Work Text:
BEFORE:
It was Liam's turn to share a room with Zayn one night, ages ago. Zayn and Harry and Louis had gone out, but Liam stayed in and so had Niall. Zayn got in pretty late, well after Liam had gone to sleep.
"Liam," Zayn said. "Wake up."
"Hm?" Liam said.
Zayn turned on a lamp.
"Don't look at me," Zayn said as he took all his clothes off but his underwear.
"If you didn't want me to look, why'd you turn the light on and strip off?" Liam said.
"Because," Zayn said.
"Can't argue with that," Liam said.
Zayn laid down on top of Liam over the covers, right on Liam's middle. "Now we're a plus sign," he said.
"Are you positive?" Liam said.
Zayn shrieked out a deranged drunk person laugh at that. "Dad joke."
"Come on, then," Liam said. He put his hands under Zayn's armpits and lifted him up and over so he could move him under the covers. "Let daddy tuck you in."
"Thank you," Zayn said. He grabbed onto Liam's hand after he was settled in and wouldn't let go. "I'm spinning very badly now."
"I like that you said that," Liam said. "People always say the room is spinning when it's not. You very clearly understand that you're the one who's spinning, not the room."
"You're so smart," Zayn said, his eyes fixated somewhere on his face, probably on his huge nose.
"You're smart," Liam said. "Go to sleep."
"Don't let go of my hand," Zayn said.
Liam held on to Zayn until Zayn fell asleep, and he kept holding on until he fell asleep, and probably longer after that. He liked it. He'd never done anything like it before. He never thought he'd have a friend, let alone four friends, who he'd feel comfortable enough to hold hands in bed with. The others don't really, but he's sure they would if he asked.
He only woke up when he felt the blanket lift up and cool air rush under it, wrecking the feeling of a bed warmed by two people. He cracked his eyes open and was shocked awake by seeing Zayn getting up before him, but Zayn just shushed him, told him to go back to sleep.
Liam dozed off again until he felt the bed dip under Zayn's weight next to him, even though there was an entire other bed in this room and Zayn was no longer inebriated. He rolled over and looked at Zayn, who had a towel wrapped around his waist and another around his head and was just kind of resting against the headboard with his eyes closed, like he couldn't actually bear to look at the day yet.
"You're up early," Liam said, while stretching, so it mostly came out as a bunch of strained noises. He sat up and realized he'd slept with his socks on and his feet felt all dry. He took his socks off and dropped them on the side of the bed.
"I know, isn't it strange?" Zayn turned to face Liam but his eyes were closed, as if he couldn't open them just yet. "I haven't been up this early on my own like... ever. Must've slept well. You're like an electric blanket."
"That was my childhood nickname," Liam said.
"Electric Blanket Payne, very cool guy," Zayn said. He unwrapped the towel on his head and violently rubbed at his wet hair for a minute until taking it completely off. His hair was a right mess.
"Am I still beautiful even after you've seen me this way?" Zayn said, finally opening his eyes, damp hair sticking every which way.
"No," Liam said. "You're hideous. I no longer wish to associate with you. I thought you were just naturally beautiful, but now I know."
"You have no idea," Zayn sighed, almost too dramatically for Liam's liking. Liam worried that Zayn thought Liam thought he was ugly.
"You know I'm joking, right? You know you always look good," Liam said.
"Of course I know," Zayn said. He pinched Liam's cheek before getting up off the bed. "But you're cute for worrying."
Zayn left the door open to the bathroom, which left nothing between himself and Liam. Liam stayed sat on the bed and quietly observed Zayn's elaborate and rigorous personal hygiene regimen. Liam washed his hair with a bar of soap and shaved and let other people take care of the rest; Zayn did a bit more than that.
"You don't have to stay here and watch me," Zayn said. "I know this is probably boring."
"Do you mind if I do?" Liam asked, because maybe this was private, and Liam was far from bored.
"No," Zayn said. He filled the sink up with cold water and dunked his face in it, long enough that Liam thought he'd drowned. Zayn doesn't know how to swim, he thought stupidly.
Zayn pulled his face out of the water with a gasp. He blew his nose directly into his hands and rinsed it off in the tap, which Liam was delighted by, in the kindred spirit way when you learn someone is as gross as you are, because he blew his nose in the shower like that all the time.
"The cold water closes your pores," Zayn explained, seeming shy about it.
"Can't walk around with open pores, now, can we?" Liam said. He didn't know why he was making fun. It wasn't that silly. If Zayn liked to do it, then he should be allowed to do it. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Zayn said.
Liam was hit suddenly, as if he'd been away for a long time, but back home, when he was younger, he always liked to watch his mum and sisters put their faces on and do their hair. Something about watching a person transform into a completely new person, but still them, was completely enthralling to Liam. He knew Zayn doesn't just look the way he does naturally; they've all made him show them how he gets his hair to be that way, but Liam never realized it was an entire ritual until he saw it. Watching Zayn get ready felt like home, like family.
He realized after a while, after he'd watched Zayn apply lotion to under his eyes using only his ring finger -
("Why only like that?" Liam asked.
"It's the gentlest finger," Zayn explained patiently, and something about that stuck with Liam, and he thought about it every time he used his hand.)
- that neither of them had spoken for a long time. Zayn was letting Liam in on something he did normally, every day. He was silently welcoming Liam into his life like this.
"Do you curl your eyelashes as well?" Liam teased when Zayn was finishing up.
"Long eyelashes are a masculine trait," Zayn said.
