Archive of Our Own ^beta

How long has it been since I last saw my light? The light that freed me from the clinging memory of Siam, and all the mistakes of my past.

I never knew that I needed to be saved, but before I even realized it I found that all our encounters, the heated and destructive battles we both took part in, freed me from him. Being around Canaan, looking at her, shattered the chains of my past and allowed me to live in the now. Before our last fight on the train, when she literally had my life in her hands, I was convinced I didn't need anyone.

I had thought love was a weakness, emotional ties to others merely a means to exploit others. In the end I was wrong, and all my plans went astray. I had expected to kill her, and with her - the ghost that haunted me. But at that moment when her warm hand gripped mine and she held me and refused to let me fall I was filled with the strangest feeling I had ever encountered before.

Looking back at the time, I did not like the sensation, yet I also found it one of the most wonderful things that had ever occurred. She evoked such contrasting feelings in me, and always had…. I hated her, and yet her every word had always enraptured me, just as her exceptional mind, and her beauty had. Standing next to a girl like her, I could only always pale in comparison, but for the first time I didn't care about that.

When Canaan poured her heart out to me about how I was already dead I became alive. I realized there was only one way to free myself. I really was already dead. After all, I lived off these encounters with Canaan. She was my light… She was my everything. I was nothing but a parasite.

I was in love with Canaan. I had felt lust of course, especially every time I had her at my mercy; whenever we fought and I had her trapped beneath me I inwardly trembled at the thought of how much power I had over her. I had ignored that impure desire, chosen not to acknowledge the fact that it even existed.

I hated the jealousy that came with it, how close she was with the girl known as Maria Osawa. Mostly I hated how I did not understand myself anymore, or rather, never had. I hated that feeling of helplessness that came with confusion and intense emotions, I hated many things.

So, I shot my own limb off… and planned to fall to my death and get rid of all the distasteful things that I despised. I shot off the mark that bound me to him, the tattoo, the snake. As each bullet tore through the bone in my arm, a realization slowly stuck home. When I fell with my left hand still clutched in Canaan's, along with most of the arm, another realization hit me.

The lust had not changed to love. No, the love had always been there. It had been hidden in the crevices of my heart for so long, I had denied it so much more than I denied the lust. The lust I could accept, yes, it was completely understandable. Canaan was exceptionally beautiful, loyal and kind, yet able to get what she wanted and the job done at the same time. Hair of snow and skin of caramel. The skin I had always wanted to touch. Yes, yes, the lust was very reasonable. Who wouldn't desire someone such as her? She was my type after all.

However, love was a completely different story; love was completely unacceptable, incomprehensible. Someone like me was incapable of such emotions! That's what I told myself for so long. I told myself also that love was a weakness, love was pathetic, love was ridiculous, love didn't truly exist!

Yet the proof was right in front of me.

What is love anyway? Back then, I didn't know, I thought Liang Qi was completely and utterly foolish for using it as her motive of action. After all, it did end up being her death. Not only did it blind you, hinder you, it also made you at risk of getting hurt. Liang's love was unrequited, so was it worth even being there in the first place? Why risk having the person you desire not want you back? Of course, Liang was blind to how uninterested I was. Crazy really wasn't my type, even if she was beyond attractive. That only furthered my beliefs on how ignorant people were who fought with the use of love. Liang was so blinded by it that she chose not to, and or was unable to tell if it was also felt by me.

Why choose not to see the truth?

Thinking that as I fell to my death, I understood it all. No one chooses who they love or when it happens. Love is one of those emotions that are impossible to understand, for it's different for all who felt it. Sometimes it was hard to notice, and sometimes it consumed you as it did with Liang who needed me so badly that even the physical pain I brought to her became a pleasure. In the end, I hurt Liang Qi more than I had hurt any before her. I had even cared about her to an extent; she was like a little lost puppy following me around. She needed me, and for a while I liked that sensation, that someone depended on me, my approval. It became too much though, and so I played with her as if she was a toy.

So how long has it been since then? One year, two? That doesn't matter at all; all that does matter is that she is here now. My arm has not been replaced; I don't think it ever will be, though I am not any less powerful than before– because I understand now.

"Alphard Al Shua."

I nearly tremble at the sound of her voice, it has more power over me than it ever had before. I believe the proverb goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It was true; being apart from her for so long made me understand just how precious she was to me. "It's been a very long time."

