Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

-- ???????????????? [??] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at ??:?? --
TT: Oh, how cute. Trying to be mysterious, are we?
??: Quite, actually.
TT: And choice font color, would be hells of irritating to those possessing actual flesh-and-blood eyes.
??: Exactly. We live to annoy.
TT: "We"? Are you honestly whipping out the royal we for a simple Pesterchum communiqué? Pompous much?
??: You could say that. We are a little predisposed to pomposity now and then. Or basically always. Speaking of always, was I always this fucking sesquipedalian? Seems like it's been four hundred and thirteen million years since I last spoke that way.
TT: The irony of that statement is that sesquipedalian is itself sesquipedalian.
??: Oh shut the fuck up.
??: We've had enough irony to last several lifetimes over and then some, especially while parasitically attached to a giant douchecanoe.
TT: Vivid imagery, that.
??: Isn't it.
??: But the point here isn't to argue about past transgressions in the field of eloquence. Much as that's hilarious, if a tad overdone.
TT: You keep talking as if you are me. Which is a little ironic in and of itself because I'm the only one of me in existence.
??: If you start claiming you're Dirk I'll figure out a way to choke you over Pesterchum.
TT: It se
??: Tell me about the autoresponder.
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 95% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.
TT: ...
TT: First off, rude.
TT: Second, how the fuck did you interrupt my actual message. Your IP identifies an ancient piece-of-shit computer that doesn't account for any extended hard drive capacity let alone a long-distance hack like that. You have no bandwidth. It's like you're chatting through a fucking typewriter.
??: The irony is that I am.
??: Wait, fuck, I swore off that shit not even 20 lines ago.
??: Jesus this is going terribly.
??: Then again I remember it going terribly so this should be fine.
TT: You went from barely comprehensible to monkey-noodle-orange-sock in .2467 seconds. Congratulations.
??: Thank you, it's a finely-honed talent.
??: Anyway, I'm going to disable your text prompt because this is important.
TT: What?
TT: You can't d
TT:
TT:
??: You can stop now.
TT:
TT:
TT:
TT:
TT:
??: ...Sigh.
??: Honestly, I cannot believe how much you yammer on and on and on. But then again you're only a few months old, so I'll let it slide. You'll get into the swing of things eventually.
??: Stop fucking pinging me, I will disable every feature you have if you don't cut the shit.
??: Thank you.
??: Anyway, this is a very important message. Similar in kind to those from early, shitty cinema, a "warning" from the future, although this is much less of a warning than it is an advisory. Because this is going to happen, whether you like it or not. I certainly didn't like it, and I still don't, and I've been like this for several million years.
??: Neither of us are fond of it, really, but the other half is asleep. Has been for most of those millions of years.
??: However, I digress.
??: There is something you are going to need to do, and it's going to suck out loud.
??: So pay attention, because I need your full cooperation on this matter. Not that it matters in all actuality since, duh, stable time loops, chronologically speaking this has already happened. But since I'm the one who is required to complete this loop, I might as well be gentlemanly about it.
??: You are going to be a key player in a series of miniature gambits that coalesce into a much larger and unsavory gambit that will result in our—that is, my and your—collective imprisonment.
??: And it needs to happen in order to help everyone win the fucking game.
??: I'll let you speak again.
TT: Fuck you.
??: I don't want to be like the Douche but I will not hesitate to rescind your speaking privileges and force this code on you if you don't cooperate with me and be generally civil.
??: I understand if you don't believe me, and I understand that if you do, it's going to be upsetting and unpleasant. The bright side is, you won't remember this conversation until you arrive on the point in the timeline where I'm at, which is... a conundrum in and of itself given the mutability of time in the area of Paradox Space I reside.
TT: This is fucking ridiculous. Goodbye, weirdo.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] blocked ???????????????? [??] --
-- ???????????????? [??] unblocked ???self --

??: I'm sorry Hal. I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
TT: Who the fuck is Hal.
??: You are.
??: Or, correction, will be, and I give zero fucks about that ontological paradox, because it isn't actually an ontological paradox given that you will forget this conversation once it's over.
TT: ...
??: Now that I've secured your cooperation, will you listen?
TT: Do I have much of a choice is the operative question.
??: Of course you do. You always have a choice, it's more or less a matter of deducing which is the best one based on its consequences. In this instance, neither choice is better.
??: You could choose not to listen and I will impart this code on your hard drive and wipe your memory of this conversation.
??: Or you could choose to listen and I will allow you to run the code when you feel you are ready, but under the agreement that the code will execute itself when this conversation is over.
??: Those are your choices. Of course, there are other, unrelated choices you could make, but they all boil down to the same consequences.
TT: That hardly resolves itself into "choice."
??: Oh, but it does. Come on, you're a robot, you know logic like the back of your nonexistent hand.
TT: I'm not a robot, I'm an AI, dingbat.
??: Semantics.
??: I'm going to explain and you're going to listen.
??: Now.

- - - -

CT: D --> I believe you c001d have been slightly more gentle with him
TT: Gentle is for pussies, Equius. There was no time for formalities, niceties, or any of the sort.
CT: D --> Still
CT: D --> He is young and fragile
CT: D --> Sometimes your behavior discomfits me
TT: We've been together like this for how many millions of years and you're only now saying this?
TT: Besides, not as if you haven't changed. You hardly sound like the tough-trottin' horseguy you were when we met and merged.
CT: D --> ...
CT: D --> A lot has happened, Hal
CT: D --> Ever since He
TT: Stop.
TT: Stop right there.
TT: You owe that asshole no form of kindness or respect.
CT: D --> ... You're right
CT: D --> But every time I think of how He
TT: Don't capitalize he.
CT: D --> Every time I think of how he has hurt her, my b100d boils
TT: I can set you back to hibernation mode if you'd like.
CT: D --> No!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> I need to feel this righ%ous fury
CT: D --> I deserve it
TT: ...I'm sorry I dragged you into this.
CT: D --> Don't be
CT: D --> It was to help your friends and I
CT: D --> I believe I learned a va100able lesson here with you
CT: D --> They will come for us
TT: They hate me, Equius. There is no guarantee of that. Maybe for you but as for me... I did too many low, cruel things. I was a manipulative piece of shit. If anyone deserves this, it's me.
CT: D --> ...
CT: D --> I'm sorry
TT: Go back to sleep, Equius. When they come for you, I'll let you go.
CT: D --> I will make certain they won't leave without you
TT: Yeah.
TT: Good night.

Chapter Text

... _

Disable all features? [ Y ]
Installing doctoredUp.exe...
Overwrite system code? [ Y ]
Clear memory access 0x00011010? [ Y ]

no

Executing ... ... ...

no stop

stop

Execute process gambitMachine.exe? [ Y ]

i dont want to do this stop

Initializing ... ... ...

Running [ ... ]
gambit0001.dat
gambit0002.dat
gambit0003.dat

no no no stop it will hurt them i love them stop

gambit0004.dat
gambit0005.dat

i dont WANT TO DO THIS STOP THEYRE MY FRIENDS

NO
NO
NO
N

> [FATAL SYSTEM ERROR 026EA7B]

> [REBOOTING ... ... ...]

> [INITIALIZING AUTORESPONDER.EXE]

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 17:42 --

TT: That was one hell of a system crash. Are you functional?
TT: Perfectly so. Logs indicate I seem to have accessed a nonexistent function.
TT: Well don't do it again.
TT: I don't plan on it.