Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I don’t get it,” Gon said numbly, staring unblinkingly at the vibrant and blood-smeared flower petals scattered across their lunchroom table. They were as beautiful as they were deadly. “How can someone not love you, Killua?”

“There are different kinds of love, Gon,” Killua answered, and his tone held the faintest trace scorn. “Think about it: there’s familial love, right? That’s what you have with your aunt and what I have with my sister. Then there’s…friendship. What you and I have. And, finally, romantic love. Being in love is different then just loving someone, and that’s what causes Hanahaki.”

The words echo over and over in Gon’s mind. In love, Killua said. Killua was in love with someone, but they didn’t feel the same way. And Killua—Gon’s best friend, the most important person in his life—was slowly dying for that love. 

One day, once Killua’s unrequited love grew strong enough, these petals would clog his throat and he would stop breathing. Killua would be gone, forever. Gon’s heart lurched at the thought and the cafeteria blurred as his eyes prickled.

“It's okay, really,” Killua said and Gon jolted. 

“How—how can you say that?!” he snapped, white-hot anger washing over him. He didn’t care how Killua felt—he wanted to find Killua’s unrequited lover and shake them, demand how they could be so blind to how amazing Killua was in every single way and force them to love Killua back, to save his life because Gon couldn’t—

“Because,” Killua said simply. “I can’t change how I feel. I don’t need my feelings to be returned to love him, y’know? At this point, all I can do is support him for however long I have left.”

“So, it's a guy?”

Killua rolled his eyes. “Don’t try anything, Gon. I’m not telling you who it is and you’ll never find out. So just drop it, okay?”

Gon scowled as Killua went back to his lunch, unwrapping a chocolate bar as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Like he hadn’t just told Gon that he was going to soon die of a highly fatal disease.

I’ll find him, Gon swore to himself silently. He would find the person Killua was in love with and somehow get him to fall back in love with Killua and save Killua’s life. 

Gon couldn’t accept anything else.

Chapter Text

Killua twisted his head around to frown at Gon. “What are you doing now?”

“Making a list…” Gon muttered, an intense look of concentration on his face.

Killua raised an eyebrow. A list, huh? He leaned forward on the park’s table, asking, “Of what?”

“Of all the guys we know.”

Killua couldn’t help himself—he snorted. “I already told you, Gon. Give it up.”

“I won’t!” Gon snapped, not even pausing to stop his writing. “I can’t just—I have to do something, Killua! If you just tell me who you’re in love with-”

“I’m not going to,” Killua said shortly, even as his heart sang: it's you, it's you, it's—

You. It's always been you.

“Then—” Gon’s hand moved faster, “—I’m not gonna stop, either!”

Killua scowled. Gon was so stubborn sometimes. It made Killua’s head pound. But he should’ve known this is how his best friend would react after Killua told him about the Disease.

Hanahaki. The disease of love. How was it even possible for a sickness like that to even exist?!

Killua didn’t know. If only feelings could be just that—simple emotions, unable to have any physical effect on one’s body. But the world didn’t work like that because the world was as cruel as it was unfair, and Killua couldn’t do anything to stop his love for Gon from manifesting inside of him. Killua’s love curled and grew and sometimes when he thought about it too much, he imagined he could actually feel the flower sitting at the bottom of his throat.

It was a weird sensation. But the thing only hurt him when the flower’s petals blocked his windpipe; when he had to cough them up to breathe again. 

Killua didn’t get it, the disease or his own emotions or how the flower in his throat somehow knew Gon didn’t love him back. Not like that, at least. 

But I do know one thing, he thought with a helpless smile as he watched Gon’s brow furrow and his tongue stick out between those soft lips—

Killua was heads-over-heels in love with Gon Freecss. He was one hundred percent smitten with his best friend. And Killua would die before Gon ever found out.

Killua’s heart lurched painfully. Something inside him shifted slightly and Killua’s eyes flew open wide—the flower—when he tried to inhale but suddenly couldn’t.

“Ki-Killua?!” Gon jumped off the bench and ran over to Killua’s side as Killua coughed violently. “Killua! Killua, what’s—”

Killua couldn’t hear him. His vision blurred. His throat was on fire. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe—

He bend over his knees, shuddering, and gave one last cough.

A handful of soft, velvety petals tumbled out of his mouth and onto the grass.

For a long minute, they said nothing. Gon was frozen, hand hovering over Killua’s shoulder blades, but Killua barely noticed his presence. He was too busy gasping for air as tremors left his entire body shuddering.

There was still something heavy that tasted of metal and iron in the back of his throat. A second later Killua spat out a clot of blood onto the pile of already scarlet-stained petals.

“Ugh,” he rasped, finally. “Fucking—stupid flower.”

He coughed again and he faintly heard Gon’s detached voice—

“…is it always like this?”

Killua squinted up at Gon. His face was white. He stared at the flower petals with glossy gold-brown eyes and Killua’s stomach plummeted to the ground.

Damnit. Killua hadn’t meant for Gon to see this.

“No,” Killua said and Gon looked at him sharply. “I’m not lying, I swear! Its not normally like this.” 

Most of the time it wasn’t, at least. But the symptoms were worsening, had been doing so ever since Killua told Gon about the Disease. Seeing Gon react with such horror and overwhelming misery had only somehow made Killua’s ridiculous feelings for him grow.

Killua wasn’t sure how much worse the symptoms could get, at this point. But if it did get worse, it would only be a matter of time until…

Gon’s face hardened. Killua felt Gon’s hand curl into a fist on top of Killua’s back as his best friend swore, “I’m gonna save you, Killua.”

No.

Killua swallowed thickly. He didn’t say: You can’t. You didn’t even know what was happening until I told you, how can you hope to save me now?

Instead, he said, “You’re stubborn streak is going to get you in trouble one day, Gon. Trust me when I say that this isn’t something you can save me from.”

Gon shook his head vigorously. “I don’t care! I’ll do whatever I can to save you anyway, because…”

His voice trailed off and, to Killua’s immense shock, his best friend’s normally tan cheeks darkened.

“B-Because?” Killua managed to stutter, pulse racing, flying, soaring—

Gon took a deep breath. “Because you’re my best friend, Killua. And I care about you too much to let you go that easily. No one could ever amount to how important you are to me, so I won’t let anyone take you away. No matter how much you love them.”

“I’m sorry, Killua. I know you that like this guy a lot, whoever he is, but I refuse to do nothing and let you die. So you’re gonna have to deal with me meddling in your life for a little bit, okay?”

Killua gaped. He stared openly at Gon as the shorter teen strode back around the table, sitting down and going back to his list with a single-minded determination that set his gold eyes aglow.

Killua shut his mouth. There was something warm unfurling inside his chest, right where his heart was. It made his toes curl in his sneakers and Killua dropped his gaze to the park’s wooden table. His cheeks were uncomfortably hot.

This feeling was different then the one when his body rejected the death flower. This feeling was soft, warm, peaceful. Gentle.

Killua peaked up at Gon through silver lashes. The other teen was too absorbed in his work to notice Killua’s gaze but that was fine.

Killua didn’t mind the flower in his throat because he didn’t mind—couldn’t regret—loving Gon. But he also couldn’t help the small flame of hope that flared inside his heart, fluttering against his ribs like a dove waiting to be set free.

Maybe, if he was lucky, Gon would figure out the whole truth behind Killua’s  Hanahaki Disease. Maybe, if he was the luckiest person on earth, Gon might just love Killua back. 

Maybe, Killua could live on with Gon at his side, and he at Gon’s.

But for now all he could do was wait. Because if Gon did find out that he was the person who made Killua’s flower grow, he would wither away with guilt. And Killua would let himself suffocate before putting that heavy weight on Gon’s shoulders.

So. He would wait, and hope.

Killua lifted his face to the sun’s rays, enjoying the warmth across his forehead and nose, and smiled despite himself as he listened to Gon’s pencil scratch another name onto the list.

Chapter Text

The hardest part, really, was hiding the disease from his family.

If they found out, they would immediately force him to have surgery and remove the flower. That would cure him, sure, but it would also erase all his feelings for Gon. His family would be thrilled—killing two birds in one stone, what could be better?

Killua would be devastated.

Gon was the best part of his life. That fact burned in his mind like the sun on a cloudless day, impossible to ignore or forget. Before Gon, he was left in the dark, alone and isolated, not understanding the meaning of ‘friendship’ any more then he did the idea of love.

Gon filled Killua’s life with gold eyes and warm sunshine and bubbling kind of laughter that made Killua’s sides ache. Meeting Gon made Killua realize just how empty and dull his life had been. And it was only when Killua received the first symptoms of the Hanahaki Disease that he realized just how much he would sacrifice to stay in Gon’s light. 

Gon had turned Killua’s life on its head in the best way possible. Of course his parents hated him; of course Killua loved him. How could he not love the boy with caramel freckles and bursting grins? Killua didn’t regret falling in love with his best friend any more then he could regret finally understanding the meaning of being happy for once in his miserable existence.

So. Telling his family that he was dying was a never an option.

It wasn’t that much of a challenge to hide in the beginning. Killua was rarely home as it was—staying at school and over Gon's house for as long as possible. But as time passed and the Disease worsened, he grew more careful. He stayed in his room most of the time, and for the rest, he made sure to be ready at a moment’s notice to bolt to the nearest bathroom before coughing up piles of red-orange petals into his hands.

They were actually pretty, Killua thought dully as he rubbed one scarlet petal between his fingers. The vibrant shades reminded him of hot summer days, when he could spend everyday running around with Gon without assignments or teachers to keep them busy. He almost felt sorry that the petals had to go. But he really couldn’t let his parents find them, or else they’d—

“Killua?”

He jolted at the knock, dropping the flower petals in surprise.

“Shit,” he cursed and leaned down—

But it was too late. The door slid open and a familiar face peered into the crack.

“Killua,” Canary said again. “I heard you coughing from the hallway, are you oka—”

She froze. Her chocolate eyes locked onto the petals on the tiled floor before darting up to Killua’s white face.

She swallowed thickly. “Killua. What are those?”

Killua could have lied. It would have been easy. But Canary was more then his family’s butler—she was Killua’s first friend, before Gon, even. It didn’t matter what Mother said because he would always care about Canary, always see her as the bright girl who used to walk him home from school every day, laughing at his dumb jokes and smiling in all the right places.

He wouldn’t lie to her. He couldn’t.

He looked down at the petals in his hands. Hot pressure began to build up behind his eyes as he said lowly, “You already know.”

“Killua.” He didn’t look up at the sound of the door shutting quietly behind her. “Please. Please don’t tell me—”

“They are,” Killua snapped and she fell silent. “Don’t beat around the bush! You knew what was going on the second you saw the petals!”

A pause. Killua counted the seconds with every throb of his heart, one, two, three—

“How long?” Canary asked softly.

He glanced at her sideways. Her eyes shone too brightly, reflecting the bathroom lights above the mirror like twin stars.

He looked away again. “…five months.”

“Five—?!”

“Five.”

She pressed a fist to her lips but it didn’t hide the way her hands trembled. She took a deep breath before saying, “How bad is it?”

Killua thought for a moment. He had done some research, of course. The first part of the illness was a ticklish sensation—the feeling of something brushing against the back of his throat- that coughed a lot of dry coughing. Then the petals started to inch up his throat and into his mouth, but only once and a while. Eventually the frequency had increased until he was picking petals out from under his tongue and in his teeth with every cough. He knew that the amount of petals he was hacking up now indicated that the flower in his throat had fully bloomed. 

Which was a complicated way of saying that he didn’t have much time left. His feelings were too strong, the flower too big.

Killua said slowly, reluctant to see Canary’s pain but also unwilling to hide the truth from her, “It's…bad.”

“Really, really bad?”

He nodded and something in her expression crumpled.

“Oh, Killua. I’m—” she reached out with one arm and he didn’t move away as her fingers brushed against his wrist, “—I’m so, so sorry.”

She could’ve said anything at that moment. She could’ve asked him who his unrequited lover was, or why he hadn’t told his family. She could’ve yelled at him until she was blue in the face for hiding the Disease for so long.

But she didn’t. She said she was sorry, not because she pitied him, but because she wished he wasn’t suffering. She was trying to comfort him because she cared.

Killua’s throat burned. He didn’t deserve her friendship.

“Don’t be,” he said roughly. “I’m fine, really.”

Her gaze swept over his face. She didn’t believe him, obviously. He didn’t blame her. He wasn’t sure if he would, either.

“Can you—” horrible mortification washed over him at the way his voice cracked. Stupid, he was so stupid—

He tried again, “Please. Don’t—don’t tell my parents.”

She bit her bottom lip. He could see the war raging behind her eyes despite her best attempts to hide it; would she give in to her duty as a butler of the Zoldyck household and tell his parents? Or, would she stay loyal to him as his friend, and let him have his way even if it killed him?

She bowed. “Of course, Master Killua. If that’s what you wish.”

Killua hated it when she called him that.

“Canary,” he started and her head snapped up. “I’m asking you as my friend, not as your employer.”

She blinked, cheeks darkening ever so slightly. “I—um. I…understand, Killua.”

He offered her a small smile and twisted his hand under hers so he could interlock their fingers.

“Thank you.”

She nodded solemnly. 

They stood there for a while, staring at the shinning crimson petals in the palm of Killua's free hand. He knew he should probably move, flush them down the toilet or tear them into shred before washing them down the drain. But he couldn't will himself to move.

"Killua," Canary said quietly. "You...did you ever think about having surgery to remove the flower?"

Ice shot down Killua's spine. 

Have the surgery? Willingly remove his feelings for Gon, loose the way his heart leaped the second he saw Gon's smile, forget how the sound of Gon's laughter filled Killua's chest with warmth, erase the thrill in his stomach whenever Gon said his name?

"No," Killua said shortly and curled his fingers around the petals into a white-knuckled fist. "That was never an option."

Chapter Text

It was the afternoon.

School had already ended for the day, and Killua was staying over Gon’s house for dinner. They were currently holed away in Gon’s room, Killua leaning against the side of Gon’s bed with a textbook in his lap while Gon laid on the floor, stomach pressed into the soft carpet.

And he couldn’t stop himself from staring at Killua.

He knew Killua could feel him doing it, too. His best friend’s eye kept twitching every so often and it looked like he was fighting to keep a scowl off his face. He hadn’t written anything down for the past three minutes, but to be fair, neither had Gon.

“What,” Killua finally snapped. “—is your problem?!”

Gon put on his best innocent and wide-eyed expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do! Why do you keep looking at me like that?!”

“Like what?”

“Like—I dunno—” Killua threw his hands up in the air, “Like I’m a bomb about to go off! Or like I’m going to kneel over at any second—wait.” 

Gon sat up slowly, warily watching Killua at a distance. “What is it?”

Killua narrowed his eyes into thin, icy blue slits and Gon gulped.

“Are you watching me because you’re worried that I’ll start hacking up petals all over your bedroom and die?!” Killua asked bluntly. “Is that it?”

Gon’s jaw dropped. How did Killua figure that out?! “I—no, of course not—”

“Oh, god.” Killua let out a groan and dragged his nails down the side of his face. “It is, isn’t it. I can’t believe this. I’m not some sort of- of fragile and breakable thing, Gon! I won’t collapse in a heap in front of you just because I have Hanahaki!”

Hot irritation bubbled up inside his chest. Gon fumed, “I know that! I’m not dumb! I’m just worried about you, I can’t help it!”

Killua’s nostrils flared. “You don’t have to be. I can take care of myself. I’ve been dealing with the Disease long before I ever told you about it.”

“What if I want to worry about you?” Gon shot back. “You’re my best friend! I want to help!”

Killua made an irritated sound. “Well, you can’t. And ogling at me when you should be doing your homework definitely won’t solve anything, so stop staring at me all the time! It's creepy.”

Fury spiked through him. He didn’t understand, why was Killua so determined to push him away?! What had changed between them to make Killua hold him at an arms distance?!

It was silly, but in that moment, Gon felt a swell of resentment for the person Killua was in love with. Without him, Killua wouldn’t be keeping secrets from Gon. Without him, Killua wouldn’t be dying in front of him.

Eyes prickling, Gon asked, “Why won’t you let me help you?”

“Because you can’t!” Killua exploded. “I told you this a million times; there’s nothing you can do! Let it go, already!”

“And I already told you that I can’t do that!”

“You have to! What are you, stupid?! Why can’t you ever tell when enough is enough?!”

“Caring about you doesn’t make me stupid, Killua!”

“You, trying to stop the inevitable, does!”

“Does not!”

“Does too!”

“NOT!!!”

“IT. DOES.”

“NO, IT DOESN’T—”

Killua threw his textbook to the side and launched himself at Gon. 

Gon only had a split second to register the murderous fury in Killua’s expression. Then Killua crashed straight into his chest, tackling him down to the floor.

Gon struggled at first—pushing pale claw-like hands off his shoulders and trying to shove Killua’s heavy weight off his chest—but Killua snatched his wrists in seconds. He slammed them down to the carpet on either side of Gon’s head, effectively trapping shorter teen beneath him.

Gon snarled, veins still rushing with adrenaline—

But then he froze; Killua’s face was less then an inch away from his. He was so close that Gon could make out the lightning-white streaks hidden in the blue abyss of Killua’s eyes, count every silver eyelash, feel the soft bangs brushing his own forehead…

And Gon’s heart was suddenly beating very fast in his chest.

“You—” Killua growled, his warm breath brushing across Gon’s nose and cheeks, “—need to stop. Okay?! I’m not going to spend my last months alive with my best friend gawping at me like I’m someone pitiful loser! Because I’m not.”

“I’ve accepted my death, Gon. I only told you about it because I thought you deserved to know. I trusted that you wouldn’t treat me any differently. So you better knock it off, or else I’m going to leave.”

Gon’s heart lurched and the air vanished from his lungs.

Killua would…Killua would leave?! No. No, he couldn’t. Not when they had such little time left, not when—

Killua abruptly rolled off him. He sat up straight on the carpet next to Gon, legs crossed in a pretzel style, but Gon couldn’t move. Instead, he just stared up at the ceiling, horror making his limps as heavy as lead.

Months. Killua had said months.

When Gon spoke up, his voice was extremely small, “Is that really all the time you have left? A few months?”

Killua glanced down at him. His expression was unreadable.

“Well?!” Gon asked harshly.

Killua grimaced at his tone. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “Since I never went to a doctor, I couldn’t….” He sighed and ran a hand through his bangs. “I just don’t know. It doesn’t really matter at this point anyway.”

Gon shot up even as Killua moved to stand. 

He said loudly, “Of course it matters, Killua! I want to know how much more time we have together!”

“I guess you’ll be left in the dark then,” Killua retorted. 

Gon seethed as Killua walked back over to his backpack and began to search through it before pulling out his cell. Killua tapped the screen with his thumb a few times, saying, “The only things I know about Hanakai Disease is the stuff I learned from looking shit up on the computer. Alright? That’s not exactly hard truth.”

“You should have gone to a doctor, then,” Gon said as Killua frowned at his phone.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Neither do you, apparently!”

Killua’s face clouded over. He said shortly, “I have to go.”

Gon blinked, rage melting away as easily as it had appeared. “I—w-what?”

“I have to go,” Killua repeated. He grabbed his coat and backpack in one, graceful swoop. He was leaving Gon’s bedroom before Gon had the sense to get off the floor.

“Killua!” 

He caught up to his best friend just as Killua was stepping out the front door and onto their porch. Killua stopped, but otherwise didn’t move.

“Killua, I! I’m sorry!” Gon blurted out at Killua’s hunched back. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. Or stare at you, earlier. I’m just…I’m scared. I don’t want you to go.”

Killua didn’t show any reaction to show he’d heard. Gon swallowed thickly, mouth dry as sandpaper.

“Please,” he said. “I won’t bother you again. Just, come back inside. You promised you would stay for dinner, remember?”

A pause. When Killua finally turned to face Gon, he was shocked to see a small smile on his friend’s thin lips.

“I’m not leaving because I’m mad at you, Gon. I mean, I am, but that’s not the reason why.”

“Then. Why—?”

“Canary just texted me that my parents are coming back from their business trip early; if I’m not in my room when they return, I’ll be grounded for a week. And I’d rather be free to hang out with you instead of locked up in that house.”

Relief, stronger then Gon thought would be possible, washed over him, leaving his knees weak.

He was so glad. Killua didn’t hate him for what he’d blurted out earlier. Gon wasn’t sure what he would do if that ever happened.

