Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1st June.

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling 

Just in case you guys forgot, Jay named a guitar after Heeseung. They literally have a child together! They are not divorced!!

3 reply | 75 retweets | 1.1k likes

“They think you’re divorced.”

Heeseung blinks in surprise then looks at Jay beside him who has his eyebrows furrowed together.

They share a glance before Heeseung returns his gaze back to their manager in front of them - face serious.

“Right, divorced… divorced?”

Jay interjects immediately, “They say that about a lot of couples-”

“Ships,” Heeseung corrects him immediately. 

Couple is a word used to describe an official relationship between two people, the usage of that word feels sacred somehow, an urban legend for idols like them.

“Yes, ships, pairs, OTP? Do they still use that word?”

“I’m unaware,” their manager explains, gesturing to them with one hand, “About these couple-”

“Ships,” Heeseung says, again.

“Ships stuff,” he rolls his eyes, “but the marketing team says that it would be good for your group. Increase in fans, increase in sales, increase revenue!”

Heeseung and Jay don’t share the same cheer. In fact, Jay looks oddly pale - like he might be sick. Heeseung is a bit hurt that being proposed to pretend being his significant other would make Jay feel this bad. To an extent, Heeseung understands that there will be resistance but to look like you might puke at any given minute makes something ugly and heavy settle in Heeseung’s stomach.

If Jay isn’t going to say anything about it, Heeseung will. 

“Respectfully,” Heeseung begins, “Me and Sunoo have been divorced for years. Engenes talk about it all the time.” 

Which is odd because he and Sunoo are still close, it's hard not to be when you spend all your time with each other - it’s just that they’re less expressive about their closeness on camera. 

Sitting in comfortable silence, showing a funny video to each other every once in a while is more of their love language.

“We thought about it,” the manager says casually. “It was either you two, or you,” he points to Heeseung “- with Sunoo. The long time divorcees finally patching things up?”

He fake gasps then points to Jay, “Or you with Jungwon. Clinging to each other all the time, could it be something more?" 

Heeseung smiles politely to stop himself from banging his head in front of everyone here. He doesn't want anyone, Jay especially, to think that he's uncool.

“But ultimately we decided on you two. Yay Heejay!”

“Why?” Jay finally croaks out.

Heeseung throws him a worried glance that Jay pointedly does not return.

“It was a 50-50 between all three, so we called in extra reinforcement to vote and here we are!”

The manager stands up and claps his hands. 

“So do what you have to, be a bit flirty,” he puts his palms near his lips like he’s saying something scandalous, “Just remember, no kissing!”

Heeseung feels his right eyebrow twitch in annoyance. The company isn’t asking for permission, it’s an order; they’re simply telling them what they have to do. 

He sighs, resigned. He tries to catch Jay’s eyes but he has a feeling that Jay does not want to look at him right now. 

Heeseung puts a hand on Jay’s shoulder. Finally, the younger one looks at him - eyes wide, biting his lip in worry and Heeseung can’t help the way his lips melt into a tiny smile. 

Jay is adorable in everything he does - even when he gets angry, he gets a bit stompy and pouts - even then he is adorable. And now with so much worry and anxiousness, it feels like looking at a small tired kitten.

“There,” their manager says suddenly, making them jump a bit.

“Just like that,” he points to them, then making a photograph gesture using his thumb and pointer finger with both hands to shape a square frame. “Exactly like that. Do that in front of the camera next time. Not too bold and just the right amount of subtlety.”

Heeseung bites his lips to stop himself from saying things he doesn't mean but Jay’s earnest voice fills the room.

“How about the other members? Do they know?”

The man just shrugs. “That's up to you two. Just make sure word doesn’t get out between you guys.”

Jay turns his wide eyes to Heeseung again, and Heeseung feels a sense of impending doom wash over him.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jay likes to tuck his hair behind his ear, a cute endearing habit. He does it all the time but he does it a lot especially when he’s nervous or shy. 

They're on their way back to the dorms, both silent. Heeseung has counted five hair-behind-ear-tucks from Jay and wonders if Jay ever had long hair for quite some time to develop that habit.

Heeseung racks his brain to try and find something to start a conversation but if he’s being honest, he’s too blindsided by their meeting before to even think straight. 

The only thing dividing them right now is the space in the middle between their seats but it’s an uncomfortable kind of quiet that Heeseung fights back the urge to move to the backseats so he can pretend to be asleep.

Sunoo had jokingly mentioned before about how one of his friends ended up being a therapist and Heeseung is seriously considering asking Sunoo about his contact to book a session just so he could sort out his mind.

“Hyung.”

Heeseung turns to Jay immediately, he can’t help it, drawn in like sunflower to the sun.

Misery loves company, Hybe loves overworking their artists and taking advantage of their fans - or however the saying goes.

“Hyung,” Jay repeats, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

Six, Heeseung counts. 

“What do we do?”

The scar running down the middle of Jay’s bottom lip has re-opened from how much Jay has bit down onto it earlier. Heeseung opens his mouth to respond but catches Jay picking off a dry patch of skin on his lips.

“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung can’t help but nag a little, instinctively reaching over to pry Jay’s hand away, “Stop that, your lip is bleeding again.”

“Oh,” Jay smiles sheepishly, embarrassed. 

Instead of pulling away from Heeseung’s touch, Jay only pulls away a little bit so he can intertwine their fingers together. Heeseung feels his hand frozen stiff but relaxes it by force when Jay gives Heeseung’s hand a squeeze. 

Jay licks his lips and Heeseung follows the motion before going back up to his eyes.

Jay has always been clingy, he lets other people cling to him and he clings to others too - like bubblegum, Heeseung thinks. But somehow this act feels a bit intimate after the recent news, as Heeseung dubs it in his head. 

“Hyung,” Jay whines this time, lips jutting out a bit in a pout. He squeezes Heeseung’s hand again.

Heeseung can feel the corner of his lips lift up, maybe this will be easier than I thought. 

“Don’t worry,” Heeseung reassures him, not even sure what he’s telling Jay to not worry about. 

“I don’t know what to do. What do we do?” Jay repeats his worries again.

Heeseung doesn't know either to be honest, but Jay is admitting this to him, sharing his worries, and chose - for one of the few times ever - to be vulnerable with Heeseung.

“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung swings their intertwined hands a bit, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out.”

Jay looks Heeseung in the eye. Heeseung holds the eye contact even when he feels warmth travelling up his neck.

“Hyung, do you really think this is a good idea?”

No, Heeseung wants to reply, this is a horrible idea.

Heeseung wants to joke about being careful of trucks being sent with their huge blaring neon signs but decides against it. That seems like the kind of joke he can probably tell Ni-ki and Jake, but the rest would actually get worried. 

He can imagine Sunghoon furrowing his eyebrows, his features contorted in concern, ‘hyung, i think you should talk to somebody’, he’ll say. Silly and serious at the same time.

“Just the right amount of subtlety, remember?” Heeseung reminds Jay, “It’s not like we have to kiss in front of the camera.”

Jay looks away. Heeseung is afraid he had said the wrong thing when he sees Jay’s cheeks turning pink and Heeseung lets out a soft laugh when Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear again.

Seven times.

Heeseung looks outside his window, they’re nearing their dorm - home, where five other people are waiting for them. 

“Don’t worry,” Heeseung repeats the same mantra. “We’ll figure it out, we always do.”

Jay squeezes his hand in response. Heeseung smiles, how hard can it be? 

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

“This is so fucking hard.” Heeseung groans to himself. 

He and Jay had both agreed to write down their plans and ideas then meet up at Jay’s room tomorrow morning to brainstorm together. They’ve decided against telling anyone else at the moment, but it’s something they have to think about again. Keeping such a big secret could backfire at any time. 

And maybe the other members could share their ideas too, Heeseung thinks to himself. (Bad idea.)

He thought writing it on his bed would help him feel more relaxed, there has to be a psychological phenomenon where being in bed helps you right?

It feels more ironic given how his notebook is a company gift to them years ago, an ugly grey with the words Belift written in a boring font smacked in the middle of the cover.

He glances back down to his notebook in front of him. He had divided the page into three parts,

Questions.

1. What do we do?
2. Who do we tell? (Jungwon, Jake, Sunghoon, Sunoo, Ni-ki, Heedo?)
3. How regularly do we have to post each other? Should we post each other?
4. What is too much? What are you uncomfortable doing?

Ideas.

1. Don’t tell Ni-ki and Jake, they talk too much
2. Make more eye contact
3. SUBTLE!!!
4. Hold hands. Sometimes
5. Look for fan edits (Maybe have someone filter the videos first, nothing too weird)
6. Definitely tell Jungwon - make him filter the edits

Plans?

1. Go on dates?
2. Post pictures of each other
3. Point at #heejay banners during concerts 
4. Mention Jay in interviews
5. Share a room during trips? (make a post saying jay is the best roommate) the members will find it weird

“Mention the other in interviews…” Heeseung mutters to himself, “Don’t I already do that too much?”

Jungwon had shown everyone a five minute compilation of all the members calling Jay’s name even when Jay wasn't around and he had the epiphany that yeah, they do in fact, do that a lot. But it’s mostly Jungwon.

Heeseung scribbles a note beside that idea.

4. Mention Jay in interviews (more than Jungwon does)

“There.” Heeseung gives up and flops down on his pillow. 

It’s fine, he tells himself, as long as he puts in enough effort - smile a little bigger, let his hands linger a little longer, stare a few seconds too long - it would work out.

The only reference he has is his crush from high school and even then it wasn’t intense. It wasn't even normal.

It was short and fleeting like taking care of an injured bird - not enough knowledge, lots of trials, mistakes, and knowing right from the start that it won't last. And sometimes they die.

Heeseung's injured bird had died.

There's another thing nagging at the back of his mind, something that Heeseung had spent years tempering down so they never come back. That Heeseung absolutely refuses to acknowledge, even now. 

Jay, something tugs at Heeseung’s heart strings, Jay isn't fleeting .

Heeseung reminds himself to ask for Sunoo's friend's number.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jay clears his throat. Heeseung looks at him expectantly. 

They’re sitting across each other in Jay’s room, a plush in each of their laps. For moral support, Jay had said and Heeseung couldn’t help the way his hands itch to touch Jay’s hair, to pat him and tousle his hair in a bout of cuteness aggression. 

“Uh, so,” Jay is nervous, Heeseung can tell - three hair tucks, and one hand fisting the poor deer plushie on his lap.

“Feel free to tell me if any of these makes you uncomfortable.”

Heeseung nods.

“First of all. Hold Heeseung hyungs’s hand a bunch of times. Have sleepovers.”

Heeseung waits for more but Jay doesn’t say anything. Heeseung tilts his head to the side so the notepad doesn't obscure his view of Jay anymore.

“Jongseong?”

Jay slowly puts down the notepad. Face flushed and hands a bit shaky. He nods to himself and Heeseung can’t help the giggles escaping him.

“Stop,” Jay says, scowling, “Shut up. This is hard. I’ve never done this.”

“Neither have I!”

“Okay well let’s see yours.”

Heeseung passes Jay his notebook easily, letting the younger one read from it.

“Jungwon doesn’t say my name that much,” Jay says, but his tone suggests otherwise. “And I think Jungwon would send the weirdest edits ever.”

“People like weird things,” Heeseung counters.

“Do you think we should regularly post each other? We’re too busy to even upload a selfie.”

“Cross that out then.” 

Jay does it quietly.

“I don’t get the sleepover part,” Heeseung admits, “We’re already housemates.”

Jay lifts his hand up to tuck his hair behind his ear.

Four.

“I was thinking we could,” Jay pauses, “Sleep together.”

Immediately Jay turns into a frenzy. His hands fly all over in front of him, nearly dislocating his plushie from his lap.

“Not- No. Not that way,” Jay’s eyes are wide, panicked, his whole face red - Heeseung feels the corner of his mouth lift up. “Never, I mean. Not never but. Yeah...”

This time Heeseung lets his instinct take over, reaching over to ruffle Jay’s hair.

“I get it. Like a sleepover with friends. Same room. Is that it?”

Jay nods, slumping in relief. He shrugs.

“Night time is usually more intimate, it’s when one is more vulnerable or something. It’s- Do you think it’s a good idea?”

Heeseung thinks about it seriously.

There's this weird fuzzy feeling buzzing his blood anytime Jay asks him for reassurance. Heeseung ignores it.

Jay and Heeseung rarely share a room on trips. Everyone seems to have their assigned partners - Jungwon and Jay, Ni-ki and Jake, Sunghoon with either Sunoo or Heeseung.

Him. Jay. One room. Okay.

One bed? Heeseung feels himself freaking out a bit at that. Jay hasn't said it but wouldn't it be weird to let Jay sleep on the floor? 

“Yeah,” Heeseung says casually, even though his mind is stuck on one bed, one bed, one bed.

Jay peers up at Heeseung with his wide sparkly eyes. The sense of impending doom washes over Heeseung again. Damnit.

“You can say no if you don’t want to hyung, I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not,” Heeseung immediately denies, “I mean it.” 

“You can even come over anytime you want.” What the hell am I saying. 

Heeseung wants to take it all back, wants to trade his lies for honesty because Jay would understand, right? He always does. But then he sees the giddiness blooming on Jay’s face and his heart restricts in his chest. 

“You’re the best Heeseungie hyung.” 

Too late.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

They manage the sleepover on Tuesday, just two days after the meeting. Heeseung had pushed all thoughts about this marketing strategy to the back of his mind - his head is already muddled with other thoughts: their comeback, their surprise cover, future events.

It was all overwhelming that when Tuesday came around, Heeseung was actually glad to have a distraction in the form of Park Jongseong. 

When Jay had dragged his comforter to Heeseung’s room, Sunghoon had looked at them suspiciously. Heeseung wasn’t sure how to dodge the question of ‘what are you guys doing?’ but Jay had given him an impressively aggressive middle finger that started a bickering so out of topic.

“You’re just mad that Heeseung hyung didn’t invite you to our slumber party.”

“Are you 12?” Sunghoon had bristled, like an angry puppy. “Heeseung hyung is probably just being considerate about you being scared of the dark!”

“I am not scared of the dark!”

Jay gawks at him and slams the door in his face. Then he threw a sheepish smile at Heeseung.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “Your door is fine.”

Heeseung helps Jay tug the comforter - filled with two pillows and three plushies in the middle - near the bed and starts to lift it up when Jay stops him.

“No,” Jay says as he spreads the comforter. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“No way.” Heeseung takes one side of the comforter to lug it on his bed but Jay jumps in the middle, weighing it down.

“Hyung” Jay whines, “I love sleeping on the floor.”

“No you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” Jay agrees, “But I take up so much space when I sleep. What if I push you off the bed?”

“The floor is bad for your body.”

“Just tonight, if I manage to sleep on one side and not ransack your room, we’ll sleep together next time.”

Heeseung thinks about Jay’s body pushing against him again, probably warm and- 

“Just this one time,” Heeseung agrees, turning to his bed immediately, heart racing and face red. 

He flops head down on his pillow and hears Jay laugh in the background. He closes his ears, praying Jay doesn't see the red climbing up.

“I’m closing the lights.” Jay announces as the room turns dark. 

Heeseung lets himself roll over to face the ceiling, grateful that Jay wouldn’t be able to see his face.

Why the hell did his mind even go there? 

It’s not like this will be the first time they slept together. Heeseung had thought about stuff like this before (being intimate with someone) but only shallowly, a passing thought and something he quickly banished to the back of his mind. 

Heeseung was afraid to unravel his own mind, to find the answers he had put to rest. Afraid of things he could never have, not in this lifetime as an idol. Holding hands on a date, slow dancing in the kitchen, taking a late night walk together - everything people talk about in love songs - forbidden.

And those thoughts were a thing of the past, when they first debuted. When Heeseung’s mind ran 1000 km per second, overthinking and overanalyzing everything - his fans, staff, members.

And Jay, fuck, it’s complicated. 

Heeseung feels his stomach twist uncomfortably, Jongseong is right, night time makes people vulnerable. Heeseung is not ready to face the demons he buried years ago. Not now.

Not when he finally feels some sense of normalcy in his life.

Heeseung prays he gets to sleep. And his demons too. He ignores the small disappointment creeping up at the lack of a warm body beside him.

“I’m glad my birthday is over."

Heeseung looks over and down at Jay, his eyebrows raising in question.

Jay looks so tiny swamped in his comforter and surrounded by his plushies - a black cat, a bear and a large avocado. He’s on his stomach, scrolling through his phone.

His screen lights up his face so Heeseung can see the smile on his face.

“You don’t need to overthink it and I have a lot of time to think about yours.” Jay chirps happily, “No offense hyung, but you suck at birthday posts. That’s why you have so many divorce allegations.”

Heeseung turns back to the ceiling and groans.

“I already said it in front of you guys, what’s the hurry in posting it? Actions speak louder than words, isn’t that the saying? Since when does a twitter post speak louder?”

Jay laughs at Heeseung’s lame joke.

“Posting about it before the day ends means you care enough to be on time,” Jay answers truthfully.

“So you’re saying I don’t care enough?” Heeseung teases.

“Ah hyung,” Heeseung can hear the pout in his reply, “I’m just saying what people think. I know you care. A lot.”

Heeseung feels himself smiling. “I can’t wait for next week, I’m excited to see what Engenes think.”

“I’m kinda scared,” Jay admits truthfully. 

Is this the heart to heart talk?

“You’ll do great,” Heeseung reassures him, “You always do. You exceed everyone’s expectations each time.”

“Yeah?” 

Heeseung can hear the hope in Jay’s voice.

“Yeah. And they’ll love Helium, we already do. Sunghoon sings it everyday. Hell, I sing it a lot too. It’s amazing.” You’re amazing, the words seem to come easy.

“Nothing will beat Highway 1009, my favourite song,” Jay laughs softly, the way he always does when something makes him happy, under his breath and never too loud.

“You have bad taste. My favourite is Helium, the best producer produced it.”

Jay laughs loudly this time and Heeseung closes his eyes. 

See? Easy, he tells himself. This marketing strategy is going to work just fine.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jay and Heeseung both agree that they’ll choose one day per week for a sleepover, and it can be any day. Choosing just one day won’t work with how unpredictable and full their schedules are. 

Heeseung feels like he can barely breathe the next few days, everyday blurring together into practice, eating and sleeping. The only notifications in their group chat are reminders of their schedule tomorrow, as if no one even had the time to scroll through their phones. 

The anticipation is suffocating.

Heeseung glances down at his phone when a notification pops in. He had just finished showering and was about to head to the kitchen to ransack their fridge for something edible.

🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️

June 4

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encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Our leader Jungwon

Dinner for seven~ come to our floor i ordered for everyone [21:13]

[picture of food on their dining table] [21:13]

me:

Yayy [21:17]

Pyeonyuk prince

OMW [21:18]

Jaeyunnie

Don’t let Sunoo steal the mozzarella sticks!!![21:19]

Ni-ki 💪

ok [21:21]

Sunoooo

Give me the mozzarella sticks. 😡 [21:21]

Heeseung waits for Jay to reply his confirmation but after five minutes has passed, he pockets his phone and heads for Jay’s room. The younger man is probably asleep from exhaustion.

“Jongseong?” Heeseung knocks on the door four times. Nothing. Silence. 

Heeseung sees Sunghoon and Ni-ki speeding past him, screeching as they probably try to race each other.

“I’m coming in,” Heeseung warns.

Heeseung tries the doorknob and lo and behold, the door opens to Jay standing on the other side, surprised. His hand is also on the doorknob on the other side.

“Hyung,” Jay blinks in surprise.

“I knocked but you didn’t say anything, you okay?” Heeseung leans down a bit to look at Jay’s face closer only for the younger to duck away.

“I’m fine,” Jay pauses, absentmindedly reaching for one of Heeseung’s hands, “... just a bit distracted.”

“Okay,” Heeseung glances down at their hands. 

He knows Jay is lying but tugs Jay towards the door anyway, “Come on we need to eat. Everyone's probably waiting.”

Jay just lets Heeseung pull him along. 

“Hyung,” Jay calls out for him right before they reach the other dormitory’s door.

“What?” Heeseung asks, a bit impatient now that they're so close to food - Heeseung can smell the ramen from outside.

He pauses and waits patiently for Jay to finish his sentence. Jay drops their intertwined hands.

Heeseung already misses the warm palm against his skin.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” 

Heeseung opens his mouth - wants to say no immediately, just because he feels unprepared and admittedly a bit freaked out by the forward way Jay had said it. 

But the look on Jay’s face, the way he’s biting on his lower lip and like he wants to hide instead of hang with the other members, makes Heeseung change his mind.

Heeseung watches as Jay tucks his hair behind his ears and before Heeseung can think further and change his mind again he says yes.

It’s worth it, the way Jay immediately relaxes and pushes the door open.

“Your favourite member is here!” Jay announces cheerily, as if he wasn't one minute away from biting his nails down a few seconds ago. 

Heeseung wonders how many times has this happened - where Jay masks his feelings, puts it aside neatly so no one else will know.

Dinner passes by easily and way too soon, it's true that time passes by faster when you're with your loved ones afterall.

Ni-ki and Jake talked about how excited they are to see the fans and Jungwon keeps bringing up how the fans called their photoshoot BDSM themed.

“You're on twitter too much,” Jake had told Jungwon. “And you didn't follow me back!”

Heeseung was surprised at this.

“Since when did you have an account? I thought it was only Jay and Jungwon.”

Jake thrusts his device to Heeseung’s face.

Heidi. @crownedrage 

why is jake always looking at his members like he wants to stick his tongue down their throats IM SICKKK

21 reply | 1.3k retweets | 2.4 k likes

Jake grins like the menace he is, “I didn't want to miss out on things like this.”

“Don’t worry hyung,” Sunoo says as he eats, “I don't have one either.”

Heeseung throws Sunghoon a look, the implication behind Sunoo’s words meaning Sunghoon also has one but the younger man was too busy slurping down the ramyun noodles to care.

When everyone's already in their own bedroom, Heeseung opens the play store and downloads twitter, intrigued. He knows it's under a different name now but calling it X just feels wrong and weird.

Just as Heeseung opens the signup screen, Jay knocks at his door and Heeseung lets him in, throwing his phone on his bed somewhere to open the door.

“Hey,” Jay smiles at him, “Sorry it took so long. I didn't want anyone to see me.”

Heeseung snorts as Jay passes by him, two pillows in his arms and the black cat plushie snug in the middle.

“What am I? Your one night stand?” Heeseung asks as Jay throws everything on his bed and belly jumps on it. “And please don't break my bed.”

Jay pats the space next to him and Heeseung warily walks over, slipping under his blanket like a normal person. His phone is probably under Jay’s massive pillows. The twitter account will just have to wait another day.  

Heeseung looks to the side and finds Jay’s eyes already on his. Jay’s hair glows like a halo from the moon shining down outside his window. Even his eyelashes are dusted white. Like an angel.

Heeseung watches Jay’s lips part when he begins to speak. Yeah no, Heeseung looks away. He prays his gulp isn't as audible as he feels it is.

“How are you feeling hyung?” 

It’s not like they’ve never shared a bed. But there's something since that day, since the marketing strategy meeting that has unnerved Heeseung, that makes him a bit jumpier than usual.

Something clawing its way out of Heeseung’s esophagus.

Something about having to pretend there's something more with the person you’ve spent almost a decade trying to learn their habits and flaws, flipping every corner of them to study their characteristics, that Heeseung has met many versions of. 

Jay at fourteen - all round cheeks, fidgeting with his hands. Always checking his reflection in the mirror and second guessing himself, more quiet and reserved. A kid who couldn't even look Heeseung in the eye.

Jay at seventeen - a sharper jaw, more confident in his steps. There's a sparkle in his eyes when he watches the older trainees, still so easily impressed. He can look Heeseung in the eye and doesn't stop talking his ears off.

Jay at eighteen, after debut. Still holding onto his insecurities, so obvious even when he tried to hide it. His soft smile towards his fans. Finding solace in reading random trivia about anything and everything.

Jay at twenty-three. All hard edges and round corners. Somehow sharp and soft at the same time. He stands taller, more confident in what he does, in his singing and dancing but somehow still finds him double checking himself in the mirror, still carrying the weight of thinking he isn't enough.

Heeseung wants to tell Jay, I’m not sure about what we're doing actually.

Heeseung takes a deep breath. 

“Do you know any trusted doctors?” Heeseung asks, quieter than intended.

“Why?” Heeseung can hear the frown in Jay's voice. “Are you sick?”

Jay enters Heeseung’s line of sight, sitting up so he can look at Heeseung’s face.

“No,” Heeseung closes his eyes for a few seconds, “Just asking. You look like someone with a lot of friends.”

Jay looks at him puzzled, his head tilting to the side like a lost kitty.

“Hyung,” Jay presses the back of one hand to Heeseung’s forehead. Then pulls away when there is no sign of overheating or coldness.

“You know I don't have a lot of friends. You’ve been with me for nine years, what friends are you talking about?” Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear - self conscious or nervous, Heeseung can't tell.

“Imaginary friends?” Oh forget it, Heeseung wants to scream, stop taking me seriously, I'm just crazy.

“They’re going to ask questions for the fan showcase,” Heeseung interrupts Jay before he could answer. “What do you think they’ll ask?” 

Might as well ask about the weather with this kind of topic.

Jay shrugs and lays down again, this time facing the ceiling too. Heeseung is just glad he doesn't need to look Jay straight in the eye when he lies.

“It’s probably something sentimental  like how they made us talk about one another in the Manifesto Seoul DVD.”

Heeseung rolls on his side, back facing Jay so he doesn't see Heeseung’s face turning red and morphing through all seven stages of grief. Heeseung is pretty sure his face had come close to The Scream painting. 

The Scream parody (2025): a copy of an art composition created by Lee Heeseung.

“That was embarrassing,” Heeseung admits honestly. The last stage, acceptance. But Jay is right, the fans love it, the people want to know what they have to say to each other - a heart to heart - no matter how many times they’ve answered it.

“I liked it when you said I did well even when I was tired - it was,” Jay pauses for a second. “It was nice.”

Nice, sure. How kind of Heeseung to tell Jay let’s get food together like that they don't all eat dinner together almost every other day.

Isn't Jay too easily impressed? Is the bar in hell? If a cat meows do you think it's nice too?

“I feel like I’ve run out of words to say about you guys. I hope they ask something different for once.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know, maybe ‘what's your favourite food these days? or which member pisses you off the most lately?”

Jay laughs. The parted lips, upper teeth showing kind of laugh, the one that turns his eyes turn to crescent moons and his dimples deepen, the kind of laugh that makes the world turn in slow motion.

The kind of laugh Heeseung has memorised to know what it looks like without turning his head.

“My answer would be Jake,” Jay says in between fits of laughter. If Jay had stopped, Jay would have noticed that Heeseung’s laughter had turned quiet. 

“You know he stole my sweater and refused to return it. I had to buy a new one, the fabric is just so soft and it's so comfortable.”

“So you understand why he had to resort to stealing from you.”

“Now we suddenly have couple sweaters.” Jay giggles again.

See, Heeseung tells himself, easy - just do it in front of the camera tomorrow; make him laugh; Jay laughs easily.

“For our own sake I hope they don't ask that,” Heeseung yawns. “Don't want another rumour.”

Heeseung rolls on his back, throws a goodnight to the ceiling and presses his eyes closed shut.

“Goodnight hyung, and thank you.” Jay answers.

Heeseung still doesn't open his eyes. “For what?”

“For doing this with me,” Heeseung hears rustling from his left but fights the urge to open his eyes even then. Ignores the warmth flowing through him at Jay’s words - always too honest it feels uncomfortable sometimes.

“I’m glad they chose you. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.”

Too honest it suffocates Heeseung all the same.

Heeseung closes his eyes, the warmth turning to a searing burn, something clogging his arteries and stopping his heart. Jay’s soft snores fill the silence of the room, sleep always comes to him easy. 

Heeseung opens his eyes and turns towards the slumbering body beside him. Jay is on his side facing him.

Heeseung imagines the courage Jay had probably conjured up to say those words to him. How Heeseung had stayed silent. 

Jay breathes through his lips when he sleeps, his plump lips open slightly. The scar running down the middle of his bottom lips is obvious even in the dark; Heeseung wants to trace it with his thumb.

Heeseung debates on suffocating himself with a pillow but decides against it.

He’ll just make up for it tomorrow.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

Heeseung feels like a walking zombie. He should ‘lock in’ as the maknae line likes to say these days but he can't help but feel like Nell from the Haunting of Hill House - the ghost of something still so alive, a premonition of his past coming back to haunt his future.

By the words Jay had told him last night, by “I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.”

He eats breakfast absentmindedly, barely acknowledging the others greeting him good morning. Jay had looked at him weird but Heeseung brushed him off, saying he's just a bit nervous for today’s showcase.

June 5

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encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

me:

can you ask mom if our family has a story of heart problems? [10:17]

Heedo 👹👺🤡

pay me [10:19]

are you sick?? [10:19]

me:

no [10:20]

Heedo 👹👺🤡

mom said no [10:21]

she said ure stupid [10:21]

me:

she didn't say that stop lying using her name [10:21]

Heedo 👹👺🤡

🤣 [10:21]

When they all meet up at the lobby by afternoon, Heeseung has regained more energy. Everyone is talking over one another, the staff instructing them to stay close to each other. A van stops near the lobby doors and Heeseung is about to step out with the others when he hears Jungwon’s voice ring clear in his ears.

“Hyung.” 

Heeseung feels a hand clamp down on his shoulder firmly. Heeseung turns around slightly and offers Jungwon a smile.

“Jungwonie, we have to go.”

The staff are already herding Ni-Ki, Jake, Sunoo and Jay into one van as Sunghoon waits for the vehicle to drive away to make way for their other van.

“You know you can tell me anything right?” Jungwon is looking right at Heeseung’s soul. Intensely, as if he already knows where Heeseung’s mind is at. Heeseung refuses to spiral.

“I know.” Heeseung says hesitantly.

“You're not alone, you have us. You have me.” Like a football coach.

“I know,” Heeseung means it this time, he does know. Taking the offer is another thing though. “Thanks.”

“Hey!”

Jungwon and Heeseung jump a bit at the staff shouting at them.

“Come on,” the woman urges. 

Sunghoon is already waiting for them inside, and the moment the doors close he launches into a talk about how he was too nervous to sleep last night which Heeseung is thankful for.

At least Heeseung wasn't the only one restless last night.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

Ni-ki, Jay, Heeseung, Jake, Sunghoon, Jungwon and Sunoo are seated in that exact order.

It starts off easy, the questions light. Favourite song? Jay answered Highway 1009, easily even though he knew that the MC was asking about their favourite song in the latest album. He had even looked at Heeseung when he talked about how he cried reading the lyrics because he knew it was how Heeseung truly felt. 

The fans loved it. Jongseong should win an oscar.

The MC corrected the question, Favourite song in Bad Desire? and Jay had pretended to be embarrassed about his previous answer. Heeseung watched him tuck a strand of hair behind his ear as the fans' shouts grew louder.

Jay was right about the sentimental questions. They had to talk about the person sitting on their left and Heeseung is secretly relieved that he had to say something to Jake instead of Jay this time around. Jake is an open book and doesn't hold back his words. Whatever is written on his face is the truth.

Heeseung’s mind goes to Jay anyway.

Jay is an ancient relic with five different locks, something you have to either pry open or find the right keys. Heeseung knows by now that no one has managed to find all the keys just yet, not even himself.

When Jay held Heeseung's hand, the older man let his eyes linger longer. He can imagine what they look like in other people’s eyes. The firm hand grip, the way Heeseung is looking at Jay as Jay looks everywhere except for him - the perfect scandal.

It was nearing the end of their showcase. Being so close to the people who have supported you, who love you, their fans and the group members - it does something to Heeseung. It makes him relax a bit.

And that is his first mistake. 

“I think we’ve mentioned this before, but Heeseung hyung,” Ni-ki turns to Heeseung, a glint of mischief that scares Heeseung in his eyes. “He sleep talks sometimes. Jay hyung too. But lately with the comeback and everything - I think Heeseung hyung is more stressed that he sleep talks more.”

Heeseung immediately interrupts, afraid that their fans will get the wrong idea, “I’m not stressed, It’s not that. I’m-”

Fuck, Heeseung pauses, trying to find the right words. Fuck you Ni-ki he thinks, Fuck Bang PD, Fuck Belift, Fuck-

“Tired.” Jay chimes in cheerfully. Heeseung is about to turn, and disagree when Jay continues on.

“Not the bad kind of tired. It’s a good kind of tired, after doing a lot of fun things the entire day. Heeseungie hyung likes being busy.”

Heeseung nods, reaching out a hand to pat Jay’s thigh three times and letting it stay there a few seconds longer before pulling away. The right amount of subtlety.

“That’s why he sleep talks more,” Jungwon says helpfully.

“He says weird things. He once said ‘Okay let's eat ramen’, it was 4 A.M.,” Ni-ki laughs, “Another time he said, ‘mario kart’ and then fell asleep immediately.”

“It’s cute.” Jay insists, laughing. Heeseung is mortified.

“He scared me a few days ago,” Sunghoon suddenly adds. “It was almost 3:00 A.M., we stayed up to watch a movie but Heeseung hyung fell asleep. Then suddenly, he sat up like this.”

Sunghoon demonstrates how he saw Heeseung that night, rigid posture, hands by his side and eyes still closed, as everyone laughs. 

“Hyung, hyung, I called out to him and kept asking him if he was okay, I even put a hand on his shoulder to wake him up.”

Sunghoon puts his hand on Jake’s shoulder beside him, shaking him a bit like he did to Heeseung that night.

“He didn’t wake up at all, but suddenly he said…” Sunghoon pauses and looks Heeseung straight in the eyes. 

Heeseung can feel his stomach drop to his toes. I can’t believe it, Heeseung gives himself a pep talk, now I have to murder everyone. My members, the MC, everyone in this studio. Shit

“What did he say?” The MC finally asks when the pause goes on too long.

Sunghoon smirks, he will be the first to go, Heeseung thinks. 

“He said, Jongseong-ah.”

Heeseung is horrified. Everyone burst into laughter and Heeseung forces himself to smile and laugh as well, hiding his expression with his hands. 

Isn’t this too much information? I’m going to put LEGOs all over the floor later so everyone will suffer.

Heeseung feels a drop of cold sweat run down his nape. 

Jay puts a reassuring hand on Heeseung’s shoulder and the older lets his hands fall away as they share a glance. By the way Jay’s eyes turn to crescent moons and his lips curl so wide - Heeseung knows it’s genuine.

“Heeseung hyung is a secret bluejay,” Jungwon adds for damage control.

Jay laughs harder, “Should I give you an autograph?”

Heeseung tsks playfully, a relieved smile on his face. “Is this how you talk to someone older than you?”

Heeseung is playing dirty, because he knows the members aside from Sunoo gets nervous when he does that but they’ve had their share of laughs, it’s Heeseung's turn now. Before anyone gets to reply though, the MC intervenes.

“Ni-ki, you mentioned that Jay also sleep talks, what does he say in his sleep?”

“He mumbles a lot so I can’t really say. But I remember one time when he said meow and then fell asleep again.”

Sunghoon coos and pokes fun at Jay, calling him kitty cat while Jake jumps at the opportunity to coax Jay to meow for the audience. Jay does it easily, used to the other two and their unrelenting teasing.

The rest of the interview goes smoothly, nothing humiliating happens again.

Sunghoon recommends Love Me Anyway by Chappell Roan and Sunoo shares that he’s going to watch Juvenile Justice when he has the time. Jay mentions Heeseung as his inspiration these days, which wow, Heeseung can’t wait for the video to drop and see what their fans say.

Heeseung climbs into their van with Ni-ki behind him. Jungwon, Sunoo and Jake are already off on their way in another van. The two open spots is the middle one across Sunghoon and the backseat beside Jay. Heeseung goes for the one opposite Sunghoon before Ni-ki nudges his back painfully.

Heeseung looks behind him and is about to give Ni-ki a piece of his mind when the younger one points to Jay with his chin. Heeseung throws him a questioning look but follows.

“Hey,” Heeseung greets Jay awkwardly. Trying to put some space between them, not too much that Jay would notice but enough so he feels less awkward.

Jay smiles at him. “Hey hyung, you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know,” Jay shrugs, “About what Ni-ki said.”

