Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

How to get to Hadestown. You have to take the long way down.

He tried jumping after her. 

She was already lowering the water level and letting the ocean recede back to its previous beaches, though. So, he likely would have cracked his head on the pavement and died, messy and cold, making her sacrifice meaningless. 

But, at that moment, he didn’t care.

He was nothing without her. 

They were supposed to get married.

She was supposed to be his wife.

He loved her.

It wasn’t fair.

Cole had to catch him before he jumped, but he wasn’t going to go down without a fight. He started flailing and screaming around his sobs. Distantly, he recognized that she wouldn’t want him to be acting like this, but he thought he deserved a little bit of leniency. His world had just irrevocably shattered, after all.

“LET ME GO! LET ME GOOOO! SHE NEEDS ME! I CAN-”

“Jay,” Cole said, stern but not unkind, his own voice filled with emotion. “Jay, c’mon buddy, don’t do this…”

“NO! NYAAA! FUCK! NYA COME BACK!” He screeched, like that was going to change anything.

Cole shifted his grip so his arms encircled Jay’s waist, hugging him tightly. Jay kicked him repeatedly in the shins, his fists pummeling at Cole’s arms, but Cole didn’t release him.

“LET ME GO!”

It was almost like an out of body experience. He was watching himself fall to pieces at a distance. He was watching his life implode from the inside out. He’d been dignified as long as there had been a chance she could stay but now? He knew he couldn’t save her. She had made her choice. She was a hero. She had saved the world. She had saved him.

…

He wished she had just let him die. It would have been kinder than having to live the rest of his life without her.

“Jay,” came a much softer voice…too soft for its owner.

A warm hand grabbed his wrist and Jay froze as, through the blinding tears, another face came into focus.

He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Kai cry. Not in the several years he’d known the other man. Even now, he was holding himself together much better than Jay was. 

Nya would have been proud of him.

“Jay, she’s gone.” Kai was blunt with him, but Jay could see the way the words shook the fire ninja too. His mouth was pressed into a hard line, eyes distant as tears poured down his face.

And that was all it took to suck the fight right out of Jay’s body. 

He collapsed in on himself like a black hole, and started to sob, loudly and violently.

Ain’t no compass, brother. Ain’t no map. Just a telephone wire and a railroad track. Keep on walkin’ and don’t look back until you get to the bottomland.

The next few weeks were a blur of sleepless nights, stress-vomiting, sobbing, and dissociating. He didn’t know where he even was half of the time, but he did know that he rarely left his room…the room they’d once shared. 

Everything reminded him of her, but none of it was enough. It wouldn’t bring her back.

Her pillow lost her scent. The things she’d left behind stayed where she’d left them, gathering dust. Her clothes hung in their closet, unworn.

The funeral was nice. They let him say a few words. It seemed like all of Ninjago had come to pay their respects. He talked to her mother, sharing their grief. His parents tried consoling him and they even let him stay with them for a while to try and get him back on his feet. 

It would never be enough.

“Don’t go…” Cole tried to reason with him as he carelessly and emotionlessly threw articles of clothing into a bag. “She would want us to all stick together...you know that.”

But she’s not here, is she?

He didn’t bother dignifying Cole’s plea with a response. He just finished packing his bag.

He left in the early morning before anyone else could try and talk him out of it.

Wait for me! I’m comin’! Wait, I’m comin’ with you! Wait for me, I’m comin’ too! I’m comin’ too!

The splintered wood of the oars dug into the once-soft skin of his palms as he rowed. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been rowing so far. The sun beat down on him, making sweat roll down his spine. But out here…he felt more peace than he’d felt since she left.

Out here…she was everywhere. He was surrounded by her. By her love.

Out here…he could pretend his heart was whole again.

He rested the oars on the sides of the small boat he’d rented and slumped in on himself.

“Heh…” he laughed without humor. “This isn’t as easy as I remember it being…But then again, last time, you were here too. I got to look at your beautiful face while I rowed. And even if we were on the run and you still hated me…it made it all worth it just to keep you safe.”

The ocean didn’t respond.

“Do you remember that? I know it wasn’t the best situation and I had just been through…all of that, but those days with you were some of the happiest in my memories. You told me you opened your heart to me. That I was the one for you…I remember I was so happy. And I was so scared.”

The ocean stayed silent except for the gentle splashing of waves against his boat.

“You scared me. But I think it was in the kind of way that’s exciting, y’know? Like flying instead of falling..”

The ocean continued its silence.

“I miss you,” he murmured as tears bubbled up in his throat. “I still love you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. You’re it for me, Nya. I’ll never love another person as long as I live. I…I want you to know that.”

…

Who are you? Where do you think you’re goin’? Who are you? Why are you all alone? Who do you think you are? Who are you to walk a road no one’s ever walked before?

