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She loves to watch the way Ladd deals with each of his victims, because there is almost always so intimate, so personal about it that, for that brief moment, she can see something in his eyes so very similar to the way he looks at her when they're alone together. Lua knows that it is not the same, that those very subtle differences mean a lot from him, and that how he looks at her and how he deals with her and how he will eventually kill her...all of it is special, unlike anything he has ever done or felt before in his life.
She knows all of this, and she loves to watch him because of how beautiful it is, but there is always another emotion mingling there, under the surface, and it nags at her and becomes increasingly harder to ignore. No matter how she reminds herself that she is special to him, that those others only mean something to him in the moment, never before and never after, she can't escape the sickening pit in her stomach whenever she realizes that she envies each and every one of his victims.
It isn't right of her to feel this way, and she realizes that from the beginning. After all he has done for her and all he will do for her, she knows that she should know better than to give in to petty jealousy like that. Ladd has done nothing to deserve her doubting him or his feelings, and there is absolutely nothing for her to worry about, so she knows that it is wrong of her to feel so nauseous when she thinks back on how he smiled at this victim, what he said to that one.
Part of it is just her own anticipation, which is only natural. She wants it to be her turn so much that it would be impossible not to at least be a little bit jealous that there are so many others who get to die by his hand first, who get to be on the receiving end of that wonderful, wonderful ending. Someday she is going to have her chance, but in the mean time, she has to watch others, and that would be enough to make anyone a little bit jealous.
But there is a difference between jealousy and envy, and though it is jealousy that she feels when she thinks about the fact there is someone else getting what she wants, it is envy that she feels when she thinks about the fact that there is something she wants that he cannot give to her yet. It is envy that makes her feel as though something is missing even when she has everything she could ever want, and it is envy that drives her to long for more, always more.
He has given her life more purpose than anything ever could, and he has made her feel so very alive for the first time. She has always had an attraction to death, but it is only since falling in love with him that she has begun to appreciate the life that leads up to her death, that she has felt like there is a life to be taken away from her in the first place, and she feels so guilty that she is so plagued with envy.
With all that she has now, she should not crave more and look at those who have what she wants with contempt, but she does. Her entire body goes tense, her stomach turns, her heart feels as though it is being squeezed, and she can't help hating anyone and everyone who has gotten there before her. There are nights when she can't sleep because she can't stop thinking about how it should be her, she should be the only one, and her envy comes so close to consuming her.
She knows that her thoughts are all wrong, and even so, she can't rid herself of them. Ladd loves her- of this, she has no doubt- and sees her as so much more than his usual victims. He is dragging things out with her because of how special she is to him, and he has a purpose to his plans that he never bothers formulating with anyone else. In fact, she could even go so far as to say that his victims have become nothing more than a part of her eventual death, like an offering of sorts to make her that much more special, and because of that, her envy is misplaced.
It is them who should be envying her, she knows. She is the only one he cares enough about to make it perfect, the only one he can wait for, and she is more important to him than any of them. He forgets them all in time, but even when she is gone, he will never be able to forget her, because she is more than what they could ever hope to be. And so, she knows it is wrong for her to want more before her time, and she is guilty for coming so close to doubting Ladd's affection so many times.
She worries about what might happen if he finds out, if he will be angry with her or hurt by it, and she is grateful that concealing her emotions has always come naturally to her. Her face never betrays her, not unless she wants it to, and she never feels her mouth so much as twitch when she's overcome with her sickening jealousy. She keeps it to herself even as it eats at her, and she is so certain that it is her secret, and her secret alone, that it takes her by surprise when he is the one to bring it up.
“You know you don't gotta be so jealous all the time,” he says, his tone light and easy. When she looks up at him, eyes widening slightly, he laughs. “Baby, I can read you like a book, ya know? And I can tell when something's bothering you, and it wasn't too hard to figure out what it is.”
“Ladd, I...” She wonders if he can also tell just how worried she is now.
“It's fine, doll,” he replies, his tone just as light, but then he pulls her in for a tight embrace, resting his face in her hair and taking in her scent before he speaks again. Lua smiles against his chest, and catches herself fantasizing about how easily he could break her spine. “I understand, you know I understand better than anyone.” His voice is slightly muffled by the top of her head.
“But you've got to understand too, right?” She nods and he continues, “You understand why I do everything I do, angel. It's all for you, every last bit of it! So please, try not to let it bother you too much, okay?” Again, she nods and she grips the lapels of his coat between her fists, holding onto him as his arms tighten around her. “Such a good little angel, you know that? Besides! The anticipation is always going to make it that much better, and they don't get that anticipation, now, do they?”
“So I guess,” she says, giving voice to some of her private thoughts, “they should envy me instead.” She pulls back from the hug just a little bit while she speaks, just enough to make eye contact. Ladd's face is unreadable for a moment, as he processes what she has just said, before he's grinning, proud of her.
“Exactly!” he says, and her lips curl into a small smile.