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Chapter Text

Thor laughed loudly from where he stood looking out the window at the Asgardian sunset. Behind him, his friends Sif and the other warriors were reading aloud to each other from an old journal recording the adventures of ancient Aesir explorers to the land of Jotunheim.

“Do you find something comical, my lord?” Sif asked, confused by Thor's reaction.

“Comical? Yes. That foolishness you read. It is fairy tales for children. Pshh. Purring Jotuns....”

Sif and the warriors exchanged baffled glances before she went on, “But it is true, Thor. You of all people should know-”

“Yes! Me of all people should know. As you are all aware, my brother is of Jotnar heritage and has never once in his life been heard to be purring like some kind of tender kitten. What a jest!” Thor scoffed.

“But, my lord,” Fandral stuttered slightly, searching for polite words, “I myself have often heard your brother purr, here in this chamber, when he is particularly content and peaceful, usually enjoying his books and scrolls, warming his feet by the fire.”

Thor's smile melted away as he walked to where his friends were seated and pointed his finger at Fandral threateningly. “Stop this! I have told you before, Aesir or not, my brother is a prince and I will not listen to you mocking him with such-”

“But Thor-” Sif broke in, coming to Fandral's defense as she watched Thor's anger rising with every word he spoke, “Fandral is only speaking the truth. I as well have witnessed your brother purring on this very couch.” She said.

Thor's features softened as he turned to Hogun. “Is this true?” He asked.

“It is, my Lord. The fire, his books, and sweets. It's loudest when he is eating sweets.” Hogun answered apologetically, turning his eyes to the floor.

“I too have witnessed it, but never with sweets... Why have I not seen Loki with these sweets?” Volstagg asked, as if he had been cheated.

“I find it hard to believe that I, who have lived all my days with him, should be the only one of us to never had heard my brother purring. How can this be?” Thor said, disbelief and hurt mixing in with the anger of his tone.

Volstagg, who just happened to be the one Thor was looking at when he spoke, replied without thinking, “Well, if Jotuns purr when they're pleased, then maybe it is because Loki is never pleased in you presence?”

After shooting Volstagg a lethal glance accompanied by a low growl, Thor turned and left the room.

********************

 

Loki spent the evening in his usual manner studying in the library. Although being joined by his brother was truly singular, it was not his presence that was distracting as much as his odd behavior. After an hour of Thor sitting in a chair beside him and eying him with expectation and suspicion, he finally spoke.

“Loki?”

“Yes, Thor?” Loki asked without looking up from the book in his lap. He was somewhat relieved Thor was finally getting around to discussing whatever it was that had brought him to the library, since reading was not exactly a typical pastime for Thor.

“Are you... pleased?” He asked.

“Am I what? Pleased?” Loki repeated, doing his best not seem too disgusted. He couldn't help wondering what kind of abysmal stupidity needed an hour to come up with such a simple question.

“Yes. Right now? Are you pleased? Here? In my company?” Thor clarified.

Ah, Loki thought, now he understood. Thor had either suffered rejection from some maiden or he had been beaten on the training grounds that morning. Probably by Sif. Either way, Thor was looking for some kind of assurance of his personal worth, and Loki lamented the bad luck that had brought his brother to him for it.

“Yes Thor. Of course. I am always happy to have you in my company.” Loki lied, giving Thor a terse smile before returning to his book, hoping his unwanted companion would wander away in a few moments and leave him in peace.

Thor remained in his armchair a while longer, his noisome sighs grating on Loki's ears as his eyes drifted around the room, always coming to rest back on Loki. He seemed to be waiting for something, but Loki could not guess what. Finally he rose from his chair, and Loki waited with breathless impatience to hear the sound of the library door that would signal Thor's departure.

But it seemed Loki's luck would not improve.

Instead of leaving, Thor's body collapsed beside him on his small couch. He then laced his fingers and draped his arms over the back of the couch so that he could face Loki while he went on with the atrocious sighing.

Loki had been wrong, he thought, this was all some kind of childish game aimed at making him lose his temper, and though he did feel himself getting close to an outburst, he resolved to just ignore Thor until he gave up and went away. Loki knew that if he started an argument that turned into a fight, Thor would easily be able to hold him down and do some awful thing to him, and later say that it was Loki that had started the whole thing.

Then Loki realized this was impossible: such a malicious game required an amount of forethought Thor was not capable of.

Taking a chance, Loki stole a glance at Thor's face when he was looking away, wanting to see what he could read in it. He was facing the cold hearth across the room, and he was clearly deep in contemplation. Loki lowered his eyes again as he saw Thor was about to turn back to him.

“Perhaps a fire, maybe?” Thor asked cheerfully, as if he was answering a question no one had asked him. “That is what you need, brother. A fire to warm you and soothe your nerves and aid your study. Would you have one? I shall gladly build it for you.” Thor offered.

“No. Thank you Thor but I find the environment perfectly temperate.” Loki answered with another terse smile, this one more strained than the first.

“You don't want a fire? It is no problem brother, I promise. I would be happy to do it.”

Loki had no need of a fire but realized that this was an opportunity to give Thor something to do besides staring at him, so he conceded.

“All right.” Loki said. “Go ahead, let's have a fire.”

And it was lovely indeed, Loki had to admit to himself. Within minutes a great blazing fire filled the room with the most exquisite dancing shadows and the gentle crackling was as soothing as one of their mother's lullabies. Loki credited himself for putting one of his brother's few talents to good use.

Thor sat proudly with his back to the fire once it was lit, again gazing at his brother, studying him as intently as Loki studied the book in his lap. Finally he got up and rejoined his brother on the couch. There, the staring resumed, but now Thor watched with a more eager expectation.

“Now you are pleased, yes?” Thor asked.

“Yes, Thor. It is delightful, thank you.” Loki answered with genuine appreciation.

Minutes passed, and the confidence drained from Thor's face. He eyes began darting around the room again, and Loki could practically hear the cogs in Thor's head turning, though he still wasn't sure what aim his brother was applying them to.

Then Thor spoke, “Perhaps you would like me to fetch you a cup of mead?”

“No, thank you.” Loki spoke, keeping his eyes on his book.

