Chapter Text
“Daddy, we’re going to be late!”
Wille sighed, buttoning up the top button on their shirt as they did their best to try and make it look like they hadn’t woken up five minutes before. They hadn’t of course, and in fact had already had a full morning of breakfast, packing and a quick workout. But the deep bags under their eyes and the way their hair was sticking up suggested otherwise.
Wille turned to see their very own tiny human staring at them from the doorway, purple backpack slung on her shoulders and hands on her hips, a slightly pinched expression on her face that was so achingly familiar to Wille that they almost had to smile. “Okay Nova, I’m coming.” They brushed back their hair, trying and failing to get it to do that nice swooping thing that it sometimes did that made them look good, but gave up when it fell back in their eyes, listless. It was probably time for a trim to give it a little bit more life but between a busy five year old and a full-time job, Wille hadn’t exactly been prioritizing their self care lately.
Nova stared at Wille from the door, the picture of restrained patience. Or as much patience as any five year old could have. Their daughter had dressed herself today in a bright yellow shirt and her favourite pair of denim dungarees, the ones with the rips in the knees that her auntie Felice had sewn colourful patches over last summer. She had on white sneakers that lit up whenever she walked, a purchase from Wille themself who hadn’t been able to resist her big brown eyes when she’d seen them in the store. And on her head …
“Come here, älskling. Can I fix your hair a little bit?”
Nova pouted. “But we’re going to be late. I don’t like being late.”
Wille fought to keep their face even and not show the slight underlying frustration they felt at the term they’d heard frankly, too many times. Not from her, but from everyone else. But it wasn’t her fault that the two of them were cutting it a little close to be out the door, and it definitely wasn’t her fault that Wille always seemed to be a little late. And so they trampled down the old frustration and sent her a small smile. “We’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll be super quick and then we can go. Okay?”
Nova thought on it but eventually relented easily, her backpack sliding to the ground as she moved to stand between Wille’s legs where they were sitting on the edge of the bed. She let Wille move her and position her head and with practiced ease, they undid the two space buns from the day before. They used a comb to part her dark curls down the middle and re-secure each section back into place on top of her head in cute little buns, tying them with elastics to match her outfit. They smoothed out the loose hairs with a small bit of gel from the container they kept by their bed for times just like this, and grabbed a spare bow that sat there as well to slide onto the side.
Wille hadn’t always been good at doing their daughters hair - in fact, they’d always been pretty terrible at styling her unruly curls and could never seem to get it just right. But after the divorce, they’d had to learn pretty quickly how to do it on their own; it took a lot of YouTube tutorials and trial and error between the two of them before Wille had gotten to where they were today. A lot of mornings with Nova in her highchair eating snacks, while Wille did and then redid her hair before they were happy with it, or Nova was too restless and told them she was done.
But it wasn’t as though they could call up her papa to fix it for them, could they?
“There, all done.” Wille said finishing off the last bun, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. From the angle on the bed Wille only had to turn her a little to face the small stand up mirror in the room so she could see herself. “My beautiful, Novie.” Wille tickled her sides, their fingers digging into her tummy enough to make her laugh and their sour mood from earlier completely vanished the second they heard her high pitched giggles in their ear. It truly was the best sound in the entire world.
She sank back into their arms, curls tickling Wille’s nose and they laughed too. Nova squirmed in their hold, huge smile on her face. “Daddy! My curls!” Her little fingers tried to reach back and dig into Wille’s sides but they moved quickly, scooping her up and holding her in their arms. She was almost too big for this, to be carried and Wille knew soon they wouldn’t be able to anymore. And they knew that sooner rather than later they definitely wouldn’t be able to lift her as much without feeling the twinge in their back the next day, but for now Nova didn’t seem to mind and they were determined to soak up every minute they could with her, not wanting to miss a single moment.
Wille settled her onto their hip and turned them so that the two of them were facing the mirror and their reflections. “Do you want to do some quick happy words before we go?” They asked softly. Nova nodded adamantly, big smile on her face.
‘Happy words’ was something that they had done since before she could talk, back to the very very early days. Happy thoughts were affirmations in the mirror each day, spoken confidently and usually with giggles and some slight teasing. Wille remembered holding her as a baby, the two of them looking in the mirror as they told her how smart and brave and smart she was. As she got older and learned to talk they maintained the tradition, Nova coming up with her own affirmations. It was something Wille’s ex had started, but it had become essential to their routine and had become one of their favourite parts of the day with their daughter. “You start.” Wille prodded gently, poking her in the side.
