands they have a connection, just like Jessica does. 

But when Steve sees Natasha smiling at Bucky with love in her eyes again, Steve thinks about Jessica’s shirt on the floor and the pink in Bucky’s cheeks. He remembers a meeting where he heard Bucky laugh hard– a genuine laugh Steve hadn’t heard in years– thanks to Jess. 

Carol was right. Steve fucked up. There was no more pretending he’d done them a favor. That he spared them something worse. 

Bucky was happy to be back in Natasha’s bed. He missed holding her tight, using her chest like a pillow, kissing her and saying Oh my god, I love you. Oh my god. He liked how she’d laugh at him until it made her kiss him and kiss him and kiss him until he could finally get a hold of the situation and…

He was between her legs for a half hour when he tugged his hair three times. That was the usual, enough! they’d established over the course of however many years they’d actually been together when you did the math right. 

“It’s okay.” She looked at him. “I can do it.”

Bucky gawked at her. He didn’t want her to finish herself off. He didn’t want her to do anything but see stars and tell him she loved him. Even when he told her he loved her and missed her, she told him it was too early. Bucky accepted that and waited. It was hard though. He always said it, always said it after she came. He would’ve accused her of not coming on purpose so he didn’t say it, but that is a Clint move and not a Bucky move. 

Natasha wasn’t bitter about it. She didn’t mind getting herself off in front of him. It was just that he’d leave when she did it. 

“Stay…” She whispered. “Don’t… just leave.” 

He blinked and stayed still, watching her face. Not her hands. Not the way they moved. When she tried to get closer to him, to make him feel included, he thought about Jessica and went to bed after kissing Natasha’s temple. He didn’t register her coming, but he knew she had because she was so warm. That warmth he craved every time she left or he left, that warmth he worked to create, was something he couldn’t make himself anymore. 

Meanwhile, Jessica was surprised to discover that Clint relearned how to eat pussy. She was actually delighted. 

“Only one of us can be bad at giving head,” He joked. 

That crooked smile of his made her heart melt. He looked so goofy. Stubbly and stoned, his face smelling like pussy because he just never bothered washing his face after. 

“Why would I do that? Not enjoy the spoils of my victory? Are you insane?” He teased, getting in her face. “Are you nuts? Do you not know how much I enjoy that?”

She laughed and pushed his face away. “At least do it before you go on patrol.”

“No.” Clint kissed her with too much tongue to tease her.

Lucky for him, she didn’t mind that. He picked her up and carried her all the way down the hall and to the elevator and in the elevator. He only stopped when they got to the locker room. 

“Don’t get the shit kicked out of you too hard, alright?” Jessica whispered in his ear. 

Clint half-smiled at her, unable to look at her. He was too busy looking at his own personal sleep paralysis demon. 

Patrol is silent. They sit on the ledge of a building together. Clint kicks his legs until Bucky tells him to stop, because it was freaking him out.

“I’m not going to fall.”

“And you’ll annoy me enough to push you if you keep going.” 

A high pitch frequency rings in their ears. Clint groans louder than Bucky.

“Be nice to each other.” Sam threatens. “Or I’m coming over.”

“Please do. I wouldn’t mind some back up.” Clint mumbles. 

Sam went silent. Clint gave up on his dream of someone throwing him a bone and taking him off patrol with Bucky. Sam was a dick setting them up together. It was too soon. Sam thought it was funny, though. He liked doing this. Mostly because there were times that Bucky and Clint did get along. It would be when one or the other had been with Nat long enough that there wasn’t any resentment, but just plain dude-understanding. Sam, and everyone else, preferred that. 

However, there’s not a chance in hell there will be any understanding tonight.

“You think I’m really going to push you off the building? Why would I?” Bucky asks loudly. “What reason do I have?”

“I don’t know… residual anger?”

“From what?” Bucky laughs. “From you dating my girlfriend after I broke up with her? Why would that make me angry? It was fair.”

Bucky loves doing this. He’s a prick in that way. It’s fun for him. 

Clint stands up on the roof, getting away from the ledge because he’s over thinking shit. Bucky does the same, just to pester him.

“I don’t want to be in the same building as you.” Clint whines.

“Then jump.” Bucky smirks.

Clint scoffs, “No.”

He sounds like a child. So does Bucky.

“Pussy.”

Clint stares at him and moves closer. “You seem really bitter lately for someone who got what they wanted.”

Bucky blinks. “Am I?”

Clint nods. “You’re keeping to yourself again and I know why.”

Bucky grins a little. “Ooh, please tell me.”

Clint leans in closer like he’s trying to prove something. Bucky freezes. 

“You tried to fuck Jessica.” 

Bucky tenses his jaw. Clint winces at the confirmation. 

“Why her?” 

