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Chapter Text

Dearest Reader…The words were all she had written so far as she stared out her window into the darkness, the candle next to her almost completely burned out, her quill in between her teeth as she sighed.

Something was amiss.

Something had felt amiss for days and yet she did not know what it was.

There had been no grand discovery, her secret identity had not been discovered and yet she could not shake the feeling with everything in her bones that something was not right.

Perhaps it was simply her intuition, honed over the years of writing as Lady Whisteldown, or perhaps it was simply her tendency towards the dramatics as her Momma liked to remind her so very often.

She sighed again, then grimaced as she glanced down and noticed ink spots all over her fresh parchment.

She placed her quill into its pot carefully and stood. Perhaps she simply needed rest.

Yes, that was it.

She could work on the latest column before the ball tomorrow evening, there was still plenty of time.

A flicker of light caught her eye out the window as she stood, and she leaned forward slightly, squinting into the darkness.

What was happening?

Her heart began to race as more lanterns appeared and she could see clearly across the square, two horses had been saddled and ready to ride in front of Bridgerton house.

Before she could even begin to wonder, the doors of Bridgerton House flung open and two figures practically ran down the steps, small bags across their backs, as they quickly mounted the waiting horses.

They paused for a moment and Penelope noticed for the first time…

Lady Bridgerton in the doorway, a white night robe around her shoulders , her long hair down in a plait.

Penelope stopped for a moment to consider how in all the years she had known the Bridgerton family, she had never once seen Lady Bridgerton in such a state. Even after the death of her beloved husband the Viscount.

Her eyes opened wide as she watched the two men turn, kicking their heels into the horses flanks gently and rode off into the night.

Lady Bridgerton remained motionless, watching in the darkness after the riders.

Her eyes glanced up, and Penelope almost jumped back, afraid to have been caught watching but something inside her told her to not.

She raised her hand slightly, in a small wave and Violet's face crumpled. Even though from the distance, Penelope could not see her face clearly, she knew she was crying.

Lady Bridgeton took her hands from her chest and held them up towards Penelope’s window as if to beckon her.

Without a single thought, Penelope turned and sprinted through her quiet house, down the servants steps and out the garden, barely feeling the chill of the night air nip on her bare feet as she hastily climbed the steps of Bridgerton House where Lady Bridgerton collapsed into her arms.

London
Three months later.

“ I am sorry, Penelope.” Anthony Bridgerton said with a grim face, shaking his head slightly. “ He is still refusing to see anyone. Not even mother.”

Penelope nodded and turned quietly, her shoulders sagging with disappointment that once again, Colin refused to see her.

She shouldn’t take in personally.

Really she shouldn’t.

He had refused to see anyone after he had woken.

Refused to let anyone but the Dr and his footman into his bedchambers.

Locked himself away like some sort of madman.

Penelope ached.

Oh how Penelope ached.

She ached knowing he was simply down the hall, breathing in the same air she was, and yet in all the years and miles between them during his travels, he had never felt further away from her then he did now.

And on top of the silence, the refusal to see anyone… unlike when he traveled, this time, there were no letters.

No pages of beautifully written moments, describing the color of the ocean or the feel of the sun on his face in Greece.

There was nothing.

It was as if the Colin she had always known…

The Colin she had always loved…

Like for the short while, they thought he was gone.

The night she had found Violet sobbing into her arms, they had received a letter from his footman.

Colin, ever the adventurer, had been learning how to be a sailor and had fallen from the highest of masts.

Penelope had felt as if she herself had died.

It couldn’t be true.

Colin would wake up.

He had too.

There would be, could be no world in which she could be without Colin’s Bridgerton's cheeky grin.

Without his laugh as he whirled her around the dance floor, his cheeks flushed with exertion.

No world in which Pen existed and he did not.

And then, he came home.

Insisting on arriving in the darkness of night, he had been carried to his room, where he had been ever since.

A small cough interrupted her thoughts and she jumped slightly as she noticed Colin’s footman, now his own private butler, standing surprisingly close for someone of his station and hers.

“ Oh.” She stuttered slightly. “ I am sorry Dunwoody, I was deep in my thoughts.”

Dunwoody nodded, his face tight and pulled. Penelope wondered if the strain of being Colin’s sole caretaker had caused him to age faster. He appeared to have aged at least five years in the last two months.

“ I am sorry Miss Penelope.” He said quietly, his eyes darting down the hall, towards Colin’s door as if he expected Colin himself to come out any moment and scold him.

“ But I must speak with you about Mr Bridgerton.”

Penelope’s eyes widened. Surely Violet or even the Viscount would be better?

“ It has to be you, Miss.” Dunwoody said, as if he could somehow read her very thoughts.

Penelope nodded and swallowed.

“What is it?”

“It’s Colin, Miss. He is only getting worse. I am worried, the longer he shuts himself out, he may never recover.”

