Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sunoo could feel his leg moving up and down repeatedly under the desk in a constant clatter, a habit he'd been acquiring over the past few months. If you looked to the side, empty bottles of cheap alcoholic beverages lay in a corner of his room, and if you looked down at his feet, you could see cigarette butts, proof of all the illicit habits he'd acquired.

Looking back at the desk, you could see stacks of papers in one corner, some wrinkled, some torn, and some with burnt bits. Sunoo didn't know exactly why he kept everything; perhaps it was some kind of punishment to surround himself with dirt and clutter. They say your room reflects your state of mind. Sunoo frowned at that sabotaging thought, his neck tensing. He resignedly dropped the pencil he was using to complete his report of an university assignment he'd been assigned with a sigh and closed his eyes in exasperation.

Sunoo is aware that he has to complete it eventually. He doesn't think he's a person who cares about his studies. He was, and perhaps that's why his classmate, Jay, with his kind, almost fatherly demeanor, had taken pity on him and offered to be his partner in group work. Despite the fact that they hadn't exchanged many words so far this semester, Sunoo was aware that his friends were whispering that he wasn't very stable and probably wasn't going to do his part.

The truth is, he can't be offended, since they're right. His studies became a fuzzy responsibility tucked away in some corner of his brain, under the heading "things I used to enjoy/do regularly and now I don't care about." With luck, he completed enough to pass the necessary subjects to move on to the next year. That was saying something, but he believed that somehow the teachers also took pity on his situation.

Sunoo lets out a wry laugh at his thoughts as he stands up from his chair. "Situation" is such a simple and basic way to describe the mental and physical hell he's been living through all these months.

As he heads toward the bathroom, stepping inside to look in the mirror, the reflection of his dull, lifeless brown eyes greets him, accompanied by a deep darkness beneath the aftermath of sleepless nights. Then he grimaces at his hair, not exactly because of the mess it was (when was the last time he cared about its maintenance?) but because of his blond roots, a sign that his black dye was fading.

It was always a problem to see himself with blond hair again; it's his natural color, and he knew that many people suffer and struggle with explaining to their hairdressers that they want the exact shade he inherited at birth. Sunoo, on the other hand, was escaping from this. Too many memories came with it, painful enough to make him want to erase any trace of the color so many people had praised around his life at just nineteen years old.

He already knew what this meant. He turned on his cell phone, which was in his pajama pockets, and saw the messages from many friends. He didn't even know if it was right to keep calling them that, not when he ignores them most of the time and rejects their attempts to get him to come out for some fresh air or enjoy himself, not when he let his sadness drive him away from them without making any effort to stop it. Sunoo is overcome with a bad feeling of invasiveness every time he uses that title with them.

He looked up "Jungwon" through his contacts. He was a hairdresser in his spare time while also studying, and he met him at one of those hangouts Sunoo used to attend when he was someone capable of being out there without collapsing. they became very good friends, along with other people Sunoo didn't want to remember. So, Jungwon knew what he used to be like and therefore knew the reasons why he had sunk into such depression. It was an open secret that his acquaintances, friends, his friends' acquaintances, and people he didn't even know who they were, did know. That's the problem with making public or overexpressing something that makes you happy: when it's gone, everyone will notice.

So, Sunoo texted Jungwon to ask if he would be available today. He dyed Sunoo's hair whenever he needed it and didn't charge him. They'd had a million arguments about this. The cat-eyed boy always shook his head, his long hair moving with his movements as he told him it wasn't necessary, and that he had to save the money for food and his studies, two things that were far down on his list of priorities.

The truth is that maybe it makes him a bad person to use the money Jungwon refuses to get drunk. He justifies himself by saying he's miserable, but that doesn't make him feel less bad and it doesnt make him feel that the guilt will go away (is there anything that will ever make the guilt go away?) After all, the money is sent by his parents, who live in another state. They supported him when he decided to study elsewhere because they saw him happy.

Sunoo wondered what they would think if they saw him like this. He didn't want to find out, and the constant fear that his mother might detect the lying tone through the phone always tugs at his stomach every time she calls and asks about his days. But he can't let her know that Sunoo is like this because she'll want to come and get him out, and he can't go anywhere else.

Wait, he has to wait, that's all he has left. He has to wait, and in the meantime, bite his nails until he's exhausted, shower as often as he can to get rid of the feeling of feeling dirty, do everything that he isn't meant to get his attention, but perhaps he's becoming his farce. Or so Sunoo thinks. He likes to blame him until he's exhausted, even though he's the one who chooses how to handle his emotions.

No, Sunoo shakes his head, aware that he can't go down that line of thought, not today, not today when he'd finally mustered the strength to start working on a college project, not today when he was going out into the world to meet a... friend? A good acquaintance? What do you call people who are kind and friendly to you more out of pity than anything else?

That's cruel, Sunoo thinks again. Thinking about Jungwon's acts of kindness and minimizing them with "he does it out of pity" is cruel, but a lot of things he's thinking lately are cruel.

----> — hiiii my sunoo! It's so nice getting a text from you. I'm free, I'm always free for you ;) Stop by in an hour!

He smiled slightly at the message and replied with an okay. An hour might not be enough to fix his visual impairment, but he can do something.

No one would believe that Kim Sunoo, of all people, would stop caring about his appearance. It's not that he was a superficial person; he just loved dressing up, putting on makeup, decorating himself, and taking care of himself. Now all his skincare products were expiring, and his makeup lay forgotten in some corner of his room.

He walked out of the bathroom to his closet and opened it, revealing his few clothes. There used to be many, many more, but he'd thrown most of them away or burned others, like his blonde hair. They held so many memories.

There was a time when he still let his friends visit him. They'd have arguments, with them yelling that he couldn't destroy his own belongings just because they reminded him of things, that there was no need, that there were other ways, but he was too angry to care what they had to say about his self-destructive acts, or his clothes-destroying actions, more specifically.

With a sigh, he grabbed a dull brown coat, and after putting on his boots, he put it in a mini ponytail since his hair was long enough for that. The hair took the longest. It was very untangled, and as he ran the comb through it, I felt like it was going to be bald because the hairs were being pulled out with the force of his strokes, aware that he was doing it on purpose to feel physical pain.

