Work Text:
1:34 a.m.
the ham fam chat
fluffayette: who has heard of the multiverse theory
heracles: me
hairgelica: i feel like engaging this conversation is a mistake
xande: YOU MIGHT AS WELL YOU AINT ENGAGED TO ANYONE ELSE BITHC
hairgelica: wow. the first thing u say is dragging me. how dARe you
elizard: alex that was a mistake
xande: YOU’RE a mistake
johnald: i’ve heard of it laf why
fluffayette: thank u john. also why is your username johnald
fluffayette: IS YOUR NAME ACTUALLY JOHNALD
fluffayette: WTF THE FUCK
heracles: why do you ask laf
hairgelica: are we ignoring alex dragging me
xande: everyone was thinking it angie
elizard: angel i love you but let it go. just.
elizard: i wanna know where laf is going with this
pegleg: JUST GOT HERE WHAT’D I MISS
fluffayette: i was asking about the multiverse theory
fluffayette: someone mentioned it at work and i didn’t know what they were talking about but i didn’t want to ask because everyone else seemed to understand
heracles: aw babe :’( you poor thing
fluffayette: <3 <3
xande: OMFG I LOVE THE MULTIVERSE THEORY
xande: GUYS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
elizard: you only love it because it’s an excuse for you to do anything
xande: um,, excuse me,, that is not true at all
hairgelica: yes it is
pegleg: “alex why are you boiling four pots of water at the same time uncovered”
pegleg: “in a universe somewhere this is a normal thing. i just want to feel Connected to the other universes in which this is a daily routine”
xande: Show Me Less Of This
pegleg: true story
heracles: ok laf
heracles: the multiverse theory is basically like
heracles: the theory that there are infinite universes. if you can think it, a universe exists where that’s the norm. the amount of universes there are is endless, e.g., there’s a universe where trees grow upside down and everything is pink and there are 50 more colors than we see now and hamilton isn’t obnoxious as fuck
xande: HEY
hairgelica: i support this message
xande: FUCK OYOU
hairgelica: alex! your boyfriend is in this chat
hairgelica: ( ;;;;;;;) call me)
johnald: u are NOT gonna hit that
fluffayette: omg
fluffayette: so you’re saying anything at all can happen
heracles: mhm
pegleg: so like in a universe you could bang herc, john AND alex and it would be awesome
hairgelica: you’re underage peg
pegleg: at least im getting laid
hairgelica: no you’re not
johnald: she just watches a lot of porn
elizard: WHAT EH UFCK PEGGY
pegleg: NO I DONT I WAS KIDDIGN WHAT HE UFCK JOHGN
xande: he was projecting
johnald: projectile vomiting maybe
fluffayette: CAN WE GETY BAC K TO THE MULTIVERSE THING
fluffayette: this is a lot to take in
fluffayette: do you guys have a favorite universe
heracles: excuse me
fluffayette: like one that you always wish was your universe
hairgelica: PICKMEPICKMEPICKMEPICKME
hairgelica: [ hermioneraisinghand.gif]
hairgelica: WANNA KNOW MY FAVORITE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE
fluffayette: yes
hairgelica: alex doesnt exist
xande: bitch
xande: at least im getting laid. and im not joking unlike peggles
pegleg: call me peggles one more time
xande: peggles
pegleg: someone beat him up im not with him rn
johnald: my favorite universe is the one where my dad loves me and i have no crippling self-esteem issues
johnald: and geese are nice
johnald: and people give out turtles for free, just on the streets, and u dont have to feed them or anything they just exist n keep you company
heracles: wow
johnald: but this one’s alright i guess
xande: but are we still together in this universe
johnald: yes obviously
xande: ok ill allow it
elizard: you’re not a judge you cant say that
hairgelica: only i can say that
pegleg: you’re not a judge
hairgelica: say that again young missus see where it gets ya
pegleg: withdrawn
hairgelica: thank you
fluffayette: anyone else awnna share
xande: me i do
hairgelica: *shoving breadsticks in purse* i have to go, right now, immediately ,
hairgelica: [ usainboltrunning.png]
johnald: alex please dont get into it
xande: picture a cool autumn day. not too cold, but not too hot, and the grass feels like a pillow
xande: me and john are happily married and we live in a huge ass mansion somewhere in the upper east side of manhattan bc goddamn i miss manhattan
xande: the US capital is moved back to new york and i am the president’s closest aide and worker. we are bros