Nova scrunched up her nose in deep thought, in only the way that a five year old could. She liked to change up her affirmations up each day, always coming up with something new. Wille waited patiently while she thought of with the words she wanted. “I am re … resource-ing.”
Wille nodded and rolled their lips to hide their smile. “Resourceful.” They corrected gently. “That’s right baby, you are. Okay, my turn. I am … brave.”
“Yes you are, daddy. The strongest and bravest. I am … a good listener.” Wille’s heart melted just as it did every morning when they did this. Wille sometimes helped her with some new words but everything else was all her and they couldn’t be more proud. They loved hearing the things she came up with, the positive self talk she had of herself, and the confident smile on her face when she did. It made them feel that they were doing something right, even when it sometimes felt they were doing it all wrong.
The two of them went back and forth a few more times sharing their affirmations until Wille glanced at the clock and knew that if they didn’t leave that moment they would definitely be late and Nova wouldn’t be the only one that was unhappy.
They moved Nova so she was on their hip, her arms wrapped around their neck. “Alright älskling. Are you all ready to go? Do you have all of your toys packed up that you want to bring with you?” Wille had packed all of her essentials the night before into her small suitcase, but Nova always packed her own little backpack of toys and dolls that she wanted to bring with her. It was a practiced routine for the two of them now, packing up her life once every other week to send her over to her papa’s house.
It hurt Wille only a little bit that this was their normal; that their daughter was so used to this life of moving around that she hardly even batted an eye when she had to pack up and leave anymore.
They grabbed the bags and loaded everything into the Wille’s car - including Sunny, the golden retriever. Sunny was two years younger than Nova, a companion Wille had gotten not long after moving into their apartment on their own, and they didn’t often go anywhere without her. And Sunny always came with them on Sundays. The dog plopped down onto the seat beside Nova in the back, curling a few times until she found a comfortable spot and her tail wrapped around her legs. Wille scratched her on the head behind the ears after securing the buckles on Nova’s carseat. Both of them looked up at Wille and their heart melted all over again. All things considered, they were pretty damn lucky.
The drive to the coffee shop was familiar as it was routine at this point, a place Wille only ever visited on Sundays. They never went to the shop alone and couldn’t seem to bring themself to go during the week. It felt wrong to go there without Nova, or without knowing that they would be seeing her soon. The coffee shop had been a pre-decided spot between them and their ex to meet each week to swap off care; it was halfway between Wille’s apartment and the old house they used to share, making it the easiest place to trade-off Nova for the week as per the shared custody agreement.
Nova sang along to the radio in the backseat, her little hand on Sunny’s head and Wille couldn’t help but smile at her through the rearview mirror. How young and innocent she was, seemingly unaware of the turmoil her father went though each time they made this drive, how Wille’s smile was always just a little more forced on Sunday mornings. Every Sunday they woke with a small pit in their stomach that never fully seemed to ease until the day was done, and would return week after week like clockwork. But to their five year old, she was sitting in the backseat of the car, listening to her favourite song as she sat beside her furry best friend, and was most likely thinking about the chocolate croissant her papa no doubt had waiting for her when they arrived.
Life was a lot easier when you were five.
Wille turned into the parking lot and slid into one of the last available spots. The drive always felt too short, never enough time to get their head in order for what lay ahead, to figure out what to say or how to compose their expression. They’d been doing this switch with their ex for three years now and somehow it ever got any easier. Somehow to Wille, they always felt those same typical nerves in their stomach knowing that they were about to be face to face with their ex husband.
Somehow after three years, it hadn’t stopped hurting to meet him like this.
Nova was unbuckled from her carseat by the time Wille made it to the back to open her door, and they had to grab her hand to keep her from running across the parking lot and into the shop. They knew she loved to be with them and that the two of them always had an amazing time together when she was at their house, but she always got so excited to see her papa - just as she got excited to see Wille when she was away from them for a week.
