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2016-06-29
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A Series of Unfortunate Decisions Iwaizumi Hajime Makes Because of Oikawa Tooru (And Sugawara Koushi)

Summary:

As with most bad decisions in Iwaizumi’s life, it begins with Oikawa opening his mouth.
“We should get Tinder.”
“Oikawa no.”

Notes:

IT'S ALL CRACK LOVE IT OR HATE IT HAHAHAHAHAHA
but liek this is so bad pls don't judge ive had too much coffee to think like a human
Iwaizumi is bae

Work Text:

As with most bad decisions in Iwaizumi’s life, it begins with Oikawa opening his mouth.

“We should get Tinder.”

“Oikawa no.”

They don’t get Tinder, but it’s a close thing. Like, really close. As in, Oikawa-don’t-you-dare-press-that-make-profile-button-or-you’re-dead close.

Iwaizumi hates that he loves Oikawa. He really does. In fact, there are a lot of things that Iwaizumi hates. That he also loves.

Here’s a list of things that he hates that he loves (A story of Iwaizumi Hajime’s life):

  1. As with most things he loves to hate, it begins with Oikawa and Oikawa’s diva moments. They’re so fucking annoying. And yet, Iwaizumi finds the particular pitch in which Oikawa whines Iwaaaa-chhhaaaaan adorable. So fuck him, right?
  2. On the topic of Iwa-chan – Iwa-chan. What the fuck is up with that? He’s not a five year old, even though Oikawa most definitely is. He hates it. He hates it when Oikawa calls him Iwaizumi instead of Iwa-chan and if that isn’t the most masochistic thing he’s ever thought than he’s obviously not dating the most sadistic asshole this side of the northern hemisphere. (Oikawa bought him a shirt that had world’s biggest masochist written on it once. Perhaps it’s truer than he’d ever admit aloud).
  3. Oikawa’s confidence. It’s all fake. Don’t let the smile fool you – Iwaizumi has spent more time telling Oikawa that he looks fine and can we please go now, yes, yes, you look like the sexiest UFO lover ever, everyone at the convention is going to be jealous of your antenna and no, no, the green body paint doesn’t make you look like a hospital patient with some weird form of leprosy, honey I swear you rock the green look better than Shrek, than actually, you know, going on dates with him. But still, he’ll be at Oikawa’s side for three hours just so see the way he smiles at himself in the mirror when finally he thinks he looks good.
  4. Oikawa’s logic. Everything is just so much harder when you’re dating the male equivalent of Tara Banks. Really – he can’t have a monogamous with Iwaizumi because they act like an old married couple and apparently that’s a bad thing, according the biggest pain in Iwaizumi’s ass since birth, because then things will get boring. So how to remedy this – not an active goal of relationship improvement so that when things do get, and he quotes, ‘crustier then the end pieces on the bread’, they can shake it up a little and get out of the, and he quotes, ‘disgusting, domestic slump entails using the bathroom at the same time, and that’s just gross, Iwa-chan’, no, no, that would be too easy. Instead, Mr I-spend-more-money-on-my-hair-gel-than-food Oikawa decides that they need to have a go at polygamous relationships cause why the hell not.
  5. Drive thru’s. They’re so convenient and yet, so unhealthy.

Wait – hold up. There was a plot point in there somewhere. Right. Polygamy.

Now; Iwaizumi doesn’t really have anything against polygamy. Doesn’t have anything against having a polygamous relationship. Really. It’s just that Oikawa’s choice in partners isn’t something that they can both agree on.

-

Terushima Yuuji is the first of many victims.

“He has a tongue ring.”

“Yes, yes, Iwa-chan. Doesn’t it just excite you?”

“Not really.”

“Shut up and look pretty, Iwa-chan, Teru-chan is walking over!”

“I hate you.”

He lasts for all of two weeks until Iwaizumi is fed up.

“It’s like dealing with two of you,” he tells Oikawa after a particularly disastrous movie night as they’re spread out across the lounge, Oikawa resting his head on his chest.

“Awwww, Iwa-chan would rather have me than Teru-chan,” he giggles, and Iwaizumi gives up on life when he feels Oikawa trace patterns into his bicep. “I’ll break up with him tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

(It’s around this time that Iwaizumi meets Sugawara Koushi in one of his university lectures. The white of his hair and the brilliance of his smile are lost on him through foggy thoughts about Oikawa and Terushima and how many failed attempts at a threesome it would take to get it right).

-

Victim number two is Akaashi Keiji.

