Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

~Sanji PoV~
I did not want to tell the crew that I was having some bad nightmares. That I was getting beaten by some nightmares, it sounded so weak. That something like that could bring me down… I felt ashamed and broken. Still I refused to tell the others about it, I tried playing it of... Luckily, nobody noticed that something was wrong. That was what I thought. However, of course Zoro was seeing right through me.

~Zoro PoV~
I get it that he does not want to tell the others, and it is not my place to tell them. However, he was changing; he was on edge and felt uncomfortable. He could get through this, If only he would let someone help him. It does not have to be me if he does not want to. Nevertheless, he cannot do this on his own. The nightmares were dragging him down.

He did not sleep much. He never slept much. Because he was always early out of bed to make breakfast, and late in bed because he needs to clean after dinner and think and make preparations for the food he wants to make for the next day. Now he even slept less than usual. They all say I sleep a lot. Yes I do, who cares, not me. However, I would always notice him turning and squirming in his sleep. He would wake up with a scared expression on his face and his body covered in sweat. He would get up and smoke some. It looked like every time he closed his eyes to sleep, he was in his own place of horror.

~Sanji PoV~
Again, a nightmare, they were all different so it was always hard to tell what was going to happen.

The problem was even if I knew it was not real. It felt so real; I experienced everything about it and could even feel the pain. In addition, I could never wake up from them. There was no escape for me.

I was on an enemy’s ship. I could see that Luffy was fighting a big boss. Zoro and I stayed behind to clean up the small fries. However, because there were so many of them, we were forced to get closer and closer to each other. Soon we were fighting back to back. Even if there was not much room to maneuver in, we were doing okay. This is how we usual beat up the small fries, watching each other’s back. He was slicing down enemies with his katana's, and I was breaking skulls with my legs. We began to flow next to each other in a steady rhythm. One enemies suddenly grabbed my leg. I was stuck. I tried to maneuver my way out of It, Zoro saw I was in this situation and started to react by wanting to cut the fucker down. Before I could react, I felt a heavy tug on my leg, which caused me to stumble to the front. It happened so fast. Zoro his katana's did not only sliced the enemy in one clean slash, but also both of my hands. I looked at my bleeding wrists in horror. I began to panic and started to breath hard. It was hurting like hell! I dropped down to my knees. Tears were forming in my eyes. Not only from the pain, but also because I had lost my precious hands. My hand that I saved from fighting, to cook for my Nakama. To feed the poor and the weak. I tried my best to hold the tears back, but the pain was to hard to ignore. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Zoro slicing the last enemies away. He dropped his beloved katana's and kneeled In front of me. He could not utter a word, but his eyes betrayed it all. He was so sorry. He was blaming himself. I know it was his fault, but I could never blame him. It was an accident. He took his bandana and wrapped it around my wrist. He ripped his shirt apart for my other wrist. He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something, but he could not bring a word out. “I’m okay.” I forced out. It was more to calm myself down. “I’m okay… I’m fine…” I began to speak the words as a mantra. I was not okay; I was never going to be okay ever again. Tears were pouring down. Suddenly I could feel arms around me; Zoro was hugging me. He was shivering hard. “I am so sorry, Sanji.” I grabbed hold of him as much as I could with the arms I had left. Of course, my wrists were still bleeding and soon it was on Zoro as well. I could see that reinforcements had arrived. The pain made it hard for me to think, but I could still bring out. “Behind...” Zoro let go and grabbed his red katana. I think its name was Sandai Kitetsu, his demon sword. He stood up, his back to me to protect me. I began to hug myself to stop the pain, of course It was not working. When was the pain going to end. I squeezed my eyes close and let out a painful yelp. I could still hear Zoro slicing others away. I did not want to open my eyes, it would be better if Zoro would cut me as well, to end this. I had nothing left. My hands are my everything. They were gone now, my purpose was gone. Slowly darkness took over, even as I opened my eyes my vision was turning black. Zoro looked at me with a horrified look and was by my side again. “Don’t you dare to give up! COME ON SANJI!” He looked so pained. “Don’t- Don’t go blame yourself now. Marimo.” After that, I clenched my jaw shut. The last thing I saw was Zoro shaking me.

