Archive of Our Own ^beta

Merlin allowed himself a quick glance, no more, and then he looked away. Then looked back again. Then away again. This time for good.

Gwaine looked very good strutting around shirtless it was true. But looking didn’t mean anything. It was just one of those stupid things teenage boys did because they were overly hormonal, but he, Merlin, knew could stop looking at guys any time he wanted. Tomorrow in fact.

He felt someone’s gaze on him and looked up to see Arthur Pendragon smirking at him.

Merlin’s blood froze solid in his veins. Merlin knew that his quick glances in Gwaine’s direction didn’t mean anything but Arthur was gay and therefore likely to read way too much into it.

Merlin grabbed his things as quickly as he could and practically ran out of the locker room. He didn’t need people seeing Arthur smirking at him like that. If people thought they were so much as acquaintances he was dead. The guy Arthur had been caught with over the summer had had to leave the school. Merlin couldn’t even remember his name. He could only remember watching with a twisted stomach as Valiant and his friends crowded around him curled up on the floor, his bloodied face, the sound of boot on flesh as they kicked his ribs in.

He was still on edge walking across the schoolyard, so tense his shoulders were practically up around his ears, until a sudden cry of “Merlin!” and jovial slap on the back made him jump about ten feet in the air.

“Sorry,” Will said, “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Merlin laughed nervously. “It’s fine,” he said. “Sorry. What class have we got now?”

“Jesus Merlin, its week 6,” Will said. “You get thumped on the head in gym or something?”

Merlin’s heart skittered at the mention of his gym class, but he just looked at Will apologetically.

“Biology,” Will said with an enormous grin.

Merlin cocked an eyebrow. “I thought you hate Biology.”

“Yeah,” Will said, a dreamy look spreading across his face. “But there’s this new girl, she was in my English class too....she’s so hot. Seriously Merlin, blonde, boobs like this –“ he demonstrated the shape of them with his hands on his chest “- haven’t seen much of her legs but....”

Merlin tuned him out. Arthur wouldn’t have seen, he thought, and even if he did, so what? He probably knows it doesn’t mean anything, you’re being stupid. And who would he tell anyway? Nobody talks to him anymore. You’re over-thinking it, just calm down.

“....and she’s–“

“Yeah, ok,” Merlin said, cutting him off. “What’s her name, so I know which one to check out?”

“Vivian,” Will replied.

Vivian was indeed very pretty.

Merlin spent the first half hour of class studiously scrutinising her side profile and dutifully trying to imagine what her breasts might look like from the outline of them under her shirt. Annoyingly however, Percival was sat right in front of him, wearing a sleeveless top. Every so often, Merlin would sneak a glance at his biceps and strong shoulders, following the slight V shape the outline of his shirt made from his broad shoulders to his waist, before wrenching his gaze away and making himself focus on Vivian again.

He was concentrating so hard he hardly heard when the teacher called his name to ask him to explain the role of mitochondria in cells, and when the bell for lunch rang he left the class with a thumping headache.

“How hot is she?” Will crowed the moment they were in the corridor.

“Yeah,” Merlin said miserably. “She’s a babe.”

“Now, she’s new,” Will was saying, “so she doesn’t know I’m a loser yet.”

Merlin snorted. “Pretty sure that’s obvious as soon as she looks at you mate.”

“Oi! Anyway maybe she needs someone to show her around. And that someone could be me.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Merlin said.

“It could happen! She’s here because her dad is a friend of Arthur Pendragon’s dad –“

Merlin felt rivers of anxiety tumble down from his neck to his guts.

“- so people might not want to hang around her straightaway, even though she’s hot. So, if I ask him to introduce me or something, I could be in first, cause no one else will think to talk to Arthur see? But we’ll have to strike soon.”

“How soon?” Merlin asked.

“Now,” Will said.

“Now?!” Merlin squeaked.

“Yes now. We can’t waste any time, Valiant’s probably already moving in or something.”

“But we don’t know where he sits....” Merlin protested feebly.

Will gave him a funny look, so Merlin caved in with a sigh.

“Alright,” Will said, “Gwen says she saw him with his sister and her friends down by the tennis courts yesterday, he probably hangs out there. Come on.”

“Where is Gwen?” Merlin asked, desperate for the company of someone female between himself and Arthur. Maybe then Arthur would get the hint. Not that it was even confirmed he thought there was anything strange about Merlin or anything.

God Merlin, he only smirked at you. That’s it. Calm down.

“Dunno. We gotta do this quick or Gwen’ll be waiting for us for ages.”

“Shouldn’t we just go get her first so she’s not?”

Will gave him a strange look. “You want me to bring Gwen on a mission to meet a hot girl? That sends out the wrong signals Merlin.”

“Maybe not,” Merlin argued. “Vivian’s hot, she probably gets hit on all the time by skeezy guys like you. It might make her feel more comfortable if we have a girl with us, less like you’re just trying to hit on her.”

Will stopped, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said eventually, “let’s go get Gwen.”

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief, as they double-backed down the corridor and re-routed to the cafeteria to pick up Gwen.

Gwen’s face quickly changed from confused to thunderous when Will explained what they were doing.

“That’s despicable,” she said, “You’re taking advantage of her vulnerable position right now.”

“I am not!” Will argued, “If she doesn’t want to be shown around she just has to say no. It’s not like I’m forcing her to go out with me.”

Gwen huffed. Merlin quickly tried to use her poor reaction to his own advantage. “Maybe she’s right Will,” he said, as they trudged across the yard to the tennis courts, where Morgana Pendragon and her group were sitting, Arthur visible on the edges of it. “Maybe it’s not –“

“Oh shut up Merlin,” Will snapped, and then it was too late, they were standing in front of a circle of people sitting by tennis courts, each of them wearing identical what-the-fuck-do-you-want expressions on their faces.

“Hi,” Will said brightly, “sorry, Arthur, not sure if we’ve met, my name is Will....”

Arthur pursed his lips at him in an expression of confusion. Merlin’s breath hitched as Arthur’s eyes roved from Will to Merlin, and he moved imperceptibly closer to Gwen - but not imperceptibly enough, according to the slight smirk now playing around the corners of Arthur's mouth. Merlin flushed a deep red.

“....and I was wondering if we could talk?” Will cocked his head to indicate over-there-in-private.

Arthur raised an eyebrow, and turned to look at Morgana, whose face showed a mingled expression of disbelief and curiosity.

“Sure,” he said finally, pushing himself up from the ground and dusting his hands.

“Great,” Will said, pasting a sunny smile on his face.

Arthur looked at him like he was mentally challenged, but walked obligingly away from the rest of the group nonetheless.

“Listen,” Will said without preamble the moment the four of them were alone. “That Vivian girl.”

Arthur immediately rolled his eyes like he already knew where Will was going, but didn’t interrupt.

“She’s staying with you right?”

“Unfortunately,” Arthur replied.

“Right,” Will said, looking Arthur up and down. “Well, I guess someone like you wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate her –“

Arthur’s face darkened at the slight – for some reason, Merlin felt embarrassed of Will and hung his head, trying to put as much distance between himself and this ridiculous idea as possible.

“- but anyway, I was wondering if you could introduce us or something? I’m just – er – concerned that she hasn’t made any friends yet –“

“- it’s only her first day,” Arthur interrupted.

“- and thought maybe I could help show her around or something.”

Arthur snorted, and folded his arms.

“Yeah, fine, I’ll introduce you,” he said.

“Really?” Will asked in amazement.

“Yes,” Arthur replied, and his mouth twitched. “It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” Will said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Arthur looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and Will immediately stopped and folded his arms in feigned disinterest. “Er – I know you’re busy and all, so you know, whenever suits you guys, doesn’t have to be right away...”

“No no,” Arthur said brightly, “why not right now, she must be lonely I’m sure.”

“Er –“ Will hesitated. Clearly, he had thought Arthur would ask Vivian alone, at home, and possibly give her his number.  

“Don’t want to keep her waiting?” Arthur asked.

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh, which he quickly turned into a cough when Will turned to look at him.

Will straightened his shoulders.

“No, let’s go,” he said.

“Great!” Arthur beamed.

He turned and walked away, leaving Will, Gwen and Merlin flailing to catch up.

They followed him across the school until they reached the front steps, where they found Vivian sitting, already surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls.

“Hello Vivian,” Arthur said pleasantly. Vivian looked up and her face coloured in displeasure.

“Arthur,” she said dismissively, turning her face back toward Kara. “So anyway –“

“Lovely day,” Arthur said, plainly not willing to play along with her game of pretending not to know him.

Vivian sighed and turned back to him as though it physically pained her to do so.

“What?” she snapped.

Merlin couldn’t help but feel a stab of pity for Arthur. Vivian was supposed to be a friend of the family’s, yet one day at Camelot High and already she knew not to talk to him. What must that be like knowing that just to be seen with you was social suicide? Especially for someone like Arthur, who had easily been one of the most popular people in their year till he’d been discovered with his hand down another boy’s pants.

“This is my friend Will,” Arthur said confidently, waving a hand at Will who was now bright red and looking at though he wished the ground would swallow him whole. “He kindly offered to show you around on your first day.”

Vivian looked at Will with a wrinkle on her face that suggested someone had put dung under her nose.

“Thanks but I don’t need it,” she said, and turned back to her friends.

Arthur turned back to Will. “Well there you are. Sorry mate, don’t think she needs any help.”

He walked away, leaving Will frozen with mortification until Merlin and Gwen jogged him back to his senses and they all but ran back to their usual table in the cafeteria.

Will didn’t say anything for a long time while Merlin and Gwen ate their lunch and tried not to smile.

It wasn’t until Merlin plopped a sandwich down in front of him with a smirk that Will was jolted back into speech.

“That faggot,” he said furiously.

“Hey!” Gwen said, “There’s no need for language like that!”

“He knew he’d be humiliating me!”

“He did exactly what you asked him to,” Gwen said, “and your plan was pretty skeezy.”

“He shouldn’t’ve – if he knew that would happen, he shouldn’t’ve said yes!”

“You insulted him,” Merlin pointed out, “plus, now you know she’s a bitch.”

“How did I insult him?!” Will asked.

“You said someone like him wouldn’t be able to appreciate her or something,” Merlin said.

“How is that an insult?! It’s true, he’s gay! He wouldn’t appreciate her looks!”

Merlin hesitated. Was it drawing too many unwanted parallels between himself and Arthur if he said he wouldn’t have liked the phrase “someone like you” either? What if Will thought he was a little too understanding?

“I dunno it was just the way you said it,” Merlin mumbled.

“Well clearly he was annoyed because you don’t have to be a straight man to see she’s a bitch, and he knew that about her already but you wouldn’t give him the chance to explain,” Gwen said, rescuing him. “And don’t worry about it Will, Vivian’s a stuck up bitch, she’ll have forgotten all about you by tomorrow anyway. You wouldn’t have even registered compared to Arthur reminding her they know each other in front of her new friends anyway.”

Merlin took a moment to admire the brilliance and simplicity of a plan that managed to embarrass both Will and Vivian in a single stroke.

“Yeah,” Will said, moodily taking a bit out of his sandwich. “I suppose.”

***

Merlin closed his locker, and then reached for the padlock to unlock it again. Maybe he could bring home his chemistry textbook, pretend to be doing chemistry homework when Will inevitably came over to bitch about Arthur and Vivian. Will hated chemistry.

Just as he’d made up his mind to do so, a soft “Hi” came from his right and he turned around to see Arthur leaning against the lockers.

He quickly glanced around to make sure no one was around to see Arthur talking to him, then cursed his own insensitivity when he saw Arthur’s face close up.

“I’m sorry,” he said genuinely, “I didn’t mean to, it was just.....”

He stopped before he could dig himself any further into the hole he’d created.

“I understand,” Arthur said quickly, shoulders relaxing a little. “But don’t worry, there’s no one around.”

Merlin relaxed minutely but the buzzing of trepidation at Arthur’s seeking him out didn’t go away.

This was it, he’d come to talk to him about gym this morning.

“Your name is Merlin right?” Arthur asked.

“Yes,” Merlin said nervously.

“You can tell your friend Will,” Arthur said, “That I’m sorry. My temper runs away with me sometimes, and I don’t stop to think. I shouldn’t have introduced him to Vivian like that. So I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Merlin said. This wasn’t about him at all, this was about Will. Relief pounded through him, unwinding his muscles so his whole body felt like it was deflating like a balloon.

“Yeah ok,” he said with a smile, “Though to be honest, he probably deserved it. Well, not that maybe, that was pretty embarrassing, but something. He was being a twat.”

Arthur looked surprised.

“He was,” he agreed. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Merlin said cheerfully.

“How did you become friends with him anyway?” Arthur asked.

“Oh, we grew up together, he lives next door. So I’m kind of stuck with him. But he’s not that bad, once you get to know him. He’s a pretty solid friend, he just makes an idiot of himself every other day.”

“Only every other day?” Arthur asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I do my best,” Merlin said, “Imagine what he’d be like alone.”

“I can already see the restraining orders,” Arthur said dryly.

Merlin laughed.

“Yeah,” he said, “And um, about what he said to you as well, bout the “someone like you” thing...he won’t say it, but I’m sorry about that.”

Arthur looked at him in surprise.

“Just cause...” Merlin began to feel uncomfortable. Had he made a mistake? “I dunno, in case it was offensive...”

Arthur was still looking at him.

“I mean, I don’t know about these things, I’m not...,” he stopped.

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“I never said you were anything,” he said.

Shit.

“I know you didn’t, I wasn’t – wasn’t saying you did or anything, just cause....in case I misread...”

And fuck now Arthur was giving him that same smirk he’d given him when he’d seen him looking at Gwaine.

Merlin wanted to shout at him to get those misconceptions out of his head, he was straight damnit, but he couldn’t say anything without making the whole situation worse. He needed to get out of here now.

“Well, it was, erm, nice meeting you and I’ll pass your message along to Will,” he said, and then, because he couldn’t think of how else to end an acquaintance you sincerely hoped would never develop any further, he stuck out his hand for Arthur to shake.

Arthur accepted it trying very obviously not to laugh and Merlin was seized by a desire to punch him in the face.

Who did he think he was, laughing at Merlin? The man had so few friends these days he had to sit with his older sister and her group at lunch. Merlin was probably the only person in their year to be nice to him this semester.

“Right,” Merlin snapped, “Well, I’ll just be off then.”

He turned and all but ran away.

***

Merlin spent the rest of the afternoon at Will’s playing Fable III and bitching about how Arthur was a stuck-up, rich prat who’d forgotten that just because he used to be cool didn’t mean he could still be rude to the scholarship kids. Will talked a lot about Vivian too, but Merlin was less interested in that.

Merlin didn’t have any classes with Arthur all morning, for which he was extremely grateful. He managed to avoid him completely until he was walking past the tennis courts to History at the end of lunch.

Arthur looked up and gave him a polite smile. Merlin returned it out of habit, then cursed himself for an idiot. What if anyone had seen them smiling at each other?

Then he realised he was so paranoid (which, as a comfortably straight man, he had no reason to be), that he was begrudging Arthur even a polite smile, when he knew full well that Arthur had been sniggered at, gossiped about and avoided for six whole weeks. What kind of prick was he?

Merlin groaned at his own upcoming stupidity, but spun around nonetheless.

“Hi,” he said, walking over to Arthur.

“Hi,” Arthur said, after a moment’s hesitation.

“What class do you have now?” Merlin asked politely.

“Um,” Arthur said, “Economics.”

“Right,” Merlin said. He hesitated. He’d actually never really spoken to Arthur properly before. Prior to Arthur’s accidental outing over the summer holidays, they’d moved in very different social circles – Arthur with the sporty high achievers and fellow members of the football team, and Merlin with Will and Gwen. He had no idea what to say to him.

“Um,” he asked, “do you like Economics?”

Arthur looked at him.

“Listen,” he said, “You don’t have to pity-chat me.”

“What?!” Merlin asked.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me,” Arthur said, “You’re Mr. Super Straight and you don’t want to be seen with me –“

Anger at Arthur’s sarcastic tone in the phrase “Mr. Super Straight” spiked Merlin’s blood pressure so quickly he thought he actually might pass out from it.

“- and that’s fine, just don’t make it awkward by feeling like you have to pity-chat me.”

“I am straight,” Merlin seethed. Arthur snorted.

“Right,” Arthur said, rolling his eyes. “I believe you.”

It was the final straw for Merlin.

“You know what?” he raged. “You did need a pity-chat. Cause I don’t see people lining up for your company. And you can consider that the last pity chat you’ll receive from me. So probably the last conversation you’ll have with anyone your own age for the rest of the year then.”

Arthur flushed a deep red.

Merlin spun on his heel and walked away before the guilt could reach his face.

***

Merlin tried to hang onto his anger over the aspersions Arthur cast on his sexuality throughout History, but it was no good. He kept replaying his last words to him and the angry, humiliated look on Arthur’s face over and over until he was all but squirming in his seat.

He tried valiantly to let Will distract him from his thoughts throughout Chemistry, but it was no good. He was going to have to apologise.

Merlin waved Will off after class with the excuse that Mr. Kilgarrah had asked him to see him after school in History, and then padded nervously through the corridors to the lockers he thought he had seen Arthur hanging around before.

He was rewarded with the sight of Arthur slamming a locker door closed, but punished with the vision of Valiant and his friends laughing together just a few metres away from him.

Damn. What was he supposed to do now?

Valiant jeered a little when he saw Arthur, but Arthur gathered up his things into his bag like he couldn’t even hear him, back straight and shoulders set. Merlin couldn’t help but feel a tiny surge of respect.

Getting no reaction, Valiant turned his back on Arthur, putting him directly in Merlin’s eyeline. He quickly ducked behind the wall and, feeling foolish, watched Arthur walk towards the door at the end of the corridor that led to the school oval.

Maybe Arthur planned to cut across it to the street opposite? He could run around the front of the school and catch him up, and apologise to him where Valiant wouldn’t see.

Legs burning, Merlin ran out the front of the school, down the road and turned right onto the street adjoining the oval just as Arthur stepped onto it, a hundred metres down the path.

Merlin slowed to a walk, and tried to get his breathing back under control, not wanting to seem like he was literally chasing after Arthur.

He strolled as casually as he could up behind him, but his panting must have given him away. Arthur turned around and raised an eyebrow at him quizzically.

“Hi,” Merlin said.

“Hi,” Arthur said.

“Hi,” Merlin repeated again out of nerves, then cursed himself. What was wrong with him?

Arthur looked like he was trying not to laugh again, so Merlin scrambled to say what he had come to say, before Arthur could rile him up again or he could make even more of an idiot of himself than he already had.

“Look, it’s my turn to apologise to you. I was really cruel in what I said to you this afternoon, and I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Arthur said, “well, that’s alright.”

“Great,” Merlin said, “See you round then.”

He turned around.

“Wait,” Arthur said, “You ran after me and that’s all you’re going to say?”

“Do I have to say anything else?” Merlin asked.

“If you’re that keen to talk to me you do,” Arthur replied.

“That keen to - !” Merlin spluttered. “You are so arrogant!”

Arthur grinned.

“Well, you’re the one puffing and panting,” he said. “The evidence speaks for itself.”

Merlin blushed, and it wasn’t because of the sexual images that phrase evoked, because there definitely weren’t any.

“Well you walk really fast,” he retorted, “and it was more about clearing my conscience than you.”

“Of course,” Arthur smirked.

“Wow, can you see from in there?” Merlin asked.

“From in where?”

“From where your head’s shoved up your arse.”

Arthur actually laughed, walking down the street again. 

“What are you in grade 3?” he asked.

“No, that’s just your level of intelligence,” Merlin retorted, hurrying to follow him.

“Still beats yours then,” Arthur said.

Merlin was temporarily stumped, something Arthur seemed to notice going by the smug look on his face.

“Well....least I’m not a clotpole,” he said, immediately wishing he could trade anything in the world to take it back.

“A what?” Arthur said, laughing.

God why was Merlin given the power of speech.  “It’s a special word, can only be used for the biggest of fuckwits.”

“Oh naturally,” Arthur said, smiling widely. Merlin couldn’t help but notice his teeth were a little bit crooked, but that it suited him. “And you’re the expert judge on that right?”

“Of course,” Merlin said.

“Having so much experience in being a fuckwit.”

“Having so much experience in dealing with fuckwits,” Merlin said. “I mean, I didn’t think I was qualified myself, but apparently five minutes with you was enough.”

“I would’ve thought it was the lifetime of friendship with Will that did it,” Arthur said.

Merlin was too busy biting back a smile to notice that they’d stopped until Arthur was no longer by his side.

 And then –

“Wow,” Merlin said, in spite of himself.

“Yep,” Arthur said, unlocking a shiny black Lamborghini.

“Is that yours?” Merlin asked incredulously.

“Yep,” Arthur said, opening the door.

“How?!”

“My father,” Arthur answered.

“He just....bought you that car. That car, straight out?”

Merlin couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around a world in which one’s parents were so rich they bought one a 50 000 pound car with as much thought as buying toilet paper.

“Well?” Arthur asked from inside the car, “You hopping in?”

“What?” Merlin asked.

“Come on,” Arthur said, turning the key.

Merlin had a split second in which to worry about what would happen if people saw him driving around with Arthur Pendragon before he thought “fuck it” and jumped in.