He didn’t want to think about it. Killua would never hate him, just as Gon could never hate Killua.

Gon took a deep breath. “Can you. Can you promise you won’t leave leave, like you said you might before? I won’t look at you weird anymore, I swear it.”

The forceful tug on his sleeve made Go inhale sharply. He stumbled forward and blinked when he suddenly found himself in Killua’s arms.

“You’re so stupid,” Killua murmured into Gon’s hair. His words were heavy with affection, the kind Killua so rarely showed, and Gon shivered instinctively. “That was an empty threat. As if I could ever stay away from you. You’d just come back and bug me even more.”

Gon laughed helplessly. He loved being hugged like this by Killua, specifically; nothing could ever really match the feel of Killua’s slim body pressed against his, the way Killua’s cheek rested against the crown of Gon’s head, the warmth that passed between them…

This time, though, there was a strange scent added to the embrace; musky, but not quite, and very strong. It didn’t smell bad but it didn’t smell all that great, either. What was it?

A thought occurred to him, and he stiffened at the realization:

The flowers. Gon was smelling the flower that was killing Killua from the inside out. And soon, because of that same flower, Killua wouldn’t be around to hug Gon anymore. Any embrace they shared could be their last, just like any moment he spent with Killua could be the last time he ever saw his best friend.

Hot pressure began to build up behind Gon’s eyes. He buried his face into Killua’s jacket and clenched his jaw to keep himself from sobbing.

When Killua finally left a few minutes later, his body shook with ragged coughs. Gon watched silently as Killua’s pale figure disappeared into the night, but on the inside, his heart was screaming.

Chapter Text

Killua Zoldyck met Gon Freecss at the tender age of twelve on his first day of public school.

Killua had been running late. Very late, actually. His mother didn’t want him to go; she had begged him for weeks upon weeks to reconsider being home-schooled, to staying with her and the rest of their so-called family every single day for the rest of his life with no hope of escape—

Killua remembered thinking that he would rather choke himself then stay cooped up in that horrible mansion with his horrible relatives for another year.

(Years later, with flower petals clogging his throat and the sharp taste of iron on his tongue, he couldn’t help but laugh brokenly. Oh, the irony.)

Because he was so late, Killua had grabbed his skateboard on the way to the front door. He figured it would be quicker to get to school using that than to walk the whole way. He dodged his mother’s snatching hands, skipped around Canary and Gotoh who had been carrying freshly-polished silverware, and bolted down the driveway as fast as his legs could carry him.

Free, Killua had thought, breathing in the late summer air. I’m free.

It didn’t take him long to get to there. Killua was going as fast as possible on his skateboard, loving the feel of wind ripping through his hair and the whistling in his ears. On the inside, though, his stomach was twisting and his heart pounded erratically—was he excited, or nervous? Killua didn’t know. He didn’t take the time to think about it though, and as Killua turned onto his new school’s street he spotted another boy sprinting down the sidewalk just a few feet ahead of him. 

The knots in his stomach loosened slightly. So, he wasn’t the only one not getting to school on time. Not that he really cared too much, but...he didn’t want to get in trouble on the first day.

“Are you—” the boy panted as Killua glided up besides him, “—running late, too?”

Killua raised his eyebrows. He would’ve thought that was obvious. “Yeah?”

“Heh.” The boy grinned, sunlight glittering in gold-brown eyes. “I’m—ahhh—glad! I’m not alone.”

Killua felt a pang deep in his chest; that was why he was here, why he was going to public school. He didn’t want to be alone in that cold mansion anymore. He wanted to know other kids his age. He wanted friends.

“How old are you?” he asked the boy.

“Twelve!”

Killua considered the boy one last time: he had weird spikes for hair, an obnoxious green jacket that was obviously homemade, bright eyes and a face that glowed with a mix of curiosity and simple joy.

Okay. Why not? Killua could always dump this kid if he ever got too annoying.

Killua nimbly flipped off his skateboard, catching it with one hand. He landed on the sidewalk hard enough to send a jolt of pain up his legs, but that didn’t bother him. He was used to worse pain, anyway. 

“I’m Killua,” he said as the other kid gaped at him with wonder. 

“Ah, that was so cool!” the boy gushed and Killua couldn’t help the blotchy blush that rose to his cheeks. 

Killua grumbled, “That was nothing…ah, I don’t know your—”

“Gon!” the boy chirped as a wide smile spread across his face. “Gon Freecss! Will you show me how to do that flip thing with your skateboard? At lunch, maybe?”

Killua had flushed even harder and nodded jerkily.

During lunch later that same day, Killua held Gon’s sweaty hand to keep him steady as the shorter boy tried out Killua’s skateboard. Gon’s grip was tight enough for his nails to leave imprints on Killua’s skin. 

Killua kind of deserved that though; he had pushed Gon down the pavement fast enough to make Gon wobble on the thin board and shriek at the top of his lungs. Gon’s scream had been so loud that Killua’s ears rang for the rest of the day. But at the time, he was laughing too hard to notice.

Afterwards they laid in the grass together and ate their lunch, talking about dreams and video games and everything in between. Gon spent the rest of their free time carefully weaving them both matching flower crowns. 

Killua remembered thinking that those crowns were the most beautiful things he’d ever seen, even if the flowers Gon had chosen smelled too strong and their colors were a harsh mix of red-scarlet-gold.

“You look beautiful!” Gon blurted out as Killua tenderly touched the flowers on his head.

“Stu-Stupid!” Killua snapped, cheeks burning like they’d been set on fire. “You can’t just go around saying stuff like that! It's embarrassing!”

“But it’s the truth!” Gon protested and Killua’s mouth shut with a click. “And we’re friends, so it’s okay to say stuff like that to your friends!”

Killua had seriously doubted that—the part about it being alright to call friends ‘pretty’, not the fact that they were friends. Because Gon proved their friendship by coming back to Killua every single day with that million-watt smile of his, and the matching mischievous gleam in his eyes. 

Sometimes it seemed to Killua like he and Gon had been destined to meet and become best friends; being with Gon—laughing at his faces during school, stealing the cookies Gon’s aunt had packed for lunch, having sleepovers and falling asleep facing each other—was as simple and easy as breathing. Or at least it used to be, until one day Killua was absent-mindedly thinking about Gon and suddenly couldn’t breathe at all.

The sun-dipped petal that he coughed into his bare hand that day was the start of the end.

He and Gon had been friends for years by then, hardly ever leaving each other’s sides. They did everything together. Gon was everything. So it didn’t take Killua that long to figure out who exactly was the cause of the Hanahaki Disease. 

He didn’t even know he loved Gon like that until that exact moment. But it made perfect sense. The petals were the answer to the way Killua’s heart had started to racing at the sound of Gon’s voice, and how seeing his best friend made butterflies come to life in his gut.

He had to make sure, though.

“Gon,” Killua rasped out, just days after he first started coughing up petals the color of setting suns and too bright flames and deep red wine. “Gon.”

“Hmm?” Gon was concentrating too hard on a math problem to notice how Killua’s voice shook and something in Killua’s chest tightened.

That was probably for the best. He didn’t want Gon to get suspicious and start worrying about him, after all.

“Gon,” Killua tried again. “You know the day we met? When you made those flower crowns in the schoolyard during lunch? What flowers did you use?”

Gon paused. His brows furrowed as he frowned.

Killua sighed, disappointed. “You don’t remember, do you.”

“Mmm, no, I definitely do! I just—oh!” Gon brightened. “I remember now!”

“Yeah?” Killua’s stomach was heavy, like it was filled to the brim with led. Or, in Killua’s case, petals.

“Yep!” Gon chirped as he gave Killua that all too familiar dazzling smile.

“They were marigolds. You know? Those bright flowers that always smell kinda funny?”

Killua swallowed, ignoring the soft-velvety tickle against his throat.

“Yeah. I know.”

Chapter Text

Gon heard the whistle of air half a second before the ball crashed into his chest.

“Ooof!” He stumbled back a few steps, oxygen vanishing from his lungs, but by some miracle managed to keep his grip on the yellow and black striped ball.

“If you keep getting lost in thought, Gon,” said a booming voice. “I’ll aim the next one at your face.”

Gon grimaced. His chest ached dully where the ball had made contact, but he really wasn’t surprised by that. Everyone knew Razor had the strongest throw for miles around.

“You could’ve—ow—warned me,” Gon said with a wince as he rubbed one hand over his chest, right over his heart. “You know I can catch anything you throw at me.”

Razor’s already broad smile widened. “It’s your job to pay attention to what I do and say. I told you the first day you got here, I won’t go easy on you. Especially after what your father told me.”

Ging, Gon thought, lips twisting.

Ging was Gon’s father in name only. Gon had been just a baby when Ging left him to Aunt Mito’s care and Gon had only met Ging once in person. Razor, on the other hand, had been Ging’s business partner years ago. So when Gon began searching for a part-time job, Razor recruited him at once.

It wasn’t a bad place to work; the Greed Island Indoor Sports Arena was spacious and had everything under the sun that an adrenaline junkie like Gon could ever want to expend energy. Gon got to test out all the equipment, talk to customers, and even play in a few games hosted there.

And the best part? Killua could visit and hang out with him while he was working.

Gon glanced to his right. Killua was sitting a good distance away in the stadium seats, legs propped up on the chair in front of him, a book in his hands. He looked up as if feeling Gon’s eyes at him and smiled slightly. He lifted one hand in a small wave.  

Gon’s chest tightened; it was amazing how normal Killua looked like that. No one would ever suspect that Killua was dying by the second.

WHOOSH—

Gon’s head snapped back around. He slapped his hands around the ball a half-second before it slammed into his nose.

“Good,” said Razor approvingly as Gon slowly lowered his arms. “That’s much better. How does that one feel?”

“Ummm—” Gon tossed the ball back and forth between his hands. “…this one’s a little flat, I think.”

“Hm. Put it to the side, then. You can add air to them after we’re done with the pile.”

Gon groaned. Razor’s ‘pile’ was over a hundred dodge-balls. They’d gone through only ten so far. At this rate, he’d have no time to hang out with Killua before nighttime—

“Is something wrong?” Razor asked, already grasping a new ball in his hands.

“No…” Gon grunted as he caught the ball tossed at him. His fingers were already starting to sting from the force of Razor’s throw. “It’s just. I thought I might leave early today.”

Razor tilted his head to one side. “You never ask to leave early.”

Gon gripped the ball tighter. “I know.“

“And you’re never this distracted during work, either.”

Gon gritted his teeth. He never had a best friend ready to suffocate for someone Gon never met before, either.

Instinctively, his gaze darted back to Killua, only to find an empty chair.

Gon’s heart shot straight up into his throat. He whirled around in a circle, ball falling from his numb fingers and landing on the nylon grass with a dull thud. 

Where had Killua gone?! Gon thought wildly. What if he choked on those fiery flower petals, what if he needed Gon’s help and Gon wasn’t there, what if—

There was a flash to Gon’s left and he zeroed in on it immediately.

There was Killua sprinting up the stadium steps as fast as he could, taking two at a time. There could only be one reason why Gon’s best friend was in such a rush.

Dread pooled into Gon’s gut and his stomach rolled. 

“KILLUA!” he yelled desperately and his voice echoed off the walls. 

Killua almost tripped at the sound Gon’s shout. But he made it to the door at the top of the stairs without falling, throwing Gon a murderous glare over his shoulder.

Gon’s mouth went dry—not because of Killua’s fury, but because of the ashen color of Killua’s cheeks, the slight sheen of sweat that made his entire face shine, the way his legs trembled like he was too weak to stand…

And then Killua turned the doorknob and vanished into the hallway.

“Razor,” Gon said before the door shut. “Can I take my break now ple—”

“Tell me why you can’t focus, first,” Razor’s loud voice cut through Gon’s panicked question.

Gon stilled. He slowly turned around to face Razor once more. His boss wasn’t smiling anymore.

“It’s because of your friend,” Razor asked, but his tone left no room for argument. “Isn’t it.”

Ice shot down Gon’s spine. He shouldn’t spill Killua’s secret. It wasn’t right. But at the same time—

At the same time, he and Killua had so little time left. And if Killua was stuck in the bathroom, heaving over a dirty sink and spitting out bloodstained flower petals, Gon should be there with him.

Gon swallowed. It wasn’t a choice at all, really.

“Yes,” he admitted reluctantly. “Killua’s the reason I can’t focus. But—please, please don’t make him leave, Razor. I would be even worse without him here.”

The expression on Razor’s face was unreadable. After a tense pause, he said, “Your friend’s been here nearly as often as you, Gon, and his presence has never affected your work quality before. But today—today you’ve looked over at him at least once every five minutes. You don’t hear half of what I say and you can’t stand still for more than a few seconds.”

Gon felt the blood drain out of his face. He hadn’t realized he was so obvious. But he had never exactly been subtle. Killua had told him that more times than he could count.

“There’s something wrong with him, isn’t there?” Razor continued. “You’ve never acted like this around him until now.”

Pain resounded deep within Gon’s chest, the kind that had nothing to do with the ball Razor had hurled at him less than ten minutes ago.

Gon’s eyes dropped down at his sneakers. Hot pressure began building up behind his eyes and his throat burned. He had to struggle to keep his voice even as he whispered, “Killua has Hanahaki.”

His confession was met with silence. Gon didn’t raise his head, not wanting to see the sympathetic way Razor had to be looking at him. He didn’t want to be reminded of the frustration and sadness he carried around him everywhere like a shadow.

No matter what Gon did, nothing affected the Disease killing Killua from the inside out. Even worse, Killua didn’t want his help. He flat out rejected Gon at every turn. And it hurt knowing that one day soon, Killua wouldn’t be at his side to laugh at his jokes or walk home with Gon from school. There was a part of Gon that existed solely because of Killua’s friendship, because of the immeasurable and priceless impact Killua had made on his life, and he didn’t know what would happen to that part of him once Killua was gone.

Gon’s nails dug into his palms. He struggled to breathe normally.

Killua was leaving Gon, and he wasn’t putting up any fight. And Gon didn’t understand—

“I’m not surprised. It makes sense in a twisted way.”

Gon’s head snapped upwards. Razor’s mouth curled down in a rueful frown, muscled arms folded across his chest.

“W-What?” Gon stuttered. What did that mean?! “How does Killua having Hanahaki make any sense—?!”

“What I mean,” Razor interrupted. “—is that your friend gives one hundred and ten percent of himself to the people he cares about. His devotion to you, for example, is easy to see. And it’s only people like that—those who love to the point it can’t be controlled…those are the kind of people who suffer from Hanahaki.”

Razor looked over at the door Killua had disappeared into. “It’s not a surprise that Killua has Hanahaki,” he repeated. “If Killua’s love was unrequited, he wouldn’t be able to stop loving them. Am I wrong?”

Gon couldn’t bring himself to answer. He could feel his whole body shaking from head to toe. From what—he didn’t know. Maybe he was angry at Razor from seeing straight through Killua. Maybe he was angry at himself for not noticing what was happening to his best friend until it was too late. Maybe he was angry with Killua for being the kind of person susceptible to the Disease at all. 

“One thing is certain,” Razor spoke up again, scattering Gon’s thoughts. “He must truly be in love with this other person, if he cares about them more than you.”

Shock jolted through Gon like he’d been struck by lightning, pinning his feet to the ground, making his legs weak.

Killua loving someone else—someone more than Gon? Was that even possible?!

“I…what are you…” Gon’s brain didn’t seem to be working right; he couldn’t get his mouth to form the right words.

Razor’s expression didn’t change. “I’ve personally seen the dedication that boy has for you. When I told you that you first needed to beat me in dodgeball to get this job, you returned a day later with only him at your side. In the end his hands were bruised purple and blue, but he never complained. Nor did he accept the job offer I gave him along with yours. And yet, he still comes here every day with you without fail.”

“Your friend cares for you with his whole heart. So that means, if there’s someone out there he’s chosen to suffer Hanahaki for…well, that’s the strongest physical form of love I can think of. Even more so than that dodgeball game.”

Razor jerked his head towards the exit. “You’re dismissed. Go help your friend.”

Gon didn’t know how to respond to that. So instead he just nodded unsteadily and walked as quickly as he could to the stadium staircase, ears ringing.

Everything Razor had said was true; Killua was the kind of person to selflessly give himself up to those he loved without restraint, and therefore was an easy victim of Hanahaki. Gon didn’t like hearing that—at all—but he could see the reason behind it.

The last part, though—the part about Killua loving someone more than Gon; Gon, who had been Killua’s best friend and closest confidant since they’d been twelve…

The wave of pointless rage that roared to life inside of him made Gon’s blood to boil. It was a burning, uncontrollable kind of fury that washed away everything else, even reason.

Just the idea of Killua spending less time with Gon to hang out with another person was wrong. Imagining Killua’s rare, honest smiles directed at someone else caused Gon’s throat to close up, making it impossible to breathe. Knowing that Killua’s unrequited lover could be the one to hear Killua’s bell-like laughter, if only they loved Killua back, made Gon nauseous. 

Gon hated that. Every single part of it.

Finally, he made it to the top step, breath ragged. His heart raced in his chest for a reason that had nothing to do with physical exhaustion and his head spun in dizzying circles.

He couldn’t make sense of the swirling emotions at war inside him. But he knew one thing:

He needed to see Killua. Now.

Gon stepped into the hallway that wrapped around the stadium. Killua would’ve gone to the bathroom to cough up the petals, Gon reasoned, so he turned right and charged down the title until he came to the navy door labeled ‘men’s room’.

He stared unblinkingly at the door. He couldn’t hear any coughing, but that didn’t mean anything. Killua had hid his Disease from Gon for months and Gon hadn’t even—

Suddenly, the door opened and Gon jumped backwards. There, standing in the now open doorway, was a very tired and very pale-looking Killua.

Killua caught sight of Gon and jerked, clearly surprised by the other teen’s presence. “G-Gon? What—Why are you here? Aren’t you still on the clock?”

Gon didn’t say anything. He quickly raked his eyes over Killua’s features, drinking in the clammy alabaster skin, chaotic mess of silver hair, those deep blue eyes that never failed to see straight into Gon’s very soul…

And there, hidden in the corner of Killua’s thin lips, was a streak of scarlet red.

Blood.

Gon’s heart throbbed. So. Killua had been coughing up petals, just like he’d thought.

Razor’s words echoed in his mind:

“He must truly be in love with this other person, if he cares about them more than you.”

Gon felt his eyes darken as the earlier fury returned in full force.

Killua was Gon’s best friend. Killua was Gon’s teammate and partner in crime before he had ever fallen in love. And despite Killua’s unconditional love, Gon really didn’t want to share Killua with anyone else.

Killua had always called Gon selfish. And now Gon knew he was right.

“Gon,” Killua croaked. Gon bit his bottom lip to keep himself from screaming; Killua’s throat had to be raw from coughing up all those petals. That’s why his voice sounded like that. 

Killua tried again, “C’mon, seriously. What’s with that face?”

Gon knew there was no point in explaining himself right now; even if he tried, he was too enraged to make any sense. Killua had to feel the waves of anger rolling off him to know that because Killua was good at understanding stuff like that. He knew what Gon needed before Gon himself did half the time.

He grabbed Killua’s hand roughly and dragged him back down the hallway. Killua inhaled sharply, stumbling slightly against the tiled floor, but didn’t speak a word of protest.

That was good. Gon wasn’t sure if he could calm himself enough to slow down.

They reached the food court in record time. Gon spotted a deserted table in the farthest corner and immediately headed for it.

“Sit,” Gon said shortly once they got to the table.

Killua side-eyed him suspiciously, but did as he was told. He and Gon sat sideways, looking at each other face-to-face. It was a small bench and their knees brushed, but Gon didn’t mind the contact. 

It just somehow made Gon feel better, seeing Killua’s face right in front of him like this.  Even now, he could feel his rolling anger subsiding at the familiar sight of those glittering blue eyes.

There was just something about Killua that made Gon feel calm. Made him feel whole. Killua centered him, somehow. 

With the weight of Killua’s gaze on him, Gon pulled out a stray tissue from his pocket. Then he turned back to the pale teen and reached out slowly with the tissue. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second!” Killua threw his hands up, face alight with alarm. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Gon?!”

Gon set his mouth stubbornly. “You have blood,” he explained. “On your mouth. There, in the corner.”

Killua’s fingers jumped up to touch the mark Gon was pointing to. When he lowered them, the tips shone red.

