Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“Why don’t you tell me when it is you feel Him the most?”

“Like what time of day?”

“It can be that; or an object that reminds you of Him.”

“Well it’s not really a time, or a thing, but there’s always this moment, when I’m sitting on the kitchen counter, waiting for the kettle to boil, and as I make my way over I just…feel Him, and He’s everything I want to be.”

“And what is that?”

“Dead.”

The walls are yellow, that’s the first thing Taehyung notices. It’s pale, like the sun when trying to break through a thin layer of clouds on an overcast day. But it doesn’t succeed, and the clouds want to rain so badly.

Taehyung thinks the sun should just give up. It looks better when it’s cloudy out anyway.

That’s what He would say.

“I think it’s supposed to bring happiness.” The ever-optimistic Jimin says from beside him, hand clasping Taehyung’s tightly, as if he’s afraid that Taehyung will run if he lets go. He shouldn’t worry: Taehyung hasn’t run since he was on the track team in middle school. And he sure as hell isn’t going to start now.

“It irritates my eyes.” Taehyung grumbles.

“Well seeing you this way irritates my eyes.” Jimin says, squeezing Taehyung’s hand. “You promised you’d try.”

“I never said I was backing out Jiminie.” Taehyung hasn’t backed out of a thing in his life—a perfect streak that won’t be muddled by group therapy. As unnecessary as he believes it to be, having heard something while watching Oprah again, Jimin’s gotten it into his brain that group therapy is somehow a must when “dealing with the loss of a loved one”.

“But I haven’t just lost someone Jiminie,” Taehyung had said, angrily scooping hot chocolate mix into his mug. “It’s not that simple. You wouldn’t understand.” Jimin has Yoongi.

“If you meet other people who have gone through the same thing you’re going through, I think that they can help you figure stuff out.” Jimin said, choosing his words carefully. He stepped forward and put his hands on Taehyung’s shoulders, turning him lightly so that they were facing one another. “I know you’re strong enough to make it through this. Do you?”

And Taehyung had agreed—50% to please Jimin, 49% because he had nothing else to do seeing as how the principal of the school he was teaching at told him to take off as much time as he needed (despite Taehyung’s protests), and 1% because he knew Jimin was ultimately right about him needing help. Not that he was going to let on.

So Taehyung turns a corner and enters—would you believe it—another yellow room, this one round, with a setup of plastic red and orange chairs creating a circle in the center.

“Let me guess, orange and red are for happiness too, right?” Taehyung grumbles into Jimin’s ear.

“Can’t hurt I’m sure.” Jimin gives him a small smile when he says this, eyes crinkling.

“Jimin,” Taehyung deadpans. “Red is the colour of blood.”

Taehyung hates group therapy. He hates it, he hates it, he hates it. It hasn’t even started yet and he hates it.

First of all, besides two other people, he’s the only one there, since Jimin had to leave (though the word abandon seems more accurate) to go to his job as a dance instructor for an after-school camp.

Second of all, one of those two people is a girl who’s trying to hit on him. Um, no thank you? Taehyung wonders if she’s in the right dimly-lit-and-yellow-to-the-max rec center.

Third of all, the second person is a guy who sincerely wants to kill Taehyung. It’s been decided.

The guy has black hair and is wearing a significant amount of eyeliner. His eyes are narrow and when they’re not focused on the book in his lap, bore into Taehyung with an unidentifiable anger that make Taehyung want to run for the hills—or maybe just Jimin and Yoongi’s apartment where he can make hot chocolate, watch Meg Ryan rom coms and generally feel sorry for himself.

Taehyung squints over at the guy and reads that his nametag says Oh Sehun. Well, at least he knows who not to send a Facebook friend request to in the future. He checks the girl’s nametag out of the corner of his eye: Bae Joohyun. Make that two.

Speaking of Bae Joohyun, she’s been trying to tell Taehyung a story about her dog—or was it her mom?—for the past three minutes, and he hasn’t been listening to a word of it. All he can think about is how close she is, and how un-close he wishes she were.

“Mmhmm.” Taehyung hums in agreement to whatever Joohyun paused to get his opinion on. She seems pleased with his reaction and smiles broadly in his direction. The sight hurts Taehyung’s heart because he suddenly realizes that it doesn’t reach her eyes. So she’s hurting too.

His doctor, Kim Namjoon, mentioned to him that everyone has their own coping mechanisms. He guesses that hers is to try her best to move on. Maybe she thinks that’s what whoever it was she loved would have wanted. Maybe she just doesn’t know what else to do.

Knowing this doesn’t steal away from the fact that she’s making Taehyung feel like he needs to throw up. He inches his chair a bit away from her. She watches the movement, not one bit deterred by his actions.

“Hard to get,” She half-whispers. “I can dig it.” She turns away, crossing one leg smoothly over the other in an obvious show. Maybe he should tell her that he doesn’t play for her team.

They sit in painful silence for the next seven minutes as people begin to file in one by one, until every seat is filled, save for one chair directly across from Taehyung. The sight bugs Taehyung for some reason.

Their group leader’s name is Jung Hoseok and in Taehyung’s mind he’s the sun that has managed to evade the storm clouds.

“I’d just like to start off today’s session by just telling you all how happy and proud I am that you’ve all bravely taken the initiative to come here today and allow yourself some help. I’m touched honestly, especially since I’m seeing so many familiar faces.” Hoseok puts a hand to his chest, over his heart, and makes sure to look every person in the circle straight in the eye. When his eyes land on Taehyung, they hover for a moment before moving on. When he’s finished his circuit he floats back to—

“You must be Kim Taehyung, our newest member.” He says it like it’s a club that they’ve all joined for fun, waterskiing perhaps, maybe even book club. “Why don’t you stand up so we can all get a look at you?”

“Why?” Taehyung asks and Hoseok folds his hands over his crossed legs patiently.

“Because we’re all in this together.” That explains nothing but okay. Taehyung stands up anyway and, just for show, does a little twirl. There are a few snickers and a snort from Sehun, who’s tapping his finger on his knee rapidly. It’s a bit distracting.

Taehyung makes to sit back down but Hoseok holds up a hand.

“Easy there Kim Taehyung, we haven’t had introductions yet.”

“But you’ve already told everyone my name. Twice.”

“Is your name all there is to you? I have a hard time believing that.”

After shooting Hoseok every irritated glance he can muster, Taehyung straightens up reluctantly, holding his hands up in two unenthusiastic waves.

“Hello everybody. My name is Kim Taehyung, I’m a Capricorn but my best friend Jimin’s convinced I’m actually a Sagittarius. My favourite colours are green, black and white, and I like to eat noodles.” He sits down immediately. Next to him, Joohyun pats his knee. He moves it away instantly.

Hoseok raises his eyebrows, unamused. “Kim Taehyung that was probably the most dreadful introduction I’ve seen since starting here three years ago.” He’s still smiling though, and his words hold no contempt.

“First time for everything I guess.” Little does Hoseok know, Taehyung’s got attitude to spare; a side effect of losing someone close to you, he supposes.

“What is it you do for a living Kim Taehyung?”

“I’m a kindergarten teacher.” His words imply that he can hold out on a meaningless conversation just as long as Hoseok can. Perhaps even longer thanks to a kid in his class who would go on and on to Taehyung about Mario.

He mentally sends Kim Seokjin a thank you for all of his training. Like Luke and Yoda.

“So you know very well the importance of introductions in a classroom setting, am I right?” Hoseok thinks he’s won.

“I didn’t realize this was a class.”

“Well we’re all gathered here in a room to learn together and share our thoughts, needs and experiences. I think that basically covers the general definition.” Maybe he has won.

“Fine.” Taehyung sighs and is about to stand again when there’s a loud crash, and the sound of footsteps echoing on tile.

Taehyung looks up to see the doors of the room open. A tall, broad chested man walks in, wearing an oversized white button up, baggy light wash jeans—cuffed at the ankles, and timberlands. His hair is floppy and parted awkwardly, like he’d just woken up. He has a backpack over one of his shoulders and drops it with a crash the moment he enters the room.

“Shit.” The guy hisses as he sweeps his bag off the floor. There’s silence, and he looks back up toward the circle. “Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I slept in.” His eyes trail over to Taehyung, who’s still standing. “Sorry, did I interrupt?”

“It’s quite alright Jeon Jeongguk, you’re just in time to hear our newest member’s introduction.” Hoseok smiles brightly in the guy’s direction before turning back to Taehyung. “Kim Taehyung why don’t you introduce yourself again for those who missed it?”

If Jung Hoseok addresses him by his full name one more time, there’s going to be trouble. Taehyung watches as the guy takes the empty seat in front of him, next to Sehun, and speaks. “My name is Kim Taehyung.”

The guy is attractive; there was no denying that. He has a sharp jawline and a soft nose, with a kind looking mouth. Taehyung can’t describe why it looks kind per say, but it’s the sort of mouth that greets you warmly into its home, and tells you stories to help you sleep at night. The kind that Taehyung supposes Wendy’s mum must’ve had in Peter Pan, holding its secrets tightly.

He even seems to have miraculously lightened the mood of every other person there, despite his awkward arrival. A few people wave to him, and he smiles back at them, returning the greeting.

On his wrist, Taehyung notices a silver charm bracelet dangling in the light as he moves his hand. It’s a chain, with three charms: a Christmas tree, a hummingbird, and a train. The randomness is intriguing, Taehyung has to admit, but they somehow fit together perfectly and Taehyung can’t imagine any other charms being on that bracelet.

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say.” Taehyung admits after a moment of staring ahead blankly, realizing that Hoseok is still awaiting his introduction.

“Perhaps you’d feel comfortable sharing with us the reason why you’re here?” Hoseok offers, surprisingly tentative. Taehyung blinks, the immediate answer being—obviously—no.

“Not really.” Taehyung says. Hoseok meets his eyes smoothly.

“I personally believe that openness to others makes others open to you.” Taehyung would pay this guy $10 to say open one more time.

“Cool mantra I guess.”

“Kim Taehyung,” Hoseok says, calm. “I hold no contempt for you when I say this, for I know you must be going through a lot and everyone heals in their own way, but if this attitude keeps up for the rest of our sessions—granted this is your first—I don’t see how we can help you.” He motions his hands to everyone in the circle and to Taehyung’s surprise a few of them offer him sympathetic smiles.

“Why should I have to share? I know as much about you as you do about me. Seems unfair to me.” Taehyung hates group therapy. He hates it, he hates it, he hates it. It has barely started, and he hates it. “Besides, I never asked for your help.”

Hoseok’s about to respond when a small girl off to the side raises her hand tentatively.

“Would you like me to share Hoseok? To help open up the floor I mean.” Her voice is soft and she’s looking at the ground the whole time. Poor girl.

Hoseok jumps upon the offer. “Choi Yewon, I appreciate your kind offer. Thank you.” He bows to her slightly and she looks at him like she doesn’t know how to respond to the gesture.

“Should I stand?” She asks.

“Whatever makes you comfortable Choi Yewon.”

Taehyung bites his lip to keep from announcing that he was forced to stand. They call this a democracy?

Yewon stays seated. She tucks her long brown hair behind her ears a couple of times, staring at her knees.

“I’m here because my brother died a year ago.” She sounds strained and Taehyung doesn’t know why she volunteered. Across the room he sees Jeongguk shift his position so his arms are resting on his thighs, leaning forward. His eyes are focused on her, soft and understanding. He’s a good listener, Taehyung can tell.

“And how did he die?” Hoseok prods and Taehyung wants to slap him. Did this guy have any tact?

