Archive of Our Own ^beta

They’ve been running for what feels like ages now, Namjoon coming close to running out of breath, adrenaline pumping in his veins. Their hands are clasped tight together between them as they round a corner. „Do you think they will find us here?“ Taehyung's voice was only a huff of breath.
Namjoon is about to open his mouth to answer when they go stiff hearing familiar voices.

They’ve been playing this game for a while, Taehyung painting walls in vibrant colours at night, Namjoon meeting him to give him company. Their nights often end like this, their hands clasped together while trying to escape the police; it has almost become a routine by now.

The voices come nearer, Taehyung squeezing Namjoon's hand tighter. He closes his eyes, tensing, trying hard to stay still and not make any noises. Silence between them.

It feels like hours pass by as they stay pressed together on the wall, Namjoon feeling the heat of Taehyung's body even through the layers of fabric between them.

The noises fade away, the men seem to take another direction, losing track of them. They both let out their breaths they’ve been holding. „I think they’re gone.“ Namjoon whispers. Taehyung hums in agreement. He waits a few moments to make sure they’re really safe, then turns his head to look at Namjoon. „Wanna go to yours?“

——

They’re in Namjoon's home, or better said, his container. When he moved to Seoul he didn’t have enough money for a proper apartment, so he didn’t have another option but to live here; the money he earns at the gas station not nearly enough. Sometimes it feels a little confining, but Namjoon is mostly working or out with his friends anyway, so it isn’t that much of a problem.

Namjoon is closing the fridge with his hips, walking back to the couch with two beers in his hands.

Taehyung turns on the cushions when he approaches, smiling while taking the beer from Namjoon's hands.

After the shared some beers and mostly sat quietly next to each other, thighs barely touching, Taehyung turned to Namjoon. „Wanna get some fresh air?“

Namjoon is quick to say yes, wanting to get out of his cramped place. They head out, comfortable silence between them as they walk along the train tracks. The air feels chilly in the early spring.

As they wander along the tracks, they come across a blue container, yellows and bright blues painting the steel. You can make out a figure between paterns, a few unreadable words.

Taehyung comes to a stop, letting his eyes roam over the artwork.

„Remember when we first met here?“

Of course he remembers; how could he forget it? He got so startled when he heard the noises, not expecting company, as there is rarely anyone else than his friends and him in this area.

When he went to find out where the noises came from, a boy appeared, a boy his age looking not much younger, wearing a blue leather jacket giving him a boxy grin.

Namjoon tried to smile back, giving him a hopefully warm smile, being confused by his presence.

„I’m Taehyung.“ The boy said, eyes sparkling in the dim streetlights.

„Namjoon.“ Was the only thing he got out, feeling enchanted by the handsome man in front of him.

He must have stared because the man started to speak again, trying to fill the silence. „How old are you?“

„Twenty-two.“

„I’m twenty-one; you’re my hyung then.“ Taehyung said, smiling, turning back to the train car. Continuing to cover the colourful surface with more colours.

Only then Namjoon noticed the backpack full of spray cans, some lying loose on the ground. His gaze followed back up to where Taehyung's hands were working and took in the artwork in front of him. The lines seemed mostly abstract, but Namjoon thinks he could make out a face.

„What are you doing here?“

„What does it look like?“ He answered, look on his face mischievous.

And well that’s- that was a dumb question, of course Namjoon knew what he was doing; he was just trying to make sense of why this good-looking man appeared out of nowhere, showing up to this mostly deserted place. It’s not often here that he’s seeing people other than his friends.

Namjoon was about to speak when he heard sirens. He looked back at Taehyung, a questioning look on his face. Taehyung just smiled at him.

„Wanna have some fun?“

That was the first time they ran from the police. Namjoon thought he would never see the mysterious man again, but he kept showing up. At some point he was convinced it was destiny; there was no other possible way to explain this.

As they spend more time together, they got closer, started hanging out at Namjoons place, never at Taehyung's. He says he has issues at home and Namjoon doesn’t want to push.

„I remember. I was so scared when the police showed up, I thought I was going to jail.“

Taehyung chuckles.

„I don’t think you’re going to jail for doing nothing illegal. You’re not the one spraying graffiti on public property.“ He says grinning as they begin to walk again.

——

They’ve been walking for a while when Taehyung suddenly stops.

„Yeah Kook was really- Taehyung?“ Namjoon not noticing Taehyung coming to an halt turns finding him eyeing a path.

„Can I show you something?“

He squints his eyes, looking at Taehyung with suspicion.

„Depends on what showing something means.“

——

Namjoon didn’t expect this, especially when Taehyung leads him through an overgrown path; he expected him to show him some kind of fucked-up shortcut. Instead he’s greeted with a beautiful view over the train tracks.

„Oh my god.“ Namjoon gazes over the wide view. „I didn’t know this place existed.“

They‘re alone, no one else visiting the parking lot where they are. In front of them you can almost see over the whole city.

„It’s beautiful here. How come you never showed me this place before?“

He just shrugs.

Taehyung sits down, padding the asphalt next to him. Namjoon takes a seat, thighs nearly touching.

„How did you find this place?“

„Don’t know. Just walked some way.“ He says casually.

Namjoon just hums; he knows asking again won’t change anything. Taehyung's always been like that.

„I think that over there is your home.“ Taehyung points at a blurry dot.

„Mhm maybe. I can’t really make out anything with this distance.“

They fall into comfortable silence, Taehyung slowly leaning closer. Their shoulders are almost touching now.

Namjoon wonders if he should lean in too, maybe put- His thoughts are interrupted when Taehyung puts his head on his shoulder.

Namjoon freezes for a moment, Taehyung feeling so comfortable against him, like he belongs there.

He starts to relax, melting into his presence.
Slowly he lays his head atop Taehyung's. Any worries washed away when the younger hums contently. Smiling, he breathes in his scent.

Has his hearth always beat this fast?

He doesn’t think so. Suddenly he becomes aware of how warm Taehyung is. He looks to the side, seeing Taehyung still looking out in the distance. His side profile is so pretty. Has it always been like that? Namjoon didn’t notice it before. His nose looks divine, like it was sculpted by Greek gods. He thinks Taehyung's face belongs in a museum, presented to everyone to show his ethereal beauty.

Taehyung shifts, focusing his eyes on the man before him. He looks slightly confused but quickly changes to a smile.

Namjoon feels his cheeks heating; he's been caught while staring. But Taehyung doesn’t seem to mind staring right back at him.

Namjoons eyes dart over his features, his eyes, his defined nose, his lips. He quickly looks up again, closing his lips he slightly parted before.

„Um.“

Namjoons brain seems to freeze, nothing that makes sense coming out of his head. He speaks before he can think. „Do you wanna lay down?“ God why did he say that.

Taehyungs smile only grows. „Sure I always wanted to watch the stars with someone else.“

Namjoons cheeks only redden more at the teasing tone in Taehyung's voice. He didn’t intent it to come out sounding so romantic. But he didn’t mean it like that, of course not. It was a totally normal request to make between good friends right?

Namjoon isn’t even sure what they are; they never talked about it, never put a label on them. They just kinda meet some day and have been meeting ever since.

That’s probably what everyone else would describe as a normal healthy friendship, and it would be really, but there have been moments, moments where he’s not sure where the line really is drawn.

Like when they run from the cops, they’re always holding hands. Taehyung is probably doing it so they don’t loose each other but Namjoon sees more behind it.

