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Everyone found out the worst way. After weeks of knowing about the pregnancy, she knew there would come a time when she couldn't hide it anymore. Millie spent all day with Moxxie. Work, home, chores. There was no excuse to be apart.
Despite it all, he was not the one who ended the mystery
Stolas, that damn bird.
Millie felt sorry for him, of course. Not because he had lost his wealth, that was adaptable. But being hated by people while he was walking, that was fucked up. And, she had to admit, the sound of crying when he lost his daughter… that was the worst sound she had ever heard. That was one of the origins of her greatest fear, to be honest.
Okay, so she wasn't the former prince's biggest fan. Quite opposite, to begin with. Millie knew everything Blitz had been through when they broke up. She was angry at the bird not only for her best friend's pain, but also for the hell that was the office at this stage. He also didn't like how everyone treated them now, as if everything Stolas had ever been or done could have been erased by the simple fact that he was now nothing more than well... a nothing.
Of course Millie would never treat him badly. She knew how important he was to her best friend. Above all, Millie would never treat someone badly who had never done her any harm. She didn't hate him either, she just didn't like him. All of this added to all of her hormones and her ease in feeling angry due to well... her state at the moment.
The big problem was: that damn afternoon at the office.
It had been about three and a half weeks since Sinsmas, two weeks into this new year in hell. But things were still very much the same as they had ended the year before. Blitz kept trying to make Stolas fit in, help with business as a secretary. Truth be told, the owl was doing a pretty good job, even if he spent the first two weeks whining. With this change. With this change, Loona convinced her father to let her go along with the others on missions, which was causing Blitz to have a heart attack at the beginning of each mission. But in the end, it was a drag.
The biggest problem was Stolas trying to change something. He tried to take Millie's fucking coffee-getting job with the ridiculous excuse of "wanting to help, giving back, not being a fucking dead body.” He didn't say those words, not a single one, but the damn thing seemed to know what it was doing. Millie was fuming when he turned up with the coffees she was just about to get.
If only he'd gotten the coffees and left it at that. But no, he had to point out everything. Like the fact that Millie hadn't touched her coffee, or even been in the same room, because the smell of it made her feel sick.
“"I brought coffee!" Stolas said, smiling as if it were a great act. "I admit I had a lot of trouble finding the orders; the guy wrote all the names wrong. But I guess that's just his way."
He told his adventure as if it were a big deal, just going out and getting coffee. How awful, Millie thought, I should control this resentment I'm feeling. I'm not like that.
That thought was completely dissolved when the owl opened its mouth again.
“Millie, I just brought you some hot chocolate. I noticed you don't like coffee."
Then the whole office fell silent.
““What nonsense, your highness.” Moxxie insisted on continuing to use this ridiculous title with the prince. “Millie loves coffee. I think more than any of us.”
“Yeah, Stols, Moxxie has a point. Millie always drinks the most coffee out of us," Blitz added, leaning as close to the owl as he could. "Haven't you ever noticed?”
“Oh, to be honest, no,” Stolas replied, looking thoughtful, “it’s just that she always only brings four glasses, for me, Moxxie, you, and Loona. And every time we drink, she walks away. I thought she didn’t like it.” then he turns, looking a little guilty to Millie “I beg your pardon, if you want, I can go downstairs and ask for a change or something. Do they do that? Change, I mean.” He turned back to Blitz, looking panicked that he had done something wrong.
Blitz just smiled kindly at his "Birdie."
Ugh.
“"No need to worry, you probably can't actually exchange food. But we can buy another one, that's okay, right Millie?”
That senseless anger continued to bubble in Millie's heart.
“Of course, of course. Better not to go down for that, you know?”
“You know, now that he mentions it, honey, it’s true. All the coffee in the house is gone, and I haven’t seen you drink anything since. Is everything okay?”
“That way, it even looks like she’s pregnant.” Blitz joked.
Then, the moment Millie looked at Moxxie's face, she saw it. Every possible thought seemed to pass through him. A connection of all the dots, of all the events, all the nausea, all the irritation, all the hunger… everything.
“Honey..?”
“What?” She tried to brush it off, pretend she didn’t know anything.
“Is something going on? You’ve been acting strange lately, maybe we should do a test, I don’t know…” He looked nervous. Millie’s little heart sank. She knew he was dying of pain..
““No need,” she muttered, as quietly as she could.
"Hm?" Moxxie looked confused.
Millie forced her best attempt at a smile and cheerfulness..
“Surprise.”
Then there was all that emotion and crying that Millie was trying to avoid. Moxxie smiled the second biggest smile she had ever seen, the first being when they got married, as he ran to hug his wife. Blitz did some pirouettes and little jumps while clapping his hands, excited. Loona, oblivious as always, let out a loud, ironic "woof." And Stolas, the cause of all evil, clapped his hands over his mouth, his eyes shining.
“oh, dear, congrats” she heard him whisper.
“Oh, guys, it’s amazing, isn’t it, you look so… happy” her smile was starting to hurt her face while her insides were in complete panic.
They would never understand what was going on inside her.