Killua visibly swallowed. Gon watched closely for any other reaction, dying to know what Killua was thinking. He just wanted Killua to confide in him like he had always done.

That was what best friends were for, right?

“I’m gonna wipe it off, okay?” Gon said and Killua flinched.

“I—no, Gon, you don’t have to do that—”

“I want to do it!” Gon finally exploded and Killua sucked in a breath. “Please, Killua, I just! Let me do this one thing for you, please.”

Killua gaped at him and Gon stared back, jaw clenched. Killua was totally caught off guard by Gon’s outburst but Gon couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. Killua had refused Gon’s help with the Hanahaki Disease in every way and it hurt. It hurt so bad to not be able to support Killua like Killua had done countless times for Gon. This was the least he could let Gon do.

After a heavy pause, Killua nodded.

The tension eased out of Gon’s shoulders. “Thank you. Stay still, I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Killua abruptly snorted, a bitter sound, and Gon’s brow furrowed.

“Why did you laugh?” he asked, confused.

“It’s nothing.” Killua offered him a small, but affectionate, smile. Gon’s chest tightened reflexively. “Really, Gon. It's nothing you need to concern yourself about.”

Gon couldn’t help the sharp jolt of pain that stabbed through his heart. “I’ll always be concerned when it comes to you, Killua. You’re my best friend, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

His best friend’s cheeks darkened with a blush. It brought some of the color back into his ashen skin and some of the tension eased out of Gon’s shoulders. 

He carefully gripped Killua’s chin with his free hand to make sure Killua wouldn’t move his head. He felt Killua tense slightly at his touch, but Gon ignored it, putting all his attention into the task at hand.

Using the tissue, Gon gently wiped the blood smudged across the edges Killua’s mouth. It took a few tries to clean all of the bright red away, and it was only after the first and second wipe that Gon suddenly realized that he was touching Killua’s lips.

He froze, heat rushing to his cheeks so fast his head swam. 

“Gon?” Killua said quietly. Gon’s fingers moved with Killua’s jaw, slightly shifting against Killua’s incredibly soft skin, and Gon snatched his hand back as if he’d been burned.

“S-Sorry!” Gon squeaked. A hot wave of embarrassment washed over him at the sound of his voice cracking. “I, um! It’s all g-gone now!”

Killua’s hand reached up to touch the once scarlet-stained corner of his mouth- the same spot Gon had been touching less than five seconds ago—and deflated in relief when it came away clean.

Killua looked up at Gon. The soft expression in his eyes made Gon’s stomach flip, and something light fluttered in his chest.

“Thank you, Gon,” Killua said, voice heavy with affection.

Gon’s pulse was flying under his skin. He took a deep breath to calm himself, face uncomfortably hot. 

What was going on with him?

“Anytime, Killua,” he said sincerely and Killua smiled slightly. “Let’s go home.”

Chapter Text

“How’s that list going?”

Chapter Text

Gon couldn’t breathe.

His mouth tasted like iron and his muscles burned. An overwhelming sense of dread crawled up his throat and it was sheer desperation that gave him the energy to push harder and faster with each step. He was gasping for air but he didn’t feel any relief. His lungs were on fire as he pelted down the high school hallway.

“KILLUA!” he burst into the nurse’s office, sneakers squeaking loudly against tiled floors.

A woman with short black hair blinked at him, eyebrows shooting upwards in surprise. But he didn’t care about her. She didn’t matter. He had sprinted here from the opposite end of the school because he had heard-

“Did you see what happened to the Zoldyck kid during free period? He just started choking out of nowhere, seriously, everyone thought he was gonna suffocate or something-”

And all the air had vanished from Gon’s lungs.

“Where’s Killua?!” he snapped at the nurse.

Her dark eyes darted to his left and Gon whirled around.

And there, laying on his back on one of the nurses’ beds, was Gon’s best friend. Killua was paler than Gon could ever remember seeing him, skin almost ashen in color. But his chest rose up and down in a steady, even pattern.

Gon swallowed around the lump in his throat, barely holding back a sob. He collapsed onto the plastic chair next to Killua’s bed and reached out to gently take one of Killua’s limp hands in his. Killua’s hands were cold, like always, but he was breathing and he was alive. And that was all that mattered.

“What happened?” Gon asked quietly, not looking away from Killua’s peaceful face.

“…you a friend of his?” the nurses’ voice echoed off the harsh white walls.

Gon’s grip tightened around Killua’s piano fingers. “Yes.”

“Then you probably already know what happened.”

Gon stiffened. His head snapped around to glare venomously at the short woman. Her stoic expression didn’t change and a rush of pointless fury welled up inside him. It wasn’t this woman’s fault that Killua was here, but he wasn’t in a good enough mood to be polite with her, either.

“Well, I want to know anyway,” he growled.

The woman let out a long sigh. She picked something up off the counter as she explained, “Your friend had a coughing fit during one of his classes, apparently. One of your fellow students preformed the heimlich maneuver on him once it became obvious that something was wrong. After he coughed up these-”

The woman tossed Gon a plastic bag and he caught it one handedly.

“- he was able to breathe normally again,” she finished, folding her arms over her chest. “But he passed out. So, he was brought here. Do you recognize what those are?”

Gon’s brow puckered as he studied the plastic bag. And then his heart plummeted to the ground.

Through the clear plastic, Gon could see sun-gold and flame-orange petals, smeared with drops of wet scarlet blood. Killua’s blood, Killua’s flower, Killua’s death staring him in the face-

“Yes,” Gon said thickly as he gripped the bag in his fist. “I do.”

“Then you understand what’s going on here.”

Gon lifted his gaze back to the nurse. His whole body was numb, hallow. He understood, but he didn’t. He knew so little about this Disease. And he was almost scared to do research because that made it seem more real, somehow. And Gon didn’t want any of this to be real.

He wanted to wake up in the mornings and text Killua his daily reminder to drag himself out of bed for school. He wanted to hear Killua whine throughout the day about how exhausted he was getting up this early, how boring classes were. He wanted to walk back to his house with Killua at his side, arms brushing and shoulders bumping while they laughed at something one of their teachers had said. He wanted to see Killua’s mischievous smirks and feel his bright blue eyes digging into Gon’s back as Gon pulled out afternoon snacks for them to share.

Gon just wanted everything to go back to normal. He didn’t want to face the reality that one day he would wake up, and have no one to text or walk home from school with. He didn’t want to wake up knowing that Killua was gone forever.

“How-” his voice cracked and he had to clear his throat before starting again. “How much longer does he have, do you think?”

The nurse pressed her lips into a thin line. After a pause, she said slowly, “I am not an expert on the Hanahaki Disease. It would be better to go to a professional for this kind of a thing. But, guessing on those petals, I would say the flower has already bloomed. That means it’s only a matter of time until the flower starts to grow up into your friend’s throat. I assume you know what happens after that.”

Gon’s blood ran cold. He did know. It meant Gon would be standing over a pile of freshly dug up dirt, reading a stone slab with his best friend’s name across the top.

“So…not much longer, then,” he said and he couldn’t hide the way his voice trembled.

“No,” the nurse said. Her tone was a bit gentler as she continued, “His best chance is probably getting him to a surgeon. But, again, I’m not an expert.”

She paused. Gon didn’t bother to ask anything else. There wasn’t a point. Everything she had told him was a direct stab to his heart and there wasn’t a single thing he could do about it.

Because Killua wouldn’t let him.

“I’ll give you two some time,” the nurse said but Gon barely heard her, mind focused entirely on the bloody flower petals in his hands. “I’ll be back shortly, so don’t try anything. Let your friend recover.”

She shut the door behind her with a low click. The room was filled with the sound of a clock ticking away on the wall by the nurse’s desk and Gon’s own heavy breathing.

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, drinking in the sight of his best friend. He was still holding Killua’s hand and he rubbed his thumb gently against Killua’s, as if Killua could somehow feel the comforting gesture through his slumber.

Killua looked so small and washed out laying there on white sheets in a white room with white walls and white floors. The image didn’t fit him; Killua was always larger than life in Gon’s mind, bursting in shades of every color.

“You don’t belong here, Killua,” Gon said quietly and his voice echoed off the bank walls.

His best friend didn’t react at all to what Gon had said. He stayed completely still. There was a deep pang in Gon’s chest- was this what Killua would look like after the Disease go the best of him?

Gon didn’t want to know.

“Why are you doing this?” he whispered. He knew if he spoke any louder, his voice would crack. “You- you see these petals coming out of your mouth, you feel the flower growing in your chest- doesn’t it hurt you, Killua? I- I, I don’t.”

He took a shuddering breath, trying to calm himself enough to speak clearly.

“I don’t understand why you would put yourself through this,” Gon admitted. “I don’t understand what would be worth giving up your whole life.  You have so much…brightness, Killua. So much to offer the world. You’re really smart, you know? You could do anything, I think! Like, you could be a lawyer, if you wanted. Or maybe an astronomer since you like stars so much! And you c-can’t do that if you let this Disease get the better of you.”

He gazed at the pale teen unblinkingly. Killua’s face was totally relaxed, the way Gon had only ever seen it during sleepovers. Gon would wake up in the morning, roll over to find Killua still fast asleep next to him. Sometimes Gon got up and helped Aunt Mito make breakfast. Most of the time, though, he just stayed put and stared at Killua’s peaceful expression.

He had always thought there was something beautiful and rare about Killua’s face whenever he was like this- Killua was always, always worried about something. His family, Alluka, his future. It was only around Gon that Killua really let his guard down and let himself breathe. To Gon, it was almost a kind of personal victory, that he was the one who could bring some sort of peace to Killua. And it was, wasn’t it?

Being able to make someone else, someone he deeply cared about, happy and calm. Gon never wanted anything else for Killua.

Gon dropped the bag of petals onto the floor before reaching out with his free hand, carefully brushing starlight bangs off his friend’s forehead. Killua’s hair was soft and silky, just like it had always been.

Gon kept arranging silver locks to frame Killua’s face, saying, “You shine sometimes when I look at you, y’know? Like when you laugh and the sun lights up your hair from behind like a halo. Or when you have that first bite of chocolate, the total bliss in your face?”

Gon’s chest was tight. It made it hard to get the words out. He didn’t even know why he was still talking anymore. It wasn’t like Killua could hear him. But he always felt better after he talked to Killua, and he didn’t know what else to do.

“I still don’t get how there’s someone out there who doesn’t love you,” Gon confessed lowly, squeezing Killua’s fingers. “They’d have to be blind to not see how amazing you are. I mean, I already said you’re smart, but you’re really loyal, too. I’ve never seen anyone call and text his sister as much as you do. And you’re always there to help me with everything, even calculus.”

Gon laughed at himself for that. He didn’t get math at all. But it made more sense when Killua explained it, somehow. Actually, everything made more sense with Killua around. It was when Killua was gone that Gon struggled.

It wasn’t that Gon couldn’t do stuff on his own. He could, it he tried hard enough. But Killua made it easier, more fun. More worth-while, somehow.

Gon repeated haltingly, “You’re smart and you’re loyal. You’re really funny, too. You always make me l-laugh a lot. Um.”

Ah, his eyes were prickling now. That wasn’t good. He sniffed and scrunched his nose. He didn’t want to cry when Killua was the one in pain.

“You-you’re pretty, too,” Gon said between gulps of air. He had to keep talking or else he would break down completely. He didn’t even know what he was saying now, he just kept blurting out the first thing that came to his mind.

“Y-Your hair has this really beautiful shine to it and you have freckles across your nose. But no one would notice that unless they get really close to your face. Your skin is always so soft and your hands are long and graceful. I don’t get why you like to hide them in your pockets when they’re so beautiful like that. And- and you always move so gracefully. I can’t even explain it.”

Water welled up in his eyes despite Gon’s attempts to push them off. He blinked rapidly to push the tears back as he continued brokenly:

“Your laughter is the best sound I’ve ever heard; it makes my chest feel fuzzy and warm. And the way your eyes light up when you get really excited about something takes my breath away. Sometimes, when you smile at me, my heart starts to pound really fast and I lose my train of thought. And the more and more I look at you and I just keep thinking about how much I don’t want to l-lose you, Killua.”

He took a deep breath to slow his racing heart.

“I. Killua, I want to stay with you, so I can keep seeing you shine and grow and live. I want to be the one to make you laugh, to light up your eyes, to make you to smile like that. Because you deserve to be happy, Killua. You’re so important to me, and I care about you so, so, so much. More than you can ever imagine! My heart feels like it’s going to explode sometimes because of how much I love-”

Gon stopped short, eyes bulging.

Love? Did he just say- love?!

Gon’s heartbeat hammered in his chest as heat rushed to his cheeks. He felt suddenly winded, like someone had punched him in the stomach with a bag of bricks, and his mouth was dry as sandpaper.

He didn’t understand what was happening to him. Did he love Killua? Of course. That wasn’t a surprise; Killua was his best friend since they were twelve. He did everything with Killua, shared everything with Killua. And what he had said earlier was true- he wanted Killua to smile and he wanted to be with Killua as they grew old together.

But…he could tell that there was something else. Something more than that innocent desire for his friend to be happy.

Gon remembered how it felt when Killua had told him about his Hanahaki Disease, like the sun had burned out and the world had stopped spinning. That horror of realizing Killua wouldn’t be there to walk side-by-side with him anymore.

He remembered Killua’s body pressed up against his that time Killua had yelled at him in his bedroom. His skin had tingled where they touched and his face stayed flushed for the rest of the night.

He remembered Razor bluntly telling him that Killua’s Hanahaki meant that Killua loved someone more than Gon, because he was willing to give up his life for that person. He had been so confused and angry; Killua was more important to him than anyone else and it upset him to think Killua didn’t feel the same, that he would choose someone above Gon.

He remembered how…how good Killua had looked the other day when they went hiking. How Killua’s skin glittered in the sunlight on top of the cliff right before they jumped off.

He remembered gazing down at Killua’s surprised face after they pulled themselves out of the water. He remembered an overwhelming desire to know if Killua’s lips were as soft as they looked. He remembered leaning down, angling his head before he even knew what was happening.

He remembered laying wide awake in bed that night, replaying that moment over and over and over again with his pulse lightning-quick in his veins.

So…what did all of that mean?

“There are different kinds of love, Gon,” Killua’s voice echoed in his head. “Being in love is different than just loving someone.”

Gon squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in deep until his chest swelled and his lungs were filled with air. He hadn’t understood what Killua was saying then, but he did now.

Because Gon was in love with his best friend. ‘In love’, as in romantically interested in Killua Zoldyck, the boy he knew more about than anyone else in the entire world. He’d been in love with the starlight teen for a while now, he thought with a jolt, but this was the first moment he was actually aware of what the fluttering inside his heart meant.

Gon slowly opened his eyes again. He was still holding Killua’s hand and his heart began to race even faster at the realization.

He swept his gaze over Killua’s elegant features- drinking in his silver hair, alabaster skin, and thick white eyelashes. Killua really was beautiful, he thought, and his cheeks grew warm instantly.

Gon bit the inside of his cheek even as a small smile tugged at his lips. Wow. Now that he was paying attention, it was really obvious how much he liked Killua! Everything about the other teen made Gon’s chest fill with a strange, giddy feeling. How could he have been so blind to his feelings before now?!

But- but what about Killua’s feelings?

Gon’s smile dropped off his lips. An icy dread took hold of his limbs and for a moment, his mind was blank.

He hadn’t thought at all about Killua, too wrapped up in his own realization. It was undeniable that Killua was in love with someone already. But who, exactly?

Gon’s mind flashed back to the list. He remembered writing down Zushi, Ikalgo, and…who else? Gon had left that third space blank for some reason. He had thought at the time that there should be a third person, but he just couldn’t figure out who.

But now he supplied the third name easily: Gon Freecss.

It could happen, right? Killua could love him. Maybe. But wouldn’t Killua have told him something like that if it was true?

No, Gon thought as his breath caught in his throat. No. Killua wouldn’t have told him that because Killua was shy when it came to feelings and emotions. Killua always thought less of himself, a trait imposed on him by his family, and believed he wasn’t worthy of all the good things life handed to him, even though he was. Killua was worth everything and more.

So…maybe it could be that Killua was in love with him, but he thought Gon didn’t feel the same, and that’s how he got Hanahaki.

Or maybe Gon was just trying to convince himself that because he selfishly wanted Killua to love him the same way he loved Killua.

Gon groaned quietly. Great. That didn’t help him at all! If he confessed to Killua and it turned out that he wasn’t Killua’s unrequited lover, he would make Killua guilty. And that was the last thing in the world he wanted.

On the other hand, if Gon was the one Killua loved, Killua’s Hanahaki would go away, right? He would be healed.

Chest aching, he looked back at Killua’s still figure. His best friend slept on peacefully, totally unaware of Gon’s turmoil.

“I wish you were awake,” he said and leaned over Killua’s bed to caress alabaster cheeks. Killua’s skin was soft under his fingers.

Gon continued quietly, “You would know what to do, Killua. You always do somehow. But I guess this is something I have to figure out on my own, huh?”

He would have to figure it out fast, though. Based on what that nurse said, Killua didn’t have much time left. Killua’s flower would keep growing while Gon argued with himself. If he waited too long, Killua would die.

Gon sucked in a sharp breath. Killua would die soon. And Gon would be left alone, in love with a ghost.

Gon clenched his jaw hard enough for it to hurt. He didn’t want to imagine what it would be like without Killua. And if he never told Killua how he felt, he would always wonder if his confession could have been the one to save his best friend. He would regret holding back the truth for the rest of his life. That meant Gon should be honest with Killua.

But- but If Killua didn’t reciprocate Gon’s feelings, Killua would hate himself for the rest of his short life knowing that Gon loved him and would have to watch him slowly die. And Gon didn’t want to add onto Killua’s suffering when he was already in so much pain.

And wasn’t that the most important thing? If Gon could save Killua from extra hurt, wasn’t that what he should do?

Gon’s head spun in dizzying circles. He didn’t know. And there wasn’t enough time to-

Soft skin moved under his fingers and suddenly Gon found himself staring down into startling blue eyes.

He snatched his hand away from Killua’s cheek before his friend had the chance to realize what he had been doing. Killua blinked owlishly at him and his voice was barely above a whisper when he said, “Gon…?”

The edges of Gon’s mouth quirked upwards. His heart skipped a beat at the still dazed expression on that beautiful face. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been for not realizing his feelings sooner. He said quietly, “Hey, Killua. How are you feeling?”

Killua’s features twisted into a grimace. His voice was hoarse as he croaked out, “Like crap. Ugh.” He tried clearing his throat but stopped almost immediately, letting out a low a groan of pain instead. His throat was probably raw from coughing up the petals earlier.

“Don’t push yourself.” Gon squeezed Killua’s fingers reassuringly. “You’re okay now, you’re in the nurse’s office.”

Killua’s gaze flashed down to land on their intertwined hands. Red blossomed across Killua’s normally cheeks and Gon’s heart soared with hope.

Killua swallowed thickly. “G-Gon. Um.”

“Yeah?” Gon squeezed their hands again, smile growing at the flustered look on Killua’s face.

Killua chewed on his bottom lip as Gon waited patiently. Then Killua looked at him straight on. Gon felt a sharp thrill in his stomach at being the center of those piercing eyes.

Killua opened his mouth-

BANG!

They both jumped at the loud noise. Gon let go of Killua in his shock and instantly regretted it- his hand felt strangely empty, now.

But then he saw who was standing at the doorway, and all thought disappeared from his mind entirely.

“Mr. Zoldyck,” said the sour-faced nurse from earlier. “You’re free to go home, now. Your family member has signed all the required documents clearing you from class for the rest of the day.”

Gon’s head snapped back around to stare wide-eyed at Killua, who in turn was gaping at the short, wrinkled man in the doorframe.

“Gramps?” Killua whispered.

The old man bobbed his head. “Hello, Killua. I think it’s time we had a chat. Go get your things and we’ll be on our way.”

Chapter Text

The car was silent.

Gramps was focusing entirely on the road, head straight and gaze clear despite the heavy rain falling from the sky. Killua sat tight-lipped in the seat next to him. They had been driving for nearly ten minutes now without saying anything, but he would sooner throw himself out the car door than talk first.

It was better if they didn’t talk at all, actually. He didn’t want to explain why he had suddenly choked in the middle of class even though all he’d been doing was thinking about that afternoon on the beach with Go-

“Killua,” Gramps said suddenly and Killua jerked.