Liam didn't expect that answer. He thought Zayn would shrink up under his teasing, or that Zayn would make a silly face and bat his eyelashes and tease him back.
"Huh?" He said.
"Girls are the ones who don't have naturally long eyelashes," Zayn said. "They have to curl their eyelashes to look like boys. So like, if you draw like, a girl animal with eyelashes, then that's wrong."
"You're so smart," Liam said after a moment, because Zayn was smart, and he knew so many things, and he always let Liam in on it.
"I read up," Zayn said, shy under the compliment. Then he batted his eyelashes, finally teasing back.
~*~
AFTER:
Louis is in the middle of reading a stack of magazines with their faces on them when Liam finds him. Liam smashes the magazine Louis currently has his nose stuck in into his face and jumps away before Louis can get him.
"Like looking at yourself that much?" Liam says.
Liam sits on the sofa an entire cushion away. Louis must be very into whatever he's reading, because he doesn't even retaliate by throwing a glass of water in his face or putting him in a headlock, just sort of lazily swats the air to shoo Liam away.
"I'm reading it for the articles," Louis says, flashing Liam the cover. It's the issue of Cosmo they were in.
"'60-minute orgasm'," Liam reads. "Funny they put that under your face."
"You think I couldn't give someone a 60-minute orgasm?" Louis says.
"I'd like to see you try," Liam says, then blushes a little as he realizes what he's said.
"Try what?" Zayn says, coming into the lounge.
He's obviously just woken up. His eyes are soft and he has pillow creases in his cheek. His hair is down, against his forehead. He flops down on the cushion Liam left between himself and Louis and leans against Liam's chest. Liam puts his arm around him and rubs at his belly, because he knows Zayn likes to be cuddled just after a nap, so he can wake up.
"Liam was just saying how he'd like to see me give someone a 60-minute orgasm," Louis says.
Even from his vantage point, Liam can see Zayn make a face at that.
"Sounds painful," Zayn says. "Can you imagine coming for that long?"
"Speaking of," Louis says. "Before you two rudely interrupted me, I was in the middle of reading a very important article."
"Was it the one about the hair?" Zayn says. He turns and rubs his face against Liam's shoulder, because Liam's stopped rubbing his hand against Zayn's belly. Liam starts again, and Zayn stretches his spine and leans more fully against Liam.
"Like a cat," Liam mumbles.
Zayn makes a "rrrrr" sound like a purr.
"No," Louis says. He clears his throat and reads aloud, like he's auditioning for a part in a play. "Ladies, you might make a face, but your face will thank you if you do."
"What's going on?" Harry says, walking into the lounge with Niall behind him.
"If you see a wrinkle, don't worry!" Louis continues, but louder. If Liam were a casting director, he'd give Louis the part on the spot. "You don't have to go any further than the man next to you in bed for the solution. Studies show that the proteins found in sperm can have a tightening effect on the skin, which may reduce wrinkles. You can get a facial right at home, and your man can give it to you himself!"
When Louis is done with his dramatic reading of Cosmopolitan magazine, he tosses it at Niall, and Niall yelps and smacks it away to the floor, as if the magazine itself is covered in come.
"That doesn't make any sense," Harry says seriously. "Who cares if you get a wrinkle? You shouldn't have to put sperm on your face for that."
Zayn turns back in Liam's arms to waggle his eyebrows at him, and Liam wants to come on Zayn's face.
Liam gasps and says, "oh."
Louis looks around the room, hands on his hips, surveying the damage he's done, both mental and physical, and he is pleased.
~*~
Later that night, after jerking off for the third night in a row picturing Zayn's face, Liam thinks, my god, he's a horrible person. This has got to be the worst thing he's ever done, and that includes the time Louis made him mix gumballs in with Niall's cereal. He wipes his hands on his shirt like his come is blood and he's just murdered someone.
Why is he doing this? And more importantly, why can't he stop himself? He doesn't even want to stop, is the thing. Briefly, he wonders why Zayn out of all of them. He wonders if he'd made eye contact with any of the other boys would he want to come on their faces instead, like Louis spoke an incantation and the first person Liam saw would be the person whose face he'd want to come on, and it just happened to be Zayn. But he knows somewhere, deep down, this has been inside him all along, and he wants it bad, now. He's a monster.
Zayn is very special to him, is the thing. Well, they all are. He supposes choosing who is most special to him is like choosing between his children, even though he's not really their father. Maybe he should make sure he's not related to Zayn in any way before he thinks about coming on his face again. He's this close to opening his laptop and signing up for an ancestry.com account before realizing he's insane and he needs to just stop. Zayn is special to him, and he needs to stop fantasizing about him this way. He shuts his eyes and forces himself to fall asleep.
Liam feels exposed. His mask has been ripped off and is resting on top of his head. He's tied to a chair, but his binds feel loose and he knows he could get out of them if he wanted to. There's a person on their knees in front of him, between his legs. They're wearing a mask, but it's their own.
"There's a storm coming, Mr. Payne," the person says. Purrs, really. It sounds familiar, but higher and clearer, like a bell that's off somehow. Liam really tries to look to see who this person is, and finally it registers that those are Zayn's eyes looking at him through the mask. Liam notices then that Zayn's mask has cute little cat ears on it.
"You sound like you're looking forward to it," Liam says. His voice sounds deep and gravelly, not like himself. He looks down and sees the bat symbol on his chest,
Zayn has a hand on each of Liam's knees, he looks up at Liam patiently, like he's waiting for whatever Liam is going to do. He stands to loom over Liam, and he's wearing a skintight catsuit. Because he's Catwoman.
