Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s the scent that betrays it of course. It usually starts this way. Suppressants and blockers are a life-saver for a lot of people, and they’re very efficient, but neither can do anything once a heat has started.

Kim recognizes the scent as soon as he steps into the house, even though he has not actually been around that many omegas in his life, and even fewer omegas going into heat near him. All throughout high school as teenagers kept presenting, they usually stayed at home during heats and ruts, until their cycles were stabilized and they had learned to recognize the signs. By the time they graduated, people were either on contraceptives or skilled in managing their timing.

It’s actually quite rare to stumble upon someone going into it in everyday life. But of course, Kim lives with an omega now.

He was under the impression that Kenta was on blocker, he certainly never went into heat in the months he has been living with Kim. There is no mistaking the scent though. Kim doesn't really recognize it from memory as much as from instincts. He is an alpha after all – he just knows.

He stays frozen in the entryway for a long moment, confused as to how he should react. Part of him thinks it's pretty simple – just find the omega and take care of it. But this is not the Middle Ages, he has reins over his instincts, and Kenta has all rights over his body and integrity.

Even if they are together, and Kim would be well within his rights to expect–

He shakes his head to dispel the thought, feeling a little dizzy. He can’t let his stupid hormones take the lead. Things are still new between them and he doesn’t want to mess up. He needs to stay calm and in control.

He makes his way to Kenta’s room, where the scent is the strongest. Kim never gave much credit to the heat cycles before. Didn’t get what there was to get so crazy about.

He owes some of his friends an apology – they were completely right. It really is the sweetest thing he ever smelt, and it really is turning his brain into mush.

He knocks on the door softly, thinking it might be better if it stays closed. Yet he growls like an animal when Kenta's muffled voice tells him to go away.

"I just want to make sure you're okay," Kim says, only half-convinced by his own words. His reason is much stronger than his instincts, thankfully. He knows that if he were to go against Kenta's wish, if he was to break his trust in such a way, even if only by opening the door, it would do irreparable damage to their relationship. Kim intends to keep him forever. He won't risk it in any way.

“I’m fine. Just leave.”

“I-I can’t do that.”

Beyond the fact that it would be incredibly rude to just leave when his boyfriend is going through this, there is also the fact that he physically can’t. Just thinking about it sets him on edge. This he where he wants, needs to be. Even if the door stays closed.

He hears a soft, pained whimper from inside the room and has to take a few steps away. He's scared he can't trust himself. Kenta sounds like he's in distress, like he’s struggling. How can Kim just wait here and do nothing?

So he calls Jeff.

.

“How did you get here so fast?”

“Alan drove me.”

Kim takes a few steps out of the door to wave at Alan leaning against his bike. The man doesn’t make a move to come into the house, which Kim is stupidly grateful for. He doesn’t think he could handle another alpha getting close to them in these conditions, and Alan understands it without being told.

Kim goes back inside just in time to see Jeff disappear into Kenta’s room. He tramples down a rising tide of misplaced jealousy – he knows very well why Jeff is allowed in, while Kim isn’t.

It doesn’t make it much easier to bear.

He receives a text a few minutes later.

“Do you have anything to eat? Something he will like, but not too heavy. He should be good in the morning.”

Kim hurries to the kitchen, thankful for the leftover japchae they were too full to finish the night before. They almost always have some on the ready these days. Kenta likes to eat it, and Kim loves to watch him eat something he likes. He tries to be subtle about it, but it’s probably a failure. Then again Kenta never calls him out on it, even when his cheeks turn pink in embarrassment.

Kim puts the food on a trail, with two cups, tea bags, and a pot of hot water. He sets it down by the door and knocks before taking a few steps back, until Jeff opens it. He's too quick for Kim to get anything though, except a strong hit of Kenta's scent that makes him run back into his own bedroom. He has to masturbate twice in quick succession to feel a little calmer, and he prays they’re not able to tell.

He tries to busy himself after that, with dinner and then TV, the sound on loud to try and sink into it, to no avail. He gives up after half an hour and goes to knock again.

“Everything alright?” he asks, voice rough. He feels raw and unsteady. He wants so badly to go in.

“Yes, don’t worry, we’re good,” Jeff answers. Kim almost asks for Kenta to speak too, just to be sure, just because he needs to hear him. But this must be hard enough already. So he says nothing.

