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“mind if i join you?” a voice asks, quiet and soft-spoken. nicole didn’t get why she was asking her to, it’s not like she owns this place. if she did, she’d be smoking everywhere.
“yeah, go ahead,” she replied, still having to remain professional, “i don’t mind-”
but then nicole saw who it was, and all of sudden, she did mind, she minded a lot.
the last time nicole saw jecka was the summer after high school, their last, fleeting moments of youth. they graduated and fucked around, doing anything and everything. whether it was hijacking some asshole’s car or manipulating some random guy for his weed, nicole and jecka were inseparable. they did everything together, and soon enough, they called it love.
the first time they kissed felt like magic, and nicole never got enough of it. she got high off it, addicted to jecka’s body and the warmth of her touch. they danced in the sheets together, exploring and experiencing new feelings together. it was heavenly and it was beautiful, and nicole had never known what true happiness was until that moment.
but of course, things didn’t last long. nothing good ever lasted long for her. the summer was coming to an end, and nicole didn’t care about where she was going. her mom made her go to some random community college, and she assumed jecka would follow. but she didn’t, and she never planned to. she had bigger dreams, a brighter future, and it didn’t include nicole.
they got into a huge fight, spewing shit at each other they might not have meant. nicole wasn’t sure if she did, but it didn’t matter when she already wounded jecka so horribly. they left her mouth and hung in the air far too long for her to take them back, and jecka didn’t stay around to take it. they broke up as did their hearts, and nicole never managed to move on.
she had to of course, she doesn’t have a choice. it was either that or kill herself from rotting in her bed. nicole went to college, did some more fucked up shit, fucked some more bitches, and graudate with nothing but an even bigger hole in her soul. she never properly let herself heal, and maybe she just wasn’t made for it. besides, it’s not like nicole wasn’t already used to it.
so after college, she got her own place and found a job at some random company, slaving away in a tiny cubicle that hurt her back to sit at. it’s not the life she’s dreamed of living, but nicole didn’t want to live to begin with. maybe if she had stayed with jecka, she might’ve actually wanted to stay alive. but right now, in this very moment, she wanted to die.
“jecka?” nicole gasped, almost dropping her cigarette. “wha- what are you doing here?”
“i work here now,” jecka replied, lighting up her own. “i started a few days ago.”
she stood so far away, too far away for comfort. the distance they’ve created will forever be irreversible regardless of whether they’re in different colleges or working at the same company.
“i haven’t seen you around though.” nicole looked away, acting as if she couldn’t care at all despite her initial reaction. but of course, she cared, she cared so, so, so much more than she ever wanted to, and she was sure jecka knew too. she’s always known her the best, whether it be her mind or her body. fuck, nicole can’t do this anymore.
“to be honest, i’ve been avoiding you,” jecka confessed, feigning indifference as well. but was that really how she was feeling? nicole needed to know, she just had to. “i didn’t want what happened to us to affect our jobs, but i figured that we were bound to run into each other one day, so might as well do it when we’re not in the middle of some boring-ass meeting.”
nicole hummed in response, staring off at anything out there that wouldn’t pierce her heart the same way jecka did. the knife is still there and the wound is still fresh after all these years, and nicole wonders if she left a trail of blood that led jecka back to her. or maybe it’s just her natural instinct to hunt and prey off others. no, nicole shouldn’t think that, jecka’s not like that.’
she’s just bitter and petty, but above all, she misses her like crazy.
they continue to smoke in silence, the occasional gust of smoke clouding their vision. but despite all the smoking she’s doing, she can’t calm down for the life of her life. how could she possibly? out of nowhere, jecka’s back in her life, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. will it be love again, or will she finally learn her lesson?
“i’m sorry for what happened,” jecka said, breaking the silence. her voice was overwhelmingly soft, and nicole couldn’t handle it. “i didn’t mean for things to end that way.”
nicole didn’t respond, only glancing over at her. she didn’t know what to say, what even could she say? jecka noticed and sigh, gnawing at her lip like she was trying to eat her words.
“i wanted us to stay together,” jecka continued, “i really did. but we wanted different things, and i couldn’t drag you along for the sake of my future. i know you, nicole, i know how you think and act, and i know you wouldn’t have wanted the same things as i did.”
“...you’re right,” nicole spoke, her eyes finally meeting jecka’s. “i wouldn’t.”
crushing her cigarette, nicole faced jecka fully, forcing her to take in her sad, pathetic look. they’re only in their mid-twenties, but nicole’s never looked so tired. she needs jecka to see all of her, to see what she did, to feel guilty for everything, to love her still.
“but i wanted you,” nicole said, forcing back her tears, “i wanted you enough to go with you.”
nicole never thought that she would ever get the chance to say these things, but now that she was, she’s never felt so ashamed. how could she let herself be so desperate and vulnerable? god, she feels like a fucking loser. she shouldn’t waste her time on things she can’t control, but it was too late for that, and now, she can’t stop.
“of course i didn’t want to do all that bullshit college stuff you did, but if you had asked me, i would’ve. i would’ve tried more, i would’ve actually spent my time studying than fucking around. but you decided to make that decision yourself, and you left me,” nicole spat out like venom on her lips. her heart ached and her chest was burning, but the look in jecka’s eyes hurt way more.
“nicole…” was all she said, it was all she could say. what could jecka possibly say at a time like this, and why did her name have to sound so lovely in her mouth?
“no, fuck you, jecka,” nicole cursed. “fuck you a milllion times over again. i was willing to try, i was willing to do it for you if you had just fucking asked me.”
nicole wasn’t the kind of person to cry, and even now, she still wasn’t. but even so, nobody could mistake the sadness and anger that boiled in the depths of her existence, holding her hostage and keeping her from a future she could actually be happy in.
jecka shook her head and inched closer. “nicole, you don’t get it, i-”
“no, i think i get it perfectly. you were embarrassed of me, you never wanted me around, and you never picture a future with me.” nicole never thought that she would stoop this low, practically begging to be loved. but she did, and it was so utterly dehumanizing. “i wasn’t your idea of a perfect future, so you never even bothered to include me in it.”
this time, jecka stayed silent, her eyes faltering as it killed her to look at nicole. how could she possibly stand there and play the victim? how could she stand there and look so fucking beautiful and still hurt nicole so horribly? none of this made sense, and nicole hated how dearly she still holds jecka in her heart. she hated it, she hated her; at least, she wished she did.
nicole scoffed as if it wasn’t killing her. “i guess you never wanted me as much as i wanted you.”
“nicole, that’s not true,” jecka tried to explain, “it’s not like that-”
“save it,” nicole cut off. “i don’t want to hear it, and i don’t care enough to listen to all this. i’m tired of this, and i’m tired of you. i just want you to know one thing, jecka.”
for a moment, their eyes met, faint sparks lighting up a love nicole has been harboring for years. it came back in a crashing wave of emotions, and she couldn’t stand the way jecka gazed into her eyes. they were so gentle, so caring, so kind and lovely. she looked perfect in them, but it was all a lie, a lie she believed for far too long from a person she’s loved far too much.
“i would have never fucking done that to you.” so nicole looked away and never looked back.