Chapter Text

Spring 6 - Year 2

SC campaign started, really excited to see what Seb comes up with this time. The worlds he builds are so detailed. It took so long to find a group like this, even when I was in the city. There were more groups but everyone would get busy, group would fall apart. Someone would start drama, group would fall apart. And the stories weren’t even that good.

I felt so embarrassed, though. Everything was going FINE until we ended. I wasn’t sure which sweatshirt was mine or his so I sniffed it when he turned his back to put things away. It WASN’T mine, it smelled nice. Not like I don’t smell nice or anything, but it smelled like clove cigarettes and some kind of cologne. And gasoline. Not sure why that smells nice, but all together, it did. God it smelled so good. I thought I had enough time and went in for one more sniff, I just huffed it. When I put it down, Seb was staring at me. He laughed and I tried to explain that I thought it was mine, then he said “why would you sniff your own sweatshirt like that”

I think we’re cool. He didn’t seem grossed out or ?? I don’t know. I can never tell if he has a thing for Abby, I know she has one for him. I can’t really see myself being his type anyways. It really does seem like it’ll be water under the bridge but god. Sam invited me to their show on Saturday. I’ll go, obviously, but I’m glad I can just hide in the fucking crowd all night.

The first year was agonizing. I watched her with practiced indifference, chewed the inside of my mouth as I watched her flit around at the festivals. Daphne was, without a doubt, a beautiful woman. She poured out of her dress at that first Flower Dance, all swinging hips and full breasts. She was fertility. I’d never wanted children, I couldn’t understand Sam’s obsession with recreating the same dynamics that left us in a small, backwater town bored and hungry for purpose. Yet, when I watched her, I understood. I ached for her in some way, to leave her full of me with something she could never erase.

It was a challenge to watch her talk. Her dimples came in and out of existence, deepening when she smiled. The dusting of freckles across her nose looked like stars gathering across the darkening planes of her skin, a deepening tan as her farm work progressed. She was so beautiful, of course the others noticed.

I spent the summer convincing Sam that she wasn’t worth his time, that she wasn’t even his type. I tried to drive that writer from town, I thought enough unsavory rumors shared at mom’s exercise group would convince him to leave. He wrote a whole book in her honor, a baudy romance novel. I had to do something. At least, I thought I did.

The strength I showed in that first year was Herculean. I never entered Daphne’s home without her explicit permission. The first time she invited me over, I patiently sat in my place before her tv and console as she put together our drinks and our snacks. I remained there when she left for the bathroom. When I needed to use the bathroom myself, I only glanced at the open bedroom door. I peeked at the pajamas across the foot of her bed. I didn’t pry, I didn’t run my hands along the things that didn’t belong to me yet.

I hadn’t known how discerning she was, how wise until this Spring. I finally snapped. She had avoided me for days. Chats unanswered, waved and rushed past me in town. I worried if she’d make it to see my band play. I broke into a sweat as I waited for her to answer the door, became completely drenched when she answered.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, I was checking if you were still coming Saturday.”

“Oh mm. Yeah, I mean, I said I would.”

“Cool, cool. I’ll pick you up at 5.”

“Pick me up?”

“Yeah, we can take my bike. Don’t want to take the bus if I don’t have to.”

My heart pounded, I was afraid she might hear me. She had sniffed my sweater, a warm grin spread across her face as she smelled me. I was so afraid, so afraid to be wrong. The blush grew over her cheeks, her eyes wide with horror. Horror or shame? Excitement or trepidation? God, god, god.

“Oh. I’d really like that, Seb.”

My name on her lips. Seb. I bounced on my heels, “Well, uhh. See you Saturday.” I turned to leave but the pressure of her hand on the bare skin of my forearm stopped me dead in my tracks.

“Do you want to stay for a coffee or something? I just made some.” I bit my lip and slunk into her kitchen, stiff to hide my shaking limbs. I slid into my usual spot on a floor cushion at the low table, nodding as she brought my cup. “So, the campaign seems really good so far.”

She was nervous. Her blush remained, her voice tentative. I couldn’t stifle a smirk, “You think so?”

“Your world building was good on the last one, but this feels special. There’s so much mystery built up from day one, I feel suspicious of everyone. The fuckin’ innkeep? There are for sure bodies in the wine cellar.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” She laughed a chiming laugh, too high and too long for the quality of my joke. She was nervous and she was flirting. She rambled, dimples growing as she smiled. A sheepish, small smile as her eyes moved from my own to her lips. “You know what I mean?”

I’d lost the thread of conversation. “Yeah, yeah sure.”

“You mean it?” What had I agreed to? She exhaled deeply, rolling her eyes. “It’s a relief, thank you. It’s crazy when people say guys and girls can’t just be friends, and I…god, Seb. Your friendship has meant a lot to me in the last few months. I’m glad I didn’t complicate anything.”

“How…why would you complicate anything?”

“You’re nicer than anyone gives you credit for, you know.” Her eyes glistened before she dove in for a hug. I hardly had the chance to squeeze her, to crush her body into mine before she pulled away with frantic apologies.

“Uh, Daph, can I use your bathroom?”

She pressed her hands to her red cheeks, it took all of my remaining strength to keep from touching her face myself. I bolted from the couch, quieting my steps as I passed her bedroom. I peeked, she had moved to the kitchen to pace. Anything to clarify what I had missed, to understand her better. Her diary taunted me from atop the dresser. I snatched it, slid it into the pocket of my sweatshirt and crept to the bathroom. I locked the door, scanning the pages. 

Sebastian. Seb. Sebby. Detailed accounts of days I remembered, from her perspective. My sunburn at the beach last summer, how badly she wanted to teach me how to swim. Catching me asleep during a movie, wishing she could move my hair out of my eyes. Lashing out at herself for a dumb crush. My cock tented my pants, I staggered from lightheadedness. I didn’t know how much time had passed, how long it would take for my erection to ease.

I couldn’t take the diary for further inspection, but I could have something. Something as proof of this moment, of confirmation that the last year hadn’t lived entirely in my mind. She loved me, too. I dug through the cupboard, through the laundry. One pair of cotton panties, carefully slipped into my pants. I fought the urge to stay as I felt the cotton pressed between my cock and the tight fabric of my briefs. I walked to her bedroom as delicately as I could, replacing the diary before wandering back to her. 

God, she looked so defeated. Still, I wouldn’t rush this, I had waited so long already. I would do it perfectly. I’d give her the world and more. She had hoped she could hide in the darkness at my show, that she would slip into the sea of faces. She could never.

In my wildest fantasies, I have a penthouse in Zuzu. I’ve made so much money that I own it outright. The band took off and we’ve toured the world, but I always come home to this place at the end of it all. Daphne is waiting for me on the balcony, eyes glittering as she stands along the city skyline. She was desperate for me, she counted the days until I came home. She can’t wait to show me how much she missed me, on her knees before I can blink, her tongue professing love in wordless ways that make me groan and clutch the railing.

The morning of the concert, I pretended that her panties were her mouth, that the pillow I clutched was the railing of a lavish condo. The ceiling fan was a cool breeze blowing in from the sea. I could take her from behind and I wouldn’t have to ask, she’d know that I loved to hear her scream my name where everyone could hear. Twenty stories below, people would know that she was mine. Orgasm came for me before I could see the tide on the horizon, it swept me under as I imagined her shrill, singing my name into the wind “Sebastian.”

The day ticked by slowly. I didn’t often work Saturdays, but that day I did. I tried, at least. Freelance work, tax filings. I had aged out of my mother’s health insurance, it was nearly time to buy a new plan. It was agony knowing the night ahead of me. Six hours until I would leave to pick her up turned to three.

I lit a cigarette on my way to Sam’s to pack instruments and load them onto the bus. My bike had enough gas to make it to the city and back. I'd picked up a second helmet last Fall when I first imagined her riding with me. I had imagined her slender hands sliding under my jacket, squeezing my shirt. She was fearless in so many ways, but I liked imagining her afraid on the back of a motorcycle with me for comfort. Only me in the darkness, her clutching to my body for safety.

She struck me in the town square, flipping her hair with a casual hand as she laughed. Her body obscured his face, but not his stocky body and pale blue uniform. Shane held something in his hands that made her laugh, that made her bounce with joy. I ducked behind a fence to crane my neck, squinting to see a baby chick wiggling between his fingers. I knew it would be wise to hide from her, but I had to see her face. I had to see her dimples appear for him, her freckles like stars. She grinned for him the way I thought she had only grinned for me, plump lips spread so thin.

I rushed past her in the shadows, behind the fence, behind Emily’s house to Sam’s. I climbed in through the window, rolling

onto his bed. Abby wailed, “Ow, watch it man!” I shoved myself from her, mumbling apologies.

Sam chuckled, “You can’t use the door?”

“Just used to it now.”

“We’re adults, my mom won’t kick you out anymore.”

All I could do was shrug. If I spoke, I might have betrayed bubbling rage. Abigail could smell it on me, sliding up behind me, as intimate as a lover as she rest her head on my shoulder. “Sebby’s embarrassed about something.”

“Not embarrassed, just annoyed.”

Sam’s lips quirked into a grin, “Some girl got you worked up?”

“Worked up about the show, dumbass.”

Sam had always been this dopey, golden retriever of a man. Like a dog chasing a car, but the car was often shaped like a woman or food. Not a woman, Sam. It was hard to understand him before Daphne, his fixation on women. How easily nice legs could turn his head, how the slightest bit of attention won him. Yet, her attention won or lost could ruin my entire week. 

“You wanna practice one more time before we go?”

“Nah, we have to take all this shit apart, Sam.”

“Alright, alright. Easy now, officer.”

 Spring 10 - Year 2

I didn’t know what to expect. When Seb came over and I told him that I had a crush on him and I respected his feelings (or lack thereof), I hugged ????? him. God. So he BOLTS and goes to hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes. It felt like an hour. What was I thinking? I HUGGED HIM. I panicked. I thought I smoothed it over then I made it weird.

He still showed up on Saturday, right at 5. I heard his bike coming up the road. He just stopped and tossed a helmet at me. I must have paused too long or just looked like I didn’t know how helmets worked, so he lifted his visor and got off the bike. He took it out of my hands and smoothed back my hair, put the helmet on me. It was so gentle. 

The ride was NOT gentle. God, I was so scared. I didn’t realize how tightly I’d have to hold on. I was embarrassed to touch him like that, especially after our talk earlier in the week. I squeezed the leather of his jacket, I squeezed his hips with my knees. I genuinely thought I would fall off, but I have to admit that it was nice. His so thin and lanky but I like the feeling of him on me. God, and he smelled good. So fucking good. 

Seb helped me off the bike, he got me a beer and told me I handled it pretty well for my first time. The way he said it, it almost felt like he was toying with me. It felt so flirtatious, a double meaning lingering between the words. I chugged my beer feeling like an idiot for imagining things. I found Shane, embarrassed once again. I didn’t know he would be there, I wouldn’t have drank if I knew. Still, it was comforting to see a familiar face. We talked until it started, I pinched my lips when I wasn’t talking so he wouldn’t have to smell the beer on my breath.