Or sometimes they’ll sit closely together on the couch, probably closer than needed, while watching a movie on Namjoon's old TV. Or sometimes when Taehyung is creating new art with his graffiti bottles, they will have these moments where the tension between them is so thick, he thinks he could cut the air with a knife.

Namjoons pretty sure Taehyung doesn’t do these things on purpose, only by accident. Like sometimes he will look at his lips. He probably doesn’t even notice it; it just happens.

And sometimes Namjoon will catch himself looking at his lips too, only by accident, obviously.

He isn’t even sure if Taheyung likes boys; they never talk about things like that. When he thinks about it, Namjoon doesn’t really know anything about Taehyung, but at the same time he knows so much.

He’s always a little bit mysterious, never talking about his private life, just mostly about his art or about Namjoon, never about himself and especially never about his family or home situation. He doesn’t even know where he lives, with family or by himself, possibly with a partner, but no- Namjoon would know that, Taehyung would tell him, right?

He isn’t sure; the conversations they’re having always a little on surface level. They mostly don’t even hold conversations; they’re often just spending time together in silence, but it’s not weird or uncomfortable. It feels good to have a little bit of peaceful silence after his shifts at the gas station. It feels good to be not surrounded by people all the time, even though his workplace is mostly empty of people, it feels good.

When he’s with Taehyung he doesn’t have to deal with rude customers or his egoistic boss who is expecting way too much for the little money he is earning.

When hes with Taehyung it’s quiet, only hearing crickets, a soft wind blowing by and the spray of the colourful cans. Sometimes accompanied by the sound of Taehyung humming to a song Namjoon isn’t familiar with. It relaxes him; it's always peaceful before the police show up. It’s not always happening, but most of the time, Taehyung seems to be known. He isn’t even sure how he hasn’t been caught yet. That’s just another one of Taehyung's secrets he doesn’t know of.

But he doesn’t mind the run they have to take in order to escape. He kind of likes the adrenaline, the way Taheyung clamps their hands together, holding him tight like he doesn’t want to let him go.

Maybe it’s a little bit dumb to like the possibility of getting in trouble just to be able to hold Taehyung's hand.

But it’s the only time when it seems appropriate to hold hands; when else would they hold hands?

But even after they ran, they’re returning to calmness. When they’re hiding, waiting for the men to pass, they always have to try hard not to giggle, adrenaline still rushing through their veins.

There have been moments where he thought Taehyung would go in for a kiss. But he probably just imagined that, there’s no way he would want that.

Would Namjoon want that?

He’s not sure. Hell, he’s not even sure if he likes boys; he never thought about that possibility. Most of his life he’s been caught up with studies, trying hard to please his parents, getting into big universities, so he never had time to think about things like that.

Sure he’s had a few girlfriends, but never something that lasted long. He mostly only agreed to the relationships with them so he could please his parents.

But none of these girls felt like Taehyung feels. It might sound a bit weird because they’re not actually in a relationship, but it feels different, not quite like a relationship, but also not like friendship. Something else.

Something that goes deeper than friendship, maybe even deeper than a relationship, but without any of the relationship stuff. They don’t kiss, and they definitely don’t have intimacy with each other.

Sure they cuddle sometimes, but it's like it’s normal for them. It should be normal, though Namjoon doesn’t really cuddle with any of his other friends. He’s never been the type of guy to like physical affection.

The more he thinks about it, the more his feelings towards Taehyung start to sound like romantic feelings. But Namjoon doesn’t want that.

He already disappointed his parents enough when he dropped out of university, kicking him out shortly after.

So he moved to Seoul, got a shitty job and a cramped container. At least he made friends along the way.

He often thinks about how he wouldn’t be here today if he didn’t meet his friends. Dark thoughts often cloud his mind. But since he met Taehyung, he doesn’t really think about things like that anymore.

He rather thinks about how pretty his face looks when he’s illuminated by the streetlights, or how pretty his hands look when they’re working over the steel, or how pretty his moles look painting his face.

„Look!“ Namjoon startles slightly, forgotten that someone lies beside him.

He adverts his gaze to where Taehyung is pointing. „A shooting star!“

Namjoon smiles while looking back at him. He can’t seem to take his eyes off Taehyung, the way his eyes sparkle in the moonlight. His face looks so ethereal in the dim light.

„Namjoon quick, make a wish!“

Namjoon finally tears his eyes away from his face and gazes at the night sky, seeing the bright light shoot across the atmosphere. He then closes his eyes to make a wish. But what is he even wishing for?

He thinks quickly, deciding to be friends with Taehyung forever. Friends? He doesn’t know anymore; he just wishes that Taehyung will keep showing up in his life.

Giggles erupt beside him. „Why are you laughing?“ Taehyung still has his eyes closed. „I never saw a shooting star before.“ He opens his eyes now too, turning his head to look at the elder.

Then it happens again, Taehyung's eyes flitting to his lips, only for a second. Namjoon quickly looks back at the stars acting like he didn’t notice anything.

He wonders if Taehyung wants to kiss him sometimes, if he imagines how it would be. Namjoon does that sometimes, even though he would never admit that; he barely even does to himself. But he thinks about that often- sometimes. Only sometimes. And sometimes he thinks about how it would be to be together with Taehyung. If he would pick him up from work, surprising him with flowers, cuddling up under the covers, or watch TV together while stealing kisses.

They’re already doing most of these things; they’re often closer than he would be with his other friends, but he doesn’t know what that means and he doesn’t really want to think about it. He already has enough problems in his life; he doesn’t need another one.

He is pulled from his thoughts when he feels something touching his finger. He looks down, finding Taehyung's pinky hooking in his own. He can’t help but smile down at the connection they share. When he looks up, Taehyung is still gazing at the stars, small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

——

The railway tracks seem to be endless. Namjoon has been walking for a while now, the way to his work feeling way longer than it should.

He’s been thinking about him and Taehyung since yesterday night. The moments under the stars felt so intimate; there’s no way Tahyung didn’t notice it too.

The relationship between them has been confusing, and he spent countless sleepless nights breaking his mind over this topic, but there seems to be no answer. But since yesterday, he thinks he reached his breaking point.

He has to talk with someone about it, or he will lose his mind. Maybe someone who’s in a relationship and has experience. Jungkook? No, Namjoon is sure he would tell someone else, not to do any harm, just because he couldn't keep it to himself.

Maybe Yoongi, Yoongi always gives good advice. Yeah, he should do that. He will call him after work and ask if he can come over and then he will hopefully get his much needed advice on this whole situation.

——

„So, tell me what’s gotten me the honor to be visited by you.“ Namjoon is lying on Yoongi's couch, the positions they’re in reminding him much of his failed attempt at going to therapy during university.

„So I kind of got a problem.“ Namjoon begins gnawing at his lower lip.

„Okay… what’s the problem?“ Yoongi looks at Namjoon from the armchair expectantly. He isn’t sure how to start this; he can’t just be like „Hey, I kinda have a crush on a boy I barely know that I’m sure is not interested in me, can you help?“

He begins fumbling with the end of his t-shirt while trying to find the right words. „You remember that one boy I told you about?“

„Yeah…“

„Well what if I told you we kind of still keep seeing each other?“ He looks over at the other, feeling small under his gaze.

Yoongi hums. „Well I can’t say I expected something else. I still don’t trust him completely, but do what you want; I can’t stop you.

