Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"We should dance." Donna said to Ben.

"You're not going to get better if you stay all dark and gloomy you know..."

...

"Fine."

It was already absurd that Donna managed to drag Ben to the New Years party, let alone get him to dance with her. Donna thinks Ben might be doing it because he feels bad that she's arguing with Brady, or that he's just drunk. What she doesn't realise is that Ben is trying to make his last memories be with the people he loves.

The song was changing when they started walking towards the dance floor. To add to Ben's misery, the song that was playing was Love Me, which was the song him and Ricky danced to.

"Er... Don't you think we should wait for a less romantic song?"

Ben said to Donna silently praying she'd agree and so that he could leave to somewhere where he couldn't hear the music, but ofcourse...

"They've only played romantic songs so far, don't think that's gonna change just because we want to dance."

Ben wanted to correct her saying that she wanted to dance, but he didn't want to ruin the moment.

"Alright fine, but just so you know I'm a shitty dancer and will probably step on your toes like seventy times."

"Yeah I know."

They danced and it looked... awful. Donna's a great dancer, but Ben... is terrible. Donna made a comment about him not being on beat, which he wanted to reply with "I would be if I was dancing with Ricky", but for obvious reasons he didn't and just forced out a chuckle. Some people we're laughing at their dancing and you could hear Donna say "Ow" too many times, but they we're having fun. For the most of it anyways.

...

When the song ended and they left the dance floor, someone approached them.

"Donna, can we talk?"

It was Brady, wearing a nice, fancy, probably very expensive suit.

"There's nothing to talk about..."

"Please..."

"Ugh fine. But you have only five minutes."

They walked off and Ben was all alone, again. The clock said it was six minutes before midnight, the time he promised to stay until to Donna.

As the clocked ticked and ticked, Ben was getting more and more overwhelmed. There was a lot of drunks, people making out or having fun, reminding him that he lost the person most important to him, the only one who truly understood him. And it was all his fault.

People started the countdown of the last minute now, and Donna still wasn't here. When he looked outside the window to see if she was still talking with Brady, she was, but she looked... happier.

He turned around trying to go to the kitchen to drink some water, but everyone already started counting down from ten.

"Nine! Eight! Seven!"

He then saw Ricky.

"Six! Five! Four!"

His Ricky.

"Three!"

But he then realised they truly are different.

"Two!"

Because Ricky is happy,

"One!

but Ben will never be.

The room errupted in cheers. Ricky and Skeeter hugged and so did Lola and Nancy. Brady and Donna kissed outside, Ben saw when looking back through the window. Kenny was laughing at some stupid joke that he himself said. Even Bobbie looked less grumpy than usual.

Everyone was happy. Everyone,

except Ben.

Chapter Text

After Ben noticed he had been staring for way too long at Ricky and Skeeter, he realised that he can finally leave the party. Although he wanted to go talk to Ricky again, he knew that it wouldn't fix anything, so after looking at him one last time, he closed the front door.

Outside were Brady and Donna, who seemingly made up since they were kissing eachother like Brady just came home from war. They obviously stopped when they saw Ben, and Donna got up to talk to him.

"Why are you leaving already?"

In her voice you could tell she knew he would, but that little bit of hope she carried with her made her believe there's a chance he'd stay. But there never was.

"Just tired. We have school tomorrow anyways, so I should get some sleep you know."

He looked out of it to both Donna and Brady. Not in a "Hey I'm high" way, but in a "I'm not okay" way. Usually Donna would bother him a little about it, but she didn't want to stress Ben even more, so she didn't.

They exchanged their goodbyes as Ben left, still looking a bit shaken up.

Whilst walking Ben was trying to think of all tje good memories he had. Him and Stuart playing as kids. Him and Donna fighting over stupid things he can't even recall now. His life before that party. Before Heather ruined him. Before she ruined everything.

Sometimes he still thinks how he could've avoided it, but mostly his thoughts are about the fact that he was stupid enough to get into that situation in the first place. He sometimes thinks about how other people would react if he told them. Not everyone is as understanding as Ricky, he thinks to himself, maybe Donna, but even then she'd tell mom, who would just blame me. Sometimes I wonder if my life would've been different if it didn't happen... But knowing me I'd end up on this bridge miserable anyways.