He doesn't want to go to sleep. Even his bedroom across the hallway is too far away. He sits on the floor by Kenta’s door, drunk on his scent. He's so wound up he feels like crying.

He ends up falling asleep right there in the corridor and is woken up rather rudely by Jeff stumbling on his outstretched legs. The man narrowly avoids crashing on his face and glares at Kim, still hazy after a restless, fitful sleep.

“I’m out. See ya,” he calls out. By the time Kim has scrambled to his feet, he's already gone.

Kenta stares at Kim from the threshold of his bedroom, hovering on the line. He looks unsure, wary.

He’s waiting for Kim’s cue.

“How are you doing?” Kim asks, a little lost at what he’s supposed to do in this situation. “Do you need anything?”

He did well it seems, because Kenta relaxes a fragment and shakes his head. “I’ll make breakfast,” he says before strolling toward the kitchen like nothing happened, like this is just another random morning.

Kim can live with that. If Kenta doesn’t want to talk about it for now, he’ll leave it be. He supposes it won’t happen again, as it might have been a miss with his pills.

He doesn’t let himself be disappointed by that, doesn’t linger too long on the matter. It was a one-time thing.

.

It happens again.

Kim is woken up in the middle of the night by the heat and scent flooding from Kenta’s body. Though they live together, they each have their own room and don’t sleep together most nights. Kim enjoys it to the fullest when it happens – it usually means he did Kenta good enough that he doesn’t feel like moving at all.

They are intertwined, pressed skin to skin in Kim’s large bed, and they stir at the same moment. Kenta burrows into him, keening, and Kim wraps around him more tightly. He inhales his scent deeply as they start rocking into each other, mind already hazy.

Then it hits them both.

Kenta pushes hard. Kim falls out of bed in his haste to put some distance between them. Kenta brings the blanket up to cover himself, though it's not the cold that makes him shiver. For a second Kim can't think of anything other than climbing back into bed and putting his mouth on every part of his body.

He is snapped out of it rather abruptly when, at his first move forward, Kenta flinches away. Underneath the sweet spice of his heat, Kim can smell terror.

He runs out of the room. He calls Jeff again, out of his mind when the man doesn’t answer on the first try. What should he do? Fetch him himself? But he can’t leave Kenta on his own. Take his lover there? Kenta won’t let him approach him.

He is losing it to panic when Jeff calls him back. “On my way,” he says after a few stuttered words of Kim’s explanation, already knowing, it seems, as if he expected it.

It's only a few minutes but feels like hours, when Kim can hear Kenta whine like a wounded animal, when his scent is so thick with both arousal and dread. Kim has half a mind to leave then. He’s not cut out for this.

This time Alan walks in after Jeff. Jeff goes to Kenta and Alan takes Kim to the garden. The fresh air is a slap to his worked-up mind and he can think a little more clearly, but he’s not any less shaken.

By the fact that Kenta’s heats seem to be definitely back on the table and out of control, and that he’s not supposed to do anything about it.

“Are you okay?” Alan asks. He’s running a soothing hand on Kim’s back. Kim realizes that he cannot imagine him as a threat. Not because he’s mated already, not for some basic trust – something that instinct would overrule easily, as much as he dislikes it. But he doesn’t see Alan as a rival alpha. He feels like family, like protection and safety. Kim knows Alan is shelter to them both. All of them really.

So he leans into the man and lets out a shaky exhale, trying to rein in his tumultuous emotions. It's easier out there, away from Kenta, but it's harder too. He wants to be with his lover.

“Am I being terrible? I want to go there so bad.”

“You’re being amazing, because you’re staying here.”

He feels far from amazing. He’s ashamed that this takes so much of his willpower, that he has to actively fight against bypassing Kenta’s will and just joining him anyway.

“I just- I want to be near him. I want-“

It’s not even about the sex. He’s aroused, but that has more to do with basic biology. He doesn’t know about Kenta. Maybe Jeff is helping on that front, which is fine, it’s whatever. But his first instinct is to protect, to comfort, and he's not allowed to do that.

They go back inside when he’s calmer. Kim cannot bring himself to sleep in Kenta’s room, so they doze on the couch until morning.