Then, it happened. I didn’t think…whew. It was surprising. I didn’t think Shane felt anything over this last year, but his hand slid into mine. Pressed together in the darkness, squished between a mass of bodies in the bar, he snatched my hand into his. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know how we went from “Fuck off, leave me alone” to friendship at all. Now this, now him holding my hand and sweating into my side.

It was a balm in the moment. I haven't dated in years, hadn’t been touched in forever. Humiliated myself with a friend on my first try then there was Shane, wanting whatever it is that he wants. He invited me out to a gridball game this week. I felt like an asshole parting with him to go ride home with Seb, but I’m not sure why. It’s not like I’m dating Seb, he doesn’t like me that way. I wonder if he likes anyone that way. He’s cold with everyone, not just me. It stings a little less to remember that. It was just a crush, I got to see his fabulous show. Just a crush, he didn’t feel the same, something might spark with someone else. It might not, I don’t fuckin know. It’s just a lot so fast after so little for so long. God bless the man who breaks my dry spell, hope he’s strong with some real stamina.

Fucking Shane. Their hands were hidden behind the crowd, but I could see him leaning into her and grinning. Fucking idiot loser, alcoholic garbage. I wondered if this was the very first time that he had touched her, if her laughter with him happened often. I knew they were close, but I thought he knew his place. I knew she was kind and saw the good in everyone, but I thought she had learned to be discerning. I thought she knew that she was mine, that I loved her, too.

The ride home dragged on. I didn’t want to make her doubt me, I didn’t want to put a single question in her mind but I let her go without a word. I waved and waited until I saw her go inside. The walk back was more of a sprint, I had to return my bike. She had to hear me leave but she couldn’t hear me return.

Fucking smart locks. I had tried to explain to my mother how easily they could be hacked, but she told me no one in the valley would do something like that. She said it was much easier than carrying a key, that it would be good for George and Evelyn if the doctor knew the code in case of emergencies. It might get the farmer to stay if she could see that we weren’t some backwater, that we were adapting to the times. It was worth it to install on remodels, it made the house look a little nicer. For once, I have to agree.

I tested the integrity of her floors, pausing and readjusting at the slight creaks. Enough time had passed, and the light whistle of her snore became audible the closer I came. She left her windows open, but I suppose it makes sense on a warm spring night when you sleep on the second story. Still, the tree outside was so dangerous. It looked easily climbable with a strong limb at the right height to perch. Anyone could sit there and watch her, anyone could take advantage of her. She never thought of her safety, especially with a man like Shane. He’d driven drunk, he had killed the two people he loved most in this world. What would he do to her?

I slipped her diary from the dresser, scanning the pages for my name once again. A recent entry. She had come home from tonight to shower, she still smelled like peach blossom shampoo. Perhaps she had sat right there, in the corner at the table to write my name again and again. Oh, Daph. She had loved touching me, she loved the feel of me. She really thought I didn’t want her. She thought Shane did, that something "might spark". Oh, Daph. I turned to watch the rise and fall of her chest. Her shape was so tempting. I returned to my work, carrying the book into the kitchen to snap photos of every page. I ran my fingers along her words.

Winter 16 - Year 1

Seb went on a date last night. He left the saloon early to zip up to Zuzu. His hair looked really good and god, he smelled so nice. I don’t know why I’m obsessed with his smell. I wonder what kind of cologne he wears. I feel like such a creep. It’s none of my business, but he looked unusually put together. Fresh jewelry on his piercings like he bought it for a special occasion. Abby teased him and he admitted he met someone on the apps.

It feels so dumb to be sad about it. So, so dumb. I wanted to cry when I heard his motorcycle echo out of town. Sam was really nice. He knows how I feel, he’s not as dumb as people say. He knows Seb and said it wasn’t serious. Ugh. Why am I so stuck on him, anyways? We have the same nerdy hobbies, we don’t have much else in common. Why do I feel so fucking alive when I’m with him? He makes me laugh so hard. I feel on edge and at ease in ways I’ve never been before when we’re together. Fuck, Seb.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to rush back into her room and take her right there. I made her feel alive, on edge and at ease in ways she had never felt before. I crept back in, weighing my luck. The diary slid onto the dresser without a sound, and I slipped into bed beside her. She rolled onto her side, tucking her face into my sweatshirt, clutching her fingers into the pilled fabric. Her shirt rode up on her hip. God, she wasn’t wearing anything beneath. Her bare ass taunted me. 

The smell was faint, but I could recognize it anywhere. The same scent that glazed the panties under my pillow wafted to me in her bed. My cock strained against my pants as I imagined her sitting at her desk to write about me, Shane be damned. Guilty that she rode home with me, arms clutching me to her. Did the vibration send her into a frenzy? Did she touch herself after she laid down, thinking that she should let him down easy? Did she think of my clove cigarettes and cologne as she grew wet, imagining my fingers there instead of hers?

She slept so deeply. I couldn’t take what she hadn’t offered to me, I couldn’t have her under my hands just yet. Still, I couldn’t stand it. Being so close to her, rock hard knowing that she had thought of me for so long. My zipper was a little too loud, and I thought of the mechanics of jerking my cock while I laid beside her. She stirred as I got up, flopping onto her back as I tensed myself in silence. She lay splayed out, arms and legs wide. I could see the glimmer of wetness between her thighs, the puff of pink skin loved too hard until it was inflamed and exhausted. 

She loves me, I thought. She’s imagined my hands on her, inside of her, I thought. She wrote that she wondered what my cock feels like, what I must taste like. I moved as if possessed, two fingers sliding along her slit slowly so as to not wake her. I gathered her wetness, sliding it along myself and licking the remainder from my fingers. God, she tasted like heaven. I pumped my cock with her wetness as I watched her, exhausted from her thoughts of me. I could hardly stop the weak grunt that escaped me, I rushed to collect my release as it spilled from my hands. A few drops hit her sheets, her thigh. She moaned and frowned, turning onto her stomach. I bit my lip to contain one more moan as she lay face down, ass up. I had to control myself, I had to make this perfect for her. Not in her sleep, she would see me. She would see the hunger in my eyes, she would beg to feed me.

Chapter Text

Sebastian,

I know where you were last night, naughty boy. Jacking off onto her after reading her diary? She lives in the sun and you skulk around in the night. How could she ever love you? 

Stay away.

Xoxo,

The sun to your shadow

I retched into the bushes. Who had seen me? Who had been on the farm so late at night beside me? Shane wasn’t eloquent enough to write anything like this, he could barely muster a “fuck off” and a burp. The writer had been off on a book tour for weeks, but he could be back by now.

Anyone who had seen what I had done the night before had to have used the tree, but how did it escape my notice? Was I so lost to her in that moment that I couldn’t hear the strain of someone climbing? Scraping shoes against the bark? Seen the shift of a figure in the distance?

I stumbled down to the beach looking for signs of life from Elliot’s cabin. Smoked two cigarettes before I decided no one was home, that I could look through the window. Suitcases sat next to the door, clothes strewn across the bed. Someone had recently gotten back into town, someone who had a way with words. He hadn’t taken her rejection well, he had used the newly formed open mic night at the saloon to recite truly terrible poetry about unrequited love. Hold your judgement, I genuinely thought he might hurt Daphne. He acts like a luddite, but I’ve seen his posts. He also acts like he’s the most intelligent man in the room, I promise you he is not. He can’t hide his IP address from me. Besides, he gives away too much identifying information in the body of the post itself. He’d like to be found, praised. 

Daphne had only been friendly to him. Kind, encouraging. He rewarded her with vile posts to forums. Upskirt photographs, close ups of her soaked breasts clinging together under her bikini at the beach. Stories about “Me (M31)” and “my neighbor (F27)”, fantasies about what he might do to her if only he could get her alone for once. I reported every single one, but it does so little. Got one of the forums banned, but he would pop up in new places, writing fanfiction about his time spent with her.

I had to stop him then, the town needed to know that he was a creep. I didn’t want to say what he had done, I didn’t want to frighten Daphne. If she felt unsafe in the valley, she might leave. She had to know that I was protecting her, even if I couldn’t tell her how or that it was me at all. Instead, I wrote letters. I mimicked his hand, learned the style of his prose. Mailed them to Leah. He seemed close enough to her that it was believable, she would soon be his victim if he moved on from Daph. I told my mother what I had “heard online”, that he was known in circles in the city. He had been accused of so many things in his writing circle, that he had taken advantage of a girl he had tutored. It wasn’t entirely untrue, he had slept with a student ten years his junior. He was known as a rake, not a predator, but he should be.

Yet, here he was, back in Pelican Town. He had been politely asked not to return to the saloon, Leah had started walking home with Shane on Friday nights. He avoided dances, luaus, he left for weeks at a time to promote his book. Still, here he was, skulking about Pierre’s. Here he was, breathing the same air as Daphne. He looked guilty, or maybe just ashamed after the events of the last year. I had broken him down and devoured him. I had savored every moment of it. She trusted him, she thought of him as a friend. She posed for pictures with him on the beach, gleefully accepting one to pin on a board over her desk. She hadn’t imagined that it would be zoomed in on and shared with strangers behind glowing screens.

Elliott caught my eye, wincing as he felt my gaze. Look at me. I walked past him, nudging into him with my shoulder. I could taste it. His fear. He felt pathetic in my eyes. He should. He should feel so, so fucking weak.

Shane wasn’t entirely out of the question. I knew now that he liked her, but how much was in question. Perhaps it was a crush he could be persuaded out of, perhaps he was hopelessly in love. I wandered to Joja Mart to seek my answer. Sam danced to a too loud song pouring from his headphones as he mopped, “Yo!” he cried as I pulled them from him.

“I gotta take a leak, can I have your key?”

“Make it fast, Morris will chew my ass if he sees you back there.”

I stormed past the employee restroom, watching for prying eyes as I made my way to the locker room. Shane’s locker was easy to find, it was the only undecorated one. His password was easy as well, we all know Jas’ birthday. His phone was unlocked. At least he seemed to be an honest man.

Shane

It’s will call so we don’t need to pick up anything before

Daph 

Okay cool

What time do we need to leave>

Shane

Uhh be at the bus stop at 5-ish. Pam will wait but it’s an hour drive

If she forgets we'll just take the truck

Daph

👍👍

I don’t understand sports but I’m really excited :’D

Shane

Hahahah

It’s ok I’ll explain

A date. I scrolled higher and higher, they had talked for so long. Intimate things for nearly a year. He thanked her for the night she dragged him to the hospital, for staying by his side until he woke up the next morning. She apologized for being so short with him at the Winter Star festival, she had to give me my gift. She had searched for a frozen tear for days, she polished it to a shine. He promised he understood, said it wasn’t that serious. For fuck’s sake, he wished her good luck with me.

He trusted and respected her. He wouldn’t hide in the trees to watch her intimate moments, could he even climb? He wouldn’t hide from her like this, but he was a fucking problem.

The door slammed suddenly. Perhaps Shane was more agile than I originally thought. He gripped me by my shirt, pressing me into the locker, “What the fuck, man?” I dropped his phone, he finally released me to pick it up from the linoleum. “You went through my phone?”

I froze, what could I say? He flipped through the texts, “Is this about Daphne?”