“Alcohol poisoning at a party. No one helped him.” A tear splashes onto her cheek and the people beside her instantly lean in, rubbing her arms and back soothingly. She smiles but it seems forced; just like everything else here.

“Where were you when you found out?”

“I was at school—math class, we were learning about trigonomic identities—and the phone rang and the teacher said it was for me.”

Jeongguk’s hand goes to the Christmas tree charm.

“How did you feel in that moment?”

He begins to twist in back and forth in fluid motions. His pinkie is raised in the air, like a British noblewoman sipping tea at noon.

“Like the world had lost its light.”

Taehyung’s eyes shoot up and they meet Yewon’s. She’s crying, the tears rolling down her cheeks in smooth streams.

“Was it like that for you too?” She asks him.

Taehyung hesitates, almost about to act as if he wasn’t aware that her question was directed towards him. “I couldn’t get warm for a few days. Like, no matter how many blankets I had, or how much hot chocolate I drank, I couldn’t stop shivering.” There was something in her eyes that made him want to share, a sense of familiarity.

There’s a collective nod that passes through the room. Hoseok smiles broadly but thankfully doesn’t continue the questioning.

The only person who doesn’t nod is Jeongguk, who’s staring at him with that kind mouth.

They hear a few more people talk: a girl whose dad died of brain cancer, a boy whose sister fell off a balcony while attempting to clean the attic windows. Both of them cried, and everyone watched. A few people offered their condolences; there was a lot of hand holding. And though most people never looked away from those speaking, Taehyung couldn’t help how his eyes would naturally start to drift over to Jeongguk’s face.

Jeongguk was always watching the speaker with dedicated interest, like he just got everything they were saying. It was hypnotic to watch. And sometimes when Jeongguk would get the creeping feeling that someone was staring, he would look over, and Taehyung’s eyes would snap away, missing how the interaction made the corner of Jeongguk’s mouth quirk up.

After the session Jeongguk swings his backpack over his shoulder, giving fond goodbyes to everyone there—even giving Hoseok a handshake—and heads out. When his hand is on the door, he spares a quick glance back to where Taehyung is now standing. He doesn’t do anything but tilt his head to the side slightly and close the door behind him.

On his way through the building, Taehyung is trying to take out his wallet to grab some bus fare, when he bumps into someone. Though not much taller, the individual seems to tower over Taehyung.

“Watch yourself.” Sehun snarls and shakes off his shoulders, like he can’t stand the accidental contact. He’s wearing a leather jacket covered in zippers, and there’s an ear-bud dangling over his shoulder.

“It was an accident.” Taehyung says back, not about to take this guy’s rude attitude.

“Yeah, whatever.” Sehun is trying to unzip a pocket on his coat, but his hand is shaking so violently he can’t manage it.

Taehyung reaches up. “Need help?” Sehun is slapping his hands away so fast Taehyung almost gets whiplash.

“Get your hands off of me!” He snaps and Taehyung recoils: more shocked than anything.

“I was just trying to help. What’s your problem?”

“Thought it was obvious.” Sehun growls just as an arm is slung over his shoulders, cutting him off. Taehyung looks up to see Jeongguk standing there casually, smiling bright enough to bring all the light back into Yewon’s world.

“What’s going on guys?” He says, and whether he’s feigning obliviousness or not, Taehyung can’t tell.

“Nothing. Just leaving.” Sehun is looking away, still struggling with his pocket. His eyebrows are wrinkled with how frustrated he looks.

Jeongguk notices. “Sehun?”

“It just won’t work! I can’t grab anything. I’m like a fucking cripple!” Sehun is almost yelling in frustration, causing some visitors to look over, confused. Taehyung’s eyes are almost bugging because he’s never seen anything like how Sehun’s hand is shaking. He almost volunteered at an old folk’s home as a caregiver for an old man with Tourette’s but decided against it, seeing as how he could never stand to see people in pain.

Almost ironic how he’s ended up here, in group therapy for those who have lost a loved one: literally surrounded by suffering.

“No you’re not. Here let me help.” At Jeongguk’s words, Sehun concedes surprisingly quickly, letting his hand drop to twitch at his side. “Are you still seeing Junmyeon?”

“Yeah, he says it’s getting better, but I don’t see a difference.” Sehun mumbles, watching Jeongguk’s smooth hands reach into the pocket to pull out a cell phone. He hands it to Sehun’s good hand.

“Hey man, when I first met you, you couldn’t even dress yourself. Now, you don’t even need Jongin’s help anymore. I think that’s a definite improvement.”

Jeongguk is smiling still and Sehun rolls his eyes, obviously trying to remain irritated.

“Guess so. I gotta go.” He takes his bad hand and shoves it into his pocket, concealing the tremors. Jeongguk pats him on the back and watches silently as he goes. Finally he turns his attention back to Taehyung, who had been standing there silently for the past few minutes.

“Sorry about that. Sehun can be kind of rough around the edges, but he’s a really sweet guy. Just been through a lot.” Jeongguk smiles.

“Really? Could’ve sworn he just plain hates me.” Taehyung mumbles.

“Don’t worry about it, everyone thinks that.” When Taehyung doesn’t say anything in response, Jeongguk reaches out to knock his fist lightly against Taehyung’s shoulder. “I’ll see you next week?”

Taehyung nods and Jeongguk smiles again. When their eyes meet, the sight makes Taehyung feel like he’s drinking tea on a cold day: the smoothness of warmth seeping down his throat into his stomach in one long motion.

“Why tea?”

“I was making tea when I got the phone call. He loved mint tea, and was on His way home after a big contract signing. I thought it would cheer Him up.”

“Do you still make tea?”

“No.”

“Didn’t you say that you put on the kettle though?”

“I can get that far, but I haven’t tried past that. It’s too much.”

“Do you think it’d be a good exercise to try? A way of ensuring that He’s still a part of your life.”

“I don’t exercise. Besides, I thought I was supposed to live life as if He was never a part of it?”

“Now how would that be healthy in any way? We’ve got to accept and live with parts of our lives that we’d prefer not to. And I’m not going to lie to you; it’s going to be hard. But in the end you’re going to be happy you worked with it, rather than through it.”

“Fine. I’ll do that, but I’m not making the tea.”

“Can you explain to me why?”

“Cause tea was home to Him.”

“How was it?” Jimin is waiting at the door when Taehyung arrives back at the apartment. Yoongi is lazing on the couch, but sits up when he sees Taehyung. There’s the scent of food cooking from the kitchen. Jimin’s been making all of Taehyung’s meals for him, seeing as how he’d forget to eat if he wasn’t forced to. A side effect of depression, Namjoon says. Golly.

“Awful.” Taehyung dumbs it down. “The leader is this crazy ball of light, he talks to me like I can’t think and always calls me by my full name. There’s this guy who sits across from me who keeps treating me like he can and will stab me at any given moment. And another person—a girl—keeps rubbing my thigh. Plus, did I mention that I almost punched the group leader in the face?” Taehyung toes off his shoes and heads straight for the couch, collapsing so that his head is on Yoongi’s thigh. Jimin watches from his place at the door.

Two months ago, Jimin would’ve yelled at him to stop being so comfortable with his boyfriend, but now they just let him do whatever he wants. It’s a little unnerving, honestly, because Taehyung could probably make out with Yoongi and Jimin would just stand by and tell him that “you should do whatever helps you heal”.

Jimin’s a good friend. Taehyung’s bestest of the best friends no doubt, but sometimes he takes his whole Oprah act a bit too seriously.

“Why would you do that?” Jimin says, face etched in worry. “They weren’t mean to you were they?”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “Jiminie, this isn’t high school, it’s group therapy. He just asked me to talk about Him.” At this, both Yoongi and Jimin’s eyes widen profusely.

“And you did?” Jimin almost shrieks. Taehyung shrugs.

“Kind of, not really. Maybe a little bit, but barely anything. Forget it, I don’t want to talk about this. What’s on TV tonight?”

Later that night Taehyung overhears them talking in their room:

“But he doesn’t even talk to us about Minjae. We can’t even say His name around him, it’s like He’s Voldemort or something.” Jimin whisper-yells in frustration.

“Babe, weren’t you the one who wanted him to go?” Yoongi whispers back, so softly Taehyung almost misses it.

“Yeah, but still, I’m his best friend. He hasn’t even cried to me yet.” Jimin whines.

“So you know him well. Sometimes telling strangers the things that hurt us are easier than telling those who love us. Taehyung doesn’t want you to worry because you’re his best friend. And about the crying, give him his time. We all work at things in our own pace.”

“Man, good looks and brains, how’d I ever get so lucky?”

Taehyung tries not to miss the familiar feeling of a mouth on his when he hears them kiss.

There’s a general irritation that comes after the death of a loved one. It’s a confusion that results in slamming car doors and stomping up and down stairs for no good reason besides the fact that there’s built up emotions and too much silence.

For Taehyung, he gets angry when he wakes to sun streaming through the living room window (he’s taken to sleeping on Jimin and Yoongi’s couch). Just the sight of dust floating in the light is enough to send him shutting cupboards with that extra amount of strength while he’s making cereal.

He just doesn’t understand how the universe has the audacity to shine when it took away the person who loves the clouds. Can’t it at least give him that? A sort of consolation?

But no, the sun has shone everyday since He died. At His funeral (AKA the Worst Day of Kim Taehyung’s Life™), people wore sunglasses to combat the sun’s rays, the grass almost glowed, and Taehyung could see his reflection in the coffin. Many relatives and well-wishers came up to him and seemed pleased that it was good weather, but Taehyung was angry. He went back to Jimin and Yoongi’s that night, closed all the blinds, and did “the angriest rain dance ever seen” according to Yoongi.

It still didn’t rain, and Taehyung stayed in bed for a week, covered in blankets and unable to stop shivering.

In his second week of group therapy, Hoseok brings cookies and silently watches as everyone eats them.

Taehyung’s sitting next to Joohyun again and she’s picking seeds out of her teeth.

“I think he thinks we’re birds.” She mumbles, inspecting the cookie that’s more seed than sugar and Taehyung’s surprised by the lack of flirtation in her words.

“Yeah, or rabbits.” Taehyung’s looking across the circle at Jeongguk, who’s munching away happily, like a bunny. He even has the front teeth to match, Taehyung notes. After a moment, Jeongguk’s eyes meet Taehyung’s, and he offers him a smile full of seeds. Taehyung surprises himself by snorting and everyone in the circle turns to look at him for the second time. Jeongguk begins to laugh and it feels like an invitation for everyone—including the ever-irritated Sehun—to join in. It’s light, the sound, and Taehyung wonders when the last time he heard laughter was. And not awkward chuckles, but real, unadulterated laughter. It sounds like music, wind chimes, fairy lights: everything good.

His eyes go to Jeongguk’s again and he’s staring. Taehyung stares right back because Jeongguk’s eyes are warm and an oddly comfortable gaze to be in.

“I must say that that was a very pleasant moment to be a part of. Thank you.” Hoseok says but Taehyung barely registers it.

After the session has ended—Joohyun shared a bit about her boyfriend who had died from cancer four months ago and Taehyung held her hand as she cried—Taehyung’s waiting in the parking lot for Jimin to come and pick him up. Taehyung can’t drive; he’s never needed to learn. He was driven everywhere.

“Hey,” Someone says behind him, and he turns to see a smiling Jeongguk. His dark hair is shining in the sunlight and he’s squinting. Stupid sun.

Today he’s wearing an oversized grey t-shirt and jeans, the same charm bracelet still there. It’s reflecting the light and shines right into Taehyung’s eyes. Jeongguk notices and moves his hand.

“Oh, sorry.” He says, smiling apologetically.

