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Chapter Text

The air around James felt thick, like a heavy bubble, making every single noise around him sound far, stuffy, and muffled. He could hear people talking, shoes pressing on the wood floor, doors opening and closing, hinges, and voices. But nothing was consistent enough to make him get away from that bubble. The three days since that night passed too fast; James didn’t know when he slept – or if he ever did – if he ate, or how he got dressed. How did he move from one place to the other? He also didn’t know. James had no idea how he got away from Lily’s cold body, but suddenly he wasn’t hugging her anymore. No idea who organized a funeral, who dressed him, but he was there, standing in front of her grave with her family and their friends. The ones who survived. 

James knew he cried a lot, he could feel his glasses on the top of his head, meaning he was too lazy to go back to seeing straight if his vision was getting blurry again and again, and again by tears. His body and head felt heavy and weightless at the same time. Sitting down on the sofa in his late parents' house, James couldn’t move a finger; it was too hard, and his hands were busy holding the small yellow and white blanket Harry had been wearing three days ago. And letting that small piece of fabric out of his hands seemed like letting his small baby go once again. There wasn’t a person he blamed more than himself. 

Knowing the whole situation they were in, leaving Lily alone at that house was insanity, but she was supposed to be safe. And the only other person he loved like a family member appeared to be in danger, James had to save him. If he only knew. Getting to the empty location and having the sudden realization was the worst feeling James had ever felt. His friend wasn’t hurt; he wasn’t even there. And then his heart sank, because at that moment he knew, even apparating, he wouldn’t be fast enough. The door was busted open, and the house was dead silent; all the furniture was torn apart, leading up the steps and going up. Lily was at first sight, on the floor, eyes still open. The first love of his life, his best friend, his girl. At his first scream, the Order appeared, scanning the place, shouting, and making sure no one was there. Then his heart sank again, because he didn’t hear any crying. Harry was gone, but no body was left behind. 

James was with her all the time, asking for his son, confused, and then they let him know what happened. The betrayal, the plan, how his best friend orchestrated everything. It didn’t seem real; nothing of that could ever be real. How? Life sure was difficult, the war, the attacks, friends gone… But how could he lose his wife, son, and best friend in one day? James's head was a mess, and it stopped working the moment they took Lily to be cared for until the funeral the next day. He cried, hugged people, let people hug him, and spent most of his time with Remus. They didn’t have the chance to talk, but he could see the sadness and emptiness in his eyes. 

The day after the funeral, at his parents’ home, what remained of the Order reunited again. And now, alone on the sofa, hearing muffled sounds, James was still cuddling his son’s blanket, and letting them work on whatever they wanted to. It was too soon; Harry’s baby smell was still on it, and so was Lily’s perfume. His heart ached in a way he was sure no one in the world would ever understand how much it hurt. 

“James!” Arthur’s voice came loud and clear enough to have James look up and hear anything for the first time that day. He couldn’t see him well, but he knew that red blur was him by his friendly tone. “Did you hear what we said?”

“No. What is it?” Arthur was a good friend; he and Molly visited a lot with the bunch of kids. James couldn’t look at them and think about what he had lost. And before the redhead could continue, Moody appeared out of nowhere, tired as it seemed.

“We are leaving, kid. There’s no need for us to keep you here, worried, with our limited resources. You should rest.” 

“I’m fine. We need to find Harry.” That was James’s number one priority and the only thing that got him sane enough. After not finding his son’s body at the scene, he was sure Harry was still alive somewhere, and the Order agreed. Seemed out of place to see Lily, but not the baby. 

“We have people searching, but it ain’t easy. You-know-who has his minions working hard for him. If they have Harry, they won’t let us find it without a fight first.”

“Alright. Then, where can we begin? Let’s fight then.”

“Not today.”

“I’m not staying here while my son is out there, if that's what you’re suggesting.” 

“You need to clear your head.”

“I need to find my son!” 

James got up, shoving the blanket in the pocket of his pants and stepping up in front of Moody. One time in his life, he thought the auror seemed kinda scary and, well, weird, but now nothing matters. He would step up to Dumbledore if it was needed. 

“We’ll find him. I just told you, lad, people are searching and gathering information for us.”

It wasn’t enough. James could scream in frustration. How could they seem so calm? He didn’t know. 

“Well, there could be more people. I could be there looking for him. Just tell me what you know and I’ll participate in the search party.” Pacing around the living room didn’t do anything to James; he wasn’t feeling his body, and the voices got louder and more than one person was speaking to him, but they got muffled again. He could feel the tears gathering around his eyes again; it burned, and he couldn’t stop them. “Just tell me where they are, or- or where they’re going, I can join them, and-”

“James!” Moody was louder than normal, and James wiped his eyes and put his glasses back on. “Rest. We’ll gather in two days.”

“What? What? Two days? Are you really going mad?”

“You’re in no condition to do anything, kid. Look at yourself!”

“That's exactly why I can’t rest!” James didn’t even realize he yelled; he was out of breath and feeling his throat tighten. “I can’t rest. I need to find him.”

James knew what pity looked like, which was what Moody's face and eye showed. The auror sighed and shook his head, walking away from James and dragging Arthur with him outside the living room. Maybe they would come back with a more organized plan, with the next instructions. They knew James couldn’t just sit while his son was out there. Harry was the only thing he had in the world. He was his world. Or at least what had remained of it. 

He didn’t expect to see Dumbledore entering the room. Of course, James knew he was there too, but he didn’t care who was inside that house. The old wizard was alone, and with a flick of his hand, the door and windows closed; they were standing in the middle of the living room, and James was pretty sure they were alone, too. 

“James, can we sit?” His voice was calm as ever and, for some reason, irritated James. But he did as requested and took his place on the sofa once more that evening. 

“So, how can we proceed from here? To find Harry.” He didn’t want his old professor giving him gentle words. He needed a plan. The old man seemed to understand his tone and gave him almost the same response. 

“I’m sure Alastor told you there are members of the Order searching for him.”

“He did. What else?”

“The truth is that there isn’t a lot more to do, James.” Dumbledore sounded almost apologetic, sitting on the sofa next to James and looking directly at him with his crinkled, sad eyes. And when James opened his mouth to ask, the professor held up his hand. “When You-Know-Who left, wounded, we believe, his traces of magic vanished.”

“He died? What does that mean?”

“Well, I’m not so sure. I truly believe he’s weak, that whatever happened at that house hurt him. But when I say “vanish”, I mean it. We couldn’t find any trace of his magic anywhere else besides that location. So, if he’s alive-”

“And with Harry.”