“Yeah.”

“Look, man. She liked you for a long time. I just took a swing and I didn’t miss, it’s up to her what she wants to do next.”

I reassessed. How could I convince him not to tell her? He clearly cared for her, he could be a useful tool. “I got some uhh..I got some upsetting mail this morning.” I pulled the crumpled letter from my pocket and handed it to him. I watched the gears turn in his mind.

“And you thought I sent you this? To keep you off of her?”

“I mean, maybe. I saw you two at the concert, I thought you were mad I gave her a ride home or something.”

“No, dude. I know we aren’t friends or anything but I’m not crazy. You should know that. Come on, ‘the sun to your shadow’? Why the fuck would I write some shit like this?”

“I’m at a loss, I don’t know where to start. Am I in danger, is she?”

“Have you showed it to anyone?”

“No, just thought I’d start here.”

“Well, don’t. She’s safe with me. So are you, I guess.”

You aren’t, Shane. You aren’t safe with me. “That’s a fucking relief.”

“What about that Elliot guy? He took it real hard last year when she rejected the bouquet.”

I feigned surprise, I pulled my face in the ways I saw in true crime documentaries, “You really think he’s capable of something like this?”

“He’s a writer, he’d make up some shit like that.” No way, genius.

“Just please don’t tell her. I don’t want her to be scared. She’s my friend and…she just means a lot to me. Give me some time to figure this out.”

He sighed, scanning my face, “Okay. Here, let me give you my number. If I learn anything, I’ll let you know.” I pulled out my phone, nodding as he typed his name in. “If anything else comes up, we’re telling her. She deserves to know. And you need to update me. She’s only safe with me if I know what to look out for.”

I nodded one more time, escaping the room as quickly as I could. I really did believe him. He was so earnest. She’s only safe with me if I know what to look out for. I thought of how gently he spoke to her when she said that she had to give me my gift. I tried to imagine her sprawled out on her bed, bashfully telling a friend how badly she wanted to give me something. I hated knowing that he might take her to Zuzu for a gridball game and hold her hand again. He might kiss her, he might lure her closer with his sad sack stories. 

I had to put it to the side for her sake, I had to find the person watching her with hungry eyes and dark intentions. She was for my eyes alone.

Spring 16 - Year 2

Wowowowowowowowow. Shane is sleeping. FUCK. He kissed me at the end of the game. He said he got excited and didn’t mean it, but he grinned the whole time. He kissed me again on the ride home. Just pulled over Marnie’s truck and dove his tongue into my mouth. It wasn’t gentle, it wasn’t what I imagined. It was so hungry, so needy.

When we got back to the farm, I asked if he wanted a coffee and he said ~ yes ~ 

So we sit and make our small talk, still grinning. Drank two cups of coffee, I watched him tap his fingers on his knee. I thought “wow I’m this fucked up about a man wearing cargo shorts and crocs” but he’s my friend. He’s solid, he’s…mm. He really sees me. He asked if he could kiss me again and I jumped into his lap. Our clothes disappeared so fast, then there was the knock at the door.

I heard Marnie calling for me and Shane answered the door just as I got my shirt back on. It was so awkward, but he explained that we were having some coffee after the game. He was “explaining sports”, “You know she’s never seen a gridball before today”, etc, etc. Marnie looked like she knew, of course she knows. Shane’s grin was so dumb. For as embarrassed as he was, he couldn’t stop grinning.

He was scared Marnie’s visit spoiled the mood, but I lead him to my bed. I had hoped that the man who broke my dry spell would be strong with great stamina and I wasn’t disappointed. He played gridball once upon a time. His work is so labor intensive, too. His body is soft in some ways, but there’s so much muscle beneath the layers. It was so…WHEW. I’m actually drooling a bit thinking about it. It was beautiful. Cathartic in a way. A release of feelings I didn’t even know I had.

It’s kind of a relief, too. I never had anything with Sebastian, it felt silly being so sad about it. Maybe I can let it go. Being held, being absolutely devoured by someone who adores me? It’s enough, I think.

He wasn’t the most dangerous threat, but Shane was still a threat. She looked giddy as she leaned against the railing to talk to him. He had been famously sober over the last several months, but he looked drunk off of adoration as he followed her in. I should have watched the field, I should have scoped out who else might be adoring her. Instead, I hid on the porch to watch them on the couch. I ducked behind crates as Marnie approached, I nearly retched as I heard Shane’s tone. So what, he knows sports. So what, he can teach her. She knows so much, she’s a genius in so many ways. Wise in matters of the heart that I could never understand. 

I followed them upstairs, climbing up the tree. He stripped the clothes from her again and took all that she offered. Slender but thick, I watched her round ass bounce as she rode him desperately. Oh, Daph. How could you be so desperate for him? She didn’t make him wear a condom. He dripped down her leg as she tried to get out of bed, but he shoved her back down, he pulled her thighs to his sides to take her again and again. I felt sick. I promised myself I would give her a long bath, I’d scrub him from her. I’d wash away the lingering scent of him until she only smelled of peach blossoms and clove. 

I’d had the opportunity, but I never looked in her medicine cabinet. Was she on birth control? What if she got pregnant? What if she carried his short, stubby child? He couldn’t take care of her. I hardly could, but I’d find a way. I’d take on more freelance jobs, I’d move onto the farm. I’d force the band to do better, I’d buy her a penthouse in Zuzu. Shane? He’d panic and relapse. He wasn’t strong enough for what she deserved, he’d leave her more alone than she was before they met. Breathing became difficult as I thought of it, her round and fragile. Needy and delicate. I couldn’t catch the branch as I swayed and landed in the dirt with a thud.

It hurt so badly. Fuck, it hurt so bad. I heard the crunch of bones on impact, but I didn’t have time to just lie there. I heard Shane’s feet barrel down the stairs. I was out into the treeline before he could catch me. He was strong, he was fast, but not strong or fast enough. I caught my breath, hiding between the pines as he stalked through the corn fields. Daphne called his name from the porch. He came closer, closer still until a twig snapped a good twenty feet away from me. A dark figure grew taller in the distance, readying a sprint. It disappeared deeper into the forest as Shane pursued it. I took the chance to sneak off in the other direction, regretting leaving her. Shane would give up his chase soon, he would get back to her. He would see Daphne safely inside. He had scared off the shadow, but who could it be?

Abigail sighed, doodling on my cast as she eyed the tea on the table, “You sound like my mom.”

Sam shoved her arm, “C’mon, we’re refined now. We are touring musicians.”

She snorted, “We played one out of town show, and since when are rockstars refined?”

Daphne sipped up the tea without question, humming her praise of the heavy lavender notes. Anything to mask the taste, to make it smell like everyone else's. The campaign ran smoothly, Daph laughed at my NPC voices and played her part perfectly. She leaned into me, warm breast against my shoulder to help me adjust things on the table as I worked with one functioning arm. It went fine as she clutched her stomach, ending early citing food poisoning from the hot dogs at a gridball game.

Sebastian,

The tea was inspired. It disgusted me to watch her bring him into her house, but you must have been horrified watching the rest of the night unfold yourself. Knowing that he ran his dirty body along her perfect skin, knowing every little way he touched her. I heard it all, unfortunately. He fucks her so roughly like he has no idea what’s in his hands. She’s so delicate. He shoved himself into her, smeared her insides with himself. The tea was inspired, Seb. No consequences for a one time mistake. Blameless and pure still.

If you truly are the monster I think you are, you’ll make sure he has no hands at all. Nothing to use her with, nothing to take her for granted with.

X

The sun to my shadow had heard it all. It heard the rough slapping of Shane against Lua, of her crying his name into the night. She did leave her window open, after all. Shane was invested in caring for her, in keeping her safe while I unravelled this mystery. I would need to clear him from the board eventually, but not yet. He was where I could not be, he was beside her. He was inside her, he probably brushed her hair with his fingers and soothed her to sleep the last few nights. He probably held her hair as she retched into the toilet. If they keep this up, if I can’t confirm that she’ll be safe from pregnancy, he would do it all over again. I wouldn’t take the hands that could keep her safe.

Band practice ran long, Abigail not satisfied with the opening to a new song. Sam’s voice grew ragged from singing again and again. The hours passed, the sky grew dark. I needed to get to the farm, to watch from a distance. I needed to make sure her window was shut. Sam’s deft fingers lost their edge as he played the wrong note again and again. He smirked at me, “Damn, I think I really uhh…I gotta get something to eat, Abs. Look at me. Everything sounds like shit right now.”

“So we practice until we get it right.”

“It’s not about practice, it’s about rest. We should call it for tonight.”

She threw her sticks, groaning. “You aren’t taking this seriously enough, Sam.”

“Yell at me about it after you’ve had dinner and some sleep.”

She snatched her jacket from a hook beside his bedroom door, “Gladly”. It slammed behind her, an echo in her cymbals.

I rubbed my eyes. I was, admittedly, very tired by then. “Thank you, man. I gotta fuckin’ go.”

“Where’s the fire?”

My guard was down, I had played for hours on hours after being wired with stress from the morning’s letter. “Uhh I kind of wanted to stop by the farm and check up on Daph.”

Sam bounced on the balls of his feet, hands in his pockets, “Hah! I knew it, man! You like her!”

“It’s not like that, she’s got Shane.”

“Oookay, so what is it like, then?”

“I’ve been getting these weird letters telling me to stay away from her, Shane saw someone running around her farm in the middle of the night.”

“Huh. You sure it’s none of that woo-woo magic stuff Emily talks about?”

“Fuck off, dude. I’m really worried. Someone is after her, but I can’t figure out who it is. At first I thought Shane was dicking me around to stake his claim on her.”

“And it’s not Elliott?”

“Maybe.”

“Or that doctor?”

I hadn’t considered Harvey. Maru had complained before, long nights after the clinic closed that ended in an offer to drink away the rest of the hours. I’d seen it myself on the beach, he salivated at the idea of putting sunscreen on her. I could see how Daphne and Maru might be a similar type. Young, industrious. Oh, Daph. I cursed myself for failing to see it. I hummed, “Could be.”

I scanned the windows of the clinic on my way out, neither Maru nor Harvey were in the office. His lock was somewhat more complex, but fallible. The light was still on under the door to his apartment over the clinic. I peeked through the keyhole, he looked preoccupied. Large headphones plugged into a radio carried his attention. It could be useful

I slipped out of the building, navigating the shadowy path to the farm. All seemed so quiet, the wind blowing through rows and rows of tulips. Her passcode hadn’t changed. She didn’t know better, she should have changed it regularly. She should have gotten a regular deadbolt. I slipped up the stairs and into her bedroom, I tried my best to shut the window but the weathered wood stuck. I shoved it, catching it just before it landed with a slam. She stirred in bed, mumbling as she turned. I came to watch her, to give her silent reassurance. You’re safe as long as I’m here, Daph. Her face glistened, cum draped across her cheek and the bridge of her nose. 