He grabbed his bag to put his wallet in it, and then grimaced when he saw that inside there were cigarette butts and papers, napkins, dirt. He shook it on the floor of his room and told himself he'd clean up when he got back. He grabs his phone and leaves the apartment.

The air hits his face instantly; it's not that cold, just fresh. Then he sighs and convinces himself that he can do it. He can go and dye his hair like a normal person, he can do everyday activities without any problems.

He walks a few blocks with his shoulders hunched as if hiding something, his steps a little unsteady as he looks at the ground and hurries. If he never checks the streets when crossing, that's his problem.

As he enters Jungwon's hair salon, he's greeted by the smell of freshly baked cookies, soothing instrumental music, and two dimples that instantly warm his heart.

"Sunoo!" He greets him cheerfully. He's already dressed in his light blue apron, and the dye mixes are already prepared.

"Jungwon," Sunoo replied softly, noticing the other's internal struggle of not knowing whether to hug him or not, he approached and opened his arms. Jungwon had never looked happier than in that moment, almost tripping over the swivel chairs to run and hug his friend. Jungwon wasn't small, in fact, he had become very muscular these last few months, which is why hugging Sunoo and feeling him so small and fragile made him want to cry. And Sunoo, who hadn't received a hug in a long time, also felt that same urge, leaning back on his friend and letting himself be hugged.

"Sunoo-yaah, you're so thin!" He whimpered a little. Seeing his friend so expressive and full of life made Sunoo ignore his comment "Luckily, i made you some cookies," Jungwon informed him instantly, pulling him to make him sit down onto the swivel chair and bringing the cookies closer.

Sunoo felt nauseous at the prospect of eating something solid so early, even though it was already five in the afternoon. Still, seeing Jungwon's bright gaze, he couldn't deny them so he nodded, not grabbing any yet.

Just as Jungwon was starting to prepare and mix the black dye, the sound of the door opening made them both turn their heads. A tall, blond-haired figure instantly appeared, his expression disinterested.

"Ah, Ni-ki! I told you I was going to be closed today!" Jungwon complained automatically in his bossy and accusatory tone, indignantly leaving the mix of dye on a side and crossing his arms, approaching to lightly punch him in the chest. The boy continued with his disinterested look, still seemingly unaware of Sunoo.

"But i saw you inside."

"But i told you it would be closed today!"

"But it's not closed."

"But i wasn't going to get any clients today!"

Ni-ki looked at him, then pointed at Sunoo, who automatically looked at the floor, uncertain. The boy looked very handsome, straight out of a magazine. He had these unique features and generally looked like someone from a movie or something. He made Sunoo feel self-conscious about his own appearance, with his roots and opaque clothes. Before, showing off was his favorite thing to do, but it was quickly ruined by him... he would be happy to see him like this, right? Going unnoticed, looking awful in front of pretty boys, he couldn't accuse him of being an attention whore if he saw him now. he'd be proud of him, right?

"Sunoo?" He heard Jungwon calling him with a worried look. When he looked up, he found him standing right in front of him. "Im sorry, really, this is Ni-ki." He spoke in a low voice, apparently so the other boy wouldn't hear. "He's my cousin. He came with his family from Japan a few days ago. He doesn't know anyone, and, well, I'm the only one close to his age from our family, so when he's not doing paperwork with his parents, he's with me." Jungwon didn't seem particularly bothered by that, but rather by the fact that he was here now.

Sunoo now felt embarrassed for other reasons. Obviously, the boy had every right to be with his cousin, but thanks to Sunoo having anxiety attacks from being around too many new people in the past, that's probably why Jungwon wanted to close the place and have him alone. It was such a kind and considerate gesture. He didn't deserve such kindness. Again, he realized that it was taking him so long to respond. He shouldn't have come. He could have easily dyed his hair at home.

"It's okay," he replied in something that sounded a little too high-pitched. "I don't mind. This is your space, it's fine," he continued assuring him in a more confident voice, nodding his head. Jungwon grimaced and turned to look at the tall boy who now had a name.

"Don't bother him," Jungwon told him. The boy took this as a sign to do the exact opposite, apparently. While Jungwon turned to continue mixing the dye, Ni-ki grabbed a swivel chair that was near and rolled over to Sunoo.

"Hi," he said. It was a little comical how he was so gigantic he barely fit in the chair. He looked at Sunoo intensely, as if analyzing him, which only made Sunoo even more hyperaware of himself.

"Hi," he replied simply, a murmur he wasn't sure the other heard, but apparently he did, because he kept talking.

"You know, my hair is black, but i like to dye it blonde."

"Oh, uhm, okay."

"I'm Ni-ki Nishimura, what's your name?"

Sunoo didn't want to meet new people. It didn't make sense, but he assumed he wouldn't see the boy again for a while, or maybe ever. He decided he'd buy a box of hair dye and start dyeing himself. So he continued to answer in the same slightly low tone. He got used to keeping his voice down. Or maybe it was because he didn't want anyone to really notice him.

"Sunoo, Kim Sunoo."

"Sunoo hyung, do you want to be my friend?"

Before Sunoo could even process that sudden question, Jungwon intervened, now parting Sunoo's hair softly.

"No, he doesn't want to be your friend. Sunoo is my friend. Get your own."

"But hyuuuuung, I don't have any friends here." Ni-ki was now spinning around in his chair with a pout. he stayed that way, twirling around aaaall of the room until he was back next to Sunoo, now watching his roots being covered by black.

"Why do you dye your hair if it is such a pretty color?"

"It's..." Sunoo hurried to answer. If Jungwon continued to answer for him, the Japanese boy would probably think he had some problem with speaking too, he kinda had it though. "It's a personal thing."

"I dye my hair because according to a colorimetry analysis i made at my hometown, blonde looked better on me." Jungwon snorted in amusement at that as he continued to cover the roots up little by little. It was a little comical, yes. Sunoo wanted to laugh too, but mostly because the boy seemed to talk so much in an almost childish way, but at the same time, his face remained serious and his voice too deep. Sunoo simply stared straight ahead, not daring to meet eyes. The boy was very... intense in every way. "the women who did that were right. I think your natural blonde would look better on you too, although black looks good on you too. It brings out your rosy cheeks. I really like your eyes. Have you ever tried eyeliner?"

Yes, yes, he did.

"No, I never tried."

Jungwon didn't mention anything about it.

"You should. i have plenty of eyeliners of many colors. I can teach you if you want."