“- And with Harry, we believe he’s hidden. We are frustrated, too, James. No one can be more than you, we know. But everything that can be done is being done.”

That didn’t help and didn’t settle anything inside James's chest, which was begging to be ripped open. 

“We are still searching.” Dumbledore continued. “But for today, you should rest. Give your mind and heart a moment to mourn.”

And then the tears flooded James’s eyes all over again.

The following days weren’t easy; the shock left his body and welcomed the worst mourning feeling he had ever felt. It hadn’t been that long since he lost his parents, so he knew how bad it could be. But this time was almost unbearable. Days when he would lose his voice crying, denying what happened, or other days when James would get angry and fight every single person who tried to reason with him. The only thing that kept him going was finding his son, but even remembering Harry was painful, not as painful as remembering Lily. He tried not to think about them like that, knowing it was true for one of them, but it was nearly impossible. People talked about Lily in the past tense, how she “was” and “were”. It was hard to forget she wasn’t just away, she was gone. Completely gone. And a big piece of his heart went with her.

Days became weeks. That big house wasn’t always filled with the Order; some days were just James and Remus, alone, sharing the same space in silence. He invited his friend to stay there, and it felt like the best plan at the time. They both lost something on that day, and both of their hearts were in pieces. Maybe together, James and Remus could find the strength to fight another day. But it didn’t happen easily, and as they expected, James was distant as ever, because looking at Remus reminded his mind of his best friend and their best moments together. Even Peter was a delicate topic. He was their friend, too, but they didn’t have a body to have a full funeral, so the memorial was morbid and sad. 

Remus didn’t talk to James about how he felt or how everything affected him; it seemed his friend couldn’t find the right words. They never said his name since that Wednesday, and James believed it would stay like this for a long time.

When they shared words, they were about the plan to find Harry, the Death Eaters' steps, and what they should do, how alliances formed and deformed after You-Know-Who disappeared. It had been hard to find new leads, but they kept trying and trying. Someone should know about something somewhere. 

One day, a letter from the Ministry arrived for Remus. 

"MINISTRY OF MAGIC

Department of Magical Law Enforcement

Office of Magical Criminal Investigations

Whitehall, London

December 1st, 1981

Confidential – By Owl Post Only

To: Remus J. Lupin

Last Known Residence: [Redacted for Security Reasons]

Subject: Investigation Concerning Allegiance and Assistance to a Convicted Mass Murderer

Mr. Lupin,

It has come to the attention of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement that you are under suspicion of having knowingly assisted or associated with Sirius Orion Black, the wizard responsible for the deaths of twelve Muggles and one wizard, Peter Pettigrew, in a public incident occurring on the 1st of November, 1981.

As you are aware, Mr. Black has been identified as a former associate of yours, and evidence has emerged suggesting a longstanding personal and magical relationship. Given the betrayal of the Potters' location and the heinous crimes committed shortly thereafter, your connection to Mr. Black is being treated as a matter of grave concern.

Accordingly, you are hereby:

1. Summoned for immediate questioning by the Office of Magical Criminal Investigations at 10:00 a.m. on the 5th of December, 1981.
2. Instructed to refrain from use of Apparition or international travel by any magical or Muggle means until the conclusion of this inquiry.
3. Reminded that obstruction or concealment of any evidence about Mr. Black’s activities may result in prosecution under Section 73 of the Wizarding Statutes of Justice.

You are advised to bring all documents, wands, journals, or magical artifacts relevant to your association with Mr. Black for review. Aurors will be dispatched to escort you should you fail to respond by the allotted date and time.

Your cooperation in this investigation will be taken into account.

By authority of the Wizengamot and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement,

Cordially,

Dolores Umbridge

Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic

Office of Magical Criminal Investigations"

It didn’t make any sense. Remus looked pale and shocked as the letter fell flat on the kitchen floor, and so did James as he moved first and picked up the paper, opening and reading and re-reading it again. "Assisted or associated”. Had they lost their mind and senses? Just reading the name made James nauseous and dizzy. 

“James…”

When he looked up, Remus was sitting down and with his hand over his heart, breathing heavily, shaking from head to toe. 

“James…” Remus repeated, this time looking at his eyes. “I swear- James, I swear I didn’t know. I… I didn’t know.”

“Hey, hey, calm down. I know, buddy. I trust you. This…” He looked at the letter once more before fixing his eyes on Remus. “This is a mistake. We’ll call the Order and Dumbledore. They’ll know what to do. Alright?” He only got a nod in response. 

Since that terrible day, James never thought for a second that Remus had anything to do with that. He was in total distress, having a panic attack, crying at the loss of his best friend and his lover. It never crossed his mind that Remus had any involvement with the whole incident; if that was the case, the Order would have done something to keep him away. But now, a month after the attack, this intimation coming out of nowhere was so out of place, it didn’t make any sense. Something was up; his mind worked enough to know it was wrong. 

After a couple of glasses of water, a fire message, and a couple of minutes later, Moody and Minerva - that was a surprise - arrived. They sat down and, of course, knew everything about the letter; bad news always spread fast. Minerva was hugging Remus like a mother would, and he cried quietly on her shoulder, clawing her robes. James felt sad and sorry; he had lost his best friend, his brother, too, but maybe it was worse for Remus. Lily wasn’t out there, a runaway for hideous crimes, his love was way, but safe. She would know what to do, how to calm Remus, what to say… James didn’t have the same way with people; she was the kindest person he had ever known, and for the first time, for another reason, he wanted her right there, telling Remus everything would be okay. 

Moody sat up, pacing around, rambling on about how ridiculous this was. Outrageous, even. They said Dumbledore was already taking care of all things; no one would take Remus away for questioning or anything like that. His friend kept his whispers, swearing he didn’t know between sniffles and hiccups, with his head on Minerva’s shoulder. Taking Remus to the Ministry would mean he had to be identified as a werewolf, his secret revealed, something he took so much care to keep down. The whole situation was cruel. But what wasn’t in the past years? 

“Son, I need to know.” That was what Moody said, looking very serious while looking at Remus. His friend looked up and wiped his eyes in vain. “We know how… close you were with Sirius. You have to tell me everything.”

James never saw Remus' face become so somber after hearing Sirius' name after so many weeks avoiding it. He got up from Minerva’s arms. He wiped his eyes once more, voice low and firm.

“I didn’t know. I have nothing to hide. If anything… I didn’t know him at all. He fooled me… Sirius Black fooled all of us. Put me under veritaserum if you want, I’ll give you all the answers. But I can’t give what I don’t know. I know nothing about him. I don’t know where he went. I don’t know why… why he did all that. I’m in the dark too.” And he left the room. 