Shane wouldn’t do this to her. He wouldn’t leave her here like this, undignified, discarded. I quietly stepped out to her bathroom, I wet a washcloth and brought it back to clean her face. Who would do this to her? Who would mark her like this? She stirred, swatting my hands away. Oh, poor Daph. I wish I could have explained to her that I was helping her, to stay still. Whoever did it wouldn’t be back tonight. I couldn’t explain to Shane why he should sleep over every night and keep watch. I couldn't tell him how I had seen what I had seen. I could only do it myself.

Chapter Text

Summer 1 - Year 2

It’s my birthday, but it doesn’t feel like it’ll be a good one. I miss Shane so fucking much. Abby and them are taking me out tonight. Ugh. 

I just don’t understand, I thought things were fine. He doesn’t even remember getting wasted like that, he blacked out completely. Woke up in Marnie’s car in Zuzu. They had to tow it back here. I really thought he was better.

I thought at least that there’d be something I could do to help him. It’s probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I loved helping him. I loved being a person he could come to when he felt like shit. I loved seeing the gears turn in his mind when he worked it all out, when he got up the self esteem to do something about it.

We still talk, but he told me not to wait for him. He needs to work out what happened, needs to stay focused on rehab. Has to figure out how he’s getting Jas back. It just changed so suddenly. He’s been gone a month and I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just let it go. Fuck. It’s what he WANTS. It’s just all so confusing. I was hoping for an easy landing when I jumped back into dating, but it’s all been so strange.

I was exhausted every day. The bags grew darker under my eyes as I continued my nightly vigil on the farm. The shadowy figure hadn’t returned, if it weren’t for Shane, I could have thought I had imagined it. Now, Shane was gone and a letter remained.

Sebastian,

You took too long with Shane. I didn’t take his hands so I did one better - our boy is in a Ferngill County Jail cell being booked for a DUI. How, you might ask? He really likes his La Croix, it doesn’t take much effort to slip a drug into it.

The funnel was harder, I had to get his blood alcohol high enough without killing him. Had to get him to drunk enough when he could hardly swallow, without getting him to choke on his own vomit. I didn’t want to kill the man, just wanted to take something away. 

I don’t think the courts will look kindly on a DUI during his custody struggles. He’ll be desperate to do anything he can to keep Jas around, including court ordered rehab. How long will that take?

If you want him to stay alive, you better find a way to keep him away permanently.

xx

This man had soiled Daphne, had fucked her like a ragdoll. Now his life was in my hands. My sun was bloodthirsty. I didn't want to kill the man. Of course he did. The boiling rage wasn't unfamiliar to me, if he had seen what I had, I knew he wanted to rip Shane limb from limb. 

I could let this stranger kill him the next time, I could let him drown in his own mistakes. I’d lose an ally and his blood would be on my hands, but would it matter? 

The month was long. Daphne was sad in her window most nights. On one rainy evening, she was crying on a phone call that I couldn’t hear. I knew in my gut that it was Shane breaking up with her. He was always noble in his way, he wouldn’t make her wait.

I ached for her, I hated seeing her so broken. I hated knowing that someone else might be watching, teeth chattering with excitement.  I wanted so badly to hold her and tell her that love was here, that I’d never leave her. I’d never allow myself to be outsmarted like that, I’d never let this shadowy figure hurt her again.

Summer cracked through the clouds, the very first day of the season was her birthday. I gathered as many wildflowers as I could from the forest south of her house on my way to pick her up. Her eyes were red and swollen when she stepped onto the porch. She sniffled on my approach, “Hey, Seb.”

She still knew my name, she still said it in that soft way. “Hey, Daph. You ready?”

“For what? Abby never told me what we’re doing tonight.” I slipped the tickets from my pocket, holding them close to her face as she gasped. “Are you fucking kidding me? You always make fun of her music.”

“It’s your day, Daph. We’ll listen to whatever you like.”

She squealed as she slipped on her helmet. It’s impossible, but I could feel the grin that she pressed into my back on the way to the city. Her sorrow slipped from her, if only temporarily as she danced in her seat at the pizzeria. She sang with Abby, ignoring Sam’s laughter at their off key interpretations of indie love songs.

I nearly lost my legs as we waded through the crowd to find a good spot with our drinks. She turned back to look at me, dimples digging deep grooves into her cheeks. She was perfect under the stage lights, swaying to the music.

Darling, Darling

She leaned into me, speaking low into my ear, “This is my favorite song.”

Darling you've had me all along

I hid you in my heart

Until I couldn't anymore

How badly I wanted to touch her. God, I wanted to touch her.

But that's just how it works

When love is on your side

Shane was gone, I had accepted his fate as I watched her long hair tickle the backs of her arms. I was more than him, I had always planned to remove him somehow. 

Show me how to love again

I've waited all my life

She had loved me first, we were friends turned lovers just waiting for our chance. 

And when you kissed me

Nothing could ever be the same

If she kissed me, there would be no turning back. I couldn’t be anything less than everything to her after that.

Did you see me coming

Did I make you wait

I slid my arms around her waist, waiting for the slightest hint of resistance but none could be found.

See that's just how it works

When love is on your side

Loving you is easy

When nothing could come in between us

She turned in my arms, gazing up into me. I thought she could see all of me then. Every dark thought, I thought she could see my logic. All for her, it was all for her.

She tilted her head, standing on the tips of her toes to meet me halfway. I leaned in to kiss her softly at first, tentatively.

Darling, Darling, Darling

And if you wait for me at the pearly gates

You'd surely see me coming

I'd never make you wait

See that's just how it works

When love is on your side

Suddenly I believe in you

And you believe in me

Oh, to be loved by you in this world

Nothing could ever matter again

I wanna scream it from every rooftop

You should all choose with your hearts

I had nearly drifted off to sleep when I saw the shape move in her window. She seemed giddy when I dropped her off after the show, I wondered if she was too excited to sleep. My arm had healed enough, I could climb the tree for a better view.

She lay across her bed, arms and legs wide. A shadowy figure pumped into her gently, hand pressed against her chest and another along her hip for leverage. It grunted as it shook, breathed shallow breaths in a final stroke. I scrambled down the tree, chasing after the figure as it slipped off of her porch. In the light, I could see so little. Black clothes, black mask. I chased him as far as I could until I realized I had lost the trail.

Slowly, I stalked through the forests surrounding the farm. I listened for movement, let my eyes adjust to the darkness. I didn’t hear the footsteps approaching, I only felt a fist meeting my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

I couldn’t leave her there. I wasn’t certain what I would say. I didn’t know for sure that it was Harvey, I thought I had ruled him out in the spring. Watching her go in and out of consciousness, I couldn’t leave her there. I had to take the chance.

Harvey hobbled out of the door after I banged on it for what felt like 45 minutes. I could hardly keep banging on it with my weak arm, Daphne barely upright in my strong one. He looked innocent, recently awake.

I rambled that I didn’t know what had happened, what had been given to her. I had a bad feeling and went to the farm, I thought I saw a shadowy figure in the mountains when I went out to smoke. They headed towards her house and I saw them in the window. 

The police were slow, they arrived in the morning to question us both. She didn’t remember much, she hadn’t seen the man’s face. I wanted to hold her as they sobbed, but of course I was a suspect. I gave up my DNA sample willingly, I walked her home.

She wouldn’t let go of me, I collapsed in the couch with her as she sobbed until she fell asleep. I stroked her hair until the sun faded in the window, I got up to make food and tea until she startled awake in search of me.

I stayed for days until it was time to get a change of clothes, until Leah could sit with her as I ran home. Toothbrush, clothes, laptop. I checked the mail on my way out, imagining that nothing would bear my name and I could run back.

Sebastian,

Perhaps you’ve gotten overconfident. Who holds the leash? I know you, but you don’t know me. I can have her whenever I like, I can punish you whenever I like.

Remember what I told you the first time, there’s no way she could love you. You are a passing fascination, she enjoys broken things. She likes thinking that she can fix them, but we all know she can’t fix you.

It’s easy to think that the town forgets. Shane’s failures have kept everyone distracted. Marnie and Lewis are great fodder. Caroline’s night walks, too. Your work destroying the reputation of an innocent man worked wonders. Are you innocent, too?

Do you think the town has forgotten why you left college? Do you think Daphne will find out? It was printed in the Zuzu paper, she could verify the gossip. Could she love a monster she fears?

Interrupt again and you’ll get a taste of your own bitter medicine.

xxx

I don’t remember the walk from the mountains to the beach. I found my duffel bag by the mailbox later. I do remember pushing the door open with my foot as soon as Elliott cracked it open, sitting astride him as I punched his face. The crunch of bones was so satisfying.

He begged me to explain, but I told him that I knew. I knew everything. I knew what he did to her. I had seen him, I had watched him violate her. I beat him until he no longer moved, until his lips fell silent, until he no longer had lips.

Daphne insisted on attending the town hall. It took place a week after his boat was found, two weeks after a leg washed ashore. I held her close as she commented on the eerie setting, but the temple in Pierre’s shop was the only place large enough to house a meeting like this. We’d never needed one.

Lewis tried his best to calm the crowd, but so little could be done. No one could remember the last time a murder had taken place in Pelican Town. A murder, a rape, a series of previously unexplained incidents of breaking and entering.

Leah grew uneasy in her chair at the thought of her letters l had mailed, a renewed fear of Elliott. Threats to kill himself if he couldn’t make her his, plans to ride off into the sea and never to return. I had only meant to scare her, to get the town on Elliott’s trail. Now he was dead, now we were safe. They couldn’t know what kind of monster he was, what he had done. Their fear was understandable. I held Daphne so tightly. Her fear was understandable, she couldn’t know that she had nothing to fear if I was around.

The monster was dead, but it shook my faith. I slept beside her every night, waking at the smallest sound. I installed a camera system, I upgraded her locks.

The cops never bothered us, though I felt sorry for Leah. They dragged her through the mud, claiming it was a crime of passion, of a victim seeking justice. The wounds weren’t consistent with a self inflicted drowning. Justice does win sometimes, though. She cleared her name before charges could be filed. No one had an explanation, and they didn’t care to find one. No one cared for Elliott the way they cared for his victims. The monster was dead. Safety had returned to a sleepy valley.

So, I settled into life with her. I brought her a bouquet of lilies and fairy flowers, I worked from her dining table. I looked through her medicines, I read through her diary as if it were my favorite novel.

She was feeling better by the Winter, sex didn’t frighten her the way it did in the summer. Winter 16, she waited in the bedroom while I stayed on a long work call. She wore my sweatshirt and whispered my name. I pumped my cock as I read, vowing to make her scream it. Winter 22, she slid a toy into herself, regretting that it wasn't as thick as me. She didn't know for sure, but her guess was confident. She had only seen my dick in passing. She wished she had looked a little longer at the mountain spa.

By the time the snow melted and the daffodils made their tentative climb from the dirt, she thought she might be ready to get off of the Zoloft. She thought about buying me a mermaid pendant but she was afraid it was too soon. She wondered how to talk about it, if I was really okay with living in the valley for the rest of my life.

How many kids did I want, did I want any at all. How my face was inscrutable when she hinted at the future, that she didn’t want to chance losing the one person who made her feel safe in all of this.