“I… need some air, you know how it is…”
“Honey, are you okay??”
“I am, Moxxie!” She yelled “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell… I just… I need some air you know... it's really stuffy in here, don't you think… I just…” before his brain could continue the unfinished sentences, his hand had already opened the door. He ran out of it, his breathing so fast he thought he might die.
—-------
Well, she wasn't lying when she said she needed air. And she hadn't run that far away.. I mean, if you run from your office to the top of the building where that office is. And you expect people to know where you are. So theoretically, you weren't running away, right?
Shit.
She had always been so controlled about these things. It was never her freaking out.. She was always the one helping others when they were freaking out. Millie could handle all the shit in the world. Except this.
Now she needed to scream. Remember her connection with her sister. And definitely not remember everyone's joy down there.
Because she wasn't happy.
Why wasn't she happy? Millie should have been. She had an amazing husband, a stable job, and now she was going to have a baby and be happy with her perfect life. Right? And she could decide everything until now. But she was terrified. Hell, she didn't even know if she wanted this baby.
Should she want to? But what if she regretted not wanting to? What if Moxxie never looked at her again because of it? How selfish would she be if fear consumed her? She was in the prime of her life and didn't want to change that. But what if she regretted wanting to? What if she was a bad mother? What if she couldn't love her child? What if her child couldn't love her? What if…
And Millie was lost in so many “what ifs” when a glass of water was placed next to her, catching her attention.
And there was the owl, sitting with her on the ledge of the building, visibly nervous and awkward with the height.
“Thanks, Sweet, but I’d really like to be alone right now.”
“I know.” Stolas’s voice was calm, as if he hadn’t understood the message.
“So what are you still doing here?”
“I think you need to talk to me, that's all. And I don't think waiting is better.”
“No, we don’t need to talk.”
“No, I didn't say that. I said you need to talk to me.”
"Look, if you're here because you feel guilty about this, you don't have to. You can just say you're sorry and leave.”
“Guilty? For what…?” His face changed as he realized what Millie meant. “Fuck! I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t mean to. I mean, I just assumed… damn, Blitz and I had already talked about assumptions… I’m really sorry.”
“Okay, see? I've forgiven you, it's over, you can go." But he didn't move. He remained there, standing, as if he really had something to say..
She wanted to tell Stolas to leave, but she couldn't. Maybe she didn't want to be so alone.. It took a few minutes before he finally revealed why he was there.
“I didn’t want Via either, at the time Stella got pregnant.”
"What…”
He just looked at Millie with a look that she could sense was non-judgmental..
“The face you made, I made too.”
“Are you here to judge me?”
“No… I couldn't do that. I'm not a mother, I don't know how that feels for you..”
“So why?
“Like I said, I think you need to talk to me.”
“Eu não quero falar com você.”
“It's scary, isn't it?"
"If you're here to tell me how amazing it is to have a child despite everything, I swear I will..."
"I'm not here to talk, I'm here for you to talk."
"I already talked to my sister about it.”
Stolas remained silent, but stood in the same place. He didn't look at Millie, just at the horizon, as if that were enough. Millie wanted to push him.
“It doesn't make sense that you want to talk, it doesn't make sense that you're here! How do you think you can give me advice about having children, about what it must feel like? Your daughter hates you! I saw how you fell apart when she told you to leave, now you're telling me you didn't want her?
Stolas remained silent, even after her outburst. He simply nodded. After about two minutes, he spoke again.
“The process was a bit… complicated, let's say. Stella and I, well, we never could stand each other. Finding out she was pregnant was quite a shock. I was a little more than a teenager at the time, eighteen. So… I thought that having a daughter with that woman meant being stuck in that life forever and having responsibilities I never asked for. So yeah, I didn't want to have Via. Wow, I think this is the first time I've said that out loud.”
And again a silence fell over them. This time, it was Millie who was absorbing the speech. Her heart and head were still confused, wanting the bird away. But a small part of her in the midst of the confusion felt…welcomed.
“My situation is different…” she murmured, still defensive, “I’m not married to a crazy woman. On the contrary, I'm married to an amazing guy who loves me more than anything.”
“It doesn't change the fact that it's scary to know that something is going to change your whole life.”
“I feel so selfish”
“Maybe so. But it’s also important to think of yourself first.”
"I don't understand why you're so understanding, to be honest. I mean, you had every reason not to want to have a child. Me? Why am I so scared? Afraid of changing my job? My dynamics at home? Changing my priorities? I work so hard to take care of myself, how can I take care of someone else too? Fear of not loving enough, of not being loved enough… there are… there are so many selfish and idiotic reasons.”
““I’m not here to judge your motives,” he explained softly, “I’m here to sympathize with your pain. Your fears.”
Millie felt her eyes fill with tears.
“It’s not that I don’t want to… I just… I don’t know what I want” she felt her voice getting affected by a small cry that was coming “ and Moxxie, oh Moxxie, he would be so heartbroken to know how scared I am. It's all so scary, so uncertain…
She simply couldn't finish. She just rested her head on Stolas's arm and began to cry, grateful that he didn't say anything, just let her cry.
