Chapter Text
Caelus’s grip tightened on his suitcase. There was no turning back now. Spica University probably wasn’t that impressive of a college, but it was the only one Caelus had seen in person, so it seemed just as intimidating as he’d imagined.
The plan was simple. He’d get to his dorm, unpack, and pretend to take a nap before anyone had the chance to question him. If anyone asked why he’d arrived a week later than everyone else, he’d say he was sick. That was technically true, although he’d prefer to leave out the fact he’d spent the last week throwing up from anxiety alone.
He should have come earlier in the day, when everyone was still in class. Now he’d have to figure out how to introduce himself to his roommates. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too crowded. Caelus had chosen this college specifically because the dorms looked moderately more livable than everywhere else, not that he’d admit that readily.
Caelus made his way to the boys’ dorms—he had never understood why they were split by gender, but whatever, that’s just how the world worked—and found the room he’d been assigned. Room 19, the same as his age. He paused. This was it, he couldn’t put it off any longer, he’d have to socialize and interact with his roommates like a normal person. Roommates he could hear having an… argument? Through the door.
“For the last time, I did not eat your nonfat greek yogurt! You’re the only one who even likes that stuff!” The first voice sounded exasperated, like they’d had this conversation multiple times already.
The second voice was softer and slightly stuttery, and Caelus could only barely make out the words. “Maybe she just ate it when she was sleepy and forgot?”
Then there was the third voice. This one sounded like a girl? Maybe someone’s girlfriend had come to visit. She sounded a little embarrassed, like she knew the second voice’s theory was probably accurate. “Fine, I’ll drop it. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you, okay?”
Okay, no more reason to stall. If he eavesdropped any longer, even he’d find himself creepy. Caelus unlocked the door and pushed it open. “Um, hi.”
As usual, his voice came out a lot more low and rough than he intended, but his new roommates seemed to hear him fine. A girl with pink hair and a pink-and-blue dress bounded over to him, tripped, braced herself on the wall, and tried to play it off like it didn’t happen. “Hi!!! You must be the new roomie! What’s your name?”
“March, you’re scaring him.” Before Caelus could react, the owners of the other two voices followed behind the pink girl. The second voice, a timid boy with long silver hair and glasses, stepped forward and gently pushed pink girl to the side while extending a hand to Caelus. “Sorry about that. I’m Sam. This is March 7th and Silver Wolf. We’ll be your roommates from now on, so get used to us.”
“Um, Caelus. Caelus Yang.” Caelus shook hands with Sam, whose grip was a lot weaker than he’d expected. Caelus did a double take as what he’d just heard sank in. “Wait, no way those are their real names?”
Silver Wolf, the short guy with the oversized hoodie and blue highlights, snickered. He must have been the first voice. “Silver Wolf’s my screen name, but that’s the only thing you’ll be calling me, got it?”
“But that’s a mouthful, so you can just say Wolfie!” March 7th chimed in. She said Wolfie in a singsong tone, as if she found the word fun to say. “Oh, and you can call me March! Chose it myself ‘cause, well… You can guess why they put me in the guys’ dorm.” Despite her cheery tone, a tinge of sadness slipped through on that last part.
“Oh, uh… Sorry about that.” Caelus mumbled awkwardly. March wasn’t the first trans person Caelus had met, and he’d even done some research on the subject himself—just simple curiosity, nothing more. If anything, he was glad he didn’t have to deal with those issues himself.
“Ah, don’t worry about all that!” March perked up instantly. She shook Caelus’s hand as well, and contrasting Sam, March put entirely too much effort into it. “Nice to meet you, Caelus! Make yourself at home!”
Hearing it out of someone else’s mouth, Caelus couldn’t help but think that he had never liked his name. It was too clunky and boring. Even Silver Wolf sounded better. But names were just a necessity anyway, they weren’t supposed to mean anything.
Looking around, his new living space consisted of a decently spacious common area, with one part sectioned off as a kitchen, and three doors, one of which was decorated with pink and green flower stickers.
“Me and Sam have the room on the left,” March gestured to the flowery door, “and you’ll be with Wolfie on the right! Bathroom’s in the middle. If you need anything, just ask!”
“Right. Uh, I should probably get unpacked. No need to help.” Caelus inwardly cringed at how quickly he was excusing himself from the conversation. He didn’t want to be rude, he just hadn’t spoken to another human face-to-face in months.
“Yeah, I said that too…” Silver Wolf sighed, making his way toward his and now Caelus’s room and motioning for the latter to follow. “And I won’t force you to go through what I did. Come on, before March drags you into one of her group bonding activities. Ew.”
