Chapter Text
If someone had stopped Jungkook on the street, perhaps on the way to his favorite coffee shop to buy the next overpriced fun drink of the week, and asked him when the last time he felt truly healthy was, he most likely wouldn't have known the answer. Not necessarily because he feels so incredibly bad every day, not that, but he also can't remember the last time he felt truly healthy. Healthy. What does that word actually mean? According to the World Health Organization, health is "a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being." Who can say, really, that they've ever achieved this ideal state?
Nevertheless, most people at least know the feeling of being somewhere close to healthy. But how do you classify your own state of health when "healthy" can no longer exist for you, never? Because the illness or the symptoms you have simply don't go away. If it's a chronic illness. For two years, Jungkook has known he has a chronic illness. A chronic, benign, but incurable illness. He's created a special folder for it in the small filing cabinet in his apartment. It's piled high with medical findings, consultation reports, prescriptions, and referrals. Sorted chronologically. Perhaps this folder is the most organized place his apartment will ever have. Benign, another strange term. In Jungkook's personal opinion, depending on how he feels, he wouldn't immediately describe his illness as benign, but no one asked for his opinion.
Well, back to our question. Even if Jungkook can't answer that one, he's becoming increasingly aware of another fact. When your own symptoms are ignored for years and you're forced to survive more than live, your judgment suffers. You ask yourself far too often whether what you're feeling is real or whether you just need to pull yourself together a bit more. If only you weren't so sensitive, things would be better. You just have to try harder. And so you live somewhere between healthy and sick, between good and bad, black and white in a mixture of countless shades of gray. Sometimes lighter, sometimes darker. And sometimes you miss the point where the gray turns into black because you've been forced to get used to the darkness. Today is one of those days.
Jungkook convinces himself that he would have called an ambulance himself. Soon. If he'd found the strength to lift his curled-up body from the patterned bathroom tiles and then managed to crawl to his phone, which had been lying on the small pink bath mat and, if it could have, would have stared at him accusingly. And at the same time, he knows full well that this is a lie. After collapsing in the stairwell, supported by two paramedics and only a step away from the open front door, he's very grateful to whatever deities above exist. Grateful that Mingyu left his gym locker key at Jungkook's during their last spontaneous movie night with too much salty ramen. Grateful that his best friend has a key to his apartment. Grateful that he found him. And grateful that he learned to ignore Jungkook's "I'm fine" excuses long ago.
That same best friend is now sitting on the tiny fold-out seat against the wall of the ambulance, holding Jungkook's hand while he vomits loudly into a plastic bag. And he doesn't bat an eyelid. Only occasionally does his thumb run over the back of Jungkook's hand. A small gesture that says "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
In the emergency room, Jungkook's vital signs are taken, and after his condition is deemed not acutely life-threatening, they wheel him on a stretcher into a tiny treatment room. The friendly paramedics say their goodbyes, and then they don't see anyone else for quite a while. He longs for his hot water bottle and the frayed blanket on his bed. With difficulty, he rolls onto his side and pulls his legs up to his chest, clutching a fresh plastic bag tightly.
"Would you like something to drink?" Mingyu asks, stroking his friend's sweaty strands of hair at the back of his neck.
Jungkook shakes his head. He has no strength for words. Mingyu stares at the ticking clock on the wall. Then he snorts and stands up.
"I'll be right back. I'll try to find a doctor for you at this joke of a hospital. Don't run away."
Jungkook knows that he just wants to cheer him up, but he doesn't have the strength even for a tortured smile.
A little later, he hears a loud babble outside and Mingyu's voice getting louder and louder. A nurse comes in. Mingyu is hot on her heels. She casts a disparaging glance at Jungkook's curled-up figure.
"Please, your friend shouldn't make such a fuss. No one has ever died from a period. We all have to go through it. He should know that."
Jungkook tells himself that the woman with the deep wrinkles on her forehead and the hard eyes is probably just having a bad day. She isn't. Like so many before her that Jungkook has met on the countless doctor's visits to doctors' offices and hospitals.
"I give up. I explained to you that he doesn't just have one period. I want to talk to a doctor now, or I'll yell the whole place down." Towards the end, Mingyu really is screaming.
The nurse glares at him angrily. "If they don't calm down immediately, I'll call security." Mingyu gasps. At that moment, the door to the room opens again.
"What's going on here?" someone asks.