It was even nicer on the inside. Merlin had never actually sat on leather upholstered seats before, and couldn’t stop running his hands over it.

“How new is this?” he asked as Arthur pulled out from the street. The extreme cleanliness said it couldn’t be more than a few weeks old.

“About a year,” Arthur said.

“A year?” Merlin asked incredulously. His mother’s car was a bomb of old food wrappers, beads, bangles and knitted blankets whose origins no one could explain after a year.

“Some of us actually keep our things tidy Merlin,” Arthur said, as though he knew what he was thinking.

“Who says I’m messy?” Merlin asked, just to be contrary (he was in fact a slob and he knew it).

“I’ve seen your locker remember?” Arthur said, “It’s disgusting. What was that, an old sandwich in there?”

“It’s not old,” Merlin said, “It’s saved. For when I’m hungry.”

Arthur smiled his crooked-teeth smile to himself again.

“So how fast is this thing?” Merlin asked quickly, to distract himself from looking.

“Amazing. The acceleration is unbelievable, gets up 350km/hr in about ten seconds flat. But it’s not just the horsepower, it’s the whole design – the throttle response is incredible, you can slow down and re-apply and it kicks you straight up to high speed instantaneously look –“

He revved the car briefly up to a hundred, slowed it down to eighty and then, with a powerful surge and a noise like a thousand revs at once, the car was back up to a hundred again.

“What the hell was that?!” Merlin asked, feeling the back of his neck. He’d been thrown so suddenly he was sure he’d have a crick in it.

“Gear change,” Arthur said, grinning.

“That’s how this thing changes gears?” Merlin asked, incredulous.

“I know,” Arthur said, “Brilliant isn’t it?”

Merlin didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of agreeing, but he had to admit, as heart-thumping as the sudden experience had been, it was exhilarating, despite being everything a gear change shouldn’t be.

“What about the handling?” he asked instead.

“The handling is...it’s the best car I’ve ever driven.”

“Bullshit,” Merlin scoffed, “You’re just trying to show off.”

“It is!” Arthur protested.

“Let me see,” Merlin said, without thinking.

Arthur hesitated, before suddenly pulling over. “Yeah, alright.”  

“Oh shit, really?” Merlin asked. He wasn’t sure if he had completely meant it. Now he was going to drive a car worth more than his life.

“Yes, it’s fine,” Arthur said, climbing out.

Merlin climbed gingerly into the driver’s seat.

“Now, adjust the seat,” Arthur said, when a minute had passed and Merlin still hadn’t made a move to start the car.

“Yeah, I know,” he snapped, shaking himself out of his nerves.

He adjusted the seat and mirrors and started the car.

“And now you’ll want to pull out,” Arthur teased, reaching across to pull on the steering wheel.

A warm, pleasant feeling spread all over his body beginning from the side of his arm almost touching Arthur’s on the wheel.

“I’ve got it!” he said,  slapping Arthur’s hand away and fighting down the urge to smile for no reason.

Arthur rewarded him with another of those maddening grins and Merlin was seized by an urge to demonstrate just how good with a car he could be.

“Right,” he said, and slammed his foot onto the accelerator.

Arthur was right. The handling was excellent. The car responded to the slightest of Merlin’s touches, and he pushed it to the limit, taking corners at the very last minute, pulling U-turns without slowing and driving deliberately into the path of obstacles just so he could swerve to avoid them.

Arthur whooped and laughed and called him a maniac, and Merlin felt a warm pride blossoming outward from his chest.

Eventually he slammed the car to a halt in the street across from his own.

“You’re an absolute idiot! You could have crashed my car!” Arthur said as soon as they had stopped, but he was grinning.

Merlin grinned back.

He sat flushed with pride and Arthur’s intoxicating smile until he realised he’d done nothing but stare stupidly at him for more than a few moments now.

Arthur’s grin softened.

“Um,” Merlin said, looking away hurriedly. “I better get home.”

“Better had,” Arthur agreed.

Merlin climbed regretfully out of the driver’s seat and waited by the door while Arthur got into it.

“Bye then,” he said awkwardly.

Arthur grinned mischievously again. “I’ll pick you up after school.”

Merlin made a face.

Arthur laughed and turned the key. “Bye Merlin”

Merlin turned around and very carefully did not look back.

***

Arthur was as good as his word.

Merlin passed the day in a better mood than he had been in for ages, remembering Arthur’s car and how much fun it had been to drive – only that and nothing else.

Laughing on the bus home with Will, he looked out the window as he pushed the bell for their stop and saw, in the same street he had parked in yesterday, Arthur’s black Lamborghini.

Cold nerves and warm excitement promptly warred for supremacy of his nervous system. As was the case with all wars, the only losers were the innocent bystanders, in this case Merlin’s legs, as each gave out underneath him and he tumbled embarrassingly down the aisle of the bus.

Will didn’t even bother to hide his laughter.

Merlin scowled at him as he accepted his hand up.

“You alright kid?” the bus driver asked as he and Will stepped off the bus.

“Fine,” Merlin mumbled. “Um, might just....I dunno, walk it off or something though, that alright?” he asked Will.

“Fine, whatever, you don’t need to ask me,” Will said, walking to his door and unlocking it. “See you tomorrow Merlin.”

Merlin waited until he was absolutely sure Will was inside and moving towards the kitchen for his usual afternoon snack before walking down Pretoria Avenue and into Clarence Street one road over.

“Hey,” he said, knocking on Arthur’s window.

Arthur rolled down the window and gave him a smile.

Merlin’s legs were only like jelly because he’d so recently tripped over.

“Hey,” Arthur said, “Where’d you come from?”

“Um,” Merlin said. “This isn’t actually my street, I just saw you on the bus home,” he finished in a rush, praying Arthur wouldn’t ask anything about it. I don’t actually live here I only wanted to park here yesterday in case Will saw me get out of your car and thought it was suss. God he felt like shit for that now.

“Oh,” Arthur said. Merlin’s heart raced in anticipation, but Arthur didn’t say anything more about it.

“Well, do you want me to drive you home?” he asked instead.

Merlin breathed out a sigh of relief.

“No, it’s ok,” he said, feeling suddenly guilty that he’d misled Arthur about where he lived. “Um, do you wanna hang out or something?” he asked instead.

Nerves of a different kind were racing through him now, but Arthur smiled again and started winding up his window.

“Sure get in,” he said.

Merlin raced around to the passenger side, trying not to grin for no reason.

“So what do you want to do?” Merlin asked as soon as he closed the door.

“See a movie?” Arthur suggested.

That sounded too much like a date.

“Um, I don’t really like the look of anything that’s out right now,” Merlin said instead.

“Oh thank god, me either,” Arthur said. “I’d have judged you if you did.”

“Judged me?” Merlin asked, “Wait, are you one of those movie snobs that won’t watch anything that doesn’t get five stars from all the posh film critics?”

“No,” Arthur sniffed, “I just need more from a film than pointless action and special effects that’s all.”

“You are!” Merlin crowed, “Oh my god I bet your dad wouldn’t let you watch anything but posh movies like Atonement or something when you were a kid.”

“I don’t like Atonement,” Arthur said, “And I was allowed to watch children’s films I just didn’t want to.”

“Unbelievable!” Merlin said laughing, “So what, you haven’t seen like, The Lion King or Star Wars or anything?”

“I’ve seen The Lion King!” Arthur said. He hesitated momentarily. “I haven’t seen Star Wars though,” he admitted.

“No way,” Merlin said. “No way,” he repeated when Arthur didn’t say anything. “Ok, it’s set then. We’re watching Star Wars.”

“Fine,” Arthur said, “It had better be fucking good.”

“It is,” Merlin said, “trust me.”

***

Arthur’s house was enormous, but Arthur dragged Merlin upstairs to his room before he had time to take it in and become overwhelmed or self-conscious.

“Right,” he said, dragging two seats over to the computer and opening up Mediafire.  “Star Wars, Star Wars...” he muttered to himself, scrolling through the file list.

Merlin smiled to himself at the sight of him muttering hunched over with his face screwed up in concentration.

“Right,” Arthur said, once he’d clicked on download. “Would you like some food or something while we wait?”

“I’m good,” Merlin said. “So what were you doing as a kid then if you were only allowed to watch posh adult movies?”

He was partly teasing, but also partly curious. His own childhood was spent almost entirely with his mother or playing with homemade lightsabers with Will, all permeated by a vague idea of money troubles he knew he wasn’t supposed to be old enough for adults to think he was aware of. What was it like growing up rich?

Arthur rolled his eyes.

“My father wouldn’t let me play with any other children, because they were beneath me, so I was really lonely. I had to spend all my time with a private tutor, because my father didn’t want me running around getting my expensive clothes dirty, so I was really bored. Every evening, Morgana and I were called in to learn how to use all twelve pieces of cutlery for a five course dinner.”

“Really?” Merlin asked amazed.

“No you idiot,” Arthur said with a fond smile. “I just didn’t watch Star Wars.”

Merlin blushed and shoved Arthur to cover his embarrassment.

“Don’t be a prat,” he said.

“Idiot,” Arthur said with a smile, shoving him back.

Before Merlin knew it, they were pushing and shoving and laughing at each other. Merlin aimed a slap at the side of Arthur’s head, but Arthur caught Merlin’s hand in his own before he could land it, laughing as he gripped it and pulled it down to the level of his waist.

Merlin felt his blush deepen. A traitorous thought crossed his mind – what if he moved his fingers, so they were linked with Arthur’s? He pushed it urgently to the back of his mind, along with the part of him that wanted to panic about it. He was here to have fun, not worry about Things Best Not Named for once.

Nevertheless, he didn’t let go of Arthur’s hand.

Bing!

They turned to the computer to see the download was complete.

Arthur let go of Merlin’s hand without a word. They shuffled their chairs silently back into position in front of the computer and opened the file.

Merlin was hyper aware of Arthur sitting beside him the whole film. He could feel the heat from Arthur’s arm on his armrest when Merlin put his arm on his own. But how could he move their arms closer without shifting his whole chair and looking like a twit?

Merlin was so consumed by this idea he hardly noticed the film until Arthur commented:  “Harrison Ford is really hot.”

“Oh,” Merlin said without thinking, “Yeah, he’s better looking in the second one though.”

Arthur smirked at him.

Shit.

“What?” Merlin asked defiantly, “Straight men are allowed to notice when other men are good-looking.”

“You are so gay,” Arthur said, grin broadening.

Cold, heavy fear swooped over Merlin’s whole body beginning from his head and travelling right to his toes.

“No I’m not,” he said, so anxious he felt like he could hardly see.

“Yes you are,” Arthur said, the same teasing tone and fond smile as when he had called Merlin an idiot - but Merlin was in the mood for playing around anymore.

“No I’m not!” he insisted, voice high. “I’m not gay alright?!”

Something of the seriousness of the situation must have shown itself in his face, because Arthur’s smile quickly slid off his face.

“Ok,” he said seriously, holding up a hand, “Ok, you’re not gay.”

They returned to the film in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said after a few moments, “I didn’t mean to imply there’s anything wrong with being gay. There’s not, it’s just, I’m not...”

“It’s alright,” Arthur said quickly, “You’re still talking to me so you’re doing one better than everyone else, don’t worry about it.”

Merlin winced in sympathy.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he said, “it shouldn’t have, it wasn’t fair. I mean that.”

“I know,” Arthur said, turning away from the film to smile at him reassuringly. “It’s alright. It was partly my own fault anyway.”

“What? Arthur, you can’t help who you –“

“No not that, I know that,” Arthur said with an impatient wave of his hand. “I’m not ashamed of being gay. Just...I was stupid. I knew I might get caught, but I was drunk and I thought...I partly wanted to get caught. Because I’d come out to my family, and it felt really good, so I came out to a few of my friends –“

“What?” Merlin had always thought the incident at the party was the first anyone knew of Arthur’s proclivities.

“Yes and they were fine with it, the hypocrites. Of course, once everyone else found out, then they pretended not to be as well, pretended that I hadn’t already told them and they had told me it was fine. But they did tell me not to tell anyone else, told me no one else in our group would be alright with it, especially Valiant, and I agreed, but everything had been going right for me so far, and I didn’t want to be in the closet for anyone anymore, so I pushed my luck. And I pushed it too far.”

“Shit,” Merlin said. He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t even imagine being so confident in yourself that you wanted other people to see you. Merlin had felt all his life that there was some part of him, deep inside, that should never be seen, protected by the rest of him like a larvae in a chrysalis. He couldn’t name what it was – or maybe he didn’t want to – but the thought of boldly exposing it, and having all his friends turn their backs on him because of it, made him shiver.

“Yeah,” Arthur said. He was silent a moment, chewing his thumbnail, before he continued. “I deserve it though, for what happened to Mordred.”

Merlin’s guts threatened immediate rebellion against the rest of him. This was the part of the story he feared the most.

Because he had been there. He had seen Valiant and the others kicking Mordred in, a curled up ball on the ground, he’d seen the blood, the screaming. He had been the one to run for the nearest teacher, and he had watched over the next week, as charges against them were dropped and they each escaped hospitalising a man with barely a suspension.

It wasn’t going to happen to him.

“How is he now?” Merlin asked in a whisper.

“I don’t know,” Arthur said, “I haven’t spoken to him since then. He hates me now.”

“Why? It wasn’t your fault!”

“It was,” he said, “He didn’t want to do anything at the party and I pushed him. And then, he got bashed and I didn’t because they were my old friends, not his.”

“Still doesn’t make it your fault,” Merlin said.

Arthur smiled a little sadly.  “Thanks,” he said, but Merlin knew he hadn’t convinced him.

He wanted to rub his shoulder in sympathy or something, but stupidly, he felt as though he’d lost his rights to physical contact with Arthur when he’d said he wasn’t gay. Which was ridiculous – it wasn’t as though only gay men were allowed to touch each other.

Merlin floundered for a second trying to figure out if he should work up the courage to physically console him or not when Arthur rescued him by turning back to the computer screen and saying “I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Ok,” Merlin said, relieved the conversation was back on comfortable, familiar ground. “The brown haired girl is the princess –“

“Yes I worked that out Merlin,” Arthur said.

“Well you said you didn’t know what was happening!”

They watched the rest of the film with liberal sprinklings of explanation from Merlin and the occasional snarky comment about the acting from Arthur.

It was as the credits were rolling, just after Arthur had leaned back and declared the film over-rated that Merlin finally asked the question that had lurked in the back of Merlin’s mind for many months now, brought to the surface by their earlier conversation.

He took a deep breath.

“How did you know?” he asked softly.

“How did I know what?” Arthur asked.

“How......how did you know you were gay?”

He looked away quickly so Arthur couldn’t see his face. He felt oddly vulnerable.

Arthur was quiet for a few moments.

“It wasn’t just that I looked at men, although I did,” he started, “it was also....it was absence of feelings for women. I mean, I can appreciate a pretty girl but....it doesn’t give me that same feeling in my chest that an attractive guy does. And I never flirted with girls. I’d be speaking to guys and I’d really enjoy it and I’d look back on it and realise I was flirting with them. It’s never been like that for me and women. I’ve never had a crush on one and I’ve never wanted to date one. I’ve kissed a few, but it didn’t get me hard or anything. It just wasn’t the same.”

Merlin felt horribly uncomfortable. He’d also never been interested in dating or even flirting with any of the girls he knew, though he’d chalked that up to none of them being the right one for him. He hadn’t even kissed any. But surely that was only because he was a poor scholarship kid in a school for snobby rich people? He could hardly get any other friends apart from Will and Gwen, never mind girlfriends.

He could feel Arthur watching him closely.

Right, that was it, he thought, hardening his resolve. Next party he heard about, he was going. He was going to hook up with a girl, and he was maybe even going to get a girlfriend, and he would prove Arthur and everything he’d ever worried about wrong.

Arthur closed down the new black window that had once been Star Wars and shut off the computer.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” he asked gently.

“Yes please,” Merlin said, feeling small once again.

***

The thought of asking Arthur to park in a different street again made Merlin feel like a scumbag, so he directed him right up to his front door.

“This is my house,” he said.

“Nice,” Arthur said.

“Oh shut up it is not,” Merlin said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve just come from your house remember?”

Arthur laughed.

“What’s your number?” Merlin asked, opening the car door and pulling out his phone.

Arthur took his phone from him and entered it in.

“Cool,” Merlin said. The thought of having Arthur’s phone number seemed to have launched a thousand butterflies straight into his stomach, but he accepted his phone back from him with as nonchalant a face as possible. “I’ll text you my number tonight or something.”

“Ok,” Arthur said, a strange smile on his face. Merlin couldn’t figure it out.

“Bye Merlin,” he said, and drove off.

It was much later, when Merlin was lying on his bed after dinner, looking at his phone and laughing at the new entry in it (“Arthur DontbeanidiotMerlin Pendragon”) that Merlin realised what it was.

Most of Arthur’s other smiles that Merlin had seen were smirks or grins or teasing or fond. This one was just a smile. Just a genuine “I am really happy” smile.

Despite the panic over what that meant this awoke in him, Merlin went to sleep with a similar smile on his face.

***

So what class are you in now? – A

Maths – M

“Form groups!” Mrs. Grunhilda was saying.

Merlin moved automatically towards Gwen and looked down at his phone again.

Are you in Valiant’s class? – A

Yeah – M

“Merlin?” Gwen said, “We have to be in groups of three.”

“What?” Merlin asked. He looked around the aghast. He simply couldn’t be bothered today approaching any of these people and asking politely if they were in a group yet. He was busy.

As if on cue his phone vibrated again.

Best. When he has to do a problem he always looks like he’s a having a stroke. – A

Gwen gave him a strange look. “I’ll go see who else wants to join us.”

“Ok,” Merlin replied, typing you sound like you’re jealous cause he’s better looking than you.

As if! The man looks like he came out the birth canal straight into a brick wall.

“Merlin? Freya says she’s free to join us.”

Ew, wtf.

“Merlin?”

“Oh!” Merlin put his phone into his pocket. “Sorry! I was distracted. Sorry. Hi. I’m Merlin. Er – you probably knew that already sorry.”

Freya gave him a shy smile.

“I did yeah,” she said.

“Right,” Merlin said, smiling back. “I’m an idiot. Well, least you know straight up we’re going to fail this assignment.”

“Merlin!” Gwen admonished.

“Hey, let’s be real,” Merlin said, throwing up his hands.

Freya laughed, and sat down shyly next to him.

“I’m rubbish at maths,” she confessed to him in a low voice.

“Me too,” Merlin returned, smiling at her reassuringly.

It was a lie of course. He’d been admitted into the school on academic scholarship, he wasn’t rubbish at anything except gym. But it sounded better than, “I don’t feel like working today because I’d rather text Arthur Pendragon.”

“But don’t worry,” he continued conspiratorially to her. She leaned in closer. “I have a plan.”

He turned to Gwen and put his chin in his hands.

“Gwen, you are the light of my life,” he said.

“I am not, that’s Doctor Who,” she said.

“You’re my best friend,” he tried.

“That’s Will.”

“I’ll be your best friend,”

“Sorry, this isn’t Year Two.”

He groaned.

Freya laughed.

“See, Freya’s on my side,” he said quickly, putting an arm around her and yanking her close, “and that’s two against one.”

Freya laughed nervously.

Gwen fixed Merlin with such an intensely quizzical stare that Merlin actually found himself mouthing ”What?” at her.

Then he looked down.

Freya was bright red, eyes darting shyly up at him and away again, a nervous smile playing over mouth while her shoulders couldn’t seem to decide if she wanted to pull away or not.

Merlin noticed, in an oddly objective sort of way, that she was very pretty, with her demure manner, long dark hair and big doe eyes.

Oh my God.

He needed a girlfriend.

And here she was.

He let go of her very quickly, but, running on an instinct that it wouldn’t impress her if he apologised, he turned boldly to Gwen as though nothing had happened and asked: “Come on Gwen, the people have spoken. It is your responsibility now to do the assignment and allow Freya and I free rein to.....”

He turned to her and said in a stage whisper: “What’s our plan?”

“The same thing we do every night Pinky,” she said, “Try to take over the world.”

Merlin laughed and earned himself a glare from Mrs Grunhilda.

Gwen’s expression softened.

“Alright,” she said. “I’ll do Part A and we can work together through Parts B and C –“

“You’re a lifesaver Gwen,” Merlin said, leaning back and stretching his arms out over his head.

He turned to Freya.

“As future world leaders I think we’re going to need a better team name than Pinky and the Brain,” he said.

“Bonnie and Clyde,” she suggested with a blush.

Merlin grinned widely.

“Perfect,” he replied.

***

He spent most of the lesson chatting with Freya while Gwen worked through Part A. Merlin thought she would probably have to see an optometrist by the end of it, she rolled her eyes at him so much, though Freya seemed impressed, quietly pink and giggling.

They worked together through Part B, Merlin deliberately getting some of the answers wrong and allowing Gwen to correct him, so as not to make Freya feel too far behind the two of them.

At the end of the lesson, he boldly asked Freya if she would like to hang out again sometime after school, and she gave him her phone number and walked away, trying not to smile.

Merlin was elated.

He could hardly believe it had been that easy to ask a girl out, all this time. What on earth had been holding him back before?