The room was rather empty, with two beds on opposing sides. Silver Wolf’s side had an expensive-looking PC gaming setup, with far too many monitors than what must have been necessary. Other than that, there was a mirror on the door, a shared closet, and not much else.Caelus tossed his suitcase onto the bed he assumed was his. There wasn’t much to unpack, just his laptop and a few clothes, so he resigned himself to his duty. Silver Wolf fidgeted with the sleeve of his hoodie. He had that sort of “I’m pretending not to care but I actually care too much” look that Caelus was all too familiar with himself.
Caelus shoved his clothes haphazardly into the closet. Silver Wolf’s wardrobe seemed to be quite similar to his own, almost entirely consisting of hoodies and sweatpants, only in blues and greys rather than blacks and yellows. Sensing a likely fellow basement-dweller, Caelus turned back with his best attempt at a smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t get in your way. You need space, just say the word.”
“Oh, uh– Thanks.” Silver Wolf let out a breath he must have been holding for a while, running a hand through his hair nervously. It was somewhat long in a way that showed he probably just couldn’t be bothered to get it cut, but the dyed blue streaks implied he must have had some kind of pride in it. “It’s loud enough already, so adding a new player would’ve been a pain. But you’re chill. That’s cool.”
“Cool, right.” Caelus cleared his throat, unsure how to take what some may have considered to be compliment-adjacent. He couldn’t remember the last time he had received one. Except from his online friend Philia, but she was like that to everyone. “Yeah, that’s me.”
Silver Wolf proved easy to get along with. He never opened up much, but that suited Caelus just fine, as he didn’t like to talk about himself either. They actually had quite a lot in common, especially in regard to gaming taste. After a few days, Silver Wolf was already calling him “My man!” after they barely scraped together a win in bronze-rank League of Legends. Caelus had no thoughts about that nickname whatsoever.
Caelus spent most of his free time doomscrolling in their room, listening to Silver Wolf shout into his mic at someone he called “Sparky” who seemed to be messing with him intentionally. Silver Wolf sometimes kicked Caelus out for a few hours in the evening, to which he willingly obliged. He initially assumed it was just so Silver Wolf could goon, but based on his setup it was easy enough for Caelus to gather he was probably some kind of niche streamer.
As laid-back as Silver Wolf tried to come off as, the ever-present mask of snark and irony made it impossible for Caelus to tell what he was really thinking. At least he seemed to speak more freely when it came to talking about his interests, which Caelus found… endearing? No, that sounded far too sappy. Caelus was just happy to have a bro to chill with.
Apparently, Silver Wolf was studying programming in the hopes of someday publishing his own game. Caelus could see the appeal. Although he didn’t have much faith in his own abilities, Philia had encouraged him to go into creative writing after he’d apparently been helpful in co-writing her fanfiction. Not that he’d ever admit that last part, but there was something satisfying in creating something new and putting it out into the world.
“Hey, that’s cool. I never got all that nerdy stuff.” Silver Wolf kicked back on the living room couch, taking a sip from his blue Monster energy drink. Caelus wasn’t sure a computer science major should be commenting on what’s “nerdy,” but he was in no position to argue. “If you’re good, maybe I’ll hire you for my game.”
“Sounds good to me. Guess you must be loaded to afford that gaming setup.” Caelus had an entire jar of pickles in front of him as the TV played one of Sam’s anime. He technically wasn’t allowed to eat those in the living room because March hated the smell, but March wasn’t home right now. “Unless you got it all illegally, and that’s why you’re going by Silver Wolf.”
“I’m borrowing Caelus for a sec.” Sam cut in before Silver Wolf could respond. In a surprising show of strength, he grabbed Caelus by the arm and dragged him into his and March’s shared room. It was well-decorated, largely in pastel pinks and greens, much more cohesive than Caelus and Silver Wolf’s room. Caelus didn’t have much time to take it in before Sam pinned him to the wall and shit, he was close. “Rule number one of this dorm. You do not ask about Wolfie’s name, or their past. Got it?”
“Y-yeah.” Caelus’s voice came out a pitch higher than he’d intended. Sam usually seemed so quiet and soft-spoken, but there was a fire in his eyes Caelus hadn’t noticed until now. “Yes, sir. No inquiring about the mysterious backstory.”
“Good.” Sam backed away, looking slightly embarrassed as Caelus took a breath to steady himself. “Rule number two of this dorm. Never call me that again. It’s… cringe.”
“Duly noted.” Caelus nodded. “Anything else I should know?”
Sam looked him dead in the eyes. “March is going to kill you if anything outside your room smells like pickles.”
Somehow, Caelus ended up speaking to Sam a lot more after that. March was the only one of them who actually seemed to enjoy socializing, which meant Sam usually had their room to himself. He’d turned it into a sort of budget artist’s studio, countless sketches and concept art pinned to a bulletin board on the wall. Most of it seemed to be inspired by mecha anime and tokusatsu, the latter of which Sam was overjoyed that Caelus recognized. Caelus only knew about it because his dad was into a lot of the same things, but he offered to watch a few things with Sam, which was met with excited agreement.