A tall figure steps into the bright light of the neon lights. The man is wearing a crisp white coat. Jungkook would never have thought that garment could look so good on a human being. Surely tailor-made. Almost immediately, the nurse fakes a smile.
"Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Kim. I was just explaining to this young gentleman that he's in a hospital and to please lower his voice."
The doctor looks at Mingyu, who is still staring at the nurse.
"And I was just asking for help that they wouldn't give us. My friend is in terrible pain. Here." Mingyu reaches into his backpack, which is under a pale green chair, and pulls out Jungkook's folder. "I have my friend's medical records with me, but no one wanted to look at them."
The doctor frowns, a wrinkle forms on his flawless face, opens the folder, and flips through a few pages. His expression darkens as he does so. He looks at Jungkook and then hands the folder back to Mingyu.
"I'll take over from here." He turns to the nurse. "You can go."
Once she's left the room, he pulls up the small black stool and rolls over to Jungkook's stretcher.
"Hello Jungkook. Is it okay if I call you Jungkook?"
Jungkook nods.
"Very well. My name is Dr. Kim, and I'll be taking care of you from now on. You have endometriosis and are here because of pain."
"It was diagnosed two years ago and had its first surgery around the same time. Then again last fall," Mingyu adds helpfully, and Dr. Kim nods.
"Then first of all, I'll give you something for the pain. I'll also take some blood and have some results checked. You'll get a morphine infusion, which works very quickly and lasts for about four to six hours. After that, we'll start you on conventional painkillers: alternating ibuprofen and paracetamol. For at least another 24 hours. While the infusion is working, unfortunately, you'll have to stay here. But your friend here will surely keep you company."
Mingyu nods in agreement.
While Dr. Kim speaks, he pulls some supplies out of a drawer, puts on gloves, and tears open plastic wrappers. He rolls up Jungkook's left sleeve and tightens the orange tourniquet.
"This might sting a bit. I'm being very careful."
And Jungkook is surprised. He's never had blood drawn or an IV inserted so quickly and precisely. The doctor knows his craft.
"It'll get better soon." Dr. Kim smiles encouragingly.
Jungkook closes his eyes and counts the ticks on the wall in his head. At 436, the pain finally subsides. He feels very light. A bit like he's wrapped in cotton wool and a gust of wind is gently letting him float through the air. It feels heavenly.
"Better?" Dr. Kim asks for confirmation.
Jungkook nods his head. "Thanks."
His tongue is heavy and it sounds a bit like he's slurring. Maybe he's even drooling. Oh God, that would be terribly embarrassing. The doctor stands up.
"I'll arrange for Jungkook to be transported to my ward. I can examine him more thoroughly there. I'll see you both soon," he explains before stepping out the door.
Just a little bit of rest, Jungkook thinks, letting himself be carried away by a very friendly darkness this time.
The next time he wakes up, he's lying on an incredibly comfortable couch in a large room. It's very warm under his back. The overhead light is dimmed. Jungkook squints up at Dr. Kims beautiful face.
"There you are again. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you in right now?"
A small light shines in Jungkook's eyes.
"Two," Jungkook mumbles, grinning blissfully.
The cotton wool is still there.
"That's very good." Dr. Kim puts the small light away. "I'm going to feel your abdomen now and do an ultrasound. I want to rule out the possibility that a cyst has burst and damaged an ovarian vessel. If the ultrasound is normal, the next step would be a transvaginal ultrasound to assess the currently detectable extent of the endometriosis lesions, but we'll wait for that until you're a bit more grounded and can give me your full consent, and I can inform my colleague in gynecology."
"I'm still here, too," Mingyu waves to Jungkook from an armchair by the window. He's holding a steaming mug. Jungkook gives a thumbs-up. Mingyu salutes playfully.
The doctor pushes Jungkook's T-shirt up, tucks a paper pad into his waistband, and pulls his pants down a little.
"This is going to be a little cold. If your pain changes at all, please let me know."
Cold gel is spread on his abdomen, but Jungkook barely notices. Then the ultrasound probe moves over his skin. Dr. Kim works very carefully and takes his time.
Then he smiles contentedly. Jungkook wonders if he can ask him about his dental care routine. Those teeth are so white.
"Good news. I don't see any free fluid. So there's no immediate need for surgical intervention at this time. You should get some more sleep, and as soon as my colleague starts work, I'll send him over."