“Maybe you're hungry? Some fruit, or some other refreshment? Sweeties?”

“No, Thor. I want nothing.” Loki answered, his irritation becoming difficult to mask. Why couldn't Thor ask all of his idiotic questions at once, instead of spacing them out every five or ten minutes, right when his concentration had been painstakingly re-established from the last interruption? “Do you even know where the kitchen is? How do you expect to fetch me sweeties when you don't even know where such things are kept?”

“I could seek it out.” Thor said before realizing that Loki was right; it might take hours for him to locate the food storage. But then another idea came to him. “I could ring for the page-boy. He knows where to find refreshment!” Thor, proud his quick problem-solving, began rising from the couch before he even received a response from Loki.

“No!” Loki shouted with shrill desperation. “This library is already crowded enough so that I can barely think. Don't call your wretched boy in here to fill the room with more disturbance!”

Thor was frozen, looking down at Loki with a face full of bewilderment and pain. Loki sighed. Since childhood he had felt that he was afflicted with an invisible string that connected his heart to Thor's, so that his brother's emotional pain, no matter how pathetic or trite it seemed to his mind, was felt by Loki with equal force. In his selfishness, Loki had never guessed that Thor experienced the same thing.

“Thor, I'm sorry.” Loki said softly, “But can't you see I'm working? I want nothing but peace and quiet. Please.”

“You wish me to leave? Will that bring you contentment?” Thor asked accusingly.

“No remain, if you wish,” Loki gestured to empty space on the couch , “it is your library as much as it is mine.”

Thor sat down again and gazed into the fire, obviously pouting. Now Loki's own guilt over hurting his brother's feelings was more distracting than anything he had experienced so far that night. He tried to make amends.

“The fire really is very delightful, Thor.” Loki said, knowing a compliment would probably do the trick

“Truly?” Thor asked, instantly perking up.

“Truly. It was a wonderful idea, and it is a much better fire than I could build even if I spent hours working at it.”

Pride lit up Thor's face as he said, “Then you are content with it?”

“Yes, very.” Loki smiled and returned to his book, seeing that his brother was back in normal spirits.

Thor watched Loki for a moment and then asked, “But not too content?”

“Well, I guess I'm not leaping for joy, but such wouldn't be the appropriate mental state for study, now would it?” Loki answered, trying to tone down the sarcasm in his voice that he sometimes found impossible to control.

Thor accepted his brother's response with disappointment, sinking down into the couch and creasing his eyebrows, again deep in thought. Loki turned another page of his book, hoping the silence would last at least a few minutes.

Suddenly Thor rose and began digging around in a closet in the corner of the library. He brought out an old footstool and placed it by the fire after dusting it off. As Thor moved around the library rearranging a few other pieces of furniture, clearly with a plan in his mind, Loki tried to ignore him and remain focused on the page in front of him. That became impossible when he felt his side of the couch being lifted off the ground.

“Thor! What do you think you're doing!” Loki shouted at him.

“I am moving you towards this footstool so that you can raise your feet and warm them by the fire.” Thor said innocently, still holding one side of the couch and his brother in the air as if they weighed nothing.

“Do you not think it appropriate to ask a person before you pick them up and drag them wherever you please like some kind of doll?”

“I thought you had had enough of hearing me speak,” Thor answered, “and I wanted to make you more comfortable without further disturbing you.”

After Loki was pulled forward and plunked down in front of the footstool, Thor kneeled down and gingerly placed Loki's feet upon it. Then, to Loki's further shock, Thor proceeded to remove his boots, all the time grinning happily as if this task was a special privilege. Loki could not find the words or even the will to stop him, so baffled was he by Thor's strange behavior. When Thor had finished and set Loki's boots neatly next to the couch he remained seated cross-legged on the floor by the footstool, his face again full of that confounded expectation. Loki could not help but worry that if anyone should come into the library, it would be assumed that Loki had used some cruel enchantment to humiliate his brother.

“Tell me,” Loki said sharply, “have I fallen to sleep in the library, and all this is some kind of wild fever dream, or is there something you wish to gain from me? If the former, please slap me back to my senses. If the latter, then please come out with your request and save us both from this embarrassing charade!”

Thor only frowned in response so Loki continued. “What is it? A love spell? Is there some maiden not falling fast enough for your advances? Do you need an invincibility enchantment for an upcoming contest? Or maybe you just wish to take another holiday in Midgard without Heimdall knowing and telling father...”

“I want nothing but to please you, brother.” Thor replied simply.

Loki resigned himself to the madness of the situation, wondering if it was perhaps Sif who had began practicing enchantments and had caused this all for her own amusement. Maybe something had gone awry during her incantations and Thor was supposed to be building fires and fetching sweeties for her. Loki looked at his brother, pondering what his problem could be. His brother looked exactly like a scolded puppy, sitting cross-legged on the floor beside the footstool and wearing a wounded look on his face. The sight was so pitiful he had to look away, and turned his eyes back to his book even though he doubted any significant work would be accomplished tonight.

A few moments of silence passed, and both brothers were returned to their normal spirits again by the tranquil crackling of the flames. Then Thor took a great breath, and with much chagrin Loki braced himself for what he knew would be yet another interruption.

“You know, Loki,” Thor began as he wiggled his fingers in front of him, “I have been told by many maidens that I have very talented hands, and I could-”

“Thor, please,” Loki cut in, lifting his hand in front of his face as if to shield himself from Thor's words, “I don't want to hear where this is going...”

“Ha! Loki, you are a jokester!” Thor said, laughing and lightly shaking Loki's leg,“I am speaking of the art of massage! I have never massaged the feet of another man, but your feet,” and here Thor began to lift one of Loki's bare feet off the footstool and inspect it, turning it this way and that, “ they are quite delicate. Even attractive. It would not offend my sensibilities to bestow this favor on you. Please? I promise you will like it.”

At first the prospect of having his feet manhandled by Thor seemed nothing less than nightmarish. But then, he had never had a foot rub before and Thor didn't usually boast about abilities he was not confident he possessed. And finally, Loki considered how delicious the spectacle of watching Asgard's heir apparent rubbing his feet like a servant would be and decided it was something he really oughtn't pass up. And anyway, saying no would probably cause Thor to mope.