Neither omega emerges until late afternoon though. Alan brought them food and drinks – Kim didn’t dare approach the door. But he didn’t dare leave either, so he wasted the hours away challenging Alan on his console. The man is unfairly good at racing games, and it makes Kim want to see him behind a real wheel.

When they finally come out, Jeff goes straight to Kim.

“He’s in the shower. It’s rough on him because of the suppressants. They’re not as effective for some reason, and so it hits harder when they fail. You need to go see a doctor. Both of you.”

Kim nods. It's not uncommon for hormones to change drastically throughout their lives, especially along developing relationships.

“Thank you. A lot. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

“Please don’t be,” Alan answers, smile warm. “Anytime, okay? Never hesitate.”

Kim blames his messed up emotions for the tears that prickle at his eyes. Fortunately, they don’t linger enough that he has to fight it for too long.

He decides not to seek out Kenta right away, even if he’s dying to. They both need time to process and get a little steadier. At least he does.

Just as Kenta walks into the living room, both their phones ping with a notification. Alan has booked them an appointment at the clinic for the next day, telling Kim he doesn’t need to come into the garage at all. It’s sweet, although Kim could have used some adrenaline he thinks. But they need to deal with this.

“You’re okay with going?" Kim asks, hating how careful and unsure he sounds. Kenta has been so tight-lipped about all this, and his face is closed off even now. Kim has no idea what he’s thinking.

“Yeah, it’s best to deal with this quickly.”

There is no room for argument, for even discussing “this” at all. Any of the way Kim comes up with to broach the subject, he feels like he comes off as selfish and impatient, so he says nothing at all.

.

The appointment is awkward, to say the least. First of all, because for the first few minutes, the doctor is convinced they’re here to talk about pregnancy. His face gets more and more creased with a worried frown as Kim explains what's going on – Kenta stubbornly stays mute, which doesn't help.

"Alright, we'll run some tests on you both. Separately."

It’s clear what the doctor is thinking, assuming. An alpha enquiring about his omega partner's hormones and cycle while said omega doesn't say a word or even look him in the eye doesn't paint a flattering picture. Whatever. It's good that the man would be vigilant to this kind of abuse. It’s not on him if Kim’s boyfriend looks so uncomfortable and miserable the man assumes Kim is mistreating him.

It's fine. It doesn’t matter. It’s fine.

He gets some blood drawn, gets a full body exam, and some questioning. To the nurse’s credit, it’s not judgmental or too oriented. Kim does his best to answer their questions, but he realizes he can't say much. Between Kenta's terrible background and the fact that Kim doesn’t actually know anything about his past and current habits with suppressants and blockers, he comes off maybe not as abusive, but surely as uncaring.

It's not that the opinion of these people matters much, but it’s a little disheartening to realize how in the dark he is here. He never took any hormone regulations, his ruts are timely and rather mild, his cycles are stable and painless. Omegas are more likely to take medications to these effects, and mostly when they’re single, but still, he feels like he should know these things.

The doctor is more open and friendly when he sits them down in his office again after a few hours, which means at least he was reassured of the state of their relationship. Kim wonders what Kenta said, what he revealed. He feels a stab of pointless frustration that this random man knows more about Kim's boyfriend than he does.

"Alright, this is fairly straightforward after all. Kenta, you've been on mild suppressants for years, which worked fine for your lifestyle then. But being in a committed relationship with an alpha often leads to changes in hormonal cycles, for both parties. Your heat came on stronger for this reason, so the pills you're taking actually are not potent enough."

All Kim hears is that he's at fault. They're not sitting so far away that they can't touch if they want to, but Kenta makes no move to reach out, so Kim keeps his hands linked on the desk.

“You have two options at the moment. You can decide to stop taking medication altogether and switch to a basic contraceptive for pregnancy risks, if that’s a concern for you. If you want to remain on suppressants, I can prescribe you a stronger one.”

Kim wishes they were alone, that he could look at Kenta and know what he’s thinking, that they could discuss this. He feels completely helpless, useless at his boyfriend’s side.

“I have to warn you though that the most common side effect is a lower sex drive. The scent dulling effect is also quite strong.”

The doctor glances briefly at Kim. Is he supposed to say something? Or on the contrary, is this a test? Should he have a say in this, or not?