“It’s okay. It’s really nice.” Taehyung says, pointing to the bracelet.

“Thanks, it belonged to someone really special to me.” Jeongguk rubs the chain fondly as he speaks. “It helps me remember.” Taehyung nods along.

“That’s good.”

“Do you have anything?”

Taehyung pauses because the things he does have are nothing concrete like Jeongguk’s, just moments, and feelings. And the fact that he now has to pay for public transit unless Jimin or Yoongi can drive him.

“Left hand turns.” He finally says and Jeongguk gives him a bright smile.

“Brilliant.”

Jimin never does show up so Jeongguk offers to drive him. It’s strange, being in a car with someone Taehyung barely knows. It brings him back to five years ago, to that first date:

They were driving somewhere and they were singing along to trot music and just laughing. Then He turned His head away to make a left hand turn and the moment Taehyung’s eyes landed on the back of His head; the way His hair curled a bit at the ends, how there were little wisps at the bottom of his neck that looked like baby hairs—Taehyung was in love.

To this day it still astonishes Taehyung how he could’ve fallen in love so fast with the back of someone’s head, having only known them for a short period of time. His mum told him that he was probably getting ahead of himself, but that left hand turn brought him five glorious years that he wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, even cloudy weather.

At the funeral, his mum came up to him and told him that she was sorry she had been so wrong.

“I’m thirsty, do you wanna stop for a coffee or something?” Jeongguk says and Taehyung gets snapped out of his thoughts about someone who always drove with one hand, the other folded into Taehyung’s.

“Yeah sure.”

Jeongguk flips the turn signal and tilts his head to make a left hand turn. Taehyung’s head snaps away and he doesn’t look over until they’ve arrived at their destination.

It’s a small coffee shop tucked into the corner of a group of townhouses that look like they should be along the streets of Paris. The shop is painted pale lavender and has a big window in the front so Taehyung can see right through. There’s a patio with a few wooden chairs all painted bright colours like the plastic chairs from group therapy, and the sign reads Serendipity Café.

“Cute name,” Taehyung says and Jeongguk smiles beside him.

“Thanks.” When Taehyung gives him a quizzical look, Jeongguk just motions for him to follow him inside. Taehyung’s instantly hit with the scent of espresso and sweet when he enters. The inside of the café is pleasant, with white walls and framed pictures of old maps of the city. It all instantly reminds him of Jeongguk: inviting, warm and curious. No wonder he comes here.

“Hey, Jeonggukie!” The barista making coffee calls out to Jeongguk instantly, waving his hand high. He’s short with broad shoulders and black hair spiked upwards. When he smiles it’s almost as if he knows a secret no one else does. “Who’s your friend?”

“Hey Minseok Hyung.” Jeongguk greets. “This is Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung is thankful Jeongguk doesn’t mention how they met. “Just you today?”

Minseok shakes his head, diverting his attention back to frothing milk. “Jinyoung’s around the back, and Jongdae’s out buying ingredients for a new cupcake recipe.”

That’s when Taehyung notices the cupcakes: rows and rows of brightly coloured, differently patterned cupcakes next to Taehyung in a glass case, behind Minseok in boxes, along the counter on trays; cupcakes everywhere.

“Woah.” Taehyung’s mouth is hanging open cause it’s suddenly obvious where the sweet smell was coming from.

“Do you like cupcakes?” Jeongguk asks.

“I haven’t had them in a while; He didn’t really like dessert.” Taehyung says without thinking, and he immediately clamps his mouth shut. Jeongguk doesn’t say anything in response, fingers tapping thoughtfully on the counter.

“Well, how’d you like to break your streak?” He says after a moment.

“Okay.” There’s gingerness in Taehyung’s tone because it feels strange to go against Him after all these years. It’s as if He may have never existed.

Jeongguk is moving instantly, reaching across the counter and plucking up a cupcake with light blue icing and a small hummingbird perched on top.

“Jeonggukie I hope you’re planning on paying for that.” Minseok says while expertly pouring milk into the shape of a leaf.

“Just this once Minseok Hyung.” Jeongguk grins and hands Taehyung the cupcake.

Minseok sighs. “You should really set an example don’t you think?”

“That’s what you were hired for Hyung.” Jeongguk throws his arm around Taehyung’s shoulders. Taehyung tenses a bit at the contact, but does nothing to break away. “Shall we?” He leads Taehyung over to a small table.

“You must come here a lot.” Taehyung says when they’re seated, noting how a few other customers greet Jeongguk as they pass. It’s as if everywhere he goes, people voluntarily welcome him into their lives. It must be a nice way to live your life.

“Often enough.” Jeongguk smiles. “I own the place.” Taehyung’s mouth drops again.

“You own the café? How? You’re only—how old are you?”

Jeongguk laughs and it sounds like bells. “Twenty five.”

“Exactly, twenty five! How can you own a business at twenty five? You rich or something?” Taehyung is shaking his head in awe.

“Not really, I just had some help.” Jeongguk’s still smiling, but there’s something behind it, something sad. Taehyung doesn’t like it one bit.

He leans forward, hands on either side of his untouched cupcake. “You part of the Korean mafia? It’s okay, I can keep a secret.” The words slip out of his mouth easily and even if it’s kind of lame, it’s the first joke he’s made in months.

Jeongguk laughs and everything’s okay again. “You’re crazy, eat your cupcake.” Taehyung complies and he’s instantly so happy that he did.

“This is the greatest thing I’ve ever eaten! Oh dearest cupcake where hast thou been all my life?” He’s bug-eyed and Jeongguk’s grinning.

“Do you like it?”

“Jeongguk, I love it.” And it’s not a lie, but at the same time he means so much more than the cupcake: being here, in this little café that Jeongguk somehow created with his own two hands, a place that holds so much of what he seems to be, Taehyung feels completely at home. He loves it all.

“Good, it’s my favourite. It’s a Hummingbird Cake.” Jeongguk reaches up to flick the little hummingbird lightly, making it wobble. As he does the light catches onto the hummingbird charm on his bracelet.

Taehyung feels like he’s in the best form of diabetic shock. “It’s amazing, tell your chef I’m in love.” There’s the sound of the door opening and a loud string of curses and Jeongguk nods his chin towards the commotion.

“Here he is, you can tell him yourself.”

Taehyung turns to see a short skinny guy with floppy black hair struggling to carry at least four bags full of groceries. Taehyung jumps up—mouth still full—to go help. The guy shoots him the most appreciative look.

“Dude thanks, you’re a lifesaver.” He says, his mouth naturally quirking upwards, as if he’s permanently smiling.

“I’m telling you Jongdae Hyung, you need to start getting this stuff delivered to the café.” Jeongguk says from Taehyung’s side, taking a bag off of Jongdae’s shoulder where it was expertly balanced. Jongdae should consider being a waiter with these kinds of skills.

“What? And pay that extra five ninety-nine? No thank you.” Jongdae looks offended and starts towards the kitchen.

“Don’t forget the five ninety-nine you still owe me from when we ran out of pine nuts.” Minseok calls from the counter.

“I’ll pay the charge Hyung.” Jeongguk sighs like they’ve had this conversation many times before.

“Don’t you even think about it Jeonggukie.” Jongdae sends him a threatening look over his shoulder and Jeongguk rolls his eyes at Taehyung. Taehyung finds himself almost smiling during the whole interaction.

“I’ll take that five ninety-nine Jeonggukie.” Minseok grins widely.

“One more outburst from you and I’ll make sure it’s taken out of your paycheck.” Jongdae says and Minseok raises an eyebrow.

“With what power? Besides, it was a business expense that I should be reimbursed for.” He argues.

“It was merely a luxury and you know it was.”

“You said it was a necessity!”

“I did no such thing.”

“Pay me back for the pine nuts Dongsaeng!”

“Best to leave them for a bit, they can go at it for hours.” Jeongguk whispers into Taehyung’s ear before leading him into the kitchen.

The kitchen is large with two windows that look into the back, revealing a small garden. The walls are pale yellow (like a familiar round room, Taehyung notes with a wrinkled nose) and covered with different recipes, all taped to the walls in a sloppy fashion. Most pages look torn out of different cookbooks, or printed from a machine that’s running out of ink.

It’s midafternoon, so the sun is shining through, making the metals of the machinery sparkle and the walls glow. Somehow though, Taehyung doesn’t mind as much.

“This is my favourite time of day.” Jeongguk says beside him. And when Taehyung turns to look at him, he notices that the walls aren’t the only things glowing. “I usually like to come and sit in here with Jongdae as he works and watch how the sun comes in. It really makes the room look magical, doesn’t it?” Jeongguk meets Taehyung’s eyes and there’s a spark in them that makes Taehyung unexpectedly nostalgic. It’s too similar to the way someone else used to look at him; too bright, too happy, too everything that Taehyung wishes he could have again. Too much of what he used to see whenever he looked in the mirror.

He looks away, setting the groceries down with that same general irritation he’s gotten to know so well.

“I hate the sun.” He says.

“Why?” Jeongguk’s tone is a mixture of disbelief and concern, as if he can’t comprehend how someone could possibly dislike the sun.

“Because it’s cruel. I’ve got to go.” Taehyung turns and slams through the kitchen door without looking back. He speeds past Minseok and Jongdae who pause their arguing to watch him leave. On his way out of the front door he bumps into a guy with thick eyebrows and a shocked look.

“Sorry.” He mumbles, bowing slightly. The guy smiles back, somewhat confused by Taehyung’s expression.

“Taehyung wait!” He can hear Jeongguk running to catch up to him. Taehyung tries to disappear down the sidewalk without a glance back, but Jeongguk catches his arm. He doesn’t like the feeling.

“Let go.” Taehyung snaps and Jeongguk instantly releases him, hands raised on either side of his face in surrender. Taehyung feels instantly bad, thinking back to when Sehun did the exact same thing to him. Jeongguk had helped him back then, and this was how Taehyung was repaying him? Who knew death would make someone such an emotional dick.

“Sorry.” Jeongguk says. “I just want to know what I did.” Taehyung can feel his stomach churning because Jeongguk didn’t do anything wrong.

“You didn’t do anything Jeongguk.” He says, eyes pointed at where Jeongguk had held him a moment ago.

“I don’t believe you.” Jeongguk says.

“I just need to go, okay? My friend’s probably really worried about me.”

“The friend who didn’t pick you up?”

“I’ll pay you back for the cupcake next week.” Taehyung turns to walk away but Jeongguk’s grabbing him again. Taehyung stops and Jeongguk immediately lets go.

“Shit sorry.” He says. “I just—let me drive you home at least.”

Despite himself Taehyung says “okay.”

He still doesn’t look over when Jeongguk makes a left hand turn, and goes up to Jimin and Yoongi’s apartment silently, leaving Jeongguk alone in his car.

Around one am Jimin wakes up to hear Taehyung talking to Minjae in his sleep:

“How was your meeting? I’m sorry I wasn’t at home to meet you, I didn’t know you’d come back…”

That night Jimin muffles his sobs into Yoongi’s shoulder wondering how much longer before Minjae can let Taehyung go.

It’s the third week of group therapy and Taehyung’s standing outside the building wishing he were still in bed. Truthfully the last thing he wants is to see Jeongguk again after his mini freakout at the café—something he’d rather bury and never have to address again. It was embarrassing.

Not to mention the fact that Jimin’s been acting all weird lately, like he’s walking on eggshells around Taehyung and when he asks Yoongi what’s up, he only gets a shrug in response. It’s like everything’s gone off kilter and Taehyung doesn’t know how to fix it. If two-weeks-ago-Jimin were here he’d shake his head and tell him to go to group therapy. So he does.