Penelope felt her face pale.

Oh Colin.

Damn that stubborn man.

“ What can I do?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper. “ Would you like me to speak to Lady Bridgerton? She could fetch the Dr again?”

Dundwoody shifted nervously, his hands gripping unknowingly at his side.

“ I am afraid they can not do what you can, Miss.” He finally admitted, staring at her intently as if he could pass his meaning to her with only his eyes.

Penelope blinked.

Her?

What could she do for Colin that his Mother and the Viscount could not?

They had already called for England's best Doctors.

Confusion showed in her eyes, and despite his nervousness, Dunwoody stepped slightly closer to her.

“He calls for you Miss. In his sleep.”

Penelope gasped slightly, her hand coming to cover her mouth.

How.

What?

Colin called for her?

For her?

Dunwoody continued, his voice low as he saw her shocked expression.

“It’s true Miss, I would never have cause to tell you a falsehood. Since the first week
of the accident. He calls for you in his sleep. Screams for you even.”

A single tear fell unbidden down Penelope face as she shook her head in disagreement.

“ You must be mistaken.” She almost whispered. “ He will not even see me.”

Dunwoody nodded. His face grew softer slightly.

“Aye Miss, he will not. And yet I watch him grow darker each day he denies you. He thinks he is doing to protect you…to protect all of you.”

Penelope blinked.

Protect them?

Protect them from what?

All they wanted was to be close to him once more.

To hear his laugh.

To feel his presence.

To love him.

Even if she could never utter the words to his face, surely she could show him. She could help him, read to him, anything,

She would do anything,

“Thank you Dunwoody.” She said, suddenly feeling determined. She did not know what she was going to do, but for the first time since the fall, she had hope that maybe she could do something.

“ I will try to think of something.” She added.

Dunwoody stepped back, a quick look of relief washing over his face.

“ Aye, Miss.” He nodded. “ I knew you would."

Penelope turned, her mind already racing with ideas.

Somehow she would make Colin see her.

She paused as Dunwoody called out softly towards her.

“He misses you too Miss. I know he does.”

London three days later

It had not been hard to convince Lady Bridgerton that perhaps a change of scenery was what Colin needed.

The fresh air and privacy of Aubrey Hall.

In fact she had clasped her hands in excitement and then pulled Penelope into her chest.

“ You, my darling girl, are simply brilliant. Why I did not think of such a thing myself I will never know! I will call Anthony and prepare for the journey immediately.”

Penelope smiled as she could feel Violet's hope and excitement.

“Please write to me.” She pleaded, pulling back slightly to look into Violet's eyes. “ And let me know the instant there are any changes.”

Violet frowned for a moment.

“Darling, you are coming with us! You simply must. There is no one who cares for Colin as you do. “ She added softly with a knowing look in her eyes and Penelope blushed ever so slightly.

“ I know my son cares for you, Penelope. We need you… he needs you, beside us at Aubrey Hall if you will consider joining us?”

Penelope nodded, feeling her heart lighten at the idea. She had dreaded not making the daily walk across the square. The daily knock on the door,

The daily shuffling and then the quiet as Dunwoody would open the door and once more shake his head in a no.

Even then.

After every shut door

Every rejection

She felt close to him.

He was there.

He was alive.

He was there.

“ Of course, I will go.” She whispered and Violet breathed a sigh of relief as she reached out for Penelope’s hand.

“ Come darling, we will go visit your Momma together and I will request her permission for you to join us indefinitely at Aubrey Hall. I am sure she will understand how much Eloise needs your support during these hard times.” She added with a small wink, and Penelope giggled, suddenly feeling for the first time in months, that everything was going to be alrite.

******

Colin watched, as he did every day, hidden in the shadow of the curtain, for Penelope to make her way back across the square.

He lived for the few moments of the day he got to see her.

To see even from afar the softness of her skin against her copper curls.

He hated himself as he watched her each day, approaching with a lilt of hope in her step, only to return later, a disappointed sag in her shoulders.

She was too good.

He couldn’t hurt her more.

She didn’t deserve to see him like this.

A fucking worthless use of a man.

Her voice each day, as she called his name through the door, felt like a pain worse than anything he had endured during the fall.

He would sit in silence, tears running down his face as Dunwoody would look towards him, hopeful but each day Colin would shake his head.

He could not see her.

He could not.

Could not take the pain of knowing he could never have her.

That he could never be the man she needed.

The one he had dreamed to be so long.

Such a wicked twist of fate that he had been on his way home to tell her.

He had felt on top of the world.

He could do anything couldn’t be?

He loved Penelope Featherington and he was going to court her and marry her and watch her be the mother of their ten beautiful red head children.

One moment he was laughing as he climbed, blinking at the color red of the sun against the horizon and the next.