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I was squirming in my sleep. Suddenly I woke up with wide teary eyes. Zoro was slightly shaking me. “Come on Sanji. Get out of it.” I looked at him; he looked worried. I was so happy it was just a nightmare. Did I wake him up? “Oi you alright?” I quickly whipped my eyes. “Yeah, peachy.” I slowly sat up. To my shock, I had woken most of the crew up. Chopper and Usopp looked chocked. “Are you okay little buddy?” I looked at Franky; he looked puzzled. “Yeah I am fine.” Brook looked, well, death out of his eyes, death expression. You call it, but that was no surprise. The only one who was still soundly asleep was Luffy. Saying something about ‘more meat’.

“I need a smoke,” I mumbled quietly. I slipped out of my hammock picked up my cigarettes, lighter, and went outside on deck. The grass was a little wet because of the foggy weather, but it felt great to my feet. I sat at the railing and plucked a cigarette out the pack. I looked at my hands, those that where sliced off only a few seconds ago. They were still here, but I also noticed how my hands were shaking. I went to light up the cigarette and took a deep drag. The nicotine made me a little calmer. I just stared out over the sea. Was this ever going to end?

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When I was at my third cigarette I hear the door to the boy’s cabin open and close again. Guess which ball of green came to check on me. He sat down next to me. But said nothing, just sat there, waiting. I slowly smoked my cigarette up. After that, my body began to slowly sway from side to side. I was so tired. I have not been sleeping much these days. I knocked into something hard, which was Zoro his chest. I was fine with this. I did not care where I would fall asleep. I just wanted to sleep. “I am tired…” He stroked my hair. “I know…” was all he said. I closed my eyes again. “Sanji?” I managed to bring a hum out. “You wanne try to sleep with me in my hammock?” To be honest I was at the point that I did not care anymore. “Sure…” I slurred out. “Alright. Come on, back to bed with you.” However, I did not move a muscle.

“Seriously… do I have to carry you or something?” I let out another affirmative hum. He chuckled, but he did wrap his arms around me so he could carry me up and away. Soon I was laying with him in his hammock with my head on his chest. As far as I could hear, the others were sound asleep again. “I am not going to sleep unless you are asleep, okay?” I did not even bother to open my eyes. I just let another hum out. He started to stroke my back. It felt nice. I tried for a while to fight the sleep. Because I knew, what it would bring me. However, after a while I fell asleep, while Zoro was still awake.

~Zoro PoV~
I watched how he fell asleep. I was not planning to sleep tonight. I wanted to keep an eye on Sanji. If I really wanted to, I could always take a nap on deck later. His face looked tired but peaceful, for now. He had dark cringes under his eyes. I closed my eyes and listened to the snores around me from the others. Luffy was still snoring away. Usopp was talking in his sleep. Something about ‘I am the great treasure hunter, Usopp’. Yeah sure, I think Nami would be more fitting for that position. The only one who was death silent was Brook.

After some time went by Sanji clenched his hands in my shirt. I could feel that he began to tremble. His heartbeat was speeding up and his breathing was going faster. Guess the nightmare was there. His face was expressing a frightening expression, I watched him squirm some more. When he started to whine I wrapped my arm around him and went to hold him tightly. With my free hand, I began to stroke his hair. “It’s okay Sanji, relax.” His breathing stopped for a minute before he was letting it out shakily. “It is a bad dream, it’s not real. You are on the Sunny remember. Can’t you hear your Nakama around you? Come on cook, focus” His trembling began to reduce and his heartbeat went a little slower. I was getting through to him. “Right, just like that.” His hands slowly began to unclench again. And after a while, his heartbeat was back to a slow and steady rhythm, still a little fast and trembling. But it was not that bad anymore. I pulled him a little closer; not stopping with stroking his hair. I let his golden strains slip through my fingers. “I am not going anywhere.”

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I hold on to my promise. The next morning I was still awake, stroking his hair. When I felt him stir, I stopped. He slowly opened his eyes and looked confused to me. Apparently, he had forgotten for a second where he had laid down last night. Then a small smile appeared on his face. He was looking slightly better than last night. The much-needed sleep had done him good. The others were still asleep. He looked puzzled to me. “You are already awake? That’s weird, even for you.” If he would knew I was awake the completely freaking night for him, he would kick me out of my own hammock. “Yeah something must have woken me up. So, how are you feeling?” A smile tugged at his mouth. “Not bad, you are quiet the pillow. As I would have expected from a Marimo.~” I clicked my tongue.