They grabbed her overnight bag and Sunny’s leash, tossing the bag over their shoulder as they held onto Nova’s hand. She led them across the parking lot and into the small outside seating area of the coffee shop, already on her way to their regular table. They met in the same place, at the same table every week. A steady, reliable routine. Wille could see Nova craning her head above the crowd of Sunday brunch goers, hopping up on her tip toes to see if the table was already occupied.
As usual, it was.
Wille dropped her hand when the table was in sight, the occupant rising just in time for Nova to launch herself into his arms. “Papa!” She practically screeched as his arms caught her and wrapped around her as he picked her up into a tight hug. He spun her just a little, her sneakered feet kicking out, making them light up.
Wille had to turn away. Had to focus on something else, the pit in their stomach heavy.
They made it to the table and gently tugged Sunny’s leash to a heel as the dog tried to run up to say hi too. Sunny wiggled her tail excitedly, clearly waiting her turn for her hello. The second Nova’s feet hit the ground, Sunny burst into Wille’s ex’s space and did happy donuts between his legs where he crouched, until she finally calmed enough for him to actually pet her. “Hi Sunny girl. Look at you! Hello to you too, sweetheart.”
Wille’s heart definitely did not skip watching the interaction. And they definitely did not wiggle in excitement as they waited their turn for a hello. Definitely not.
It felt like a small eternity for deep brown eyes to finally, finally look up and meet their own, and they were met with a smile that looked a little less fake than the one they were currently sporting. “Hey Wille.”
“Hey, Simme.”
Simon straightened up, Nova’s hand in his as he watched Wille with a careful expression. He was always careful, composed. He had the same look on his face that he did every week - resigned, polite and noncommittal. Like he was conversing politely with a stranger instead of someone he used to be married to, someone he shared a child with. “How was your week? Good?”
Wille nodded, wordlessly handing over the bag from their shoulder filled with Nova’s things. Their daughter knelt on the ground between them, giving Sunny kisses to her little furry head and giggling when Sunny licked her cheek. Both Wille and Simon smiled at the two of them. “Yeah, it was good. She’s up to date on all of her reading for the week, and her dance stuff is in there for ballet on Tuesday. Everything else should be in there.”
Simon nodded, polite smile still on his lips. “Okay, thanks. I’ll make sure to refresh the dance stuff for next week too.” He bit his lip, a sign Wille knew from years of experience that meant he was nervous. Wille still hadn’t gotten used to a world where Simon was nervous around them. Nervous to even look at them. “Actually … about next week, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Swallowing the pit in their throat, Wille nodded. They didn’t always talk so much, just polite conversation and updates about Nova before going their separate wats. Wille’s fake smile was still in place, hopefully still looking normal and not forced. A part of them wondered if Simon could tell it was fake, or if maybe he’d lost that ability to read them. “Yeah sure, what’s up?”
“Well,” Simon started, eyes flicking down. “Sunday is my mama’s birthday and we were going to do a dinner at her place. I know it’s … not our agreement, but would it be okay if I dropped Nova off at yours after that? I know it’s later, but mama -”
“No, no of course that’s fine.” Wille interrupted, hand waved between them. “She should be with her abuela on her birthday. You can come by after, that’s fine. Doesn’t matter how late.” Wille suppressed a wince. “Drop her off after, I mean.”
“Yeah, okay. Thanks Wille.” Simon nodded. “I appreciate it, and I know mama will too. So thanks.”
“No problem.”
“And I know it’s a school night so it won’t be super late.”
“Okay, yeah. Cool.”
Wille took a moment to take in Simon’s appearance - he looked good, Wille could admit. Though they supposed Simon always looked good, and they couldn’t really think of a time when he didn’t. He was in typical Sunday comfy clothes, a worn university hoodie and a pair of nicer sweats that hugged his legs, and a beanie on to no doubt tame his morning curls. He probably hadn’t wanted to get up early to shower, instead just shoving the hat on as he walked out the door.
Simon had never been a morning person, but somehow he always seemed to arrive each week before Wille.
Wille had never thought that they’d be married to someone like Simon Eriksson. Bright, fun, sunny disposition with a wit to match and a voice like an angel. And not to mention jaw-droppingly gorgeous.