“I will let you think about it for a moment if you-“

“There’s no need. I’ll take the pills.”

Kim opens his mouth, closes it. He looks down at his hands tighing knots on the cold wood, bites his lips as he debates speaking up, staying silent. There is the beat that he knows is for him. Kenta is looking at the doctor, the doctor is looking at Kim, and Kim is looking at his hands.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please. How long is the prescription?”

“I’ll give you three months for now, to see how you adjust. Then it will be six.”

“Alright. Thank you.”

Kenta stands and leaves the office without a look back.

"Just because you're getting the pills doesn't mean he has to take them forever. You really should discuss this with him, alright?"

Kim is surprised at the solicitude and grateful for the sort of permission. It’s a relief to be told that he’s not completely out of line for wanting to voice his thoughts on the matter.

He’s not sure Kenta will let him though.

The silence is tense in Kim’s car as he drives them back to their house. He’s driving slower than usual, too unfocused to risk it.

"I'm sorry," he says eventually, unable to stand the quiet any longer. "For- I guess it's my fault," he adds when Kenta throws him a perplexed look. He tries to elaborate but fails. He's not capable of apologizing for their relationship.

“It’s not your fault,” Kenta says, but it doesn’t sound very convincing. Kim is in desperate need of some reassurance, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. He opts for something else.

“Have you not considered… You could also stop. I wouldn’t mind.”

He winces at the phrasing, feeling clumsy and callous. Kenta doesn’t seem offended, but he doesn’t want to discuss it either.

“No. I’d rather not.”

And that’s the end of it.

.

Kim feels the changes almost immediately.

Or maybe he’s paranoid, maybe that’s because he’s expecting it. But he’s sure Kenta’s scent is more faded than usual, as if his presence was muted, distant. And it is. He’s less affectionate – he doesn’t shy away from Kim’s touch, but he doesn’t initiate it anymore. It was never often, but it happened. At the very least Kim had the impression that Kenta wanted to be around him.

Which is less and less the case.

It’s a terrifying thought, that with his hormones lessened, Kenta just… doesn’t want him anymore. The doctor talked about sex drive, but what about… what, affection drive? Was it only sexual attractions that drew Kenta to him? Is there nothing to their bond, now that it's gone? Kenta is almost skittish around him.

It's rare for people to stay on suppressants once they're in a stable relationship. These stronger versions are usually used to deal with other issues, for people whose hormones impact their everyday life more than is usual.

Here, it just feels like rejection.

And to make matters worse, only a few weeks after Kenta switched treatment, Kim’s rut decides it’s time to make an appearance.

Ah, he has only himself to blame – he has never been caught off guard. His cycles are always perfectly timed. But he had other things on his mind and he missed both the date and the signs. He figured his horniness and short temper were just a consequence of everything that was happening. Which was still partially true, he was sure.

But he goes into a rut, and even if it's nothing overbearing or difficult to handle, it has the added bonus of rushing Kenta into heat, despite the blockers.

This time Kim can't stay. As soon as Jeff gets to the house, he's out. He doesn't quite know where, he doesn't even take his car, just walks out into the street and wanders aimlessly, restless and unsettled. People wrinkle his nose at him – they can tell. He snarls and bares his teeth, angry with the entire world, with Kenta, and with himself.

Eventually, he takes a cab to the garage, craving something familiar, comforting. And since he can’t go home... Babe is having fun on the simulator while Charlie is nowhere to be seen, maybe off to one errand or another. It’s for the best. Kim doesn’t mind their particular brand of relentless affection, but he’s in no mood to be subjected to it right now.

Babe takes one look at him and throws a pointless challenge at his face, dragging him to the track. It's exactly what he needs – to race, to focus on the road, and the infuriating talent of his co-worker and friend, which forces him to throw everything in every lap. At last, his mind quiets down a little. At last, he can think again.

Babe is worse than Kim when it comes to training, so they could have gone for hours more, but Kim’s phone rings between two sessions, while they’re dumping water on their head to cool off.

He almost doesn’t answer. But it’s Jeff, and it’s the third time he tried to reach him.

“Hello? What is it?”

“You need to come back”

“Why, what happened?”

“Kenta needs you.”

