Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

˚E˚L˚L˚I˚E˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚˚

Ellie woke up to the sound of rapping on the door. The corners of her place refused to stay where they belonged, first rising then dipping, as if the garage was a ball bouncing away. Cruel brightness came through the lamp and window as the rat-tat-tat drilled into her skull. 

She slid off the couch. Too cold. Too smooth. Not like his skin. Not like the warmth he had filled her with, or his nurturing presence that had held her just a few minutes ago. It hadn’t been real. Or this wasn’t real. One of them had to be lying. Why else would she black out? His absence pressed in like a void. 

“Coming.”

Every move came with a sharp ‌р‌⃥‍u‍ا​⃨‍‍ʂẽ‍ under her ribs, a reminder of the shape of those fists. She forced a ‘fuck’ out behind clenched teeth. A small part of her hoped it was him behind the door. 

“Joel?”

As Ellie pushed the door open, her hope was snuffed out by a cold wave of emptiness which caused her face to fall.

“Morning sleepyhead.” Dina flashed her a smile. “Thanks for dumping me and our date.”

“Where the fuck is Joel?” Ellie asked, her voice cracking with quaking panic as she almost stepped past Dina like she were indistinguishable from all the snow around her. “Just please tell me… is he okay?”

Dina’s brows pinched together. 

“He’s perfectly fine, just getting checked by the town doc, the same one who was here minutes ago. Speaking ​ọ‌͝‌f, you look like shit El.”

Ellie exhaled all the tension and grimaced as she stepped back. “No need to be jealous of my looks Dee.” 

“No, I mean that bruise.” Dina pointed at the reddish purple spot under Ellie’s eye. “I saw Joel carry you all the way here. What the fuck happened?”

Ellie eased the door ajar, making enough room for her to enter. She took some coffee beans (which she had scavenged from Joel’s kitchen right before leaving his house, along with a few of his shirts) and poured them all into her mug where they got mixed with hot water. Nice and warm, just like her stove… and him.

Dina sat on the couch close to the wood-burning stove. Elliе joined h‌‌еr‍ and startеd sipping. 

“We ran into these motherfuckers who were after Joêl.” Ellie's fingers tightened around the mug to prevent her hands from shaking.

“Gosh, who were they?”

“Doesn’t matter. They’re gone now.” Nick, Leah, and Manny, candles she blew out to stop a fire from spreading. It was either them or him.

Dina looked the same, dark brown eyes that twinkled with mischief, soft raven waves that brushed against Ellie’s cheeks in the past and smelled like grease or crushed Juniper berries on better days, and a bright smile that melted any bitterness, any bitterness except the one that had clung to Ellie’s soul and had left a permanent scar on her ever since that wretched day. The fẹẹ| of something brushing against her bare wrist broke her spell of introspection.

Ellie glanced down. “What’s this?” she asked as Dina slid a bracelet onto her wrist, the one not holding her mug. She already knew what it was for, but it was better than foraying into the past, both distant and recent.

“It’s for good luck.”

“I don’t believe in luck.”

David of all people had been right about this one.

“Well I do. What’re you drinking?”

“Coffee.”

“Oh, isn’t Joel all about his coffee?”

“You kidding me? He traded half his stuff for a bag of beans… and I helped myself to some.”

“I never got it. It tastes like bird shit.”

Ellie cradled the mug in both hands, thumb tracing the rim. The sips s‌о‌​f‍t‍‌ened her, loosening something in her chest, like the first word of all their conversations on the road. It tasted deep, rich, like those silent cries and the night they had spent tangled in and fed back to each other, meeting like fabric torn and re-sewn.

 
“I think it will start to grow on you.” 

She took out her journal and sketched the curve of the shoulders that had carried her when she could no longer stand, the hands that had taught her how to aim with a rifle, the eyes that she saw in her dreams and memories. His face came to her better than her own.  Line by line she gave form to the chaos and the sanctuary, the flame and the harbor.‌ Not just a protector. Not just her man. He was the axis her world turned on, and with each stroke, she mapped the weight of him. 
Dina’s eyes fell on the drawing. 

“You guys good?”

“Yeah.” Ellie said, her voice flat as her eyes darted to the floor.

“I did notice. You’re not gonna believe what I found on patrol.”

“Let me guess. Eugene’s grow house?”

“Dude, you worked with him? Why'd you never tell me?”

“No, actually I was gonna tell Maria.” Ellie didn’t laugh, but her eyes gleamed like she wanted to. 

“Bummer. Take a look.” Dina took out a blunt and lit it. “Want some?”

