Archive of Our Own ^beta

Nightmares

Though he tried to hide it, Tony was haunted by nightmares.

He'd rarely had them in hospital, mainly because of the drugs he had been on.

Returning home had brought them hitting him at full force nearly every night.

The first night when he, Pepper and Morgan had slept in the same room, he'd been fine, but the following night, Tony had woken screaming in the middle of the night, scaring Morgan and Pepper by unknowingly lashing out at them.

Pepper had gone after Morgan first, even if it meant leaving Tony crying softly into his pillow. But Morgan was her priority. She didn't want their daughter to grow afraid of her father because of the intense nightmares he suffered.

Tony had understood. Morgan was too young to understand the terrors that assaulted her father. Once she had calmed down, and Pepper had explained that her father had been scared by horrible dreams, Morgan was adamant about returning to cuddle her father better. She had never seen her father have nightmares before.

Though he had been partial to them when she was very young, she didn't remember those instances as she had slept through them.

What made these nightmares worse was that they haunted Tony during the day too. He kept thinking about how, if he had been one second slower, Thanos would have won. The world as they knew it wouldn't exist, and the people Tony loved wouldn't know him. He doubted Thanos would allow any of his enemies to be reborn into this alternative universe he wanted to create.

The thought of Morgan never existing was horrifying. She was such a sweet little girl with so much potential that it was amazing to see her grow and change every day. She brought joy to his life during a time when it had been so difficult to remain positive.

The loss of half of all life had taken its toll on everyone.

"Tony?"

Pepper's soft voice interrupted his thoughts.

He looked up. "Yeah?"

"You've been staring at that page for over twenty minutes. There is either something very interesting on it or you're thinking…" she observed.

They'd put Morgan to bed an hour ago, and Tony was still downstairs with Pepper for the first time since he had arrived home from hospital. He was slowly managing to stay awake longer.

"Thinking…" he admitted, exhaustion overcoming him.

"About?"

"Nightmares. I don't want them, Pep. Every night I see what could have been. I see a world where I failed. Sometimes I see Thanos take our daughter and hurt her… I was too slow to snap my fingers, and she suffers for it. I see you killed repeatedly in front of me. My biggest failure is not protecting the ones I love. You, Morgan, Happy, Rhodey, Peter…. All of you. Hurt because of me and my utter failure."

Pepper reached over and laid a gentle hand on his knee. "But you didn't fail. Tony, you won. And you survived. You get to see us every day for the rest of your life. You'll see Morgan grow up. You'll spend your days lecturing Peter on how to be a responsible superhero - something you never succeeded at yourself - and you'll continue to be leading hand in innovating the world's technology. The threat that haunted you for years came and gone and was defeated. You did it. You didn't just save the Earth, Tony, you saved the Universe. You didn't hesitate. You did it, knowing and accepting the consequences of that choice."

"But…"

Pepper shook her head. "You shouldn't dwell on what could have been. It's not the future we live in. I know we nearly lost everything, and that is terrifying, but that threat is gone."

Tony swallowed. "I know. But there is always another threat out there. What if what I did wasn't enough?"

That was the crux of it.

Thanos may have been defeated, and what he did to the universe restored, but ultimately, he wasn't the only threat out there.

"You cannot end all threats," said Pepper wistfully. "Don't push yourself. Don't dwell on it. Live for the moment, Tony."

Pepper was right. He shouldn't dwell. He shouldn't let his mind run to the worst possible scenario. He couldn't operate on the assumption that something else was out there. He wouldn't be able to rest if he kept on thinking those thoughts.

"Maybe I should talk to someone…" he mentioned.

Pepper frowned. "Therapy?"

"Maybe." He didn't like the idea. The thought of spilling all his dark thoughts to a random stranger was not appealing.

"I think what would help is if you got back into some sense of normalacy. in the few weeks you've been home, you've not been yourself, Tony, and I understand why. You are still recovering. But you've not even gone to the garage. I thought you might have at least been pushing yourself to tinker with your suits…"

Tony's face paled.

"Oh…" Pepper realised the truth. "The suits."

He hadn't wanted to consider the possibility. But he knew what he felt in his heart was true.

"The last thing I remember at that battle is my body failing. You, in front of me, trying to keep a brave face, no matter how much your heart was breaking… I was in agony from so much pain. I couldn't breathe… the suit crushing me… I couldn't retract it… I didn't want to die in the suit…. Seeing you one last time was a comfort." He shivered. "I'm scared to go in the garage…"

"Tony…"

"I'm not sure I can look at another suit again…" He closed his eyes. "I dream of dying too… Bet you never thought you'd hear that… Not wanting to see another suit again."