The walking lead him to the bridge above the local river. He always knew he would end up doing this. Just never really decided how. Well now he's going to. Most things in his life he couldn't choose himself. Doing this... Taking his life... He would finally have a choice. Something he hasn't had in a long time. Not with Heather, not with his mom, not with Ricky... Everything, his whole life... it was chosen for him.

But the end..?

...

He's making sure he's choosing it himself.

Chapter Text

And as he's about to step off...

"Ben?"

Hearing that voice makes him stumble back, resulting in him hitting the flooring of the bridge whilst falling.

"Wh- Donna? W-Why are y-you here?"

He was still in shock because of what just happened, and seeing his sister doesn't help.

"..."

"Why were you on the edge of the bridge."

"Wh- I-I was just looking at the river."

She stared at him for a moment. Really stared at him. She now noticed all the things she previously missed. His eyebags were worse than usual. The area around his eyes looked irritated, most likely from crying, which the redness around his pupils confirmed. It made sense now. Why he never left his room, why he suddenly stopped drawing, why he barely spoke anymore, why he acted like he did when he was 15, why he bother her anymore.

She wanted to yell at him, to scream at him. But she didn't. She just slowly walked towards him and hugged him. Actually hugged him. Something that she hadn't done in a while. They stayed like that for a bit. Hugging in silence.

"I'm sorry."

Ben's soft whisper broke the silence and hug, and then his voice turned into a soft quiet cry.

"I'm sorry too."

Donna said, now crying aswell. She wanted to say more. She wanted to say that she was sorry for not noticing, not picking up on the signs.

But she didn't. She just pulled him into another hug.

Instead she asked him,

"Why..?"

He didn't know what to say at first. He didn't want to say anything really, he was hoping she wouldn't ask him that.

"I, I um. Do you remember that party Stuart hosted? The one that was meant to be just a couple of us and then Heather invited a shit ton of people."

"Yeah you mentioned it briefly I think."

"Well um... At that party... Heather she-, she kept hitting on me I guess? Flirting and whatever the fuck. And um... After I told her ot back off multiple times... She put something in my drink."

Donna was confused for a second, but then she realised what this was leading to. Her expression shifted into something Ben couldn't read.

"She- she uh..."

He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell his sister that someone took advantage of him. She would probably laugh at him, he thought.

Instead she did something else.

"God Ben..."

She stopped for a moment trying to form a sentence.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I-I..."

Now Donna was crying too.

"Jesus Christ."

...

They sat on the bridge for some time, Ben's head on Donna's shoulder, in silence. Just the sound of their breathing, water slowly flowing beneath them and sometimes you could hear a sob from Ben. He was still crying.

It wasn't "peaceful", not after that, but it felt like a weight was off their shoulders. Ben finally confided in somebody other than Ricky, and Donna knew why her brother was acting like this.

"Let's go home."

She said getting up slowly, taking Ben's hand with her.

Ben looked at her in that moment. He realised that he was wrong. Donna wouldn't see him differently because of Heather, she maybe wouldn't see him differently because of Ricky either.

"Okay. Y-yeah let's go home."

He said while wiping his tears.

...

They were walking back home now, after a quick stop at the party to tell Brady she was going home. Brady wanted to drive her and Ben, but she insisted on them walking instead.

"How did you find me?"

Ben asked Donna.

"Well,"

She took a deep breath.

"when you left, Brady and I both knew something was wrong. And then, you took a different turn, and that turn only lead, well, to that bridge."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Brady told me that he could go with me when I told him I was going to see if you were actually going home, but I thought it'd be better if only I came."

Ben slowly nodded to her, showing that he agrees.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

He wanted to ask her if she would see him any differently if he was... Well... Inlove with Ricky.

"I- uh..."

But he didn't. He realised that what happened today was already too much for Donna. He shouldn't make her go through more of this.

"Can you please not tell mom about this?"

This made Donna stop walking.

"I-... Honestly? I don't know. I don't want to tell her because I know you don't want me to but... You need help, Ben."

"Please.. If it gets worse you can tell her but please, please, don't tell her now... I can't..."

"Okay. I won't, for the time being. But please if you're going to feel like that again, going to want to do that again... Tell me. I can't lose you. You're my favourite person in this world and if I lost you... I'd lose myself."

"Alright. I'll tell you."