Still, she hardly let me touch her for so long. I couldn’t fault her. She flinched when I grabbed her hand, ducked at strange sounds in the old house. I only had her at night, when the loneliness was too much for her to bear. She crawled into my arms on the couch, on the bed when my mother finally finished construction on a new bedroom. She let me breathe into her hair, let me speak soft things into her ears as she fell asleep.

I’ve got you, Daph.

No one will hurt you again.

I’m here, I’m with you.

I’m not going anywhere.

She surprised me one night. I thought she had fallen asleep. I should have thought better of it, but god I wanted her to know, even if she couldn’t hear me. My voice was low, soft, just the way she liked it. The way that made her fingers curl tighter into my chest, the way that made her brow unfurrow as she breathed slowly. The way that gave her true rest.

I stopped him, Daph. I knew what he was doing to you and I stopped him. He was a stain on the valley, on the world, on you. I rinsed it all clean. No one will ever, ever hurt you again.

Her breath hitched before she tilted her head up to watch my face. She didn’t spend much time assessing me. She was awake, she had heard me. She knew what I did, she knew the things my hands had done to keep her safe. She had seen me care for her for months after, she knew. She climbed astride me, kissing me deeply. She kissed me as if we were back at the concert, a continuation of the time stolen from us. 

She ripped her shirt off, bare breasts in the moonlight. She dove in to kiss me again, but I stopped her. I groaned in pain as I pushed her by the shoulders. “I don’t want to rush this, Daph. this is special.” Her eyes widened, they welled with tears. I sat up to meet her face, “I want you, I do.” I wouldn’t fuck her recklessly like Shane, I wouldn’t haphazardly bruise her thighs. 

I was so deliberate, so careful as I kissed her. My hips rose and fell to feel her grow slick against my sweatpants. I left my marks along her neck, her shoulders, her chest. Carefully, I chose where the petals of my affection bloomed across her skin. I gave her pleasure in equal measure, my fingers sliding along her throbbing clit as she rocked into my hand, whining into my ear.

Two fingers, how tight she was yet how easily I dove into the wet heat. She was helpless as my thumb met her clit again, running lazy circles as I watched her above me. She grasped at my shoulders for support, to aid her shaking knees as she came for me. I fucked her through it with my slowing hand, only removing it to let her collapse. She twitched gently, already hungry for more as she rode my cock through my pants. 

I slid my fingers into her mouth, rapt with adoration as she closed her eyes to taste herself. I wanted to make her wait, to make her just as hungry for me as I had been for her. A thousand years of temptation and longing couldn’t have been enough, couldn’t have brought her down the path she had taken me. My will shattered as she slipped my fingers from her mouth whispering, “I love you, Sebastian.”

I ripped the waistband of my pants down, clutching her as best I could while I kicked them onto the floor. She took me inside of her, desperately grinding away at me. She could grind me into dust, let me dissolve into nothing. I was hers and she loved me. I gripped careful bruises into her hips, she drew blood along my back. So much evidence of our love, but I needed more. I angled my hips into her, searching for the spot until she threw her head back and cried my name. Right there for her, the softest spot within her. Again and again until she couldn’t make words, until my name became a drawn out scream.

I needed to be with her forever. I needed proof that survived the dull drumbeat of time, that survived the decay that would blow us away from each other like the steadfast carving of twin mountains over eons. The squeeze of her orgasm sent me over the edge, I spilled into her. I threw her onto her back, fucking it back into her as my efforts threatened to drip out onto the sheets. I took her lips, took her scream into my mouth until she came again and I spilled into her so hard I lost my balance.

I collapsed that time, I let her comfort me. Her fingers carded through my hair as I laid between her full breasts. I could see her in my mind, round and soft. Safe in a sunflower field by the next Fall, feeding chickens and children. I’d give her as many as she needed, as many as it took to prove that I loved her. As many as it took to prove that it was all real. She loved me.

Spring 12 - Year 3

I don’t know if I can call it normal, but things feel different. Seb officially moved in, but that really just means bringing his desktop computers from Robin’s. Sometimes I wish we would have gone somewhere else, anywhere else. I can’t sleep in that room. I thought about blocking the door with an armoire. Robin finished another bedroom with Seb’s office attached to it. The night terrors finally stopped when we moved our bed there.

He never left. After it happened, now. I was afraid things had moved too fast, I was embarrassed to need him so quickly. We’d barely been together a day if you count a drunken kiss at a concert as the beginning of a relationship. Then suddenly, I’m shattered. Still, he never left. I always thought Seb was cold, but he showed me this warmth I couldn’t see in him. There were so many days I could hardly get out of bed and he harvested things, fed all the animals. He finally got me outside in the Fall, took me to find frogs. Winter was hard. Something about his eyes in the light of the winter star tree made me feel alive again. He looked giddy, playful, like a child. I felt like I could be something other than what I've been, like a new year really could be a new start. Goooood, I actually got him to sing for open mic night last week. He hates her music (he hates singing in the first place), but he sang our song.

Show me how to love again

I've waited all my life

I finally feel…god, it feels crazy to say it. I finally feel safe.

Chapter Text

Medical, dental, and vision were fully covered by the company. I’d have to pay for any dependents, but I had enough. I had more than she made on the farm in a year, that’s for sure. That’s not even including the sign on bonus, the stocks that would vest in the coming months and years. Daphne hugged my neck, insisted on baking a cake that night. She had my parents over for dinner, but they invited half the town. 

I couldn’t imagine a better day of my entire life until I felt along the tiny seams of the frog onesie. Daphne slipped it from behind her back, the reason for an unyielding grin becoming clear. I didn’t see Abigail’s phone hidden in her hands, recording my reaction. I hope it was enough, I hope it was memorable. No words or tears could accurately get the point across.

There was surely no way I could show everyone how excited I was to have Daphne forever. Forever. Something inside of her was mine, it had taken root and it would stay with her. No matter what happened to me, I could always be there.

We rushed to the clinic in the morning, the grey blob of a genderless, nameless child taking shape on a screen. I imagined Daphne’s nose, my wide mouth. I had missed the telltale glow, she always glowed to me. I finally saw it. 

 Spring 26 - Year 3

I have seen every baby photo of Seb in existence. Robin is so excited. Demetrius has more of an intellectual curiosity about it, which shouldn’t surprise me. Maru was strange, though. She looked so sad. Things have always been weird with her and Seb. I never got the sense that she loved being the favorite child, that has to be so isolating. I don’t think Demetrius has the awareness to know when he makes someone feel lonely. We’re a little older than her, though. Someone or something will come along, she’ll get out and make her own life one day. 

Seb has been acting strangely, which would normally worry me but it’s so cute. He’s so locked in all the time. Sleeps normal hours, works a little late every day. Still makes time to fuck me like an animal every morning then make me coffee (no caffeine! Yuck, but the thought counts).

He’s so wired, he’s so alive all the time. He tells me that I did this, that I make him feel more and more alive every day. I can’t believe I get to do this with him. I can’t believe after everything I went through in the last year, I’m somewhere this peaceful.

In the summer, in the garden, I watched her. Her stomach had begun to swell, she had gotten sick every morning. I held her hair back and boiled the peppermint tea Caroline recommended. I rubbed her back as we lay in the hammock between two trees, the weightlessness finally letting her sleep easily.

She had developed an appetite and a snore, she was so tired all the time at the beginning. I watched her face as she slept, how could one person hold so much wonder? She was making an entire human being, a whole history was being transcribed in her belly. Recorded into permanence, carved into stone.

I almost missed the shape running through the leaves of the corn field. Black mask, black clothes. I shook her awake, “Daphne, Daph.”

“Mm?” Her head lolled, I couldn’t rouse her. I carried her up the stairs, through the door and onto the couch. 

“Daph, baby? Answer me?” She was out cold, her breath sweet. “Baby? What did you have?”

She mumbled, “Peppermint tea, Sebby.”

I paced around as I waited for her to wake up. I paused to check the slow beating of her heart. I phoned Harvey, I bit my lip as he told me that it’s normal for pregnant women to be so tired. The pace was picking up now, this was an important stage of development. I folded my arms as I insisted on a home visit, I fought the urge to kick something as he left with a self satisfied smile. I promise this is normal, her body is doing so much work.

Daphne slept until the next evening, curled into my arms in bed. She moaned, she lamented all the time lost. She laughed at the television as we settled onto the couch, she promised me that we’d still find time for good tv. It wouldn’t always be dancing animal mascots and shows that teach the alphabet.

I thought I could smile, too. My lips tweaked upwards, the relief grew in my chest until the figure moved out of the corner of my eye. Through the window, slowly pulling his mask above his lips. A wide grin, finger pressed to his lips. Shhh.

Sebastian,

It’s always the tea, isn’t it? I told you I was inspired. Caroline grew it herself, right? She doesn’t lock the door anymore, she likes the farmer to know she can come in and grab some leaves any time. Your mind must be spinning. The supply isn’t safe, right? You could go into the city, start fresh with a bag of tea from some big market. That would be safe! Right? Right?!

It was easy to get into the house. You’ve let your guard down since you started taking things that aren’t yours. Every face is friendly for a father to be. Everyone is so happy for you, Sebby.

I told you. Bitter medicine.

No signoff this time. Before, I thought he was counting to something. One, two, three - run. Maybe this was it, it was time to run.

Summer 13 - Year 3

I’m trying to treat the whole thing like a romantic whirlwind. Seb got the job that changes our lives. I’m pregnant with our first child, he proposes to me. Not just marriage! No, he proposes sweeping me away from a life of difficult farm work, to live in a lavish home in downtown Zuzu.

Three story walkup with a little garden. Storage unit for all the random family stuff I didn't want to leave behind. Grandpa's things are just rotting in a basement now.

I did want to leave the farm. I felt so defeated, I made it something beautiful but walking past that armoire knowing the door was behind it…god it was so hard every day. I felt sick every time I looked at it, every time I thought about what happened. I wanted to leave, I did. 

The way we left was so strange, though. Seb leased a car and said we should go for a drive, catch a movie and some dinner. Before I know it, we’re at open houses all day. He hired movers, he said there was no reason we should work for this, he had worked hard enough. He sounded manic.

It only took a week. I couldn't wrap up all of my business, Marnie is feeding the animals in the short term. It’s so much to ask of her, especially without Shane around. He’s in the city now. Imagine that. Jas is with her grandmother, but he gets visits.

Sleeping here feels different. I forgot how loud it gets at night. Seb still has an office attached to the bedroom, I think it makes him feel better knowing he can watch me. It makes me feel a little safer, too, but Elliott is dead. We’re out of the valley. Someone told me before I moved away that it would be so much safer than Zuzu, the crime rate was so low. Ha!

Something is peeling away. Something I can’t see but have felt for so long is peeling away and I can’t stop it. I try to press it back by keeping normal routines. I started working on the garden. Seb put something in, too.

I love that he tries. I just can’t fight the feeling that this peeling layer is necessary, that something is being stripped from me without me even knowing what it is. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of not being myself anymore.

Even after we moved, I still watched the security footage of the nights preceding the tea incident. My mother wasn’t my stalker, I don’t think Demetrius had it in him.