Hearing Remus say his name with such pain and anger broke James’s heart again. He couldn’t take that much suffering; it was too much to watch, too much to handle. In the middle of the mess his mind was, he kept asking himself what he did — what they all did — to deserve such dark times like these. James got the first bottle of firewhisky he saw and drank from it, long gulps burning down his throat and buzzing his mind. His former teacher and auror watched him with worry in their eyes, but by now, he was used to it. Everyone worried.

They didn’t stay long that day, accepting the small speech Remus gave and understanding James wouldn’t say a word as well. And he knew they would be back soon. Unfortunately, that was two days later.

Moody came back at the crack of dawn, and this time to take Remus with him to the Ministry. James and his friend were in panic, not knowing what to do. They were assured that Dumbledore fixed it, but not enough to prevent the hearing from happening. James dressed up and helped Remus to do the same, they were wearing pajamas or worn-out clothes for days, not caring about how they would look. But now, wearing those robes, being formal, seemed wrong. That was not the time for it. It was too soon to pretend life was normal. But it didn’t matter, things happened too fast that day, and after entering the floor powder entrance at home, they were soon at the Ministry. 

James hated that place. It was cold and unwelcoming. 

While walking fast around corridors, being given weird explanations on how they should act and what Remus should say, entering elevators, hearing Moody murmuring things to people he had never seen, James wanted to talk. He wanted to ask if it had anything to do with You-Know-Who, with Harry… But the first time James tried to bring his son's name up, Moody cast a spell, closing his mouth. 

“Don’t be stupid. Don’t you know where you are? There are snakes around, slithering on your feet. Pay attention, Potter.”

It was dangerous, and he was careless. A simple mistake could cost the whole investigation that the Order was doing. James couldn’t help it; his mind was 24/7 on Harry and where he was, or how he could find him. One month went by, and they had no clue at all. No one could blame him. But he knew his anxiety about that had to give way to the horrible feeling that was seeing Remus sitting down in the middle of the hearing room. The Minister in front of them, all his undersecretaries and inquisitors around him. Dumbledore was next to Remus, and other members of the Order were sitting down next to James.

Cornelius Fudge had a bad reputation, and it preceded him. The Order did something, so no one would know Remus' lycanthropy condition, because the Minister was treating him like he was just another half-blood wizard. Well, a half-blood wizard who was too friendly with a mass murderer. He looked down on his friend, as if he was less for not being a pure-blood, and the questions he asked Remus… James wasn’t prepared. 

They started questioning about how long Remus and Sirius were friends; if Remus was aware of Sirius' political views; Where he was when that incident happened; If he knew Sirius was capable of such violent acts. His friend was answering everything from his heart. James could see it, and they had nothing on him. But Cornelius was a cruel and low man. The moment they realized Remus was passing all the questions with flying colors, some inquisitors started asking questions too. 

“Mr. Lupin, would you say your relationship with Sirius Black was… purely platonic?”

“Did you ever share a bedroom, cloak, or enchanted object with Mr. Black that could be considered... intimate in nature?”

“Would you say Mr. Black made you feel… special?”

James couldn’t believe his eyes or ears. All the questions were fired almost at the same time, not giving Remus a chance to reply. It was outrageous and didn’t make any sense. He looked at his friend, both in panic, people murmuring at the benches, and Dumbledore putting an end to those ridiculous questions at once. 

“Mr. Minister, care to remind me how those questions are relevant to the whole accusation?” 

“As you may know, Mr. Dumbledore, when alliances are formed, they can come from another kind of relationship. Not only friendship, as you see.” 

“And you believe, Mr. Minister, that asking this young man about his relationships, romantic even, has something to do with the fact we are discussing?” 

“It could be-”

“Let’s not forget what Mr. Lupin is being accused, very wrongly, of. He answered all your questions, everything that matters. You have no proof or evidence that puts Mr. Lupin in the middle of this terrible mess. Be reasonable, Cornelius. Please.” That made the Minister move uncomfortably in his seat and adjust the glasses on the tip of his nose.

“He was his close friend. It makes sense. And Sirius Black is on the run, we have to investigate everything.”

“If that is your reason, why didn’t you accuse the widower, Mr.Potter? Wasn’t he friends with Mr. Black as well? It is a known fact that Fleamont and Euphemia Potter welcomed Mr.Black in their home. He even made Mr. Black his son’s godfather. Aren’t you just blaming the only half-blood wizard alive that could be a direct connection to Mr. Black?” 

James wanted to vomit. He felt his mind dizzy, his heart racing, and he couldn’t hear more of what Dumbledore and Fudge were saying. The reminder of a friendship, of a life together, a brother he never had, and the universe gave it to him, only made his stomach turn. Voices were rising, and the hearing was becoming a circus, but James couldn’t focus anymore. He shouldn’t be there, he didn’t want to be there, his place was at home, studying and searching for Harry. He heard someone calling his name over and over again, but he couldn’t make sense of it. 

He didn’t know how, but he got to his feet. Moody was talking to him, holding his shoulders, but James didn’t care; he couldn’t breathe. Images, sounds, and smells of that day started to rise, making his chest feel caged. He couldn’t breathe. He slapped Moody’s hands out of him and started running up those benches and wooden stairs. People were calling his name again. James, James, James, James… Everything went dark. 

When he regained consciousness, James was back in his parents' house, lying flat on the sofa. His head hurt a little, and a cup of water was floating in front of him. He sat up and took it. Remus appeared after, sitting next to him in silence. Well, at least his friend wasn’t arrested. He took his time to talk again, and he had a feeling Remus would answer him.

“What happened?”

“You passed out.” That visibly shocked James, and Remus shrugged. “And you fell over the benches. It was a mess…”

“Right…” His aching head had a good explanation now. “But what about the hearing, the accusations?”

“They dropped it. Dumbledore fought with them for a long time.” And James noticed it was nighttime out there. “In the end, he got them to drop the charges. They were… absurd. But, well, at least they don’t know about me. And I’m not being observed anymore.” 

“Well, I’m glad, Moony-”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry.” He didn’t want anyone calling him any nicknames either. “But I’m really glad. Things… Things will be fine.” James forced a smile and was met with an even more forced one. 

“Yeah, everything will be fine.”

“Soon we’ll find Harry and… And then we can go on.” 

That was everything James hoped. Find his son and go on with his life. Whatever that meant in the forward future. 