The next…everything was changed.

Everything was gone.

He had left her, a foolish stupid boy and returned home

A broken stupid man.

Neither version of him deserved her.

She deserved more.

Dunwood cleared his throat behind him as he leaned forward clumsily , his breath hitching slightly in anticipation.

There she was.

His Pen.

This time however she was not alone.

She was hand in hand with his mother.

The women appeared to be…almost happy?

His heart ached once more.

Maybe she was forgetting about him.

Good.

That was good.

A tear fell down his cheek and he reached up to pull the curtain closed.

“ She is moving on.” He said quietly,

Dunwoody shifted behind him, a strange tilt in his voice.

“ I would not be so quick to think such a thing, Sir. “ He said and for a moment Colin wondered if Dunwoody was angry with him.

“ She is a very persistent young lady.” He added.

Colin’s heart tightened.

Of course she was.

She always had been, hadn't she?

Since the day they had met.

Strong, persistent, kind.

That was just his Pen.

Only she wasn’t his was she? And she never would be.

He felt the darkness begin to overtake him and he grumbled roughly.

“ Please take me to bed, Dunwoody, my legs have begun to ache.”

Dunwoody did not respond but with practiced ease, he was beside Colin in a moment, scooping him into his arms, as he turned and carefully placed him on the bed shifting his legs gently to follow.

Colin stared down at his body.

Stupid fucking legs.

He hated them.

Hated that they would no longer move on their own.

Hated that they had stolen from him the only thing he truly ever wanted in life just as he had discovered what it was.

He closed his eyes and cried.

Cried for Pen.

And he cried for his legs that would never walk again.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

Penelope closed her eyes as she breathed in the fresh air.

The birds around her chirped like usual, completely unaware of the turmoil inside her mind.

They had already been at Aubrey Hall for a Fortnite, and yet nothing had changed.

Colin would still not see her.

He still locked himself in his room.

His change of scenery was simply his bedchamber from Bridgerton House to his bedchamber at Aubrey Hall.

While outwardly, Penelope remained hopeful, she had to for Violet's sake, inside, she felt herself beginning to feel angry.

She didn’t know what to do with the emotion.

Not that she had never been angry before, she was after all, a girl and a daughter of Portia Featherington.

But the emotion associated with Colin was something completely new.

Even as a child she could find no fault in him.

Even when he teased or provoked her, she could never be angry with him.

She loved him.

She loved him and was angry with him.

How dare he?

To scare them all into thinking he had died?

To cause them so much grief and pain and then to deny them his presence.

How dare he turn her away day after day.

How dare he?

She stood, her fists clenching at her side, barely noticing the sun was already setting as she hurried through the gardens and into the house.

She would not allow this any longer.

She could not.

Tonight she would make Colin see her.

She would yell at him.

She was, after all, so very angry.

Violet glanced up at her as she entered the parlor,

Eloise, was spread out by the fireplace, her nose entirely close to a book to notice the unusual expression on her friends face.

“ Are you well, Penelope?” Violet asked, her fingers never stopping their nimble movements as the needle worked up and down over her embroidery.

Penelope coughed slightly. “ Yes…well I am afraid I am rather tired tonight. I think I shall retire early.”

Violet smiled at her softly.

“Of course, Dearest. Please send for me if you need anything at all. “

Penelope nodded, her heart beinging to pound as she turned, not even hearing Eloise call out “ Goodnight Pen!” after her.

Tonight was the night it ended.

She was going to see Colin.

No matter what he said.

She practically ran down the hall towards her bed chamber, closing the door behind her as she caught her breath.

Should she go now?

No, surely it would be better if she waited until he had sent Dunwoody away for the night.

Although Dunwoody was just a bell away, surely, he would not kick her out if he were to discover her, would he?

He couldn’t be as cruel as that.

She steadied herself and began to get ready for bed.

It would be best if Lady Bridgerton were to send someone to check on her, if everything appeared as it should be.

She pulled the pins from her hair as she pictured the last time she had seen Colin’s face.

He had been across the square, fixing the saddle on his horse.

She had called out to him and he had looked up and and her an earth blinding smile.

The most beautiful smile in the world,

Had it really been almost a year since she had seen it?

Seen him?

Been close to him?

She could not bear it any longer.

Her anger started to grow once more.

How could he?

Even if he did not know of her love, she was his friend was she not?

He has said he cared for her.

Was this how he showed care to his friends?

To his family?

She peered out the window, the sky had finally turned fully dark.

She placed her pillows under the blankets and blew out the candle next to her bed.

Years of sneaking out to deliver her Whistledown column had prepared her for this moment.

She stood for a moment by the door, her ear pressed against it, listening for any sound or movement in the hall.

When she was content that she could only hear the silence of the house she made her swiftly towards the desk, pushed it aside and lifted the large tapestry on the wall to reveal a small door.