“I should probably start with making breakfast. Got pancakes planned. I promised Chopper something sweet the other day. You just go back to sleep, it will take some time.” With that, he climbed out of my hammock, dressed himself and quietly tiptoed out of the cabin. I placed my arms behind my head and closed my eyes again. “Pancakes huh? Hope they are not too sweet.”

Chapter Text

~Sanji PoV~
I was now alone in the kitchen trying to make a start on making a big fruit salad for dinner. I already had all the fruits laid out. I washed the grapes and put them in a big bowl. Next, I took the apples and began to chop them.

I have not been sleeping for a couple of nights. The last time I had been sleeping was a couple of nights ago. The nightmares were eating me away. And they were beginning to get worse. I usually lose my hands, or died, or kill others. The one from last night was still haunting me.

I was on the Sunny, walking around on bare feet. Blood and pieces of meat were scattered around the deck. I looked down at my own hands. They were holding knives and were soaked in blood. When I looked around me, I noticed I was all alone. Where were the others? Where was my Nakama? I stumbled around. Searched every room. I only came along more pieces of meat. I began to pay more attention to the pieces. Was that… Nami her bracelet? I came closer to it. I looked horrified at a piece of her delicate wrist with the bracelet around it. “Nami-chan?” I noticed a large nose not that far away. It was the nose of our sharpshooter. “U-Usopp?” I noticed all the pieces around me were from someone of the crew. The pieces of bones were from Brook. The brown animal meat was Chopper. The meat with metal was obviously Franky. And so on. I could identify everyone. The knives slipped out of my hands. Their blood was on my hands. Luffy… Zoro… Nami… Usopp… Chopper… Robin… Franky… Brook… I sliced them all up. I fell down to my knees. How? How could I not have known it was them? On the other hand, did I know it was them? I was not sure anymore. Suddenly my hand began to move on itself. It picked up one of the knives. What was going on here? I started to hear snake-like whispers around me calling my name. Sssssanjiiiii… Sssssanjiiiii do It! “Do it? Do what?!” My hand began to move again. I looked at it in horror. I tried to stop it from moving, but it did not work. “What do you want from me?” “Do it Ssssssanjiiii, in one ssssslice.” My hand was brought to my wrist. “No… no not my hands!” But I could not stop it from happening. In one clean slice, it was through my wrist. I screamed it out. “Itssss okay Sssssanji. Now for the otherrr.” “Hah! I am out of hands to do that! Though luck.” Suddenly my foot was beginning to move. “You sick fuck! Are you enjoying this?!” My toes wrapped around the other knife that was on the ground. It was brought to my wrist again, but now my other. Tears were in my eyes. “I hope you get killed very soon, you sick fucker.” With that spoken, my other wrist was sliced clean off.

Before I knew, I was cutting myself with my knife. I froze up and looked at the blood dripping display in horror. I did not even hear the door open. “Oi cook, can I get…” He did not finish his sentence. He grabbed my hand and looked at the cut. “What the hell do you think you are doing?” His tone was so cold and harsh. I was still looking at the blood that was seeping out of the deep cut. “My- My hands.” I brought out shakily. With his other hand, he grabbed my chin and raised my head so I was looking straight into his eyes. He was scanning me. “Let’s get you to Chopper…” he took my arm and dragged me to the infirmary.

“Sanji! What happened to your hand!” I bite my lip and looked pained to the floor. “I uhm…” What should I say? ‘I did it myself because my nightmares are tormenting me’? Or maybe ‘I was not paying attention’. No, that sounded even worse. Before I could make up my mind, Zoro spoke up. “Sorry Chopper was, my fault. I knocked into him while he was cutting some fruits; I tried to grab a glass of water.” I looked at him with big eyes. Did he just lie for me? Even Chopper looked questionable at him, but he did not push the matter. He gently took care of the cut and after that, I went back to the kitchen.

I looked pained at the blood seeped apple pieces. “I can’t use those… but wasting good food…” I mumbled. A hand shot out to grab the pieces. I watched the apples disappear in Zoro his mouth. He chewed them looking at me. I opened my mouth to say something but I closed it again. Zoro rolled his eyes. “What, you hate throwing away food. I was hungry so. It is just some blood; you have seen me lick blood of my katana's before. This is nothing new.” With that, he sat down at the table and closed his eyes. “Thank you.” Before I knew it, I blurted it out. Zoro opened his eyes to look at me and smirked. “For uhm…” For what? For not telling Chopper? Or for eating the chopped apples? Zoro cocked his eyebrow and was still smirking at me. “Just thanks okay!” I turned around with a huff.