Chapter Text

After a year of the attack, it meant two things: a year Lily died and a year of Harry's disappearance. And the first year was rough, it passed faster than James could ever think. Holidays, birthdays, nice events piled up and meant nothing. How could he find meaning in things if his whole world was destroyed? No wife, no son, no best friend. James was the most miserable man on earth. And he had dark thoughts… But he never caved to them, knowing Harry was out there waiting for him. And how it ached James's heart to think about his two-year-old boy.

Alone, in his room, James would sing Happy Birthday while crying and holding the picture of them for dear life. He missed Lily's laugh and how she would talk to him; he missed her touch, witty comments, and amazing brain. James missed how she was the perfect mom for the perfect baby; Harry was blessed to have her as a mom. It hurt him that his boy couldn't have more time with her, but James would tell him all the good things. The thought made him smile between tears. It would be fantastic to tell Harry how amazing his mom is. Was. James never got used to it, probably because he felt Lily with him every day; her presence was strong enough for him to forget she wasn't there.

James had all his energy and days dedicated to finding his baby boy, but they never had any luck. All the clues the Order had ended in nothing. They would bust empty houses, go outside England, the countryside, seaside, mountains, caves, the middle of nowhere, but no sign of Harry or You-Know-Who. It was frustrating every time they got back to the house empty-handed, without any new leads. It felt like they both disappeared in thin air, no trace of magic around. And James noticed how the Order was getting tired of… nothing. But he couldn't just give up, he knew Harry was alive and out there. Just very well hidden. But alive.

Living with Remus was easy and good for his head, though James believed neither of them got the guts to look too much into the past together. They reminded each other of the same person and betrayal, and shared the same pain. In the reports they read together, searching for clues, Sirius's name was mentioned once or twice, focusing on the fact that he was still on the run. It was hard to catch someone who could assume an animal form. As far as they knew, Sirius Black wasn't in England anymore. James only hoped they found him and got him in Azkaban, where he belonged. At least he could have this closure for Peter. In the meantime, Remus and James were studying and running against the clock for the other two lives for which they wanted justice, too.

The funny thing about time is that it passed way too quickly. When the incident made the two-year mark, things started to change around them, with the Order. It was a Sunday when the few members left, and Dumbledore arrived at the Potters' residence. They had tea, a long conversation about life in general, but nothing about their plans or what the next steps were. James was feeling uneasy to be the first to speak; he noticed how eager he always was, and how people looked at him with tired eyes.

“So, do we have another clue?”

The silence wasn't louder due to the nature sounds coming out of the kitchen door, the chill air, and the weather changing after Halloween. “There's no other clue, kid.” Moody answered him.

James had a good, deep breath and readjusted his glasses on his face. “Alright. I believe we missed something in the last report. Maybe if we start at–”

“James.” Dumbledore had this sweet voice, the type of voice that could make you feel calm. But it did the exact opposite to James in the last few years. “You see, only Alastor and Minerva joined us today. Do you have an idea why?”

A lot of answers passed through James's mind, but he couldn't come up with one good one to reply, so he just shook his head at his old teacher.

“The Order is over, James.”

What?

“What? What do you mean? There's all of you, me, Remus, Molly-”

“Molly and Arthur left.”

“But why?” James didn't notice he was standing up, just when he started pacing around the kitchen. “Why?”

Dumbledore sighed and removed his tiny glasses from his face, and looked at James's eyes, deep, wise blue eyes meeting his tired brown ones. “They want to focus on their family and the kids. After Molly lost her brothers-”

“I lost something too!” It always hurt to remember it in words; maybe that's why it always came with a strained high voice. “I'm trying to protect what's left of my family, too! We can't split now… We… Harry.” James couldn't be cohesive when he was feeling betrayed again. He walked over to the counter and hung on the edge of it, his knuckles and fingertips going white. “We can't give up…”

“There's no evidence he's alive.”

Moody's voice didn't come accusatory or mean, but James could only see red and had his wand in hand when he heard that absurdity. How dare he insinuate something like that? And he couldn't get closer to the auror — who was very much prepared as soon as he realized — because Remus got in the middle. “What are you doing? Put it down!”

“James, dear, please.” Minerva, quiet until now, got closer to her ex-student and tried to make sense to him. “Don't do anything you will regret later.”

“Are you all insane?! Did you hear what he just said? He's saying Harry is… He's not! I know he isn't.”

“You can't be sure, kid.” The auror put his wand back in his pocket and limped over the exit, clearly done with the conversation and not waiting for the reply.

“Neither can you! You said there's no evidence at all. It's a fifty-fifty chance. And you are dropping it… You're letting it go!”

Dumbledore came to his side, removing Remus' body from James and putting his hands on his shoulders.

“We won't let it go, James. But from now on… we will do what we can separately. But we’ll never forget Harry. Or Lily.”

The Order was over on a Sunday, after twilight and some wasted tea. James was promised by Dumbledore that they would never stop looking, but right now, it wasn't a priority, and everyone had to go on with their lives. Everyone but him.

James was confused and frustrated about how to get going if his whole purpose in life was to find his son. It felt like one big door opened underneath his feet, and the hole consumed him and his thoughts. If they should move on, well, he would do the same, but on his own terms.

Day after day, he lost contact with the remnants of the Order; he let the Weasleys down at every invitation to know a new child or just to have dinner. He started to get used to not replying to his professor's letters or giving them a piece of information on what he was doing or how he was feeling. They didn't deserve to know anymore. So, day by day, James started to get more and more away. He didn't need them. But the only person he couldn't get away from was the one living with him.

And James seemed to keep forgetting who his friend was and how smart and perceptive he is. James wanted to believe the question came out of nowhere, but not that deep down, he knew Remus noticed everything.

“Where are you going?”

James had two choices in answering that, but something in him believed he would have a long conversation regardless. “I’m going to find Harry.”

“Ok. Where are we going, then?”

“No, no, no. I’m not dragging you with me, Remus. I… I don’t even know what I’m doing, and you deserve to mov-”

“Move on? To what?”

Standing in the living room, looking at his friend reading on the couch, James felt his heart ache. Remus didn’t even glance up from his book, kept reading and going to the next page calmly. But as calm as he was reading, he was also putting the book down and leaning forward.

“Move to what life, James? Here with you, I can, at least, forget and not think about what happened. I would much rather look after you than look after myself. I have nothing left. I have no one else. I can’t even get a job with my condition. Who is going to hire someone who needs an inexplicable break every single month? Here, I can focus on finding Harry. Focus on keeping you alive, eating, drinking water, and everything to find him. I can have something on my mind day and night to not think about… him. The school, the war. For Merlin’s sake, James, even looking at you is painful to me.” he let a sad chuckle escape. “Every time we laugh, James, I remember how it was easy with him. How he would make a joke out of everything…”

Remus was breathless, hands in his messy brown hair, until they fell on his lap, and his body to the rest of the couch. He looked up, tired, at James.

