Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kuya was standing in his workshop, fitting fabric over the sewing dummy. He doesn’t flinch when the door creaks open nor does he drop the few pins in his mouth or reach for the extras stuck on his clothes. 

Most people knew not to step inside the studio without informing Kuya twenty minutes — not nineteen, not fifteen, twenty minutes — beforehand. Normally, if an intruder stepped inside without notice, Kuya would have immediately flung sharp pins towards the unsuspecting target. But there was only one person in the world whose footsteps he couldn’t detect, and that alone was enough of an indicator for Kuya to know the identity of the unexpected visitor.

He doesn’t jump and tackle the person when he feels their hand on his left shoulder, his blind spot. There were only three people in the world who were allowed to stand on his left side — the person who had once used his disability to his advantage years ago to physically take him down being one of them. Kuya takes the sharp pins out of his mouth and sticks the rest in his clothes. 

“You’ve decided to show your face for once after, what, two days?” Kuya asks, a subtle tinge of irritation disguised as sarcasm hidden deep in his tone.

“I told you, the first year is rough for everyone. Even I have to claw my way to the ranks. Socially, at least, none of these doctors even compare to me,” Rei replies. “You have no idea how frustrating it is trying to ward off doctors who are five years older than me just so I can get them to back off on cases I want in on.”

From the way Rei lets his entire weight fall right on Kuya’s shoulder, he could tell that he has been through quite a lot. Kuya thinks about his words carefully, being mindful of not sounding too much like he was pampering him as if Rei wasn’t strong enough to be capable of anything. Besides, the idea of just plainly asking him if he was okay sounded too intimate for Kuya’s liking. It made his skin crawl. 

“How hard is it really? Everyone has equal opportunities to strive as they all started from the bottom of the food chain and they work their way to the top,” Kuya hums in vague amusement, purposefully ignorant. “In fact, you yourself should have an advantage, given that the old man is the chief. He’s practically a colleague.”

“On paper, we’re all ‘equal,’ but they’re nothing more than competition. The fact that we are all at the bottom of the food chain is precisely why interns who are peaceful tend to never make it far. A quiet but competent doctor will never have as much recognition as a loud but passable doctor. Loud doctors get loud cases. Loud cases that become solved proves that they’re reliable enough to take on more louder cases.”

Rei reflects on the past few days and groans into Kuya’s shoulder.

“My resident — the God I have to serve essentially — is already babying me like an idiot because he thinks I’m too young to be handling life threatening shit. So I have to watch these old geezers fuck up on cases that’s way too above their league while God assigns me cases for simple abdominal pain. And I can’t use my history with the chief as a stepladder too much because it unfortunately reeks of favoritism.”

With Rei still leaning onto his shoulder, whining about the unfair treatment of his internship, Kuya couldn’t exactly use his left arm for anything. He idly pretends to work on his design as he allows Rei to do whatever he pleases. 

“And why is that?”

“Interns both are wary of me as they are putting me on this pedestal because of my relation with the chief since some fool recognized me in an old photo of my mother’s research team that was hung up in his office. I tried so hard erasing traces of my past, but whatever.” Rei rolls his eyes. “Some back off when I go for a case, some try to say I’m getting favoritism, and some are trying to kiss up my ass because I’m pretty much the only one who knows what he’s doing. So yes Kuya, it is that hard. There’s levels to this shit.”

“What happened with just pulling off the schemes you used to do not too long ago?” Kuya asks him. “You know very well how to earn your God’s favor.”

Rei lifts his head up to glare at Kuya. “I actually want to prove my worth instead of sleeping my way to the top, thank you very much. I don’t think the old man would be pleased to know that I’ve fucked most of his employees. Besides, you’re not really there to see if you want to veto them or not.”

“Should I feel honored that I am part of your decision-making process or are we simply going to brush past the fact that you’re making excuses?” Kuya snorts.

He turns his head slightly, naturally avoiding disturbing Rei from moving too much from the spot he settled on. It isn’t quite enough for him to no longer be fully in his blind spot, but it is enough to look at Rei somewhat. 

“You are fully capable of being more crafty than that, use that pretty little head of yours to figure it out,” Kuya tells him, deceptively sweet. 

“I can literally make it so the rest of my competition contracts anthrax so I’m the only one left standing and God will still send me to a patient with mild asthma exacerbation.” Rei lets out a humorless laugh. “Even then, he asks for my opinion and takes all the credit. Makes me wonder why I’m even there.”

“How sad,” Kuya replies sarcastically.

He could feel Rei’s lips turn into a sly grin. “You know what would make me feel better?” 

Suddenly Kuya could feel his hands around his waist. His own hands paused and rested on top of the mannequin. Instead of just replying outright, Kuya weighs the possibilities of what Rei could be asking for. While they have fooled around in his workshop on a few occasions, currently his space was in no condition to be doing anything. 

And if he were to be honest, Kuya was not quite keen over the idea of having to be nothing but a distraction for Rei instead of just being an intimate recipient to his affections. There have been way too many times where Kuya had felt as though he’s more of a tool to be used rather than his lover.

But in this sort of twisted way, he’d rather have Rei use him than to not need him anymore.

Kuya supposes holding him against the wall will have to do. “What do you have in mind?”

“Out of curiosity, have you done any kind of drug that I did not know about in the last, I would say, three months?” Rei inquires.

Kuya raises his brow in question. “I have only been taking my prescribed diazepam. You would know if I’ve taken anything else — you’re the culprit, after all. Does your current goal involve having the both of us physically immobile and high off our minds while we lovingly cradle into each other’s arms?”

“Not at all, but now that we’re here, should I be concerned that you’re off your other meds? I’ve noticed they’ve gone untouched,” Rei says, then he hums in thought. “Though, this could work because I’m prescribed the same benzodiazepine as well…”

“Do get to the point.”

Rei lets his hands wander down his shirt, mindful of the pins that were stuck on the fabric, then he’s playing with the hem of his waistband. “You would do anything to make me happy, right babe?”

As soon as Rei dropped the petname on him, Kuya knew what was going on. He sighs, “What do you require of me?”

“It would be very heartwarming in my eyes if you were to give me your urine.”

Kuya widens his eyes and whips his head over Rei’s direction. “That’s… an appalling request.”