“See, I’ve always wanted to make a comic!” Sam explained as he showed Caelus his latest character designs. “Well, it was going to be a manga, but if it’s not produced in Japan I don’t know if it even counts? Hey, if Wolfie’s game doesn’t work out, maybe you can help edit the story?“
“I think you can call it whatever you want, dude.” Caelus giggled—no, he laughed very masculinely,—a drawing of a schoolgirl transforming into an armored knight catching his eye. “These designs are kind of awesome. How do you think of this stuff?”
“I had a lot of time.” Sam’s tone grew somber, as if recalling a bad memory. “I used to be pretty sick, so I couldn’t do much but bedrot all day. Imagining these worlds kept me going.”
“Ah, sorry about that…” Caelus once again cursed his lack of social skills. What was someone supposed to say in this situation? Quick, think of something vaguely inspiring. “If it’s any consolation, I’m sure any other kids like that would love to know their favorite artist went through something similar. My friend once told me the best feeling in the world is knowing you’re not alone.”
Sam was quiet for a moment, as if thinking it over. Then a soft, grateful smile returned to his lips. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Cae.”
Cae. The nickname shouldn’t have mattered. But Caelus couldn’t help but think it sounded just a little nicer than his actual name. Cute. He buried that notion quickly, along with his entirely nonexistent thoughts about how pretty Sam looked when he smiled.
March was a bit of a mystery. Caelus had never had much luck talking to girls, and March being trans didn’t seem to make her any less of an enigma. On the surface, she appeared to be a constant ray of sunshine, but sometimes that sweet smile didn’t seem to come naturally.
She was the first to check in with the others if anything was bothering them, but she only seemed to consistently get through to Sam. Silver Wolf refused to talk about himself as usual, and Caelus just didn’t know how. Nonetheless, March’s attempts to force a found-family dynamic within the group weren’t entirely wasted, and Caelus found himself looking to her as the sort of mom of the group.
Unlike Silver Wolf, March was eager to talk about her name. March 7th was her birthday, specifically her 18th birthday, the day she’d made a promise to be true to herself, no matter what. Caelus thought that was sweet. Then he thought about what name he’d choose for himself if he were a girl. He came up empty.
That was also why she had decided to go for a photography major. For years, she had refused to be in any photos, and even burned every trace of her old self online. Now, she wanted to preserve as many memories as possible as her authentic self.
The only time March would drop all pretenses of her happy-go-lucky attitude was when she had to get Sam to do her estrogen injections for her. Caelus didn’t know why she even took injections when she was so terrified of needles, but it was… No, it wasn’t cute. It was just a medical procedure.
“It’ll be easier if you quit squirming so much.” Sam sighed, although he didn’t sound particularly annoyed. Caelus could almost hear him smiling. “Just hold still for me. Close your eyes if you need to.”
“W-wait, I don’t think I can do this! It’ll be fine if we put it off a day, right?” March had ordered Caelus and Silver Wolf to clear out of the kitchen, but with the way she was whining, there wasn’t much left to the imagination. “Maybe I’ll just switch back to patches, or pills, or–”
From the living room, the sound of Sam capping the syringe and throwing it away could be heard faintly. “March, I already did it. You’re done.”
“O-oh.” March’s embarrassment was palpable. After a few seconds, she made an extremely half-hearted attempt to justify her nervousness. “O-ouchie…”
Caelus didn’t need to see what was going on to know Sam was rolling his eyes. “Do I need to kiss it better for you, princess?”
Silver Wolf snickered on the couch. He’d been so absorbed in some mobile game that Caelus had all but forgotten he was there. “They’re always like that. You’d think they’re dating, but March is definitely a lesbo.”
“I heard that!” March called from the kitchen, her defiance diluted by the way her voice was still trembling slightly. “We’ve been over this, I like guys! I’m straight!”
“I’ve learned her attack patterns. She’s easy to mess with.” Silver Wolf elbowed Caelus lightly before cupping his hands over his mouth like a makeshift megaphone. “Whatever you say, Miss yuri manga collection!”
“Excuse you!” March came around the corner, a bandage depicting a smiley face emoji visible on her thigh. “A girl can appreciate the beauty of lesbianism without being one herself!”
“Sure, sure.” Silver Wolf leaned in the same way as when he locked into a ranked match. “I’d forgotten how many straight girls talk about the ‘beauty of lesbianism.’”
“Well, I– You–” March crossed her arms defensively, seemingly at a loss. “You like it too!”
“That’s different.” Silver Wolf shrugged, seemingly entirely confident in his logic. “I’m not a girl, so I can’t be a lesbian.”
