A good start, though it could use a bit of editing, mostly minor stuff like a word or two here and fixing the paragraphs which are separated line by line. I like the premise though, the idea that Tim forgets almost everything when he gets to the universe except for the flash of memory and a few fundamental facts he clings to.
If you are looking for constructive criticism I would also add it might be useful to ground Tim in the new scene more. Is he in Gotham or is Batman in the desert? How does he know he is in another universe? (I don’t doubt he could figure it out but Robin-Tim always did so by analyzing the situation). Is there cues like how he switched locations, how Batman is acting, prior experience or hypothesis on the bat files, or maybe an instinctual sense to the air that makes dimensional travellers uncomfortable (an itch or tingle or other feeling). Also one way to write disorientation is to draw on the senses, and not just sight either. Does he have virtigo? Does anything hurt? What does he smell or hear or is there a taste in the air? Thus would also help show the difference in scene.
For example: His head swam and he could no longer taste the dry sand of the desert. Had he been in a desert? Flashes of memory swam his mind but it was hard to concentrate. There was a woman calling his name— Tim. was that his name? With an effort Tim shook his head and focused on the scene in front of him, now wasn’t the time.
That’s just one way to better show rather than tell, which is something everyone says but few explain. Basically it’s to not tell me he’s confused, but tell me while showing me how his confusion manifests. Also I should say this is pretty short and while I do like that you ended it on a dramatic moment, some readers might overlook your story because of that. It’s fine if you update regularly, are okay waiting till you post more for that branch of your readership, or if you treat this chapter like a prologue and make the others longer. It’s whatever you prefer.
On a personal note I hope you take the advise the right way, I’m not trying to nitpick or be rude about your work, I genuinely want to read more, and am a complete sucker for these types of stories. Anything I say you can always choose to ignore if you don’t like it or disagree. At the end of the day this is your story and I respect that. Fan-fiction is meant to be fun, I would hate to ruin that. But as a commenter I like to give honest and well though out feedback for the author to do with as they will. That could be constructive criticism or head canons or what parts I most liked about the chapter. What made me laugh or really spoke to me.
Anyways I do hope you continue this, the best thing any writer can do is to write. And just by posting this, by putting words to paper, and posting it for people to read, I know you to be a writer.
Thank you very much for the review, it made me think a lot of what to worry about in the future and what to introduce in the next chapter. I'll edit the prologue gradually, after all it's just a general idea of what the fic is about. More than anything an idea that I couldn't get out of my head.
I’m glad I could help, and that it came off the right way, I am excited to see the next bit. really fan fictions for fun so only do the editing if and when you want to, don’t feel pressured or force it. All books start as an idea you can’t escape, and sometimes the best way is to just right it down
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BrittanyRose1 on Chapter 1 Tue 01 Dec 2020 09:00AM UTC
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CrochanWitch on Chapter 1 Tue 01 Dec 2020 02:02PM UTC
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BrittanyRose1 on Chapter 1 Tue 01 Dec 2020 05:23PM UTC
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