Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Night was the hardest time.

During the day, River was getting better at holding herself together. Cracked, someone had called her once, and she always would be, but it was a step up from shattered and the cracks didn't show up as badly any more. She held herself together with her arms and her hands and her mind, and it was hard but not as hard as it had been before Miranda.

At night, though, when the ship was quiet but for the spinning of the engine and hum of minds dreaming, it was harder to avoid cutting herself on the knives buried in her mind. Digging out the blade of Miranda and the secret of the Reavers had helped, once the bleeding had stopped and the scab had started to form. The wound still ached, but there was a solid point in her mind that hadn't been there before: the knowledge, the certainty, that she hadn't been wrong, hadn't been crazy, not about that. And now others shared the secret she'd carried.

That knife was out in the open where everyone could see it, and that gave her the space to manoeuvre around the other sharp edges in her head, start piecing together some of the shattered bits of her self. It gave her space to focus on the reality of what was going on around her. During the day, she could smile at Simon and Kaylee and how glowingly happy they were together. She could listen to the captain as he taught her about flying a ship and independence and loyalty. She could tease Jayne at meals by filching the bread off his plate before he could react, just for the pleasure of his irritation, so resigned and accepting that it was a reassurance all its own.

Nights were a different matter, and River mostly wandered the ship. Listening to Simon and Kaylee was always interesting, but they projected feelings that swamped her – too much heat and longing and desire – and she couldn't handle it for long, had to get out of her quarters and further away from them, where she could have more space inside her head.

Some of the time she sat curled up in the co-pilot's chair on the bridge. She'd promised the captain that she wouldn't try to fly Serenity without him there yet, so she simply sat and watched the instruments and readings, the reassurance that they were still all alone out in the black. River liked watching the stars. The bridge and the engine room, those were Serenity's mind and heart, and River liked to curl up there and listen to Serenity murmur to her.

Sometimes she sat in the corridor above the crew quarters and listened to Jayne and Mal dreaming. Jayne's dreams were refreshing in their normality compared to everything around her; he dreamed of his family, of beautiful women, of the solid heft of a gun in his hand, of the kind of craziness a normal subconscious threw up when sleeping. Mal's dreams were less reassuring, but struck more of a chord with her: dreams of being chased, of people cutting the ground away beneath him piece by piece, of flying free where no one could touch him.

River didn't know what Zoe dreamed about these days, because Zoe didn't sleep much any more. She lay awake in her bunk, thinking of Wash and trying to hold herself together, and halfway through the night she would get up and walk around the ship too. River was always careful then to stay away from where Zoe was, leave her alone with Wash's ghost on the bridge, leave her to her solitude in the dining area. She didn't want to intrude, but more...

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship, the Operative had told the captain, and he'd been right. If she'd wandered in a different direction on Beaumonde and Serenity had left before she'd been triggered... If she'd been able to bear the idea of leaving earlier... If she'd been strong enough to cope with the secret of Miranda alone... A thousand different things she might have been able to change that would have meant Zoe would still be whole, that Wash and Shepherd Book and so many others would still be alive.

Better to avoid Zoe than to be one more reminder to her and bring her even more grief.

River ran her hand across the panels of instruments in front of her. They were still on course, holding true. The captain had plotted a route that should keep them under the radar and take them as far away from Mr Universe's moon as possible before they had to test whether the Alliance was going to come after them.

They would, River was sure. There were too many knives in her mind, too many secrets she didn't understand herself. They'd worked too hard to forge her into a weapon to let her fly free. There had been too much blood and pain and –

She balled her hands into fists and forced herself to breathe deeply, to wait out the flood of chaos and panic, to focus on the stars until things slowed and settled again.

Distantly she realised that Zoe was getting up, leaving her bunk, and River stumbled to her feet and towards the stairs, leaving the bridge to the one with the greater claim.

---

Night was the hardest time, Zoe thought.

During the day she could keep busy. It was two weeks since they'd left Mr Universe's moon behind them, and they still hadn't finished fixing the ship up. They'd spent a week doing all the emergency repairs before they'd left the moon, of course, but there were a hell of a lot of smaller jobs still needing doing. The captain always had a long list for her whenever she needed one.

And if they both knew he was as good as inventing some jobs to give her something to do, it wasn't something they needed to talk about.

They didn't talk that much at all these days. There wasn't much to say. But he was always there, a solid presence at her back when she needed someone to anchor her. She knew that he knew how torn up she was, but she also knew he never once doubted her ability to do her job and put herself back together eventually. And she needed that confidence now.

During the day she kept busy, and things were getting... less difficult, maybe. Kaylee had stopped watching her with that tragic expression on her face, sympathy Zoe couldn't cope with right now. Much though she loved Kaylee and her generous heart, Zoe needed to just keep going right now, not have people reminding her all the time of what she'd lost. She had enough reminders all around her.

It was hard to sleep in the bed she used to share with him, suddenly empty and cold in a way it had never been when he'd just been putting in a late shift on the bridge. They'd lived their lives together on this ship, and he was everywhere she looked, even if she'd never get to see him again.

She avoided the bridge during the day. There was almost always someone there, or the likelihood that someone would come along at any moment, and she couldn't handle them looking at her up there, seeing every crack in her composure. At night, though, she could sit in his chair and look out at the stars he'd loved, and force herself to remember the good times, not the sound he'd made as he'd died.

Tonight, though, as she came onto the bridge, she was surprised and annoyed to find she wasn't alone after all, though her irritation evaporated at the sight of River stumbling hastily towards the stairs at the front of the bridge.

"River?"

The girl tensed up and turned slowly, her head bowed. Zoe felt a pang of concern at the sight of her, the hair falling across her face. She hadn't seen much of River in the past few weeks, busy keeping herself busy and River seemingly occupied elsewhere; but for what little Zoe had seen of her, she'd seemed to be doing much better. She didn't look it now.

"Sorry," River muttered, turning away again, her voice low. "Sorry, sorry, didn't hear you in time, I'll –"

Zoe noted that, but let it go for now. "Sit down with me for a spell if you're awake anyway, little one. I wouldn't mind some company." She was surprised to realise it was the truth. She'd planned on being alone with her memories, but in a way it was a relief to have something else, someone else to focus on instead.

River hesitated, and Zoe nodded firmly to the co-pilot's chair, settling into Wash's chair herself, and after a moment River obeyed and sank into it, pulling her knees up and hugging them tight against her chest.

"You okay?" Zoe asked. The girl was shaking slightly, and her eyes were focused on the stars outside in a way which made Zoe wonder if she was even seeing them.

River took a deep breath. "I'm okay," she said, and her voice wavered but not as badly as Zoe was expecting. "Just got – lost." Her grip on her knees loosened slightly, and she blinked and turned her head to look in Zoe's direction without meeting her eyes. "Okay now. I can go –"

Zoe shook her head before the girl could stand. "There a reason you feel you need to stay away from me, River?" Because she was putting together the pieces now, and she was starting to think there had to be a reason why she'd never seen River outside of meal times for the past two weeks.

Of course, she realised belatedly, it could have something to do with the fact that the inside of her head couldn't be a real enjoyable place for a psychic right now. "Unless –"

"No, no," River interrupted, meeting Zoe's eyes properly for the first time, wide and painfully sincere. "Not that, she doesn't..." She broke off, clearly gathering herself again, and lowered her gaze. "I don't want to remind you. Don't want to make things worse."

Zoe considered that, but no, she still couldn't make any sense of it. "I ain't a reader, River. I'm gonna need you to explain that one."

River tightened her grip on her legs again. "Don't want to remind you of why he died," she said without looking up. "Don't want to remind you that if it wasn't for – if I hadn't –"

"You think I blame you?" Zoe said, and she could hear that her voice was far too harsh, but she hadn't expected this and it was hard to talk about him.

"Like that," River said softly, her voice thick with tears. "Not blame, not exactly, but a reminder, make you think about it..."

"I don't blame you, River," Zoe said, suddenly tired down to her bones. She paused, hearing her words out loud, and reminded herself that she was talking to a reader. "Not the way you think, anyway. There's times as I blame everyone – the captain, myself, Wash himself. Times I blame the whole damn 'verse. That's just – that's just what grief does to you, all right? So don't go taking anything you might have heard to heart. None of what happened was your fault. Not nobody's fault, really. We all made our choices. Wash too." She took a deep breath. "As for reminders, I got them all around me, everywhere I look. You ain't no different. So you've got no call to go avoiding me, dong ma? There's times when I want to be alone, true enough, but I don't need you running from me. Dong ma?"

River looked up and met her eyes again. Zoe wondered if she was looking into her mind, trying to see the truth there.

River's mouth twisted into a half-smile. "No," she said, "not how it works. But I understand."

Zoe decided to change the subject, maybe for both their sakes. "Well then, how about you tell me what you've been doing the past couple of weeks."

"Helping to fix Serenity," River said, uncurling slightly from the ball she'd tucked herself into. "Patching her hurts. I like that."

"Kaylee told me you've got a knack for the electrics and wiring and such," Zoe said. "And that's praise, coming from her."

"Like it," River said again softly. "Figuring out how it all works, how to put it all back together again." She looked up, expression a little nervous. "And the captain's been showing me how to fly her."

Zoe forced a smile to reassure the girl. "I know, he mentioned that to me."

"I'm sorry," River said, looking back down at her knees.

Zoe reminded herself again that she was talking to a gorram reader, and she'd better damn well be honest, because lying to River in an attempt to protect her would only hurt her worse. "I won't lie, it's hard to think of anyone else sitting in this chair. But we need someone to keep this ship in the air, and it ain't enough to only have me and the captain with any idea how to fly her. I'd rather it was you than have the captain hire a new pilot. I've got no problem with it, River. You enjoying it?"

River's smile was blinding in its suddenness. "I love it. Love Serenity, love being out in the black, soaring free... You have to think when you're flying, have to concentrate, it helps me focus. I still need help with that," she said, her smile turning wry.

"Well then, that's good," Zoe said.

The girl uncurled and straightened gracefully; Zoe noted the contrast to how River had been stooped and stumbling earlier, and was glad. "Thank you, Zoe," she said softly. "I'll leave you in peace now. Simon and Kaylee have gone to sleep, I might be able to as well."

"That why you're up wandering around in the middle of the night?" Zoe asked. She hadn't heard them at night, which probably meant they'd been sleeping in Simon's quarters.

"Part of it," River said. "Don't sleep much these days." She flashed a quick, hesitant smile at Zoe and vanished down the hallway towards the kitchen, in the direction of her quarters.

