Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Charlie was the King of having shit days.

It was a self fulfilling prophecy at this point. He would wake up in the morning with only four hours under the hood and immediately think ‘yeah, today’s going to be shit’. And he would always be right, even if most people saw his day as perfectly normal.

The trash guy was fifteen minutes late? Day ruined.

The coffee pot at work was cold by the time he got there? Everything sucked.

Charlie stayed up till 5 am playing COD and smoking weed? Not his fault, but it still fucked everything up.

Only, today there were no hiccups. Charlie was tired, yeah. He was always tired, but it didn’t bother him as badly.

Charlie ran a comb through his long blond hair. It didn’t catch on any tangles.

There was no traffic. The radio played good music for once.

Charlie strutted through the door of the yellow smiley face office like a new man.

“The fuck is wrong with you?”

Charlie turned to the tall man sipping steaming coffee out of his mug. He wore a large scowl that Charlie had grown accustomed to after Al these months.

“I’m having a good day for once.” Charlie made his way over to the pot, nudging Allan out of the way. “And don’t fuck it up.”

Allan’s scowl deepened. “Why would I fuck it up?”

“I uh..” Charlie tapped the side of his mug. “I don’t know, man.”

Allan took another sip of his coffee. “You know, saying you're having a good day out loud is jinxing it.”

“See that’s what I mean right there.” Charlie grumbled. “You could have said nothing, but you decided to ruin it.”

“The fuck you mean I decided to ruin it?” Allan shot back.

The two men began to argue back and forth until Mr. Boss suddenly stepped between them.

“Boys! You know how much I hate seeing you two fight.”

The two employees murmured their apologies.

Mr. Boss raised an eyebrow. “What was that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Sorry.” Allan and Charlie both said.

“Oh, I don’t know why you’re apologizing to me!” Mr. Boss put his hands under his large chin. “Come on you two.”

Charlie and Allan faced each other, not making eye contact. “Sorry.”

“Perfect!” Mr. Boss clapped his hands. “Now that that’s settled, I have a client. Charlie, you’re up!”

Fuck. Now the day’s ruined.

The client today wasn’t too difficult. Some loser kid wanted to get back with his girlfriend or something. Charlie liked to think he showed the kid a thing or two (he wasn’t even sure if that was a kid. The guy looked like her was in his 30s).

Charlie locked the front doors of the large smiling face. Snow began to fall, making Charlie wrap his arms tighter around him.

He dragged his feet down the sidewalk. Streetlights illuminated Charlie’s icy breath against the forever black sky, a sky with a small dot.

But Charlie didn’t look up at the sky. He kept his eyes on his feet, thinking of whether to get high tonight or save it for the weekend.

He made his way through a small square park. It was a short cut, better through it than walking a block around it. He stopped, pulling his phone out. A message on the screen popped up, sent by Zoey.

Charlie stared at his screen. His thumb moved, gliding just over the glass as his mind raced to come up with a plan, an idea, something.

But Charlie wasn’t good at ‘something’s’. He closed his phone, slipping it back into his pocket.

Yeah, he will get high tonight.

Charlie took a single step forward when something crashed down behind him.

The impact knocked Charlie down, ears ringing as the ground shook under him. His hands were cut up, bits of rock and dirt peaking out of bloody scratches.

Charlie heaved, flipping himself onto his back. The sky was bright, bathed in a yellow glow.

He lifted his head to see a large spacecraft. The body was a dark black. It had a dome of yellow glass, with two mini black domes extending out of the main one.

Holy shit that’s a UFO.

The craft hissed as a piece of metal unhinged itself, swinging open. In the opening stood a creature. Its features were hidden by the bright light that escaped the craft.

The creature cocked its head, clearly looking at Charlie. Charlie’s heart pounded, breath hitching and choking in his throat.

The creature stepped towards Charlie. Charlie crawled backwards, ignoring the stabbing pain in his hands. God Allan was right. Stupid fucking Allan!

Charlie’s back slammed against a tree. He froze, watching the creature walk towards him. This was how he was going to die.

“Oh Heavenly Father! Please if you can hear me, make this quick and painless. Please God. Plea-“

Click!

Charlie blinked as a flash of light hit his face. A device in the creature's hand whirled as a small piece of paper slid out of the side. The creature fanned it, like it was a Polaroid.

“Wow,” The creature said with awe. He took another step forward, now making himself visible to Charlie. The small Pink alien turned the paper around to show Charlie, looking terrified and on the brink of passing out. “My first human!”