“Oh, all right Thor,” Loki answered with the tone of a generous master, “if you really must. Go ahead.”

Thor was beaming as he came to a kneeling position and took his brother's feet in his hands, hopeful that this would be the pleasure that would finally help him attain the goal of hearing his brother purr. He hadn't counted on tonight's conquest being so difficult, and he had almost come to the end of his rope, Volstagg's words echoing in his mind as he worried that they might be true: that it was he, Thor, his physical presence, that kept Loki from being truly happy. He had thought of everything his friends had mentioned that made Loki happy-books, he was surrounded by already, and then Thor had provided a fire, a footstool, even offered Loki his favorite refreshments, and Loki had only seemed more perturbed after every failed attempt. Maybe if he gave Loki a new pleasure it would finally win him over. This was Thor's last chance, and he engaged himself with more care than he would apply to the feet of even the prettiest court maidens.

Loki found the first few moments as awkward as he had feared they would be. The intensity of Thor's expression alone would be enough to make anyone laugh, so Loki had to hide his face behind his book. Beyond that, Thor's rough hands squeezed his feet in ways that were somewhat painful and his more tender ministrations were disturbingly sensual. Eventually, though, Loki managed to relax into it and found that it was quite enjoyable. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before; pleasant and almost mesmerizing at the same time. A few times he felt his leg twitching involuntarily, and peeked over the edge to see if Thor had noticed-he hadn't. As it went on, the experience was so blissful, in fact, that he soon found it impossible to read the words in front of his face. He soon was completely bewitched: every movement of his brother's hands, everywhere he pressed, pulled, and squeezed was felt by Loki through every part of his body, up his spine and tingling the back of his scalp. His eyelids felt heavy, his breathing started to become heavy and rhythmic, his muscles relaxed and he fell into a deep, soothing, emptiness. Then, as usually happened to him in times of overwhelming contentment, he felt a familiar vibrating warmth building up in his chest as he began to-

No! Not now, not here, not in front of him, Loki thought, as he opened his eyes and sat up in an instant. That had been close.

“What? Did I hurt you!” Thor asked in a high, concerned voice.

“What? No.” Loki answered, flustered as he slammed the book closed in his lap and dropped on the ground, “I'm just-I'm done with all this.” Loki pulled his feet away from Thor and pushed the stool away from him so that he could put his boots on.

Thor, not moving, even still holding his empty hands in the air where Loki's feet had been, shouted plaintively, “What did I do?”

“Nothing, it's just,” Loki sighed, and bent over to whisper to him, “It's shameful! You on the floor like some kind of slave. It's a disgrace to your position. What if someone should see you-”

“I will decide what is a disgrace to my position!” Thor said heatedly, but realized it was no use. He had failed again, and again also what had meant to please Loki had only made him more upset.

Loki rose from the couch and replaced his book on the shelf.

“Where are you going?” Thor demanded.

“To bed. It is late. Good night Thor. Thank you for the fire, and the pleasant company, and... everything else...” Loki said, and saw that his brother looked more miserable than ever. He hated leaving him like this, but really did not even want to imagine what he would be subjected to next if he stayed. Thor said nothing and Loki left to retire to his rooms, almost three hours earlier than he usually did.

Left alone to stare into the flames, Thor's thoughts fell into misery and self-deprecation. It was clear to him now that Loki hated him, pure and simple. And what was worse, it seemed he felt obliged to tolerate Thor as best he could, without any appreciation for his efforts. And that was why Thor hadn't understood until now. Loki could never be happy around Thor, like he could around everyone else, purring away without a care in the world. And why? Was it because he was so stupid and cruel, so simple and dull? Of course. Thor thought of all the fights and disagreements him and Loki had ever had since childhood, and now it seemed to him that every one of them had been his fault entirely.

His head filled itself with vivid memories of holding Loki down and punching him, breaking his things, and calling him vicious names in front of Thor's friends while Loki played or read by himself. As he became overwhelmed with grief for his brother's lost love, he lay his head down onto the footstool and gave himself over to weeping.

Chapter Text

In his room, Loki tucked into himself into bed and took a volume from his bedside table, trying to keep his mind off of Thor, and what possibly could be the reason for his bizarre behavior. There must be something Thor wanted, something that he wouldn't explain to Loki. Whatever it was, Loki hoped Thor would drown himself in mead and allow the entire episode in the library to be forgotten by morning. Satisfied that Thor was probably doing exactly that, Loki turned to his book and began reading. Just then there was a knock at his door.

There was no doubt in Loki's mind who the visitor was. Loki tossed his book beside him on the bed and then tore the sheet off roughly. Realizing he was in an agitated state, he tried to calm himself with a few deep breaths as he walked to the door and then opened it.

“What do you want now, Thor?” He asked gently before his eyes even adjusted to the darkness of the hallway.

Thor stood there, dumbstruck, as if Loki was not supposed to guess it was him. He could now see Thor standing speechless in the hall with his mouth hanging open, and after a few moments he lost his temper despite himself.

“What is it?” Loki repeated sharply.

“I wanted to speak with you, brother.” Thor answered softly, his voice cracking.

“Well, go on.” Loki said, crossing his arms in the open slit of the doorway.

“May I enter?” Thor gestured inside the chamber as he spoke, and Loki found himself appreciating the touch of irritation in Thor's voice.

Loki moved aside and Thor walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. Presumptuous, Loki thought, and just like Thor to treat everything like it belonged to him.

“Well, what is it you want to discuss?” Loki said, seating himself in an armchair across from Thor.

Thor sat for a while hunched over dramatically with his face in his hands before speaking. “I want to say that I'm sorry. For everything.” He finally sat up and Loki saw his face for the first time since he had entered the room, which was red and swollen. “I've been a terrible brother to you, and I have earned your hatred.”

“Thor, have you been weeping?” Loki asked, ignoring what his brother said.

“Loki, do you hear my words? I am seeking your forgiveness for the years of torment I have caused you to have to endure!”