I cleaned up my cutting board and knife, and went back to work. I could feel his eyes on me; he was watching me. However, when I looked around his eyes where closed again. As if I did not know he was checking on me, I mean 1 He was not snoring, which means awake. 2 He was not the subtle kind of person. I could go one but I think I have made my point. But then again, with him around me, I felt a little calmer. With Zoro fixated on me, I finished the fruit salad without thinking about other things.

Chapter Text

~Sanji PoV~
It had been many nights since that I went to sleep properly. The last one was the night when Zoro asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. That was I think a day or 13 ago. But ever since, I did not dare to ask him. What if I was a burden? Or he thought I was pitiful. It did not help either that Zoro had to take over many night shifts from others now. So either way I still could not sleep with him. So I thought to myself, why even bother to go to bed? I was almost 24/7 in the kitchen now. Smoking, preparing dinner, or just starring at the wall. The others were beginning to worry, but I just shook them of with lies. ‘I was alright’ ‘I just had a nice nap’ or ‘I have to do something else first’. The one who was always looking skeptical at me was Zoro. He was not as easy to fool as the others, but he also did not mention it. The tiredness was beginning to affect me. I had black bags under my eyes. My reflexes were a little slower than usual. Sometimes I did not even hear one of the lovely lady’s call me. In addition, it was even beginning to affect my cooking.

We came close to a summer island. The weather was beginning to get hot and clingy. Soon everyone was sitting in the shadows with short clothes on. The lady’s had there bikinis on. Moreover, Zoro of course walked around half-naked. Just like Franky, but that is another story. I was still wearing my suits. Because I did not sleep much, I was feeling cold almost the whole time. Besides, I felt comfortable in them. And a first impression was crucial, so wearing handsome clothes was necessary. Even If the rest of me looked like shit. I was doing my round to bring everyone drinks. We had dropped our anchor for today. Nami was sunbathing, next to her was Robin reading a book with a sleeping ball of Chopper in her lap. I could hear that Brook was playing the piano in the aquarium room. Luffy was in a rubber donut drifting on the water with Usopp and Franky. Now where was the Marimo? “Uhm Robin-chan I am sorry to interrupt you, but have you seen Zoro?” She looked up from her book and smiled at me. “I believe he is training in the crow’s nest cook-san.” I looked up. Of course he was. When he was not sleeping, he would be training up there.

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After I brought everyone their drinks I decided to bring the Mosshead his drink as well. I balanced the tray with his drink on my head while I climbed my way upstairs. I peered over the edge. His back was to me, he was pushing up a big dummbel where the edges were bend, so heavy was it. Sweat was slipping down his body. “What are you looking at?” The suddenness of his voice startled me a little. “Ah noting! I uhm came to bring you your drink.” He stopped and turned around, raising an eyebrow. “You do know that you may step in, right? You don’t have to keep hanging there.” I could feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment. I made my way to the couch and sat down.

~Zoro PoV~
He was looking so uncomfortable on that couch. And really tired. I knew he did not sleep much these last days. But he was looking so bad I began to wonder if he even slept a little the last couple of days. I dropped my dummbell; it came down to the floor with a little bang. Taking a towel I rubbed most of the sweat away.

I sat down beside Sanji and took the drink from the tray. I took a swing and gulped it all down. It was lemon flavored. I liked the sour taste that was sliding down my throat. After whipped my mouth I set the glass on the ground. “That hit the spot.” I looked at him again. He was looking at the ground. “So.” I began nonchalant. “How are you doing?” He peered at me from under his bangs. “Fine.” Yeah sure… and I am the Pirate King… “Cut the crap… you look crappy as hell.” He lighted up a cigarette and took a long drag. After a few seconds, he exhaled again. He turned his head away. “Yeah well, who asked for your opinion anyway Mosshead?” His voice sounded a little too weak in my opinion. “Sanji, spill it out.” However, he kept silent. I noticed how his hand that was holding the cigarette was beginning to shake. I waited a few more minutes. But he did not react. He did not even bother to take a drag of his cigarette anymore. I took the cigarette out of his hand and threw it out of the window. Next, I grabbed his shoulders and made him turn. He quickly turned his head away. “The fack is wrong with you cook!” I could feel him tremble in my grip. I gently took his chin and made his head turn towards me. He did not resist. I was looking into blue teary eyes. And I decided that I hated that look, I wanted it to go away. “Talk to me.”

