Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

True to his word, Tsutsujimori greets him the next morning as if nothing happened. He just goes on to make breakfast, humming while he makes it and not paying Tsunehiro much more attention.

Tsunehiro is still kinda groggy, just sitting under the blanket on his futon. As he remembers more and more what happened last night, he feels more and more embarrassed. He can’t believe he just kissed him that shamelessly, and then Tsutsujimori—Takaaki had to console him afterward, even though if anything it should have been the other way around.

After showering, he sits down at the table for breakfast. Takaaki is just eating like normal, watching a fishing video on his phone, angled so that Tsunehiro could watch, too, if he wanted to. He's acting like everything is normal, even though Tsunehiro is so embarrassed he can barely look him in the face.

Why does he seem so unaffected while Tsunehiro is still hung up over it? Isn't he the one who’s supposed to like him?

Tsunehiro rubs his fingers anxiously. Honestly, he would feel a lot better if they just did it. Takaaki was acting like kissing or whatever when Tsunehiro doesn't like him would be such a bad thing, but Tsunehiro doesn't think it would be that big of a deal. Better than just knowing Takaaki likes him and not being able to do anything about it.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Takaaki, gesturing with his chopsticks. "It's gonna get cold."

Tsunehiro blinks and pinches himself to try and snap himself out of it, and then drinks a little of the miso soup. "Thank you, Takaaki," he says, and watches to see if Takaaki reacts to the use of his given name, but he doesn't.

Tsunehiro keeps on eating breakfast slowly, but the taste barely registers on his tongue. How is Takaaki acting so normally? He takes another few bites and then sets his plate and chopsticks down.

"If you really like me,” Tsunehiro says, “then why don't you want to do anything with me?" He realizes belatedly that his tone of voice sounds somewhat accusatory, but he's just curious.

Takaaki sets down his chopsticks with a clink and sighs. "You're still gonna bring this up? Didn't we agree to forget about it?"

"You said that," Tsunehiro mumbles. "I didn't agree."

Takaaki presses his lips into a thin line. "Still,” he says, and laughs shortly. “Could you drop it? You don't have to keep torturing me."

"It's not like I'm trying to do that!" Tsunehiro says. "I'm just saying, I'd be okay kissing you if that's what you wanted. And, um, I'd even be willing to try, uh, h-having sex with you, if, uh—"

Takaaki almost chokes on his food. When he steadies himself, he looks again at Tsunehiro, his face kinda red. "You've really put a lot of thought into this, huh."

Tsunehiro nods stiffly, hoping that Takaaki will finally understand his resolve. "I have."

Takaaki sighs again, running a hand through his hair. "Hiro, the physical stuff isn't what matters most to me. I don’t just like you for your body. If you're just 'okay' with it, then I don't wanna do any of that with you."

Tsunehiro blinks.

"Uh, why?" he blurts out.

Takaaki furrows his eyebrows. "Why don't I want to force you into it?" he asks, and lets out a strangled laugh. "Wow, Hiro, you've been saying all these nice things about me, but is your opinion of me really that low—"

"Not that!" Tsunehiro insists, cutting him off before he can misunderstand more. "I mean, why do you like me, if it isn't for... I mean, it's not like I'm particularly physically attractive, but I figure everyone has their types, even if it doesn't make sense, so sure, maybe. But for my personality... there's like, nothing to like."

Takaaki’s expression softens.

"Honestly, I don't really get it, either," he says thoughtfully. "When I first met you, I thought you were reckless and irresponsible, and honestly kinda stupid."

Tsunehiro laughs a little. He can't really argue with that.

"But as I got to know you, I realized that you were more than that," Takaaki continues, earnestly, "Even though you weren't really interested in fishing, you still listened carefully when we taught you and tried to learn seriously. And you’ve been persistent in learning, both about fishing and for Everymart, even though a lot of other people would have quit by now. You’re much more earnest than I was expecting."

Tsunehiro shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. Listening carefully, studying, and learning persistently—those are all things that anyone can do. It doesn’t make him special. If Takaaki started liking him for reasons like that, he’s just deluding himself, getting baited.

"And, well, I've been living by myself for a while now, and I've gotten used to it, but living with you is much more fun. Sure, it can kinda be a pain sometimes, but it’s like having a stray cat. It feels good when you open up to me and I like having the company. I just can't leave you alone anymore."

So he likes him because they live together. It doesn't particularly matter that he’s Tsunehiro, just that he's here. If he picked up anyone else out of the water, he would’ve started liking them, instead. "Are you sure that's not, like, Stockholm Syndrome?"