Zoe settled down more comfortably in her chair, still thinking about that conversation. She'd always had a soft spot for River; she had some idea of what the Alliance was capable of doing in the name of progress, and she'd felt badly for the girl. It hadn't really been until River had outwitted that hun dan of a bounty hunter that Zoe had started to trust her, though. And now... it was good to see her finding her way out of her head. Not to mention that it would likely be damn useful for them, too.

She sighed and lifted one of the dinosaurs from the console, turning it over in her hands. She'll never be you, baby. No matter how much of a crazy genius pilot she ends up becoming, she'll never be you. God, I miss you.

---

River wasn't on the bridge when Zoe got there the following night, but when she went for a final walk around the ship a couple of hours later, she found the girl in the cargo bay. She paused on the catwalk, watching.

River was all liquid motion, spinning and whirling with such grace that it took Zoe a moment to realise that she was fighting, not dancing. Sparring with the air, or perhaps the shadows inside her head, with vicious kicks and wicked slams of her arms.

Zoe hadn't seen River fight before. She'd left the Maidenhead before things went to hell, and the blast doors at Mr Universe's base had closed before River had really gotten started. She'd seen the bodies of the Reavers the girl had killed and the tape of River taking out everyone in the bar, but it wasn't the same as seeing her move for herself. Zoe started down the stairs towards her.

At her approach, River whirled to a stop and smiled wryly. "Haven't gone crazy again. Crazier. Don't need to worry."

She could hardly deny that the thought had crossed her mind. "You're very good."

River shook her head. "Conditioning, not training. It's not the same." Before Zoe could try to make sense of that, she went on, "I wanted to see if I could. If I can. I fought when they triggered me, and I fought while I was at the Academy, but I didn't know if I could fight for myself. By myself."

"You seemed to do fine at the base," Zoe said, flashing back again to River standing over the bodies of the Reavers.

"I had to," River said softly. "Simon – I was... upset. I had to. But when I don't have to..." She smiled, small and painful to see. "Makes people nervous, not knowing what I'm capable of. Makes me nervous sometimes too. I don't know either, not really. Need to start figuring it out."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "I'd offer to spar with you, but judging by what I just saw I'm pretty sure you'd wipe the floor with me," she said. Which was a pity, really. There was a restlessness in her blood tonight, frustration with the situation they were in and how much she missed Wash, and a decent fight might have been just the thing. Maybe she'd go drinking with the captain in some Alliance-friendly bar next time they landed.

River cocked her head to the side. "Would you?" she asked. "Only if you really want to, but I'd like..."

"Don't think it'd help you none," Zoe said honestly. "I'm decent, but you're in a different league."

"You're good," River disagreed, "and you've had training. Know the rules, know how and when to break them. Experience. You don't flinch when I move ways you think I shouldn't be able to. Not afraid of me. It would help me." She paused, then added, "And you want to. I wouldn't ask if you didn't, I wouldn't – but if you'd like it too..."

Zoe considered, but decided she couldn't see the harm in it. If River had been less good, she wouldn't have felt right sparring with the girl. But as things stood, she was confident that River could more than hold her own.

Besides, even if it turned out the Alliance had decided they weren't worth chasing after any longer, the lives they led didn't lend themselves to peace and tranquillity. Sooner or later, River was going to end up in a situation where she needed to use her fighting skills to survive. Zoe knew she was probably the best sparring partner for River on the ship – Jayne was Jayne, damn good to have at your back in a fight, but too simple in tactics and abilities to be any kind of challenge for River. The captain would be a better match, but Zoe wasn't sure he'd be able to look past River's fragility to really fight her. Whereas Zoe had no such scruples. She'd seen kids younger than River die in the war for lack of training and been sickened by the waste each time. If River thought she could learn from it, then Zoe would fight her, and she'd do it properly.

River's smile was luminous, and Zoe found herself smiling back, not particularly perturbed that River had clearly been listening in on her thoughts. "That's a yes, as I'm figuring you've already gathered," Zoe said, and shrugged out of the shirt she'd pulled on over her top when she'd gotten out of bed.

"I gathered," River admitted, still smiling. "Thank you, Zoe."

"You won't be thanking me when I'm done with you," Zoe said, only half-joking, and dropped into a fighting stance. "Don't go easy on me."

Sparring with River was a unique experience and a unique challenge. The key was not to think, only act, something Zoe had mastered during the war when any additional split-second before acting could have gotten her killed. It meant that Zoe stood at least half a chance of River not reading her move before she even made it. The other tactic that occasionally worked was to think as hard as she could about one move, and then make an entirely different one.

Even so, even when she did manage to catch River off-guard, the girl's reactions were lightning fast and she recovered quickly. She was capable of moves Zoe wouldn't have thought were possible, incredibly flexible, and her blows and kicks carried more of an impact than Zoe would have expected. She'd clearly taken to heart Zoe's instruction not to go easy on her, which was pleasing, both because it meant they'd both get more out of it, and because it meant she had enough respect for Zoe's abilities that she felt able to spar with her seriously.

Eventually they stopped, and Zoe grabbed her shirt to wipe the sweat off her face. "You're damn good. And if you were worried about being able to fight while in your right mind, I reckon you just proved you can."

River smiled slightly. "It helped. Thank you. Learned a lot." She looked down at the floor. "Enjoyed it, too."

Zoe studied her. "You don't sound too happy about that."

River darted a look up at her before returning her gaze to the ground. "I was a dancer," she said. "Then they took me and twisted me all around. Taught me – conditioned me – to fight. Made me a weapon. But now I enjoy it, almost the same way I enjoy dancing."

"I can understand how that would unsettle you," Zoe allowed. "And there ain't none of us on this ship who're ever going to force you to fight if you don't want to, and you need to know that. But there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. It don't mean you're going to go out there and attack anyone for no reason. Maybe they made you a weapon, but you just proved you're in control of yourself, didn't you? I enjoy a good fight myself, and it don't make me a killer. And just you try to keep the captain out of an Alliance bar on U-Day. Nobody's going to judge you for enjoying it, River. I enjoyed this round myself, so thanks for that."

"Thank you," River said again, smiling more easily now. "Might be able to sleep now."

"Reckon I might myself," Zoe agreed. "Maybe we can do this again sometime."

"I'd enjoy that," River said sincerely, and headed for the stairs. "Good morning, Zoe."

Zoe checked her watch as River darted up the stairs. Almost five, ship's time. She'd always held that morning didn't start until you'd slept, but River had a more literal turn of mind. Zoe shook her head and returned to her own bunk.

Her bunk, now. Sometimes it was the small things that got to her the most.

Sparring with River had been a good distraction and one she'd sorely needed, but she couldn't avoid thinking of Wash for long. Didn't want to.

She pulled on one of his shirts in place of the one she'd worn before, one of the hideous shirts that had so bothered her when she first met him, but which she'd slowly come to love just for how much she associated them with him. Then she curled up in their bed – still their bed, and she hoped that wouldn't change any time soon – and tried just to breathe for a while.

---

Nights were hard, but some days were pretty tough too.

River still wasn't sure exactly what had set her off – a stray thought in someone's mind, maybe even her own, she didn't know. All she knew was that panic had flooded over her, wiping out all other thought.

She was getting better at hiding it when that kind of thing happened. Even from Simon, who still watched her closely, but not quite as closely as before. On good days, she told herself that it was because she was getting better and didn't need him as badly as she once had. On bad days, she wondered if it was because of Kaylee, if he enjoyed being with her more than with River. If he was relieved that he didn't need to be quite as vigilant any more.

She tried not to think like that, because it wasn't fair. She was happy for Simon and Kaylee, especially glad that Simon had found a reason to be happy on Serenity, after all he'd given up for her.

Simon hadn't noticed the panic hitting her that morning – no one had, except maybe the captain, watching her from the end of the table. But he hadn't drawn anyone's attention to her, and she'd appreciated that. She didn't want Simon to make her take more drugs, didn't want to cushion her mind by filling it with fog. The fog didn't stop her from cutting herself open on the knives in her mind, just made her numb enough not to care that she might be bleeding out. She was well enough not to need that now, or wanted to be.

The panic had passed after a few moments, but it had left her feeling exhausted and edgy, not properly focused on the world around her like she'd been managing lately.

"How about you just watch today, little one?" the captain said when they went up to the bridge.

River settled into the co-pilot's chair and stared at the instrument panels in front of her as if through a fog. "Have to learn," she said. "Have to..."

"Everyone's entitled to an off-day," the captain said, "even you."

"I ought to be able to do this," River said, frustrated with herself.

The captain didn't look in any way perturbed by her outburst. "Ain't no 'ought' to it, darlin'. You don't need to be anything other than what you are. Like I say, everyone has their off-days. And when you're having one, I'd personally prefer you accept it rather than fly us into a moon just so's you don't have to admit it to me."

River couldn't argue with that, she supposed. "Feel like I'm letting you down," she admitted quietly.

"Day you let me down, I'll let you know," the captain said with a certainty that made her feel better. "But until that day comes knocking, darlin', don't you go fretting on that, dong ma?"

River nodded and leaned back in her seat, letting herself drift for a while, reassured by the warmth of Mal's mind and the humming of Serenity around her and the peace of the black outside.

When she became properly aware of her surroundings again, she was still curled up in her chair, and the captain was humming softly under his breath in the other seat, the ship on autopilot as he plotted a course for later that day. And thought about the way Inara had smiled at him the night before.

"I'm glad she stayed," River said softly.

Mal turned to look at her. "Mite unsettling when you do that, you know."

River smiled. She felt better now, stronger for having passed through the storm without harm, and the captain's tone was teasing, not annoyed. "Not to you, it's not. You've never minded."

The captain raised an eyebrow, but didn't bother to argue the point. "You're looking a sight better," he said. "You want to take her for a bit while I finish plotting this course?"

"Please," River said, and uncurled to stretch and then disengage the autopilot and take control.

It often wasn't necessary to have a pilot on the bridge while in the black itself. Landing or taking off, that took more than a computer, but once a course was set, the ship could mostly fly itself unless something unexpected cropped up, which was why there were proximity sensors and other warning systems in place.

Even if it wasn't necessary, River enjoyed it.

"When we reach Jiangyin, I'll let you handle the landing, if you feel up to it," the captain said.

River beamed. She'd only been allowed to watch when they'd landed at the training house to allow Inara to collect her belongings, though Mal had relented enough to go out in the spare shuttle with her and let her practise taking off and landing and docking. "All useful skills," he'd said, and it was true, but she'd also known it was practice for her to do the same things with Serenity.

"How long is it going to take us to get there?" she asked.

"Another couple of days, the route I've picked out," Mal said, finishing programming the course into the console and leaning back, turning to watch her movements as she guided the ship. "Still trying to stay off the grid until we get there."

