Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Frank had been looking for an apartment for two months. He desperately needed to move out of his parents’ house. But unfortunately, most of the places for rent weren’t any good. They were expensive, had unreasonable rules, or were in bad places in Jersey. Still, Frank needed to move out. It was time to start making a life for himself. And life at home had never been easy to begin with. His parents did not like the way he carried himself. His tattoos, his piercings, the way he dropped out of college so easily. He felt that he was judged unfairly. Lots of other people were in the same position as him. And they weren’t losers. What was so bad about his wanting to do something different? It was fine that his parents never did anything fun, that they got married quick and stayed on the same job forever, but that didn’t work for everybody. At least that’s how he saw things. 

It was time to leave. Start a new life. A better one. One with some privacy, his own space, and maybe even a dog. His job as a bartender didn’t particularly make a lot of money. But he had saved up enough to be able to afford something decent. It was just getting harder and harder every day to find anything at that standard. Most places simply sucked. Still, he wasn’t going to give up so easily.

By October, he finally found a place that seemed promising. Multiple rooms. Cats and dogs allowed. Basic necessities. Only one roommate. Cheap rent. For him, this was as good as it could possibly get. He couldn’t say no. 

He spoke with the owner for about a week through texts. Discussing money, leases, and how fast he could get there. Frank did not understand what the rush was about. But he also realized maybe it was for the best. His parents kept pestering him about going back to college, to stop getting more tattoos, and to find a girlfriend. All things that Frank would simply not even consider. Instead, moving far away with a complete stranger and paying them for it seemed more promising. That’s how life at home was like.

When his parents got the news about him finally moving out, they were upset. At first, they didn’t find him responsible enough. Now, they didn’t find him to be loving his family enough. They were hard for him to understand or satisfy with his behavior. A lot of times it felt like they wanted more than what he could possibly give. This was one of those times. Cause he was not going to give up on that apartment in downtown Jersey. Not for a single thing in the world. He packed his bags and quickly started preparing. He used his only savings. And realized it was finally happening now.

His one chance for life to start. Finally there. He simply couldn’t wait. 

The only real problem was the roommate part. Frank considered himself to be introverted. Maybe even shy. The idea of meeting someone new was always scary. The idea of living with someone new was even worse. Frank had heard a lot of horror stories about bad roommates before. Dirty, lazy, rude. All sorts of bad things. Then it’s a whole new issue of finding a new apartment and hoping for the best, and that this time he gets it with someone who isn’t terrible. This new roommate could either make things or break it. 

Early November, Frank was out. Packed everything. Paid every penny. Prepared himself as best as he could. He was excited, but still very nervous about the whole thing. But more than anything, he wanted that fresh start, and he wasn’t going to be doing it under his parents' roof anymore. 

He got there early in the morning to sign all the papers. A van with his belongings was going to come by in the afternoon. For now, though, the main focus was on those papers. And on meeting him. The man he was going to be living with for at least the next six months in advance. Gerard Way. Frank wasn’t sure what to expect. Would he be younger? Older? Would he be nice? Would be an asshole? Would this whole thing be worth it? Would it not be?

Frank knocked on the door three times. No response. He knocked two more times. No response. He tried again. This time, he could hear steps getting closer. The door finally opens. 

A shirtless man with a towel wrapped around his hips comes out. His dark hair is dripping wet. Frank tries not to stare, but it’s so difficult. He takes a quick glance just for himself. Chubby. Pale skin. Soft. Frank wanted to stare more, but started looking at the ground instead. He was scared the other man would think he was being weird. That would not be a good way to start things. 

“Hey, man! I’m so sorry. Can you give me a sec?”

“I’m Frank”

He replied, nodding to himself. He was deadly nervous now. He didn’t want to stare. Or rather, he didn’t want to get caught staring. It was only their first day together. He didn’t want him to think he was a pervert. 

“I’m Gerard,” He said before offering his hand for Frank to shake it. It took him a couple of seconds to respond to the gesture. When he did, he couldn’t help but take advantage of the angle. He got a better view of his torso. He looked good. Exactly his type. Frank kept shaking his hand up and down with a forced smile till he heard him chuckle, “You can let go of now, man”.

”Oh,” Was all he said before letting go completely. He got so carried away by the staring he forgot handshakes didn’t last more than a few seconds. He was already starting to feel embarrassed. “H-Hi man.”

“I’ll be here in a minute. Okay?”

The man closes the door quickly. Frank’s left there standing in the hallway, confused about what he should do.