Dr. Kim wipes Jungkook's stomach clean with a paper towel and spreads a blanket over him. He checks the clock in his lab coat pocket.
"That should be in about three hours. I'll see if I can get some more sleep." He winks at Mingyu and Jungkook.
Jungkook looks out at the window where Mingyu is sitting, but there are only the flashing lights of the city at night.
With the sunrise, a new day begins, and Jungkook has high hopes that it will be better than the last. Judging by the dark circles under his eyes, his best friend has slept even less than he has. A neatly folded pillow and a blanket lie on the chair in front of the window. When Jungkook opened his eyes, Mingyu was already awake and had just been talking quietly on the phone with his alpha. He sent Mingyu home right afterward. Before he left, he made Jungkook promise to call him immediately when he was released, so Mingyu could pick him up. After a shower in the small bathroom with tiny pre-packaged shampoo bottles and a date with a cheap toothbrush, Jungkook almost feels human again.
Now he's waiting for the gynecologist outside a treatment room. He writes Mingyu a quick message, but looks up when the sliding door at the end of the row of chairs opens. The man's step is springy, almost as if he were walking down a catwalk rather than a hospital corridor. He's wearing white trousers and a light blue kawaii top, but it could just as easily be the latest Gucci collection. His brilliant blond hair frames his face in soft waves, and his laugh is genuine as he extends his hand to Jungkook.
"Jeon Jungkook, I'm Park Jimin. Dr. Kim explained your case to me when we handed her over and assigned me the aftercare."
He unlocks the door to the treatment room and lets Jungkook in.
"Please sit down."
Dr. Park points to a large glass desk in front of which are two chairs. On the wall behind it hangs an oversized picture in various shades of red, pink, and orange. Upon second glance, Jungkook realizes that the anatomically correct shape of the clitoris has been abstractly depicted on canvas. To the right and left of the picture are shelves crammed full of specialist literature, some of which are stacked in front of a row of books, lending the room a cozy atmosphere. The smell is pleasant and only very faintly of disinfectant. Jungkook takes a seat and has to stop himself from restlessly picking at his nails. Dr. Park seems to notice, and his gaze softens just a touch.
"Don't worry, I don't bite. I know it can be difficult to trust a new doctor, especially when the topic is so intimate. Unfortunately, I can imagine that you haven't had particularly good experiences in the past. Many of my patients feel the same way; they have often suffered a long time, and I have set myself the goal of making the treatment as pleasant as possible." To make it as responsive and appreciative as possible. My patients are on equal footing with me. They know their bodies better than I ever could. I rely on their expertise in this field. We're colleagues with the same goal. Does that sound okay?"
The doctor tilts his head.
Jungkook takes a deep breath: "Sounds great."
Dr. Park's speech has touched something in him, and he has to blink. The doctor discreetly pushes the pretty box of tissues a little more toward Jungkook, but he manages to hold back the tears that are welling up.
"Would you like to tell me what the current status is before I examine you?"
Dr. Park types something into his computer.
"I had to stop my current hormone therapy three weeks ago because I've been getting migraines almost every day."
Dr. Park nods in understanding. "Unfortunately, that's a common side effect."
"I should wait for my period before we talk about a new medication. It came yesterday morning, and well, it's what brought me here." Jungkook attempts a wry grin.
Dr. Park's fingers fly over the keyboard.
"During the last surgery, endometriosis lesions were removed from your right ovary, bladder, and Douglas space. I've read the report."
Jungkook nods.
The doctor stands up and smiles.
"Then let's take a look at it. You can change in the small adjoining room over there. There are shirts on the shelf by the wall. Just take your size."
Jungkook is very grateful for the thin shirt that reaches down to his thighs as he walks barefoot to the pink monstrosity of an examination chair a little later. At least this way he doesn't feel quite so naked. Goosebumps form on his calves. Dr. Park sits on a small stool.
"You're welcome to sit on my luxury chair. I personally tried it out before purchasing it, and the feedback from my patients has been consistently positive. And I always tell you upfront: if you feel like you're about to fall to the floor and are sitting way too far forward, then you're sitting exactly right."
He smiles.
Jungkook resolutely climbs onto the oversized examination chair and immediately notices that it's incredibly comfortable. Then he slides his bottom so far forward that he actually feels like he's about to slide off.
"Perfect. Don't be alarmed. I'm going to take you upstairs now."