“Ah,” Heeseung reminds himself to plot their demise later on in his head. “It’s fine, the fans will like it. Hashtag HeeJay remember?”

Jay scrunches his nose cutely.

“But you don’t like it when people know about your private stuff.”

Heeseung looks at Jay, still pouting and looking down at his feet.

Hesitantly, he reaches out a hand to hold one of Jay’s and Jay lets him. This is Jay's idea, Heeseung tells himself. Jay slides their palm together and intertwines their fingers like it’s the most normal thing in the world, like it’s second nature.

So much for putting some space, Heeseung berates himself.

“You really don’t think it’s weird?” He finally asks, better to know the truth than to live in a lie.

Jay looks at Heeseung who immediately averts his eyes; eye contact is still a battlefield for him.

“No,” Jay answers honestly. “It’s cute.”

Heeseung rolls his eyes but he can feel his demeanor relaxing, as if he needed the reassurance that he’s not some creep bothering Jay.

The answer makes his heart tug a bit but Heeseung refuses to think about it too much.

“You would think a pig rolling in mud is cute, I don’t trust you.”

Jay leans against Heeseung, like bubble gum sticking to the closest surface.

“I do think pigs are cute,” Jay defends, “They’re very messy but cute too.”

“You know they eat anything right? If you threw them a corpse, they would gobble it down.”

Heeseung glances down at Jay as he closes his eyes. Heeseung stares at the way the setting sun outside and Jay’s eyelashes casts a shadow across his nose bridge and down his cheeks, the way the orange hue gives him an angel glow. 

Heeseung can see in his mind the molten brown in Jay’s eyes if he were to open his eyes right now. His line of sight trails to Jay’s lips, plump and begging for a kiss.

Heeseung looks away, his heart racing, surprised at his own thoughts just to meet Ni-ki’s eyes.

The youngest wiggles his eyebrows before his giggle fills the van. Heeseung tries to telepathically cuss at Ni-ki but Jay shifts beside him and Heeseung freezes.

“Hyung.”

Heeseung stops breathing, was Jay sleeptalking? Will he meow?

“Hyung, relax, you’re too stiff.” Jay lifts his head and presses one hand on Heeseung’s chest, urging him to actually rest against the seat.

When he’s satisfied, he gives Heeseung’s chest a pat and leans against him again. 

Heeseung prays that Jay does not hear his heart trying to leap out from his rib cage as he stares straight ahead.

Heeseung sure has been praying a lot these days, he might be able to quit being an idol and start being a priest. Or a monk, we’ll see. Whichever is easier to apply as.

Jay had his eyes closed so it's impossible that he saw Heeseung staring, right? But isn't it also true that you could always feel when someone is staring at you? 

“Heeseung hyung,” Jay calls to him again.

Heeseung inhales as slowly as he can, hoping it doesn't jostle Jay too much before answering. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember?” 

Heeseung feels his heart doing flip flops now - hey Bixby what are the symptoms of heart failure?

“Remember what?”

“About the sleeptalking.”

When Heeseung chances a glance at Jay, the other still has his eyes closed. Heeseung lets the silence linger for a few more seconds, just so he can stare longer before turning away, gazing outside the window. Jay is the one to break the silence again.

“Before this, at a show, I told you.”

“Wow how specific,” Heeseung remarks, “We’ve definitely only been to one show, of course silly me. How could I not remember?”

Jay just nudges Heeseung for his sarcasm. The trees outside the window are blocking Heeseung’s view of the sunset but he can see the sky bleeding pink and purple.

He wants to snap a picture but that would mean moving his hand and if he moves his hand… What if Jay doesn’t want to lean against him anymore?

“I’ve told you before. Sometimes when you sleep talk, you call my name.”

Heeseung wants to strangle himself.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

The top of their dormitory building has a closed area. It's a greenhouse with tinted windows that Heeseung has made his secret spot even though it’s open to all the residents. 

The city view from up here is amazing. Everything twinkles like christmas lights, it's usually noisier on Friday and weekend nights but today is still considered Thursday night so the night is quieter. 

The city lights are a make-do for Heeseung. Here they can never see the stars, it's too polluted. Instead of looking up to search for them, Heeseung looks down and pretends the stars have fallen on Earth and turned to street lights.

June 6

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

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me:

Hey, still awake? [01:17]

Jongseong

Yeah. [01:17]

 Already in bed though. [01:17]

Hyung [01:19]

You okay? [01:19]

me:

Did you tell anyone about our marketing strategy? [01:20]

Jongseong

No. Why? [01:20]

Have you told anyone? [01:20]

me:

I’m planning to tell Jungwon. Is that okay? [01:20]

We can talk about who else to tell later. [01:20]

Jongseong? [01:22]

Jongseong

Yeah. Okay. 👍👍👍👍 [01:23]

me:

Okay, go to sleep now. Goodnight! [01:23]

Jongseong

Goodnight hyung ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁  😴 [01:23]

“You wanted to talk?” 

Heeseung yelps and turns around. Both hands balled into fists.

“Fuck,” Heeseung sat down on one of the benches outlooking the city view and held one hand to his chest. “You scared me Jungwon, what the hell.”

Jungwon plops down beside Heeseung, “You wanted to meet here. Suspicious. Are you planning to murder me?”

Heeseung can see why Jay and Jungwon get along so well. They're both weird, in a good sense that is. They say whatever's on their mind and they know random trivia of other much more random things.

“We’ll see about that,” Heeseung eyes him warily.

“So,” Jungwon probs almost immediately, “What's wrong?”

Jungwon is not the type of person to beat around the bush and Heeseung hasn't figured if that's a fortunate or unfortunate thing yet.

“It's about Jay right?”

Heeseung hears the snap of his neck because of how fast he turns. 

“Am I wrong? Is it something else? Is that not why you’re spiraling?” 

“No,” Heeseung blurts out before he can stop himself. Might as well just get it out now. “It is about him. And I am not spiraling.”

Jungwon doesn’t look convinced. Heeseung hangs his head low.

“I call his name in my sleep, what the hell.”

Heeseung buries his face in his hands. Okay, maybe he is spiraling a bit.

Jungwon puts a hand on his shoulder much like earlier. His grip is firm and grounding.

The way Ni-ki was looking at him earlier, like he knew something Heeseung didn’t, made Heeseung feel a bit sick. Heeseung doesn’t like not knowing things, not having that sense of control.

“Everyone knows that, he's said that before right? Two years ago I think.”

“Yeah but now people are going to remember it again!”

Heeseung turns to Jungwon and grabs both his shoulders, a manic craze in his eyes.

“Let's exchange rooms. Trade my spot for yours, please. It’s embarrassing.”

Jungwon just looks amused. 

“But you weren't this embarrassed before? What’s the difference?”

The thing is, it is just as embarrassing. The only difference is that before, Heeseung would keep it in and never tell anyone. Spiraled silently.

When that part got aired, about how he and Jay sleep talk - about how Heeseung calls his name in his sleep - Heeseung was half tempted to duct tape his mouth shut or jump off the Hybe building.

The shame is still the same but at least there wasn't the weight of being a couple on him at that time.

Not a couple, Heeseung reminds himself, definitely not a couple.

Heeseung feels as if he has to play into the act to make it convincing.

“You haven't said anything weird at your sleepovers if that's what you're wondering.”

Heeseung’s lungs fill with dread and by the look in Jungwon’s eyes, he knows he said the wrong thing.

“How do you know about that?” 

Maybe Sunghoon told him, but Heeseung knows that it would be out of character for Sunghoon.

Sunghoon isn't the type to get suspicious easily and by the way Jay and him had bickered, it was obvious Sunghoon didn't think much of it, not to the point he would consult Jungwon one on one.

“Jay hyung told me.”

“What else did he tell you?”

Jungwon shrugs again and Heeseung lets his hands fall to his side.

“Nothing.”

“You're lying.”

“I'm not.” and Heeseung knows that's true.

Jungwon never lies, not when he has no reason to. He doesn't believe in lying except when it comes to cheating during game nights.

So if Jay didn't tell him, then how does he know? Jungwon is as brazen as ever, eyes looking right at Heeseung. 

“You know about our marketing strategy.” Heeseung realizes. 

The day before their meeting, Jungwon was called to the company. Jungwon is the extra reinforcement they talked about. That's why Jay doesn't need to tell Jungwon anything, he already knows.

“Is that what you call it? Marketing strategy?”

Heeseung feels like he's in a telenovela, the betrayed wife who finds out her husband has been cheating with a lowlife girl who is nicer and prettier than her.

“Yeah, I was the one who voted for you two.”

The husband is leaving with his arms around his new girl. Heeseung falls to the ground in the telenovela.

“Why?”

“No reason,” Jungwon averts his eyes for a second. A tell that he’s trying to lie. Which means he has a reason to lie.

Heeseung thinks about it, tries to clip all the pieces of evidence in his head. It doesn't really make any sense but fuck.

“You hate Jongseong.”

“Hyung,” there's a warning in Jungwon’s tone.

“You're overthinking this. I do not hate Jay hyung. I just voted whatever I thought was for the best, okay?”

For the best? Then another bell rings in Heeseung’s head. A more obvious sequence of evidence forms and it's suddenly crystal clear.

"You like Jay." Heeseung doesn't know why his words sound so accusatory.

But it does feel like Jungwon had committed a crime for some reason. Heeseung feels all sense of control slipping through his fingers.

Jay? Jay? His best friend, Jay? His ride or die? His fake pretend-something-more-than-friends, Jay?

Jungwon looks at Heeseung as he sits with his thoughts, as if he is making up his mind about something.

Finally Jungwon admits with a small smile, "Maybe."

Wow, Heeseung thinks, Maybe? Jay doesn't deserve someone who is so half assed about him.

“I can see the face you’re making, hyung.”

Heeseung feels bad, embarrassed even, what the hell?

First of all, Heeseung is a very cool hyung who would never judge anything anyone does. Plus, Jungwon is his good friend and Jungwon would make a great lover, Heeseung is sure of that. 

But Jay’s lover? No one will ever be enough for such a guy like Jay.

"What do you mean maybe?" Heeseung repeats lamely, a hint of judgement in his tone that they both ignore.

"Yeah, maybe I like him." Jungwon looks Heeseung straight in the eyes as he delivers the craziest line Heeseung has ever heard. "I think you like him more than me though, hyung."

And Heeseung's world stops in motion.

In his head, everyone is screaming as the tides turn to tsunamis, volcanoes are blowing up, buildings are collapsing - help, help, the voices scream. Jake is screaming at him, telling him to move out the way as all his members run past him.

Heeseung splutters like one of the volcanoes. Dangerous and hot.

"What the hell are you saying."

“It was a question,” Jungwon defends lamely, as if Heeseung’s reaction is boring him.

“No it wasn't, that's a statement.” Heeseung stands up. 

Then sits back down again because the greenhouse is too small to pace around.

“Okay,” Jungwon comforts him, “Is it a wrong or right statement?”

Heeseung opens his mouth to say something.

“I was just asking.” Jungwon repeats, his hands up in mock surrender.

Heeseung lets the thoughts he buried rise from the dead. 

Jay, eighteen, just debuted, asking Heeseung in a whisper if he could sleep next to him - trying to find comfort in a face more familiar than his mother. The way Heeseung had let him in without hesitation.

Those nights Jay had tucked himself by Heeseung’s side snugly and had traced star patterns on Heeseung’s arm. A four pointed star, a five pointed one, a five pointed one that kindergarteners usually draw - the one with a pentagon in the middle.

Heeseung had let him. Heeseung had wanted to protect him from the world back then, when there were more snide comments than good ones, when everything they do is scrutinised under a microscope and overanalysed. When a compliment is twisted into a slur, when their smiles are called snide and not genuine.

One wrong move and you're trending for all the wrong things. Heeseung had let Jay weep on him at night, when the rest of the world had lulled to sleep.

Even now it’s terrifying, but years of experience shapes you, helps you. 

You stay in the hurt and sadness and madness for some time and you come out of it alive and stronger. The only way out is through afterall. 

Emotions to Heeseung are more akin to gardening than it is to anything else. You plant a seed, and it sprouts out. You water it, let the sun shine on it and put it in the right soil with the right amount of nutritions. It grows, to whatever you plant it. 

But sometimes there are things that you don't plant in your garden but it grows anyway, things that live by good luck. A pollen dropped by some bird or bee, or spores that found the perfect soil to grow in, blown at the correct time in the right direction.

Jealousy like ivy growing outside your garden gates but slowly slithers up like a snake and suddenly it's in your garden, poisonous and ready to fester in your heart. Climbing higher the more you let it, if you don't get rid of it. 

Hope, like dandelions; the seeds blown into your garden with just one small breeze, suddenly they’re blooming everywhere and you can’t help the way you pluck them and blow your wishes onto them, letting the wind take them away somewhere far.

And love. Like roses. You see them sprouting and you let it because roses are pretty. The stems are covered in thorns, prickly; sometimes you bleed but it smells so damn good. You let it stay in your garden anyways. One day it’s small, just one blooming rose, then you close your eyes and they’ve taken up so much space, the whole space smells like roses. 

Too busy appreciating the beauty that you don’t see how much they’ve grown, how smaller the path to them has become. Roses - white for family, burgundy for friendship and blood red for romance. 

The crimson so bright you could spot it from a mile away. And yet, you will always be in awe of their beauty each and every time.

Heeseung didn’t even notice the way he gravitated towards Jongseong at first. The way Jongseong’s words would ground him like a steady hand on his back.

Jay-ah, Jongseong-ah, Jongseongie, the clingy guy who only has one hyung to look after him. The guy Heeseung can’t take his eyes off but can’t look in the eye either.

Who would put his chin on Heeseung’s shoulder to read whatever’s in Heeseung’s hands, who would lean his head on the nearest shoulder, who would play with Heeseung’s fingers, who secretly likes hugs, suddenly everything is Jongseong, Jongseong, Jongseong. Bright and colourful Jongseong.

Heeseung hadn’t even realised it until… 

Doesn’t remember those days but he remembers the moment he had to take a step back. When they’ve gotten back from their en-o-clock shooting, and Heeseung sees Jay standing by his bunk bed. 

Jay rarely came to him during that time; DIMENSION: ANSWER was a good time. There were more compliments than hate comments, when they’re busy going to events back to back, and can see how much support they actually had.

Heeseung had missed the company but is happy that it means he’s not the only one who can appreciate Jay as who he is.

“Jongseong.” Heeseung was pleasantly surprised to see him.

Heeseung had jumped on his bed and looked at Jay expectantly and that’s when he noticed the tears gathered in Jay’s eyes.

“Jongseong,” Heeseung sat up, and let Jay fall to his knees. He had let Jay hug his waist, making space between his legs.

“What's wrong?”

“Hyung,” Jay was pleading, the arms around his waist tightened. 

“I think I like boys.” 

Jay had confessed so softly Heeseung was sure he misheard him. Heeseung wanted to pull back but Jay was already crying in his stomach.

“Hyung I like boys, I- I think I’m weird.”

Heeseung’s stomach coiled with something he couldn't explain, his heart thumping so hard as he processed the words. 

I like boys.

Heeseung was sure Jay could feel how his body stiffened, and that was why Jay started crying harder.

The confession blindsided Heeseung completely.

Since when? How do you know? How are you sure? Who made you cry? Who is it? But Heeseung didn't ask any of it. He pushed it to the side and with stiff arms, pulled Jay into a tight hug. 

Heeseung felt angry too, unsure why, but he was angry all the same. He couldn't think straight, couldn't place his finger on why his chest was burning hot at the words Jay uttered.

“It’s okay,” Heeseung had said, had repeated, like a prayer or a chant or something holy.

He had let Jay cry on him until he was exhausted. Until the digital alarm clock on his nightstand blared 2:45 A.M. and Jay had pulled away first.

Jay had looked him in the eye, probably trying to dig into his heart, trying to find something to hold onto. Something he didn't find.

“You don't think I’m weird?” Jay had croaked out.

Heeseung wanted to say, no, deny it immediately. Heeseung wanted Jay to know that he would never hate him. 

“No, you're not weird.” But Heeseung’s voice came out weird and a beat too late.

Heeseung could see the fear in Jay’s eyes as he got up, wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt and thanked Heeseung quietly before leaving.

Jay had said goodnight but it felt more like a goodbye because something shifted in the air around them after that.

Jay never came to his bedroom for no reason anymore and Heeseung pretended the stars Jay had drawn on him before had run out of hydrogen, had lost all heat and died.

It took a few months for Jay to even be in close proximity with Heeseung after that. For them to get as close and comfortable as they are now - they had to pretend that night never happened. 

The death of a star is the brightest they’ve ever been afterall.

That's when Heeseung knew. 

“I’m probably homophobic, towards Jay.” Heeseung says instead to fuck with Jungwon.

He buries that moment deep in his mind and tries to forget it, really. He never thinks about it. Because he can't believe he would ever feel that way, and towards one of his best friends. 

“You're homophobic?” Jungwon’s even more surprised.

“Just with Jongseong, I guess.” Heeseung replies.

“There's no right circumstance to be bigoted, hyung. What do you mean you're homophobic towards Jongseong? How can you be homophobic towards just one person?”

Heeseung shrugs.

“Hyung,” Jungwon says exasperated. “I’m bisexual. I like men.”

Heeseung blinks at him.

“Okay,” Heeseung uses Jungwon’s own tone on him, “Thanks for telling me?”

“Hyung.” Jungwon uses a tone that indicates he’s going to be really, really angry. “I’m bisexual. What do you feel?”

Heeseung pretends to think about it. Nothing. “Uh, how did you find out?”

“Because I like someone.”

Right. Jongseong, Heeseung thinks. Jungwon likes Jay and he's making me say it. Some people really are born evil. 

Jungwon holds Heeseung by the shoulders this time. Heeseung has a feeling Jungwon is one second away from murdering him. “Are you angry at me?”

A pause. Kinda. But for a different reason. “No. I told you, it's towards Jay only.”

“Do you hate Jay?”

No hesitation this time. “No.”

“Do you hate that Jay likes men?”

“Yes,” the words glide off easily. Heeseung pauses. Jungwon can see the gears in Heeseung’s head turning.

“See what I’m saying-”

“Heeseung hyung, I think you refuse to think and say the truth because you're scared. I know you're not this dumb. I know you saw Sunghoon hyung check out Soobin hyung before. I know you know half of our group are probably not straight at all.”

Heeseung stays quiet. Burying the memory from before deeper down. 

“Why do you rather believe that you, the same person who comforted Jake when he broke up with his ambiguous gendered lover after debut, the same person who congratulated our fan who- mind you she told you she has a girlfriend, you smiled at her and said you were happy for her.”

It’s hard to play dumb around Jungwon. 

“Were you lying?”

“No. I meant it. Every word of it.”

“You're not homophobic. Say it with me.”

Heeseung feels like a toddler being told to say mama but does it anyway. Like a remake of that one episode of spongebob screaming from the rooftop.

“I’m not homophobic.”

“So what are you?” Jungwon asks, hands gripping Heeseung tighter. “I’ve seen you look at other guys backstage, the way your eyes go down their bodies.”

“Fucking hell,” Heeseung gasps, “Can we not do this?”

“Enough of that hyung. What are you?”

Heeseung gulps audibly. 

“An idiot sandwich.”

Jungwon sighs and lets go of Heeseung, facing forward and staring at a potted Jasmine plant. Probably plotting how to kill Heeseung with the pot. Whatever.

“A homosexual. Half a homosexual. Bisexual.” Heeseung says this time. 

“Okay, thanks for telling me. Although anyone could have guessed it.” Jungwon says, patting Heeseung’s thigh. “For who?”

“Hot people.”

“Okay,” Heeseung can see Jungwon’s eyebrow twitch. “Name one of the hot people.”

Heeseung stays silent. He knows this game, knows what Jungwon is trying to get him to say. 

But Heeseung can't say it. If he says it, that means he’ll have to face it. Heeseung tries to remember the hangman’s knot instruction he once saw.

1. Pass the tag end behind the “8” shape made with the rope.

“This would be easier if you could just be honest with me.” Jungwon turns to Heeseung, “Sunoo hyung's friend is a therapist, he’ll sign an NDA.”

Why the fuck would Heeseung be honest with a man who just admitted to liking Jongseong? Who maybe likes Jongseong?

1. Wrap it around the upper loop and the standing part.
2. Wrap it three more times.

“When Jay came out to me,” Heeseung begins carefully, “It- Doesn't it mean he likes someone? That's how you know right? Because you like a man, so you know you like men.”

“How did you know you liked men?” Jungwon asks back.

“The girl I talked about before, the one I liked for three years.” Heeseung takes a deep breath. “It’s not a her.”

Jungwon nods. Yay, Heeseung thinks, #teambisexual.

“Why do you hate the fact that Jay hyung likes men?”

Because it's not me.

1. Pass it through the small top loop.
2. Hold the lower loop and pull the tag end to tighten.
3. Knot completed.

Heeseung buries his face in his hands again. He can't say it, because if he does he can't take it back.

Admitting it means accepting it.

“Can I take a medical leave tomorrow?”

Jungwon stands up and dusts himself off. “Good conversation. See you tomorrow.”

“Oh and hyung?”

Jungwon is at the doorway of the greenhouse, smirking as if he had just witnessed a stand up comedy gone wrong.

“What?” Words feel like lead in Heeseung’s mouth.

“I don't like Jay hyung,” Jungwon grins, watching as Heeseung gets increasingly more confused. “Not like that. But it was nice to see your reaction.”

Heeseung watches as Jungwon disappears from his sight. Jungwon might be lying. There's no way anyone so close to Jay could resist Jay. Heeseung would know best.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 6

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Manager #2

[Screenshot of the trending page on twitter, the word heejay with 37k posts.] [07:14]

Good job! [08:14]

me:

thanks [08:16]

Manager #2

Check out the hashtags! [08:16]

Heeseung holds back the urge to throw his phone across the room.

★

Chapter Text

7th June

Heeseung thinks about their conversation for the rest of the day. And night. And the day after.

He was so distracted during The Seasons: Park Bogum’s Cantabile shooting that the only time he focused was when they were covering Demons. The lyrics hold more truth than Heeseung would ever admit. 

The fans love it, even the members too. Everyone was so busy singing praises that no one realized how distracted Heeseung was. Which is probably for the best.

🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️

June 7

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Our leader Jungwon

[Screenshot of weverse comments

Comment 1: Aren't they too good? How come there are this many perfect people?

Comment 2: They really eat CDs…

Comment 3: Park Jongseong 😭😭 Park Jay 😭😭 You did so well 😭😭 ] [00:13]

Pyeonyuk prince

Everyone did such a good job 👍 [00:13]

Jay should pick out more songs for us to cover [00:13]

Sunoooo

Can't wait to see their reactions when we release it on spotify 🥳 [00:15]

me:

The third comment is cute LOL [00:20]

Jongseong really does sound great [00:20]

Jaeyunnie

JAYYYYY!! [00:21]

EVERYONE ON TWITTER IS GOING CRAZY!! [00:21]

Ni-ki 💪

💪 [00:22]

Jongseeong

[insert meme of Jungwon showing thumbs up] [00:22]

Heeseung opens twitter again. The signup screen stares back at him. It won't hurt to look right? 

Heeseung refused to download twitter before because he was afraid of what he might see, the hate comments piling up everyday. But Jake had mentioned that the tweets that pop on your timeline are mostly related to the ones you like and follow so maybe Heeseung can curate a timeline that is not filled with hate comments.

Username: @lhseung0101

Password: xxxxxxxxxx

The first tweet he sees is from Elon. Immediate block.

[Complete your profile.

Name: LHS

Bio: 24. Love the Weekend.

Choose a profile picture: *Heeseung presses on a random photo in his gallery and a picture of pancakes he had a few weeks ago loads up*

Follow five accounts*]

Heeseung thinks about it and wow has he been thinking a lot these days. Should he tell the members he made an account? But what if they find him snooping around things he shouldn't have?

No, Heeseung decides, this has to be a secret.

Heeseung skips and presses the search bar, giving himself only a moment to hesitate before he types in heejay.

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

ARE WE HEARING HEEJAY RNNN PLS RELEASE DEMONS ON SPOTIFYY

0 reply | 172 retweets | 270 likes

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

Compilation of Heejay’s raw vocals throughout the years 🧵

1 reply | 3.2k retweets | 7.4k likes

Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut 

🧵🪡Thread of #heejay moments that prove they are NOT divorced!

26 replies | 542 retweets | 1.2k likes

→ Nora🌷@tecaniew Reply Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut biggest denial of the century.

→ Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut Reply Nora🌷@tecaniew I’m in enemy territory 

The third tweet has a symbol of a group with the words, HEEJAY🦌🐈‍⬛. Heeseung presses on it and is instantly bought to a new page where a pop up appears. 

[Discover Communities]

[HEEJAY🦌🐈‍⬛: dedicated to showing appreciation to Park Jongseong and Lee Heeseung from ENHYPEN]

Curiously, Heeseung scrolls down the trending section.

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

My fav genre of HeeJay is when Heeseung stares at Jay but looks away when Jay looks at him.

2 reply | 710 retweets | 1.2k likes

→ Nora🌷@tecaniew Reply Lily. @Nyletherlily the way heeseung stared at Jay for so long during the showcase 😳

👩‍💻@chuunnelli 

Heeseung switching his mic to his other hand just so Jay could hold it… There’s a word for people like this

8 reply | 221 retweets | 960 likes

Heeseung feels his cheeks warm at the last tweet. Wow, so people are still over analyzing them. But this is fine, this is good - it's what the company wants.

And it's not a bad tweet. Heeseung presses the join button and skims through the rules before agreeing. 

heidi. @crownedrage 

"i see him more often than my mom" do yall realize how much weight these words carries or am i just insane

63 reply | 385 retweets | 927 likes

Heeseung feels laughter bubbling from his throat seeing the crying memes under that post. No wonder Jungwon is constantly lurking here. A cold wave of something passes over him at the remembrance of Jungwon.

Curiosity killed the deer, sadly. Heeseung types #Jaywon and is disappointed by how many likes the tweets have in comparison to the Heejay ones.

𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖊 🍎 @xanaxhaterrr 

Jungwon: we finish each other's

Jay: sentences

Jungwon: don't interrupt me

3 reply | 75 retweets | 3.2k likes

Heeseung scoffs. Mischaracterizing two people in a single tweet is crazy. Every other tweet is about Jungwon calling out to Jay because they have nothing else to talk about and yes Heeseung does realise how bitter he sounds. 

He presses the community symbol that shows above a tweet for jaywonville 🐈🐈‍⬛ and presses join.

Keep your enemies close, Heeseung tells himself.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jungwon wasn't lying as it turns out. Heeseung knows this because he’s been staring, looking, observing that man every chance he gets.

Jungwon calls out to Jay a lot but mainly because Jay doesn't know when to give input unless Jungwon prompts him to. It’s either he yaps for too long or not join in the conversation at the right time so Jungwon has been helping to cue him in.

Like a mother duck, Heeseung is terribly impressed.

Heeseung has a sinking feeling that he might be wrong about hashtag Jaywon afterall. Instead, Heeseung realizes something else.

Even now, in the practice room, Jungwon’s eyes always seem to flit to the other members. Jungwon is talking to the Park Jongseong at one corner of the room but his eyes are locked on Sunoo scrolling through tiktok on the other side of the room, then to Sunghoon taking mirror selfies, then back to Sunoo.

Rude, Heeseung raises an eyebrow, Jay is right beside you.

When his eyes turn to Jay, he's surprised to find Jay already looking back at him. 

Heeseung hadn't been avoiding Jay all week, that's not true at all. They’re all busy with practice and fansigns that the only time they all interact is with grunts at group dinners and in their group chat.

It’s not avoiding if I'm not talking to any of them, Heeseung tells himself as Jay walks over to him.

“Hyung,” Jay sits directly in front of Heeseung.

“Jongseong.” Heeseung acknowledges him.

Jungwon stands up and Heeseung’s eyes immediately fly to him. Like a hawk looking at prey. 

“Hyung,” Jay whines.

Heeseung turns his full attention to Jay this time. Jay’s pouting, cheeks puffed out and eyes downcast. 

Ugh, Heeseung is mad at himself now, a week of avoiding this cute creature. How dare you. The voice in his head oddly sounds like Jake. 

“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung knocks their knees together. Nudging a few times until Jay looks at him again.

“Talk to hyung,” Heeseung says, “I don't understand pout.”

Jay pouts even harder, his bottom lip jutting out more even as he denies it.

“I am not pouting.”

Heeseung smiles teasingly and lifts a hand to poke at Jay’s cheek just to see him bat at it like an angry kitten.

“Stop,” Jay threatens to bite his fingers when Heeseung pokes him again.

Sue him, Jay’s just too cute to be left alone.

“Come on,” Heeseung coaxes, “Tell me.”

“You're supposed to be mine, remember? Just the right amount of subtlety. But you haven’t been subtle, you haven’t even done anything.” Jay says. 

Heeseung feels dizzy at the word mine. Something bright explodes in his ribcage. Who says that kind of thing so suddenly? Apparently Jay does. 

“But you’re acting like you're more infatuated with Jungwon than me.”

Heeseung hears mine, mine, mine and blocks out the rest of it. A nebula fusion. It sounded so good when Jay said it that Heeseung forgets about everything for a few seconds.

“I,” Heeseung starts, heart stuttering in his chest. 

Heeseung sees Jungwon behind Jay’s head, leaning against Sunoo’s shoulder. Damn, Heeseung thinks, Jungwon sure is clingy.

“Hyung, look at me.”

Heeseung snaps his eyes back to Jay who's staring intently at him.

“Do you like Jungwon?” Jay asks in what Heeseung thinks is a joking voice.

“No,” Heeseung feels offended at the implication. He turns the question around. “Do you?”

“Of course not,” Jay scrunches up his nose. In the endearing way he does when he's really tired. But Heeseung can't help it, once he starts talking, all his thoughts come tumbling out.

“Do you think he likes you?”

“Hyung,” Jay slaps his arm softly, leaning closer so no one else can hear. “Where is this coming from?”

Jay is insanely pretty. This up close Heeseung can count his eyelashes, see the cracks on his lips, and identify three different shades of brown in his iris. He wants to rest his hand on Jay’s round cheek and let the other boy snuggle into his palm.

Heeseung wants to take back that one damn night five years ago.

Instead, Heeseung leans back a bit. 

“Why did you tell him about the sleepover?” Heeseung averts.

Jungwon is right, Heeseung is a very very difficult man.

“No reason, I just,” Jay pauses for a moment, then mumbled out quietly, “I was scared I would scare you away so I asked him for advice.”

“Why would you scare me away?”

Jay is quiet as he looks at Heeseung, searching for something Heeseung doesn't know. If Jay would just tell him what, Heeseung would give it to him. Really, Heeseung would give the world, galaxy and all its stars to Jay. All Jay needs to do is say it.

But just like that day years ago, Jay still can't find it.

“I'm just anxious okay,” Jay looks away, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “Why do you have to question everything? Some things are just to be.”

“Is that a lyric from Que Sera Sera?”

Jay huffs angrily as he walks away towards Jungwon and Sunoo. Heeseung knows he fucked up when Jungwon throws him a dirty look. The kind of look squidward would give spongebob.

“Everyone,” Jungwon claps his hands. “Break is over.”

Heeseung tries to catch Jay’s eyes during practice but Jay is absolute when he is sulking. Jay doesn't even look at him during lunch and when Heeseung talked to him, Jay would only answer shortly.

Always too kind to ignore anyone completely, even when he’s angry.

Heeseung feels so exhausted from everything by the time they reach their dormitory that he forgoes showering in exchange for sleeping a few minutes longer. He changes to a casual tee and shorts, jumping on his bed immediately after.

His phone vibrates beside his pillow. Heeseung hopes it's Jay.

June 10

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

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Our leader Jungwon

Check these out [23:13]

#Heejay [23:14]

#Jayseung [23:14]

#Heejeng [23:14]

#ToJays_Ass [23:15]

Huh. Heeseung is pretty sure he's said nothing to anyone about signing up for twitter. He had even remembered to turn off the sync contacts button in settings.

me:

i don't have twitter [23:17]

Our leader Jungwon

I saw you scrolling in the car [23:18]

I’ll send you cute edits [23:18]

me:

*van [23:18]

Jay told you about the plan? [23:18]

Our leader Jungwon

You should lower your brightness next time [23:18]

Engenes use jeng to censor jay hyung’s name when they talk about explicit content [23:18]

Heejay is 👉🏻You 👌🏻Jay. Jayseung is Jay 👉🏻You 👌🏻[23:18]

Heeseung’s eyes bug out. Explicit content? His throat feels a bit dry, his thumb copying the last hashtag Jungwon sent. He’s just curious and it can’t be anything bad can it? Also what the hell do the emojis mean?

Our leader Jungwon

Use this for your marketing strategy~ [23:19]

Heeseung ignores Jungwon in favor of searching up the tag on twitter. How does Jungwon even know this? 

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

Jazz = Jay's azz

0 reply | 273 retweets | 312 likes

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

Are we going to just forget that Jay basically twerked on Heeseung while teeth was playing?

[📎Clip from Enhypen's 1N2D ]

0 reply | 340 retweets | 277 likes

Heeseung feels the red climbing to his face. His stomach tightens like all his organs are on the brink of organ failure. 

Cause of death: Jay’s ass.

Okay they're more brave than he expects them to be. But they are not wrong, Jay does have a soft ass. And it is nice to hold. The ten minute compilation of every member smacking Jay’s ass attached to the next tweet is evidence. 

Heeseung covers his face with a pillow. Maybe sleep will come quicker if he faints from oxygen deprivation.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 11

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

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 me:

i’m sorry if i said the wrong thing yesterday [10:17]

i didn't mean anything bad [10:17]

i’m just veeeerrrrrryyyy curious [Deleted]

You’re super duper handsome cool precious hyung was just kidding [10:17]

Jongseong

Good morning hyung :( [10:19]

me:

why the sad emoticon :(( [10:19]

Jongseong

Because you were mean :((( [10:20]

You were ignoring me while I was ranting [10:20]

me:

i was just joking i promise [10:20]

if we're going to make it work, we need to be honest to each other [10:20]

Wow, Heeseung thinks, I’m such a good liar when I'm hiding behind a screen.

Jongseong

Jungwon doesn't like me hyung [10:22]

Not like that  [10:22]

I don't want you to misunderstand him  [10:23]

me:

[fuck jungwon] Deleted

[don't you think jungwon looks like a gremlin] Deleted

What does 👉🏻You 👌🏻Jay mean [Deleted]

Jongseong

And I’ll try to be honest with you  [10:23]

But you have to tell me too 😡😡  [10:23]

It’s always me doing the talking  [10:23]

me:

okay i’ll try too [10:24]

i miss you already [Deleted]

want to get breakfast together? [10:24]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

Heeseung is happy - no, even happy isn't a big enough word to describe how he feels. They had received their first win for Bad Desire. They had smiled the whole ride home, everyone talking over each other about who wants to post their pics first.

First win for Bed Desire.  

Heeseung’s cheeks are starting to feel sore. This is the price of dedication from both them and their fans. Awards are no measuring stick for how hardworking a group is but it is proof that they tried.

ENHYPEN @ENHYPEN_members

Thanks for the 1st place 🙏

[Pictures of Heeseung holding the trophy]

3.4k replies | 39k retweets | 111k likes

Heeseung switches back to his private account. A new tweet appears after it finishes loading.

𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖊 🍎 @xanaxhaterrr 

dont hate me lol but sometimes i feel like jay is careless with his words idk

37 reply | 340 retweets | 15 likes

Heeseung’s mouth opens like a surprised hamster. How dare they mischaracterize him. Again. Heeseung begins typing furiously.

→ LHS@lhseung0101 That is not true. Jay isn't like any of the bullshit you tweet. Maybe if you

“Hyung.”

Heeseung drops his phone in surprise and screeches when Jay bends over to pick it up. Jay was so surprised by the unfamiliar sound coming out of Heeseung’s mouth that he froze mid way.

Heeseung clears his throat and pockets his phone in one swift motion. 

“You didn't forget about today did you?” 

“Of course not. Didn't you say your back hurt?” Heeseung aims for casual, missing it by a thousand kilometres and instead sounding like an AI voiceover.