"Oh, come on," Liam says, pulling at the binds tying him down. They're tighter now and won't set him free.
"I'm adaptable," Zayn says as he starts leaning into Liam's space. His eyes are almost entirely black under the shadow of the mask, and his lips are red and glistening. He keeps licking them, over and over. It looks like he's wearing lipstick.
Liam wakes up with a heaving gasp only to discover he's got off for the fourth time, though this time not completely voluntarily, over Zayn. Now that movie is ruined forever. Or enhanced. He doesn't know. He and Zayn watch that movie at least once a week and they can both recite it by heart at this point, but he won't even be able to do that with Zayn, now. It's official: Liam is the most vile creature in the entire world and he should be tossed into a pit to never see daylight or Zayn's face again.
~*~
Liam starts avoiding the places he knows Zayn is going to be. If Zayn is sleeping on the bus, Liam goes inside the venue to run around with Louis. If Zayn is with Louis, Liam goes to sleep on the bus. Once, only once, he hides behind a curtain when Zayn walks into a room looking for him. Another time he's walking down a hall to the dressing room and Zayn walks out and he sees Liam is coming, and his face lights up with a smile, excited by Liam's presence, but Liam changes direction completely like he never meant to go that way. Just before he turns around, he thinks he sees Zayn's face fall.
Liam actually can't stand to have two earbuds in at once now. He's so used to sharing them. Niall is good to share with because they have similar taste but they can never decide who gets what ear. Zayn is the most fun to share with because he lets Liam have whichever ear he wants and he's never heard anything. Even if he's by himself listening to music, he'll leave one earbud out, just in case.
Now, if Zayn is around, he makes sure to have both in. Zayn doesn't even try to come near him, doesn't ask what he's listening to.
He hates doing this, but he doesn't know what else to do. He feels like he's punishing Zayn because Liam wants to -do things to him. He doesn't want to be mean to Zayn, but Zayn keeps him up nights, pesters him constantly. It's not Zayn's fault and Liam shouldn't act like it is around him, but it's better than the alternative of telling him the truth.
~*~
Louis is looking at him one day. Staring at him, really. Something about when Louis stares at you, you can feel it down to your very core. It's very unnerving. He always feels like he's done something unforgivable and then lied to his mum about it when Louis looks at him like this.
"What's the matter with you?" Louis says after reading his soul for what feels like a thousand eternities.
"What's the matter with you?" Liam says.
"There's something wrong," Louis says, ignoring Liam's deflection. "Is it a sex thing?"
"What?" Liam says. He tries to casually put his foot up on the table in front of the couch, but he thinks about it too much and he slips and stubs his toe. "No, it's not."
"Hmm," Louis says, looking at him from a different angle. "Is this about Zayn?"
Liam cuts his eyes to him then, just because he can't believe Louis is hitting this close to the mark without Liam having told him anything. He wonders if he's said something in his sleep.
"A sex thing about Zayn," Louis ponders. He taps his finger against his lip.
Liam is sweating. He was never in his life going to tell anyone about this thing, about how he wants to defile Zayn's beautiful face, simply because it is so beautiful, and how he thinks about it every time he looks at Zayn, and even a lot of the time when he's not looking at Zayn, and how guilty he feels for wanting it, and how much he wants it anyway. He's so close to telling Louis, just to get it off his chest. His fingertips feel numb as he works up the courage to say something.
"Ah, nevermind," Louis says, just as, "I want to come on Zayn's face" spills out of Liam's mouth.
"What?" Louis says.
"Nothing," Liam says.
"Did you say - " Louis' eyes widen in recognition. "Is this about that article?"
"Don't make fun of me," Liam says. "Not now."
"I'm not," Louis says, turning soft.
"I feel really bad about it," Liam says. "It's not like, a normal thing. And it's - Zayn."
Louis shrugs. "It's not weird. You're not like, I dunno, doing a shit on him or anything."
"I haven't done anything to him," Liam makes sure to say quickly. "It's just a thought I've had."
"You should tell him," Louis says.
"No!" Liam says. "No. I can't."
"People come on people's faces all the time," Louis says.
"He's like, my best mate," Liam says.
"So? That's what best mates are for," Louis says.
"You're my best mate, too," Liam says.
"Do you want to come on my face?" Louis says.
Liam inspects Louis' face seriously.
"Not really," Liam says.
"Then maybe we all have some things to think about," Louis says. His stack of magazines with themselves on the covers is still sitting on the table in the lounge. He clears his throat and goes to leave the room, but first he gestures to the stack and says, "Feel free to peruse, you know, for whatever."
Liam sits there for a long time, staring at the magazines. The one on top is an older one, with them on the cover, because his hair is longer. He looks like an idiot. Zayn is wearing a sweater with a shirt under and he looks so much younger than he does now. Liam wonders how long he's felt this way about Zayn. Did he feel it then? It looks like they're all in different pictures and were photoshopped together. It's like a metaphor for real life, he supposes. He's so happy he was put with them. He's so grateful to know Zayn. He can't tell Zayn about this, no matter Louis' suggestion that he does. He can't ruin what special connection they have by being a gross person.
He grabs the magazine on top and sticks it under his shirt to hide under his pillow.