Pepper swallowed. "A few years ago, yes, but now? Tony, the suits are an integral part of you. It took me a long time to realise that. I wouldn't want you to stay away from them if you do not want to."

"I just…"

"Take it at your own pace, Tony. You don't have to go to the garage alone."

"I know." A small smile crossed his face. "Thanks. Love you, Pep."

She leaned in and pressed her lips against his, kissing him gently. "Love you too, Tony."

- - - - -

"Daddy?"

Tony looked up. He was working at his holographic table that he had installed in the back part of their living room area. He'd done this years ago so he wouldn't always be holed up inside the garage working on some project and getting lost in it. Pepper had appreciated it a lot, especially after Morgan had been born.

More often than not, Tony had stayed up late with Morgan when she wouldn't sleep through the night, just so Pepper could get some rest. Though his daughter was too young to remember that, he remembered how she had been entranced by the colours and fast moving images from such a young age.

"Yes, Morguna!" He smiled warmly at his five year old daughter.

"What you doing?" she asked, tilting her head to the side in fascination.

Tony glanced at the design he had been in the process of altering. "I am working on a new prosthetic arm for me."

It was just a simple design. He knew he needed to build himself an arm. Princess Shuri of Wakanda had offered, but Tony didn't want to impose, and nor did he want to place himself under Wakandan technology. Sure, it was highly advanced, but he had his own tech he would rather use.

"Are you gonna build another suit?"

Tony shook his head. "No." She had always been fascinated by the Iron Man suits he had stored in the garage. Morgan kept sneaking into the garage to look at them. She was incredible at getting in and out without him noticing.

"Why not? I like them."

"Daddy did too," he murmured softly.

"Did?" She was way too perceptive not to pick up on his particular choice of words. "Don'tcha like them anymore?"

Tony didn't really want to have this conversation with her but she was inquisitive by nature and wouldn't stop asking questions until she had a complete answer to them. "Daddy got really hurt by using the suits. At the moment, they bring bad memories. I can't look at them right now."

"Oh." She tipped her head to the side. "Can I help?"

"Huh?" He glanced at her.

"Your arm! I wanna help!"

"Oh, sure, Morgs!" Tony smiled. Morgan loved to sit with him as he designed things. She was already showing an aptitude for engineering. He wouldn't push her like his own father had done. He wanted her to have the childhood that he never had. She wouldn't be fast-tracked through school. She wouldn't be pressured to work ahead of her peers. No, Morgan would get to grow up normal.

Or as normalish as she could with Tony Stark as her father!

"What colours are you gonna have?" Morgan asked. "Red and gold?"

Tony chuckled. "That's a bit… bold?"

"So are your suits!"

Tony inwardly shuddered. He wasn't going to tell Morgan off for mentioning them. She didn't understand the effect the word 'suits' had on him. Maybe Pepper was right, and he should go to the garage. This fear of his was ridiculous. The nightmares were fuelled by his fear that he had somehow failed and how he had felt dying in his suit.

"Daddy?" Morgan poked him.

Iron Man was the reason he had lived for so long. Without the suits, he would have died long ago. He would never have made it out of Afghanistan.

He had to focus his mind. He didn't want to think about it right now.

"So, little miss, what colour should my new arm be?" He could make it look 'normal' but where was the fun in that?

"Red, gold and pink!" Morgan beamed.

"Pink?" Tony laughed.

"Purple?" she added.

He moved the holographic keyboard over to Morgan. "Why don't you paint it?"

"YES!" She climbed up onto a chair and eagerly got to work.

- - - - -

He couldn't breathe.

He was trying to take in air.

He couldn't.

His whole body was dying.

Pepper… Morgan…

Had he won?

He'd snapped his fingers…

A dark shape fell over him.

Thanos.

"Well played, Stark, but you failed."

Tony saw Thanos.

"You only killed yourself in your vain effort to destroy me."

"No…" Tony murmured.

"You will watch them both die before your own life fades…"

Pepper and Morgan were there.

How had they got there? Tony didn't know.

"Your daughter first."

"NO! NO! NO!" screamed Tony, trying to move, but he couldn't. He was too weak.

"Tony!" Pepper yelled, struggling in the grip of one of Thanos' minions.

Thanos held Morgan up by the throat, starting to squeeze.