xande: the president is gwash naturally. but he doesnt get tired of his job he loves it and him and martha dont change at all because they are in love and perfect
heracles: stop
xande: all our neighbors attend to our every need. we don’t have servants because slavery is disgusting. john works for a huge organization to protest movements that need protesting, but he does it on the side, because things like homophobia and sexism and racism and transphobia and all that jazz dont exist anymore
xande: instead he advocates for awesome things like how everyone should get a dog and that we are working on a cure for dog allergies and it’s only a matter of time
johnald: we’re not getting a dog alex
xande: LET ME FINISH
xande: the poor people have been giving money to live off of until they have proper jobs. immigration is legal. somehow the population of earth has been reduced to only 5 billion and overpopulation is no longer a problem
xande: donald trump has been thrown in asshole jail, which exists, for being an asshole
hairgelica: you should go to asshole jail
xande: fucking shut up
xande: laf and herc are also happily married and they live across the street from us. they have a dog but it doesnt matter bc john and i have five dogs just like robin scherbatsky before ted cruelly decided to get rid of them
heracles: hey dont hate on ted
fluffayette: no please hate on ted that show’s ending was the worst
xande: CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS I AM TALKING
pegleg: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR UNIVERSE
johnald: waitwait i care keep going alex
xande: THANK OYU DARLING
xande: as i was saying
xande: john’s dad is not an asshole and we visit him once a month. my dad doesn’t exist in this universe
xande: i was chosen to be a test subject for a serum that allows me to stay up for seven days without eating, sleeping, or going to the bathroom. all i need to survive is water. i get maximum work done
xande: gwash is proud of me and tells me im awesome and that im just like his and martha’s son, which i pretend to hate but actually love
heracles: that actually happens
xande: HERC
xande: just.,,,,,,,,,,,,
xande: okay??????/
heracles: ARE YOU ALMOST DONE EESJESU SCHRIST
xande: YES GOD IM ALMOST FINISHED
xande: visits to outer space are a regular thing and john and i own a vehicle which allows us to take leisurely trips to the moon. we take the whole gang including jefferson and madison and we leave jefferson there and madison stays w him even though madison isnt so bad but whatever we have to do
hairgelica: why dont you just put jefferson in asshole jail
xande: and make trump suffer by spending time with him?? i dont think so
xande: angel is happily married to an awesome guy who’s not as awesome as me but close bc few ppl are worthy of angelica schuyler. they have two kids that they adopted because angel likes to save adopted kids
xande: liza isn’t married. instead she is traveling the world and she’s being super badass
xande: peggy realizes boys are idiots — true story — and instead marries maria reynolds because whate the fuck peggy make a move already we all know you’re in love
xande: and i wake up every morning in the same bed as the man i love more than anything and anyone in the entire world, happy that i got lucky enough to marry a guy like john laurens
xande: there. im done ok
johnald: what the fuck alexander fucking hamilton i love you so much please will you marry me
hairgelica: holyshit
xande: YES
xande: OF COURSE IW WILL MARRY YOU TYOU GODDAMN FUCKGIN TWAT ASSHOLE FACE
elizard: THIS IS SO GOOD AND PURE
elizard: iloveeveryoneinthisbar.gif
fluffayette: that sounds like an amazing universe alex pls can we live in it
elizard: you gave everyone a happy ending omfg
elizard: except jefferson and madison
xande: look i didnt want mads to suffer but hes gotta take one for the team you know??
heracles: wait what about aaron
xande: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK HIS NAME
hairgelica: wait alex thank u for letting me marry someone awesome and adopt kids how did u know my exact wishes for my future
xande: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,because you told,, me,,,,,,,,, them
hairgelica: o shit tru
pegleg: vcan you fUCK OFF i am nOT IN LOVE WITH MARIA REYNOLDS OKAY
fluffayette: okay………..that sounds fake but okay,...............