“Uh?” Jay stands up straight, bear plushie and a crocheted blanket in his arms. His eyebrows are furrowed and lips out in a pout - a habit when he's deep in thinking, “No, I didn't.”

“Are you sure? Maybe Sunghoon said it, I forgot.” Heeseung takes the blanket from Jay and pretends that it's the most interesting thing in the world. “Woah, what a cool blanket.”

Jay chuckles at Heeseung and moves to sit on his bed. He's wearing blue shorts that ride above his knees when he sits down and a black tee with the words sleepy in the middle. 

He looks like the most delectable person on Earth. Heeseung focuses his eyes on the apple patterns littered across the blanket and how soft the yarn feels.

It is really pretty.

“Jake gave it to me as a gift.” 

Heeseung takes it back, this looks like an amateur’s work.

“His mom crocheted it for me.”

Actually wow, it's super detailed. The apples even have a little shine on them made with white yarn. 

Heeseung throws the blanket of crisis and agony on the bed before laying down on it. He’s tired from his own train of thoughts already. He pats the space next to him and Jay flops down too.

Jay who is clingy like bubblegum. 

“So how are you feeling?” Heeseung asks, genuinely curious. 

Jay isn’t an open book. He’s expressive and honest when it comes to other people, but never for himself. If he’s sad or angry, you wouldn’t know unless he tells you.

This, Heeseung knows, is the one thing about Jay that never changed.

“I’m good, I can't believe we won. I mean I did, kinda- but yeah.” Jay giggles, “I’m so happy. I’m excited to meet Engenes tomorrow. We won, hyung. We won.”

"Yeah."

We. Enhypen and Engenes. We won.

Jay’s hand finds his and Heeseung lets Jay intertwine their fingers together. This is for marketing purposes only, Heeseung reminds himself even when there is no audience to impress. 

“Am I still Heedo hyung’s favourite?”

Heeseung scoffs at the question.

“Tell Jay he looks prettier with his hair down,” Heeseung mimics in a high pitch voice.

Jay laughs, the vibration coursing through his body and Heeseung can feel it where their hands are connected.

“I gave him a signed album and he didn't want it because it had only my signature,” Heeseung recalls the disgusted face his brother made during their video call. “He got your PC though, so all is fair.”

“Tell him to sell the signed album, he can mark up the price.” 

Heeseung laughs and lets the silence settle over them like a warm blanket. Some part of Heeseung is still thinking about the goddamn tweet and how he hasn't managed to give a piece of his mind yet.

More fansigns, more shootings, more practice. More of them, more of Heeseung, more of everything - sometimes it feels like everyone's taking a pinch out of him until he's empty.

Some days though, like today, it feels worth it. He feels whole again.

And it's not the trophy - it's the fact that everyone gave their best on stage and off stage, it's the fact that thousands of people gave their blood, sweat, tears and money to vote for them. 

“How are you feeling hyung?”

“Like I could beat Usain Bolt in a race.” Heeseung says honestly.

“I totally believe you can.”

Heeseung hums to himself, “Remember that weverse live we did years ago? When someone asked what we meant to each other and we couldn't say it?”

“Yeah,” Jay turns on his side and Heeseung turns his head to look. Jay tucks his hair behind his ear as Heeseung’s eyes follow the motion. 

Jongseong is captivating in everything he does.

“What about it?”

Heeseung averts his gaze to Jay’s forehead. “Maybe we could go live together sometime. Then we’ll answer that question.”

Jay nods, “They’ll dig up videos of us, then we can trend again. I’ll think about it- about what I want to say, about you.”

“You mean your life’s turning point.”

Jay’s cheek colour pink even as he scowls. Heeseung fights the urge to pinch his cheeks.

“I’m going to say something else. I want to really think about it, stuff like that has to come from the heart.”

See, Heeseung yells in his head, Jongseong isn’t careless, if anything he’s too careful. Heeseung wants to take a video and upload it. Is this the guy you called careless? 

Heeseung wants to open twitter right now and report that account. He notes to himself to look for protection accounts of the members. Or start one.

“Me too,” Heeseung replies finally, “I’ll write a one thousand word paragraph.”

Jay’s cheeks bunch up like apples when he smiles.

It's fine even if no one else knows this side of Jay. Maybe Heeseung can even be selfish enough to be the only want to see him like this. 

Heeseung wants to be the only one.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

It's group dinner again. And today’s meal is hot pot with a side of makeup style discussion/debate as prompted by Sunghoon.

“You really suit the sunburn look,” Sunghoon says to Sunoo and everyone makes a noise of agreement.

“Jake hyung should let his hair grow long again,” Ni-ki comments, “I think it's one of your best looks.”

Ni-ki shows everyone his phone screen just as Jungwon sits down, placing a bowl of washed grapes near Sunoo. 

The words “we still talk about you” are in the middle of the photo while pictures of Jake with his long hair from all angles fill the rest of the spaces in the square. 

“Where did you even find that?” Sunoo taps on the screen to zoom in on one of the pictures, his fingers already going for the grapes.

Sunoo is the only one who likes those sweet circular green grapes. Cotton candy grapes, Sunoo had told him once. Jay likes it a fair amount, he likes any fruit to be honest but Heeseung is pretty sure that those cotton candy ones don't grow like normal grapes do - it looks man-made. 

“It blew up on twitter.”

“Jake would suit any type of hair style,” Heeseung points out. “He’ll look good with anything.”

“I like this one,” Sunghoon suddenly says. 

Sunghoon lifts up his phone screen for everybody to see. A picture of Jay zoomed into his face, the red glittery eyeshadow he wore sparkling under the stage lights. The caption of the tweet is “Enhypen’s princess.”

Sunoo looks in awe, hands to his lips as the other member playfully cat-calls Jay. Heeseung laughs at the shy expression on Jay’s face and the way he's pretending he doesn't care by shoveling rice in his mouth but his hand betrays him when he lifts it up and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear.

So damn pretty.

“Pretty boy Jay,” Jungwon says with a thick accent.

“You should go for pink next. Maybe ask the stylist to put you in a dress.” Ni-ki says with a laugh.

“Smash,” Jake says as he licks his lips and wink at Jay who blushes a pretty pink. 

Another hair tuck.

Suddenly nothing is funny anymore. In fact, Jake should shave off his whole head.

Heeseung stabs a sad wilted cabbage dripped in mala sauce and shoves it in his mouth before he says something bitter.

how about you keep your tongue in your mouth  

or

for the next company meeting I’m going to suggest appropriate workplace regulations because some of us can’t keep it in their pants.  

“I’m going to ask for glitter too next time," Sunoo chimes.

“Me too,” Jungwon parrots. “Maybe we should all put on glitter? I think that would be cool.” 

“This is the skin of a killer Bella.” Jake says in a husky voice.

Jay and Sunoo both throw their heads back and laugh. Sunghoon and Jungwon both look confused so Ni-ki explains the Twilight reference to them.

“Bella, where have you been, loca?” Jake continues in that sore throat tone.

“How do you sound exactly like him?”

Jay's laughing with his whole body. He throws his head back and claps a few times before his laughter becomes too much it hurts his stomach. He covers his mouth with one hand while the other holds his hurting stomach.

We’re vampires, Heeseung thinks, “What’s so funny about some loser werewolf?”

Oops. That one was supposed to stay inside.

The table falls silent. Jungwon gives Heeseung a knowing look while everyone else looks at him in either fear or amusement.

Heeseung breaks into a loud hysterical laugh to cover up the cold sweat running down his nape. Even to his own ears he sounds lunatic. Jungwon’s right, he is spiraling. Or tired. Or both.

“Scared you!” Heeseung says giddily. Too giddily.

Sunghoon throws him a concerned glance. Heeseung knows he will probably google psychosis symptoms later before bed and send URL links to him with a note that reads, help is everywhere hyung, we’ll be here for you.

Sunoo laughs just as loud, prompting Jungwon to do the same. I love you Sunoo, thank you for being easily entertained.

Jake laughs too, shaking his head.

“Ah hyung, you really scared me. Also, I’m team Jacob, he is not a loser and he has nice abs.” Jake holds out his bowl to Ni-ki, silently asking him to refill.

“I’m team Edward dating Jacob,” Jungwon continues the conversation.

“That's a thing?” Sunghoon sounds genuinely interested.

“Yeah, I’ll share with you some fanart later,” Jungwon replies. “There's a fanart of everything you can imagine.”

“There’s even fanarts of you as a girl you know?” Jay smirks to Jake, he faux whispers, “Even 18 rated ones.”

“Wait really?” Jake seems touched at the statement. “Do I look pretty?”

“Do you have them saved?” Jungwon asks casually, reaching for a grape too.

“No,” Jay snaps instantly, sinister smile gone. “Just search up fem Jek! F-E-M J-E-K.”

“What did you search on twitter for it to pop up bro?” Jake suddenly looks skeptical.

“Yeah bro?” Sunghoon narrows his eyes at Jay. “Have you been searching up 18 rated art of your bandmate bro?”

Suddenly Heeseung is interested. All praise to Jungwon and his nosy questions because Jay is basically hissing at everyone around the table. 

“No, Bro,” Jay scowls, “I like every fanart of ours, of course a lot would pop up.”

“So did you like the Jake fanart?” Ni-ki asks earnestly.

“Whose fanart was the first rated one that you ever saw?” Jungwon asks the one million dollar question.

Heeseung wants to pat him on the back and give him a loud kiss. Thank you Jungwon’s grandma for raising him to be a nosy person.

Jay doesn’t answer, instead he begins ladling more soup to his bowl. Heeseung can see his hands shaking a bit; he’s probably holding back from smacking their faces. Heeseung wouldn’t blame him for that. 

However, Heeseung feels like he’s about to vibrate himself from the sheer amount of nosy-ness. 

Who is it?

“Come on hyung,” Jungwon steals a string of enoki mushroom from Jay’s bowl. “Or else I’ll tell everyone about your twitter account.”

Jay slams his bowl down. Sunoo doesn’t even have an account and even he’s interested. Heeseung isn’t sure which he’s more curious about.

Jay’s pouting hard. As if he’s angry but can’t bring himself to be angry with them. He stabs a piece of cabbage - poor cabbage - before replying. Heeseung doesn’t know why Jay won’t just lie but maybe that’s the thing about Jay.

So kind. So honest. Or maybe Jungwon is secretly Satan and Jay made a pact with him to never lie in exchange for more brand deals. Plausible.

“It was my own okay,” Jay spits out. “I was wearing an apron.”

Ni-ki looks at Jay confused, “That’s not even-”

“Just an apron.”

The whole table erupts into cheers and wolf howls as Jay starts praying to be given more patience. Heeseung laughs too because if he doesn’t he will actually think about it.

About Jay. In just an apron. 

Heeseung laughs harder to keep himself from going insane.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Heeseung stops half an hour after scrolling through #JAYfanart. There’s too much, he knows he won’t find it. Asking other people isn’t an option obviously. Imagine your friend asking you for the link of your rated fanart? Where you’re wearing just a flimsy apron? Heeseung would never speak to them again.

Heeseung sighs as he quits the search bar, scrolling through his For You timeline.

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang 

thank u Jong Kardashian 

0 reply | 8 retweets | 27 likes

made with love, kei @norawhics 

the reason heeseung and jay always bump into each other is because they unconsciously gravitate towards each other in this essay i will 

1 reply | 24 retweets | 32 likes

       rina ★ @blushfaery Reply @tecaniew don’t let the 4 pqrt stop you from speaking the truth.

S 🎸 @hjorangeflovver 

My friend doesn't know this, but I know he's in love.

He's walking into oncoming traffic on a one sided street.

Sometimes foolish, often times impressive.

He collects my secret like it's some sort of threat,

really it's just so he doesn't have to think about his.

He thinks I don't know, but I do.

Of course I do, of course I know.

I know that look anywhere, for I also wear it.

1 reply | 64 retweets | 84 likes

Heeseung feels a pang at the last sentence. I know that look anywhere, for I also wear it. Wow.

When Heeseung closes his eyes, he can picture it. Someone collecting other people’s secrets to keep his own. 

Probably someone like Sunghoon? No, Sunghoon isn't the type to bottle it in, he doesn't shy from asking for help. Sunoo too, he's not afraid of being vulnerable - it's his strength.

Maybe Jake. No. Jake is a strong advocate of it's okay not to be okay.

Ni-ki then, or Jungwon. Jungwon knows almost everything about everyone. Heeseung wonders what he’s hiding. Jungwon who loves apples but keep buying grapes. Jungwon who loves romcoms but would go watch horror movies. Jungwon who doesn’t like reading books but carries one with him at all times. A paradox of some sort.

Hold on, Heeseung sits up in shock, hands on his mouth. There’s no one here to witness his dramatic scene but Heeseung doesn’t care, he feels like the main character of a mystery novel after they connected the dots.

There’s only one thing binding all those three fun facts about Jungwon.

It’s Sunoo.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

“It's Sunoo. He likes cotton candy grapes, horror movies and reading.”

Is the first thing Heeseung says to Jungwon, his pointer finger poking Jungwon in the chest. Jungwon looks unimpressed from where he’s sat on the bench.

“You called me here just to tell me something I already know?”

The green house smells amazing thanks to the Jasmine flowers blooming inside. Jongseong would love it up here. No one barely comes here and it would make such a good spot to shoot his guitar covers. 

“Of course you chose us,” Heeseung crosses his arms across his chest as he sits down next to Jungwon. “You probably couldn't handle it if it was me and Sunoo.”

Jungwon just smiles this time, wide and full of amusement. “It's easy to figure out when you start paying attention right?”

Here comes Yoda with his wise quotes. Patience you must have, young padawan.

“So Sunoo.” Heeseung offers.

“Yes, Sunoo.” Jungwon takes the bait willingly.

“That’s it?” Heeseung turns his very judgemental look towards Jungwon. “That’s all you have to say?”

“What else is there? You caught me, you’re right. I do like Sunoo hyung.”

“Which is why you voted for me and Jongseong.”

“No, I didn’t vote for Heejay,” Jungwon says carefully, “I was the one to propose Heejay", making air quotes at Heejay .

Heeseung feels his brain short circuit, a regular occurrence for the past few weeks. 

“Heejay wasn’t even on the table- it was me and Jay hyung or you and Sunoo. I put Heeseung and Jay on the table. They were even considering Sunghoon hyung and Sunoo hyung.”

Jungwon shouldn't look as smug as he does right now. 

“Let me make this clear,” Heeseung unfolds his arms to clasp his hands together. You know, just in case they lose control and accidentally hit Jungwon’s handsome face. 

“You’re the reason why I’m in this very sticky, uncomfortable, tight situation?”

“Title of your sex tape?”

Title of your fucking eulogy in one minute. “You’re a menace to society. They should throw you in jail, I’m going to leak hashtag Sunwon to dispatch.”

“They have a rule about not outing closeted idols,” Jungwon replies, eyes twinkling.

“Do you hate me?!” Heeseung asks, tone pitched high as he throws his hands in the air and make strangling motions. “You hate me, you want me to die, you want me out of the group. You monster.”

“Hyung, stop that.” Jungwon reaches for both of Heeseung’s arms and pulls them down. “Interfering with your love life is not a crime and I do not hate you.”

“Jungwon, I’m pretty sure I can’t breathe near Jongseong anymore,” ironically Heeseung takes in a deep breath of air. “Why did the executives even agree with your suggestion?” 

“Maybe because I know our members more than they do so I would know what’s best?” 

“Don’t you feel bad for Jongseong?” Heeseung asks, desperate. “He’s stuck with me when he could be busy hanging off Sunghoon or Jake. He has to share a room with me and eat dinner with me and throw slumber parties to convince the fans that something is going on. He has to bond with me so it seems natural.”

“Heeseung hyung,” Jungwon spits out his name with venom. “I don’t want you shit talking yourself like that ever again. Look at Jay hyung, does he look like someone with a gun to his head? Do you think he hates doing all that with you? Do you think everything he does in just an act for some stupid profit of a huge capitalism company?” 

Heeseung stays quiet. Jungwon is one scary gremlin when he uses his, as Engenes dubbed it, dominant voice. It is kind of hot, Heeseung agrees.

“You don’t think Jay hyung should be with anyone else, not me-”

“I never said that,” Heeseung interrupts. “All I did was make a face.”

“You think no one is good enough for Jay. Not even you.”

And wouldn’t this be the most perfect time to do a backflip off the 20 story apartment building? Heeseung looks at the street below them and imagines his brain splattered at the pavement below, the thought of it makes him shiver.

“If no one is good enough for him, then who is?”

“I don’t know, the queen of England? Maybe Jeon Jungkook?” Heeseung says, grabbing Jungwon’s arm to steady himself when he stands up. 

Jungwon has a different idea and drags Heeseung back down onto the bench.

“No. I’m your therapist tonight. Exposure therapy starts now,” Jungwon grabs Heeseung’s arm to the point it hurts a bit. “Jay hyung is not a saint, sometimes he’s a loser, sometimes he trips over his own feet but he is still one of the best people to ever exist. I agree, do you agree?”

Heeseung nods and winces when Jungwon squeezes his arm tight. Heeseung would like to sue his therapist for abuse.

“Jay hyung is not holy, he is no longer that 16 year old boy you met.” Jungwon leans closer to Heeseung, eyes wide. “He’s not a prize or a holy statue, you can touch him and want him.”

Heeseung feels his face heat up at the words. Is this sex education? Heeseung is pretty sure this is not how exposure therapy works.

Oh trust me, Heeseung thinks to himself, I have no problem getting it up.

“You’re allowed to taint him.”

For a few seconds, the image of Jongseong comes up. Jongseong on his bed, wearing those blue shorts that fit the curves of his lower parts just right. Heeseung imagines how soft and supple his skin around his stomach would feel if Heeseung trails his hands up and grabs his waist. 

The soft sound he would make when Heeseung touches him at all the right places. 

Heeseung hyung, he would whine. Touch me here.

When Heeseung blinks again, the image is gone and Jungwon’s face is too close to his. Heeseung knows his face is probably flushed red - cheeks, the tips of his ears - like he’s drunk on something strong.

“Fuck.” Heeseung’s eyes are blown wide.

Jungwon lets him go but Heeseung is frozen in place. Heeseung is pretty sure that he was hypnotized. Or was that a baptization? 

“Maybe you should start looking around more, you'll find more truths are hidden in plain sight.” Jungwon nods proudly at himself.

The damn Harvard graduate is at it again.

“You should see the way you laugh around him,” Jungwon tells as he peers down at the city lights below and Heeseung follows. “Your laugh, around him. It just feels different.”

The lights are sparkly, pretty, like the glitter eyeshadow Jay wore the other day.

“What does that mean?”

“I’m saying the fans might be onto something.”

Jay's life turning point and Heeseung's ride or die.

It’s getting harder to breathe around Jongseong these days - Heeseung will have to face the truth sooner or later.

“Do you think I have pneumonia?”

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

🎵 luther #HEESEUNG ver. #ENHYPEN

1.8M likes | 32.4k comments | 100k shares

Heeseung watches as his breath fog up the glasses perched on his nose. It's silent tonight and he had looked right, left, up and down to make sure no one was following him here.

It’s as peaceful as it can get in his hectic life. 

The saying “face the music” means to face the truth. Jungwon doesn't understand it. 

Heeseung knows he means well but it isn't that simple. It never is. Not with how their lives are constantly on display. 

Admitting to having a massive crush on your groupmate is one problem, acknowledging that he might like someone else is another. Heeseung was angry because someone had made the person he loved - still does - cry, that someone had made Jay come running teary eyed to him. Too angry to even give thought that, that ‘someone’ might have been him.

When Jay had left Heeseung that night years ago, with tear stains on his shirt - Heeseung already knew he was doomed. He plays with the idea that Jay might like him sometimes after that. But Heeseung has a list of growing questions with no right answers.

If Jay liked Heeseung why would he come crying to Heeseung? Two answers. A hundred more questions.

• Because he wanted to see if Heeseung would accept him
• Because he doesn’t like Heeseung and just needed his only hyung to comfort him

If Heeseung had admitted that he liked Jongseong then, how would the members react? How would their parents react? How would they go about it? What would the company say? What would the fans say? And most importantly. What would Jongseong say?

Jay is too complex to be broken down in simpler words. Jay overthinks the words he says or types, he carries their weight with him. Jay says all the right things because he had thought about it a million times before. Jay doesn’t throw words around no matter how simple they are, he isn’t careless. 

Heeseung is cool headed but is also quick to react. Heeseung looks fierce but is just terribly shy. Heeseung pretends he understands, he’s reliable. Because if he’s not all that, what is there to love about him? Heeseung is not the same man Jay met years ago.

If Heeseung admits that he loves Jay now, how would the members react? How would their parents react? How would they go about it? What would the company say? What would the fans say? And most importantly. What would Jongseong say?

Those are questions he has never stopped asking and never received any answers for. It never makes sense, not five years ago and not right now.

Singing is easy. Music is what connects people and is also an expression of emotions intertwined with art and culture. Singing love songs while thinking about Jongseong is even easier.

I'd take away the pain, I'd give you everything, I just wanna see you win.

Heeseung glances at his phone when it pings. Heeseung isn’t home yet, no - he’s taking a much needed night walk to clear his mind. His head hasn’t been quiet since yesterday. If he’s being honest, it hasn’t been quiet since this whole marketing strategy scheme started.

And Heeseung knows why. 

Jongseong. Jongseong and the way he tilts his head when he's confused. Jongseong who pouts when he's focused. Jongseong who unintentionally speaks in cute because he's used to his parents babying him. Jongseong who has so much love to give.

June 18

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Jongseong 

HYUNGGGGGGGGGGG [19:47]

As expected from our God of singin and music! [19:47]

*singing [19:47]

It's soooo good!!!! 🙀🙀🙀 [19:47]

me:

Thank you ^_^ [19:47]

Jongseong 

I’m going to repost it [19:49]

What time are you coming back? Should I order anything for you? [19:50]

Jay who is thoughtful. But also at times selfish. The right amount of humaneness. Thoughtful in the way he cooks for the members but selfish in the way he would hide his favourite snack from everyone in the back of their upper cupboard. Heeseung finds himself smiling as he replies.

me:

no wait for me! give me fifteen minutes! [19:50]

Jongseong 

Okay. Stay safe hyung🎉🎉🎉🎉[19:51]

Weverse

June 18, 2025

ENGENEs, have you heard the cover yet? 🔗 luther #HEESEUNG ver. #ENHYPEN. Isn’t our hyung so talented? ^0^ 

I just wanna see you win Heeseungie Hyung~

20.3k comments 

Sunoo calls it aegyo typing. They all like to do it, it’s fun and refreshing. Makes them feel like a bunch of highschoolers. Sunoo and Jay especially, use a lot of emojis. Jay has the cutest typing habit especially since he likes to use the same string of emojis repeatedly. 

The Han river used to be Jungwon’s secret place to destress. When they just debuted, Jungwon would sit here for hours lost in thought. Sometimes one of the members would have to come take him home. It stopped being a safe space when some intrusive people found out and started stalking him.

He could come with a bodyguard but it's not the same as solitude. There’s a lot of good things they had to sacrifice to be where they are.

And how much more does Heeseung have to sacrifice to keep his career intact? Is there a way for him to love Jongseong without having to trade anything in return? And what if Jongseong is already perfectly with this? 

June 18

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Manager #2

[Screenshot of the trending page on twitter, the word heeseung with 20k posts, Heejay with 14.7k posts.] [20:01]

Good job! [20:01]

me:

thanks [20:10]

Manager #2

Team HeeJay all the way! 😀 [20:16]

Heeseung holds back the urge to throw his phone in the river. To the company, their feelings are just bait, a business deal, another strategy to rack in money. He feels sick of everything. 

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

rina ★ @blushfaery 

Enhypen ships as songs, a thread

1 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes 

→ rina ★ @blushfaery Reply rina ★ @blushfaery heejay as Spring into Summer by Lizzy McAlpine.

Heeseung pulls up google so he can search up the lyrics.

Somebody finds me in the state I am
Love you like I mean it when I know I can't

Heeseung narrows his eyes at lyrics, as if they could suddenly have a mind of their own and transform itself into something more- softer, gentler, less bittersweet, hell, maybe change the lyrics to something not sad at all.

You're always gonna be someone that I want 
We have too many years between us
If I could jump into the past, I'd only change one thing
I'd never hurt you first, I'd never let you leave
And now I'm here forever, runnin' back to you
Always

Back. Search up meaning of Spring into Summer. There's a dozen interpretations, none from the artist herself of course. Heeseung opens four links at the same time, going through them one by one.

"Spring Into Summer" by Lizzy McAlpine // Song Review

The song captures both the melancholy act of letting go

and the hope that comes with stepping into a new season of life,

embracing change despite knowing that the cycle will inevitably

continue.

- Melissa Kacar.

Next.

Yeah, fuck that. No, Heeseung and Jay are not like that.

→ LHS@lhseung0101 i think this song would be fitting if it's from a happier perspective. nothing against Lizzy of course but while Heeseung and Jay have nine years between them, they will always a strong bond. By the end of the day, they will always go back to one another

He sits send. And spends five minutes staring at his reply feeling stupid and awful for all the wrong reasons. He wants to claw his heart out and throw it from the roof top. No one is even going to see his reply because his account is private.

Heeseung isn't sure who he's trying to convince, everyone else or himself.

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling 

nasaan ang tingin natin sir?

[image of Jay trying to feed Heeseung fake noodles at their fansign]

3 reply | 64 retweets | 180 likes

S 🎸  @hjorangeflovver 

Semantic satiation is a psychological phenomenon in which repetition causes a word or phrase to temporarily lose meaning for the listener.

But I've repeated your name a thousand times; Heeseung, Heeseung, Heeseung, and it still sounds the same each and every time, echoing back my love, my love, my love.

0 reply | 183 retweets | 720 likes

Heeseung rolls out the word Jongseong on his tongue. Then repeats it softly; Jongseong, Jongseong, Jongseong. 

Jongseong never loses it's meaning - ride or die, someone I could lean on, more than family, crimson red roses.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jay decides on another slumber party a day after his event with Jaeger Lecoultre, right before they board for Thailand. He’s wearing silk red pyjamas and holding onto a bolster pillow when Heeseung opens the door.

“Keeping the vampire theme I see.” Heeseung switches on the star shaped night lamp he just bought on his study table and switches off the main light.

“Did you get that for me?” Jay’s mouth is open in a surprised ‘o’, staring at the lamp as he lays down.

Heeseung nods as he joins Jay on his bed, sitting down and watching as Jongseong tucks a strand of hair behind his ears and smiles softly - happy.

“This way I can close the curtains and you won’t get scared.”

Jay slaps Heeseung’s arm, pouting. Heeseung watches the way his cheeks puff out when he does that.

“I’m not scared,” Jay insists, “I’m just not used to the dark. Yet.”

“Sleeping with your door open is dangerous,” Heeseung reminds Jay, “If someone breaks in, they’ll get to you first.”

Heeseung’s fear isn’t unwarranted. It has happened before. Just one time, but it was enough to remind them for a lifetime. Heeseung’s heart squeezes in fear at the thought of his members getting hurt. 

“I’ll just sleep with you,” Jay says seriously. 

Heeseung doesn’t think that's a bad idea at all. “Don’t be ridiculous. Sunghoon’s going to call you a baby again.”

“I am a baby! My mama and papa’s baby.” Jay punches the air. Poor guy has had enough of Sunghoon’s constant teasing.

“Okay, baby,” Heeseung laughs, then pauses. 

He can see Jay’s arm in the air twitch a little at that. Heeseung clears his throat. 

“How do you pronounce the brand name? Jay-ger La-cool-tre?”

“Zhey-zur luh-kool-truh,” Jay says smoothly, putting his arms down. “Just say JLC, it’s easier.”

Heeseung nods even when he’s pretty sure he’ll butcher the brand name again. Heeseung lays down close to Jay, just a few inches apart. For warmth, he insists to himself. 

“They did the right thing choosing you, you fit their brand so well. Classy old money vibes.”

Jay closes the few inches they had between them, snuggling a bit closer.

“Thanks, it went well.” Jay says shyly. “Feels a bit weird doing something alone for once but I was excited for it.”

“You deserved it.”

As Heeseung says that, Jay offers Heeseung his hand, elbow digging into Heeseung as he lifts his forearm. Heeseung places his palm and interlace their fingers. They’ve done it so many times it feels so natural by now.

“Can I say something?” Jay’s voice was so quiet, Heeseung squeezes his hand in response.

“People always think that everything we do is for the cameras,” Jay says matter of factly, “As if everything we do is fake and dishonest. All of this is just acting to them. It’s not- It’s much more honest work then they know. But you know…”

Jay goes quiet for a few seconds. Then, “Sometimes even I forget what’s real and what’s not anymore.”

Heeseung knows how that feels. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Do you ever feel like you're not enough?”

Heeseung squeezes Jay’s hand tighter. Heeseung wants to wrap his arms around Jongseong and shelter him from the world, making sure nothing ever gets to him.

“Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, be a nobody,” Jay laughs in the fake way he does when he makes fun of himself. “But I’m happy, I’m so happy.”

“I don't think anyone who is actually happy would want to disappear.”

Heeseung doesn’t dare turn his head, too afraid he’ll ruin the atmosphere. 

“You can be a lot of things at once,” Jay reminds him. “Enhypen’s Lee Heeseung, producer for Highway 1009, best producer ever if we’re being honest. Enhypen’s oldest and fake maknae. Enhypen’s Lee Heeseung, great at singing, a killer dancer and a hot redhead.”

Heeseung snorts at the last comment. At least Jay thinks he’s hot.

“And just Lee Heeseung, the youngest in his family who loves LEGOs and ramens and playing games and winning in basketball. Just Lee Heeseung, my best friend of nine years.”

Heeseung wishes he was as good with words as Jay is, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try.

“Enhypen’s Jay, who’s good at singing and dancing and doing aegyo. Enhypen’s Jay who writes lyrics with his heart, who sings like he understands every emotion in the song. Enhypen’s Jay who should be the face of all famous brands.” 

Jay groans in dismay but Heeseung continues, “And Park Jongseong, the only child of the two best people. Who needs to hug something to sleep, who likes matching pyjamas, who names all his plushies. Just Park Jongseong, who thinks he’s never enough when there are a thousand people out there who have found their spark in life because of him.”

Heeseung feels his throat restrict a bit at that, but Heeseung owes him at least this much honesty.

“Just Park Jongseong, who never truly sees how much he means. Enhypen wouldn’t exist without you. That, that is real.”

Heeseung hears a sniffle beside him but still doesn’t turn. He feels Jay turn his head instead, burying his face in Heeseung’s shoulder. 

“You know I was so relieved when they called your name, during i-land…” Heeseung holds his breath, a bit choked up. “I’m glad I get to do this with you.”

“I know,” Jay laughs softly, nostalgic. “You hugged me twice. I’m glad I get to do this with you too.”

That moment was aired on television but Heeseung could care less when Jay had gone to him first, arms open wide. The way he had wrapped an arm around Heeseung’s shoulder during the hug, the way Heeseung had pulled him in so close, let go and then pulled him in again. it was real, it was intimate and real.

“I really like you Heeseung hyung.” There’s fear in Jay’s voice as he says it. “You’re the best hyung anyone could ever ask for.”

Fear but also honesty. Jay doesn’t shy from it, he wants Heeseung to hear it. Heeseung searches for the affection in Jay’s voice, what colour are your roses?

Heeseung knows where the sense of impending doom had come from all this time - his own heart. 

“I like you too, you’re the best dongsaeng anyone could ask for.” 

Jay smiles at him, Heeseung can feel the outline of Jay’s lips on his shoulder. Heeseung squeezes their hands one more time. Heeseung wants to repeat i like you too a million times over for one more second of that smile. 

Here in the dark they don’t need to be Enhypen’s Jay and Enhypen’s Heeseung. Jay can be just Jongseong and Heeseung can be just Heeseung who is in love with Jay. They can hold hands and whisper their worries to each other.

Here it is safe. When Jay pulls his head away, Heeseung turns to face him. Jongseong’s eyes sparkle even in the dark.

“I’ll tell everyone you said that.”

Heeseung smiles.

“I'll tell them you lied.”

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut 

Jay is a anime girl. His pink cheeks!!!!

14 replies | 745 retweets | 941 likes

→  ₊‧°𐐪𝒷𝓁𝓊𝑒𝒿𝒶𝓎𐑂°‧₊ @daikon3008 Reply (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut which cheeks 😀

→  Vijae (no longer child of divorced)@hijeimut Reply ₊‧°𐐪𝒷𝓁𝓊𝑒𝒿𝒶𝓎𐑂°‧₊ @daikon3008 Ask Heeseung

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang 

do you guys ever wondered how jay reacted when he watched that video of heeseung saying his lips were begging for a kiss 🫦

2 reply | 67 retweets | 325 likes

→  @jongseongnyi Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang wdym of course they made out afterrwards

→  ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang Reply @jongseongnyi the reason why the wound on jongseong's lip never heals is because heeseung keeps biting into it WHOO SAID THATTTT

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

Jay for Jaeger-LeCoultre. Our expensive man!

[Photos of Jay from the event]

0 reply | 1.2k retweets | 5.4k likes

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️

June 22

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Jaeyunnie

Whoever didn’t know Seoul Music Awards was yesterday press 1 [00:21]

11111 [00:21]

Our leader Jungwon

1 [00:22]

We won a bonsang!! [00:22]

Congrats everyone! [00:22] 

Pyeonyuk prince

1111 [00:23]

Wait what year is it? [00:23]

Congratulatioooooooons ENHYPEN [00:23]

me:

34th [00:30]

Ni-ki 💪

Sunoo hyung is busy taking a dip LOL [00:45]

[Screenshot of Sunoo’s weverse post. I had a good day today as well. Good night everyone.

Attached is two clips of Sunoo putting in bath bombs] [00:45]

Jongseeong

How many bath bombs does he have??? 🤨 🤨 🤨 [00:46]

me:

@Sunoooo why arent you using our official merch [00:47]

Our leader Jungwon

Sunoo hyung you should promote our merch [00:47]

Please use our bath bomb and tell us whose acrylic you get hehe  [00:47]

Sunoooo

I don’t have it. Someone give it to me then I’ll try it [00:50]

me:

I’ll give you mine later [00:51]

Sunoooo

I’m going to take it right now [00:51]

Heeseung types in, ‘i didnt bring it here with me’, but there’s a knock at his door before he manages to press send.

“I didn’t bring it with me,” Heeseung greets Sunoo by the door.

“Oh,” the younger one shoulders his way in, “But I’m already here, might as well let me in.”

Heeseung steps aside to let Sunoo in, a towel draped on his shoulders and wearing a blue cotton pyjama set that Heeseung is pretty sure a matvhing couple one with Jungwon. Heeseung crosses his arms over his chest after he locks the door.

“You can’t stay long,” Heeseung warns, “It’s late and we have a fansign tomorrow.”

“Today you mean, and okay,” Sunoo agrees easily, sitting on the bed. “Would you have said that if I was Jay hyung?”

Heeseung narrows his eyes at Sunoo, stalking closer and leaning against the wall opposite the wall.

“I don’t like your tone.”

“Have you been watching spongebob with Sunghoon hyung? He wouldn’t stop quoting that either.”

“No, I wasn’t quoting spongebob. Why is Sunghoon watching spongebob?” Heeseung shakes his head. “Actually, don't answer that.”

“Spill,” Sunoo says, unceremoniously, voice devoid of any emotion.

“Spill what?”

“You think I didn’t notice? You and Jay hyung have something going on. The way you looked at him during dinner last time was,” Sunoo makes a face, “Something.”

Heeseung takes a deep breath as Sunoo rants on.

“I heard Jay hyung complaining to Jungwon about getting a single room earlier. Who complains about getting a single room? He said you and him were supposed to be roommates.”

Sunoo says the word roommate like it’s something scandalous and yes maybe it is in the context of Heeseung and Jay, but who gives a fuck? Definitely not Heeseung.

Heeseung and Jay were supposed to share a room but the staff accidentally booked an extra single room. After a quite heated game of rock, paper, scissors - Jungwon and Ni-ki, Sunghoon and Jake had to share a room. Heeseung gets the extra single room and Jay got the initial single room while Sunoo got a double bed room all to himself.

“I don’t know,” Heeseung shrugs, “He could have just come here if he didn’t want to be alone.”

