Work Text:
Josh is not a boy.
Josh is not a boy no matter what everyone says. Josh might maybe have the biological parts of a boy but he is not a boy.
he is not a boy?
Josh is not a girl. Josh may paint his nails and wear deep blue lipstick and baby length skirts when he is home alone but Josh is not a girl.
is Josh a girl?
the thought makes his head spin and his stomach clench and it’s so notrightnotrightnotright he is NOT a girl but he is not a boy so what is he?
Josh feels sick when he thinks about living one more day as a man and a boyfriend and ‘him’ so on a late December night, with cold seeping into his body and a feeling of dread pooling in his stomach he types into the search bar on his ancient laptop’s browser, “i am not a boy and i am not a girl why is everything wrong”. maybe it’s a question Google can’t quite answer, but Josh is praying - actually praying - for the first time in forever.
the web page takes centuries to load. it finally does, and Josh’s breath catches in his chest. at least 10 links to yahoo answers with similar questions as his appear. he tentatively clicks one, looking over his shoulder in case somehow one of his siblings is up at 3 am. he focuses on the screen once again.
okay. here we go.
words flood into his head, phrases he has never heard before. genderfluid and trans and demi-boy and non-binary and Josh feels like he is drowning but finally something is feeling right. the replies to the questions are sweet and thoughtful; there are more people like him out there than he previously thought. of course every so often he runs into someone who is full of hate and spitting words that make his nerves dance like a live wire. he knows the intentions are to maim him. so he attempts to ignore them as best as he can.
he reads answer after answer until it’s nearly 4 and his eyes burn. none of the definitions seem quite right, but he still feels some safety in knowing that he’s not alone.
Josh is not alone.
tears fill his eyes. he wants to cry and scream with relief and happiness. so much weight has been lifted. maybe he won’t go by he/him pronouns right now. maybe he can try out they/them. he's not sure yet.
Josh smiles quietly.
he’s not a boy. he’s not a girl. but maybe
he
they will be okay.