They were supposed to meet up at 9 am. It was 8:45. Had he done too much? He didn’t think it would make much of a difference. Wouldn’t it have been worse to get there 15 minutes late? He wished that would had been the case, though. At least that way, he wouldn’t have been greeted by a half-naked Gerard Way of all people. This was not how he would have liked to meet each other. 

Frank waits for him for a few minutes, unsure of what else he can do. This meeting feels awkward already. He’s almost scared to actually sign the papers. 

He recalls Gerard’s body again. Frank had been struggling with his sexuality for as long as he could remember. He knew he was attracted to men, he knew he liked gay porn, but he also felt like a lot of people did. He had never kissed a man in his life and wasn’t sure if he would ever dare to. He was too scared that he was going to be punched in the face. It was part of why he couldn’t live with his parents anymore too. Even as an adult, he knew they didn’t approve of that lifestyle, and it scared him. Some days, he would yearn to meet a man he liked. Some others he wanted to never be seen again. 

And now he was faced with a nearly naked man. One he was shamefully attracted to now. It felt so unfair. Could life ever give him a break? Did a new awful thing always have to happen to him? This Gerard guy was cute. Even after only meeting him for a few seconds, it made him feel things. Maybe it was all that unreleased sexual frustration. Maybe it was just the effect Gerard had on him. Either way, the situation felt scary. 

After a few minutes, Gerard opens the door again. He is now wearing clothes, thankfully. A hoodie with the logo of a band Frank likes. Some sweatpants. Anything is better than what he had on before. Gerard motions for him to come inside the apartment already. Frank follows along, looking around everywhere. The place seems to be in a good state, and the photos from the listing were not deceiving. This was a good deal. Gerard took him towards the kitchen. They both sat at the table there as Gerard pulled out the paperwork. 

“So…” Gerard starts as Frank is still reading the papers, “You don't mind some noise every once in a while, right?”

“N-No, noise is alright”

“Partying? Do you like partying?”

Frank stops for a moment to think. The closest to partying he has is his work as a bartender, and it’s not a fun one for him. He does it to get by, not because he likes the environment. Frank was never the partying type. Not in high school, not during his few semesters in college, not in the past year or so. He hoped Gerard wouldn’t find him boring though. He didn’t know what to say.

“Sure”

He says instead. He hopes this is the answer Gerard wants, and he is correct.

“Awesome, man,” Gerard continues, “I feel like you and I are gonna be good friends.”

“I hope”

Frank says as he signs his name on the papers. 

***

Frank finished moving his belongings to the apartment by noon. He didn’t bring all that much. Mostly clothes and old records of his. That’s where his money usually went. He also didn’t want to get into too much trouble when leaving, so he left a lot of things behind. His parents took it as a sign that he might come back soon. It was not. Frank was simply a procrastinator. Told himself he would bring more things later, but knew he probably wouldn’t. His parents didn’t plan on renting his room anyway.

He started unpacking almost immediately. Went to bed really late, but to him it was worth it. In the end, he had most of his stuff put together in the new place. He took some extra time to clean around the apartment too. Hoping that Gerard would be okay with it. Maybe even be happy about it. He would like to make Gerard happy for sure. But he tried to shake that thought away from his head. Sadly, Gerard didn’t come home. At least not when he was awake, anyway. He got to the apartment in the early morning, after spending the whole night partying. When he got there, he went to take a shower and went to bed almost immediately after. 

The next day, Gerard woke up early to head up to work. He was used to sleeping little and working with a hangover, barely having a reaction to it. This was going to be a regular day for him. But he did not want to leave without saying something to his new roommate. He knocked on his door a few times with no answer. Frank was still asleep. But it was getting late, and Gerard needed to leave shortly. He opened his door anyway. He hoped Frank wouldn’t mind it. He wasn’t the best at respecting people's personal space. But Frank would discover that rather quickly anyway. 

He walked towards his bed. There, he started pushing Frank’s shoulder softly, trying to get him to react. But nothing. Frank was still deeply into his sleep. Gerard tried pushing again, with no success. Now Gerard kept trying to move him, to the point he was now rubbing on his back. To Frank, it felt like a massage, really. He was too tired to care. He could feel Gerard’s motions, but was choosing not to say anything at all. He liked the feeling. A lot. 

“Hey dude.”

Gerard whispered. Frank finally opened his eyes. The room was still dark. It still had to be very early. Frank replied with nothing but a groan before closing his eyes again. He was exhausted from the day before. He had asked for a few days off from work too, and hadn’t even set an alarm. He just wanted to rest. For as long as he could. 

“Hey, dude, thanks so much for cleaning this place. You’re awesome.”