And there were none of those useless nerves that turned one into gibbering idiot in the presence of women that Will was always moaning about. Hell, maybe he was a natural ladies man.

He pulled his phone out to see three messages from Arthur.

Just telling it like it is.

And I can’t believe you said he was good-looking.

You too busy checking him out to text back or what?

This last made Merlin smile.

Sorry, had to do a group assignment, Gwen wouldn’t let me just sit on my phone 

“So,” Gwen said, sitting down opposite him and Will with her tray of food, “I think you can write Maths off for another year then Merlin.”

“Hey,” Merlin said, waving his fork at her. “That was one assignment. I’m still on top of the class, and I can still make up for it on the next one and whoop your arse.”

“Mmm, I dunno. Not if Freya sits with us again. Then you’ll have to keep pretending to be crap at Maths won’t you? I think we safely say this is another year the Dux for Maths goes to me.”

“Freya? Freya Donnelly? What’s she got to do with your stupid competition?” Will asked.

“She’s Merlin’s new girlfriend.” She said it very sarcastically. “And he told her he’s bad at Maths so he had an excuse to leave the work to me and chat her up, and now he’s going to have concede Maths to me for another year in a row.”

“Girlfriend?” Will asked incredulously, “Seriously?”

“She’s not my girlfriend yet,” Merlin said with a blush, “And I can still beat you in every other subject and take out top of the grade again so don’t get too smug Gwen.”  

She grinned at him mischievously. “I dunno Merlin, they say love addles your brain....”

“Wait, someone tell me what the fuck happened between Merlin and Freya,” Will insisted.

Merlin’s text alert went off.

You’re whipped Merlin.

Not all of us can just rely on Dad’s money to get us through. Sometimes we plebs have to work in class.

“Is that her?” Will asked excitedly.

“Er....”

He quickly sent Freya a message: Hey it’s Merlin. When are you free to hang out?

“Yes,” he said.

“What’d she say?” Will asked eagerly.

“Just organising a date,” he said.

“Holy shit!” Will exclaimed. “How did you get a girlfriend in like, one day?”

On the weekend? Freya replied.

Ok, cool. Text you the details later.

“Um, I dunno,” he said to Will, “Talent with the ladies I guess.”

“So tell me exactly what happened. And also, how hot is she? Because I haven’t really seen her close up, but she seems like she’d be hot.”

Predictably, Gwen rolled her eyes. “She isn’t actually Merlin’s girlfriend,” she reminded them, “She just agreed to hang out with him after school.”

But it seemed much more impressive to call her his girlfriend, so Merlin spent the rest of lunch happily relaying the Maths lesson to Will.

He walked around for the rest of the day feeling untouchable.

He’d finally achieved something. He’d asked a girl out (sort of) and she’d said yes (sort of). He had a girlfriend. He would never look at other men again, and he would never have to worry about it again.

To make things better, he kept up a steady stream of texts with Arthur throughout his remaining classes.

He couldn’t explain why the familiar vibration of his phone made him feel so warm inside, nor why he always had to suppress a grin whenever he responded.

But the combination of texting Arthur and successfully securing a date with Freya put him in such a cheerful mood that he could not resist the urge to blurt the good news out to him like an excited five year old showing off an especially good painting to his mother.

Guess what? He texted when he got home that afternoon.

What?

I have a date with a girl.

Merlin waited eagerly for Arthur’s reply.

Nothing.

He counted a minute. Still nothing.

Well, that wasn’t anything to worry about. It was only a minute. But Arthur had been answering a split second after he’d received Merlin’s texts before. Merlin pulled his phone out and checked it just in case he hadn’t felt the vibration. Still nothing.

He put it back in his pocket and told himself there was nothing to worry about, but thirty seconds later he was pulling it out again. He knew he was being stupid, but he couldn’t help it. Still nothing.

Finally, after five minutes, it vibrated again.

Congratulations.

Merlin’s stomach twisted as though someone had wrenched it with a spanner.

Was that disappointment he could read? Sarcasm? Hurt? Shit why had he told Arthur? He wanted desperately to apologise. But what on earth for?

Merlin fretted for several minutes until finally he texted: Do you want to hang out again tonight?

He chewed his fingernails anxiously while he waited.

Busy tonight. Sorry.

Merlin’s good mood deflated mournfully like so much air out of a carefully punctured balloon.

***

Merlin texted Arthur again the following morning – how was your night last night? Did your thing go ok? – but didn’t receive a reply.

His phone was confiscated in English when he pulled it out to check for a response from Arthur for the third time that morning, though fortunately the teacher was lenient enough to give it back to him by the end of the lesson.

It was plain to Merlin (though technically he hadn’t known him for very long) that Arthur was angry with him, or at least disappointed.

Every time he had this thought an answering rage rose inside him. What right did Arthur have to be angry at him? They were friends – hell, he was Arthur’s only friend right now – and he went and dropped him just because Merlin had got himself a girlfriend. Fuck him!

Then he’d remind himself that he was being utterly stupid, as it technically hadn’t even been a day since they’d spoken last. How did he know Arthur hadn’t just dropped his phone in the toilet or something?

“Hey, Merlin,” Will said, snapping his fingers in front of his face.

“Sorry, what?” Merlin asked.

“I said where are you taking Freya tomorrow?”

“Oh,” Merlin said in surprise.

He did say he’d see Freya on the weekend. Today was Friday. Ergo that made tomorrow his “date”. Huh.

“Dunno,” Merlin said, “Movies or something?”

“Movies – Merlin you can’t take a girl to the movies!” Will spluttered.

“I thought that’s what everyone did,” Merlin said, shovelling his stew into his mouth.

“Exactly!” Will said, “You’ll be just like everyone else!”

“How many other guys has Freya even dated?” Merlin asked, “Maybe that won’t matter.”

“Hey there’s a question,” Will said, “How many other guys has she dated?”

Merlin suddenly panicked. She was very pretty. What if she’d been with heaps of guys, and she expected him to be more.....experienced?

He turned to Will to see the same realisation in his eyes.

“You’re fucked mate,” Will said by way of reassurance.

“You two!” Gwen said in exasperation.  “Listen,” she continued sternly. “It does not matter how many boyfriends she’s had, which for the record, I know is one. But even if it was more than that, it wouldn’t matter anyway because there’s more to a girl than that, and anyway Merlin isn’t thinking of any of that on the first date right?”

She fixed him with a very severe look.

“What are you his mother?” asked Will.

But Merlin’s stomach churned.

No, he wasn’t thinking of any of that on the first date, at least he hadn’t been until Will and Gwen brought it up. But now that he was, he had to admit, he was terrified. He could not at this moment understand why other guys would want to pressure girls to move faster in that department. Merlin had to admit he felt a lot better thinking of a girlfriend as something that existed in the ether, rather than a person you actually had to do things with. Thinking about it made Merlin feel a bit strange, like a magnet trying to attach to the end of another, only to find it had the same charge. Maybe these were the nerves Will was always on about.

“Where do you think I should take Freya tomorrow?” he asked Gwen.

“She isn’t a character from Sex and the City, you don’t have to do anything ostentatious to impress her,” Gwen said, “Just take her to the movies.”

“Right,” Merlin said, picking at his food, “Right.”

***

After checking his phone to make sure Arthur hadn’t tried to text him or call him, Merlin texted Freya that afternoon in class:

Want to go to the movies tomorrow?

She replied almost immediately.

Ok. What time?

Shall we meet for lunch first? At about one? Meet at the Valley Mall.

Alright :-)

There she’d even put in a smiley face. He had nothing to be worried about.

And hell, he was being stupid. They hadn’t even gone on one date. Stuff was sure to sort itself out in its own time, and when it happened, he was almost certain to enjoy it, if rap music at least was anything to go by.

Thus reassured, he cast around for something flirty to text her. For some reason, he found himself reaching for one of the conversations he’d had with Arthur for inspiration.

So, you better not be one of those movie snobs that only watch movies like Atonement or something.

Oh hell no. My favourite movie is Star Wars.

Merlin gasped.

GET OUT. MINE TOO.

Can we jump up and down about it when we see each other tomorrow?

Why wait?

A moment’s pause.

Just did it, she sent him, Mrs. Briggs thinks I’m an idiot.

He laughed out loud.

You’re adorable, he sent her.

There was no reply for several minutes. He felt triumphant.

Thanks, she sent eventually, and he could just see the blush.

He had women in the bag.

Surely, surely, this would be easy.

***

Merlin spent the rest of the day reminding himself that Freya liked him, she was easy to talk to and her company enjoyable and the date sure to be a success until finally, lying in bed that night he gave in to nerves and allowed himself to worry about his date tomorrow.

He wished he had someone who could give him advice. Despite freely giving their opinions with all the air of experts, neither Will nor Gwen had ever actually dated anyone.

The only person he knew who had was Arthur, who had presumably dated Mordred before progressing to hand jobs.

He wished the school he went to wasn’t full of stuck-up twats who ignored him because of his lack of wealth. He wished he had more friends.

He wished Arthur would talk to him again.

He looked up Arthur’s contact in his phone, reading the now familiar message: “DontbeanidiotMerlin” but it couldn’t raise a smile from him.

He sighed at hit the red hang-up button without looking at it.

Calling, Arthur Pendragon.

What?!

He looked at his phone. No! He’d pressed the wrong button!

“Hullo?” A voice answered.

Shit shit shit.

“Um,” Merlin said, voice trembling, “Yeah, hi, sorry, it’s me. I think I called you by accident.”

“Merlin?”

“Yeah.”

A pause.

“You realise your phone is on private?”

“Is it?” Merlin asked.

Oh yeah. Last week when he and Will had snuck a bit of his dad’s cask wine and prank-called Gwen like the juveniles they were.

“Sorry,” Merlin said. He wondered if Arthur wouldn’t have answered if it hadn’t been. He felt overwhelmingly hurt at the thought.

“No, it’s alright,” Arthur said awkwardly. There was a pause. “I’ve, er, been meaning to text you anyway. I, er, left my phone at home today, so I couldn’t reply to you.”

“Oh,” Merlin said. A tiny ray of hope pierced his cloud of anxiety. “Really?”

“Yes,” Arthur said.

There was another uncomfortable silence.

“Um, well, how was your day?” Merlin asked determined that he should get a conversation out of Arthur now that they were on the phone.

“Alright,” Arthur said.

Another pause.

Merlin began to feel awkward – maybe he’d been wrong to hope. Maybe Arthur had actually avoided him. Just as he was considering ending the conversation however, Arthur made a strange noise in the back of his throat and then said suddenly: “Vivian’s Dad found them their own place.”

“Yeah?” Merlin said, traitorous hope blooming inside him again already. “That’ll be better for you.”

“I know,” Arthur said, voice warming up now, “I won’t have to listen to anymore catfights between her and Morgana.”

“Oh my god did they catfight?” Merlin asked, sitting up with a grin.

“You have no idea,” Arthur said, “All day, everyday –“ he put on a high pitched voice “ – oh you went through my room – why would I want to do that, you are so arrogant Vivian you think I care one whit about your stupid things – I’m not arrogant, anyone can see you’re jealous of me – you’re crazy – on and fucking on Merlin.”

Merlin laughed.

“Was your sister going through her room?” he asked.

“Well yes,” Arthur admitted, “We were trying to see if she had anything incriminating we could use to get her kicked out somehow. To be fair to Morgana though, it was me that stole her conditioner.”

Merlin barked with laughter.

“Hey, I did that because she’s annoying,” Arthur said.

“Sure,” Merlin said, “And when your hair is so shiny I can see my face in it I’ll be sure to remember that.”

“Anyway how was your day?” Arthur asked, and Merlin laughed at the deliberate change in conversation.

“It was alright,” he answered. He wanted to tell Arthur about his anxiety about his upcoming date with Freya tomorrow, but a tiny voice inside him warned him that talking to Arthur about Freya was not a good idea.

“Only alright?” Arthur asked.

“Well, you know. School, Will, twats who leave their phone at home and don’t reply all day...”

Arthur laughed.

“Were you that stressed by it?” Arthur asked, sounding oddly pleased.

“No!” Merlin said, so hotly he only caused Arthur to laugh again.

“Well in that case, I guess I can come over tomorrow night, to make up for it. Unless...”

His voice changed.

“Unless you’re busy seeing that girl or something.”

Merlin didn’t know why he did it. All he knew was that Freya upset Arthur, and he should be alarmed by that, but he wasn’t. He just didn’t want Arthur to ignore him again.

Perhaps it was because Arthur was the first new friend he’d had since he met Gwen four years ago. Perhaps that was reason he had so quickly wormed his way under Merlin’s skin in only a matter of days. Or maybe it was because he knew Arthur had no one else, and he couldn’t just leave him to deal with this difficult period in his life with no one else but Morgana. Whatever the reason, Merlin just knew he wasn’t quite ready to give him up so soon.

And so, before he could allow himself to think about the implications of what that meant, Merlin found himself opening his mouth and saying: “No. No, I’m not seeing her.”

“Good,” Arthur said softly, “Well, I’ll come over tomorrow then.”

“Alright,” Merlin said, heart pounding for some reason, “Seven? My mum is working tomorrow night.”

“Seven then,” Arthur said, “See you then. Goodnight Merlin.”

“Night.”

It was only after he’d hung up the phone and settled in to bed that Merlin realised that his lie about not seeing Freya tomorrow could be taken to mean that he wasn’t dating her at all.

Oh well, he thought, that’s easily fixed. All he’d have to do was tell Arthur about it when he was over tomorrow, where he couldn’t run away or ignore him if he became upset. If it turned out Arthur had a crush on him, Merlin would just have to tell him that he was straight, and didn’t feel that way about him, but he still very much wanted to be his friend, and they would just have to deal with it like adults.

Simple.

In the meantime, Merlin put the issue out of his mind and settled down to sleep, a happy, excited feeling warm in his chest.

***

Merlin awoke that morning and slipped into his favourite jeans and a t-shirt whose position on the floor suggested it had only been worn twice.

“Morning Merlin,” his mother greeted him as he came down the stairs.

“Morning,” he replied, sliding into a seat at the kitchen table and pouring himself some cereal.

Now for the tricky part.

“Hey Mum,” he said nonchalantly, “Can I borrow your car?”

“Why?” She asked him.

 “Going to the Valley Mall,” he said.

“Why?”

“Meeting a friend,” he said as casually as possible.

“Who?” she asked shrewdly.

“Um, Gwen,” he said.

“I thought Gwen had a car, why you don’t just get her to pick you up?”

“She’s busy,” he tried evasively.

“Merlin,” she said sternly, “Tell me who you’re meeting or I won’t let you borrow the car.”

“It’s......a girl. ButIdon’tneedanotherlectureaboutsafesexMum, IpromiseI’mnotgoingtodoanythingstupid, it’sonlyafirstdateanyway,” he finished in a rush, seeing her open her mouth.

“You’d better not do anything stupid Merlin,” she said, and he groaned at the familiar settling-into-my-favourite-lecture tone of her voice. “Because you know how your father left me in the lurch. And that’s not to mention all the young girls I’ve seen over the years, chlamydia, herpes....it only takes once to get gonorrhoea Merlin, and you don’t -”

“Oh God Mum,” Merlin said, clamping his hands over his ears, “I get it, please no more.”

She looked at him sternly and then all of a sudden she smiled.

“You can borrow the car,” she said.

“Yesssss thank you,” he said already bounding out of his seat.

“But on one condition.”

He stopped.

“You tell me all about this girl when you get home,” she said with an enormous smile on her face, making Merlin groan.

***

Merlin waited nervously outside the McDonald’s in the food court. All around him were other teenagers meeting groups of friends or boyfriends or girlfriends. Even though he was doing the same, Merlin felt somehow out of place.

“Merlin!”

He turned around to see Freya striding toward him.

“Hi!” He walked towards her and then hesitated. Was he supposed to hug her in greeting or something?

They each stopped awkwardly a foot away from each other and laughed.

“So, food and then movie?” Freya suggested.

“Sure,” Merlin replied.

“So, you’d better want to see Iron Man 3 or the date is off,” Freya said with a shy smile, pulling noodles out of her Noodle Box with chopsticks much more deftly than Merlin was managing to do.

Merlin started.

“That’s exactly the film I was going to suggest!”

And they were off, talking about the merits of the Iron Man franchise, The Avengers franchise and comic book movies in general, and how they compared to sci fi, which they each decided was their favourite genre.

But despite the ease of Freya’s company, the enjoyable flow of conversation, Merlin couldn’t stop over-analysing everything.

When was he supposed to kiss her?

He had to do it, or the date was bust. He needed to kiss a girl.

But an hour and a half of conversation and standing in line to buy movie tickets later, Merlin was beginning to panic.

He still hadn’t found any point in their conversation in which it felt natural to kiss her, or even to hold her hand. It felt like talking to Will and then being told at some point he had to lay one on him. God how did people do it? Maybe in the cinema.

Merlin tried to concentrate on the film, but lost thread of it fretting about how to instigate a kiss. Would it be scraping the bottle of the barrel to take a leaf out a sitcom and stretch so that he could wrap an arm around her?

In the end, he ended up resting his hand on the armrest between them palm up, hoping she got the message.

He was rewarded a few minutes later with the feeling of her hand in his.

Yes!

It wasn’t overly exciting – just like he imagined it would feel to hold hands with Will or Gwen – but then, he hadn’t really expected much from holding hands.  

Now for the tricky part.

He started by rubbing his thumb against her the back of her hand, first hesitantly and then with more confidence. If she liked it, then, surely, when he turned to look at her that would have to be it.

He took a few deep (hopefully silent) breaths to steady himself and turned his head.

She looked up and leaned in.

Success!!

It was soft, it was awkward, he wasn’t at all sure what he was supposed to be doing with his nose but finally, he could say he’d kissed a girl.

He pulled back, feeling pleased with himself. He turned back to the screen, half thinking he might try and pick up the plot of the movie again now that it was over, but a quick glance back at her showed him Freya appeared to expect more.

Oh, right.

It was the movies; one went for a make-out not a kiss.

Well, better get back to it.

He’d have to come back and see the film another time.

***

Merlin said goodbye to Freya with a promise to see her again on Wednesday, then bolted for his car.

He had plenty of time until Arthur came over, but he wanted to wear something nice, which meant washing his clothes, and maybe tidy up his room a bit.

“Are you feeling alright?” his mother asked, watching him pour laundry powder into the machine.

“Fine,” Merlin replied. “I don’t have to fiddle with any of these buttons except the ‘start’ one right?”

“Move over,” his mother sighed, examining the shirts he’d put in and changing the temperature setting accordingly. “I don’t know why you didn’t do this before your date honestly, it’s too late to wear of these now. And you still haven’t told me how that went by the way.”

“It went fine,” Merlin said vaguely. “Have we got something to drink that isn’t water?”

His mother fixed him with a stern look.  “You aren’t having her over while I’m at work tonight are you?” she asked.

“No Mum, I’m just having a friend over from school I promise.”

His mother looked surprised. “Friends that aren’t Will? Girlfriends? You can talk to me you know Merlin, keep me updated about things happening in your life?”

“Yeah I know,” Merlin said, opening the fridge and peering inside. “Are these biscuits still alright to eat?”

His mother sighed theatrically.

***

At seven o’clock exactly (and he would be perfectly punctual, the prat) the doorbell rang, causing his mother to jump as she finished packing her handbag.

“I’ll get it!” Merlin called, running down the stairs and jumping over the last few.

He swung open the door to reveal Arthur holding two bottles of wine that he quickly stashed inside his bag when he glimpsed Merlin’s mother through the hall.

“Wow!” Merlin whispered. “How’d you get that?”

“It’s my father’s,” Arthur said, “So it probably tastes like over-priced rat piss don’t get too excited.”

He stopped and looked Merlin up and down, who was wearing his second best shirt (he’d started with his best one, but had felt too much like an idiot).

“You look nice,” he commented.

Merlin blushed. He could not have been more grateful for his mother, who came bustling in to the crowded space outside the front door at that moment.

“Mrs Emrys!” Arthur said, holding out a hand, “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Arthur.”

Behind his mother’s back, Merlin smirked at Arthur’s overly polite tone.

“Oh! Nice to meet you too Arthur dear. But I’m not Mrs Emrys, call me Hunith dear, much easier.”

“Er – right, Hunith.”

“Well I’m off!” his mother called, manoeuvring around Arthur. “Remember not to turn on the light above the stove Merlin or you’ll short out the kitchen.”

“Yes Mum,” he sighed.

“Bye!” And with that she was finally gone.

Merlin led Arthur through to the kitchen, and began pulling out wine glasses.

“So, your Mum doesn’t have the same last name as you?” Arthur asked, as Merlin concentrated on pouring exactly equal amounts of wine in each glass.

“No, her name is Wyllt,” Merlin said absently. “D’you – er – want some food to go with this?”

“Yes. I – er – actually brought some money for pizza or something if you like.” For some reason, he looked a bit embarrassed.

“Great!” Merlin said, “Cause we have some food but I dunno how nice it is. Is it alright if we just go up to the shops so I can get some cash though?”

Arthur rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be an idiot Merlin, I’m paying for it obviously.”

“I can’t let you do that!” Merlin said, aghast. Did Arthur think he was living in poverty or something? Was he judging the house right now? He suddenly wished his mother hadn’t mentioned the faulty wiring in the kitchen.