Sam appeared behind March, giggling softly to himself. “You’re two of a kind, you know that?”
“I’m nothing like him/her!” March and Silver Wolf shouted in unison. They seemed to be personally offended by the notion. Caelus couldn’t help but smile. Maybe this whole college thing wasn’t so bad.
Of course, that notion quickly vanished when it came to the actual classes. The workload was just as crushing as Caelus had expected, but at least he had a few classes with his dormmates to make things easier. Like now, he had the same foreign language class as Silver Wolf. He didn’t mind this one, since he could at least pick up some usable words for his writing. Even so, the lecture dragged on so long he almost found himself falling asleep. By the time it was over, everyone’s brain was so fried they could barely remember anything they’d learned.
“Thank god that’s over.” Silver Wolf stood up and stretched, earning a few satisfying pops from his lower back. He was always wearing an admittedly super cozy-looking pair of wrist warmers, the ones with the thumb holes Caelus had secretly always wanted to try on. Silver Wolf sometimes took off the right one to eat, but Caelus had never seen him without the left one. “I’m starving. Let’s get March to order a pizza or something.”
“Good idea. Just please, no pineapple this time…” Caelus made to start packing his bag, but was nearly startled out of his skin by someone tackle-hugging him from behind. “What the– Wait, Guinevere?”
“Caelus! It’s been too long, man!” A girl with fiery orange hair and a long ponytail was now about two inches from Caelus’s face. It’d been a while since he’d seen this smug grin, but it wasn’t something he’d easily forget. “If we’d known you’d be here, we’d have thrown you a welcome party!”
“Uh, no. You’d have TP’d my entire dorm while I was asleep.” Caelus backed up slightly, but he was happy to see his old friend again. Out of habit, he did a quick check around for any hidden cameras. None to be found, but he did spot a familiar sight in a green-haired girl in a fox-eared hoodie cowering shyly behind a sporty-looking girl with twintails.
“Guilty as charged.” Guinevere threw an arm around the sporty girl, Sushang’s shoulder. Sushang pretended to resist for a moment, but she couldn’t hide her smile. “But you were right about one other thing. Guess who finally confessed?”
“Hey, that’s great!” Caelus did feel a little proud of himself for calling this one. Guinevere and Sushang had had the most obvious crushes on each other for years, and the entire friend group had bet on whether they’d finally get together. “Guess Huohuo owes me twenty.”
“Fine, I’ll get it to you by… by Monday. I… I spent my allowance on plushies again.” The girl in the fox hoodie spoke so quietly she was difficult to understand, but Caelus had long grown used to it by now. “Also, um… Gui’s undercover, so you should call her… call her Guinaifen right now.”
“Oh, uh, sure?” Caelus nodded, understanding the situation. It made since for Guinevere—Guinaifen?—to want to hide her identity in a place like this, but given that her face was public, Caelus wasn’t sure of the practicality of it. “What about QQ? Has she made any progress?”
Guinaifen scoffed. “Not even close. She’s been getting Xuany to privately tutor her all week, and she still hasn’t made a move.”
“But anyone could have guessed that. Qingque’s got even less rizz than you.” Sushang kissed Guinaifen on the cheek, as if flexing own romantic aptitude. “Speaking of which, what about you and Miss Philia?”
“Dude, as if.” Caelus punched Sushang in the arm—lightly, or he’d feel bad. Sometimes he regretted mixing his online and offline friend groups. “She’s already in like, a twelve-person polycule. No room for me, obviously.”
“Boring. I’m starting to think you’re just aro.” Guinaifen stuck out her tongue playfully. “Anyway, we gotta get ready for another of Topaz’s parties. Except Huohuo, she’s scared of Aventurine. You should come sometime!”
As Guinaifen and Sushang headed out, Huohuo following close behind, Caelus turned his attention back to Silver Wolf. He’d been silent the entire time—not unusual, given his general dislike of people—but he now looked like he’d seen a ghost, his gaze locked on where Guinaifen had just walked out. After a long moment, he finally spoke. “Holy fuck, dude. You are not friends with the LilGuiGuinevere.”
Apparently, the revelation that Caelus was IRL friends with Silver Wolf’s favorite streamer and idol wasn’t enough to slow his quest for pizza. He had a bit of a one-track mind at times, which was… not cute at all. It was just an arbitrary trait.
Still, that didn’t stop Silver Wolf from calling Caelus a “traitor” for not informing him earlier, and a “fake gamer” for daring to have friends outside of the internet. They had met up with Sam and March after their last class of the day, and Silver Wolf was now talking their ears off on the way home about how “cool” and “inspiring” Guinaifen was.
“Sorry dude, she’s taken.” Caelus hoped it wasn’t too obvious how much he definitely did not enjoy listening to Silver Wolf talk. “If you tried anything, Sushang would beat your ass.”