"Then we'll see what happens," River said softly.

"Jiangyin's a long way out, little one," the captain said reassuringly. River had a feeling that if her brother had said the same kind of thing, Mal would have thought he was questioning his decision. Then again, he probably would have been right. River wasn't questioning; she just liked additional data. "Enough Alliance presence that we can get a notion of what to expect from them in future, but far enough from the Core that it isn't likely to be anything we can't cope with. I'll feel better when I have more of an idea of what our status is now." He shot her a glance. "That said, you feel anything off when we get there, you let me know right away, got that?"

River nodded definitely, reassured by his confidence – in her, in all his crew and his ship to handle whatever might come.

"Now," Mal said, getting to his feet, "I'm gonna see about making some tea. You want a mug?"

River blinked and looked up at him. It wasn't the tea that surprised her; it was that he was apparently willing to leave her here alone on the bridge, flying Serenity, while he went to make it. True, the kitchen wasn't far away, and making tea wouldn't take long. But that he was confident enough in her to even suggest it – and on a day when she'd had a bad phase – that was truly startling.

"Don't got no coffee at the moment to offer you," Mal said gently when she'd stared at him a bit too long. "It's tea or water."

"Tea, please," River said, and forced herself to turn back and concentrate on flying. "Thank you, Captain."

"It's just tea," the captain said gruffly, and left the bridge.

River smiled out at the stars. "It's not," she confided in Serenity, and the ship hummed with contentment around her.

---

"Good," Zoe said, "that's much better."

River twisted in her grip again, and this time broke free, pivoting to show the punch she'd follow up with, but not putting any weight behind it.

Zoe nodded her approval. The girl learned fast as hell. She hadn't known much about the kind of fighting she could use in a normal bar fight without attracting unwanted attention. It was tricky for her to pick up, because River generally did know several moves that would have laid Zoe or any fool stupid enough to go up against her flat out on the floor. Learning less effective moves was counterintuitive, but River was getting the hang of it. Better that she be able to fight the way the rest of them would – even that would raise eyebrows, given how young and slight she was.

"Right," Zoe said briskly, "my turn. Show me that drop again."

Their sessions had continued and become a regular routine. Sometime in the middle of each night they met up in the cargo bay. They spent a while with Zoe training River, whether in the finer niceties of bar brawling or in how to put her more intense skills to best use, before swapping, with River teaching Zoe some of the techniques she'd been trained in. Zoe was pretty sure that she'd need to swap out all the muscles in her body for rubber to be flexible enough to pull off some of River's moves, but others were simpler, and it was good for her to expand her repertoire. As far as she was concerned, you were never too old to pick up a few new tricks. Afterwards, they'd spar properly until they were both worn out enough to sleep. It was a routine Zoe had come to appreciate over the past few weeks. Even if she was staying up half the night, she was sleeping better once she did return to her bunk than she had before they'd started their little sparring sessions.

River demonstrated the move they'd been working on the previous night again, dropping down low and sweeping a leg out to tap Zoe's legs. Zoe pursed her lips, then tried it herself. It took an attempt or two to get back to the level she'd been achieving towards the end of the previous night, but though she was improving, she still wasn't close to mastering it.

"Need to drop faster," River observed helpfully.

"I realise that," Zoe said, "it's the doing that's the problem." She straightened back up and ran her mind through the move again, trying to figure out where the problem was.

River cocked her head thoughtfully to one side, then whirled without warning into a spin, aiming a kick right at Zoe's head. Zoe didn't have time to curse or think; she reacted on instinct, and was genuinely surprised to find herself dropping, her leg lashing out just the way she'd practised, sweeping River's legs out from underneath her and sending the girl tumbling.

River laughed out loud from where she was lying on the floor. "The doing isn't that much of a problem."

Zoe blinked, still catching up, then laughed a little herself and got to her feet, reaching out a hand to help River up too.

"Did I miss the invitation to some kind of party down here?" a voice came from the catwalk.

Zoe looked up at the captain, who was staring down at them. She supposed seeing the two of them sparring at this time of night was bound to be a bit unexpected. "Hello, sir."

"You had a better invitation, that's all," River said next to her, which didn't make a lick of sense until Zoe saw the way Mal flushed and didn't glance at Inara's shuttle.

"So she finally invited you in, sir?" she said, smiling widely at Mal's discomfort. River giggled.

"That's – you – the point is, what are you two doing up in the middle of the night, beating the gou-shi out of each other?" Mal rallied, walking down the stairs towards them.

"That what we were doing, River?" Zoe asked.

"No," River said, "that bit doesn't come until the end."

Zoe kept a straight face. "We're sparring, sir, that's all. Training."

"Training," the captain repeated, reaching the bottom of the stairs. "There some reason you've got to do this training in the middle of the night?"

"Quieter at night," River said. "Fewer distractions, fewer eyes to see."

"If that's your way of saying you do this at night to avoid Jayne gawking, I –" Mal paused, then finished, "well, I can completely understand that." River giggled again. "Even so, I need the both of you sharp."

"Of course, sir," Zoe said. "Sleep well, River."

"Goodnight, Zoe, goodnight, Captain," River said, and danced off up the stairs towards the guest quarters.

"Training," Mal said as he and Zoe fell into step together, heading back towards their bunks. "Any particular reason?"

"River thought it would be good for her, and I agreed," Zoe said honestly. "She's going to need to fight again sooner or later, and it'll do her good to have a better idea what she's capable of. And it's good for me to stay sharp too. Don't suppose I'll be able to pick up too many of her tricks, but it can't hurt none."

Mal nodded thoughtfully. "You two do this every night, then? How long?"

"Couple of weeks now," Zoe said, somewhat surprised herself to realise it had been that long.

"I ain't objecting none," Mal said carefully, "but I wasn't lying about needing both of you sharp. We'll be arriving at Jiangyin the day after tomorrow, and I need my first mate conscious, Zoe."

"I'll get some sleep now," Zoe promised. "So, Inara invited you into her shuttle, huh?"

Mal ran a hand self-consciously through his hair. "Yeah. Yeah, we... talked."

"And a bit more'n that, I'm guessing," Zoe said, unable to suppress a smile at how flustered the captain looked.

"Yeah, well," Mal said, and kicked the stairs of his bunk out into position. "Night, Zoe."

"Night, sir," Zoe replied, and continued on to her own bunk and its stifling emptiness.

She slept, though. She'd promised.

---

"You're planning to take on passengers, sir?" Zoe was surprised, for some reason. Maybe it was something to do with what had happened the last time they'd taken on passengers. Considering they'd managed to pick up a fed, a fugitive, a stowaway and a preacher with some decidedly non-religious skills, Zoe couldn't help but feel she was entitled to an ounce of scepticism about the idea.

The captain knew exactly what she wasn't saying, of course. Generally speaking, neither of them needed to be a reader to know what the other was thinking. "I know the last time was a bit of a..."

"Disaster?" Zoe supplied helpfully.

"Disaster," Mal agreed. "But we need to suss out who's still willing to work with us before we can line up paying work. At least ferrying some passengers around will give us some money coming in until we have a real job."

Zoe nodded, accepting the point. She couldn't help but feel reluctance at the thought of strangers coming aboard their ship at the moment, when everything still felt so fragile. But you did the job that was in front of you. "Do you have a plan to avoid a disaster this time, sir?"

Mal said cheerfully, "Matter of fact, I do. We get River to okay every passenger before we let them on board. No feds this time."

Zoe considered. It actually seemed like a solid plan for once. "How many were you thinking of taking on?"

"We don't have room for that many," Mal agreed. "But there are two guest rooms free, and –"

"Actually, I was meaning to speak to you on that," Zoe said. 'Meaning' was perhaps too strong a word for it, but it had crossed her mind once or twice over the past few weeks. "I understand the doc wanting to stay close to the infirmary, but what about offering River one of the crew bunks?"

The captain raised his eyebrows, but nodded thoughtfully. "Hadn't particularly occurred to me, but it may well be as she'd like to be further away from the infirmary."

"Further away from Simon and Kaylee, too," Zoe said dryly.

"Laotian, bu," Mal said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can see where that would be an argument. She said anything to you about it?"

"Not complaining, but she's mentioned it," Zoe admitted. "She doesn't seem to be sleeping much at nights, but I don't reckon the noise levels are the only factor in that."

Mal nodded, seeming to accept her assessment. "Well, she's certainly crew and earning her way now, and she seems stable enough that there ain't no need for her to be right next to the infirmary, or her brother, for that matter. If she wants to move, she's welcome to one of the crew bunks. Would free up room for another passenger, too."

River's expression when the captain drew her aside was something to see. "A crew bunk?" she said, as if they'd just offered her a small moon, or perhaps a whole box of strawberries.

"You're part of this crew, little albatross," Mal said, serious for once. "So if you want, pick yourself one of the empty bunks, and we'll lend you a hand with moving your things. My only advice would be not to pick one right next to Jayne's."

River laughed and darted up to kiss his cheek. Zoe watched with interest – evidently they'd been growing closer too while she hadn't been paying attention – then lost her train of thought when River gave her a quick hug. Zoe exchanged a slightly startled look with the captain, then followed the girl.

River didn't need much help packing up her belongings; she didn't own much. Zoe helped carry a handful of dresses, and thought about how near all of them had come on board the ship with next to nothing. She and Mal had come straight from the war; Jayne hadn't brought much with him when he'd deserted his old crew. Kaylee had taken about ten minutes to grab as many of her things as she could, but she'd been in such a rush to make sure she wasn't left behind that she hadn't brought all that much either. Simon and River had come on board as fugitives. Wash and Inara were probably the only exceptions.

"This one," River said with satisfaction, and pushed the stairs forward so she could climb down, looking around her. Zoe wasn't surprised by her choice; she'd picked the room opposite the captain's, which had the advantage of being on the end of the row and leaving an empty room between her and Jayne.

"Good choice," Zoe said.

River smiled, looking around her, then stopped still, the smile vanishing from her face. It was a mite unsettling, the way her mood could swing. "What's wrong?" Zoe asked.

"Simon," River said with a sigh, and climbed back up the ladder. Zoe followed, hearing raised voices as they headed back towards the guest quarters.

Sure enough, the captain and the doctor were in the process of yelling at each other.

"– turf her out of her room just so you can take on one more passenger –"

"– my ship and you don't dictate –"

"Simon!" River interrupted, and both men fell silent, staring at her. "It's my choice, Simon."