It goes great for about a month until Oikawa storms into their shared apartment mumbling crazy shit – on second thought, that’s everyday of Iwaizumi’s life so maybe the action that sets off alarm bells is that Oikawa, the same Oikawa that needs to be bribed to have sex because ‘sex hair doesn’t look good on me, Iwa-chan!’, drags him to their bedroom and rides him like it’s his job. Iwaizumi is thoroughly wrecked and can only watch as Oikawa messages Akaashi telling him that we’re very sorry but it just isn’t working out.

“What was that about?” Iwaizumi asks later, when they’re settled over Chinese take-out with the Little Mermaid playing on TV (He’s dating a five year old. Really).

Oikawa turns his nose up, “Hmph. Aka-chan was dating us but he didn’t like me.”

Iwaizumi raises his eyebrows, “None of the shit that leaves your mouth makes any sense.”

“Iwa-chan can’t you comfort your boyfriend for once,” Oikawa hisses, not looking in the least bit in need of comfort, “I mean, Aka-chan only dated us to get to you.”

“Who is feeding you this garbage?”

“Bokuto.”

Iwaizumi glares at him, “Are we really having this conversation? Bokuto, the same Bokuto that claims he saw a three-foot-tall midget knock out a man in Speedos at the Tokyo pride parade? Really, Shittykawa –”

“Iwa-chan, he showed me screen shots! I swear, their texts consisted mainly of how nice your ass is and how much he hated my Star Trek collection.”

He can only respond with, “Oh,” because, yeah, okay, that’s kinda flattering because Akaashi has this kind of ethereal beauty and for him to have sole interest in Iwaizumi and not the date-one-Oikawa-and-get-Iwaizumi-free deal they are offering is definitely inflating his ego.

Oikawa throws a piece of chicken at him, “Iwa-chan,” he says (whines), horrified.

“What the actual fuck, you moronic piece of fish,” Iwaizumi growls, picking the chicken from his hair and wincing at how sticky it is.

“Iwa-chan looked happy,” Oikawa grouses, “Aka-chan can’t have Iwa-chan. I won’t let him! Iwa-chan is mine.”

“Why the hell do you want a polygamous relationship then?!”

“Because they look like they could be fun!”

He hits his head against the table.

Why him?

(On the bright side, though, Suga treats him to coffee the next day and pats his head when he complains about his relationship issues.

“I think you’ll be okay, Iwaizumi-san,” Suga says, ruffling his hair and oh boy doesn’t that just feel divine, “Oikawa will either give up, or you’ll find someone you both get along with.”

Iwaizumi feels like he’s just gone to church or something when they part ways, though, because damn Suga is the purest thing he’s ever laid eyes on.)

-

Victim number three is Kuroo Tetsurou. (If you can even call him the victim, because it kind of feels like he and Oikawa were cheated out of something in their short time with him.)

Iwaizumi has never felt more afraid in his life, bent on all fours on their kind size bed with Kuroo smirking behind him and Oikawa a writhing mess under him. He’s even more uncomfortable when Kuroo brings out the whips and trails it over his backside.

He hears more than sees the grin on Kuroo’s face when he says, “Has anyone told you that you have a great ass, Iwaizumi?”

Oikawa giggles beneath him, like he’s having the time of his life with a vibrator shoved up his butt, and Iwaizumi feels more irritated than anything else, “I’ve heard it once or twice.”

“Ohohoho,” he gets in response and he glares at Oikawa because it’s his fault that they’re in this mess, “Someone’s confident.”

“Get fucked,” he spits, and Oikawa looks even more gleeful, wrapping his arms around his neck.

He feels Kuroo drape himself along his back and tenses, “Wrong context, lovely. You’re the one getting fucked tonight.”

Oikawa giggles again.

Iwaizumi screams internally.

(The next day Iwaizumi enters class with a limp and Suga just rubs his shoulder.

“Another bad break up?” he asks soothingly.

He just grunts in reply and wonders why Oikawa couldn’t bring someone like Suga home instead of Kuroo Tetsurou.)

-

The rest of the victims pass in a blur.

Asahi Azumane cries when Iwaizumi looks at him for longer than five seconds.

Kageyama Tobio is a good idea until he isn’t a good idea and now Oikawa has a picture of him hung up on a dartboard for when university gets too stressful.

Nishinoya Yuu gets them a noise complaint from their neighbours because god forbid he have an inside voice. Iwaizumi doesn’t understand the need to scream over toast.