“Stop being dramatic, I’ve seen all kinds of urine and I will be seeing even more in the future,” Rei chides at him. “I have had every part of you in my mouth and tasted… well, most of your bodily fluids. I’d much rather hold your piss cup than a stranger’s, actually. Shouldn’t you feel jealous that I’ve dealt with multiple strangers’ urine before I even had the chance to deal with yours?”

…What in the world is Rei going on about?

“…Am I supposed to feel moved by your revolting attempt at being loving?” Kuya mutters.

“Is it working?”

“I — the fact you think I would find any of this romantic is more appalling than your request.”

Rei’s hands freeze noticeably as his face hardens. He ceases his act and pulls away. “Look, there’s a case that’s been reported of an intern doing drugs and now we all have to take a test to see if we have any in our system. I’m not exactly clean at the moment.”

Kuya lets out a dry laugh. “Are you sure they’re not talking about you?”

“I don’t go to work with substances in my body and I’m not an addict,” Rei insists. 

“Have you considered the possibility of stopping your self-experiments?” Kuya offers.

“Have you considered taking all of your meds?”

Sticking a pin to hold the fabric in place, Kuya steps back and faces Rei. He deliberates over a compromise that he knew Rei would agree on. “Put a pause on the experiments that require using yourself as a test subject for three months and you will get… hahh, a sample of my urine. To pass your drug test.”

“Two weeks.”

“Nine.”

“Four weeks.”

“Seven weeks.”

“Five.”

Kuya crosses his arms. “Seven is my final offer. That is nearly half of the original deal.”

Rei stares at him in disbelief. “Fine, seven weeks.”

“A pleasure doing business with you,” Kuya smiles as warmly as he could, putting his hand out for Rei to shake, but instead Rei knocks it away. 

“It’s ridiculous having to make deals with someone who is supposed to be by my side no matter the circumstances,” Rei huffs.

“How offensive of you to say that,” Kuya pouts. “I provide aid in many ways.”

In all honesty, Kuya was seething beneath his own playful exterior. He’s quite disappointed over being put in such a position where he is reminded of Rei’s foolishness—

—Of the times he spotted a new injection mark on his leg, the times Kuya had witnessed Rei mumble incoherent words underneath his breath as he flopped lifelessly in his chair, the times Kuya had to rush over to find something for Rei to vomit in when his body instinctively rejects the foreign substance he’s taken—

Kuya takes a sharp intake of air and smiles as he tilts his head towards the door. “So, I assume you came here just to make a request of me? Not that you actually were longing for my presence after being thrown into the horrors of your internship?”

“If you word it like that, you make me out to be a heartless partner,” Rei says. “While you’re not entirely wrong, seeing you was just an added bonus. Why are you making complaints all of a sudden?”

“That’s not quite what I am hinting at.”

Rei follows the direction he was subtly pointing at before scoffing derisively. “You’re kicking me out.”

“I am just swamped with work, that is all.” Kuya gestures towards his unfinished piece. “Unless you have anything else that should be brought to my attention, which I highly doubt, kindly leave. I’ll return home soon.”

“Or, we can go home together.”

“Rei,” Kuya warns, dangerously gentle. “In this moment of time, your company will only serve as a distraction. Do leave.”

There’s a long pause between them as Rei doesn’t make a single effort to move. Looking at him carefully, Rei raises his brow, full of skepticism. “You don’t look like you’re in the state to be left alone.”

Kuya doesn’t have a clever response to that.

Shrugging, Rei finally steps away. “I will be walking around the nearby shops here for ten minutes. If I come back and you still want to be left alone, I’ll go back by myself.”

Kuya chuckles, “That is unnecessary, just go home—”

“I’m not compromising any more than I already am.” Once Rei reaches the door, he turns back to look at him. “Don’t be an idiot while I’m gone. The timer starts now.”

As soon as the door closes, Kuya lets out a shaky exhale that he didn’t know he was holding. He waits a few seconds to make sure Rei was at least a good distance away from his studio, and he turns to his work. His gaze flickers over at the empty mannequin right beside it.

In an instant, Kuya’s foot collides with the dummy, knocking it down. He digs his heel into the fallen figure, putting his entire weight into it without care. Once clarity starts to seep right in, Kuya kicks it away and briskly strides over to where his bag lays flat on the floor. 

After taking his prescribed diazepam, Kuya takes a deep breath as he waits for the effects to kick in.

When Rei returns, he notices the fallen dummy on the ground, deformed from what looks to be a beating. Kuya doesn’t say anything, neither telling Rei to leave or stay. 

They ended up going home together.

Because Rei was in charge of managing Kuya’s medications due to a past incident, Kuya often watched as he did his daily count of pills. He had noted the moment Rei realized there was one less than before and they both exchanged silent, knowing glances at each other. But Rei never questioned him.

This is how their arrangement worked. Neither of them would bring up topics involving their personal, vulnerable matters unless it’s nearly too late. Neither of them coddle each other, not necessarily due to lack of interest, but, as much as Kuya didn’t want to admit it, out of respect. 

Instead of all of that, they watch over each other. 

Kuya has brought up his concern over Rei’s dubious methods involving putting himself in harm’s way for the sake of his curiosity long ago. Numerous times, even. But there was no shaking Rei’s determination. 

He didn’t have other alternative solutions to have Rei continue his experiments while keeping him untouched. Rei had no interest in involving other life forms into his research as he felt it would be potentially a waste of life for something that was purely out of personal interest. Or so he says.

So, instead of trying to fight a futile battle, Kuya deemed it necessary to try to discreetly lessen the damage done. Rather than being someone who constantly criticized Rei’s methods, he will just help him get what he needs (even if it meant… giving Rei a urine sample). It was better if Rei relied on him a bit than it was having Rei approach a stranger at a sketchy place and put himself in danger all by himself. Or worse, if Rei was relying on someone else who was of bad character. 

This way, Kuya could watch him.

From across the bar, Kuya could see Rei wiping off imaginary crocodile tears that were way too dramatic to be true. It should be a surprise that Rei could get away with bad acting — Kuya laughs even, but the stranger was clearly weak for pretty faces. Especially when the pretty face was a damsel in distress. 

When Rei points over at Kuya’s direction, the stranger comically rolls up his sleeves and starts heading towards him. He doesn’t miss the way Rei easily pickpockets the stranger, just in case their plan backfires. As soon as Rei signals at him, Kuya smiles at the stranger before getting up and quickly exiting the building.

He could hear the man trailing behind him as he led him into the dark alley. 