“Oh but didn't you say it’s too late to hang out with me? So it is different with Jay hyung.”

Sunoo really is a fox. Cute, pretty, sly, cunning and brilliant. Too good at sniffing out secrets. Heeseung wants to skin him alive and wear him as a fur coat.

“Me and Jay are close, we’re 9yearz.” Heeseung shifts on his feet uncomfortably, even he knows that's a lame excuse. “He gets a pass.”

“I see, so when are you confessing to him?” 

Heeseung’s lip turned into a line so straight Sunoo was sure he could walk on it. It's impressive.

“I’m taking that as never.”

Heeseung grabs Sunoo’s arms but Sunoo pulls on his instead, patting the space next to him. “Come on, come on hyung, let’s gossip.”

“This is not gossip,” Heeseung huffs when Sunoo wouldn’t budge, “Out. Now!”

“No, tell me hyunnnnngg.” Sunoo pulls the last syllable long, pleading with his hands, “Tell me, tell me. It’s just me hyung! I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Heeseung sighs, giving up and sitting down next to Sunoo. Heeseung really shouldn’t underestimate Sunoo’s strength.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Where did you even get that idea from?”

“Oh, I don't know, maybe the way you look away when he looks at you or the way you stare at him super long when he doesn't notice.” Sunoo glances to the side before continuing, “You also check out his ass a lot.”

It would be less humiliating to walk around the hotel naked than to be told that.

“And you stare at his lips all the time-”

“Stop.” Heeseung holds up his hand towards Sunoo.

Heeseung stares at nothing. This is probably how Jay felt when he said he wanted to disappear, to be nobody. To live a life full of less consequences. 

Heeseung imagines himself in an alternate universe, raised on a farm full of life and sunrises. He’d be a cowboy galloping into the sunset, bringing a storm with him wherever he went. Horses, a few cows, surrounded by nature. 

And Jongseong is there.

“You’re right.”

Heeseung flops back on the soft mattress. 

“I’ll never confess to him. Nothing good will come out of it.”

“What do you mean?” Sunoo turns his body to Heeseung, hovering over him. “He likes you hyung! Why are you so busy dancing around something so obvious?”

“You don’t know that,” Heeseung frowns, “Did he tell you that?”

Sunoo shakes his head.

“See?” Heeseung can’t help raise his voice.

“This is a conversation you should have with him,” Sunoo says seriously.

“He treats me like he treats everybody else. I’m not special. And it doesn’t matter how much I love him Sunoo, I can not ruin this for him. Not when he’s sacrificed so much to be here. ”

Sunoo doesn't see where he stands. Sunoo isn't the one who spent nine years beside Jongseong, who watched him get up after every fall during practice when they were trainees. The way Jay had given up his normal life for a shot at being an idol. They’re Enhypen now and will forever be associated as Enhypen, and Enhypen’s Heeseung isn’t allowed to want his own groupmate.

“How long are you going to punish yourself? How long will you make Jay a consequence of loving you?”

“He never said he loved me, Sunoo," Heeseung pauses, "Not like that."

“And if he did?”

“Have you seen the way he acts with Jake and Sunghoon? It’s more believable if he admitted to liking them. There’s nothing special about me.” Heeseung wants to shake some sense into Sunoo. Jay doesn’t like me like that.

Heeseung doesn’t need to observe to know that. If Jay had loved him, Heeseung would have known. Jay is loud about the things he loves - guitar, singing, John Mayer, rapping in Go Big or Go Home, grilling meat. If he had loved Heeseung, wouldn’t Heeseung have known? 

“But if he did? ” Sunoo presses.

If he did. Heeseung would-

“He wouldn’t.” Heeseung is afraid to know the answer himself. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, please, Sunoo.”

“Alright, fine, I’ll stop,” Sunoo sighs, “If you’re going to be this difficult at least stop searching up his ass on twitter.”

Heeseung wishes Sunoo would just stab him and leave him to bleed out. Heeseung grabs a pillow to scream in it.

To hell with this, Heeseung wants to roll on the ground, throw his mini fridge out the window, burn down Hybe, and make the staff re-do all of their ugly merch. Not in that exact sequence.

“Did Jungwon tell you that?” Heeseung asks when he’s done making a fool of himself.

“Lower your screen brightness next time, you loser.”

What's up with his group mates and reading his phone over his shoulder? Heeseung needs to invest in a privacy screen.

“Who cares?” Heeseung says even though he can feel how hot his face had gotten, “He does have a nice ass, everyone knows that. Don’t pretend like you don’t want to grab it.”

“I can appreciate a good ass.” Sunoo admits, touching Heeseung’s red ears in fascination.

“Good,” Heeseung bats at his hands, “Now get out.”

“Of course, Good night hyung.” Sunoo stretches his arms over his head, yawning as he gets up and heads to the door. “I don’t want to bother you while you imagine grabbing Jay hyung's ass.”

Heeseung throws a pillow at him but it hits the wall instead. 

“Don’t sleep too late,” Sunoo sing-songs before the door slams close behind him.

And if Heeseung woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and with a tent in his pants thanks to a sexy dream about a very sexy man, he tells nobody.

Heeseung looks at his reflection when he washes his hands in the bathroom. Hair plastered to his forehead and face flushed. He wonders if Jongseong would look like this if they ever- stop.

Heeseung's phone vibrates on the night stand when Heeseung is tucking himself into bed. He squints against the harsh light in his dim lit room.

June 22

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encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

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Manager #2

Someone leaked the hotel and your room number [04:05]

We're investigating it. Not sure how they got to your floor [04:05]

Heeseung doesn't sleep well that night. Every time he closes his eyes a hand from a faceless body reaches for him and he jolts awake again.

Everyone is taking a piece of him, again. The void inside his body is getting bigger, turning into a black hole consuming everything.

Heeseung checks his door every 15 minutes for two hours before sleep finally envelops him properly.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

Heeseung towels his hair dry, scrolling through his phone absent mindedly.

The Cafe and Fansign Event by yours truly Shopee Thailand was actually fun despite how tiring it was. Heeseung is tempted to ask Sunghoon and Jake to hire him at their cafe someday. However the lack of sleep was catching up to Heeseung by the end of it.

There's a knock at the door. So soft, a sign of hesitation, but loud in the silence of the hotel room. Heeseung looks through the peep hole before opening. 

It's Jongseong - his heart quickens.

Heeseung opens his door quickly, pulling Jay in before looking left and right in the hallway. It's empty but Heeseung feels his anxiety rise up anyways.

"Hyung," Jay gentle lays a hand on Heeseung's back. "I already checked before I left my room. Are you okay?'" 

Heeseung answers yes even though his hands shake a little. Jay leads Heeseung to sit on his bed before he goes to the mini fridge in the closet and returns with a bottle of water. 

"Here, drink this." Jay uncaps the bottle.

Heeseung takes a small sip before handing it back to Jay. It looks like the events of yesterday are still on his mind after all.

"I can leave if you want to be alone," Jay offers but Heeseung catches him by the hand, shaking his head. The last thing Heeseung wants to be is feel alone and unsafe.

He takes in a deep breath, "I'm okay, what did the manager tell you?"

Heeseung exhales slowly, clasping his hands together. In and out, in and out. There's no use overthinking it to the point of a panic attack, it's useless because there really is nothing he can do to change it. 

"He didn't tell me anything, I think he just told Jungwon. He was the one who told me and Sunghoon earlier today. I'm pretty sure he warned Sunoo and Jake too."

Heeseung rubs a hand over his face, tired.

"God, hyung," the way Jay said it has Heeseung turning to face him, warm arms suddenly enveloping him in a side hug, "I'm glad you're okay."

Heeseung laughs wetly, returning the hug and falling on his back, taking Jay down with him. If Heeseung closes his eyes, he can pretend that nothing bad has happened and will happen. They stay like that for a minute before Jay rolls out of his arms and onto the other side of the bed, body facing Heeseung. Heeseung rolls onto his side too.

"I'm glad nothing happened to you and Sunoo," Jay whispers, reaching out to move strands of hair out of Heeseung's face.

Heeseung made a coughing sound, his cheeks warming.

"Yeah, me too."

Jay searches for any sign of discomfort and finds none. For a second they stared. Heeseung feels the anxiety from earlier dissipate slowly.

"I was thinking we should drink tomorrow. To celebrate. For Bad Desire." Heeseung says first.

"With everyone else?" 

All early intention Heeseung had to ask everyone for drinks tomorrow is thrown out the window. "No, just the two of us." 

Heeseung can see the way Jay's eyelids slowly droop lower, each blink longer than the last, even then he gave Heeseung a wining smile.

"Yay," he says softly, "Party for two." 

Jongseong is so pretty Heeseung can't help but stare. His small face, soft cheeks contrasting with his sharp jawline. The prettiest of smiles even with the scar, lips plump but small. Pretty, handsome and adorable all at the same time. His hair flares out on the bed where he's lying down, soft strands falling over his eyes. Heeseung wants to tuck his hair back but simply doesn't.

A star is born once it becomes hot enough for fusion reactions to take place at its core. Meaning that it is not as spontaneous and intentional as many would think it is, they are born by luck, sure, in interstellar molecular clouds: opaque clumps of very cold gas and dust. Then when the clumps gather just the right amount of mass, they collapse under their own gravity.

Falling for Jongseong feels a lot like that.

Not intentional, put in the right situations at the right places with the right person - letting it fester even as he denies it with his lips, but his heart soars. A heart can never lie. Years of putting it to the side, never letting light through to shine on the thoughts. Suddenly here they are. Here, Heeseung is, a love born like a star - not being able to deny it any longer.

"Hyung, why did Sunoo come over last night?" 

There's something in Jay's eyes, doubt and something unnamed but fiery.

"Mind your own business." Heeseung jokes, flicking Jay's nose hard enough that Jay flinches back and blinks wide awake.

"Go wash up, take my shirt from the luggage." Heeseung nods to his bathroom. "You stink." 

Jay pouts but gets up anyway, protesting with a simple "I smell delectable!", even as he rummages through Heeseung's luggage. 

Heeseung rolls on his back and stares at the ceiling, a new profound hobby of his it seems.

Maybe Heeseung will tell Jungwon about this, they can figure it out together right? 

When Jay is done, Heeseung has long fallen asleep.

Jay sits beside his slumbering body, peering down at Heeseung. Red hair tousled and wavy after his shower, lips parting as he breathes with his chest falling and raising in the same rhythm. Jay's heart aches with want. Aches for Heeseung to just open his eyes and see him.

Jay lies down next to Heeseung, sleeping on his side and hugging a pillow close so that he doesn't accidentally cuddle with Heeseung in the middle of the night. He knows he should leave, head back to his room... but for once, he wants to be selfish.

He stares at Heeseung's side profile until he falls asleep, dreaming about soft lips on his cheeks.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

Heeseung wakes up around 4 again that night. He shivers as he sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. He looks down only to realise he accidentally slept while waiting for Jay to wash up. Heeseung blinks the sleep away, smiling at Jay slumbering peacefully beside him.

Jay sleeps like how people do in movies and films, hand tucked beneath his cheek. So much grace even when he's not doing anything and so so pretty even in his sleep. 

Heeseung very softly brushes the strands of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes to the side. 

Heeseung is busy pulling the comforter underneath Jay's sleeping body gently when his phone pings. It takes Heeseung a minute to notice his phone had fallen from his bed. There's a few recent messages from their manager - it's probably what woke Heeseung up. 

June 23

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Manager #2

Someone saw Jay enter your room [04:15]

[Screenshot of a tweet with a blurry pic of Jay's back entering his room] [04:15]

They've already deleted it [04:19]

I thought you'd be more careful after yesterday [04:19]

Heeseung feels like throwing up. He runs to the door, looking through the peephole and double checking the locks. His hands shake a bit when he replies,

me:

Where is the security? [04:22]

What if they had gotten into my room [04:22]

Manager #2

Why are you awake? [04:23]

We're working on it [04:23]

They've double checked the floor just now. It's clear [04:23]

Heeseung, I think we should re-evaluate our strategy again [04:25]

This couple thing isn't going to work like this [04:25]

Go get some sleep [04:25]

Heeseung throws his phone on the floor. The carpet softens it's blow, which is something Heeseung would be grateful for in the future. Right now he's just hurt.

There's no use getting angry, this is a matter completely out of his hands. But the way the company always shrugs off serious matter like it's nothing - it hurts. It hurts so much Heeseung think he stops breathing for a minute.

It doesn't matter how much he sacrifices, he's replaceable to the company, Heeseung needs to earn his spot to mean something.

Heeseung stares at the ceiling until five, mind racing a thousand miles a minute with any trace of Jongseong gone from his mind. Even when he's right beside him.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️

June 23

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Ni-ki 💪

[Screenshot of Jay drinking milk in the Outside MV] [07:13]

I didn't know bunnies could drink milk kekekeke [07:13]

me:

he looks more like a mouse [07:13]

Pyeonyuk prince

Should we change his animal [07:13]

Our leader Jungwon

Mouse Jjong  [07:13]

Jjongmouse  [07:13]

Jaeyunnie

Everyone's calling him cute on twitter [07:15]

Sunoooo

Cutie pie park jongseong [07:15]

Where is jay hyung anyway?? [07:20]

me:

he's still sleeping [07:20]

Pyeonyuk prince

He's not in his room, me and Jake went to check [07:21]

me:

he's with me [07:22]

Ni-ki 💪

[Meme of goofy holding his nose, looking shy] [07:22]

Our leader Jungwon

Wake him up. Our flight is in a few hours  [07:23]

Heeseung's phone pings with a private message from Sunoo. Heeseung doesn't bother to open it, instead he loads up twitter.

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling 

[quote retweeting a video of Jay and Heeseung introducing each other with the caption 'prod heejay']

pagbibigyan ko ang kabaklaan kasi pride month naman

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes     

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

Jay the type of fella to lose sleep at night thinking if he had ever bought milk from the same cow twice

0 reply | 172 retweets | 270 likes

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang 

"so heeseung is that type of boyfriend" and its a video of him and jay. being gay...

1 reply | 767 retweets | 1.0k likes

→ @wonrabbitz Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang AHAHAH just saw a video on tiktok 😭 sunghoon putting a hand on jay's back and the caption was 'imagine him with his gf' like why would i imagine hootron 3000 with another woman

→ @sunghoonwaist Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang we shouldn't speculate their sexualities. however if there's evidence 🤭

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

ADEKKKKK

[video of Ni-ki patting Jay's head]

2 reply | 643 retweets | 2.3k likes

→ Nora🌷@tecaniew Reply Lily. @Nyletherlily imut banget tolong kantongin aja

heidi. @crownedrage 

[clip of Jay focus during Loose performance]

BRO IS LACTATING 

63 reply | 385 retweets | 927 likes

Heeseung coughs into his fist, cheeks red and feeling ashamed even when there's no one else around - his eyes glance down to Jay still sleeping peacefully beside him - who is awake, to judge him.

𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖊 🍎 @xanaxloverrr 

jay acting so much like a baby these days,,, bring back daddy jay

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

→ 👩‍💻@chuunnelli Reply 𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖊 🍎 @xanaxhaterrr at this point just deactivate sis

Heeseung blocks the account for his own peace of mind. 

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

me looking at jay's concept pics: wow this is his breast look i mean best breast i mean

2 reply |71 retweets | 127 likes

made with love, kei @norawhics 

Jungwon is such an odd person. Genuinely weird but not in a bad way. Not sure if it's in a good way either. Just very wow. Then i remember he's an aquarius

1 reply | 7 retweets | 36 likes

Heeseung retweets it immediately. Take that Jungwon.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

VAMPIRE MEETS ROMANCE: DESIRE UNLEASHED 

By Roman Aldridge 

JUNE 23, 2025 

Today I'm honoured to be able to guest Enhypen in my studio. Enhypen is a k-pop boy group that has surpassed everyone's expectation and continued to shine, individually as well as together. They've recently done a concert in Thailand and went viral for their fiery vocals. Next to me is Yang Jungwon, Ni-ki, Heeseung, Sunoo, Jay, Jake and Sunghoon. More famously known for their vampire concepts, they will be answering a few questions that have been submitted by their fans. As a quick introduction, can you describe this album and the songs? Which track is your favourite? 

JK: It's about vampirism.

[Everyone laughs]

HS: I know we don't have much time but this is not [the way to answer].

JW: It's an expression of someone's desires. About how you can never really run away from your desires because your desires are also a part of you.

SN: [Nodding] If you push it away or hide it away, it will still come back.

NK: It always comes back stronger.

JW & SH: We love Helium!

I heard that Helium was also produced by a member, Jay-ssi congratulations. I love Helium, seems like a lot of people do. Your group mates might just be your biggest fans.

SH & JW: Yes, our favourite song.

HS: Mine too.

JY: Thank you, it was an honour to be able to produce such a song [laughing] and hearing the people I love singing it. I co-wrote it with a bunch of other amazing people and yeah, it's been great.

SN: [Poking Jay in the stomach] So you do love us.

May I ask, what was it that inspired you to write Helium?

JY: I was actually watching old clips of us and there was this one clip, a few years ago, when we were messing around with a balloon- a helium filled balloon and it just, I just started writing. And once I did, I couldn't stop. Of course I did research about helium itself. You know, the line 'incredible speed without a plan' is actually referencing the fact that the speed of sound in helium is faster compared to in air. 

What an interesting fact! Any other facts you would like your fans to know?

JY: [Nodding] the line that goes 'my blood vessels are in danger now, I can't take this out' - helium is a non-toxic gas, but if it displaces oxygen, it can cause fatality. Too much of anything is never good.

NK: To our fans, please be careful (while playing with helium).

JK: Should we call you a lyricist genius now?

Which version of the album is your favourite?

HS & SN: Mine.

NK & JW [speaking at the same time]: Make [laughs].

JW: I like how creative the album shooting was. It sure is an experience, getting tied up.

SH: I think You, for me. 

JK: I like You too.

JY: For me, I choose You too. The scene where me and Sunoo were fighting. Somehow it was fun?

SN: I get it. It felt like we were in a gang fight. It's the adrenaline rush.

JW: Jay hyung do you like rough housing?

JY: What kind of question is that.

JK: No wonder you seemed excited to be under me.

[Everyone laughing]

JK: Not like that, can you cut that part out?

JY: Please cut it out, my idol image...

I'm sure you guys know by know that a lot of people call you guys as yearning vampires. In a lot of songs, there are mentions of heaven and hell. In Bad Desire, the lyrics 'Heaven without you is a hell' is considered romantic. I was so touched reading the lyrics. I think even the English version couldn't translate how romantic the original lyrics are.

NK: That's the thing about translations right? Sometimes there are words in another language that can't be accurately translated a hundred percent.

JY: That's why I want to learn a lot of languages, I want to be able to understand the depth of each word in different languages.

HS: Romance doesn't require a language to be felt.

JW: [Pointing at Heeseung] Socrates of romance!

Let's move on to questions from your fans. Ready? First one, to fit into someone’s idea of love or to be loved without fitting into someone’s ideal. Choose.

SN: Wouldn't everyone choose the second one? I want to be loved regardless of how I am, despite who I am.

JK: To be loved without fitting into someone's ideal.

SH: Ah, but I feel that I'm the type to change myself when I love someone. I want to be their ideal somehow.

JY: Isn't that just sad?

HS: I kinda agree with Sunghoon. I want to be loved without fitting into someone's idea, unconditionally but [pause] my love language act of service, I feel like I would still do (different than usual) things so that they would think, "This is definitely my ideal type!".

[Ni-ki and Jungwon starts singing TXT's Love Language].

JW: Jay hyung why are you looking at Heeseung hyung like that? [Forcing Jay's head to look in front].

Imagine this. Someone you've known for a long time suddenly confesses to you, saying that they want to move on. What do you say?

JK: Basically, would you ever date your own friend?

JY: Yeah, I would. 

SN: Aren't you answering too fast? 

SH: Jay isn't a F (Feeling).

SN: Even if you're a T (Thinking), shouldn't you take a moment to think first?

SH: he's not a T either.

SN: Then what is he?

SH: T but not thinking, he is T, Tired.

JK: Jay slept the longest but he's still so tired. He's a baby, he needs ten hours of sleep. He's not even answering the question properly.

HS: Confessing and dating are two different things, but if it's someone I like, wouldn't that be a given?

NK: Why were you looking at Jay hyung while answering that?

SH: Ehhh [teasing].

JW: Yes. In order to like someone, I need to know them first. If a friend confesses to me and I feel like it, I'll ask them to date me.

NK: If you feel like it? Is it depending on your mood that day?

JK: He'll reject you if he's having a bad day.

Most famous question just yet; Desire or devotion?

SH & SN: Devotion.

NK: Devotion. Love doesn't equal to loyalty.

JY: But loyalty without love is just blind faith.

JK: I want both. I can't choose. If someone I love isn't loyal, I think I would be heartbroken and if they're loyal to me but don't love me... 

JY: That would hurt.

HS: Desire. I want to be the one desiring because I know I'm loyal.

NK: Hyung [laughing] why do you keep looking at Jay hyung? Is there a script on his face? 

JW: You were looking at Sunoo hyung while you were answering though?

NK: That's because he was talking [shaking his head].

Now choose. Hell with you feels like heaven or heaven without you feels like hell?

SH: This is like the would you rather be rich but sad or poor but happy [laughs].

JY: I'd rather be miserable in heaven...

SH: Jay is the 'I rather cry in a five star hotel' kind of guy.

JY: Wouldn't you?

HS: But if you were happy in hell wouldn't that make it heaven?

JK: That's why 'it feels like heaven' but it's not really heaven.

JW: If I didn't know I was in hell because I was so happy [nodding] I choose hell.

HS: The illusion of heaven, I'll take it.

NK: Oblivion is a cage! Heaven! I'll cry with Jay hyung together.

Seems like we don't have a lot of time left. Before we wrap up this interview, my question is, are there any awards you want to win in the future that you haven't? 

SH: Oscar.

JY: That's not- we wouldn't even get nominated.

JK: He means the Grammy.

JY: Suddenly an Oscar.

HS: Maybe a Grammy.

JW: Yeah, a Grammy. Maybe two Grammy?

SN: I want to debut as an actor and win an oscar.

NK: Aren't they (the other members) really good at talking non-sense?

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

When the interview ends, Heeseung feels oddly empty. He had answered all the questions as honest as he can. But it doesn't feel good, it felt like someone had pried open his ribs and looked inside his heart.

Every time his eyes caught Jay's, he could tell it was real - this ploy, this marketing scheme, it's real, it's very real to me.

Then their manager's voice rings in his ear louder - I thought you'd be more careful. 

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

₊‧°𐐪𝒷𝓁𝓊𝑒𝒿𝒶𝓎𐑂°‧₊ @daikon3008 

My seven, you all did well today!

0 reply | 75 retweets | 836 likes

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang

jongseong wants to learn different languages so he can understand everything with much more depth

[meme of spongebob crying]

1 reply | 6 retweets | 32 likes

→ heidi. @crownedrage Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang peak romanticism call that movement heejayism

Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut 

Heeseung being called the Socrates of love just sits right with me. Yes, someone who waited for one person for three years definitely deserves that title.

56 replies | 456 retweets | 730 likes

👩‍💻@chuunnelli

[quote retweeting a video of Jay looking at Heeseung during MusicBank Interview Cam]

Jay's instinct to look at Heeseung first goodnight

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

→ ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang Reply 👩‍💻@chuunnelli they say you look at the person you trust the most either when you're so happy or when you're dead drop worried about something and i think this is the former one 🚬

→ 👩‍💻@chuunnelli Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang him searching for Heeseung's eyes first no matter what because only then does he find comfort... stability..🚬🚬

→ ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang Reply 👩‍💻@chuunnelli and it's more than heeseung's instinct to find jeng's gaze

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Cheers!"

Heeseung downs half a bottle of soju in one go, making Jay whistle impressively.

"Cheers to an off day," Heeseung wipes his lips with the back of his hand, "And being back."

Jay just grins at him, all teeth and gums, his eyes turning into crescent moons that Heeseung adores so much.

"Cheers for Bad Desire," Jay pours his bottle in mug instead, sipping it slowly.

"Cranberry vodka would be so good right now."

"We should buy some next time."

"Some grapes would be nice too," Heeseung sighs.

"Hyung, you don't even like grapes that much."

"I know, but it's the vibe. The vibe right now is calling for some grapes."

This statement makes Jay laugh, hunching over the small foldable table they laid out on the floor of Heeseung's room.

Drunk Heeseung is hilarious, saying whatever's on his mind. The more he drank, the redder his chest and ears got. By the third bottle Heeseung was giggling so much he couldn't get any proper sentence out.

Jay smiles gently at Heeseung who had his head on the table and one hand guarding his bottle. Jay had only managed to down one bottle, his body already buzzing slightly.

Jay doesn't understand how Heeseung could consume so much in the last hour. Words tumbling out about their past interviews and fan signs. They don't talk much about i-land these days, preferring to leave it in the past but for some odd reason, drunk Heeseung thought it was a good idea to reminisce it right now.

"What's so funny hyung?"

"Your letter was so cute. The video of you writing it with your-"

Heeseung bursts into another round of giggles, lifting up his head. "Your hand was so swollen. It looked like a baby's fist."

"Ha-ha, very funny hyung," Jay groans, biting into his fist, "I hate mosquitoes."

"What was it you said? Meeting me was the best thing to happen."

"Meeting you in my life was one of the biggest luck," Jay corrects. 

"And they say romance is dead," Heeseung reaches over to ruffle Jay's hair roughly, his hand unstable and the soft strands of Jongseong's hair making him want to pull on them. He wants to hear Jongseong whine. Even drunk, Heeseung holds back.

Jay just watches Heeseung quietly for a few second.

"What?" Heeseung takes a small sip from his bottle, hazy eyes boring into Jay's molten brown ones.

"I just think that it's funny," Jay plays with the rim of his mug, tucking his hair behind his ears.

Heeseung watches the motion with hawk eyes.

"Even after all this years, it's still true. I thought I wasted all my luck when I met you, I don't think I'll ever get that lucky again."

Heeseung smirks, running a hand through his messy hair.

"You think I'm that great?"

"Yeah, I do," Jay admits, "I wouldn't be here without you."

Heeseung laughs, obnoxious and so loud Jay was afraid Ni-ki and Sunghoon could hear him through the walls.

"Jongseong-ah, you would have debuted anyways," Heeseung says, "You've always been special."

"Special doesn't mean good."

Heeseung's ears have turned a fiery red, he's cute when he's drunk. Loose inhibitions make him much more laid back.

"You're the good kind of special though. Whether you believe it or not, it's true. You're special." Heeseung looks Jay straight in the eyes, his senses out the window. "You're special to me."

Jay just sighs wistfully.

"This is why I don't want to share this version of you."

Heeseung doesn't even hear him, too busy mumbling about how it was fate they all debuted together.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Goodnight, hyung."

Heeseung doesn't open his eyes, a bit nauseous and dizzy as he grabs at whatever is in front of him. Heeseung holds onto what he thinks is Jongseong's sleeve. He's in bed, Heeseung realises when he struggles to get up and open his eyes. The mattress under him is soft.

"Don't," comes Jay's gentle voice from above.

A hand softly guides him to lie down again, tucking him under his blanket. Heeseung forces his heavy lids to open and sees Jay smiling at him, moving his bangs out of his eyes.

"Sleep here," Heeseung mumbles, slurring his words a bit. "Jongseong-aahh..."

Jay looks guilty, "I can't, I shouldn't."

Heeseung wants to protest, of course you can! but his eyes feel too heavy and his blood feels like lead. He remembers tugging on Jay's sleeve and something soft on the corner of his lips.

The last thing he remembers are words jumbled together. 

".... looking...you, before, now and forever... never see...love you..."

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Where's Jongseongie?" 

"You look like shit," Sunoo comments, genuinely shocked, "Sit down, I'll make you some tea." 

Heeseung groans, slamming his head on the dining table.

"Are you crazy?" Sunoo slaps the back of Heeseung's head lightly when he passes by to grab the tea bags on top of the fridge.

"Happy Birthday," Heeseung says in a scratchy voice.

Sunoo makes a face even though Heeseung couldn't see him.

"Thanks I guess, for getting shit faced on my birthday, without me."

"How'd you know?"

"You smell like you used your shirt to wipe off soju."

Sunoo taps Heeseung on the shoulder to lift his head.

"I probably did," Heeseung sniffles, "What are you doing here? Got a date with our leader?" 

Heeseung gratefully accepts the warm cup of tea Sunoo offers with a small thanks. He takes a sip and feels time tens better already. Aside the throbbing headache, his chest feels warm and his throat isn't dry anymore.

Sunoo cocks an eyebrow at him, sipping his own mug, "Why were you drinking alone?" 

"I wasn't," Heeseung says in between sips, "With Jongseong. Where is he anyways?"

"Out shopping."

"Alone?"

Sunoo shrugs, "With Jake and Sunghoon."

Heeseung puts down the mug.

"Must be crazy to go shopping so early after a night of drinking."

"It's not early, and he seemed fine to me before he left." 

They sit in silence after that, the only noise the sips they take. It's a whole unspoken conversation that no one else aside them understood. Heeseung feels dazed, and like there' something he can't remember but can't seem to forget either.

When Jungwon joins them in the small space, he raises both his eyebrows at Heeseung.

"Look at you, hyung. So handsome."

...looking at you...

The words sent a jolt up his spine, but every time Heeseung tries to remember his head throbs harder.

"Good morning to you too," Heeseung greets Jungwon, hands still around the warm mug.

"It's three P.M. hyung," Jungwon says amused, then at Sunoo, "Come on, our movie starts in an hour."

"Fuck, really?" 

"Yup," Sunoo pops the 'p', giving Heeseung a, quite rough, pat on the back as he and Jungwon make their way out.

"Have a fun date!" Heeseung shouts. The slam of the front door is the only answer he gets.

Look at you, looking at you his mind corrects. something looking at you, before, now and forever. something something never see something something something. The voice sounds like Jay. 

Heeseung sits with his throbbing forehead for a few minutes before he got bored and heads back to his room, searching for his phone. When he taps the screen, the number 03:45 stares back at him.

June 24

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

me:

you should have woken me up [15:47]

is everything alright? [15:47]

Jongseong

Good morning hyung, did you just wake up? [15:50]

You were sleeping like a baby. I didn't want to disturb you 🥺🥺🥺 [15:50]

You should rest on your day off!!!!😤 [15:50]

me:

dont want to :P [15:51]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Someone knocks at Heeseung's door four times, Heeseung doesn't even look up when he says 'come in'; there is only one person who knocks such a way. Jay's head pops in first. Heeseung smiles as Jay makes his way to Heeseung's bed and plops down beside where Heeseung is sat up against the headboard.

"You're back late. How was the shopping date?"

"Boring, I couldn't find anything I like." Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, yawning. "Then I went to the studio to record some guitar covers. Our manager did text me though, my schedule's changed." 

"More solo brand deals?"

"No, some events got re-scheduled so they had to take it off my calendar. I have more days off now."

"A win is a win. You should go wash up and sleep, is your head okay?" 

Jay smiles sheepishly at him, fiddling with the blanket on his bed.

"Yeah, I took some painkillers, it doesn't hurt anymore."

Heeseung ruffles his hair lightly. 

"Good work today."

"Thanks hyung," Jay says sincerely, nudging Heeseung's shoulder "I'm actually here to remind you to post Sunoo. It's his birthday."

Ah, Heeseung mouth opens in realization.

"You're late, they're talking about it again."

Heeseung groans, slipping further down his bed, "I already said it to him though."

Jay laughs, patting Heeseung's thigh comfortingly.

"But people don't know that, they speculate based on what they see only."

Heeseung leans his head on Jay's shoulder, tired even though he didn't do anything today aside from binge watching some random show he picked on Netflix - it wasn't even interesting but it served as a good background noise to lull Heeseung into another round of sleep.

"Who cares about what they think? What matters is what we know is real."

Heeseung and Jay share a knowing sad smile. It matters most that they know it's real, but it wouldn't stop the voices from outside talking. Who cares? And the answer is Heeseung does.

The nagging feeling from earlier comes back. As if saying, you're forgetting something.

"You weren't always bad at it," Jay jokes. "You used to be on time about birthday wishes."

"I guess in some ways I've changed."

Jay nods, "I didn't even notice until Engenes talked about it to be honest, because you still wished us, off-screen, I mean."

"You guys are still important to me," Heeseung says, the underlying question of you know that right? implied but unspoken.

"We know, don't worry." Jay ruffles Heeseung's hair.

"You also do this thing when you’re shy," Jay teases, "You bite down on your lip and smile with your teeth. It's cute."

Heeseung picks up his head to gently knock it back against the headboard, embarrassed that Jay picked up on his habit.

"Shut up. Fuck, don't tell me."

"Did you always have that habit? I only noticed it after we debuted together."

"I don't know, I didn't notice either, someone mentioned it to me during our first fan sign." Heeseung shrugs. "That's how I knew. I didn't have fans before debut so there's no way of knowing."

Jay yawns, stretching his arms over his head.

"Go wash up and sleep," Heeseung nudges Jay. 

Jay groans but gets up anyway. There's tiredness and a playful sparkle in his eyes.

"You did have fans you know, you had me."

Heeseung snorts, pushing Jay away gently by his hip.

"Go to sleep, Jongseong."

"I'm a jalnandan, hyung! I'm always looking at you," Jay insists, heading towards the door.

Heeseung feels his breath catch in his throat.

I'm always looking at you. Before, now and forever.

A memory from last night emerges; Heeseung tugging on Jay's sleeve, telling him to stay through half lidded eyes, Jay telling him- something he couldn't quite catch. A soft flutter by the corner of his lips.

Jay laughs at Heeseung's reaction, completely oblivious to his inner turmoil.

"What?"

Heeseung swallows, and tries to smile but even he can feel how crooked it is on his face.

He tries to remember the words, the voice, the memory from last night. Tugging on Jay's sleeve, Jay leaning down saying, saying I'm always looking at you. Before now and forever. Saying, you just never see. Saying- something something something.

"Nothing, goodnight I guess."

"Goodnight, hyung," Jay smiles a bit confused at Heeseung, hand on the doorknob.

"Don't look at me too much, I'm getting shy," Heeseung jokes, rubbing a hand over his face to cover up the fact that his heart is jumping in his throat.

Jay's smile grows wider, "I'm always looking at you, hyung. You just never see that I do."

I'm always looking at you, before, now and forever. You just never see. Something something something.

The door closes with a loud click.

Heeseung feels his throat run dry, any semblance of drowsiness evaporating completely. Heeseung stares at the door even after Jay left. A horrible possibility dawning on him. 

Something something something. Something love you. I love you.

Heeseung reaches out to the air of his empty room, pretending Jay will walk in again any minute. Heeseung will say, I know, I know you like me and Jay will smile at him as he tucks his hair behind his ear. Heeseung holds his breath.

Their manager's voice rings in his ear louder - I thought you'd be more careful. 

Suddenly there's a bunch of faceless people herding him, shoving at him with their camera pointed at his face. And it doesn’t matter how much I love him Sunoo, I can not ruin this for him. Not when he’s sacrificed so much to be here.

His own words haunt him. Heeseung snatches back his arm as if he's been burnt.

The soft fluttering, Heeseung now remembers. How can he forget? It was a kiss.

★

Chapter Text

26th June

Heeseung hasn't had a good night's rest since two days ago. He’s been holing himself in the dance studio - singing, dancing, making beats - just so he doesn’t have to think about Jongseong. 

Jongseong, who had kissed him in his sleep.

Heeseung absolutely refuses to think about it.

“And if he did?” Sunoo’s question echoes in his head.

Heeseung jerks awake by a scream, immediately sitting up with panic. His heart is racing, hands reaching around for something to use as a weapon. His hands find his phone, which is useless but he pockets it anyway. 

Heeseung didn’t even realise when he had fallen asleep. A trail of cold sweat runs down his nape.

“Jay hyung, it’s fine.” Ni-ki's voice reaches his room and it takes a moment for Heeseung to recognize that the scream had belonged to Jongseong. 

He throws the blankets off him, almost tripping over it in his haste to get off the bed.

The first thing he sees when he opens his door is Jay’s horrified face.

“Jongseong,” Heeseung wraps a hand around Jay’s arm.

