Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The First Day: A Partridge in a Pear Tree

We were in his room when it happened, alone under the twinkling Christmas lights.

Outside, in the snow, a small partridge landed on the pear tree. It was alone; its mate, shot dead by a hunter, lay still below. The bird didn't flee. It didn't cry out. It just stared at the lifeless body, waiting for the cold to claim it, too.

‘You were so cute, back then,’ Leo’s gentle voice saved me from the uncompromising pain. ‘Chickens were your everything. You tried to save up for that poster with a chicken on it, remember? Until the owner told you it sold out and chased you away…’

He chuckled, and I zoned out, his voice still ringing in my ear. His smile was my everything—my will to live. I loved him so much my heart *fucking aches* every time I see his chestnut hair. Even when I zoned out, it was because I was mesmerized by the cadence of his voice. I loved every one of his little habits: the way he bit his finger when he was nervous, the way he took slow, steady breaths in the winter.

‘Kai, I love you. You are my ray of sunshine, my beacon of hope. You are the only bright star in my night sky.’

His face was buried in my neck, his breath warm on my skin. I could feel his cock against my stomach, a promise of everything I could never deserve.

But I couldn't break his heart. He didn't deserve *me*. A violent misfit. A boy even his own mother abandoned. A parasite who had relied on him his whole life.

I couldn't.

I pulled away from his warmth, creating a cold distance between us. I forced my aching lips into a smile as cold as the winter outside and let out a cackle, sharp and brittle.

“Are you fucking serious, Leo?”

I forced the cruel words out, clinging to them. I *wanted* every part of him to love me, to be inside me, but I knew he didn't realize I was a monster that will ruin him.

“This is a fucking mistake. You’re going to ruin us!”

The words would get him away. Yes, the words *is* his savior against me.

I drew strength from my weary legs and turned my back on him.

*This is for the best.*

I didn't have to look to see the hope in his eyes dissolve into gut-wrenching hurt. I could feel it. The Christmas lights weren't magical anymore. The colors were cold, dead, like dust collecting on a useless ornament.

*Like me.*

I had shattered his glass heart. And the silence that fell between us was an abyss that could never be mended.

Chapter Text

My apartment was a fucking mess. Unwashed clothes, dusty and reeking of neglect, sat as a damp stack on my couch, soaked with hours of tears. It had been hours since I touched the stack, but it didn’t dry. My eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, the blue pigment in my pupils drained away, leaving nothing but a desolate grey. Even the memory of the Christmas lights felt like an accusation.

I looked toward the window. Below, a pair of young lovers sat on a bench, their faces glowing despite the cold. They were sharing a single sandwich. Their clothes were cheap—a dark grey yarn shirt stained with wine, jeans faded from a forgotten blue, dirty pink slippers. Her hair was greasy, dandruff threaded in her hair; his eyes were tired, red veins trailing his eyes.
Love. So this is what they call love. Two turtle doves helping one another in the cold. When they can’t afford new clothes. When the world has given them nothing. They looked like they were meant to be.
Love is an infertile seed in my heart, it cannot grow. I will not let it. The moment the barrier falls, the dam will break, and I will be swept away forever.

All I could hear was static. I was alone. Without his laughter, without the slow, steady sound of his breathing by my side. All that remained was the ghost of an old joke between best friends, the only being with me, shrieking in a glass cage until the walls shattered, and every shard stabbed into my skin, my soul leak out onto the filthy floor.

I know this feeling.

It’s the same one I felt when I told my mother that her beloved boy, her only son, loved other boys.

She stared at me, her face a sheen of disbelief. “How could you?” she whispered, holding a sharp knife to my neck. I whimpered. “I raised you alone. After your fucking father went whoring, after he left me with his ungrateful child. I thought I could trust you not to disappoint me.”
I could see a gaze of repulsion in the reflection. “You are not my son. The devils have damned you, child.”

A part of me died right there. It never came back.

The sharp ring of the doorbell sliced through the painful memory, shattering it into millions of tiny pieces. Tap. Tap. Tap. The knock was gentle and quiet, hesitating, suffering silently.