Chapter Text

“Pim Pimling reporting in, your highness!”

Pim gave an enthusiastic salute, beaming up at the green throne. The court giggled quietly, hands pressed over mouths. Did Pim mess up already? He needed to keep smiling.

The figure on the throne lifted his chin. “Hello. You're the human fellow? Hello?”

Pim nodded. “I am! I’ve been studying the plant ‘Earth’ as they call it for years now. The beings there are so interesting. Did you know that humans have tails in the womb but they los-“

The Emperor closed his fist, calling for Pim to silence.

“Do you know why I summoned you here, hello?”

Pim picked at his suit absentmindedly. It was too tight on him, maybe that’s why his abdomen felt so heavy. “I assume it’s because of my knowledge of Earth.”

The Emperor hummed. “Precisely. You see, hello, we intend to have planet Eonvage or ‘Earth’ join our colony.”

Pim lit up. “Earth is going to join the colony!? Oh this is wonderful! Think of all the knowledge we could learn from each other an-“

The Emperor growled, green lips snarling down at Pim. Pins blood went cold.

“Yes, we believe Eonvage is ready to join the colony, but we have to be sure. That’s where you come in, hello. You will go down to Eonvage and make sure the planet is suitable.”

Pim could jump for joy. He didn’t, he wish he could. “Thank you, my Emperor. I will not let you down.” Pim gave another salute.

“I’m sure you won’t.”

—————————————————————————————————————

Okay… Pim may have crashed his ship… BUT, he was now standing face to face with a real human!

This one had strange long, yellow nerve endings. Pim had never seen nerve endings that long before, he wondered if they ever got caught on the human’s outfit. Speaking of its outfit, the human wore very loose attire in an awfully bright color.

The human looked terrified. Not what Pim was expecting. He was expecting frivolity and glee from the humans.

Pim cleared his throat. “Hello… I am Pim.” He said, praying that his English was correct.

The human blinked at him. “Yo… you- you… wha… speak?”

“Am I not speaking correctly?”

The human shook his head. “N-no. How… how can you speak English?”

“Oh, I studied all human languages! It wasn't the easiest part of learning about humans, but I had fun with the challenge.”

“You studied humans.” The human slumped back against the wooden thing. “Oh God I’m going to get probed.”

Pim cocked his head. “Proded.” He said slowly, letting each syllable linger on his tongue. “I have never heard this word before. What does it mean?”

“Not- better you not learn.”

“Oh but I must!” Pim exclaimed. “I was sent here to gather as much information as I can! Please, you must teach me!”

The human squinted his eyes making little lines form at their corners. “Look man, I-“

There was a high pitched noise. Lights flashed from behind a building, moving towards the two.

“Shit, the cops.”

“The what?”

The human stood, stumbling a bit. “Look man, if you want to live, you have to get out of here.”

Pim’s heart sank. “But I have to stay. It’s not like I can leave. My ship is broken.” Pim gestured towards the pile of metal and glass.

The human rubbed a hand over its eyes. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Doing wha-“

The human grabbed Pim by the wrist, pulling him up and securing him under his arm before he began to run from the crash.

Chapter Text

Charlie could be such a fucking idiot sometimes.

He sat in a swivel chair (he only had two chairs and this one was the most comfortable) and watched the little pink alien poke around his one bedroom apartment.

The alien didn’t seem that dangerous. It was kind of endearing seeing him gawk over every day items.

But Charlie didn’t save him to be cute. He saved him to get a shit load of money.

Charlie hit the record button on his phone, placing it in his lap at an angle that looked inconspicuous but still showed the little critter.

“So, what’s your name?”

The alien turned his attention away from the refrigerator. “My name is Pim!”

What an odd name. “And why did you come here Pim?”

“You're forgetting something.” Pim said. He stared at Charlie, waiting for an answer.

“What do you mean forgetting?”

“Well, from what I’ve read, a typical human introduction starts with person A asking Person B their name.” Pim pointed at Charlie then at himself. “Person B will state his name, then person A will do the same.”

Charlie processed that. “I uh, I’m Charlie!”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Charlie!” The alien beamed. Charlie had never seen anyone be this enthusiastic over an introduction.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Pim.” Charlie rubbed the back of his neck. “Now, can you tell me why yo-“

“Oh yes!” The hair on Pim's head straightened a bit, like a dog's tail. “I’m here because this planet is set to join the Colony.”

“And what’s the colony?”