"River..." Simon said, still obviously unhappy. "I'm not sure it's a good idea, you being so far away from the infirmary –"

"But isn't that the aim?" River said. "For me not to have to spend all my time with needles in me, being cut open and –" She broke off, and Zoe noted the way her fingers were digging into her arms.

"You know I wouldn't do that," Simon said gently. "And yes, you've been doing a lot better lately, but... if you need me in the middle of the night..."

River released a shuddering sigh. "If I do, I'll come find you. Not so far away. Though I wouldn't want to interrupt," she added with a mischievous glint in her eye.

The captain turned his laugh into a cough. "Shiny. River, I'll see you on the bridge in half an hour, dong ma?" he said, already moving away in the direction of Inara's shuttle.

Zoe turned away, heading towards the other guest room to see if it was in order for taking on new passengers. As she left, she heard Simon saying, "Mei-mei, you know you can come to me anytime, don't you? That hasn't changed, you're never interrupting."

"I know I can," River said. "But it would be interrupting."

---

"That's it," the captain said approvingly. "Now ease back, nice and gentle..."

River followed his instructions, both the spoken and the unspoken. She'd been on the bridge watching when they'd landed at the training house to let Inara collect her things, but this time the captain was allowing her to land Serenity herself.

She carefully corrected their speed as she realised they were still coming in a little too fast, feeling Serenity respond to her.

"Good job," Mal said. "You want me to take her down the last little bit, or you think you got enough of a hang of it to try?"

"I'd like to try," River said, careful not to take her eyes off the instruments to look at him. "May I?"

"Wouldn't have offered otherwise," the captain said. "Take things real slow and careful, though. Port like this, there ain't much room for manoeuvre or error. And the folks as run it tend to get a mite upset when people crash."

"No crashing," River promised, though she knew she didn't need to. Despite his words, Mal was calm and unworried – watchful, yes, but with a confidence in her that gave her the confidence she needed in turn.

Landing wasn't as easy as Wash had always made it look, but River liked the challenge, liked that she was forced to concentrate, and was pleased when she managed to place them in exactly the right spot and with only a slightly heavier bump than Wash would have managed, not enough to cause any damage.

"You've got a talent for this, right enough, little one," the captain told her, something like pride in his voice.

"It's like dancing," River said absently, running through the post-landing checklist. "Mostly she lets me lead, but other times you have to follow her and try not to get dizzy."

"Huh," Mal said. "Can't say as I've heard that comparison before, but I guess it's as apt as any."

River smiled. They'd spent a lot of time on the bridge together, these past few weeks, with the captain showing her how to fly the ship and watching carefully while she mimicked him and performed the calculations and learned how things worked. Sometimes they were silent; sometimes they talked a little. The captain was a lot like Zoe in some ways.

"Got another job for you," Mal said as he finished checking that she'd set everything correctly.

"Vet the passengers," River said. "Make sure there isn't another me."

The captain looked across at her, eyebrows raised. "Don't think there's another you in the whole damn 'verse, darlin'." He paused. "Probably just as well, at that. No, I want you to make sure there ain't no feds coming on board this time. Any fugitives, well, you let me know what kind of trouble they're running from, and I'll decide whether we can risk it or not. Dong ma?"

River nodded. "Do I have to hide while they're on board?"

Mal sighed. "Reckon it ain't no great secret now that you're on board this ship. When it comes to hiding, it'll be a question of us flying below the radar, not keeping you confined to quarters."

River nodded silently at that reminder. She is an albatross, Captain, the Operative had said, and they were still only beginning to establish what kind of problems she'd brought upon the ship.

The captain's eyes narrowed, but he nodded too and led the way down from the bridge.

After Zoe headed off on the mule to refuel and pick up a few parts, Kaylee took up position at the main doors. The captain stayed with River up above, at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the bridge.

"This gonna be close enough for you?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," River said, already distracted by the minds of all the people passing by outside. Impatience/anger/exhaustion/happiness, a mix of everything.

"How close do you generally need to be?" the captain asked curiously, leaning back against the rail next to her.

"Depends on the person and the circumstances," River said. "Simon I can hear from a long way away. Strangers not as far, but still a lot further distance than the ship."

"Huh," Mal said. "Must get pretty crowded in that brain of yours."

"Yes," River agreed softly, and tried to concentrate and not let her focus slip.

The first two people Kaylee struck up conversations with weren't serious prospects; they were more interested in an excuse to talk to Kaylee than in taking a trip. River simply shook her head when the captain looked at her. The third person was a man around Jayne's age and River focused and let herself fall into his mind.

"River?" she heard the captain say distantly. "River."

His hand closed on her shoulder, and River gasped and jolted back to herself.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," Mal muttered.

River took a deep breath. "I'm okay. Want to be useful. Just need to... He's telling the truth, his mother's sick and he wants to go to her. Got less coin than he says, though."

"How much less?" Mal asked. The question was sharp, but his hand was still warm on her shoulder.

"A lot less," River admitted quietly. "Spent it on medicine. She's very sick."

Mal sighed. "Ain't a whole lot of transport ships fly direct to Dyton from here. Even fewer for less coin than we'd take." He paused, then said, "Well, we freed up an extra room thanks to you, little one. And any coin is better than none. If you think he's all right otherwise, we'll take him."

River smiled.

There was really only one potential passenger where she was needed; one man whose thoughts left her pale and gasping and trying not to throw up. Mal didn't even ask, just nodded to Kaylee to get rid of him as fast as possible, and kept his hand warm on River's back.

"Good job," he said when all three slots had been filled. "You need to go lie down now or something?"

River shook her head, but it was true that she wanted... away. The captain nodded. "Just don't touch anything," he said, as if he were the reader, and headed off down the stairs to talk to Kaylee.

River retreated to the bridge, like he'd apparently known she would, and curled up in the co-pilot's chair, letting the banks of instruments soothe her. It hadn't been difficult, what she'd done, but it had been hard, even so. Not as hard as Miranda, not as hard as choosing to fight the Reavers, but hard nonetheless.

She hadn't felt a mind like that since Jubal Early. This hadn't been a bounty hunter, or a fed or anything like that. Just a man. Just a man who got up in the morning and went to work and came home to his wife in the evening, and never let show what lurked beneath the surface. But he dreamed of one day letting it out, and River was more glad than she could say that the captain had rejected him at once, without even asking for details.

She didn't like being surrounded by a mind like that. Even if it wasn't as bad as being overwhelmed by the Reavers' rage, even though it was nothing compared to the minds of those who took no pleasure in their perversions and were genuinely only seeking to do the right thing...

River shivered, and retreated to her new bunk after all, where she could curl up in the corner on the opposite side of the room from the bed, and let Serenity cradle her until she stopped shaking.

---

Dinner was a strange affair. Kaylee was clearly enjoying having new people on the ship, chattering brightly with the passengers, drawing Simon and Inara into the conversation too. The captain put in a word here and there, but was fairly quiet otherwise. Jayne was silent; River knew that he was brooding on the words the captain had had with him concerning what would happen if he was as rude as he apparently had been when Simon and Shepherd Book had first come on board. She estimated that there was a sixty percent chance of an outburst of some kind from him before the end of the meal, regardless.

Zoe was silent, no uncommon event these days, and amid the passengers' chatter it was less noticeable than usual. River could hear her mind, though, the way she was forcing herself to concentrate on the conversation to distract herself from everything else.

The strangest thing about having the passengers on board was that they were oblivious to everything the crew had gone through, everything and everyone they'd lost. People who didn't notice the split-second pause when the crew were all expecting Wash to make the obvious joke; people who didn't think anything of mentioning the Alliance around them.

"Excuse me," River said softly when she couldn't stand it any longer, and retreated to the bridge, checking and double-checking their course and the readings. The bridge was safe: all the passengers had been requested to stay away.

She wasn't surprised to hear footsteps behind her five minutes later, but she was a little surprised that they were Zoe's. She hadn't seen Zoe enter the bridge during the ship's day for weeks. And it was unusual for Zoe to seek her out during the day, too, even though they spent time sparring together every night.

"You okay?" Zoe asked.

River smiled at her tentatively. "It's strange having other people on board."

Zoe nodded her agreement, leaning against the other console. "Takes getting used to, don't it."

"There conspiring going on up here on my bridge?" the captain asked, stepping inside too.

River smiled properly. "Only plotting."

"Oh well, that's okay then," he said. "You all right? You didn't even finish the bread you stole from Jayne. Think he stole it back."

"I'm okay," River said. "Just – takes getting used to, having strangers on board."

Mal nodded, seeming to relax. "It does, at that. So long as that's all."

"No feds," River promised. "I'll tell you if any of them spontaneously evolve into feds."

"With our luck, it wouldn't even surprise me," Mal observed with a sigh.

Zoe gave a wry chuckle. "Well, sir, at least your cunning plan to see what kind of trouble we could stir up by landing on Jiangyin seems to have failed to produce trouble."

"Kind of surprised about that my own self," the captain admitted. "Not sure I'm ready to put too much stock in it just yet."

"No," River agreed softly.

The captain and Zoe both looked at her. "Any particular reason you say that, River?" Zoe asked.

"Didn't sense anything," River reassured them hastily. "Just... I don't think they'll just let me go. Sooner or later they'll come after me again."

"Well, if that happens, we'll be ready," Mal said. "And if you sense anything, you come to us, like I said. In the meantime, we'll stay well away from the Core for a while. Think we might already have a job lined up for once we get to Dyton, some goods to run out to Badger. We'll just keep a nice low profile for a spell."

River nodded and got to her feet.

"Better make it an hour later tonight," Zoe said. "To make sure the passengers are definitely all asleep."

River smiled and slipped out.

---

Zoe looked up as River came down the stairs into the cargo bay. "Everything still quiet?" She'd done a quick tour of the ship before she'd come down herself, making sure everything was quiet in the guest quarters, but it always paid to double-check.

Not that there was any reason she and River shouldn't be sparring, but the way River moved... it would lead to questions, and possibly jog memories about certain arrest warrants that were best forgotten if possible. Zoe was just as happy to avoid the whole situation.

"Not really quiet," River said wryly. "But everyone who isn't crew is sleeping."

"Guess it doesn't ever get proper quiet for you," Zoe observed, wondering for the first time what that must be like. Thinking back, there had been a few times when River had complained about noise or the ship being crowded, even though it hadn't made much sense at the time.

"Out here in the black is as close as it comes," River said, mustering a faint smile for her. "It's easier when people aren't all focusing on me. I'm used to some level of sound now."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "You seem distracted tonight, though."

River ducked her head, rueful. "Inara invited the captain into her shuttle again."

"Ah," Zoe said with sudden understanding. "That must be..."

"Distracting," River admitted. "But I'll get used to it. Need something else to focus on."