He ignores how hot and confused it makes him feel knowing that he can wrap almost his whole hand around Jay’s bicep.

“Hey, Jongseong,” Heeseung catches Jay’s eyes, “What’s wrong?”

“Hyung,” Jay grabs Heeseung’s shoulders with both of his hands. 

Time feels as if it’s moving through water, slow and heavy.

“They’re saying I have boobs.”

Five seconds of silence before Ni-ki, who Heeseung had belatedly acknowledged his existence, bursts into laughter, Heeseung opens his mouth and snaps it shut.

“Boobs?” Heeseung manages to croak out.

“Someone even called it joobs.” Jay sounds close to hysterics.

“Joobs?”

“Jay's boobs.” Ni-ki answers the question, shoving his phone in Heeseung’s face. 

👩‍💻@chuunnelli 

Joobs = Jay’s boobs 

8 reply | 279 retweets | 1.3k likes

Relief seeps into Heeseung, and laughter bubbles out of him. He doubles over from how incredulous the situation is. Fuck, he was worried over Jay’s pecs.

“What's up?” Sunghoon asks as he joins them, toothbrush in hand and shaving cream residue on his chin.

“They're calling my chest boobs,” Jay hisses out, taking Ni-ki’s phone from his hand to show it to Sunghoon.

Sunghoon reads the tweet before giving Jay a once over. Jay has his lips in a straight line but Heeseung can see the shy way he tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. 

“Hm well I can see why,” Sunghoon comments, wiping his chin with the back of his hand.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

Heeseung has to agree, he can’t help raking his own eyes up and down Jay’s body after that comment. Jay has been working out and the reward is he’s all lean muscles, tiny waist and big pecs. His skin has a natural pink flush after his workouts, he should be the ambassador of a make-up brand. He’d look so good. 

“Do you think I'd look good with a mustache?” Sunghoon’s voice breaks Heeseung out of his reverie.

Ni-ki is standing to the side, recording Sunghoon and Jay’s daily banter. 

“Oh fuck off.” Heeseung hears Jay reply when he walks towards the door.

Quietly Heeseung escapes out, closing the door gently behind him. He’ll just shower at the company after he busies himself doing everything and anything. Heeseung doesn’t think he can stay sane being in the same room as Jay. He pats himself down, grateful when he feels the outline of his phone in his pocket.

Heeseung rubs a hand over his face and thinks about JayJayJayJongseongchestwaisthairhandskisskisskiss. 

He was already doomed the moment he met Jay 9 years ago, when their eyes met through the practice mirror and Jay had looked away - even before Heeseung knew his name, in some ways he already knew he’d be doomed.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

👩‍💻@chuunnelli 

Joobs = Jay’s boobs 

8 reply | 279 retweets | 1.3k likes

→  ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang Reply 👩‍💻@chuunnelli big titties ♥️

→ Reply 👩‍💻@chuunnelli Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang heeseung looking at his chest and saying “you have a big… heart”

Heeseung coughs into his fist, looking away as he scrolls, somehow feeling like he had been caught.

Nora🌷@tecaniew 

Sunghoon: I miss her man

Ni-ki: I bet she bad

Sunghoon: My grandma man

0 reply | 714 retweets | 1.1k likes

Friendship, right.

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

🐱: because Jay is Enhypen’s pretty boy

🐹: he is the prettiest boy actually

TELL THEM HEESEUNGGGG

0 reply |606 retweets | 1.4k likes

heidi. @crownedrage 

when you’re in a who loves jongseong best and jungwon and heeseung walk in…. you walk away

63 reply | 385 retweets | 927 likes

Heeseung bites his lip, brought back to the day of the recording for Outside's fan chant.

"Jay hyung is a pretty boy," Jungwon had commented in passing and for some reason Heeseung had wanted to one up him.

"He's the prettiest boy."

It isn't a lie, Jay really is the prettiest boy he's ever laid his eyes on, every year he gets even prettier - everyone with eyes can see that. People are always talking about how Jungwon's always complimenting Jay and while it is true, the members are generous with their compliments too, except maybe they're not taken as seriously as they always tease Jongseong. 

Doesn't make their words are any less true. 

And Jay never said anything about it, just giggled.

Heeseung sighs, tossing his phone beside him. No matter where he goes, what he does, his mind will wander back to Jongseong.

The thing is, just because Jay sort of kissed him, it didn't have to mean anything, Heeseung tries to excuse it himself. Jongseong could have been really drunk and accidentally did it, thinking Heeseung was someone else, right?

Seems plausible.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Weverse

June 26, 2025

Get outside 🔥

📷[Mirror selfies of Heeseung in a black tank top]

36k comments

June 26

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Jongseong 

Hyung are you asking people to touch grass? keke [18:27]

Heeseung racks his brain for something to reply but finds nothing. Everything sounds too forced or not casual enough in his eyes. He doesn’t reply and heads for the shower.

When he enters their dorm, quietly tiptoeing to his room, he hears Jay’s voice in Sunghoon’s room. See? He's perfectly fine.

It might have been Heeseung's mind playing tricks on him that night.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

At night nothing is funny anymore.

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang 

i wasn't looking at his boobs, they were looking at me

0 reply | 8 retweets | 27 likes

→ Lily. @Nyletherlily Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang how do u know what pronouns his boobs go by

made with love, kei @norawhics 

jay has always been pretty 😫 have you guys forgotten i-land DNA jay

1 reply | 7 retweets | 36 likes

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

Can someone edit the he wants the cookie so bad meme with heejay

0 reply | 273 retweets | 312 likes

heidi. @crownedrage 

heeseung red hair jay red jacket, this can only mean one thing in korea

3 reply | 846 retweets | 1.7k likes

charles x jongseong 🏎️ @jeengreun

heeseung holding the hamster above toothless... he wants to top that ass

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling 

body crazy curvy wavy BIG titties LITTLE waist jongseong thee stallion

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

The digital clock blares 00:17 A.M. in red neon. When Heeseung closes his eyes all he can see is Jay, JayJayJongseongJongseong.

Jay in a tight black compression shirt where his chest pops out, Jay in his baggy pink sweater as he plays with the sleeves, Jay looking up at him with sparkly innocent eyes in between his legs. Shit.

Heeseung can feel himself get hard at the image. He inhales a shaky breath - there’s guilt in his mind even as he trails his hand down his tummy, giving himself goosebumps. His hands go lower, under the waistband of his sweatpants and reaching his-

Heeseung jumps at the knock on his door. Feeling frustrated, he hastily tucks himself in and gets up, ready to yell. Heeseung opens the door wide, a cuss word on the tip of his tongue.

“Heeseung hyung.” Jay’s voice is small.

Heeseung takes in a deep breath, feeling a headache making its way to his head.

“What?” Heeseung tried really really hard not to show how angry he is but he can’t help the hint of frustration in his tone.

“I just wanted to check up on you,” Jay is cowering a bit, his hand fiddling with the hem of his- Goddamnit Heeseung realises, it’s the forsaken pink hoodie. The one that's two sizes too big and swallows him completely. 

Heeseung wants to yell, wants to twist his fingers at the front of the hoodie and-

“I’m fine,” Heeseung snaps, “I’m just tired.”

“You shouldn’t push yourself too hard.” Jay’s eyes are worried even with fear laced in them.

“I won’t. Go bother Sunghoon.”

Jay’s hand holds onto the side of the door before Heeseung manages to close it all the way.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Heeseung feels his jaw drawn tight.

“Lay off me okay? I’m just stressed.”

“Okay hyung,” Jay looks sad. “Goodnight.”

Heeseung closes the door with a soft click, sliding down it the moment he hears Jay’s footsteps walk away. Heeseung looks down at himself and realises he’s still half hard. 

Fuck Jongseong and his stupid cute face.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Cute." Jay says into the mic, smiling at Heeseung the same way Jongseong does in his dreams.

The hair clip on Heeseung's hair feels like a brick. Jay's sparkly wide eyes bore into Heeseung's soul. Heeseung pretends to be in a dream; he gives Jay the best smile he can muster and it works because in his dream he is happy. Everyone is happy. 

When his eyes meet Jay's, he smiles wider.

Something unknown twinkles Jay's eyes and his smile wavers for a second before it goes back to the bright all teeth one. The twinkle is gone.

Heeseung's eyes trail after Jay the whole day, when he's playing with Jungwon and Sunghoon, when he's digging through the boxes - there's a nagging feeling telling Heeseung that something is wrong. 

But every time their eyes meet, there's nothing.

In the van, on their way home, Heeseung doesn't sit beside Jongseong. Ni-ki gives him a look that he does not return. Heeseung plugs in his earphones and looks out the window, he makes it a point to not respond or look at anyone.

He doesn't know what's real anymore.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

I don’t think the members rarely compliment Jay, I think its that Jay doesn’t think the compliments are genuine :( He probably thinks its them teasing

0 reply | 75 retweets | 641 likes

→  ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang Reply 藍.🩸@wasabisunoo this hits me way too hard that i'm clutching my chest so hard 😢

→ Reply 藍.🩸@wasabisunoo Reply ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang he has such a self deprecating humour too :(( 

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang

jeng imut bener era hamilnya dia deh ini

2 reply | 120 retweets | 276 likes

👩‍💻@chuunnelli 

prettiest boy 😭😭😭😭😭😭 heeseung's pretty boy. enhypen's prettiest boy. Are u fucking kidding me

8 reply | 2 retweets | 18 likes

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling

HEEJAY PARANG INAASAR NIYO NALANG AKO BAKIT KAYO GANYAN!!!!!!!

0 reply | 71 retweets | 300 likes

Vijae (no longer child of divorced) @hijeimut 

heeseung can you please tell us if jay's waist is as soft as it looks thanks x

83 replies | 634 retweets | 1.7k likes

charles x jongseong 🏎️ @jeengreun

Enhypen as F1 racers 🏁

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

There's a four knock sequence at his door. Heeseung glances at his digital clock; 09:25 P.M. - It's too early to pretend to be asleep. Heeseung swallows the lump in his throat.

"Come in."

Heeseung prays Jay doesn't hear him, so he'll walk away. However, Jay had always been good at listening, even at things that are unspoken.

"Hey hyung," Jay’s smile is tired and strained as he leans against the door way. 

Heeseung feels his heart drop at that, Jay should never smile like that. He deserves to have all the sunny smiles in the world, not the crooked lopsided one on his face right now. Heeseung's hand twitch by his side, so used to patting the spot beside him and letting Jay cling to him.

“Hi," Heeseung greets him, even though his eyes are trained on the phone in his hands. It's not even unlocked but Heeseung taps it repeatedly, pretending to be busy.

“Our video is up now,” Jay shakes his phone in his hand. “The one on Rakkonz's channel.”

“Ah,” Heeseung just remembered about that shooting they did. “Thanks, I’ll watch it later.”

Jay nods, straightening himself. Silence engulfs them for a few minutes and Heeseung knows this because he keeps looking back at his clock. 

Jay clears his throat.

“Thank you by the way.” 

Heeseung furrows his brows, trying to remember if he's done anything to warrant a thank you instead of a fuck you.

“Huh? For what?” 

When Jay doesn't immediately answer, Heeseung looks at him worriedly. 

“For not being weird even after finding out I like you.”

Heeseung feels as if the ground had cracked open and eaten him. Unarmed, blindsided, unready. Everyone is screaming Heeseung get out of the way but Heeseung stands there motionless.

The sarcasm dripping from Jay's words feel like venom.

Heeseung tries to grab onto the incoherent words running through his mind but all he can manage is a breathless, “Jongseong.”

“Don't,” Jay holds a hand out, the other tucked in his pocket. “I know you know.”

Heeseung stays silent as his world spins. The tsunami waves are on their way to enclose Heeseung in the middle of earth. All Heeseung can do is stare.

“When did you find out? I'm sure it's recent, right? It couldn't be long.” Jay tucks his hair behind his ear, looking absolutely lost, “That's why you’ve only been avoiding me these past few days, if you found out before… I don't think you would have agreed to the marketing strategy at all.”

“Jay,” Heeseung chokes out, his fists bunching up the blanket on his lap.

“Ah so it's Jay now? Honestly, how did you even find out?”

Heeseung stays quiet. He can see the moment Jay connects the dot and his eyes widen in realization. Shit.

"You were asleep," The sentence comes out more as a dreaded question, "I thought you were asleep."

“No, Jay,” Heeseung tries again, taking a deep breath before replying honestly, “I was. Sort of. I was half asleep."

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you-"

"I don't know- and right now, I don't know what to tell you.”

Jay looks down at the ground - he looks so so so sad, and so so so apologetic. He's clutching his chest and Heeseung’s heart aches. 

“You don't have to say anything. I do, I think. I mean I know I do. I do owe you an apology. I can't imagine how heavy it must feel…”

Jay bites his lip and looks down, Heeseung can tell he’s holding back his tears. 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry, hyung. I didn't mean to-" 

"It's fine," Heeseung hesitates, not sure what to say. "It's normal right? Everyone kisses their friend. Sometimes." 

If you forget about this like you did five years ago, we can pretend it never happened. Again.

Jay shakes his head, "No, not like that. I overstepped and... I shouldn't have."

But Heeseung doesn't regret the kiss.

"I'll just pretend it never happened," Heeseung watches as grief overtakes Jongseong's expression.

"I'm so sorry." 

"I know." 

Jay reaches for the door knob. Heeseung was so sure he was going to slam it close. Instead, he begins talking again.

There's fear and there's courage, Heeseung has a bad feeling about this.

"I'm sorry for kissing you."

A strangled noise escapes Heeseung.

"I'm not sorry for loving you. More than a friend should."

Heeseung opens and closes his mouth several times. Nothing comes out. If Jay didn't admit it, they could have just went back to how they usually are after a day or two. All Heeseung needed was time, just like before.

Jay chuckles wetly, shifting his feet. His voice sounds shaky when he speaks.

“You don't have to- Please don't overthink this, don't- don't think about me or my feelings. I’ve been dealing with them for years. I know how to keep them under control.”

A pause. “At least I hope I do.”

“If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable or, just,” Jay laughs this time, a sad sound. Like wet cloth thrown on the floor as a dirty rug. “I don't know, sorry. Let me try that again. If I ever do anything you don't like, please tell me.”

Jay looks up at Heeseung again, but Heeseung can tell that he’s not really here - his mind is probably running on a treadmill. Somewhere far away. Maybe he's imagining what would have happened if Heeseung just pulled him in. If Heeseung would just move his legs and run to Jay's awaiting arms.

Heeseung does none of that.

“Please let me still be your friend,” Jay pleads. “Nothing has to change, I promise. I don't want anything to change. Please.”

Heeseung feels his heart breaking into a million pieces, puncturing his artery walls. He is bleeding on the inside.

“Yeah of course, nothing has to change,” Heeseung throws the blanket to the side, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. 

“I’ll try to… yeah,” Heeseung runs his fingers through his hair and stands up but Jay takes a step back.

The crack in his heart magnifies. Something big and bright and prickly is stuck in Heeseung’s throat. He feels the need to apologize, to reach out to Jay and pull him in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Jongseongie.”

Heeseung takes one step closer, and Jay takes one step back with his hand twisting the doorknob. This is a game where they both will lose.

“Please don't apologize.”

Heeseung stands in the middle of his room, a giant star lodged in his throat. Unmoving.

“Thank you,” Jay smiles but it trembles. “Goodnight, hyung.”

The door closes.

Heeseung falls back on his bed, legs shaking.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

The day is a blur altogether. Heeseung is a mess. That night he imagines Jongseong and him, something soft and gentle then he'll wake up panting from a nightmare where Jay walks away from them.

No, not a nightmare - it was sweet, gentle, and tender. But something bad always happens, a rose thorn is permanently lodged in his chest.

It feels like a bad omen. 

How would the members react? How would their parents react? How would they go about it? What would the company say? What would the fans say? What would Jongseong say? What about his twitter account? What if the fans found out? Now what?

Loving someone doesn't mean being with them. But Heeseung badly wants to.

If only Heeseung could take this chance in his hands and malleablize it into something that will not hurt anyone. Not him, not the fans and especially not Jongseong.

Heeseung feels his desire burn brighter whenever he sees Jongseong, drawn to him helplessly - a prey to his siren eyes - as words dissolve in air and all he wants to do is pull Jay closer closer closeclosecloser. 

"Move your hips man," Jake complains to Sunghoon. 

"Why?" Sunghoon looks affronted, "So you can objectify me?"

"You're not doing the dance right!"

Jay groans from where he's sprawled on the floor, "Stop it!"

Laughter fills the room. Heeseung feels as if everything is normal again with the bickering in between dance practice. He lets his eyes rest on Jay's relaxed figure. It's not fair how close they are, when it feels as if they're a galaxy away from each other.

"Twitter user chuunnelli says that we should start a JJongmouse agenda," Ni-ki announces to everyone.

Jay flops on the ground like a starfish as everyone joins the discussion.

"No, no," Sunoo resists, "Bunny Jay. It even rhymes."

Heeseung laughs heartily at the loud boos resounding. Then when Jay turns to look at him, Heeseung looks away. Shame and dread fills his lungs. Shame at not having the right words to say and dread because he can't put off being alone in the same room as Jay any longer.

There will be fan signs and showcase and events and that damn marketing strategy is still on the damn table.

After practice when everyone heads out except for Heeseung, he shoots Jungwon a quick text about going out for a walk before he slowly packs up his stuff. After he's done, he slings his bag over his shoulder and stops.

"What are you doing?"

The way Heeseung says it is accusatory. As if Jay is a criminal caught in the act of stealing.

“I didn't want you to be alone." Jay's shifting on his feet, one hand keeping the door open.

"Thanks," Heeseung says stiffly, "But I'm going to take a walk."

Jay's still lingering by the door way, not catching the hint. His face is filled with hope.

"Alone."

"Oh, sorry..." Jay looks embarrassed.

"Sorry, I just need to clear my head," Heeseung scratches his head awkwardly, "By myself."

"Okay," Jay says softly, looking away when he closes the door.

When Heesueng returns, it's dark out. As he passes by Sunghoon's room he can hear Jay laughing and Heeseung absolutely does not lose it. He puts in his earphones and watches Ni-ki and Sunoo on Minju's Pink Cabinet.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jungwon is right. Once you start looking, you notice everything.

The curve of Jongseong's smile and hips, the way he's almost always pouting, how his eyes become bigger when he's thinking about something, the way his hair always falls into his eyes, the nose scrunch when someone back hugs him unexpectedly, the way his voice raises a pitch higher when he's frustrated, the way he absorbs every little detail during dance practice, his tiny waist, the dip in his back muscles, his soft tummy, the scars on his face that enhances his beauty.

Heeseung wants to touch, to let his fingers trace the dip and raise of every rib on Jay's bare chest, to hear his sharp intake of breath when his fingers trail lower and lower. Heeseung wants to see how far down his blush could travel.

Jay hadn't even looked at him today. He had trailed after Sunghoon and Jake wherever they went. It's not an uncommon scene but Heeseung feels pissed that Jay had confronted him, had told him nothing has to change, when he can't even hold his end of the promise.

There's so much shame Heeseung feels at the thought. It's not Jay's fault he was shitty the last few days and now that the turns have tabled, Heeseung's the one angry. He has no right to. Not after what he made Jay go through.

There's the sound of sneakers on pavement and Heeseung doesn't need to look to know who it is. Heeseung was the one to call him up here after all.

"People are going to catch us up here someday and it's going to be some big scandal."

The words tug at Heeseung's heart until it drops to his stomach. Another reminder that they will never get an ordinary life.

"Or it could just be friends hanging out." Heeseung can't help the bitterness seeping through.

"I was just kidding hyung," Jungwon leans against the balcony railing beside Heeseung, staring at him curiously. "Is this about how you rejected Jay hyung?"

"I didn't reject him," Heeseung snaps at Jungwon.

Jungwon clicks his tongue.

"Why are you talking to me like I'm the one who hurt him?"

The shame coils tight around Heeseung's heart, his chest burns at the words. Tears collect at Heeseung's eyes in frustration.

"Did he tell you anything?"

Jungwon laughs a wicked sound, "It's Jay hyung we're talking about. He wouldn't tell me anything unless I point a gun at him, especially if it's something that will make you look bad."

Heeseung wipes the tears away before they can make their way down.

"It was Sunghoon hyung, he got worried." Jungwon explains, "He knows everything. He knew even before me."

"About what?"

"About everything, Jay hyung liking you, the couple marketing - the sleepover and all."

"Oh wow," Heeseung sniffles.

Heeseung is honestly impressed at how secretive Sunghoon is, when Heeseung had always thought of him as someone who couldn't keep a secret even if his life depended on it. Some things you really can't tell. He didn't dub Sunghoon as someone who would enjoy spongebob either but here they are.

Jungwon nods but doesn't say anything else, just stretches out one of his arms to wrap around Heeseung's shoulder. Heeseung welcomes the warm embrace. They stare at the street lights for a minute before Heeseung breaks the silence.

"Don't you think its cute that Jongseong listens to everything I say?"

Jungwon hums, his stance more relaxed than before.

"It's cuter that you let him do anything to you," Jungwon is probably talking about the hair clip video from yesterday. 

Heeseung doesn't deny it, instead he leans against Jungwon's broad shoulder. With Jay it felt intimate, comforting but intimate and with Jungwon it feels just comforting. Obviously, Heeseung reprimands himself, It's not like you see Jungwon the way you see Jay.

"I wanted to tell you when we got back from Thailand," Heeseung sighs, "For a moment I thought..."

"You thought?"

"I thought I could do it- could have him and my dreams and everything."

"So what changed?"

"I don't think I can put him through that," Heeseung's voice shakes a bit from holding back tears. "We'll have to be so careful, if it ever gets out- I can't imagine what other people will say. If the company terminates our contract, if our family finds out and- and, hate us. I can't put him through that."

"You've been thinking a lot on your own haven't you?" Jungwon squeezes Heeseung closer. Reassuring. 

"I don't even know what our members will say."

Jungwon snorts at that, "They'll live. I'm sure they all know, maybe some of them have even placed bets."

"You think even Ni-ki and Jake know?"

Jungwon laughs, something lighter and genuine this time, "I think they knew before even you knew."

Heeseung rubs his nose with the back of his hand, blinking back tears.

"If your family truly loves you, they would love you just the same," There's a tint of sadness in Jungwon's voice when he says it, almost as if he's reminiscing. "And if they don't, you still have this family. You have us."

Heeseung lets the weight of the words settle in him and Jungwon rubs his shoulder.

"Just make your family sign an NDA before you tell them, if something happens we'll take legal actions."

Heeseung can't imagine his mom and brother being that cruel. If he actually puts his thought into it, wouldn't Heedo be too happy that Jay would sort of be a part of their family? Heeseung had always been a little too jealous to introduce Jay to his brother.

Jungwon rests his head on top of Heeseung's, hand still rubbing his shoulder.

"As a leader I’m obligated to tell you that this is dangerous, that if you misstep there will be a lot of consequences but that’s for our PR team to think about."

Heeseung laughs, his eyes looking down at the fallen stars beneath them. Orange and glowy.

“As a friend and as someone who loves you, I’m telling you that this job has taken everything from you,” Jungwon gives Heeseung another squeeze, his eyes absorbing the stars from the street lights beneath them. “Don’t let it take this from you too.”

The stars morph into tiny glowing figures, then into him and all his members. They're running freely through the streets. Sunghoon, Ni-ki and Jake break into a run, an impromptu race as Jungwon catches up with them while nagging about being careful. Sunoo is right behind, his laughter escaping between his fingers. Jay and Heeseung are at the back, holding hands and looking at each other. Heeseung lifts their hands to ghost a kiss on the back of Jay's hand.

Heeseung smiles just thinking about it. Everything morphs into white doves, flying away from him and leaving him lighter than ever. Heeseung can't let anyone take this from him. Not in another lifetime where there are cowboys and not in this one either. Heeseung exhales a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I won't," he promises.

"Good! Anything else you want to tell me?"

Heeseung thinks about it for a minute. 

"I like it when he asks me for reassurance."

"Okay?"

"I want to tell him something like," a pause, "Good boy."

"Woah okay," Jungwon pulls away from their embrace, lips pulled in a grimace. "Stop I don't want to know your kinks."

"It's not a kink," Heeseung defends.

Jungwon doesn't look convinced.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

It's definitely a kink.

Heeseung was trying to prove him wrong. He imagines saying 'Good boy' to Jay and in his mind Jay's eyes flicker with want, panting and begging 'say it again, hyung, please'. Heeseung is ashamed by how fast he had came.

Heeseung feels as if his face is on fire as he exits the bathroom, almost thankful everyone had already slept when he bumps into Sunghoon, dozing off on the living room couch. 

"Sunghoon," Heeseung can feel the fire traveling down his chest and up his ears. "What are you doing?"

"Ah hyung," Sunghoon staggers when he stands up, clearly still sleepy. "Are you done with your business?"

"I was just washing my hands."

Sunghoon grunts out something between a 'sure' and a snort before putting a hand on Heeseung's shoulder, steadying himself.

"Of course you have to wash your hands afterwards."

Sunghoon stumbles like a drunk to their shared bathroom.

Heeseung runs to his room, rolling on the floor as soon as he closes the door behind him.

It always comes back stronger, Ni-ki had said. He was right.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

藍.🩸@wasabisunoo 

New heejay trope: Divorce of convenience

0 reply | 714 retweets | 1.1k likes

Lily. @Nyletherlily 

Heejay as Dostoevsky excerpts:

There are strange friendships: two friends almost want to devour each other, and they spend their whole lives living that way, but meanwhile they cannot part.

0 reply | 273 retweets | 312 likes

rina ★ @blushfaery 

remember in 2023 heejay went on a boat ride together and heeseung wanted to go all the way far so they could hide or is everyone else normal

4 reply | 73 retweets | 273 likes

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Q&A WITH THE MODERN VAMPIRES : ENHYPEN (video)
By Lucy Natasha

JUNE 30, 2025 

1. Recent favourite movie:

SN: I watch a lot of shows, I don't think I can choose just one.

JW: Maybe we'll share our list later.

NK: I don't play favourites, I like everything I watch. If I'm not interested in something, I won't watch it.

JY: To be honest I haven't watched that many shows...

JK: We're Youtube people, we watch Youtube videos.

SH: Favourite is a heavy word, but I recently watched an anime series, what was it again? [to Ni-ki]

NK: The Apothecary Diaries. It's a good show.

SH: Yeah, it's very good. I heard it's based on a novel series, I'll try looking it up later.

2. If super powers existed, what kind of super power would you want?

JY: Jungwon would have healing powers.

SN: [laughing] Why are you choosing for him?

JY: Sunoo would have pyro.

NK: Pyro?

JY: Fire, because he's the sun.

SH: Then Jay would be like avatar.

JY: Wind bending sounds good. Ah, this question is quite hard, there's too many.

SH: Heeseung hyung what would you be? 

HS: Something related to music?

JK: You'd be a fairy! A music fairy.

NK: Heeseung hyung is a part of Winx club.

JY: He's our Musa. Jake and Sunghoon can be Stella and Flora then. Ni-ki, ah... Tecna?

[All laughing]

JY: Suddenly we're turning into Winx club characters.

JW: Wouldn't you be the principal? The old woman.

3. If you were a flavor of ice cream, what flavor would you be and why?

SN: Mint choco.

JW: probably mango? Everyone likes mango right?

JK: No, that's an acquired taste. 

SH: But the best people like mango!

HS: Jay would be chocolate.

JY: [surprised] Me? So suddenly?

HS: Chocolate releases dopamine, since Jay is the mood maker of Enhypen...

JY: Heeseung hyung would be Vanilla.

HS: Why?

JY: [laughing] So we match. Vanilla and chocolate.

JK: Me and Sunghoon are strawberry and blueberry. 

SH: We're also matching.

4. Do you catch yourself singing or dancing in the shower?

Everyone: Of course.

HS: The shower is the only concert you're allowed to make mistakes at.

JW: Not for me.

SN: He's still strict with his singing...

JY: Even in the shower? Aren't you too strict. 

NK: We should make him (Jungwon) stand outside our shower and judge everyone.

SH: Give him score cards.

JK: Imagine getting out (the shower) and Jungwon is holding a one star.

5. Share a recent TMI:

SN: Me and Jungwon went to the movies recently.

JW: [nodding] twice, two days straight.

JK: Me, Sunghoon and Jay went out shopping.

SH: Ni-ki didn't want to go with us.

NK: I stayed home the whole day and slept. It was the best day of my life.

JY: More than hanging out with your hyung?

HS: I did the same thing, I stayed in and just slept.

6. If there's one place you can travel to, where would it be?

NK: Michael Jackson's concert.

JW: That's not a place. That's time travel.

JK: Does it have to be a place? I want to go back to my grandma's house.

SH: I want to go to Jake's grandma's house too.

SN: I want to go watch the Aurora, I want to go somewhere I can see them.

JW: Since a lot of people are going, then I want to go to Jake's grandma's too.

JY: Edinburgh. Some of my relatives are there and the photos they send sometimes... All I can say is I'm jealous.

HS: Wherever Jay goes, I'll go.

JY: [looking at Heeseung] Would you really go wherever I go?

HS: Yes, you're fun to be around. Wherever Jay goes. I'm there too.

7. What advice would you give your younger Self?

SN: Eat more vegetables, stay healthy and most importantly have fun.

SH: Be more confident, there are a lot of people rooting for you.

JK: I don't have any regrets, I've always done what I wanted to in the moment. I hope I'll continue to do so.

NK: Don't be too hard on yourself, living is all about learning new things.

HS: You should tell your current self (the same thing) too.

JY: Younger Park Jongseong, do what you love and what you love will always come back to you.

HS: Younger Lee Heeseung, this life is not a prison. Live it. Love it.

8. What would you like to be remembered about you?

HS: That I lived a good life.

SN: I was about to say the same.

JW: Then I'll say it (for everyone), please live a good life!

NK: Engenes and Enhypen, let's all live a great life together.

JY: Live a life that, if death comes for you, you can say you've lived well.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"You wanted to see me?"

Jay closes the door behind him gently, leaning against it as he watches Heeseung wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. Heeseung is perched at the edge of his bed, summoning everything in him to stay and not run away even though it's his own room.

Heeseung pats the space beside him but Jongseong stays rooted by the door. Valid reaction, Heeseung thinks.

"Yeah, thanks for... coming." Heeseung hits himself in the face in his head.

"Of course," Jay nods. "You called."

Heeseung takes in a deep breath, reminding himself one step at a time.

"I want to say sorry for how I've been acting. Sometimes I'm- no, not sometimes. I'm an ass and I, uh, I'm sorry. For everything."

Before Jay can answer, Heeseung repeats it again clearer. The first step is to say sorry and mean it.

"I'm sorry for being an asshole. For being rude to you when you were just concerned for me. For being a bad friend. For being bad with my own feelings."

Jay gives him a reassuring smile that tugs at Heeseung's heartstrings, "It's okay hyung, I can't imagine it was easy for you."

"I wasn't as hard as it is for you."

Jay looks down at that, simply nodding.

Heeseung clears his throat.

"You told me to tell you if you ever do anything I dislike..."

In hindsight, Heeseung should have known what a bad opening line that was because Jay's face falls immediately. Say something Lee Heeseung what the hell. Heeseung's grasping at the words in his head to make some sense.

"Oh. What did I do?"

"You hangout around Sunghoon and Jake too much," Heeseung says instead.

Get to the point please. "You haven't asked me out in a while."

Silence. 

"I mean. To go shopping together."

Jay nods again but his lips are pulled in a pout, most likely confused from Heeseung's train of thought. Heeseung is, too.

"I missed you. A lot."

A slow nod.

"I want to hangout with you again."

A fast nod.

"Just the two of us."

A tilted head nod.

Oh for fucks sake. "So, I'm basically saying I like you."

Heeseung can see the moment the words sink in by the way Jongseong's hands twitch at his side, his expression schooled to fake calmness that is betrayed by the way his eyes start looking at every corner of the room, as if he's looking for a hidden camera.

"What?"

Okay Plan B: Go insane and see if Jay still likes him after that.

"I'm going to do something really stupid now," Heeseung warns.

He stands up and reaches Jongseong in five strides, caging the smaller man by placing both his arms on the wall behind Jongseong. Jongseong is staring at him with wide eyes, his breath audibly catching in his throat. Towering over him like this, Heeseung feels a surge of power and want overtake him. Heeseung watches Jay's adam apple bob when he swallows.

"Hyung?" Jay sounds so breathless and so damn pretty.

"I like you. Really really like you."

Heeseung watches the way Jay's pupil dilate at those words alone. He doesn't stop the words tumbling out his mouth.

"In the same way you do, hell, probably more than I'm admitting right now. I like you, fuck I like you so much Jongseong I'm going insane." 

"Hyung," Jay's voice has a tiny whine to it. " What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I like you, I like you I like you and I'm sorry for everything and I know I'm asking you to risk everything and I can't promise you that this won't hurt," Heeseung leans closer, his forearms touching the wall. "But please let me love you from now on."

Anticipation hangs in the silent air, going way past a few seconds. Jongseong is breathing hard, like he doesn't believe what he's hearing and seeing. Heeseung's silhouette casts a shadow over Jongseong's face but somehow even in the dark Heeseung can count the doubts shining in his eyes. The white noise rings loud in Heeseung's ears, his courage dissipating before finally Jay whispers,

"Please push me away if you don't want this." 

Jay grabs the front of Heeseung's shirt, twisting his fingers in the fabric and pulling him down until they're inches apart. Heeseung was afraid he'd fall down and embarrass himself. Thankfully his forearms manage to keep him in place.

"Heeseung hyung," Jay searches for something in Heeseung's eyes like he did all those years ago. This time he finds what he's looking for because he tilts his head and leans forward, sealing their lips together.

Sparks fly inside of Heeseung, a firework show on New Year's, the clouds collapse and contract - a star is born. 

When Jay begins to pull away, Heeseung brings down one hand to cradle the back of his head, keeping Jay in place as he surges forward, deepening the kiss.

Jay only manages a sharp inhale through his mouth before Heeseung - for the lack of more grandeur words - shoves his tongue in.

Jay's hands fly to Heeseung's shoulders, holding on for dear life as Heeseung pulls him closer, closer, closer, his other arm winding around Jay's soft waist.

Heeseung gives it a squeeze just to hear Jongseong groan into his mouth before pulling away. Heeseung lets him this time, laughing at the pink in his cheeks and the immediate inhale for air.

"Breathe through your nose Jongseong," Heeseung reminds him, leaning in for another kiss.

And another, and another. The blush on Jay's face keeps getting darker and darker, traveling down the low cut collar of his shirt. After the third kiss, Heeseung pulls away and bursts into laughter, hiding his face in Jay's shoulder.

"What?" Jay whines, fisting his shirt by the shoulders. "Why are you laughing at me?" 

Heeseung puts some distance between them, letting his arm around Jay's waist fall as the other continues to cradle Jay's head. Jay scrunches up his nose, pouting.

"Your lips," Heeseung explains with a grin, trailing his hand from the back of Jay's head to his jaw. His thumb sweeps the wetness on Jay's bottom lip. "They're swollen. It's cute." 

Jay slaps Heeseung on the arm, "Your fault." 

"Yeah, it is," Heeseung brushes the bangs away from Jay's eyes, "You're so pretty." 

Jay rolls his eyes but his hand comes up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ears. 

Heeseung pulls him into a sudden tight hug, inhaling his scent. If Jay was startled, he didn't show it - resting his chin on Heeseung's shoulder, his arms around the other man's waist.

They embrace quietly for a moment.

"You're so pretty it's unfair."

Jay snorts, "What's unfair? You're really pretty too hyung. Do you know what they're calling you on twitter? Sheeseung. Sometimes Herseung." 

Heeseung laughs at that, imagining the edits of him with long hair. 

"Gotta admit, I'd be really pretty as a girl." 

"You're already really pretty right now though?" 

Heeseung hides his smile in Jay's shoulder.

The silence this time is comfortable, warm but not burning. It's nice, with Jay in his arms. Heeseung could stay here forever. However, Jay seems like he can't. Jay begins to squirm in Heeseung's arms.

"I promised to have dinner with Ni-ki," Jay sighs.

Heeseung groans, squeezing Jay tighter in his arms.

"We're going on a walk after dinner." 