The walls are still yellow, at least that hasn’t changed. And when he enters the room twenty minutes late, he’s greeted by an overly enthusiastic “welcome!” from Hoseok and Joohyun’s waving hand, motioning for him to come sit next to her. Sehun’s still glaring and tapping his knee with his shaking hand, and the rest of the group watches Taehyung intently as he goes to sit down. Strange how, right now, group therapy seems to be the only consistent thing in Taehyung’s life.

But Jeongguk’s not there, and he strangely misses him. His absence feels painfully obvious, not only to him, but to everyone. Jeongguk was always the one who spoke first whenever Hoseok asked a question, or making jokes to lighten the mood—usually an anecdote about something that had happened to him during the past week that would have everyone doubled over in laughter.

It’s unbearable because Taehyung misses so much right now, he can’t stand anything else. Let alone anyone else.

He doesn’t realize he’s spaced out until he feels Joohyun’s fingers on him.

“You good Cutie?” She whispers, dragging her fingers around his knee.

“I’m fine.” Taehyung says, voice hoarse. He’s not in the mood today for her wandering hands so he bats them away like unwelcome ants at a picnic.

Jeongguk doesn’t come.

When the session’s ended, Taehyung is walking out in a daze. He doesn’t hear Joohyun’s heels clacking on the ground behind him, or feel the way she snakes her arm through his.

“So where should we take this party stranger?” She says, attempting a southern accent.

Taehyung shakes her off. “Go away Joohyun.”

“Someone’s snappy today.” She’s smiling, but her eyes are empty. They’re always empty. Taehyung wonders if that’s what his own reflect.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“You were in the mood last week, holding my hand and all.” She continues. “The way you held it so tightly, all I could do is imagine how it would feel rubbing up and down my—”

That’s it. “Enough Joohyun!” Taehyung turns on her, eyes blazing. She stops; smirk slipping away like soap.

“Taehyung—”

“No. Don’t say anything. Look, I was going to let this go cause it was obviously harmless and wasn’t going to lead anywhere but I’ve had enough. And the reason I held your hand last week was because you were crying about your dead boyfriend, and I understand how it feels to miss someone that much. But now the only thing I feel for you is pity. And I’m sure, wherever he is now, you’re boyfriend probably feels the same, having to watch you throw yourself around like a used—”

Joohyun slaps him so hard he loses his hearing for an hour.

“You bastard.” She’s crying as she walks away, car keys dangling in her hand. Taehyung rubs the side of his face, ashamed. She didn’t deserve that. Damn, he’s such an ass.

“Talk shit get hit.” Sehun’s almost smiling as he strides over to stand next to Taehyung, hands stuffed deep into his pockets.

“What do you want Sehun?” Taehyung mumbles, letting himself descend slowly into a crouch, hands running through his hair.

“You good?”

“I’m great actually, thanks for asking.”

Sehun huffs. “You don’t have to be a dick you know.”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “Ironic, hearing you say that.” After a moment of standing there, tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek thoughtfully, Sehun comes down so he’s in eye level with Taehyung. He doesn’t say anything.

“Why were you a dick to me?” Taehyung asks.

“Why were you a dick to Joohyun?” Sehun counters.

Taehyung exhales, exasperated. “Did you not just see that? She can’t treat me like that and expect me to take it.”

“Yes she can. And she will. Honestly Taehyung do you think you’re the only one grieving here? Just look at Jeongguk—”

Taehyung’s ears twitch at the mention of Jeongguk’s name. “What about him?”

“Well why do you think he’s absent today? He’s gone every month on this day.”

“What happened?” Taehyung asks.

“I can honestly say I don’t know. He’s never said. Everyone just kind of knows why he’s not here, he never misses group.” Sehun shrugs and slowly stands, hands on his knees. Taehyung doesn’t do the same, instead he’s staring out into nothing cause something doesn’t feel right in his gut.

“Sehun, are you driving?” He asks. Sehun looks at him like he’s an idiot.

“You stupid or something?” He holds up his shaking hand. “You think I can drive with this mess of a hand?” Taehyung feels like an ass once again.

“But my friend Jongin’s picking me up in three minutes.”

Standing outside of the Serendipity Café feels like he hasn’t been there in months, even though it’s barely been a week. The guy Taehyung had bumped into last time is busing some tables, watching him out of the corner of his eye, as if Taehyung were some kind of could-be-predator of unsuspecting cafés.

“Can I help you?” He finally asks, and it’s a kind tone. Of course it is; Jeongguk would never hire an unkind person.

His nametag reads Park Jinyoung.

“Yeah, actually, I’m looking for Jeon Jeongguk, the owner.” He adds the last part for good measure. Jinyoung’s eyebrows lift.

“Sorry, he’s out. Can I take a message?” He begins to pull out his notepad for taking orders but Taehyung holds up a hand.

“No, sorry, is there anyone who would know where he is?”

Jinyoung tells him that Minseok probably does, so Taehyung heads inside. On his way to the counter something catches the corner of his eye. There’s a photograph hidden among the various maps, it’s small, so Taehyung must’ve just missed it last time he was here. It’s of Jeongguk; he’s standing in front of the café, his arm wrapped around a small woman’s waist, his other hand throwing a triumphant fist in the air. In the woman’s hand, she’s holding a wooden spoon. They’re both smiling like that moment was the greatest of their two lives.

She must be the help Jeongguk was referring to last time they were here. For some reason the sight of the two of them looking so happy together makes Taehyung’s gut ache, and he has to move on.

Minseok is once again behind the counter, this time though he’s eating a cupcake with green frosting.

“Hope you’re planning on paying for that.” Taehyung says in an attempt at familiarity. Minseok smiles.

“Kim Taehyung?” Taehyung nods. “They usually just take it out of my paycheck, which at this point is probably worth twenty bucks.” He dusts off his hands.

“What can I get for you today?”

“I really need to talk to Jeongguk, and that guy—Jinyoung—said you might know where he is. He wasn’t at group today.” Taehyung tries to keep vague, hoping that Minseok is close enough to Jeongguk to know what Taehyung’s talking about.

Something clicks inside Minseok and he shifts, his shoulders becoming more squared.

“He’s out, can I take a message?”

Taehyung sighs. “Please Minseok. I’m worried about him.”

At this, Minseok’s expression grows confused. “Why’re you worried?”

“I don’t know, but I am, and he wasn’t here today, and something doesn’t feel right, and I want to talk to him. Please Minseok.” Taehyung’s blinking rapidly and Minseok’s mouth has formed a straight line, thinking. Taehyung watches as his eyes flick briefly over to where the photograph sits on the wall, then back to Taehyung.

“He’s at the Bogoshipo Cemetery.”

Taehyung sprints out of the café.

The cemetery is only a few streets over from the café, thankfully, and Taehyung makes it there within twenty minutes.
It’s a field, with a few gravestones lined in rows among the grass. There are barely any trees, so Taehyung can see to all corners of the area. He spots Jeongguk almost immediately because he’s the only person there, and he’s dressed in a black suit.

Taehyung wants to call out, but he feels like that’s a bit taboo in a cemetery, so he quietly walks over, still trying to catch his breath. He should really start thinking about hitting the gym.

Jeongguk is kneeling in front of a shorter grey stone with a bouquet of daisies in his hand. He’s talking; Taehyung can see his mouth moving as he places the flowers in front of the grave. He then bows, stands up, and bows again before noticing Taehyung standing there. His cheeks are stained with tears. They form two pathways leading down his face that remind Taehyung of the river he used to visit when he was a baby.

“Taehyung? What’re you—” He’s cut off by Taehyung reaching out and pulling him into a tight hug. Jeongguk hesitates a moment, probably due to how unaccepting Taehyung was last time of being touched in any way, before wrapping his arms around Taehyung’s waist, his face finding its way into Taehyung’s shoulder. Seeing Jeongguk standing there, relief floods through Taehyung’s body, the sense of urgency disappearing.

“What was her name?” Taehyung asks, thinking of the woman in the photograph, the woman Jeongguk must have loved so much, the woman he probably still did, with all his heart.

“Dasan,” Jeongguk sighs, and there’s so much pain in his voice that Taehyung’s chest clenches.

“I’m sorry Jeongguk.” He says and Jeongguk pulls back, arms still around Taehyung’s waist.

“But how do you know about her? Did Hoseok tell you?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “Sehun. Kind of. When I was at the café to find out where you were, I saw the photograph—”

“What photograph?”

“The one of you and Dasan.”

Jeongguk’s eyebrows are knitted together. “There’s no—” Something hits him. “Do you mean the photo of me and the woman in front of the café?”

“Yeah.”

Jeongguk’s mouth makes an o shape and he laughs quietly. “Um, that’s not Dasan,” Taehyung feels his stomach curl in anticipation. “That’s uh, Dasan’s mom.” And it drops.

“What?”

“That picture’s of me and Dasan’s mom—Jihyo—the day we opened the café. She was a baker and had always wanted to own her own bakery. I had always liked making coffee so we both took the business course at Seoul U, which is where we met. Five months later we created the Serendipity, and a year later Dasan was born.” Taehyung watches as Jeongguk’s eyes begin to grow glassy, and the lines on his face grow more prominent. He’s trying not to cry. At the same time there’s a tinge of pink on his cheeks: he must also be embarrassed.

“She was the greatest kid: full of so much love for the world, and she loved Jihyo’s cupcakes the best—especially her Hummingbird cakes. But when she was three we learned that she had a problem with her heart and that it—we couldn’t…” Jeongguk is crying heavily now, tears warm. Taehyung wipes them away silently, hands on his face.

“Stop Jeongguk. If it hurts you don’t have to—”

“No. No I-I want you to know this.” Jeongguk takes in a breath, gripping Taehyung’s hands still on his face, and continues. “A month before Dasan, uh, yeah, Jihyo signed her part of the café over to me, bought a train ticket back home and left. I haven’t seen her since, and that was two years ago. I think she couldn’t bare to watch our child…”

Taehyung’s heart is beating so hard he thinks it’s going to burst, and he wants Jeongguk to stop crying so badly. He hates that Jeongguk, with his bunny teeth and love for the sun, was left with nothing. He hates that Jihyo wasn’t strong enough for him.

“I’m so sorry Jeongguk.” Taehyung says, pulling Jeongguk in again so he can fold his face into the crook of Jeongguk’s neck and try to squeeze it all out.

Jeongguk does the same. And Taehyung doesn’t want to let go.

“I’ve never told anyone, really.” Jeongguk whispers into his ear. “Taehyung,”

Taehyung shivers. “Yeah?”

“I don’t know why but, on my way here, all I could think about was how I’d be visiting her alone again. And, for some reason, you popped into my mind, eating that cupcake, and you just—you looked so happy. And I wanted you to be here with me.” Taehyung’s breathing hitches in his throat as a strange feeling begins to tickle his chest. “And then you appeared. It’s like you knew.”

“It’s cause I did.” Taehyung whispers, and he feels Jeongguk smile into his shoulder.

“When was the last time you did anything fun?”

“When did He die?”

“A few months ago.”

“Well then, before that, obviously.”

“Taehyung, now I’m going to suggest something—and you can stop me if you want—but I think it’d be best for our talks to progress, if we stop associating your happiness with His presence.”

“I guess.”

“So the last time you did anything fun?”

“June.”

“What’d you do?”

“Taught my students how to paint rainbows.”

“It looks like he’s painting without his glasses.”

“It’s impressionism!”

“Or just a bad prescription.” Next to him, Jeongguk groans.

“How can you say that? It’s Monet, he’s like awesome and shit.”