He insisted, moving his hands around Frank again, trying to get his attention. He kept pushing against his back with his hands. Frank found it very relaxing. It felt good. Way better than being woken up by an annoying alarm or his mom again. He could really get used to Gerard’s hands on him. 

“I’ll get up in a minute, I promise,” He said but his eyes were still closed. Gerard’s movements against him stopped. “No, keep doing that.”

“What?”

Gerard asked out loud. Frank felt concerned. He felt his own stomach contract from the nervousness. 

“Like, keep waking me up. Don’t stop waking me up!”

He said, with his eyes finally open. 

“Oh,” Gerard goes, “It’s nothing. I just wanted to say thank you for cleaning this mess.”

“You’re good, man.”

“I need to go to work now. I will let you sleep. Sorry”

***

They barely saw each other that whole day. Frank assumed that would be the case most of the time. He hoped it too. Gerard made him feel too many things already. It was best to avoid him. The memories of seeing him that morning were still with him. Even before he drifted into sleep that night, the last thing he thought about it was him in that towel. He looked good. Too good. And his hands were soft. Way too much. 

The next day, Frank wakes up early. He wants to finish unpacking the few boxes he has left. Maybe clean around too. It would be nice for Gerard to thank him again. Was it creepy to do things to get his attention? Frank hoped it wasn’t. He just wanted to keep Gerard happy. Was that such a crime? It was just a crush. Nothing that would mean much in a matter of months. Or at least he hoped so.

“Morning”

Gerard said entering the kitchen. Frank was already there, drinking a cup of coffee and checking his cellphone. 

“Morning”

Frank repeated, putting down his phone and looking at him instead. Gerard looked good again, which Frank realized was going to be a problem. 

He stared at Gerard’s face for longer than he should have. Analyzing all of his features carefully. He had some feminine traits, for sure. Maybe he could delude himself into thinking that made it less strange. There was a better word for it, a three-letter word, actually. But Frank always tried to avoid it. Even in his head. It was scary for him. It felt unmanly. It brought him too much anxiety. His stomach would drop every time he heard it out loud. Maybe that only made him stranger.

If Gerard looked like a girl, that meant liking him wasn’t so weird. That’s how Frank saw it. For a moment, Frank imagined what Gerard would look like with makeup on. Perhaps some lipstick. How his lips would look so soft. How some liner would make his eyes look even bigger. And if he were to dress a little bit differently. Oh, if he were to wear a skirt. Frank wondered how his body would look. Probably even better than it already did. He had seen his torso, but he hadn’t seen his legs yet. Frank wondered what they were like. Firm? Soft? Thicker? Perhaps it was too early to think about that. His mind then went back to his eyes instead. How his hazel eyes were so bright. How his lashes were so long and seemed to hold a curl. Just like a girl. So maybe he wasn’t so sick after all.

“Is there something on my face?”

“Uh?” Frank felt like he had been caught. “No, no, man. It’s nothing. Just kinda spaced out”

“Did you watch the game yesterday?”

“No, I got busy with unpacking.”

Frank wasn’t even sure which game he was referring to. He didn’t know a thing about sports. Didn’t want to learn either. But telling Gerard seemed pointless. He was simply trying to make small talk, he understood that. Gerard wouldn’t care anyway. Frank didn’t even know what a touchdown was. And that was between him and God. 

“Saw it at the bar last night,” Gerard starts, “You should come with me sometime.”

Frank pictured it for a second. Alcohol. And his newest crush. It sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. 

“Sounds good.” 

“My little brother and I. We used to watch them together before. Those were good times.”

“Why did you stop?”

“He came out of the closet,” Gerard says, “We don’t talk to him anymore.”

Frank’s entire heart shattered. He didn’t expect him and Gerard to be anything. But this was something much worse. What he had just said ruined his image of him. To a point where he was almost regretting signing those damn papers. Even if he wasn’t out himself, this was a lot. Frank was frozen for a few moments. Too afraid to say anything. Scared that it would only trigger some argument, they would end up regretting.

This was the man he was going to be spending the next few months with. And that was a scary feeling. Frank wasn’t sure if he felt safe anymore. But he was also too scared to speak up. He didn’t want to sound suspicious. Or strange. So instead, he sat there, looking at him in complete shock. These were going to be difficult months. 

This was worse than his previous fears about his new roommate. He expected them to be disorganized, lazy or simply annoying. Not this, though. That was breaking multiple lines. What Gerard was implying was something messed up. And he was saying it as if it were nothing. Just a casual chat among friends. This was everything but that. Frank wasn’t sure he wanted to even speak to him again after this.

“That really sucks.”