“It’s my Dad’s money, he won’t miss it and he can afford it,” Arthur said easily. “When I’m paying for it then you can definitely go half.”

Merlin relaxed.

“Chivalry only goes halfway with you?” he said with a grin.

“Oh shut it Merlin, it's not like you're a damsel in distress,” Arthur replied.

They finished their first glass in the kitchen, the wine going straight from Merlin's empty belly to his head. 

"That'll be the pizza," Arthur said, as the doorbell rang. "I'll get it."

"Oh," Merlin said, blinking quickly to try and clear some of the fuzz from his brain (how had it accumulated so quickly?). "Yeah, cool."

Arthur smirked at him. “You alright to drink and walk Merlin?” he teased as Merlin led them into the sitting room to eat the pizza in front of the television.

“You alright to drink and shut up Arthur?” Merlin said, broadening Arthur’s shit-eating grin by at least another few centimetres.

After a short argument about what to watch, they settled in to roundly abuse the contestants of Masterchef whilst eating their pizza.

“Those tears are fake! Fake!”

“Boooooooo no one cares about your life story!”

“That’s not even how you make a flan!”

This last from Arthur had Merlin in stiches.

“What?” Arthur asked.

“I bet this isn’t the first time you’ve watched this,” he giggled, “I bet you tune in religiously every night and have favourites and everything.”

“You’re full of shit Merlin. Go chuck this box out and bring us the wine would you?”

“Oi, you don’t get to order me about in my own house I’m not your servant.”

“Wine won’t pour itself Merlin,” Arthur replied smugly.

“Ugh.”

He brought the wine and glasses in to the sitting room. Now that the food was over and Masterchef almost finished, he supposed this was the time to discuss the Freya situation, but he found he didn’t want to talk about her yet.  “Wanna play the Geordie Shore drinking game?” he asked instead.

Arthur looked at him quizzically.

“Will downloaded the first season,” he said, walking over to the computer desk in the corner of the room and switching it on, “You pick a person, and then take a drink if they say “tache on, neck on or pie off”, one drink if they actually tache on with anyone, two if they bitch about someone or are topless and skull your drink if they get laid or Anna comes in to complain about the mess.”

“I’ve never watched that show in my life,” Arthur said.

“You’re kidding? It’s horrible, you’ll love it.”

“How is that a recommendation at all?”

“Hey, you love Masterchef.”

Arthur took a pretend punch at him which Merlin avoided with a huge grin on his face.

The wine was gone by the end of the fourth episode.

Merlin jokingly suggested they go to Arthur’s to get some more, which earned him a slap upside the head from Arthur.

“We can’t drink and drive how stupid are you? Anyway, we have to see if –“ He stopped at the sight of Merlin’s face. “Oh shut up, I do not like reality television stop saying that!”

They giggled over another few episodes, booing and hissing and pretending to throw popcorn at the screen, but Merlin wasn’t really concentrating.

The alcohol was slowly draining out of his system, enough that he was beginning to reach the uncomfortable precipice between tipsy and sober, condemned by a lack of time or more booze to wobble awkwardly between the two, making his head dizzy.

And he was plagued by the familiar heightened awareness of his own body in space associated uniquely with Arthur. He could feel every centimetre of space between himself and Arthur, and exactly where and how to move to close it.

His head was spinning.

Abruptly he stood up mid-episode and walked over to slump heavily on the couch.

“What’s up?” Arthur asked, spinning around in his chair.

“Nothing,” Merlin answered, “Just didn’t feel like watching any more that’s all.”

Arthur rose and sat down next to Merlin leaving the woes of Anna to play in the background.

He grinned. “You’re a melancholy drunk.”

“I am not,” Merlin said without heat. “We weren’t even drunk we were tipsy at best.”

Arthur tucked his legs underneath him and rested his elbow on the back of the couch, so that he was sitting facing Merlin front on.

“You’re always so contrary,” he said with a smile.

“No I’m not!” Merlin said in protest, and then groaned when he realised he’d just argued with a statement he was contrary.

Arthur laughed, but didn’t say anything further.

Just looked at him with a smile on his face.

Merlin felt frozen.

“Um,” he said, without any plans of what to say further.

Arthur abruptly looked down and began picking at some lint on the couch.

“So are your parents divorced?” he asked after a few seconds.

“What?” Merlin asked wildly. His heart was racing like the hare in the proverbial tortoise race, and he didn’t know if it was the wine or Arthur. Where did his parents fit in?

“Sorry,” Arthur said, “I meant to ask earlier but we got distracted.”

Making conversation. Right, they were talking.  

He struggled to pull his brain together.

“Um, no, they’re not divorced. They never got married, but my Mum gave me my dad’s name. When I’m old enough I’m gonna change it to hers.”

“Why?” Arthur asked interestedly.

Merlin sighed.  “Cause I’ve never met him. He left my mum while she was pregnant but before I was born. I don’t know him. And I think he might have been a bit of a scumbag, not that my Mum has ever directly said so but...”

He trailed off.

Arthur was staring at him with a look of purest wonder on his face, and it struck Merlin that he’d never seen his face so soft, or so vulnerable.

He was beautiful.

“That’s the same,” Arthur was saying, “I’ve only ever known my Dad....my Mum, she died in childbirth.”

Arthur’s eyes were like a tractor beam and he was being pulled in. He had a feeling he should probably be thinking more about Arthur’s dead mother right now, but he couldn’t focus on anything but the powerful drag toward him.

He surrendered.

He leaned in.

He made contact.

It was nothing at all like it had been with Freya.

He brushed Arthur’s lips softly, hesitantly; but Arthur dragged his bottom lip into the space between Merlin’s and he felt the greatest sensation of success he’d had all day.

He repositioned his lips on Arthur’s and when Arthur’s mouth opened, and his tongue moved softly against his, it was like a jolt through his whole body.

And above all, where the kiss had felt like the goal in of itself with Freya, with Arthur, it was merely the top of a slippery slope into something else his body was dragging him down almost without his awareness.

Arthur leaned more heavily into the kiss and Merlin responded eagerly, hardly noticing as Arthur’s weight began slowly to lean him backwards.

Arthur kept going, crawling slowly across the couch until Merlin was laid gently on his back, Arthur’s weight positioned comfortably on top of him.

Merlin broke the kiss, intending feebly to protest – he didn’t want to be the one on their back – but then Arthur repositioned his hips and ground down.

Merlin moaned.

He was hard as a rock and Arthur was too, and the friction was unbelievably good.

Arthur grinned down at him so Merlin pulled him down again, just to be contrary.

He could feel Arthur laugh into his mouth. He wanted to respond, but his skin was erupting into gooseflesh as Arthur dragged a hand down his side and slipped it under his shirt.

He was so hard he thought he might burst.

“Hey –“ he whispered, but he was interrupted by a painfully familiar noise.

A key jiggling in a lock.

His mother was home.

They froze.

“Merlin?” his mother called and her voice seemed to spur Arthur into action.

He sprang off Merlin as though he was made of hot coals and hurriedly fiddled with the waistband on his jeans his bulge wasn’t visible.

Merlin pulled himself slowly up into a sitting position and winced as he tucked one knee up under his chin so nothing was on display.

They listened awkwardly to his mother bustle around the kitchen before finally opening the door to the sitting room.

“Oh! You’re still here. Sorry- Arthur? – you gave me a fright.”

Arthur smiled weakly.

“Good evening Mrs – Hunith,” he said in a strangled voice.

His mother chattered to Arthur, asking how the night had been, Arthur giving perfect, polite answers. Merlin couldn’t even speak.

He felt as though he’d just been taken right up into the sky on the most incredible rush, only for his plane to abruptly stop leaving him to freefall his way back to earth.

The warm electric feeling that had coursed through his veins only moments earlier was being replaced by something cold and viscous so quickly Merlin could actually feel the temperature change running through him.

Anxiety.

He’d made out with Arthur.

He’d made out with him, and nearly been caught.

“Um,” Arthur said and Merlin looked up to realise his mother had left the room.

“I’d better go,” Arthur was saying, picking up his bag.

“Yeah,” Merlin said hoarsely. Arthur looked like he was waiting for something, but he seemed to change his mind because he left without a word.

Merlin couldn’t see him out the door. He couldn’t even move.

The cold feeling was turning to sickness in his stomach, and his body began to tremble. Embarrassment and leftover adrenaline were heating up his face, causing him to flush. He was seized by the most absurd urge to cry.

“Merlin –“ his mother said, walking back into the room, and stopped.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Merlin croaked.

She put the back of her hand on his forehead.

“You’re trembling,” she said.

“I’m fine,” he whispered.

He’d made out with a boy, he started it, he initiated it, he made out with him.......

His mother said something that Merlin could only hear as though it was being spoken underwater. When he refocused his attention, he realised she'd left the room. He heard her clanging around the kitchen, until a piercing shriek rent the air. She came storming back in.

“Merlin,” she said said, fury etched into every line on her face, “have you been drinking?”

Sluggishly Merlin looked up at her, slowly focusing on the two wine bottles she clutched in each hand.

“Yes,” he said, seeing no point in denying it. He should’ve taken them to the dustbin outside instead of lumping them in with the rest of the rubbish in the kitchen, but he hadn’t wanted to leave Arthur for too long.

“Merlin you know the kind of accidents I have to treat because of underage drinking! You know you can’t be wasting your time with this when you need top marks to stay in that school! How could you...”

On and on it went, Merlin not even half-listening.

“You’re drunk aren’t you?” his mother asked, giving up on the lecture.

“Not really. I don’t think so. Not anymore.”

His mother sighed.

“Have a glass of water then go on up to bed,” she instructed tersely. Merlin pulled himself slowly to his feet, his mother by his side with water he didn’t really need by the time he’d made it to a standing position.

She nattered on at him while he drank it. “You’re doing nothing but chores all day for this tomorrow, I don’t care how you feel when you wake up. And you can forget about having that Arthur over again, if this is the kind of behaviour he’s going to encourage.”

“Yes Mum,” he said quietly, handing her back the empty glass.

Her expression softened into one of sympathy.  “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine,” he said, walking for the staircase. “Just fine.”

He didn’t come downstairs the following day until noon.

“Will’s back from his mother’s house, he came over earlier,” his mother told him, “I told him you were still asleep. You’re not going over there until you’ve washed the car though.”

Merlin nodded jerkily.

He didn’t want to see Will. He was afraid Will would take one look at him and know what he’d done the previous night.

Anxiety crawled over his scalp, digging in with prickly spider’s legs, so Merlin quickly turned his thoughts aside before it could piece too deeply.

He’d already become quite adept at it, after only one night of practise. But then, he’d had hours.

He’d lain awake the night before, trying desperately to seek sanctuary from his thoughts in sleep but it wouldn’t come.

Every time he returned to the events of the night, he felt an unnamed, un-worded thought float up through his mind like a ball trying desperately to seek the surface and be finally voiced.

But he didn’t want to let it up. He knew, far down inside himself, exactly what that thought was, and he never, ever wanted to give voice to it. He just didn’t.

So, after hours of careful suppression, adding more layers between himself and it, he finally faced the situation.

Careful reflection and internet searches had led him to two conclusions.

First, he’d been drunk. He hadn’t felt especially so at the time, but in comparison to his sober mind, it was obvious he had been.

Secondly, he had a girlfriend, and he did like her. So that was a point to girls at least.

After reading several accounts from people in similar situations online, he’d come to the executive decision that he was straight, but Arthur-sexual.

People of one particular sexual orientation falling for someone of their non-preferred gender and no one else of that gender were not unheard of, at least online. And after all, if he was honest with himself, there was really no one else that made him feel the way Arthur did, boy or girl. So it was obvious, strange as it may be, that Arthur was that special exception for him.

The only trouble was he’d done nothing but kiss a girl so far. He seriously needed to change that. And he also needed, as hard as it would be, to cut Arthur out of his life. The last thing he needed was any kind of.....anything, with a boy. After all, part of the point of dating Freya was that now was the time in his life to start focusing on women.

Plan made, he texted Freya and asked if she was free tomorrow night instead of Wednesday. He couldn’t let seeing her wait.

Then he got up, collected the soaps and sponges and several buckets of water, and parked the car in Clarence Street to wash. He didn’t want Will seeing him outside and thinking it was alright to come over to talk to him.

Thinking of Will made a cold prickle of fear start to rise in his belly, so he pushed it aside and focused as hard as he could on nothing but washing the car.

“Where did you go?” his mother asked when he walked through the door.

“Car’s clean,” Merlin replied, and before she could ask him to start on the vacuuming, he disappeared into the bathroom to drown himself in a long, hot shower.

***

The universe of course, did not want to co-operate with him.

Merlin left the shower (after staying in for so long his mother asked if he’d slipped and needed help) to find a text on his phone from Arthur.

Do you want to come to mine this time tonight?

 “Whyyyyyyyyyyy,” he groaned aloud.

This was it. He’d have to tell him, as politely as possible, that he’d made a drunken error the night before. He did like Arthur, but he wasn’t looking for anything with boys thanks, and actually, he had a girlfriend.

He hesitated.

He really should just text that to Arthur, to avoid confusing him any further. But what was it his mother was always saying? That it was rude to leave important discussions to facebook or text messaging? This kind of thing required a meeting, an in-person discussion. He owed it to him to tell him in person after he’d (accidentally) made a move on him last night after all. So really, it was the right thing to do, visiting Arthur’s house tonight.

Yeah alright, I’ll come over.

He hit send. There. Nothing he could do about it now.

***

Merlin organised to borrow his mother’s car that night and drive himself to Arthur’s, telling her he was going to study with Gwen. He didn’t want an awkward car trip with Arthur on top of everything else.

He rang the doorbell, praying Arthur would be the one to answer it and not Morgana, or worse, Uther.

He heard the pounding of footsteps as someone ran down the staircase and then the door was flung wide with a bang and Merlin rewarded with the most dazzling of Arthur’s smiles he’d seen yet.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” Merlin said stupidly. He wished he’d brought something like Arthur had for him.

“So, want to have something to eat? Or just go up to my room?”

“Um, your room,” Merlin said. He’d already eaten with his mother.

Arthur all but leered at him.  “Good choice,” he said.

Shit. He needed to have that Just Friends conversation now.

Merlin opened his mouth but Arthur was already turning toward the staircase. Well, it would probably be better to have it in private anyway.

 “So,” Merlin started as soon as they reached Arthur’s room, but Arthur had barely closed the door before his lips were on Merlin’s.

No, Merlin thought, this isn’t the plan, come on Merlin, say something, say SOMETHING...

Arthur brushed his tongue along Merlin’s lower lip and Merlin opened his mouth almost without volition.

It was exactly like the previous night. Merlin felt as though his brain was draining down into his cock, his capacity for rational thought growing smaller and smaller the longer he kissed Arthur.

He felt Arthur back him up against his closed bedroom door.

“Will you stop doing that?” he broke the kiss to snap.

“Doing what?” Arthur asked.

“I dunno, last night, you....”

Pride stopped him saying the phrase “got me on my back”.

“.....and now, you put me against the door....”

Arthur grinned, and then kissed him long, slow and soft.

“Sorry,” he said, not looking sorry at all.

“Yeah,” Merlin said, “Well, um, this whole thing, actually, I need to talk to you about it...”

But Arthur started dragging his mouth along his neck and what few of Merlin’s thoughts had managed to pull themselves together again during his brief argument with Arthur fled as quickly as leaves before a strong wind.

Merlin’s legs turned to jelly and he gripped Arthur’s arms for support. Arthur responded by gently leaning him back against the door and pushing his leg between Merlin’s thighs.

It felt so good, so natural, that Merlin couldn’t stop himself spreading his legs a little. Arthur took advantage of the motion and quickly slipped a hand over the crotch of Merlin’s jeans.

There was something, some nagging stupid voice in Merlin’s voice trying to tell him this wasn’t a good idea, but its argument was lost in the roar of “feels so good” and “more, more, more”.

Merlin’s breathing became ragged as Arthur started to trace the outline of his erection through his trousers. He found himself silently praying that Arthur would let his hand drift a little higher, to the zip, pull it down so Merlin could really feel him.

But instead, Arthur kept up the slow rhythm on the outside of Merlin’s pants, and brought his other hand up to Merlin’s. He slid almost the whole of his tongue into Merlin’s mouth, as he linked his fingers with his and slowly brought his hand from his shoulder down the length of his body.

To his crotch.

“No!” Merlin blurted before he could stop himself.

He couldn’t palm Arthur.

It was too....it was too...

There it was again, that bubble of thought, trying to well up from inside.

Don’t think it, don’t think it, don’t think about it, it’s not true if you don’t think it.

“Ok,” Arthur said gently, letting go of Merlin’s hand and removing his own from Merlin’s crotch. “It’s ok, we’ll stop.”

Merlin was breathing hard. Part of him was already beginning to panic, the other was clearly still interested in continuing what Arthur had started.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about you and.......what stage you’re at,” Arthur said. “We’ll go slow ok?”

Merlin wanted to scream that they couldn’t go slow because this wasn’t a relationship, he’d come here to tell Arthur they should just be friends.

But just as panic began to drag him down into its black spiral from the giddy heights of arousal, Arthur hugged him.

It was purely chaste, and if Merlin hadn’t been feeling the way he was, he’d feel insulted that Arthur thought him so girly as to think he needed comforting, and to do it with a hug.

But it felt nice. He’d had minor panic attacks before, usually about realising he’d been looking at another boy again. But nobody had ever been there with him while he’d done it. He’d always been alone, freaking out inside his own head.

But this was someone else with him. Someone who understood, and comforted him wordlessly, with no pressure, just support. Merlin felt almost as though the anxiety was draining away into Arthur’s arms.

Arthur pulled back and smiled at him.

“Come on,” he said, taking him by the hand and leading him over to the bed. He switched on the television mounted into wall opposite, propped himself against the headboard, stretched out his legs and said: “What do you want to watch?”

Merlin settled next to him cautiously.   

He still felt vaguely anxious, but he also felt warm and – corny as it was to admit – safe, and he decided to focus on the latter feeling, as he suggested: “Doctor Who?”

Arthur made a twitch like he was barely refraining from rolling his eyes, but he flicked through until he found a re-run of the previous night’s episode and put it on without complaint.

“What, did your father get you nothing but coal for Christmas as a kid?” Merlin teased, reaching over and poking Arthur in the ribs.

“What?” Arthur asked.

“Just trying to figure out what’s made you so soulless that you don’t like Doctor Who,” Merlin replied. “Now, obviously you were born with a heart, cause everybody is, but something must have happened to turn it into ice along the way.”

“Oh shut up Merlin,” Arthur said, while Merlin laughed.

Arthur stretched an arm out.

Merlin hesitated. That was.....awfully.......

Oh fuck it, something inside him suddenly rebelled. He was sick of worrying all the time. Arthur had a magical ability to make him forget about it, just for a second. He deserved that, for once.

He settled slowly down against Arthur’s side, tucking his head against his shoulder and Arthur put his arm down around Merlin’s.

They watched the rest of Doctor Who and then Silent Witness after it, even though they both agreed it was a crap show because it told you who the murderer was right at the start.

Merlin never moved from his warm, comfortable position in Arthur’s arms, shifting only once to look up at Arthur’s face, illuminated in yellow by the glow of the television.

Looking at him, he felt a powerfully warm feeling in his chest, like someone had lit a fire in his heart.

“What?” Arthur asked, when he noticed Merlin staring at him.

“Nothing,” Merlin said, shuffling back down Arthur’s shoulder.

He thought he saw Arthur smile.

It was soon ten o’clock, and Merlin would have to leave if he didn’t want his mother to begin growing suspicious.

“I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” Arthur said, standing inside his front door frame.

“Yeah,” Merlin said, still feeling strangely content. “Bye.”

Arthur leaned forward and captured Merlin’s lips in a quick but chaste kiss.

“Bye,” he said, and walked back inside closing the door behind him.

Walking to the car, Merlin could feel a battle building inside him over the events of the night.

But he’d already decided on a method for dealing with it.

Arthur had made him forget about all his worries for a brief moment tonight, and forgetting was going to be Merlin’s approach.

‘I think therefore I am’ the old adage went.

Surely then, I don’t think therefore I am not?

If he just never thought about it, if he focused only on the warm happy feeling he had now instead of the cold anxious one already threatening to hover permanently in the background of his mind, then he never had to deal with any of the implications of tonight, or any other night he might spend with Arthur.

He just had to stick with that, and he would be fine.

***

“Where were you all yesterday?” Will asked as they unpacked their books in Biology.

Merlin felt a brief flare of happiness as he thought about his Saturday and Sunday night with Arthur, that quickly died as he imagined Will finding out about them.

It hadn’t been fast enough to prevent a small smile.

“That good eh?” Will asked looking at him.

“What?” Merlin asked, panicking.

“Your date on Saturday!”

“Oh!”

There was nothing to worry about. Merlin had a girlfriend, and he was seeing her tonight. Focus on that. Only on that.

“Right, yeah, it was.”

“So what happened? How far did you – “

Thankfully the lesson started before Will could finish his interrogation. But it was too late to stop the chain of worry his questions had set off in Merlin’s mind.

In light of the events of the weekend he was Not Thinking About, his relationship with Freya seriously needed to progress. Just to confirm things were definitely....fine with him.