“I mean,” she continued, sobbing, “what if he gets mad at me? I love him so much… but… I love my life the way it is. I'm so scared to change her. I never thought about being a mother, and now I have to deal with it. Or not. I can imagine how you must be laughing inside, ‘look, I’ve been in that situation before and look how silly it is’-”
“I would never think something like that!” Stolas cut in, trying to hide how offended he felt in his voice. “I'm not here to judge you, Millie, I already said that. Don't worry. I love my daughter more than anything in this life. Mas I've already imagined what my life could have been like without being tied to that palace. What it would have been like to just leave. I'm here because I know what you're feeling right now. Well, I mean, more or less, like I said, I've never been a mother. But I don't know what your future will hold, and every fear is valid. As I said, we were in different situations, despite the similar feelings. I'm here because I've always wanted someone there with me.”
He took a deep breath, waiting for Millie to say something. When she didn't, just looked him in the eye, he gave her the kindest smile she'd ever received.
“E No matter what decision you make, you will not be alone. I'm not here to judge what you choose. E, honestly, I don't intend to help you make any decisions. But to listen to you.”
Millie was already in tears, her head buried in the hug Stolas had offered her..
“I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision. So afraid of regretting not having the baby, and at the same time regretting having one…” Stolas murmured an agreement to show he was paying attention. “It’s all so scary. I feel like I could be swallowed up by this fear. By this tension. Talking to my sister calmed me down a lot, but still… This feeling won't go away..." Between sniffles, she looked up at Stolas. "When did everything change? When did you go from fear to loving your daughter?"
Stolas's gaze remained distant, looking somewhere in the past.
“It took a few days. Five, to be exact. Stella had never cared much for Via's care, so the servants were the ones doing everything. On the fifth day, I was passing by Via's room and heard her crying, no one could get her to go back to sleep. Eu I was scared to death, but I held her in my arms for the first time. It was… indescribable. As if for the first time I had a purpose. Suddenly, despite everything, the best thing in my life happened. That day, I think she kind of saved my life.”
“And yet, have you ever imagined a life without her?”
“On my worst days, yes. As I said, every situation is unique. I'm not here to convince you of anything. It was like that for me, I can't guarantee how it will be for you.”
“And how to deal with everything, before it’s worth it?”
Stolas let out a nasal laugh.
“Don’t follow my example on this, dear. I handled it all very poorly. I spent days at a time without even getting out of bed, waiting for it to swallow me up at some point. Others, I drank until I couldn't remember how many days had passed. I had become a real ghost in that palace. You know, I've always been a very lonely person. I think one of the main reasons I'm here is so you don't feel that way. You have a lot of people who love you, Millie. No one can take away any of these doubts, these fears, from you. But don't try to go through this alone, no matter how strong you are.”
“I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me,” he revealed. “I also don't want anyone to feel happy about something that I don't know if I feel happy about yet. But I also don't want anyone to feel hurt or sad about something that is my problem. But at the same time, I feel selfish for thinking that this is just my problem.”
Again, Stolas just hugged Millie from the side so she could continue crying, while agreeing with everything she said.
“I wanted to be a normal mother, who feels complete and happy the moment she finds out she is going to have a child. At the same time, I wish I was decisive enough to know that I didn't want a child before everything snowballed…”
Millie continued talking about all her fears and uncertainties. How scared she was. Everything. Until her speech turned into grunts amidst her tears. Even so, she didn't stop revealing all the things that until then had seemed awful to say aloud, that were in her heart. Stolas remained silent. I just agreed, consoled her when she started saying she was a terrible person for some reason.
In the end, he was right. They didn't need to talk. She needed to talk to him.
It wasn't about advice, making decisions or anything like that.
It was just about feeling safe to get it all out. He wasn't giving her advice. He wasn't trying to give her direction. He was just listening without judgment.
She really needed to release everything that was in her heart.
“I think this is the hardest situation I've ever been in.”
Stolas gave her the tightest hug she'd ever felt.
“Thank you.”
“If I can help you, you can count on me. And I don’t think it’s just me, actually. Everyone down there loves you very much.” He said.
“I'm afraid no one will understand…”
Stolas nodded.
“Where would you go? If Via hadn't been born?”
““Nowhere,” he said simply, without explaining himself. And he didn’t need to; that was enough.
“Am I a bad person?”
“Obviously not.”
“I think that was the main thing I needed to hear.”
“You’re just a normal person, Millie.”
“I still feel scared.”
“I know.”
“And I still don’t know what to do.”
“I imagine.”
"But I think I feel less... bad."
"I'm glad to hear that. As I've said a few times, neither of your options are wrong, and you won't be alone regardless.”
“Thank you, Stolas. Maybe you're not just a clueless useless person after all, like I said."
"You never said that."
“But I thought,” she chuckled, “but don’t take it personally, you know… hormones.”
Stolas laughed out loud.
“I think I'm getting the hang of it.”
Even though they seemed to be at the end of their conversation, Millie's eyes filled with tears again. Stolas simply returned to the initial hugging position. Nothing needed to be said, and Millie felt so grateful to feel understood.