“I know you’re doing something stupid. I’m just asking to tag along one more time.”

James knew that the journey he was about to embark on would have its ups and downs; he had a vague plan and was hoping for the best. Doing it alone would be reasonable; he wouldn’t put anyone else in danger and could act recklessly if needed. But having Remus on his side would make things easier… Not only one of his best friends, but also an amazingly strong wizard. James would never say it out loud, but he was scared of what his friend was capable of doing if left alone to his own thoughts.

In almost three years, James saw his friend sink into drinking and smoking; the silences were longer, and Remus lost the twinkle in his eyes every time he read something. He could see his friend dying inside day by day. It killed him, too. James offered a small smile and extended his hand out to Remus, who took it and got up from the sofa. Their height difference always made James smile.

“It isn’t stupid. It makes sense, you’ll see.”
“You can tell me your “not stupid” plan on the way to wherever we are going.”
“Let’s start packing, then.”

James and Remus finished packing a small luggage with expansion and weight charms; they could carry a lot and wouldn’t be troubled. After a couple of minutes with everything done, Remus was in the backyard smoking, and James sat down with ink and paper. He wrote the note quickly, with a bit of rage, disdain, and annoyance, but he kept the education his mom and dad gave him. He didn’t bother to call an owl; soon or later, they would find it.

Joining Remus outside with their bags, James held his hand, and they gave a small nod to each other. James didn’t look back before apparating; he was not looking behind at anything in his life. One day, he would be back at this house, but that time would be with his son.

Professor Dumbledore,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I’ve waited long enough for the help that was promised, for the truth that was twisted, and for the respect a father deserves.

I grew tired of empty words and colder silences. To those who swore my son was dead — I hope you live comfortably with the certainty you sold me.

Do not look for me. Do not send anyone. This is the only courtesy I extend: a farewell, nothing more.

— James F. Potter

Remus was amazed by how cozy that house was, even empty. He had no idea of the location yet, but it seemed it was in the middle of nowhere, with a forest nearby and a big backyard. The countryside house was smaller than the Potters’ one, had only two bedrooms on the second floor, and one bathroom. The first floor was equipped with a small open kitchen, a table for four, and a living room with a very comfortable couch.

Looking at the vast amount of green in the backyard, Remus didn’t know how to feel. It was a mix of sadness, anxiety, worry… Probably the mix he was used to for the past three years. James came to his side in silence, offered a cigarette, and they smoked also in silence. It surprised Remus when his friend started smoking; it was never his thing, being an athlete and all for so many years. But it made sense. James was aching in a way no one could understand. A drink at nine in the morning or a pack a day was understandable, and Remus never judged him for that. Well, he was doing the same.

“Whose house is this?”

“Mom’s friend. She never married or had children, and we were like her family. Before school even started, we would come here, spend the summer. After school, I came here twice, I think. With him, even.” Remus knew exactly who. The blood brother James never had. “Well, she left the keys and the house to my parents before passing away.”

Remus looked at his friend, finishing his smoke and pressing his feet on the cigarette’s butt, feeling the worry filling his heart again. “Won’t the Order know about this place? Since it’s related to your family.”

“Unless they have ears in all places, I don’t think so. She was a lonely woman, and everything was said through last words. Nothing on paper.” James shrugged. “And besides that, we never came to this house after she died. I think we are safe here to do whatever we want. And how we want.”

“And where are we, exactly?” Looking around, he knew this cottage could be anywhere. It was a pretty place in a remote city. Great. But it really didn’t tell him anything.

“Cong, it’s a small countryside city in Ireland.”

“Of course it had to be Ireland.” Remus chuckled sincerely, receiving a bump on the arm from his friend.

“You know me.”

And Remus really did. Ireland was obvious for a Quidditch fanatic, and it was nice to see this spectrum of what James was being seen again. Maybe there, in this new place, with a new air, they could think better, act better. He could see the world and life being kinder to them in this new environment. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but at least that in him was still alive and wishing for something.

He didn’t know if Harry was alive, and of course, he would never tell that to James, but he believed in the instinct of a father. Remus really didn’t have anything else to hold onto, so he trusted that Harry was somewhere, hidden, for some mysterious reason. He caved to James’s idea that the Order didn’t do much about it, and they could. After the war and all the losses, it was difficult to find a priority. For his friend, it was to find his son. For others, to find closure, or even revenge. And Remus… He didn’t know if there was a priority or a reason for him. No parents, no siblings, no lover.

Thinking about him was painful in a lot of ways. For Merlin’s sake, he even went on trial for being associated with him. With all the news Remus got since that day, his mind was in a total mess. Devious plots, plans, murders, lies… Everything that Sirius, one day, said he hated. Maybe that’s the reason why it was – still is – so difficult to get his head around it. Was he that good of an actor?

The one who became an animagus to hang out with his werewolf friend so he wouldn’t be alone? The boy who got flustered because he kissed Remus on impulse and, literally, ran away and avoided him for days? The man who cried when he discovered Lily’s pregnancy and cried even more when he was nominated as Harry’s godfather?

In the first year, Remus had a lot of doubts, and his thoughts were very… unstable. He heard everything Sirius did. How he was the secret keeper and lied to get James out of the house, how he assassinated a bunch of wizards that were around the secret location, and how he mutilated Peter’s body, leaving only a finger. It never made sense to Remus how his Sirius was capable of doing something like that. But in the end, maybe his Sirius never existed. Was it all a lie? A performance to become close enough so he could attack from inside?

Was his love confession a lie, too?

Remus cried in silence, never in front of James, not about him. Never about him. They shared this unspoken rule that Sirius Black wasn’t allowed between them, and they kept the rule for most of the time. But in the silence of the night, in the cozy room of a cottage in Ireland, Remus had another sleepless night in wonder. Was everything a lie, and had he been this naive? Was his fucking boyfriend a liar, a monster, and capable of hideous things to the people he swore he loved?

Some days, Remus wanted nothing but the truth, but on other days, he was fine with living without knowing. He simply could not bring himself to see the man he loved admitting those terrible things. The man his heart could never forget, his best friend, his first and only love, his annoyingly smart and beautiful boyfriend. He hoped, one day, his hate and indifference would be stronger than his love for someone who never deserved it.

Remus slept that day still in hope.

In the next few days, Remus and James tried to do normal stuff around the city and set up the house. They built a type of library in the living room with all the documents, parchment papers, books, diaries, and information they gathered over the past years. They were diligent and tried to do it calmly. James realized that he needed a clean start with everything, to do it from zero and then walk on his own legs. And well, Remus was more than ready to help and get his mind off the one thing – person – who still lived there.