“Yes, I hear your words, Thor, but it is an enigma to me as to why I'm hearing them. I believe you are either under an enchantment or a manipulation, or else there is something you have learned or you have learned that you are not telling me. And until you do, I refuse to go on playing this charade with you. So spit out or go find somewhere else to continue your sobbing!” Loki ranted, slowly leaning forward in his chair as he did so.

“Today...I....” Thor stammered incoherently over a few words before finally starting down a rambling but at least sensible path, “I learned, or was told, today, that the Jotun people, the people of that land, which you are,” Here Thor noticed Loki raising an eyebrow at him, as if warning him to tread lightly, “well, you are of Asgard in every sense of the word, Loki, but of course-”

“Please get to the point! What have you heard about the Jotuns?”

“That...they...purr?” Thor asked so softly it was inaudible, as if he was ashamed to say it.

“That they what?”

“Purr.” Thor repeated, and now it sounded so ridiculous that he doubted its truth. After all, he had never looked into the book himself...

Loki leaned back in his chair, face blank, and began drumming his fingertips on the arms of his chair. So this is what all the trouble had been about, he thought. Thor had wanted to hear him purr.

“Who told you this?”

“It was...in a book.” Thor replied, unsure.

“Hmmm. Those Aesir travel journals, I suspect. Though it's hard for me to imagine you perusing those ancient volumes that even I find tedious, I guess even the mighty Thor gets bored sometimes. Well, what of it?” Loki asked.

“Well, is it true?”

“Of course it's true. Didn't they teach you that in your studies of foreign biology, or weren't you paying attention?”

“Then why have I never experienced this in your presence?” Thor asked.

Loki, saying nothing in response, shrugged his shoulders.

Thor, angered by his brother's flippant response to a problem so important to him, then demanded forcefully, “I want to know why each of the warriors and Sif have all experienced your purring several times but I have not even once!”

“I would appreciate if you and your friends would leave the workings of my body out of your conversations!” Loki said, standing up and raising his voice to match Thor's.

“I was only defending you when they read it out of a book! And I looked like a fool, denying this part of your physiology because I had never known it. Why Loki? Why do you prefer their company to that of your own brother?” Thor said, tearing up again.

“I don't prefer them, Thor.” Loki said, thinking, “I suppose it's just that they are of no consequence to me.”

“No consequence?” Thor asked, “And me, am I of consequence to you?”

“Of course.” Loki answered, a touch of scolding in his voice, “You are my brother. I hold your opinion of me higher than anything in this life, besides that of the Allfather. I can't bear to be weak, or vulnerable, or inferior to you in anyway, ever. So how comfortable do you think that makes me in your presence?” The words came as a surprise to Loki as much as they did to Thor. The truth had always been there, but bringing it to the surface took an exhausting amount of introspection, and after he finished, he collapsed beside Thor on the bed.

“So you do not hate me then?”

“No! Idiot,” Loki answered. “Of course I don't hate you. You are my brother.”

“But I have been a terrible brother to you, have I not? What about all the beatings, and the names, and the broken toys?”

“Oh please, Thor. Do you really think I let you get away with all that?”

“But I was never punished! You never once told mother or father...”

“I always had my revenge on you, Thor. Believe me, most of the misfortunes you've endured in your life were the direct result of my efforts....”

“What misfortunes?”

“Do you really want to know?” Loki asked back.

“No.” Thor answered.

“Well then, just be satisfied that we're even.” Loki said, then added, “Thor? That's not what had you weeping was it? Feeling guilty that you were a terrible brother?” He teased.

The slight crinkling in Thor's brow was all the answer Loki needed, and he couldn't help but laugh. Then to make up for his indiscretion, he said, “Well, if it makes you feel any better, know that every time my actions succeeded in causing you heartbreak or loss, they stung me almost as deeply. But I would keep doing it, time and again, because I couldn't stand to see your behavior go unpunished by me, and me alone. Even though it would only bring me more suffering in the end.”

Thor wanted to say something that would express the same kind of empathy, but he knew that it would be a lie. With regret, he admitted, “I was cruel to you, and continued being so because I thought you didn't care. You never cried, or fought back, or even reported my abuses. As I grew older, I came to believe that your honor and mine were linked, so I could not tolerate anyone else but myself to mistreat you, although I still believed you didn't care. It hasn't been until this day that I have been forced to reckon with the iniquity of my actions.”

Loki felt slightly uncomfortable by what he recognized was a heartfelt confession from his brother, and so remained silent.

“So, do I have your forgiveness, brother?” Thor asked.

“Oh Thor. You already had it.” Loki answered, and rose up from the bed to look down on his brother. “Now, this has been a particularly draining night and I really wish to retire.”

Thor moved not an inch.

“I wish to stay.” He announced.

“Thor, please. I will be retiring directly. What will you do? Sit up in the dark?”

“We have shared a bed most of the years of our lives. And your bed is wide enough for two. I can stay the night in your chambers comfortably, if you will allow it.”

“I will not allow it!”

“Loki, unlike you, I am not afraid to show you my fragility. And tonight, I do not wish to be alone. Please, let me remain.” Thor said covering his face as he begged.

It worked. “Fine. Will you be sleeping in your full armor? Or can't I get you to rise and take yourself from my side of the bed?”

Happy that he had gotten his way, Thor sprung from the bed and stripped to his tunic. Loki took his place beneath the sheets and brought the candle to the bedside so that it could be blown out as soon as Thor was settled. Thor tossed himself onto the bed as Loki extinguished the light, and both snuggled down into the luxurious feather bedding. Loki was not expecting silence, nor did he get it.

“Loki?”

“Yes?” He answered, resigned to go this night without peace or sleep.

“How long has it been since we tucked ourselves in beneath the same sheets, brother?” Thor said with a smile in his voice.

“Not since it was our mother or the nursemaid that did the tucking, to be sure.” Loki replied tiredly.

“Not since we were but tiny whelps!” Thor said, relishing the novelty of the situation and laughing so that his huge body shook the bed.

“Do you remember those days as sharply as I do?” Thor asked mirthfully.

“More sharply than you do, perhaps.”