“Please, I know better than that. She’s on a whole other level from us mortals. Besides, I’m not into…” Silver Wolf trailed off, as if expecting everyone to somehow know what he was on about. “You know.”
“That’s a new development.” Sam had a twinkle in his eye he only seemed to get when he was messing with Silver Wolf. “Guess all that stuff about March being gay was just projecting, huh?”
“Hey, I like girls. Only.” Silver Wolf retorted a little too quickly. “Besides, you’re one to talk.”
“I’m bi. That’s only like, fifty percent gay.” Sam shrugged. “So what kind of girls do you like, then? 2D ones?”
“I dunno.” Silver Wolf muttered, as if tuning out of the conversation. His attention was now fixated on his phone. “Girls like March, I guess.”
March stopped dead in her tracks. She turned around slowly to stare at Silver Wolf with a look of pure, unfiltered pity. Then she kept walking without a word. Caelus wasn’t sure what had just happened, but he knew it had to hurt. Sam seemed to be doing everything in his power not to burst out laughing. Silver Wolf solemnly pulled up his hood, accepting his fate.
As they came to the public bathrooms, March finally spoke. “Anyway, I gotta pee. Wait for me?”
“With how much juice you were chugging, I’m surprised you lasted this long.” Sam waved her along. “Go piss, girl.”
March nodded gratefully and excused herself. Sam watched her go, his expression unreadable, as if anticipating something. Caelus looked to Silver Wolf quizzically, only to see that he was doing the same. Finally, he turned his gaze back to March. Some guy with light brown hair and sunglasses was standing in front of her, blocking the way to the women’s restroom.
“Shit.” Sam cursed under his breath, although he didn’t sound surprised. He marched over to March—Caelus couldn’t bring himself to find that thought amusing—and stood in front of her protectively. “Leave her alone, Skott. Were you just waiting here? That’s hella creepy.“
“Hey, someone has to protect this sacred place of learning from people like you.” Skott’s voice was grating and nasally and what Caelus could only describe as punchable. His clothes looked ridiculously expensive, but he gave the impression of having never worked a day in his life. “This pink-haired freak is the real creep here. Unless he’s just delusional enough to think he could actually pass for a girl.”
March was frozen in place as if afraid to say a word. Sam was similarly quiet, and seemed to be analyzing the situation. But Silver Wolf looked ready to throw hands. Caelus had never seen him this serious. There wasn’t a single emotion besides contempt behind his eyes, as if he found Skott’s mere existence repulsive. If the situation escalated, Caelus would have to physically hold him back. “We’ll see if you pass for a human when I’m done with you.”
“What the hell is your problem?” Sam cut in, before Skott had a chance to process Silver Wolf’s threat. “She’s never done anything to you. Just let people be happy.”
“The fact you actually entertain these sick fantasies is proof enough that I can’t stand idly by.” Skott crossed his arms with a smirk like he thought he was winning some kind of debate. “Face it– All guys want to be girls, but that doesn’t mean we can have it. If you want a place in society, you have to grow out of these childish ideas and face reality.”
March looked to be on the verge of tears. Somehow, so did Silver Wolf. Sam was clearly trying his hardest not to lose his cool. Caelus had no idea what to think.
“And you, new guy.” Skott pointed accusatorily at Caelus. “Save yourself while you have the chance. The more time you spend with these degenerates, the more they’ll try to brainwash you with their twisted agenda.”
Caelus couldn’t explain why, but he felt like he’d just been punched in the gut. This wasn’t new, he’d seen this kind of inane rhetoric all the time on the internet. But something about being singled out like this, like he had the potential to be like that? It planted a seed of doubt in his mind he wished he had never known.
“S-sorry.” March’s voice was very quiet, but Caelus still noticed she seemed to have dipped into her lower range almost on reflex. She backed away slowly, as if afraid to turn her back, then started walking off in the direction of the dorms. “I’ll just go at home. Come on, guys.”
Skott nodded and followed behind, not sparing Skott another glance. Silver Wolf didn’t seem satisfied with not getting to beat this guy up, but he reluctantly followed suit. Caelus took one last look at Skott’s smug face. He wished he hadn’t.
The silence was deafening. March and Silver Wolf had locked themselves in their rooms, leaving Sam and Caelus to process the evening’s events in the living room. Caelus was pacing, as he often did when he was anxious, while Sam was laying on the couch staring up at the ceiling.
After far too long, Caelus finally realized there wasn’t a coherent thought inside his head. He felt like his brain had been scrambled and fried. Since clearly wasn’t doing anything productive, he sat down next to Sam on the couch. “Hey, you okay?”
“I’ve been better.” Sam looked exhausted, emotionally and physically. “I just hope March is okay…”
“She will be.” Caelus hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. “You really care about her, huh?”