Taehyung raises his eyebrows. “Shit is right.”

“Okay first you say you hate the sun, now you say you hate Monet, what else do you hate, chocolate? IU?”

They’re standing in a small art gallery that Jeongguk insisted they go to one week after group therapy, staring at the Impressionism section. It’s pouring rain outside, and Taehyung can hear it thumping against the skylight.

“Okay first of all, IU is completely overrated, and second of all, I live off of hot chocolate, so you, sir, are wrong.” Taehyung is walking away from the blurry picture of the bridge with what he assumes are flowers, down the hall, eyes sweeping over similar works, slowly making his way out of the section-of-people-who-can’t-see.

“How can you say that about IU? She’s a genius.” Jeongguk is trailing behind him, laughing.

“I prefer Girl’s Generation myself.” Taehyung says and snorts when he hears Jeongguk’s dramatic gasp.

“You heathen.”

Taehyung ignores Jeongguk’s whining and continues on. He’s about to hit the realism section when something stops him. He turns to see a small painting, tucked away in a corner, almost out of sight.

It’s abstract, of a street with four houses and what might be a church in the background. The houses are red and orange and blue, and the trees glow around the streetlamps. The street reflects it all as if it’s just rained. It’s wonderful, and there are two people standing in the centre. They’re leaning into one another, sheltered under a single umbrella. The scene makes Taehyung feel warm.

“I think they’re in love.” Taehyung whispers as he feels Jeongguk’s arm brush his own.

Taehyung is so focused on the painting that he doesn’t see how Jeongguk’s eyes shine like the pavement after rain when he looks over. “For once, I’d have to agree with you.”

Jeongguk offers to drive, but Taehyung would rather walk.

“Since when have you been a walking-in-the-rain-type?” Jeongguk smiles and nudges Taehyung’s side.

“Since ever. It just hasn’t rained in months.” The branches of the trees are shining like silver above them, lighting their way like in a song that Taehyung can’t remember the lyrics to.

“You’re right. Strange, isn’t it? Even for the summer.” Jeongguk says, oblivious to the way the corners of Taehyung’s mouth are drooping downwards.

“Yeah.”

“So, rainy, cloudy, or sunny?” Jeongguk asks and Taehyung blinks.

“Huh?”

“Your favourite weather: rainy, cloudy, or sunny?” Jeongguk is looking over at him with that same spark and Taehyung has to look away.

The instant response that comes to mind is cloudy weather, but that’s His favourite weather, not Taehyung’s. Taehyung can’t remember, truthfully; he’s spent so long wishing for things for Him, that he had begun to forget about himself.

“I don’t know.” He says, and the truth in the answer scares him. Jeongguk puts a hand tentatively on Taehyung’s arm.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, and he cares so much about the answer.

“I don’t know, I’ve just forgotten.” He’s getting annoyed, so Jeongguk doesn’t pry.

“Well, we know you hate the sun, so that just leaves us with two.” Jeongguk thinks, speeding up his pace so he’s walking backwards in front of Taehyung. His hands are in the pockets of his long coat and he’s smiling brightly like a child.

He tilts his head as he inspects Taehyung’s face. “You seem to like the rain.” He offers and Taehyung almost smiles. “But then again I haven’t seen you in cloudy weather yet.” Taehyung’s smile slips away instantly. Jeongguk blinks a moment before bursting out into laughter. It’s infectious and Taehyung can’t stop himself from joining in.

“Why are we laughing?” He finally asks. Jeongguk’s bunny teeth are out when he smiles:

“I think it’s rainy weather.”

Taehyung lets himself genuinely smile and it feels weird to use those muscles again. “That sounds alright.”

“Taehyung!” Jimin is jumping up from the couch the moment Taehyung opens the door, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. “Where have you been? I went to go pick you up at group therapy and you weren’t there.” He’s standing in front of Taehyung, hands on his hips, eyes angry.

“Where’s Yoongi?” Taehyung asks casually.

“He’s in bed asleep. Which is what I’d like to be doing, and where you should be.”

Taehyung heads over to the kitchen to look for something to eat, trying to get out of the line of questioning.

“Seems pretty tough to do without a bed and all.” Taehyung tries to joke, hands rummaging through the cabinets, but it comes out snappy. He hasn’t slept in his bed since He died.

“And whose fault is that?” Jimin follows him.

“Fault?” Taehyung snaps, whipping around so he’s facing Jimin, cupboard doors slamming shut. Jimin closes his eyes.

“I meant choice.” He sighs, tired.

“No you didn’t.” Taehyung grumbles, reaching for the kettle on the stove.

“Taehyung, lets just go to sleep, okay?” Jimin is pleading, eyes sad at watching his best friend filling the kettle, readying for tea that’s never going to be made.

“Do you like impressionism?” Taehyung asks suddenly, crossing his arms as he leans against the counter, their almost-fight already forgotten. That’s how it went most days: Jimin forgetting how sensitive Taehyung was about anything that could be Minjae related and saying something stupid, and Taehyung changing the subject faster than the speed of light.

It annoyed Jimin usually, but he would play along:

“I guess, yeah. It’s kind of cool.”

“So does Jeongguk.” It slips out of Taehyung’s mouth in a fond tone before he can stop it and Jimin’s eyes widen curiously.

“Who’s Jeongguk?”

Taehyung grabs a spoon off the counter, sticking it in his mouth as to prevent further disclosure of information. He immediately takes it back out and grimaces: it’s been used.

“A guy from group.”

“Is he who you were with?” Taehyung nods. “Well why didn’t you just say so? I thought you were just wandering around. Tae, I’m so happy you’re making friends.” Taehyung looks up to see Jimin smiling brightly, tears in his eyes.

“Hyung are you crying?”

“Hell yeah I am!” Jimin rushes over and engulfs Taehyung in a strong hug. “Tae, I never thought you’d open up to anybody ever again.” Jimin really is crying now, though he doesn’t look nearly as nice as Jeongguk did.

“He’s just a friend Hyung. No one’s opening up to anybody.” Though his answer made Jimin’s heart drop slightly, he was still happy.

“Still! It’s good you have someone there for you in a way Yoongi and I can’t be. It’s also nice to see you smile.” Taehyung doesn’t realize he’s smiling too until the kettle begins to whistle and it slips from his face. They both turn slowly to look at it, like the characters in a horror movie who hear footsteps behind them.

“Want some tea?” Jimin asks quietly, hands still on Taehyung’s shoulders.

“Do we have any hot chocolate mix?”

“Yeah, let me get it.”

Taehyung falls asleep almost instantly that night, thinking about the red and orange houses, and the two people on the street, standing side by side and in love. For the first time in what feels like forever, Jimin doesn’t hear Taehyung talking in his sleep, and he realizes that before he had gotten distracted, Taehyung’s first instinct hadn’t been to fill the kettle.

For his sixth week of group therapy Taehyung catches a ride with Jeongguk.

“You going to share today?” Jeongguk asks, breaking the—surprisingly comfortable—silence. He’s making a left-hand turn so Taehyung’s looking out the window when he speaks.

“Probably not, TBH.”

Jeongguk wrinkles his eyebrows, grin stretching wide across his face. “TBH?”

“To be honest.”

“Man, what will you kids think up next?” Jeongguk laughs as Taehyung whips his head over. Jeongguk’s staring out the windshield, the street in front of them reflected in his eyes.

“Yah! I’m two years older than you.”

“Practically an old man. I’m happy you’re keeping hip with the lingo then.” Taehyung’s laughing along now; there’s something about the way Jeongguk’s eyes getting all crinkled at the edges that warms Taehyung’s insides.

“But seriously though, why don’t you want to share?” Jeongguk flicks his eyes over. “It’s been more than a month. Practically everyone else has shared.”

Taehyung’s warmth suddenly drains as he crosses his arms tightly. “I’m just not comfortable.”

“With the others? They’re all really nice trust me—”

“No it’s not that it’s just…I can’t even say His name yet.” Taehyung is shaking and he feels ashamed at how weak he must seem to Jeongguk.

Jeongguk inhales slowly. “Oh.” He sounds disappointed. Taehyung squeezes his eyes shut because he doesn’t want Jeongguk to be disappointed in him. The thought of that makes his chest hurt.

And Jeongguk has no idea how much Taehyung wishes to be like him. He wishes that he could be as bright and caring; that he could light up a room when he enters, or sell cupcakes with pastel frosting and sit in a yellow kitchen to watch the sun.

He wants so much to be okay.

“When I was little, the one thing I wanted more than anything else was to be able to sound like Louis Armstrong.” Taehyung says, breaking the silence. “I didn’t care about whether or not I could even sing well, I just wanted to be able to open my mouth and have this completely unexpected voice come out. And I’d charm audiences around the world: the eight-year-old boy with the voice of a chain smoker.”

They’re at a red light and Taehyung allows his eyes to slowly drift over to Jeongguk. The younger is staring at him, his kind mouth open just a little bit so Taehyung can see his two front teeth. His eyes are shining again with that same expression that sent Taehyung running a few weeks ago. It still makes Taehyung’s gut twist, but he can fight it this time.

Instead of running, he reaches up and lightly pushes Jeongguk’s chin up so his mouth closes. Jeongguk’s hand immediately takes Taehyung’s, but it’s soft and not threatening in any way. It’s almost caring.

“You were gawking.” Taehyung whispers, realizing how close they’ve suddenly become. He doesn’t remember moving forward.

Jeongguk blinks. “I just can’t imagine how He could ever leave you.”

“Do you see it that way? As Him leaving you?”

“Not really. It feels more as if He was taken from me. Stolen. I think that’s worse cause I don’t think He wanted to leave.”

“I’m sure He didn’t.”

“But I can see how Jeongguk could see it that way, Jihyo disappeared, then his daughter passed away, it must have felt like everyone was leaving him. Alone.”

“You seem to really care about Jeongguk…Taehyung?”

“Can we talk about something else?”

When they arrive, Joohyun has moved her seat so she’s a good meter or so away from Taehyung. It’s been this way the past few weeks, and still Jeongguk gives him a questioning look when Taehyung sits, but all he can do is shrug in response. He knows what he’s done wrong, and he feels guilty that he hasn’t been given a chance to make things right.

As Hoseok begins to go over his plan for today, Taehyung leans to the side, so he’s slightly closer to Joohyun. She doesn’t acknowledge his presence, arms and legs both crossed away from him. Her mouth is a flat line.

“Joohyun—”

She cuts him off. “Don’t talk to me.” Her tone is sharp at the edges, as if she’s trying as hard as she can to slice Taehyung to pieces.

“I’m really sorry."

“And I really don’t care.”

“Joohyun,”

“Why don’t you just shut up and pay attention to Hoseok?”

Hoseok’s suddenly looking over at Taehyung: “…And I was thinking that our newest member Kim Taehyung could contribute to today’s session.”

Taehyung’s ear catches his name. “What?”

“I was hoping that you could share today.” Hoseok grins brightly and across the circle Jeongguk gives him an encouraging thumbs up.

“I’m sorry, I’m not ready yet. How about next week?” Taehyung’s about to continue trying to apologize to Joohyun when Hoseok interrupts again:

“I respect that you want your privacy, but I don’t see how—as a group—we can all move along in our healing if you’re not willing to do the same.”

Taehyung looks over at Hoseok’s kind expression, annoyed. “Then just move along without me.”

“Kim Taehyung,” Hoseok snaps, as close to losing his patience as Taehyung thinks he’s ever seen. Across the circle, even Jeongguk’s eyes have rounded, shocked at the change, and he’s known Hoseok the longest.