"I told you not to steal my friends," Jungwon repeated, now protecting Sunoo's hair. He set his timer for thirty minutes. Taking off his gloves, he brought his cookies to both boys. One ate desperately fast, while the other calculated each bite. Well, that would shut Ni-ki up for a while, the hairdresser guessed.

Jungwon guessed wrong, because as soon as he went to wash everything he used, Ni-ki hurriedly swallowed the crumbs and spoke again.

"You really don't want to be my friend?"

Oh, well, maybe he would had wanted Jungwon to answer that, what was he supposed to say? He felt a little sorry for Ni-ki. He was like a big kitten begging crumbs on the street. Yes, exactly that. He vaguely remembered there was an internet meme like that.

The boy really seemed desperate to make friends, but sadly, Sunoo wasn't someone who deserved to have friends right now. In the first place, he didn't understand why someone like him wanted to be his friend. If he had known him before, he would have understood. Everyone wanted to be Kim Sunoo's friend, but now? No.

"It's not that, it's just..."

"Is it because of my accent? You think it's weird?"

"What? No, who told you that?"

"Oh, some workers the other day when i went shopping. I'm still learning," he admitted, scratching his hair, looking embarrassed.

"No, your accent is fine." In fact, he was surprised by how well he spoke in the first place. The one who said that was an idiot.

"So?" He pouted. "It's because I'm younger than Jungwon Hyung and you? I assure you, I'm very mature! im only two years younger."

Aw, this kid was cute; he'd definitely lost all that intimidating aura.

Before Sunoo could respond again by refusing, Jungwon reappeared, this time with his cell phone in hand.

"Ni-ki, your parents told me to go home now; they need you to move some furniture," Jungwon informed him. Ni-ki rolled his eyes with a sigh, getting up from his chair and returning to his unnecessarily gigantic stature.

"Tell them I'm coming," he said in a petulant tone. Yes, very mature, Sunoo thought. Ni-ki turned his gaze to him. "I'll tell Jungwon Hyung to give you my number."

After that, Jungwon hurried him out the door, and when he finally left, he let out a sigh.

"Sorry about that, Sunoo."

"Well... he was a kinda endearing."

Jungwon chuckled and sat down where Ni-ki was, next to Sunoo.

"He is. A lot of people don't approach him because, well, you saw, he's intimidating." Sunoo nodded at that. "But he's actually lonely. He's just seventeen and was taken from his hometown, leaving his life there behind, and now he has to adapt again." He sighed at that.

"It must be hard."

"Yeah, but still, he's never been that intrusive with anyone I introduced him to until now. I think he likes you."

Sunoo let out a wry laugh at that and murmured, playing with her fingers as he answered.

"I barely spoke to him."

"Anyone, just by looking at you, would like you."

Sunoo fell silent at that and simply continued playing with his fingers, now with his gaze lowered. He didn't believe a single word Jungwon was saying. He knew he probably looked bad. His clothes were horrible, his cheeks sunken in places they shouldn't be, his overall aura was pathetic, and he knew it.

"Really, Sunoo..." Jungwon seemed very conflicted about whether or not to say the next words. "We all miss you, you know? Movie nights aren't the same without you insisting on watching dramas." He tried to joke, but Sunoo remained silent, tensing even more. "Maybe, if you're free, this weekend..."

"No," Sunoo said.

"But-"

"No, Jungwon, no... I can't do it." Suddenly, Sunoo was holding back tears. God, how long until the color gets into his scalp completely? "I have... he... he could come back at any moment, you know?"

Jungwon's heart broke at that.

He knew he was referring to Heeseung hyung. Even thinking about him made his blood boil. All his early memories with his friend were with him by his side. At first, he thought they were cute, everyone did, but as he got closer to Sunoo, he noticed many things. Sunghoon and Jake, who were also close to Sunoo, did so too.

Everyone agreed that Heeseung made Sunoo's spark fade little by little. He was a bright, vibrant, and bouncing person, but then he became an accessory, something attached to someone else's hip and held there.

It wasn't just that; there were countless times when Sunoo had marks or bruises all over him, and he excused himself by saying he was clumsy. He was never clumsy. Or when he slowly stopped dressing the way he wanted, his skirts replaced with baggy jeans and his body-hugging t-shirts with oversized ones. At least he still tried to have his own style, but even so, the change was evident.

Slowly, he faded, gradually changing for Heeseung, seeking approval in those Bambi eyes that gave you a fake feeling of security more and more, and Jungwon will always feel guilty for not having been able to save him, because Heeseung decided from one day to the next that he no longer wanted Sunoo. After months and months of molding him to his liking, he simply didn't love him anymore.

It was a scandal, truly a scandal.

Like, Sunoo making a scene in the middle of the university hallway, begging him not to leave him, getting on his knees and pleading. Everyone saw it. What angered the group of boys the most was that they all acted as if Sunoo was the crazy one, that he was overreacting, that he was crazy for reacting that way and embarrassing Heeseung. And Heeseung followed that narrative, humiliating the boy even more, telling everyone how Sunoo filled his cell phone with voicenotes crying or pleading messages, showing the call log that started at one in the morning and ended at five.

That's how Sunoo stopped showing up everywhere. The boys took turns visiting him. It was heartbreaking to see how all he wanted was the other boy's presence. He needed him to live. That was the only thing he kept repeating between sobs.

Heeseung ended up changing careers, and that only plunged Sunoo deeper into depression. He no longer had a way to see him, no way to contact him. Stalking him on social media was the only option, but he was too scared and he was also blocked, so he decided to stay and wait for the other to reach out to him, and that wasn't going to happen.

But if he kept insisting, Sunoo was capable of leaving right now, and he didn't want that. He simply sighed and got up from his seat, leading Sunoo to wash his now completely black hair. They proceeded in silence until they were at the door, about to say goodbye. The awkward silence was truly painful for both of them.

"We really miss you," Jungwon repeated, a last hope. Sunoo looked at him.

"The only way I'll be who you miss again is.. being with him," he murmured, giving him one last look before turning and leaving.

Jungwon couldn't disagree more. The real Sunoo showed in all those small moments where Heeseung's presence was nowhere to be found. It was there that his smile reached his eyes, and his laughter, along with his flips in the air, were genuine.

But he couldn't make him see that, he realized, watching his friend's shadow grow farther and farther away from him.