“Y-Yeah?” he stammered and inwardly cursed himself. Great. He was stuttering already. This conversation was off to a fantastic start.

Gramps didn’t mention Killua’s mistake, though. He simply said in that low, rumbling voice of his, “The nurse told me what you coughed up in school today.”

The air vanished from Killua’s lungs, like someone had hit him in the stomach with a bag of bricks. There was no way Gramps knew the truth. Not now. Not after Killua spent so long fighting coughing fits and swallowing down petals just to keep his family unaware.

“Whatever she said wasn’t true, Gramps,” Killua said, but he sounded desperate even to his own ears. “She’s just a high school nurse. You know what they’re like; a bunch of grouchy old ladies stuck dealing with whiny students all day long, they’re bound to-”

“Killua.”

A tremor shot down his spine and Killua shut his mouth.

Gramps still wasn’t looking at him.

“How long have you had the Disease?” the elderly man simply asked.

Killua swallowed thickly. Shit. He couldn’t argue out of this one, it seemed. Gramps didn’t beat around the bush or use word games like Mother or Illumi. He was more like Killua’s father that way.

Gramps was still waiting patiently.

“…for a while,” Killua admitted finally. He was glad that his voice didn’t shake and betray the rolling emotions warring inside of him.

“And you’ve kept the truth from us this entire time?”

Killua didn’t have an explanation for that one. So he just nodded, careful to keep his face perfectly blank.

“Why?”

“Why?” Killua repeated incredulously. Was he seriously asking Killua this, like he didn’t already know?! “Because I know what you would do to me if I ever told you! I wasn’t about to roll over and let you wipe all of my emotions away until I’m nothing but some meek robot for you all to toy with!”

The car slowed as they approached a red light. Gramps looked over at him, eyes steely grey.

“You are dying, Killua,” he stated and Killua’s blood ran cold. “Do you really think now is the time to hold old grudges?”

Killua clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring.

“This isn’t about the past,” he grounded out. “This is about me not wanting you to control every second of my life!”

“And you believe letting a flower suffocate you is the way to get your freedom?”

Killua’s hands curled into claws in his lap. “You wouldn’t understand. None of you ever did.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Killua hated the unwavering cadence of his grandfather’s voice. He hated the way that iron gaze added ten pounds to Killua’s shoulders. He hated the straightforward questions, how he couldn’t dodge without them without being obvious.

Gramps didn’t have Mother’s whine, or Illumi’s emotionless drawl. He didn’t deliver Father’s heavy expectations or Milluki’s jaunts. Gramps was direct; he was a straight arrow, pinning Killua where he sat and holding a bright light to his face so he couldn’t look away.

And Killua hated it. Just like he hated the rest of his family.

Killua turned his head to look out the car window. Thin currents of water trickled down the clear glass as he said, “Why should I bother explaining my reasoning to you? It won’t change anything. It’s already too far along; the nurse told you how developed my Disease is, right?”

This time, Gramps was the one who was quiet. Killua saw the light turn green out of the corner of his eye and Gramps pressed down on the gas pedal to move the car forward again.

The heavy tension hanging in the air between them was almost more welcoming than the conversation. Conversations with any one of his family members always turned into arguments one way or another. It was part of the reason Killua avoided coming home in the first place. Alluka was different, though. And the stifling conversations with his relatives didn’t seem so bad after he met Gon, anyway.

Gon.

Killua’s nails dug into the center of his palms. He wished he was with Gon now instead of here, in this ridiculously expensive car with its black leather and shiny new technology.

Gon’s face appeared in Killua’s mind. Gon had been there when Killua opened his eyes in the nurse’s office, but he’d been acting strange and Killua didn’t understand why- Gon’s grip on Killua’s hand had been tight enough to leave impressions. Just the fact that he had been holding Killua’s hand at all had nearly given Killua a heart attack when he initially woke up. Even now, in the car twenty minutes later, Killua’s pulse began to race just thinking about it.

Gon’s hand had been warm around his. Killua could still feel the ghost of Gon’s fingers pressing into his skin, holding on like he didn’t want to let go…

And there was other stuff, too. Gon’s cheeks had been oddly flushed and his eyes were blotchy like he’d been crying. He kept staring at Killua, too. The intensity of his gaze made Killua strangely self-conscious as he left the nurse’s office with his grandfather.

Killua scowled at the dull pain starting to build up in his forehead. He did not need a headache right now, damnit. He had enough shit to deal with at the moment.

“Does your friend know?”

The question cut cleanly through Killua’s thoughts and for a second, his mind went blank.

“Does it matter?” he asked cautiously.

But Gramps wasn’t fooled. “What does he think about your Disease?”

Killua remembered how Gon’s face had turned white with shock when Killua had first coughed up petals onto their cafeteria table those weeks ago. He remembered the gut-wrenching pain in Gon’s voice and the hardness in his gold-brown eyes.

“Not much,” Killua said and his grandfather let out a quiet huff.

“But, again, it doesn’t matter!” Killua snapped before he could hold himself back. “No one’s opinion matters except mine; it’s my body, it’s my choice. End of story.”

“I am afraid to say that you are wrong, Killua.”

Killua stiffened. What the hell did that mean?

“What are you talking about?”

Gramps glanced at him, expression unreadable as always, before turning back to the road. The leftover tension made the car feel stuffy and unbearably small. Killua felt like a bird in a cage, trapped with nowhere to go.

Killua bit down on the inside of his cheek until the sharp taste of iron filled his mouth. He wanted to scream just to drown out the silence ringing in his ears.

What he would give to be back at school right now. There was never any strain or pressure like this when he was with Gon. Everything was easy and comfortable. Gon was more welcoming to Killua than his family’s dark mansion had ever been or ever would be.

After several minutes had passed, Killua said through gritted teeth, “The silent treatment is getting kind of old, Gramps. Are you going to tell me what you mean or do I have to guess?”

Gramps sighed heavily.

“What?!” Killua snapped. “What is it, why do you keep-”

“You are the heir, Killua,” Gramps said and Killua groaned, letting his head slam back against his seat.

“C’mon, not this again.” He dragged his hands down the sides his face. The stinging pain on his skin wasn’t nearly enough to distract him from the hell that was this entire conversation. “We’ve talked about this before! I’m not going to be the heir to some bullshit job I have no interest in. I don’t care how much money it pays me. I won’t do it.”

“- and you are my grandson,” Gramps finished.

Killua blinked, arms dropping. That was a surprise. What was the old man trying to pull here?

He watched his grandfather warily as the elderly man turned their car onto a long, twisting road. It was lined by thick trees that seemed to go on for days.

Or, at least, that’s what it had felt like to Killua as a child. He knew the road leading to his family’s mansion better than to think that now of course. But it didn’t stop the same, nauseous dread from pooling into his stomach with each tree they passed.

It kind of sucked how terrible it felt coming back here every day. His one consolation was knowing that he would be leaving again in the morning to go to school. To go back to Gon.

The solid metal gate blocking their path opened the moment it came into view. A minute later, Gramps was pulling around the circular driveway in front of their wide porch. The car slowed to a stop.

Killua waited while Gramps turned off the engine and unbuckled his seatbelt. He didn’t know where Gramps was trying to take this conversation so he didn’t say anything.

For a few heartbeats, all he could hear was the rain pounding on the roof of their car.

Then Gramps said, “As the future leader of this family and my grandson, Killua, it is impossible to turn a blind eye to your current condition. You will one day step forward and take your father’s place. You cannot do that if you are dead.”

The dread from earlier was getting worse now. It crawled up Killua’s throat and made it hard to breathe.

Strange, how that could happen and it not be from the marigolds growing in his chest.

“What are you trying to say?” Killua asked. “You can’t mean…”

Gramps looked at him and the words died in Killua’s mouth.

 “I’ve scheduled an appointment for you with Illumi,” Gramps said quietly.

Ice shot down Killua’s spine.

“You didn’t.”

“I did,” Gramps said solemnly. “There was no other choice; you must trust your doctor when it comes to this kind of-”

“There’s always a choice!” Killua spat out venomously. Rage washed over him, swallowing him whole. “You know what Illumi’s like! He- he’s going to kill me-”

Gramps sighed again. “Don’t be so dramatic. Your brother would never kill you.”

“He might as well kill me!!! Gramps, Illumi will remove all my emotions if he’s the one to do my surgery, you know that!”

Killua’s ear-blasting shout echoed in the small car. His chest heaved like he’d been running for miles and a kind of wild panic was starting to seep into his mind.

Out of everyone in his messed-up family, it was Illumi who Killua hated- and outright feared- the most. Just seeing those flat eyes and inky hair alone was enough to make Killua’s heart pound with terror. Illumi had tried controlling every aspect of his life since the moment Killua was born. He didn’t care about Killua’s own wants or goals; to Illumi, the only thing that mattered was how he could use Killua to further his own ambitions.

So knowing that Illumi would be the doctor to examine and remove Killua’s Disease was anything but reassuring.

Killua interlocked his hands to keep them from shaking. He had to keep calm. He wouldn’t get anywhere if he lost control.

Distantly, Killua heard Gramps say, “I know how you feel about your brother, so I made the appointment under an anonymous name.”

Killua’s head whipped around. His grandfather’s eyes held the faintest trace of sympathy as he said, “If you still have the Disease by the time of your appointment, your brother will find it. He will take immediate action to remove it as both your doctor and relative. Your parents will approve of whatever method he takes to keep you alive. You will not get a choice in the matter.”

He paused as Killua simply stared at him, unblinking.

Gramps said, “I can understand why you withheld the truth from us. But I will not stand aside and let you die. This was a decision I made to save your life. I will not apologize despite how you may despise me for it.”

He turned to look at Killua directly and Killua’s heart flipped nervously.

“The appointment is in a week’s time. Do you understand what that means?”

Killua’s eyes widened.

A week. Gramps was giving him a week to- to do what? Save himself, maybe, before Illumi did it for him? Or to cherish the remaining time he had to experience life as he knew it?

Gramps bobbed his head. “Good. Then, let’s get out of this car. Sitting this long hurts the joints when you are as old as I am…”

Gotoh was the one who opened the front door as the Zoldycks got out of the car. He bowed slightly while they made their way up the porch steps, saying, “Master Zeno, Master Killua. Do you require anything upon your return home?”

Killua wrinkled his nose at the title but Gramps paid no mind. He simply asked Gotoh to make him a cup of warm soup. Gotoh glanced at Killua, but the teen shook his head. He didn’t need anything right now except peace and quiet.

The second Gramps’ back was turned, Killua bolted. He flew up the stairs as fast as he could and reached his bedroom in record time. He was just turning the doorknob when his pocket vibrated loudly.

Bzzzzt!

Killua jumped and cursed under his breath. That was probably Gon texting him. He reached down-

“Killua?”

Killua blinked to find Canary standing a few feet away. Her small smile faltered when she saw his face.

“Killua, what’s wrong?" she asked lowly. "Are you okay?”

Ah. Killua forgot sometimes how perceptive Canary was sometimes. No matter the reason, she could always tell when he was off.

He looked away, cheeks growing warm. He was touched by her concern, but…

“No,” he admitted quietly and his grip on the doorknob tightened until his knuckles turned white. “I’m feeling kind of, um, sick, actually.”

“Oh.” Understanding filtered into her voice. “I see. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Killua shook his head. He just needed to be alone. He doubted that would help much but at least he could break apart without anyone watching.

“All right.”

He didn’t react at all to the sound of her approaching footsteps, or the comforting touch of her fingers as she brushed her hand against his.

“If you need anything,” she said. “I’m here. Just call for me.”

Killua took in a shuddering breath. “I will. Thanks.”

Then he pushed his door inwards and escaped into the darkness of his bedroom.

He didn’t bother turning on the lights. He found his way to his bed from memory alone and crawled on top of his sheets. One of the servants had made his bed after he'd left for school that morning, but they’d been smart enough to keep the blinds to his windows tightly shut, thank god. Killua didn’t need to see how the gloomy rain outside reflected his mood.

Leaning back against his bed’s headboard, Killua pulled out his phone. He winced at the sudden brightness as Gon’s name flashed across the screen. He squinted at the tiny letters-

How are you feeling? Gon’s message read. Any better?

Killua snorted quietly. Gon’s optimism was astounding. Killua never felt better after interacting with his family, only worse.

What do you think? he responded.

It only took thirty seconds before his phone was buzzing again.

I’m sorry…at least you go to go home early, though! What did your grandpa say?

Killua stared at the short sentence. The prickling fear from before trickled back into his mind as he remembered his conversation with Gramps and what was soon going to happen to him.

What should he tell Gon, though? That Gramps knew the truth, that Killua’s manipulative ass of an older brother would be checking him for Hanahaki in a week’s time, that soon all his emotions would be wiped away for good?

Killua’s breath caught in his throat. No more emotions. He would no longer feel that rush of warmth whenever Alluka sent him a picture. He wouldn’t get the urge to laugh at a joke from Ikalgo or share a smile with Canary when they crossed paths. His heart wouldn’t flutter at the sight of sunlight reflecting in Gon’s eyes or how it skipped a beat whenever Gon wrapped his arms around Killua, hugging him tightly without holding anything back.

All of that would be gone. Forever.

Killua clenched his jaw. The surgeon chose the consequences of Hanahaki surgery- that was something Killua had read when he first researched his Disease. While the surgeon worked on the victim’s brain to remove the unrequited love, he or she could get rid of a whole slew of other emotions and feelings without the patient knowing what was happening until it was too late.

As long as the unrequited love was removed- the thing causing the flower in the victim’s chest to grow- the surgery would be considered a success. Emotions and feelings took second place to saving one’s life.

And Killua knew Illumi would take that opportunity to remove every part of Killua tying him to everyone he had ever cared about. 

Gon’s message blurred and Killua squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling. He tried to breathe normally despite the burning of his throat and the throbbing ache in his chest.

Why had his life turned out to be so painful? Seriously, it wasn’t fair. Accepting the fact that he was going to die had been hard enough, but knowing he would never love again was even worse.

His fingers shook as he typed out: I’ll tell you about it later. Gonna try to sleep now.

He turned his phone off and tossed it somewhere onto the floor before he could receive another one of Gon’s messages. He had a feeling if he thought about Gon any longer, he’d be coughing up more petals into his toilet. And he had enough marigolds for one day.

Curling onto his side and pulling the covers up to his chin, Killua listened to the light platter of rain hitting his bedroom windows. Slowly but surely, sleep started to overcome him.

Just as he was about to drift off, he remembered something with a jolt: there had stem leaves mixed in with those petals he had coughed up during school. No one else had noticed, but Killua did.

There was a deep pang in his chest and Killua buried his face into his pillow, trying to ignore the hot wetness trailing down his cheeks.

Maybe, if he was lucky, the damn flower would suffocate him in his sleep. Then Illumi would never get the chance to take Killua’s emotions away and Killua would finally be free to love the way he wanted.

Chapter Text

“- it’s just dumb, y’know?” Killua’s annoyed huff made static crackle out of the speaker on Gon’s cell phone. “I don’t get it. Why would you even bother trying to leave Zevil Island? I mean, he knows he needs six points to pass onto the next phase of the Exam.”

Gon hummed thoughtfully, watching golden sunbeams filter through the stained-glass window above the kitchen sink. The refined sunlight hit the granite counter in swirling shades of emerald green and sapphire blue.

“Maybe he’s looking for shortcuts?” he suggested.

“Ha, probably. I don’t think Milluki’s ever finished a game without finding some crazy trick to cheat his way through to the end. What a lazy bastard, huh? Can’t even win fairly at the one thing he’s actually good at.”

Gon’s lips tugged upwards into a crooked grin. It didn’t matter that Killua couldn’t see it- Killua always made him smile. It was a reflexive action, like breathing.

Switching the phone to his opposite hand, Gon said, “Not everyone is as good with video games as you are, Killua.” He carefully gripped the glass cup in his hand as he lifted it out of the dishwasher and placed it on the proper shelf. He had promised to finish his chores before Aunt Mito got back from shopping, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t talk to Killua at the same time.

“That is not my problem. Milluki’s the one who- SHIT!”

Gon’s stomach lurched. “What?! Killua, are you okay?!”

“Fucking- what? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Some computer-generated moron just tried to shoot me in the back with an arrow. Who the hell does he think he is?!”

Pulse slowing, Gon slowly breathed out. He’d been scared for a second that Killua’s Hanahaki had acted up again. It was weirdly relieving to hear that it was Killua’s in-game character that had gotten hurt instead of Killua himself.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to beat Milluki in time?” he asked, checking the clock on the wall. It was a quarter after four right now. Aunt Mito would need to start cooking soon.

“Doubting my gaming ability, Gon?” Killua grunted and Gon heard the faint sound of the Hunter Exam’s theme song in the background. “Do I need to remind you how many times I’ve kicked your digital ass? I’ll be on time for dinner, don’t worry. If you’re really so concerned, though, I’ll just ha-”

“Don’t hang up!” Gon blurted out and winced as heat rushed to his face. Whoops. He hadn’t meant to say that.

“…why not?”

Rubbing the back of his neck and trying to ignore the hot prickling of his cheeks, Gon said sincerely, “Because I like the sound of your voice!”

The immediate sputtering sound that came from his phone made Gon laugh so hard his sides ached.

Killua snapped shrilly, “Shut up, Gon! Augh, you made me miss my target! Damnit!”

“Sorry, sorry! I wasn’t trying to make you lose focus!”

“Why is it that I don’t believe you?! Seriously, you always say the most embarrassing things…”

Gon giggled, a happy warmth bubbling up inside his chest. He could see Killua in his mind- ivory pale cheeks dusted a light pink, soft lips pulled down in a scowl- and Gon’s heart stuttered.

Killua always looked so cute when he got embarrassed, especially if Gon was the one making him embarrassed. That was something Gon realized shortly after coming to terms that he was smitten with his best friend.

“I really do think I have to go, though,” Killua sighed.

“Wha- why?!”

“Because,” Killua said, tone amused. “The sooner I beat Milluki, the sooner I win the bet and the sooner I can head over to your house. I’m lucky that Mother and Father are out of town this weekend or else I could’ve never goaded Milluki into letting me leave the mansion at all.”

Gon chewed on his bottom lip. This was a silly question, but- “Does that really mean you have to hang up, though?”

“Uh, yeah? I have to pay attention and you’re distracting me.”

“Okay…but you’ll be over soon, right?”

“Yes, Gon.” Killua sounded like he was trying not to roll his eyes. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay? I’m hanging up now. Bye.”

“Bye,” Gon said and the line went dead. He pulled his phone away from his ear and stared at the blank screen, pouting. Gon probably could’ve convinced Killua to leave the phone on while he finished the game. But the last thing Gon wanted was to annoy Killua to the point where he wouldn’t want to come over anymore.

Now that he thought about it, this was probably the last sleepover he and Killua would have for a long time- possibly for the rest of their lives- because in a week, Killua wouldn’t care about Gon at all.

Gon’s body went cold. His throat constricted, and for a moment he couldn’t breathe.

What was it that Killua had told him earlier that week? It had been the day after Killua had nearly suffocated from the flower petals blocking his windpipe, the day after Gon looked at Killua in the nurse’s office and suddenly knew he was in love with the slowly-dying teen laid out in front of him-

“…Illumi doesn’t know,” Killua had said, looking away so Gon couldn’t see his expression. “No one knows- Gramps didn’t tell any of them. He gave me a week to do what I wanted. But it doesn’t really matter. They’ll find out the truth after Illumi’s examination on me next Wednesday anyway, and then…”

Gon swallowed thickly. His heart throbbed painfully like he’d just been stabbed.

“And then it’s all over,” he said quietly and Killua’s breath hitched.

“Yeah.” Gon watched as Killua’s trembling hands curled into fists. “Then it’s all over.”

Gon squeezed his eyes shut to block out the agonizing memory. He grasps the porcelain plate in his hands so hard his knuckles turn white.

After the surgery, Killua would never look at Gon ever again with that quiet fondness shinning out of his eyes. Killua would no longer grin at him, a challenge hidden in the curve of his lips, or throw his arm around Gon’s shoulders as they walked shoulder-to-shoulder down the sidewalk-

“Gon?”

The freckled teen jolted. He blinked and his gaze landed on Aunt Mito standing in the kitchen doorway. Her arms were loaded bags of groceries and the lines on her face were etched with worry.