“Runnin’ as soon as ya get exposed for bein’ a creep towards other patrons, eh?!” the man yells as he drunkenly hobbles over. He stops in his tracks and looks around. “Where the hell are ya hidin’, coward!”

As soon as he turned, Kuya firmly planted his feet to the ground in preparation and spun, swinging his right leg up and kicking him right below the jaw. 

When the man falls to the ground, Kuya sighs, “Must I have to act under the role of a perverted creep?”

“Relax, you didn’t do any actual ‘creeping,’” Rei calls out from behind. “The ‘pervert’ part is not far off though.”

“I did nothing of the sort when we were still in the bar,” Kuya retorts. He kneels down over the unconscious man and pokes him. “Is this how you want to treat someone who has not only located the man you were looking for by working with just a blurry image provided, but also someone who went along with your plan?”

“You should be happy that you’ve brought justice back into this bleak world. It’s no surprise that being treated as a hero disgusts you though.”

“Taking down one insignificant human isn’t going to change things. The world could consist of only good-natured people and the lands will be nothing more but devastatingly desolate,” Kuya replies coldly.

“You’re just not living life properly. That could be a topic you can bring up in your next therapy appointment,” Rei says as he squats down, looking through the man’s pockets. “Once we take what he has on him, we can drop him off at the police station. He won’t be knowingly selling laced shit to his unsuspecting customers for a while.”

“And why do you still need dirty drugs, exactly?”

“While I don’t have any uses for something dangerous at the moment, I still can extract the components I need from it,” Rei answers. “That is, if this guy even sells legitimate products, but I can already check if they really are the real deal myself. Help yourself out with whatever you want from him.”

Kuya swung the man’s watch around his finger. “I’ve already done so.”

They leave a few packs of whatever the man had still on him and Rei turns him in. Once he’s back in the car, Kuya points out, “Long ago, you’ve told me that your focus was on medications for chronic pain but as soon as we’ve reunited, you’ve shifted your attention to more recreational substances.”

“Most drug addicts find relief in these recreational substances because they have something going on that’s causing them distress,” Rei replies as he pulls out one of the small baggies to examine the contents by plain view. “Oftentimes there is a huge overlap between medications for chronic pain and these psychiatric remedies since many alter the nervous system and a person’s mood so naturally, my goal will stray off from its original path somewhat. Even if my subject of choice has changed to something psychiatric, I’m still treating some kind of pain.”

“Would it not be simpler to use the ones actually approved by the government?”

Rei glances at him and narrows his eyes. He seems hesitant in his next thoughts, but Rei asks anyway, “How many types of antidepressants have you gone through and did you find relief in any of them?”

Aware that Rei knew very well Kuya had stopped taking his current medication because he saw no point in something that didn’t work, Kuya didn't push. 

“Infuriatingly enough, you’ve made your case.”

As agreed upon, Rei kept to his word. There were no more additional needle marks added onto his skin and whatever lingering effects he still had from the substances he injected himself with, like fatigue or moodiness, Rei had recovered from them. Even though his sleep schedule and eating habits were still abysmal, Rei started to look much more alive.

There were parts of Kuya that had doubted Rei’s claims of not being an addict, but perhaps he was telling the truth all along. He showed no signs of cravings and the like nor did he exhibit any physical symptoms either. After checking the amount of coffee they had at home and silently keeping count of how many cigarettes Rei had left, Kuya notes his caffeine and nicotine intake remained the same as always, not needing to try to compensate for the lack of other chemicals his body was accustomed to artificially receiving.

He really was careful with the way he handled drugs. Rei habitually stopped by support centers for free clean syringes and needles and other useful supplies like test strips and naloxone. He tests all of his substances and preps them accordingly once they’re cleared and he begins his research. Rei always made it a point to take what was necessary and nothing else to ensure that no other unwanted drug interactions occur. He would even stop his other vices, like not smoking for days or actually getting enough sleep, just to turn his system into a clean slate. 

Rei was only an addict in a sense that he craved knowledge to the point he would do anything to satiate his curiosity. 

Obviously, he valued his experiments more than anything in the world if Rei was willing to pretend to care for his body for a little while just so he could prepare to destroy it. Even if Kuya urges him to eat or go to bed, Rei would not waver. Only his experiments would get him to take care of himself.

Sometimes Kuya wondered if Rei loved his research more than he loved him.

Yes, Rei kept to his word and took a pause on creating chemical compounds and testing them out on himself. But the frequency of him taking twenty-four hour shifts at the hospital went higher by tenfold.

An addict of science who cannot dwell in pharmaceuticals at this current time so he turns to another form of science as a placeholder instead. Pitiful, really.

Kuya doesn’t pay much mind to it. Solitude was something he has become accustomed to as he grew older and if he wanted a partner who clung to his side constantly, Kuya would have sought out a partner who had that trait. Distance was comfortable for him, especially during times like these where he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Perhaps it would be more accurate if Kuya were to say he tried not to pay too much mind to it. This kind of subject shouldn’t be constantly weighing his mind. It is just, Rei was the type to work himself to the bone if he was invested in the matter enough and he was definitely invested in his internship. He gets carried away by his interests quite easily to the point where he incapacitates himself.

However, even if he were to exhaust himself to the point of collapse during his shifts, at least Rei would have collapsed in a hospital where he would receive immediate medical care. It’s better than doing so at home where supplies are limited and Kuya’s medical knowledge isn’t as extensive as a professional’s. And surely, the old man would be aware of the news and make his way over to Rei to scold him.

Overworking at the hospital was the better alternative than at home, that is without question. Kuya knew that very well, but yet he still can’t take his eye off the stove.

Despite his self-reasoning, Kuya can’t help but wonder why all sorts of sense has deserted him. Instead of prioritizing on his self-serving endeavors, Rei was out and about caring for patients. The most dangerous thing that could happen to him would be dealing with a violent patient, but Rei was remarkably astute. Other than that, the only thing that could really harm Rei was himself. He wouldn’t go back on his word and loot the hospital pharmacy — Rei wouldn’t steal from the old man anyway. Starvation and overexertion were the only two things Rei would have to deal with.

Kuya brushed his finger carefully over the edges of the lit stove.