„Yeah well, the problem is that we kinda meet often and I think that yeah I kinda like, I don’t know maybe catched feelings? I don’t know I’m just so confused with this entire situation but I kinda wanna see him all the time and when I do I like I don’t know, maybe wanna be close to him I guess?“

When he’s met with silence, he looks to the side. Yoongi's staring at him in shock, maybe disbelief, he’s not sure.

It feels like he’s been stared at for minutes. „Could you maybe stop gaping at me and like, I don’t know, give me advice or something? I’m starting to think I said something extremely wrong.“

Yoongis jaw closes with a click. He still looks taken aback but seems to gather his thoughts. „I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect all that.“

„Yeah well, what should I do now?“ Namjoon starts to think that this was a bad idea; Yoongi is not being helpful at all and now he embarrassed himself for nothing.

„I don’t know, maybe tell him? That’s the thing people usually do when they like someone.“

Is he being serious right now? „I obviously can’t tell him; he will be disgusted with me and I’ll never see him again.“

„Namjoon why would he be disgusted? I don’t think he would keep seeing you if he were disgusted by you. Maybe you should really tell him; maybe he feels the same.“

Namjoon considers that. „But, wouldn’t it be kinda… wrong?“

„Why would that be wrong?“

„I don’t know. I don’t think my parents would like to hear about me having a boyfriend. I don’t know, it feels kind of weird?“

„Oh Namjoon.“ He’s cooing at the younger now. „Of course it would feel weird; you’ve never been with a man before.“

He seems to think further. „And there’s nothing wrong with that; you don’t have to please your parents, they’re old and have weird views on the world, you shouldn’t listen to them, just do what feels right.“

„Yeah… maybe. But I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet“

„It’s okay, just take your time, but I’m sure you won’t be rejected. You’re a good person. There’s nothing about you that makes you unlikable.“

Namjoon thinks he’s never heard his hyung talk so seriously like that. Maybe he should really tell Taehyung how he feels.

——

It’s a quiet night. Namjoon is leaning against the wall Taehyung is currently spraying paint on. He’s watched the younger boy work, using his delicate fingers to make abstract designs on the old wall.

The cracks running through the now colourful wall don’t seem to bother Taehyung. He seems to be working with them, using them to his advantage.

He likes to admire Taehyung; he never understood how his brain comes up with such ideas and how his hands seem to cooperate so seamlessly.

Cocking his head to the side, he admires his side profile. Taehyung's features seem so sharp, so manly, yet so soft. But the prettiest about him is probably his soul. Namjoon just knows if he were able to see into people's souls, Taehyung's would be the prettiest. It would probably shine with warm golden light or some shit like that.

God when did he become so sappy? That’s probably Taehyung's fault. Namjoon never behaved like this with his girlfriends. And we’ll- maybe that’s something he should put a thought into.

Sometimes he wonders how Taehyung’s even real. Maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s just the product of his stressed and overworked brain hallucinating. That would make a lot more sense.

But he’s real. Because he's stealing the lollipop from between Namjoon's lips, not caring that it was in Namjoon's mouth mere seconds before. He just stands there stunned.

„I’m hungry.“

Taehyungs smiles up at him, gums and teeth on display. God, he’s such a goner, why does his smile have to be so pretty?

Namjoon thinks he could never say no to Taehyung when he’s looking at him like that. Although Namjoon would see no reason to deny Taehyung anything anyway.

Maybe in another universe he and Taehyung would really make a good couple. Maybe in another universe they could love each other freely without the fear of the disappointment of his parents or the fear in general. Namjoon has no idea why he’s so scarred or what he’s so scared of, but he knows that he can’t keep going like that.

Something has to change. Either he finally accepts his feelings and stands by them, or he needs to stop seeing Taehyung because this isn’t good for his mental health. He’s just hurting himself. Maybe it’s some kind of fucked up selfharm coping mechanism.

But it hurt so much. Because when he and Taehyung met, seeing him was making him feel better. He felt like he finally saw the end of the tunnel. It was never meant to go such a way.

But now it has, and he hates himself so much for that. Why does he have to be so disgusting? Namjoon didn’t know that he was capable of hating himself even more, but he thinks he has reached a new level.

„Hey, everything okay?“

Namjoon blinks coming back to reality. While looking at Taehyung, he realizes that he never really could put distance between them. It would hurt so much it would tear him apart. He can’t let another mental health crisis crash in his life. So maybe he just has to get over with it. A rejection would hurt, but not knowing what they could’ve been if he just told Taehyung would hurt him more. So here goes nothing.

„Taehyung I-„

A shrill siren cutting through the quiet night. They both snap their heads to the side, quickly identifying where the loud noise is coming from.

Taehyung turns to Namjoon, just shrugging his shoulders and taking his hand in his. Namjoon stands still for a moment. His mind comes back online at a tug of Taehyungs hand, only then he realizes that they have to run, again.

Namjoon should be mad at Taehyung for putting him through so much trouble, but he’s not. He would do anything to spend time with him. Even if it means running from the police. Sometimes he questions if it’s wrong to think like that; sometimes he thinks he should just stay home or pass Taehyung when he’s on his way home, but then again he just wouldn’t be able to resist him.

Taehyung is tugging Namjoon with him, quickly taking the backpack. Some spray cans fall to the floor, the noise seeming loud in the normally quiet night.

Namjoons heartbeat begins to pick up. He can hear his blood rushing in his ears. He’s used to it now. He knows how to play this right, knows how to not get caught.

He thinks if his parents would see him right now, they’d be so disappointed; his father would probably scream at him, asking what he’s doing with his life, where they went wrong, how they did not teach this kind of son.

He’s used to it now; his father's words used to hurt him much more in the past. But it still hurts something in him knowing he’s a disappointment for the family.

He can hear a train approaching, coming nearer as they pass a bridge. Taehyung takes a sharp turn, almost making Namjoon fall over. They run up a pair of stairs, probably not the best decision considering they’re taking much more time going up stairs than running just straight ahead.

He tries to skip two stairs at once, almost tripping and taking Taheyung with him. It would probably be much smarter to run without holding hands, but who is he to let go of Taehyungs hand?

Taehyung comes to a halt. He seems to be scanning the area, searching for the best way out. Behind them, Namjoon can hear footsteps over the loud drumming of his heartbeat. Taehyung seems to have chosen a small alley, nodding in the direction and starts to run again.

It’s almost romantic he thinks. Trying to squeeze through the small way, holding hands as they are being pushed together by the two walls on both sides of them. It’s almost like they’re running away to start a life together.

Like in those romance movies.

But there’s nothing romantic about the whole situation, because when they reach the end of the small way, a pair of hands grab them.

Namjoons blood freezes in his veins, his whole body going under shock. Before he can even register anything, they’re being pushed against a car. All the air is knocked out of his lungs by the rough handling. The bright blue lights blinding his eyes, the steel under his cheeks cold. When he’s able to focus again, he can see Taehyung's face.

Despite the state of the situation, he’s smiling.

They’ve been caught after countless nights of running and are probably gonna be in big trouble, but Taehyung’s still smiling like nothing matters.

And maybe nothing matters when he’s with Taehyung, because when he looks at him, he can’t help but smile back at the absurd situation they’re in.

Something seems to shift in Taehyung's eyes, his expression unreadable. For a short moment he thinks he actually fucked up and Taehyung will forever hate him for not running fast enough, but he doesn’t seem mad; he just looks so serious all of a sudden.

But he can’t think about that too long because one of the policemen takes the backpack and begins to empty it, all the spray cans spreading on the floor. When Namjoon looks back at the man before him, their eyes lock. His face seems to carry something else now. He’s challenging him.