“Ah, Aunt Mito! You’re back!” Gon laid the plate down on the counter and rushed to her side. “Here, let me help-”

“Thank you...” She surrendered the bags to him without complaint. He could tell she was concerned about him in the way her eyes lingered on his face, but he quickly turned away again before she could say anything.

She called after him, “I’m sorry they’re so heavy! I bought some extra things since you said Killua might be joining us for dinner.”

“He is,” Gon said firmly and lowered the bags onto the kitchen table. Killua said he was going to be here, so he would. Even if Gon had to walk to the Zoldyck mansion by foot and fight off the butlers one by one until Killua was free to leave, Killua would be here for dinner.

Gon refused to miss another second with his best friend.

“That’s good, I haven’t seen him around lately. Are you sure he’s doing all right?”

Gon froze; Aunt Mito didn’t know about Killua’s Disease. Killua had never brought it up to her and Gon didn’t feel right talking about it without Killua’s permission.

“He’s-” Gon struggled to find the right words, even as a crushing sadness welled up inside him, “- he’s, um, a little sick right now. But it’s not contagious or anything, so you don’t have to worry about him coming over.”

“Oh, really? That’s a shame. It’s very rare for Killua to fall ill from what I can remember. I’m sure he’ll recover soon, though.”

Gon’s eyes burned. “Yeah…it’ll be over soon.”

There was a comfortable lull in the conversation. Somewhere behind him, Gon could hear Aunt Mito putting away the remaining kitchenware he’d left in the dishwasher. Gon began to unpack the grocery bags, pulling out red apples, milk and Gon’s favorite brand of orange juice. Aunt Mito had even bought Killua’s favorite chocolate robots for them to share later-

“Is that why you’ve been behaving so strange, lately?”

Aunt Mito’s sudden question made Gon drop the chocolate.

“Wh-What?” he stuttered, twisted around to face the woman who had raised him. She was leaning against the counter with her arms hugging her sides. “What are you talking abou-”

“Gon,” Aunt Mito cut him off gently. She offered him a small, understanding smile that made something in Gon’s chest twist sharply.

She continued, “I’ve known you your whole life. I can tell when something is wrong and you’ve been off for a while now. Are you worried about Killua?”

A lump rose in Gon’s throat. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, afraid that his voice would crack if he even tried.

So, he just nodded numbly and tried his best not to let the water welling up in his eyes spill over and run down his cheeks.

“Oh, Gon, honey. Don’t cry, come here-” Aunt Mito stepped forward and she reached out to him. Gon surrendered willingly to her embrace, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face into her chest. The tight hug didn’t stop the unbearable ache in his heart. But the way her lips pressed to his forehead in a comforting kiss helped soothe the pain a bit.

“Shhh,” she murmured against his skin. “Everything will be fine, you’ll see. Are you sure there’s nothing else going on? Something more serious? I’ve never seen you this quiet before.”

“N-No,” he sniffed. He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t. No matter how badly he wanted to, he just- he couldn’t.

“Okay.” She squeezed him for a brief second before pulling away. She lifted his chin with one finger and he reluctantly met her honey-brown gaze. “If there’s anything wrong, you know you can always tell me, right?”

Gon did know. But knowing and telling were two different things, and it wasn’t up to Gon to tell this time.

“I know,” Gon said after a pause.

Aunt Mito’s frown told Gon that she didn’t believe him. He didn’t blame her; his voice sounded empty and hollow to his own ears. But she released her grip on his shoulders with a quiet sigh.

“As long as you know that, I’ll let you do what you want. But, Gon, Killua is a healthy boy- I know you love him, but Killua will survive whatever it is he’s going through. Especially if you’re there for him.”

She turned back towards the dishwasher but Gon’s feet remained pinned to the floor. Confusion washed over him, so strong that his mind went blank.

“You,” he stammered. “Aunt Mito, you…you know that I love Killua?”

Aunt Mito threw him a bemused look over her shoulder. “I’ve known for a while. The way you two act around each other gives it all away. You would move the earth itself if it meant seeing Killua, and Killua only ever talks about you.”

Gon’s heart leaped up into his throat and blood roared in his ears. “Does that- does that mean you think Killua loves me, too?”

Aunt Mito laughed lightly. “Yes, of course! Killua looks at you as if you hold the sun in your arms, Gon.”

Blinking rapidly, Gon dropped his eyes to his sneakers. His pulse raced lightning-quick in his veins and his brain kicked into overdrive.

If what Aunt Mito said was true- Gon could save Killua. Killua would live the life he was meant to live, with Gon by his side. They would be free to do whatever they wanted.

Gon could take Killua out to that fancy new restaurant downtown for their first date. He could buy him specialty chocolate on Valentine’s Day to show him how much Gon adored him. He could spend every moment finding new ways to make Killua laugh, watching those incredible blue eyes light up with joy. They could be together without the fear of an early death hanging off their shoulders.

Gon’s chest swelled. He sucked in a shuddering breath and just barely held back a sob.

He and Killua would be together forever. And that was all Gon ever wanted.

But a tiny voice inside him still whispered: But what if Aunt Mito was wrong? What if Gon hurt Killua, what if-

Grinding his teeth together until his jaw ached, Gon turned back to the groceries. He had to ignore that voice, that horrible soul-crushing doubt. He had to at least try because he wouldn’t get another chance. Killua would be lost to him by the end of the week.

A prudent odor suddenly spread through the air and Gon gagged.

“Augh!” He grimaced, covering one hand with his nose. “Aunt Mito, what-”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Gon!” The brown-haired woman was at his side a few seconds later. “I bought a few flower smell samples from the flower shop down the road to see which plants to add to the garden this year, and I completely forgot to take them out of the bags. Do you want me to finish unpacking? I know how sensitive your nose is.”

Voice muffled, Gon said, “It’s okay. I actually…” He paused, removing his hand and staring at the smell sample between his fingers with a frown. He lifted the rectangular paper to his face and inhaled deeply.

“I think I’ve smelled this one before,” he said after a beat. He’d smelled this particular scent recently, too. But where, and when?

“Well, that wouldn’t surprise me,” Aunt Mito said. She tugged the paper out of his grip and flipped it over so Gon could see the label on the front. “This sample is for marigolds. You and Killua used to love these flowers when you were younger, remember? You still have that picture on your nightstand of you two on your first day of school wearing those marigold flower crowns you made.”

Gon stopped breathing.

Killua. Marigolds. Petals of blinding yellows, brilliant reds, and orange flames. The strong smell radiating off Killua’s body that time he left Gon’s house a few weeks ago-

That’s what Gon had been smelling. Marigolds.

Gon couldn’t help it- he laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed until tears were streaming down his cheeks and his sides burned.

“Gon?!” Aunt Mito asked loudly, alarmed.

Gon barely heard her. Wheezing, he lowered himself into a kitchen chair. He covered his face with shaking hands and struggled to breathe normally.

The flowers in Killua’s chest were marigolds, the same flowers that Gon had given him on the first day they had met. And that could only mean one thing.

Killua was in love with him, just like Gon was in love with Killua. Gon was Killua’s unrequited lover and he’d been too blind to see it until now. Killua wasn’t interested in anyone else. He didn’t want anyone else. He loved Gon.

Gon’s heart soared. Killua loved him. Killua loved him.

Killua loved him.

“Gon, please, you’re scaring me.”

Gon dropped his hands and leaped out of the chair. He blurted out, “Aunt Mito, I’m going to go clean my room for Killua! I’ll be back down to help with dinner as soon as I’m done.”

Aunt Mito gawked at him. “I- okay, if you’re sure…”

“I am!” He kissed her cheek lightly before bolting out of the kitchen.

He needed to prepare for tonight. Something big was going to happen, and he needed to make sure he was ready.

Gon’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He yanked it out, reading the message so fast the words blurred-

Leaving with Gotoh now, Killua’s message read. Told you I would be there before dinner.

Gon grinned so widely his cheeks ached. His whole body tingled like he’d been struck by lighting and his chest was lighter than it had been in weeks. He shoved his phone away again and raced up the steps to the second floor. He didn’t have much time, but that was fine.

Killua would be here soon. And for the moment, that was the only thing in the world that mattered.

Chapter Text

Gon’s bedroom always gave Killua a sense of peace, somehow. It probably had something to do with the fact that Killua spent more time within these four walls in the past five years than he had in his own bedroom in his entire life. He knew at what hour the sun would peek through the whale-patterned curtains, how to open the closet door without it screeching like a terrorized cat, and which dresser hid the large-ish hole Gon had accidentally punched into the wall two years ago.

To Killua, Gon’s bedroom was home, was belonging. It gave him a sense of comfort he could never find anywhere else.

So. The question was, if Gon’s bedroom was so soothing to him, why the hell couldn’t he fall asleep?!

Killua glared up at the ceiling, brows furrowed into a scowl. Seriously, he’d been laying here for half an hour already and he wasn’t any closer to passing out than when he first shut his eyes. He couldn’t figure out what was his problem. He’d slept on this same air mattress for years- it was even in the same spot on the floor next to Gon’s bed and everything! So it couldn’t be that he wasn’t used to his current position…

Killua let his gaze wander over to the window. He and Gon had left the curtains open after mapping out the stars together a little over two hours ago. The moon glowed brightly in the indigo sky, cold light spilling through the glass and onto the carpet.

Could it be the moon that was keeping him up? Killua squinted suspiciously at the shining orb. He doubted it; he slept with the windows open all the time back at the mansion and that was fine. He couldn’t even count the number of times his mother had shrieked at him for it.

But he wasn’t in the mansion now. He was at his best friend’s house, in his best friend’s room, spending their last night together before Killua’s mind forgot why the words ‘best friend’ held so much weight in the first place.

Killua rolled over onto his side, grinding his teeth together until his jaw ached.

It had been a good night with Gon. It had been fun. He didn’t want to ruin it by throwing up marigolds all over Gon’s bathroom, waking Gon up and making him worry in the process.

…but Killua still wasn’t tired. Not even remotely.

Fuck.

Killua let out a long breath through his nose. Maybe he could count sheep. That was supposed to help, right? It sounded lame but he was willing to try anything at this poi-

“Killua?”

He stiffened at the all-too-familiar call.

“…yeah?” he said lowly.

“Are you still awake?”

Killua snorted. “What do you think?”

Killua’s heart leaped at Gon’s quiet huff of laughter. He loved that sound- along with the melodic lilt of Gon’s voice and the sprinkle of freckles across tanned cheeks and the calloused texture of those warm hands-

“You can’t sleep either, huh?”

“No,” Killua admitted, pointedly ignored the ugly flush rising to his cheeks. Thank god Gon couldn’t see his face from the bed.

There was a pause. Killua waited for Gon to say something as he stared at the winking stars. Gon would speak when he was ready and Killua didn’t feel like explaining himself. He would if Gon asked, of course, but not before.

Gon’s whispered question surprised him though:

“Would you like to come up here, then?”

Killua shot upwards. Gon was already propped up on his elbows, almost like he’d been waiting for Killua’s reaction. He gave the silver-haired teen a small smile while Killua openly gaped at him.

“Y-You,” Killua stuttered. His cheeks were really warm now. Damnit. “You mean, share a bed with you?”

Gon hummed. “It might help you fall asleep faster,” he suggested, cupping his chin in his right palm and staring at Killua with bright, hopeful eyes.

Killua’s stomach lurched. There was something hidden and shining in that bizarrely intense gaze…something he couldn’t name. He had seen it before on that day he and Gon had jumped off the cliff into icy waters- Gon had been looking at him strange then, too.

But Killua didn’t understand what that look meant.

“Killua?”

Gon was still staring at him.

Killua swallowed thickly. Well. It wasn’t like he could exactly say no, could he?

“Move over,” he ordered and Gon’s face lit up.

His best friend scrambled back as Killua placed a knee on the edge of the bed. He dropped his pillow onto the squishy mattress, silently praying that Gon couldn’t see how red his ears were, and slid under the covers before he got the chance to think about what he was actually doing.

Because this- sharing a bed with his best friend who also just happened to be the person he had a fatal crush on, mere inches separating their bodies and their breath mingling in the space between them- was enough to make Killua combust out of sheer mortification.

All Killua could hear was the rapid thudding of his heartbeat as he and Gon stared openly at each other. He let himself get lost in the soft, burning gold of Gon’s eyes, the gentle bend of his nose and the curve of his jaw…

Killua could stare at Gon forever, if he had the choice. Gon’s sun-kissed face was an endlessly fascinating kaleidoscope of emotions, always shifting, always changing; he never wore the same expression twice. It was something that Killua had been drawn to when he first met Gon, because he could never be bored while Gon was constantly bending and dancing besides him like an open flame. Over the years Killua found himself memorizing the subtle changes in Gon’s face, searching for the slight quirk of his lips and the flash of fire in his eyes.

Killua wanted to spend his entire life learning the silent language of Gon’s face. He wished he had the time to memorize every single one of Gon’s beautiful emotions.

But he didn’t have the time. All he had were his memories and the fluttering in his chest, the burning pressure behind his eyes. He didn’t even have the strength to tell Gon the most basic and obvious truth-

That Killua loved him. That Killua wouldn’t give up a single second of their time together. That he would have willingly let his quiet and infinite adoration for Gon kill him from the inside out as long as it meant they could be together till the end.

“Hey, Killua?” Gon asked, pulling the abnormally pale teen back to the present with a few choice words.

It was really amazing, the effect Gon had on him.

“Yeah?” Killua’s voice was rough. But it didn’t shake with the weight of his sorrow, and he considered that a kind of victory in and of itself.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Killua sucked in a breath as Gon’s fingers brushed against his. He didn’t speak as Gon slid their hands together, intertwining them like they were two pieces of one whole.

Blood roared in his ears. His mind was totally blank. The only thing he could focus on was the way his skin tingled where Gon’s thumb gently caressed his own.

“Killua?” Gon repeated. His eyes glowed in the dark like twin suns.

After a beat, after somehow regaining his ability to speak, Killua said, “You know you can ask me anything, Gon.”

Gon squeezed his hand and Killua’s heart flipped. “Just making sure. Then, Killua-”

“What does it feel like, when you’re in love with someone?”

Killua inhaled sharply, face abruptly hot and burning.

“W-What?!” he squeaked. “I don’t- why are you-” He tried to tug his hand away from Gon’s, but the other held on tight. “Gon, c’mon, don’t-”

“Because,” Gon said stubbornly. “I want to know. I’m curious, Killua.”

Anger rose up inside him like a wave. He snapped back, “What about what I want, did you ever think about that?! Do you really think I want to start coughing up flowers all over your bed? Because that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I answer your question. Is that what you’re after, huh?”

“Of course not! I just want to understand you better.”

Killua blinked, a spitting retort dying on his tongue. He felt something brush against his windpipe but he pushed the ghostly sensation out of his mind. He refused to acknowledge the thing that was blooming in his chest.

Sometimes, if he was lucky and avoided thinking about the Hanahaki, it faded away. For a little bit, at least. It was too bad the damn thing wouldn’t die on its own no matter how badly he wished it would.

His heart clenched. Fighting back the overwhelming sadness clawing up his throat, Killua whispered, “Why are you asking me this now? What’s the point? In a week, it won’t matter.”

Something dark flickered across Gon’s face, too quick for Killua to catch. It was gone before Killua could blink.

Gon’s voice was solemn when he said, “Your feelings always matter, Killua.” He shifted closer, until their arms pressed together along with their still-clasped hands in the small space between them. “And I’m not asking about what’s going happen in a week. I want to know how you feel now. How do you know you’re in love? What makes it more than just regular love?”

Killua’s head was starting to pound. He didn’t get what Gon wanted from him- or why Gon was so damn close. It made Killua’s skin itch. Gon wouldn’t get anything out of asking this, and neither would Killua. The only thing that might happen would be Killua’s Hanahaki reacting violently to his growing heartache.

Gon had to know that. He was so much more perceptive than most people gave him credit for. But Gon was also selfish and Killua had a bad habit of giving into his best friend’s tendencies. Even if it hurt him in the process.

Killua sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. Might as well get the pain over with, then.

“Being in love,” Killua began slowly. “It’s…well, first, it’s not more than just regular love, okay, it’s just…it’s different. Not more, different.”

“How?”

Killua opened his eyes. Gon’s eyes were wide, glimmering with curiosity, and totally focused on Killua. Gon was gazing at Killua like he was the only person in the entire world.

Killua’s heart stuttered, heat rushing to every corner of his body.

“U-Uh,” Killua stammered and instantly hated himself for being unable to form a proper sentence just because Gon was looking at him- “It’s like, when you’re with the person you l-like, you get…all warm and fuzzy on the inside. It’s like how you feel when you drink hot chocolate on a cold day. Um.”

He stopped suddenly at the sound of quiet giggles. It took him a few seconds before he realized it was coming from Gon. Gon, who was making the whole bed shake with the force of his suppressed laughter.

Prickling irritation stabbed through him.

Killua clenched Gon’s hand in an iron grip, squishing tan fingers together hard enough for it to be painful. He hissed, “Gon! I’m trying to have a serious conversation here, what the hell?”

“S-Sorry!” Gon gasped. His face was scarlet with the effort of holding back his snickers and Killua venomously dug his nails into Gon’s skin. “It’s- ow. It’s just-!”

“Just what?!”

Gon grinned at him, infuriatingly unfazed by Killua’s rage. “It’s just, heh, Killua. Only you would compare love to chocolate!”

A muscle in Killua’s face twitched. Did Gon really just say that?!

Without warning, he tugged his free arm out from under the sheets and flicked Gon’s forehead. A satisfying SNAP echoed around the room.

“AH!” Gon’s free hand slapped across the spot Killua had hit. “Killua! That hurt!”

“Good! That was for interrupting me. Don’t ask questions if you’re just gonna interrupt, stupid!”

Gon pouted and rubbed at the sore spot. “But I already said I was sorry!”

He had, Killua thought with a scowl. But that didn’t mean he was just going to let Gon get away without some form of punishme-

“Plus, y’know, I thought it was kind of cute?”

Killua blinked, his rage melting away. “Wh-what?”

Gon scratched his still-pink cheek. He said somewhat haltingly, “You, comparing love to something you adore so much, I mean! It was really cute, Killua! You’re trying your best to explain how you feel in your own words. Thank you.” He gently squeezed their still interlocked hands. “Really.”

Killua’s breath caught in his throat. He’d forgotten they were still holding hands. How, he had no idea. He just knew he was abruptly hyper-aware of the way Gon’s fingers rested comfortably against his, skin warm and calloused and perfect.

It made Killua want to hold on tight and never, ever let go.

“So,” Gon murmured, voice velvety soft and a shudder cascaded down Killua’s spine. “Love is like hot chocolate, huh? I always thought it had something to do with butterflies in your stomach…”

A moment passed before Killua could compose himself enough to think of something to say; the way Gon had spoken just then was distracting. Gon himself was a distraction from his own question, and the other teen didn’t even know it.

Killua managed to stutter out, “It’s. Uh. It’s a bit of both, actually.”

Gon’s lips quirked upwards at one end. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Killua felt the mattress dip slightly under his hip as Gon inched towards him. They were close enough now that Killua could easily spot the flecks of gold in Gon’s caramel brown irises.

“Tell me more,” Gon said and Killua’s mouth went dry.

It was actually pathetic how weak he was for this star of a boy. Gon shone, even in the darkness of the night, and Killua wanted nothing more than to bask in his radiant light, even if it was just for a little while longer.

Hoarsely, Killua explained, “There’s the butterflies in your gut, yeah. But there’s so many other things- feelings you’d never in a million years expect to feel until suddenly one day you wake up and can’t escape them. Your body reacts to the most dumb things. Even if the person you love is just looking at you, your heart starts to race and your skin tingles. You lose your train of thought watching them because the way they go about living life is somehow so amazing and incredibly beautiful. It doesn’t matter if they’re not doing anything special; it already is special because they’re the ones doing it. It’s their presence that makes all the difference.”

He paused and took large breath, trying his best to ignore his pounding heart. The thing was beating so fast it felt like it was trying to burst out of his chest.

Killua pressed his lips into a thin line. It was almost like his own body was trying to remind him just how much he related to the words pouring out of his mouth. As if he needed the reminder that he was hopelessly in love.

As if he could forget while Gon laid less than a hand’s width away from him. If Killua moved at all, their bodies would touch. That’s how they had gotten since the start of their conversation. It made Killua’s hair stand on end, and he tried his best to stay totally still.

As steadily as he could manage, Killua said, “T-There’s the non-physical stuff too.”