Pierre had set foot in my house, but I had seen enough of the man to understand that he wasn’t old. Harvey’s age at the oldest. And that smile. Alex? He had hated me since elementary school. Clint was a creep but again, this man was young and agile.

I wandered into the garden, sitting behind Daphne as she dug into the dirt. Sunflowers, basil, oregano…Daphne genkwa. I snatched her wrist, “Did you plant this?”

She was startled, she pulled herself from my grasp. God, I had never meant to scare her. I never wanted her to feel fear, not a single day of her life. “No, I thought you did.”

I stifled my rage, my fear. “We should dig that up, it’s poisonous. No, no, you shouldn’t touch it. I’ve got it, baby.”

Summer 17 - Year 3

Shane sent me a message today. He told me not to trust Sebastian. He sent me some long rant about last year, that Seb got threatening letters and didn’t act on them, that something didn’t add up. 

I told him that we knew Elliott sent them, and that Elliott was gone. He said he knew, that it still didn’t add up. To just be careful, please be safe. I told him I didn’t live in the valley anymore, that I was married now. We’re having a baby. He told me that he’s still here if I need him, the rest doesn’t matter. He’s in the city, he wants to talk in person. God.

I don’t blame Seb for what he did. No one has ever looked out for me like that. I don’t like imagining it, but I like knowing that he saved me. Without a question, without hesitation. Why would I ever mistrust him after that? I don’t know what worse things he saved me from. I saw the letters Elliott sent to Leah, Seb knew and he did something. "Didn’t act on things" is bullshit and Shane knows it.

Summer 22 - Year 3

Shane is ignoring me. Whatever. I don’t want to talk to anyone anyways. I don’t want to talk ever again. 

My ears ring as the doctor comes back into focus. It’s still before 24 weeks, it would still be classed as a miscarriage. These things happen all the time, she says. She can refer us to a counselor, we should read the pamphlet. It would be for the best if we leave the nursery alone until we've "had time to heal". I snap at her that we hadn’t even unpacked, I never got to build the crib. I don’t take the sonogram photo out of my wallet, I had drawn a frog’s head around the edges like a frame.

It took several days before Daphne spoke a single word. I was afraid I might never hear her voice again. I overwhelmed her, it was my fault. When she came out of the locked bedroom and said hello, I got on my knees to clutch her stomach. It was still convex, still warm. I pressed my head into her shirt, apologizing. I should have kept her safer, I should have done something to help her. She grabbed a glass of water on the counter, pulling her shirt from my grip to return to the room, lock clicking.

The letters came in a flurry. Brief, written on notecards rather than protected by an envelope. Postmarked from Pelican Town, stamps of various fruits and vegetables native to the valley.

Sebastian,

Bitter medicine.

X 

Sebastian,

Which friendly face sneers at you behind your back? Who?

X

Sebastian,

Who has always loathed you? Who has always known the monster you are?

X

Sebastian,

Your storage unit is getting smelly. I know the missus hasn’t been up for a bike ride in a while, but you’d better clear it out before she comes sniffing around. Don’t want her to find something unsavory.

X

Shane had been broken in ways I thought unimaginable by human hands. A copy of the Zuzu Gazette had been left to cover his face. The image of a burnt out house and crying parents graced the front page. I snatched it, wrapping it up in my shirt. Who do I call? Who would bury a body for me? Who has always loved me so much that he would go to the ends of the fucking earth for me?

Sam looked undisturbed by my fear. I paced and paced in my living room, anxiously watching Daphne from behind a glass door. He clapped his hand to my shoulder, “Nothing is that bad. Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?”

In a hushed voice, terrified of disturbing Daphne in the garden, I cried “Of course I am sure. I saw a fucking body, Sam. Sh-”

“Hey, hey. You haven’t exactly been…on the level lately.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You got manic and moved your girl out to Zuzu. Didn’t she move away from here on purpose? Like to run away from something?” I nodded furiously. “So you just pack up house inside of a week and bring her back? You didn’t tell me or Abs, you didn’t tell your parents. Didn’t invite anybody to the wedding, I didn’t even know you could elope that fast.”

“I had to be sure there was nobody there to hurt her.”

“And that sounds normal to you?” I winced at the insinuation. “Things were so good since you got back home, man. After, you know. After what happened.”

After the fire, after the trial. After Jane’s family cursed my name, swore that I’d pay for what I’d done. “I was innocent, Sam. I didn’t do it and you know that.”

“I know, I know. Believe me, dude, I know. It was just a lot on you and the whole town. Scrutiny like that? Innocent or not, it was a lot to go through. I was surprised when you bounced back. If all the shit with Elliott has you loopy and afraid, it’s understandable.” He moved to sit on the couch, his long legs pushing up to his chest. “Come on, man. You got something to drink in here? We’ll talk it out and we’ll get you alright again.”

I nodded furiously, stumbling to the kitchen. I needed something to ground me, I needed proof that this wasn’t all in my mind. I had already washed the blood off of my hands. The house was proof, the marble countertops the real estate agent sold us on had to be proof. Daphne in the glass door, repotting a monstera had to be enough. “Uhh..I have coffee. Lots of the stuff since Daph stopped drinking it. Tea, gin.”

“Hah. Tea and gin sounds like a funny combination.”

“Coffee it is.”

I’d splurged on the espresso machine, on the bean grinder. I only used it when Daph was out at appointments and couldn’t smell it, it always made her jealous. I sipped at it indulgently before I sat beside Sam on the couch, but he turned his nose up at me saying “You gotta at least wait until it cools down.”

I nodded softly, only hearing the glass clink on the hardwood floor as I sank into the cushions.

Rhythmic slapping woke me. Sam stood at the edge of my bed, Daphne raised by the hips to join his, her head limply rocking along. He tilted his head up to watch me, his lips quirked up into a smile that I had only seen once. Outside of our window in Pelican Town, grinning from the darkness. “She’s pretty when she sleeps. She’s pretty all the time, but damn” he paused to grunt in emphasis, “She’s so fucking pretty when she sleeps.”

He scooped her up, fucking into her slowly as he walked. Sam had always been strong, agile. He could climb anything, lift so many heavy things. Her head dropped against his shoulder, her arms bounced along. He hummed, “This is going to be hard, but worth it, I think.” He dropped her gently into my lap, but I couldn’t embrace her. I was still groggy, it took a moment to feel the rough rope digging burns into my arms. He squatted to continue, holding the chair behind me for leverage. I screamed, but he held his hand over my mouth, smiling harder as I bit into him. He shook and groaned, as if my resistance excited him. I felt his final thrusts, the slickness of them as he finished. 

He slid out of Daphne, placing her gently along the bed. His hand ran through my hair, pulling at the scalp as he stood over me. His legs on either side of the chair, he gripped me in one hand and himself in the other. He slapped me with his cock, smearing his cum along my face, shoving himself into my mouth. I could taste her. God, I could taste her. He moaned again, “I have always hated you, you weird little fucking freak.” as he rammed himself down my throat. I tried to bite down but I was so tired, so confused. The more I grazed him with my teeth, the tighter his balls grew against my chin. He choked, eyes shut, grunting, “I never fucking liked you.”

It was silent as he slid out of my mouth, carrying Daphne off into the hallway. They were gone for over an hour. He carried her back in her bathrobe, smelling of peach blossoms and coconut. The taste of them stayed with me in all the time I tried to understand what was happening to me. All I could muster through a sore throat was, “Why?”

He laughed, mimicking me. “Why, why me? Why do you think? When have you deserved a single thing you got?”

“What?”

“What? Fucking idiot. Janie, Daphne. You’ve always been a sad, weird little freak. You feel entitled to things that don’t belong to you, Seb. Why do you think Janie liked you? Do you think she really wanted to have sex with you?”

“She was my first, she…”

“She said she loved you, she liked the playlist you made her, huh?”

“How did you know that?”

“You weren’t her first. I’ll tell you that much, buddy. Did you read her diary, too?”

“No-n”

“You hadn’t graduated to that yet? If you did, you’d know that she thought you were scrawny, pale. She felt sorry for you. She thought she’d throw you a bone.”

“What did she think of you, Sam?”

“Oooh, juicy question with a juicy answer. She loved when I came up to the city to visit, but she was afraid to shoot her shot. She felt bad dumping you, she didn’t think you could take it. You had an anxiety attack after lasting five minutes, can you blame her? It was a lot easier to cheat on you every once in a while.”

The shame weighed me down, it sealed my lips. “She thought I was sweet. She felt so sad and I comforted her. She promised me she’d get together with me once she had finally shaken you off. Her parents thought I was sweet, too. They really appreciated all the warnings I gave about your obsession, your instability. I told them about all of Janie’s missing panties, that I found them in your room. All the little pictures of her you took from her webcam.”

“You took care of me, Sam. You got me back on my feet.”

He drew closer, sitting across from me on the bed. “Because you’re a little fucking loser.”

“I didn’t burn her house down.”

His grin unfailing, he whispered, “Nope.”

“Why?”

“Because I never want to see anyone die, I just want to see people lose some things. She’s still alive, you fuckin’ baby. She lost her pretty little face, that burn isn’t going anywhere. You lost her, there’s no way she’d talk to you again.”

"You do like seeing people die, you killed Shane."

"And you killed Elliott, what's your point? What's your gotcha, man? What moral superiority could you possibly have over me?"

I inhaled, ready to ask again knowing that I’d only arrive at more questions. The same question. He whispered mockingly, “Why? You’re better as a loser, Seb. You’re better when you know what you are. I like that more than I like some fucking girl, watching you on your knees. Do you know how much I love bending you until you fucking break?”

His cock strained again, red and angry. He massaged it gently, “I wish there was more time.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I'm putting you on your knees, Sebby. I'm going to take what’s mine.”

He stood, sliding his arms around Daphne. It was so easy for him to throw her over his shoulder. They disappeared into the hallway. Less time passed than when he took her away earlier. Smoke crept up in wisps below the door. I heard him screaming, stomping back to the bedroom. A rush of smoke blew past him as he ran to me, smearing fresh blood over my hands. He cut me free, squeezing the knife into my hand. I staggered into a run, I tried to find him. The smoke was growing too thick, the fire rising higher. I could only hear the slam of my front door kicked open and the stampede of firefighters trailing in.

The divorce was finalized without much input from me. I had tried to see Daphne so many times. I tried to call her, but I couldn’t get through to her. I begged my mom to tell her what really happened, but all she could do was cry. She just cried and cried behind the glass.

I saw Sam’s face on the tv in the rec room, sandwiched in between mine and Daph’s. Survivor of a small town crime drama, survivor of a knife attack. “He’s always been a little…off, but he was my friend. I loved him like a brother.”

On 60 Minutes, “We all thought it was the writer, but Seb was smart. He could hack into anything, he could make things look like something they weren’t.”

In the Netflix documentary, hair gelled high, “I had tried to tell Daph. I got in touch with our buddy, Shane, but he was already dead by the time I got to the house. They said he had been dead for weeks, we thought he was just being standoffish, you know? When I got in, I saw Daph. I knew she wasn’t okay, I knew I had to save her. It was like he could see it in my eyes, he just started swinging with the knife.”

In the Slate article, “I thought I would die there. I thought Daphne would die there. The fire rose higher and the smoke grew thicker, I thought he was going to get away with it.”