“You were so marvelously clever, Loki,” Thor went on, “Even then. The trouble we caused, what with your expert plotting and my bravado in carrying out the most devilish tricks upon the nursemaids and servants. Ha ha.” Thor laughed, “I have no memory of life without you, brother. I was astounded the day our dear mother explained to us that you were the younger, and that I had lived several years before you came into this life. I must tell you, for many years, I believed we were twins. I deduced that you, being so clever, must have known the truth all along. What say you to this wild tale, Loki?”

“That you were so marvelously stupid. Even then.” Loki said, and in reply Thor laughed loudly in agreement.

“I reasoned that we were as the hounds.” Thor explained. “The mother has her young, and they come out, many brothers and sisters at a time, some black and shaggy, others white and smooth, some spotted. It made sense to me then. Only later to discover that you were not even my-”

“Yes, Thor I understand!” Loki broke in.

After a short, but loaded silence Loki confessed, “If it's any consolation to you, I believed the same thing.”

“Really?” Thor said in wonderment.

“If you remember, I was there too at the same hound's birthing that you are probably thinking of. I saw the same thing, and drew the same conclusions about you and I. I even wondered what happened to the rest of our littermates.”

“And I as well, brother! Our poor mother, thought I, she has only two and here this hound lies with seven pups! Ha ha!” Thor replied happily, feeling redeemed for his foolish childhood beliefs simply because he had shared them with Loki. This knowledge emboldened him to tread the dangerous ground of a most sensitive topic. “How old were you when you learned the truth, Loki? The whole truth.”

“Some time after that, around the time we were given separate quarters.” Loki replied without hesitation, “Father, apparently, had meant to keep it from me until I was a man, but-”

“What? Until you were a man? What but cruelty could be behind such a mad design? Why wait to tell a man that he had been lied to all his life?” Thor interrupted with enthusiastic outrage, more than a little appreciated by Loki.

“Well, that apparently was our mother's belief as well. But I knew no sooner than you. I had no inkling of the truth and even refused to believe it when it was revealed. That is, until mother took me to the casket, and bid me to touch it.”

“What! What happened?” Thor exclaimed, riveted. He had rolled over towards Loki and lifted his head so that he could watch his brother's face as he spoke. Loki, for his part, was doing his best not to show the delight he felt at so possessing his brother's rapt attention.

“Well, I held it in my hands, and the power of it swept through my body, cold, not painful, and I watched my flesh turn a dark blue.” Loki answered with a forced calm. “Then I set the damnable thing back on its pedestal and waited for my body to return to its proper form.”

“Were you frightened? Angry?”

“Yes. Both. Abundantly so.”

Thor brought his arm up so that he could relax his head in his palm as he looked down at his brother beside him. Loki had been through so much, seen and done so much, that Thor knew nothing of, and hadn't even wondered about. As he pondered the distance that had grown between them, his present environment and some words Loki had spoken only moments before about the time they were given separate quarters suddenly brought to surface a memory he had long since worked very hard to forget.

“Loki, you say that this occurred about the time that we were forbidden to sleep together?”

“Yes, some time around there.” Loki answered, a touch of curiosity in his voice.

“What do you remember of that night?” Thor asked with a strange authority that was masking more vulnerable feelings.

Loki had been lying on his back with his eyes closed, trying to feign a tired aspect. The promise of this most delectable reminiscence made it too hard for him to keep up such an act, though, so he lifted his head as he replied, “What do you remember of that night, Thor? That's a much more interesting question.”

“My memory does not serve me well on this topic, that is why I ask you.”

“Well,” Loki began, looking too pleased to tell such a painful tale, Thor thought, as he settled back down onto his pillow, “For weeks our parents and nursemaids had warned us that the change was coming, and we even saw them preparing the new chamber to which I would be assigned- this one, the very one we lie in now.”

“Yes...”

“But we thought nothing of it, saw it as an empty threat, believing ourselves to be princes that did as we pleased and slept where and with whom we wanted.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Well just imagine our surprise the night I was ordered out of your bed and into my own by the head nursemaid with our mother behind her, practically in tears as she was forced to watch such a pathetic scene. The maid had quite a time getting me out the door, what with you kicking and shrieking at her, clutching onto my arm and pleading as though you'd been sentenced to death. Then I lay in my stiff new bed and listened as you howled my name, the echoes filling the entire palace while you carried on and pounded the locked door of your chamber with your tiny, angry fists for several hours, only ceasing when you had exhausted yourself and passed out right beneath your door. It was an impressive display of your devotion, I must say...”

"Yes, yes, that's enough! You needn't provide such embellishment, Loki.” Thor cut in, then, defending himself, “You know why I screamed so, and for you? I believed that the Frost Giants would come and kidnap you, and take you away, back to Jotunheim where I would never see you again-”

“I should think you would love that: the perfect opportunity for a glorious quest to save me from the monsters-”

“It was cruel.” Thor went on, ignoring Loki's jab, “They told me of your heritage and that you were my younger brother, and bid me to protect you and defend you with all my honor. And to a boy that age, I felt you were most vulnerable at night, when the darkest spirits are privy to roam the land. How was I to keep you safe, imprisoned in my own chamber? And all because of that meddlesome nursemaid. I was glad when she was dismissed. She knew not her place... wait-” Thor stopped, suddenly registering a detail of Loki's story that did not match his own memory. “You said I fell asleep on the chamber floor. But that is false, I remember awakening in my bed the morning after.”

“I carried you there.”

“What? Nonsense. That infernal nursemaid locked the chamber, and kept the key hidden in her gown.”

“From whence I took it.” Loki replied coolly, closing his eyes and lacing his fingers behind his head so that one of his elbows collided with Thor's. He allowed it to remain and slyly opened one eye to savor the look of wonder on Thor's face. “See,” Loki continued, “I wouldn't let the nurse maid, or even mother witness it, but the whole thing was quite upsetting for me as well. Remember, you at least still had your bed, but mine was strange to me, and I cried profusely once I was alone. I was lonely and terrified for you. I knew that screaming like you were would make you a perfect victim for any ghoul or demon who saw fit to take advantage. The fiend could torture you, tear off your limbs and gut you while your cries would fall on deaf ears. When your wailing had finally ceased I knew the demon would come to find you exhausted and defenseless, so I resolved to mount your rescue. Having silence and her usual evening mead, the nursemaid was sound asleep outside my door. I lifted the key from her skirts and crept to your room, where I found your lifeless body right at the entrance. You were so heavy, and I so tired by the time I had you tucked into your bed, but I managed to keep watch over you until dawn, when I locked your door, crept back into my room, and hid the key in the hopes that the nursemaid would think she lost it and be dismissed for her carelessness. Which is exactly what happened.”