Was all Frank said. Gerard nodded. Frank had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

***

That night, Frank went to his favorite pornographic website. He spent page after page looking for it. For a man who resembled him in the slightest. It took him multiple searches and going through different videos. Till he finally found one he felt satisfied enough with. It was an amateur video with a man in his early 20s. He was chubby and had long dark hair - just like him. He was obviously not as attractive to him as the real Gerard was, but it would get the job done.

He played the beginning of the video, but then started skipping through different parts of it. He ended up in a section where the man was naked and on his knees. Pleasuring another man of his similar age. Frank dropped his jeans down to his waist. He started stroking himself while watching the video. He would imagine the man looked exactly like Gerard. That his eyes were just as big. Just as beautiful. He imagined it was Gerard who was taking him. Eagerly sucking his cock. Gerard, the last man on earth he could ever have. Below him, sliding his tongue down his length. 

He started getting so close. He remembered Gerard in that towel again. He thought about his chest. How soft it looked. How much he wished he could feel it. How badly he wished he could strip that stupid white towel from him. His mind then went back to the video. To the idea that some way, somehow, there was a universe where he could have Gerard. One where he was on his knees tasting him. He started moving his hips against his own hand. He bit his lips and prepared for it. Finally feeling his orgasm as he watched his screen. Having his climax as he pictured him for one final moment. Gerard. Gerard. Fucking Gerard.

The second it was over he started feeling instant regret. He really was sick in the head. This was so much worse than he could have expected. 

Chapter Text

Gerard wears the tiniest shorts Frank has seen in his life. It’s very distracting. Apparently, he came back from running. And he is sweaty enough to prove it. Frank can’t stop staring at him. The second Gerard seems distracted, he looks him up and down quickly. Trying to remember it. The sweat dripped from his forehead. His wet hair. The way those shorts seem to cover barely at all. It seems as if Gerard was almost doing it on purpose.

Frank thinks about Gerard in a skirt again. He would look amazing. Before, Frank wasn’t sure what he was working with. But now he can confirm Gerard would wear the fuck out of it. He pictures those long legs wearing tights. God, that would end him. If he were to ever see it he would die on the spot. Obviously, it would never happen. But Frank couldn’t stop thinking about it. He knew it wasn’t realistic, but it didn’t matter, it was a happy thought for him. 

Stupid Gerard in his stupid tiny shorts. Making him lose his mind even more than he already had. Frank tries to look away. He doesn’t want to seem strange again. That could ruin everything about their agreement. Would Gerard kick him out? Would he just kick his ass? Either thing sounded pretty bad.

“What’s up?”

The man says with a smile.

“Hey there”

Frank tells him, immediately smiling back. 

“Do you think you could clean this place? I want to throw a party tonight.”

Gerard tells him, as if the favor was on him. 

He stops to think about it for a second. Party. Gerard did warn him. But he didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Plus, he also hadn’t mentioned he would be a part-time maid here. That seemed a bit unfair. But Frank’s people-pleasing nature would always get the best of him. Cause even with this, he still wanted to help Gerard out. As if it were his duty to do so. It seemed the least he could do after jerking off to him multiple times in a row. 

“Oh,” Frank starts, surprised, “Sure, I guess. Is it okay if I do it later? I’m seeing friends”

This was supposed to be Frank's day off. He would very much prefer to spend it doing anything else than cleaning. But he understood there was little to do about that. He wanted to help Gerard above all. So what if he left his friends a little early? What if he spent his afternoon cleaning around? Anything for tiny shorts Gerard seemed worthy enough. It would keep things in the apartment happy, too. 

“No problem, I can wait!”

“Thanks…”

Frank says, still unsure if he’s doing the right thing. 

***

They reunited at a local cafe. It was far away and a little more expensive than Frank would have liked it to be. He was now spending most of his money on rent. So spending more on overpriced coffee seemed a bit of a bad investment. This was his friend's favorite spot to hang out, though. So he was trying to keep it cool about it. Even if on the inside, he couldn’t believe he had paid extra for some whipped cream on his drink. That was just messed up.

Frank tried to ask for the cheapest order he could. Unlike his friends, he was struggling with rent badly already. One bill had come in the way of the other and suddenly his "fun money" had ended. Now all he had was the "emergency money" and the "please never spend me money". He used both of them on that damned overpriced coffee. It didn't feel great.

“How’s your new place?”

Ray asks him. 

Bad. Really bad. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Gerard for a single second. The bills were piling up. Short shorts Gerard taunting him. Having to clean up the place while Gerard did not. Sure, he was glad to be away from his parents. But that didn’t seem like enough. This place was not as perfect as he had previously thought it would be. It was quickly becoming stressful, and it was not a nice feeling. 