"All right, then," Zoe said. "Let's see if we can't take your mind off it."

Even half-distracted, River was a force to be reckoned with; sparring with her certainly required all of Zoe's attention, and she could see River's focus sharpening too as they worked. She supposed that meant River was hearing more of her, rather than the captain and Inara, but she didn't mind – wasn't as though she was thinking much right then, too focused on the motion and twists of their bodies.

River still got the better of her in most of their sessions; Zoe hadn't been wrong, that first time, when she'd said that River was on a different level. But Zoe was managing to hold up her end for longer, knew she was in better condition than she had been when they'd first started this, and had picked up a few new tricks too. It was just a good thing that her ego wasn't so fragile that she couldn't handle being put on her ass on a regular basis.

Like now, she had time to think with grim amusement as River whipped round with a kick that Zoe knew she had no chance of blocking, aimed directly at her midriff. Zoe only had a split-second to brace herself for the blow when –

– River stopped, leg outstretched, foot just inches from Zoe's stomach.

Zoe frowned with a creeping sense of alarm. They'd been sparring for real, not a practice section when they sometimes pulled their punches, and halting a kick with that much momentum behind it wasn't an easy thing to do.

River was balanced on one foot, her head tilted to one side as if listening, and her eyes were very wide as they met Zoe's.

And suddenly Zoe knew.

"No," she said, hearing her voice flat and absolute, in a world that was suddenly not as absolute as it had been. "No, no, that's not possible, that's –"

But things were crashing into place in her mind, signs that she'd ascribed to her body reacting to grief. It wasn't – it couldn't be, but it was... it was possible that –

River's eyes were wide and knowing and filling with tears as she straightened and lowered her leg, but Zoe was only half-aware of her, her mind locked on the realisation and what it meant.

I want to meet that child someday, she'd said, but she'd lost that, she'd buried that child when she'd buried him, and how could this be happening now? How could –

I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives, he'd said, and she'd argued, but she'd lost him, and if that wasn't proof he'd been right, what was?

That excuse is getting a little worn, honey.

It's not an excuse, dear. It's objective assessment. I can't help that it stays relevant.

You and I would make one beautiful baby.

Distantly, Zoe was aware that she'd collapsed to her knees, that River had wrapped her arms around her, supporting her, even as the girl trembled like a leaf. Zoe couldn't think about that, though, couldn't think about anything other than the chaos whirling in her mind.

This can't be, this can't be, this can't be...

Wash, baby, I can't do this without you, I can't, this isn't right, this isn't, this, this, this can't be –

A strong hand pressed against her back, just below River's. Mal, she realised, lending her his strength.

"Zoe," she heard him say, his voice steady but with a note of fear just below the surface that she'd never heard from him before. Then again, he'd probably never seen her like this before, either. "Zoe."

It steadied her a bit, brought her back to herself enough to realise she was kneeling with River's arms around her, her head pressed against the girl's shoulder. Mal's hand was warm on her back as he crouched beside them, but Zoe felt cold all over.

She raised her head slowly, distantly taking in the tears streaking down River's pale face before she turned to meet Mal's gaze. His expression was one she only saw in crises, hard as steel.

"I'm pregnant, sir," Zoe said, hearing her own voice like a stranger's, no emotion in it at all.

---

River stood in the door to the infirmary and tried to stop shaking.

The captain was standing at the foot of the bed Zoe was sitting on, while Simon moved around them both, taking measurements, checking readings.

He'd been asleep when she'd run to fetch him, while the captain and Zoe had walked more slowly to the infirmary. It had been hard, calming herself enough to wake him quietly, quietly enough not to wake Kaylee. Simon had come at once when he'd seen her, and River had struggled to convince him that she wasn't the one who needed his help. Seeing herself through his eyes, it wasn't surprising: pale and shaking, tears streaking her face, the sharp edges of her agitation. But once they'd reached the infirmary, he'd turned his attention to Zoe at once, and River had faded into the background, out of the way.

"You're right," Simon said at last, turning to Zoe, "I'd say you're about six weeks along. And everything seems to be healthy." A pause, then he added, "Congratulations."

River thought, not for the first time, that her brother had an unerring talent for saying the appropriate thing at the time when it was the least appropriate thing imaginable.

There was a silence: Zoe gazing into space, Mal watching her, Simon looking between them. River stared down at the floor and tried to hold on to herself through the chaos of everyone's thoughts.

"I don't want the others to know yet," Zoe said finally. Her voice was still strange – flat, River thought, the way it had been just after Wash had died and she'd shut down to keep going.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality," Simon said. "I'm not allowed to tell anyone anyway."

"Nobody's gonna tell anyone anything you don't want 'em to," the captain said flatly, though River could hear him calculating the chances of keeping a secret like this on board the ship for long.

"Say it was me," River offered. She heard the confusion in their minds and realised she was being unclear again. She tried to concentrate. "If they ask what happened, why we called for you in the middle of the night. Say I was crazy again."

"Don't call it that," Simon instructed absently. "An episode, that's all."

River rolled her eyes and looked at Zoe.

Zoe met her gaze for a moment, then nodded, as much thanks as she was able to offer for the time being.

"Right. If you're sure, River, that's what we'll tell anyone who asks," the captain said.

"I can give you something to help you sleep, if you like," Simon offered Zoe quietly.

Zoe was silent a moment; River could hear the chaos still swirling in her mind, and the appeal of being able to make it all stop, if only for a few hours. "Please."

The captain hovered until Zoe was out, then covered her carefully with a blanket. "How long will she sleep, Doc?"

"Four, maybe five hours," Simon said. "It's just a light sedative."

The captain nodded. "In that case, I'd say we'd better all get some sleep our own selves."

River felt Simon's attention swing back to her. "River, I think you should have a smoother –"

"No, Simon," she said firmly, swiping a hand across her face to wipe the tears away. She was still feeling off-balance, but it was easier to breathe now that Zoe's mind was sunk in sleep. "I don't need anything."

"Mei-mei –"

"I don't need to be drugged every time I get upset," River snapped, then took a deep breath. "Simon, I'm okay. I promise. Please."

Simon sighed in resignation. "If you change your mind, come and get me, okay? I don't care what time it is."

River smiled reluctantly. "I know." That was one thing she could always count on: her brother would be there when she needed him.

"Right then," the captain said briskly. "C'mon, River. I'll see that she gets back to her bunk safely, Doc."

Simon frowned, but couldn't seem to muster any objection. River might have – she knew where her bunk was, and it wasn't as though anything was going to happen to her on the way there – but she could see in Mal's mind that he wanted an opportunity to speak to her alone.

"Goodnight, Simon," she said, letting the captain usher her out of the infirmary.

They didn't speak as they walked up the stairs. When they reached the kitchen, though, Mal nodded to her to take a seat. "Don't know about you, darlin', but I could do with something to drink. Tea?"

"Please," River whispered, and sank into one of the chairs.

She sat silently while he made the tea, sorting through her mind and the barrage of impressions and emotions she'd been hit with over the past hour, trying to find some kind of order. She was jarred back to herself as the captain set the mug down on the table in front of her, but she offered him a weak smile of thanks.

Mal offered a slight smile in return and sat down in his usual place at the end of the table, right beside her. "You okay?"

River took a sip of her tea. It was hot, and she felt it burn all the way down. "It was just a lot," she said after a moment. "Like a storm. Buffeted by the winds."

The captain nodded. "You feel up to telling me exactly what happened?"

River took another sip and did her best – that they'd been sparring, that she'd sensed something and stopped, then the moment when she and Zoe had both realised what it was, what it meant.

"Then I," she said, and faltered.

The captain's eyes were intent on hers. "Then you called me. In my mind."

River nodded slowly.

Mal took a gulp of his tea. "Didn't know you could do that," he said, almost casually.

"Didn't know either," River admitted. "But it was Zoe, and she needed you, and –"

"Don't get me wrong, I ain't complainin'," the captain said firmly. "You did the right thing, little albatross. Took me by surprise, that's all."

River had been surprised, too. But she'd been so panicked, caught up in the maelstrom of Zoe's thoughts; she couldn't have left Zoe to get the captain, but they'd needed him, it was an emergency, and before she'd had time to think it through she'd been reaching out to Mal's mind and calling Captain, Captain, we need you!

It had only been when she'd felt his shock that she'd understood that he'd heard her. That for the first time she could recall, she'd not simply read, she'd transmitted.

She couldn't be sorry about it, not when Zoe had needed the captain so badly, but it was unnerving. She was relieved that at least the captain wasn't angry.

"Was good of you to offer to cover for this," the captain said, interrupting her thoughts. "Reckon Zoe won't want anyone to know until she's made up her mind on what to do." Mal was thinking that they wouldn't be able to keep a secret like this for long, even so, but he had a feeling Zoe would ultimately decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. Either way, though, the last thing she needed at the moment was Kaylee beaming and hugging her and planning some kind of baby-related celebrations.

River nodded at the image, mustering a weak smile. "Kaylee would get excited. Better to wait until Zoe can too." Something else occurred to her. "You can tell Inara."

The captain frowned, and she hurried on before he could misunderstand. "About me, I mean – that I called you. She won't understand why you left, otherwise."

Mal studied her thoughtfully. "You sure about that? Ain't none of anyone else's business."

"I don't mind," River said. It was not quite the truth; part of her wanted to consider and analyse and dissect this new twist in her mind for a while before it became public knowledge. On the other hand, she trusted Inara; the Companion knew what it meant to guard a secret, and River knew she could rely on her discretion.

"Well, I surely appreciate it," the captain said. "I'll make sure she knows not to mention it to anyone else."

River smiled at him, then surprised herself with a huge yawn.

"Go on to bed, little one," Mal said, lifting her mug and carrying it across to the sink. "You need your rest."

River had to admit that he was right. The passing of the storm was leaving her drained and worn out, and she thought she would be able to sleep now. She got wearily to her feet. "Goodnight, Captain."

"Night, River," he said. "Sweet dreams."

---

The week it took them to reach Dyton passed in a haze. Time had gone all strange. Sometimes the seconds seemed to crawl by interminably; other times, Zoe would come back to herself and realise hours had flashed by while she'd been staring at the walls of her bunk.

For most of her life, she'd found it easy enough to take decisions. She knew who she was and what she wanted and how to get there. Now, though, she found herself paralysed, because neither of her options were what she really wanted.

She'd wanted Wash's child, yes. Their child. But she'd wanted them to have a baby together. She'd wanted to squeeze Wash's hand so hard during labour that he yelled louder than she did. She'd wanted to see him bouncing their baby on his knee. She'd wanted to pretend to be annoyed when he dressed him or her in one of those ugly shirts of his. She'd wanted to spend months arguing over names together.