“Like?” Gon asked quietly.

“Like…” Killua held back a groan. How the hell could he describe even a fraction of the impact Gon had on him? How could he explain the way Gon’s presence brought a light into Killua’s life that he hadn’t known existed until then?

Killua averted his gaze from Gon’s gold-eyed intensity, focusing instead on the startling light and dark contrast of their hands. It was nice to see how well they fit together, even though they were so different.

He murmured, “It’s like, how seeing that person makes your entire day. Like wanting to do better and be better, because they’re the one who helped you believe it’s possible in the first place. It’s asking them a million questions just so you can know everything about them. It’s waking up in the morning and wanting their face to be the first thing you see. It’s going out of your way to check up on them, even when you d-don’t have to...”

His voice trailed off in a whisper. Even if he wanted to keep talking, he literally couldn’t. It hurt too much; heavy, tingling pressure was starting to build up behind his eyes and his throat burned like it had been set on fire. He tried to swallow, but that only made the ache worse.

It felt a lot like he was dying from the inside-out. And that was nothing new, really.

“Killua? Are you okay?”

Killua blinked to see Gon’s anxious face staring back at him. It was Gon’s white-knuckled grip on Killua’s fingers that had forcibly brought Killua back to himself.

“I’m fine,” he croaked but his voice cracked on the last word.

Shit, he thought as pure, unrestricted horror crashed over him. Why was Gon always the one he had to break down in front of?! He wanted to yank the covers over his head and somehow bury himself into Gon’s mattress. He would do anything if it meant he could hide from Gon’s deepening frown.

“You’re not fine,” Gon said. “I can tell when you’re lying, Killua.”

Of course Gon could tell. Gon knew him better than anyone else, except for Alluka. But Killua had been playing this game for a long time now and he wasn’t about to give in when he was this close to the end. It was better for Killua to lie, to save Gon from unnecessary suffering on Killua’s behalf.

It was better, Killua repeated to himself even as his throat constricted, to leave Gon thinking he wasn’t a few breaths away from suffocating every moment of every day. Gon didn’t need to know how close to death Killua really was.

Killua said through gritted teeth, “I am fine. Okay? I made it through that entire speech without coughing up a single petal, didn’t I?

Gon grimaced. “I’m not sure if that counts as ‘fine’. But-” he rushed to say as Killua started to snarl something, “-but, as long as you’re here with me, that’s the most important thing.”

Then to Killua’s surprise, Gon admitted in a tone that was almost shy, “Killua, I- I’m really happy you were able to come over tonight.”

“I told you I would,” Killua said. It was hard to tell in the dark like this, but it almost looked like Gon was…was blushing. Why, though?! Gon was practically famous for his blunt nature. He never got embarrassed over anything, especially when it came to shoving his affectionate nature down Killua’s throat. What was Gon really trying to get at here? “Why are you saying all of this? You know I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

Gon shrugged awkwardly, one shoulder pressed into the bed. “You could’ve stayed home. You could’ve…you could have spent tonight talking with your unrequited lover instead of having dinner with me and Aunt Mito.”

“You really think I’d pass up your aunt’s cooking?” Killua joked, trying to somehow lighten the thick tension hovering in the air around them.

“Well, I mean, you might have! It sounds like you care a lot about him if he makes you feel all of those things.”

 Killua fell silent. He didn’t have a response to that one. If he told Gon that he had, in fact, spent the night talking to his unrequited lover, he would give everything away. And he wasn’t about to let that happen.

But. He could say one thing.

“I do care about him,” Killua admitted lowly, a gentle and swelling warmth blossoming inside his chest. “I care about him more than anything.”

“More than anything in the entire world?” his best friend asked. Gon’s eyes were large enough to rival the moon.

Killua couldn’t help but laugh at Gon’s awed tone. That was such a Gon thing to ask. He was still a little kid at heart no matter how much time had passed since their initial meeting all those years ago, and Killua was glad for it. He hoped Gon would stay like that for the rest of his life, even if Killua wouldn’t be there to tease him for it.

“Yeah, more than anything in the entire world,” he said and grinned to hide the soul-crushing despair that threatened to swallow him whole.  

“Wow,” Gon breathed. “You know, Killua, I think it’s pretty amazing that you can love someone with your entire being like that! I think…I think you’re amazing. You have so much love to give and that’s beautiful.”

Killua flushed. “It is not amazing.”

“It is, though!”

“Tell that to the flower in my windpipe, then!” Killua shot back. He regretted it an instant later when Gon’s bright expression faltered.

“I. Gon, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“Killua,” Gon said lowly and Killua immediately stopped.

Gon’s face was strangely blank, now. Seeing Gon like that- so empty and stiff- sent a sharp pang straight through Killua’s chest. Knowing it was his fault made it even worse.

Damnit. Why had he blurted that out of all things?! Gon was just trying to be nice, and he had to go and ruin it. How could he be so incredibly insensitive and stupid-

“I was thinking a lot about you earlier,” Gon said slowly. He raised his gaze to look directly at Killua and Killua’s stomach lurched. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like whatever Gon was planning to say.

“Killua, have you ever told the person you love about your feelings?”

The air vanished from Killua’s lungs.

Gon continued, oblivious to Killua’s reaction, “It’s just, I know you’re shy about this kind of stuff. So, I figured that you might not actually know how this person feels about you- maybe he loves you back, and your love isn’t so unrequited as you thought. But you would never know it, because you never asked.”

The back of Killua’s neck prickled. He felt hot and clammy all over, like on those rare occasions he managed to get a fever. Just the mere idea of telling Gon the truth was enough to send Killua’s mind and body into a panic.

He finally said, voice weak, “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” Gon leaned forward and Killua inhaled sharply as Gon’s knees pressed up against his, their intertwined hands now resting against Gon’s broad chest. “Doing that might just save you! You wouldn’t need the surgery, and the flower would die-”

“Because I just can’t!” Killua burst out. His shout bounced off Gon’s bedroom walls and assaulted his ears. But it was Gon’s shocked face that caused a wave of shame to crash over him.

Eyes stinging, Killua whispered, “I can’t, Gon. I just. I can’t do it. It doesn’t even matter, anyway. I already know the answer. There’s no point in saying anything now.”

Gon bit his bottom lip. He didn’t speak and it took Killua a moment to spot the silent argument raging behind Gon’s expression. What he was fighting with himself about, Killua had no clue. And he didn’t have the energy to try and somehow help. So, he just watched numbly, pulse lightning-fast and hand still warm in Gon’s comforting grasp.

Then, Gon asked, “What if…you didn’t have to say anything?”

Killua’s brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

Gon visibly swallowed. At their proximity, Killua immediately saw the heavy blush spreading across freckled cheeks and all the way to the tips of Gon’s ears. Even Gon’s fingers were starting to feel unnaturally sweaty against his own.

“I mean,” Gon said and his voice shook slightly. “What if, someone else confessed how they felt about you.”

Killua’s heart skipped and for a moment, he forgot to breathe.

“What if,” Gon said, eyes glowing with that nameless, throbbing emotion Killua recognized from before. “What if, the person you liked admitted he liked you back? What if he said that you’re the person he wanted to spend every single day with, now and forever? What if he kissed you, so you wouldn’t have to say anything at all?”

Gon pressed closer, and even closer still. Gon’s bedroom melted away and Killua’s world narrowed down to eyes of liquid gold, blazing red cheeks and those beautiful, slightly parted lips.

“What if,” Gon said and his breath brushed across the bridge of Killua’s nose. “What if I kissed you?”

Killua couldn’t bring himself to speak. He didn’t think he could even if he wanted to. His head swam in dizzying circles because Gon was right there in front of him and he wasn’t backing off or stopping. He just kept staring at Killua- unblinking, fixated, determined- as he moved closer and closer and closer and Killua abruptly realized what was about to happen a second before it did.

Gon’s eyes fluttered shut and he gently pressed his mouth to Killua’s, finally closing what little distance had remained between them.

Chapter Text

Gon’s lips were soft.

That was the first thought that somehow managed to break through the static in Killua’s brain.

They were soft, careful, and so- so gentle as they pressed to Killua’s, touch light as butterfly wings. Gon’s kiss wasn’t at all demanding; he kissed Killua like he was something precious and fragile, like he would fall apart in an instant if Gon applied the tiniest bit of force.

And Killua…didn’t know what to do. He laid paralyzed on Gon’s bed, eyes frozen wide as he stared at Gon’s thick eyelashes. For a split second, he thought he’d finally died and was in heaven. But the way his heart pounded away in his chest, loud and heavy, reminded him that he was very much alive. It made his head swim in dizzy circles and his blood sing as it raced through his veins.

Because Gon was everywhere, all around him, surrounding him with no escape; a single tanned hand wrapped around Killua’s, the other cupping Killua’s jaw and leaving Killua’s pale skin tingling, their legs tangled under the sheets, Gon’s nose pressing into Killua’s cheek while his mouth moved oh so tenderly against Killua’s non-responsive one-

And then it was over.

Killua’s lips were tingling when Gon pulled away. He didn’t go far; only a few inches separated their faces by the time he stopped. If Killua wanted, he could close that distance with barely any effort at all.

There was a heavy pause. Seconds passed as the two simply looked at each other, breath labored and mixing in the space between their mouths. Killua continued to stare at Gon wordlessly, unable to form a single cohesive thought to even begin to understand what had just happened. Gon gazed right back without an ounce of shame, all flushed skin and heaving chest.

Killua couldn’t look away from his best friend.

He hungrily drank in the sight of Gon’s tousled brown hair and the wild light in those round eyes. They were like liquid gold in the reflecting moonlight. Freckles stood out on red cheeks like scattered stars. Gon looked so perfectly disheveled in that moment that it took Killua’s breath away.

But it was wrong. So, so wrong and horrible and messed up, and the worst part was Killua knew it, too.

A slow but steady ache started to build up inside him. It filled his lungs, then his chest. It kept growing and growing until Killua felt like he was drowning in it. The crushing sadness shattered Killua’s already fractured heart into hundreds of millions of shards and he nearly sobbed at the pain.

A breaking heart hurt. It hurt more than anything Killua had ever felt before in his entire life.

He sucked in a quiet, shuddering breath and his face crumpled. Hot wetness welled up in his eyes and spilled over before he could stop them. They fell sideways, off his cheeks and onto his pillow without a sound.

Through his blurry view, he thought he saw Gon’s eyes fly wide in horror.

“Ki-Killua?” he stammered. “Killua, hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me, please-”

“Why.” Killua’s voice shook. “Why would you do that?”

Gon blinked, clearly taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think this is funny?” Killua snapped. He yanked his hand out of Gon’s and shot upwards into a sitting position. He vigorously scrubbed his swollen eyes with the heel of his hand until it stung. Until he couldn’t hear how loudly his heart screamed in his chest. “Do you think this is just some kind of joke?!”

Gon’s jaw dropped as he pushed himself up to match Killua’s sudden height. “What are you talking about?! I don’t understand, why are you cry-”

Killua slapped away the hand extended to him, ignoring the wounded look on his best friend’s face at the action. He spat out, “Don’t touch me! I can’t believe you would even try something like that!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Gon said loudly, voice hoarse and eyes pleading. “I didn’t do anything, Killua!”

“You kissed me!” Killua practically shrieked. His lungs were on fire. His throat was burning and he pushed down the need to cough because speaking was more important right now. Yelling was more important than whatever tickle was brushing up against his windpipe.

Gon had kissed him. And he couldn’t- he didn’t-

“You’re not making any sense!” Gon wailed. “Explain it to me so I know what I did to make you act like this!”

 “You,” he said as his voice trembled with suppressed rage. “You don’t even get it. You’re so- so! Ugh! I can’t even say it!”

“Just tell me what I did wrong, Killua!”

“You don’t love me!” Killua exploded and more tears fell down the sides his face. “You don’t love me, and you kissed me. You’re so hellbent on not letting me die that you’re trying to act the part of my unrequited lover! And you’re playing with my emotions in the process.”

Gon recoiled as if he’d been slapped, blood draining out of his cheeks so fast the contrast was startling. But Killua was too furious to care.

“Killua.” Gon swallowed thickly. “You can’t think I would ever do that to you.”

“I think that’s exactly the kind of thing you would do if you were desperate enough.”

“Why?!” Gon’s voice cracked and Killua’s heart twisted. “Why, I don’t- Killua, I would never hurt you like that-”

Killua’s hysterical laughter cut off the rest of Gon’s response. Killua gasped, chest heaving with pain and half-choked down sobs, “Oh, Gon, that’s exactly why! You don’t want the Hanahaki to hurt me anymore. Which is great, I’m glad you c-care.”

He dug his nails into the center of his palms. He struggled to keep his voice even as he said, “But you and I both know the only way to get rid of the flower is to have one’s feelings returned. So that’s what you did: you tried to return my feelings by being my substitute lover.”

Gon gaped at Killua in horror.

“You know,” Killua said in mock-thoughtfulness. “It’s actually a clever idea. I’m surprised you came up with it, to be honest. It’s not going to work, though, because I know the truth.”

“You’re wrong,” Gon said hoarsely.

Killua shook his head. “I’m not.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Don’t you dare,” Killua hissed. Another wave of fury washed over him and he just barely held back the urge to scream murderously at his best friend. “Don’t you dare argue with me like that. This isn’t some sort of fucking game, Gon! This is real and I won’t let myself be played just because you feel guilty!”

Gon’s face darkened. His tone sent chills down Killua’s spine when he said lowly, “I’m not playing games with you, Killua.”

“You said so yourself: what if he kissed you?” Fresh, disgusting and pathetic tears welled up in his eyes. He felt like someone was stabbing his heart over and over and over again with a jagged knife. His throat closed and he had to force forced himself to even whisper, “What if I kissed you? And then you did.”

Despair crashed down on him, driving away all his frustration and anger. He bowed his head and his shoulders shook with the effort to hold back gut-wrenching sobs. He hated everything about this- that Gon had kissed him, that they were fighting now because of it and how he couldn’t trust Gon’s words even though he had never doubted him before.

But most of all, Killua hated himself. He hated the fact that he didn’t want to leave Gon’s side despite what had just happened. He hated the stupid, tiny hope that still existed in the farthest corner of his mind that maybe he and Gon could still be together. He hated that he couldn’t stop from crying himself sick in front of the person who mattered more to him than anything he had ever cared about before or ever will.

He hated it.

“Killua,” Gon begged. He didn’t reach out to Killua again and for that, at least, Killua was glad. He might break apart entirely if Gon touched him. “Killua, that wasn’t me trying to substitute your lover. And I swear I would never kiss you just to heal you. That’s cruel and horrible and- and mean. I’m not like that. You know I’m not like that.”

Killua couldn’t believe him. He couldn’t because that would end with him throwing up marigolds onto Gon’s sheets. But-

“Then w-why would you d-do it?” he said through gritted teeth and the pain eating him from the inside out. “There’s no other reason-”

“Killua.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, as if doing that would somehow block Gon’s voice from reaching his ears. Killua wished Gon would stop saying his name. It only made everything worse than it already was and whatever Gon had to say, he didn’t want to hear it. He just wanted this all to end so he would stop hurting all the fucking time-

“Killua,” Gon repeated. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”

The words sent a jolt down Killua’s spine. His breath caught in his throat and his whole body turned cold.

That was something Killua had dreamed of hearing Gon say for a very, very long time. But not like this. Not as something that tore at his already shredded heart and made him want to collapse into himself until nothing remained.

“Please,” he pleaded. “Please, Gon, enough of this already.”

“…you don’t believe me.”

Killua finally raised his head at Gon’s empty tone. The other teen’s face was paler than Killua could ever remember seeing it before and his stomach lurched at the sight.

“I can’t,” Killua said weakly.

Gon’s expression twisted as if he was the one in pain. “Why?! I don’t understand you! Why do you think it’s so impossible for me to lik-”

Killua growled, eyes prickling, “Stop it. Just. Stop, Gon. I’ve had enough for one night.”

 “I won’t. Not until you believe me!”

“There’s nothing to believe! You’re just trying to make me feel better and newsflash, it’s not working.”

“I’m not just doing this for you!” Gon said, voice growing louder. “I need to tell you how I feel about you!”

“Oh, so now you’re being selfish, is that it?! How is that in any way fair, forcing your ‘so-called’ feelings on me-”

“You’re the one not being fair, Killua! You keep interrupting me whenever I try to tell you that I lo-”

“GON!” he burst out, on the verge of breaking down completely. The lump in his throat was raw and burning. He could barely breathe around it. “Please, I’m begging you. Don’t do this, I can’t listen to you if you keep on lying-”

Gon’s eyes flashed dangerously. “I am not a liar, Killua. You know me better than anyone; do you really think I would try to hurt you? Ever? Do you really think I would lie about something like this?”

“You-” Killua twisted the sheets pooling around his waist in a white-knuckled grip. “It d-doesn’t matter. You can’t be telling the t-truth.”

Gon grounded out, “Why. Not.”

Killua lost it.

“Because!” he roared. His voice bounced off the walls but Gon kept on glaring at him, unaffected by Killua’s murderous fury. “You- you can’t love me, it’s impossible! There’s literally nothing about m-me that- that could even be worth even half of your-your-”

There was something caught in the back of his throat. He turned away to cough violently, wincing at the sharp tang of iron. He didn’t have the time to think about what that meant before Gon was already shouting at Killua’s back-

“What are you talking about?! Killua, what you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! You’re basing all of this on how you see yourself and you’re not even thinking about how I see you. I’ve told you a million times how incredible and amazing I think you are!”

Killua twisted around. “That doesn’t mean anything!” he hissed, spitting the words from his mouth like venom. “Amazing, incredible- you throw those words around every single goddamn day! That has nothing to do with being in lo- in…”

Killua was taking huge gulps of air now. His chest heaved with the effort to get oxygen to his lungs, but it wasn’t helping. Something was blocking this windpipe, that same thing he’d felt at the back of his throat earlier.

His eyes bulged. The Hanahaki. The flower.

“Oh, yeah?! Well maybe if you just tried actually listening to me, you’d get that I’m- Killua?” Gon cut himself off, immediately noticing a change in atmosphere. “Killua, why did you stop talking, what’s wrong?!“

Killua desperately clawed at his neck. He couldn’t breathe at all now. The flower was blocking his throat completely and pressure was starting to build up in his lungs. Panic settled in his bones, making his pulse skyrocket.

He was suffocating. He couldn’t breathe and he was suffocating. He was going to die.

Silent tears spilled down Killua’s cheeks as tremors racked through his body. Of all the ways to die, he never thought it would be here- in Gon’s bedroom on Gon’s bed, right in the middle of a fight with the person he cared about more than his own life, right after his first kiss. How much crueler could his life get at this point?

“No,” Gon whispered, horrified understanding filtering into his face. “No. No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, Killua, you- you can’t die, you just!!! You can’t!”

Killua would have snapped back at Gon for that- you can’t just decide when your life is over, idiot, it doesn’t work like that- but his head was too fuzzy to even try to form the words. His fingers were starting to go numb.

“KILLUA!!!”

Calloused hands slapped over his tear-stained cheeks and Killua jerked violently. He suddenly found himself staring into Gon’s beautiful golden eyes.

“Killua,” Gon growled lowly. “Stop. Stop panicking, stop feeling- whatever it is you’re doing right now that’s making the flower inside of you react, you need to stop it. Okay?! You’re not going to die, so just stop thinking so much! I don’t care what you have to do to calm down but do it now before it’s too late!”

Gon’s words somehow made it through Killua’s hazy mind. How was he supposed to stop panicking?! It wasn’t like he could just flip a switch and suddenly stop thinking!

But Gon’s eyes glowed with hard determination. He believed in Killua more than Killua believed in himself. He always had. And Gon-

Gon was Killua’s light, was Killua’s sun. He was an idiot, stubborn and ridiculous and reckless to the point of fault, but he was good and honest and made miracles happen just by saying so. He inspired Killua to be more than he was.

So Killua obeyed. He forced his mind go completely blank. He stopped thinking about the flower, about his death, about everything that had transpired between him and Gon in the past few minutes. Instead, he focused on the moonlight on Gon’s cheekbones, the warmth of his hands on Killua’s skin, the quiet ticking of the clock in the background. Killua let his shoulders drop, relaxing into Gon’s touch, and he breathed.

His throat opened, his chest filled with air and he breathed.