“It’s good, it's good.”

Frank says.

“What’s your roommate like?”

Ray asked him. 

“He is… Well, I don’t see him all that much. He’s out a lot.”

Apparently, Gerard worked at an office in New York. Frank wasn’t sure what he did exactly. He only knew because he had mentioned it in passing. And because he left very early in the morning to get there in time. It could be anything. It didn’t matter much to Frank either. It wasn’t like it affected him much, as long as he kept his side of the rent paid, it was enough. It wasn’t like they were dating.

“Do you like him?”

Ray later asked.

“Excuse me?”

“Is he a good roommate?”

He insisted.

“Oh yeah, sure. He’s fine.”

Frank clarifies. 

He had gotten scared for a moment. He didn’t want anyone to know about his crush. He wasn’t supposed to like men in his head. Let alone a man who lived with him. And who would never in a million years give him a chance. Frank didn’t consider himself the smartest, but he knew better than that. No one could know about his feelings. If it were possible, not even himself. It was all poison.

“What’s his name?”

Ray asked him.

“Gerard”

“Gerard, what?”

Pete immediately asks with a raised eyebrow. 

“Gerard Way?”

Frank explains, and Pete immediately starts getting tense. 

“I know that guy. He’s my boyfriend's brother.”

Pete says. 

Frank’s completely shocked. He knew Pete was gay and in a relationship. But he would have never guessed he was dating him. Of all the people in Jersey. Of course, one of his best friends had to be with Gerard’s brother. Frank couldn’t believe it. That only made his relationship with him ten times more complicated. It was almost becoming unfair. Could he ever get good news for once? He ventured not.

“What is he like?”

Ray asks.

“He’s the worst person of all time. Don't trust him, Frank.”

Pete tells him. So far, his only interactions with him had been terrible. He felt bad for Frank, having to live with a guy like this. It was probably a nightmare. He couldn't imagine the horrors he had seen so far. He imagined the worse. The ill-tempered, annoying, cocky older brother.

“He seems fine. Mostly just misguided maybe.”

Frank defends him.

He didn’t want to think about Gerard badly. At least not too much. This was the man he would be living with after all. And the man he had a gigantic crush on. Even if he didn’t agree with him in the slightest, he didn’t want to think about it too much. Running away from his problems was one of Frank’s biggest strengths. And in this situation, it seemed like the best thing he could do for himself. 

Gerard may not cook. Or clean. Or be a good guy in general. But he was also very hot and very stupid. Frank liked that about him. He didn’t know he did, prior to meeting him, but now he was very into it. Sure, they may not see eye to eye. Or talk more than a few sentences at a time. Or have a balanced relationship with the cleaning of their place. But Gerard couldn’t be that bad. Maybe he was thinking with his dick again, though. That seemed to be a frequent thing when it came to Gerard. 

Still, they didn't know how good Gerard looked in the mornings when he was all dressed up for work. They didn't know about short shorts Gerard. Or the Gerard with a towel on that has made multiple appearances already. Frank considered himself almost lucky. He got to see something so beautiful. Even if he simply couldn't have him. 

“I’m serious, Frank. You’re a good guy. Watch out for Gerard Way.”

***

Gerard’s party was larger than Frank could have anticipated. Their entire place was filled with strangers. Music was blasting. Everyone had red solo cups in their hands. Bottles of booze were everywhere. Frank found it very stressful. He could barely think from all the noise they were making. He tried putting his headphones on with no luck. All he could hear was the music outside and people's loud laughter. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. But him. He wanted it to end already.

His roommate had mentioned that he could drop by if he wanted to. That it wouldn’t be a problem at all. But Frank felt tired. And it was not his type of thing at all. He was a home buddy. And one that didn’t care for these types of things. Had Gerard not thrown this party, he would be reading or taking a nap. Those were the things he did on his days off. 

Eventually he got hungry though. Even though he absolutely does not want to come out of his room, he has to. He opens the door and sees people outside drinking and talking with each other. The music’s now sounding even louder. He gets in the way of the crowd, trying to get to the other room. People push him, but he manages to make it out fine. He walks towards their kitchen, looking around at the mess people are making. Discarded junk food, red solo cups, and things moved out of place. He already knows he’s the one who is going to end up cleaning that. Moving out wasn’t so fun now.

When he enters the kitchen, he sees it. Gerard’s there. He has a red solo cup in one arm and a girl in the other. A girl with dark hair and red lipstick. They are holding each other tightly. Laughing as if Gerard had told the best joke of all time. It makes Frank sick to his stomach. He shouldn’t feel jealous, Gerard and he aren’t anything. But it makes him so upset that he walks out. He will eat later, he thinks. Not now that he’s seen that. He starts rushing back towards his bedroom.