“I’m just trying to do my job.” Hoseok sighs, exasperated. “All I’m asking is for you to try. Please.”

Taehyung’s stricken by how real Hoseok suddenly looks; no overly enthusiastic expression, no sugar-sweet tone; just plain, honest Hoseok. Taehyung likes this guy a lot better.

“I wouldn’t bother Hoseok.” Joohyun speaks up suddenly. “Taehyung’s not interested in sharing.”

“How do you know that Bae Joohyun?” Hoseok asks.

Joohyun scoffs. “Cause he doesn’t want to get better. All he wants to do is sit there feeling sorry for himself, listening to the rest of us pour our hearts out. You think that he might actually want to be here, but he doesn’t care about any of us. Not Yewon’s brother, or my boyfriend, or anyone. He’s just waiting to find something that he can use to hurt us.” She stops speaking for a moment to turn and look Taehyung straight in the eye. “It feels better to see people other than yourself in pain right?” Her words are harsh, and hit Taehyung right between the eyes like a splash of cold water. The two of them stare at each other.

Hoseok clears his throat. “We all form our own ways of coping this is true. But it takes time to make it through the five steps”—Hoseok motions to a poster that reads: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance—“and we need to allow Kim Taehyung to take it at his own pace. Right? I don’t think it’s fair to make these kinds of harsh assumptions. Especially considering how long it took for you to open up as well Bae Joohyun.”

Joohyun looks away, mouth twisting in irritation.

There’s a collective nod around the room at Hoseok’s words and a few people give Taehyung kind smiles, but he can’t get Joohyun’s voice out of his head, reminding him over and over how much he wants to not feel anything anymore.

After the session ends, Taehyung sits in a daze, not even registering how the rest of the group leaves, a few stopping by to give his shoulder a squeeze. He doesn’t hear Yewon’s voice telling him to get lots of sleep, or notice how even Sehun gives him a concerned look before heading out. The only time he snaps out of his reverie is when someone crouches down in front of him, arms crossing on his thighs.

“Tae,” Jeongguk whispers. “It’s time to go.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know what stage I’m in would you? You know, of the grief thing.” Taehyung asks, staring down at Jeongguk’s arms resting on his lap.

Jeongguk shrugs. “Are you angry?”

Taehyung shakes his head. “Not really. Just annoyed like, all the time.” He hesitates a moment, seeing Jeongguk nodding in his peripheral vision. “It’s just cause it hurts all the time, you know? And it won’t stop…I just want it to stop, I’m so tired.” He lets his head fall forward onto Jeongguk’s arms. They feel warm against his skin.

“I know Tae, I know.” Jeongguk leans forward so his forehead is resting against the top of Taehyung’s head.

“I haven’t even cried. Not even at the funeral. And the weird thing is that I used to cry all the time: movies, books, when I was happy, when I was angry. And now, I can’t figure out how to turn it back on. I’m like a well that’s run dry.” Taehyung isn’t crying when he speaks, but his words sound so sad and his throat clogs up. “I just don’t get it.”

Jeongguk sticks his nose in Taehyung’s hair and exhales slowly. It’s strangely calming.

“You’re surviving Tae, that’s all there is to it.”

Saturday night, three days after group, Taehyung is sitting on his couch/bed with Jeongguk watching A Moment to Remember. On the table in front of them is a stack of Jeongguk’s deemed “saddest movies of eternity” in an attempt to get Taehyung’s tear ducts working again.

“I’m positive that once we get it moving, it’ll all come out.” Jeongguk says as he puts the DVD in the machine. “And what better movie to get that started with than Son Yejin getting early on-set Alzheimer’s?” Taehyung gives Jeongguk an uneasy smile as he plops down on the couch next to him.

“You ready to cry your eyes out?” Jeongguk asks, remote in hand, finger hovering over the play button. Taehyung inhales for a second before nodding.

The final scene comes with Son Yejin in the convenience store and Taehyung’s still dry as a bone. Jeongguk, on the other hand, is dabbing his eyes heavily with a Kleenex.

“How?” He asks, looking over at Taehyung with a pink nose. Taehyung shrugs.

“It was sad, yeah, but it didn’t really hit me I guess.”

Jeongguk sighs, still determined. “Alright. Let’s kick it up a notch.”

They watch My Girl and I and Taehyung barely bats an eyelash. Jeongguk clucks his tongue and goes rooting through the pile.

“How about a foreign film then?” He puts in Harold and Maude.

“Okay that was just weird.” Taehyung says when it’s over. Jeongguk, who’s wiping his cheeks furiously, huffs.

“It’s romantic.”

“It’s creepy. They have sex and stuff.” Taehyung shivers at the memory.

“Cause they’re in love! That’s what people who are in love do!” Taehyung fake gags in response.

They try Grave of the Fireflies and the Classic (which starts Jeongguk sobbing) before Jeongguk declares that he’s given up.

“What do you wanna watch then?” He grumbles; arms crossed like a pouting child. Taehyung rolls his eyes even though he honestly finds the whole thing endearing, and begins to look through Jeongguk’s movies. Nothing really pops out at him except for one that seems out of place.

“Peter Pan?” He says, holding the movie up. Jeongguk looks over.

“I brought that one to watch afterwards, kind of like a pick-me-up. I love that film, it’s the live-action version.”

“I read the book as a kid but I’ve never seen this.” Taehyung says, turning it over to read the back.

“Want to watch it then?”

When the credits roll, Jeongguk is smiling, his chest feeling warm from the movie. Especially the scene where Wendy and Peter finally kiss (it’s his favourite part), he gets this little pocket of happy in his stomach at watching Peter realize he’s in love with her.

He hears a sniffle and looks over to see Taehyung staring straight ahead, tears streaming down his face heavily, shoulders shaking.
Jeongguk immediately reaches to put his hands on Taehyung’s face like how Taehyung held him in the cemetery, wiping away the tears.

“What’s wrong?” Jeongguk asks, a frantic look in his eyes. “Are you hurt?”

Taehyung blinks and a few more tears fall. “That movie, it was just so sad. They wanted to be together so much, but they couldn’t, and she never sees him again and I just—” He’s cut off by a large sob escaping from his chest. Jeongguk shushes him, telling him it’s okay.

“I can’t believe it. You didn’t even bat an eye at Grave of the Fireflies, where children literally die, but Peter Pan sends you reeling.” Jeongguk almost laughs, but seeing Taehyung’s upset expression, he holds it in.

“I just don’t understand why they couldn’t be together.” Taehyung whispers after a moment, calming down a bit. Jeongguk opens his mouth to respond before clamping it shut, not knowing exactly what to say.

He scrambles for words, hands still on Taehyung’s cheeks. “But it’s not that bad right? Wendy finds a husband and has children, and Peter comes to visit them along with other kids in the world. So in the end, they’re never really alone.”

Taehyung stops to consider this a moment before his face falls again. “But Wendy’s kiss was for him.”

“I think that maybe her’s is like Mrs. Darling’s, and it’s there for her to remember her first love. It’s sweet.” Jeongguk says hurriedly and Taehyung begins to chuckle quietly, wiping his face. “What?”

“Nothing it’s just, when I first saw you, I remember thinking how your mouth reminded me of Mrs. Darling’s.”

Jeongguk hesitates a moment, removing his hands from Taehyung’s face slowly. “You were looking at my mouth?”

Taehyung blanches. “Well it sounds really creepy when you say it like that. I just meant that I thought you had a kind mouth.” Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow and Taehyung groans. “Oh god never mind, please forget I said anything, and that I’m secretly a huge creep.”

Jeongguk laughs lowly and Taehyung can feel his fingers sliding in circles around his knee.

“What do you think now?” Jeongguk asks quietly and Taehyung can feel his face grow hot as he looks up.

“What?” He stutters, and Jeongguk meets his eyes, fingers moving upwards and along Taehyung’s forearms. Taehyung can feel goose bumps form as his pulse begins to race.

“Do you still think about my mouth?” It’s barely a whisper as Jeongguk draws nearer. He reaches up to slip a hand onto the back of Taehyung’s neck lightly and Taehyung’s breath hitches, eyes never leaving Jeongguk’s.

“Just when you speak.” Taehyung admits and Jeongguk smiles, his hand is playing with the small hairs at the edge of Taehyung’s neck, twisting them around his long fingers.

“Should I keep talking then?” He whispers, and Taehyung can feel Jeongguk’s breath on his face. His heart is racing, but he can’t bring himself to feel any sort of discomfort in their closeness.

It’s almost…nice, and he wants Jeongguk closer.

Taehyung blinks. “I-if you want.” Jeongguk looks at him a moment, still an inch apart before smiling brightly, any suggestion of anything more gone from his eyes.

“Alright.” He moves to stand up, brushing off invisible crumbs from his pants and heading towards the kitchen. “Do you have anything to eat? I’m not really hungry, so I’m thinking ramen?” He calls over, opening cupboards. Taehyung sits frozen on the couch, pink dusting his cheeks, and anger beginning to bubble in his stomach.

What did Jeongguk think he was doing? Did he think it was funny to play with Taehyung like this and make a fool out of him? And now he has the audacity to ask for food?

He stands up and uses his toe to roughly open the DVD player with a bang. Jeongguk’s head snaps over at the sound, and he watches Taehyung shove his hands in his sweat pant pockets, eyes on the floor.

“No.” He replies gruffly, starting to shuffle past the kitchen. “It’s getting late, maybe you should—” He’s stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Are you okay?” Jeongguk asks quietly. Taehyung shakes him off.

“I’m fine. I’m just tired and the couch is kinda my bed so…” He says, still not meeting Jeongguk’s eyes.

Jeongguk quirks a knowing eyebrow, a smirk making it’s way onto his face. “Are you mad at me?” Taehyung shakes his head but Jeongguk’s still grinning.

“You so are! Look at you, you won’t even look at me.” Taehyung can feel his blood beginning to boil at Jeongguk’s mocking. How was it Taehyung had thought this guy was so nice before? It’s irritating how Jeongguk has this much control over his emotions.

Jeongguk’s still laughing: “Tae…Tae, look at me!”

“Just stop talking Jeongguk!” Taehyung snaps, finally meeting Jeongguk’s eyes. He’s staring angrily at the younger boy, but Jeongguk doesn’t look fazed in the least.

“I knew it.” He whispers before reaching his hands up to Taehyung, pulling him in, and connecting their lips.

There’s a moment of shock, where Taehyung’s body goes completely numb, his eyes pop open wide, and he’s not registering anything; his mind a blank slate. Then Jeongguk moves his lips, and Taehyung loses himself. His brain becomes all fuzzy and he reaches his hands up to Jeongguk’s face desperately, pulling them even closer together. He kisses Jeongguk back and he can feel Jeongguk’s heart pounding against his own.

They pull apart a moment to catch their breath, but just barely, their foreheads still pressed together. Taehyung is panting and as he looks into Jeongguk’s eyes, all he can feel is his body wanting more. Jeongguk must be able to read it in his face because he leans forward to capture Taehyung’s lips in his own again. They stay there like that for a moment before Jeongguk reaches down Taehyung’s back and lifts him up. Taehyung’s automatic response is to wrap his legs around Jeongguk’s waist as Jeongguk perches him atop the counter.

Taehyung can feel himself getting warm: sweat forming at the edge of his hairline and dripping down his face.

Jeongguk takes his lips away and begins to kiss Taehyung’s neck, sending shivers down Taehyung’s spine. Taehyung’s vision is blurry as he tries to focus. On the kitchen island in front of them, he notices a box of mint tea next to Jeongguk’s backpack. Taehyung’s eyebrows furrow because how did he not notice it before? It was strange, neither Yoongi nor Jimin drank tea, and Taehyung hadn’t touched the stuff since He—

Something begins to shift in his stomach, and the heat is starting to become unbearable.

