Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

To my dearest and prettiest and amazing, Marceline

Trigger warnings heh so ao3 core

Mentions of suicide, not eating, being drunk, parents hitting me sigh, bad parents, sad, being emo emo mcr ptv, crazy 1st evil ex girlfriend being a crazy 1st evil ex girlfriend, vomiting, huffing, self harm and big big (me) warning

IM NOT KILLING MYSELF SO DONT KILL YOURSELF EITHER OR ILL FRICKEN FRICKEN FRICKEN BRING YOU BAD TO LIFE ANF FRICKEN KILL YOU MYSELF GGRGRGRRGR DONT FRICKEN KILL YOURSELF

And pretty pretty puhlease stay healthy and eat dinner everyday and breakfast and lunch and dont cut and try to be happy and dont huff and no vomiting

And if you do try to kys, please talk to someone first and please write a note and if you survive, please write another note

also please write back. If you dont wanna talk, just say to leave you alone 4ever and ever ever or somethang and ill leave you alone for good this time

anyways here's my long ahh message

Sorry for all the writing. I write like im running out of time and it IS (not) 51 paragraphs 

________________________________________________

hii marcy! long time no see heh

you dont need to apologize, silly! it was all my fault! im sorry about everything that happened and im sorry for causing it, I wish I didn't ruined things. I wish I didn't hurt you and im sorry I did

thank you for writing and im sorry im writing back since you said to leave you alone. i told myself I wasnt going to check this website anymore but im not having a very good night

I know you dont care or you should but I wanna tell you some updates

none of this is your fault and please dont feel guilty that you cant help or something cause telling you or like writing to you is more than enough! I haven't really been actually talking to people, and I haven't been able to like talk about my feelings and stuffs and im sorry you have to be the one who has to hear about them

ever since you left, things have been going awful and i dont know why. im maybe just being paranoid and miss you but im just sad and i dont know why and im sorry im not getting better

I dont remember much since things have been a blur but I just know bad things are happening

my mum is getting meaner and my friends are all getting distant with me. ive been getting hit alot more and my dads been drinking and I have been too.im sorry for turning out to be like one of the people's youre scared of and dont like and im just sorry

grace is moving schools and I just dont know what to do. its like everyone I like is leaving me and im scared and I just want things to go back

im scared that ill be alone and that ill be like bullied again and im scared that im gonna die and its all just so scary

ive been doing awful in school and i barely talk now but that isnt your fault, things just change and you couldn't have prevented them and just thank you for reading this or like letting me type

yk when I said that being you is the closest to being with you after youre gone? well ive been doing that. I know its creepy and stuffs but it just helps and i dont know. im not like being exactly like you and like copying your whole life and using your name or you info or anything, but im just acting like how you did when we first met and stuffs. Its a little insane but you gotta do what you gotta do yk?

remember when I said you remind me of saiki? I rewatched the whole anime and the movie and watched like everyone about it and stuffs about a bazillion times now. sometimes I read like stories about him on ao3 and just pretend its us in another universe and its cringe but I just need to feel something

I dont remember much and i dont know why but its probably the alcohol. im not drinking because of you so dont worry cause it isn't your fault but just all other stuffs.

I miss you so much it hurts

I have so much like left to say but idk how to say it and im sorry cause I know I can be better since I used to know exactly what to say

ive been crying nonstop (hamilton) and i dont know why. i hope you dont relate and I hope you've moved on and I hope youre doing way better than me since youre so much stronger and im sorry I cant be brave like you

everything reminds me of you and i dont know how to stop thinking of you since you've been all thats on my mind since October. happy anniversary of us talking lots even though we never made it that far. I hope you'll be able to say happy anniversary to someone else one day and not think of me like I do with you

Its currently 12 29 am as I type thing and im trying not to let my mum know thats im awake. I have nothing else better to do

Im sorry for the messy ranting but I just dont know how else to like communicate and stuffs. me before I got worse would've known and im sorry im not her anymore. im sorry im not the person you fell in love with

did you know that in school, we've been writing paragraphs about like random topics every week? this week we got to describe a place without naming it and I chose the jumpy place in belfast. I almost cried while writing but it's okay cause no one was like looking at me anyway

did you know ive been writing alot? I wanna try to get better and i think I need to start with communication so ive just been writing lots. ive written 2 songs about you and a bazillion poems and sometimes I write small parts of them on this website but you'll never ever find them mwuahahah

I got one of those super sharp razor blades and ive been waiting to use it but you know im not brave. if I ever do get brave, Ive made notes and stuffs for people's and I want lilac tulips. but ill never ever do it cause I still sometimes have hope for us even though I probably shouldn't and im sorry im telling you all this when I should be telling you to leave me alone so you can move on. im sorry im so selfish

I think my mum is dying cause she keeps talking about like her will and life insurance. she said I was her beneficiary and I was gonna get around 100k dollars but I dont care. I could have all the money in the world and id only ever want you and im sorry for telling you that. but if you ever need a little side hustle for a small amount of time and a lot of money, you know where to find me 😉

im sorry for breaking the rules and flirting but i just dont want all this message to be sad so you dont cry

sometimes I have dreams of us being happy and sometimes I have nightmares of me ruining it all and stuffs. you really are gonna haunt me for the rest of my life, angel. do you dream of me too?