Sunoo's phone buzzed twice as he finished the first bottle he planned to drink that night. When he got drunk, he remembered all those times he'd done it with Heeseung by his side. He'd always told Sunoo he liked him better that way, when his brain didn't make sense and he could do whatever he wanted to him while his body went limp. Sunoo thought it was romantic.

His phone buzzed once more, and he decided to check. It was weird; he had everyone on mute.

----> — HIIIIIIIII, Sunoo hyung, I'm Ni-ki, Jungwon's cousin, we met at the salon today.

----> — you remember me, right?

----> — hyungggg

Oh, the boy from today.

----> — Jungwon gave you my number?" Was all he wrote; it sounded a little rude.

----> — after helping my parents, I went back to the salon, thinking you'd still be there, but you already left, so I begged Jungwon hyung.

----> — but he said no many times."

----> — but I waited for him to go to the bathroom to check his contacts.

---->— his password is really easy, you know? It's 12345.

Sunoo snorted amusedly at that, this kid...

----> — Oh, I see.

----> yes, yes.

>>>>— Sooo, when are we going to meet?!

Sunooo frowned at that. Did he read that right? The screen was a little blurry anyway.

>>>>— um, I'm kinda busy."

>>>>— :(

>>>>— Is it because I ate more cookies than you today, even though they were for you?

Sunoo, above all predictions, giggled again at that.

>>>— No, it's not that."

>>>>— T___T"

>>>> — pleaseee hyung, Jungwon is tired of me!!"

>>>> — and he said you're very nice!!"

>>>> — can we maybe go to the park tomorrow? It's Saturday, so I bet you don't have uni!

>>>> — i do not."

Sunoo didn't know why he answered that instead of saying he was busy anyway. He blamed it on his brain being too dizzy to reply or type more text.

>>>> — then, tomorrow! In the park near the rose garden, I discovered that place yesterday, and it's so cool. I can bring something to drink, and... well, I don't know how to cook, but I can buy some cookies!

>>> — you won't say no to cookies and something to drink, right?

Sunoo wanted to keep drinking and knew he couldn't do it with a clear conscience if he ignored the boy or denied his request. One meeting, and he'd realize Sunoo wasn't worth it. one day with him, and he'd stop insisting.

>>>> — okay, sure.

>>>> — :D thank you, hyung! See you tomorrow!

Chapter Text

Sunoo woke up with a constant, throbbing pain in his head, feeling like his insides were going to spill out of his mouth and that every muscle in his body was on fire. These weren't unfamiliar sensations in his daily life, but even so, it seemed his body refused to get used to it.

It took him a good twenty minutes to even move after opening his eyes. He slowly sat up in bed, feeling all the bile rise in his mouth, but he didn't vomit. After another ten minutes, he was finally able to get up and go to the bathroom.

He brushed his teeth, gagging a lot. It was very difficult for Sunoo to vomit. He had tried, but nothing ever came out, so the only thing he had to live with in his extreme hangover was the constant retching that seemed to have no end.

Then, finally, he grabbed his phone. It was ten in the morning. He woke up early despite falling asleep at probably four AM. After unlocking his phone, he frowned at the messages that seemed to be coming from an unsaved number. After reading them all, he sighed as another headache crept into his head. He ran his hands over his face and tried not to feel too stressed about this.

Anxiety coursed through his body. Obviously, he could cancel, but he felt so guilty about the boy. Both yesterday and in the text messages, he'd seemed desperate to make friends, but Sunoo came to the same conclusion as when he was drunk: when Ni-ki met him, he would want to away from him... just like he did.

Him him, him, will he run into him if he goes out today? Will people tell him if they see Sunoo with someone else? What will he feel? What will happen? Another wave of gagging began to convulse Sunoo's body. He missed him so much. When he was still here, he used to stroke his back whenever this happened. Now, no one had pity of him. He was alone.

———————————————๑•̀_•̀) ̫ ─꒱

After exchanging more texts with an excited Ni-ki, arranging a time to meet up. For the first time in months, Sunoo worried about what he was going to wear to go somewhere. He surprised himself by taking out a lip balm and applying it, then fixing his hair, and then searching his closet for something that looked at least decent.

The voices of his friends echoed in his head, saying that if he didn't try, he'd never know if he could do it. And now, for a simple outing with a stranger, he was doing all of that. He felt a little guilty, but at the same time, he knew this would be a one-time thing, a little lie he could tell himself.

"If you can do this, it means you can do anything."

Yes, Sunoo could dress as pretty as he wanted, but nothing would change the fact that he would be waiting for him at the end of the day.

He forced himself to stop overanalyzing his own behavior and making everything in automatic. As he left his home, he walked to the park where he would meet the younger boy. It was a place far from his apartment. He could have chosen to take the bus, but walking and making his legs hurt was more appropriate in his head, a reminder that this wasn't something he should enjoy. He didn't deserve to meet anyone else, he didn't deserve anyone. That's what Heeseung always told him. Everything he said had been etched in his head like dirt he could never properly clean.

When he arrived at the park, all his muscles were tense. He'd shed a few tears, so now his face was probably swollen. It was pathetic, but Sunoo missed him so much, so much—

"Sunoo hyung!" A cheerful voice called, and when he looked up, there was Ni-ki, flashing that square smile and holding up his hand for him to notice. He was sitting on a blanket-like surface where a plate of cookies was placed, along with two bottles of what Sunoo assumed was juice.

Everything looked so innocent and sincere that Sunoo's heart warmed for a moment. Walking with unsteady steps, he approached and sat in front of the younger boy, who looked at him with the same smile while Sunoo took everything in and then gave him a toothless grin.

"Hello," he said simply.

"Hello! Did you see how beautiful the place is?" Sunoo hadn't even paid attention to it, but as he looked around, yes, it was very beautiful. It was spring, which meant flowers decorated the entire place: roses, lilies, poppies. Apparently, the park in general was specifically designed, and seeds had been planted to bloom at this time of year.

"Yes... it's very beautiful," Sunoo said, distracted by the abundance of colors. Then he looked at the boy again. He really was very handsome, and dressed very well.

"Thank you!"

Oh, had he said that out loud? His face turned red in an instant.

"You're cute" Ni-ki said. What?! This kid!