“Of course I do.” Sam sat up, looking a little embarrassed at being called out directly. “It’s kinda dumb, we haven’t known each other long, but… she’s important to me. Wolfie too. And, uh, so are you. Which reminds me, how are you holding up?”
“Oh, um, thanks.” Caelus was never very good at reading social cues, but even he could sense there was a little more to what Sam had said than he let on. “I’m fine. Everything that guy said was nonsense, so there’s no reason to listen to him, right?”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Sam sighed. “I tell myself that a lot, but… when that ‘nonsense’ is so persistent, sometimes it’s hard to get it out of your head.”
“I guess being stuck with us isn’t making her feel any better.” Caelus had gotten used to it by now, but March really should have gotten the girls’ dorm she wanted. As usual, he was making things worse just by being there. “I wish there was something we could do to help. Like, to make her feel less alone? But it’s not like we can just sneak her into the girls’ dorms.”
“That’s… not a bad idea, actually.” Sam let out a nervous, breathless giggle. A plan seemed to be forming in his brain, although Caelus couldn’t imagine what. “Yeah, Wolfie’d definitely be into that. And you’d do anything to cheer up March, right?”
“Uh, sure?” Caelus raised an eyebrow. “What are we talking about again?”
“Sorry, can’t afford to overthink this.” Sam stood up abruptly. Caelus could see his hands trembling. “I’m going out. Back in an hour.”
“Dude, what?” Caelus was entirely bemused. “Are you going to fill me in?”
“Just trust me on this.” Sam was already throwing on a coat and heading out the door. Caelus almost tried to follow, but decided he definitely shouldn’t leave Silver Wolf alone with March given the circumstances. Sam called back one more time before shutting the door. “And tell Wolfie to order a pizza with their own damn money!”
That, he could do. Caelus knocked on the door to his room as lightly as he could, but the sound of Silver Wolf falling off the bed could still clearly be heard. A moment later, the sound of Silver Wolf unlocking the door. Caelus slowly eased it open. “Hey, you alright?”
“I’m fine.” Silver Wolf had his hood up with his hair obscuring his face, but his tone made it clear he was speaking through gritted teeth. The lights were off, but Caelus could still tell by the silhouette on Silver Wolf’s bed that he had stolen all of Caelus’s blankets to create a sort of nest to hide in. “What do you want?”
“Sam told me to tell you to order a pizza.” Caelus flicked on the light, paying no mind to the way Silver Wolf recoiled like some kind of gamer vampire, and took a seat on his now-blanketless bed. “But more importantly, I’m worried about you. You don’t even rage at League this hard.”
“Why the hell would you worry about someone like me? You barely know me.” Silver Wolf returned to his blanket-nest as if taking shelter from the light.
“That’s ‘cause you won’t let me know you. You’re my friend, dude.” Caelus wasn’t exactly sure where this was coming from, but it sounded right. He had never considered himself a caring person, but he had to admit that he felt more at home in this messy dorm than he ever had anywhere else. “We don’t have to talk, just go along with whatever Sam’s planning when he gets back. He said you’d be ‘into it.’”
“Fine, if it’s for March. This better not be some girly shit.“ Silver Wolf scoffed, then fell silent for a long while. “...You’re way too nice, you know that? Someone’s gonna take advantage of that.”
“I said that before. I have this friend who’s super nice to everyone, even when they don’t deserve it.” Caelus had always felt a little weird talking about Philia. The unwavering kindness that had saved him and surely many others was simply second nature to her. Caelus often wondered if he could ever be like that someday. “She told me she knew people would think she had ulterior motives, or try to manipulate her, or whatever. But she didn’t care. She said it was still worth it to be kind. I don’t know how true that is, but I kind of like it.“
“Ugh, didn’t I just say no girly shit?” Silver Wolf hid his face in the blankets, making it impossible to gauge his expression. “Just shut up already, will you? But… you can stay, I guess.”
So he did. They sat together in silence for what felt like forever. Until Sam threw open the door, hyperventilating like he’d run all the way home, holding up a shopping bag triumphantly. “Who’s ready for a girls’ night?”
“Oh my god, what did I just say about–” Silver Wolf fell silent as Sam dumped the contents of the bag onto Caelus’s bed. “What the fuck, dude.”
It took Caelus a moment to register what he was seeing. He reached out and felt the fabric. It was soft, like a feather. Then it hit him. Sam had just gone out and bought three skirts. Long, grey, probably the first ones he’d seen in the store. They didn’t seem to match March’s wardrobe at all.
“They’re, uh– They’re for us.” Sam’s smile was especially shaky, and he looked incredibly nervous, although Caelus couldn’t imagine why given that this was his idea in the first place. He seemed to be in a rush to explain himself and justify his purchase. “Like you said, we can’t exactly put March in the girls’ dorms, so let’s just make this a girls’ dorm! J-just for tonight, of course.”