This unwillingness to allow room for others in place for his own ambitions was something Kuya has been thinking a lot about recently. It’s not a new thought, there are times he would go back to these same thoughts over and over again when he gets regrettably reminded of the consequences of Rei’s behaviors. Especially when Rei has gone off, chasing after his pursuits and leaving Kuya to be stuck alone with an active mind and urges for sensory provocations.

He really is alone.

This sensitive need to receive stimuli, the need to elicit responses either from others or himself is eating him away. He feels empty, this hunger to fill the void was becoming unbearable. There were multiple sensations he would rather be feeling — pleasure, anger, pain, anguish — but none are present. All that was there was numbness, a disconnect from his entire surroundings.

Kuya has been trying to ignore the fact that the world has gotten monochrome again as the days passed by. 

He can’t exactly fill the void with stimuli by taking it out on a wall. Causing injury to his foot, knuckles, and head would disfigure him temporarily, and while there are times that Kuya had wondered if he was anything dear to him, Rei was extremely attracted to him physically. His appearance is all he’s got at the moment to win Rei’s favor.

Leaving cuts on himself was an appealing thought as it provided the right kind of stimuli Kuya prefers — it felt sharp, like fire, but Rei would find them. He has even already pricked himself with a pin before and passed it off as a work accident, but Rei still raised a brow at that.

Finding a painfully unrefined man with a boorish attitude to elicit responses from was normally his go-to approach. But the world punishes harm inflicted on others more than harm inflicted on one’s self. Even if the man was vile.

Seeking out a warm body to keep him company was something that should not even be up for consideration, but it was a method that Kuya had unfortunately partaken in a few times under the guise of just wanting to ‘convince’ models to work with him when he’s at his side job. It’s not exactly his preferred manner of execution as this was more Rei’s style after all. But even then, Rei would normally just approach him instead of a stranger for this sort of thing. And Kuya did not exactly want to have to get his approval beforehand, let alone have him aware that he was doing anything to begin with.

And stabbing his only working eye was out of the question. It’s overdramatic and Kuya was not in such a heightened state to do so again. 

(He wouldn’t be able to look at Rei again if he did so.)

With that, it all led to fire in the end.

Now, Kuya could think of multiple arguments against the use of fire, like how Rei knew of his compulsive fixation with flames, but he could think of multiple justifications in favor of using heat. He knows very well how to wield it carefully to the point where he’d be able to minimize the damage done. Using his lighter would not be ideal in this situation since he’s come to realize Rei was monitoring the amount of lighter fluid he had left. If he were to use the stove, however, Kuya could pass it off as an accident, like he accidentally burned himself from cooking or grabbing a plate that was too hot.

So with that, Kuya brought his finger over the scorching hot surface.

He may have gone overboard. The burns didn’t reach just his finger, but a good chunk of his hand. 

Kuya woke up on the sofa with Rei knelt down at his side, his burnt hand being held in his own. He was examining his wounds. 

Rei’s expression was grim.

“What did you do?” 

Stretching out his body, Kuya grins. “For you to be this overly expressive over a kitchen mishap, I wonder how you would respond to something more serious.”

“Answer the damn question.”

“Aren’t you over-the-top this evening?” Kuya sits himself upright and takes a glance at his hand. It was quite an ugly sight. “I had a lapse of judgment while I was preparing dinner — not like you’re going to eat it anyway — and I made the mistake of allowing cooking oil to spill on my hand.”

He seemed to have softened over the fact that he acquired such an affliction from making dinner for the both of them, which wasn’t far from the truth, really.  

Rei had already dropped everything he was holding, leaving his bag, coat, and water on the ground, and then he disappeared into the study to retrieve their personal first aid kit. Seeing Rei look, for once, troubled by his injury was like a breath of fresh air. 

“For this to be a burn from cooking oil, there would be at least a few signs showing it being splashed onto you,” Rei tells him as he’s cleaning the wound. “Funny how I don’t see any of them on you.”

“How strange, perhaps the cooking oil had gone sentient all of a sudden,” Kuya teases.

He’s nagging him now, giving him a lecture on burn care as if they haven’t had this conversation multiple times at this point — Kuya could practically recite his exact words by heart, omitting his choice of vulgar speech of course. If Kuya wanted to care for his own burn wounds by himself, he would’ve done so. He wouldn’t allow just anybody to fret over him and touch him — not even Rei sometimes.

But just this once, Kuya permits it. Rei was actually paying attention to him for once, supplying him that need for his senses to be overwhelmingly filled. All of this happened because Rei allowed him to feel boredom, after all. It was Rei’s fault, really.

There’s a scowl on his face, a deep concerned calm yet it was enough for Kuya to see that Rei was furious. The words he was spitting out were harsh, yet the way his hands held Kuya’s was gentle and meticulous, treating his injury with such nurturing care that Kuya finds himself enjoying.

Kuya has come to realize that he’s become bound by this corrupt kind of dependence on Rei. If he wasn’t around to keep him entertained, then who could he rely on to make him feel exactly how Rei makes him feel? There’s one other person in mind — Eiden — but he doesn’t bring in the same kind of energy as Rei, he’s not Rei. No one could replicate him. He’s gotten so weak to the point his emotions can be simply dictated by one person’s actions alone. 

He already knows what’s going to happen to himself once Rei eventually succumbs to his dangerous self-experimentation. 

That night, Rei ate a full meal for the first time in a while. He finished his plate clean, leaving not even a single crumb. Whether it was because he was hungry or his guilty conscience was finally creeping up on him now the burn incident happened, Kuya would never know.

“You’re going to work with me tomorrow,” Rei tells him.

Kuya tilts his head curiously. “I myself am still employed.”

“Then you go right ahead to your job but as soon as you’re done, you’re going straight back to the hospital.”

“Do you really think a wound like this requires such drastic medical surveillance?”

“No,” Rei says. “But I want you to stick around during my shifts anyways, for at least a few days. The chief will allow it.”

“Exercising your privilege now, aren’t you?” Kuya smirks. “What happened to being wary of favoritism?”

“Why do you suddenly care about how I get treated at work? You’ve been nothing but discouraging.” Rei gets up to put his plate away. “Don’t be annoying and start being cooperative for once in your damn life. I’m tired.”

It’s apparent as day that Rei wanted to keep him around to monitor him where he could at least see him and for the same reasons Kuya had thought of prior, Rei too felt that having an incident at the hospital was much safer than having one at home. He would be within Rei’s proximity in the meantime.