In a short moment when the police seem distracted, Taehyung pushes, Namjoon is quick to do the same. The grip of the hand holding him down is slipping, the other hand of the police officer busy with emptying the backpack.

Using the moment where they’re confused about what just happened, he begins to run, quickly taking Taehyung with him.

He thought he knew what running away with Taehyung meant, but this is a whole new level. They’re giggling while running next to each other, disappearing into the night.

——

They’re slowing down after what feels like an eternity. He’s sure they ran for a while; they’re now in a place he’s not often been to. They’re still laughing even though it seems hard because of the lack of breath.

While trying to calm down his breath, Namjoon looks at Taehyung. He seems so happy; he thinks he has never seen him like that. He can’t stop smiling like an idiot, did they really just escape the police?

„Wow can’t believe we did that.“

Taehyung’s looking at him now too.

„Yeah...“ His smile seems to slip, morphing into a more serious face.

Suddenly Namjoon remembers what he wanted to tell Taehyung. He’s not going to back up now; it seems like such a good moment, he almost can make himself believe Taehyung will return his feelings.

„Ah, what I wanted to tell you-“

„I think we should head home.“

Namjoon snaps his mouth closed, looking baffled. Taehyung never said that before; he was always the one wanting to keep being outside. He always had a suspicion he doesn’t like his home or family or whatever it is that’s keeping him always out in the night.

„It’s getting late.“

„Yeah, you’re right. I have to work in the morning, so yeah...“

Taehyung just hums.

That’s so weird, what’s gotten into him? Is he going into shock because of too much adrenaline?

„Okay, yeah, so I’m going home; have a good night.“ He takes a turn, rather awkwardly grimacing at himself for the weirdness of the situation.

He doesn’t expect Taehyung to respond, but then he hears a quiet good night from behind him.

——

Namjoons reflection is staring back at him in his dirty bathroom mirror. Does he always look so wrung out? That's probably just his lack of sleep.

Maybe it’s that what’s keeping Taehyung at a distance. Or maybe he’s just too boring, or ugly, or both. He’s probably only getting Taehyung in more problems than he already is. He’s just too much of a mental wreck. Nobody would want that, not his parents, not Taehyung. Maybe they were right; maybe Namjoon really is worthless.

With a sigh he’s pushing himself back from the sink. He needs to get to work; he’s already running late. His thoughts have been running nonstop for the past few days.

Maybe they will meet today. Maybe they just had different schedules. Namjoon knows that’s just an excuse. He knows Taehyung doesn’t have a schedule; he’s always there when Namjoon is walking on his way to work or on the way home, actually at any time of the day, there always seems to be Taehyung there waiting for him, but he’s not.

It’s been days and strangely he hasn’t shown up. The longest they went without each other was one day. That day was already enough to put him in a mental crisis, but the next day Taehyung showed up again as normal. He said he was busy and had „some problems to solve.“ Namjoon still isn’t sure if Taehyung isn't secretly a murderer. Maybe he escaped prison. That would actually make sense.

The past few days have been exhausting. Namjoon hadn’t realized it, but Taehyung made his everyday life a lot easier. Sadly, you only realize what you had when the absence of it affects you.

He thought he was finally doing mentally better, but this made him only realize that he hasn’t improved at all; he’s right where he started, maybe even worse than that. Hell, what even is he without Taehyung? It feels like there’s no before him, only after him, like he gave Namjoon the life he needed all along.

Maybe they will meet today.

——

Namjoon stares at the open door. It’s been a quiet day; mostly no customers have been visiting the gas station. His life is actually boring; that he has realized in the past few weeks. When there’s no one waiting for him to end his shift, his life seems meaningless. Why is he even going to work? To make money to feed himself. But why feed himself? He doesn’t see any sense in this anyway.

Namjoon knows it’s getting bad again. He knows he probably should talk to his friends about it, but he’s too ashamed. He’s depended on a person that he doesn’t even really know. He doesn’t even know where he lives. Maybe he should just start searching, knock on every door in Seoul and ask people if they know him. Yeah right, now he’s finally lost it.

He takes a glance at the clock. It’s already six in the evening. Just one more hour and he can leave this hell place.

——

He knows he should go home. He definitely should go home; he’s tired and just wants to sleep, but something's drifting him to the empty parking lot Taehyung showed him. He just wants to look at the beautiful view, not because he’s missing Taehyung. It’s like his feet are carrying him without him having to move them, like his body just know where it belongs to.

Tears start to dwell on his lash line, his throat closing up. God, why does he have to be so emotional? He’s been so on edge constantly, why can’t he just show up? Maybe the police finally got him, but why him? Why not Namjoon? Taehyung wouldn’t deserve that.

Looking to the side, he can already see the sun setting. A beautiful mix of pinks, reds and yellows is painting the sky. Reminds him of Taehyung's art. He could paint that too, probably even better than it looks at the sky.

——

Fighting himself through the last few branches that are keeping the way hard to get through, Namjoon finds something he didn’t expect to find.

Or better someone.

Taehyung sitting there illuminated by the lights, staring out at the distance. The look on his face has Namjoon never seen before. Taehyung's face looks so blank, the usual smirk that seems to always be on his face gone. Oh god, that must be something serious.

Quickly moving out of his trance, he begins to walk the rest of the way to the younger. From this distance he can see the look on his face even better. He looks hurt. Who hurt him? Hopefully not Namjoon.

Taehyung doesn’t seem to sense Namjoon's presence because he noticeably frightenes when Namjoon goes to sit beside him. The look Taehyung gives him makes Namjoon want to cradle his cheeks in his hands and tell him that everything is okay. But he doesn’t do that. Instead, he just stares. The look on Namjoon's face is probably not better than the one that’s painting Taehyung's .

„You’re here.“

Taehyungs voice sounds so broken, like he’s made of glass and will break every second. It hurts Namjoon so much seeing him like this.

It feels like time stopped, none of them moving. The first tear slips down Taehyung's cheek. Namjoon wants to wipe it away; he wants to ask what’s wrong, what’s going on, but it all feels like too much; he doesn’t want to overwhelm him.

„Yeah.“

It seems so dumb; Namjoon can’t form any words, what do you say in such a situation? His parents never really comforted him so what the hell do you say now?

„Didn’t see you for a while, thought the police finally got you.“

And that seems to be the thing that made Taehyung finally break. Erupting in sobs, he goes to hug Namjoon. With a little bit too much force, because Namjoon's breath is knocked out of his lungs. The world tilts, and suddenly they’re lying on the ground.

Taehyungs fingers are gripping his shirt like it’s the only way to survive. Slightly overwhelmed with the position change, Namjoon just lies there and lets Taehyung cry. Slowly he brings his arms up.

It feels good to hold Taehyung like this. He doesn’t even think when he’s doing it, moving his right arm up to Taehyung's head and stroking his hair. Taehyung only begins to nuzzle his face more in the crook of his neck.

——

Namjoon doesn’t know when they started walking, but they do. After Taehyung cried his eyes out for what felt like hours, he apologized and got up. Namjoon, not wanting to lose him again, quickly shushed him and said it’s okay. And now they’re walking and talking about everything, everything but the real question. He still doesn’t know why Taehyung was absent or why he cried, but he feels like asking will not help him. He will talk about it when he feels like it and maybe Namjoon doesn’t want to know why they haven’t seen each other because even if the assumption seems dumb, maybe Taehyung just wanted space and Namjoon really hopes that that’s not the case.