“Oh it’s…” Pim tapped his chin. “It’s hard to explain in human terms. It’s kinda like… what are those little red creatures with the teeth things?”

“Ants?”

Pim snapped his fingers. “Ants! Yes, like ants!”

“So it’s like a big community of planets.” Charlie focused the camera more. This could be gold.

“Precisely!”

“Perfect.” Charlie muttered to himself, turning off the recording. He didn’t want Pim to be suspicious of Charlie grilling him for info. So, slow and steady it was.

“Welp, I’m going to sleep. The couch is stiff, but I gave you a blanket so I think you’ll be okay.” Charlie made his way over to his room.

“What will we do tomorrow?”

Tomorrow? “Well, I have work tomorrow so… shit I guess you’ll stay here.”

Pim frowned. “I can’t stay here. I need to see your world. Oh! What if I went to your occupation with you!”

“Ha. Sorry dude, but I think people would freak out if they saw you. You don’t exactly fit in.”

“Oh, I can fit in!” Pim rummaged through his pockets before bringing out a small green tube with a glass bulb at the end.

“I don’t know what that think is but I don’t thi- Wait what are yo-“

Pim grabbed Charlie’s forearm and jabbed it with the tube. Red blood filled the bulb at the top.

“DUDE!” Charlie yelped. The tube had left a ring shaped hole in his arm. “THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!?”

Pim pulled back his sleeve before stabbing himself with the tube. The liquid drained from the bulb.

“I have human DNA now.”

Charlie was baffled. “You didn’t need to fuckin STAB me for DNA! What do you need with my DNA anyways?”

Pim's body began to squirm, then it morphed. It was like watching claymation, the body stretched and twisted until standing in the room with Charlie was a man with strawberry blond hair and uncanny black eyes.

“Now can I go to work with you?”

Chapter Text

The building Charlie’s craft pulled up to was shaped like Pim's own craft. It was yellow with black eyes and a black slit that curved like a stretched half moon.

Charlie stepped out of the craft. Pim followed. The man eyed Pim with something like caution, a look he had been hit with since this morning. Did Pim do something wrong? Maybe the humans don’t like it when other creatures steal their DNA. What a funny thought.

Charlie opened a door underneath the black slit, revealing a medium sized room with an half circle desk at the front. On the walls were pictures of various humans, each with a smile on their face.

Pim pulled out his phorotar and snapped some shots of the interior.

“What even is that thing?” Charlie asked.

“It’s a phorotar!” Pim handed the human his device. “I can take shots of the planet for the colony.”

Charlie turned the device over in his hands. “So like a camera?”

Pim vaguely remembered the word ‘camera’ in one of his books, but he couldn’t quite remember the meaning of the word. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Charlie fiddled with it a bit more, before handing the phorotar back to Pim. “Okay dude, when we go to the back, please do not take any photos of anything. Us humans don’t like to be photographed without our permission.”

Pim nodded, putting the phorotar in his pants pocket. The clothes Charlie had given him were loose on Pim, but it was better than the tight uniforms.

Charlie put his hand on the door next to the desk. “Hold on.” He faced Pim. “I’ll do the talking. If anyone asks, you’re an old friend from Nebraska on a business trip.”

“Gotcha!” Pim grinned. “By the way, what do you do for your occupation anyway?”

“Oh shit yeah.” Charlie chuckled to himself. “My job is to make people smile. So i get a call that someone’s sad and I go cheer them up.”

“You must be really good at it!”

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck, not really looking at Pim. “Yeah, whatever. Just, don’t say some weird shit okay?” He said as he pushed the door open to show a small room with a table, countertops, and some strange tech Pim had never seen before. A large silver box with a handle was crammed against a wall. A small monitor loomed precariously from the ceiling. Smaller gadgets were strewn on a counter top, including one being used by a new human.

The new human looked up from his cup, eyes narrowing at Pim. “Who’s this-uh?”

“Allan, this is Pim. He’s a childhood friend from Nebraska.” Charlie pulled out a chair and sat down. “Pim, meet Allan.”

Pim reached out his hand for the human to shake, but was met with a grimace. “Didn’t realize it was take your friend to work day.” The man murmured.

“Oh yeah. We didn’t tell you cause we didn’t want you to feel left out.” Charlie smirked, eyes on his rectangle monitor.

Allan tisked, taking another sip from his mug. He turned, grabbing something from a cupboard, revealing red nerve endings bound together by a band.