Thor was speechless.

“As a matter of fact...” Loki said as he rummaged in a drawer beside the bed, “Yes, here it is.” He lifted a key out and handed it to Thor. “This is yours, I believe.”

Thor held the key in his hand and looked upon it as if it was a sacred relic. “You came that night to save me, and vanquished the nursemaid, without ever boasting of your triumph.”

“This is true.”

“And for months after, before another key to my chamber door was discovered, we were free to sneak into bed with one another after dark.”

“Another advantageous result.”

“And to think, dear brother, in all these years, you have never once abused this possession by trespassing my rooms!”

Thor waited for another hearty agreement, but Loki was silent.

“Loki?”

“Hmm?” Loki said, giving Thor a wide-eyed stare, which Thor understood.

“Loki, how could you?”

“What, as if you never did likewise?”

“Never in secret!”

“Oh no, You would just kick the door to open, storm in, and throw me across the room. Much more couth!”

“Let' not bicker, brother,” Thor said, and looking to return conversation back to a topic they could agree on, thought of the hated nursemaid. “Whatever you've done, it was well worth the riddance of that evil, pestering woman. I sensed her dislike, and feared that she desired to bring me shame with her gossiping ways.”

“Some might argue she had good reason. If you remember, she was the one that saw us. And that was why she insisted on our having separate chambers.”Loki said quietly, tossing the words into the air as if they were obvious.

“Saw us? Saw what?”

“Oh Thor, please don't feign ignorance. She saw us.”Loki scowled.

“You are repeating yourself, and making no sense.” Thor said flatly.

Loki raised his head a little, aiming to project his next words straight into Thor's face so that they might penetrate his thick skull and stir up some memory inside of it.“Thor-she saw us. Together. She saw you and I together in your bed. Don't you remember?”

Then he did. Loki watched his brother's face change from amused bewilderment, to horror, and immediately to incredulousness, all in a matter of seconds.

“That? That was nothing.” Thor said, dropping his voice to a strained whisper, “She knew not what she saw, but assumed the worst like all fools do. We were children, and we loved each other very much. It's natural for children play like that-”

“Not like that, Thor. Not like that. Not princes. Not brothers. Not repeatedly. That is not what anyone, in any realm, thinks of as 'normal child's play.'”

“Gods, Loki!” Thor replied, still speaking in a straining whisper. “Why must you speak of it such? Is it your opinion that I ought to be ashamed? Are you thus ashamed?”

“Me? No, I like to believe myself incapable of such a useless emotion. But, I must ask, if you aren't ashamed, then why are you whispering?”

“I'm not whispering.” Thor rasped, still whispering, and warranting the heartiest laugh Loki had enjoyed so far that night. “I simply do not wish to wake the entire palace with our petty argument.”

“I am pleased to see you are already developing a very royal tendency towards hypocrisy, dear brother, one you no doubt inherited from your father.”

“Our father.” Thor corrected.

“Allfather, excuse me.” Loki rejoined with unmasked sarcasm.

Thor grunted disapprovingly, but decided to continue the night's theme of generously indulging Loki's taunts and jabs, and brought the conversation back to the previous topic. “There was nothing but purity and innocence in our affections, Loki. We loved each other, we shared everything: garments, playthings, dreams, fears, adventures, tears-”

“Kisses? Caresses? Loki interrupted playfully.

“Well...yes. I suppose so. In our case it was true, and in the cases of many others as well, I have no doubt.”

“Many others? Oh yes, I guess you're right. I can just picture Volstagg idly lying upon the nude chest of Gudmundr as the latter combs his fingers through his brother's curly locks. And Sif, I've no doubt, must have grown quite accustomed to Saefari's attentions as he plied her neck and cheek with kisses while they lounged on sunlit afternoons in the Svendrel meadows of their father's homeland.” Loki paused to give Thor's glare an audience. “Be honest, Thor, it must have been a most singular and unsettling sight for the poor nursemaid who hadn't guessed what liberties royal princes might allow themselves when they are particularly bold, as we were. And to continue in the trope of whelps and litters, I'd elect the title 'puppy love' to name the grooming activities we so eagerly engaged ourselves with, each administering care to the other with paws and tongues alike.”

“I loved you deeply, Loki, but not in the same way a man loves a woman.”

“Oh no? Do you remember the first time father spoke to us of courtly love and marriage, and described to you the path you would take in life regarding these matters, how you would be required to choose a queen and produce an heir as Odin had while I would be required to marry some political ally and likely live in some far off realm?”

“Yes.”

“And that night? The heartfelt proposal you offered me? Do you remember that?”

“Of course. I said that when I was made king, I would change the laws so that boys could marry, and then I would wed you make you my prince consort so that no foreign princess could ever you steal you from my company. And if you do not give rest to your taunting and gibing me, I may make good on that promise.”

Loki laughed out loud, “Oh Thor, you wouldn't dare.”

“I invite you to test me brother.” Thor replied confidently.

“You recall that it was me who advised you not to share this plan with father at the dinner table, as you intended?”

“Yes, and I am eternally thankful for your wise council on the matter.” Thor said, both brothers laughing as they imagined their what their father's response would have been.”

“Or maybe you should have done it. The shock would probably have sent the Allfather straight into his Odinsleep so that you could have had your way right then and there.” Loki said, laughing himself and causing Thor to laugh so loudly that Loki felt compelled to hush him.

“Such things you say, Loki. Your tongue is as brave as it is clever. I do wish I had you in my company more.”