My body moved before my mind. My legs twitched, and in a moment I was in front of my door. I could feel my body desperately attach itself to the knob, attempting to open it, to see my one source of hope again. My red-rimmed eyes begged to see him, my tongue pleading to be intertwined with his. I could not hold back.

With a moment of regret, my hand disobeyed me, turning my wrist to the right. The door was finally allowed to breathe again. I quickly retracted the mistake, leaving only a slight slit into the world that exiled me. It was a barrier that protected me from the pain. That protected him from me.
I peeked my weary eyes through the gap.

It was him. The problem and the solution at the same time.
His body shivered in the wind, his arms bare. ‘Take my jacket, Leo.’ I slowly grabbed the fluffy collar of my old denim puffer coat—the one Leo gave me as a birthday present last year. I couldn't help myself. I cannot let him freeze in the winter cold for me, not when I'm trying to protect him from myself.

His face was as pale as the snow outside, dark shadows encircling his eyes. The tips of his ears were purple from the cold. I caressed his face gently, bringing up the hood of the coat.
Why the fuck did you do that, Kai? YOU are supposed to stop him from loving a monster. This is why your mother abandoned you. You are just a selfish brat.

I wanted to hold back so much. But my lips moved uncontrollably, as if they had their own free will. My tongue clamped onto his, making a wet, aching sound. My lips were desperate for praise. Fuck, he tasted so good.
Stop it, Leo. Stop being so kind and forgiving. I was so cruel. Why can’t you hate me?

I pulled away from those sweet lips, the taste of him still on my skin. His eyes were still wide, searching for the part of me that loved him so much I would kill myself. He couldn't find it. It was my whole being, hidden in plain sight.

I touched his hands, drained of blood. There it sat: an ornate box, wrapped with a velvet ribbon. I pulled it open. A pair of golden turtle dove earrings rested inside. I clenched my fist around them, holding them tightly to my chest, where my beating heart was.

I remember last year at the Christmas market. I told him I loved these—the way the turtle doves seemed to cry diamonds, the way they glimmered in the sunlight. It reminded me of him. His golden hair. His diamond tears. His eyes had been fixed on them like he had a plan. He told me they could never be separated; they were turtle doves, after all. He told me that one day he would find a way.

He remembered all my wants. Everything I ever loved.

Why did you have to love me so much, Leo? Why do I have to break your heart against the cold stone pavement when mine is right below it?

Leo's voice was hoarse, barely a whisper. "I'm sorry. For last night. I shouldn't have... said that."

I shouldn’t have broken your heart, our trust... But it was for your own sake, Leo. Stop doing this. Tell me you fucking hate me. That I am vermin in your eyes. That it was a mistake to ever trust me with your heart.

The words were a blade twisting in my own gut. But what came out of my mouth was cold, hard stone.

"Take one." I shoved one of the earrings back into the box. "It’s not like we are a pair. Just go. I don’t want you here."

You are the perpetrator every time. I hate you so much. I wish I never met you. You are just a curse in my life.

"I hate you," I forced out. "I wish I'd never met you. You're a curse."

It is better if he hates. Yes, it’s better. He can see me as the monster that everyone else sees. He can be normal.

I handed him back the box. His eyes beaded with tears; the clatter of the single earring against the box was as personal and deep as the hurt I inflicted.

But he will recover. Loving me, he could not.

I slammed the door shut, leaving him outside alone.

Chapter Text

The phone's glow was the only light in my dark room, a harsh glare that made a sunny day look gloomy. My finger scrolled mindlessly through a gallery of handsome faces—broad builds and sculpted chests that meant nothing.
None of them were Leo.

Leo didn't have a broad build; he had a smile that could light up the world. He didn't have a sculpted chest; he had golden hair as bright as the sun. A sight
I would never allow myself to see again.

He was the sun, and I was just the moon—a dead rock reflecting his light, my only purpose to cast cold shadows upon him. I could only ever make him falter. With me, every day would be a living nightmare. He would survive as a corpse, decomposing from the inside out.

My finger kept browsing, knowing no one could ever match him. But I needed to be normal. I had to forget him. I had to let his heart bleed me out.

I needed a distraction.

My thumb paused on a profile. Alex. A sharp jawline, unlike Leo’s soft one. Detached eyes held a cold stare. A weight settled on my chest, heavy and anxious, just like the memory of Leo’s knock on my door.