“Excuse me, excuse me”

He says as he continues walking among the sea of people inside the house. He needs to get to his room immediately. When he enters, he wants to scream. 

Instead, he starts crying into his pillow. How badly does he wish that were him. For Gerard to be holding his hips instead of hers. How is this fair? Moving out was supposed to be a new, happy beginning. Now all he thinks about is a man who does not care if he lives or dies. He feels so alone now. He almost misses his mom. Almost. At least she would listen as long as he told her it was about a girl. But now he feels like he has no one to tell any of this. Pete would hate to know about this crush. Ray would not understand it either. None of his friends even know he’s strange. They just assume he hasn’t met the right woman yet. They are dead wrong about it.

The tears won’t stop forming as he remembers how Gerard looked around her. Happy. Glowing. Why can’t that be him? Why can’t it ever be him?

***

“Hey man, sorry about the mess.”

Gerard says the next day. It’s already noon, and he looks hungover. Frank sits on their living room couch looking at him attentively. He already knows what this is about. Gerard only seems to talk to him when he needs a favor. It's a little hurtful, but he tries not to take it as such. Getting to talk to Gerard was still a good thing, even if it was only for this. The man was normally busy, out, or both. These morning conversations were as good as things got to him. 

“No problem”

“Could you help me with this?”

Gerard asks him, already assuming he will get a yes. This Frank guy seems easy.

“Sure”

Frank says, and starts smiling. On the inside, he can’t believe he’s being played this badly. Gerard’s clearly using him. And he’s still letting him. They are both grown adults. He should be able to clean his stuff just fine. Yet Frank is the one who’s had to clean that bathroom at least four times now. Gerard’s also not the greatest with food. He leaves his plates with leftovers around the kitchen. Keep empty bottles in the fridge. Sometimes he will smoke inside the apartment. Frank has barely spent a few days with him and has already caught on to his many bad habits. 

Still. Doesn’t make him any less attracted to him. Even now, wearing sweatpants and a loose band t-shirt. Frank thinks he’s the hottest man alive. There’s something so alluring about everything Gerard does. Even when he’s not trying, he’s just so magnetic. Frank can’t stop looking at him, wanting his attention, his approval. No wonder he has a girlfriend, Frank thinks. Of course, he would. He’s cute, smart, charismatic, he -

“You good?”

Gerard says, after Frank has been looking at him for longer than he should have.

“Y-yeah, man. Just thinking of stuff” 

“I get you. My girlfriend keeps me stressed too,” He says, before sighing, “What’s your girlfriend like?”

Frank chokes on his own saliva. He starts coughing at first, only making things more awkward for him. Still, Gerard’s waiting for a response. Frank tries to think of something to say. Something that isn’t strange as hell. It’s becoming difficult, too. It feels like he’s being tested. And that he can fail easily. 

“Oh…” Frank doesn’t know what to say, he feels like he’s been caught. “I just went through a breakup.”

“Really? Was it bad?”

“Terrible.” Frank lies and starts talking about Gerard instead, “I liked them so much. They were kinda all I could think about.”

“That sucks. I’m sure you will meet someone new soon. You’re a handsome guy.”

Frank gulps. Handsome guy. Was that flirting? Obviously not, but he could pretend it was and die happy. Gerard thought he was good-looking. Even if he didn’t like men himself, that was one hell of a compliment coming from him. Frank could barely process it. He was starting to get nervous, his breath becoming a little erratic. He would have never expected Gerard to think about him for more than a second. Let alone for it to be good things. He felt as if Gerard was simply too cool for him. The partying, the nice apartment he owned, and his good looks. It made Frank feel so inadequate. He could barely afford rent. Gerard made everything seem so easy.

Frank felt like a loser in comparison. He barely made it out of his parents' place. He was just barely making ends meet with all the bills he had to pay now. He didn't feel like a "handsome guy" the way Gerard described him at all. Even if he knew girls have had crushes on him before, it meant little to him. That was not what he was looking for. But Gerard saying it? It was the best feeling in the entire world.

 “Thanks, man…”

“Not in a weird way, of course”.

Gerard clarifies. Weird. Yeah. Let’s say weird, Frank thinks. 

***

Frank spent that entire afternoon cleaning. He took care of all the trash. He swept the floors. He even cleaned the bathroom again. That’s how much he liked that man. It was embarrassing, even for himself. But he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to feel useful for him. Maybe that way, he could keep complimenting him. Maybe that way, he could keep him happy. He would be glad with either of them. Preferably both.