Takaaki snorts. At least he’s being entertained by this. "Wouldn’t it be the other way around?” he says. “You're not the one keeping me here."

“I guess,” Tsunehiro mutters.

Takaaki looks at him gently. "Is it that hard to believe that I’d like you?" he asks.

Tsunehiro freezes up under his gaze. He looks so overwhelmingly kind, but with a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. Tsunehiro feels uncomfortably warm, like his insides are melting. He’s never been faced with this kind of emotion before.

“You... actually like me," he realizes. As a person.

Takaaki could do so much better than him. He has the looks, and the charm, and he was actually popular enough to be the number one host of his club. Being liked by a person like that, it... doesn't feel too bad, actually, it’s rather kinda flattering, but—

Realization washes over him like cold water. If he actually likes him, Tsunehiro, as a person and not just as a charity project, then it's gonna be so, so much worse for him when he dies. To devote so much into a person and then lose them, that fast.

Tsunehiro’s fingers dig into the fabric of his pants. “Why?” he says.

It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it before. He knows that Takaaki and everyone from Everymart are going to mourn his death. But he always figured that it wouldn’t be too bad, because at the most he was just a friendly coworker to them.

He didn’t want to think about it, but it’s catching up with him now how irresponsible he’s been. He’s been so preoccupied with finally having a community and being able to enjoy day-to-day life that he hasn’t stopped to fully consider how his death would impact them.

And if Takaaki likes him like that, that much, then it’s going to be so, so, so much worse for him.

Tsunehiro feels his breath start to quicken. He doesn’t want to do that to him. He should never have let him get close to him. If only he had properly died when he tried to hang himself, or if he drowned before Takaaki and the others could fish him out of the water.

“I just told you, didn’t I?” Takaaki says. His voice sounds distant. “Well, I guess it’s kinda like fishing. It’s hard to really explain. But—”

“Hiro? Are you okay?” Takaaki says. “You don’t look so good.”

Tsunehiro feels him put a hand on his shoulder and he snaps back to reality, coming face to face with Takaaki, whose eyes are full of concern. He feels sick. He pushes Takaaki’s hand away and clambers to his feet, rushed with dizziness like he’s gonna fall over.

“Stomachache,” he lies, and rushes to shut himself in the bathroom. Once inside, he collapses, sitting against the door, curling up on himself, trying to steady his breathing. He hears Takaaki’s voice dimly through the bathroom door, but he clamps his hands over his ears and tries not to pay attention.

For both of their sakes, he has to stop this.

Tsunehiro starts increasing his shifts. Machida is initially a little hesitant to give him as many shifts as he's asking, but he folds without much struggle after Tsunehiro digs his foot in.

His priority, he’s decided, is to move out quickly. After he pays back his debt, he can quit the job at Everymart and find a different one. That way, he can distance himself from Takaaki and everyone else, and they'll have time to stop caring about him before he dies—if he’s lucky, they won’t even notice when he’s gone.

He stops going with everyone on fishing excursions, either encouraging them to go during his shifts or claiming he's too tired. He tries to avoid eating dinner with Takaaki, trying to rush to eat before he gets back home or staying out so late that he doesn't need to.

He can tell that they're worried about him. Ayukawa seems flabbergasted that anyone could give up on fishing like that, Nishimori continues inviting him to hang out with them, Arua keeps offering him extra food, Ice takes over whenever he gets problematic customers on their shifts together, and Machida looks increasingly concerned whenever he prints out the week’s time schedule. Even Fujishiro has started giving him more unsolicited advice disguised in fishing metaphors.

And Takaaki, Takaaki looks concerned almost every time he looks at him. He invites him along to almost everything, from fishing trips to meals out to hangouts with his college friends, even though Tsunehiro refuses him every single time. He’s started waking up earlier so that they can eat breakfast together more often, he keeps on leaving prepared food in the fridge for him, and he’s started to get paranoid whenever Tsunehiro stays out later than expected. And, most tellingly, he’s stopped touching Tsunehiro, at all.

But their concern just shows precisely why he needs to distance himself from them. It might be painful now, but it’ll save them the grief later. He just wishes he could have realized and caught himself earlier.

"Hey, Hiro. We were planning on going to fish mackerel now, wanna join us?" Takaaki asks him one day after work. Ayukawa and Nishimori are with him, watching Tsunehiro expectantly.

Tsunehiro shakes his head. "I'm getting tired, I'm probably gonna go home and sleep."

"Okay, rest well," Takaaki says with false brightness, almost hiding his disappointment. He doesn't even have work today, there's no reason for him to be at Everymart, so he probably bothered meeting here just to invite him.

Ayukawa frowns visibly. "Really? Is that more important than fishing?"