She'd wanted a lot of things, and having their baby alone hadn't been anywhere near the list.

But if she didn't go ahead with the pregnancy... she'd never get to meet their child. She'd never have a second chance.

That didn't change the fact that she didn't know if she could do it. Didn't know if she even wanted to.

In a way, it was for the best that they had passengers on board. They were enough of a distraction for the crew that Zoe didn't think the others had noticed her own distraction too much, and what they did notice they probably chalked up to grief anyway. It was a relief, because she didn't want to talk about it, didn't even want to think about it, even though she couldn't escape the thoughts circling round and round in her head.

The day before they were due to arrive on Dyton, Simon caught her eye during dinner. Zoe forced herself to nod in response. She didn't want to speak to him about it, but she couldn't hide forever.

She went down to the infirmary after dinner, and Simon looked up and smiled when he saw her.

"Thank you for coming," he said. He glanced at the doors as if wondering whether to shut them.

Not a smart idea, Zoe decided. True, no one would overhear. On the other hand, anyone who wandered over to this part of the ship and saw the doors closed would know something more important was going on than just discussing medical supplies. "Go ahead and say what you've got to say, Doctor."

Simon nodded, accepting her judgement. "The city we're landing in tomorrow has a hospital. I could do to stock up on some supplies – but it would also be a good opportunity to do some tests and run a scan to see if everything is progressing normally. Or an opportunity for a termination, if that's your decision."

Zoe opened her mouth and closed it again.

"You don't in any way need to make a decision yet," Simon went on. His voice was professional, if not quite impersonal, and that made it easier to listen to him talking about it. "One of the things I'd like to get at the hospital is termination pills, so that option would be open to you on board the ship for a few more months. But if you haven't completely ruled out going ahead with the pregnancy, I'd really like you to have the scan. You don't have to know anything about the results if you don't want to."

Zoe drew in a deep breath and nodded. "Fine. We'll do the scan."

"Okay, good," Simon said. "I've been thinking about how to explain our trip to the hospital without the others realising something's up..."

Zoe nodded. "Dyton ain't a rich world. Stealing a few bits and pieces from the hospital for our own use is one thing, but we can't take enough to sell on."

"Exactly," Simon said. "But the hospital does have a neuro-imager. I mean – it's basic compared to what they had on Ariel, 2D, less data. But I'd still like to get River in for a scan if possible. And that could be our... cover story, if you like."

Zoe frowned. "Do you think there's a problem? Because she's seemed to be doing better, since Miranda. A lot better." Although Zoe hadn't been paying much attention over the past week, she admitted to herself in sudden concern.

"She has," Simon agreed, his professional tone giving way to something more awkward and real, that tone of worry and relief and helplessness he always got when talking about River's condition. "I think facing some of the things she'd blocked out was good for her. Her episodes since then have been far less severe, I've even started cutting back her medication. That's one reason why I'd like to do a scan, actually – to see if some of the damage has started to heal."

Zoe nodded thoughtfully. "I'll speak to her, ask her if she'd mind us using that as an excuse."

She thought back over what she'd seen of River over the past week, but for the most part it had only been at meals. She didn't think River was avoiding her this time, at least, but Zoe had been wrapped up in her own head and hadn't sought her out. Their sparring sessions in the middle of the night had come to an abrupt end, of course, but Zoe hadn't gone wandering at night at all, staring at the ceiling of her bunk instead.

She found River on the catwalk up above the cargo bay. The girl was balancing on her head, the skirts of her dress falling down and hiding her face, showing the black leggings she was wearing underneath.

Zoe took in the scene for a moment, then asked, "There a reason you're upside down, River?"

"Promotes the flow of blood to the brain," River said, her voice only slightly muffled by the skirts that still hid her face from view. "Allows greater clarity of thought. And sometimes I need a change of perspective."

"I see," Zoe said gravely, trying to rein in her amusement. She sat down cross-legged next to River. "How's that working out for you?"

"Too many perspectives," River sighed. She flipped herself elegantly upright again and then sat down beside Zoe, her legs dangling off the edge of the catwalk.

Probably always a problem for a reader, Zoe supposed. She nodded.

"Don't need to talk about it," River offered after a moment. "Don't need to talk at all. I don't mind silence."

Zoe gave her a tight but genuine smile. "One of the more refreshing things about you." She paused, but went on. "I spoke to your brother earlier. He said there's a hospital on Dyton where I could get a scan, see whether things are looking okay. Or a termination, if that's what I decide on."

River nodded, clearly hearing more than Zoe had managed to put into words yet. "I'll do it," she said.

Zoe looked at her. "You sure you don't mind?"

River nodded again. "But can we say it's to see how my brain is looking now?" she asked quietly. "So the others don't think it's that I'm getting crazier?"

"Of course," Zoe said at once. "And if you don't want to have the scan –"

River smiled wanly. "Simon will insist."

"It ain't his decision," Zoe told her firmly. "It's your choice, River. If you decide you don't want to go through that, no one will make you."

River looked at her sidelong, her expression a little shy. "Thank you," she said, and the sincerity in her voice made Zoe feel guilty, because River shouldn't be feeling grateful just for that.

"No, River, thank you," Zoe told her. She appreciated River going along with this, because she still didn't feel inclined to let any more people know.

A comfortable silence descended, and Zoe let herself enjoy it while she could, before the cycle of her thoughts started up again.

---

"So what's the plan?" Simon asked, once their passengers were safely gone and the four of them were getting ready to leave for the hospital. "We do have one, right?"

"We slip in a side entrance," Mal said confidently, "and steal a couple of uniforms. Then walk right on in like we own the place."

"...Right," Simon said.

River could hear him mentally revising his estimate of the likelihood of them all ending up in Alliance custody again sharply upwards. But one of the reasons she loved her brother so much was that he simply resigned himself to it, without even a thought for calling the whole thing off.

She smiled at him. "Don't worry, Simon. It'll be different this time."

And it was. River still hated hospitals, but she was walking in under her own power this time, and this part was like pulling a job. That made it easier not to let her hate and fear pull her under. She focused on the technicalities instead.

"Same code again," she said, listening to the orderly currently letting himself in through a side door, the entry code he was punching in loud in his thoughts. "45932."

"Good work," the captain told her. "Okay, Zoe, you and the doc head in first, since he stands the best chance of bluffing his way through if need be. Try to find a changing room –"

"Turn left," River said slowly, still focusing on the orderly's mind. "The... third door on the left. No security there that I can pick up on..."

"You're just all kinds of helpful today, little albatross," Mal said. "So, you two head in, get changed. River and I'll follow a couple of minutes after, and we'll meet there. Dong ma?"

"C'mon, Doc," Zoe said, and strode off confidently across the street, forcing Simon to hurry after her. River smiled.

"How you feeling about this plan?" the captain asked her as they watched Zoe punch in the code. They both paused for a moment, watching, but then the door slid open and Zoe and Simon disappeared inside.

"Don't like hospitals," River said.

"Now that's less helpful," the captain said. "Can we go back to the helpful River?"

River was mostly listening to Simon's progress in the building. "Plan's fine. Though I think I should be the doctor, not you."

Mal made a choking sound. "Shen-me?"

"Not bringing in corpses this time," River said and grinned at him. "I'm better at improvising medical jargon." She paused, then added, fairly, "Or if nothing else, I'm better at saying things no one understands."

"Can't argue with that part, at least," the captain muttered. "They still clear? Right then, let's go, Dr River."

They slipped in as easily as Zoe and Simon had, and the captain matched pace with her as she led him to the room where Zoe and Simon were waiting. Simon was already wearing a doctor's uniform and a slightly hunted expression, and Zoe was dressed in an orderly's uniform. She tossed Mal something similar, and Simon held out a nurse's uniform to River. "We thought we'd be able to move more freely if we were all staff."

River didn't waste breath complaining that she'd been given a nurse's uniform rather than a doctor's one – she hadn't earned either, and even Simon was young for a doctor; too many people wouldn't believe she could be one. She changed as quickly as possible, pulling her hair back from her face and securing it under her cap.

"We should split up," Zoe said. "All four of us together are going to attract attention."

The captain frowned, but clearly saw the sense in it. "All right. You and the doc go off and do your thing. Doc, you had a list of things you wanted to try to pick up, right? Give that to us; River and I'll take care of that and meet you after."

Simon didn't look happy, but he handed the captain a list. "Be careful, River. Don't take long, okay? We'll be in –"

"I know," River said. "You two be careful, too. Shall we, Captain?"

"Let's, Nurse River," Mal said, and led the way out of the room.

It didn't take them long to find the medicine storage room, and they set to work. This wasn't a heist like Mal and Zoe had pulled on Ariel; Dyton wasn't a Core world, and this hospital would struggle to replace the medicine fast enough for its patients if they took too much. They were taking only single bottles of a few things, to replace Simon's supplies and pick up some new items he thought he might need.

River noted the bottle of pregnancy termination pills on the list, but didn't comment as she found the right shelf and slid a bottle into her pocket.

"How are they doing?" the captain asked quietly.

River shook her head. "Can't tell."

Mal turned sharply to look at her. "What?"

"Hospital," River said quietly, and concentrated hard on the bottles on the shelf in front of her. "Lots of people, lots of emotions, lots of noise. Hard to focus – can't pick out a wave in the sea. Too much..."

"Great," the captain muttered under his breath, but he was frowning at her with something closer to concern than anger. "You okay?"

River shuddered, but offered him a tight smile. "Don't like hospitals."

"Can't fault you there," Mal said. "We got everything on your brother's list? Because if so, I reckon we should go track him and Zoe down."

River nodded. "Don't think anything's wrong," she said, offering it for what it was worth. "I'd know if anything happened to Simon, or if he got angry or..."

"You're telling me you feel it every time the doc gets angry?" the captain said lightly. "Miracle you don't have a permanent headache, little albatross. C'mon."

---

Zoe dressed hastily, relieved once again that Simon was so professional when it came to medical matters. She'd stared at the ceiling throughout the scan, and it had only been Simon's businesslike voice telling her exactly what he was doing that had kept her from jumping up from the table and calling a halt to the entire thing.

She was glad it was over.

"I can tell you that everything looks normal so far," Simon said as she finished dressing. "I'll go over the results of some of the other tests when we're back on the ship." He didn't say any more than that, and Zoe was grateful to him for it.

There was a knock on the door, and Zoe hastily made sure her orderly's uniform was in place and nodded to Simon.

Simon opened the door and nodded to the woman frowning at him. "Thank you, Nurse," he said. "Everything seems to be in order in here."

