Chapter Text
Negative.
A month later?
Negative.
You don’t understand. All you’ve ever wanted was a baby. And the universe gifted you a fucking super soldier husband who also wanted the white picket fence life. He was progressive yet wanted to settle down and make a family, he said so when you met.
Steve definitely doesn’t have anything wrong. He has the serum.
So why did you have to be broken? Who else could try for two of their most fertile years, and not be pregnant?
Negative.
You scream as you whip the plastic test at the garbage. It’s not fair. In fact, it’s rather cruel.
When the tears run dry and you have a headache from turmoil, you start preparing dinner. At least cooking gives you something to do. It always soothes you, giving you something clarity.
“Hey, beautiful. Dinner on?” Steve can smell the food you’ve started to cook.
“Yup,” you answer. You’re trying to be cheery. He sighs, cupping your face and seeming as heartbroken as you do. He knows what you look like after a negative.
“Baby, let’s stop trying. It’s so stressful for us both. If it happens, it happens. They said stress like this could even be keeping you from being pregnant.” Steve thumbs your cheek and kisses you.
Nothing aches more than the idea of giving up. Something has to give. You have always dreamed of your own baby, and Steve should be the most remarkable father.
“Will you resent me?” You ask when he holds you close.
“No, Baby. I love you. Having you is enough.” Steve envelopes you and sways in the kitchen. It’s been wearing on you both, and even your sex life. Now, you melt into his arms and take a shuddering breath.
“Okay. If it happens, it happens.” You silently weep and Steve tightens his hold.
The door opens to your apartment, but you don’t care. You’re tired of hiding your heartache. It’s probably the hardest part, trying to pretend you are fine when your world is crashing down.
“Hey, sorry. Steve had asked me over after our press shit all day. Are you alright?” Bucky’s voice comes from the entry.
You sniff, nodding tiredly. The chicken needs you, or things won’t be ready at the same time. As you depart from Steve, you walk slowly and wonder how this pain will ever go away.
“Hey, hey… what’s wrong? You look like the sky fell!” Bucky rubs your shoulders and tries to catch your eye.
“I’m okay! Just a long day. I… I need to see to the chicken, or you guys won’t have much to eat!” You try to laugh but it’s impossibly strained.
Bucky leaves it, but looks to Steve for answers. You are too intently focused to tell if he gives any clues.
—
“Hey, are you sure you’re alright? Steve said you are having a rough time. I’ve never seen you two look so broken up.” Bucky sits and passes you a dessert coffee.
“I’ll be fine. I can handle it, sorry if I was a drag all evening.” You sip the drink, avoiding his gaze. He’s always just sort of there when you need him to be. He and Steve are two of a kind.
“Hey, I’ve been hoggin’ your husband since day one with all my problems. If you need some time, or wanna talk, I’m around. But Steve is good at fixing everyone’s problems. He gets a distress signal every time someone looks longingly out a window.” The two of you laugh at that. He’s so right, Steve is always ready to bust down a door to save someone’s day.
Your husband comes back with a blanket to wrap you in, and starts to rub your feet. It’s a routine when Bucky stays late, you don’t like to go to bed but also don’t always want to stay up. Steve takes to rubbing your feet while you read or sleep, and the two of them talk.
Today has been so exhausting, that you fall asleep mere pages into a book. Steve keeps your legs over his lap as he chats quietly with Bucky, and the background noise lulls you. But a long pause in the din pulls you back to the waking world for a moment.
“So… what happened? You guys still trying? She seemed real broken up.” Bucky speaks softly but you have to keep breathing or your heart will break.
“Two years and no luck… I told her maybe we shouldn’t try any more. It’s so hard to see her upset every month, and it’s stressful for us both. I have this big task force to run, and Avengers stuff since Tony and Natasha are gone. I’ve just got a lot happening and I don’t see it changing. So if it didn’t work out, maybe it wasn’t meant to.” Steve sounds like he is a little more accepting.
“Has it been that long? Doesn’t that mean somethin’s wrong?” Bucky sounds sad for you two.
“I mean… maybe. Or it could be all the stress of trying. They’re not sure.” Steve rubs your legs like it reassures him.
“Didn’t they say with the serum it would be pretty much instant?” Bucky asks in a tone you know. It’s the tone you think in when you consider the same fact. It isn’t Steve’s fault you’re not pregnant.
“I dunno. I think we just need to focus on my career and the house for now. If it happens, it happens.” Steve lets the answer sit a moment before moving on.
The next time you wake up, they’re shuffling and whispering as Steve stands and lets you stay asleep on the couch. This is usually when they make Bucky a room, and Steve takes you to the bedroom to sleep. Tonight is different.
You hear footsteps of someone going past, and expect Steve to wake you. Instead, a firm hand touches your shoulder.
No words, nothing else. Just a caring and sympathetic hand on your shoulder, gently squeezing before disappearing. You are nearly back fully asleep when Steve gets you up and brushes his teeth with you.
He kisses you in the en suite, and teases you when you show him new skin care products.
“Even super soldiers get old. Don’t you think about stealing my stuff when you start getting wrinkly!” You giggle when he lifts you onto the counter.
“I’ll love you even if you turn into a prune. Okay?” Steve smiles when you gasp. “I love you, baby.”
The heaviness of the moment sinks in. He loves you even though you never got pregnant. Even though you’re falling apart about it.
“I love you, too.” So much. With all your heart. And maybe you’ll never have to share.