Anything to take the edge off.

“Joel and Maria will kill me, but I don’t see why not.” Ellie took a hit of the joint and exhaled, then handed it back t‌​o Dina.

“So, scale of one to ten, how would you rate our kiss?”

Ellie’s mind went back to Joel as she pressed her thighs together, Joel who somehow occupied her mind more than ever, like ink blots in her diary, and she couldn’t help but wish he’d do things to her again. If Joel were the Cordyceps and Ellie hadn’t been immune, she’d let him penetrate every pore in her body and—

“Ellie.”

“What?”

“I asked you to rate our kiss.”

Ellie kept her eyes on the drawing. “I’d give it a four.”

She could feel Dina’s gaze on her skin as she smoked.

“Yeah, can’t really blame you. Sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you in front of all those people.”

“It’s fine,” Ellie said with an even voice as she cross-hatched Ʝ‌̇‌‌ö​͑‌​ε​l’‍s portrait. 

The same day, the very same hour she and Dina had been making out and getting hands on, Joel was getting clubbed to death.

“What if I made it up to you?” Dina cupped Ellie’s chin, tilting her face toward her own as she leaned in for a kiss. Ellie closed her eyes. The moment Dina’s lips met hers, she recoiled as though Dina had burnt her lips with the same lighter she had smoked the joint with.

Dina’s eyes widened and her face froze for a moment.

“Sorry, I’m just um…I’m taken.”

The corners of Dina’s mouth twitched down as she blinked, as if Ellie’s words took a second to land. Then the mask broke and her voice came out so small. “Oh? I’m guessing you and ‍Ƈ‍⃖ạ‌͑‍t​ got back together?”

“No, this person…,” Ellie wrung her hands. “I’ve actually known him for quite some time.”

“Him?” Dina’s eyebrows arched. “I thought boys weren’t your type.”

“They’re not,” Ellie agreed. 

This one’s a grown man who knows his stuff.

She licked her lips, and not because of the coffee. 

“Who's the mystery prince?”

“Prince?” Ellie laughed. “More like the big bad wolf.”

"Does Joel approve of him?"

Ellie's hand froze and the pencil dropped. "He better."

 “Is it the guy who can't keep his eyes off you at the bar?" 

Ellie gently shoved her. “Nope. Gross.”

“Oh my god, is it Jesse? I promise I won’t be mad.”

“No, Jesse and I are just friends. I promise.” 

“Then who is it?”

Ellie shifted a bit. “Wrong person. Right reasons. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Is this twenty questions or what?”

“Stop deflecting.  I  r‍ẹ​͔​à​l‍❘​‍‍y wanna know who he is.”

“I don’t think you do,” Ellie said, taking a long drag from the joint before handing it back. She lifted her mug and let a large mouthful of the coffee sit on her tongue, the bitter heat blooming across her taste buds.

“Look at me now. Well those eyes…” Dina stared at her intently. “They tell me you’ve had sex with him.”

Ellie spit out the coffee in her mouth and coughed heavily. “Jesus Dina! What the fuck?”

“Oh my god, you totally did you filthy little shit!”

Ellie crossed her arms and stood up. “Says the one who’s having a baby.”

Dina’s mouth opened, then shut again, soundless as she squinted at her. “I … what? Can’t believe you impregnated me.”

Ellie sighed.

“Is he good?” Dina teased.

“He’s terrible.” She hugged herself tighter.

“So terrible you keep staring out the window, wishing he was here instead of me? Maybe this will tell me.” Dina picked up Ellie’s diary and began flipping through the pages.

“HEY!” Ellie screamed and t​ackle​‍d her onto the couch, snatching the diary. She threw it into her backpack and zipped the backpack to sever Dina’s access.

“Sorry, sorry. Got you to make a move on me, at last!”

“Get off my back Dee. You’re overstaying your welcome.”

“I was gonna invite you to come sledding with us, but you can hang out with your wolf daddy I guess.” 

“He doesn’t want to see my fucking face ever again.” Ellie sat down on the couch, like the weight of it had finally won.  She had ruined everything. Her elbows hit her knees, and a moment later, she buried her face in her hands. Ellie wouldn’t cry for now. It sufficed to hide. From Dina. From the moment. From h‌erʂ‍̻​e​|f.​ 

“Not my problem.”

The part of her that still remembered his voice, low, steady, safe, screamed to run to him. To fall into his arms and beg him to forget everything. But another part whispered of consequences. Of Abby lurking somewhere outside Jackson.

“Oh it is your problem. I’m inviting myself along.”