~*~
Later that night, after their show, Liam skips every single thing anyone wants to do or say and goes straight back to his bunk. He's all amped up. He's been trying to stay away from Zayn until he can get this thing under control, and he thinks Zayn is starting to notice something is wrong. Every time Zayn's thigh touches Liam's when they're sitting together, or when he gets close to whisper into Liam's ear, or Zayn touches Liam's face playfully, or wants Liam to cuddle him, all Liam can think is, I want to come on your face, and he feels so guilty he can't look Zayn in the eye. Liam doesn't react the same, can't react the same now that he knows this thing about himself, and Zayn's noticing. Liam has got to get over this for the sake of his and Zayn's friendship.
He shuts himself up in his bunk and turns his little night light on before getting the magazine out. He flips through the entire thing a few times like he's shuffling cards, stalling the inevitable, trying to act like he's not doing what he's doing. He catches glimpes of Justin Bieber and other teen celebrities and articles about what his bandmates smell like. It's incredibly odd. He gets distracted for a few minutes by taking a quiz on who his One Direction soulmate would be - he gets himself, which he thinks is scary - before he finds what he wants.
He has all sorts of pictures of Zayn, on his computer and on his phone and in frames in various places, but he needs something he can throw away when he's done, and he doesn't exactly want to come all over his phone.
It's a picture of Zayn from a photoshoot they did while they were making the "What Makes You Beautiful" video. Zayn is sprawled out on the sand of the beach, with his back against a big rock, wearing a white t-shirt, squinting, or someone else would probably say 'smoldering' but Liam knows better, into the camera. He doesn't look happy about this situation. There's a candid photo of Liam on the opposite page where he's holding a fishing pole at an unfortunate angle right at his crotch, so it looks a bit like, well. Like what he's about to do, he thinks.
Liam folds the magazine over so he can only see Zayn's picture. It says his name in huge right next to his face, like Liam needs to be reminded how horrible he is. "This is Zayn Malik, your best friend in the world," it says to him. "You know everything about him. You know his ring size and the way his farts smell and his list of favorite songs from the past three years and you have his entire bedtime ritual memorized and he is your anchor in this turbulent world."
"I know," Liam says to the magazine as if it'd really spoken out loud to him. "I'm sorry."
He touches himself through his underwear and god, he's already half hard. He's a sick human being and he hates it, but he's not going to stop. He reminds himself Zayn's not actually here, he's completely alone, but it doesn't make him feel better. What would Zayn think if he knew? Would this ever be something he'd want, too? Liam doesn't know. This isn't something Zayn deserves, if he doesn't want it. But Zayn isn't here, and Liam is alone, and he's not hurting anyone but himself.
He pushes his underwear down out of the way with one hand and grips the magazine with the picture of Zayn in the other, not taking his eyes off it. He imagines Zayn's face with life in it, with that twinkle in his eye he gets when he's being mischevious, when he looks at Liam and likes what Liam's doing. He imagines Zayn likes what Liam is doing now, stroking himself slowly while Zayn's tongue pokes out and he licks the corner of his own mouth, smirking. Smoldering. Squinting. Liam slams his head back into his pillow and shuts his eyes.
When he opens them, there's come on the page, dripping from Zayn's forehead down into his eye. Zayn doesn't seem to mind it then, and Liam groans. He has a serious problem. He thought he'd be rid of this feeling if he'd do it, but he feels his cock twitch, looking at just this picture of Zayn, and he wants more.
~*~
Zayn wakes up in the middle of the afternoon when Liam is watching TV on mute alone in the lounge. He doesn't know Liam has a psychosexual disease involving him, and Liam doesn't have time to get up and run away before Zayn lays against him, business as usual. Liam tenses up and doesn't know how to behave normally, but Zayn melts against him and pulls Liam's hand around to rest on Zayn's belly. Zayn puts his hand over Liam's forearm and hangs on, sighing. He has to feel how Liam is holding himself in. He has to know something is wrong.
Zayn's hands aren't small, but Liam's are bigger, his fingers thicker. His hands cover most of Zayn's, easy. Zayn is double-jointed. He can wiggle his thumb like it doesn't have any bones at all and it freaks out Niall. Zayn has long, elegant fingers. He wears rings and they look nice on his hands, because he has hands for them. Liam remembers: the ring finger is the gentlest. Zayn is long and elegant and gentle. It wells up inside Liam until he feels he'll burst if he doesn't tell Zayn, tell him everything. I'm sorry I've been acting weird, but you're so beautiful, and I love you, and I want to do things to you that are weird, but I want you to like them and I don't want to do them without your knowledge and consent, because I love you and you're so beautiful.
An advertisement for mascara comes on. The woman doing the voiceover is saying something about a rocket and explosions, which Liam doesn't understand how that would even be something you'd want to put near your eyes. Liam tries to shift his body away from Zayn, but Zayn won't let go of his arm.
"I'm hungry," Zayn says. The top of his head brushes up against Liam's chin, and Liam feels it like a punch.
"What do you want to eat?" Liam says.
"I've missed you," Zayn says, turning his cheek into Liam's neck.
"I'm here," Liam says. "I promise." He feels Zayn's eyelashes on his throat and all he can think about is what his come would look like in them.
When they arrive at their venue, Liam tries to attempt to be a normal friend and goes out with Zayn to get something to eat. Zayn picks Subway, probably because he knows Liam can't resist Subway, and Liam thinks, that's fine. Totally doable. At least it's not hot dogs and bananas. There's nothing less sexual than eating a sandwich.