He lifts his hands to Jeongguk’s shoulders. “Jeongguk…” He whispers, and his voice is hoarse. Taehyung pushes lightly against his shoulders. “Jeongguk.”

“Taehyung,” Jeongguk mumbles back into the skin of his neck only it’s different. It’s not Jeongguk’s voice, but one that Taehyung hasn’t heard for almost three months now.

His voice. And it’s pressing against Taehyung like an enclosing wall, making it difficult to breathe.

“Get off!” Taehyung screams, shoving as hard as he can to get it to go away. He hears a thud and opens his eyes to see Jeongguk leaning against the kitchen island, eyes wide and concerned.

Taehyung’s chest is heaving, and he can feel his eyes pricking with tears. His mind is still all fuzzy and he can’t think properly. But he needs to get away.

“Tae,” Jeongguk says. “Tae what’s wrong?” Taehyung shakes his head furiously and drops off of the counter, blinking. As he makes his way around the island he stumbles a bit, his knee giving out. Jeongguk reaches out and catches him.

“Let me help.”

“Don’t!” Taehyung jumps away from him, frowning. “Just don’t touch me.” Jeongguk releases his grip instantly, watching Taehyung like he’s a tiger about to pounce.

“I won’t. But you have to tell me what’s going on.” Jeongguk’s eyes are large and confused and Taehyung doesn’t want to look at him.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Taehyung mumbles.

“Done what?”

Taehyung can feel himself growing frustrated because his head is buzzing now, and he can’t stop remembering His voice saying his name over and over.

“Kissed me! You shouldn’t have done that, why’d you do that?”

Jeongguk looks stricken. “I thought you wanted me to.”

“Why would I ever want that?” Taehyung can feel the bite in his tone, and he knows Jeongguk can too. Neither of them move.

“Because you have feelings for me.” Jeongguk says after a moment. He’s staring intently at Taehyung, who’s pacing back and forth like a crazy person.

Taehyung stops suddenly, eyes on the box of tea on the counter behind Jeongguk, and it’s as if he can feel Him there, watching them.

“I don’t think I can do that.” Taehyung says, his voice cracking. Jeongguk steps forward tentatively and when Taehyung doesn’t make any move against him, he rushes forward to wrap his arms around Taehyung’s shoulders. Taehyung allows himself to be bundled within Jeongguk’s presence, almost like a shield against the rest of Taehyung’s world.

“I know you can do anything Tae.” Jeongguk says, rubbing his hand up and down Taehyung’s back. It’s so comforting that Taehyung never wants to leave, but at this point, he can feel the inevitability of it in the air. Everyone has to leave eventually; Jeongguk should know that better than anyone.

“I feel like I’m betraying Him.”

“Don’t you think He’d want you to be happy?” Jeongguk whispers into Taehyung’s hair.

“Do you think that’s what Dasan wants for you?” Taehyung asks, pressing his cheek into Jeongguk’s shoulder.

“I know it.” He knows Jeongguk’s smiling. “She was the happiest all the time. And she loved it best when Jihyo and I were smiling.” He unwraps one arm from around Taehyung to show him the charm bracelet. Taehyung reaches up to touch the charms gingerly, watching them bob against Jeongguk’s skin.

“This was her’s, but she was only a baby when Jihyo gave it to her, so she never got any charms. She had so many favourite things it was so difficult to choose what to put on it after she passed on. I chose a Christmas tree because Christmas was her favourite holiday—she loved the lights, a humming bird because of her Mum’s cupcakes, and a train because she always wanted to ride a train.” Jeongguk pauses to take a shaky breath. “There were a lot of things she never got to do. But at the same time, she was perfectly happy with what she had. I want to live like that for her.”

“You talk about her so wonderfully.” Taehyung whispers.

“Talking helps. You should try it.” Jeongguk gives him a small smile. Taehyung sighs and moves away, turning his back to Jeongguk.

“No thank you.” He mumbles.

“Why not?”

“I think we both know why.”

“We’re all hurting Tae.” Jeongguk says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Yeah but it’s different!” Taehyung almost yells, the frustration growing within him again. He wants it to go away, but the only person who can do that is Him and that makes it even worse.

“How is it different? Talk to me.” Jeongguk says desperately, something Taehyung can’t distinguish in his voice. “Tell me about the left hand turns. Help me to make you happy again.”

Taehyung looks straight into Jeongguk’s eyes to say these next words because he knows they’ll hurt and he can’t help but want to see someone other than himself in pain: “He’s the only one who can make me happy.”

Joohyun was so right Taehyung wants to throw up. And the look in Jeongguk’s eyes is enough to kill Taehyung right then and there. He fights back the tears that are now threatening to spill over as Jeongguk steps back, arms falling loosely against his sides.

“Okay,” Jeongguk says, and his voice is something Taehyung’s never heard before. “Okay, point taken.” Taehyung wants to say something, anything to make Jeongguk smile again like before, but he can’t. He can’t because he knows it’s better this way. Taehyung could never be the amazing person Jeongguk deserves. Taehyung could never be happy the way Jeongguk wants him to be.

He really wishes that he could be everything for Jeongguk.

The door clicks and Taehyung can hear Jimin’s voice as the front door swings open:

“You have to admit you totally had the hots for our waiter!” Jimin is laughing as he enters the apartment, followed by an exhasperated looking Yoongi.

“I did not.”

“You so did! Tae, you’ve got to hear this story—” Jimin cuts himself off when his eyes land on Taehyung’s face. His eyes flick from Taehyung to Jeongguk momentarily before Jeongguk moves to grab his backpack off the counter and swing it over his shoulder. He makes his way to the door without a word.

Yoongi and Jimin step aside to let Jeongguk through. No one says anything until the door clicks shut.

“Tae, who was that guy?” Jimin asks finally. Taehyung turns away.

“Just some guy from group.”

“Was that Jeongguk?” Taehyung nods. “What happened? I thought you guys were friends.”

Taehyung doesn’t answer; his eyes sweep over the box of mint tea that has now fallen to the floor, spilling the tea bags everywhere. Jeongguk must have knocked it over when he left. Jimin and Yoongi watch as he shuffles over to scoop the tea back into the box silently.

“You going to make that?” Yoongi asks. Jimin sighs sadly before walking over to crouch next to Taehyung. He watches him for a moment before taking the tea out of Taehyung’s shaking hands and finishes cleaning up for him.

Taehyung doesn’t move until Yoongi comes over to lead him to the couch to go to bed.

If Taehyung thought that running away from Jeongguk before felt bad: he had no idea how much worse pushing him away would feel. It was almost like he had reverted back to the person he was right after the funeral. He doesn’t get off the couch, he barely eats anything—his only craving is for a certain type of cupcake from a certain café, but he knows he can’t go there.

Instead he searches up abstract paintings of rain hoping to stumble upon the same one that had enchanted him all those weeks ago, and he doesn’t boil any water. What’s the point? It won’t change anything.

He also misses two weeks in a row of group therapy.

“Want to tell me what happened?” Jimin asks one day, setting a mug of hot chocolate overflowing with whipped cream down on the coffee table before settling down onto the couch next to Taehyung.

“No.” Taehyung responds, eyes focused on the window. It’s sunny again. What he would give for it to rain…

“Why not?”

“Cause it’s embarrassing and I don’t wanna.”

“I love you, but you’re honestly the most infuriating person I’ve ever met.” Jimin exhales, exhasperated. “You know it’s group therapy today right?” Taehyung doesn’t respond. “I take it you’re not going.”

“I don’t want to go anymore. It’s not like it was helping or anything.”

“I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I think it was.” Jimin says. “I hadn’t seen you do anything in months, then all of a sudden you meet this Jeongguk guy at group and you’re talking about impressionism and smiling. Not to mention the fact that you haven’t boiled water in a while either and you had begun to feed yourself for a change. Now you can disagree with me if you want, but I’d go far enough to say that you were actually getting better.”

“Look at me Jimin, do I look better to you?” Taehyung says bitterly, staring down at his hot chocolate. “The only good thing group therapy did for me was make me realize there’s no point in hoping for anything anymore.”

He hears Jimin mumble something harsh under his breath before standing up.

“Fine. I give up.” He throws his hands in the air as he begins to walk away.

Taehyung gives him a confused look. “What?”

“I’m done with this Taehyung.” Jimin snaps. Behind him, Yoongi shuffles out of their room; obviously haven just woken up (even though it was midday), eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

“Done with what Jimin? Me in mourning?” Taehyung rolls his eyes. “Nice, real nice. What a great best friend I have, huh?”

“You’re like this cause you want to be.” Jimin says finally, his tone stern. “And it’s because I’m you’re best friend that I’m sick of looking at it. You’re so much stronger than this Tae, you can do anything, but now, you just give up when things aren’t as easy as you had hoped; you let yourself hide and regress, saying that there’s no point.”

I know you can do anything Tae.

Taehyung shakes his head, blinking back tears.

“You expect too much Jimin.” He says.

“I expect you to get off my damn couch and go outside. Is wanting you to live your life too much to ask for?” Taehyung’s fists clench at Jimin’s words.

“Jimin.” Yoongi says from his spot leaning against the hallway wall. “That’s enough.”

“How can you just stand there calmly and watch him destroy himself? I’m just trying to get him to feel something again.”

“I do feel things Jimin.” Taehyung snaps, loud enough to make Jimin freeze in place. “You have no idea what it feels like to not only lose someone, but to lose a part of yourself. And it’s so much worse because all I can do is think of Him and all His favourite things, and all the places He liked to go, so how can I possibly live my life when I don’t even know how to? How can I go on being Kim Taehyung when I don’t even know who I am without Him anymore?”

Taehyung can feel the tears of relief streaming down his face as the frustration and irritability drains away to reveal all the things Taehyung didn’t even know he had bottled up over the past few months.

He blinks and a few more tears slide down his face.

“I’m so sad Jimin, and I know you don’t care, you’ve made that plenty clear. But I’m so sad, and so lonely. And I wish I could just text Him like I used to. I’d just pick up my phone and text Him about anything and everything and He’d respond. It was simple, sometimes He’d humour me, and other times I could see His face in my head, how the corner of His mouth would upturn and how His eyebrows would quirk and He’d say ‘you’re crazy’, but I’d smile cause I knew when He said ‘you’re crazy’ what He meant was ‘I’m crazy about you’. And I’d be left wondering, how this guy, this person who I can’t even imagine in my wildest dreams, was happily crazy about me.”

“Tae…” Jimin whispers, but Taehyung doesn’t even hear him.

“But I can’t do that anymore. And it’s so frustrating and confusing that even the simplest things that you don’t even consider turn out to be the things you miss the most…” Taehyung’s chest is so full he thinks it might burst, but he can’t stop talking. “I just miss Him so much. And I’m so confused cause whenever I see Jeongguk it’s like I’m back in that car again, and He’s making that left hand turn and I’m so in love but He’s dead…Minjae’s dead.” Silence falls upon the three of them when Taehyung says His name. “He’s dead and I don’t know what to do cause I think I’m in love with someone who’s not Him and that can’t be right, right?”

Taehyung’s red eyes slowly make their way up to meet Jimin’s, which are equally as watery, and he breaks out into a sob, but he’s smiling. He’s smiling because it feels as if he’s just released a huge weight that had been dragging him down, and now he’s swimming to the surface again.

Jimin rushes forward and envelops Taehyung in a hug.