They had met just like many other young adults, through a friend of a friend in their first year of university. They became fast friends, and their romance bloomed even faster. Everything clicked with them instantly, and it wasn’t long until they went from Wille and Simon to WilleandSimon, a unit where you hardly saw one without the other. Four years had flown by, years of university parties, living together, too much takeout and late night study sessions, and they were stil as strong and in love as ever. And so when on their graduation day surrounded by all of their friends and family Wille had dropped to one knee and proposed, no one had been the least bit shocked.
Simon has sealed their lips together in a kiss before he’d even said yes. Someone had snapped a picture, one that had lived on their mantle for years after.
They married a year later, a somewhat small ceremony yet bigger than both of them had wanted thanks to Wille’s parents who insisted on inviting business partners and friends whom neither of them had every met. But they hardly cared, too excited to finally promise each other forever in the way they’d talked about for so long, whispered across skin and pillows late at night, repeated again and again on the harder days where they tried to make ends meet, and softly pressed between kisses after a particularly bad fight.
Wille had Simon and Simon had Wille and for them, that was all that mattered.
They moved into their new house right after the wedding, a nice two-storey brownstone just outside of the city. Wille’s parents had wanted to buy them something bigger, but Wille had talked them down to just paying the downpayment on the house and leaving the mortgage to the two of them. Simon had protested to even that, but he knew they were in no position to afford a house after school, and it was that or a dinghy apartment like the one most of their friends found themselves in. So Simon had eventually resigned and given in.
The first two years were nothing short of bliss. Spontaneous weekly date nights, christening every room in their house once (and then again), and navigating the trails and triumphs of newly married life. Though rarely, they did fight and the first married fight was the worst - it ended with Wille sat out on the front porch all night with their back to the door after the two of them had screamed themself hoarse, and they had stayed there until Simon opened the door in the morning, shock on his face that Wille was still there. They made up quickly after that.
Wille started work for their parents not long after the wedding, administrative work for the family business. It paid the bills and allowed Simon to pursue his passion of working with at-risk youth, volunteering with a non-profit charity on weekends and working at a coffee shop during the week to make ends meet. It wasn’t a lot, but paired with Wille’s salary it was enough for them to get by comfortably. Wille’s parents always tried to offer them more money, money Simon never wanted to take. Sometimes they would, but most times they wouldn’t and anything they did take, Simon was determined to pay them back every cent.
It was something they didn’t see eye to eye on, but they made it work. Mostly.
When Wille got promoted just after their third wedding anniversary, it was Simon who brought up the topic of kids for the first time, shy and unsure. He’d whispered it into Wille’s shoulder before bed, half hidden in their chest when he asked what they thought about starting a family for real. The thought had been brought up briefly and in passing, but never with any held significance. But Wille had been waiting too, and they had been planning on asking Simon the very same question but was waiting for the right time.
And so they had done the research, giddy and excited as they looked into all of their options until they finally settled on surrogacy. There was very little debate on who the donor should be, Wille all too happy to have another little Simon running around their house. They’d give Simon whatever he wanted, as long as he was happy. Simon had just kissed them again and again, and said that Wille could donate for their second child.
And so after many doctors offices and meetings with potential surrogates, Nova Wren Eriksson had come into the world, loud and bright and beautiful. Wille and Simon had been there for her very first breath, both a little teary eyed and so so happy as they held her for the first time in the delivery room. She was perfect, and she was all theirs.
They navigated the first year of parenting as any new couple did, wading through books and articles and so many dirty diapers and spit up covered nappies. While they both took paternity leave after the birth, Wille’s job didn’t allow them to take as much time off and they primarily worked during the week days, whereas Simon continued to work on weekends.
They made it work for a little while.
But Wille’s second promotion six months after Nova’s birth had them working more and more, hardly home and Simon was left alone with her more often than not. Simon bore the brunt of teething, colic and midnight wake up calls, which made him understandably frustrated and tired. Wille came home and would take Nova, only for Simon to disappear into his home office to get the work done on the non-profit he hadn’t been able to do during the day. Cracks and strains started in their relationship, made worse by Wille’s parents giving unwanted opinions and thoughts on near every parenting decision they made, nitpicking every little thing like future school choices, the foods they did or didn’t feed her, and ‘did they really understand how important sleep schedules were?’