Liam regrets this decision soon, because Zayn orders something with so much mayonnaise on it that it gushes out and gets all over his face whenever he takes a bite. His mouth and all areas around it is covered in mayo. He seems perfectly unaware of the mess on his face and Liam wants to scream and run off into oncoming traffic. The absolute worst part is Liam can feel eyes on him, people taking pictures of them there. People taking pictures of him thinking about Zayn's face covered in come.
"You have some --" Liam says helpfully. He points at his own mouth.
"Wha?" Zayn says. His mouth is stuffed with sandwich.
"Some stuff," Liam says. It's mayonnaise. He just needs to say mayonnaise. "On your face."
Zayn simply swallows his mouthful of food and sticks his tongue out to clean his face off, licking around his mouth and getting as much of it as he can. There are bits of chewed food on his tongue, but Liam is a troubled boy, and he flushes from his chest to his ears. He can't help but wonder what Zayn would do if - Liam told him everything he wants to do to him. If Liam just told Zayn how he wants to take his cock out and jerk off until Zayn's beautiful face is wrecked by Liam's come. He wonders if Zayn would want that, if he would like it, if he would be just as turned on by it as Liam. He wonders if Zayn would open his mouth for Liam's come and lick it off his lips, swallow it.
"I'm not that hungry anymore," Liam says. He realizes he's interrupted Zayn in the middle of a sentence, or probably an entire story that he's completely missed because he was too distracted by being disgusting. He pushes his tray away and looks around at anywhere but Zayn.
Zayn finishes his own food in silence. Liam feels Zayn's eyes on him, but whenever he glances to look at him, Zayn is looking down. Liam sighs and fidgets, anxious to leave so he can go masturbate in the darkest corner he can find. He can't imagine what Zayn thinks of him, but he knows Zayn can tell he wants to leave. He finishes Liam's sandwich, too, and eats slower than Liam's ever seen him, like he knows sitting here is torture for Liam and he wants to draw it out, he just doesn't know why.
When they leave Liam holds the door open for Zayn, a small gesture of kindness, but Zayn ignores him and stays away from him for the rest of the day.
~*~
Louis stole the hoodie Liam likes to sleep in, so Liam goes round to his door and knocks. Zayn is the one who answers and Liam is so surprised he forgets to immediately turn around and run away like he was never there. They haven't seen much of each other lately. He wants to flee, but what makes him stay is the fact that the lower half of Zayn's face is covered in some sort of cream. He seems surprised to see Liam, a little flash of hope in his eyes, probably because Liam's been avoiding him most of the time.
"Hi," Liam says. He feels his neck flush and his palms itch. "What's -- "
Louis pops up behind Zayn. His face is completely covered in cream and he's holding a tube in his hand.
"Hi Liam!" Louis screeches. "Zayn and I are giving each other facials."
Liam feels like he's having a stroke.
"Zayn just finished giving me a facial, and I was in the middle of giving him a facial, but maybe you'd like to help me finish?" Louis says.
"Uh," Liam says. A bead of sweat travels down between his shoulder blades and it makes him shiver.
"Then Zayn can give you a facial!" Louis says.
"Why are you doing this?" Liam begs of Louis.
"It's good for your skin," Zayn mumbles. Louis' face lights up with delight, because he knows Zayn has no idea what this is doing to Liam, but Louis does.
"Gotta go," Liam says. He goes back to his room, and luckily he's alone tonight, because he's not sure he wants Harry or Niall to see him gripping a wall and jacking off like he's going to die. After, he feels like he's going to be sick, which is not something he's ever experencing after getting off. Liam may be a monster, but Louis Tomlinson is the devil.
~*~
Even worse than Liam's personal inner turmoil is how it's affecting their shows. Every tiny moment in concert is captured by thousands of different people from thousands of different angles, and he wonders if someone can spot the difference between before and now. Liam doesn't touch Zayn anymore on stage, and Zayn seems to take the hint starts staying away from Liam too, which makes Liam feel panicked. He's been trying to not let this thing affect Zayn, but the way it's turned Liam into a grotesque sex creature by hiding it is making things worse anyway. Zayn doesn't touch his shoulder or grab his junk casually like he'd do on an average day. He doesn't lick his lips as his eyes bore into Liam's skull or sling his arm around Liam's neck like he would under normal circumstances.
Zayn doesn't look at Liam when he's singing, like he used to, not even all that long ago. Liam looks to him at points when Zayn would've been singing to him, and Zayn just has his eyes closed, singing to nothing.
"That was amazing," Liam says to the crowd when Zayn hits a particularly good riff. He turns his head to Zayn, still speaking into the microphone. "That was really good."
Zayn just looks down at his feet and nods.
The feeling Liam gets when his fingertips are against Zayn's body is the most he's ever felt about anything. Five gentle points of pressure, the gentlest he's ever handled another thing. He feels it most on his ring finger, the most delicate of touches. He sees Zayn and he wants to be so kind, so tender, without even a thought. He wants to touch Zayn and have Zayn turn to him, open his body completely up to him, welcome it. They're always so careful with one another because they know each other completely. Terrible guilt eats away at Liam that he's being so careless with Zayn now.