Heeseung groans even louder.

"Are you a caveman?" Jay pokes Heeseung in the stomach. "Use your words."

"Is dinner more important than..." Heeseung tests the word out, "Your boyfriend?" 

Jay in all his entirety, starts giggling - his whole body vibrating. Heeseung can hear Jake making gagging noises in the back of his mind. Why do the voices in his head sound like his members sometimes?

The first thing Heeseung feels is shame, shame at assuming, at saying such a thing, to even insinuate such a thing but then Jay squeezes him back.

"Oh my God, Boyfriend," Jay giggles. "I feel crazy. Am I dreaming? There's no way."

Heeseung pulls away to look Jay in the eye. Jay's sparkly eyes stare back at him and Heeseung can't help but melt under that gaze.

"If you let me, I want to love you in all the right ways now." Cringe fest alert.

Jay bites his lip, eyes growing wider. A spark of doubt is still there. 

"Are you sure you want this with me?" 

"None of that," Heeseung scolds a bit, "Don't censor your words around me. I want a relationship with you, I want this. I want us."

"I'm so afraid I'll wake up and this is just a dream," Jay lifts a hand to touch the side of Heeseung's face.

"It's real, it's very real." Heeseung whispers, wrapping his fingers around Jay's wrist and letting the hand cradle his cheek. 

"Yeah," Jay breathes out, "Boyfriend sounds great to me." 

Heeseung breaks into a wide smile, he leans in-

A loud bang startles them, jumping away from each other. Heeseung hides Jay behind him as his door knob turns and, 

"Are you guys done yet?" Ni-ki's deep voice greets them first before he pops his head in, "Are you guys still kissing?"

"We weren't- I mean," Heeseung turns to Jay who's turning even redder, "Fuck."

Ni-ki raises his eyebrows, unimpressed. He addresses Heeseung with a, "I never knew you could blush like that hyung."

"You guys are done right? With the confession and 'what are we' conversation, right? Because Jay hyung promised to buy me beef."

Jay shakes his head but steps out from behind Heeseung anyway, scowling and grumbling under his breath. "Party pooper."

Heeseung catches Jay by the sleeve before he gets too far, hope so evident in his voice he cringed; "See you later?" 

Jay pulls him down for a quick kiss, eyes crinkling in a smile and cheeks even redder than before.

"Yeah later, hyung."

Ni-ki frowns at Heeseung after Jay steps out the room. Heeseung frowns back at him. 

"What?"

"No sex when I'm home okay?" 

Heeseung slams the door in Ni-ki's face hoping he'd break his nose. Judging by the laughter outside his door, Ni-ki seems to be just fine.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"So," Jay begins, sitting crossed leg across from Heeseung. 

This oddly feels like a reminisce of them earlier June, after the meeting for the marketing strategy. just this time it'sin Heeseung's room. Speaking of which...

"Why does it have to be so formal?" 

Heeseung reaches for the notebook Jay had been scribbling on for the last ten minutes and frowns.

Rules for dating:

- No sex in the kitchen

- No sex in the car

- No sex when Ni-ki and Sunghoon are home

"Did Ni-ki write this?" Heeseung recognizes the handwriting in morbid fascination, "Does he really think we'll just go at it?"

Jay pouts, snatching the notebook back.

"Will we not?"

"Jongseong," Heeseung groans out, slapping a hand over his eyes as if it could stop his mind imagining it.

Jay is on the kitchen counter with his ankles crossed behind Heeseung's back. Heeseung sneaks a hand under Jay's shirt, tracing his adonis belt and going lower, lower, lower.

"Don't do that to me."

"Do what?" Jay huffs tucking strands of hair behind both ears.

The double tuck, as Heeseung calls it, meaning Jay is acting tough when he's actually super shy about it. 

"What were you scribbling then?" 

Jay lowers the notebook so Heeseung could see it again, pointing to the doodles at the side. Heeseung laughs, his boyfriend is damn cute. My boyfriend, Fuck.

"C'mere," Heeseung throws the notebook to the side and pulls Jay to him before he can protest. "Straddle me." 

Jay gawks, arms flailing around as Heeseung tries to pull him in his lap.

"Do you not want to?" 

Jay makes a strangled noise, crawling closer so he can straddle Heeseung's legs.

"Do I not want to? Do I look stupid to you?"

Heeseung laughs again, placing his hands on Jay's soft waist. Dear user hijeimut, Heeseung responds in his head, Jongseong's waist is very very soft. You're welcome! Heeseung buries his nose in the junction between Jongseong's collarbones, inhaling his scent. He can't get enough of it.

Jay cups his face gently with both hands, lifting his head up with a giggle.

"That tickles hyung." 

Heeseung wants to roll on the floor and bang his fists against the wall, Jongseong is so pretty, his Jongseong is so damn pretty. Heeseung leans in for a kiss but Jay stops him with a finger and a very serious pout.

"Heeseung hyung," Jay says very seriously, "We need to make a list. It's very important." 

"Are you taking advice from Ni-ki? He's probably trolling you." 

Jay tilts his head to the side thinking before it dawns on him that yeah, Ni-ki is just fucking with him. 

"Well it couldn't hurt to make a list of what we shouldn't do I suppose," Jay insists half-heartedly. "It's so weird how fast Ni-ki has grown. I swear he was just a baby yesterday!"

"Alright, we won't do it anywhere outside our rooms," Heeseung agrees easily, placing his hand on Jay's nape to pull him in. "Happy?" 

Jay nods. Heeseung knocks their forehead together softly.

"I don't want to talk about Ni-ki while kissing my Jongseong." 

Jay holds in his breath, averting his eyes. Heeseung can feel the heat from Jay's palms seep from where it's still cupping his cheeks.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Heeseung furrows his eyebrows in worry, his thumb rubbing small circles on Jay's nape.

"Nothing."

"That's not nothing," Heeseung goes crossed eye a bit from how close they are, "Tell me."

"It's nothing, hyung."

Heeseung opens his mouth to object but Jay closes the small distance between them with a kiss, all coherent thoughts fly out the window as he melts into the kiss. Jay bites on his bottom lip.

Heeseung could get used to this.

★

Chapter Text

1st July.

July 1

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them. 

Tap to learn more.

Manager #2

Would you and Jay mind coming in for a quick meeting right now? [10:15]

I know it's a day off but it's evaluation time~ [10:15]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Oh I didn't tell you guys last time? I was sure I did," their manager says in the most huh tone possible, one finger tapping his chin like some animated cartoon character. 

"You didn't," Heeseung glances to Jay, "Right?"

Jay doesn't look at Heeseung when he nods.

"Well like I said, this is just temporary. Every few months, or years, we’ll change the ships. It depends on what our marketing team think is best." He talks as he spins in his chair, carefree.

Heeseung and Jay both stare at him warily. The spinning stops.

"You guys are sort of the beta testers," He explains, "Which is why we need your feedback. In the future, we'll take notes on what works and what doesn't. So our team would already have a manual on what everyone should be doing."

Heeseung doesn't even know what to feel anymore

"I'm not doing it," Heeseung shakes his head.

Heeseung looks at Jay expectantly but Jay's busy staring down his lap, deep in thinking about something Heeseung doesn't know.

The other man gives Heeseung a look, as if Heeseung is the one who doesn't understand. 

"We have to amp it up. Attract more people. Think about it."

"There's plenty of ways to attract more people without having to drag this couple-"

"Ship," the manager corrects him, chin up.

"Ship thing on the table. People like us, they like our music. Maybe get us on more variety shows and brand deals instead. There has to be other ways to go about this without putting our feelings to the side."

"Putting your feelings to the side?" He flicks his fingers in Heeseung's direction with a chuckle, "What feelings?"

Jay feels dread slither around him, encaging him akin to a snake and it's prey. The possibility of him knowing about him and Jay surfaces and Heeseung finds it hard to breathe. The snake constricting his airflow. 

"We're still humans," Jay slams one hand on the table, eyes defiant. "If he says he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to."

It's silent for a few seconds. Heeseung can see the gears moving in the devil's head, calculating Jay's every move.

"And you?" He asks Jay in a sickly sweet voice, the devil taunting. "Would you still be willing to do it, Jay?"

A second, a beat, a moment, a wonder.

"I need to think about it."

Heeseung feels as if he's been slapped in the face.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

As soon as they step out the door, Heeseung pulls Jay into an empty meeting room, the door closes with a loud slam behind him. 

"What do you mean you need to think about it?"

Jay snatches back his wrist but doesn't say anything, eyes downcast as he rubs his hands. This time the silence hangs heavy in the air. The room is stuffy without any air-conditioning, windows shut with curtains drawn close. Their breathing is magnified, loud even in their own ears. 

"Did you know?"

Jay's eyes flit to Heeseung for one second but it said enough.

"You knew, wow," Heeseung breathes out, "You knew and you didn't tell me at all."

"Jungwon told me before the meeting," Jay admits in a tiny voice. His eyes are having a staring competition with the floor.

"Did you not think about how I would feel?" Heeseung runs his fingers through his hair, still in disbelief.

"No, that's not it, honest to God, hyung." Jay reaches out to wrap a hesitant hand around Heeseung's wrist, shaking his head. "I was just scared to tell you."

And Heeseung understands that. Because there's so much to fear with the kind of love they share.

Jay had always been brave, facing every challenge head on - and Heeseung knows, understands, that courage is just a shield where fears hide behind. Being brazen doesn't mean he wasn't scared, it just meant that being valiant mattered more. 

"I wanted it, to be with you," Jay confesses, Heeseung can see and feel his hands shaking at the admission. "I wanted it to be with you, even if it wasn't real. Even if it was temporary."

Even if it costs my feelings? Heeseung doesn't say.

Instead Heeseung pulls Jay into an embrace, one arm tight around his shoulder as the other cups the back of Jay's head. Even during heated moments like this Heeseung can't help but notice one other cute thing about his boyfriend - Jay's head is apple shaped.

"I'm not mad," Heeseung says, trying to convince both Jay and himself. "I'm not mad at all."

Jay puts his hands on Heeseung's chest, pushing so he can look Heeseung in the eye. Trying to decipher whether it's a lie or not. 

"I'm not mad," Heeseung repeats, half distracted by the pretty brown in Jay's eyes.

"You told me remember? This is more honest work than people think it is," Heeseung reminds Jay, rubbing the back of his head. "Do you really want to deceive your fans?"

"I'm not lying. Look at us, what we did," Jay bites his lip, "Was that also deceiving?"

"Hey, that's different," Heeseung let's the hand on his waist trail up to cup Jay's cheek in his palm. "I like you, you like me. It's different, you know that."

Heeseung hates the way the silence rings loud in his ear when no one is talking.

"Jongseong, we don't have to agree to this, we can tell everyone else and then they'll all agree to reject the offer too. So, no one has to do it anymore."

"Did you regret doing this with me?"

The answer is instant.

"No, never. It has to be you for me," Heeseung coaxes. "It can't be anyone else, but I don't want to hide my love behind this lie."

Heeseung tucks a strand of hair behind Jay's ear, maintaining eye contact. He needs Jay to understand this - they shouldn't trade their feelings for this occupation.

"We won't have any excuse to... you know," Jay gestures with his hands, "Hold hands, touch- all that whatever subtle bullshit."

"We can be the right amount of subtlety without this marketing strategy."

"What do you think I've been doing for nine years?" Jay snaps back.

Heeseung is taken aback by how bitter Jay sounds. Jay takes a step back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

Heeseung nods slowly, as if he's facing a feral cat, "That's okay."

Jay looks upset, Heeseung tries to pull him in again but Jay side steps him.

"Jongseong, you can tell me anything, you know that right?"

Jay's lips is set in a straight line. "Just let me think about it okay?"

Jay slips out the door before Heeseung even gets to blink. Heeseung's hand hangs in the air, now cold. So cold it burns.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"And you're telling me this because?"

"Because you're his best friend. And he tells you everything," Heeseung emphasizes the word best friend, hoping it'll score extra points with Sunghoon.

It doesn't work.

"You're trying to dig his secrets through me?" 

"No," Heeseung denies it immediately.

Sunghoon tries to close the door on him, "Good night then." 

Heeseung wedges his feet in before Sunghoon manages to close it all the way, one hand holding the door in place.

"I just don't understand-"

"Me neither to be honest, Jongseong is a very complicated man," Sunghoon interrupts, "Thankfully I don't have to handle all that."

"Sunghoon please," Heeseung widens his eyes, hoping it comes off as pleading instead of crazy.

"Fine," Sunghoon opens the door wider, "What do you want me to do?"

"You don't have to do anything, just answer my questions."

Sunghoon nods, listening to Heeseung seriously.

"So he likes me right?"

Sunghoon tries to close the door again.

Heeseung's quicker, both hands holding onto the door now, "Please."

"Obviously! Even my dog can tell you that," Sunghoon leans against the doorway, "Can you please be serious?"

"I am!" Heeseung can't help the way his voice pitches higher, "If he likes me then why is he so against rejecting to be paired with other members?"

"Ah that."

Heeseung raises his eyebrows but Sunghoon just looks at him, nodding at nothing.

"Well?"

Sunghoon pretends to check his nails, "Well. It's because he loves you a lot."

Suddenly he stops, tilting his head at Heeseung, "Wait has he dropped the L bomb yet?"

"L bomb- Wait what do you mean that's why?"

"L word, hyung," Ni-ki comes into view from his left.

Heeseung gave out a yelp he is not proud of and Sunghoon almost slips down from jerking himself back.

"L word, love," Ni-ki says faux dreamily before laughing. "Jay hyung really hasn't said it yet?"

"He's a coward," Sunghoon supplies hopefully.

Heeseung does not like how quick this has turned into a group discussion, but before he can make an exit, Sunghoon gestures to him with one hand.

"Heeseung hyung, he's spent years pining after you. That's a lot of time to overthink."

"What if he doesn't like me, what if he does? then what? what about the company? what if this changes everything? what if he can't do what's best for the company because he's too in love with you?"

Ni-ki whistles at Sunghoon's mimic of Jay's inner monologue which scarily sounds close to Heeseung's own.

"Jungwon was kind of selfish for pairing him with you, and Jay isn't selfish enough to stop you from finding love in other places," Sunghoon finishes, "Or other people."

"Wait what do you mean Jungwon hyung paired Heeseung hyung with Jay hyung? I thought they finally decided to do something about their obvious crushes on each other?" Ni-ki looks to Sunghoon and Heeseung, eyes wide in alert.

"Little kids shouldn't eavesdrop, that's bad." Sunghoon wiggles his pointer finger in Ni-ki's direction, watching their youngest pout in response.

Someone clears throat their throat loudly from Heeseung's right. All three of them share a look before turning to the person.

Jay stands there in all of his 180cm (lie) glory, hands across his chest and the biggest pout on his lips. His eyebrows are furrowed - angry, confused? Heeseung can't tell.

"Hey Jay," Sunghoon laughs awkwardly, nudging Heeseung with his shoulder.

"Sunghoon and I were just," Heeseung turns his terrified eyes to Sunghoon, "Talking about this really funny tweet we saw."

"What tweet?" His eyebrows furrow even more.

Definitely pissed.

"Oh you know," Sunghoon shrugs "That one."

"Hoon, you're a bad liar!" Jay points an accusing finger at Sunghoon before crossing his arms again.

"Oh wow," Similar to other normal daily occurrences, Sunghoon shoots back, "Hormones much?"

"Excuse me?" Jay bugs his eyes out, "That's misogyny."

Heeseung and Ni-ki back away slowly, keeping a good distance between the bickering.

"No its not," Sunghoon snorts, "First of all, you are not a woman, and its not me who's been saying that!"

Jay's eyes immediately turn to Heeseung and Ni-ki. They both shake their head vigorously, hands up in surrender.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, "Not them, it's the people of twitter."

Jay turns his eyes back to Sunghoon.

"Why are you speaking like gru?"

"Gru does not speak like that," Heeseung finally decides to intervene. Jay glares at him.

"They're saying you have that pregnancy glow," Sunghoon continues.

"What the fuck does that mean?" 

It seems that sentence has become Jay's new catchphrase. 

"I mean, you guys did it right?" Sunghoon shrugs, "Maybe that's why."

Heeseung watches in a mix of astonishment and fear as Jay turns beet red at the statement, his arms drop to his side as he takes quick steps to Sunghoon. Before that can happen, Heeseung holds him by the elbow and begins pulling him in the direction of his room.

"We haven't had sex!" Jay yells as he's dragged away, then quietly he tacks, "Yet."

Heeseung feels his cheeks warm at the implication. Before Heeseung manages to slam the door shut, Ni-ki's voice rings in their dormitory.

"Jay hyung said sex!"

Heeseung let's go of Jay before moving to sit down on his bed, suddenly exhausted.

Heeseung stares at the floor of his room, suddenly aware of how slippery it is with socks on. Huh. The Art of Noticing by Lee Heeseung, 2025.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Huh??" Heeseung is suddenly reminded of Jay's presence, who is busy fiddling with the hem of his red shirt in the middle of his room - still pouting.

Heeseung smiles, offering a hand that Jay gladly takes. Heeseung pulls him close enough so that he can bury his face in Jay's stomach. Lean muscles with a soft touch and his shirt smells like their lavender laundry detergent, the one that smells like home.

Home, right here.

"I'm not mad at you," Heeseung mumbles into Jay's stomach. 

Jay rubs the back of Heeseung's head, combing through his unruly hair.

"Are you mad at our manager?"

"Not really," Heeseung says after a moment, "Kinda. Maybe. I don't know."

Heeseung sighs and turns to face upwards so he can see Jay's face. He props his chin against Jay's stomach, staring and contemplating.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Jay smiles down at Heeseung.

"My words are much more expensive then that," Heeseung huffs out.

They stay like that for a few minutes; Jay hums a song under his breath as he combs his finger through Heeseung's hair, admiring the washed up shades of the red dye fading away.

Heeseung just watches him, the stars in his eyes, the rise and fall of his chest that Heeseung can feel under his chin. It's always easier to look at Jongseong when he's not looking.

"Three years ago," Jay begins, "Do you remember your birthday live?"

Heeseung hums in confirmation.

"You were wearing that black hoodie and," Jay laughs, Heeseung's head bobbing with the motion. "God, I think I almost kissed you."

That's news, Heeseung thinks, super interested. Jay scrunches his nose up at the memory, as if it was embarrassing.

"You held my hands and looked up at me... I remember thinking fuck this, I want to kiss you in front of everyone."

Heeseung laughs, "Why didn't you?"

"Because you looked away."

Jay's eyes meet Heeseung's, boring into his soul. Heeseung finds himself entranced. 

"There's this minute long video compilation of you looking away every time I looked at you," Jay smiles a sad smile, nostalgic. "I thought, ah this guy must not like me. Not like that, like this, like how I wanted you to."

"Hey, Jongseong," Heeseung pulls away, letting Jay's hands fall onto his shoulders instead.

Heeseung hear how his voice choked up. It's devastating to look at, but Jay just shakes his head, squeezing Heeseung's shoulder.

"Let me finish," Jay gives another squeeze. "I liked you so much for so long to the point I came to terms that you would never even look at me. Sunghoon tried to convince me but I just couldn't let myself hope. It would break me if I had hoped and- and it just didn't seem like an option. You ever liking me, I mean."

"Jungwon probably tried to help me out because he knew and- did you know he said it was so obvious to him? I didn't even realize that he could see right through me!" Jay laughs a bit at the remembrance.

"Anyways, he wants to help and here we are and I'm so so so happy I was afraid I was going to die when you kissed me. I asked Ni-ki to punch me to make sure."

"Did he?"

"No, he didn't," Jay laughs again, louder, "I never thought I could have you, hyung. And now that I do, I don't know anymore. I'm so scared to lose you. Again."

A pause, the words on tip of Jongseong's tongue.

"What if this is only temporary-"

"It's not-"

"How can you be so sure, hyung? I'm the first person you fake dated since high school, it feels like I manipulated you into liking me."

Jay drops one hand to tuck a strand of hair behind his ears - afraid.

"Is this what it's about?" Heeseung takes both of Jongseong's hands in his, standing up so he can stare into Jongseong's eyes.

"Heeseung hyung," Jay says his name so quietly, "If you ever change your mind, I think I might actually die."

"I won't," Heeseung insists.

"How do you know that?"

"What do you think I've been doing for last nine years?" Heeseung parrots back the sentence Jay had thrown at him earlier today.

Jay gives him an unimpressed look, "No, I liked you longer than you have."

Heeseung relents.

"Okay maybe five years, I'm not sure yet. It could be just as long but I maybe was stupid enough not to notice."

"Listen, when you walked away that night five years ago, I buried my feelings in hopes they would die. I didn't know I could have you and this-" Heeseung gestures to the room with one hand, "I didn't know this- us, would be possible either. I'm so scared, Jongseong. I thought our manager found out when he called us in for that damn meeting. I'm still so scared, but I like you more than I am scared."

Heeseung cups Jay's face, leaning in. 

"I'm done being a coward."

Heeseung wonders if all their kisses will feel like explosion.

He blinks the fireworks away before stepping back.

"So did you take a walk by the river?"

"Not the time, hyung," Jay pulls Heeseung down again. 

Now usually, Heeseung get mad at being interrupted, but like this? More than welcomed. When Jay pulls away, Heeseung pulls him back in again. One, then another, then another.

By the fifth time Heeseung pulls Jay in again, this time for a heated kiss, biting down on Jay's bottom lip, hard. Jay gasps a bit in surprise and Heeseung takes that chance to shove his tongue in, licking at every corner inside.

Things get heated real quick.

Heeseung's hands run up and down Jay's sides as he busies himself with sucking bruises at the side of Jay's throat, his teeth nipping at the flesh before soothing it by running his tongue over it. Jay shivers at the sensation. 

It's too much, too much but not enough at the same time.

Jay wraps his arms around Heeseung's neck, pulling the other closer to him. All too suddenly, Heeseung decides to pull away. Jay whines into the kiss and one of his hands moves to grab Heeseung by the front of his shirt but the other man just moves further away.

"Are we going too fast?" Heeseung asks, pupils blown wide with desire, "Should we stop-"

"I'll burn this building on fire if you stop now," Jay warns, trying to pull Heeseung in for another kiss.

Vaguely, in the bed of his head, he is reminded of Ni-ki warning for them to not go at it. But when Jay tilts his head to deepen their kiss, Heeseung forgets all about it.

“Bed,” Heeseung says when they pull away, sounding breathless. He turns them around before pushing Jay on the bed, not so gently. Jay feels himself growing hard at the display of dominance. God, Jay's so easy.

When his back hits the soft bed sheets, Heeseung starts stripping off his clothes hurriedly before moving onto Jay’s shirt and pulling him out of them swiftly. Jay watches the way Heeseung's mucles flex when he raises his arms, a new blush spreading up to Jay's chest.

“W-wait…”

The man’s eyes darken and suddenly Jay was on his knees, his lips connecting with Heeseung's in a searing kiss. The taller groans, pushing Jay back and gripping onto his thighs, hard enough to leave bruises.

Oh my God, Jay thinks deliriously, please let them bruise.

Heeseung's lips presses against Jay’s neck and Jay felt so sensitive- the feeling of Heeseung's breath against his neck and the feeling of his fingernails pressing into his thighs. A hand presses against his erection and he bucks up, a whimper falling off his lips.

“Don’t worry, you're doing good baby.” Heeseung coos, reaching towards the nightstand.

Baby, baby, baby babybabybaybaby good goodgoodgood is all Jay hears.

“You’ll feel good, Jongseong, I know it. Stuffed full...”

Heat curls low in his stomach at the promise. It intensifies as he follows the other man’s movements, Heeseung grabbing a bottle of lube before falling onto his knees between Jay’s legs. Jay bites his lips as he looks at Heeseung, the flush traveling across his chest up to his cheeks and ears.

He feels so exposed like this.

Fingers caress his chest, pulling soft little breaths from his mouth. Heeseung puts a hand on the bare skin of Jay’s thigh and the flustered man makes a noise somewhere between a moan and a squeal. Heeseung laughed, but it was a breathless sound and it make the coil in his stomach hotter.

Jay bites his lip, absorbed in the feeling of Heeseung towering over him, ecstasy; Jay knows he is done even before they started.

Suddenly Heeseung stops, just stares down Jay with half lidded eyes.

"Fuck, you're so hot."

His toes curl at the compliment, so weak to it.

“Hyung,” Jay whines, trembling hands moving to hold both of Heeseung's shoulders.

“My baby,” Heeseung practically purrs, uncapping the lube and letting the liquid drip on his fingers. 

A slick finger probes at Jay’s entrance and he jolts a bit, the finger circling around the entrance before slowly easing in.

“Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

Jay nods, not trusting his own voice.

It doesn’t hurt, but it feels a bit weird. He didn’t have much time to dwell on his thoughts as Heeseung - in the dirtiest definition possible - gets down and mouth closes on Jay's cock. Jay gasps, his hips thrusting up into the sudden warmth. One of his hands find their way to Heeseung's hair, grabbing a fistful and tugging it a bit, but not enough to hurt. Heeseung hums, letting his tongue trace the underside of the head as the finger inside Jay moves slowly in and out.

He makes sure that Jay is relaxed enough before adding a second finger and soon he’s pumping three fingers inside of Jay. Sometimes letting his middle finger catch at the rim, a gentle pressure, just to hear Jay whimper. He adds another finger in before deciding to change his pace.

“H-hyung!” Jay sobs, as Heeseung continues his assault, taking the head of Jay’s cock inside his mouth and sucking on it eagerly before taking the rest of Jay into his mouth, trailing his tongue up a vein.

When Jay's thighs begin to shake, Heeseung pulls off with a comical 'pop', grinning down at a panting Jay. "Not too soon, sweetheart."

Jay fists fists the fabric of the bed sheets by his head, trying to catch his breath but Heeseung is consuming everything in him and leaving him constantly panting.

Heeseung slots his lips against Jay, swallowing up the noises he’s making, his tongue exploring the inside of Jay’s mouth. He lets Jay bite on his lower lip, the other eagerly trying to imitate his move from earlier. Heeseung pulls away, lips red and bruised. 

"So fucking cute," Heeseung breathes out, "Such a good boy."

Jay closes his eyes, embarrassed because he knows the expressions and sounds he's making is probably of a whore's. Then Heeseung presses his fingertip inside and Jay's mouth falls open in a loud moan. 

So what if he's a whore for his Heeseung hyung?

“You don’t have to be quiet,” Heeseung says gently, his lips brushing against Jay’s, “I want to hear you baby.” 

“Oh my God,” Jay whimpers at the nickname, his hole fluttering against Heeseung's finger, "Mm am I good?” 

"The best, hyung's good boy," Heeseung praises.

"Nnh, Heeseung hyung," Jongseong gasps, right as the finger curves against his prostrate. "Ah, hyung!"

"You like that don't you?" Heeseung chuckles, "Jongseong likes being my good boy, hm?"

"'m your good boy," Jay repeats. His hips has a mind of his own as he starts to fuck himself on Heeseung's fingers. "More. I need more."

"Mm yeah, you like this, don't you?" Heeseung smirks down at Jay.

"More," Jay repeats, "Please."

"You're taking it so well, Jongseong," Heeseung says, scissoring his fingers and stretching out the hole before pumping them back in ruthlessly. Jay wants to cry, at how wide he's being stretched.

"Inside me please," Jongseong locks his ankles behind Heeseung, his eyes wide as he tightens his hold so Heeseung couldn't pull away. "I want you inside me, now." 

Heeseung tsks at him, faking displeasure, "Is that how a good boy asks?"

Jay's eyes flutter at that, his hole squeezing down on Heeseung's finger momentarily.

"Please," Jay whines and that's all it takes for Heeseung's sanity to break.

He lines himself up and thrusts in, in one swift motion. Taking pleasure in the way Jay's knuckles turn white. His eyes rolling back with his mouth open in a moan.

Heeseung begins to piston into him, his thrusts rocking the bedframe and Jay's soft moans and sighs of pleasure accompanying his own labored breath. 

"You're so pretty," Heeseung manages to huff out, slipping his hand on Jay's chest to flick at his now harden nipples. His boyfriend gasps, eyes scrunching close in ecstasy.

"Ah! Yes, please." Jay's arms come to rest on Heeseung's shoulders,no longer finding stability in twisting the bed sheets.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," Jay whines out. "Want more.

"Greedy," Heeseung laughs, hypnotized by the way Jay's back arch when he pinches his nipple. "You always want more, yeah? Pretty little thing but so fucking insatiable."

Heeseung begins to thrust harder, faster, setting up a rough pace, "You like it when I fuck you like this?"

"Heeseung!" Jay gasps when stars begin enter his vision, the coil in his stomach loosening as he digs his nails into Heeseung's shoulder. His thighs shake when he comes with no warning, his lips turning into jelly immediately.

"Fuck," Heeseung runs his fingers through Jay's cum on his stomach, smearing them up to his chest. "Fuck Jongseong, you're making me insane."

Heeseung picks up his pace, using Jay's breathy whines as more fuel to go faster, chasing after his own release. Then his hips begin to stutter and lose their pace.

Heeseung can feel his release just by the edge, pistoning a few more times until he comes with a moan and shoots hot cum into his boyfriend's hole.

"Jongseong, Jongseong." Heeseung repeats, now thrusting his hips shallowly to ride out the rest of his orgasm. Jongseong's body twitches from overstimulation, his breaths coming out in whiny gasps but he just watches, as if mesmerized by Heeseung.

"Heeseung hyung," Jay whispers as Heeseung collapses on his forearms.

Their chests are heaving from the exertion and their noses touch each other, Jay's half lidded eyes blink slow. A moment passes by as they just stare at each other, catching their breaths.

Heeseung is busy admiring the way Jay's hair has managed to artfully plaster themselves on his forehead, his eyes glistening under the lights and his mouth bitten red. Jongseong is gorgeous.

Jay tilts his head to the side and smiles softly at Heeseung, "Kiss me hyung?"

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Heeseung wakes up around 5 to hushed voices around him. He cracks one eye open and nearly falls off the bed when he sees Ni-ki hovering over - one glance down confirms Jay is still with him, very much asleep and comfortably cuddled in his side - them.

Heeseung puts a protective arm around Jay as he props himself up on one elbow.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Heeseung croaks out.

Someone holds out a water bottle from behind him and Heeseung whips his head around to see Sunghoon.

"Good morning?"

Heeseung sits up properly to snatch the bottle from Sunghoon. He makes sure to tuck the blanket higher, obscuring their view of Jay's bare shoulders. Heeseung takes one sip of the water before opening his mouth to speak again.

"Get the fuck out my room."

Sunghoon sits down at the end of the bed, getting comfortable.

"You know it's so weird that you didn't lock the door, what if we walked in while you were getting busy?"

Heeseung gives him an impressive squidward impression, "Ever heard of asking for permission?"

"Which you guys do not have as we're speaking right now," Heeseung reminds them, then turns to Ni-ki, "Were you taking a picture just now?"

"No," Ni-ki looks offended, "I only took one picture, for evidence!"

Sunghoon and Heeseung both shush him loudly.

"You can't even see anything," Ni-ki shows him the photo, taken from the doorway.

Like a fucking creep, but Heeseung can appreciate a nice picture - the only visible parts of their body are their faces and even then just the back of Jay's head is shown, while Heeseung has his face against Jay's hair. Heeseung will excuse the intrusion this one time.

Ni-ki pockets his phone in his hoodie then whispers, "I won the bet."

"You don't even know who confessed first," Heeseung says puzzled.

Sunghoon takes that as his cue to leave, tip toeing out the room behind Ni-ki. Ni-ki shrugs.

"Oh we didn't place a bet on that."

Heeseung feels a headache oncoming, "What was it?"

Ni-ki walks backwards until he reaches the doorway, before he closes the door he says loudly, "I always knew Jay hyung was a bottom!"

In his head, Heeseung has slapped Ni-ki upside his head, loud and bone cracking. In reality, Jay stirs beside him and Heeseung puts a reassuring hand on his head, patting his hair. 

Jay nuzzles against Heeseung's hand. Heeseung can't help but smile.

He'll just poison Ni-ki's drink in the morning.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

The truth is that love - no matter how accidental the fall was - is intentional, it is a choice. To wake up and choose to love this person, over and over again. Every day. It is realizing that time does not dissipate your feelings, only strengthen it to something so stable you mistake it as routine, as boring. Even if a garden of roses manage to make themselves uprooted in your garden, you can always cut it down, chop it off, change the soils - make sure they never grow. Love comes by without a warning, but doesn't stay without permission.

Love is Jongseong silently gazing from afar for nine years and it is also Heeseung confronting his emotions head on. Love is everywhere. Even when it's not crimson roses, it can still be love.

Enhypen's Jay and Enhypen's Heeseung will forever be a part of just Jongseong and just Heeseung. This doesn't change anything. The love between Jongseong and Heeseung? Intentional and real.

It is very real.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

rina ★ @blushfaery 

LEE WHIPPED HEESEUNG

[Video clip of Heeseung calling Jay Enhypen's pretty boy on repeat]

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

Nora🌷@tecaniew 

Heeseung talking about Helium: my beautiful husband produced this beautiful song my beautiful husband worked really hard on it have i mentioned that my husband is beautiful?

0 reply | 714 retweets | 1.1k likes

👩‍💻@chuunnelli 

Jay's Ass recoils when you hit it and i don't know what to do with this information 

8 reply | 2 retweets | 18 likes

eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling 

nobody is more married than heejay AS A MATTER OF FACT their marriage is the only valid marriage in the world everyone else's marriage is a SHAM a FAKE

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

→ Heidi. @crownedrage Reply eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling let the pope speak!

Heeseung is startled out his reverie when a hand grabs his phone from behind him.

"Hey, I was reading that," Heeseung turns around to face Jay, "Gimme."

Jay had woken up earlier and Heeseung had passed him the water bottle courtesy of Sunghoon. He had slip on his boxers and ransacked Heeseung's closet for a shirt to wear before joining Heeseung on the bed again. It's the black hoodie Heeseung wore on his birthday live three years ago.

Heeseung felt his heart soar, look how far we've come. And when Jay had turned to look at him shyly, Heeseung had hid his wide smile with a kiss. Jay felt it anyway.

"You're reading about me, while I'm right here!"

"I need to know what the people of twitter are saying," Heeseung explains lamely.

Jay raises a judgemental eyebrow at him, "Stop picking up on Sunghoon's vocab."

Heeseung laughs, looking at Jay. Fuck, it's only been a few days and Heeseung feels as if he's in heaven. Jay is in his bed, wearing his hoodie, bruises evident of their passionate night on his waist, and the scar on his bottom lip re-opened from the insane amount of lip biting. Heeseung didn't even know he was that kind of person!

"You're just too pretty," Heeseung sighs, "I can't believe you're mine."

"Stop that," Jay scowls but lifts up a hand to slip a tuff of hair behind his ears and returns his stare.

Heeseung sees in slow motion how the scowl on his lips give away to a smile, his natural pink cheeks bunching up as his smile widens and the corner of his eyes crinkle.

There's a surge of affection tugging at his heart, at the way Jay is staring at him with so much love in his eyes, stars twinkling even more with the morning light streaming through the curtains. 

The shade of brown in his eyes combined with his honey skin makes a lethal combo. Jongseong's stare is unrelenting - Heeseung is the first one to look away, covering his ears with his hands so Jay couldn't see the way they turn red.

"How do you do that?" Heeseung groans.

"Do what?"

Jay wiggles closer to Heeseung until their sides are touching, Heeseung doesn't turn to look but wraps an arm around Jongseong's shoulder to pull them flush together.

"The staring, fuck, I think I understand how Engenes feel now."

Jay just laughs, leaning on Heeseung's shoulder.

"I had nine years to get used to it, of course I'm good at maintaining eye contact. If I suddenly stopped, everyone would find out my secret."

Heeseung thinks about all the time he had looked away when Jay turns to him, the number of time he had to act casual when he turns and Jay's eyes are already on him. The moments of double-takes and not being able to hold a stare longer than five seconds...

“I’m saying the fans might be onto something." Jungwon's voice replays in his head.

Heeseung turns his head to plant a kiss on Jay's hair.

"Well, I have an eternity to learn, starting from now."

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

"Some feelings you bury, and a red rose grows."

Chapter Text

14th July. One.

“What are you doing?”