"I see you have stolen my style, Canaan," I teased. The flirtatious, light tone was awkward and unfamiliar, even to me who'd been practicing for days. My cheeks burned as I beckoned to her hair, worn in a ponytail just like mine. In the past she'd worn her pale white locks straight and down. She raised a single slim eyebrow, her eyes the color of roses.

"I wasn't aware you had a sense of humor," She said softly; she said it as if it meant nothing, but there was a glint in her eyes. As if she knew the feelings in my heart. Perhaps she did. "You are a very strange color."

Hearing that, my lips curled into a smile; I rested a single hand in the pocket of my black trenchcoat, "I have gained many things since we last met, and a sense of humor is but one. Do you remember what I told you, how there is no need for two Canaans?"

She nodded, seeming very interested in what I had to say.

Canaan has her weapon in her hand, but I can tell just from her expression that she knows I mean no harm. "There isn't. I am no longer Canaan; I can accept that now more than ever. That person does not exist, the person before I killed Siam... or the one who wanted to kill you afterward. In fact, I haven't killed a single person ever since that day."

"Then I am very much curious why I was told by Natsume to kill you, you are the one-handed woman, of that I'm sure."

"Of course it's me unless you know any other amputated women. In truth, it was a favor. I was so desperate to see you again, and I had enough money to convince her," I said softly, I am enchanted by Canaan's vivid eyes as a stray breeze blows her porcelain hair. Gorgeous. She narrowed her eyes into slits, curiosity evident in the now chestnut orbs.

"How did you even survive…..and why do you want to see me in the first place?" She demanded.

I struggled to speak, a bit embarrassed. But eventually the words came out. "Because I love you. As for how I survived, I don't really know. I wasn't hurt all that bad either considering that I'm fully functional, I like to think about its fate," I murmured, looking up into the midnight sky.

Standing here on this rooftop with Canaan was heaven. I thanked God for this– I'd waited so long for this night. "I know you won't ever forgive me for what I did, I don't even know if I can forgive myself, but I know things now that Siam had been trying to make me understand all along!"

"That doesn't matter anymore Alphard, I'm past all that! Are you truly so twisted that you'd try to get rid of Siam's memory by playing with my heart?" She asked in a low tone.

"I figured you wouldn't understand."

Canaan stiffened as I reached into my coat. She was more confused than ever, her eyes crimson once again. I know she thought I was about to attack her. I was past the violence and destruction, I would admit that a part of me still yearned for it, but I didn't want to be consumed by it again. The clear plastic covering crumpled in my hand, as I pulled the item out.

"So, let me explain.""

Canaan's eyes widened at the sight of my roses. I got them for her. "Flowers? You are so different, Alphard…."

"I changed because of you, Canaan," I whispered, stepping closer. Her eyes grew wide as she stumbled back a couple feet away from me. "What color am I?"

"You… you are every color I have ever seen" The dark girl finally forced out, seeming frightened. "You are the color…of -knowledge and understanding. Of mental peace and emotional balance. But mostly you are the color of love, but I refuse to believe-"

She went silent when I wrapped my single arm around her, pulling her close. It was like hugging a glacier at first: solid, stiff, and cold, then she slowly began to thaw, and my heart warmed as she rested one arm around my waist, and the other around my neck.

"Canaan. I love you. More than anything in this world, I know it is so hard to believe, and I know that you love Maria, but I want to have a chance."

"Maria? She's a friend Alphard, nothing more, nothing less, I thought you understood that."

"I can't believe you did all that for a friend. It's too ridiculous," I mumbled, "It terrifies me to think what you would do for a lover then, but if you're not with her then I don't care about anything else. I want to be with you, I… love you."

"You love me?"

The silence was almost painful.

Canaan licked her lips. "Alphard, you realize Liang Qi once wanted that of you, and you thought her ridiculous?"

I nodded, flinching. Just thinking about it made me feel guilty. "Well… you are most likely a very important person to me too… I've been thinking about you a lot, Alphard. I was glad when you reached out, I had a feeling that things were different this time."

"They are," I blinked a couple times before grinning, and handing her my bouquet of roses, "Then you accept these?"

"Hmmm, most likely," She snatched them from me, hugging my good arm into her breasts, "So lover-girl, where were you planning on taking me after your brilliant confession?" She asked.

I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "I…I umm, really didn't think that far ahead…"I chuckled, and she smirked.

"A date at a restaurant sounds nice to me," Canaan suddenly decided, seeming rather cheery as she leaned in closer," but it has to be expensive, also you have to pay for it."

"Jeez, now you're just being cold-hearted," I muttered, but I basked in her warmth and eagerness. "However, I think it's a good idea too. Let's go."