The lighthouse was empty when he got there. Echo had apparently found some way to leave the isolated island…or he’d sunk to the bottom of the sea to rust in peace.

Jay was well and truly alone. Alone with his thoughts. Alone with her surrounding him. 

He knew then and there that he would never leave. He would grow old and decrepit, surrounded by memories of a great love he had lost. People would tell stories about the blue ninja and how he’d gone crazy after Nya was lost to the sea. How he’d locked himself up in a lighthouse that was meant to be a prison and stayed there until he inevitably died of loneliness. 

He could make his stay here quicker…

It would be so easy to just walk into the sea with rocks in his pockets; giving his body and heart back to her.

...

But she wasn’t gone in the traditional sense. He wouldn’t even be able to reunite with her in death.

Not for the first time, he blamed himself. She had done it to save all of Ninjago. But she had also done it to get the water out of his lungs. She had saved him, but she had also condemned the both of them to isolation.

Jay climbed the winding steps of the lighthouse to the small living space at the top. And when he got there, he collapsed and screamed.

His voice carried across the ocean to the horizon.

I’m comin’, wait for me! I hear the walls repeatin’ the fallin’ of my feet and it sounds like drummin’! And I am not alone! I hear the rocks and stones echoin’ my song!

The sea breeze felt like her kisses. The seagulls’ cries sounded like her voice. The air belonged to her. The water belonged to her. The beach belonged to her. He belonged to her. 

Everything was Nya.

He started collecting ocean water in cups and placing them around the lighthouse so he could talk to her wherever he went. It made him feel less alone. And if he was going to go full cracked insanity, he was going to embrace it.

For her, he would gladly give up his mind.

He stopped shaving, stopped combing his hair, stopped brushing his teeth. None of it mattered anymore. The only thing he could do was bathe because it felt like her hands were on him again, holding him in her warm embrace.

He took up painting, trying to preserve her image forever. He had pictures, of course, but some of the finer details were starting to fade from his memory, and he couldn’t let that happen. Through brush and paint he committed himself to memorializing her, branding her on his broken heart for the rest of his sad life. If and when he died, they would know that she had been loved. That he had loved her.

And that was all the legacy he could really ask for.

If he could never be with her again, if she was truly lost...

He would lose himself too.

I’m comin’!

Chapter Text

Is it you? Have my prayers been answered? Is it really you standing there? Or am I dreaming once more?

A lot of things had to be rebuilt after the attack of the crystal army. Ninjago City was in ruins. The monastery had been completely destroyed in the explosion. Lloyd and his dad were finally starting to talk again.

And Jay? 

Well…Nya was avoiding Jay.

It wasn’t that she suddenly hated him. That wasn’t it at all. In fact, it was the opposite.

She was worried he would hate her.

She had promised them all that she wouldn’t forget them. That she wouldn’t forget him.

And then what had she done? She’d forgotten all about him. She was so enthralled in becoming the sea, in finding her purpose and connecting to her element, that love had seemed so distant to her. What was love when she was as vast as the sky? What was love when the waves bowed to her command? What was love but a distraction from her duty?

And he had never ever forgotten her. In the year that she had been gone, he had never left her side; not that she ever knew. He’d isolated himself, surrounded himself with the sea, with memories of her in the spot where she confessed her love for him.

But despite him giving up everything for her, she had forgotten him.

So, she was avoiding him. 

She knew it was wrong of her to do; he’d gone to jail just for the chance that she could live a normal life again. But she couldn’t face him. Not with all of the guilt weighing her down.

He had other plans.

The monastery grounds were empty that day. Everyone else had gone into town to buy supplies, leaving her to look after the rubble and maybe start working on the garage again. She kicked a broken stone with her foot, wondering which wall it had crumbled from, her back to the monastery gates.

She didn’t even hear the footsteps coming up the mountainous stairs.

“Nya…” he called to her softly, and she startled. 

There was nowhere for her to hide. No errand for her to run. Nothing to shield her from the twelve tons of guilt that slammed into her chest at full speed at just her name in his mouth.

“Nya please look at me,” his voice was gentle, understanding. He was always understanding. It was infuriating sometimes how he just rolled over instead of standing up for himself. How had he ever made it on his own without her…?

The answer was, of course, that he hadn’t.

She slowly turned, her face solemn and emotional all at once. When her eyes met his, she saw them light up and she wanted to be sick.

You look different. Your eyes look tired. Your frame is lighter. Your smile torn… Is it really you my love?

“There you are,” he smiled softly. “I feel like I haven’t gotten a chance to see you since everything happened.” He set down the bag he was holding and started walking towards her. She had never been scared of him before. She was right now.