He took a shaky breath. “I can’t sleep, I keep having these nightmares. Every night they are getting worse, my wrists were being cut off or I cut them off. I am even beginning to kill my nakama. The people I care about.” He grabbed his head. “It is driving me crazy! I cannot even close my eyes anymore without them. My reflexes are getting worse, I am not alert enough, and my cooking skills are getting shitty.” He let out a broken sob. “What if I really start to hurt the others? What If no one is safe around me?! I just want to sleep again. I am tired… I am broken…” I did not like hearing him talk this way. Hated to see him this weak. I always thought of him as my equal, a strong person with a strong will. He was not easy to break. Mentally and physically. Now he was exhausted, on edge, broken. I bear hugged him and dragged him down with me. So he was laying on top of me. He froze up. “What… are you… doing?” I hugged him tightly, as if I could stick the broken pieces back together. “I am hugging you.” He still did not move. “Why.” He sounded a little more panicked. “Because I wanted to, and you need it. Sanji, I want you to sleep for a while.” He began to tremble again. “But the nightmares!” I slowly began to loosen my hug. “You are stronger than them. And I will be right here, watching over you. Just try it.”

He carefully began to lay a little more comfortable and wrapped his arms around me. He was still looking a little panicked. But his eyelids were dropping little by little. He was tired. Too be honest, so was I. After a little while, I saw Usopp peek his head out of the hatch. He looked worried. I gave him a thumb up. He gave a small smile and went downstairs again. Stupid cook, worrying everyone around here. He thought that nobody was noticing a thing. But they were all worried. As soon as I fell that Sanji was lightly asleep I also closed my eyes to sleep some. I know that I will wake up if he needed me.

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~Sanji PoV~
I slowly began to awaken from my sleep. I heard snoring. And I could feel a steady heartbeat. I slowly opened my eyes. Noticing that I was laying on Zoro in a comfortable embrace. I felt much better after the nap. Wait a second… I did not had a nightmare. I smiled a little and nuzzled against Zoro to lay even more comfortable, he was so comfortable and warm. Suddenly the snoring stopped. “Did you sleep well? I didn’t feel you having a nightmare.” I looked up into his eyes. “I slept pretty well. I don’t get it.” He just smiled. “I am quiet the pillow. As you should have expected from a Marimo, right?” He was teasing me; it was on! “No I know, it is because of your snoring! Even the nightmares keep their distance because of the noise.” He cocked his eyebrow. “Whatever it takes to let the nightmares leave you alone, if snoring is all you need I would be happy to help out.” I could feel that my face was getting red. I quickly shoved my head in his chest. “Whatever…” He pulled my head back up, a serious look on his face. “I am serious here. You can sleep with me in my hammock to keep the nightmares away. Look how it had destroyed you. I don’t want to see that again, okay?” Why was he being so kind lately? No that was not true. He has been kind many times. But why? “Why are you being kind?” He shrugged. “I guess I like you.” I began to turn even redder about that. “Don’t just blurt it out like it’s nothing!” He had to laugh about it. I puffed up my cheeks and buried my face in his chest. “I guess I-like-you-too.” My head was being pulled up again. “What did you say cook, I did not hear you the first time.” The bastard was smirking, he had heard me… I avoided his gaze and huffed. “I said, I guess… that I… might like you too.” His shitty smirk grew bigger. “Get that smirk of your face… idiot…” He just laughed. I smiled and laid my head back on his chest closing my eyes again.

I could feel his hand play with some of my hair strands and I had to admit that it felt nice. And his steady heartbeat was making me feel a little sleepy again. “Sanji, look up.” I moved myself a little up before I opened my eyes again, only to find firm lips planted on mine. I wide my eyes, Zoro was kissing me! He felt the same for me, as I was feeling for him! I started to kiss back. We broke apart before it could grow too heated. Zoro was again smirking with that shit-eating grin on his face. I coked an eye brow. “What?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Want to sleep in my hammock tonight?” I smacked his head and laughed. “As long as I can sleep and you will be snoring for me, then yes.” “Oooh don’t worry. I know of some ways to make us both tired and sleepy.” I went red again. Did he just mention what I think he did? “…idiot.” I laid my head back on my chest. “Fine, just wake me up in an hour. I still need to prepare food.” He nodded and wrapped his arms protectively around me again. “Alright shit cook.” I clicked my tongue. “Shut up Marimo.”