“I think it’s perfectly right Tae.” Jimin sighs into his best friend’s hair, squeezing him tight. It had been so long since they had hugged like this, and the thought was making Jimin want to cry even harder.

They both hold each other and cry for what feels like a beautiful eternity before they hear Yoongi’s voice from the hall:

“Hey look, it’s raining.”

Taehyung has horrible cardio—that’s been established—but because he’s running to Jeongguk, he manages to find the strength to continue on until he’s reached his destination.

He gets to the therapy building in record timing, still dressed in his sushi pajamas and soaking wet, his bangs clinging to his forehead. He rushes into the room with a crash: much like the way Jeongguk had made his entrance into Taehyung’s life and changed everything.

Everyone seated turns instantly to see what the commotion was, including Jeongguk. He’s wearing a fuzzy pale blue sweater and he doesn’t look like he’s been sleeping well. Taehyung knows the feeling.

No one has said anything yet, so Taehyung gives them all a weak smile and sticks his thumb over his shoulder.

“It’s really coming down out there.” He says. Yewon smiles in return and Sehun raises a slightly amused eyebrow.

“I see. Why don’t you take a seat Kim Taehyung?” Hoseok motions towards Taehyung’s empty seat next to Joohyun. He makes his way over quickly, leaving little wet footprints in the carpet. When he sits down, he notices Jeongguk staring at them intently. He bites his lip and begs for Jeongguk to look up at him the way he used to.

“Well Kim Taehyung, seeing as you’ve been absent for our last two sessions I just thought I’d let you know what you’ve missed.” Hoseok smiles brightly. “Now I know you’re really set on not sharing, which I firmly respect—”

“I’ll share.” Taehyung cuts Hoseok off and everyone stills. Jeongguk’s eyes snap up from the floor, but his kind mouth remains a straight line. He knows not to get his hopes up too much at this point.

This time, as he speaks, Taehyung doesn’t stand.

“Five years ago, I fell in love with a guy, his name was Kim Minjae. He was tall and handsome and always knew how to make me laugh. He also really liked trot music. And on our first date we were driving somewhere and he was making a left hand turn,” Taehyung pauses for a moment to look up at Jeongguk, hoping he’d remember. Jeongguk’s eyes brighten a bit in recognition so Taehyung continues:

“And I looked over at him and…I don’t know. I just fell in love with him.”

Yewon speaks up, gingerly raising her hand. “Didn’t you say he was making a left hand turn?”

Taehyung laughs sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah. Yeah, I fell in love with the back of his head.” Everyone laughs at this, and Jeongguk allows himself to smile a little bit. Even though it’s not a lot, it’s enough to make Taehyung grin widely.

“I don’t know, there was just something about the way his hair curled a bit in the back, and the way his finger flipped on the turn signal, but I just fell hard. Five years later, he was at another intersection, looking out the window to make a left hand turn, and was killed by a drunk driver.” And everything in the world stops; like a pen dropping during an exam.

“Oh god…” Yewon whispers. Even Joohyun looks over sympathetically; cool composure breaking a bit at the edges. Tears begin to form in Taehyung’s eyes. If this were three months ago, Taehyung would have never allowed himself to get this far, share this much of what he and Minjae had together. But he had done it: he had talked to people who understood. So he didn’t wipe the tear that escaped from his eye, and instead let it roll slowly down his cheek.

“And it was really hard, it still is, cause it felt—in a strange way—that if I were to be the one to keep living, that I had to do it for Him, so if I were to get better in any way, it would have to be with Him in my heart.” Taehyung takes a breath and allows his eyes to meet Jeongguk’s, even when they’re all red and puffy.

“But that’s not living, not really, and it kept me hidden away for all these months, from really opening up. It kept me from really allowing myself to be happy, accepting that others could make me happy. But I’ve realized this, and I’ve decided to start living with Him, as opposed to for Him. I’m going to begin to figure Kim Taehyung out more from now on.”

There’s a silence as everyone watches him in awe, probably amazed that Taehyung had any ability to speak at all. It’s enough to make Taehyung smile, darting his eyes around the room.

“But don’t you just hate him?” A voice sounds out from the circle and everyone’s attention is diverted. Taehyung looks up at the source of the voice.

It was Sehun.

He’s staring off to the side, thinking, his eyebrows wrinkled in disgust. His hand is picking up speed on his knee and next to him, Jeongguk watches.

“What?” Taehyung says, leaning forward in his chair.

“The drunk driver who killed Him. Don’t you wish it were him that died that day instead of Minjae? Doesn’t it just make you so angry how they can just take and take without any consequences and you’re the one left with all the hurt? Doesn’t the unfairness of it make you just want to scream—”

A strong hand is placed over Sehun’s shaking one, cutting him off. He pauses to catch his breath, tears pouring out of his eyes like they may never end. Taehyung wonders how long they’ve been held inside.

“It’s just not fair.” He mumbles and next to him Jeongguk squeezes his hand.

“It’s not, but in the end we all have to live with the consequences. I know it may seem like you’re the one who is left with all the aftermath, but don’t think for a second that the guy who drove through that light doesn’t see Baek’s face every time he closes his eyes. Or Minjae’s.” Jeongguk’s eyes flick over to Taehyung, who’s watching and listening like Jeongguk’s words are giving him the answers to the universe, a slight sparkle in his eyes. “So I don’t think you should hate him, I think you should feel sorry for him.”

As Jeongguk’s finishes, Sehun’s hand stills and he glances over to Taehyung, whose eyes prick because he understands the hurt Sehun’s feeling. The confusion. The anger. The aimlessness.

“Well said Jeongguk.” Hoseok is relieved at the sight of Sehun’s calming composure. “And thank you Taehyung, it’s always hard talking about our losses, but I think that right now, sitting in front of me, you’re on your way to a smooth recovery. Congratulations.” Around him, everyone begins to clap, and Joohyun nudges him playfully with her elbow.

Taehyung smiles. “Thank you.” But he’s not looking at Hoseok when he says it, cause as cheesy as it may sound, from here on out, there’s only one sun in Taehyung’s eyes, and it’s not the sun that evaded the storm clouds, but the one who helped to make them rain again.

The downpour has ended by the time the session ends, and Taehyung is standing in the foyer, waiting for Jeongguk to get out. He’s meticulously going over all the things he can and should say to him when he feels a shaking hand being placed on his shoulder. He whips around and sees Sehun standing there with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Hey,” He mumbles awkwardly.

“Hey Sehun.” Taehyung responds, giving him a smile.

“I just wanted to apologize. For being a dick to you before. You didn’t deserve that.” He scratches the back of his head, eyes never really meeting Taehyung’s.

“It’s okay, I get that you must have had your reasons.”

“You just reminded me of someone who I really loved.” Sehun’s expression is downcast and Taehyung’s breath hitches in his throat.

“Someone dead?” Wow, great tact you got there, Kim Taehyung.

Sehun nods slowly. “Yeah. Someone dead.”

Something clicks in Taehyung’s mind.

“Was it Baek?” Taehyung asks softly, in an attempt of seeming like a kind, sympathetic person again.

“Byun Baekhyun, yeah. He…” Sehun struggles for a moment. “We were in the car together when the driver hit us. It’s why my hand shakes like this. My doctor says it’s a trauma thing. Baek was kinda the love of my life so…” Sehun sniffs and gives Taehyung a small smile. “It just freaked me out cause you look like him a bit. Especially when you smile. You…you should do it more.”

Taehyung does. “Thanks Sehun.” Sehun nods and waves a shaking hand before heading out to a waiting car. Taehyung can see Jongin waving enthusiastically as Sehun approaches. If only that boy knew how in love with him his best friend was…

“Wow, first braving the rain to get here, then actually talking, then getting Oh Sehun to share all of his secrets with you.” Taehyung turns to see Jeongguk standing in wait. “You’re really on a roll today Kim Taehyung.”

Taehyung grins. “You have no idea.” The words are barely out of his mouth when he surges forward and captures Jeongguk in a kiss, arms wrapped around his neck. Jeongguk leans forward, smiling into Taehyung’s mouth.

Taehyung pulls away, pressing his forehead against Jeongguk’s. “I’m so sorry Jeongguk. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that, it was mean and unfair and you deserve so much better than me, but I’m willing to try.” Jeongguk gives him a small peck on the nose, interrupting his thoughts for a moment and he has to focus to get his words back. “I want to be happy Jeon Jeongguk. And I want to be happy with you.”

The biggest grin that Taehyung has ever seen breaks across Jeongguk’s face and he connects their mouths again, kissing him like it’s been years.

“So how are things going now?”

“Better honestly, loads better. I’ve moved back into my and Minjae’s apartment and I’m working on packing up some of his stuff to give to his family. It’s been really hard, but Jeongguk’s with me so that helps.”

“Are you two dating now?”

“Kind of. We’re taking it slow. But you know what they say, slow and steady wins the race.”

“Here it is! Jeonggukie, here it is!” Taehyung gasps as he rushes forward, tugging Jeongguk along down the art gallery hallway, his eyes trained on a certain painting of lovers together on a rainy night. He stops in front of it, eyes scanning it dreamily, trying to memorize every aspect of it. It had been almost a year since he had seen it last.

“Luxembourg Night.” Jeongguk reads the little sign placed on the wall next to the painting. “Dang, that’s kind of boring. I was expecting something more dramatic like, Fire—cause there’s so much red. Or, The Most Beautiful Moment in Life.” Taehyung clucks his tongue, laughing.

“You’re ridiculous. You can’t accept that sometimes, simple elegance is the thing to strive for. It’s why you prefer IU over Girls Generation.”

“Okay, don’t you dare bring up IU unless it is to praise her on her fantastic musical abilities.” Jeongguk raises a finger. “First rule of relationship.”

Taehyung smiles as he reaches over to Jeongguk’s hand and interlocks their fingers. The action brings a cute grin to Jeongguk’s face and he drops the IU subject. For now: if there’s one thing Taehyung has learned from being with Jeongguk for a year now, it’s that the boy liked IU.

“What would you name it Tae?” Jeongguk asks, motioning their interlocked hands towards the painting.

Taehyung thinks a moment before the title of his favourite Louis Armstrong song pops into his mind:

“I Surrender Dear.” In a way, the title seems to fit, not only with the painting, but the journey he had to take to get to where he is now with Jeongguk.

It’s like the corner piece of their puzzle.

As he looks at it a bit longer, he notices that there’s a third figure in the painting. A man, also holding an umbrella, and he seems to be watching the two others silently from a distance. Something twitches in Taehyung’s stomach and he doesn’t realize that he’s crying until Jeongguk is wiping his face, hands still clasped tight.

“I’m happy that you’re finding happiness again Taehyung. You really deserve it.”

“Thanks, I have to say, I was a bit worried there for a moment that I wouldn’t be able to find it again.”

“I never doubted that you would Tae…”

“You never really did,”

“Not one moment until the very end. Even now, not ever.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too.”

“It was really nice talking to you. It helped me work through…a lot. You were always a really good listener.”

“I think he’s better though.”

“Maybe a bit.”

“I love you Kim Taehyung.”

“I love you too Kim Minjae. Goodbye.”

“Were you talking to someone Tae?” Jeongguk says groggily as he wraps his arms around Taehyung’s waist. Taehyung looks over at his sleepy boyfriend and smiles, mug of hot chocolate in his hands. He’s sitting at the window of their cabin in the train on their way to visit Jeongguk’s parents.

“Not anymore.” And he smiles as he feels a familiar pair of hands drift away, only to be replaced by a new, sturdier pair that keep him together, and keep him continuing on his way to the surface, where now, all he needs to do is float.