She surprised herself when she didn’t flinch as he brought his hand up to press it gently to her cheek, his fingers tracing her new markings from her time as the sea, white against the dark tan of her skin.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, eyes a little sad. “I think I need to update my paintings. They don’t hold a candle to the real you.”

She swallowed and allowed herself the brief respite of pressing into his hand. He was so gentle with her, treating her like she was a priceless treasure and the most important person in the world. He saw her for who she was and loved her for it…but was he still in love with the person she had been? Because she would never be the same…not after everything that had happened.

I am not the woman you fell in love with. I am not the woman you once adored. I am not your good and gentle wife. And I am not the love you knew before.

“Jay, I…” the words stuck in her throat, swelling with emotion. She had spent a week frozen in ice. Then, just as she had gotten her body back, Jay was carted off to Kryptarium. And then it had been a whirlwind of getting them out of prison, fighting the Overlord again…and now… Now that they were finally face to face again without the world falling apart around them, she didn’t know what to say. 

“Take your time…” he said, eyes full of love. 

Those three words pushed her into motion, fueled by indignation and anguish. “How can you say that?!” She could feel the tears start to pool in the corners of her eyes.

He blinked, his eyebrows raising in shock at her sudden emotion. “What do-”

“A year,” she sobbed loudly, voice cracking. “You waited an entire year, by yourself, for me. And you’re still waiting! Jay! I’m…I’m not worth it!”

Jay’s brow furrowed in obvious concern. “Nya…you’re always worth it.”

“I know you sat in that lighthouse talking to water glasses! I know you painted pictures of me over and over and over! I know you did it to be close to me! To remember me! You never deserved that. You should have moved on without me,” she was yelling now. “All of you should have moved on, because I did.”

She sniffed, messily wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I promised you I wouldn’t forget. That I would always remember what we had. I promised. But I…I couldn’t keep that promise. The longer I stayed the sea the fuzzier and fuzzier the memories became until I just…forgot. I forgot you, Jay.”

Would you fall in love with me again if you knew all I’ve done? The things I cannot change. Would you love me all the same? I know that you’ve been waiting, waiting for love.

“Oh, Nya…” Jay whispered, opening his arms and approaching her.

She collapsed in on herself, weeping. “You were locked in that lighthouse, alone, driving yourself insane with grief and I was playing with dolphins. Jay, that…I’m so sorry, that’s unforgivable.”

As he finally enveloped her into his embrace, she fell apart, burying her face in his shoulder and letting the fabric of his shirt soak up her tears. How could she forget how it felt to be wrapped in his arms? How could she forget a love this strong and true? How could she ever forget him?

“You came back to me,” he said, bringing up a hand to rub circles into her back as she heaved sobs. “You did what we all thought was impossible and you came back to me. That’s all that matters.

“No!” She shouted, her hands fisting in his shirt unwilling to let him go but also unwilling to let him be passive any longer. “Be angry with me! Shout at me! Don’t just stand there and accept that I forgot you and left you to wither away without me! Don’t do that to me, Jay! Don’t forgive me!”

I will fall in love with you, over and over again. I don’t care how, where, or when. No matter how long it’s been, you’re mine. Don’t tell me you’re not the same person. You’re always my wife and I’ve been waiting…waiting…

“How could I be mad at you for that when I love you so much?” He turned his face so he was speaking those words into her hair before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m just…I’m just so happy you’re here. That you’re alive and safe. I used to pray to the stars to watch over you when I was too tired to. I used to sit with my feet in the waves just so I could pretend to be close to you again. I made the guys carry my water glasses with us back to the monastery so I could have a piece of you always by my side, even as we worked to get you back.”

She sobbed brokenly into his shoulder.

“How could I ever be mad at you for coming back to me in your own time, in your own way? I’ve waited a decade for you, Nya…and I’ll wait another thousand years if it means I get to be your husband and stay by your side. You’re my yang…forever and always.” He squeezed her tightly and she thought that maybe she could hear him crying softly too.

“I’m sorry I made you wait…” she murmured, burying her face into the soft skin of his neck. “I was just…I felt so guilty.”

He hummed. “Nya…you will always be worth the wait.”

“How long,” she asked, unsure if she wanted to know the answer. “How long was I gone?”

“To today? One year, two months, and six days.”

She pulled back, probably looking messy and covered in snot, and she saw that he, indeed, had also been crying. His eyes were red-rimmed and watery, but he looked so happy.

“I love you,” she said gently, cupping his cheek in her hand. “I should have told you that a while ago…but I love you.”

“I love you too, Nya,” he said with a wobbly smile before ducking down and bringing their lips together.

It was her first kiss in well over a year…but with Jay, it finally felt like coming home.

I love you.