"I'm not cute. Respect your elders!" Sunoo replied, his brow rising and pointing at the boy who clearly didn't take him seriously.

"Whatever you say, look, look, try the cookies. Yeah, I know I said I didn't know how to make them, but Jungwon taught me, and with his help, I made them."

Sunoo pouted at that, grabbing the cookie and eating it heartily. He realized how empty his stomach was at that moment and instantly let out a savoring sound.

"It's really good." The younger boy's face lit up instantly, his big smile appearing again. He brought the plate closer to Sunoo.

"I'm glad. You're happier than yesterday, aren't you?"

Luckily, he had swallowed his cookie completely before hearing that, otherwise he would have choked.

"Has anyone they ever told you that you're very direct?" He said instead.

"A lot." He seemed proud. "Does it bother you?"

Sunoo thought for a moment. It wasn't that it bothered him; in fact, he didn't understand why, but it didn't bother him in the slightest. The blond boy In front of him, it was like a breath of fresh air, or maybe it was just spring messing with his head, but really, there was something about the boy in front of him that made him feel comfortable and safe. That insecurity of feeling lesser went away.

Could Sunoo allow himself to feel like that? Heeseung always made him feel lesser. He was smarter, he studied harder, he got better grades, he had to help him with everything, he was someone very capable of everything, and Sunoo was simply a useless piece of scenery. That's why he let him go so easily, because he was useless.

"You do that a lot too," Ni-ki told him.

"Huh?"

"Staying in your head a lot, but I'd like you to be here, present, and with me." Again, the younger boy surprised him with what he said. "I know we barely know each other, but i really mean it when i say i want us to be friends."

Sunoo stared at him again until he spoke. Out of nowhere, his throat felt sore. dry

"I'm...not in a good position to make friends."

"Why not?" You're here with me now."

"Well, yes, but... I'm not a very interesting person."

"I'll decide that, but first, we need to get to know each other," Ni-ki said, passing the juice bottle to Sunoo, realizing he needed it.

At first, Ni-ki was the one who talked and talked, telling about his life in Japan. Sunoo felt comfortable listening to him; it was a completely different life, a new person with new habits, customs he didn't know, and captivating mannerisms he noticed.

At one point, Sunoo leaned back on the tablecloth with his hands comfortably resting on his stomach, listening to an anecdote about how Ni-ki and his friends burned a tree once in their third year of high school. He couldn't help but laugh at how the other explained the situation in such a comical way.

"I like your laugh," Ni-ki said, to which Sunoo grabbed a piece of grass and threw it at him, his ears turning red.

"Hey! What was that? I told you i liked it!" Ni-ki laughed, covering herself when Sunoo didn't finish his attack of torn-up grass. "Is it because you turned all red? Ow, my eye!" Ni-ki said, laughing as dirt got into his eyes. Sunoo was laughing too. He hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

He hadn't felt so...childish in general in a lon time. He knew he was nineteen already and in no position to act anything that isn't mature, but he'd been with Heeseung since he was seventeen and the other twenty-three. He quickly had to adapt to looking older, to stop acting immature. He was always making comments about how he exaggerated his faces or movements to look pretty. So Sunoo had to learn to recognize what he meant by that (because he genuinely didn't understand) and change it. He also didn't like silly comments, even if they were jokes. He took them seriously and they left Sunoo feeling like an idiot and not wanting to talk anymore.

But here he was, laughing hysterically with Ni-ki as they threw grass at each other, and for a moment, when Ni-ki collapsed, feigning defeat with open hands. And looking at him with shining eyes, the loneliness he'd been feeling all this time dissipated.

———————————————๑•̀_•̀) ̫ ─꒱

Before nightfall, Ni-ki insisted on accompanying Sunoo, and that's what he did. Now they were both walking side by side toward the elder's house.

"I really enjoyed being with you," Ni-ki told him, and that was when Sunoo realized that an outing that was supposed to make Ni-ki realize all the flaws he had... apparently did the opposite.

"Me too," Sunoo replied, and he was sincere, because it had been a while since he'd laughed like that, it had been a while since he'd heard anyone speak to him so casually. Ni-ki didn't know his story, he couldn't judge him for being an attached and needy thing, he wouldn't look at him with disgust or shame, on the contrary, he looked at him with a smile on the few times Sunoo would point out things or express opinions.

And now he was giving him that smile too, when he said that.

"I'll be able to see you again, right?"

Ni-ki asked, as they had finally reached the front door to go up to his apartment.

"I'm... busy with college lately," Sunoo chose to say carefully, because he didn't know if he could.

He couldn't allow himself to cling to this sudden surge of serotonin so carelessly.

He couldn't allow himself to think that anyone other than Heeseung could give him peace. That was something he repeated to Sunoo a lot, and it stuck with him.

Ni-ki grimaced at that. Sunoo felt guilty.

"I understand, but like.. i don't know, I can keep you company. I have homework to do too..."

The boy was persistent.

Even though all his friends talked to Sunoo, they simply took turns trying twice each. None of them went beyond that. It was enough for Sunoo to make one or two excuses, or send a single angry text to be left alone.

He had never realized until now how much he'd been wanting someone to persist.

Maybe it was the hours of laughing, or that he could still smell the flowers on his clothes, or that his belly was full, or the sharp but gentle gaze of the boy in front of him, but something led him to say:

"Yeah, maybe you could do that."

—————————————๑•̀\♡/•̀) ̫ ─꒱
That's how, two days later, true to his word, Ni-ki asked early in the morning if he could go to his apartment after school, and Sunoo discovered his poor ability to say no to the boy.

But that meant only one thing: he had to clean up all the mess he'd had months ago. So he decided that instead of going to school, he would clean the apartmenr deciding to start in the morning because he knew he'd have a lot to do.

And Sunoo knew himself well, and one habit Heeseung could never change was that he was a crybaby. So, every ten things he put away, he would take a few minutes to sit and cry, because he realized how much he had let himself go, how disgusting it was to see the cobwebs on his ceiling, the bugs coming out of the corners when he swept his broom, or the dampness in his rarely used kitchen. It disgusted him in a way he couldn't explain.

Heeseung was always so clean and tidy, so organized with his things and his general personality. He always had to remind Sunoo of the things he had to do, and when he left, he no longer had anyone to remind him, so he simply stopped doing them.