“Seriously? No way I’m wearing that.” Silver Wolf backed away to the far edge of his bed as if the sight of the skirts somehow scared him. “I-I’ll look ridiculous, I’m not built for it! A-and my legs are hairy!”
“Just put it on over your pants or something, nobody cares. I-I’m not exactly happy about this either!” Sam didn’t sound at all confident in that last part. “Just do it for March, please? You too, Cae?”
“I– Um. Sure. I guess.” Caelus held up one of the skirts, his mouth feeling suddenly dry. He couldn’t really wear this, right? It wasn’t meant for him. He wasn’t allowed. But… he couldn’t say for certain that he didn’t want to try. “Okay. Just, uh– Nobody else will know about this, right?”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t mind keeping these around though, they are pretty comfy…” Sam trailed off, then seemed to realize what he’d just said. “I mean, they look comfy! I haven’t tried them on or anything. Obviously.”
“I… Fine. But only ‘cause I’ll pull it off way better than you two. And if a word of this gets out, I’ll kill you all.” Silver Wolf grumbled, snatching up one of the skirts and fumbling hard trying to pull it up over his legs. “How the hell do you get this thing on anyway?”
“Unzip the zipper first, obviously.” Sam sighed, showing Silver Wolf exactly what to do. “And you’re wearing it too low. It should be a little higher, like over your stomach.”
Caelus followed Sam’s instructions as best he could. He had to admit, the skirt was comfy. The way the fabric fell around his legs fell so natural and right. He was tempted to spin around once, just to watch it flare up around him, but that would be way too embarrassing. Besides, he wasn’t supposed to like this. After tonight, he’d likely never wear it again.
“Fuck, I hate this. I hate this.” Silver Wolf sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. He didn’t seem to know how to hold himself, and was now shifting nervously from foot to foot. “This is crazy. Why did I agree to this?”
“I think we look great!” Sam struck a few poses from the anime he liked. Wearing the skirt seemed to boost his confidence and amplify his nerves all at once. Caelus tried not to stare at the way it swished around him when he moved. “Everyone ready?”
“Uh… Yeah, I’m ready. I guess.” Hearing his own voice brought Caelus back to reality a bit. As usual, it was too deep, too rough, not fitting at all for the role of a “girl” he would be trying to play. Of course it wasn’t, this was just pretend anyway. There was no reason to overthink it.
The three of them gathered outside of March’s door. Silver Wolf was bunching up the skirt with his fists, staring a hole into the floor, but his mind seemed to be elsewhere. Sam’s hands were shaking visibly, and Caelus could practically hear his heart hammering as he reached for the door. Caelus wasn’t anxious at all, of course. After all, crossdressing as a girl was something only guys could do, so this was actually one of the most masculine feats one could attempt. Yes, flawless logic.
Sam knocked lightly on the door. After a moment, it slowly swung open. March’s eyes were red and still slightly damp despite her best efforts to hide it. She wasn’t making eye contact, or even looking at the others at all. “Oh, hey… Sorry, I don’t know if I’m in the mood for…”
Sam held his arms out as if presenting a gift. He tried for a confident smile, but the effect was somewhat muted by his voice breaking as soon as he opened his mouth, and the fact he got quieter with each word. “Ta-da! We’re, uh… girls for the day…”
March looked up, then froze as she took in the scene. For a moment, Caelus was worried they had made a mistake. Did this count as, like, cultural appropriation or something? Then March hugged Sam so hard he almost fell over. “OH MY GOSH! You’re all so pretty!”
“R-really? I mean, uh–” Sam cleared his throat, and Caelus could swear he was blushing. “You said you wanted a girls’ night at some point, so… girls’ night!”
“No need to humor us, we know we look stupid.” Silver Wolf’s smile somehow came off both as forced, and as if he couldn’t stop it from forming. “But yeah, you better like it. I’m only doing this once.”
“You guys really did all this for me?” March’s eyes were glistening again for a different reason. Maybe estrogen really did make you more emotional. “You’re all so sweet, really!”
“It’s nothing. They’re just clothes, right?” Caelus voiced the thought he’d been repeating in his mind for the past five minutes. “It’s not like we’re actually… you know…”
“Sure you are! For tonight, at least.” March had the same excited look she had whenever she received a new Sanrio plushie in the mail. “Come on, what are your girl names?”
Crap, names? Caelus hadn’t thought this far ahead. Evidently, neither had the others. After an awkward silence, Sam was the first to speak. “Um… F-Firefly? It’s, uh, one of my original characters, I know it’s kind of weird, but–”
“That’s perfect!” March seemed so genuinely invested in this now that she had likely forgotten about what had happened earlier. That was good, but it also meant there was no going back now. “Nice to meet you, Firefly!”