Nishimori tugs on Ayukawa’s hand. “Sasaki-kun’s been very tired recently, we should let him be. Maybe he’ll come next time. Right, Sasaki-kun?”

"Right," Tsunehiro says emptily, and waves them off. "See you."

Once they're gone, Tsunehiro breathes a sigh of relief. It's not like he doesn't want to go. He does. But he needs to distance himself from them, and he does need the extra rest, too, now that he's working more. So it's better this way.

Once he gets back to Takaaki’s apartment, he collapses onto the couch. Setting the two little plushies gently on the floor, he hugs Kumanyan, squishing it, and then pulls out his phone to browse through fishing videos and social media.

He doesn't end up falling asleep by the time Takaaki comes back, still just scrolling on his phone, but Takaaki graciously doesn't comment on it.

Takaaki sets down the ice box. "I brought some mackerel back, you want any?"

"Ate earlier," Tsunehiro lies. He doesn't have the right to be treated this nicely by him.

"Tell me if you change your mind," Takaaki says, and sets the container down on the kitchen counter. He pulls out a cutting board and starts chopping the mackerel.

Tsunehiro goes back to ignoring him, looking back at his phone. He doesn't want to look at fishing videos when Takaaki is around, in case he sees his screen, so he switches to reading manga.

When Takaaki is done preparing his fish, he sits at the table, across from the couch. He looks at Tsunehiro as he eats the mackerel, and Tsunehiro pretends to not notice him staring. Finally, after a long hesitation, he asks, "Aren't you getting tired?"

Tsunehiro shifts a little from his position on the couch, hugging Kumanyan tight and burying his face in the back of its head. "I took a nap earlier," he lies, mumbling into its fur.

"No, I mean—” Takaaki pauses, choosing his words. “You're taking pretty long shifts every day of the week, and you're always too busy or too tired to go out fishing with us. Have you been doing okay?"

"Yeah," Tsunehiro says stiffly.

“Be honest,” Takaaki presses. “Have—have you been avoiding me?”

In all honesty, he’s surprised he didn’t ask about this earlier. Tsunehiro’s grip on his phone tightens. “I’m not.”

"Really?" Takaaki asks. "It's not because you feel uncomfortable around me?" He falters, biting his lip, and starts again. “Look, I’m really sorry. It was shitty of me to confess to you when you’re still dependent on me. But it doesn’t have to change anything for you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Tsunehiro says. He shouldn’t have to apologize for that.

Takaaki continues. “If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s okay. I’ll stop bothering you. But I don’t think it’s worth sacrificing your health and wellbeing to get out of here faster. There’s no rush. I’m not going to do anything to you.”

“I’m not worried about that,” Tsunehiro says. He’s the one who practically forced himself onto Takaaki a few weeks ago. Although he can see how Takaaki would come to that conclusion, since Tsunehiro seemingly had a panic attack and started distancing himself right after Takaaki confessed to him. But maybe it's better that Takaaki thinks he's homophobic, so that he’ll stop liking him.

“Then what are you worried about?” Takaaki asks.

"Shouldn’t you be happy?” Tsunehiro mutters. “I'm earning money faster."

“Well, I'm glad you're being more proactive about it, and I know I told you I'd rather you focused on earning money, but I'm not in that much of a rush for you to pay me back. It's not worth you overworking yourself."

Tsunehiro scrolls down his phone, trying to read the manga faster and put Takaaki's words out of his mind, but he can barely even register what's happening to the characters.

"Maybe you don't care, but I’m in a rush," he says, and doesn't elaborate. He wishes Takaaki would stop prying. It's not like he wants to behave like this, but it's in Takaaki's best interest.

"And I’m asking you, why?" Takaaki says.

"I just don't wanna be a burden on you for much longer," Tsunehiro says.

He's saying something normal, but this only serves to make Takaaki look more worried. He doesn't seem that convinced.

"Yeah, but you didn't seem to care when you bought the Exceed. What's with the sudden change of heart?"

Tsunehiro tries to ignore him out of the corner of his eye, focusing on staring at the manga panel that he's not even registering anymore. "I just want to get out of here faster," he says quietly.

Takaaki's face crumples a little. "Oh," he says quietly. “Okay.” He puts a piece of fish in his mouth and chews as he thinks. He can almost mask the hurt in his voice. "Well, once you're close to paying your debt back, I can help you go apartment hunting."

Tsunehiro shakes his head. "It's fine."

Why, why does he have to even be nice about this? But it only goes to show, if Takaaki is left to his own devices, he'll just give, give, give and let Tsunehiro drain him empty, and then he won't get anything back when Tsunehiro dies.