~*~
Liam knew it was coming, but he can't believe it's here again so soon. At any other time in his life, he'd look forward to this night, when he and Zayn could stay up together, watching a movie they both loved or chatting about the day for hours or falling asleep with his shoulder in Zayn's mouth. He can't do that, not now, not as he is, but he also can't bring himself to beg Paul to switch his room tonight, not while Zayn is right there. They're all in the hotel, heading up, tired at the end of the week. Nobody is going out, not even Harry. Liam wants to sleep anywhere but in the same room as Zayn. He'd sleep in the hallway in front of the door. He'd sleep in the lobby. Anywhere but where Zayn is.
When they get to their room, Zayn goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, which really cuts Liam up. Liam knows then for sure that Zayn knows something is changed, and it makes Liam feel helpless. He doesn't want to hurt Zayn's feelings. It's nothing he did. Liam just doesn't know how to explain everything to him without destroying what they have now.
~*~
Liam waits for his turn in the bathroom. When Zayn comes out, he deliberately walks past the bed Liam is sitting on and goes to lay down on the other one. They're never like this; they've never been like this. Usually they'll lay together and talk or watch a movie or fall asleep or whatever, but it's always together. Liam is ruining what they've got already without even trying. Zayn turns his back to Liam and gets on his phone. Liam wonders if he's talking to Louis about him. He wonders if Louis has told him anything, and maybe that's why Zayn is being like this. He just doesn't know for sure. He can't stand not asking after Zayn's wellbeing.
"What's wrong?" Liam says.
"Nothing," Zayn says.
"You're sulking," Liam says.
"You are," Zayn says.
"I'm -- "
"Did I do something?" Zayn interrupts. He still doesn't turn to face Liam.
"No," Liam says automatically, even though what he wants to say is, "you need to walk around with a bag over your head so I don't think about think about my come in your eyelashes," which is a terrible thing to say, because none of this is Zayn's fault, so what he really, truly, actually wants to say is, "I need to walk around with a bag over my head because I'm unworthy of looking at you."
"You've been acting mean," Zayn says in a small voice.
Liam doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what to say. His eyes sting at the thought of Zayn being hurt by him, but he's still more mortified by the idea of Zayn knowing what's really wrong with him.
Zayn rolls over onto his back and talks to the ceiling. "Haven't you?"
"I don't know," Liam says. "Have I?"
"I know something's wrong," Zayn says. He's starting to sound angry instead of just sad, which makes Liam feel better, because Zayn should be angry with him. "Why won't you tell me?"
"Nothing's wrong," Liam says. He sounds strained even to his own ears.
"I thought we could talk to each other about anything," Zayn says. He rolls over and sits up so he's directly across from Liam on their separate beds.
They could, Liam thinks. He takes a deep breath and looks at the floor, at Zayn's bare feet, his leg jiggling nervously. Liam knows his shoe size better than he knows anyone's shoe size. They could talk to each other about anything. Anything. He looks up at Zayn's face, at how open and honest and caring he is with Liam even with just his eyes. Liam thinks about how badly he wants Zayn to kneel on the floor in front of him, waiting for whatever Liam will give him.
Anything, but this.
"Everything's fine," Liam says.
Zayn's face closes off like storm clouds covering the sun. He gets up off his bed and leans into Liam's space. Liam flinches, half afraid and half hoping Zayn will hit him, knock some sense into him. Instead just grabs his bag that's on the floor and heads toward to door.
"Where are you going?" Liam says, even though he has a pretty good idea. He's actually relieved that Zayn is going somewhere else, but he still wants to know where, still cares what happens to Zayn.
"Fuck off," Zayn says without looking back.
~*~
What did you do?
Just tell him !!
If you don't I will !!
Louis begins texting Liam not ten minutes after Zayn leaves. Liam ignores him, because he knows Louis would never tell Zayn. He's all keyed up and he wishes Zayn could've gone to someone else because Louis is just what Liam needs right now, too. He needs to go somewhere and do something that isn't stewing alone in his dreadful thoughts. It's pretty late, but as he's leaving his room and thinking he's not sure who would be awake, Harry is leaving his room as well, staring deep into his phone. He looks clean and coiffed, ready for a night on the town.
"I thought you were staying in," Liam says.
Harry gasps and drops his phone.
"Sorry," Liam winces. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"It's fine," Harry says. He picks up his phone and puts it in his pocket. "There's this thing I just found out about that I'd like to go to."
"Oh," Liam says. "Did you tell Paul?"
"Yes, Dad," Harry says. "He arranged a car for me."
"Sorry," Liam winces. "I don't mean to do that."
"Stop apologizing," Harry says.
"Sorry," Liam says.
"Sorry," Harry says.
They say it back and forth for a few minutes as they walk down the hall to the elevator, which is when Liam realizes he's been following Harry without really intending to.
"What are you doing up?" Harry finally asks.
"Uh," Liam says. "I got into - Zayn and - I'm like, I can't -"
"Are you okay?" Harry says seriously. His eyebrows get that thing going where he looks infuriated but he's actually just putting all his attention on you.
"Can I come with you?" Liam says rather than answering.
The elevator dings and Harry holds the door and waits for Liam to get in first.
~*~
Liam doesn't really ever hang out with Harry, like on their own, on purpose. A lot of them time Liam doesn't know what Harry is on about, and even now he kind of regrets getting in the car and going with him, though he doesn't even know where they're going.
"Where are we going?" Liam says.
"There's like this art show," Harry says.
"It's nearly midnight," Liam says.
"It's a midnight art show," Harry says.
"Oh," Liam says. "Are there snacks?"
Harry smiles and looks at Liam like he's the dumbest person in the world, reminding Liam why he doesn't hang out with Harry that much.