Her frown deepened, but before she could say anything an imperious voice called out, "Doctor!" Over Simon's shoulder, Zoe could see River striding down the hallway towards them, still dressed in her nurse's uniform. "Doctor, we need you urgently in Ward Seven."

"You'll have to excuse us," Simon said to the nurse, and headed towards River. Zoe followed close behind, keeping track of what the nurse was doing. She was still frowning, but she didn't seem to be calling security, and Zoe would take that.

Mal was waiting for them at the corner, pretending to look through the drawers of a cart. "We good?"

"We're good, sir," Zoe confirmed, meeting his gaze, and Mal nodded back, some of the tension going out of him.

"Did you find everything on the list?" Simon asked.

"Got it all," the captain said. "I'd say our shift's over."

"Wait," Simon said, turning to his sister. "River –"

"The neuro-imager," River said tonelessly. "You want to scan me."

"Yes," Simon said gently. "The more data I have, the more I can help you. I want to see if there's been any change."

Mal was frowning. "River? What do you think?"

"The nurse hasn't informed security," River said. "We should have time."

"Not what I was asking," Mal said. "Are you okay with the scan?"

"Captain," Simon began to object.

"It's her choice," Zoe said firmly. She'd told River as much on the ship, and the lingering uneasiness from her own scan had only reinforced her feelings on the matter. If River didn't want to put herself through it...

"It's okay," River interrupted. She looked at all three of them in turn, pale but standing her ground. "I'm – I'm okay."

After a moment, Mal nodded. "Right, then. Lead on, Doctor. Zoe, you want to take the other end of this cart?"

"Stay close," Simon murmured to River, and set off down the hallway, River at his shoulder. Mal and Zoe hung back slightly with the cart.

Finding an empty room for Zoe's scan had been tricky, but this time they were luckier: the neuro-imager wasn't in use, and they managed to slip into the room without anyone paying them any attention.

"Keep it quick, Doc," Mal warned.

Simon's mouth tightened in irritation, but he got straight down to business, moving over to the scanner. "River, lie down on the examination table, I'll just start the imager..."

River moved forward obediently to the table, then stopped. She was chalk-white. Zoe joined her and took her hand, squeezing it. "You sure about this?" she asked quietly.

"Not too late to change your mind, darlin'," Mal added. Glancing across, Zoe could see his concern.

River took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. "No," she said, and lay down on the table. Zoe moved around so she could keep hold of her hand.

"I'll be as quick as I can, mei-mei," Simon said. He was concentrating on programming the scanner, but Zoe could see his concern as well. She knew he was doing this to try to help his sister, but it was hard to see River this pale and trembling.

Hard for him as well, Zoe reminded herself, and squeezed River's hand tighter as a tear escaped her eyes, slipping silently down her cheek.

"I'm starting the scan now, River," Simon said. "It'll just take a few minutes."

It took four painfully slow minutes for the imager to finish running and send its data to Simon's data stick, and by the end River was crying properly, silently, eyes still screwed closed.

"Done," Simon said at last, pulling the stick from the machine and shutting down the scanner.

River scrambled off the table at once, still clinging to Zoe's hand. She was gulping for breath, tears still streaming down her face. Zoe exchanged a worried look with Mal.

Simon was already at his sister's side. "It's over now, mei-mei, you're okay –" He pushed her hair back and gently brushed the tears from her face. "Deep breaths, River, you're okay now..."

"Have to go," River gasped out, raising her head and looking from Zoe to Mal, who was standing next to the door to keep watch. "Need to go, need to get out of here –"

"You saying that because there're feds closing in, or because you need out, River?" Mal asked gently. "Because I got no problem with leaving, but you're gonna attract attention bolting out in this state. Give yourself a moment to calm down first, little albatross."

River dragged in a shuddering breath and pulled her hands free to press them to her face. Zoe exchanged a glance with Simon, but after a minute she lowered them again and seemed a little calmer.

"Cold water," she said, and when they all looked at her in confusion, trying to figure out what she might mean this time, she actually mustered a tiny smile and added, "For my eyes, so people won't see I've been crying?"

---

Zoe didn't completely relax until they'd made it safely back to Serenity, but they did, and things seemed quiet there. Kaylee had gotten the ship refuelled while they were gone and Jayne had picked up their other supplies.

Inara came across to join Zoe as she and Mal stowed away the mule. "Did everything go all right?"

For a moment, Zoe thought she knew – then realised she was referring to River's scan. "It did," she said, a beat too late. "It was rough on River, though." Simon had wanted to give her something when they'd gotten back to the ship, but River had refused, retreating to her bunk to rest instead. Zoe made a mental note to stop by and check on her in a few hours if she hadn't emerged by then. She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty: after all, it was because she'd wanted to keep her condition a secret that River had needed to go along to the hospital in the first place.

"I imagine it would be," Inara said sympathetically. "After what she went through at the Academy, any kind of medical test must be hard for her."

"She did well, though," Mal said. There was an odd kind of pride in his voice, and Zoe couldn't help but smile. For a man who generally didn't admit to attachments beyond 'crew', Mal was hopeless at hiding his affection for the people he cared about.

Inara shared a fond, secret smile with Zoe out of Mal's sight. "She's stronger than we sometimes give her credit for. I hope Simon can use the new data to help her, anyway."

"She'll be all right," Mal said. The mule secured to the top of the cargo bay again, he turned his attention to Inara. "I need to send a wave to Badger about the job here, but after that I don't reckon I've any pressing obligations, you know."

Inara took his hand with a smile. "Really? That will never do."

Zoe watched them head off together in the direction of the bridge, bickering amicably, and had to take a deep breath to steady herself through the wave of grief.

Wash, baby, I miss you. I miss you so much.

She retreated to her bunk and lay down on their bed, trying to breathe through everything she was feeling, trying to quieten the roaring panic of indecision in her mind.

I can't do this. I can't do this without you, baby.

She didn't know how much later it was when the storm inside her finally subsided, leaving her drained and empty, but she must have fallen into a light doze, because the ship's intercom woke her.

"Meeting in the kitchen in half an hour," was all Mal's voice said, but it was enough. The job was tonight, then. Which meant Zoe needed to get her head on straight.

She got up and changed clothes on autopilot, then splashed water on her face. Cold water, River's voice rang in her mind, and Zoe mustered a grim smile before venturing out of her bunk.

The rest of the crew were already starting to gather in the communal area around the kitchen. Mal's eyes sought hers the moment she came in, and she gave him a tiny nod to reassure him. Mal nodded back, and she went over and took a seat on the couch where River was curled up.

River smiled at her, small and bruised, acknowledging their mental states, and Zoe returned it in kind.

"Did you manage to sleep?" she asked River quietly.

"For a while," River said. "Feeling better than before." She didn't ask Zoe how she was feeling, not in front of the others, though as like as not she simply didn't need to.

"Right," Mal said once everyone was there. "The job's going ahead tonight, so here's the situation. It should be a solid enough job. Badger has plenty of relatives out here, and one of them wants us to carry some cargo to him on Persephone. Badger ain't likely to cheat one of his own relatives, so payment shouldn't be the kind of problem it's sometimes been in the past with him."

Well, that was a bonus, Zoe admitted to herself.

"The cargo is several crates of foodstuffs," the captain went on. "Zoe, Jayne and I'll pick 'em up; the drop-point ain't too far from here, we can take the mule. When we get back to the ship, we'll head straight for Persephone. Kaylee, River, I'm gonna want you both to make sure the ship is ready when we get back, in case we need to take off quicker than expected, but this should be a quiet job." He looked around at the crew. "We all clear?"

Everybody seemed to be, though Zoe could feel Simon's eyes on her. Fortunately, he had enough sense not to say anything with the entire crew present. He caught up with Zoe as the group dispersed, though. "Can I speak to you for a moment?" he asked in an undertone.

There were plenty of things Zoe needed to get done if they were picking up the cargo tonight, but she nodded and followed the doctor to the infirmary anyway.

"I just wanted you to know that I finished analysing the additional data from your scan," Simon said once they could speak privately. "And the pregnancy is progressing normally and there are no indications of any health issues."

Zoe nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

"Also, we brought termination pills back from the hospital with us," Simon said carefully. "If that's the decision you make, you simply have to let me know. But you still have months before you need to take that decision."

Zoe nodded again. "It's not an easy choice for me," she admitted quietly, because Simon had been very good in all of this, and he deserved more than silence from her. "I don't want to rush into anything. I need to be sure."

"Of course," Simon said at once. "I just want to make sure you have all the medical information that might factor into your decision. If you have any questions about the medical side of things at any point, come and talk to me any time." He hesitated, obviously unsure whether to go on.

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Whatever it is, you might as well just come out and say it, Doctor."

"I just –" Simon hesitated again. "I realise your job can be a dangerous one. I guess I wanted to ask you to take what precautions you can."

Zoe fought to keep her expression and tone even. "My job's the same as it's always been. I've never made a habit of being reckless." She changed the subject firmly. "Did you analyse the results of River's scan too?"

"Yes, I did," Simon said, accepting the change of subject with good grace. "But there's no real sign of any change. It's difficult to be certain, because it's much less detailed than the scan we did on Ariel, so there might be some very minimal improvement that I'm not seeing, but..."

"Maybe that's a good sign," Zoe offered.

"Really?" Simon said blankly.

"She's improved a lot over the past couple of months," Zoe reminded him. "Out of all sight. If that's just her healing in the mental sense and not the physical sense, then maybe she can keep on improving. Without being dependent on some kind of medical miracle."

"I hadn't considered it from that perspective," Simon admitted thoughtfully.

"Don't underestimate her, Simon," Zoe said. "She's surprised us enough times already, and I'm sure she will again."

Simon's smile was rueful. "That's my sister, all right."

---

Darkness had already fallen when the captain left on the mule with Zoe and Jayne. River watched them leave from the catwalk, then drifted upstairs to wait on the bridge.

She set her radio carefully on the bank of instruments in front of her. Merely a precaution, the captain had said, so they could let her know if things went wrong, if they needed the ship to be ready to take off as soon as they reached it. And also, Mal had thought, so that she could contact them if anything happened on board the ship.

He hadn't expected anything to happen, but he wasn't one for trusting in luck.

The pick-up point wasn't too far from the ship, but far enough that River was picking up only faint glimpses from the minds of Zoe and the captain; too far to pick up on Jayne's thoughts at all, since she didn't know him as well. She felt a growing unease, though, and then:

Ni tama de. Tianxia suoyou de ren. Dou gaisi!

River activated the ship's intercom. "Be ready for trouble."