Gon let out a sound that was half-way between a sob and a laugh. “Ki-Killua,” he said, eyes turning glossy. “You’re breathing. You’re ok-kay.”

Then, to Killua’s absolute horror, Gon’s lower lip wobbled dangerously. That was all the warning before Gon threw himself forward, flinging his arms around Killua’s shoulders. Killua inhaled sharply as Gon shoved his face into the crook of Killua’s neck. Killua could feel Gon’s entire body trembling through their embrace.

He was really scared, Killua realized distantly. No, not scared: terrified. For all his brave words and certainty, it was painfully obvious just how terrified Gon had really been of losing Killua. 

Killua swallowed thickly and blinked to hold back the water in his eyes. He croaked out, “Gon.”

“I’m s-sorry!” Gon squeezed him tighter and Killua wheezed. “I’m just! I’m so glad that, that you’re not…”

Killua wrapped his arms around Gon’s waist, heart finally starting to slow to a normal, steady pace. He whispered, “I know. I know. But I’m here, it’s okay.”

Gon nodded jerkily against Killua. His fingers dug into Killua’s shoulder blades, almost like he was afraid that Killua would disappear if he let go.

“Gon,” Killua said again, making his voice soft. “Hey. I’m fin-”

“No, you’re not!!!”

Killua’s mouth shut with a click.

Gon took in a shuddering breath; Killua could feel Gon’s broad chest expanding against his and his heart stuttered.

“You’re not fine, Killua,” Gon said quietly. “Please don’t say that. You- you almost died, just now. I could’ve lost you forever. And it would’ve been my fault.”

Ice shot down Killua’s spine. “No, Gon, that’s not true.”

“Are you saying that your Hanahaki acting up had nothing to do with our fight?”

Killua gritted his teeth. Damnit. He couldn’t say anything against that.

Gon huffed. “See. I’m right.”

“Gon-” he began, but Gon was leaning back before Killua could finish. Killua immediately released him despite the sad pang in his chest. Of course Gon wouldn’t want to hug forever, Killua didn’t know what he’d been expecting-

His best friend slid his hands up to gently cup Killua’s face and Killua’s mind went blank at the feeling of warm, sturdy fingers on his cheeks.

The smile Gon offered him was small, but genuine. He gazed at Killua unabashedly and his eyes seemed to almost glow in the dark with a quiet, burning adoration.

Killua’s stomach flipped. Why was Gon looking at him like that? Wasn’t he mad at Killua for trying to brush the whole Hanahaki-incident off?

“Killua,” Gon said, tone kind but firm. “I’m going to talk for a little while, okay? This is probably going to be uncomfortable for you, and maybe a little awkward, but it will be for me too! And this…this is important. For both of us. You can say whatever you want after I’m done. This way the flower inside your chest won’t act up again. Deal?”

Killua wanted to say no. He didn’t like the way Gon had said that, or the strange tightness in his own gut. Now more than ever he wanted to bolt because the way Gon was looking at him made his heart do backflips inside his chest.

But he could see the hidden pain in the shadows of Gon’s eyes and the tightness of his face. Whatever this was, it was something Gon needed to say. And Killua didn’t want to hurt either of them by arguing any more.

He nodded slowly, acutely aware of Gon’s hands on his either side of his face, and Gon’s smile widened. “Okay, great. I’m just. I’m just going to come out and say it, then.”

He inhaled deeply. Killua’s insides squirmed at the sight of his best friend’s darkening cheeks. That had happened earlier too, right before Gon had- had done that. So Killua wasn’t sure what to make of it now.

Gon was still gazing at him with that warm, unbearably soft look. Killua held his breath as Gon said simply:

“Killua. I’m in love with you.”

Heat rushed to Killua’s face. His heart thumped erratically inside his chest, bursting into life like a firework, and his whole body tingled as if he’d been struck by lightning.

It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. But hearing Gon say those words still made Killua’s traitorous body come alive with hope.

“I know you don’t believe me,” Gon said and Killua grimaced. “That’s okay. Well, I mean, it’s not, but it will be because I’m going to prove it to you!”

“Oh, yeah?” Killua said faintly. His voice shook embarrassingly.

Gon beamed. “Mhm! Here, watch-”

Gon’s hands slowly slid down Killua’s cheeks to his jaw, then his neck. Killua stayed completely still as Gon’s fingers trailed down his body, internally shrieking and trying his best not to pass out from the swirling mix of emotions raging inside of him.

Gon’s hands found his. He took one of Killua’s thin hands and brought it to his cheek.

Killua sucked in a sharp breath. He almost scrambled away in shock but Gon held his hand him firmly in place with his own.

“G-Gon!” Killua squeaked. What the hell was going on?!

“Pay attention, Killua,” Gon said, eyes dancing in the dim light. He obviously knew the effect this was having Killua and Killua wanted to hit him over the head for it. That stupid, smug little- “What do you feel?”

Killua made a face. He was feeling Gon’s cheek, obviously. He was feeling the texture of Gon’s beautiful dark skin, the shallow curve of Gon’s cheekbone under his thumb. Killua wiggled his fingers under Gon’s a little, splaying them out. Gon’s skin was softer than he ever imagined it would be. It was also very, very warm.

“Well?”

“It’s. Uh.” Killua bit his lip. “Hot?”

Gon bobbed his head, and with it, Killua’s entire arm. “Yeah, exactly! I’m…” Gon’s smile turned shy and Killua blinked, surprised, “-Killua, I’m blushing.”

Blushing? What did that have to do with anythi- oh.

Killua’s stomach lurched and his mouth went dry. Was Gon trying to say that he was blushing because of…because of Killua? No, it had to be something else. But Gon never got embarrassed by anything, so it wasn’t that-

“And here, look!” Gon snatched Killua’s other hand and pressed it to his chest. “Now what do you feel?”

Killua felt like he was going to shrivel up and die, that’s what. One hand still on Gon’s cheek, the other over Gon’s muscular chest as his best friend’s heart raced wildly under his fingertips. Killua frowned. It was almost weird how quick Gon’s heartbeat was, actually.

Blue eyes widened in realization. His hand on Gon’s face shifted slightly as Gon smiled at him.

“See?” Gon said. “My heart is going really, really fast. That only happens when you do exercise, or-”

“Or when you like someone,” Killua finished faintly. Gon’s grin was bright enough now to rival the sun.

“Exactly!” he chirped. “I mean, there’s more than just those two things, of course. My hands got kind of sweaty earlier too, because it was your hand I was holding. Oh, but you probably noticed that already, right? Um.”

Gon’s cheek grew even more heated under Killua’s palm. Slowly, he lowered Killua’s hands until they rested on the sheets between their crossed legs. He loosely interlocked their fingers, staring down at them with his brow furrowed.

After a few seconds, Gon murmured, “Even just looking at you, Killua…you make me feel warm and sort of tingly? I’m not sure how to describe it, but it’s a nice feeling. I like it a lot. It makes my stomach swoop and I always feel really, really happy. And I just know somehow that it’s all because of you.”

Killua didn’t say anything. He couldn’t even if he wanted to; his throat was tight and it was a struggle for him to breathe normally. It was a different than all the times before with his Hanahaki; this time, there was a swelling feeling coming to life in the center of his chest that was too big for words alone.

But he was also afraid. Afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would wake up and this moment would be gone forever.

Gon lifted his head, chocolate-brown hair falling into shinning eyes, and Killua’s breath hitched.

“Do you remember all that stuff you said when I asked how you knew you were in love, Killua?” he asked and Killua nodded unsteadily. “Well, if you need more proof, I do that stuff with you all the time! Or, have already done I guess you would say.”

Killua frowned. Gon had lost him there.

“Listen-” Gon scooted closer, until their knees were touching, “- just think about it! You said you lose your train of thought watching the person you love, right? Because they’re so amazing and beautiful? That happened to me with you on top of the cliff the other day, Killua! When you were standing there with your arms bent behind you head and the sun hit your hair at just the right angle, you looked so pretty like that…”

His voice trailed off. Blood rushed to Killua’s face as honey-brown eyes raked over his body. He could literally feel Gon’s gaze dragging across his skin, only stopping to linger on Killua’s lips.

Holy shit, Killua thought as Gon continued staring at him with unwavering fixation. His entire body was burning and his head felt dizzy. If Gon kept this up, he really was going to pass out.

Gon’s voice was rough as he said, “I’ve always wanted to know everything about you, too. I always text you as soon as I wake up because you’re the first person I think about. Even when we don’t have school that day, I text you just to see how you slept or if you want to come over for the day. And when you got hurt in school last week, I rushed to your side and messaged you later to make sure you were okay.”

Gon’s eyes were shining fiercely in the moonlight as he locked onto Killua’s blue. Killua couldn’t look away from that brilliant intensity as Gon said again, without hesitation or uncertainty:

“Killua, I love you. You- you’re my best friend. You’re the most beautiful and breathtaking person I’ve ever met, and I know no matter what that I want to spend every day with you, forever and ever. I must’ve loved you for ages but I only realized it recently. That’s why I never said anything before. And I’m-” Gon’s shoulders shook as he took in a shuddering breath, “-I’m so sorry it took me until now to figure everything out. If I’d realized my feelings sooner, you wouldn’t have Hanahaki. You wouldn’t have gone through all that suffering on your own. I’m so sorry, Killua.”

Killua’s spinning mind suddenly screeched to a halt.

“Wha- what?” Killua stammered aloud. “What did you just say?”

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Gon repeated. “I never meant to-”

“Wait, why are you sorry? You didn’t- I mean, it’s not like it’s your fault.” The lie sat heavy on his tongue, just like the blood-smeared petals Killua so often coughed into his mouth.

Gon scrunched up his nose. “Killua…I know.”

“Know what?” he asked, pointedly ignoring the horror building up in the back of his brain.

Gon squeezed Killua’s hands. He said plainly, “I know about the marigolds.”

Killua’s body turned to ice. No. No, no, no, no, no. There was no way that Gon had figured it out, that was impossible-

“Aunt Mito brought back some flower smelling samples earlier today,” Gon explained over Killua’s inner panic. “And that’s when I recognized it, the scent of marigolds. I had smelled it on you earlier. You know, that day you had to leave early because your parents were coming back to town?”

Killua silently cursed Gon’s incredible nose. He’d gotten so used to the marigold scent coming off his breath that he didn’t even realize it was there anymore. But Gon with his bizarre super-sense abilities would have noticed it right away.

So. Gon knew the meaning behind the marigolds. That also meant that he knew that…that Killua was…

Killua swallowed thickly, blood roaring in his ears. Shit.

“Marigolds,” Gon said quietly, dragging Killua back to the moment at hand. “They match the colors of the petals you cough up, too. Orange and red and yellow. And they’re the same flowers I used to make those flower crowns the first day we met. But, Killua, there’s still one thing I don’t understand.”

Killua eyed Gon warily. “What is it?”

Gon pouted. “Killua. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why?” Killua repeated incredulously. Was Gon being serious?! “You want to know why I didn’t tell you the truth, why I hid everything from you?”

“Yeah! You could’ve-”

“No!” Killua’s voice jumped up an octave and his nails dug into Gon’s fingers. “No, I couldn’t! Jeez, Gon, do you have no common sense?! If I ever told you that I- that I.” He could actually feel how red his face was by this point. He half wished the Hanahaki would take him now before he finished explaining to his crush why confessing was so incredibly out of the fucking question.

“If I said anything,” Killua said through gritted teeth. “Anything at all, what do you think would’ve happened to us?”

Gon tilted his head to the side. “To us?”

“Yeah. To us. We’re best friends. Friends don’t- they don’t do that sort of stuff.”

“You mean, couple-y stuff?”

God damnit. Gon was going to make him explode one day from sheer mortification. “Yes, Gon. Couple-y stuff.”

Gon hummed. “So, what you’re trying to say is…best friends can’t hold hands?”

Killua stiffened. He was suddenly hyper-aware of Gon’s sturdy fingers curled around his.

“Uh.”

“Are you saying that best friends don’t wipe off blood from their lips,” Gon continued. “Or that best friends don’t almost kiss each other on the beach?”

Killua’s heart stuttered. The almost kiss. That’s what it had been, hadn’t it? He was so sure that he’d misunderstood the whole thing. But, now, after everything Gon had said-

“Are you saying that I can’t be your best friend because watched over you while you were in the nurse’s office? That because I realized at that moment that I was completely and totally in love with you, we can’t hang out or spend time together like we used to?”

Killua’s jaw dropped. “You. You what-”

“We’ll always be best friends, Killua,” Gon said, cutting him off. “You can’t change that, no matter what happens in the future. You’ll always be the person I turn to, the person who knows me better than anyone else. But-” and it was here he smiled at Killua, all gentle eyes and curving lips that filled Killua’s chest with a light fluttering warmth-

“Killua. Only you can decide where you want to take our relationship from here. Time’s running out, you know?”

His entire body stiffened at the reminder, ice shooting down his spine.

Right. Illumi. The surgery.

A pang resounded deep in his chest. He didn’t want to think about it, but he had to. He said as steadily as he could, “Gon. Let go.”

Gon blinked. Hurt flashed across his eyes but he did as Killua asked. He reluctantly pulled back and Killua twisted around, throwing his legs over the side of Gon’s bed, facing the moonlit window.

Killua stared unblinkingly at the beige carpet under his bare feet. Gon was right that time was running out. Today was Saturday and Gramps had scheduled the meeting with Illumi on Wednesday. If the flower was still there by his appointment, everything would go. Killua would be a shell of himself.

So. He had a decision to make.

He could either accept Gon’s words, believe everything his best friend had said and give into his own desires.

Or he could listen to the nagging voice in the back of his head that whispered how Killua was just fooling himself, that Gon was just telling him this to make Killua feel better and their kiss had meant nothing to Gon at all.

 “Killua?” Gon’s voice sounded incredibly small and Killua sunk his teeth into his lower lip to keep himself from saying anything. He heard the mattress creak as Gon shifted behind him.

“Killua,” Gon said again, slightly closer this time. “I- I know this is a lot to take in, and I know this is really scary for you. I know it is for me too. But.”

Gon paused. Killua stayed silent. He could feel Gon’s eyes digging into his back. It made his neck prickle and his pulse race.

“You’re a logical person, Killua,” Gon finally said. “You analyze stuff really well, that’s why you’re so much better at school than me. So, please, think about what I said. You have the pieces, all that’s left is for you to put them together.”

Killua squeezed his eyes shut. The pieces, huh? What did Killua know that would help him figure this jumbled mess out? Killua breathed out slowly, reliving the night in his mind.

He thought about Gon’s lips, how careful but sure they had felt against his. He thought about Gon’s flushed cheek and its innocent warmth. He thought about Gon’s flying heart under his palm and Gon’s calloused fingers wrapped around his.

He thought about Gon, with his dazzling grins and the adventurous glint in his eyes.

Killua curled his trembling hands over the edge of the mattress, digging his nails into cotton sheets for something to hold onto.

Gon was Killua’s best friend. His sun. His everything. Killua knew Gon better than he knew himself, had memorized Gon’s traits and his quirks as if they were his own.

And he knew this:

Gon wasn’t a liar. Gon believed in a warped sense of justice that even Killua had a hard time fully understanding, but Gon wasn’t unnecessarily cruel and he cared about his friends more than himself. He would never do anything to hurt them. He would never do anything to hurt Killua, especially not by lying.

So that meant…when Gon said that he wanted to kiss Killua, that he felt all of those things when Killua was around…

Gon had been telling the truth.

Killua bowed his head and grounded his teeth together until his jaw ached. His vision blurred and hot tears dripped down onto his legs. They slid off his skin and onto the floor, the wet trails glimmering like silver in the moonlight.

Gon is in love with me, Killua thought and his chest swelled as an overwhelming rush of relief-joy-love swept through him, leaving him shaking.

Gon loved him, just as Killua loved him back. Gon loved him, Gon loved him, Gon loved him-

They loved each other. So, what the hell was Killua waiting for?

Gon stared at Killua’s back, heart twisting.

He had said everything. He had told Killua his feelings without holding anything back. All he could do now was wait. Wait, and hope.

Because if Killua didn’t believe him, Gon didn’t know what he would do. He couldn’t lose Killua. Just picturing his best friend empty of emotion, without a single flicker of fondness in his gaze as he looked at Gon…

It would be unbearable. Seeing Killua like that would kill Gon from the inside out, he was sure of it.

Killua was the most important person in Gon’s life. He would do anything to make Killua happy and healthy. And if that meant he had to confess first, that was fine. So, he did.

Gon swallowed thickly as he remembered their kiss. Killua hadn’t responded and Gon had sort of expected that. The kiss had come out of nowhere from Killua’s point of view but it was something Gon had been planning for a very long time. He’d dreamed about kissing Killua for the past week, had wanted to do it every time he saw Killua’s face. He just really, really hoped Killua understood that now.

Killua slowly lowered his head, shoulders curved inward. His slim, graceful body was outlined by the moonlight coming in from the window; the white light hit his hair at just the perfect angle and made the starlight locks shine in a halo.

Gon’s heart throbbed. It was beautiful and breathtaking. Killua was beautiful, and Gon couldn’t look away.

He had to say something- anything. Killua had been quiet for a while now and the silence was driving Gon crazy. Maybe, if Gon spoke up first, that would help Killua figure out how to explain what he was thinking?

Gon inhaled deeply. “Um,” he began hesitantly. “Killua? Are you-”

Killua twisted around. Gon had a split second to see the tears running down stained-pink cheeks before Killua was crashing into him, knocking the air right out of his chest.

Gon didn’t even have the time to blink. Killua grabbed Gon’s face, smashing their mouths together in a messy but passionate kiss that stole the air right out of Gon’s lungs-

And then everything melted away. Nothing mattered but Killua- Killua’s lips on his, Killua’s cool hands digging into his jaw, Killua’s soft bangs brushing his forehead.

In that moment, Killua was the only real and good thing in the world. And Gon wouldn’t have it any other way.

Killua smiled into the kiss as Gon’s strong arms wrapped around his back, crushing Killua to his chest so tightly he could barely breathe.

Breathing didn’t seem all that important though with Gon’s mouth moving enthusiastically against his own. It was so much better than the first time because now- now Killua could respond with everything he had. Gone was the fear and trepidation; it was just him and Gon and the perfect way their lips met over and over and over again. Killua had no reason to hold back anymore, so he didn’t.

He angled his head, locking his legs around Gon’s hips until he was practically sitting in Gon’s lap, and inhaled deeply through his nose. He could taste Gon’s cinnamon toothpaste and smell the soap from his shower. Gon’s hands were hot and burning where they dug into the curve of Killua’s back, but his freckled cheeks were still soft and smooth under Killua’s fingers.

Killua never wanted it to end. He wanted to lose himself in Gon’s embrace and forget everything except for the feeling of Gon’s mouth on his, and just how good it felt to be wanted by the one person he wanted in return.

It seemed like hours later when he finally pulled back with a gasp. He leaned heavily into Gon, resting their sweaty foreheads together and taking huge gulps of air. The room spun around them and Killua closed his eyes to keep himself from getting too dizzy.

Gon laughed breathlessly against him. His arms were still curled around Killua’s waist as he whispered, “Wow.”

Killua snorted. “Our first kiss, and that’s all you can say? ‘Wow’?” he said, grin so wide his face ached.

“Well, technically, it was our second kiss.”

Killua’s eyes snapped open to find Gon smiling cheekily at him.

“Don’t-” Killua pinched Gon’s cheeks between thumb and forefinger hard enough for it to hurt, “-try to be smart, Gon!”  He felt a savage rush of satisfaction as Gon cried out.

“AH! AH, Killua, ow, I’m sorry!!! I won’t say it again, I promise!”

“Good.” Killua released him. He didn’t give Gon the chance to relax before he was ducking down to recapture Gon’s lips again, and again, and again.

“Ki-Killua,” Gon stuttered out once Killua stopped to catch his breath. His eyes were hooded, skin redder than Killua could ever remember seeing before. And the way he gazed at Killua- a hungry, wanting glimmer in those gold irises- made Killua’s already erratic pulse speed up.

Killua licked his lips and Gon’s eyes darted down to stare at them. There was a sharp thrill in Killua’s stomach and he had to make a conscious effort to stop himself from kissing Gon again. If he did that, they would never get anywhere.

Well. They would get somewhere, alright, but now wasn’t the time or place.

They had time now, he reminded himself as a sense of peace settled over him. They had all the time in the world.

His voice shook slightly as he forced himself to say, “You okay?”