I finally saw Daphne at the trial. She looked like she had been crying for a long time. She was round, soft. Delicate, needy. Full of something that couldn’t be erased, proof of his obsession. All the ways I had wanted to see her. Sam stretched one arm around her, face knit in concern as he pulled her closer to kiss her forehead. I rose to the stand to tell my story, to do anything I could to save myself. Sam’s head turned with a grin I had only seen twice, once in my bedroom and another time from the darkness.

Chapter Text

Part 2 - Bitter Medicine

She hadn’t even sat down, not fully, before she said “Don’t ask me about her.” How could I not? The psychiatrist that had advised my attorney suggested that I wasn’t in my right mind, that I was experiencing psychosis when Shane came to talk to me. The same thing had happened when Sam came over two weeks later, the same years ago when the police found me outside of Janie’s burning house. They called me obsessive, they said that I had a psychotic break.

My mother nodded as the attorney told her, “at least it’s not a prison”. A psychiatric hospital will give him the care he needs. Sebastian needs you, Robin. He needs you. So, she sat across from me in the visitation wing, laying out her terms. It’s been three years, but she can see it in my eyes. She still has to tell me to never ask about Daphne.

Det. P. Jameson: I understand it’s been a long night for you, son.

Samson [Redacted]: Yeah, yeah.

The victim is shaking and bouncing his knee. Multiple bandaged stab wounds are visible.

Det. P. Jameson: Can you tell me why you went up to the townhouse tonight?

Samson [Redacted]: Yeah, Seb’s been my friend since grade school. He’s been acting strange for a while-”

Det. P. Jameson: How long is a while?

Samson [Redacted]: I mean, he’s a strange guy but it got weird over the last two years. Worse in the last few weeks. He moved suddenly, bailed on everything. Our band, his parents, his little sister. I didn’t think Daphne was happy to move, she has a farm out there, you see.

Det. P. Jameson: In Pelican Town?

Samson [Redacted]: Yes, sir. He just told her they were moving, didn’t give her time to settle things in town. Didn’t invite anyone to the wedding. I just- officer, I thought he was going to hurt her. Like…like last time.

Det. P. Jameson: What happened last time?

I can own my actions. I hacked into Janie’s webcam. Before we started dating, I just wanted to see her. I met her on move-in day, her room was six doors down in a co-ed dorm. She laughed so hard at my jokes, she squeezed my arm and called me strong when I lifted boxes for her. No one had ever called me strong before.

I wanted to see what she looked like when she wasn’t flirting, I wanted to know what was real about her. I watched her sleep from my phone, I squeezed my pillows pretending it was her body. I did steal her panties. They were clean, I just wanted to know what kind she liked. I wanted to imagine her in them at the start of a new day, the haze of sleep slipping from her. It was wrong, I know that now. I know so many things now. 

I’m allowed limited, supervised, internet access for 30 minutes a day. Over three years, I’ve impressed the staff enough to have remote supervision rather than eyes over my shoulder. I know how to bypass their remote eyes on my browser activity. I know from the online forums that some people believed me. I never burned Janie’s house down. I never laid a finger on Shane, as much as I would have liked to. I was as horrified as anyone else, the pictures made me retch in the courtroom. A tv anchor said it was my “guilt”.

In my 30 minutes a day, I know that blond hair was found in Shane’s jacket. I know that the prosecution says this was not unusual, Shane and Sam were coworkers. They were friends. DNA was found under his nails, this was not unusual but not unexplainable in the eyes of the jury. The DNA from Daphne’s assault at the farm remained unidentified. She had been tested on the night of my arrest, Sam’s DNA was found. A few people didn’t believe I was that kind of sick fuck. I never forced Sam to touch her while she slept. I didn’t drug her, I didn’t shove Sam’s cock in my mouth to “taste what I made him do”. 

Not everyone was helpful. I have received exactly 231 lewd letters. In emails through my lawyer, some written down in ink and paper. About half of those included photographs, most of them gave detailed descriptions of the things the sender wanted me to do to them. I never asked for any of this. I didn’t want the steady stream of tit polaroids or the descriptions of cocks being milked as they wrote. I wanted Daphne. I had always wanted her, from the first day she came to me by the lake. I wanted Sam to pay. I wanted to learn him, to find what he really loved if there truly was anything. How could I take it from him?

Summer 14 - Year 6

Hey mom,

Thanks for letting Vince stay with us this summer. Milo really liked having him around! I hope you like the post card, the kids loved Ginger Island. Daph and I are going to drop Vince off on Summer 25, but we want to stay until school starts if that’s okay. Call if it isn’t so we can make other plans. 

Love,

Sam

P.S.

We’re bringing back so many gifts

P.P.S.

Hope you like coconuts

Frogs were my symbol. Cute little frogs, painted on signs outside of the courthouse, dotting the blogs focused on my trial. The bulldog tv anchor that went after me called my case “The Princess and the Frog Murders” Her drawl lives in my mind, “This frog, mmmm-kay? This frog thinks he’s about to get kissed by a princess. Come on, look at her, folks. All Ferngillan girl, played volleyball in high school, graduated with an agricultural degree at Zuzu U. Took on her granddaddy’s farm after his passing. Sweet as pie. This frog wanted her to kiss him. College drop out, previously tried for arson, living at home with his mama. So he pushes all the other frogs outta the way-”

Elliott’s face flashes across the screen. It’s a flattering photo, taken for the dust jacket of his novel. “This brilliant, creative young man cut down. Slandered, ostracized for having a crush on the object of this psycho’s obsession.”

Shane next, a photo of him much younger than when I knew him. No dark circles under his eyes, no sleepless nights. He looked like he had no idea how much the next decade would rob him of. “This man was a pillar of his community. Gave up a promising life, a gridball career, to raise the child of his deceased friends. Selfless! Only to be taken from her in a short few years together.”

I paused the video. I didn’t want to read about the lotus growing in the mud, the positives that sprung out of “my” actions. I didn’t want to see Sam and Daphne’s wedding photo, didn’t want to see their son. I read the comments instead.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: I can’t believe she married that creep.

Tadp0lez: Creep? Lmaoooo cannot believe you subscribe to that theory. It’s weak, ofc Sam’s dna was found at the arrest we know why

Blankslate: Ok then why are you on the forum???

Tadp0lez: Bc i still think the doctor did it 🤓

Blankslate: Lmaooooooo you are FUCKED IN THE HEAD

Tadp0lez: The doctor knew sebby was sick and took advantage of his poor mental state

0infinite_maze0: Reaching

Waterdeepwizard96: I fucking hate sebby fangirls oh my goooooodddd

I can’t believe she married that creep.

I can’t believe she married that creep. Oh, Anonymous_steth0scope, I could. 

I always liked a girl with a nice laugh. Janie curled into my beanbag chair, eyes fixed on Sam as he pulled a hood over his head and stuck a pencil in his mouth to imitate me. He took a long drag from the eraser tip, “You gotta read Cave Saga X, man. You gotta read like 10 pages on the wiki to understand the lore, man.” She laughed so hard, so high and for so long. I knew she liked him. I knew Sam had something I didn’t have. To the untrained eye, it was an ease about him. He could walk into any room full of strangers and walk out with friends, he could make anyone fall in love with him. If you knew him, you understood that it was a practiced grace. Eager to please, eager to impress. He performed for Janie, hunching over “Oh yeah man, sorry man, it just -hisssssss- burns when the light hits me.” She loved it.

He massaged my shoulders from the doorway as I waved her off, lovesick and frightened. “Tell me you’re hitting that, man!”

I flinched as I turned to watch his eager eyes, a dog ready to hump something. “No, we met last week.”

Sam shrugged, flopping onto my bed to check his phone. The 8-bit hum of Janie’s text notification chimed.

Janie

I think I left my sweater but I’m already on my way to class. Can you bring it tonight?

Sebastian

👍🏻

Janie

How long is Sam in town?

Sebastian

Uhhh till Sunday

Janie

Oh good good he can come to Claire’s party UwU

Sebastian

👍🏻👍🏻

Janie

Is he bringing anyone?

Sebastian

No?

Janie

Oh cool ok so not like a gf or anything

Sebastian

Why?

Janie

I don’t want to bring ppl Claire doesn’t know to her house >:( but he’s okay, you know him

Sam was the only person with the ability to make me flinch. You can call me any name, you can make me feel unwanted in my own home. God knows that’s been done for years. But there was something uncanny about Sam. Every time, without even trying, he always ate my lunch. The things that made me salivate, that made me churn with excitement always ended up in his hands.

More mail arrived from home. My mother unceremoniously dropped the envelopes onto the table. I had responded so well to treatment that we could meet around a table with nothing in between us. She gave me a stiff hug as she left, the kind of smile that took the rest of her strength to move the muscles. I sifted through the letters. A card from my grandmother, a postcard from a cousin. One letter, postmarked from Pelican Town. No return address, stamps of the local flora and fauna.

Sebastian,

I miss you. Three years without you feels like…like an eternity. How do you stand it? Locked up in there?

Little frog, if you hop high enough…who knows?

X

The letters continued, each one more vague than the last. Nothing incriminating, only painful. One had no words, only the photo I had thought lost forever, the one of her smiling with a bouquet of supermarket flowers. Virgin mary on the table behind her, her lips curved into a knowing smile. At least he didn’t visit in person. Abigail did, with time. She wanted to understand why I did it, why I would hurt Shane and Elliott. I told a truth and a lie, I told her I didn’t do any of it. She asked me why Daphne. I must have reacted, there was some look in my eye that made her wince when she said the name. Why Daphne. She asked as if it were another language, another turn of phrase for “Why not me?”

I wondered how many of the 213 letters had been from her. I had seen plenty of pale skin but no purple hair in the polaroids and emails. Why Daphne, Sebastian? “Because she was perfect.”

Daphne danced in my mind every fucking day. I saw her at the bar on our wedding night, sipping at a virgin mary and singing our song. She fed all of her change into the juke box, she played it three times. Darling, darling. Oh, to be loved by you in this world. Nothing could ever matter again. They let me see her name when it appeared on the visitor registry for the upcoming week. In too small font, Daphne [Redacted]. 

She wouldn’t meet my eye when she unfolded the loose leaf paper. Her voice broke as her hands shook and her throat choked out the words, “I want to read this to you.” She sucked in a breath, preparing herself for release. “Se-Sebastian. I loved you and trusted you with all of my heart. I gave myself to you completely, without reservation. In the wor-” a sob cut through her. “In the worst years of my life, you gave me comfort. You gave me support and stability. You cannot imagine the horror of learning that the same pillar that held me up was the same force that brought me low in the first place.”

I could hardly breathe. My chest tightened as I cried, “What?”

“Please don’t interrupt. Learning that you…” she sniffled, she crumpled her paper. “This obsession with me, Seb. I- is that why you…why did you give me the tea, Seb?” I held my silence. I couldn’t admit to the tea, not with so many eyes and ears. I couldn’t tell her how badly I ached when I realized that she was with Shane, that I had seen her with him. “Why didn’t you just…why were you so insistent on getting me pregnant just to take that away from me?”