I swiped right.
This is it. This is normal. This is what people do.

[CHAT LOGS]

Alex: hey
Kai: hey
Alex: you’re kai right
Kai: yeah
Alex: you look familiar
Kai: oh
Alex: you go to that cafe on elm?
Kai: sometimes
Alex: thought so. you’re always with that guy.
Kai: what guy
Alex: chestnut hair. nice smile.
Kai: leo
Alex: that’s him. you two dating?
Kai: no
Alex: could’ve fooled me. looked close.
Kai: we’re not.
Alex: k. srry. wanna hang?
Kai: sure
Alex: your place or mine?
Kai: yours
Alex: 223 east grand. apt 4b
Kai: k
Alex: 9pm?
Kai: sure
Alex: see you then

(Two hours later)

Alex: hey you still coming?
Kai: y
Alex: cool. btw saw your friend earlier.
Kai: where
Alex: outside the cafe. he looked sick.
Kai: sick how
Alex: pale. sweating. almost fell.
Kai: was anyone with him
Alex: no. he was alone.
Kai: k
Alex: you sure u are ok to meet?
Kai: y. fine.
Alex: k c u at 9.

What the fuck is Leo trying to do? Toy with my heart? Guilt-trip me?

That boy is never sick. It’s probably just a minor flu. But an urge to run to him, to embrace him, clawed at my insides. I couldn't eradicate all my progress. I called Sarah in a rush. "Check on Leo," I said. He'll be fine... right?

I tapped the power button, and the screen went black. Just like my heart. My disgusting, villainous heart. Why must I suffer like this? Why did the world create me? I will always be a motherfucking piece of worthless shit. Unwanted weight, holding others down.

But I’ll survive. For him. For the sliver of hope that I won't ruin him. Because my heart aches for him. Because I still have one person who loves me.
And I’ll break his heart until it shatters. Until he loves me no more. Until he regrets ever giving me his heart.

I stared at my hands. Did they look stained with blood? I’d washed them, but the stain was still there. Every stain was still fucking there.

If only there wasn't a broken bridge between our hearts—unmendable, in pieces. We stare at each other from opposite sides of a river stained with blood. Every scream of pain never arrives. We know each other so well, it fucking hurts.

I want to be normal again. I want to laugh in the sun with my best friend.
But someone I can never love is what I need. To wash him out of my mind. This is the motivation I need to move my weary legs.

I grabbed the cold, hard keys. The night air caressed my back like a kind sister. The wind doesn't discriminate; it accepts even the worst of monsters.
From the metal coffin of my car, the city lights glowed bright and hopeful, like when we were younger, free of regret. I carried my repulsed heart across the city. Leo, from now to eternity, I will remember you.

The stale, geometrical apartment building reminded me of Alex—sharp and calculated. My body moved on autopilot. Numbness infiltrated me. I couldn't feel my heartbeat anymore; it was hollow.

The air in the hallway was stagnant. A film of grime was on his doorbell. I pressed it, the sharp ring a final warning. He opened the door, a beautiful smile lighting his face. I stepped over the threshold, my shadow swallowing the hopeful city lights at my back.

Alex was beautiful. But not even he could compare to Leo. In my delusion, I imagined Leo's chestnut hair, his uncompromising smile, his emerald eyes full of passion. For a moment, it was Leo beneath me, begging for my touch.
But the hallucination vanished. Alex was an amazing kisser. He knew all the right spots. But it wasn't the same. Leo was messy, an amateur, but he tasted like everything. I desperately grabbed Alex's hair. His eyes twinkled, possessive, wanting to claim me.

But I wasn't his. My heart was still frozen under the Christmas lights in Leo's house.

He unbuckled my trousers, a bulge apparent in his own. He clamped his mouth around my cock, waves of pleasure rolling through me. His tongue was expert, hungry. Fuck, I wish it was Leo.

With one final thrust, I came undone. White, sticky liquid flowed into his throat. He swallowed.

Then my phone rang.

The sound was a gunshot. Alex's cologne suddenly felt artificial, cloying.
Sarah's voice was a sledgehammer. "Leo doesn't look well. He's fucking pale, Kai. Like he hasn't eaten in hours."

