Chapter Text
He wasn’t his brother. Regulus wasn’t brave, he didn’t know how to stand up to their parents like Sirius could. Regulus didn’t have friends like James or Remus, friends whose parents wouldn’t immediately rat him out the second Walburga and Orion said anything. Regulus wasn’t kind, he couldn’t talk to people without insulting them or glaring at them until he was left alone. He only knew how to bite.
Regulus wasn’t even convinced he deserved to leave, if he ever had the guts to, honestly. He used to be kind, he used to love being around people. He always loved it when Sirius would take him along on his friends little adventures. He especially liked that time Sirius brought him sledding with James. He was freezing, and snow soaked through his jacket, but it was fun. Their parents were furious when they got back, though. They had said Sirius could have gotten them seen with “that boy”, that Sirius could have ruined their reputation. Regulus didn’t get it then, how would being around James do any harm? James was nice, and he was Sirius’s best friend. But Regulus was only six then, why would he understand?
It wasn’t until Sirius ran away that Regulus finally did. He was twelve, a week away from his thirteenth birthday. Sirius was fourteen. Sirius had been fighting with their parents a lot more lately, especially about being in the press. Sirius never liked the idea of being the heir of their parent’s company. Why would he? He had always wanted to be a musician, and owning their parents company didn’t exactly align with that. All their parents wanted was a perfect heir. Sirius could never be that, so he left.
Regulus had woken up to Walburga yelling at him, asking where Sirius had gone and if he knew anything. She didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t know why Sirius’s room was empty, maybe she was right to though. Regulus did know, of course he knew, it was obvious. He just didn’t get why Sirius didn’t tell him.
Regulus had tried to be happy for Sirius, Sirius deserved to be happy. Regulus knew his brother could never stay in that house, not with their parents. They would have killed him. Of course Regulus understood that, how could he not? He just didn’t get why Sirius never said goodbye.
Maybe Regulus deserved that though. Maybe Sirius had seen Regulus’s eagerness to please their parents, his quiet acceptance of his role in this story. Maybe that’s when Sirius had started hating Regulus. And Regulus understood why, he hated himself for the same reasons after all.
He wasn’t exactly a saint, not after everything. He would never be that six year old Sirius took sledding again, no matter how much he wished he could. He was rude, quiet, and sassy, at least he was to anyone who wasn’t his parents or the press. To his parents he was the perfect son, dedicated, quiet, and obedient. To the press he was confident, but calculated, a quiet and perfect heir. That didn’t make him enjoy it, though. How could he, when all he could feel was his parents breathing down his neck? Every second in that house was suffocating, every breath monitored.
He couldn’t stand it. How could he, really? How could anyone? If he so much as breathed a certain way around the wrong people he would be punished. “I am so disappointed in you, Regulus. I thought you were different than your brother” was his mother’s favorite phrase. It was no wonder Sirius left.
Regulus spent a lot of days staring at the bland ceiling of his room lately. It was June, meaning no school. School was often an escape for Regulus, since him being in college meant that his parents couldn’t stop him from living in the dorms during the school year. They were furious when they found out he had decided that. Not as furious as when they found out he had chosen to be a literature major though, now that had resulted in a day in the cupboard. There wasn’t anything they could actually do about his major, not matter how much they wished they could.
See, Regulus had always wanted to be a writer, it had always been his dream. Sirius had once read Regulus a poem he had written for an English class, it was absolutely horrible, but it was also so very Sirius and that’s all that mattered to Regulus. Thinking about that memory wasn’t as positive these days, especially when he couldn’t accompany it by staring at the star Sirius was named after, but it still made him smile. Thinking about those small moments always did, after all he really did love his brother, even if he wasn’t able to show it.
He wasn’t able to show many emotions, really. Both in the sense that he wasn’t exactly allowed to, but also because he just didn’t know how to. Barty had once claimed that Regulus was emotionally constipated, whatever that means, but it had stuck. He wasn’t good at not keeping it all in. The last time he had cried in front of Barty and Evan he stopped talking to them for two months until he finally got the courage to reply to their messages again. It felt gross crying, being sad, but some days it was all he knew how to do.
Today was one of those days. His parents were out on a trip, so that meant he didn’t have to deal with any press today. But that also meant the house was silent. Now, to anyone else that may seem like a blessing, but to Regulus? It was suffocating.
The silence filled the room, feeling thick and burning hot around him. You could hear a pin drop, but with how thick the air was, would it even drop? Regulus couldn’t answer that question, he couldn’t even bring himself to get up, much less find a pin. He didn’t really know what to do with himself, he had the whole day to do something, but what? All he could bring himself to do was stare up at the fabric blocking him from seeing his ceiling. His parents had insisted on getting him a canopy bed, even though he said he wanted a normal one like Sirius.
Of course, they didn’t listen. They never listened, but Regulus did. Except when he had cut the constellation Sirius was named for into the fabric hanging over his bed, that was his one act of rebellion and probably his last. It would never be worth it, he was stuck there.
He wasn’t like Sirius, he couldn’t possibly be free, he just wasn’t destined for it. Sirius and Regulus had always been different. Sirius was brave, he was never afraid to do anything. He was loud, confident, kind. Everything Regulus couldn’t be. They’d always been different opposites in every aspect of the word.
Thinking about Sirius made his stomach drop. His brother had left years ago, taken everything important with him. Except Regulus. Or was Regulus just not important to him?
That didn’t really matter now though. It wasn’t like he could change that. He didn’t even know Sirius’s number, much less bring himself to talk to him. Even then, Sirius probably blocked his number long ago. The only thing he had was a private account following Sirius’s Instagram.
He checked Sirius’s Instagram often, or often enough to see what he was up to. He had posted about going to a movie with Remus, Sirius’s boyfriend, the other day. Regulus only ever knew enough to make sure Sirius was okay and that was enough for him. It had to be, it was all he had.