“What? Daph, I would never.”

“The plant in the garden, Seb…”

“I didn’t put that there. I did not, I dug it out as soon as I noticed it.”

“Why did you know what it was? You…you have never taken an interest in gardening outside of the things you did while I was…while I was recovering. How did you see it and immediately know what it was?”
“I had seen it before, Daph. But I promise, I swear on my life. I did not give it to you.” Her eyes flickered as if for just a second, she believed me. “Do you remember the first night?”

“No, Sebastian.”

“You remember.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“What did I say, Daph? What did I tell you?” She pinched her lips to stifle a cry. I knew she still loved me, I knew she wouldn’t incriminate me. She was too smart, too devoted. I knew on our first night together what I knew that day we were separated by glass. “What did I tell you, Daph?”

She inhaled, “You said a lot of things.” She finally met my eyes. She gathered her crumpled paper, her purse.

Only the cool glass kept me from her. I had proven myself with my mother, but I couldn't prove my recovery with her. I could never pretend to be anything less than obsessed with Daphne. I pressed against the barrier, I screamed as loudly as I could, “Baby, think about it. You know I would never hurt you.”

She grew smaller as she walked away but larger in my mind.

I’ve got you, Daph.

No one will hurt you again.

I’m here, I’m with you.

I’m not going anywhere.

Summer 1 - Year 6

Milo “made” me a drawing for my birthday. I know Sam painted his hands and directed the process, but it’s sweet all the same. Sam made us pizza for dinner, he played music that I like. I got so upset, I just pulled the phone off the dock and threw it in the fireplace. Threw a fucking phone in a fireplace. Jesus christ. He said it was like the first time we hung out for my birthday, at the concert. He said he thought it would make me smile. I forget that he’s simple, he’s sweet. Short sighted but full of love. I just fucking miss that time, even if everything is a bitter reminder. I wish I could be that person again. Fuck fuck fuck. But my life is so beautiful now. Little bungalow outside of the city, white picket fence. We still see Pelican Town a few times a year, but the sting isn’t so bad if I avoid the spots where the cobblestone becomes dirt roads. I don’t have to see the ranch or the farm if I don’t want to.

I feel guilty, but we don’t invite Marnie for dinner. We don’t go to the big festivals, just Jodi and Kent’s house. It’s always quick, just a night or two. Jodi got a cot for Sam’s room, Milo falls asleep so quickly. He’s so little, he can’t imagine how afraid I am every time I set foot in town.

When Elliott was dead, I breathed. The monster was ripped out of the shadows, he saved me. I felt so safe. Then it happened again and again. Now the monster is a different shape. It is locked up and so far away in another town, a town I’ve only been to once. A town I don’t ever need to go to. There’s no doctor’s appointment, no attraction, no store that would lead me there. The pull was inescapable. I did go, last week.

The monster isn’t dead. He looks like shit in a monotone jumpsuit. The monster pawed at the glass as I left. I was so close to believing him, I felt like a fucking idiot when I got to my car. It’s hard to write his name. I always believed him. There was something so dangerous about him, especially after what he confessed to on our first night. Still, I felt so safe. In Zuzu, I felt a break from the looming dread when I heard him tapping away at his keyboard at night. His eyes on me were so focused all the time. He was always watching and it should have felt oppressive. Instead, it just felt safe. I felt that same kind of safety for a moment when I saw him last week.

I hope he never gets out. I hope he NEVER gets out. I hope he fucking rots there. I hope I learn how to be the person I’m trying to be. I hope Sam never really sees me because FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck. God, this is so embarrassing. I’m writing this knowing I’ll want to burn the pages right after I do. I only felt safe with that monster’s claws in me. I miss Sebastian.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: you have no reason to trust me, but you should

The messenger window popped up in the corner of the screen. Four minutes left in my allotted time.

s0larion93: Trust  you with what?

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: Your case. I know you were framed.

s0larion93: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: I know you’re him, you type like him. You sound just like him. 

s0larion93: Again, no clue what you’re talking about.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: You want to tell me to “take a hike” lmao.

s0larion93: Yep.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: You say that all the time.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

s0larion93: Who is this?

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: Don’t worry about it. Know that I have the dna from the first assault. Know that I can do something with it.

s0larion93: Like what?

Two minutes left.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: Get it tested against the town.

s0larion93: That won’t change anything.

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: That will change everything. I promise.

s0larion93: If you’re telling the truth, what should I do?

Anonymous_stethosc0pe: Hold tight. Keep doing whatever you’re doing and just hang on.

The chat window closed.

I waited for calls from my lawyer. My mother called instead, Maru’s application was approved. She was going to med school. Demetrius was so proud. They would visit again soon, they had to get her moved in. Maru called, her voice wavered. She had always sounded afraid of me, but not this time. She couldn’t make the visitation, but she was thinking of me. I didn’t want to imagine what she thought of me. I was just grateful that one of us made it.

The news passed the same for weeks until a familiar face appeared beside the bulldog’s face. A slideshow of everyone who made me want to rip my heart from my chest. Elliott, Shane, Sam. Daphne. Her low drawl, her righteous indignation. She howled as Harvey’s face faded in over the faces of the others, “A sadistic doctor in a small town…”

Sam was right, the sun did burn me. It felt different from outside of the activity yard. It felt good, it felt fucking terrifying. Of course it did. It wasn’t long before bright flashes hit my eyes and the questions began. I felt the warmth of bodies swarming me as I left the gate, an arm looping in mine and steering me through. Small microphones pressed to my face, I gasped and flinched as they all touched me. So many hands wanting to take me apart. 

I broke into a sob as the silence hit me, my eyes squeezed shut as someone placed a seatbelt over me. My body shook as the engine turned, as the city grew along the horizon. Sam’s cheerful voice faded in, “I always knew we’d be rockstars, man.”

My chest grew tight again, I clutched at the door handle. Sam clicked his tongue, “Child lock, baby boy.”

My body eased, there was no escape. No way out on the highway as we sped past the exits. Too fast, too recklessly as if he wanted me afraid. “I won’t crash with precious cargo, I promise. Scout’s honor!” I couldn’t turn my head, I clawed my hands into my pants. I could feel his eyes on me, I begged him in my mind. I tried to will him into looking at the road. “Sebby, I know you want to ask. Say it.”

I shuddered, “Why?”

“Because I was bored without you. I’m always bored without you.”

“You fucking hate me.”

He sighed wistfully, “Yeah.”

The unexpected pleasures of being wrongfully imprisoned:

1. Your stepfather doesn’t know what to say to you, so he doesn’t speak to you at all.
2. Your mother makes all of your favorite food. It’s not the right season anymore, all of the town’s pumpkins have already rotted as Jack-O-Lanterns, but it’s alright. She can still find canned pumpkin at the Joja Mart, you can have pumpkin soup every day.
3. For once, your little sister speaks to you.

She’s quiet when she enters my room, she had only been there a handful of times. She looks at the posters on my wall, at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. She laughs softly, like she doubts that I’ll find the humor in it, “You know, we could have been looking at the real thing together this whole time.”

Maru sits on my couch, readjusting on the springs that poke through. I bite my lip and pace, how do you tell someone thank you for giving you everything after you’ve given them a lifetime of nothing? I still try, I whisper, “Thank you.”

“You’re my brother.”

“I wouldn't have done the same for you, Maru. I’m…I’m sorry. I’ve been a piece of shit since the day you were born.”

“You didn’t get into med school, you didn’t have access to a lab. You didn’t work in Harvey’s office to have access to the samples the cops were too lazy to follow up on. You couldn’t have done the same for me.”

“I mean-”

“I know what you mean, Sebastian. And I’m saying, you’re my brother. I did it for you because you’re my brother and I love you.”

My eyes welled, the arms crossed against my chest shook. She stood slowly, unsure of how to hug me. It was all so unfamiliar. She tried still. She slid her arms around me, pressing into me until I uncrossed my own and embraced her. I hunched until my forehead hit her shoulder, I let her hold me tight as I wailed.

“Maru-”

“Shh, it’s over, Seb.”

“Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t?”

Winter 26 - Year 6

Fucking Sam. Fucking Sam wanted to go to Winter Star. Fucking Sam drove him back to Pelican Town in the first place. “Baby, he needs us.” “Baby, he’s a victim too. You should understand better than anybody.” I have never wanted to punch someone so bad in my whole fucking life.

Sam is an idiot, and I have always been aware of that. He’s kind, he’s loving. He’s gentle. He’s big hearted, he has so much to give and he gives every ounce of it without a single question. He’s capable of that because he’s a thoughtless idiot. He’s a puppy. He’s a dog that chases an idea because he likes the way it smells, not because he knows what to do once he has it in his teeth.

All he could do was apologize to me when we saw Sebastian and Robin in the square. Give me dumb platitudes about how complicated all of this was and how we should understand. It made a thought louder in my mind, a thought I’ve had for years. I feel so guilty when I let myself listen to it. I look at Milo and I think “How could I think this for a second?” Another reason to burn these pages. Write it down and throw it in a metal trash can, burn it all so it can’t burn me from the inside out anymore. Why the fuck did I marry Sam? Why did I let myself be so lost to grief and so open to comfort wherever it came from? Why? Why the fuck am I here?

I saw her. In the light of the Winter Star tree. Her son has her eyes, her hair, her skin. Her freckles, her dimples. Identical faces in the twinkling lights, absorbed by wonder. If I blurred out the rest of the image, we lived for a moment in a parallel reality. My wife, my son. Daphne and Milo below the towering tree before we returned to the farmhouse to wait for Santa. I couldn’t see a fraction of Sam in him. I’d only caught a flash when his little face appeared on a dirty vintage rec room television, I shut my eyes before I could find the shapes of his round cheeks and button nose. He was all her. Dark, almond eyes and dark curls.

She flinched when she saw me. She clutched Milo away, frantically seeking Sam’s reassurance. She couldn’t find it. I couldn’t make out the words, but I heard the tone. She was unimpressed with whatever he had to say, she stormed off to the neat row of houses to slam the door behind her. 

Maru lay sprawled across the couch, tapping a pencil to her lips. “You’re absolutely sure it was Sam?”

“Fucking yes, Maru. I can’t forget what he did. It was him.”

“I did see on the forums that a blond hair was found on Shane. He's always made me...uneasy, I guess. But the key issue is that Sam’s DNA wasn’t found in the first assault. That was Harvey.”

“So he planted Harvey’s DNA.”

“Sam’s…god, for lack of a better word…really fucking dumb, Seb. You think he just broke into the clinic, somehow got Harvey’s…sample…then replaced it?”

Because I was bored without you. I’m always bored without you. “Yeah, I think that’s exactly what he did.”

“How? I’m not saying I doubt you, but in what way is that provable?”

“Cameras?”

“Most of us aren’t as paranoid as you. You’d be surprised how often Harvey actually failed to lock the clinic up at night.”

“Well, there you go. Bad security.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t prove anything. We’ve got opportunity but means? Motive? Nothing.”

“So he just gets away with it.”

“Maybe, Seb. Look, you’re free. You got out. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe it really is done. Just get out of this place and start fresh.”

No. Not without Daphne.