The trouble was, they’d only been on one date. He had no idea how fast you were supposed take things with a girl. He didn’t even have any clue about what he could do with her on a second date. Take her to his house? His mother would ruin things. Go to hers? He didn’t want to meet her father.

He needed to come up with something, and soon. He was seeing her in only a couple of hours. And it had to be something good. Technically, he was further along with Arthur, and that just wasn’t right for a straight man.

Don’t think about that. Don’t think about Arthur, don’t think about anything.

He tried to focus his mind on the lesson, but against his will, his mind kept wanting to compare his weekend with Freya to his weekend with Arthur, and that line of thinking led dangerously close to anxiety provoking ideas that had no business in his life right now.

He concentrated as hard as he could on the problems in his workbook to make himself stop, but the idea was only half a success, and Merlin left the lesson with a splitting headache.

“Got any painkillers?” he asked Gwen wearily at lunch. She looked at him in surprise.

“Yes,” she said, pulling some out of her bag and handing them to him.

“You gonna be alright for Freya this afternoon?” Will asked.

“Oh are you seeing her again?” Gwen said.

Merlin swallowed the pills and then answered: “Yeah, I don’t wanna cancel on her.”

He had to make a relationship with her work. Then, whatever thing he had going with Arthur was just an anomaly.

“Just do something low key,” Gwen suggested, “hang out after school or something.”

At the school. Of course. No one else would be around, but there wouldn’t be any parents either.

“Good idea,” he said, “thanks Gwen!”

“Maybe you should just date Freya,” Will said to her, “you’re basically doing it for him.”

Gwen laughed but Merlin panicked. Was it a bad sign that he could never think of something to do with her?

“You alright?” Gwen said, looking at his face.

“Sorry,” he said, “still feel a bit sick.”

***

Merlin’s headache did not dissipate for the rest of the day, but he did manage to avoid thinking about anything but schoolwork and the occasional idiotic text from Will.

That afternoon, he met up with Freya underneath a beech tree at the back of the oval. He apologised for the unromantic setting, but explained he wanted to be alone with her, and didn’t want to take her to the movies again.

“That’s ok,” she said, eyes lighting up as he pulled out the cake Gwen’s father had made for her lunch, and she in turn had thoughtfully given to him. “It’s kind of like a picnic.”

Merlin silently offered up a prayer of thanks for each and every member of the Thomas family.

They talked and though the conversation was as easy as usual, Merlin felt ill at ease. He could not stop himself over-analysing every moment, just to make sure he was enjoying it as much as he thought other boys would, were they in his position.

Eventually he kissed her again. He tried moving his hand up her waist after awhile, but she slapped it away with a giggle and told him “maybe another time”. She didn’t seem at all upset about it, and at least now second base was possibly on the cards for the future, so he counted the afternoon a success.

He got home late that evening to find his mother irate that he hadn’t told her he wouldn’t be home at the usual time or where he had been. After a long lecture about responsibility and yet another safe-sex talk Merlin went up to his room intending to collapse onto his bed only to realise he hadn’t done any of his homework.

With a groan he slowly pulled his books out of his bag, checking his phone to find two messages from Arthur.

Really sorry, can’t really talk, got too much homework, he texted truthfully then settled in for a long night of trying to catch up on three days’ worth of work whilst trying not to worry about either Arthur or Freya.

***

When he awoke the next morning it was to find that his headache had not abated at all.

He tried all day to fix it, mixing up different combinations of painkillers but nothing worked.

He had no opportunity to see either Arthur or Freya that day, though both texted him copiously. He was starting to feel a little prickle of tension in his shoulders whenever he checked his phone to find one of their names on his screen.

“Are you alright Merlin?” his mother asked, after he returned home from school.

“Fine,” he answered, though his headache was killing him and his stomach was tight with the effort of not wishing he was with Arthur or worrying about what that meant. “Just stressed about schoolwork.”

“Well, make sure you’re getting enough sleep,” his mother advised. “I know your grades are important but try not to worry too hard or you’ll make yourself sick.”

“Yes Mum,” he sighed as he walked up the stairs, cold burden of anxiety already settling about his shoulders.

***

The next day, Merlin gave in to the temptation to ask Arthur if he was free after school. He knew he should wait until after he saw Freya again on Friday as he had planned, but his headache was as persistent as ever and at least being with Arthur made him feel good.

He begged off catching the bus with Will, lying about seeing Freya again, and walked across the oval to where Arthur was waiting in his car.

“Where do you want to go?” Arthur asked as he strapped himself in.

“Away,” Merlin groaned. “Away from school, away from home, just away from everything.”

“Carry you away,” Arthur said cheerfully, “I think I can do that.”

“Fancy yourself a real knight in shining armour don’t you?” Merlin said with a grin.

“My results speak for themselves,” Arthur said, and Merlin felt an overwhelming fondness for the familiar smugness in his voice.

“You don’t even have results yet we’ve only just left school,” Merlin said with a smile.

“Well they will,” Arthur said, reaching over and threading his fingers through Merlin’s.

Merlin felt a familiar ominous thrill of anxiety spike his heart, and yet, it was easier than it had been all week to deaden it before it could take over. Arthur’s hand was a far more powerful distraction than schoolwork or Will and Gwen.

Arthur kept driving until he reached the ruins in the middle of the town.

“The castle?” Merlin asked, getting out. “It’s just full of tourists.”

“Yes, but I know this one spot,” Arthur said, ignoring the castle and striding over to a nearby tree. “When I was little, I had this chauffeur slash bodyguard slash nanny kind of thing, his name was Leon.”

“You did not,” Merlin said, following along behind him, “You’re just trying to trick me again.”

“Er,” Arthur said, stopping at the tree and looking a bit embarrassed. “Well, no, I did actually.”

Merlin gaped.  “You’re kidding.”  

“My father was busy a lot of the time,” Arthur said somewhat defensively, “anyway, Leon was really cool.”

Merlin could sense that Arthur was a bit embarrassed about this reference to his wealth, and also that he would not take any perceived slur against this Leon person well. So he closed his mouth and said “Oh. Well, that’s cool.”

Arthur relaxed.  “Anyway, Leon used to work as a security guard at the castle before he was with us, and he discovered this and showed it to me.”

The tree was perched on the edge of a small, but crumbling embankment. Merlin could see its roots sticking out through the soil eroded on one side.

Arthur shimmied down the embankment, and held out a hand for Merlin.

Merlin quickly followed and looked around expectantly.

“Right,” Arthur said. “I may have forgotten about this.”

“About what?” Merlin asked.

“We’re going to have to crawl. But only for a very short distance.”

“No way,” Merlin said immediately. “You want me to crawl through some gap in the roots don’t you?”

He expected Arthur to argue back, perhaps call him a coward or a girl, but Arthur looked a little unsure. He had the ever so slightly upset expression of one who shares a favourite book or song with someone only to be told they don’t like it.

“We don’t have to,” he said.

“No,” Merlin said, realising this place was special to Arthur for some reason. “I will, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Merlin said firmly. “Completely. I want to see it.”

“Ok,” Arthur said, bending down.

Merlin habitually made himself look away when he realised he was staring at Arthur’s arse, but then stopped. This was Arthur. He’d already ascertained that Arthur might be an exception to his rule of heterosexuality. As long as he didn’t think about it later, as long as he remained focused on girls, surely he was allowed to look at him for now?

“You alright back there?” Arthur asked as soon as he was all fours and it became apparent Merlin was not.

“Just checking out the view,” Merlin replied.

He would never have dared to say anything so bold to Freya – indeed, he could hardly believe he’d said it to anyone as soon as it was out of his mouth.

But Arthur laughed in appreciation.

“Maybe in the future darling,” he said, and damned if that didn’t get Merlin’s blood pumping.

Merlin dropped to his knees and followed as Arthur crawled through an awkward space between the roots.

Merlin followed him into a small, dark, and extremely cramped cavern. He tried not to sigh as he followed Arthur along the sloping floor, until all of a sudden he felt space above his head and cautiously sat up.

Arthur pulled out his phone and switched on its torch.

“Shit,” Merlin breathed.

They were sitting on the edge of a great cavern, so big that its floor and walls were not even visible to Merlin in the weak light of the phone torch.

“Yeah,” Arthur said, “it goes all the way under the castle. I’ve never been down though, Leon would never let me. I’d like to explore it one day.”

“I can’t believe it!” Merlin said, hugely impressed. “And no one knows about it?”

“Well they do,” Arthur, “the people who own the castle and run the tours do. Leon said he asked them about it, and they said there was an old legend that it was built into the rock beneath the castle to house a dragon. But they can hardly bring tourists down here can they?”

“Guess not,” Merlin said. He folded his legs into a sitting position, content to just stare at what little of the cave he could see in the light.

He felt wonderfully free. The enormity of the cave and Merlin’s smallness in it, its total disconnection from the rest of the world and all the problems and stress it held, seemed to temporarily suck Merlin’s worries right out of him. For the first time in a long time, he felt as though he didn’t have layers and layers of hard, careful separation between himself and a traitorous little thought he could never acknowledge deep inside him. He felt as though he was just himself, not Merlin-stuck-in-a-protective-chrysalis.

“Do you ever wish,” he said with sudden tears in his eyes that he blinked away as rapidly as he could. “That you could just stay in a place like this and never have to worry about anything again?”

Arthur looked at him carefully for a few moments before answering.

“I guess so. Sometimes, maybe,” he said.

Merlin wrapped his arms around his knees. He knew Arthur was just trying to make him feel better. Arthur would never have had worries like Merlin. He had school, and homework, and yeah, ok, everyone at the school hated him right now, but Merlin just knew that despite all he had been through Arthur had never had the kind of ever-present anxiety Merlin did. Arthur had never let a problem get so large. He had never run away from something. He was brave, he faced his problems and better, he solved them. Even when he knew it was risky, he came out as soon as he knew he was gay, because he wasn’t afraid of anything. Merlin wasn’t like that. Merlin was always running. 

“I wish I was more like you,” he said honestly.

Arthur snorted.

“What are you talking about? Merlin, you’re smart – really smart, scholarship smart. You’ll never have to worry about achieving anything, whatever you want it’s yours when you put your mind to it, even though you don’t know it. You’re kind, you’re loyal – I mean, you’re still friends with Will –“

Merlin gave a hollow laugh.

“- you’re humble and compassionate, what do you need to be like me for? You’re already great as you are.”

Merlin felt a wave of – was it gratitude? No - it was awe. Awe that Arthur thought so highly of him, when sometimes Merlin felt so weary of being Merlin, of building chrysalises and fighting fear, that he wished he could step in front of the school bus instead of onto it.

But for all his years of topping English, he could think of no words to express himself. So he leaned in to try and show Arthur instead.

The kiss was long, soft and slow, and this time, when Arthur uncertainly dragged his hand down Merlin’s chest, Merlin returned the favour and put his own hesitantly between Arthur’s thighs.

Arthur’s breathing hitched so Merlin rubbed his hand more confidently over the outline of Arthur’s bulge through his jeans.

Arthur broke the kiss.

“Merlin –“ he said, then hesitated.

Merlin drew a deep breath, and then looked Arthur straight in the eye.

“You can do it to me too if you like,” he said.

Arthur searched his eyes but Merlin held his gaze, despite the nerves fluttering like butterflies throughout his chest. Arthur seemed to find what he was looking for because he turned his attention downward and gently undid the button and fly of Merlin’s trousers.

Merlin bit down on his bottom lip. He’d never had anybody’s hand on him but his own. He was curious, nervous and excited all at once.

Arthur lifted his head and captured Merlin’s mouth in another kiss. He slid Merlin’s trousers down his thighs while his tongue was busy exploring his mouth, and then he rested his palm on the outside of his underpants.

He started slow at first, just rubbing the outside in wide, general circles, until eventually he traced the hard outline of Merlin’s cock and started rubbing up and down against it through the fabric.

Merlin felt like his brain was melting.

More, he wanted to tell Arthur, more, hurry up!

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but wrap his hands around the back of Arthur’s neck, lean into his shoulder and try to breathe.

Arthur stroked upward, and, peeling back the elastic of Merlin’s briefs, slipped his hand and wrapped it around Merlin’s cock.

Merlin shuddered.

He lost himself in the movement of Arthur’s hand for a few moments, until he began to wonder if he should be returning the favour.

He slipped one hand down from around Arthur’s neck and began to fiddle with Arthur’s jeans. Noticing what he was doing, Arthur pulled back from stroking Merlin and wriggled out of his jeans and pants until he was naked from the waist down.

Merlin blushed, suddenly glad they were in a dark cave. He didn’t know why he should feel comfortable with touching Arthur and not with looking at Arthur, but for reasons he couldn’t understand, he didn’t quite feel up to seeing Arthur naked just yet.

Arthur settled on his knees and gently pulled over toward him by a carefully placed thumb under his chin. Merlin was about to protest the use of such a film cliché in real life, but Arthur slid his tongue into his mouth before he could protest and Merlin was quickly too caught up in the feel of it to do anything else.

Suddenly, Arthur rose on his knees a little, so they were both at the same height. He repositioned Merlin’s arms so they were resting on his shoulders, and Merlin clasped his hands together behind his neck.

Arthur gave him another quick kiss, and then Merlin felt what could only be Arthur’s cock brush up against his own.

A thrill of nerves and arousal spiked through him. Arthur gave his side a quick, reassuring rub and then took them both in hand at once.

Merlin slumped his weight against Arthur, resting his forehead against his as he stroked.

Merlin could feel Arthur’s ragged breathing against his lips but he knew it was nowhere near as fast as his own. The brief thought – no, I can’t believe I’m going to come first, he’ll never let me live it down – and then a rush more powerful than anything Merlin had known by himself, as though he’d slowly climbed a building and then caught a waterfall back down.

He tried to gather his wits – he should really focus on finishing Arthur off now, he didn’t want to be selfish – but a thick haze was settling over his brain and it was all he could to tuck himself back into his pants and pull his trousers up before collapsing on the floor.

“Sorry,” he slurred a few moments later, when he felt Arthur lie down beside him, pulling his jeans up.

“S’alright,” Arthur panted, “Didn’t last much longer than you. Anyway –“ here Arthur rolled over and even in the dim light of his phone several metres away, Merlin could just see the smug grin “- no one lasts long their first time.”

Merlin wanted to groan in humiliation and cover his face with his elbow, but that seemed like too much effort right now, so he settled for embarrassed silence instead.

“Hey don’t worry about it,” Arthur said, tucking his body around Merlin’s. He was so warm and comfortable, despite the hard ground that Merlin felt his eyes closing against his will. “I’m glad it was with me.”

They lay cuddled for what felt like hours, Merlin rather enjoying the warm feeling of Arthur so close, wishing, once again, that they could just stay in the cave, at least for the night. 

But they couldn't. Arthur had a father who was expecting him and Merlin a mother who was, even now, probably preparing to lecture him about being out late again. With a tiny thrill of dread, Merlin checked his watch, the traitorous time-piece informing him that if they didn’t get moving soon it would be dark out. With a sigh of resignation, he rustled a half-asleep Arthur and they made their way outside.

Merlin felt his heart drop with every crawled step up the short passage until finally he was outside in the twilight. He looked back at the passage to the cave as they walked away, but it was already in shadow, it's brief, shining moment of respite from the world with Arthur swallowed up in the darkness.

***

It’s just Arthur so it doesn’t matter, only Arthur not any other boys, you like girls, you have a girlfriend, look see, look how pretty Elena is looking today, see you are straight  so it doesn’t matter, anyway it doesn’t count as losing as your virginity cause it was only a handjob –

“Emrys!”

Everyone looked at him.

“What?” he asked.

Someone sniggered but beside him Gwen looked worried.

“You can either explain the Pauli Exclusion Principle or you can explain what you were doing instead of listening in my class,” Mrs Brown said.

“Um,” he said.

Shit. Did she only just explain that now or was he supposed to have done readings last night?

Mrs Brown sighed.

“Please see me after class Emrys,” she said.

Merlin immediately exchanged a panicked look with Gwen. He’d never been held back after class. It just didn’t happen to them.

“See you at lunch,” Gwen whispered worriedly, packing up her things as the bell rang.

Merlin sat in his desk, returning his books to his bag as slowly as possible. He watched her write some comments on a student’s test paper, in a gold pen engraved with her name – Mithian – until finally, he could put off the moment of confrontation no longer and he trudged slowly up to her desk.  

“You wanted to see me?” he asked fearfully.

She pulled out his last piece of homework, that he’d rushed on Monday night because he hadn’t done much over the weekend.

“Now, I know this is only one piece of work,” she started, “But I’ve noticed that you’ve been a lot less attentive in class over the last few weeks than you have been in any other year that I’ve taught you. You’re one of my brightest students and I would hate to think I’m watching you slip without doing anything about it. So….is there anything going on? Anything that’s happened over the last six or so weeks?”

Mordred screaming. Valiant’s look as he kicked him, aiming for his face, breaking his nose. Looking at Gwaine in the locker room. Going on dates with Freya.

Arthur.

His headache throbbed.

“No,” he whispered, “there isn’t anything at all.”

***

The following morning was Friday, which meant that afternoon he was seeing Freya again. 

Merlin immediately felt the weight of pressure to move things along with her like someone had laid a concrete block over his chest. For the first time ever, he considered feigning sickness and asking his mother if he could stay home from school.

But he couldn’t.

Freya was expecting him, and apart from the unfairness of letting her down, he needed this date to silence that little voice inside him once and for all.

School went by as though time was stalling and jump-starting over and over again.

He concentrated twice as hard as usual in class, anxious that no other teacher should comment on a lack of attentiveness as Mrs Brown had.

And then break would come, time would grind and then stall, and Merlin’s focus would snap, leaving him to drift in a haze of worry that completely obscured him from other people, so that Will had to say his name three times at lunch before Merlin realised he was being spoken to.

Finally, the last bell of the day sounded and he walked over to Freya’s locker, where she was unpacking books from her bag.

“Hey,” he said wearily.

“Hi!” she said, lighting up at the sight of him.

“Ready to go?”

“Just about!”

Unable to think of anything else to do, Merlin had earlier suggested he take Freya home to meet his mother, hoping it sounded much more romantic than his intentions really were.

As Merlin had caught the bus to school, there was no other option but for Freya to catch it home with him and Will. Merlin prayed Will wouldn’t be obnoxious.

“So this is the famous Freya,” he said when Merlin and Freya took two seats behind him. Freya blushed at the implication Merlin talked about her all the time. Merlin sent him a grateful look.

“Um, hi,” she said.

“I’ve never had the chance to speak to a girl who likes sci fi before. Hey, do you ever look at the companion in Doctor Who and think – “

He stopped at the look on Merlin’s face.

“- damn I wish I could be her?” he finished instead.

“All the time, are you kidding? I used to have the TARDIS noise as my ringtone but I had to change it cause I kept getting excited whenever I heard it.”

Will laughed.

The rest of the conversation went without a hiccup, and Merlin was happy to sit back in his seat and leave them to it.

“Sorry about him,” he said, after they’d seen Will inside his house. “He can be a bit of a twat sometimes.”

“He’s alright,” Freya said. “Is he one of those ‘acts-likes-an-idiot-but-is-really-super-smart’ types?”

“Nah, he really is an idiot,” Merlin said, fumbling for his keys. “He’s in on music scholarship, not academic.”

Freya raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah I know right? Doesn’t seem the type. He actually plays classical guitar, if you can believe it. But if you ever tease him about it, he’ll punch you in the face, it won’t matter that you’re a girl.”

She giggled.

“To be fair to him though, he actually is amazing. He’s already been accepted into the music program of three different universities, and we’re only in Year 11.”

He found the key and put it in the lock.

“Ready?” he asked. She nodded, smile on her face.

“Hey Mum,” he called, and taking Freya by the hand, led her into the kitchen where his mother was sitting in her scrubs, eating an early dinner before work.

“Mum,” he said, pulling Freya forward. “This is Freya. My girlfriend.”

His mother beamed, and hurried up out of her chair to embrace her.

“Hello dear! Good to meet you! Good to meet you, would you like something to eat? Something to drink? Can I get you anything?”

“Er, no, thank you Mrs Emrys,” she said smiling.

“Oh I’m not Mrs Emrys dear, just Hunith will do.”

“Ok.”

His mother interrogated her so politely Merlin didn’t think Freya realised she was being given the third degree – how did she like the school? How had she met Merlin? Oh, did she like Maths class? What were her grades normally like?

“Mum,” Merlin said, before her questions became too invasive. “Freya and I are gonna go upstairs, do some study.”

His mother fixed him with a stare that managed to summarise every safe-sex lecture she’d ever given him in one look.

“I don’t know,” she said, “It’s such a lovely day, why don’t you study at the kitchen table? More sunlight.”

Freya shuffled awkwardly, but neither she nor Merlin could think of a reasonable excuse as to why they could not study downstairs, so they ended up spreading their maths homework out on the table which they promptly abandoned in favour of giggling over youtube videos watched on Merlin’s phone and spelling out words like “flirt” and “fancy” and “attraction” in a game of hangman scrawled on a spare sheet of paper.

Finally, Hunith announced that it was time she leave for work, though not before pulling Merlin aside and advising him for the umpteenth time that true gentlemen waited until they were sure a lady was ready.

“Mum!” he groaned, “go to work!”