But that thought of his really seems to be stupid because after many moments of their arms and hands bumping, Taehyung links their fingers together. Namjoon stares at their hands, not believing what just happened. It’s like those moments he definitely doesn’t imagine before bed every night. He just thinks about scenarios because they calm him and he can sleep better afterward, yeah that’s it.

Looking back up, he can see Taehyung going shy himself, a small smile tugging at his lips. There’s even a hint of redness showing up on Taehyung's cheeks, cute. But surely he didn’t fluster him; he’s surely just cold. Taehyung is avoiding his gaze, looking intently at the ground. Maybe Namjoon should start doing that too because he’s tripping over a stone because he can’t keep his stupid eyes off the man walking next to him.

Taehyung is quick to catch him, helping Namjoon get back on his feet. Namjoon's not sure if he’s suddenly feeling so tingly because of the almost fall or because that's probably the most body contact with Taehyung he's ever had.

„You should be more careful; scratching yourself on these rocks can be pretty painful.“

Namjoon is not sure if he spoke now words that make sense would come out of his mouth, so he just stays silent and hums in acknowledgment.

Taehyung keeps holding his arm even after Namjoon is walking safely again. He smiles, a warm feeling coursing through him starting from his heart, when he feels their fingers intertwining again.

Namjoons stomach grumbles and he remembers that he should go home and eat something. Looking at the sky, he can see the sun has set completely, he hold Taehyung while crying much longer than he thought.

„It’s getting late; I can bring you home if you want.“

Taehyungs steps visibly falter at that.

„Already? Don’t you want to walk a little longer? I mean, I don’t have to be home any time soon.“

That’s weird, he was never the one to head home early, but he also never asked to hang out longer after Namjoon suggested heading home.

„Uh, I mean I would, but I just got off from a shift and I’m still in my work clothes and haven’t eaten yet.“

„Oh- okay, I just- yeah okay, I’ll go home. I don’t want to bother you.“

The fear in Taehyung's voice worried him. What's gotten into him? It honestly made him change his mind; no way would he leave Taehyung alone now. He has no idea why he doesn’t want to part ways, but the reason for his behavior seems to be serious.

„No, no, if you don’t want to go, you can come with me, no worries.“

„Are you sure? I really don’t want to bother you; I can just stay here. It's really okay.“

Stay here? Why doesn’t he just go home? But Namjoon doesn’t ask that, because he senses the answer to be too personal for him to say now.

„As I said, no worries, I’m happy to have company.“ Namjoon tries his best to force his face into a smile, the whole situation confusing him.

„Okay thank you, really.“

Namjoon began walking in the direction of his home at that.

„I just really don’t want to be alone.“ He almost didn’t hear Taehyung's words, his voice so quiet now.

His heart broke at that. What on earth happened in the time they were parting ways? It’s like a switch flipped in Taehyung; the usual confident and cocky Taehyung now shy and acting like a frightened animal. All that mattered to him now was to keep him safe in his home, whatever it was that was causing him to act such ways.

——

The tension seems even thicker once they walked back to Namjoon's home. He decides to just act like everything’s like always and heads for a shower before reheating the food from yesterday.

„It’s not much. I can’t really cook and I don’t really have the money to, you know…“

„Oh no, no, the food is fine, really.“

They’re standing closely together by the kitchen counter, Taehyung's eyes following Namjoon's every move. He already seems to be devouring the food with his eyes. Namjoon doesn’t really think the food looks that good; he must be really hungry.

When he goes to grab two plates from his cupboard, hands moving unconsciously close to Taehyung's head, Taehyung winces.

„Sorry.“ he says immediately, even tho he’s done nothing wrong.

„No, what? You don’t have to apologize; you didn’t do anything.“

„I’m sorry I’m just so-„

„It’s okay, I’m here now.“

Taehyung looks shyly away at that. Namjoon hates to see him like that. It’s nothing like his usual self.

The microwave beeps. They both reach for the handle.

„Sorry.“ Namjoon quickly says, not wanting Taehyung to apologize again.

——

They finished eating the food, now sitting on the couch watching some random show on his old TV. Though he isn’t really sure what the show is about. He’s sure Taehyung doesn’t know either since he’s been gnawing on his fingernails and bouncing his leg for most of the time. Namjoon doesn’t think they ever had held so much distance while sitting on his couch, but he doesn’t want to be the one to break the distance. It’s really weird seeing Taehyung sitting at the other end of the couch when they usually sit closely together. That’s one of the things they don’t talk about but Namjoon breaks his head about.

Maybe Taehyung met some other boy and that’s why he’s keeping his distance. Maybe that was why he wouldn’t show up. He surely found someone better than Namjoon; who would even want to spend time with him?

But that though seems to be too abstract. Taehyung's obviously unwell; he should think about how to make him feel better instead of getting jealous over a probably nonexistent person.

He think it’s worth a try.

„Do you like the show?“

„Huh?“

„The show we’re watching.“ So Taehyung wasn’t paying attention either.

„Uh- sorry, I haven’t really paid attention.“

Namjoon lightly chuckles at that. „It’s okay; I haven’t really paid attention either.“

Taehyung just nods while picking a loose thread at the end of the blanket he threw over himself.

„You know if you want to talk about anything or need something, you can always tell me.“

„Mhm I know.“ He still picks at the thread, keeping his gaze fixed on it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

„Taehyung I‘m serious.“

That made Taehyung raise his head, now holding eye contact. „I know hyung, I‘m okay.“ He said now in a more serious tone, like he was trying to make himself seem though.

„Im sorry, I don’t want to assume anything or make you uncomfortable, but flinching when I’m just raising my hand in your direction isn’t normal and makes it seem like you’re not okay. Also, you seem to be unwell since I found you sitting at the parking lot. I don’t want to sound like you’re not allowed to be an independent person, but we’ve met almost every day over the past months and now you’re a few days away and after I find you again, you start acting really weird. I just want you to be okay; please don’t take this as an attack.“

„I’m- I‘m just so scared.“ His voice so quiet now.

„Of what?“

„My father.“

Okay, now Namjoon finally knows something about the whole situation.

„It’s just- really complicated. I can’t explain, but I don’t want to go home. Please don’t make me leave.“ He’s almost begging now, fear clear in his voice. „I don’t want to go back there again, but I also don’t know where else to go- I just know that I can’t stay there.“

„Hey, it’s okay, calm down. You can stay here if you want.“ Namjoon moves closer to him, trying to comfort him. To his surprise, Taehyung doesn’t move away and instead comes closer himself too.

„You really mean it? I won’t bother you?“ He’s looking at him with big eyes now.

„Yes why not? I’m lonely all the time anyway; I’d be happy coming back from work to someone waiting for me at home.“ Taehyung was waiting for him after his shifts anyway, but he doesn’t need to say that.

Taehyung goes to hug Namjoon. A little „oof“ leaving his mouth. This is the second time now Taehyung surprised him with a hug today.

„You don’t know how thankful I am. Really, I don’t deserve you.“ Namjoon thinks if he hugs him any harder, he will lose consciousness.

He lets himself enjoy the hug now. He made Taehyung feel better. He doesn’t even want to think about what’s going on in his life, but he’s happy to see that he’s helping him so much.