"What? I'm coming now. I'll take care of him."

"But you're on a date, I can—"

"I said I'll take care of him!"

The stranger in my bed, Alex, said something, but his voice was just static. Leo. Weak. Alone. I pulled up my trousers, my jacket shielding me from Alex's glare. "I have to go."

"You can't just—"

"I have to fucking go, Alex."

I ran. The car started immediately. I sped through a red light. Leo, it's me. The monster who ruined you.

At his apartment, I twisted the key he gave me last year. The lock turned, hollow, like my heart. I flicked on the light.

His apartment was dark and smelled of sickness.  Leo was asleep, pale as arsenic. He was thinner—just skin and bones. His breathing a ragged, wet sound I felt in my own lungs. I rushed to the kitchen and washed my hands, stained with blood. I remembered when Leo taught me to make chicken soup. He'd bought a model of three French hens with the recipe inscribed. I was a terrible cook. Still am. But now I'm a horrific monster, too. A monster who knows how to make chicken soup. The click-hiss of the stove, the bubble-pop of the pot—they were the only sounds in our silent tomb. I poured it into a thermos he’d given me for Christmas. I left it on the counter with a box of pills and a glass of water, and left it by his bed. It could stay by his side. Like I couldn't. My hand, free of its burden, stood an inch above his heated head. A I wanted to caress him. To comfort him. But I pulled back. A monster doesn’t get to offer comfort; strand of his chestnut hair curled around my finger.

Then I walked away.

On my way out, I noticed one of his shirts—one with a picture of us. I grabbed it. A souvenir. He wouldn't miss it. Not anymore.

At least I could smell his fresh lavender one last time. A memory. My first and last love.

My phone lit up. Sarah.

Sarah: Kai, what's going on?
Kai: Tell him you made the soup.
Sarah: What are you talking about? He wouldn't—
Kai: Tell him that I abandoned him.

I ended the call. He needs to remember me as a monster. To finally, finally give me peace.

(The next morning)

[KAI/SARAH DM]
Sarah : Went by Leo's. He was already awake. He found the soup. He asked me straight up if it was from you.

Sarah : I did what you asked. I told him I made it. He just stared at me and said "...Right." He didn't believe me, Kai.

[LEO/KAI DM]

Leo: I know you were here last night.

Leo: Was the date not good enough for you? Did you need to come here and see the damage? To check on your handiwork?

Leo: Sarah wouldn't look me in the eye. You made her lie for you. You couldn't even do that yourself.

Leo: Leaving soup like some kind of pity prize. Do you get off on this? On knowing I'm sitting here, sick, while you're out playing house with someone else?

Leo: If you really wanted to help, you'd leave me the fuck alone. You're just rubbing salt in the wound. Don't come back.

[LEO HAS BLOCKED YOU]

[KAI/ALEX DM]

Alex: what the hell was that?

Alex: you just run out in the middle of things??

Alex: thats fucked up

Alex: so you're just not gonna reply?

Alex: seriously?

Alex: whatever. you're clearly messed up over someone else. dont use people like that.
[ALEX HAS BLOCKED YOU]

Chapter Text

The silence in the apartment was so thick I could feel it pressing against my eardrums. Then, a fantasy—thick and sugary, like honey in my veins. I fantasize about him. Begging for my touch. Being by my side. Gladly being my love.

But I’ll erode him every time. I don’t belong in heaven. The heavens won't condone me because I am just a sinner. A bastard. A false prophet.

But you are so damn electrical. Every time I look into your emerald eyes, I feel like I am going to lose control. I am just another monster without your poisonous kisses; they end me every single time. Every word you say makes me shiver down my spine.

That's all I'd be without you. A hollow-hearted monster. A cage of skin, waiting for the peace of six feet underground.

You are the flesh on my bones. The blood in my veins. The electricity in my nerves.

And I am the rot.

The First Calling Bird

I laid there, the silence corroding my mind. My breathing echoed in the dark room. My fingers clenched, desperate for a distraction, and the temptation finally drew me to the glowing device next to me—the one I worked so hard to let go of, to stop myself from remembering him.

But I remembered him regardless. In everything I saw.