“Uh… Thanks. That’s, um… Yeah, that’s me.” Sam—no, Firefly? But this was just pretend, so it was probably still Sam—Sam let out a breathless giggle unlike anything Caelus had heard from him before. He clasped his hands together absentmindedly, and he was smiling brighter than Caelus had ever seen, too. Caelus did his best not to get distracted.
“Hey, don’t look at me.” Silver Wolf shrugged as March eyed him expectantly. “You know what to call me.”
“Well, Wolfie’s cute enough to be a girl’s name too.” March conceded. Silver Wolf almost choked when he heard that, but he quickly played it off as March finally turned to Caelus. “And you, Miss…?”
Miss. It was just a joke. That word shouldn’t have messed with him as much as it did. But fuck if he didn’t want to be called that every day from now on. With everyone’s eyes on him, it was hard to bury the thought. “Uh, Cae’s fine. I guess.”
“Then everything’s settled! I hope you all know what you’re getting yourselves into.” A devious smirk spread across March’s face. She was going to make sure none of them would ever forget this night. “We’re gonna do all the girly sleepover stuff from Miss Firefly’s anime.”
As soon as the nickname left March’s mouth, Sam let out a noise Caelus didn’t know he was capable of making. Caelus couldn’t blame him, he probably would have spontaneously combusted if it had been him. Sam quickly clasped his hands over his mouth, closing his eyes to steady himself, then slowly opened them again. “I… Yeah, I can do that.”
The doorbell rang. Probably the pizza. Caelus excused himself to answer it. Anything to get away from this storm of new emotions he couldn’t begin to understand. This was all just some stupid plan to cheer up March, right? But the run-in with Skott now seemed like a distant memory. In fact, Caelus couldn’t think about anything at all, outside of the way the skirt felt so familiar around his waist, the way March had called him pretty, and the way not a single part of him had resisted when March offhandedly called him Miss.
This was stupid. He was a guy, obviously. He hadn’t been thinking about any of this yesterday. These thoughts would pass, and he’d forget all about them. There was nothing to worry about.
Obviously.
The rest of the night was a blur, and yet, every detail seemed to be burned into his memory. First they tried to play spin the bottle. Everyone was far too embarrassed to follow through with it, so they gave up on that quickly. Then, truth or dare. That lasted for a while, until Silver Wolf pointed out that these games didn’t feel especially girly.
March suggested a pillow fight, which was fun at first, but everyone felt too bad to hit March at all, so it didn’t end up lasting long. Instead, they attempted to build a castle out of pillows and blankets, with March as the princess and the rest as her loyal knights. Then March suggested that they all be princesses. Nobody seemed to protest.
March wanted to give everyone a makeover. Silver Wolf shot down the idea immediately. Caelus declined as well, because why wouldn’t he? He wasn’t curious about it at all. Not even when Sam looked so happy as March gently applied his makeup, and when his eyes sparkled as he looked over he freshly-painted nails.
And yet, as the night drew on, Caelus could almost forget that this was just pretend. He could almost believe, just for a moment, that he really was a girl. That they all were. And for that fleeting moment, he finally felt like he was home.
But all things must come to an end. At around 2:00 in the morning, Silver Wolf finally realized they all had classes again tomorrow. Even he seemed reluctant to bring the fantasy to a close, but they all knew they had to. As they bid each other goodnight, Caelus caught a glimpse of Sam and March holding hands absentmindedly before pulling away with a blush. One last warm memory to end the night on.
And the second Caelus stepped back into his room, he felt as though a bucket of ice water had been poured over him. He pulled off the skirt in a hurry. This was wrong, he shouldn’t be wearing this. He tossed it into the farthest corner of the closet as Silver Wolf did the same. Silver Wolf glanced at him without a word, but the intent was clear. We never speak of this again. Caelus couldn’t agree more.
Fuck, he had to shave. Caelus stumbled into the bathroom, suddenly feeling nauseous for a reason he couldn’t explain. It was the mirror that finally brought him all the way back to reality. God, who was he trying to fool? He was too tall, the tallest in the dorm in fact. His body was too broad and bulky, his jaw too sharp and angular even without the stubble that stubbornly forced its way onto his face two or three times a day. The only thing remotely non-masculine was his hair, which was only long and shaggy because he'd been too busy bedrotting to get it cut. He'd have to be insane to think he could look anything like a girl.
It was fine. He never wanted to be a girl anyway. He was being ridiculous. He'd go to bed, sleep it off, and forget all about it in the morning. It was fine.
He was glad Silver Wolf was already asleep when he got back. That way they didn’t have to talk. Caelus couldn’t bear to hear one more word from his own stupid voice.