Taehyung nuzzles his face in the crook of his neck while holding Namjoon like his life is depending on it. He can hear Taehyung start to sob silently, shaking in his arms. He wants to comfort him better now, not like a few hours ago when they just layed on the ground. He gently goes to stroke his hair with one hand while rubbing his back gently with the other. After a while he can feel him growing more silent. He’s probably tired, the whole day weighing on him. Slowly he takes the blanket Taehyung had draped over himself a few moments ago, covering them both with it. He gently takes Taehyung with him and lays them both down more comfortably.

They keep lying like that, holding each other for minutes until Taehyung stops crying and his breath evens out. Namjoon places a little kiss on top of his head and pulls the blanket up so that Taehyung's body is covered completely.

——

When Namjoon awakes, he’s disoriented. He looks around and quickly comes to the conclusion that he must have fallen asleep on the couch. But when he tries to move, he feels something heavy lying on him. Confused, he looks down on himself, trying to let his eyes adjust to the still dark room. When he hears the soft snores, he remembers. Taehyung telling him about his father. Namjoon telling him he can stay with him. Taehyung hugging Namjoon and crying in his arms. They must have fallen asleep.

When he goes to look for his phone, he finds it on the coffee table. Looking at the time, he can see that he has one hour until his next shift. He really hates his job schedule. Deciding he still has enough time later to get ready, he lies back down.

He finally has time to admire Taehyung's beauty completely. He can only see a little because it’s still dark outside, but that doesn’t bother. There’s a soft light shimmer coming from the moon shining on Taehyung's face. He looks so soft in his sleep, so peaceful.

His head is slowly moving, lying on Namjoon's chest, with the steady breaths of him. The cheek he’s lying on is puffed out, and he’s drooling down Namjoon's shirt. He thinks he’s never seen something more lovable.

It feels really good to have Taehyung cuddling with him without having the fear of being too much. He thinks he’s never slept better in his life. He feels so comfortable with Taehyung lying on him, making his heart feel warm. Namjoon softly combs his fingers through his hair and Taehyung lets out a little sigh in his sleep at that.

While looking at the younger, he realizes how much he means to him. He will never want to have him leave him again. Even though it was just a few days, the days without Taehyung were hell.

He slowly takes his hands to Taehyung's arms, which are still hugging him, and lets his fingers graze the soft skin. The sleeve of his shirt has ridden up his sleep, showing deep purple and red bruises.

„Oh my god.“ Namjoon whispers, trying not to wake him.

He gently runs his fingers over them, the soft touch already enough to make Taehyung wince in his sleep. He feels like it all comes crashing over him. Namjoon knew he was in a difficult situation, but he didn’t realize how bad it really was.

He couldn’t keep lying there seeing the evidence of Taehyung's suffering. So he tries to gently part their limbs while trying not to disturb the sleep of the other.

Now he’s standing in front of his bathroom mirror again, his reflection staring back at him while brushing his teeth. Like yesterday, just that today he finally met Taehyung. Not like he expected to meet him, but still.

And he’s now living with him, or whatever it is that is happening right now. And he’s sleeping on his couch. And he probably will be sleeping on his couch. Namjoon will see him every day again, and he doesn’t know what that will mean for them. He feels like he should be grateful, but weirdly he’s not. He didn’t expect to meet Taehyung in the state he was in.

Sighing he spits out the toothpaste and takes one last glance at the mirror before stepping out into the what you could call living room. Taehyung still seems to be fast asleep.

After he changed his clothes, Namjoon was just about to take his coat and key to leave when Taehyung makes a small, confused sound.

„Hyung?“ It really looks cute when you just see his puffy face poking up from the armrest.

„Where are you going?“ Taehyung's face is carrying a confused and irritated look while his hair is sticking in all directions from sleeping on the couch.

„I have to work again. My shift is in 15 minutes; sorry to leave you here alone.“ Namjoon tries to soften his voice. He really doesn’t want to leave, but he has to. Fuck his job.

„Please don’t leave me.“

„I won’t leave you; I’ll come back later.“

„You promise?“

„I promise.“ At that he seems to calm down a little.

„Okay I’ll wait here for you.“

„Okay. Foods in the fridge uh- it’s not really much, but I think it’s enough. Just make yourself at home; you can watch TV if you want to.“

With that Taehyung lays back down and Namjoon takes it as his cue to leave.

——

After the first few days, they get used to living with each other. It actually doesn’t feel as weird as Namjoon thought I would be. It’s actually kinda nice having Taehyung around him all day. Except when he’s working, of course, but that quickly changed too because he would start visiting Namjoon because he „felt too lonely at home.“ Namjoon's stomach did a weird twist at the word "home" leaving Taehyung's mouth. He’s calling Namjoon's home his. Their home.

He would often just sit with him or walk through the aisles of the few groceries they sell. But most of the time when there were no customers around, they would talk. He feels like he finally knows more about Taehyung. Crazy how much time you can spend with a human without actually really knowing him. He still doesn’t want to talk about his prior living situation, but that’s okay. He doesn’t have to share everything; Namjoon just hopes one day he feels comfortable enough to open up to him.

As good as all of this feels, them spending almost every minute together also makes his thoughts way worse than they used to. Like now he’s lying in his bed, Taehyung probably already fast asleep on the couch. When they used to meet up, they parted their ways afterwards and he had time to be alone and think about their relationship between them and sometimes just distract himself and now it’s like his problems are shoved directly in his face.

Taehyung is probably totally unaware of all of Namjoon's feelings. Whatever these may be, romantic or not, but they’re much more than he’s ever felt for someone else. Taehyung has probably never once thought about Namjoon the way he thinks of him. And that tears him apart, why has it to hurt so much? He just wants to be able to function normally in Taehyung's presence why does it have to hurt so fucking much? It's always like there’s too much distance between them, like maybe that would cure the hurting in his heart, like he just needs to feel Taehyung on a much deeper level. Is this what love feels like?

His vision is becoming blurry, his throat closing up, the window he was staring out now just looking like blurry dots. It breaks his heart knowing the possibility of them actually coming together is close to impossible. Why can’t Taehyung just be a girl? He’s probably going to die alone and miserable and even if he finds another partner, he will probably never stop thinking about him and that just wouldn’t be fair to them. If this is what love feels like, Namjoon will probably never be able to love anyone else. How should he when his feelings for Taehyung are so big and confusing?

But he’s so selfish too because why is he just thinking about his own problems when Taehyung probably has much bigger ones? He’s probably been abused by his father and had to live with him all this time, while Namjoon is just thinking about his crush on him like it’s the world's biggest problem. It definitely feels like it is.

The fair light that’s coming from the open door in his bedroom moves and a few moments later he feels someone crawling into bed next to him. Namjoon can feel Taehyung's soft breathing hitting his neck when he hugs Namjoon's body. He holds his own breath because he feels like if he were to even make the tiniest wrong move, Taehyung will turn around and stop cuddling up to him. Is he even aware that he’s still awake? He probably thinks Namjoon is already asleep but couldn’t sleep himself, so he just decided to come lay with Namjoon.

Probably because the couch is the most comfortable thing in the world. But he’s enjoying the cuddling nevertheless. When Taehyung's breathing starts to sound suspiciously calm, he decides to turn around. It’s probably a bit risky because if he thinks wrong and he’s still awake, that would mean that they would just stare at each other. What would you even say in that situation? But to Namjoon's luck, Taehyung really is asleep, so he gets the chance to stare at his face, hurting his feelings even more looking at what he can’t have. Namjoon wraps his own arms around Taehyung's torso, careful not to wake him. After taking one last glance at his face, he closes his own eyes. Sleep comes embarrassingly fast.