Freya looked up at him as he returned from locking the door behind her.

“Privacy at last,” he confirmed and she grinned.

“So how come your mum’s not Mrs Emrys?” Freya asked as Merlin led her upstairs to his room.

“Long story,” he answered shortly, “you want something to eat or something?”

“No,” Freya said, sitting down on the bed with a grin, “your mum already asked me that.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, “right.”

He sat down next to her, feeling nervous.

She smiled, which he took as his cue to kiss her.

It continued that way for some time, in the way that it always did, pleasant, but not much more than that. Emboldened however by Freya’s confidence, Merlin decided to try slowly leaning forward and pushing her onto her back.

It worked. Clueing in to what he wanted, she lay down and lifted her legs onto the bed, giggling and blushing.

Pleased, Merlin settled his own weight on her, careful to make sure nothing was touching below the waist so she didn’t feel rushed.

She looked up at him, smiled, and leaned up to drag his lower lip into hers.

Brushing his tongue against hers, Merlin placed his hand apprehensively against her side and slowly drew it up.

This time, she didn’t stop him.

Merlin slowed.

Now that it had come to the moment, he felt a little strange about the possibility of actually touching her breast. Nevertheless, it was basically what he’d brought her to his house to do, so he drew a deep breath and slipped it all the way up her top until he was resting it over her bra.

Freya’s breath hitched. He wasn’t quite sure what to do after that, so he moved it in a circle over the outside of her bra cup and moved his mouth down to her neck because he’d read in a magazine that girls liked that.

After a time however, Freya squirmed and it occurred to him he should probably try putting his hand inside her bra.

Right.

Tentatively, he traced the outline of the cup, and then slipped his hand inside.

It was warm and soft and when he played with the nipple it hardened.

He rolled it a little in his palm, trying to catalogue exactly what it felt like, comparing all the ways it was different to every other part of the human body, searching for that special something that made it different, more exciting.

Something was wrong.

Abruptly, Freya sat up, and stripped off her shirt completely, and unclasped her bra, leaving it to fall away.

There they were.

She blushed and started to look a little uncomfortable, so Merlin kissed her again and she began to relax.

But Merlin didn’t.

Something was wrong.

He dragged his mouth down her neck again, and this time, he kept going until he reached her breast – and with the nervous apprehension of taking a deep breath before a long plunge, he began to kiss his way across it, until he reached the nipple.

Once there, he couldn’t help but mentally draw back into himself, and analyse the experience centimetre by fleshy centimetre, just to make sure – everything was going right, this was what you were supposed to do, this was how it was supposed to feel –

Abruptly, Merlin sat up.

Freya gasped.

“Sorry,” he said, “sorry…”

But it was half-hearted at best. In truth, he could barely summon enough attention for her to notice that she looked confused, and a little embarrassed, and absolutely none to do anything about it.

It had just hit him, in a moment of alarming clarity, exactly what was wrong.

He wasn’t hard.

He was looking at his girlfriend’s breasts, he was touching them, he was sucking them and he wasn’t hard.

“Um,” he said, “um…”

He had no idea what to do. Belatedly, it occurred to him to carry on as though nothing was wrong and hope she didn’t notice, but he’d left it far too long for that.

“Is everything alright?” she asked.

Think fast Merlin.

“Yeah,” he said in a strangled voice. “Just um....had to slow things down a bit or else....”

He trailed off leaving her to draw her own conclusions, as he had absolutely no idea how to finish that sentence.

It seemed to work. Freya looked at him with her face shining. She thanked him for being so considerate, and agreed they should probably stop here for today, though she tentatively suggested that maybe Merlin needed some attention?

He hurriedly dispelled that idea by pointing out that, really, that would not be stopping for the day, and anyway, weren’t her parents going to pick her up soon?

She agreed, and got dressed.

Merlin let her chatter on, already too disconnected from the situation to pay any attention to what she saying.

Fear as even he’d never known before was trailing its way like cold thick custard from the top of his head and slowly over his shoulders, making its way inexorably into his chest to freeze his heart.

He could hardly hear what she was saying, agreeing before he’d thought about what he was doing to changing his relationship status on facebook from “single” to “in a relationship with Freya Donnelly”.

He a vague recollection of kissing her goodbye, of saying (quite truthfully) that he was too afraid of her father to walk her past his front door, and then she was gone.

Merlin felt his last thread of self control leave with her and then his head began to swim. His vision was blurring, his breath coming faster and faster and rising within him, a strong tide of panic, waiting to drag him under and carry him out to sea.

But Merlin had not been raised by a nurse for almost seventeen years and learned absolutely nothing about the human body. He knew he was having a panic attack, and he needed to get it under control right now.

He sat down as quickly as he could and concentrated hard on his breathing, without trying to control it, simply focusing as hard as he could on observing it, and making sure his whole attention was only on his breath and nothing else.

Slowly, his breathing began to return to normal, until his head cleared, his chest loosened, and after a few more moments of peacefully monitoring his breath, he opened his eyes.

The world was back to normal.

He absolutely could not think about anything that had happened this afternoon, or it wouldn’t stay that way. He would go under again.

As though he had personally heard Merlin’s pleas for distraction, Merlin’s text alert sounded to reveal a message from Arthur.

Bored and Friday afternoon, want to come over?

YES PLEASE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

***

An hour later and Merlin was sitting in Arthur’s room, trying desperately to watch him play Call of Duty Black Ops II and not think about anything else. He was only half succeeding.

With a violent and graphic explosion of blood on the screen, Arthur was defeated. He put the controller down quite cheerfully for someone who’d just been beaten and rolled over to Merlin.

“Wanna do something else?” he asked with a wicked grin.

“Yes please,” Merlin whispered, temple throbbing.

Arthur wasted no time in pushing him down, and Merlin let him, desperately seeking the mindlessness characteristic of messing around with Arthur.

Arthur kissed him hungrily, trailing all over his face until he was pushing up Merlin’s shirt and fiddling with Merlin’s jeans.

Merlin expected to feel Arthur’s hand but instead he felt the soft press of lips to his belly.

He sat bolt upright.

“What are you –“

“Don’t worry,” Arthur taking him in hand and lining his mouth up, “it’ll feel good.”

And then Merlin was slowly enveloped by a wet heat.

He groaned and fell back to the bed. It was good, it was much better than a handjob had been.

He felt That Thought, knocking against the shell he’d carefully built to protect himself from it, anxiety at its presence rising in response inside him – please, he told The Thought, desperately focusing on Arthur’s mouth, how good it felt around him - please just shut up, please.

And then Arthur changed pace, sucking harder and faster, and Merlin dared to peek down at him, at his beautiful smile stretched wide around him and – Oh god. He came with a rush.

“Told you it was good,” Arthur said, after he’d wiped his mouth.

But Merlin didn't feel good. He felt curiously as though the come-down from orgasm was dragging the rest of his heightened emotions down with it, and he noticed with alarm that the stress previously tightening his body was spiralling down into an embarrassing urge to cry. He lifted his hands to cover his face.

Don’t lose it. Keep it together, three deep breaths, come on.

“You alright?” Arthur asked.

Merlin took a final breath, nodded and removed his hands from his face as soon as he was sure his expression was impassive again.

“Lost you there,” Arthur said with a grin.

“Yeah,” Merlin tried to laugh. “What can I say you’re just that good.”

Arthur laughed and then captured his mouth in another long, slow kiss.

Merlin was content to focus simply on the feel of Arthur’s tongue, curiously soothing, until Arthur undid his zip and pulled down his jeans.

He broke away from Merlin’s mouth and leaned back.

Suddenly, Merlin realised what Arthur wanted. He wanted Merlin to do exactly what Arthur had just done. He wanted him to give him a blow job.

Cock-sucker, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Valiant’s sounded in his head, and suddenly it was all too much.

The aborted afternoon with Freya, his headache, his panic attack – they all built inside him at once, until suddenly something hot and acidic and painful was clawing its way up Merlin’s throat – it’s The Thought! – a voice inside him shrieked hysterically – but then it reached Merlin’s mouth and he realised all too late that it wasn’t metaphorical at all, it was very, very real.

He leaned forward and vomited all over Arthur’s floor. 

“Oh my god!” Arthur shouted, sitting up.

“I’m sorry!” he said, tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’ll clean it up, quick where’s your bathroom, I’ll get towels or something...”

“You’re sick!” Arthur cried, crawling over to Merlin’s side of the bed and putting his hand on his back. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“....and a mop and bucket, if we put stain remover into hot water it’ll get it out no problem, I’ll have it cleaned up I promise –“

“Merlin,” Arthur said firmly, interrupting him. Merlin stopped, desperately trying to get a hold on himself.

“Hey, look at me,” Arthur said gently, and Merlin obeyed.

“It’s fine,” Arthur said softly, reassurance in every inch of his face. “It’s not a problem. I’ll just call George and pay him extra to clean it up. Alright?”

Merlin didn’t trust himself to speak without hurling again. His mouth tasted like vomit, and the smell of it was making his stomach churn even more.

“Now are you ok?” Arthur asked. “Do you need to go home?”

Merlin nodded mutely, grateful and embarrassed all at once.

“I’ll take you home.”

Merlin didn’t speak during the car trip.

When Merlin had been thirteen, Will had bounded over one day with the kind of enthusiasm Merlin had not seen from him since his mother moved out after finalising the divorce a few months earlier.

“What?” Merlin asked, opening the door.

“Merlin,” he said, eyes alight, “You have to see this.”

Merlin had obediently followed Will into his house, where he immediately took him up to his father’s room.

“How long till your Dad comes home?” Merlin asked, knowing the only way Mr. Tully would allow them into his room was if he wasn’t home to know about it.

“Not long, so we gotta be quick. Here,” Will had pulled out from under the bed a collection of old VHS tapes.

“Videos? Why do you even still have a video player?” Merlin teased.

Will ignored him and hit play.

“Holy shit!” Merlin said.

It was porn. Will hadn’t bothered to rewind it entirely, instead beginning it in the middle of a blowjob.

“Right?” Will said.

They didn’t talk anymore after that, hungrily watching the rest of it in silence. Merlin was completely captured by the sight of the porn star’s dick sliding in and out of his co-star’s mouth.

“Look at her mouth,” Will said, completely fixated on the blonde woman. “Oh look, this is the best bit, look check it out, you can see her boobs now.”

The camera angle switched, so that it was looking at the woman instead of up at the man. Merlin began to grow bored. He couldn’t see very much of the guy anymore, and the blow-job wasn’t changing pace or nearing completion.

“Skip ahead,” he asked Will.

Will obediently fast forwarded until he reached a shot of the man fingering his blonde co-star.

The focus was all on the woman, on her body spread out before the camera, her loud moans filling Will’s father’s tiny bedroom.

Merlin watched entranced for a few minutes, and then once again, began to grow bored. He wished he could see more of the man. How was he feeling? How hard was he? How far away was he from cumming?

“Fast forward again,” he told Will, but Will refused.

“This is the most you can see of her in the whole thing,” Will said, “and she looks like she’s having the most fun in this section too.”

And that was when Merlin realised, that where he had been focusing on the man, Will had been focusing on the woman.

Where he’d been wondering how the man felt, how much fun he was having, Will had been thinking about how she felt, he’d even noticed at which parts she’d been enjoying herself the most.

For the first time in his life, he was different to Will. They’d shared an experience, and he hadn’t felt the same.

A thought took shape in the back of his mind, for the very first time in his life, and he didn’t like it. He and Will had always had their lives planned. They were going to get their first girlfriends together, become a doctor and a famous musician, and when they bought houses for families of their own, they would be right next door to each other, just the way they’d always been. How could they rely on each other if they were different? How could they stick to the plan if things changed?

So he’d told himself he just hadn’t watched it properly, and anyway, teenagers went through stupid phases all the time.

He turned that thought into a ball, and he pushed it far down inside himself, and to stop it rising back up, he’d put a layer between himself and it, like a protective shell. And with every year that passed, the shell got thicker, and yet more brittle.

But sitting in the passenger seat of Arthur’s car now, years later he could feel it pressed against that shell, dislodged and prompted upward during his evening with Arthur. He needed to get rid of it.

Arthur took him inside when they arrived and walked him up to bed, fetching him a glass of water and asking him if he needed anything else before he left.

Merlin asked if he could get him some painkillers called Serapax from the bathroom. He didn’t tell him they were actually sleeping tablets.

Arthur stayed long enough to make sure he swallowed them down without issue, then he turned off Merlin’s light and left.

Merlin sank into the sweet, Thoughtless, anxiety-free bliss of drug induced sleep.

***

One of the only benefits of being the son of a nurse was having a good deal more pharmaceutical drugs in the house than most other people. One of the many drawbacks was extensive (and rather hypocritical) lectures on the evils of all of them, so that Merlin had hardly ever actually used any of them, and certainly never Serapax.

Thus, he woke completely unprepared for the side effects of taking what turned out to be more than the recommended dose, and was left defenceless against his mother storming in to wake him up by shaking the packet underneath his nose, and asking what the hell he thought he was doing.

Unaware of the necessity of putting the tablets back exactly as he found them, Arthur had simply returned the pack haphazardly to the bathroom cupboard, leaving them to fall on his mother as she opened it in search of a new razor.

He tried as hard as he could, but Merlin simply could not focus on what she was saying. He felt as though he was still asleep, though he knew by the fact that his eyes were open that he was not.

His head was stuffed full of cotton wool that made every single thought slow, effortful and vague.

And yet.

There was no anxiety like this. His mind was far too hazed to produce it. There was something to be said for that.

“- listening to me?!”

He swivelled slowly to face her.

“I’m sorry,” he said honestly, “I’m trying.”

“What is wrong with you these days?!” she shouted, and to his surprise, she turned and fled the room.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, wrapped his arms around his knees, and stared at the opposite wall, trying to clear his mind for what felt like hours, but could equally have been minutes.

His mother pushed open his bedroom door again and sat down on the bed, breathing hard.

“Before I punish you,” she said seriously, “I need to know. Is there something going on? Because you’ve been sick, you’ve been stressed, you’ve been drinking and taking tablets and out at all hours without letting me know where you are – before you say anything, I know that’s just par for the course with teenagers, and I know I could have it a lot worse. But it’s not normal for you Merlin. So before I go punishing you for some – I don’t know, breakdown you’re having – without realising, you have to tell me if there’s something going on.”

He hoped he wouldn’t regret his answer tomorrow, when he found himself grounded from here to next year, but right now it was so much easier to just let his mind continue to drift in the white cloud of total absence of feeling it was caught on.

“No,” he said dreamily, “You have to punish me.”

His mother sighed.

“There’s no point starting it today,” she said, “you obviously don’t care about anything right now. But I will make sure you regret your behaviour of the past few weeks starting from tomorrow Merlin. I’m sick of it. You have everything to be grateful for and no reason whatsoever to start behaving like this.”

Merlin lay down and tried to go back to sleep, but annoyingly, he found that though he was nowhere near alert, neither was he able to sleep normally any longer.

He lay trapped in a haze between sleep and wakefulness for at least an hour, during which he stared at the ceiling and answered vaguely in the affirmative to Freya’s text asking if she could come over again that afternoon.

Soon however, he became aware enough for the feeling of disconnection to grow irritating.

He went downstairs for a drink of water, and then had another, but was forced to conclude the liquid wasn’t speeding the drug out of his system any faster.

“Try a walk,” his mother said dryly from where she was sat reading the newspaper at the table behind him.

Merlin shuffled in embarrassment, but she had said she was leaving off the punishment until tomorrow. Figuring he had nothing left to lose, he got dressed and wandered outside to the bus stop, where he caught a bus to the Valley Mall, hoping the crowds of people would help wake him up.

He wandered vaguely around the shops for a while, sipping on a bottle of water.

He had just stopped outside a popular brand name store, and had just begun to wonder idly if the hipsters shopping there were being deliberately ironic in spending so much on brand name clothing made to look second-hand when he heard someone calling his name.

It was Arthur.

“How the hell are you here?” he asked stupidly.

“Nice to see you too,” Arthur said, stopping just in front of him. “I’m shopping with my father.”

“Oh,” Merlin said. He suddenly felt like an idiot, coming to a shopping mall by himself.

“What are you doing?”

“Just....wandering.”

“Are you alright? I mean from yesterday. You were pretty sick.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, “Er yeah, I’m fine now. Must’ve been some 24 hour bug or something. I’m really sorry about that by the way.”

“Well it was pretty gross,” Arthur said cheerfully, “And it totally killed the mood, I don’t think I’ll ever want to give you head again. But George managed to clean it up, so that was alright.”

“Who’s George anyway?” Merlin asked.

“Really Merlin? I threaten you with abstinence and that’s what you take out of that sentence?”

Merlin grinned.  “Maybe you weren’t that good and I just don’t care. Or maybe that’s the real reason I chundered, you literally make me sick.”

“Hmmm.....yeah I dunno Merlin, I think your performance yesterday proves otherwise. I’ve never seen a man come so fast.”

Merlin blushed.

“Kidding,” Arthur said, noticing it. Merlin hoped to god that was true. “George is my housekeeper.”

“You have a housekeeper?” Merlin asked. “Named George?”

He stopped as something wonderfully hilarious occurred to him.

“No. He’s your butler!”

“Shut up Merlin I do not have a butler.”

“You do so!” Merlin laughed. “You have a butler! Oh my god I can’t believe it! I bet his name isn’t even really George. I bet its Jeeves.”

 “Don’t be so –“

“Arthur,” an unfamiliar voice interrupted, and Merlin looked over to see a tall man with grey hair and a small scar on his forehead striding over towards them.

“Father,” Arthur said, face lighting up. Merlin’s stomach swooped.

“Father this is Merlin,” Arthur said, and Merlin felt a rush of affection mingled with embarrassment for the tinge of pride in his voice.

“Pleasure to meet you Mr. Pendragon,” he said, in his politest voice.

Uther fixed him with a look that told Merlin he knew exactly what he was to Arthur, and he didn’t approve one bit.

“Merlin,” he said neutrally, extending a hand.

Merlin took it and Uther gripped it so hard it could not in any way have been mistaken for friendly.

Merlin looked up in surprise to see a brief look of utter disdain flit across Uther’s face, before he turned back to Arthur.

Watching him question Arthur about this suit and that tie, the way he angled his body so that he effectively excluded Merlin from the conversation, Merlin suddenly understood, as completely as though he’d read his mind, that Uther Pendragon may have accepted his son’s sexuality, but he would never approve of it. Although he understood it would never happen, in his deepest mind, there would never be a day when he wouldn’t prefer Arthur to be straight.

Merlin felt a wave of overwhelming sadness for Arthur. Merlin may have disappointed his mother in the past – more often than not lately – but he couldn’t think of a single thing he could do (short of perhaps murdering somebody) that would make him lose her approval, her pride in him.

He didn’t understand how Uther could possibly do that Arthur, when Arthur was so brave and smart and kind, underneath all the sarcasm and arrogance. He didn’t understand how Uther couldn’t see that Arthur was just about perfect, and it angered him.

“- find a store in London maybe. We’ll have to go home, drive up tomorrow...”

“Oh, are you leaving?” Merlin cut in.

Uther flicked him a glance of irritation for his interruption but Arthur answered before he could admonish him.

“Yes, sorry.”

“Why don’t you come back with me instead?” Merlin said boldly.

“Really?” Arthur asked, flicking a questioning look toward his father.

Yeah take that Uther Pendragon, Merlin thought, as the man visibly tried and failed to think of a reason he should not go to Merlin’s house.

“Just be back at a reasonable time tonight, I want to take you to London tomorrow,” he said finally.

“Ok,” Arthur promised.

They said their goodbyes and then walked away, Merlin leading the way to the bus stop until Arthur started to turn left down a little side alley of shops that led to the carpark.

“We have to catch the bus home, I didn’t bring the car,” Merlin said.

“I drove here,” Arthur replied.

“Really? How will your dad get home?”

Arthur gave him a funny look. “He drove here too.”

“But didn’t you share a car, if you were going out together?”

“No point having your own car if you don’t use it,” Arthur replied.

Merlin didn’t say anything. He thought that was shocking parenting on Uther’s behalf, treating Arthur as though he was a friend or flatmate he was meeting out, instead of his son that he lived with.

But then, perhaps Arthur was used to it. Perhaps Arthur understood that was simply how Uther was, a little cold, a little detached, but his father nonetheless. Perhaps Arthur accepted and approved of Uther the way he was, even if Uther couldn’t completely do that for him.

I’ll do that for him, Merlin thought, I’ll give him that support instead.

He hurried ahead until he was by Arthur’s side, and slipped his hand into Arthur’s.

“That’s nice Merlin, but we’re in a carpark you’re going to have to let go in about two seconds,” Arthur said.

But he looked pleased all the same.

Merlin just grinned at his pride, and gave him a kiss on the cheek when they reached the car before hurrying over to the passenger side.

***

“Mum,” Merlin called, “You remember Arthur don’t you?”

He was overcome by the urge to lead him forward by the hand as he had done Freya, but checked himself just in time.

“Merlin,” Hunith said sternly, “what did we agree upon this morning?”

“That my punishment doesn’t start till tomorrow?” Merlin said hopefully, praying Arthur would not pry into what he was punished for.

Hunith sighed.