The chair next to me, where he fell asleep because I rambled too much about astronomy. The shirt I’m wearing that I brought back from his apartment. The phone case he gave me, with four calling birds flying freely. Loving freely.

And so it goes. All my effort of self-restraint was as useless after all. Like me.

As I descended into an eternal hole of darkness, I couldn’t stop it. Video came after video, my body begging me to let go and finally rest. I knew I couldn’t. I lied and lied to myself, promising I would close the app after just one more. I knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

Because when I left the abyss of darkness, there was only the suffocating light: the hope, the memories, the urge to find him, to type to him again. The urge to make myself a victim, to renounce all my sins, knowing full well he’d still hate me.

So I kept scrolling. Because it was my salvation. It felt like heaven, climbing like vines on my skin, the manufactured happiness infiltrating my mind, shielding me from pain. I didn’t know how long I’d been scrolling. I didn’t want to feel guilty for being a coward.

But comfort is always only temporary. Pain whispers in its ear, telling it to ruin me. To ruin him.

And as I kept scrolling, I scrolled back to

a video of a pug smiling. It was random. Completely.

But I could feel waves of echoes on my skin. Echoes of Leo’s texts, over and over again.

Look at this pug. It’s so cute, right? I better save it as a sticker.

It was the exact same image. It felt like demons were grabbing me by the heel, dragging me back to my cage of memories—a place that was hollow.

Hollow except for me.

I am the one corroding it, stopping it from

finally becoming free of pain and vengeance, innocence claiming it from me.

A bullet hit my gut, a dull ache throbbing inside, making me struggle to breathe.

Thud.

The phone fell to the ground, the screen slightly cracking.

Leo, am I dead to you?

I know it’s so late. A quarter past three. My finger hovers over the ghost of my phone, clicking 'share' in my imagination.

Can that satisfy my craving for you?

I know it can’t.

The Second Calling Bird

I focused on the rhythm of my own footsteps, a steady beat against the chaotic hum of the city, trying to outwalk the silence waiting for me at home.

And for a few blocks, it almost worked.

Did life ever feel this lonely?

I try to feel something other than this, but it just feels hollow. Without his smile. Without my friend. My best friend. My victim.

I don’t recognize anyone else who loves me like you did. And I try—I try so hard—to be numb. But I can’t. You can trap a storm cloud in an inescapable jar, but the rain will always find a way to leak out.

I try so hard to find people who care about me like you did, and everything is getting so foggy. I just miss you so much. My love hides inside me, trapped under an indescribable weight. Can you still see it in my eyes, Leo? Because it’s leaking, too, under all the pressure.

Did you renovate your apartment yet? You always dreamed of that. Did you find a new love? Is your sister doing well? Are you an uncle yet?

Leo, I have so many unanswered questions about you. My head is in the clouds for you, and I don’t know if I can still bear to pretend to hate you.

And all this hurt, the memories, they still sting with a pain behind my eyes, tears begging to be let out. Why can’t I fucking stay numb? Why can’t all this emotion stay put, tucked away on the shelves of my heart?

But a tear was let out. To remind myself I am human, after all. How ironic is that? I always described emotions as just biology, but maybe it’s not so true now.

And in the moment I blinked against that single, wet betrayal, I walked through the ghost of your shampoo—a clean, sharp scent that stopped me dead.

It smelled of bright vanilla, just like every time you came out of the shower.

It smelled of our memories. Every single one of them.

It smelled of our happiest moments, of our favorite carnival ride: that one creepy clown roller coaster.

It smelled like the scarf you crocheted for me during a boring school bus ride.

It just smelled like you. My beloved Lion.

I just want to fucking feel your warmth again. I just want you to grace me with your sunshine smile again. But now I am just crying at the hollow grave you left in mine.

And I’ll keep walking by this grocery store

every day, until I see you smile again. Even if it isn’t for my eyes.

I’ll never forget my love for you, Leo. I’ll never forget the love you once held in your eyes for me, the emerald color of your own, staring into my soul. I’ll always be staring at the picture I keep in my pocket, the smell of you still clinging to it after all these weeks.

Because I want your happiness. I’ll beg for your happiness from the heavens and the sky. I would do anything. I’d bleed for you. I’d bear every one of your bruises, wounds, cuts, and scars.