Inara appeared on the bridge a moment later. "What's going on?"

"Don't know yet," River admitted. "Trouble of some kind." She could sense Kaylee in the engine room now, making sure they were ready to hit the sky as soon as the captain and the others returned.

The radio crackled into life. "River, we're gonna need to leave in a hurry."

"We're ready," River replied.

"Mal, what's happened?" Inara asked sharply, leaning over River's shoulder to speak into the transmitter.

"Seems like our contact neglected to mention a few minor details about how hot these particular goods are," the captain said. "Wang ba dan –"

River heard the gunshot. She could feel the worry running through Inara, even though it didn't show in her expression.

"Mal?" Inara asked.

The radio was silent.

"Busy," River said slowly. They were moving closer, fewer people between her and them now, and she could sense their minds more clearly. "Another mule pursuing them. They're still ten minutes away, at least."

Inara said nothing.

"There are..." River trailed off and then reached for the radio. "Captain, there are at least six of them between you and the ship now. Be careful."

There was no acknowledgement on the radio, but the renewed level of cursing she could hear in his mind assured her that he'd heard. River concentrated, picking up more clearly on how pinned down they were. It was taking all three of them to hold off their pursuers, which meant they weren't making much progress towards the ship. And more were closing in on them from the other direction now.

"Captain, I'm on my way," River said into the radio, and stood up.

"River, wait," Inara said, openly concerned now. "We need you here as pilot so we can take off as soon as they reach us –"

"Only works if they reach us," River pointed out. She could feel Inara's worry for her, mingling with and not warring with her concern for the captain and the others, and that warmed her. "I'll be careful. Keep Serenity open, make sure someone is ready to close her up as soon as we get on board."

She ran down the stairs, then, because the captain hadn't protested, not out loud. In his head she could hear his unhappiness with the idea, but also recognition that they were going to need help from some quarter to make it back to Serenity safely.

She was selfishly glad that Simon was in the engine room with Kaylee so she didn't see him as she left the ship. He wasn't going to be happy about this, she knew, but it would be easier to face him after.

It wasn't completely dark outside, lamps casting pools of dim light around the docks. River kept to the shadows, slipping from ship to ship, then along where the wall ran, round to the main exit.

Dock security had been alerted, she knew. Small-time crime they might turn a blind eye to – particularly if there was a bribe in it for them – but running gun battles in the street was the kind of thing the feds might take an interest in, and when the feds might take an interest it was always best for local security guards to look efficient and helpful and secure. There would be problems when the mule tried to enter the docks.

There weren't that many guards, though. Two on either side of the exit, and four more approaching who'd evidently been called back from patrolling the rest of the docks.

She took out the guards who hadn't quite reached the exit yet first, striking with sharp kicks and blows to the head. She knew exactly how strong a blow it took to shatter a skull, but was careful to instead apply just enough pressure to knock them unconscious and leave them that way for a while. None of them caught more than a glimpse of her, but even that they probably wouldn't be able to remember through the splitting headache when they woke up.

The last four guards were more alert and River was forced to do more damage in her brief fight with them. She was still careful, though. It was much harder being careful, much harder to knock them out than it would be to kill them, but she liked the feeling of being in control of herself, of judging her every movement so precisely.

When all the guards were unconscious and likely to stay that way for a good while, River moved away from the exit and along the inside of the wall. The exit was too brightly lit, too much a focus for unfriendly eyes. She ran just far enough to find a more shadowed spot, then climbed the wall and slipped carefully over the top.

"No time, no time," she murmured to herself. She'd lost too much time dealing with the guards the 'careful' way. Killing was far faster, for all that she didn't regret her choice.

She ran through the streets, moving towards where she felt the others were. The people she'd felt between them and the docks before had closed in on them now, and she didn't encounter any of them until she drew close.

Then she rounded a corner and they were right in front of her.

Jayne and the captain were concentrating on the people on the mule that was chasing them; Zoe was steering the mule with one hand and shooting with the other, focusing on the people ahead of them. The mule had more or less ground to a halt, though, with bullets raining down on all sides and Zoe having to keep most of her attention on fighting off their assailants.

River stopped thinking and simply moved.

She was less careful this time; the others were using bullets, after all, and those were far less careful than she could ever be. A sharp blow to the neck took out the closest attacker, who was crouching behind a cart and ducking out from behind his cover to take potshots at Zoe. His mind went dark and River grabbed his gun, but didn't fire – no touching guns. Instead she ran back out and spun under the hail of bullets that immediately came her way.

"River!" Zoe yelled.

River didn't waste time calling back – she could see Zoe's worry for her in her mind, echoed by the captain's curse and Jayne's "Ah, gorram it, that's all we need," as he picked off another one of their pursuers.

Between her and Zoe, they cleared the area ahead of the mule within a few minutes, and River leapt up onto the mule beside her.

"Hang on, we're moving again!" Zoe yelled before guiding the mule forwards, and they began to pick up speed.

"Qingwa cao de liumang," the captain cursed, firing off another shot behind them. "They're still on us. River, you okay?"

"Yes," River said. She could feel the adrenaline in her veins, but all her blood was flowing in them too, and the dams hadn't burst. She didn't think Mal would appreciate that much detail at this moment in time, though.

"How many still between us and the ship?" the captain demanded.

River concentrated. "None. All asleep. Security at the docks too."

The captain actually took a moment to look over his shoulder at her for that. "You took out security?"

"They preferred being asleep anyway," River offered by way of reassurance. "Hated working night shift."

Jayne barked out a laugh at that, and River saw Zoe smile tightly beside her.

"Shensheng de gaowan," the captain muttered, and returned his attention to their pursuers.

Now that Zoe could concentrate on flying again and their path wasn't blocked, they made good time back to the docks. The guards were still down as the mule flew past, though River could see a few of them starting to stir.

Less careful next time, she promised herself, and hoped they would stay unconscious long enough for Serenity to take off.

"They're still right on our gorram tail," Jayne swore, squeezing off another shot.

Serenity came into sight, and Zoe drove straight for the gangway. River knew how hard a manoeuvre that was to pull off, even with Serenity stationary, and stretched forward with her mind.

Inara and Simon were waiting by the doors, but both far enough out of the way that Zoe would be able to fly straight in.

"You're clear!" River called to her, and Zoe nodded once to show she'd heard and ramped their speed up as fast as the mule could go.

Then they were shooting into Serenity, braking sharply enough to nearly knock them all over. As the mule skidded to a halt, River and Zoe both realised at the same moment that their pursuers hadn't slowed down, and leaped clear on their respective sides of the mule as the second vehicle flew into Serenity and crashed into them.

"Wash –" Mal started and cut himself off abruptly. River felt the pain that shot through him at the realisation of his mistake, and regret for causing Zoe more grief, but he didn't apologise or take it back. "River, get us in the air! Get up to the bridge now!"

River was on the wrong side of the second mule, though, with the half dozen pursuers that had spilled off it between her and the stairs. She had no breath to waste on pointing that out as she ducked under a blow from the nearest man and swept his legs out from underneath him in the same move she and Zoe had practised together night after night.

"Wo de ma," the captain swore, pinned down by fighting himself.

"I got it, sir," Zoe called out, and as River flipped back to her feet she caught sight of Zoe running up the stairs.

One of the men next to her had a gun pointing in Zoe's direction, but a moment later River broke his wrist with a vicious kick – very careful, again, just not as kind – and sent the gun skittering across the floor, out of reach.

She threw herself into the fight then, her focus sharpening and then expanding to encompass everyone.

The men she was fighting were just starting to wonder if they were in over their heads, worried that they might not be able to stop the ship from taking off, worried that they might be trapped on it and killed. River could feel their every motion. She couldn't see the future, but you didn't need to in order to be able to dodge a bullet: you just had to know when the shooter was going to fire before they did. She twisted and spun.

A few feet away, Jayne and the captain were fighting too. Jayne was enjoying himself; he wasn't a vicious man, not like some men River had known: he didn't dream of blood and thirst for it. But he did enjoy a good fight, and he drove his fist into the nearest assailant's face.

The captain was enjoying himself too, the thrill of it, the adrenaline in his veins, feeling it the same way she did. He wasn't focused solely on the fight, though, part of his mind tracking where she and Jayne were, counting how long it had been since Zoe had run for the stairs and how soon they could conceivably be in the air, tracking where Inara was and Simon, making sure they were clear of the fight.

They were, and River was watching for them too. Inara was behind the cover of some crates a few feet behind River. She was worrying about all of them but unafraid for herself, watching as closely as she could, waiting for the right moment to dart out and press the button to close up the ship. Simon was behind cover on the other side of the cargo bay, but was mostly worrying about River, trying to keep an eye on her and not paying enough attention to keeping out of danger himself.

Kaylee was in the engine room, her trust in the captain keeping her from panicking and letting her focus on her own job. She was talking to Serenity, reassuring her, coaxing her heart to beat a little faster, to be ready when the moment came to fly free.

And Zoe had reached the bridge and was settling into Wash's seat. River could feel how hard it was for her to do this, but also how freeing, like stepping off a cliff and finding she could fly. Wash had been the one to teach her how to fly Serenity, his arms around her neck as he'd leaned over to show her the combination of switches to flick, the sequence of the buttons. Zoe followed the sequence now, just the way he'd taught her, and heard his voice in her memory, clear as if his ghost were saying it beside her, Just like that, baby. Let's show them what we've got.

For one perfect moment, as River spun, she was everyone and she was no one.

The ship moved, lifting slowly off the ground, and River took out the man she'd been fighting with a kick that fractured his jaw. The last man's eyes had widened with panic as he felt the ship spring to life, and he ran for it, diving out of the doors before Serenity could clear more than a few feet off the ground.

"Get them off!" the captain yelled, grabbing one of the unconscious men and dragging him to the doors. Jayne did the same, and River and Simon moved another between them. It only took a few seconds to shove them all overboard, and River was fairly confident that they hadn't been high enough for the men to suffer too much additional damage from the fall.

Inara used the controls to close the ship up as the captain moved to the intercom. "Zoe, go!"

The ship picked up speed, hurtling upwards, and River could feel Zoe's smile as she took them up through atmo and out into the black, bittersweet but real.

Nice flying, baby, her memory of Wash said, warm and only just out of reach.

I miss you, baby, Zoe thought. More'n I can bear, sometimes. But even so, I'm not so afraid of losing something that I won't try to have it. You're going to be a father, dear. She pressed a hand to her stomach.

River smiled and made herself reel in her focus, be River-the-girl again and not River-the-ship.

"River!" Simon was saying, looking her up and down anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"Shiny," River said, and smiled.