“You better enjoy yourselves, it’s the last time you’re doing anything but housework or homework for a month Merlin, that includes television and the internet.”

“Thanks Mum,” Merlin said, already turning around to take Arthur upstairs.

“I’m going out grocery shopping soon Merlin you’ll have to lock the door behind me!” she called, but Merlin was already closing his door and didn’t bother to reply.

“No friends, television or internet for a month?” Arthur asked, sitting down on Merlin’s bed. “Harsh.”

“Mmm,” Merlin said, “Better enjoy myself now then.”

He sat down next to Arthur and leaned forward and brushed his lips against his with a smile.

Arthur responded eagerly.

Merlin trailed his hands up and down Arthur’s arms, settling eventually on his hands and linking his fingers with Arthur’s.

He never broke the kiss, but leaned forward slowly, until he was forced by the awkward angle to sit up on his knees.

Arthur swung his legs up onto the bed.

Trailing his mouth down Arthur’s neck, Merlin pulled Arthur’s hands above his head and slowly settled him onto his back, lowering himself on top of him.

“You’ve wanted this for ages,” Arthur teased.

“Pretty much since the second time I met you,” Merlin said seriously. He didn’t know if it was the ever-so-slightly lingering effects of the drugs, or his determination that there should be someone in Arthur’s life who properly appreciated how amazing he was, but Merlin was resolute that Arthur should know that he cared.

Arthur blinked and leaned upward and seized Merlin’s mouth in a hungry, passionate kiss that left Merlin’s ears ringing.

Merlin broke it, and trailed his lips down Arthur’s neck.

He hesitated over his collarbone, and then in one swift movement, shucked Arthur’s shirt up exposing most of his chest.

He pressed light kisses all the way down Arthur’s belly, heart was pounding with nerves, but he wasn’t going to stop now. He’d let Arthur down yesterday, but he wasn’t going to today. Arthur deserved it.

Now was the moment.

He heard the sound of his mother’s voice calling for him up the stairs, but he ignored it. He drew a deep breath and rolled Arthur’s trousers and boxers down in one movement.

The sight of him hit Merlin like a punch to the chest. It was confronting yes, and Merlin was sure there were nerves in there somewhere, but above all, an overwhelming sense of rightness, of desire. Arthur was long, hard, and beautiful.

Somewhere he heard his mother shout for a final time, and then the door bang closed.

Merlin looked up to see Arthur looking down at him, face open, vulnerable and uncertain.

Merlin never broke eye contact as he lowered himself down and took Arthur in his mouth.

“Oh my god,” Arthur groaned, head falling back onto the pillow.

Merlin initially braced himself for some kind of taste, though he wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but there wasn’t one. He licked around experimentally, eliciting another moan from Arthur, and lowered his head further, trying to take more in.

He raised himself slowly back up, and then lowered himself down again.

“Hey Merlin, your mum let me in before she left – OH MY GOD!!!!”

Merlin sat up faster than if he’d been jerked with a cattle prod and there, with her hand over her mouth, was Freya.

No.

NO!!!

“Freya,” he croaked, but the sound of her name seemed to spur her into action.

With a strangled sob she turned and ran out the room.

“Wait! WAIT!! Freya!”

He ran after her as fast as he could, tearing down the stairs two at a time. She stopped briefly to fumble at the front door, and he tried to grab her, but she was too fast for him.

She wrenched it open and ran out into the street.

”FREYA!!!”

She was running toward a little red car parked at the very end of the street.

“Shit!!” he cried, tearing his hair.

His mother had taken the car grocery shopping, but he absolutely could not let Freya out of his sight. What if she made it home, what if the first thing she did when she got there was ring her friend Sefa to tell her she’d just caught her boyfriend sucking the dick of another man?

He ran back as fast as he could in the opposite direction, praying he reached Arthur’s car before Freya reached hers.

“Arthur!!” he screamed as soon as he appeared on the front steps, “Give me your keys I need your car!”

“Merlin,” Arthur said soothingly, “look, it’s bad, but she’s your friend, she won’t tell –“

“No I can’t waste any time she won’t listen she’ll spread it around the school in revenge, I’m dead!”

“Revenge for what?” Arthur asked.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Will opening his own front door, drawn outside by all the noise, and of course, Will would be here to witness this.

“Cheating on her!” Merlin shouted, needing this resolved quickly, “Now give me your keys!”

Arthur screwed up his face in puzzlement.

“Cheating on –“

Merlin saw the exact moment on Arthur’s face when everything clicked into place.

“Cheating on her,” Arthur said furiously, and oh, Merlin’s heart broke to see the hurt in his eyes.

But Will was here, opening his mouth to ask what was going on, and Freya was driving, she was halfway down the street, and Merlin had to make a decision, he could not waste any more time.

I’m sorry, he said silently to Arthur, before he turned to Will.

“Will,” he said firmly, cutting him off, “I need your father’s car. Now.”

Will raised his eyebrows in surprise, but didn’t argue with the desperate look in Merlin’s face.

“Ok,” he said quietly, “I’ll get the keys.”

Behind him, Merlin heard Arthur open his door and climb into car.

Swaying, he screwed up his eyes and counted to ten as he took three deep breaths. He could not cry about it. He could not think about it right now.

He was not like Arthur. Arthur had a rich influential father with the power to ruin the lives of people who dared do more than ostracise him.

Merlin had no such advantage. Merlin was like Mordred. Straight to the hospital.

Will returned keys in hand and Merlin snatched them from him and tore down the street faster than he’d ever driven in his life. Freya had turned right, but she was long gone from that street by now.

Think Merlin.

She’d turned right. Which meant she’d come down Escetia Avenue. She had to be heading for the main road that intersected it at the end. Mercia road, with the world’s longest traffic lights. If he went up the back streets, he’d come onto Mercia further up, away from the lights, maybe in time to see which way she turned.

Decision made, he flattened the accelerator to the floor, screaming the car up the street, right, and left and right again, barely missing someone walking a dog as he spun the wheel so hard his body was actually thrown by the motion of the car.

He never slowed, pulling out onto Mercia and missing a speeding car by inches, ignoring the blaring of horns as he cut across lanes of traffic to pull right and –

There!

A little red car, turning left at the lights.

Merlin didn’t stop to check for traffic as he pulled the sharpest U-turn he’d ever made in his life and roared up the road, almost side-swiping a grey car as he overtook the one in front.

He did not slow until he was right behind Freya. He wanted to shout for her again but it was useless until she stopped her car, so he settled back into a normal speed and followed her.

She must have seen him in the rearview mirror because she tore out of her car as she soon as she parked it and bolted to her house.

“Freya! Freya, wait, just let me explain -!”

He chased after her but she got inside in time to slam the door in his face.

“FREYA!!” he screamed, pounding it as hard as he could. “FREYA LET ME IN!!”

He pounded and shouted for her until a burly man who could only be her father opened it and told him to stop harassing his daughter or he would call the police.

Momentarily defeated, Merlin backed away, pretending to walk toward the car until he saw in the reflection of the window that Mr. Donnelly had closed the door and then turned and raced up the garden path once more.

He jumped the side gate, landing like a cat in their backyard, aware that he was trespassing, but preferring to take his chances with the police than with Valiant.

He gathered up as many small stones as he could find and threw them one by one at every second floor window he could see, hissing Freya’s name.

He struck gold on the third window, when she opened it after the second stone and told him to piss off.

“Just listen to me!” he begged. “I know I fucked up, I’m not trying for your forgiveness I just want you to promise you won’t tell –“

She shut the window.

“No wait, Freya please! Please! They’ll kill me! You have no idea!”

How long he stood there shouting and throwing stones he had no idea. He was stopped only by the pull of strong hands wrapped around his upper arm that slowly began to drag him away.

“NO!” he cried, wriggling out of their grasp. “Freya!”

Distantly he registered someone shouting his name but he could not hear who it was through his own screams.

A pair of slender, yet surprisingly strong arms wrapped themselves around his chest and physically dragged him onto the street.

“Let go!” he demanded hysterically, “let go, let go, let go, let go –“

They did. And then they slapped him.

The pain exploded through his cheek, bringing everything to a sudden stop. The noise, the hysteria, it was gone. He registered himself, breathing hard standing beside his mother’s car in some unknown street.

And looking up he saw -

“Mum?!”

“Get in the car,” she said furiously, “We’ll talk about this when we get home.”

Merlin obeyed immediately. He didn’t think for a second not to. His mother was vibrating with anger and his cheek was still stinging from where she’d slapped him.

He sat in silence in the drive home, trembling with left-over adrenaline and fear.

All Freya had to do was tell Sefa. She didn’t even have to spread it maliciously throughout the school, she only to tell one other person and that was all it took. Sefa would tell her friend Elena, because who could hang on to a juicy secret like that all by themselves? Don’t tell anyone but...

His head was pounding, his whole body throbbing with tension. Spiky anxiety jabbed its cold claws into every inch of him, his mind playing out worst case scenarios over and over again.

The Thought was banging against his mind, demanding to be let in, his stomach churned in anticipation of vomiting again.

Merlin felt his skin as though it was glass, and it was fracturing, little splinters travelling quickly all over him.

He couldn’t hold himself together.

He was falling apart.

“Inside,” his mother seethed, as soon as they reached the house, and Merlin slowly dragged himself to sit at the kitchen table.

“What the hell happened today Merlin?!” she exploded as soon as he was seated. “I go out to buy groceries and I come home to find Will telling me that you’ve taken his father’s car and he doesn’t know where you are. And on top of that, I get a phone call from a man I’ve never spoken to in my life telling me that my son is harassing his daughter and I need to remove him from his property right now or it will become a police matter! What is going on??”

Merlin had no idea how to answer.

But his mother wasn’t going to let him leave until he did, so he opened his mouth to say something, anything, and choked.

He tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, but to his horror when he opened his mouth to do so a strangled noise came out of it.

He blinked as rapidly as he could, he tried breathing hard through his nose, but it was failing. He was crumbling. It was too much. It was all too much.

He looked up at his mother and like the bursting of dam, he flooded into tears.  

“Merlin!” she said, shocked, but now that he had started, he could not stop. He put his head into his hands and sobbed, in the hard, wracking, whole body way that he had not done since he was at least five years old.

He heard the sounds of his mother hurriedly running to the kettle to make a cup of tea.

She put a steaming mug on the table in front of him and rested a hand on his back, waiting patiently while he sobbed and gasped and gulped until at last he abated into sniffling and lifted his head to scrub at his face.

“Here,” she said, quickly handing him a tissue before he could use his arm.

“Now,” she continued in a gentle voice, “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Merlin’s back heaved as he dry sobbed again.

“Th-th-they’ll kill me,” he hiccupped out, tears leaking out the corner of his eyes, “they’ll kill me.”

“Who will?” his mother asked concerned.

Visions of Mordred cowering on the floor beside his locker were swimming before Merlin’s eyes. As if in answer to their call, Merlin felt a long hidden Thought slowly rise up from the bottom of him, where it had been buried long ago.

“Valiant and all them,” he whispered.

“Why?” his mother asked softly, and The Thought rose stronger through him than ever before, crunching against his shell, his years of denial.

“Because,” he said, wiping his nose with the tissue, “Because Freya caught me cheating on her.”

His mother’s forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“Why would they kill you for that?” she asked.

It was hammering against him, bit by bit, splintering his defences and Merlin knew that this time, he was powerless to stop it. At last, at long last, he gave in.

Merlin felt it split him open up the back, a chrysalis finally breaking apart.

“Because,” he whispered, so softly his mother had to lean forward to hear him. “Because it was with Arthur. Mum.....Mum, I’m gay.”

And with a final great, heaving breath it was over. Merlin felt the brittle pieces of his years of lies and denial fall away, leaving nothing but a ringing silence and a fresh rawness in their place.

He looked up.

“I think,” his mother said slowly, “That you had better start this story from the beginning.”

So he did.

He left nothing out, even going all the way back to that very first porn video with Will, when he had first realised he was more interested men than women. He told her about convincing himself it was a phase, he told her about trying to make himself look at girls at school, and he told her about how, hard as he’d struggled, he’d never been able to stop himself looking at other men. He told her about Arthur and Will and Vivian, and his accidental friendship with Arthur that had quickly blossomed into something more.  

And Freya. How he’d used her. How it didn’t work. How he’d tried to feel when he was...with her, the excitement he felt when he was with Arthur. But she did nothing for him.

He was gay.

“And,” he finished, fresh tears leaking down his face, “I wasn’t able to convince her not to tell anyone. So I’m dead on Monday at school. And I didn’t even get a chance to say sorry to Arthur.”

He dissolved into tears again, but this time, they were not for himself. He’d been so caught up in his predicament before, so blinded by his own anxiety and self-denial that he had never, until now, appreciated how selfishly he’d behaved, how much he had wronged both Arthur and Freya.

He’d used Freya, and he’d betrayed Arthur, and now neither was likely ever to speak to him again, and it hurt like a hammer to the heart.

His mother let out a long, deep breath, and then abruptly got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen.

Merlin panicked for a second – was she upset he was gay? – but she returned a few moments later with a bottle of scotch and two crystal glasses her friend Gaius had given her as an early wedding present, for the wedding to his father that had never eventuated.

“Well Merlin,” she said, sitting down next to him and plonking a glass in front of each of them. “There’s just no sugar coating it. You really fucked up.”

Merlin let out a surprised bark of laughter. He didn’t think he’d ever heard his mother swear in his entire life.

“But,” she continued, pouring them both some scotch. “We are going to fix it.”

“How?” he asked, but truthfully, he felt better already.

He had confessed everything, his sexuality and his appalling behaviour over the past few weeks and she was neither disappointed in him nor upset with him, but only supporting of him, as though nothing had changed, as though he was still her son, gay or not.

It meant more than he could say.

“We’ll start,” she said, taking a sip of her scotch, “by returning Mr Tully his car. And then we’ll see about convincing Mr and Mrs Donnelly that they should have a talk with Freya about not telling anybody what happened this afternoon.”

“Her parents? I don’t –“

“Merlin,” his mother said, suddenly stern, “I’m not taking any chances with your safety. We will take this all the way to the principle if need be, but I am not letting what happened to that other boy happen to you. Understood?”

Merlin nodded.

“Good. School needs a damned discrimination lawsuit against it, but that’s for another time. Now drink your scotch, you’re not getting another one till you’re eighteen.”

Merlin gave a small laugh, and took a sip.

“Blergh!” he said, as the burn hit his tongue, “this tastes terrible!”

“Mmm,” his mother said, downing the rest of hers without so much as a flinch, which Merlin found truly impressive, “Well, better than if you liked it I suppose.”

***

They got back into the car, and drove back to Freya’s house, where Merlin’s mother knocked on the door (Merlin standing embarrassedly behind her) and asked politely if she could come in, for she had something very important regarding their children that they needed to discuss.

Freya’s parents regarded the pair of them with hostility once inside, particularly Freya’s father to Merlin, but once his mother, in her most polite, soothing voice, reassured them that she was not here to excuse Merlin’s earlier behaviour in any way shape or form, they relaxed a little.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” Freya’s mother asked.

“Yes please,” Hunith said. They all began moving in the kitchen but Merlin couldn’t bear the (admittedly understandable) glares he kept getting from Mr Donnelly and quietly asked his mother if he could be excused while she spoke to them in private.

“Are you sure love?” she asked.

“I’m not...it feels weird, thinking about watching them talk about...everything, when I only just admitted it to myself.”

“I understand,” she said, “I’ll handle it.”

Thus, Merlin found himself sitting on Freya’s stairs, twisting his fingers, listening awkwardly to the snatches of discussion he could hear from her kitchen coming across her hall.

He heard the sound of feet coming down the stairs, and felt the heavy plonk as someone sat down, and turned around to see Freya sitting three stairs above him.

He turned back toward her front door and hung his head.

He didn’t know what to say.

They sat on the stairs together in silence, listening to the arguing of their parents until she suddenly interrupted with: “Are you bisexual? Or just....”

“No,” he answered heavily. It was still a raw thing, still new and vulnerable. It still felt strange admitting it. But he owed it to her. “No, I’m gay.”

“And....did you know that, the whole time?”

“I think so, deep down,” he answered honestly, “but I didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

“So, what, you just dated me to try and convince yourself you were straight?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

She snorted.

They were silent a few moments longer, and eventually she got up and left.

Merlin sat by himself, fiddling with his shoelaces trying not to listen to Freya’s parents deciding his fate.

Eventually the kitchen door opened and his mother strode out.

“Come on love,” she said gently, holding out a hand.

Merlin grasped it gratefully and they left.

“Well,” his mother said, as they walked down the street, “To the best of their knowledge, Freya hasn’t told anyone what happened, and they’ve agreed to discuss with her why she shouldn’t which is the most we can probably hope for.”

Merlin nodded mutely. It was the best case scenario, in this situation, and yet, the knowledge that if he was straight, there would never be call to ask his ex-girlfriend’s parents to interfere in their problems made him feel curiously exposed and vulnerable.

And although he knew he deserved it, he couldn’t get Freya’s anger out of his head.

“So you take Will’s car home and I’ll take ours,” his mother said.

“Yes Mum,” he said quietly.

His mother turned to look at him, and grabbed him so that he was facing her too.

“Hey,” she said, “I know this is shitty. But I promise you Merlin, it won’t always be like this. The world isn’t like Camelot High, you’ll get out of high school and you’ll find that most people won’t care; you’ll be able to be yourself without any fear. Until then, the right people will always accept you for who you are. And....”

She hesitated, and suddenly sounded as vulnerable as he felt.

“You know that I will always love you right? It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Oh Mum,” he cried, collapsing gratefully into her hug, “I was never scared to tell you.”

She laughed.

***

When Merlin awoke the next morning, the first thing he noticed was that his headache was gone.

Gone too were the feelings of anxiety, of tension, of walls and shells inside him. He had nothing to protect himself against anymore.  

“Morning,” his mother said when he came down the stairs, “How do you feel?”

“Better,” he answered honestly.

“Good,” she replied, “Because about your punishment...”

Merlin’s heart raced.

“I’ve decided there were extenuating circumstances.”

“Yesssss.”

“Just don’t do it again,” she said.

“I won’t,” he promised.

“In that case,” she said, “Leave your phone at home. We’re going out.”

She took him out for lunch at a fancy restaurant, though they couldn’t really afford it, to “celebrate” his coming out. They went to a movie afterward, during which, watching Chris Evans strut around shirtless onscreen, his mother had the unfortunate epiphany that she now needed to modify her safe sex talk.

“Nooooooo,” Merlin groaned, earning himself a kick in the back of the seat.

But watching the blonde man walk around the screen, Merlin was suddenly reminded with a pang of Arthur.

He knew it was hopeless, but a part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever speak to him again, if there was anything he could do to fix it. He missed him already. The thought that he might never be able to see him again, or worse, see him at school, at a distance, and unable to approach, was like a knife in his chest.

And he hadn’t even apologised. He’d been so caught up in his rescuing his own reputation that the last time he had seen him had been to break his heart and then callously ignore him. Was that going to be his final memory of him?

He owed Arthur so much, and all he’d given him in return was betrayal. Arthur had found out about Freya by being told he was the other man, Freya was the proper girlfriend.

When that wasn’t true at all. Looking back, Arthur was the real relationship. Arthur was the one he really cared about.

“Are you alright?” his mother asked on the drive home.

Merlin sighed.

“Do you think I can ever get Arthur to forgive me?” he asked.

His mother didn’t reply immediately.

“It might take a while,” she answered eventually, “but if he cared about you the way you care about him, it’s not impossible. You just have to try.”

“Thanks,” he replied, unconvinced.

He trudged slowly up the stairs to his bedroom when they got home, dreading what awaited him.

It was time to face his phone.

Lying down on his bed, he took a deep breath and activated the screen.

Three messages from Will. No messages from Arthur.

Screwing up his courage, he selected Will’s name and read the messages.

Mate, where’s my Dad’s car, he’s flipping.

You ever gonna tell me what’s going on? Where did you take the car? What the hell was Arthur Pendragon doing at your house?

Mate, come on. What the fuck.

He felt a flutter of nerves in his belly. More than anyone except perhaps Valiant, Merlin had dreaded what Will would say if he ever found out he was gay.

He contemplated lying to Will, but found the idea repugnant. For the first time, Merlin understood why Arthur had wanted to come out to everyone else after telling his family. Now that Merlin had come out to himself, lying to anybody else felt like going back into the closet, and that was not a place he ever wanted to be again. He was done with the anxiety.

Decision made, he texted Gwen.

What are you doing, wanna come to Will’s house?

Why? She replied a few moments later.

Have something important I need to tell you guys.

Merlin’s pounding heart stretched the few seconds delay into a few years.

Alright, be there in an hour.

Merlin made his way downstairs to wait out the hour. He flipped on the television and tried to distract himself with it, but he couldn’t stop fidgeting. The nerves were as bad as any exam he’d ever taken.

Finally, he heard Gwen’s car pull up, and raced outside with a hurried goodbye to his mother, letting her know he was going to Will’s.

“Gwen!” he said, and unable to stop himself, he grabbed her in a hug.

“What was that for?” she asked laughing when he let her go.

“Just, um...” he ran his hands through his hair, “Just a bit nervous. Shall we go in?”

They made their way together to the front door, and Merlin knocked, feeling like every knock was pounding directly on his heart.