I’m just a monster. And you are the king of my heart. Just not with me.

Because you don’t deserve me. And I don’t deserve the happiness I once begged for.

The Third Calling Bird

I spent the afternoon trying to be a person someone could love—scrubbing the sink, folding the laundry. It all felt empty. My life went from flowers to war zones, and now I'm just alone.

Truly alone.

I remember the feeling I used to have. The way the cool breeze blew on Friday nights throughout the summer. I remember loving the stars, studying the constellations. It was so damn alive back then.

It hit me as I fell to the ground: I don't know that feeling anymore. I don't know the person I used to be—the one who loved themself. And I fucking need to go back to those days when I had the universe in my hands.

But I let it rot.

All my friends are gone, banished by my own decree. I got my wish to be alone, only to find it's a nightmare to live. And now I'm trapped in the silence I once demanded. This story can't end with my demise; I don't have the will for that final punctuation. My life is just one long, unkind sentence in a gilded cage.

The heavy truth sank into me, a predator claiming its prey. Gasping for air, I crawled into the bathroom, clinging to the side of the tub to stabilize myself. I needed to remember how to wash the blood from my hands—the hands I used to crumble my own heart into a thousand pieces.

I stared at them under the running water, trying to remember when they started looking so alien. The veins bulged, a deep, bruised purple. The skin was wrinkled and pruned, still stained by the memory of tears.

My eyes drifted up to the shattered bathroom mirror, the one I’d destroyed when the pain became too much. The hollowed-out stranger staring back made me flinch. My complexion was a deathly white. My posture was permanently slumped, my limbs stringy and thin, all the muscle withered away. My hair was greasy and unkempt, strung with layers of dandruff. My eyes had lost all their vibrancy, clouded by a dull, vacant sheen. My shirt was wrinkled, unwashed for days.

Pain had taken over my entire life. And now, I can’t pull myself out of this hellhole.

The Fourth Calling Bird

I was so tired of being a monster.

Someone no one fucking loves.

I wanted to feel the warmth of life again. I wanted to experience the beauty of the four seasons again. And you’ll see me in my apartment each and every day, drinking until I feel your warmth again.

Leo, I fucking miss you so much.

When we first met, you never saw the tortured prisoner. You could only see the angels on my shoulders. Only their carcasses lie there now, murdered by the demons who trap me in this damn cage.

The first time I saw the way you looked at me, I knew it was too late. Is it just a phase? I asked myself. Because I sure damn hoped so. I hoped you would get over a monster. And now you’re gone by my side. I caused my own fucking demise.

I’ll stay curled up on this couch, your pained glare haunting my dreams. I’m trying to see myself in a bright light, but I can’t seem to find the lens. You glow too bright for me. And I’ll drink every day just to forget that damn smiling face.

I miss you, darling. I shouldn't have the right to.

'Cause I’m just a faceless knight, and you are the one true king. I have the sword to protect you, darling. But I can and will never have the crown to deserve you.

The pain didn’t fade. It left me hollowed out, shuffling towards the living room, drawn to the last place in the apartment that still held any light. But the light was dimmed without you.

Where are you, Leo? Where is your warmth? It hurts so much without you. Leo, I need you desperately. Without you, my life is pointless. An infertile seed of pain. Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo. My Leo.

But you’re not mine to love. Mine to care for. Mine to see.

I’ll forever be yours. And I hope you will deserve me in our next life.

A drop of water leaked from the roof, shattering the silence. I closed my eyes, just for a second, against the harsh dizziness punishing me. And for that moment, I had peace. A single, splitting second of peace.

Until it was gone.

Replaced by him.

Leo.

His knees were on the floor. When I touched his face, I could feel him. The warm skin. The chestnut hair. He wasn’t a ghost.

“Is it you, Leo?”

He didn’t answer. His expression was smiling. Oh, fuck, I miss this handsome smile. His finger rested on my cheek, gently brushing the tear off. I moved to feel his warmth again.

In the moment I blinked, the touch vanished.

“Leo. Leo. Leo.” I repeated the shape of his name on my lips, like that would be enough.

The space in front of me was empty.

Leo was gone.

But he left a phantom sensation on my skin. I looked back at the four calling birds on my phone case.

Damn it. I can’t forget him.