“What are you talking about?” Bucky asks quietly. “You dumped her. In fact, you cheat–”

“I didn’t cheat. We aren’t… she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just together. It’s nonmonogamous.”

Bucky wants to punch him. He wants to kick him. He wants to make him hurt so badly that he can’t fuck Jessica tonight. 

“Stupid fucking arrangement.” Bucky mutters.

Clint chuckles, “Do you really think you’re not included in that?”

Bucky feels his stomach churn. “What?”

“Forget about it. I’m sorry Jessica didn’t fuck you. Be glad you didn’t get the chance.”

It comes out harsher than he means for it to be. Bucky flinches at it.

“I didn’t…” Clint says quietly. “Obviously I like having sex with Jes– I love her.”

Bucky feels cold. His veins freeze over. 

“That’s not love.”

“She’s like, my best friend.”

He shakes his head. “Carol is her best friend.”

“And Jessica is my best friend. Not everything has to be even like that. I can live with that.”

“You have low standards of living and I think that’s what I hate the most about you. You live every day like it doesn’t matter and you land on your ass every fucking time you fuck up. It’s not because you’re clever, it’s not because you’re lucky, it’s because you have women that pick you up and dust you off, and you never say thank you. Do you?”

“That’s what the sex is for.” Clint says it so bluntly that he completely understands why Bucky punches him.

He punches Clint at least five times. It’s a broken nose and busted lip. A tooth is loose but it was loose before that too. Clint chooses not to bring it up so as to not make things worse.

Bucky gets what he wants though. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jessica whispers.

Bucky’s knuckles are busted up a bit. He’s used to that. They heal. 

“Answer me.” She says louder, like she found her voice.

He looks at her and shrugs. “He deserved it.”

“Steve’s going to kick you off the team again.”

“Oh, I’d love that.”

Jessica looks away from him. Bucky thinks she looks beautiful at that moment. She’s wearing a baggy shirt and some sweatpants that must be Clint’s. Hell, the shirt probably is too. He moves closer to her and chews on his lip til skin peels off.

“He figured it out.” Bucky tells her quietly. “That I tried really hard.”

“Really hard? I remember it being–”

“I would’ve gotten you there if I had more time.” He tells her. “And if I made you come that day, I’d be able to make Natalia come and I wouldn’t have hit Clint.”

Jessica’s eyes are wide. “Jesus Christ, you’re a fucking moron.”

“I know!” He whisper-yells. 

He grabs her arms gently, rubbing them out of habit. She grimaces at it but doesn’t tell him to stop. She would if she wanted him to. He knows that. He loves that she doesn’t stop him. It feels like drinking water after being parched. 

“You can’t get Nat off?” She whispers.

He shakes his head. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Is it her?”

“No. She can do it just fine. As far as I know. I can’t watch.”

He doesn’t have to tell her for her to know why he can’t watch his girlfriend come by herself. 

“I really don’t like you. Who you are… as a person.” Jessica tells him quietly.

Bucky stares at her, waiting for her to take it back or to laugh or to show him she doesn’t mean it. He pulls her closer and shakes his head. 

“Don’t say that.” He almost whimpers. 

Jessica pulls back then. 

“Don’t blame me because you can’t get her off. You’ve been doing it since the Cold War. Figure it out.” Jessica snaps. 

Bucky shakes his head. “It’s not about that.”

“What?”

“I like you.” He tells her. “I forgot that I did.”

“It must not be a whole lot if you forgot.” She tells him. 

He nods and hangs his head. He feels that embarrassment again. That he was caught once and he’s been caught again and he feels ashamed that he touched her when he really liked it. It was getting caught that he didn’t like. It was the idea of Natasha finding out that he didn’t like. 

It was her not giving a shit that he feared. 

Jessica put her hand on his shoulder. “What did you want from me?”

He doesn’t know. Apart from sex, not even real sex, but just… no. He doesn’t know. He says something anyway, just to give her something. 

“I wanted something without complications. Something… nonmonogamous.”

She rolls her eyes. “You know that’s bullshit?” 

He nods. “Yeah, I know. It’s just what Clint told me. That you two are…”

Jessica doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t frown or yell. 

“Yeah,” She sighs. “That we are. It doesn’t feel like it when I’m…”

“Say it.”

“And get you hard?” She asks cruelly. 

Bucky nods. “Habit.”

“We didn’t fuck around long enough for it to be a habit.” She scoffs. 

“I form habits a lot easier then, I suppose.” He’s annoyed now. “I saw him kissing you in the elevator.”

“Did that turn you on?” She’s mocking him. She’s being bitchy so he leaves her alone.

He looks at her the way he looked at Clint when he stood in the corner of the locker room, catching the two of them kissing. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her smile. She didn’t even know it was Bucky. She didn’t care. She was literally wrapped up in Clint. He looks at her like he’s heartbroken. 

“No,” He breathes out. “It just made me… wish I…”

She starts to walk away. He spits it out before she’s left the room.