Heeseung directs his question to Sunghoon, Jungwon and Jay sprawled on their stomach on the floor of Jay’s room.

“Heeseung hyung,” Jay beams instantly at the presence of his boyfriend, pushing himself onto his knees so he can reach out to Heeseung using both of his hands.

Heeseung returns the smile instinctively - it's the effect Jay has on him - and wraps his hands around Jay’s wrists, pulling him up easily and relishing in Jay’s soft laughter. As soon as Jay’s on his feet, he links his arm with Heeseung’s, pressing into his side. Sunghoon looks up at that and Jungwon greets Heeseung with an excited “Hey hyung!”

“I’m showing them my childhood pictures,” Jay explains, tugging Heeseung closer so he can look down at the photos too.

“Well more like they forced me to show them,” Jay adds drily, warily eyeing the other two.

There’s at least five photo albums to the side and three opened, one in Sunghoon’s hands and another in Jungwon’s. The other one sits in between them, page turned to a photo of a two year old Jay eating his fist.

Heeseung laughs, a bit too giddy when he gets a glimpse of the one Sunghoon is also looking at, a three year old Jongseong crying in the snow. He’s wearing a black beanie that hides his eyebrows and his face is red from both the cold and crying. Wordlessly Jungwon passes Heeseung the photo album that sat still between him and Sunghoon, to which Heeseung greedily takes it from his hands.

“Please don’t,” Jay begs, tightening his grip on Heeseung's arm.

This is the one time Heeseung decides to not listen to his boyfriend. 

“Oh Jongseongie,” Heeseung coos right after turning the first page, his heart squeezing in his chest at the sight of five year old Jay pouting as he holds a toy guitar in his hands, brows furrowed as if in concentration.

Jay detaches himself from Heeseung’s side with an embarrassed groan to flop face first on his bed, his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. His words are muffled by the blanket, coming out as oooffmmhm that Heeseung unfortunately cannot translate.

“What was that?” Jungwon asks without looking up.

“No one in this house has any respect for me!” Jay lifts his face up enough to repeat the sentence.

“And you’re right about that,” Sunghoon comments then points to a picture of baby Jay smeared in paint, “A little artist!”

“Wow,” Jay rolls over onto his side, propping himself up on one arm, “You’re nicer to baby pictures of me than you are to me.”

Heeseung shakes his head fondly, putting the photo album to the side as he sits beside Jay on the bed.

“Look at this hyung,” Jungwon shows Sunghoon a page and they share some giggles.

Jay pouts. Heeseung, who had been watching him from the side quietly, decides to step in.

“Tough crowd huh?” Heeseung ruffles his hair, smiling wide when Jay nuzzles into his touch.

“Hmph,” Jay lets out an indignant sigh but rolls closer to Heeseung, wiggling on the bed until he's face up right beside Heeseung. 

“Hi, Heeseung hyung,” Jay says when he looks up at Heeseung, suddenly a bit shy. “Long time no see.”

“But I just saw you last night,” Heeseung tilts his head at Jay, a playful lilt in his voice, “In my dream.”

Heeseung smiles, the one reserved just for Jay and the world feels a bit brighter. Heeseung’s smile is a bit lopsided, his eyes tired from their endless schedule but fondness bleeds out the curve of his lips and the shine in his eyes.

Jay can’t help but reach up to touch Heeseung’s face, a new habit of his. As if he still couldn't believe any of this could ever be real. Heeseung captures his hand with a laugh, holding it in place against his cheek. It's warm, it always is, the place where Jongseong touches him - a constant gold rush.

Jay bites his lip, tries to curt his shyness at bay - he’s made a promise to be braver and louder in loving Heeseung - but there's pink blossoming on his cheeks and his fingers twitch under Heeseung’s firm grip. Finally, Jay scrunches up his face and looks away first, turning on his side so he can bury his face against Heeseung’s thigh.

Holyshit you’re so cute, Heeseung thinks to himself, then, as he begins laughing loudly, I might be too in love with you.

The revelation isn't even ground-breaking, it feels just right. There are stars everywhere, in Jay’s eyes, in his soft shy smile, in the constellation of moles adoring Jay’s face - Heeseung is the luckiest man on earth to be able to touch a star this up close.

Heeseung opens his mouth, ready to spill whatever words are at the tip of his tongue.

“Didn't he sleep right next to you last night?” Sunghoon’s voice breaks through their haze.

Heeseung blinks the rose tint away from his eyes, feeling warmth climb up his neck at the reminder that there are two other people in the room with them. Which, Heeseung would like to reiterate, is not his fault because it's Jongseong, of course he’d get tunnel vision. Sunghoon is looking at them with a evil glint in his eyes while Jungwon ignored everything happening around him.

Jay sits up in one swift motion to throw a plushie at Sunghoon. He misses by a mile. The sad orange cat plushie flops as it hits the wall.

"You have terrible aim." Heeseung can't help but comment.

“We were having a moment,” Jay scowls at Sunghoon, the pink in his cheeks darkening.

“No throwing items,” Jungwon pipes up, chiding them gently.

“You two are always having a moment,” Sunghoon starts but before Jay could take the bait, Jungwon interrupts them again.

“Hyung, where was this?” Jungwon points at a photo.

“Oh that's Papa Johns!”

And just like that, Jay immediately joins them on the floor, launching stories about his favourite places in his hometown.

Heeseung sighs at the loss of attention on him and rolls his eyes when he catches Sunghoon grinning at him with a shit eating smile.

He picks up the photo album by his side.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

24th July. Two.

Heeseung sits on the couch of their living room, scrolling through his twitter as the opening of WALL-E is paused on TV. Someone sits beside him, someone that is not his Jongseong, because Jay would always, always sit super close to him to the point at least one of their body parts have to be touching at all times.

“Not even a hello?” Sunghoon, Heeseung’s mind supplies helpfully, “Just because I’m not your boyfriend?”

Heeseung snorts but puts his phone down on his lap, turning his attention to Sunghoon. He's all dressed up with jeans and a blue button up denim. Heeseung raises a questioning brow but doesn't ask.

“Hi Sunghoon,” Heeseung says in his most cheery voice. "How's the weather today?"

"A bit hot."

"How interesting."

“You should put on a horror movie,” Sunghoon suggests suddenly, crossing his arms over his chest, “Jay will be so scared.”

“And I want to purposely scare him because?” 

“Because he's cute when he's scared. He’ll cling to you for the rest of the day and he wouldn't want to sleep alone for a few days.”

That does sound like a good idea, Heeseung files that away for future references. “I won’t do such a thing.”

“Well you can just put on i-land,” Sunghoon laughs at his own joke, “That's pretty terrifying.”

Thinking about i-land while sober is not Heeseung’s favourite pastime. The amount of fear and competitiveness that had been instilled in all of them was hard to erase, even after debut, even after all these years. Heeseung doesn't tell anybody but sometimes he still dreams about being eliminated and wakes up scared that everything will be taken away from him.

“I’ll be the one scared to sleep alone,” Heeseung tells him honestly.

Sunghoon hums and they both turn quiet for a moment. Not heavy but comfortable. Remembering things they wish they could undo and un-say.

“I think about it sometimes,” Sunghoon tells him, voice tinged with melancholy. “The way you had taken Jay into your arms twice after the debut announcement. As if you couldn't bear the thought of him leaving your arms.”

Heeseung thinks about that moment, once again, too. The way he had opened his arms as soon as Jay took steady steps towards where he, Jake and Ni-ki were waiting. It seems that Heeseung had always wanted him first. Unconsciously or not, unintentionally or not.

The gentle way Jay had tilted his head down, the way his arm wrapped around Heeseung’s shoulder and reached his back, how scrawny Heeseung had been back then - Heeseung actually remembers all of it. Down to the smallest details: the red of their crying eyes, the feeling of burden lifted off their shoulders at the chance of finally getting to debut. The horror of it all.

“Yeah,” Heeseung breathes out, “How did I go so long without noticing it?”

Sunghoon gives him a small smile, “Some things just take more time to be understood.”

More time is an understatement, five years have passed in a blink of an eye. Heeseung regrets it, not knowing earlier, not having the courage to confront his heart head on - there could have been so much more of Heeseung and Jongseong together.

“You found him at the right moment,” Sunghoon tells Heeseung, as if able to read his mind, “The exact right moment. Not too late, not too early.”

Heeseung mirrors his smile. “When did you get so wise?”

Sunghoon who had been so anxious early on, who was so scared to the point he didn't know how to share his concerns with anyone, his words always unable to accurately describe how he felt, now, has turned into someone so reliable, someone who knows that most intentions are based on good faith, and someone who is learning to speak his mind with his members- family.

Yes, family.

“I’ve always been this cool,” Sunghoon says loudly, then louder “Unlike a certain someone!”

“Are you talking shit about me? I can hear you!” Jay’s voice booms in the hall.

Heeseung smiles at the image of an angry Jay in his room, getting ready faster so he can give Sunghoon a piece of his mind. Pouting and huffing as he slips on his favourite sweater. It's ridiculous how happy Jongseong makes him.

“I better get going before your gremlin escapes,” Sunghoon gets up and stretches his arms above his head.

“Where are you going?”

“Dinner with Jungwon.”

“Can you get me some snacks on the way back?”

“We’ll see,” Sunghoon puts a hand on his chin, pretends to think about it even though they both know Sunghoon can never say no to their oldest. Heeseung rolls his eyes, turning back to face in front.

“Take care, hyung.” Sunghoon puts a steady hand on Heeseung’s shoulder.

They both know what he means by that.

“You know I will,” Heeseung promises.

“Not just him,” Sunghoon pats him twice on the shoulder, “Yourself too.”

Sunghoon immediately turns, walking out the door with a loud slam. Heeseung laughs to himself a bit, it's always been easy to tell when Sunghoon is embarrassed and he always is, after bearing his heart to someone.

You found him at the right moment. The words echo in the sudden quiet space.

Heeseung supposes it is true, if it were any earlier- fresh out of i-land and straight into a relationship - it’d be a nightmare and any later, well, Heeseung doesn't even want to think about it. Each star twinkling in the sky is purposeful, at the right place at the right time to form the right constellation.

Jay's star shines the brightest.

“Hyung? Where's Hoon?”

Heeseung turns his head to see Jay standing somewhere between the hallway and the doorway of the kitchen, just far enough for Heeseung to not see him in his peripheral vision. Jay approaches wearing his favourite worn-out navy blue sweater, the one long enough to reach his mid-thigh and engulf his figure, paired with Heeseung’s favourite basketball shorts.

Heeseung gives him a once over just to see Jay blush prettily, the chips in Jay’s hands crinkling when he reflexively tightens his hold in embarrassment.

“Oh my God Hyung, don't do that.” Jay whines, dumping the chips on the low table set in front of the TV so he could plop down beside Heeseung and bury himself into Heeseung’s side, both arms wrapping around Heeseung’s much defined one.

"Do what?"

"You know," Jay demands, "Look at me like that."

Heeseung's whole body shakes when he laughs.

“I’m going to bite you,” Jay threatens jokingly, making a motion of chomping down on Heeseung’s biceps.

"For admiring my own boyfriend?"

"Hyung," Jay drags out the last syllable.

Instead of saying anything, Heeseung leans over to plant a firm kiss on Jay’s lips.

Heeseung pulls away to watch Jay’s pupil dilate, his pink lips parted in surprise and the blush on his face intensifies, climbing to his ears and going down his chest. All versions of Jay line up to form their own constellation, from fourteen to seventeen to twenty-three. Each star, age, moment, just as important as the last.

I love you, Heeseung thinks, as he pulls Jay in for a much more heated kiss the second time around.

"Fuck, Heeseung hyung," Jay's whines when they part and not even one second later he dives in for another kiss, his grip tightening and nails biting into the skin on Heeseung's forearm.

Jay's whiny voice stirs something hot in Heeseung's stomach, dangerous and simmering. It envelops his whole body in warmth nothing else can ever replicate.

“Come on,” Heeseung whispers against Jay’s lips the next time they separate for air, already pulling Jay onto his lap, “Come on baby, bite me.”

Jay forgets all about cussing out Sunghoon until much much later.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

27th July. Three.

It's 2 A.M. in the morning. Sunoo, Ni-ki and Jungwon had decided on one big sleepover at their upstairs dormitory.

They've turned the living room into every 10 year old kid's dream - comforters as mattress, soft blankets strewn everywhere and at least 15 pillows which Heeseung don't know where they spawned from. It's nice in a way, since most of them never got to experience the average sleepover most do during their high school years.

Jay and Jake are given the duty of preparing the food and snacks as the others decided on what movie to watch. As always, it's a debate.

"Should we binge watch our EN-O'CLOCK?" Jungwon suggests but is immediately shot down.

"I've watched all of it," Ni-ki protested, "Let's just go with Madagascar 3."

"Shrek is good too," Heeseung joins in the conversation although he's sure he'll fall asleep halfway through the movie. Their SBS Gayo Daejeon Summer performance took all the energy out of him.

"Okay," Sunoo decides, "Love Island it is."

Everyone collectively groans before realising Sunoo was fucking with them when the intro to Dreamworks play on screen.

Heeseung leans back on the couch, calling dibs on it before anyone else can. Jake and Jay come out the kitchen, one holding a huge tray filled with food - grapes, cherries, chips, french fries - and the other with canned drinks.

They pass the food and drinks around, Jay taking a bag of chips and two lychee flavoured soda for him and Heeseung.

"Here," Jay offers the soda to Heeseung, claiming the spot next to him.

“Oh thank you ba- Jongseong, Jongseong.” Heeseung cringes, but doesn't stop, “Yes, thank you Jongseong.”

“You can call him baby,” Jungwon answers in a bored tone from the floor, “I call him baby all the time.”

Heeseung turns surprised eyes at Jay who just shrugs and laughs at the indignant expression on his boyfriend's face. The soundtrack for the start of Shrek movie makes everything much more funny, comical even.

“I don’t appreciate you calling my boyfriend baby,” Heeseung says seriously.

“You can't stop him, there's an unspoken rule,” Sunghoon interjects, “Jay is community omega.”

Everyone watches in real time as Jongseong stops laughing, his lips curving downwards into a pout. He looks like he's one minute away from stomping his feet.

“I am not a omega! Shut the fuck up." Jay insists, cuddling into Heeseung's side aggressively as he makes eye contact with Sunghoon.

"Your stature fits the omega stereotype more," Sunghoon argues.

Jungwon shushes them to no avail. Heeseung doesn't understand a single thing they're talking about.

"Lying about your height is also very omega-coded," Ni-ki explains more.

"I am very much a hundred and eighty centimeters tall." Jay turns his face into Heeseung's shoulder, flipping Sunghoon and Ni-ki his middle finger.

"Stop that," Heeseung gives them a look that says stop bothering my boyfriend although admittedly, a sulky Jay is a cute one.

Boyfriend, his mind repeats, a touch hysterical. My boyfriend.

Once upon a time in a far, far away kingdom

Prince Charming's voice plays throughout the room and everyone shifts their focus to the movie. Jay finally turns his head to the front, his lips is set in a pout that makes Heeseung snicker quietly.

If anyone had told Heeseung he'd let someone cling to him almost all the time a few months ago, he'd laugh, but now, Heeseung thinks he has the perfect amount of alone time and Jongseong-clinging-to-me time.

Heeseung can feel someone looking at him and a turn of the head catches Jay in the act.

"Everything okay?"

Jay sighs, leaning against Heeseung's shoulder.

"I wish I could gatekeep you," he admits honestly. "You can pull off every hair color it's a bit unfair."

Heeseung bites his lips in the shy way he always does, leaning his head on Jay's. 

"Coming from the prettiest boy, wow," Heeseung imitates a surprised tone, "What a compliment."

"Please shave your head for me hyung," Jay tightens his hold on Heeseung's arm. He thinks for a moment.

"Actually don't." 

Heeseung hums, half distracted by the movie.

"What if you're even more handsome bald?"

Heeseung laughs out loud, doubling over that he dislodges Jay's hold on him and gets a couch pillow thrown at him thanks to Jake. It's worth it though, for the grin that breaks across Jay's face.

"You're ridiculous," Heeseung tells Jay, this time quieter.

"You like it." There's a glint in Jay's eyes that tell Heeseung he already knows the answer. 

"I do."

Sunghoon throws a piece of popcorn at them and Heeseung watches with way too much fondness as Jay sticks his tongue out at his other best friend.

True to his words, Heeseung falls asleep halfway through the movie and when he wakes up, it's pitch black dark but not completely quiet. He can make out the voice of Sunoo and Ni-ki whispering to each other.

"Hey hyung."

Heeseung's eyes need a few seconds to adjust to the darkness. Then, he sees Jay hovering over him, a blanket in his arms.

"Go back to sleep," Jay tells him, unfolding the blanket to drape it over Heeseung's figure.

"Nooooo, come back." Heeseung whines as Jay adjusts the blanket on his legs.

Everything is still blurry with only a small stream of light from the window illuminating the room, but Heeseung swears he can see the smile on Jay's face.

The smile that says, you're ridiculous and I adore you. Heeseung is very familiar with that smile, and is very proud to be on the receiving end of the smile a lot of times.

"I'm not going anywhere," Jay tells Heeseung quietly, afraid of waking the others up.

Sunoo and Ni-ki start to quiet down in the background.

"C'mere," Heeseung insists, words slurring with sleep. He pulls at Jay's sleeve and wiggles onto his side to make space for Jay.

"It'll be cramped," Jay reminds him, kneeling beside the couch so they'd be at the same height. "I don't think it'll be very comfortable."

"Don't care." Heeseung is petulant.

Jay with the orange glow of the street light is just as beautiful as Jay with the orange glow of a sunset.

Heeseung is absolutely besotted with this human he calls his best friend and boyfriend, holyshit boyfriend, so combined with the tiredness in his bones, it's not completely Heeseung's fault when he pulls Jay in with more strength than intended, tilting his head to fit his lips over Jay's plump ones.

The kiss isn't proper, more of a mash of lips than it is a kiss. It also tastes like chips and lychee. Jay laughs against his lips, pushing Heeseung away gently until he's lying down again.

"Didya not likeit," Heeseung pouts.

Jay smiles at him, the beautiful open mouthed one that is a mix between a grin and a laugh.

"I love it," Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear then leans over to kiss Heeseung on his cheek, "So much."

And I love you, Heeseung wants to say, so much, as sleep is pulling at his eyelids.

He hears Jay laughing and the couch dips. There's something warm embracing him, and Heeseung falls right back to sleep.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

2nd August. Four.

"I told you, you'd get sick," Jongseong nags as he tucks Heeseung into bed, again.

"Can the patient stop trying to escape?" Sunghoon huffs from the other bed, "You're making it really hard for the nurse."

There's something even worst than Sunghoon and Jay fighting - it's when they team up. And right now they're teaming up to bully me, Heeseung thinks with a huff.

"I'm not that sick," Heeseung tells them even as his voice cracks on the last word. "I'm fine, see?"

Heeseung makes a show of getting up, again. And Jay stops him with a hand to his shoulder, lips set in a pout and cheeks puffed out like he's holding back from being really angry.

It's hilarious how adorable this man can be.

Heeseung leans back against the headboard with a sigh, finally giving up.

“It's because you guys keep having sex," Sunghoon tells them casually, scrolling through his phone.

Jay directs his angry gaze to Sunghoon, narrowing his eyes.

"Oh my god, Hoon," Jay says Sunghoon's name distastefully, "Heeseung hyung is sick and all you can think about is our dicks."

Both Sunghoon and Heeseung share a look of disgust that Jay does not see as he enters mother hen mode, pulling at the duvet just so his hands have something to do.

"You are not leaving this hotel room until you're better."

"The streets of Osaka are calling to me," Heeseung dramatically reaches out towards the balcony window, looking onwards to the city.

"Hyung." Jongseong uses the tone that means he's serious and Heeseung gives in, again, seriously this time. He can never win against Jongseong. Except in bed. Heeseung tries not to let his mind wander over to that territory. 

"Alright, I'll stay in bed but just for today," Heeseung widens his eyes at Jay, trying to prove his innocence.

Jay bites down his lip and Heeseung sighs, beckoning him closer to hold one of his hands in a firm grip.

"No humping when I'm around," Sunghoon warns, making both Heeseung and Jay roll their eyes.

"You trust me, right?" Heeseung rubs his thumb on the back of Jay's hand.

"Of course I do," is the quick answer.

Heeseung smiles, tugging Jay down so they can share a kiss. He stops halfway, remembering his cold.

"On second thought-," Heeseung begins but Jay closes the distance between them anyway. They both pretend not to hear Sunghoon gagging when they pull away.

"You better not catch his cold," Sunghoon tells Jay with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't worry, there was no tongue action," Jay says exaggeratedly, getting a front view seat of Sunghoon's face scrunch up in disgust. It shouldn't feel this satisfying, getting a strong reaction from Sunghoon, but somehow it is.

When Jay turns to Heeseung, the older one is looking at Jay as if Jay's the best thing in the world. That's a full truth for Heeseung. 

"What?" Jay asks, suddenly embarrassed.

Heeseung just shakes his head, changing to their previous topic, "I need you to understand that I know what I'm doing."

Heeseung waits to see if Jay would refute his comment and when he doesn't, Heeseung continues.

"I see everyone do their best and I'm not going to miss out on it. I want people to see how hard I've worked too."

Jay turns quiet, squeezing their joined hands.

"I know my limit and I need you to trust me on that, okay?"

"Okay," Jay sighs, "I'm sorry I'm just worried."

"I know you are," Heeseung tells him gently, "That's why I'm resting right now."

"Nurse," Sunghoon calls from his bed, "Can you please leave the room so the patient can rest?"

Jay sticks his tongue out at Sunghoon but leans down to smack a loud kiss, necessary to annoy Sunghoon, on Heeseung's forehead before leaving the room with a giggle.

Heeseung laughs loudly at Sunghoon's groan- as if he isn't used to their display of affection by now.

"Don't you think my nurse is hot?" Heeseung asks in a teasing voice, fluffing his pillows.

"Sure." Sunghoon agrees easily even though his voice indicates nothing of the sort. "How hot of him to tuck you to bed and nag for fifteen minutes straight."

Sunghoon is very funny, Heeseung decides, grateful that he got to room with him this time around. It'd be nicer with Jay but they would bicker too much and that would probably worsen Heeseung's headache by virtue of his cold.

"Very hot. I love him."

Sunghoon says nothing. Heeseung finds it odd and looks up to see Sunghoon's eyes already on him.

"Uh what?"

"You said the L-word," Sunghoon widens his eyes comically, "Oh my God you said you love him."

Sunghoon says Oh my God the same way Jongseong does, full of surprise and disbelief. Heeseung's face grow hot, his ears ring and he feels a bit faint - unsure if its due to the cold or humiliation.

"Well, of course I do," Heeseung chokes up. Fuck, fuck, FUCK, Heeseung mentally kicks himself.

"Have you told him?" Sunghoon looks as if he's about to climb out of his bed and into Heeseung's, that nosy shit.

"Goodnight Sunghoon," Heeseung tells him in a hoarse voice, turning his back to Sunghoon as he panics by himself.

"Hyung!"

Heeseung closes his eyes shut. His body is warmer, and he feels a bit sick at the thought of Sunghoon hearing him say those words before Jay.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

"He's asleep?"

Heeseung stirs a bit at the sound of people talking. Someone shushes the other person loudly.

"You were bothering him about resting and now that he does you're going to wake him up?"

"Sorry." That's the most apologetic Jay has ever sounded.

Heeseung tries to open his eyes but his bed is warm, the duvet soft as cloud for his aching body.

There's whispering, so quiet Heeseung can't make out any of the words. He strains to hear more clearly, blocking out other noises to eavesdrop.

"Alright," Heeseung hears Jay say after some time.

"Stop worrying," comes Sunghoon's voice, "He'll be alright."

"He's just precious to me," Jay declares.

It gets quiet for a moment.

Heeseung feels himself growing slightly awake, his heart thumping loudly. Sunghoon is going to tell Jay, Heeseung is sure of it, so so sure that he's surprised when all Sunghoon says is,

"I know."

Heeseung hears the door close shut. Sunghoon turns the lock with a click.

He's precious to me, Jay had said. Heeseung knows that, has known all this while. But does Jay know?

Does Jay know that he means the world to Heeseung? That Heeseung has never felt more complete as he does when he's with Jongseong?

For Aristotle, love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. If so, Jongseong had always been half of Heeseung.

Jongseong, Jay, just Jongseong, or whatever version of his lover it is - Heeseung loves all of it.

"I know you're awake."

Heeseung holds in his breath, what the fuck?

"Heeseung hyung, I know you heard us."

Heeseung exhales and turns to face Sunghoon, pulling the duvet until it reaches under his chin.

"Ugh how," is all Heeseung says.

Sunghoon snorts in disbelief.

"You stopped moving completely. I could see your whole body freeze," Sunghoon shakes his head as he explains, "Be glad Jay didn't see you, or else he'll nag for another hour."

Heeseung sighs, turning to face the ceiling and closing his eyes to try fall asleep again. He should stop underestimating how much his members know about him.

"You should tell him," Sunghoon adds.

Heeseung pretends to snore.

"He tucked his hair back when he said it."

Heeseung snores louder.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

9th August. The first time Heeseung tells Jongseong I love you.

"I wanted to show you my hometown," Jongseong had told Heeseung in his hotel room before they boarded the plane, "Maybe next time."

But they both know what he really means is if, if there is a next time where they both get to go out together, just them two, without any prying eyes. Where it feels more of a date and less of a disguised hangout.

Heeseung thinks about it the whole journey. Even after they landed. Not about the fact that they can't go on a normal date but about how much they sacrificed to get to where they are; trading privacy for recognition.

Sometimes a blessing, sometimes, on quiet nights like this, very rarely, a curse. Heeseung is sure everyone in the same career path as them thinks the same way. Heeseung knows he's had it better than most, that he's speaking from a place where his dreams had been realized. Heeseung loves all of it - their fans, their work, it's great.

He just misses the days he got to walk out without worry of being surrounded. Days where he wasn't haunted by faceless blobs reaching their hands out to touch any part of his body they can get on.

"A million yen for your thoughts?"

Heeseung hadn't heard Jay coming out the shower- to worked up in his head to focus on his surrounding. He dismisses the thoughts away with a shake of his head. He hates worrying people, especially his members. It's stupid and trivial to begin with. They'd argue and say - there is no trivial matter, if it matters to you then it is not trivial. Not small. Always important. But Heeseung gets too wrapped in his thoughts that he forgets that.

"Still too cheap," Heeseung answers Jay.

Jay grins at him and Heeseung returns it easily, their hearts mirroring each other. This, this is easy.

"You know Sunghoon thinks you should be punished."

Heeseung hums, watching the towel wrapped low on Jay's waist, droplets of water running down his bare back. This, right here, right now, is one of Heeseung's blessings. The kind of blessing that settles as a constant. A Polaris. A North Star.

The negative thoughts in his head turn into ones in a different dangerous territory.

"And why is that?"

The curve of Jay's ass as he bends down to snatch his fallen t-shirt brings a burning hot sensation in his stomach, growing bigger as he watches Jay's back muscle flex when he pulls on the tee.

Jay laughs, "For making me cry so much before confessing to me."

Heeseung waits for ten seconds. Enough time for Jay to stop laughing.

"Jongseong."

Heeseung doesn't need to say much, he can say anything and Jay will come running to him. Always so eager to be good for his hyung. Jay turns around with wide eyes.

"Drop the towel."

Jay shivers but does as he's asked. There's still bite marks on his inner thigh from their last round and Heeseung is already far too eager to ruin him again.

His shirt barely covers his cock, already growing hard through the thin fabric.

Jay takes slow steps towards him, red in his cheeks despite his calm demeanour. His hands are shaking slightly and Heeseung feels his ego growing at how much power he has over Jongseong, how easy it is to turn him into a shivering mess.

"Hi baby," Heeseung puts both hands on Jay's waist, guiding Jay to straddle his thighs.

"What was that about me making you cry again?" Heeseung's smile turns a bit devious.

Jay slaps his chest playfully but his breath catches in his throat. Bingo.

"You'd like that wouldn't you? Pretty baby would let his hyung do anything to him?"

Heeseung palms Jay's ass, slapping it once, hard enough to leave it red. Jay lets out a sound between a moan and a whine.

"Touch me."

Heeseung tsks, giving his ass another loud smack. Jay arches into the touch, hands landing onto Heeseung's shoulders, already panting.

"Where are your manners baby?"

Jay whimpers, "Please, please hyung."

Heeseung bites down on Jay's shoulder - already he can hear Jungwon scolding him and wow what a thought to think about in the middle of getting busy - just to hear Jay whine high.

"You gotta be quiet baby," Heeseung warns him, licking at the spot, "We don't want anyone to hear do we?"

The thought of someone listening to Heeseung claiming Jay stirs some even more crazy ideas, but that's for him to ravel another day.

Today Heeseung has some better ideas.

"Do you think you can keep quiet for me?"

There's a devilish shine in Heeseung's eyes that Jay is helplessly drawn to. Jay nods eagerly.

"There's a punishment if you don't," Heeseung warns him, testing the waters.

"Yes hyung," the breathless answer is all Heeseung needs.

"Good boy."

Fifteen minutes in and Jay is already so close to losing his mind. His shirt was barely on for three minutes before it ends up on the floor again.

"Hyung," Jay holds back his sob, the tears running down his pink cheeks is enough testament to how much Jay has been holding back.

"I can't anymore," Jay bites his fist but he's drooling so his words are a bit slurred.

His other hand holding onto the bedsheet like a lifeline. "Please, please, I want to come."

"Little more, baby."

Jay should be embarrassed at the wet sound Heeseung's fingers make as he pulls them out his hole but he's too far gone to care. Too busy begging.

"You ready?"

Heeseung doesn't wait for Jay to answer, it wasn't a question, just a warning. Heeseung plunges his cock deep in Jay, in one motion and watches the way his eyes roll back, his back arching off the bed.

"Good boy."

Heeseung doesn't bother to be gentle, gripping his waist hard enough to bruise. His only goal today is to break Jay and he'll use every dirty trick to make sure it happens.

Heeseung slows down his thrust suddenly, stopping completely to let his fingers dip into Jay's bellybutton then trace shapes on his tummy. Heeseung smirks at the shiver running through Jay's body at his touch, reduced to a whimpering mess.

Heeseung spreads his hands over Jay's chest, thumbing Jay's nipple to watch him gasp.

"Heeseung hyung," Jay pleads, biting down on his lower lip.

"Yes baby?"

"I want to come," Jay finally sobs out. "I'm sorry hyung."

There's drool at the corner of his mouth. Jay blinks wide teary eyes at him, letting his sobs out. He couldn't stop it, once it gets out, it keeps going.

"I'magoodboy," Jay sucks in a stuttering breath, "I promise."

Red splotches mar Jay's face from the intense crying. Heeseung just hums, combing back Jay's sweaty hair plastered to his forehead. A gentle touch in the cruelest way.

Jay sniffs pathetically.

"Good boys take their punishment well."

Heeseung smiles down at Jay, and Jay knows he is ruined for.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔

"Jungwon is going to kill us."

Heeseung cringes at Jongseong's hoarse voice, knowing fully well it's all his fault. He sits on the bed where his boyfriend is resting, head against the headboard.

"Here," Heeseung taps his chin, titling the bottle gently to help Jay drink. Jay takes greedy gulps of it in one go, almost finishing the whole bottle.

"Sorry, I think I went overboard." Heeseung sighs, putting the bottle on the nightstand.

"I wanted it," Jay admits in consolation, fighting down his blush in vain. "It was good."

Heeseung pats his head, letting Jay lean into the touch.

"You were good, you're always good."

Jay preens at the compliment, nuzzling his hand. Heeseung grins at the sight.

"Now it's time for all good boys to sleep."

Jay snorts but lets Heeseung take his hand away.

"Rest up, you need it. I will..." Heeseung glances at their hotel room and the soiled sheets on the other bed, "Fuck."

Jay laughs, wiggling his body to get under the thick duvet.

"I'll help you with cleaning up," Jay says in between a yawn, "Later."

"No, I can handle it," Heeseung insists, pulling the duvet up to Jay's chin. "Are you warm enough?"

"Yes hyung," Jay bats his pretty eyes at Heeseung, "All thanks to your hoodie."

Heeseung loves his hoodie, but he loves Jay in it even more. Especially like this, all comfortable. All his.

Heeseung's hand make their way to Jay's hair again, completely irresistible. Heeseung thinks Jay had fallen asleep when he suddenly pipes up.

"Hyung, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah?"

Jay fidgets a bit, his eyes flitting to where their phones are charging on the nightstand before going back to Heeseung's face.

"Why are you in the jaywonville community?"

Heeseung groans loudly, flopping back on the bed and over Jay's legs. What the fuck. Those words seem to be his new life motto.

"How did you even find out?"

"A little birdie-"

"It's Jungwon isn't it? That little shit."

Heeseung manages to go through at least five stages of grief before Jay stops him.

"You really should get a privacy screen, hyung."

"Maybe people should just stop looking at my phone," Heeseung turns his pouting to Jay, who only giggles at him.

"I'm curious is all, you don't have to tell me."

"It was just for research. I wanted to know what people were saying about hashtag jaywon."

"Ridiculous," Jay laughs at him.

Heeseung likes it when Jay laughs.

Cheeks like apple, smiling so hard and so happy he doesn't mind the wound on his lower lip re-opening time and time again. Selfless, in that sort of way. And beautiful, with sparkles in his eyes, his hair, everywhere.

"You love me," Heeseung tells Jay, a truth.

"I do."

The fondness in Jongseong's voice breaches through every skin and bone in Heeseung's body. Makes it way to lodge in between his ribs and straight to his heart. So it's no surprise when the only answer to that is,

"I love you too."

Jongseong's smile rivals the sun, every star in the universe.

"I know."

Heeseung doesn't fully understand himself but he thinks he's getting there.

Because if he went back to those days where he was unrecognizable, this moment right now wouldn't exist. Heeseung imagines standing on stage, surrounded by love - his members, family, lover, fans - Heeseung is reminded of why the sacrifice is worth it, always worth it, in the end.

Ah, Heeseung thinks, I wouldn't trade this for the world.

"I love you so much," Heeseung adds on for good measure.

Jay tilts his head to the side and smiles softly at Heeseung, "Kiss me hyung?"

★

Chapter Text

Loving Heeseung is a blue sky on a spring day. It’s gentle; much akin to lips grazing your cheek when you're half asleep, a tug on your sleeve, warm tea on a rainy day. 

But it wasn't always like this. This was, is , something Jay had curated for years. A work of art he has yet to complete.

Before, when they just met - it was more of infatuation and adoration. Heeseung, the terribly talented siren voice, who had earned everyone’s respect in a place where it is not given carelessly or freely. 

The first time he had touched Heeseung's hands, he was still 16 and madly afraid of Heeseung. They know each other, sure, they’ve even talked before - but they're not close. Jay was clumsy before, always too scared to make a mistake but would still trip on air anyways.

Heeseung offered his hand and Jay took it graciously. Heeseung probably thought his hands were shaking from the fall but the truth is Jay felt like his hand was on fire from the touch. There's something burning in Heeseung that Jay can feel.

“Careful,” Heeseung had said and ruffled his hair. 

Jay had swooned.

Jay was the one who invited Heeseung for lunch first, paying for two bowls of ramen. 

Suddenly Heeseung stopped being scary. And like fishermen drawn to a siren, Jay finds himself trailing behind Heeseung who doesn't seem to mind. Dance together, vocal practice together, lunch together. 

17 year old Jay knows what a crush is. It is something he has on Heeseung. All the time spent together during the survival show had branded Jay with Heeseung’s name in his heart. At first it was bearable - it's just a crush, a golden rush, a fool’s gold - it wasn't burning like the sun, it was burning like a star, the same and yet so different at the same time.

The sun is also a star no? But no one calls it a star, very rarely is it recognized for what it is. 

It was burning hot at that time, a star born whispering Heeseung’s name and exploding inside of Jay. But Jay is just 18, he's allowed to be reckless, allowed to call Heeseung his life’s turning point on national television.

Then they debuted. Together. Fear has morphed into something more extreme, something Jay can't name. 

Jay seeks comfort from Heeseung. He lays down beside Heeseung, and Heeseung lets him. The guy that Jay is nursing a massive crush on lets him tuck himself in his side, lets Jay crinkle the front of his shirt with his clenched fists.