Eventually, he had taken care of most of the apartment. The only missing room was Gerard’s. The man was out working at the time. Frank didn’t have to leave till way later, his bartender shift started at night. Gerard would be gone for at least a few hours. Frank wondered if he should come in. Surely Gerard would understand if he was trying to clean around, right? It wasn’t like he was snooping. Although he really wanted to, of course.

It didn’t take him a lot of time before giving up. Gerard had gone into his room without permission before. So what if he did the same? Wouldn’t that make things more fair? He thought so. And opened the door anyway. 

Gerard’s room was filled with posters of old movies and rock bands. He had multiple gaming consoles. And a gaming computer on his desk. It was dorky. Dorkier than he would have imagined. There were also tons of art supplies around. An abandoned watercolor set near his bed, lots of special markers around his desk, discarded notebooks with sketches (One in his bed, one on the floor). The place was filthy. But it was also so Gerard. Frank liked it instantly. It was even better than he could have imagined. 

There were also discarded clothes everywhere. T-shirts, jeans, underwear. Some on his bed, some on his chair, some on the floor. Frank could barely walk inside with how many things were thrown around. It was a fucking mess. But so Gerard. Frank started walking towards his bed. Under it he saw a pair of recently worn boxer briefs. He knew it was wrong. He knew it would be messed up. He knew Gerard would never forgive him. But he took them and brought them towards his face. Smelling Gerard’s scent and imagining he was next to him. If only things could be different. He needed to leave quickly. He also needed to take them to his bedroom. 

***

At night, Frank could hear noises coming from Gerard’s room. Familiar type of noises. The ones a man only does at night. He bit his lip. Their rooms were right next to each other. There was little privacy for either of them. This was hellish.  

Frank took the underwear he had stolen from Gerard’s room. He sat on the floor, right next to his bedroom door. To be as close as he could be to Gerard’s room. He put down his pajama pants, exposing his half-hard erection. He grabbed the underwear with one hand and put it next to his face. He used the other to grab his own cock. Gerard was moaning quietly. But it was loud enough for him to hear it.

Frank started touching himself, trying to imagine what Gerard looked like at that very moment. How needy he sounded. How delicious his moans were. It was intoxicating. He needed him badly. It was messing with him mentally. Right now, though, all he can focus on is the sounds coming from the other room. The slapping. The cries. It’s so good. He’s rock hard as he buries himself in Gerard’s boxers. This feels so good it’s criminal.

“Oh god…”

He says quietly. He’s stroking himself as fast as he can. Trying to reach his climax quickly, and for this to be over. He’s not sure if he can take more of this. Getting off to Gerard is slowly killing him. Every time it ends, he feels like a loser.

“Hmmmm”

Frank hears Gerard groaning from his bedroom, this time way louder than he would have expected him to. 

Frank realized. If he could hear Gerard from his room, Gerard could definitely hear him. That had to be bad. Right? He wasn’t sure if he should continue. But Gerard moaned louder now, as if he couldn’t help himself. Frank started leaking precome into his own hand. Desperate for more. This was becoming too much. Gerard cries out again, so loud it has to be on purpose. And Frank can’t keep denying himself.

Frank cries louder now, biting his lip and feeling himself so close. This feels so good. And the idea that Gerard is touching himself to it is enough to almost come on the spot. He wants to savor it, though. For as long as he can. He breathes hard as he touches himself, moaning again, this time so loud it has to be obvious, even from the other room.

“Fuck” He hears Gerard say, the sounds of the other room are becoming more erratic, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

It makes Frank whimper, almost as if he were in pain. He was so close. He keeps pumping himself as fast as he can, still holding Gerard’s boxer briefs with his other hand. This is so messed up, he knows this. But he cannot stop. It just feels too good. There is no time to think about it at all. He cries out louder now, unable to help himself. 

“Gerard,” He says as he is about to climax, “Oh god, Gerard. Fuck me. Fuck me!”

He starts pushing against his own hand, desperate for more friction. The sounds from the other room are becoming faster and faster. Frank knows he’s so close. He strokes himself rough and messily. But it’s more than enough with just what he can hear from the other room. Gerard’s moans are loud and get to him.

“Ahhh, I’m gonna”

The man says from the other room, he’s so close too. It’s almost over.

“Gerard”

He repeats once more as he comes all over himself. He can’t help it. He drops his head against the door. Taking a moment to catch his own breath. It felt so good, he’s shaking. He needs a moment to compose himself. Maybe a whole day. 