She grinned as she opened it, pulling the desk back into place, before dropping the tapestry and closing the door behind her.

She felt around the floor untill her fingers grasped the candle and matches she knew she would find.

The same ones that had been there when Colin showed her the secret servants tunnels years ago.

“ Come on, Pen. “ He had said with a grin as he led her through the old unused tunnels. “Let’s pretend we are pirates exploring a cave!”

She giggled. She didn’t care what they did. She was just happy to be with Colin.

She struck the match against the side of the candle and grinned as the tunnels came into view.

The felt much smaller and less scary then they had as a child. But she still felt acutely the fact that she was now alone.

Colin.

She had to get to Colin.

She tiptoed quietly through the tunnels, counting in her head, the way they had practiced,

Up two stairs, left, one door, two doors, and there.

The third door.

The door to Colin’s bedchamber.

She hoped he had not blocked it off and that it had remained the same as it had been before.

Covered the same as her bedchamber with a tapestry on the wall.

Her heart began to race as she blew out the candle and gently placed it on the floor next to her, once more placing her ear against the small but heavy door.

There was nothing.

Silence.

He must be asleep.

She opened the door slowly, the low light of a flickering candle, seeping under the edges of a large tapestry.

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He had not blocked the door.

She took a deep breath, and pushed the tapestry away.

There was nothing in front of it, unlike the desk in her bedchambers it moved freely and soon she stepped quietly, her heart beating out of her chest, into Colin’s bedchamber.

She felt his presence immediately.

The essence of him.

His smell.

Leather.

The ocean.

Her eyes darted across the room and her breath caught in her throat.

Colin was asleep in the bed.

He was facing her, his eyes closed, his hair longer and wilder than she had ever seen, it was almost as long as Eloise’s.

She wanted to throw herself into his arms.

To hold him.

To kiss his cheek and beg him to never push her away again.

But she couldn’t move.

She couldn’t only stare at the man she loved.

Finally before her.

And yet he was totally different then any Colin she had ever seen.

His face was gaunt and where he had once been tan and glistening from the sun, he was pale with dark deep circles under his eyes.

She could see that even in sleep, he was not at peace.

“Oh, Colin.” She gasped as she moved quickly to the side of his bed and fell to her knees.

Her fingertips clawed into her hands as she held herself back from reaching out and brushing the long curls away from his face.

Held herself back from touching the familiar scar on his chin that was now covered with a large burly beard.

Held herself from reaching her lips up and pressing them against his.

Colin. She wanted to cry out.

Colin, I'm here and I love you.

He did not stir and she peeled her eyes away from his face to look around the room, her eyes widening when she saw a small bowl with white round tablets next to the bed.

A note written in script,

“Two as needed for sleep.”

The Doctor must have given him something to help sleep.

She could not help but remember what Dunwoody had told her.

Did he still call for her in his dreams?

What was he dreaming of?

Did he miss her as much as she missed him?

There could be no way, or he would not deny her.

He would not keep pushing her away.

Stubborn beautiful man.

She stood carefully, fighting once more the urge to reach out and tuck the covers on his shoulders.

She glanced around the room once more.

It was in a frightful state.

There were books and papers everywhere, one could barely move with the amount of things strewn around the floor.

She moved methodically, hands reaching to pick up clothes and books and teacups as she worked her way through the room. A path emerged behind her, as she gathered.

She jumped as her foot was stuck with a small prick of pain and she looked down.

She had stepped on a small piece of a broken teacup.

“Ouch.” She hissed. Growing more annoyed at Colin as she went. This dratted man. Was he simply throwing things to the floor? What had come over him?

She bent down slowly, and begin to carefully pick up the small pieces of glass.

A noice from the bed made her glance up quickly and her face went pale.

Across the room, , half hidden in the shadows and curtains was a chair.

Not just a chair, a chair with wheels.

Like the one Lord Remington had.

The glass clattered back to the floor as she stood abruptly, her hand flying to her mouth to keep from crying out.

Why was there a wheeled chair?

In Colin’s room?

Why would Colin need a wheeled chair?

Her breath grew ragged as the conversations she had heard whispered between the Doctor and Lady Bridgerton echoed in her head.

“…may never recover. “

“Only time will tell.”

“Pity, such a young man.”

She could not help it then. As the realization hit her, she let out a low guttural cry, she felt as if her heart had been ripped from her chest.

Colin could not walk.

He could not walk.

He was here alone in this room

And he could not walk.

All this time.

He could not walk.

She cried out again then slapped a hand over her mouth as a noise from the bed reminded her of where she was.

She turned, tears pouring down her face and was met finally with the eyes she had longed to see for so long.

Colin was half propped up in the bed, his arms behind him holding him up as he stared at her, his eyes wild as he gasped.

“Pen?”