Seeing that Rei hovered around their living space with Kuya at arm’s reach the entire time — to the point where even he was joining him in the bath and going to bed at the same time as him — it turns out that everything had gone in Kuya’s favor in the end.

Being stuck in the hospital, witnessing the chaos of medical staff rushing through the halls whenever a patient starts to code or whenever they’re trying to relay vital information to each other about a patient’s care as fast as they could, Kuya’s senses were widely occupied. A lot of things were happening around him, and he did not have to do a single thing but be a spectator.

Kuya could see why Rei would be highly engrossed in his internship — it was fast-paced and full of risk. He had to keep moving no matter where he was at, meeting all kinds of patients from all places in the world with interesting stories to tell, treating them, and moving onto the next patient with another unique background. There was nothing repetitive about working in a hospital since new kinds of cases and experiences were always constantly being brought in. 

It forced Rei’s mind to work, to think outside the box. His knowledge was always being tested and trained, giving him the mental stimulation he needed. It made sense why Rei always insisted on taking overnight shifts. He was stuck in an echo chamber of his own addiction with multiple other doctors who are just like him.

But seeing Rei in his element was quite spellbinding. His attitude towards patients was amusing to watch. The majority of his patients seemed stunned by his bluntness and half of them requested new doctors immediately, only for them to all inevitably ask for Rei to be put back in their care again. It seems that his fellow interns didn’t view his eccentricities as charming as Kuya did, but they could not deny that Rei was extremely adept at his role.

He could not understand why Rei was so against the idea of favoritism because at the moment, Kuya was thriving under the power he had under the chief’s protection. If he was not venturing through restricted areas, Kuya was shoving his face in front of those at the main desk of each department. It was quite fun seeing them try to remain neutral as Kuya made a show of pocketing their belongings and moving onto his next victim. 

And whenever Rei had a bit of spare time, he would make a pit stop in the on-call room where he had Kuya staying. 

“You have to stop harassing the administrative personnel just because you’re bored,” Rei had muttered into his chest one night. 

“Isn’t most work done digitally these days? I fail to see why any of them require pens or sticky notes.”

“It’s a mix of both. If the system fails, legally we’d have to do everything by hand. You would have single-handedly become the reason for this hospital’s downfall if a power outage had happened today.”

“Or this hospital just needs to stock up on office supplies.”

“No matter what, nothing’s ever your fault, huh?”

“If it bothers you so much, feel free to take action yourself.”

“You really are like a child that can’t be left unwatched.”

“That applies to you too.”

Rei yawns before humming to himself. “Then if it pleases you, you can oh-so graciously watch me nap for about twenty minutes until I have to get up—”

The most obnoxious beeping known to mankind cuts Rei off. Rolling his eyes, he sits up and starts scavenging through discarded clothes for the source of the noise. Kuya watches as Rei picks up his pager and brings the screen right up in his line of view. Seeing the sender has him chuckling without a single ounce of sincerity behind it. 

“My useless God has requested me for another consult because apparently he still doesn’t quite get how to do his job yet,” Rei says. “Or he’s trying to feel me up again.”

“And you didn’t even get the opportunity to close your eyes for five seconds,” Kuya remarks. “What a shame. Reciprocating his advances is always an option, by the way.”

“No it’s not.”

He doesn’t hide the way he watches Rei start to retrieve his clothes, he never does. Kuya takes in the rest of his naked form, slender yet full in the places that his hands could easily rest on. The only thing that remained that Rei didn’t take off during their frenzy was his necklace, the one that held the ring Kuya had gifted to him a while back. 

Rei could whine and complain all he wanted with harsh words and threats, but he still made sure to keep the ring close to his chest, right where his heart beats.

Maybe Kuya was reading too much into it, or maybe, he did have some sort of special place in Rei’s heart in this convoluted way. 

Each time he saw Rei’s ring still being worn, he couldn’t help but think about a future where marriage is involved. There was no point in investing in such a silly daydream though — especially when Rei had no wishes to ever get married. Kuya couldn’t quite picture a future without Rei though. They’ve been by each other’s side for years, after all. 

Even if Kuya wanted to marry Rei, he knew it would never happen anyways. 

Rei must have sensed something since he gives Kuya one last look before coming over to dip down and kiss him goodbye. He doesn’t respond when Kuya teases him for the unusual sudden display of affection, giving him nothing more than a disapproving squint before heading out the door.

The moments they’ve had with one another were mostly brief glances from across the room, sitting at the cafeteria together only to be ignored as Rei was busy trying to get caught up on work. Everytime Kuya tried to offer a conversation starting point, all he would receive were grunts and “uh huh” as he busied himself with other things, like suturing up a banana and complaining the texture just wasn’t right.

It was only when they were in the privacy of the on-call room did Rei give him his full focus for about twenty minutes max until he inevitably got paged. So as one does, they made the most out of those twenty minutes as best as they could.

When Rei deemed it fit to allow Kuya to return home on his own, they went back to how things were before. It was hard to adjust even though it's only been a few days of having Rei barely near his vicinity. 

This kind of attachment was a bit concerning.

He’s finally done with the finishing touches on his collection and they were scheduled for a viewing in about a week or so. Kuya would have finished earlier had he not been forced to wander the hospital halls all day, but that’s beside the point.

Now that he’s done for the night, at this time, Rei should be home already. Kuya, for once, actually felt good about the tasks he has completed today. He makes sure to text Rei, letting him know that he should be arriving soon before stepping inside his car. 

The drive took a while because Kuya could feel a headache forming from overuse of one eye, a subtle signifier that a bad migraine was forming. To make matters worse, he couldn’t find the glasses he tended to use to drive during night time. He ended up having to pay for a ride back as he planned to pick up his car the next day when it’s bright out.

When he steps inside, Rei was nowhere to be found but Kuya could see his boots were here, carelessly thrown around like usual. Closing his eyes tight just to give his vision another moment of rest, Kuya leans down to pick up his boots and put them back in an organized manner. 

He doesn’t announce that he’s home — Rei would be able to pick up on the front door opening anyway — and instead, quickly changes out of his clothes into something more comfy. It was in a rushed manner, letting his hand take whatever it falls on, and once he’s tossed his old clothes into the basket, Kuya lays himself down in their bed, trying to ward off the unpleasant migraine cursing him at this time.

What intended to be just a rest for his eyes ended up turning into a short nap. His migraine was still present, but at least it was at a manageable level where he could tolerate it. Kuya checks the time. Dinner was approaching and he knew very well Rei had probably forgotten to eat again. 