There aren't snacks, but there are beaded necklaces, paintings done in blood, and something called a "fuck bike" that he doesn't investigate too closely.
"Whose blood is it?" Liam says.
A woman floats by and says into Liam's ear, "my menstrual blood." He furiously scrubs at his ear as if there's menstrual blood on it.
"Interesting," Harry says, stroking his chin, pretending to consider the painting.
Liam rolls his eyes and wanders off by himself. There's got to be snacks somewhere. He works his way through the crowd of beards and severe haircuts and naked painted women, trying not to bump into the sculptures made out of what he believes are dildos and the drawings of penises hung up all over the place, when he finds himself stood front of a painting he actually likes. It's just pretty, is all. It looks like the inside of a seashell was splattered onto a canvas.
"My boyfriend's jizz," the woman from before says from beside him. He didn't notice her come up and he jumps back and nearly knocks a naked woman over, and when he tries to right her he accidentally stamps his handprint into the paint on her body and she just laughs but he feels terrible and uncomfortable and too stupid and like he doesn't belong here at all, which he doesn't.
"Sorry," he says to the floating lady who uses period blood as paint.
"You like this one?" She says to him.
"Yes," Liam says. "I have to admit, I'm not really an artsy person, but this one is lovely."
"As I was saying before," she says, "it's my boyfriend's jizz. On canvas. With shimmer powder."
"Do you only paint in bodily fluids?"
"Why not?" She says. "They're the world's most natural resource."
Liam's head begins to hurt from all the understanding he's trying to do.
"Did you like - did you, you know," Liam says. He makes a rude gesture and feels himself blush at asking such a personal question, but this place seems like the kind where you can ask such things of people.
She pats him on the shoulder, also looking at him like the planet's biggest idiot. He stares at the painting some more, and he doesn't even think it's strange, that it's just - come. It's another man's come. He still thinks it's lovely. What a wonderful thing that a person would give some part of their body to someone they love for them to use it to create something new out of it. Zayn would like it here. Zayn's artsy. He'd probably understand all this dumb art and be able to explain why it's any good or why it's rubbish, and he'd never treat Liam like he didn't belong. He'd probably like this jizz painting.
He finds Harry gazing at a creepy Barbie doll display and acting like it's an enjoyable thing to do.
"I'm gonna go back," Liam says. "I got in a fight with Zayn and I need to talk to him."
"Yes," Harry says. "Good."
"Okay," Liam says. "You'll be good to get back on your own?"
"Yes, Dad," Harry says.
"Sorry," Liam winces.
"Sorry," Harry mocks him.
"Sorry," Liam says and punches him in the stomach lightly before making his way through the vagina pottery and nerds to get outside and call a taxi back to the hotel.
~*~
"He's very upset," Louis says to him when he answers the door to his hotel room.
"I know," Liam says. He tries to push his way in, but Louis stops him with a hand on his chest. Louis looks at him seriously and opens his mouth, sure to give Liam some wise owl advice.
"I stole Zayn's room key off him while he was asleep and I'm going to your room to eat everything in your mini fridge," Louis says.
"That's it?" Liam says.
"That's it," Louis says. He pats him hard on the cheek, wishes him luck, and flees.
When he goes in, Zayn is completely awake and lying on his back on Louis' bed on top of the covers. He glances at Liam but then quickly turns his attention back to the ceiling.
"Hey," Liam says.
"Hello," Zayn says.
"Do you mind if I...?"
Zayn scoots over a little bit and lets Liam lie down next to him, and Liam feels so relieved. He thought Zayn wouldn't even give him a second.
"I just went to an art show with Harry," Liam says.
"You went to an art show?" Zayn says. He turns his head only a little to look at Liam. "At... one in the morning?"
"Yeah, it was horrible," Liam says.
"God, I bet," Zayn says. "Was Harry all..." Zayn does a good impression of Harry's infuriated thinking face and then puts on his voice, "'Hmm, yes. Interesting.'"
"Yes!" Liam says, laughing, as Zayn laughs with him. "That's exactly it!"
They fall silent and stare at the ceiling some more. The back of Zayn's hand brushes against the back of Liam's hand and it feels like Liam's been plugged in again. He's missed this, even though it hasn't been that long since he's had it. He's missed being affectionate towards Zayn, and Zayn trusting him. He rolls over so his face is over Zayn's and he puts a hand on Zayn's cheek.
"I have to tell you something," Liam says as his heart beats so hard his fingertips go numb.
"What is it?" Zayn says.
"I want - " Liam starts, but he can't finish.
"Do it," Zayn says. His eyes flit back and forth from Liam's eyes to his mouth. Or his nose. Liam isn't sure. He has a pretty big nose.
"I - " Liam says.
"Do it," Zayn says again, this time closing his eyes and waiting for whatever Liam will give to him.
Liam kisses Zayn, then. He feels Zayn relax further into the bed, his face pressing into the touch of Liam's hand. His entire body turns towards Liam and curls up into Liam and completely opens itself to Liam. Liam is careful to only touch Zayn with his fingertips, gentle. When he pulls away, he touches his ring finger to Zayn's bottom lip until Zayn pokes his tongue out and licks it.
"Is that all?" Zayn says. He's got his arms around Liam's neck and his leg is wrapped around Liam's the back of Liam's thighs, pulling him closer. "Is that what you've been worrying about?"
Liam chokes on a burst of laughter and shakes his head at the idea of telling Zayn. He feels beyond ecstatic enough from this, just this. This is enough. This is what he wants.