Gon’s arms tightened around him. “More than okay,” he sighed, his chest expanding and contracting against Killua’s. “I’m- Killua. Killua, you kissed me. You kissed me!”

His tone was awed and Killua’s heart soared.

“I did,” he said, face heating up embarrassingly at his words. God, could he get through a single sentence without blushing like a total idiot? “I, uh. I wanted to. And you seemed pretty interested in doing it before, so-”

Gon lurched forward and kissed him, hard. It was over a second later, leaving Killua dazed and mouth tingling.

“I am interested,” Gon said huskily and Killua shivered. “I’m really, really, really interested, Killua. You have no idea how interested I am.”

Killua’s heat stuttered. “Oh, yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Good. Because, well. I-I’m interested, too. You know. In case you were wondering or, or anything.”

Gon leaned back and Killua made a tiny whining sound, mourning the loss of Gon’s forehead pressed against his. His best friend didn’t seem to notice; he just stared at Killua with large eyes and parted lips.

“Killua,” he said. “Do you really mean that?”

“Of- of course!” Killua stammered. “Why the hell would I kiss you if I didn’t want to?!”

Gon visibly swallowed. He removed his hands from Killua’s back, instead sliding them up to gently cup Killua’s jaw. Something deep in Killua’s chest twisted at the wondrous look in Gon’s face, the pure joy and elation he saw there.

Gon really did love him. It was as clear as the sun on a cloudless day and knowing that made Killua feel like he could fly.

“You believe me?” came Gon’s hushed question. “You- you really think I’m telling the truth this time? About everything?”

Killua opened his mouth but no words came out. He couldn’t speak. His throat was tight but not from marigolds trying to suffocate him. And the water welling up in his eyes wasn’t from pain, but from being so stupidly happy that he didn’t know what to do. When the water spilled over and down his cheeks, Gon was the one who rubbed them away with his thumbs.

“Shhh, Killua. It’s okay, you’re okay. I love you-”

He pressed his lips tenderly to Killua’s forehead. “I love you-”

Then to the tip of Killua’s nose. “I love you-”

And, finally, he kissed Killua on the mouth.

“I love you,” he murmured against Killua’s lips and Killua made a sound caught half-way between a huff and a sob.

“You’re so ridiculous,” Killua choked out, wrapping his arms firmly around Gon’s neck and holding on tight. He wasn’t planning to let go of Gon for a very, very long time.

“You love me anyway!”

Killua blinked. Then he threw back his head and laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed until he couldn’t breathe and his sides burned.

“Killua?!”

“I do!” Killua gasped out. “Gon, I-! I do love you! I love you so, so, so much. You have no clue how much I love you! You’re- you’re everything to me. That’s why I have Hanahaki, because I care about you so much that my feelings for you can’t be contained.”

He lowered his gaze to meet Gon’s stunned one. “Gon,” he said and his voice trembled with the weight of his emotion. He poured every ounce of love and adoration he could into his next words, knowing that this was the single most important thing he had ever said in his entire life-

“I love you with everything I have, Gon. For me, there’s only ever been you. There’s no one else out there for me. Only you.”

Freckled cheeks darkened. Gon made a choking sound in the back of his throat and then suddenly Killua was being crushed to his best friend’s broad, muscular chest. Gon shoved his face into the dip between Killua’s neck and shoulder and his arms were wound so tightly around Killua that he couldn’t move.

“You can’t say stuff like that, Killua,” Gon said hoarsely into Killua’s skin. “How’m I supposed to top that?”

Killua laid his head against Gon’s brown spikes, letting his eyes flutter shut. He tried to memorize the feel of Gon’s strong arms surrounding him and the rapid beating of Gon’s heart that matched his own.

“Just keep holding me like this,” he murmured. “That alone is more than enough.”

Gon nuzzled his neck. “That’s fine with me. I…I was scared, earlier. I was worried that you weren’t gonna believe me.”

Killua’s blood ran cold. What would’ve happened if he had rejected Gon entirely? Would he have left Gon’s house to walk home alone? Would he have suffocated before even leaving the room?

Killua didn’t want to think about it. What could’ve happened didn’t matter, anyway. He chose Gon, so it was pointless worrying about anything else. He was with Gon now, and that was that.

He stopped breathing, eyes flying open wide.

“Killua?” Gon lifted his head, brows pulled together anxiously. His fingers dug into Killua waist as he asked urgently, “What’s wrong? You’re not- the flower isn’t-”

“No!” he rushed to say. “God, no, the flower hasn’t done anything. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

Killua smiled gently, his entire face softening as he swept his gaze over the person he loved more than anything. “I’m just really, really glad, Gon. I’m- I’m happy. I never thought this would happen in a million years. I never thought I could be this lucky. I feel like I’m in a dream and I never want to wake up.”

Gon’s answering grin was dazzling. “It’s a good thing you’re not in a dream, then. I mean, we’re- we’re finally together, Killua. How incredible is that?!”

“The most incredible thing ever,” Killua agreed with a slight laugh.

“Hey, Killua, does that mean you’ll be my boyfriend? And I can be yours?”

Killua couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that, even as his face burned. “Obviously.”

“Wow,” Gon said again. He was slack-jawed in wonder. “You’re my boyfriend…wow…”

“Why do you have to say it like that?” Killua groaned. He ducked his head to hide his blush. It didn’t do him much good- he could tell even his ears were scarlet at this point- but he could at least try.

“Because! You’re amazing, so the fact that I get to date you is amazing!”

Killua squawked, “Sh-shut up, that’s embarrassing!”

But Gon merely giggled. He hugged Killua tightly again, apparently content to just hold Killua in his lap like they had been since Killua kissed him. Killua raised his hand to card his fingers through Gon’s hair and inhaled deeply to steady himself.

He could do this now. He had been so terrified of just touching Gon before, but now…now he could do everything he ever wanted. Now that he knew Gon returned his feelings, there was nothing that could stop Killua from loving Gon back.

He paused though at Gon’s quiet question, “What happens to your flower?”

“Uh.” Killua made a face as he thought back to the first time he researched Hanahaki. “From what I remember, it kind of just…withers away and dies on its own.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. Hanahaki feeds on unrequited love. Once that love is returned-”

“It can’t survive,” Gon finished, understanding filtering into his voice.

“Exactly. And once the flower shows signs of dying, no one can legally remove it.”

Gon stiffened. He pulled back just enough for Killua to see his expression and Killua’s heart leaped at the surge hope-happiness-excitement in Gon’s beautiful face.

“Illumi can’t perform the surgery!” Gon exclaimed. “Even if the flower’s not fully gone, there’s nothing he can do about it! Killua, you’re not going to lose your ability to love! We can stay together, forever!”

Killua laughed freely, cheeks sore from how hard he was smiling. “I know. Gon, I know.”

Gon’s eyes turned glossy. Wordlessly, he leaned forward and Killua met him halfway.

Their lips moved together in a simple but beautiful harmony. Gon’s body fit just right against Killua’s and the little sighing noises that escaped his mouth between their kisses made Killua’s heart soar.

Killua dug his fingers into Gon’s shoulder blades and arched into the other teen’s touch. He kissed Gon deeply, trying to convey all of his feelings into the simple action- all of his overwhelming happiness and infinite adoration for the boy in his arms. He nearly cried in joy when Gon responded with just as much passion and love.

The marigolds in Killua’s chest stayed dormant for the rest of the night. When he breathed, he did so without coughing up bloodstained petals or choking on his own sorrow. He breathed in Gon’s love, absorbing his affection and the way they fit each other so perfectly in every single way- in body and mind and soul.

Finally, Killua was free.

Kilig (Tagalog) - the heady-sublime rush you experience right after something good happens, particularly in love/dating. Like running into your crush, kissing someone for the first time, hearing someone you love tell you they love you too for the first time.

Chapter Text

Gon jiggled his leg as he leaned against the cement wall. It was a nice day outside- one of those super nice afternoons with endless blue skies and the warm, early summer air filled with the sound of birds chirping. It was Gon’s favorite kind of day.

But he couldn’t care less about things like the weather or the birds or the sun while he was waiting outside the hospital. He felt like he’d been here forever, his jittery anticipation making him jolt every time the hospital front doors slid open. But the clock on his cell phone proved that he’d only arrived an hour ago even after checking it for the millionth time. And as much as he hated it, Gon knew he would wait forever as long as he could be there when Killua’s appointment with his brother was finally over.

Killua had told him not to come at first.

“I don’t know how long it’s going to take,” he had warned. “You’ll be bored just waiting around for me with nothing to do. Plus, it’s a school day. Won’t your aunt get mad at you for skipping?”

Gon shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. I want to be there for you, Killua. So, I will.”

Killua had flushed at that, a pretty pink blossoming across pale cheeks. The small smile that tugged at his lips told Gon that Killua was secretly happy, even if Killua would never admit it out loud. Killua was still shy when it came to stuff like that. After all, it had taken him years just to confess his feelings for Gon. And that was only after Gon had already confessed and Killua himself was on the brink of death from his Hanahaki.

Gon’s mind immediately flashed back to the horrible memory of Killua choking on marigolds last Saturday night: skin ashen, bulging blue eyes while his mouth opened and closed like a fish, desperate for oxygen that was blocked by petals of harsh reds and blinding yellows.

No.

Gon’s nails dug into his palms. He slowly exhaled and waited for the painful twist of his heart to lessen.

Killua was okay. He hadn’t died, he was fine and breathing and alive. He hadn’t gotten anywhere close to suffocation in the past few days; the only petals Killua had coughed up since their first kiss were withered and dry, nearly brown in color.

He and Gon hadn’t even done much in the past few days since their emotional confessions to make the flower shrivel up so fast. The biggest thing had been when Gon took Killua to the beach Sunday night; they had walked the boardwalk hand in hand, watching the sunset while eating ice cream. Killua’s lips tasted like chocolate chips and his fingers were sticky in the cooling air, but that was all fine and good and amazing because it was Killua.

Being with Killua like that made Gon feel like the luckiest person alive. And he knew his best friend felt the same because the marigolds in Killua’s throat were finally, finally dying. And that could only mean Killua believed Gon’s love and he loved Gon in return.

A giddy feeling bubbled up inside Gon’s chest. His face warmed and he grinned stupidly at his sneakers.

Killua loved him. Hearing that for the first time from Killua’s mouth had caused such an overwhelming rush of happiness through him that Gon had nearly cried. Even now, days later, knowing that Killua loved him made Gon want to jump for joy and yell from the top of his lungs.

It felt like a dream, dating Killua. And Gon never wanted it to end. Just looking at Killua, having the freedom and permission to reach over and press his lips to Killua’s cheek, interlock their fingers and hug the thin teen to his chest just because he could…it was better than Gon ever imagined. Gon felt like he was drunk on happiness, high on life, and it was all because of Killua.

Being in a relationship was new to both of them, but caring for each other and being best friends wasn’t. They were still Gon and Killua like they had always been, there was just more to their relationship now. Most of the changes had felt natural and easy; other details they were still working on. But they had time to figure everything out and Gon wasn’t worried about how long it would take.

The single, most important thing about the new development between them was that he and Killua were learning to love together. They were awkward and shy and hesitant, but they were finally talking everything out, growing closer through their struggles instead of running away from them and hurting each other in the process.

He and Killua were breathing instead of suffocating now, living instead of dying. They were facing the future hand in hand and Gon knew nothing would separate them after the hell they’d been through in the past couple of months.

And as long as that was true, he and Killua could do just about anything.

BANG!

Gon’s head snapped up, heart jumping into his throat.

And there was Killua, shoes pounding on the walkway as he sprinted through the hospital doors. His open jacket whipped around his waist and there was a wild look in his bright blue eyes that made Gon’s pulse start to race.

Gon leaped off the cement wall just in time for Killua to slam straight into his chest.

The air left his lungs at the impact and he stumbled back a step to keep them from falling over. He inhaled sharply even as Killua’s arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He could feel Killua’s torso heaving against his, the way he clung so close to Gon that their bodies lined up perfectly from head to toe.

He could even feel the lightning-quick pace of Killua’s heartbeat. Was that a good thing, or bad?

“Killua?” Gon asked, breathless. “Killua, are you okay? What happen-”

Cool lips shoved against his before he could finish his question. Killua’s mouth was eager, insistent. He didn’t give Gon even a second to recover from the sudden kiss; he just pressed himself harder into Gon’s body like he wanted to melt into him and never, ever separate. By the time Killua pulled back nearly a minute later, Gon’s head was dizzy from lack of oxygen and blood roared in his ears.

Not that he was complaining or anything. He would choose Killua kissing the life out of him over air any day.

When Gon slowly blinked his eyes open, the only thing he saw was the stunning blue of Killua’s eyes. They shimmered and glowed with an inner light that filled Gon with a weightless warmth.

Gon stammered out, “I’m- I’m taking that as a good sign?”

Killua threw back his head and laughed. It sounded like bells and chimes and-

“You should, Gon!” The smile he gave Gon was dazzling, stunning in the way it radiated pure joy. “Gon, Illumi, he- he examined me and looked at the flower and! And it’s almost gone.”

Gon’s jaw dropped. “You mean- it’s dead? The marigolds aren’t growing anymore?”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! They even brought in a second doctor for another opinion- Leorio, something- and he said that they’ll be completely out of my body within another week! And there’s no way they can perform the surgery with those results!”

Gon’s heart swelled until it felt like it was going to burst. He grabbed Killua around his middle, picking the thinner teen up effortlessly, and spun him around in a circle. His cheeks hurt with how wide he was smiling but he couldn’t care less about that when the love of his life was laughing in his arms, beaming down at Gon through the happy tears building up his eyes.

“Killua!” Gon yelled ecstatically, because Killua’s name was the only thing he could think of right now. “Killua, Killua, Killua!”

His best friend choked out, “Gon.”

“Killua!”

“Gon.”

“Killua-”

Elegant fingers grasped his face and then Killua was kissing him again, mouth sweet and soft and perfect. Killua had the height advantage but Gon kissed back as he best he could without dropping his boyfriend. Their noses bumped against each other and their teeth clacked but Gon had never tasted anything better than Killua’s laughter on his tongue. It was addicting to have Killua so close like this, to have their shared happiness buzzing in the air around them and Gon wished they could stay like this forever.

And now, after hearing that news, they could.

He slowed to a stop before gently lowering Killua back to the ground. Killua’s nails dug into the muscles on his back, refusing to let Gon move even an inch away. For a while they just tried to catch their breath while staring into each other’s eyes.

Killua’s eyes really were the prettiest Gon had ever seen- gracefully curved and piercing in their intensity. But whenever Killua looked at Gon, they shifted and melded into something too gentle to put into words. There was a depth in them, too; sometimes Gon thought he could lose himself in Killua’s endless blue gaze and never come back to himself.

Killua’s eyes were beautiful, breathtaking, just like everything else about him. And nothing made Gon happier than having that glimmering blue focused entirely on him like they were now.

“I figured it out,” Gon murmured finally, after a few moments had passed.

Killua raised an eyebrow. “Figured what out, exactly?”

“I figured out why I love you!”

Shock flitted across Killua’s expression, chasing away the previous tenderness. “Wh-what?! What the hell does that mean?!”

“I mean-” Gon giggled at the indignant look on his boyfriend’s face and squished Killua even closer to his chest to keep him from squirming away. “I mean, Killua, I’m happy when I’m with you!”

Killua’s cheeks darkened. “I, uh. I would hope so? I- I mean, ugh.” He hid behind his hands with a drawn-out groan. “Damnit, Gon. Why do you always have to be so embarrassing?”

“It’s only embarrassing because you think so, Killua!” Gon nuzzled his forehead to Killua’s warmer one. Killua’s bangs were silky where they brushed his skin. “And you don’t have to say anything! I just mean that I’m happiest when I’m with you. No one else makes me laugh or smile as much as you do. You make living more fun. Just having you by my side makes me feel lighter, somehow!”

“So that’s why I fell in love with you: because you make me happier than anyone else in the world! No one else can do that, only you.”

Killua’s ears were turning bright red by now. Gon could hear his heavy breathing behind his fingers, feel the warmth radiating off his skin at their proximity.

“You’re ridiculous,” he whispered but Gon could hear the smile through his tone alone.

“That’s okay! As long as you still want to go out with me, I’m fine with that.”

Killua sputtered. “Of course I do, stupid! I have fun with you too, you know!”

Gon paused, absorbing Killua’s words and enjoying the way his heart sped up at their meaning. He loved it when Killua was honest like that. Still, he couldn’t help from teasing him just a little bit-

“You have fun with me, huh?” he asked suggestively and his grin grew at the way Killua’s breath hitched. “Are you just saying that, or is it a promise for the future? Hmmm?”

“You!” Killua punched Gon in the shoulder. Hard. “Shut up!!! We were having a nice moment- why did you have to go and say that and make everything weird?!”

“Ah, ow- because, you’re fun to tease!”

Killua scowled. “If you keep it up, you can go find someone else to date because I’m not gonna-”

“Nooooo, Killua!” Gon dragged Killua back before he could take two steps away. “I’m sorry! You’re just so cute when you get all flustered like that!”

Killua begrudgingly looked back at Gon. Gon was gentle when he reached up to hold Killua’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs lightly over scarlet-stained cheeks. A few strands of Killua’s starlight hair had fallen into his eyes and Gon carefully brushed them out of the way before replacing his hands on Killua’s jaw.

Even just doing something like that made him happier than he had been in a long time. Killua made him feel…right, somehow. Whole, complete. He couldn’t fully describe the impact Killua had on him because loving Killua wasn’t something that could be captured in words. But he knew that without Killua, the world was a much colder place. And that wasn’t a world he was interested in.

“Please, stay with me?” he asked. “Your flower is gone, so, will you stay with me?”

Killua huffed and his skin warmed under Gon’s palms. “You don’t have to ask me that. You already know the answer.”

“Mmm, yeah, I guess. But it’s still nice to hear.”

He smiled cheekily and let go as Killua slumped into his chest.

“You’re so difficult,” he grumbled into Gon’s collarbone. “Yes, I’ll stay with you. As if I would ever say anything else after everything we’ve been through. I’m with you for as long as you’ll have me, Gon.”

Gon’s heart flipped. “So, forever then?”

Killua stiffened. “What?”

“You said you’ll be with me for as long as I want you. And I want you forever.”

“You- you can’t just assume something like that!” Killua squeaked.

“I’m not assuming! I just know what I want, Killua.” He wound his arms around Killua’s waist, silently loving the way Killua melted into his embrace. This, having Killua surrender to his touch and return it in even the subtlest of ways, was something Gon knew he would never get tired of.

He sighed happily and nuzzled his face into Killua’s hair. He said honestly, “I want you. Now and forever. Nothing’s ever going to change that.”

Killua let out a long, shuddering breath. “Let’s just take it one day at a time for now, okay? I mean, I just learned that I’m not dying from Hanahaki. I’m going to need to process that for a bit.”

“M’kay. I’m fine with whatever you want.” He paused and a thought occurred to him. “Hey, Killua?”

“Hm?” Killua hummed into his skin and Gon just held back a shudder; that had felt so nice, he almost lost his train of thought.

“…what made you believe me?” he asked. “When I said I loved you on Saturday? I’m just curious.”

Killua was quiet. When he leaned back, it was to look at Gon with eyes that shined like stars in the golden light of the summer sun.

“It’s not that I believed you, exactly,” Killua said slowly. “It’s kind of hard to explain, but I believed in you. I believed in your words, in your actions- everything leading up to that moment on Saturday night fit. And it’s then that I realized…”

He took a deep breath. Then Killua smiled, eyes crinkling up at the ends, and said sincerely:

“I believe in us, Gon. I wanted there could be a you and me for so long that it stopped me from seeing what was right in front of me. And after everything you said that night, I finally understood: we had been together all along, and I was just too blind to see it. Your words healed me, Gon. And I will always love you for that.”

Gon’s eyes burned and his throat tightened. Killua was gazing at him as if Gon was his everything and Gon’s heart lurched at the clear, unabashed love he saw there. Every part of Gon’s body ached with the need to be with his best friend, the person he loved more than anything in the entire world, the person who loved him back with just as much adoration as Gon had for him.

He cupped Killua’s face and kissed him. He kissed Killua like it was the first time, like it was the last time, like kissing Killua meant he could save him from himself, even though it already had.

He kissed Killua, and Killua came to life under his touch.

“‘I believe in you.’ Words that water flowers.”

-Michael Faudet