The plan was simple; they went over all the things the Order had done and did it again. Remus and his friend used a lot of polyjuice potion, different names, and embezzlement charms to get what they wanted. It felt weird at first, but Remus could put his principles aside for a good cause. Every night they came back to the cottage, he felt exhausted and drained to lie and run to avoid being caught. It was worth it, though. They got more information to gather and fill in some blank spaces. It wasn’t much. But, especially for James, it was better than nothing.

Days turned into months that moved to a year. Remus was passing by James’s room and saw his back towards the door. His friend was sitting by the window with something in his hands, coddling it. At this time, Remus thought it was something related to Harry – James did that a lot – but soon he would know the truth. Soon would be Halloween again, another year since the incident. Another year without answers. Without Harry.

In the middle of November, the cold was already there, but it wasn’t intense. The weather was nicer than in England, and the view from the backyard, with a small amount of fog, made it cozier. Remus was drinking his fifth coffee of the day, probably, and it was only noon. He enjoyed staying outside looking at the view and letting his mind wander into absolutely nothing. His body was sore from the full moon a couple of days prior, but he had worse. The whole forest run with James was nice. That time of the month was his only day to feel free from everything else. But he had to laugh; even the wolf missed the dog. It couldn’t understand why the pack wasn’t together anymore. Well, everyone lost something.

Sitting in a chair, looking at the trees, Remus saw for the first time a figure he didn’t recognize. Some days, James would walk around the forest, go to the lake alone, and come back looking miserable as always. But James was inside the house. And the figure approaching, getting closer, wasn’t a human.

Remus got up in a jump, letting chair and mug fall on the floor. He felt his body trembling from head to toe. His first reaction was to get his wand and point it.

“James!” Remus screamed like he had never done before. His voice was raspy, strained, and his heart was almost coming out of his mouth.

The fog was too thin, and a few feet away from Remus was that big, black dog, looking directly at him. He could see him clearly, even in dog form; Sirius’s eyes were the same.

When James got there, confused as he could be, his eyes widened, and his wand was also pointed at the dog, which stopped approaching after, probably sensing the danger. Remus could hear his friend breathing loudly, frozen, just like he was, pointing their wands at the one who betrayed them.

The dog had something in his mouth, a small cloth bag, which it calmly put down on the grass. James didn’t think twice before sending a spell and getting the beg flewing into his hand. Remus's eyes were glued to the dog, while he could hear his friend going through the bag fast, clanking here and there, so there was an extension spell too. He heard the bag being thrown somewhere, probably inside the house, and James was walking towards the dog with his wand in hand.

“Show yourself.” James said in a low, clear voice. And the dog bowed his head once, and his body slowly grew out of the amount of fur, that gave place to a worn-out long jacket, plain dark clothes underneath, long messy black hair, a shadow of a beard, and tired sad blue eyes.

Sirius was standing in the middle of the backyard, hands splayed out, and looking down. James threw another Accio for any concealed weapons or wand, but had nothing.

“Incarcerous.” With that spell, James had Sirius being tied with strong magic ropes, and the force of it made him grunt and kneel on the grass. “Get up and walk inside. Try anything, and I won’t think twice before using a death curse on you.” Sirius looked up to James, serious as ever, and got up, walking inside.

Remus was trembling head to toe. Sirius passed him, not even a glance in his way. His body was frozen with his wand in defense, still up. His head was totally blank, so many things and nothing at the same time. He only got out of that dazed state when James touched his shoulder and guided him inside.

That couldn’t be real. No. It couldn’t. Sirius wasn’t there. Sirius wasn’t being forced to sit down in the chair by the kitchen table, hands tied above the cold wood, and that same expression on his face. Frustration. And that, Remus couldn’t understand.

He couldn’t bring himself to sit with them at that small table. Sirius was sitting on one side, and James, with his wand in hand, was near him. His eyes were pure rage, somber, as he was looking at the devil face to face. In some ways, he was James’s demon. Remus found the spot, resting at the counter, and couldn’t look away from that man. He looked awfully the same. A little bit dirty, skinnier, and messier, but still Sirius. How could that happen? Was his mind playing tricks on him again? Remus had to pinch himself on the waist – his arms were hugging – to see if this wasn’t a dream. A nightmare.

“I could kill you.” James spoke first. “I literally could kill you right now, and people would paint me as a fucking war hero.”

Sirius looked at him, almost looking wronged. His voice was raspy and low. “Kill me if you want. Do whatever you want. But let me explain first.”
“What the fuck do you think I want you to explain?! I don’t need the details about the- the- the things you did, you lunatic!”

James got up, pacing to the sides, but never leaving his eyes from Sirius.

“I didn’t do anything…” It came as a whisper, but the house was dead silent. Sirius had his head down, hair covering his face.

“What did you say?” James got the same look on his face from the times he fought with Moody. Remus' reaction was quick; he had seen this before. He was between the two of them in a blink, holding his friend back. “What the fuck did you just say?”

And Sirius, well, he was still Sirius. His head got up, fire in his blue eyes. “I didn’t do anything! Anything at all!”

“And you expect me to believe that my wife is not dead because of you?” And the scream resonated enough to make Sirius look desperate.
“It wasn’t me! I fucking swear!”

“Like your word would be worth something. You’re a fucking liar! You betrayed me!” James had to really be held down, but Remus was only taller, not stronger. And he got away, going at Sirius and holding him by the shoulders, shaking him. “Because of you, I have nothing left! I lost my everything! My Lily, my wife! I lost Harry! And everything because you’re a fucking maniac who lied to us. You are a disgrace, Sirius Black!”

And Sirius screamed and cried out loud.

“I didn’t know!” He was sobbing so hard that James let go of him, stepping back. It wasn’t the first time they saw Sirius crying, but it was the first time they saw that amount of… pain. After a couple of minutes, shaking his head, trembling. “I didn’t know… I… I didn’t know.” He kept going on the same thing over and over, mumbling the same words.

Remus and James were standing next to him, looking at the man they loved, crying and spiraling into something they didn’t quite understand. Remus could sense his friend still tense and angry beside him, as he should be, and moved his body away, going to the living room. He pushed James enough that Sirius was alone in the kitchen, but still in view.

His heart was beating like crazy, and his legs were weak from all the adrenaline running through his body. But he got James’s attention, holding his shoulders. “Let’s hear him.” Remus whispered, and the other’s eyes widened, already shaking his head.

“Are you insane?! He’s lying, Remus!”