Kim’s first reflex is to drop everything and rush home, but he pauses. Kenta needs him? Now? For what? He doesn’t want Kim anywhere near him. He’s made it clear enough.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Move it!”

It’s not as if he could do anything else anyway. Not as if he was going to ignore it, to not go to his lover when it’s the only thing he wants. Babe lays a light hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything and Kim doesn’t ask what he knows. Babe simply offers him a lift.

Jeff is waiting in front of the house when they make it there. Kim has had time to freak out properly on the road. What is happening with Kenta? Is he okay, is he hurt? Jeff didn't answer any of his messages and didn't pick up his calls. Kim jumps out of the car before it's even properly parked.

“Jeff! What’s happening?”

“Just go in. You have to talk.”

Kim obeys. He doesn’t care what anyway. It’s both instinct and reason this time that make him rush inside the house. He runs to Kenta’s bedroom, before realizing the smell is coming from his own.

He makes it only a few steps into the room. Kenta scrambles off the bed and crashes into him.

Kim receives his weight, reflexes coming easy despite his confusion. Kenta is sobbing quietly in his embrace. Kim can't make sense of his scent, between the heat, the arousal, the fear.

“Don’t go,” he keeps repeating. “Don’t leave.”

“I won’t. I’m here.”

There's no hope of getting any answer while his boyfriend is in this state, and Kim can't say he's faring much better, so he moves them to his bed, where the sheets are tangled and twisted beyond hope.

They just settle on top of the cover, Kenta snuggled tightly against Kim's side. Kim inhales deeply and tries to calm down. He's more settled already, now that he has Kenta safe in his arms. Kim managed to divest himself of his jacket, and Kenta is only in how boxers and a loose t-shirt – they have some measure of skin exposed, enough to touch and keep contact. It helps.

“I thought you didn’t want me around,” Kim says eventually, when it feels safe enough, and not like they might shatter any second.

“I do.”

“But–“

“I hate this.”

Kim is surprised by the fierceness of his tone.

“The heat?”

“It makes me so weak. Makes me vulnerable.”

Kenta trembles in his arms and Kim has to dismiss his rage, his need to avenge him, to make them pay. Which is absurd. Tony is gone, they are free already. And yet.

"That first time here… it was only the second time at all. I didn’t even get it at first. I only went in heat once before, when I was a teen.”

Kim couldn't imagine what it must have been like. In this place full of alphas, where his place and worth were less than valued.

“What happened?”

“I locked myself in my room. There were kids pounding at the door, trying to get to me. It took so long for anyone to come. But even if they did… I couldn’t trust anyone. It felt–”

Kenta breaks off there, but he has said enough. Kim brings him closer, until Kenta is practically on his lap, laying against his chest.

“I’m sorry. You’re safe with me.”

"I know. Kim, I know, I never… It's just- I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. I remember how they were like, how they sounded. What they said they would do to me. I know that's not how it's supposed to go, I know we were young, that none of us had any control over it, and that there should have been someone to help us through it. I know.”

But it was one thing to be aware of it, to be told. Another entirely, he supposed, to feel dispossessed in this way from his wants and needs, to know what it could induce in others. How they could all turn into a threat, into danger.

“I’ve been on blockers ever since. There was no other option. I was told it was a problem I had to deal with myself. That if anything happened because of my heat, it would be on me.”

What a terrible thing to say to a teenage omega. Most cases of assault among the youth were due to unanticipated heat, and teenagers being unable to fight off their instincts, and it was closely monitored in school. It used to be the leading idea, that omegas were responsible for their own fate. That if they went into heat at the wrong place and time, they couldn't blame the alpha around them for reacting to it.

But that was decades ago, and Kim didn't even think there were still people to think like this. Pheromones and cycles are not receivable as a defense in cases of sexual assault nowadays. The consensus being that they are not, in fact, wild animals.

“I never thought that we… that it would do that to you. I didn’t mean–“

Kenta gives a light push into Kim’s neck, just to stop him.

“It’s not your fault.”

It’s said with feelings this time, with determination and indulgence. Kim can believe it then.

“You’ve done nothing wrong by me, nothing. I was just scared, I didn’t- I didn’t want to risk it. But I didn’t realize how much it helped to have you around. Even if you stayed away. When you left earlier, I–“

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know- I should have said something.”