"Noooo, don't… please!" Tony begged.

He could do nothing as the bones in her fragile neck snapped….

Her body went limp, and Thanos dropped the four-year-old at his feet, ensuring that her sightless eyes could be seen by Tony…

"MORGAN!"

Tony sat up, heart pumping fast in his chest. He'd failed.

Oh god, he'd failed.

Morgan was…

"Tony! It's a nightmare! It's not real!"

Tony scrambled away, falling out of the bed as he twisted to look at Pepper. "No… no… she's dead. I failed… Morgan is dead… You're dead… He killed you both… My suits failed me." He felt sick. He wasn't seeing her.

"No, Tony, its not real. I'm here. Morgan is in her room, asleep. You didn't fail. You defeated Thanos. You saved the universe."

A gentle hand on his cheek and he stilled.

"Pep?"

"I'm here."

The graphic nightmare was slowly fading from his mind. "Pep?"

"Do you want to see Morgan?" she asked gently.

He nodded vigorously.

Carefully, Pepper helped Tony to his feet, escorting him to their daughter's room. She sleeping peacefully in her bed, her little chest moving up and down as she dreamed.

"See, she's safe. Whatever you saw, didn't happen. You saved us. Saved us all."

His cheeks glistened with tears.

"I think I understand now what you are scared of."

"What?"

"It's not the suits you are scared of. It's not being able to use them to protect us in the future," explained Pepper gently. "You think you are scared of them because you were dying in one of them, but it's not. The thought of failure, of not being able to protect us is the real reason because you are scared you cannot use the suits to their full potential."

Tony hadn't thought of that.

And, it made sense.

He was scared of finding out if he could still use them. He was down one arm after all… Would he still have the same reaction times? He thought it was because he had lain dying in one… but what if it was because of the overriding fear he couldn't protect them anymore and he had to be the one to be protected?

"You may be right, Pep…" He leaned into her, his eyes not leaving Morgan's sleeping form.

She wrapped her arms around him. "I know, no matter what, you will always be able to protect us. I know you, Tony."

He supposed he should take the leap and go to the garage… If it stopped the nightmares….

"Can we go to the garage?"

"Now?" Pepper was surprised.

It was the early hours of the morning after all.

"I think I need to do this, Pep. Whilst I have the nerve to do it."

Pepper glanced at their daughter in her bed. "Morgan?"

"I'll engage the safety protocols. FRIDAY will let us know," said Tony.

Though they let Morgan play outside, they usually kept an eye on her through the window. She was too young to be left in the house by herself. But their house wasn't an ordinary house. FRIDAY was the most sophisticated A.I Tony had. Her primary objective had once been to protect Tony, but since Morgan had been born, Tony had changed the protocol to make her the most important Stark to be protected, with him and Pepper next. If all three were in danger of serious injury or even death, Morgan would always be the priority to be saved over Pepper or Tony.

"Ok," agreed Pepper. She took Tony's hand and gently led him down the stairs, being as quiet as possible to avoid waking Morgan.

"FRIDAY, engage all safety protocols. Keep Morgan safe." Tony instructed quietly when they reached the ground floor.

"Yes, Boss."

They moved outside, with Pepper locking the front door behind them. Though they were well protected, they couldn't be too careful.

The garage was around the back of the house. Tony had installed motion-sensor lights on the path and they came on as they walked the path towards the garage.

They stopped in front of it.

Tony swallowed.

His heart was beginning to beat faster in his chest as he felt nervous about entering the garage. He squeezed Pepper's hand tightly.

"You ok?" Pepper checked on him.

"No." A part of him wanted to run but he knew he had to do this. "Can you open it?"

Pepper reached for the control panel and input her access code. The garage door rolled upwards and the lights inside came on.

The garage itself was quite large, but rather simple in its design. There was a workbench and a computer installed, and a few of the projects he had been working on before he'd been dragged back into the superhero business, lay scattered in various stages of completion on the workbench.

Tony stepped inside. This was the part of the garage that Morgan could sneak into, especially if she saw one of her parents inputting their code. It was this part of the garage where she had taken her mother's Rescue helmet from when he had been working on it. She didn't have access to the lower part of the garage which had been built into the ground.

Tony reached the wall on the other side of the garage and pressed his hand to the handprint sensor and leaned in let the scanner look at his eyes. A green light pinged on and the floor started to open up to a another staircase down to a level below.