So with that, Kuya got up and went to the kitchen.

It’s quite laughable that he’s the one to prepare meals for them both daily, especially when Kuya wasn’t really much of a cook until he started living with Rei. He was accustomed to having his meals served to him instead, after all. But Kuya had decided to take a tiny step back from a noble life, especially when it was a restricting environment for someone as free-spirited as him. 

It’s a shocker that Rei came from aristocracy himself, given how rugged he is now. One would assume he’d have spoiled tastes and in a way, Rei still does, but he tends to settle for less. His definition of a perfect, luxurious meal consists of white rice with an egg on top and soy sauce mixed in with the rest, sesame seeds sprinkled on top if he was feeling extra special that day. Otherwise, most of his everyday meals consist of coffee or a meal-replacement drink — easy, ready to go ‘meals’ that Rei could just grab and move on. If he felt like he wanted to waste time, he’d prepare to hard-boil multiple eggs and live off of one per day. As if one pathetic little thing was enough to last him an entire day.

Naturally, Kuya had to take care of their meals. 

Kuya knocks on the door to the study, calling out that he’s coming in — only to find the door was… locked. He knocks on the door again to get Rei to let him inside, hoping for once Rei would comply because he was too worn out to deal with anything at the moment, but no response. He sighs as he sets the food on the ground and goes to look for his bag to retrieve his lock picks. 

Rei must be engrossed in whatever he was doing for him to at least not shout out a response back. When Kuya feels the tension wrench giving way, he pulls away. Picking up the plate, Kuya pushes the door open.

Instantly, he gets hit with the strong smell of antiseptic and chemicals invading his senses. When he looks up to find Rei, he freezes.

Rei was sprawled on the floor with syringes and empty broken vials that had rolled off the table, sharp shards scattered around his body. A few of them had already sliced Rei’s skin during the fall, it seems like, and yet, he doesn’t move.

It dawns on Kuya that today was the first day of his so-called freedom to continue his self-experimentations. 

Kuya digs his nails into the bottom of the plate. He shoves Rei’s dinner to the table, not caring whatever instrument or glass vial he might have accidentally broken. Kuya pushes the sharp glass away from Rei with his bare hands, the sharps ripping into his own skin was barely even noticeable as he examined Rei.

All logic seemed to have been thrown out of the window as his first instinct was to shake Rei awake, but he was unresponsive. He lifts him up, but Rei’s entire weight flops uselessly in his hold. 

Like he was dead.

He tried to check for breathing, but the loud incomprehensible noise in his mind was overbearing. Kuya couldn’t think, hear, or feel for a pulse. 

“You’re such a fucking idiot, Rei,” Kuya hisses out, emotions raw as he tosses eloquence aside while he tries to position Rei onto his side to protect his airway. He looks around for a phone and spots Rei’s on the ground. 

Kuya had enough clarity to think about who he should call. The paramedics were an obvious choice, but if more unrelated people got wind of Rei’s questionable research, he might never get the chance to do what he loves again, even if Kuya so desperately wished for Rei to stop right now.

Rei would most likely be taken to a rehabilitation center or a facility, and Kuya wasn’t sure if he himself could live with that. It was the most logical and ‘safest’  solution, but he had lived and been transferred around these kinds of facilities all of his adolescent years. They weren’t effective.

(Kuya wasn’t sure if he could manage living on his own for an indefinite amount of time until Rei came back, either.)

Before the chief — the old man — came, Kuya had already popped another diazepam. When he saw Rei’s own prescription bottle right next to his, his eyes had narrowed at the empty container. Kuya handed Rei’s prescription bottle over as the old man spent no time dropping his equipment to the floor and taking a good look at Rei. 

Kuya could hear the old man muttering to himself about bad habits and young naivety as he examined him. He goes through his mental check list once he confirmed airway is clear — his breathing, circulation, checking his reflexes, and observing the scene around him. The old man sees that underneath his pants were not only injection marks, but stitches littered all over his body.

“Interrupted, running, mattress, subcuticular sutures… he’s practicing all of them,” the old man mutters. He looks at Rei’s desk and lets out a sigh. His voice was mixed with fury and sadness, “He’s mistaken his own humanity for a cadaver.”

Kuya himself couldn’t respond. His emotions have gone blunt, the environment around him seemed so distant. His migraine was ringing in his head, begging him to close his eyes, but Kuya continued staring.

“The medication combination puts his respiratory rate at risk — he needs medical intervention—”

“He’s not going to the hospital,” Kuya snaps quickly.

“That boy can easily slip away right before our eyes if we continue this discussion.”

“So what I’m hearing is, you don’t think you’re capable enough to handle this yourself?” Kuya laughs bitterly. “Would you allow someone you’ve known since he was a child to be taken care of by one of your useless doctors? How heartless of you.”

“I’ll be overseeing his care, of course. At the hospital, there would be monitors, oxygen, and all sorts of other equipment that I do not have in hand.”

“Let’s say there is a scenario where I’d allow for it to happen. We have him as a patient, then what? The administration will take note of his actions. His career will be at risk.” Kuya crosses his arms and sighs pitifully. “It’s quite a surprise that after pushing Rei all this time to work on getting certified for your selfish gain, you’re simply just going to let him lose his internship. If not his career, his reputation would be in shambles.”

Kuya picks up a stray shard of glass, noting the cut he accidentally made on his hand from earlier. He points it over at the old man’s direction and smiles, though it was lifeless. 

“Treat him here and no one has to know anything about what has transpired. If official medical intervention is what Rei would have wanted, he wouldn’t have stocked up on supplies for everything one would need in a hospital and I would have not phoned you. Everything is behind you. On your left.”

Referring to Rei with past tense felt… strange on his tongue.

The old man opens his mouth to protest but his gaze softens when he looks at Rei, the tension that filled the room had gone quieter — not yet gone, but enough for things to get going.

Setting Rei down in bed, their room was eventually set up and ready for monitoring. As the old man adjusted the IV stand, he breaks the silence, “The injection site indicates that Rei has been conducting these experiments on himself for a while. It is hidden up over his inner thighs, an area that no one else would be able to catch. But you would.”

Kuya didn't respond, his eyes closed as he held his finger up above his nose bridge, combating the migraine from his strain. 