Kenta sits up a fraction, just so he can look at Kim’s face, and then he leans in, presses their lips together, languid and soft. The rush of the heat is muted despite it all, emotions too high to leave much room for much else.

“I trust you. I do, with everything. And my body too. Even like this.”

Another kiss, another. Kim is getting heady.

“You know we don’t have to do anything, right? I didn’t mean to make you feel- I just wanted to take care of you.”

“I know. Jeff told me. He- he said he hated having sex when he’s in heat. Feels degrading to him, even now. But that it wasn’t all this was about, all you would ask for. That we wouldn’t, if I didn’t want to.”

“Of course. Of course, I wouldn’t- Never. If you don’t want-”

Kenta kisses him again, more insistent this time, intent. Kim is helpless against him, following every cue, completely at his mercy.

“And if I do?”

Kim groans, and drops his head against the headboard hard enough to make him wince, as he tries to calm himself down for completely different reasons now. Kenta’s scent has lost its notes of distress, and he smells so, so good.

“Whatever you want. Whatever.”

Kenta takes one of Kim’s hands in his to guide them down his back, to cup his ass over his boxer.

It’s soaked.

“Fuck.”

How is he supposed to resist that?

“Don’t,” Kenta said, so he must have asked out loud.

“Are you sure?”

“Please. I don’t want to leave anything back there. I want it back. You want it too, right?”

Kim laughs, though it's a little strangled. He can seldom think of anything he's ever wanted more, and Kenta damn well knows it, acting all sweet and coy now. Kim loves him like this, playful and demanding, free of doubt at last.

“Alpha,” he teases. “Please make me feel good.”

Kim is helpless to him.

It’s true what they say – it really does make the sex different. Kenta is oversensitive and it makes him both needy and exigent, commanding Kim in ways he never dared to before. And Kim is all too eager to bend to his every wish. He feels wild and overexcited, like he could go like this for days. He wants to worship every inch of Kenta’s skin, draw every possible sound from his mouth, drink him in, eat him whole. Both of their stamina is off the chart, and they don’t leave the bedroom for the rest of the day.

.

“That was irresponsible of you.”

The doctor is not smiling now, he's frowning at them both with disappointment and reprimand. Kim feels like a schoolboy getting scolded, but at least he's holding Kenta's hand this time.

“We know. We’re sorry.”

"Kenta, you went into heat, so you knew your medication wasn't working properly. That included its contraceptive properties. Having unprotected sex in this state was..."

Kim's face is on fire and he's too embarrassed to keep listening. He never even had that kind of talk with his own parents. He supposes being a healthcare professional makes it quite mundane.

And they’re well aware. After coming down from their high and bliss, it had been time for quiet panic. But the test was negative. A good thing they didn’t have time to properly think about the potential implications.

The doctor sighs with the long-suffering of a man who has made the same speech hundreds of times. But he loses some of his sternness after that.

“So, Kenta. You want to stop taking blockers altogether, right?”

They exchange a brief glance. Kim nods in encouragement.

"Yes. I've thought it through."

“Alright. It’s better not to get completely off right away. Just like last time, you'll need time to adjust. We'll go with a lower dosage for now. You still intend to take contraceptives though?"

Kim splutters and Kenta’s eyes widen in shock. They have not nearly approached this conversation yet. The doctor smiles, amused.

"Let's say yes. It will always be time to think about it later. It has no consequences on your future plans. Here you go, and something for you too, Kim. It’s a common effort after all.”

This is beyond mortifying.

Kenta snatches the prescription paper and all but runs out of the office. Kim makes their goodbye, though he much wants to do the same.

“I’m glad you could sort it out,” the man says. “Don’t hesitate if you need anything else.”

“Thank you. Sir. Goodbye, sir."

He finds Kenta sitting on a bench outside, head in his hands, staring at the ground. He rushes to him, worried, but when Kenta looks up, he’s not crying like he feared.

He's just very red.

“Sorry, that was…”

They stare at each other, and then they start to laugh. They are both adults, how come they are so shy with this? But it’s exciting and new to both of them, this joint living, this future. All the possibilities, all the choices they will have to make. Together.

“Let’s go home,” Kenta says, with his soft smile and laughing eyes, full of tenderness and joy.

Kim takes his hand.