“What if he isn’t?”

And James gave two steps back. “Do you know something I don’t?”

“What…? What?! I… Look, I’ll overpass whatever the fuck you’re trying to insinuate here. I’m just saying that a guilty man wouldn’t show up at your doorstep saying he’s innocent if he didn’t have a reason- Also, how did he know we were here?” Remus felt he could pass out at any moment. “James. We need to know whatever we can. Lie or not. We have him here… He can go to Azkaban today. Let’s just… Listen.”

“You’re insane. You can’t be real, Remus! He’s a murderer! Because of him…”

“James, I know, I know! But he’s right here; we can use this to our advantage. He could lead to something, to Harry… Who knows?”

“Remus…”

“Please. It’s been three years, James… We finally have something tangible in our hands. Let’s be pragmatic and use it to our favor.”

Remus knew his friend was a pure ball of rage, desperation, and sadness, but he also knew James was sensible enough to see a tiny bit of reason. Letting go of his friend and standing toe to toe with him, Remus breathed out and nodded to James, reassuring him that it would be better to follow like this.

“Remus, I swear… I’m doing this for you. I just want you to know that, if it were for me, he would be cold, dead on this floor.” James' eyes went darker, adjusting his glasses and talking in a low voice. “Just like she was.”

He left the living room first, leaving Remus with his thoughts for a minute. It was innocence at its finest, but what could he do?

Remus Lupin was just a man. Three years of visiting and revisiting his own memories, trying to find where he lost Sirius. A small clue that indicated the change, the betrayal. And he always came from his mind empty-handed. Maybe now, walking back into that kitchen, he could understand what he missed. If he could have done something to prevent at least something…

He sat down at the table with the other two, on the opposite side of Sirius, and looking at the dark, messy hair covering the face of the man he once loved. Loved?

“You’re lucky Remus is here. I just want to rip your head off, but he… He wants to listen to you.” James’s voice was snarky and angry as he crossed his hands over the table, still holding his wand between his fingers. “Explain.”

“I wanted to find you sooner.” Sirius held up his head and looked at James; even his voice couldn’t hide the tiredness in it. “I swear I tried. But everything and everyone was haunting me… Look, I knew how it would look.”

And James snarked again, leaning back in his chair. “And still, you, “the innocent”, didn’t try to contact not even once?”

“I’m innocent! God, that’s why I took so long to present myself. Would you believe if I told you that fucking Peter was your secret keeper?”

“What?” James and Remus said at the same time, looking dumbfounded by the words that came out of Sirius. Remus was surprised that his voice came first, this time. “What do you mean, it was Peter? Everyone knew it was you. Because it made… Well, at the time, it made sense.”

“Because they knew I would kill myself before giving their location, if I were ever caught.” And that was irrefutable. “So, they changed at the very last minute. I also didn’t know it wasn’t me anymore. Well… I figured when I got to the wrong location.”

James rubbed his eyes under his glasses and exchanged looks with Remus, equally confused. Something was definitely strange with all that.

“How can we trust you?” James asked, and Sirius smirked, like he always did when he had a good plan.

“I took this long because I knew you wouldn’t believe me, James. Inside the bag,” he indicated it with his head, and Remus got up to get it. “There’s a bottle of veritaserum.”

Remus could find the bottle pretty easily with a spell and examined the vial with his hand. The small thing was made of clear blue glass, and it seemed the contents were transparent just like water. Looked legit. “Did you make this?”

“Am I insane? You know I’m terrible with potions.” The small fact about things Remus knew about him made his stomach twirl, but he just shook his head and put the bottle on the table. “I got it.”

“Where?” James looked from the bottle to him.

“A house.”

“Whose house? You stole it?”

“That’s the bar here? Yeah. I stole it, James. And I don’t know the name of the wizard, just that he was good with potions and had a good acerve.” Sirius rolled his eyes, still tense and anxious from the looks of it. He was fidgeting in his seat, totally uncomfortable. “I haven’t tried it, though. I had no one to talk to…”

Sirius Black, three years in on a run, without speaking with anyone. It was funny how this could be a prison in some sort. Sirius was a chatterbox, loved to talk, to joke, laugh, and watching him in this state was sad.

“Well.” James opened the bottle and got up, walking directly to Sirius. “Open up. Because there’s no way Remus or I will drink a mysterious potion you showed up.”

“I know, I know. I’ll drink it…” He opened his mouth, and James made him have a big sip of the potion. From the school books, they knew it didn’t have a taste or anything to tell if it was real or not. They could only test it.

They waited a couple of seconds, looking directly at Sirius, waiting for a reaction. But nothing big happened. Remus didn’t know what he was expecting, but absolute nada wasn’t on his card. And apparently not on James’s either, because he sat down again and sighed, rubbing his mess of hair.

“Well? Say something.”

“Wait.” Remus intervened, getting attention from both of them. He wanted to disappear when Sirius laid his eyes on him directly for the first time. “Err… Before spilling your guts out, we should test it. We don’t know what you’re about to tell us, so you could have drunk water and that would be it.”

“Good one, Remus.” James smiled and praised him, touching his arm across the table. Remus couldn’t tell if he was imagining things when he saw Sirius’s face closing and his eyes going away for a moment. “What should we ask? Something you–”

“No! I mean… Maybe something only the two of you know.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m aware of my position, so… yeah.” Remus smiled quickly at James and tried to look in Sirius’s direction, but not really at him. “Tell something embarrassing about James.”

“There are a lot of things.”

“Well, choose one that you promised would die with you.” At that, Sirius frowned really hard, like he was choosing one in a bunch of memories. When he was done, he looked at his tied hands on the table, and it all came in one breath.

“James had this picture of Lily, he would get too happy seeing and was his go-to in the middle of the night.”

“Oh. My. God.” James got up from the table, walking away to the living room, hands up, and going directly to his hair. Remus was shocked, and it seemed Sirius was too, leading his tied hands to his mouth and widening his eyes. James came back, accusatory, finger up and everything. “I told you to forget that!”

“Don’t you think I tried?! I got you in the middle of it–”

“Shut up! Shut. Up.” James ran across the room and closed Sirius’s mouth with his hand, taking a deep breath. Remus felt his heart do something funny seeing the scene, and even in total shock with the revelation, it felt so natural it hurt. He was relieved the potion was true, but the moment was so… them. It didn’t feel right.

“Well… At least we know it’s working.” Remus said, as James calmed down, breathing hard, and sat down again. “So… Explain.”

Sirius calmed down too, clearly surprised by the power of the potion.