please stay safe and never ever kill yourself and please eat dinner and maebe breakfast and lunch and please dont knife chop and please move on because--

the rest if the message is on the website, but if you dont wanna switch apps, then read the stuffs after the line
 
__________-_-_-_-_-_-__--__-_-_-_-_-__I miss you_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
 
--I know im not good for you and I already hurt you enough and I dont want you to keep hurting

as much as I wanna be selfish and ask you to come back, you should really move on cause I dont think I can ever make up for all the things I did and id rather you be happy without me than me disappointing you everyday

I want you to still have a super good future and be happy alot but not always so being happy feels better and stuffs and I hope you find someone to love and Im sorry I made you think it was gonna be me then disappointed you

I hope you aren't going different as much and im sorry for getting mad at you and im just so sorry and I love you and im sorry for saying it again but please dont love me back since that's bad for you and I want you to be healthy and im sorry

its not that I dont want you, i do but i want you to be happy more. and if being happy means being without me, then move on!

please stay safe and healthy and I hope you doing okay and im sorry I couldnt write more the message is white cause it's the opposite of black and black is your favourite heart and opposites attract or maebe they dont

I love you alot and im sorry pretty pretty girl

-rissamae

Chapter Text

The ao3 curse is real. I posted this letter like not even 3 weeks ago and im now in the hospital.

I have asthma but its never actually bad until recently. I currently cant breathe and I sound like a muddy deflating condom.

I almost passed out while shopping for cheese with my friend and her grandparents. It could've been the smell of those damn fuckass cows but it was probably the ao3 gods testing me

Im not worthy

Beware of the curse and stay freaky

Chapter Text

Okie dokie lokie so i don't really know how to start this

Do i say dear diary?? I don't know but it feels appropriate 

Dear archofourown.org (???), today I woke up at 7 am to my father's loud fuckass Philippines news, fell back asleep, then woke up again at 9 am

My hotel bed is next to this wall with this circly painting thingy and my tired ahh thought it was a man with a big noggin and freaking screamed and scared my dad

Then he left to go smoke or something and told me to eat breakfast which was a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich in this like egg bread thingy that I forgot the name of

Its like an eggmcmuffin but tim hortonfied and kold and stale 

My dad also said tgat my mum was gonna be done her class thingy at 12 so I had to get ready and we were also gping out to explore the shops in the area

I wore the jeans I always wear, my black belt but the big one with skull- not the small one with holes, a purple tank top with lace, the gray aeropostle zip up i took from my brother, and like my normal hair and make up

Then my dad came back and we went to an arcade thang 

He spend $47.68 on the thingy for like bitcoin but arcade stuffs and made me walk around and play games

I usually hate being around my dad but it wasn't so bad today

OH ALSO I FORGOT AND IM TOO LAZY TO MAKE A WHOLE ASS CHAPTER FOR THIS, BUT I WAS AT SUBWAY YESYERDAY AND MY DAD FRICKEN LEFT ME BY THE STORE TO GO SMOKE AND HE TOOK A GAZILLION YEARS TO COME BACK

Anyway, my arm is kinda cramping from typing cause im laying on it cause im on my side

Ive switched sides

Then like we played games and stuffs anf we did this one game where you like throw balls at these clown thangs and I pretended it was BLEEPs face and still fricken lost

I guess I dont hate BLEEP that much but im so fricken HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when I think of BLEEP

Sigh im just so mysterious 

Then we did a ton of other games 

Then we went to this like spin thingy for tickets to buy stuffs and we fricken got 100 tickets!!

I got a Christmas tree, handcuffs, a ring, a ruler, and 4 scrunchies with the ticket thangs

Then borrang stuffs with my mum coming back then her saying to not go out for lunch cause her coworker asked to come with and she said shes not going out or somethang

So my dad got subway again but he fucked my order up and I was like wtf and my mum was like being a fricken asswipe and basically told me to thug it out

Then borrang stuffs then we went to Applebee's for dinner

I got this like artichoke dip thang with tortilla chips and it was SO good

I couldnt finish doe cause too much 

This waitress lady was like screaming at this other lady about like a party or something and her boyfriend and she said she wanted to kill herself and I said shes so me to my mum and my mum was like ???

Prettay funnay right??

Im actually hilarious

Then we just stayed in hotel then I called chloe but she was being a strag with her boyfriend ew gross love is so blegh yicky gross ewewew and I said I hated happy couples and she told me to kill myself

Then like parents went out for casino

OH ALSO WHEN MY DAD WAS GONE, THIS LADY KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND I THOUGHT IT WAS MY DAD BUT THEN I LOOKED THROUGH MY PEEPHOLE THANG AND SHE LIKE OPENED THE DOOR AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

it was super duper awkward

Anyways, it's 2 34 am for me and I lowk miss you (marceline)

You were my favourite person and friend ever, im sorry I wanted you like a lover and ruined things

I dont feel like crying 2nite so im gonna stop writing!!

Buh bye marcy and anyone else who might be reading!

I love you marcy and im sorry for stuffs we talked about today!!

Toodaloo!!