"What is it?" Zayn says. He kisses Liam's chin, down his neck. Kisses Liam's birthmark, hands moving down and under his shirt to touch the skin on his back, careful, his fingertips trailing up and down Liam's spine. He suddenly wants Zayn to go lower. He wants Zayn so bad. Anything, he wants anything from Zayn, anything Zayn will give him.
"I'm not sure - it's kind of - do you remember that article?" Liam says. "The one Louis read?"
"About the sperm facials?" Zayn says, sounding confused.
"I want - that," Liam says, and then he hides his face in the space on the bed next to Zayn's head, hoping to suffocate himself.
"You want a sperm facial?" Zayn says.
"Um, well, not exactly," Liam says.
"Oh," Zayn says. His fingertips dip into Liam's jeans and he grazes the very top of Liam's tailbone. Liam's jerks back into the touch, wanting more. Anything.
"I shouldn't have said anything," Liam says. He tries to get up and off of Zayn but Zayn won't let go of him. "I'm sorry. I should go."
"Don't," Zayn says.
He pulls Liam's head down towards him and kisses him some more, until Liam stops trying to get away.
"You don't think that's weird?" Liam says. "That I want to come on your face?"
Zayn groans and rocks his hips up into Liam, who's straddling Zayn's waist, and Liam feels that Zayn is hard through his sweatpants.
"I want you to," Zayn says. "If you want to."
Liam wants to quiz Zayn on how long he's wanted it, if he's thought about it before, and for how long, if it's for as long as Liam has been, if he feels like he was put under a spell, everything. But then he realizes, it's not like that. Zayn just wants to give Liam what he wants, because that's what Zayn wants.
Zayn kissing Liam is enough of a distraction that he doesn't notice Zayn's undone his jeans for him until Zayn is in the middle of pushing them down his thighs.
"What are you - let me - "
Liam frantically kicks his jeans off the rest off the way as Zayn helps him out of his shirt.
"How do you want it?"
"I don't know," Liam says. "You could probably just look at it and I'd go off."
Zayn laughs at that and gets his sweatpants off. Liam takes in his skinny thighs and his stomach and his cock, straining against his underwear. He's seen Zayn naked before, dozens of times, accidentally or whatever, but never like this, never hard and wanting.
"You've thought about it a lot?" Zayn says. "Is that why you were being so mean?"
"Like, all the time. I'm so sorry. I had this dream I was Batman and you were Catwoman."
Zayn appears to think about this and nods in agreement like everything makes perfect sense, and then he surges up against Liam and pushes him lightly until Liam is on his back.
"You don't have to do anything," Liam says.
"I want to, you have no idea," Zayn says, and it's almost better than actually doing anything, Zayn telling Liam he wants it, he wants Liam, that Liam isn't a horrible monster. It means so much.
Zayn sucks at Liam's cock through his underwear before taking it out and jacking it with his hand. Liam hides his eyes in the crook of his elbow until he realizes the entire point of this is so he could see what Zayn looks like and he forces himself to sit up as best he can, putting his weight on his hands. Zayn doesn't take his eyes off Liam's face as he works Liam's cock, licking at the head every once in a while, getting precome on his lips, mouth open, waiting for whatever Liam gives to him.
"Come on my face," Zayn says. "I want you to."
"Fuck," Liam says, thrusting up into Zayn's fist only, embarrassingly, once before his cock pulses, streaking Zayn's face with his come.
Liam is so turned on, even still, but he also feels like he should apologize. There's come all over Zayn's face. All down his chin, at the corner of his mouth. He licks at it and closes his eyes, the long sweep of his eyelashes getting dipped in the come high on his cheek, sticking to them a little bit. Liam's cock twitches at the sight. He takes his thumb and rubs the come on Zayn's cheekbone into his skin and he can't believe he's doing this, how filthy he feels, how filthy Zayn looks. It's so much better than any half formed fantasy he could ever come up with. He can't believe he's actually done this, and he wants to do it again, and again.
"God," Liam says, dipping his thumb into Zayn's mouth. "God, I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Zayn moans around it.
"You look amazing," Liam says. "You're so beautiful."
It's not even close to everything that he wants to say. He pulls Zayn up over him gets his hand on Zayn's cock to jerk him off until he comes all over Liam's fingers, kissing Liam, messy, his mouth tasting of Liam.
~*~
"Let this be a lesson," Zayn says after they've both showered because it may be sexy in the heat of the moment, but staying covered in come is gross, even for Liam, who apparently has a thing for it.
"Huh?" Liam says. He's distracted by Zayn dabbing moisturizer under his eyes. "Let me."
Liam takes his ringer fing and rubs the lotion into Zayn's face, gently, taking such care of Zayn. Zayn looks pleased that he remembered and does let Liam, trusts him, even with his eyeballs.
"To never keep secrets from me again," Zayn says. He traps Liam's hands in his own and Liam touches Zayn's the skin on Zayn's wrists with his the tip of his pinky.
"I won't," Liam says.
"And to remember that I love you forever and nothing you say can scare me off because I'm your best friend," Zayn says.
"I will," Liam says.
"And to always tell me all the gross sex pervert things in your mind," Zayn says, teasing him now, batting his eyelashes.
"I will," Liam says again, never more serious about anything in his life.
He promises it with a kiss to Zayn's cheek, and Zayn promises back with a kiss to Liam's lips, and they promise each other so many things back and forth that Liam loses count, but he intends to keep them all.