He spent his entire morning like that, crying, remembering, and lamenting, but by the afternoon... His house was in the right condition to welcome someone; he even put on an air freshener. With everything done, the last step was to go in and take a shower to get all the dirt off himself. Just as he stepped out, he heard the doorbell ring.

There was a moment when he thought the only time it would ring again was if Heeseung came back, but when he opened the door, he found Ni-ki, his tall frame clutching the straps of his backpack, serious in a way that Sunoo learned the other afternoon was simply the boy's way. It didn't mean he was tired or anything, but that was his normal expression when he spoke. Sunoo liked it because it made his smile brighter every time he did smile.

"Hi"

"Hi, I'm sorry, my apartment isn't that big," Sunoo said as a first thing, letting him in. He'd arranged his books on the table and put another chair for Ni-ki.

"There's room to study, that's all that matters," Ni-ki replied, leaving his things on the table as if it were his home. Sunoo snorted in amusement at that, this kid...

After that, everything felt natural. They both sat across from each other, completing their respective homework. At first, Sunoo mentioned college as an excuse; it's not like he'd actually sat down to study... but when he said yes to the boy, he was forced to start studying too, which, well, helped a lot. Jay had to thank Ni-ki.

Well, not so many thanks, because after about 15 minutes of peace where Sunoo could fully concentrate with nothing else on his mind but what he was reading... Ni-ki interrupted him.

"What did you eat today?"

Hm, Sunoo assumed it was a normal question, but a bitterness inside him told him it was because he was too thin, and the other guy was asking about it because of that. He didn't know how to feel about it.

"Nothing."

Crying so much took away his appetite most of the time, and if he wasn't crying, he was drinking.

"Nothing?!" Ni-ki stood up instantly. Sunoo was starting to suspect that he just didn't want to do his homework... "That's simply unacceptable. I'll cook you something!" Ni-ki made a show of quickly putting away his notebooks, which confirmed that yes, he simply didn't want to do his homework.

This made Sunoo giggle and shake his head at the boy's antics until... well, Ni-ki opened the refrigerator to see what he could "cook" and his smile and subsequent jokes about whatever ingredients were inside died on hiz tongue when he noticed there was nothing but bottles of alcohol, a couple of onions, two eggs, and an unopened mayonnaise.

In Sunoo's defense, today it was excessively empty; normally, he filled it with quick instant meals that lasted for days anyway because he never found the strength to make them

"Hyung..." Ni-ki said, turning to look at him, confused. There it was.

Now Ni-ki would realize what Sunoo meant.

"I haven't had time to go shopping lately," Sunoo explained, writing in his notebook now. He repeated the same word twice. Shit, he'd have to correct that.

He was trying to act confident, but embarrassment was gnawing at his insides.

"It's full of alcohol," he said, and Sunoo let out a mocking snort.

"What? You don't drink alcohol?"

"It's still not legal for me," he replied, and Sunoo felt like an idiot.

Because those were the words he'd said to Heeseung when he'd first forced the drink into his mouth, and the innocent disbelief that he still couldn't do it was the same one Ni-ki felt now.

He was turning into the same shit.

"Of course, I'm sorry," Sunoo said quickly, now completely uncomfortable, now with a tightness in his chest, and as always, every time that wave of discomfort washed over him, only one thought crossed his mind.

imisshimimisshimimisshim

"I think it'd be best if you go" Sunoo said. He hadn't looked at Ni-ki for a long time now, staring at his notebook. The writing was blurry, suddenly nothing he'd written made sense. He hurriedly closed the notebook and got up to open the door and get Ni-ki out of there.

Was he really becoming like Heeseung?

"Wait, hyung, no," Ni-ki said, trying to grab Sunoo's arm, and he pulled away as if his touch burned.

"No. It's okay, I'm sorry," Sunoo replied, tears already falling. God, how stupid, how he cried. He was such a crybaby. Heeseung was right. "I'm sorry. I know you're probably freaked out now. I'll get it. You can leave."

Instead, between the sobs that began to flow, Ni-ki hugged him.

And he should have felt awkward. He hadn't known this boy for more than four days, and here he was, sobbing while hugging him.

"My mom told me that whenever someone is sad, you shouldn't leave them alone," Ni-ki murmured. His deep voice resonated in every part of Sunoo's body, as if demanding that he had listen, that he had to pay attention. "You're very sad, aren't you, Sunoo?"

It was like a catalyst; Sunoo's body began to shake like never before, but Ni-ki held him tightly, his body completely covering Sunoo's, who was already completely exhausted.

"I just really miss him," he sobbed, and it was pathetic, the way he was letting a stranger comfort him. But said stranger didn't seem bothered by this. On the contrary, he began stroking his hair and letting him drone on and on,

sob"I miss him so much," sob "everyday, I feel like—" sob "—I'm going to d-die," a broken sob.

Sunoo could feel Ni-ki slowly shaking his head, but he continued to hold him and squeeze him against him, until after what seemed like hours, Sunoo stopped crying, left with a mortifying embarrassment.

But Ni-ki didn't let this affect him. Feeling Sunoo calm down, he gently grabbed his cheeks, making them look at each other. The blond couldn't help but pout when he saw the boy's tear-swollen face in his arms.

"I'd like to help you," Ni-ki told him. Sunoo paled at the thought and shook his head instantly. For many reasons in general, but the main one was that he didn't want to burden the younger boy with his problems. He'd just arrived from another city, and the first thing he did was help some excuse for a man he barely knew. No, Ni-ki was very good, and from everything he told Sunoo the other day, someone very interesting too. He liked to dance, he was good at drawing, he was very funny... he couldn't waste his time with Sunoo.

"Yes, and I will," Ni-ki decided at that moment. "I don't know who you're talking about, I don't know what effect it's had on your life, but what I do know is that I see something very beautiful inside you, Sunoo, and you can't let it die like this"

Chapter Text

After that, Ni-ki continued to be insistent. He picked Sunoo up from the floor and helped him wash his face. Then they both went out to find some food to cook.

Ni-ki said he wouldn't mention the matter and would act normal, but he would accompany Sunoo. Sunoo was too exhausted to refuse at that point. When it started to get dark and the blond told him he would start coming every afternoon with a small bowl of food, Sunoo couldn't help but feel guilty.