“This entire time, you have known he was playing with his own life and you’ve done nothing but watch him. You’ve been complicit,” the old man says. “Continuing to let him do this just shows me that you’re no good for that boy—”

When he glances at Kuya, who had opened his eyes to look at Rei’s unconscious form, he stops immediately. He let out a deep exhale, whatever frustrations the old man had left in his body had vanished the minute he saw Kuya’s expression. 

“Rei would be aware of drug interactions and metabolism — he’s not foolish. That boy has subjected himself to such procedures before, purposefully inducing seizures and whatnot, but never to the point where he has lost all awareness. He has an understanding in pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics greater than most. But each measured dose had intent — it’s personal, something more than mere curiosity.”

“My med is doing wonders compared to your poor attempt in consoling me,” Kuya replies bluntly. “Ibuprofen would help me better than this.”

“You and Rei are both prescribed diazepam, are you not?”

“We are.”

The old man glances over at Rei, taking account of any subtle reactions, like tiny twitches or his chest rising unevenly. “In other parts of the world, the drug he’s taken has been widely accepted as a treatment for clinical depression — especially with those who are resistant to traditional medicine. Though, why he would ever need to combine it with diazepam, that is beyond me.”

Kuya’s lips thinned as he slipped into his side of the bed and closed his eyes once more. Picking up on Kuya’s unwillingness to engage, the old man nods and informs him to let him know if anything seems off.

The very thing about geniuses, Kuya had come to realize, was that they were more susceptible to bodily harm than the most ignorant man known to mankind. Some underestimate others, some overestimate their own humanity simply because they believe they know how to keep everything under control.

Rei was neither of these.

He knew of his humanity, he just didn’t act like it. Rei was fully aware of the consequences, purposefully leaving himself in a state where he was teetering over the edge of slipping away in front of Kuya yet still remaining stable. No person who overestimated their humanity would know the line that separated them from life and death. Rei did.

Rei was the kind of genius to be wary of.

This was no different from the way he lived. Rei didn’t care for indulgence as much. He didn’t care to fully provide himself enough food to last through the day comfortably, nor did he care to rest just enough for his body to barely keep himself moving. Rei had only been giving himself “just enough” to keep going.

Just like how he administered the drug “just enough” without having himself fall off the deep end.

Any sort of intervention Kuya could think of wouldn’t work on someone who intellectualizes every little thing. It was difficult to help someone who fully believed he did not need help, let alone difficult to even convince him there was an underlying problem to begin with. Rei would trust his own awareness of behavior more than a trained professional who barely knew anything about him other than the few bits of information that Rei may willingly share. 

Rei might not even share everything.

While Rei didn’t die, the memory of his motionless body on the floor haunts him. After all this, he’s just going to do it again.

Kuya didn’t want to be around when the time came.

He had been by his bedside until Rei had finally woken up. The old man explained what had happened. Out of courtesy, he also had continued Rei’s little research while he was knocked out, jotting down his vitals and such for Rei to read over later. 

Rei kept asking the old man for Kuya.

Kuya could hear him while he stayed in the living room, and he did nothing but stare off into the distance. He has not slept the entire time while Rei was unconscious. His head was unbearable at this point, his vision was deteriorating every second Kuya stayed awake. But the pain he has unintentionally inflicted to his eye and head was the only thing keeping him afloat at the moment. It was the only thing he could hold on to.

When the old man deemed Rei as stable, he packed up his things and began to leave, stopping when he spotted Kuya.

“The more you stay awake, the more muscle strain you will be putting in your only working eye. Having more vision problems than you already have is something that should be avoided.”

“It would be a treat, wouldn’t it? To not have to see an unkempt old man right before me,” Kuya grins. 

“Avoiding your partner at this time isn’t going to do the both of you any good. While he’s stable, he’s still rather disoriented and needs time to adjust. Hold your frustrations for a while until he’s no longer fragile.”

“Do you not have an actual hospital to manage on your own?”

Sighing, the old man closes the door behind him. 

A minute passes and Kuya still hasn’t moved from his spot, not even shifting his position even just slightly. Five minutes and he has already immersed himself back into intense, throbbing pain in his head, lost and overwhelmed by the lights in the living room crowding his sight. At some point, he stopped counting.

Kuya forced himself up, directing himself to the front door, taking only his keys on the way. When he had his hand on the handle, as soon as he was about to open it, he hears,

“Don’t leave.” 

Rei’s voice was soft and small, yet it was firm enough to have Kuya completely stop in his tracks. 

He doesn’t turn to face him. “It’s best if I take my business elsewhere for the time being. Until you can at least have the strength to stand your ground while I say and do things to you so you won’t break — in fact, the prospect of doing so is tempting.”

“But I need you.”

His response wasn’t something logical, like how Kuya was in no state to wander outside when he was already struggling to walk around their own living space without bumping into anything. Rei didn’t snap at him, demanding why Kuya would leave him at a time like this. Instead, it was a plea, a vulnerable request that came from the heart. 

Against his will, Kuya’s expression went gentle.

He doesn’t turn around to show it, however. “If I can tolerate a bit of distance from you despite needing you myself, then you most certainly can too.” 

“At least sleep for a while before heading out and let your eye rest.”

Kuya doesn’t respond immediately. Rei didn’t dare to break the silence but he could sense his hand reaching out behind him when Kuya’s hand tightened around the door handle.

“You may have not died, but you felt dead in my arms,” Kuya’s words cut between the both of them. “You didn’t move at all, you were lifeless, unresponsive to my touch. I couldn’t hear or feel your breathing through whatever fog that had clouded my senses. You were dead in my eyes. I had basically lost you until someone else came.”

“I was just sedated — not dead. There is a difference and I had it under control. You act like death was the result I’m looking for — it’s not — I’m surveying all possible corners.”

His voice was filled with irritation but as he spoke, a thin line of panic was starting to emerge. Rei’s eyes flicked away, then quieter, “…You shouldn’t have had to carry me, though.”

“‘Shouldn’t have?’ Oh? Are you under the impression that I had wanted to cradle you like a corpse? That I enjoyed feeling your weight go slack against me as if you had already lost all of that precious little life you’ve been playing with?”

“You’re overreacting — you’re allowing fear dictate your perception of what had happened—”

Grabbing Rei’s shoulder, he forces him against the wall. The pressure was not enough to injure him, not yet at least, but it was enough for Rei’s breath to hitch. Kuya brought the pointed end of his key to his neck, nearly piercing into delicate skin if he pushed harder. He pressed deep enough, the promise of restricting airflow completely right in front of Rei’s eyes.