Carefully, Tony, with Pepper's help, made it down the stairs to the larger part of his lab, and where he stored all the Iron Man suits in display cases. Though he had lost them over the years, he had rebuilt them, wanting to keep them as momentos even if he didn't use the older versions of the suit.

His breath hitched in his throat.

"Tony?"

"I'm good…" he muttered, though he wasn't quite sure if he was or not.

He was relieved to see that the suit he had used last was not there. Pepper seemed to read his thoughts as she answered his unspoken question.

"We had to wreck the suit to get it off you. Did I choose wrong?"

Tony shook his head. "No. If I want to, I can always rebuild it." He still had the schematics.

The Mark 84 was resting in its designated space on the wall. The Mark 85 being the one he had to rebuild. The Mark 84 had been a step-down from his final design for the 85. It still utilised nano-technology but had less weaponry and focused more on defense rather than attack. Stepping up to it, Tony cast his gaze over the suit.

How was this going to work? He still only had one arm.

"Could FRIDAY have control of the right arm?" enquired Pepper.

"She could…"

"And if you built yourself a prosthetic could you adapt your next suit so that you could use it with it?"

Tony frowned. "It's possible but one arm would be thicker than the other… Unless I…" His mind was already racing, trying to figure out a problem he still needed to solve. "But that's not the point, Pep. Even if I design a suit with a prosthetic in mind, what if I still can't use it?"

"I don't think you would get into the suit if you didn't have to, Tony," replied Pepper quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder. "If you are retiring, the suit will be for emergencies only. Not for world-saving ones."

"Isn't saving the world an emergency?" quipped Tony lightly.

"I think you've more than earned your retirement, Tony. Let others step up now. You've saved the universe."

She had a point. But would he be able to hold back if he knew he could do something to help?

Yes, because I have Morgan and Pepper now. I only went back because I had to. Not because I wanted to.

"FRIDAY?"

"Yes, boss?"

"Open up Mark 84. And, eject the right arm."

The A.I obeyed his instructions and the right arm casually banged to the garage floor. Tony stepped up to the suit, knowing he had to take this step. Because if he was still going to defend his family, he had to do this.

"Breathe Tony…" Pepper said, watching him carefully.

He turned around and stepped backwards into the suit. FRIDAY didn't close it, waiting for the instructions as Tony cushioned himself inside it. He'd padded it out over the years so it was more comfortable to wear. "Lock me in, but don't put the faceplate down."

The suit closed around his body. It didn't feel restrictive. Nor was it setting off the panic attack he feared it would.

Reaching up with this left arm, Tony looked at Pepper as he flipped the faceplate down.

Instantly, the A.I interface loaded in front of the screen as the suit powered up. Information swirled across the screen. He wouldn't be able to fly with just one arm as the stabilisers in the palm of his hands helped him in flight.

If he had to, he could defend his home with this suit, even one-armed.

"How do you feel?"

Focusing on Pepper's voice, he was surprised how he wasn't freaking out. He had assumed he would but his vital signs were all reading normal though his blood pressure was a bit high.

"Ok, I think…" Tony tried to walk in the suit but found that a single step took a lot of effort. He didn't have the strength to use the suit to its full potential yet. If he had to, he could have FRIDAY take full control of the suit. He wanted to try what else he could do, but he recognised that wasn't the wisest thing he could do.

The suits could be controlled via thought because of a small implant he'd put in his head years ago. This is what had allowed him to use the nanonites so effectively. Each new suit was coded to the chip.

Sending a thought to the suit, he asked it to release him. The suit opened and he stumbled out, nearly falling onto Pepper who managed to steady him.

"Not bad…" he panted. "Just not strong enough to use it yet."

"You'll get there," smiled Pepper. "You can still protect us, Tony, even as you are now."

"Thanks, Pep." He pulled her into a hug.

- - - - -

To his delight, the nightmares that had been plaguing Tony, had finally stopped, for the most part. He still had the occasional one where he recalled the feeling of death after using the Infinity Stones, but for the most part, now he knew he could still protect his family, with a little bit of work, the fears had mostly disappeared.

Morgan was eagerly helping him with his design of a new arm. He needed it to be practical, mostly for domestic use, but also for defense if required. He would only don the suit for defence only.

This is where he needed a second genius to help him.

Not because he needed the help. He could do it himself. But he didn't want to do it himself.

"You know, Morg, how about we bring someone else into our little project?" he slyly asked.

"Who?" Morgan piped up.

Tony grinned, and without revealing who, dialled the number for Peter Parker.

Yes, it was about time he spoke to the kid after so long.

-End-