What he didn't know was that it wasn't a problem for Ni-ki. His parents were therapists, and he had a tremendous amount of empathy within him. The first thing he did was tell his mother about the situation. She advised him on what to do and how to act, always emphasizing that he didn't have to take responsibility for the other person, but rather to be there for them.

Ni-ki understood all these words perfectly, and his way of keeping company with his new friend was to talk to him every day, ask how he was, and bring him food. Sometimes Sunoo let him stay, sometimes not, but Ni-ki always tried to make him smile whenever he was in front of him.

When he told his cousin about the situation, he was surprised, and in a good way. Ni-ki had been with Sunoo for a total of two months. He had even invited him to his house to meet his family once. He hadn't stayed long, but it was long enough for him to see Ni-ki's room and for him to explain every nook and cranny. Long enough for his mother to gently squeeze his cheeks and make him dinner to take home in a tupperware container. Long enough for Ni-ki to bag all the clothes he'd outgrown and give them to Sunoo.

Long enough for Sunoo to feel loved.

All these good experiences gradually made him work up the courage, and he told Ni-ki once that he'd been missing his friends lately, but that he was embarrassed to approach them after so much.

He did it out of fear, because Heeseung always rolled his eyes when Sunoo even mentioned his friends, and it wasn't that he was comparing him to Ni-ki. God no. They were complete opposites; it's just that Heeseung always told him that when he said those things, it made him feel bad and not enough, as if Sunoo wasn't tied to him 24/7.

But another thing he had established with Ni-ki was that whatever thought he wanted to express, he should tell him, and that's what he did.

"Are you kidding?! Jungwon was dying of jealousy because I'd been telling him about the things we did together. He'd love it if you texted him!"

And that was enough to warm Sunoo's heart completely.

That same weekend, he called Jungwon, and they agreed to meet up with Sunghoon and Jake to watch movies like before. It was exactly like that. They joked around as if Sunoo had never left, updated him on their lives, made jokes, and even though he couldn't watch romance dramas without feeling sick, they chose horror movies and jumped in their seats all night, making fun of each other. He felt really good, and Sunoo's normalcy and his life seemed to come back to life.

Although he wouldn't deny that he felt nervous, the constant fear on his neck seemed to go away little by little. Having a clean place and eating better really made his head feel better. Although... he couldn't stay sober for more than five days. It hurt him that every time Ni-ki opened his fridge to look for something, he noticed the expression on his face when bottles were missing. No matter how hard the blond tried to hide it, his reaction was there.

It's just that, no matter how good he felt, there was still a thorn he couldn't get out, and when he got drunk, the fear that Heeseung's voice would never leave his head would take over and keep him from sleeping.

He didn't really know what he was more afraid of: never being able to get him out of his head, or... of actually doing it.

Because Heeseung was everything to him, how could he forget him? Oh, but he wanted to forget him so much. Every time he made a mistake, he was reminded that without him, he'd never be able to be.

Except...he was discovering that, apparently, he could, the project with Jay? They got an A thanks to him starting to go to Ni-ki's house to study. They'd sit in the living room, and his mom would make sure the blond didn't distract him and they'd both do their homework. When they were done, they'd have dinner together, laughing and teasing each other.

The boys? He started responding to them more and more; they talked every day now, and having someone to share his day with made Sunoo want to have things to share, so little by little he started living his life again.

He discovered, after a night of karaoke with the boys and Ni-ki as a guest, that he liked to dance just like the blond. He worried that he might feel as if he was copying him... but the Japanese man was more than happy to take him to the academy he'd started going to since he moved and introduce him to everyone there, instantly regretting it because everyone repeated that "He never stopped talking about Sunoo, all day all hours"

It was the first time he saw the boy so red.

The truth is that, as the months passed, the feeling of attraction toward Ni-ki grew every day. At first, he told himself he was confused, but the way the boy's actions stirred feelings in his stomach couldn't go unnoticed and left him rolling in his bed late at night.

It made him feel good, in a way, to stay up late fantasizing about the boy and not thinking of the thousand ways to stalk Heeseung even though he'd blocked him everywhere.

Speaking of social media, Sunoo started posting again, and although he'd refused a million times, his friends all gave him new clothes, clothes that were his, colorful skirts and soft cotton fabrics.

———————————————๑•̀/♡/•̀) ̫

A year passed, and the memory of Heeseung was just a relapse once a month, but Sunoo didn't give it any importance. He thought it was normal. He assumed that Heeseung would never leave. He would always be there in the back of his mind, forever, and would come out in bad and sad moments, when he was alone and no one was around.

But Sunoo wasn't worried, because most of the time he wasn't alone. He learned that this was why it was so necessary to be accompanied. Now he knew he had his friends. And as long as they were there... nothing would happen.

Chapter Text

On Ni-ki's 18th birthday, Sunoo showed up with completely blond hair.

His roots had started growing out a while ago, but he ignored them because he was still too conflicted about what to do with them. However, he remembered the first time they met, Ni-ki told him he would look good with his natural hair.

Then, driven by that attraction that he now knew was a complete crush, he asked Jungwon for help getting the color out, and now he was completely blond.

Ni-ki's reaction was the subject of teasing from all his friends all night.

He turned red, forgot how to speak, repeated the same word three times (w-what?), and then simply couldn't close his mouth. It was only when everyone started laughing that he realized it and complained to everyone, embarrassed.

Sunoo rolled his eyes with a little smirk and grabbed his sleeve, leading him outside to the courtyard away from everything for a second. Whistling sounded loud, but this didn't matter to the now blond boy, who led Ni-ki away from the crowd.

Sunoo's confidence also slowly returned. Dancing helped him a lot, and realizing that Ni-ki was also staring at him more than once between practices was what prompted him to speak.

"This is my first birthday with you," he began once they were alone, taking Ni-ki's hands and interlacing their fingers together, soft in the touch. "And I hope it's the first of many. I'm so grateful that you're in my life... i... you practically saved me." Well, Sunoo didn't want to cry, but his voice was shaking. "Honestly, you don't know how grateful i am for you, and for being so persistent, and for never giving up on me, and for making me laugh, and for being so cute and-"

Ni-ki interrupted Sunoo with a kiss.

It was a bit awkward at first because Sunoo was in the middle of a confession, but Ni-ki couldn't stand it anymore. He looked too cute, with a blush on his already pink cheeks, perfect eyeliner, dressed in the clothes he gave him and looking exquisite in them. He couldn't help but want to pounce on him completely.