heracles: LAF JUST MEMED CORRECTLY
fluffayette: YES
xande has added thegoodreynolds to the chat
xande: maria
xande: peggy wants to know if you’ll go out with her tomorrow night on a date
pegleg: WHAHT EH ACTUAL FUCK ALEXANDER FUCKIGN HAMILTON
thegoodreynolds: hell yeah i will what is this chat
xande: idk why everyone thinks my middle name is fucking
pegleg: wait………………………………………
pegleg: maria
pegleg: will you actually seriously go out with me
thegoodreynolds: dude yes i was hoping you would ask
xande: see life is good for everyone
hairgelica: im mad that you took my job as matchmaker but because it’s peggy and maria ill allow it
heracles: btw maria we’re discussing the multiverse theory
elizard: MARIA MY GIRL
elizard: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU I HAVENT TALKED TO YOU IN FOREVER
thegoodreynolds: GREAT OMG IS THAT LIZA SCHUYLER????????HOW ARE AYOU BABE WE HAVENT SPOKEN IN AGES WE SHOULD HANG OUT
pegleg: back the fuck off eliza
elizard: omg peggy we’re friends
thegoodreynolds: sidebar: hi herc, hi alex
hairgelica: NO HELLO FOR ANGELICA??
thegoodreynolds: angie!!!!!! what the fuck is this chat
thegoodreynolds: why wasnt i in it before jesus
thegoodreynolds: it’s full of my favorite people
fluffayette: hey maria
thegoodreynolds: what up laf
thegoodreynolds: guys i love the multiverse theory
xande: this is why i hit that for six months
pegleg: shut the fuck shit up alexander fucking hamilton
fluffayette: well
fluffayette: idk about you all but this universe is my favorite universe
fluffayette: it’s shit
fluffayette: it’s problematic as FUCK but however,,,
fluffayette: i have a group of friends like u guys so i cant really complain
fluffayette: and plus im dating the hottest and sweetest guy ive ever laid eyes on, even including myself
fluffayette: i love yall
hairgelica: *wipes tears* that was beautiful
elizard: laf we adore you
thegoodreynolds: i jsut got here but love u too laf
xande: awwwwwwww laf loves herc more than himself thats amazing
heracles: babe i love you too more than anyone else
thegoodreynolds: THIS IS DISGUSTINGLY CUTE
pegleg: laf will u marry me in a friend way tho
pegleg: only cuz im underage tho
fluffayette: sure
heracles: woah harsh rejection
fluffayette: you’re still my number 1 babe
elizard: i just have like one more lil tiny thing to add
elizard: why the fuck is literally everyone awake it’s 2am
hairgelica: friendship
xande: ill allow it
hairgelica: fucc you alexander hamilton
xande: :D
johnald: laf i love you too but also speaking of 2am im fucking exhausted alex come to bed so i can sleep already
hairgelica: are you guys not in the same room
xande: no im in the living room and ive been writing a 25-page essay for the past hour
xande: john is in bed and has been periodically calling out “COME TO SLEEP ALREADY” for the past hour
johnald: IM REALLY TIRED OKAY
fluffayette: lets just sleep guys
fluffayette: thanks for explaingin the multiverse theory tho
hairgelica: gniGHT EVERYONE
elizard: SPONTANEOUS QUESTION PEGGY WILL YOU HAVE A SLEEPOVER WITH ME
pegleg: SPONTANEOUS ANSWER IT’S 2AM BUT HELLS YEAH I WILL LET ME GET A CAB
hairgelica: *sobs* why cant i be in DC
xande: because you suck
hairgelica: dick
hairgelica: specifically your boyfriend’s
xande: not true tho his dick is big enough it would reach to nyc
johnald: IM NOT COMFORTABLW WIT HTHIS CONVERSATION
xande: john i have like two pages left ill be to bed in five minutes
thegoodreynolds: you intend to finish writing two pages in five minutes
heracles: with all due respect maria
heracles: but have you met alex
fluffayette: once he typed an entire essay while holding a conversation with me and he never once looked at his screen
fluffayette: it was amazing. he was looking at me and talking to me and nodding along but his fingers were flying over the keyboard
heracles: I REMEMBER THAT
heracles: we checked afterwards and there were only like 4 fucking mistakes
heracles: unbelievable
xande: you’re flattering guys
xande: john i finished my paper
xande: im going to bed now night guys
thegoodreynolds: peggy what time should i pick you up
pegleg: holyshit. uhhmmhmmhmmhhmhm,,,,,,, probably like 6 is fine
thegoodreynolds: awesome super excited see you then im going to sleep
pegleg: LIZA IM HERE RING ME UP
pegleg: also after careful thought and consideration i have decided not to beat up alex because he got me a date
xande: YOU COULDN’T TAKE ME ANYWAY
xande: i mean yeah you probably could nevermind thanks
elizard: goodnight all
hairgelica: night assholes
johnald: finally, goodnight guys
fluffayette: great talk thanks for the explanation and shit
heracles: NIGHT
pegleg: gnight