——

They never talked about it. When Namjoon wakes in the morning, Taehyung is gone, lying on the couch watching some TV like nothing happened. Like maybe Namjoon just imagined all this. Tiredly, he’s rubbing his eyes, looking at his phone. Two texts from Yoongi, asking if they want to meet with the others on the beach. Namjoon doesn’t remember the last time he hung out with all of his friends.

He’s not the closest friends with the rest of them, mostly just Yoongi and Jungkook since they’ve become a couple. But Yoongi is one of his best friends since forever, so he tolerates their monthly or so meetups with the whole group. If not for Yoongi, he would probably spend all his time rotting in his bed alone if he’s not busy with working. But today's a Saturday; he doesn’t have anything to do anyway.

Taehyung doesn’t have to do anything. And he’s probably pretty bored since there’s not much they do together.

Taehyung hasn’t gone out to wander through the tracks and spray some graffiti ever since he moved in with Namjoon. He just now notices the weirdness of it. But Taehyung has been pretty much weird ever since the last time they were out.

So maybe it would be smart to bring him into the group. He already lives in Namjoon's home, so why not introduce them to his friends?

He’s only scared of Yoongi because he knows the situation between them. What if he accidentally says the wrong things and Taehyung will know what’s up? That Namjoon has feelings for him and then he would be disgusted by that and never talk to Namjoon again and leave him alone forever and he will never be able to love anyone else again- okay that’s maybe a bit exaggerated.

But he can’t keep hiding at home in his little container forever. So he asks if he’s interested in meeting the others. Surprisingly, he seems pretty shy at the suggestion, not like his normal outgoing persona, but in the end he agrees.

So Namjoon texts Yoongi that he’s coming. With Taehyung.

Yoongi seems pretty happy about that, wanting to finally see the boy which has got Namjoon's feelings all twisted. Yoongi quickly informs the others, deciding to meet this afternoon on the beach near one of his friends, Jin's house.

——

The first meeting of them actually goes well; everyone quickly accepted Taehyung into the group, although he seemed pretty nervous about meeting the others. They’re currently sitting around a campfire eating snacks and all laughing about something Namjoon wasn’t able to keep track of because he couldn’t stop looking at Taehyung.

He looks a little lost, but he’s trying his best to fit in anyway. Namjoon's gaze shifts to Yoongi and Jungkook. They’ve been together for almost a year now and Namjoon never had such an issue with them being close together, but now, since he himself wishes to be in a similar position with Taehyung, it’s really hard to not envy them.

They look so comfortable with each other, all the little touches look so casual on them. It makes him think of yesterday when Taehyung had slept in his bed.

It’s been roughly a month now since he moved in and it still feels like nothing changes. He thought maybe them often being close together would change something between them, but it didn’t. Maybe it really is hopeless. And the worst of all is he will have to see Taehyung all the time now. It usually would be a good thing, a very good thing even, but all it does is shove his unreturned feelings deeper in his throat.

He looks back at the younger, catching him staring at him too. Taehyung's lips lift into a little smile. He can’t do this; he has to go somewhere else. He’s quickly scrambling to his legs, dusting some sand off his pants.

No one really sees him leaving, sitting nearer to the ocean, hugging his legs in his arms, and resting his head on them, except Taehyung. Of course.

He can hear his almost silent footsteps in the sand and already knows it’s him. Quietly he sits himself next to Namjoon, softly looking at him, trying to read his feelings. How can he look at him with so much love in his eyes and not feel anything for him? How should Namjoon not be catching feelings when he’s looking at him that way?

The way they’re sitting next to each other kinda reminds him of the time Taehyung first showed him the parking lot. Thinking about it, he’s kinda missing just meeting him in the night, watching him create art with graffiti and then running together. Back then he was just a shadow he would sometimes catch and after he would come home, it would feel like it was a dream. Since then he's been looking more worn out. Thinking about it, Taehyung always looked a bit tired. Namjoon thought it was just because of the times he would be out instead of sleeping, but now thinking deeper into it, he starts to suspect it has more of a deeper reason.

Before Taehyung could ask him why Namjoon was leaving when all his friends were still sitting together, he asks first.

„Why don’t you go out anymore? I mean, I would meet you so often I thought you had a really big love for creating artpieces?“

Taehyung tiredly smiles at that. To Namjoon it still looks like the most beautiful one.

„It’s a nice way to say it. And I do like it, but the main reason why I was always out was because of my father.“

Namjoon takes a deep breath at that.

„I tried to spend as little time at home as possible. I didn’t want to be in his presence, I just wanted to be left alone.“ He senses that Namjoon was about to speak, to apologize for robbing his alone time from him, but Taehyung was quick to add. „But then I met you, and that was okay. I liked spending the time with you. I like spending time with you now too.“ He adds the last part in a whisper.

„I’m sorry to hear that. And I like spending time with you too.“

At that Taehyung directs his gaze to the ocean while smiling to himself. „Good then the feeling's mutual.“

Namjoon wishes he would have said that in another context.

After sitting and looking at the waves crashing into the beach for a while, Taehyung begins to speak again.

„Sometimes I still ask myself if he’s doing okay.“

Namjoon tears his gaze from the sun setting above the ocean. „Mhm?“

„My father.“

Taehyung doesn’t dare to direct his eyes on Namjoon and rather stares at the scene before him.

„Because, you know- he hasn’t always been like this. And even tho he lets me feel like shit and like I’m not worth anything, I still sometimes wonder if he’s okay, because he’s still my father after all. Just a really shitty one.“

It looks like his eyes are starting to get wet, the colours reflecting on his eyes.

„When I was a kid, he used to be nice, like a normal person. He sometimes drank and even then he was scary, but it didn’t happen so often. But then when I lost my mom, it got worse. Since then I can’t remember a full day when he has been sober.“

Namjoon doesn’t know if it’s appropriate to speak or how to comfort him. So he just chooses to let Taehyung talk it out.

„He’s always yelling and blaming me for everything when I’m home and then when I try to not be home so often, he also gets mad at me for being out so long. The longer I’m out, the more I’m scared to come home. There hasn’t been a day when I have been able to have peace.“

The tear escapes his eye and runs down his cheek. Namjoon has to hold himself back to not wipe it away with his thumb. He still has no idea what to say or even how to process it, so he just pulls Taehyung in his arms.

„It’s okay; you don’t have to go home anymore.“

„I never even really considered it my home.“ Taehyung says silently.

„I’m really grateful to have you. I just sometimes wonder if he knows that I’m okay because I’m not coming back anymore or if he- he thinks that I did something to myself. And maybe he wouldn’t even care.“

„I’m sure he would care. I would care.“

——

It’s night when Namjoon feels something moving in his bed. The clock on his bedside table tells him it’s only 1 in the morning. For a short second he’s confused but then he remembers the familiar warmth of Taehyung's body. He’s been sneaking into Namjoon's bed ever since it happened the first time.

Usually they would just lie beside each other, but tonight Namjoon can feel Taehyung's forehead pressing against his back and his hands sneaking up Namjoon‘s sides.

Namjoon lets out a shuddered breath before trying to calm his nerves. He imagined this happening so often. Especially after the first night Taehyung slept in his bed. But experiencing it feels different because they didn’t actually put a label on them like in those scenarios he makes up.

He stays awake thinking about what he did wrong in his life to deserve this torture of having something he craves so close yet so far away.