For a moment, Sunoo held the reins of the kiss, guiding the clumsy, hasty boy who seemed to want to devour him. He grabbed the back of his neck, pressing him closer against him, and opened his mouth, causing them both to moan as they felt their tongues connect for the first time.

After a moment of learning, Ni-ki took control, holding Sunoo's waist and squeezing the perfect curve, pressing him closer and deepening the kiss. Looking any solid thing to press the boy there and keep swallowing his sounds eagerly while his hair was being pulled desperately.

Nothing could be more perfect than that moment.

After that, they made their relationship official, and instantly became the sweetest couple you could imagine. Sunoo couldn't believe how different he was from.. him. Ni-ki didn't scare him, didn't make him feel like his mind was shattering into a thousand pieces every day. He gave him security, space, and above all, he respected him.

Sunoo felt loved.

And just like the first time, Heeseung returned to his life when he was full of light, security, and control.

Since he started dating Ni-ki, he had been determined to get sober, improving for both of them. He had gained back all the weight he lost and felt good.

But it was a normal afternoon like any other. He had discovered a bakery near the university and decided to go in to order something that he and Ni-ki could eat while they studied. As he walked out the place, bag of freshly baked bread in hand, he saw him.

Heeseung.

Sunoo froze in place, feeling his blood pressure drop and his heart drop to his stomach. Nausea, he started to feel nauseous, his head throbbed from how much his anxiety suddenly rose, his body went on alert.

And he turned, turned and saw him, turned and was walking toward him.

No, no, no, he had to escape. He used all the strength in his body to move his legs, which felt like jelly at that moment. He managed to turn around and take two steps until he heard him.

"Sunoo."

Nausea, nausea, so much nausea. Hearing his voice again felt like thousands of knives stabbing his heart and leaving the sharp remains in his stomach. He felt like his chest was splitting open.

Sunoo didn't turn around; he stayed put, then Heeseung walked over to stand in front of him.

"No-" Sunoo managed to say in a high-pitched yelp, taking a step back, dropping the bag of bread. The man in front of him caught it instead.

"Getting fat?"

A year and months without seeing each other, and that was the first thing he said to him, accompanied by that ironic tone that has brought so many nightmares.

"Hm, I wouldn't want to get fat if i were you. I see that... you've gone back to your old habits."

By old habits, Sunoo knew he was referring to the way he dressed. Against his will, he shrank in place.

He shrank in place and felt fear, confirming, after so many months, that yes, Heeseung would always have power, that he would always control him, that he would always be there, that he would always-

"Why aren't you looking at me? Didn't you miss me? That's what all your desperate texts said." Heeseung took a step forward. Sunoo was frozen in place, "Hee, I'm nothing without you, Hee, please, I need you to breathe," he repeated mockingly.

"Here I am, aren't you going to do anything? God, you're boring. I thought you were going to give me more fun." Heeseung looked at him and seemed to remember something. "It's because you have a boyfriend now, right? I saw him on your social media, he's too handsome for you."

Sunoo thought only about getting home and deactivating all his social media accounts, so that no one would ever perceive him again.

"He'll get tired and bored when he realizes you really have nothing to give." That was the last thing he said, lightly touching Sunoo's chin. That touch was enough for Sunoo to start vomiting in the street after a few seconds.

No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he thought he'd forgotten, no matter what habits he'd formed or what he thought he'd learned.

Heeseung would always be there.

What brought him out of his starting trance was the sound of his cell phone—yes, his cell phone. He needed it. It was Ni-ki, surely asking where he was.

He didn't even let him speak; he was already sobbing into his phone, attracting the attention of passersby.

"P-Please. I-I need-" he began, and between stutters, he managed to explain where he was. Minutes later, Ni-ki got out of his mother's car, ran over to him, and hugged him with all his might, pressing him against her chest.

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, baby, it's okay."

But nothing was okay.

——————————————๑•̀>_<•̀) ̫ ─꒱

Sunoo hugged and clinged to Ni-ki the entire trip to the boy's house. When they got out and went inside, the mother gave clear instructions to leave her alone with Sunoo.

"What? No! He needs me!" Ni-ki said, clinging to Sunoo without letting go.

Sunoo only felt guilty about that; he didn't want to be anyone's responsibility; he wasn't.

Then he forcefully released himself from Ni-ki's grasp. Ni-ki looked at him in confusion, but Sunoo only squeezed their intertwined hands before letting go and going to the boy's mother to her office.

He was expecting for her to give him a gentle lecture about how he wasn't good for her son, and honestly, he would accept it. If Sunoo was her, he wouldn't want her son with someone so unstable either.

But instead, Ni-ki's mother lectured him about how he needed a psychologist to help him in situations where no one could be with him, to give him tools for such situations, and that she would take care of finding just her best colleague for him and pay for the sessions.

Sunoo could only cry; he didn't feel deserving of anything. A few minutes with Heeseung shattered his newfound self-esteem, but there were the Nishimuras, holding him up again.

At the end of the conversation and when they left the woman's office, Ni-ki threw himself at him and they both fell to the floor

"Ni-ki, yaaah, you're so heavy!" Sunoo complained at the giant weight on him... what... was he...shaking? "Are you crying?!"

Indeed, Ni-ki had a giant pout on him; it was true that Sunoo only explained what had happened through sobs.

"I-I don't want you to be sad again, Hyung," Ni-ki told him, and now the two of them were pouting.

"I won't be... your mom got me a therapist who'll help me," he said to his boyfriend, cradling his cheeks.

"He's a son of a bitch," Ni-ki responded angrily through tears. Sunoo let out a sound of surprise, mostly because his mother was still near them!

"Nishimura!" Sunoo scolded him.

"It's true! He's... he's stupid and mean. Please, Sunoo, don't believe anything he said!" Ni-ki quickly clung to his favorite spot: Sunoo's waist. "You're so good to me, and you always let me hug you, and you like to rehearse choreography with me even when you're tired, and you help me focus on studying, and you're so cute, and soft, and-"

Sunoo shut him up with a quick, resounding kiss.

"I believe you," he said, and although he couldn't say it was 100 percent true now, he knew that one day it would be. Ni-ki had saved him from a cruel fate by setting him on the path to something good.

He knew that with him, nothing would be impossible. ♡