Yet this was the calmest Rei has been so far.

“Is it fear that you see? Or is it the fact that I simply cannot stand witnessing you in such a state? That I no longer want to be an anchor for a man who continues to wander off to the edge just to measure the fall?” Kuya asks him, voice low and measured. “There is a time where I would willingly bargain with death to negotiate for your heart, but if wishing for you to stay alive is too difficult for you to bear, then you are no longer mine to want.”

Kuya’s vision blurs for a moment, not from his racing heart, but the lights that filled the room burning into his eye. The room tilts, his sense of balance wavering. The outline of Rei started to seem faint as everything was spinning. Like he became a ghost. What a cruel joke.

Then the room suddenly goes dark and a hand holds him steady. As soon as he feels himself being led somewhere, Kuya moves. 

The both of them tumble down, and Kuya finds himself laying flat on the floor. Rei held himself up above him, his eyes determined. “Let me get you to bed.”

“Get off of me.”

“And what? You’re going to try to walk out of here like this? I told you that I needed you here. You’re not leaving.”

“No matter the circumstances, it’s always about what you require of me. But never what I need from you.”

“I don’t care—” Rei pins his head down to the floor when Kuya tries to get up. “I’m not letting you leave me.”

“If I rest, I’ll still be walking out afterwards.”

Rei chuckles dryly. “You’re not leaving me.”

It’s strange how Rei keeps going on and on about Kuya leaving him right now as if he himself wasn’t constantly one foot out the door. Every single day felt like Kuya was holding onto him by a nimble little rope, pulling him back into his world. Whether Rei would still be alive after falling or not, it didn’t matter. He’s tired of pulling.

Because no matter what happens after, no matter how many times he had threatened his life, aimed for his neck, or pleaded for him to cease his research, Rei didn’t waver. 

Seeing Rei laying unconscious on the floor — his body nearly akin to a cadaver — marrying him would mean Kuya would secure himself to his mockeries of human life until the day either of them passes. He could never marry him, yet he couldn’t find himself to fight his way out of his grasp.

Wishing for him to never leave and subjecting him to such a display is the most selfish need yet. And with Rei verbalizing such raw desire instead of hiding behind a thick guard or thinly veiled snark, this meant that this was coming straight from the heart. 

“If you leave—” Rei grits out as his hand claws into Kuya’s scalp. “—then all this would have been done for nothing. You’re not leaving me.”

Kuya turns his head to the side, gazing up at the light switch that Rei had turned off. 

Then, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he allows himself to be pulled up.

Rei tilts his head up to drop a few artificial tears in his eye the moment he wakes up. All the lights in the apartment had been turned off, which Kuya had insisted was unnecessary but of course, Rei did as he pleased as always. And yet he allowed him to keep doing so.

He really is chained to the most vile man to live.

“I should’ve allowed you to get taken away when I had the chance,” Kuya mutters.

Kuya sees Rei inching closer as he only hums in response, dropping the matter quite quickly for someone who makes it his life mission to be the biggest heartache he had ever experienced yet. 

“The mere thought of you ceasing to exist in this world serves more comfort than the constant reminder that you’re willingly surrendering the remnants of your life to death itself,” he spits out. 

Yet the hand doesn’t let go of the side of his face. Rei keeps his head secure in his grasp, delicately holding him but enough to guide, like his touch was temptation itself, drawing Kuya closer to instability despite every rational thought he had in his mind.

“You held a weapon up to my neck. You were restricting my ability to breathe,” Rei notes softly. “I would have let it happen.”

Every step Rei took, his mortality lingered amongst his shadow and he allowed it — commanded it — to only follow behind him, never next to him and never letting it claim him. The only time he would ever let death consume him, was if it was Kuya directing death himself.

Utterly foolish.

“Do not reduce your dignity to such a pedestrian undoing of your life,” Kuya whispers. 

“Then tell me—” Rei swipes his thumb over his bottom lip. His face does not give away any of his thoughts, his expressions measured and controlled. “—what kind of death do you have in mind for me?”

The most Kuya gives him is a raised brow, yet his chest felt both light and heavy. It was a familiar sensation, one that he welcomed even when his instincts told him to reject it. The air he breathed in and out was like it was contained, an urge that was forcibly condensed into his lungs. 

He doesn’t give much thought in his decision when he pulls Rei down to share this air together.

“Get rid of those absurd stitches on your legs,” was the first thing Kuya said against his shoulder. “I’m the one who has to deal with your hideous needle marks and I don’t want to have another unflattering sight right before me.”

Whatever kind of dreamy fog Rei was in immediately clears out at his words. He shuts his eyes and lets out an annoyed sigh into the pillow. “I’ll have to take them off eventually to make room to practice more sutures.”

“Or make use of the skin pads, animal meat, or the various fruits the program supplies you already.”

“None of those can simulate the way the muscles shift from tension or how live skin tissue responds to the procedure.”

“Frankly, I do not care. They’re ugly.”

“If you’re complaining so much, then let me practice on you.”

“Do you think I’m interested in something that’ll make me look grotesque?”

“Are you afraid a few stitches will undo your beauty or whatever? You must be already ugly to begin with if that’s the case.”

Kuya’s brow twitched. He certainly didn’t hold such an opinion during the last two hours. “Do what you want with my skin and continue your ethically ambiguous practices if you please, but if you are ever in the position as you were eight hours ago, I will not hesitate to throw out every single thing you own in the study out in a dumpster that you will never find.”

That seems to get Rei to lift his head back up. “You wouldn’t dare to do that again.”

“If you believe I am not beyond taking such measures, then you truly do not know me.”

After a second, Rei lowers his head back down. “…fine.”

This was the compromise Kuya will settle with as long as he isn’t teased with the idea of death — of being left behind again, even if it was a bit ridiculous. He’s proposed a lot of compromises with Rei over the years, although against his will. But this time, Rei willingly yields. He finally agreed to restrict himself from his pursuit of knowledge for him. 

And just like him, Rei would propose compromises of his own, which Kuya would sometimes reluctantly accept not for his own sake, but Rei’s. That is what surrendering yourself to a person is like, Kuya supposes. 

To love a person is to trade your own freedom for the illusion of connection after all.