“Wish I would’ve found you. That we would’ve stormed the right facility and found you in there. Pulled you out of stasis like I did on the Skrull ship. Or that I… I’d at least get to take you out of there and give you a real fucking life.”

She turns around slowly. “What the fuck does that mean?”

He rubs his face. “Uh… that I… I would’ve taken you home as a spoil of war and knocked you up and… no, marry you first. Then the babies.”

Jessica is silent. 

“And what makes you think I’d want you back then?” She whispers. 

Bucky moves closer. “Because he was nicer. He was better with girls. He was really–”

“It was you.” Jessica whispers. “You were like that.”

“And sometimes he comes back out to play, but only around you. Sometimes Steve. But I’d give anything to be… twenty again. To be at the barrel of your stupid fucking Walther and either get taken out or convince you that I’m better than HYDRA.” He smiles bitterly. “And even then I wasn’t, I mean… not by much. I was just…”

He closes his eyes. “Oh my god, I was like Clint.”

Jessica looks at him and softens a bit. She pats his arm in a way that’s supposed to be comforting. Instead it feels like she’s mocking him. 

“Please kiss me.” 

Jessica shakes her head. Bucky nods and breathes out. 

“Can I kiss you then?”

Jessica blinks. 

“It’s nonmonogamous…” His voice is gravelly. “That means… you can have me too.”

“You and Natasha aren’t.”

Bucky looks up at her and smiles. “I’d rather be some new aged freak than a cuck, wouldn’t I?”

Jessica wrinkles her nose and sighs. “Let me ask Carol.”

“What?”

Jessica explains that she needs to run it by Carol before giving into that. Bucky tells her that’s stupid and that she should just kiss him if she wants to and not worry what anyone thinks. Jessica reminds him that worrying what people think is what got them to ignore each other until he beat her boyfriend up. Bucky says Clint isn’t her boyfriend and that he liked hitting Clint while thinking about how much he enjoyed being around Jessica and how much he loves Natasha.

“Just be my friend then.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “No.”

Jessica kisses him then. “I don’t want to be friends either.”

He hums and pulls her closer against him. He breathes hard into her mouth in a way that she doesn’t care for but doesn’t protest. She backs him against the wall and kisses him roughly, biting and sucking until he moans.

“Jesus Christ.” He groans. 

She pulls back. His eyes widen.

“I didn’t say stop.” 

Jessica hesitates before kissing him again, this time kissing his neck. His hands grip her ass to keep her close. 

“Tell me you love me.” He whispers.

“Oh, god. No.” She whispers back. 

Bucky kisses her softer. “Baby, please.”

“You manipulative dick.” She grits out. 

He kisses her jaw. “No, I just like calling you that.”

She tenses up, trying to fight how good that feels. She’d hit Clint if he called her that. Tony once called her that as a joke and she laughed, but kicked him in the chest playfully but hard enough that he’d never do it again. 

“I don’t love you.” She says honestly. 

Bucky looks at her, holding her jaw. “Say that again for me.”

“I don’t love you.” She repeats. 

“Just the last part.” 

“Bucky.”

“I need to hear it. I need to hear it from you. I need… “ He breathes hard in a more brutal, crushing way. He thinks he’s going to cry. 

Jessica hugs him immediately. His face falls against her shoulder as he wraps his arms around her tightly. He bites back a whimper, just enjoying her comfort. Her real comfort.

“Why?” She asks. “Why me?”

He kisses her neck, mumbling. “I told you.”

“That’s… not enough.” She tells him quietly. 

He kisses his way to her lips. “Because it feels good.”

Jessica can feel how good it feels for him. He’s pressed against her. She wants to take his pants off. Tell him to jerk off in front of her. To get it out of his system. To stop crying over her and Natasha and just come in front of her. 

Instead, she kisses him again. He touches her boobs and groans when he feels her nipples harden. She shifts against him. 

“Lucky man, Murdock is.” He whispers.

“Dude,” she groans. 

He pulls back and smiles at her. She shakes her head and tries to pull back but forgets he has a grip on her nipples. So she moans loudly.

“Oh, fuck. I’m sorry.” He says it genuinely. 

She laughs and clings to him a little. He laughs too and closes his eyes tightly. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers in her ear. Even if she liked it, he felt bad.

She chuckles and kisses under his ear. “It’s okay… it’s… okay.”

Bucky looks at her with relief and gratitude. She bites her lip and touches his face gently. Her face falls. His does too. 

“This is not sustainable.” She mutters in defeat.

“No,” He mutters back. “But I’m not going to do the whole… whatever it’s called.”

“I don’t know either. There’s a few different names.”

“I can ask Kate.”

Bucky blinks a few times. “Be discreet about it.”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Of course I will.”

He nods. He laughs softly. 

"Oh no."