Wille’s increasing work schedule made it nearly impossible for them to have any time alone outside of handing off the baby when the other got home, and their full schedules left them tired and short with each other more days than not. Their day to day became a monotonous routine, and slowly their only interaction became when they were with friends, family or entertaining Nova in the same room. The passion faded to nothing more than practiced routine and the cracks between them grew and grew until Wille and Simon were nothing more than roommates. The bright burning love and intimacy they’d once shared faded to nothing more than a burnt out ember.
And so when Simon had brought up the idea of separation one morning not long after Nova’s second birthday over breakfast, Wille could hardly fight him on it. There wasn’t much left of their relationship and they both knew it. They could fight and try and save what they’d once had, but a part of both of them knew too much damage had been done.
Everything proceeded quickly, a civil, clean break. Despite their parents telling them not to, Wille gave Simon whatever he wanted in the divorce; there had been no prenup and they wanted Simon to be happy in a way that he hadn’t been with them in so long. And they wanted the best for Nova, whatever that looked like. So it was agreed that Simon would stay in the house while Wille would pay the mortgage as well as child support, despite Simon’s initial protests. Simon was working full-time at the non-profit by then and while he made a salary, it wasn’t anything near what Wille made. Again, Simon agreed but mostly for Nova’s sake.
The two of them agreed easily on joint custody of Nova, and within a few months the whole thing had been settled, tied neatly with a bow and ink drying on a paper. Five years of marriage and almost nine together, packaged up and split in two almost like it never happened.
And so just as Wille had never thought he’d be married to someone like Simon Eriksson, what was even harder to face was being divorced from him.
Simon looked back at Wille, a slight crack in his polished smiled. A tiny flicker of emotion that Wille desperately wanted to cling to. Did Simon ever think back on their life like Wille did? Or had he pushed it all behind him, Wille just a blip in his past and something he had to deal with in the present?
The flicker was gone just as quickly as it came and Simon straightened, polite smile firmly back in place as he hiked Nova’s bag higher on his shoulder. “Well, we better get going. Mi corazón, do you want to say bye to your daddy?”
Nova looked up at the two of them from her spot on the ground with Sunny, smile on her face. Wille sometimes wondered if she remembered a time when they had all been living together, moments of happiness and love. Nights where they’d dance in the kitchen with her in their arms between them, sharing kisses and laughter. Nights where the three of them curled in their big bed, and Wille and Simon took turns reading her stories and making funny voices. Wille wondered if she remembered any of the later days of fighting, or the deafening silence in their house as they moved without speaking.
But Nova just smiled up at them, wide smile so innocent and bright. “Bye Daddy.” Wille scooped up their daughter and held her tight with one arm, Sunny’s leash still in the other.
“Bye Novie. I’ll see you on Sunday after abuela’s birthday, okay?” Wille kissed her temple, holding her tight for another moment. “Tell everyone I say hi.”
Nova nodded. “Remember to water my flowers, please. And to do your happy words! Every morning.” She pressed her little hands to their cheeks and looked at them seriously in the eyes. There was so much of Simon in her little face, that little scrunch of her brows when she was thinking or serious. She had his nose, his eyes, his curls. “If you need help thinking of some, just call papa and he can give the phone to me, okay?”
“Okay baby, I will. Promise. You can call too, but you’re usually better at thinking of them than me.” Nova giggled and Wille gave her one more squeeze and a kiss before setting her down. “Be good, and have fun with papa älskling. I love you.”
Nova slipped her hand into Simon’s and Wille tried not to look at their ex husband, not wanting to see the look on his face. Not wanting Simon to see the raw emotion on their own they were so desperately trying to hide from their daughter. Saying goodbye to Nova for a week never got easier after all this time, and Wille missed her like a limb when she was gone. “Love you Daddy.”
Wille flicked their eyes up to Simon, tightening their hand on Sunny’s leash. “Have a good week. If she needs anything …”
Simon nodded. “I’ll call.” He responded quietly. Their communication outside of weekly drop-offs was slim to none, but sometimes Nova would want to talk to the other during the opposite week, and so they made sure she knew the phone line to her other parent was always open, whenever and wherever. It was something they had both agreed on during the separation.
With one final wave, Wille watched as Simon and Nova disappeared around the corner to Simon’s car.
They looked down to the golden, who was looking after Nova and let out a small whine. “I know Sunny, I’ll miss her too. But it’s just seven days. We’ll see her next week.”
Wille made the trek back to their car alone, with just Sunny to keep them company.