“Oh my Emperor!” Pim cried. “Why would you do that to your nerve endings?”

The humans gave Pim a confused look. “What are you talking about?” Allan furrowed his brows.

Pim stuttered, puzzled why they were so confused. “They’re bound! You have a band around them. It has to be damaging the nerves!” Pim pointed at Allan’s head, hoping he would get the picture.

“… my hair?” Allan touched it. “It’s up in a bun. Are you saying my hair looks damaged?”

Pim moved to speak, but Charlie put a hand over his mouth. “Haha. Just an inside joke we used to have. Pim, you're such a kidder.” Charlie gave him a look that screamed ‘stop talking dammit’.

Pim nodded, forcing a weak smile to hide his horror. Allan just looked at him.

A new human burst into the room. He was imposing, with an aura that screamed chaos. “Good news, Charlie! I got a call from a local investigator. They want you to come make them smile! Oh, who’s this?” The man turned his attention to Pim.

“I’m Pim.” Pim offered a hand to shake. The man took it, squeezing so hard Pim swore he could feel bones crack.

“Well Pim, you can call me Mr. Boss. Easier to remember than my actual name.”

“Uh Mr. Boss sir,” Charlie interjected. “Is it okay if I take Pim with me on this job? I promised I would show him around Philly.”

Mr. Boss rubbed his chin. “I don’t see why not.” He then grabbed the two by their shoulders, face inches away from theirs. “Just don’t get into any trouble, okay?”

Pim sweat nervously, but Charlie only laughed. “Will do Boss!”

“Perfect!” The boss clapped his hands. “Be safe boys!”

“We will.” Charlie yelled over his shoulder, closing the door the the small room behind them. “God Mr Boss is funny, man.”

Pim clenched his teeth. “He he. He sure is”

Chapter Text

The door clicked behind the two men, leaving Allan and Mr. Boss in the break room. Mr. Boss clicked his teeth, tapping his foot and reading his watch like he was in an awkward conversation.

“Oh look at the time!” Mr. Boss flashed his wrist watch towards Allan, way too fast for him to read it. “I have taxes to file!”

“I file the taxes, Mr. Boss.”

The Boss chuckled nervously. “Well, fuck…. See you around, man!” He said as he zipped down the hallway towards his office.

Now Allan was alone.

Fucking finally.

Allan pulled out a chair and leaned back in it, resting his feet on the table. This is what he loved most about working at Smiling Friends: doing nothing at all. He took another sip of his coffee, pulling up YouTube on his phone and tapping on a video titled ‘Top 15 shoes laying around my house’.

This was the life. Other people may call it unfulfilling or lazy work, but Allan didn’t give a shit. He had money, an apartment, a scooter, and all he did was copy and paste the same email over and over, only changing the name.

Tap tap tap.

Allan paused his video. He glanced around the room, praying that it wasn’t another rat. There was no one else besides him.

Then he heard scuttling again, closer to him. Allan put his feet back on the floor, making to stand.

Something sharp pierced his ankle.

“SON OF A BITCH!” He cried, hobbling to grab his leg. A small round circle oozed blood, the middle still intact.

“Fuck!” He muttered, getting down on his hands and knees to peer under the table. He really didn’t want to get another rabies shot. There seemed to be nothing under the table.

Allan sat up on his knees, itching the back of his head. What animal could have left a mark that perfectly symmetrical?

Knock knock.

Allan’s heart jumped at the sight of a man standing in the doorway. He didn’t hear anyone come in. Maybe he just missed it?

The man stepped into the room. He was short, with a tall purple hat that was half his size. He wore some sort of green spandex suit with purple cuffs. His dark skin was smooth, cut fresh. If Allan squinted a little, the man looked like a teenager.

“Can I help you?” Allan stood, facing the strange man.

The man only blinked, one eye at a time. Allan’s skin crawled. Something about this man was incredibly uncanny.

“Look man, you really shouldn’t be in here. If you need to smile, leave your name and number in the jar at the front desk-uh.”

The man stepped forward, craning his neck to keep eye contact with Allan. “Pim.”

The hell? “You’re looking for Charlie’s friend?”

The man was expressionless. He simply nodded.

“Well, I’m not sure where they went, but they should be back by this afternoon.”

That was all the man needed. He hummed, before planting himself in the musty beanbag chair in the corner and taking out an iPad or something.

“You can’t just stay here man!”

The man gave Allan a look before giving him a middle finger.

Now Allan’s day was ruined.