——

It’s a few days later. Staring at his rusting ceiling, he can’t stop thinking about a certain man currently lying on his couch napping. Taehyung is consuming his whole life; he doesn’t remember a time when he wasn't constantly plaguing his mind. If he’s right there, then why is he still beyond Namjoons reach?

Namjoon thought of all kinds of solutions; it’s like his mind is unable to think about anything else. Maybe he needs to resort to old methods. Maybe Yoongi will be the solve of this puzzle.

He picks up his phone and searches for Yoongi's contact.

„Yah- you never call, what is it now?“

„Hello to you too.“

Yoongi just huffs at the other end of the line.

„Uh- I- can we talk?“

„Namjoon are you pregnant?“

„What no-„ He starts to think this was a bad idea; he should’ve called someone else.

„I’ve just thought a bit over the situation I’ve got going on- actually I thought a lot about it and- and I don’t think I can do it much longer. It's been nagging at me since forever and now that he’s always around me, I just can’t bear it anymore.“

„You just wanna throw him out or what?“

Namjoon’s hand tries to rub away the headache that has started to form in his forehead. „No I could never do that. I don’t even know where he would go, that wouldn’t be safe.“

He looks up when he hears the door creak.

There he sees Taehyung looking small in his dark hoodie he’s wearing. His eyes widen when he realizes he’s been caught eavesdropping, but before Namjoon could even react, he’s already out of sight.

„Wait Tae- what-„

He almost falls trying to get out of his bed and stop whatever Taehyung is trying to do.

„No it’s okay; you don’t want me here, no one wants me. I’m used to it, really; it’s okay, I get it.“

Namjoon has never seen anyone putting on their shoes so urgently.

„Taehyung no- I don’t want you to leave; please just listen to me.“

It’s like Taehyung went deaf, making an effort to get out of here hastily and as fast as possible. Before he could even try to calm him down, Taehyung is already out of his home, shutting the door with a loud bang.

What the fuck.

What are you even supposed to do in this kind of situation?

After taking some seconds to process everything, Namjoon decides it’s best to go look for Taehyung. He can’t be that far, right?

——

The moon is shining bright in the late night sky, spending Namjoon some light. It’s the only thing that’s guiding him through the dark early hours.

He’s been looking everywhere; there can’t be another place where Taehyung is hiding.

It reminds him much of the situation not even long ago, where he just disappeared for seemingly no reason. Or for a reason Namjoon still isn’t known of.

He can’t walk much longer; he probably has been going without a break for more than an hour. He forgot his phone in the haste of everything, so he doesn’t even know what time it is.

It feels like an endless search, like he’s just been walking without a goal in sight.

But he must be somewhere; he can’t lose him again.

Out of breath, he sits down on a rock and tries to think logically. He’s been walking around the area of the container, he’s been to the gas station, he’s even been to the end of the railway tracks where they’ve escaped the police. He’s been walking for so long he’s almost at the beach where they met with his friends a few days ago.

Deciding there’s no other place to look for Taehyung, he decides to look at the beach as well; it’s the only place left where he could be.

The way the moon is illuminating the ocean looks mesmerizing, not as mesmerizing as looking into Taehyung's eyes tho.

In the distance, Namjoon can see something looking kinda like a rock or a person. He really hopes it’s the latter, so he starts walking faster, almost tripping over his own feet. The closer he gets, the more he can see the familiar person sitting on the sand.

When he’s in reach, Namjoon can’t think straight anymore, so the first thing he does is falling to his knees and pulling Taheyung into his arms. He lets out the deepest breath he ever held, all the worries leaving his body as Namjoon cradles Taehyung's body in his hands.

„Why did you leave me?“ The words only muffled because of how deep Namjoon is burrowing his face into Taehyung's neck.

Instead of an answer, he starts to sob uncontrollably and holding onto Namjoon as if his life depends on it.

„I thought you didn’t want me.“

Namjoons not sure if he means him in his house or in general, but both would be wrong. He could never not want Taehyung.

He’s so sick of making him think otherwise. He’s so sick of lying to himself.

„I love you.“

„What?“

„I never could hate you.“

They’re sitting separately now, looking at each other. It might just be the night sky reflecting, but Namjoon thinks he can see the whole universe when he looks in Taehyung's eyes.

„Why did you search after me?“

„Taehyung, I mean it.“

He takes a deep breath before beginning to speak again.

„From the first moment I saw you, I think I caught feelings. Maybe it was just a stupid crush at first, but as time went by, I realized I really like you, and- I’m scared, probably just like you are. I’ve never- I think I have loved you for a long time; I just wasn’t aware what love feels like.

Taehyung looks like he’s going through all emotions at once, confusion, relief, euphoria written all over his face.

„I don’t understand-„

„I know I can’t give you much; I don’t have much money, I can’t give you stability.“

„As if that would matter to me.“

Namjoon looked for him so long that the sun is already rising, emerging from the bottom of the ocean and bringing light into the still dark sky. But he doesn’t pay too much attention to the beautiful sunrise happening right in front of his eyes because Taehyung's already his light in his dark nights.

„I’m sorry I ran away again.“

„It’s-„

„No, let me talk.“

Taehyung takes a deep breath, just like Namjoon did a few moments ago.

„I’m sorry that I made you look for me. I was just so mad. I thought I finally found a place where I can feel safe, and then-„

„You didn’t hear the whole thing. I said I can’t live with you anymore because my feelings for you were getting so big I couldn't bear it anymore. There aren’t enough words to describe the love I feel for you.“

„I’m sorry, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that, but I think I owe you a big explanation. The reason why I disappeared the first time was because I was so scared. My father saw us two.“

„Oh.“

„Yeah, and he put two and two together and realized that you’re the reason I’m always coming home late.“

Taehyung begins picking up some sand and letting it seep through his fingers just to pick it up again.

„We’re those bruises because of me?“

The silence was enough answer for him. Never has Namjoon ever felt so guilty.

„I’m so sorry.“ His voice is only a silent whisper now, almost blending in with the silent breeze of the air.

„You don’t have to be; he would’ve hit me anyway. You were just another reason of many for him. But when he realized, he told me we can’t see each other anymore. I really wanted to see you again, but I couldn’t. And I’m so sorry for that. The realization that I could never be with you freely made me so sad I didn’t want to live anymore. I almost-„

„Hey it’s okay.“ Namjoon is taking him into a hug again.

„Do you think I’m like him?“

How could he ever think that? Taehyung is one of the nicest people he knows, how could he think that of himself?

„Never, I don’t know him, but I can tell you you’re nothing like him.“

He leans his head against Namjoon's shoulder, just like they did a few weeks ago when Namjoon still wasn’t sure about his feelings for Taehyung. But he’s sure now.

„I love you too.“

Namjoon never thought he would hear these words coming from his mouth directed at him.

„I think I fell for you the night they almost caught us. I wanted to tell you my feelings much sooner, but I couldn’t, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew we would have no future together. But I’m sure now.“

Slowly he leans in.

Namjoon is holding his breath; they’re so close that Taehyung's face looks blurry.

When their lips touch, it feels like Namjoon is born again. Like his brain needs time to connect new brain cells to form the emotions he’s feeling.

When they part again, Taehyung leans his forehead against Namjoons.

„You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to belong to. I’m sorry we wasted so much; time, I should’ve been braver.“

„Taehyung, we have all the time to make it up. And I promise you you won’t ever have to go back to that place. You’re safe with me.“

At that they close the distance again.