“Well, I thank you, but tonight I'm afraid you have spent my capacity to entertain you.” Loki said, pulling the sheet up to his armpits and turning his back to Thor. “Good night.”

Thor sighed and resigned himself to finally obeying his brother's wish for sleep. He settled onto the same pillow his brother lay on, leaving half the giant bed empty. Loki did not seemed bothered by their closeness, and Thor secretly celebrated a small victory in his quest to win back his love.

Chapter Text

Listening to the even strains of his brother's breathing, Thor felt at peace. But soon the sound reminded him of what he had initially been after when he joined Loki in the library hours before, and a nagging question stole his peace.

“Loki?”

“Hmm?” Loki answered almost sweetly, as if he no longer had the strength to be annoyed.

“Were you happy in those days, when we were very young and close? Did you not enjoy the things we did... those things... that you spoke of? I always thought you...did you? I never... it was never my intention to force you, or to take advantage...”

“I wanted it as much as you did, Thor. If I didn't I wouldn't have allowed it.”

“Well, then, if you enjoyed it as much as I, then...” Thor said, pausing to enjoy these last moments of nearness to his brother, because he felt sure the rest of his question would incur his wrath.

“Then what?”

“Then why did you never purr?”

“So we're back to that again, are we?”

“Loki, please, I have to know!”

Loki flipped brusquely onto his back and turned to face his brother with a stern but patient face. “Well, again I would have to remind you, that if you had paid any mind to your foreign biology instructor, these questions would not torment you so. Purring tendencies develop in Jotuns in late puberty, so at the time of our affections I was quite incapable. But, if it soothes your worry to imagine it, then I'm sure your caresses would have had me like an armful of vibrating kittens if it had been possible.”

“Sounds delightful.” Thor said. “ And what would you be like now, Loki? A playful tomcat whose vigorous rumbling body penetrates the very soul of the one who embraces him?” Thor teased.

“More like a rabid jungle cat whose claws and teeth penetrate the innards one who dares to attempt it.” Loki responded, but so lazily that Thor could not help laughing at the inconsistency. “If you even try to initiate those games of days gone by, Thor, I should warn you that I keep a dagger within reach.”

Thor laughed. “But what of the less... unrestrained of our affections, Loki. Do you remember how mother taught us to memorize constellations? We would draw their figures on each others backs so that the recipient could guess which one it was.”

“Yes it was quite pleasurable Thor, but unproductive. You would trace random and meandering lines or wild loops and expect me to guess it was Idrun's ladder or the saddle of Svadilfari. Meanwhile, I would replicate the same constellations perfectly on your back and the only response I would get is 'Keep going. That feels good.'”

“I am much wiser know, Loki. If you permit me, I can demonstrate.”

After rolling back onto his chest, Loki sighed and pulled the sheet down to the bottom of his waist. “All right, go ahead.”

Thor, perplexed, demanded, “Loki, you must remove your tunic first.”

“Are you mad?”

“What? Do you fear the evening breeze might chill your Jotun blood? Leave off this strange and womanly modesty in the presence of your own brother.”

Loki sat up and pulled the tunic over his head. Still wearing the sleeves he eyed his brother suspiciously before yanking the thing away from his body.

“Brother!” Thor began in a mocking tone that had rubbed off in just the few hours he had been spending in Loki's presence, “I do declare, your milky flesh is as fair as a sun-starved maiden trapped in a prison tower. In this darkness your chest glows even brighter than the proud harvest moon. Perhaps, even once or twice in a decade, your books might give you leave to-”

Thor was cut off by a sharp kick to his shin from beneath the sheets.

“Oww!” Thor exclaimed, but the accompanying laughter betrayed his happiness. “Fie, brother. How does one injure his own kin with such impunity?” But it was that very impunity that delighted Thor. Even with his closest friends, he was treated with the fear that is due a royal heir. Never the taunting, the honesty, the violent threats or the well-deserved kicks to the shin. Only a brother-prince could provide him with that kind of genuine love. Thor lie back, laughing uncontrollably as he relished the sting in his leg.

“I will bruise for that.” Thor said, trying to recover from his fit of joy.

“I care not. I am waiting for you to begin.” Loki replied impatiently, having resettled himself onto his chest and folded his arms beneath his pillow.

Thor rose back to his previous position, cradling his head and laying his other hand on Loki's back. Loki's skin felt as cool and as smooth as it had when they were children, and the familiarity of the touch made Thor feel as if it had only been yesterday when they had last played this game, or lay awake in the dark keeping each other up with jokes and stories. Hours before Thor had had trouble remembering the time when they had been inseparable, but at this moment, it seemed that the most recent years when they had been strangers was an eternity ago.

“Am I supposed to guess 'black hole'?” Loki said, commenting on the lifeless hand laying on his back.

Thor was pulled from his reverie only enough to trace idle swoops and zig-zags across Loki's skin, just as he had when they were children. He continued his thoughts out loud. “What drew us so far apart, brother, after we were forbidden to sleep together? How did we become enemies so that we forgot to be allies, or even friends?”

“Nothing mysterious to that. The time we previously spent playing and doting mutually on each other became filled with our efforts to win our father's love and approval. And we became rivals for an equal share in it. It was my fault, really. I should never have hoped, and strived, to be loved as much as you, his true blood and heir. No matter what either of us did, he would always cherish you more than me. And I hated you for that.”

“And when did you stop hating me?” Thor asked.

“Hmm.” Loki said, a short snicker escaping into the pillow before he went on, “I don't know, now that you mention it, I don't know why I used the past tense. I guess I stopped hating you without even realizing it... just in the past few hours.... Oh, what difference does it make. Keep going, Thor, that feels wonderful.”

“Now you sound like me.” Thor replied, as his finger continued its rambling path along the smooth expanse of Loki's back. “But you haven't guessed the constellation.”

“It must be... let's see... ah, it's the Crystal Bell of Midgard, isn't it?” Loki said spiritedly.

“Yes! Just that!” Thor laughed.

“Thor, there is no Crystal Bell of Midgard, I made that up.” Loki said, and feeling Thor's fingers stop in their tracks, then demanded, “Oh keep going, why don't you? When you are made king and sit as the mightiest being in all creation, you can create the Crystal Bell of Midgard and many more new constellations at your leisure. I care not what you scribble upon me. The feeling is so wonderful I shall be lulled into sleep long before you finish conceiving another fictional galaxy.”