The door flew open and Will stood there, looking angrier than Merlin had seen him since the time he’d borrowed his bike when they were nine and crashed it into the creek.

“Merlin! What the hell?”

“Er...” Merlin said nervously, addressing both Will’s angry look and Gwen’s confused one. “Shall we talk inside?”

Will led them into his sitting room.

Gwen sat down flicking curious glances between Will and Merlin. Merlin paced nervously for a few moments before hesitantly taking seat opposite Will.

“Firstly,” he said, “I’m sorry for taking your Dad’s car and not returning it until late last night.”

“You fucking better be!” Will exploded. “He grounded me for a fortnight for lending it out without asking him! The only reason it’s not a month is cause it was you! What the fuck were you doing last night?”

“Well,” Merlin said, twisting his fingers in his lap, “That’s what I brought you both here to tell you. It’s kind of important.”

“Yeah, by the way Gwen,” Will said, interrupting Merlin and turning to her, “Yesterday right, I hear all this noise in the street and I go outside and he’s having a row with Arthur Pendragon, cause if you’re gonna have a street fight, why not have it with some random you haven’t spoken to since he humiliated your best mate? Then he asks me for my Dad’s car and fucks off completely. Then comes back at like, midnight and just leaves the car outside my place. Doesn’t even come in to say “oh here, I returned your car.” Then I get grounded for like, a year.”

“You just said it was two weeks,” Merlin pointed out.

“For like a year,” Will repeated irritably.

“Right,” Merlin said, feeling increasingly nervous because both Will and Gwen were giving him “Well?” looks now. “Well, I guess I gotta just tell you this story.”

He took a deep breath.

“I took your Dad’s car to Freya’s house cause I needed to talk to her before she told everyone what happened yesterday afternoon. That’s where I went. And it took ages to sort out, which is why it was late getting back.”

“Well that clears that up,” Will said sarcastically, “I’m so glad you dragged Gwen over to hear this riveting tale. I suppose I only have to wait another day without contact from you to find out what the hell happened that she’s not allowed to speak about.”

“She caught me cheating on her,” Merlin said softly.

Will and Gwen swivelled to face him so fast it was like they were watching a tennis match.

“What?!” Gwen said.

But Merlin raised his eyes to Will’s, and he knew, by the calculating look in his face, that he was adding up everything he’d seen, and he knew exactly what Merlin had been caught doing.

“No,” Will said.

Merlin didn’t say anything.

“No way! You’re not like that! No!” Will sprung up out of the chair and paced toward the door, before abruptly spinning around and stalking back.

“With him?” he asked furiously.

“I –“

“I hate that guy!” Will exploded. “He’s a dick Merlin, he humiliated me in front of everyone! You fucking agreed with me about that.”

“Wait,” Gwen said slowly, “What’s...?”

“I...” Merlin drew a breath for strength. “I’m gay.”

There was a shocked silence.

“You are not,” Will said finally.

“Yes I am,” Merlin said quietly.

“No you’re not! We talk about girls all the time!”

“I was lying,” Merlin admitted, tears in his eyes. “I didn’t want to admit I didn’t feel anything for those girls.”

Will looked shocked. “And then what, one day you just decide to start fucking Arthur Pendragon? When the fuck did that happen?”

“Will,” Gwen snapped, “leave him alone.”

Will snorted in derision, and then abruptly turned and left the room, pounding heavily up the stairs and slamming the door to his bedroom shut.

Merlin and Gwen listened to him in silence, Merlin gripping the armrests of his chair until his knuckles turned white.

“Are you really gay Merlin?” Gwen asked quietly when Will could no longer be heard.

Merlin nodded.

She let out a low whistle.

“Sorry, it’s just....it’s kind of out of nowhere. You really didn’t seem like it.”

“I know,” Merlin said, “Well, not really just....I think I’ve known, deep down for ages. But I pretended for a really long time.”

“Well in that case,” Gwen said, walking over to him, lifting him clear out of his seat and giving him a fierce hug, “congratulations on not pretending anymore.”

“Thanks,” Merlin said with a startled laugh.

“Hey you know what this means?” Gwen said. “It always used to be you and Will talking about girls and ganging up on me. But now it can be me and you talking about boys and ganging up on Will!”

He gave a hollow laugh, but the thought of Will and his reaction was too sore for Merlin to take any joy in an unlikely future where everything was just as it was before between the three of them, except that now Merlin was out.

“Hey,” Gwen said gently, seeing Merlin’s face, “He’ll get over it. He will. You two have known each other since you were in the womb. It was just a bit of a shock, and the fact that it was Arthur Pendragon.”

“Yeah,” Merlin replied, “I suppose.”

“How did you start hooking up with Arthur?”

So Merlin told her the story, right from the beginning.

“Wow,” she said when he had finished. “And did you...what did you do with him?”

“Gwen.”

“I just want to know what it’s like!”

“Jesus Gwen!”

They dissolved into giggles.

“Come on, tell me,” she said.

Merlin sighed.

“It was good,” he said heavily, remembering just how good it had all been. “It was really good.”

“Maybe call him?” Gwen suggested, seeing the misery in his face.

“Yeah I suppose,” Merlin said. He didn’t think Arthur would answer.

Merlin and Gwen hung around in Will’s sitting room for another hour, comparing celebrity crushes – Gwen apparently had years’ worth of pent up lust she’d never been able to share with anyone, and Merlin of course had never been able to admit until now that Robert Downey Jr was at least 80% of why he liked Iron Man (really, the movies were rubbish) – until it finally became clear that Will wasn’t going to come down anytime soon, and they conceded defeat and let themselves out.

Merlin said goodbye to Gwen and returned inside, to take her advice and try calling Arthur.

No answer.

He sighed in despair, but resigned himself to trying again, and again. He tried calling him with his phone on private and off, texting him apologies and pleas to answer his phone, but there was nothing.

He picked the phone up one last time, and then abruptly dropped it.

He wasn’t going to get anywhere harassing Arthur.

He needed to rethink.

He slowly put his phone on the table.

His mother always said never to leave important conversations to text or facebook.  Arthur wasn’t going to respond to Merlin’s calling him over and over again. He needed a method of communication that showed how serious he was about him. That Arthur had not been just another of Merlin’s mistakes.

He walked downstairs, praying his mother hadn’t actually taken any of his advice over the years and stopped living in the 20^th century.

“Mum,” he asked, “Do we have any letter paper?”

His mother beamed in surprise.

“I’ll just go fetch it,” she said, running to the hall cupboard.

“Better make it a lot,” he said.

He sat at the kitchen table, writing draft after draft. He was surrounded by piles of screwed up paper and his mother had long since gone to bed by the time he was done. Finally, he examined the finished result:

Dear Arthur,

I want to start by saying I’m sorry, for hurting you as badly as I did. You have no reason to believe me when I say that out of everything that’s happened, this is what I regret the most, but it is true.

I’m sorry for dating Freya while I was with you. The truth of the matter is, I only did so – I only ever did so – because I was lying to myself. I thought, if I dated a woman, it would make me straight.

But I am not.

And I never cared for her the way I did for you. I know it may seem as though I was experimenting with you, or using you to discover my sexuality, but you were so much more than that to me.

You really meant a lot to me. You showed me how to be yourself and proud of it, even in the face of the most vicious hatred, and for that I have to thank you, because I’ll take it away with me forever, even if I never get to see you again.

Arthur, I know who I am now, and its partly because of you, and I know I don’t deserve a second chance with you, but I’m not in the place that I was before.

Please give me a chance.

Yours Sincerely

Merlin

He drove the letter to Arthur’s mailbox and dropped it in, lingering foolishly outside it for several moments, looking longingly up at Arthur’s window, praying that he would see him and come outside.

But he didn’t.

Merlin gave up and drove home.

***

The first thing Merlin did when he awoke was to check his phone. No messages from either Arthur or Will.

Heart sinking, he made his way to school where he discovered that the price of the journey of self-discovery over the past few weeks was to fall behind Gwen in History too.

“Don’t worry,” she said consolingly, “I’m sure next year you’ll be dux of everything and that’s our final year, so that’s when it counts anyway.”

“Yeah,” Merlin said, morosely looking at Will’s empty seat beside him.

“He’ll come round Merlin,” Gwen said, “He will.”

He saw Arthur in gym but though Merlin tried as hard as he could to capture his gaze, Arthur resolutely ignored him.

He went home that day wondering if coming out meant that he just swapped anxiety for depression.

***

On the second day, Merlin noticed that though neither Arthur nor Will were speaking to him, a lot of the other boys in their year suddenly were.

“Hey Merlin,” said a round faced youth from the football team in the corridor that he was sure he’d never spoken to before.  

“Did you need a pen Merlin?” someone else asked him as he scrimmaged through his pencil case in class.

He was greeted by nods and smiles from at least a dozen different boys on his way over to his usual table at lunch.

What was going on? Had word got out about him? They’d be beating him not smiling at him surely.

“Do you have any idea what’s happening?” he asked Gwen as soon as he’d sat down.

“Oh, yeah,” Gwen said angrily, “Freya told everyone you cheated on her.”

“What?!”

“Don’t worry, she didn’t say with whom. So everyone assumed it was with another girl of course. So now they all think you’re a bit of a legend, scholarship kid who managed to pull two girls on the go at once.”

Merlin’s jaw dropped.

He looked round and sure enough, there was Ewan, nodding at him though he’d never even deigned to look at him before.

“I can’t believeit,” he said dazedly.

“I know,” Gwen said, “They’re all pigs.”

Merlin suddenly started laughing.

“What?” she said.

“It’s just ironic,” he said, “I finally admit I’m gay and suddenly everyone thinks I’m a ladies’ man.”

They looked at each other and burst into giggles. From somewhere nearby, somebody wolf-whistled at them.

“Oh for – let’s go somewhere else,” Gwen sighed.

They picked up their food and made their way outside. They walked over to the beech tree on the oval, but at that moment, Valiant and some of his mates walked past.

“Hey Merlin,” he said to him.

And all of a sudden, rage exploded through Merlin like he had never known before.

This man would beat him to within an inch of his life just for preferring men to women, but he thought he had strung along two girls at once and that made him a champion?

“Hi Valiant,” he said, cold courage making him reckless. “Fuck off.”

Valiant stopped.

“What?” he asked.

“Well I just want to let it be known,” Merlin said pleasantly, “That I have no interest in ever speaking to you again. So I’m just nipping this in the bud right now. Fuck off.”

“What the fuck,” Valiant said, stalking closer, “is your problem? You sick little faggot.”

Merlin knew that Valiant was just throwing it out as a general insult, that if he really knew the truth Merlin would already be curled up on the ground.

But a thrill of fear ran through him, awakening the childish urge to have the last word in, to make sure Valiant did not know that he’d affected him, and before his brain had thought of a retort, his mouth was saying:  “Takes one to know one.”

Valiant stopped, for half a second, just half a second. His leer faltered, his face flushed ever so briefly. And suddenly, in that half a second, everything became clear to Merlin, and he knew that he had him.

“Better leave it before your mates start to wonder why you’re over-reacting to that,” Merlin said, so that only Valiant could hear, “You don’t want them thinking there’s any truth to it do you?”

Valiant’s eyes narrowed, but Merlin had enough experience with the process himself to recognise his brain already beginning to work, and to worry.

And with that, Merlin walked away.

“Merlin!” Gwen said as soon as they were seated, “After everything you’ve done to make sure he doesn’t find out, you’re going to risk –“

“He doesn’t know I’m gay,” Merlin said confidently. “But now he knows that I know he is. So he won’t touch me. At least not while everyone thinks I’m straight.”

Gwen’s mouth dropped open.

“He is?” she asked.

“Well, I have nothing but my own experience in the closet to go on of course,” Merlin said, “But I’m pretty sure I recognise the signs.”

Gwen gaped in shock for a full thirty seconds.

“Wow,” she said finally.

And then...

“Is everyone at this school gay?”

Merlin looked at her and laughed.

***

That evening, he was interrupted in his dinner by a knock at the door.

“At last,” Merlin’s mother said.

“Mum,” Merlin said, “You don’t know who it is.”

His mother merely smiled at him fondly.  “Of course we know who it is. Now go get the door love.”

He pushed away his dinner, and opened the front door.

It was Will.

“Er....” he said sheepishly, shuffling from foot to foot. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Merlin said immediately.

He led him up to his room and sat down on the bed.

Will remained standing, looking at his shoes.

“Look,” he said, “I know I’ve been a real prick to you. And I wanted to say....wanted to say I’m sorry. It was just...it was just a bit of a shock. Cause like...I know it shouldn’t change anything between us, and I guess it doesn’t. You’re still my best mate. You’re always going to be my best mate. Hell, you’re kind of stuck with the job, since we both know no one else will put up with me. But just suddenly, everything I thought I knew about you, it was wrong you know? All this time, you weren’t who you said you were. And there’s nothing wrong with who you actually are, but it’s just...it’s just different, and I guess that needing to come to terms with that turned me into a massive twat. So I’m sorry.”

Will looked up.

A small part of Merlin wanted to tell Will that reactions like his were exactly the reason he’d tried to convince himself he was straight for so long.

But he squashed it quickly.

It was as Will said. They’d always been best mates. They would always be best mates. And Merlin had missed him.

“That’s alright,” he said softly.

There was an awkward pause.

“Just...” Will said. “I gotta know...how long? How long have you known?”

Merlin let out a long breath.

“Do you remember, that time you found your Dad’s porn under his bed and you brought me over to watch it?”

“Yeah?”

“Then,” Merlin said.

Will stared at him.

“Merlin, that was ages ago,” he said, and for the first time, there was something like pity, or understanding in his voice.

“Yeah,” Merlin said, feeling like an idiot, “I know.”

Will sat down beside him.

“So all this time...?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“I know.”

“You must have been a total wreck all the time.”

Merlin let out a bark of laughter.

“Yeah I was,” he said. “It was doing my head in.”

Will squirmed uncomfortably.

“Sorry if like...if me talking about girls and stuff made it worse.”

“It’s alright,” Merlin said. “You can still talk to me about that stuff, I don’t mind.”

“Yeah,” Will said, “And you can, you know, talk about boys and stuff to me.”

Merlin grinned.  “Do you really want me to do that?”

“Maybe,” Will said, “At the very least, you gotta clear some stuff up for me, cause I been looking this shit up and I just don’t understand.”

“Oh no,” Merlin said, putting his head in his hands.

“I mean, do gay guys really put their tongue in each other’s arses? Why the heck does that even feel good? And like, I dunno if you have, but when you do anal, right, does –“

“Wiiiiiillll,” Merlin groaned, “I haven’t done anal!”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“Why not?”

“Oh my god,” Merlin groaned.

“I thought you guys loved that shit.”

“Please stop talking,” Merlin said.

But for someone who took two days to come to terms with Merlin’s sexuality, he suddenly had an awful lot of questions about it.

How gay was Merlin? Like, if he was dating a guy who wanted a threesome with a woman would he do it? What was the deal with guys in drag, weren’t gay guys supposed to like men not women? How come some people started talking in those camp voices when they came out? Was Merlin going to do that?

And what about Arthur?

Merlin hesitated over that one.

“I know you guys didn’t get off to the best start,” he said, “But apart from being a bit smug sometimes, he’s a really decent guy.”

“Ok,” Will said, in the tone of voice Merlin recognised as the one he used when he didn’t agree, but no longer wanted to argue.  Merlin took the hint, but couldn’t stop the slight well of sorrow rising in him at the memory of Arthur, and the fact that he was now likely to just be that – a memory. He started picking at a loose thread on his bedcover so he didn’t have to look at Will.

“You weren’t just messing around with him were you?” Will asked softly, watching his hands work.

“No,” Merlin admitted. “I liked him.”

“What about now, what’s going on now?”

“He doesn’t want to speak to me anymore,” he said in a small voice.

“Cause of Freya?”

Merlin nodded.

“What have you done about it?” Will asked.

“Done about it?”

“Yeah. To try and win him back.”

“Um,” Merlin said. “You know, just tried calling him and writing him a letter and stuff.”

Will made a face.

“What?” Merlin demanded.

“That’s it?” Will asked.

“What else can I do?” Merlin asked, exasperated.

“Make a display,” Will said, “Force him to talk to you. Show him you’ll do anything to get him back. Put yourself out there.”

“Great,” Merlin said, “And how do I do that?”

“Ah,” Will said, “That’s where you’re at an advantage my friend. Cause fortunately for you, you live next door to the best fuckin’ classical guitarist in England.”

***

“Are you sure you wanna use this song?” Will asked, plonking his amplifier down on Arthur’s lawn and plugging his guitar into it.

“Yes,” Merlin said.

“This song Merlin?”

“You’re the one who told me to put myself out there,” Merlin said.

“Yeah, but there’s putting yourself out there and there’s making an idiot of yourself. You don’t wanna be on the wrong side of that line.”

“Nah,” Merlin said confidently, “I think he kinda likes it when I make an idiot of myself.”

Will sighed, and began fiddling with the strings on his guitar.

“Well,” he said resignedly, “Ready when you are.”

Merlin grabbed a stick and threw it up at Arthur’s window to let him know he was there. Then he turned to Will, nodded at him to begin, and opened his mouth to sing.

“Dreams last for so long,”

He saw Will shake his head beside him, but he kept playing so Merlin kept singing.

“Even after you’re gone. I know that you love me, and soon you will see. You were meant for me. And I was meant for you.”

Merlin finished and took a deep breath, waiting to see if he’d need to keep going. Truthfully, he didn’t know too many more lyrics than that.

But there was nothing from Arthur’s window.  Will was looking at him anxiously, but Merlin was determined not to give up.

“We’ll go again,” he said, “One, two –“

Suddenly, the window opened, and Arthur’s head popped out.

“Jewel?!” he thundered down, “Really Merlin? Really???”

“Told you,” Will muttered, but Merlin’s face was splitting into a wide grin.

“Get out your phone Merlin,” Arthur instructed, resting his elbows on the windowsill.

Merlin did so, grinning like an idiot.

“Now look me up,” Arthur continued.

Will shuffled in confusion but Merlin just continued to do as Arthur said.

“What does it say?” Arthur asked, when Merlin indicated he had him up onscreen.

“Arthur Pendragon,” Merlin said, just to be contrary.

“Read the whole thing Merlin.”

“Arthur, Don’tbeanidiotMerlin, Pendragon,” Merlin obeyed.

“Right,” Arthur said. “So don’t be an idiot Merlin!” and with that he slammed the window shut.

“Don’t think it worked mate,” Will said, looking terrified, but Merlin just waited, humming to himself, until a few seconds later, the front door was slamming open against the walls and Arthur was striding across his lawn.

“Honestly,” Arthur said, “What do I have to do before you listen to me?”

And with that, he grabbed Merlin by the arm, spun him around and kissed him more fiercely than Merlin had ever been kissed in his life.

It went on and on, Merlin giving as good as he got, feeling like fireworks of happiness were exploding in his chest until an awkward “hem hem” from Will brought them back to their senses and they broke apart.

“Sorry,” Merlin said to Will.

“Never mind,” Will said. “It’s er....good that, er, you guys are, um, alright I guess. I mean, if you are that is.”

Merlin turned to Arthur.

“Did you get my letter?” he asked.

“Yes I got your letter,” Arthur replied, rolling his eyes but the soft tone of his voice betrayed him.

“I meant it,” Merlin said. “I may have called Freya my girlfriend but it was you I was dating all along. She was just...a lie I was telling myself. But I’m totally fine with who I really am now.”

“He really is,” Will put in helpfully, “He taught me about rimming tonight and everything.”

Merlin closed his eyes in mortification.

Arthur squeezed his lips together hard in what might have been an effort not to laugh.

“No more lies,” Merlin continued. “Just you and me, openly. Please?”

Arthur looked down at the ground.

Merlin waited with his heart in his mouth.

Finally, he felt the tips of Arthur’s fingers against his own, softly at first, and then more firmly, as they traced all the way down to Merlin’s knuckles and then threaded Arthur’s hands into his own.

“You and me,” Arthur repeated. “Together.”

Merlin broke into a grin.

Arthur smiled back.

They leaned forward –

“Oi,” Will coughed.

“Oh right,” Merlin said, “Er....thanks for your help tonight Will.”

“No worries,” Will said.

Will picked up his guitar, looking at Merlin expectantly. Merlin just stared right back.

“Right, well, obviously that’s my cue to fuck off,” Will sighed, “I guess I’ll just pack my shit up by myself.”

“Thanks Will,” Merlin said cheerfully.

“Yes, um, thanks,” Arthur said awkwardly. He made a jerking motion as though he was going to hold his hand out for Will to shake, but Merlin grabbed his arm before he could make an idiot of himself.

“No worries,” Will repeated, slamming the boot shut. “Bye!”

Merlin waited until he had driven off to turn to Arthur with a suggestive smile.

“So,” he said, “Never did get to finish what I started on Saturday.”

Arthur grinned back.

“You would be so lucky Merlin,” he said, giving his hand a squeeze.

“What are you saying, that you’re just that amazing I should be grateful for any opportunity to go down on you?” Merlin said happily.

“Hey,” Arthur said, “My results speak for themselves.”

Merlin laughed.

Together they walked hand in hand, bickering fondly, back inside the house.

Finis