Things look great with Yamaguchi Tadashi – he’s non-obtrusive, quiet, funny when he needs to be and, over all, just a cute small thing for them to fuss over and cuddle with. Until he realises that his unrequited childhood love isn’t so unrequited and Iwaizumi still finds it strange how they send him off like two proud parents rather than two bitter lovers.

Haiba Lev breaks their bookshelf on the first date. Ushijima Wakatoshi gets way weird, way quick. Sawamura Daichi has nice thighs but a daddy complex that creeps Oikawa out. Kunimi and Kindaichi are nice kids but they’re, well, kids.

Iwaizumi hasn’t lost hope until Oikawa asks sheepishly, “Bokuto?”

“Okay, you know what, how about we give this a rest for a little while?” he says, standing up and bouncing in place like it’ll stop him from slapping Oikawa over the head like he really wants to.

Oikawa pouts, “Maybe you’re right, Iwa-chan. A break sounds good.”

Iwaizumi lets out the breath he doesn’t know he’s holding, “Thank fucking god.”

“You’re totally sure that Bokuto is a no go?”

“I’ll hit you.”

“A definite no, then.”

-

They’re studying in the library together when Suga laughs at him, “It took you guys long enough to give up.”

“I wish,” Iwaizumi snorts, “He still hasn’t stopped bringing Bokuto up. But I think that’s the desperation talking.”

Suga just hums, “Hey, Hajime, do you know the answer to this one?”

Iwaizumi moves closer, until his body is pressed up against Suga’s to look at the question. “Yeah,” he says, reaching over to the paper, unconsciously pushing them closer together, not noticing the way Suga’s cheeks flush red, “You differentiate this part here....then bring the x up here....and factorise and simplify.”

Suga lights up with understanding, and flashes Iwaizumi a smile that squeezes at his airways in a sensation he’s only felt when looking at Oikawa and blurts, “You know, I kinda wish Oikawa bought you home.”

Suga goes even more red, holy cow that’s the cutest thing he’s seen since Oikawa’s bed head okay, and replies, softly, “Me too.”

Iwaizumi forgets how to breathe.

-

“-long story short, I think we should date Sugawara.”

 “Sugawara?” Oikawa pouts. The coffee shop bustles around them but Iwaizumi’s too nervous to drink anything.

“You’re against the idea, aren’t you?”

“No,” he huffs haughtily, “Iwa-chan was the one that suggested we stop looking for a while.”

Iwaizumi rubs his temples, “Yes, I know, but I really think this could work out.”

“What if he wants to stick something up your butt like Tetsu-chan did? Will you still like Sugawara then?”

“That’s a different story entirely, and you know it.”

“So you would let him stick something up your ass, how indecent are your thoughts, Iwa-chan?”

“Shut up before I hit you.”

“Domestic violence in public, Iwa-chan. Have some decorum please.”

“Is it a yes or a no?”

Oikawa smiles, “It’s a yes from me!”

-

The first date is great. The second date is better. The third date is the best. The fourth date is – well. You get the picture.

It’s perfect.

“I’m home!” Iwaizumi calls, dumping his book bag by the door. He walks into the living room to find his boyfriends cuddling on the couch, and he’s momentarily blinded by how pretty his boyfriends are. Not that he’ll ever tell Oikawa that he’s pretty. (He tells Suga every day, though).

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa exclaims, smiling happily at him, and Iwaizumi’s heart skips a beat.

(It’s nice to see what he hates to love smiling, even if he loves to hate it).

He’s lucky. He’s happy.

-

That is, until dinner time rolls around and he realises the mess he’s gone and gotten himself into.

“Kou-chan and I,” Oikawa starts (starts every bad decision of the rest of his life), “Were thinking about pizza for dinner.”

Iwaizumi nods, unassuming, “Okay. Who’s paying? I paid last time.”

Suga smiles, “I can pay,” he says earnestly, looking through his overnight bag for his wallet. Only a few seconds later, he makes a sound and declares innocently, “Oh, damn it seems I’ve left my wallet at home. Sorry, honey.”

“No, no,” Iwaizumi says, turning to Oikawa, “Trashikawa can pay-”

“Sorry, haven’t been paid yet,” a pause, “Tehehe.”

It’s not until after he’s paid and spotted Suga’s wallet on the kitchen table does he catch on.

“Oi,” he throws Suga his wallet, “This was in the kitchen.”

Suga is the epitome of purity as he sticks out his tongue and says, “So that’s where it was!”

Beside him, Oikawa giggles, “Silly Kou-chan.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t believe their innocence.

His wallet burns. Inside, he screams.

Suga and Oikawa smile.

They’ve got him right where they want him.