Dr. Park activates a small remote control. It buzzes, and the examination chair slowly moves upwards and tilts slightly backwards.
"If I may, I'd like to first feel your abdomen and examine your external genital area. After that, I'll perform a vaginal examination. Please call me out immediately if anything is uncomfortable, feels strange, or if you have any questions."
The doctor disinfects his hands once more and puts on a fresh pair of gloves. Then he feels Jungkook's abdomen. Dr. Park's touch is gentle, so Jungkook hardly notices he's being touched. It's only when he reaches his lower right abdomen that he feels a slight pinch, and he lets the doctor know. The palpation of his external genital area is also brief and largely painless.
"I'm going to use the speculum now, but don't worry. I always use the smallest model; we can always upgrade to a larger size if necessary, and all our devices are preheated. And one of my mottos is, lube is our best friend. Please let me know if any of my movements are uncomfortable."
Jungkook tries to breathe calmly, but he can feel himself involuntarily tensing up. He's acting like a baby. Damn. Dr. Park's voice pulls him from his thoughts.
"Hey, Jungkook. Calm down. We can stop here. You don't have to force yourself to do anything."
What he says is sincere.
"It's okay," Jungkook murmurs, releasing his cramped hands from the sides of the examination chair.
Dr. Park's left hand gently rests on his lower abdomen. "Breathe calmly. In and out. Nicely against my hand." Jungkook concentrates on his breaths and on sending the inhaled air as deep into his body as possible.
"You're doing very well. Just keep breathing."
He counts his breaths. Briefly, he feels a slight pressure and is surprised when Dr. Park says,
"Everything's fine here. I'll continue with the ultrasound now. Or do you need a short break?"
"No, it's okay." Jungkook shakes his head.
He wants it over with, and no one has ever been as gentle as Dr. Park. The doctor puts a condom over the ultrasound probe and applies a generous amount of lubricant. Nevertheless, Jungkook hisses as the probe is inserted and squints his eyes. It stings.
"I know. I'm sorry, almost there."
Once the first few centimeters are overcome, things are going reasonably well. Dr. Park carefully moves the device back and forth and then he points to the screen.
"Unfortunately, I see new infiltrations here in the rectovaginal area. Hormone treatment is unfortunately no guarantee that endometriosis won't spread further even after successful surgery, even though many people believe this misconception. I assume you probably also experience pain during intercourse."
Jungkook nods and feels the heat rising in his cheeks.
His previous sexual experiences were a disaster. Too many alphas were inconsiderate assholes or were afraid to even touch Jungkook when they heard about his symptoms. For a long time, Jungkook thought he was broken and simply couldn't understand why his body reacted to something as natural as sex with pain. His last long-term relationship broke up shortly after the diagnosis. He simply didn't have the energy to be with someone who wanted to be mothered when he was struggling with his own health. Since the symptoms became more severe again, he has completely eliminated vaginal penetration from his masturbation routine. And unfortunately, arousal sometimes hurts these days. Which is a huge bummer. But he definitely wasn't going to tell the doctor that.
"You can get dressed again."
Dr. Park carefully removes the ultrasound probe and hands Jungkook a paper towel so he can clean off the gel.
"I'd like to talk about your blood work and the next steps."
A few minutes later, Jungkook is back at his desk.
"Let's be honest. At this point, I'm not recommending another surgery. The last one wasn't long ago, and every further operation carries risks. I have a relatively new hormone preparation in mind that might be a better fit. So that we can regulate your symptoms as well as possible, I recommend that, along with a new pain medication. Of course, with regular check-ups and an eye on your well-being and possible side effects. But there's something else that worries me more. The blood values, which reflect your omega's condition, are a complete disaster. I can't and won't sugarcoat it. Jungkook, please don't misunderstand me; this is absolutely not a reproach, and you are in no way to blame for it. Endometriosis affects the sex life of those affected in very different ways, and unfortunately, it turns out that your omega's needs suffer greatly, which in turn isn't conducive to your health. There are wonderful therapists for this, too, who will dedicate themselves entirely to your needs in a protected environment and help you restore the balance between you and your omega."
Dr. Park hands Jungkook a simple business card.
"Please consider it. I highly recommend it."
Jungkook looks at the text on the high-quality paper.
Dr. Kim Namjoon
Omega Health Specialist and Sex Therapist
Below is an email address and a phone number.