“Alright… I need you to listen and not interrupt me, ok?” They both agreed. “That night… God. That night, I received a message from Peter, telling me you and… and Lily… were in danger. When I got to the location, the place where I thought you were,” Sirius turned to look at James, deep, serious blue eyes. “It was an empty house. Fucking Peter was there. I didn’t understand. I asked him where you were and then… He- He started saying absurdities, that he was serving a big purpose, that “The Lord” was going to praise him for his acts and doing good in the mission he was given. I thought he was drunk, high, out of himself. It didn’t make sense to me… Until I tried to leave the house.”

Sirius sighed deeply and pressed his eyes shut, like the memory hurt his head.

“I was unprepared; he was a friend, so he got my wand, and I couldn’t leave.” He shook his head and continued. “Peter, fucking, Peter… He kept talking shit about You-Know-Who, saying he had great and bigger plans, that he was doing it that night, and he would win. I- I don’t know. Peter wasn’t always the normal type, but he was insane, like the whole idea was getting his head.”

“And then you got irritated and killed him.” James was quiet and listening well, but he couldn’t hold himself in. He lost a friend, too.

“What? I didn’t kill Petigrew. How could I? He had my wand, James!”

Or so he thought.

Sirius was visibly frustrated, shaking his head. “The maniac was talking, talking, talking non-stop. And then, that’s when I realized we lost him. He said he was doing that for the greater good. Peter cut his fucking finger off right in front of my eyes.”

That was an insane phrase to hear, even more so because they knew it was real. At the “Peter murder scene,” they only found a finger.

“I thought he really got mad, because he- he chopped his fucking finger off!” Sirius was visibly disturbed by whatever he presencied that day, he was shaking his head, closing his eyes, moving his torso to James and – unfortunately – to Remus too. “And then he looked at his forearm… He had this weird tattoo moving, and said everything was done. Turned into the fucking rat he is and disappeared.”

No one spoke for a moment. Everyone was trying to digest the craziness that came out of Sirius. How could this be a real plan? How did the betrayal come from a place they never imagined? The quiet boy who was always in the background of James and Sirius's pranks. The one who was supportive, a fanboy when the boys were playing, and even read Remus’s book recommendations. The normal friend.

Sirius kept explaining how he got his wand back and left the house. He said he felt something was off, and started to run around places to find the real location. They had a bunch of fake addresses to confuse whoever tried to find the Potters. But one of them was real. He got to the house in Godric Hollow, and he knew it was too late. There were bodies around and then… Lily. Sirius told how he used some magic to see if people were there, if he could find something or someone, but the house was empty.

“Did you see Harry?” James asked with the same hope he had since day one.

“No. There was no one inside the house, except for Lily…” He looked down, guilty, probably feeling ashamed too. “I couldn’t stay there… with her. I heard someone coming, and I left. I’m sorry… If Peter’s plan was going right, as we know it did, people would assume I did that. Well, they do.”

Remus was feeling catatonic, like he couldn’t feel his body anymore. He sat down, deeper in the chair, looking at Sirius. “That’s why they traced your magic there.” And Sirius nodded back at him. “But why not tell Dumbledore or someone from the Order?”

“I got scared… I don’t know. I think, deep inside, I could only trust in my friends.”

That was a stab. Sirius had this honest speech; the way he spoke was always truthful, always had a meaning. Remus and James spent three years thinking the man they trusted and loved was a liar, a murderer, a monster. Only to know they wronged him.

But what could you do with years of ressentiment? They still had to find out about that.

Sirius cleared his throat and shook his head, looking at no one specifically. “Maybe now the Order could believe me.”

“The Order doesn’t exist anymore.” James sighed, taking off his glasses for the millionth time. “And we cut ties with them.”

“What? Why?”

James and Remus exchanged looks – tired ones –, and there was a moment of silence. But Remus could only dismiss it with a small hand gesture. “Conflict of interest. People living for their families… And they have other priorities.”

“Right… And are you going to explain that to me later? Right?”

He shook his head, trying to ignore that conversation. That would be a long, long talk, and no one was ready for that or how Sirius would react. Everyone knew how strongly he felt for the Order. But he also saw how Remus wasn’t going to answer that at all. “How did you find us?” Remus was genuinely curious, since they were at a remote location with no ties.

Sirius smiled a bit for the first time, looking up at James. “The mirror.” And James sighed heavily at that, cursing. “I would open it from time to time, but it was always dark, no sign at all. And one night you opened it here, next to the window, and… Well, I remember the summer we came here.”

“Well, fuck me, I guess.” James cursed again, clearly tired of all that. It was already nighttime, and the body's soreness was very present. “I don’t know why I opened it. It’s been years…”

“I’m glad you did.”

And that time, Sirius's smile was genuine, and he nodded to James, who looked at him for a long time before nodding back. He took off the Incarcerous spells, and Sirius moved his hands and wrists freely, probably feeling them sore.

James sighed again. “Well, I guess you can stay, if you want. It’s late… But we’re not done here.” He said before turning on his heel and disappearing into the house, going to his room. He left the two of them behind. In the quiet of the kitchen, Remus remained by the chair while Sirius finally stood up a few steps away, their eyes locking for a moment that stretched uncomfortably.

The tension in the air was almost tangible. It had been three years since he thought his best friend and lover was a mass murderer who had no heart. In a couple of hours, Remus discovered that he was innocent, that he felt guilt, and his heart was also – probably – hurt too. How could the brain and the heart work? He didn’t feel peace knowing the truth; his heart was still heavy and full of questions. His heart was standing in the middle of the kitchen, blue eyes fixed on him, waiting for some guidance. Remus wanted to disappear and mourn the loss of Sirius. But he couldn’t anymore.

Remus cleared his throat softly, breaking the silence with a quiet voice. “You can take the sofa,” he murmured, tone practical, as if that would smooth over the awkwardness. “And there’s a bathroom next to the stairs.” He had to get away from Sirius the fastest he could, and so he did. His feet were quick to take him to his bedroom on the second floor and lock the door behind him. Not looking back.

Back pressed to the wood, finally being able to breathe, his brain didn’t understand how Sirius Black was downstairs, making himself comfortable. He couldn’t understand how the three of them were under the same roof, that they would talk, understand even more what happened, and how they were going to proceed from there.

Life had shifted once again, tilting in ways none of them could have predicted. With Sirius back in their lives, everything would inevitably be different. No one knew how their fragile dynamic would settle, or whether his return would dredge up answers – or more questions – about Harry’s disappearance. Nor could Remus guess if he and Sirius would ever reclaim the closeness they once shared – and that scared him.

As it had been since that fateful incident, only time could unravel the truth and decide the course of their future.