Heeseung is the quiet certainty that settles in Jay’s soul and stays.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

The first thing you do when you realise you like someone of the same gender is of course, spiral. You laugh hysterically, imagine building a life with them, see your parents’ face staring back at you and start crying. You realise that crushes don't feel this intense.

Jay, stupid, innocent, naive, had run to Heeseung’s waiting arms. A fool, running into the same fire he had ignited when he was 16.

The look in Heeseung’s eyes at that time, Jay knew exactly what it was. 

Anger. 

Jay had been angry too. It was 2020 for fuck’s sake, isn't everyone woke enough by now?

Jay was so angry he told Sunghoon everything. Sunghoon had let Jay cry silently in his, admittedly stiff, arms, in his too small bunk bed as everyone else dozed off.

“Heeseung hyung isn't like that.” Sunghoon had told him. “He wouldn't hate you for something you can't control.”

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

It took just two weeks for Jay to see that Sunghoon was right. 

“A friend confessed to me today,” Jungwon had told everyone at the dining table, never quite knowing when to stop sharing his thoughts back then, which pieces of himself he got to keep and which to share. “I turned him down obviously but it’s quite sad because he didn't expect me to answer him. He just wanted to tell me before I became some hotshot idol.”

Ni-ki was the first one to speak up. 

“A guy?”

“Namkang High School is an all boys school,” Heeseung had said so smoothly, “At least he managed to get it out. He can move on now.”

Jay had stared intently then. He wanted to see if the anger was still there. 

But nothing. Just true sincere honesty. 

Heeseung had even comforted Jungwon about it, one hand on his back as Jungwon told him about how it makes him feel bad.

“It's not your fault you don't feel the same way, I’m sure he doesn't want you to feel like this too. Love isn't supposed to make you feel like this.”

Sunghoon had looked at Jay, as if to say, See? He would never.

Then what was it ? What was that , that night, if not the burning embers of anger?

“Maybe he was angry at you for getting snot all over him,” Sunghoon had shrugged.

Sunghoon found out how much it hurts when someone throws a luggage bag at you that day.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

The burning sensation has died down long ago, in its wake now a blue bright sky. 

Loving Heeseung is subtly touching his hand on the table, fingers brushing and leaving in its wake an electric buzz, leaning against him when they sit next to each other, shopping trips, trailing his eyes down Heeseung’s body after a shower, swallowing and looking away. Taking any chance to touch him no matter how barely there it feels.

Akin to a tug on a sleeve - barely there, barely felt.

Jay knew that being an idol came at a cost - it is giving parts of you away while retaining some, and hiding the rest. Give away your passion, your love for music, your courage and retain that love, that constant growth and redeeming qualities. Tucking the ugly parts of himself had never been easy - Jay takes expressiveness as a compliment. Singing his lungs out, trying to hold hands with Sunghoon after a rough banter, confronting his members about their bad habit of being messy, unorganized; Jay is anything but quiet.

But loving Heeseung is the most silent he has ever been. 

Time has sculpted Heeseung to perfection in every single way. His voice and his body carved into something more solid, stable and strong. Dependable.

Heeseung doesn't show off much but Jay can see the outline of his biceps when he reaches for a snack hidden on the upper cupboards. During practice when his shirt will ride up his stomach, Jay is reminded of how much larger and stronger Heeseung is than him. How easy it would be for Heeseung to manhandle him.

Jay isn't ashamed to admit that he is still a man who needs to blow off steam sometimes. 

Sue him, Heeseung is hot as hell and being so close to him but still unable to reach him leaves Jay to imagine all the what ifs.

Jongseong had always been a little sensitive, quick to feel and quick to react, in a way only a careful man could be. But so, so, afraid of being misunderstood. Jay doesn't know where to put it down, this heavy heart of his.

Sunghoon had suggested journaling.

Jay decides, no thanks and installs twitter instead. Lurking in the spaces writing his name. The first post Jay had seen with the tag was an alternate universe post. 

🪽 @saltysunoo 

A #heejay au:

Heeseung is your average college student, Jay is a man on a mission - to make Heeseung fall in love with him.

3 reply | 75 retweets | 902 likes

Then there was a one minute long compilation of Heeseung never being able to look at Jay straight in the eyes. Jay hadn’t even realized that. Jay knows he shouldn’t be feeding their- his own , damn imaginations but if this is all he’ll ever get - he’ll take it. 

ᴀʀᴀ@kursiseimbang  

Of course Heeseung can’t make eye contact with Jongseong, if he did they might start kissing AFSHGH #HEEJAY

1reply | 82 retweets | 500 likes

Now we’re all hopeless together.

 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 1.

It’s past midnight and Jay has a meeting with Heeseung and their manager in a few hours. He should be sleeping, really but Jungwon had insisted on them going on a night walk, a staff member trailing behind them a few meters away for privacy.

“How are you feeling about the comeback hyung?”

“Nervous actually,” Jay shoves his hands in his pockets. “It’s a new genre we’ve never tried before.”

Jungwon nods. “The company wants you and Heeseung to be a couple.”

What the fuck. “Huh?”

“The marketing executives think increasing fanservice will bring in more fans,” Jungwon knocks their shoulders together so Jay would look at him. “They asked me to choose which pair would be perfect for it. It’s a trial, if it works then it’s a new strategy. If it doesn’t…”

Jungwon shrugs. They fall silent as Jay replays that sentence for two minutes, trying to make sense of it.

“I’m giving you a heads up,” Jungwon says quietly. “Don’t freak out tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Jay says sincerely, head still spinning, “Have you told Heeseung hyung?”

“No, he’ll know tomorrow.”

Jay furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Then why are you telling me this now?”

Jungwon imitates the confusion on Jay’s face. “So you don’t freak out tomorrow. I mean I can’t imagine finding out I’m being paired up to be a couple, for a marketing strategy at that, with someone I love.”

Jay turns his head around 180 degrees so fast Jungwon had to side step so he wouldn’t fall down. Their staff is far away enough that it’d be impossible for him to hear them. He does however throw them a questioning look.

Jay settles his shocked, panicked look onto Jungwon, tugging him close so they could whisper.

“How do you know?”

Fuck, Jay thinks he can’t breathe - his breath is stuck in his throat, his heart too loud he can hear the blood pumping in his veins.

Jungwon wraps an arm around Jay, one hand clasping Jay’s suddenly cold hands. Jungwon rubs Jay's hands to warm them up.

“Hyung, breathe,” Jungwon reminds him, “Breathe.”

“Who else knows? Do the- does everyone know? Is that why they called you in?”

Jungwon stops walking, glancing behind and giving their staff a sign to stop. The staff looks at them curiously but takes a few steps back - getting the hint.

“Hyung,” Jungwon holds onto Jay’s shoulders gently. “No one knows, it was a marketing executives decision to bring more revenue in. No one else knows.”

Jay takes in a deep shuddering breath. The air is back in his lungs but his heart is thumping so hard it hurts. Jungwon wouldn’t lie to him, and that fact seems to comfort Jay.

“Then why did you- how do you know?”

Jungwon continues rubbing Jay’s arms, smiling now. “It’s so obvious to me. I don’t know how no one else noticed the way you act around him.”

Jay’s eyes open wide, “Shit, how do I act around him?”

“Like you want him to baby you.”

Jay takes a step back so Jungwon’s hands would fall away. He slaps both of his cheeks, mortified and like he wishes he could run into oncoming traffic. He isn’t sure if the red in his cheeks is from the slap or embarrassment.

“Sunghoon knows,” Jay breathes out, “I told him before.”

Jungwon nods in understanding, “I’m glad you had someone to talk to.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”

“Why are you sorry?” Jungwon laughs, “We all have secrets we don’t tell. Sometimes it’s even easier to tell a stranger than it is to tell your own best friend.”

Jay leans his forehead on Jungwon’s shoulder. Suddenly he is so exhausted. The meeting is in a few hours and Jay doesn’t think he can fall asleep with how nervous he feels. 

A couple. With Heeseung hyung.  

A dream come true and a nightmare intertwined as one. 

“It’s just a trial, It’s temporary,” Jungwon rubs the back of Jay’s head. “You should use this chance. Get close to him. He can’t push you away without the company getting angry.”

Jay laughs, a tired sound.

“I’m not doing something he doesn’t like. I don’t want to force him to be with me.”

“But you’re not, you’re just doing whatever’s in the best interest of the company.”

Jay imagines Heeseung looking him in the eye, them both looking at each other at the same time, something Heeseung still hasn't managed to do longer than a few seconds. 

Sometimes Jay feels 17 again, wishing for the easy way Heeseung would have looked at him without prying eyes everywhere. Where Jay could giggle over a ramen bowl as Heeseung retells him the gossip from the older trainees. 

Days where Jay is just Jongseong and Heeseung is just his Heeseung hyung.

“You can't keep reading those fanfics on twitter forever."

Jay lifts his head up, startled.

Jungwon just shrugs, "You should really stop leaving your phone lying around unlocked.”

Jay closes his eyes in acceptance.

It’s going to be a long night.

 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 2.

Jay knows he's taking advantage of this situation and to some extent, taking advantage of his Heeseung hyung but Jungwon said this was his chance so to hell with it . Anything Jungwon says is simply true - no argument. It’s for the best interest of the company anyway.

“I get it. Like a sleepover with friends. Same room. Is that it?”

Jay nods, slumping in relief. Secretly he feels like there’s a knot in his throat.

“Night time is usually more intimate, it’s when one is more vulnerable or something,” Jay mumbles, “It’s- Do you think it’s a good idea?”

Jay can’t help it. He knows it’s probably annoying how much validation he seeks from Heeseung, but he needs it, the praise, the toe curling feeling of being told he’s good .

Sunghoon calls him a whore but what would Sunghoon know?  

“Yeah,” Heeseung says although Jay can see the hesitance in his eyes. 

Jay bites his lip. He wants this, but he doesn’t want to do anything Heeseung doesn’t. If he has to keep watching Heeseung from afar to keep Heeseung comfortable, he would.

“You can say no if you don’t want to hyung, I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not,” Heeseung says immediately, lip pulled in a smile. “I mean it. You can even come over anytime you want.” 

Jay feels himself beaming. “You’re the best Heeseungie hyung.” 

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 2

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

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me:

Sunghoon [15:17]

Park Sunghoon

Yeah??? [15:17]

me:

Heeseung hyung agreed [15:20]

He agreed to the sleepover [15:20]

Oh mygod I can’t believe it [15:20]

Park Sunghoon

You’re losing your v card before me? 🫤 [15:21]

me:

It’s a sleepover for fucks sake [15:22]

V-card?? WHAT ARE YOU? 10??? [15:22]

Don’t make it weird tomorrow. Act like you know nothing [15:22]

Park Sunghoon

Talking to me like I’m your side chick 😣 [15:23]

Don't act like you don't want him to take you to bed 😕 [15:23]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 3.

When Jay drags his comforter to Heeseung’s room, Sunghoon looks at him smugly. His smile was teasing, taunting even, as he crossed his arms over his chest and pretended to be curious about what Jay was doing.

Jay had given him what he hopes to be a very intimidating middle finger. 

“What’s that for?” 

“You’re just mad that Heeseung hyung didn’t invite you to our slumber party.”

It has always been easy to rage bait Sunghoon, especially when you’re Park Jongseong.

“Are you 12?” Sunghoon started barking like an angry puppy. It was music to Jay’s ears.  “Heeseung hyung is probably just being considerate about you being scared of the dark!”

When Jay slams the door closed, Heeseung looks amused, too used to their banter by now.

Jay is just glad he decided to sleep on the floor for their first sleepover, now he knows what to expect if they laid side by side on the bed. Jay imagines it as he peers up on the bed to where Heeseung is sprawled, starting a conversation just to see Heeseung’s eyes on him for a second.

“You’ll do great, you always do. You exceed everyone’s expectations each time.”

“Yeah?” Jay can’t help but be swayed.

“Yeah. And they’ll love Helium, we already do. Sunghoon sings it everyday. Hell, I sing it a lot too. It’s amazing.” You’re amazing , is what Jay hears.

“Nothing will beat Highway 1009, my favourite song,” Jay can’t help but laugh happily, thinking about how now they’re producer Heeseung and producer Jay.

“You have bad taste. My favourite is Helium, the best producer produced it.”

Producer Heeseung and producer Jay.

This is going to be easy, Jay tells himself. This marketing strategy is going to work just fine. This is his only chance to get closer, to hold onto Heeseung’s hand and climb into his bed with a solid reason. 

Even if it’s temporary, Jay will take whatever he can get.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 4.

Jay feels restless, he can’t focus on anything at all. Tomorrow’s the big day. 

It’s not like they have to kiss in front of the audience but Jay isn't sure how subtle, subtle is? Jay has been going his whole life subtly being in love with Heeseung? What more could he do?

What else can he put at stake to be able to love Heeseung just a little bit louder?

Jay sighs, as he reaches for the door knob. 

“Hyung,” Jay blinks in surprise.

Heeseung looks as equally surprised as he is.

“I knocked but you didn’t say anything, you okay?” Heeseung leans down a bit to look at Jay’s face closer but Jay ducks his head, shy.

“I’m fine,” Jay reaches for one of Heeseung’s hands, just because he can, for now, “Just a bit distracted.”

He sees the way Heeseung eyes flick to their hands but doesn't say anything so Jay lets Heeseung tug him along. Only stopping Heeseung before they reach the other dormitory’s door.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” 

Jay knows Heeseung wants to say no, he sees the way Heeseung’s mouth had curled the letter 'N' but he asks anyway. 

“Alright.”

Jay is sure there is a price to pay for getting all of his prayers answered. However, for just one chance, even if it’s to get 1cm closer to Heeseung, Jay thinks he'd do anything.

That night, when sleep is pulling Jay’s eyelids heavy, he musters up all the courage he knows will dissipate if he overthinks it.

“Goodnight hyung, and thank you,” Jay turns to his side, staring at Heeseung’s side profile.

“For what?”

Jay closes his eyes. Imagines Heeseung looking back at him.

“For doing this with me. I’m glad they chose you. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.”

Heeseung stays silent but Jay is too exhausted to care. A few blinks later, he’s out like a light. He’ll just freak out about what he said tomorrow.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 6

🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end 

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Heeseungie hyung

Did you tell anyone about our marketing strategy? [01:20]

me:

Sunghoon. Jungwon? [Deleted]

No. Why? [01:20]

Have you told anyone? [01:20]

Heeseungie hyung

I’m planning to tell Jungwon. Is that okay? [01:20]

We can talk about who else to tell later. [01:20]

Jay immediately calls Jungwon. He picks up after the second ring.

“Hyung are-”

“Please don’t tell him you know,” Jay pleads.

Jungwon stays silent on the other line for a few beats, before finally, “What?

“Heeseung hyung, he wants to tell you about the couple thing-”

“Right, couple thing .”

Jay ignores the giddy tone in Jungwon's voice, “So you have to pretend like you know nothing, alright?”

Jay looks at his screen when his phone pings.

Heeseungie hyung

Jongseong? [01:22]

Jungwon laughs, “Of course I will, what do you take me for? You can trust me.”

Jay bites his lip as he replies to Heeseung.

me:

Yeah. Okay. 👍👍👍👍 [01:23]

Heeseungie hyung

Okay, go to sleep now. Goodnight! [01:23]

me:

Goodnight hyung ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁  😴 [01:23]

“I won’t say anything,” Jungwon promises. “Now go to bed, I’ll take care of it.”

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

Jungwon does not take care of it. Jungwon makes it worse and confusing and refuses to explain what happened on the rooftop. For all Jay knows, they could have made out. Jay wouldn’t blame Jungwon - Heeseung is hot, but it would hurt.

June 6

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Jungwonnie 

So I accidentally told him that I know… [09:18]

But I told him I knew before you even said anything cause I was there in the meeting room [09:18]

Everything’s ok! [09:18]

me:

😐 😐 😐 😐😐 😐 😐 😐 😐 😐 [09:19]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 10.

“Hyung, look at me.”

When Heeseung doesn’t turn to him immediately, Jay follows his line of sight and spots Jungwon; jokingly he asks, “Do you like Jungwon?” 

“No,” Heeseung’s face morphs into a frown, Jay chuckles at that until Heeseung turns the question on him. “Do you?”

“Of course not,” Jay scrunches up his nose. 

It’s not the first time someone had asked him that but it’s so obvious to anyone with working eyes that Jungwon doesn’t look or touch Jay like he does to Sunoo. So obvious, the way Jungwon’s eyes twinkle every time he turns to Sunoo.

Enhypen are parallel to stars. Different colours, heat and composition but in the same vast galaxy. Sunoo is a Rigel, a blue supergiant that happens to be the brightest in the Orion constellation. And that’s why Jungwon could never take his eyes off Sunoo. 

“Do you think he likes you?” Heeseung asks in all seriousness.

Heeseung is Jay’s north star in all meanings of the word. His Polaris, a constant star in the northern sky. The one who navigates him, someone who provides guidance and direction in his life.

“Hyung, where is this coming from?”

“Why did you tell him about the sleepover?” Heeseung asks again, dodging the question.

Heeseung is a very very difficult man, Jay decides.

“No reason, I just- I was scared I would scare you away so I asked him for advice,” Jay says honestly.

“Why would you scare me away?”

Jay is quiet when he looks at Heeseung, searching in his eyes for- something. Hope? Affection? Jay isn’t sure. All he sees are questions.

“I'm just anxious okay,” Jay looks away, sighing. “Why do you have to question everything? Some things are just to be.”

“Is that a lyric from Que Sera Sera?”

Jay walks away from Heeseung before he does something stupid like pull him in for a kiss and say, there, happy?

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 12

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Park Sunghoon

[Link to a twitter profile] [10:03]

This person has a lot of spongebob memes [10:03]

me:

??? [10:17]

Thanks for sharing I guess [10:17]

Park Sunghoon

They’re saying Heeseung hyung was giving you bedroom eyes [10:17] 

He wanted you in his lap so bad oh my god [10:17]

[Screenshot of Heeseung looking at Jay as they hold hands during their Bad Desire fan showcase] [10:17]

me:

Why is that on your timeline [10:18]

Park Sunghoon

I need to keep up with recent news [10:19]

He wants the cookie so bad 😝 [10:19]

me:

Don’t talk like that [10:20]

You shouldn’t be on twitter [10:20]

You shouldn’t even have a phone [10:20]

I’m going to confiscate every electronic device you own [10:20]

Park Sunghoon

Remember that one video where Heeseung hyung said your lips look kissable? [10:23]

The streets are saying he's gay [10:23]

DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ [10:26]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 18

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Mr. Lim (manager)

[Screenshot of the trending page on twitter, the word Heeseung with 20k posts, Heejay with 14.7k posts.] [20:01]

Good job! [20:01]

Jay knows he shouldn’t be mad at this , at their manager or company or whatever. He should be grateful that they’ve given him this chance. But Jay wants it to be real so bad. He wants to be able to compliment Heeseung whenever he wants, to post and show off and it hurts.

That this is the closest he’ll ever get to loving Heeseung loudly.

If Jay closes his eyes tight, he can imagine Heeseung bursting through the doors. In his head Heeseung takes his hands and asks, will you run away with me?  

Jay says yes , and they move to the middle of nowhere and live on a farm. There's a garden of vegetables and plants. Crimson red roses bloom, intertwining with their white picket fence.

Heeseung picks up a blooming red rose and gives it to Jay- No, not Jay, but Jongseong . Heeseung gives the flower to Jongseong with a kiss.

me:

Thank you [20:02]

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 20.

Heeseung hyung bought a lamp for me, for me, for me, formeformeforme. Jay feels as if his heart is the night lamp, now glowing and burning into the shape of a star.

A familiar fuzzy feeling makes its way into Jay’s bloodstream at the thought. It’s still there, humming, even after the topic changes.

Heeseung is gorgeous in all the ways a man could possibly be. Even with the faint glow of the nightlamp, he is so so breath taking. Or maybe Jay is just biased, it doesn’t matter really.

“Sometimes even I forget what’s real and what’s not anymore.”

Just like how it doesn’t matter how blurry the lines between friendship and something more are between them. And that is the truth. When there are parts of you, you have to choose between hiding or showing, you forget which one is heavier than the other.

It’s a sacrifice all of them had to make.

There’s a knowing look in Heeseung’s eyes when he says, “Yeah, I get it.”

Heeseung squeezes Jay’s hand tighter and Jongseong wants to close the distance between them. He doesn’t. Jay is great at holding back. He’s had nine years to perfect it afterall.

“You know I was so relieved when they called your name, during i-land…” Heeseung’s voice cracks in the middle but Jay pretends to not hear it. “I’m glad I get to do this with you.”

“I know,” Jay laughs softly, heart on his sleeve. “You hugged me twice. I’m glad I get to do this with you too.”

Heeseung had let him tuck his face in the crook of his neck, even if it was just for a few moments. And that was the closest Jay could ever get to kissing him. Jay plays it in his head sometimes, when he misses them, them before debut, before ruthless comments and mistakes aired on the internet. Before anything bad had managed to get so close to them.

But Jay wouldn’t trade right now for anything else. Maybe everything that has happened, good and bad - it is to make space so this moment right now, could happen, could exist.

“I really like you Heeseung hyung.” Jay prays his heart doesn’t jump out of his chest with how erratic it feels, but this much honesty is another sacrifice Jay is willing to make. It just feels right.

“You’re the best hyung anyone could ever ask for.”

Heeseung’s body stiffens for a second before he visibly relaxes it. Jay can’t help the small smile curving his lips. He wishes Heeseung was always this easy to read.

“I like you too, you’re the best dongsaeng anyone could ask for.” 

Jay smiles wider even though Heeseung couldn’t see him. 

Here in the dark they don’t need to be Enhypen’s Jay and Enhypen’s Heeseung. Jay can be just Jongseong and Heeseung can be just Heeseung who Jay is madly in love with. Jay can smile on his shoulder and Heeseung can hold his hands longer than a few seconds.

When Jay pulls his head away, Heeseung turns to face him. All of the fear in the world falls away, and in the middle of it all is still Lee Heeseung.

“I’ll tell everyone you said that,” Jay jokes.

There’s something different in Heeseung’s smile when he answers, “I'll tell them you lied.”

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 22.

When Jay is done washing up, Heeseung has fallen asleep.

Jay knows he should head back to his own room - it wouldn't be dangerous, the door auto locks immediately when it closes. Jay knows he should leave, sleep in his own bed but his desire wins this time.

Lately with Heeseung, it's getting unmanageable - the desire and want and yearning. The confession is always at the tip of his tongue, begging to fall out the crevice of his mouth.

Jay sits down on the bed, peering down at Heeseung lying on his back. His red hair falls down in pretty waves, covering his forehead. His lips are glistening with what Jay guesses is a lip balm. Heeseung is very strict with his skin care.

Jay hovers his right hand above Heeseung's face, itching - to brush back his bangs, trace his lips, caress his cheeks. Jay's heart aches with want. Aches for Heeseung to just open his eyes and see him for who he is; Park Jongseong, the man who has loved him for almost a decade.

Jay lies down on his side next to Heeseung, he hugs a pillow close to his chest as he watches the rhythmic fall and rise of Heeseung's chest.

When he falls asleep, he dreams of Heeseung's bright smile against his cheek.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 24.

Jay tucks Heeseung into his bed, pulling the blanket over his waist as Heeseung settles down, no longer able to fight off his drowsiness.

"Goodnight, hyung,” Jay smiles down at Heeseung, looking like a guardian angel visiting their assigned human.

But then Heeseung’s hand reaches out so suddenly, grabbing the front of his shirt. Jay topples over half on the bed, both his arms holding him up beside Heeseung’s head as the older tries to get up.

"Don't," Jay gently reprimands, wrapping a hand around Heeseung’s wrist, trying to loosen his hold, his other moving to Heeseung’s chest, pushing him down. His knees shake with the struggle.

Heeseung groans and Jay can see him forcing his eyes open, half lidded with how much effort it takes. It shouldn’t be as endearing as Jay feels it is. Jay brushes his bangs out of his eyes. Just this much, Jay reminds himself.

"Sleep here," Heeseung slurs out.

Jay gives him a pained smile even though he’s sure Heeseung won’t remember this tomorrow, doesn’t even see it right now, "I can't, I shouldn't."

If he does, he doesn’t think it’ll end well. Drunk Heeseung will say yes at anything and half sober Jongseong will take anything Heeseung is willing to give.

Heeseung’s hand grabs at Jay’s sleeve, weakly tugging at it. His eyes close again, his lips opening and closing as if he’s mumbling but nothing coherent comes out. Jay catches bits of it.

“Stay here, look after me?”

It takes exactly 20 seconds for Heeseung to fall asleep after that, fingers still clutching Jay’s sweater like a lifeline. Jay pries open his fingers gently, telling a very much asleep Heeseung bits of honesty he can manage half drunk.

"I'm always looking at you,” Jay sighs wistfully, admiring Heeseung’s features. “Before, now and forever. You just never see that I do.”

Jay leans down closer, watching the way the light above catches Heeseung’s eyelashes and make them sparkle.

“I love you.”

The silence resounding in the room is comforting, it means the secret has been said but not heard. 

Jay doesn’t know why he doesn’t stop there. He knows this is a mistake, even half drunk he knows this will be just another secret he has to keep. Before Jay can change his mind, he leans down and presses a light kiss at the corner of Heeseung’s mouth.

It sobers him instantly. Jay hastily closes the lights and slams the door close.

He runs.

And like all of his secrets he had kept, he tells it to Sunghoon.

“Jay,” Sunghoon looks at him with wide surprise eyes, much like he did five years ago, “You shouldn’t have done that.” 

“I know," his hands shake, Jay isn't sure if its him or Earth has beenn hit with an asteroid large enough to shake the entirety. He hopes it's the second one.

"Oh my God, Hoon I’m so scared,” Jay doesn’t even notice the tears making their way down his face until Sunghoon lifts a hand up to wipe them away.

“Oh, Jay,” is all Sunghoon has to say, and Jay falls into his arms, sobbing and hurting.

Sunghoon pulls him in closer, one hand behind his head, as if saying, you can cry and I don’t care if it ruins my favourite shirt.  Sunghoon's hands aren't stiff anymore, they probably know the curve of Jay's back much more than anyone else does. 

Tomorrow Heeseung won’t remember it but Jay will, forever. This is the price Jay knew he would have to pay. 

Perhaps, indeed a fairytale, to wish for something gentle - like you and me.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 24.

Jay is dragging Sunghoon and Jake out with him to take his mind off everything. 

Jay can’t stand being in his own dorm room. Jungwon and Sunoo had gone to the movies again and Jay refuses to ask Heeseung out because, well, Heeseung is the thing he wants to take his mind off.

“Wait, this is nice.” Sunghoon looks at himself in Jake’s full body mirror. “I think the blue brightens my complexion.”

Jay stares at him through the mirror. Jake, Ni-ki and Sunghoon are all clothes goblins who like to borrow, read: steal, garments. 

Sunghoon denies it but he can't help himself when he finds something he likes, and today the item this goblin has set his eyes on is Jake’s blue cardigan.

“Is there anything that looks bad on you?” Jay says honestly, “God made you handsome to make up for everything else wrong about you.”

“Right,” Sunghoon dismisses the comment easily, sitting down at the edge of Jake’s bed. “And who put you on this planet?”

“Jake!” Jay yells without moving from his spot on the floor. 

Sunghoon has been making spongebob references this past week - his latest obsession and it’s driving Jay and Sunoo insane.

“Ten minutes!” comes the reply from the bathroom.

“Look at this,” Sunghoon snorts and turns his phone to Jay. 

Jay squints his eyes to see the words ‘Sheeseung’ attached to a really pretty photo of Heeseung edited to have long hair.

“They’re misgendering hyung again,” Sunghoon comments.

“They’re not,” Jay defends, “It’s just a joke.”

“I know, I was joking too.”

Jay wants to punch something, instead he sighs. “I can never tell with you.”

Sunghoon laughs but ignores Jay again in favour of his damn phone. Jay clears his throat and nudges Sunghoon with his toes.

“So do you think Heeseung hyung is okay? I feel like he’s been acting weird lately.” So casual. +1 point.

“Weird how?” Sunghoon’s eyes flit to Jay’s, “I guess he was a bit out of character last time we had dinner. Maybe he’s just more comfortable with us now, so he’s showing his silly side we rarely see.”

“You rarely see, I see it all the time.” Jay brags.

“Congrats, do you get a medal for that?”

“No, I wish I did.” Jay sighs wistfully, “I wish he would look at me.”

Sunghoon puts his phone down and looks at Jay seriously. “Is this about your crush on Heeseung hyung?”

Jay shushes him loudly as Sunghoon rolls his eyes.

“He's always looking at you though? You’re the one who doesn’t notice.” Sunghoon furrows his eyebrow in concentration. “I think you imprinted on him.”

Jay throws a dirty shirt from the floor at him.

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

Sunghoon dodges it like a pro, letting the shirt fall sadly on the floor as he picks up his phone and continues to scroll.

“Like a mother duck?” Jay nudges Sunghoon’s feet with his toes again just to see him squirm away.

“No like,” Sunghoon kicks at his leg. “An omega?”

“The supplement?”

“No, you idiot,” Sunghoon huffs impatiently.

“Like a wolf. You know, alpha, beta, omega. Submissive and bottom of the pyramid, omega. Do you not see that stuff on twitter?”

Jay is very worried about the words coming out of Sunghoon’s mouth. 

“What side of twitter are you on?”

“Don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else?”

“Why are my princesses fighting?” Jake says as he strolls in, dumping a wet towel on the floor before breaking into an impromptu dance. “Also did you guys know that the donkey model for Shrek is a miniature donkey?”

Jay’s phone pings in his lap.

🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻‍♂️

June 25

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Park Sunghoon 

What’s your a/b/o status/scent? [Answer quiz here: https://t.co/bAJDWvtclw] [12:01]

What did you guys get? [12:01]

Jungwonnie

I’ll do it after this [12:01]

What did you get hyung? [12:01]

me:

I’m not doing it [12:01]

Park Sunghoon 

Who cares [12:01]

Everyone knows you're community omega [12:01]

Jay reaches for Jake’s wet towel and throws it at Sunghoon. He doesn’t miss this time.

Jay is so grateful to have Sunghoon in his life.

˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔ 

June 28.

It takes Jay exactly three days to figure out what was wrong with Heeseung. And it’s really easy because there can only be one reason why Heeseung is acting the same way he did five years ago, and it’s probably the same damn reason, now magnified because he has managed to figure out Jay's feelings him.

"Hey hyung," Jay tries to give him a smile.

“Hi," Heeseung greets him, but his eyes are trained on the phone in his hands, tapping away at whatever game it is he’s playing.

“Our video is up now,” Jay reminds him, trying to gather the last bits of his pride. “The one on Rakkonz's channel.”

“Ah, thanks, I’ll watch it later.”

Jay nods, straightening himself and taking in a deep breath. It’s been five years and this time, something has to change. They can’t keep doing this same dance. Jay clears his throat.

“Thank you by the way.” 

Heeseung looks confused, finally looking up at him.

“Huh? For what?” 

Jay takes exactly three seconds to admire this Heeseung, this version of Heeseung before he ultimately ruins it for the both of them. Nine years, and this is where they end up at.

“For not being weird even after finding out I like you.”

The surprise and fear in Heeseung’s face shouldn’t feel as satisfying as it did.

“Jongseong.” Jay’s heart breaks a bit at the helplessness in his voice.

“Don't,” Jay holds a hand out, flapping it in the air. “I know you know. When did you find out? I'm sure it's recent, right? It couldn't be long.” 

Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, trying to think of the exact moment that could have exposed his dirty- no , not dirty, never dirty, because loving Heeseung is never a bad thing. 

Even now.

“That's why you’ve only been avoiding me these past few days, if you found out before, I don't think you would have agreed to the marketing strategy at all.”

“Jay,” Heeseung chokes out, and Jay can’t help the bitterness slipping out.

“Ah so it's Jay now? Honestly, how did you even find out?”

Heeseung stays quiet but there’s this look in his eyes, the same one Jay had seen the night of Sunoo’s birthday. Like he knows something he shouldn’t have. Jay has never done anything he shouldn’t. He has always been careful, too careful even. Except that night .

Stay here, look after me? I'm always looking at you, before, now and forever. You just never see that I do, the tips of Heeseung’s ears red, his eyelashes sparkling under the lights, hand on his sleeve and Jay is leaning down, down, down-

"You were asleep," It sounds pathetic, even to his own ears, "I thought you were asleep . "

“No, Jongseong,” Heeseung’s voice is strained, “I was. Sort of. I was half asleep."

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you-"

"I don't know what to say to you.”

Jay looks down at the ground, prays it splits open and swallows him. The world is spinning and everything hurts and his eyes feel like they’re on fire and Jay doesn’t-

Sometimes even I forget what’s real and what’s not anymore.

Everything in Jay's grasp is slipping away, this one chance Jungwon had given him, Jay had ruined it and the worst part is the realization that none of this was ever real. Everything Heeseung had done and said - empty.

The only real thing is his own feelings. Five years ago, and now.

Even the leftover pride can't help him this time. “You don't have to say anything. I do, I think. I mean I know I do. I do owe you an apology. I can't imagine how heavy it must feel.”

Jay holds back his tears trying to escape, he needs Heeseung to listen to what he says. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, hyung. I didn't mean to-" 

"It's fine,” Heeseung says curtly. “It's normal right? Everyone kisses their friend. Sometimes." 

Jay shakes his head, and doesn’t let his next words sound as hysterical as he feels. 

"No, not like that. I overstepped and I shouldn't have."

"I'll just pretend it never happened.”

Is it as easy as that, to forget me? Jay sits in the hurt. He lets it coil around him like a venomous prickly vine. Was any of it real? Please tell me. "I'm so sorry." 

"I know.”

Jay reaches for the door knob and holds it tightly until his knuckles turn white. Jay refuses to hide any longer, now that his heart is in the open.

"I'm sorry for kissing you. I'm not sorry for loving you. More than a friend should."

Heeseung opens and closes his mouth several times but ultimately chooses silence. Jay continues on, letting his pride shatter by his feet. There is nothing left of him.

“You don't have to- Please don't overthink this, don't- don't think about me or my feelings. I’ve been dealing with them for years. I know how to keep them under control.”

But if he did, then he wouldn’t have kissed Heeseung, and Jay wasn’t drunk enough to not know what he was doing. “At least I hope I do.”

“If I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable or, just,” Jay laughs, wow the irony , he thinks. “I don't know, sorry. Let me try that again. If I ever do anything you don't like, please tell me.”

Jay looks up at Heeseung again, and Heeseing is just- just there . But not really. Nothing is real, Jay reminds himself. The nightlight, hand holding, night talks, even the light reflecting off the strands of his hair is an illusion.

“Please let me still be your friend,” Jay didn’t mean to beg. “Nothing has to change, I promise. I don't want anything to change. Please.”

“Yeah of course, nothing has to change,” Heeseung moves as if he’s getting up from his bed, but Jay isn’t brave enough anymore.

“I’ll try to… yeah. I’m sorry, Jongseongie.”

Heeseung takes one step closer, and Jay takes one step back. Heeseung stands still then, in the middle of his room, unmoving.

“Please don't apologize, Thank you.” Jay doesn’t look at Heeseung when he speaks. “Goodnight, hyung.”

As soon as the door closes, Jay sprints to Sunghoon’s room. Jake is there too - they’re lounging around - but Jay doesn’t care as he climbs into bed next to Sunghoon. 

Sunghoon takes one look at him and pulls him into another tight hug, and there, finally, his tears spill out. This, too, is a practice perfected by time - crying on his best friend's shoulder. Jay hopes at least this was, is, real.

“It’s okay Jay,” Sunghoon whispers in his ears, “No love is ever wasted, especially not yours.” 

Jake doesn’t say anything but he crawls to plop himself on Jay’s other side, gathering Jay in a back hug. Jay cries harder.

“I’m so scared,” Jay tells them between bouts of tears.

No one says anything for a long time. They just hold him closer. The dimming light of a star sparks in his chest, thumping slowly.

“We can be scared together,” Sunghoon promises him. 

“All three of us,” Jake affirms.

Jay bites his lips and tries not to cry again.

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