Thor tracing light and whimsical lines from armpit to tailbone distractedly, thinking about Loki's words on the subject of their father's love. He agreed with Loki's self-condemnation concerning his hopeless quest for favor; both brothers knew Odin was an imperfect father who couldn't be bothered even to hide the preference of his discriminating love. Why was Loki be so eager to possess such a poisoned love which based itself not in the heart but only in blood relation? Thor realized that as Loki was jealous of Thor for their father's love, so Thor was jealous of their father for possessing Loki's devotion. Why should Odin's love mean so much more than Thor's, when he too, would be ruling monarch one day?

“Loki?” Thor whispered as he lifted his hand away from Loki's back, but just as Loki had foretold, the work of Thor's fingertips had quickly put him to sleep. He received nothing but the steady breaths of slumber in response.

Thor settled himself gently behind Loki's head, silky black strands tickling his nostrils and eyelashes just as they had many years ago. He lifted his hands to brush them away, but couldn't help indulging himself with a few extra strokes through his brother's fine hair, still as soft as when he was a child. Finally he nestled his face into Loki's bare neck, making every movement as slow and cautious as possible, knowing that if he roused the sleeping body he would surely be ordered to the opposite side of the bed.

Thor laid himself beside Loki so that there was only his own thin tunic separating their bodies. He pulled the sheet up gently to cover Loki's nude waist, and then rested his arm across Loki's back. Since this did not seem to disturb him, Thor let his hand glide up and under the pillow where both of his brother's hands were still hidden. There his fingers sought Loki's, and he cradled his brother's slender hand in his own, caressing one of Loki's sharp knuckles with his thumb as he did so.

Loki still did not stir, and Thor felt intoxicated with tender emotion, so sweet and yet aching.

“Loki,” Thor whispered as quietly as his voice would allow, his lips mere centimeters from his brother's ear, “I know you cannot hear me but I must tell you this now, for fear that this night is only a dream, and tomorrow we two will be like strangers once again. I want you to know, that although you may never be father's favorite, never doubt, that you will always be mine.”

One of Loki's fingers twitched beneath the pillow, and his breathing stilled. Thor cursed himself- Loki had been disturbed and he would surely be angry when he realized how Thor was sprawled over his body. But then a miracle happened. Loki inhaled deeply, and as he did so, Thor felt the slender fingers he held spread slowly out and weave themselves with his own before shutting tightly in a mutual embrace.

Thor's heart swelled so that he thought it would explode, and without thinking he gathered his brother wholly into himself, even bringing up his legs so that Loki was totally engulfed in his affection. Loki allowed all this and Thor's lips burned to kiss the back of his neck but he caught himself, knowing when he was about to go to far. He drew into his lungs the scent of Loki's hair, giving his brother one great squeeze before relaxing his body. Their fingers remained entwined beneath the pillow and soon Loki's breathing returned to its steady rhythm.

For a while Thor lay awake, imagining the adventures he and Loki would share now that they were reconciled. Tomorrow they could take a long jaunt on horseback to the slopes of Hvitrfell and gather nuts and sweet berries, lying by the falls while they stuffed their faces. Loki would get some color, and maybe a canteen filled with kvass might be a wise provision, since he had never imbibed with his brother before, and could only imagine what wildness that silver tongue might produce when loosened by drink.

But that would only be the beginning. They would engage longer journeys, traveling the Bifrost to every corner of the Nine Realms seeking adventure. They would map unknown regions, track troublesome beasts and discover new species, experience new cultures and befriend them with the diplomacy he knew his brother capable of, and all for the glory of Asgard. Their names would be written in the history books before his reign had even begun, as the great exploring princes, using their skill and might for peace and knowledge, rather than battle and conquest.

As Thor imagined different scenarios, he began drifting lightly into sleep. But before he completely abandoned himself into the world of his dreams, he was brought back to his senses by an increasing warmth invading his body. It was Loki, the body he was cradling, whose temperature was rising slowly. Thor, perplexed, held his breath and kept as still as possible as he listened to Loki's breathing, which was growing deeper and with rolling, undulating tones like waves on a beach. Loki shifted slightly onto his back and took a great breath. As he exhaled, there was no doubting a deep rumble in his chest, which carried over into the next breath and every one after, building upon itself.

Thor had to remind himself to breathe. He had wanted this so badly, and now that it was finally happening, he could hardly believe it. The purring grew heavier and the rhythm rolled out thickly from deep within his chest. Thor pressed his palm over Loki's chest, seeking the core of its pulse and finding it directly beside his heart, where the vibrations were so strong that he could still feel them when he pulled his hand away.

All this had a heady effect on Thor, and he was sent into a light case of the giggles. He knew his brother must be completely unconscious, for while he may feign sleep to hear Thor's confessions of love, he would certainly arise if he heard Thor laughing while he purred. Thor couldn't resist the temptation to begin stroking Loki like the tomcat he had compared him to earlier that night, and so began gliding his hands along the length of his Loki's body.

In response to Thor's caresses, Loki's purring grow louder and his body writhed in pleasure. Thor laughed as he ruffled his brothers hair, softly massaged the lobes of his ears and the smooth skin of his neck, and lightly scratched him through the thin sheet. Unconsciously drawn to the body that was lavishing him, Loki twisted his body around to Thor, winding his arms about him and pressing his face deep into the crevice of Thor's neck, where he tenderly nuzzled him. Their chests now pressed against each other, the Loki's vibrations seized Thor's entire being, thrilling him to another bout of laughter. He continued stroking and squeezing Loki's body, loving the way he purred and arched his back in response, eagerly pulling Thor closer and rubbing against him.

As the night faded away and the birds of dawn began to sing, Thor was overwhelmed with a fatigue that even the novelty of purring Jotuns could dispel. As his hand fell still on its track up and down Loki's spine, Thor returned to the dreams of his boyhood- slaying dragons, climbing high peaks, recovering lost treasures, all with his brother by his side.