The sounds from the other room abruptly stop. Frank knows what that means. He gets up from the ground. First hides the underwear again. Then he goes straight to bed. This was so bad. The next day was going to be so awkward. This had to be psychological torture of some kind. Gerard was destroying him.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Gerard was nowhere to be found at first. Frank preferred it that way. He drank his coffee in silence. But after a few minutes, the man came out of his room. Fully ready to leave for work. Normally, he would at least have breakfast. Not today. He was too afraid to eat next to Frank. As if something else was going to happen between the two of them. Something he could regret. 

When he’s out, he sees Frank and his cup of coffee. He looks relaxed. Usually, when he sees Frank, he looks nervous or anxious. It feels odd to see him in such a good mood. Almost feels wrong. He gets closer just to say hello, with no plans on sticking around for more than a few minutes. 

“Hey there…”

He says, struggling to look him in the eyes.

“Morning!” Frank replies with a smile on his face. “Fun last night, eh?”

He says. 

He imagines the dynamics with Gerard will now change. After what had happened the day before, things couldn’t possibly stay the same. It was scary. But he was almost excited for it. Maybe this could be -

“Don’t make it weird, man”.

Gerard replies angrily, then starts heading towards the door. 

** 

“I think I’m gay.”

He says, then takes another drag out of his cigarette. His hand is shaking, but he manages to do so. 

Pete’s frozen. Completely taken aback by the whole thing. He had some suspicions before, but never expected Frank to actually say something. He avoided the subject like the plague. Got visibly nervous whenever Pete talked about his experiences with other men. And had been single for as long as Pete had known him. But to actually come out? Ever? That was unexpected. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” Frank says, “Please.”

Of course. Pete gives him a small smile, mostly out of pity. He’s been out most of his youth, but he feels for him. This is clearly a subject Frank struggles with. And he’s trying his best to be understanding of it. This may not be the right place, time, or person to tell. But he’s going to do his best. Frank’s a nice guy. Albeit a little naive, and clearly confused. 

They’ve been friends for years now. They tell each other most things. This is the only real secret that Frank has kept from him. And it’s a big one. Pete sighs before taking a drag of his own cigarette. They are in the smoking area outside of Frank’s job. Sometimes Pete visits. He likes meeting people at the bar and meeting up with Frank during his breaks. They’ve become very close in the past few months. 

Frank may have been friends with Ray longer, but Ray is straight. Ray could judge. Even if Frank knew he probably wouldn’t. Still, he didn’t want him to know. He didn’t want to be seen differently. Let alone by his friends. But he did feel safe telling Pete about it. He was out. He was always supportive. Always had something to say, even if it was just some dumb joke at his expense. It was exactly the type of thing Frank needed sometimes.

“I won't,” Pete says. He takes a long pause before asking “Did you meet someone…?”

“I did…”

Frank tells him.

“Do I know him?”

Pete asks. He’s a little scared to know the answer.

“Yeah…” Frank goes, “But you’re not friends with him.”

“Oh”

His mind starts to go through possible people who could be him.

“You don‘t like him at all.”

Frank insists and hopes he will drop the subject. 

Coming out was already difficult as it was. Pete finding out about his feelings for Gerard would only make things worse for him. If it was his choice, not even his own damn self would know. It was obvious that Gerard was nothing but trouble. Only a self-hating man could be into his antics. Sadly, Frank was. Deeply. To a point, it was almost embarrassing. 

“Well, you have to tell me now!”

His friend says.

“N-No I can’t. It’s bad. It’s really bad, Pete.”

“How bad?”

The man tries, raising an eyebrow. He wants to know who it is already.

“I don’t think you’d want to be friends with me.”

Frank says.

He can’t lose any of his friends right now either. He feels vulnerable and lost. That’s why he couldn’t tell Ray, any risk of changing the relationship would be dangerous. He needed his friends now more than ever! Being strange and closeted about it is killing him. He feels as if he’s living a lie that’s gotten too big to stop. And Gerard only makes it so much worse. It’s almost as if he was teasing him. Gerard was making everything so difficult.  

“God damn,” Pete goes, “Well, now I have to know.”

“He’s not gay, Pete. Or bi”

Frank tells him.

“Ah, I get you now. That sucks, man. It happens to the best of us.”

“I’m not the best of anything…"

“You’re an awesome guy. You just haven’t met the right man”

Pete says, trying to be comforting. 

“But I wish it was him”

Frank replies and feels even more ashamed of himself. 

*** 

The moment he sees Gerard, he knows he has to say something. He cannot let things stay like this. It’s only becoming more and more awkward. If he doesn’t start reacting, he’s gonna regret it later, he’s sure of it. Gerard can be intimidating, sure. But he knows staying silent will be worse for them. The apartment is already getting uncomfortable as it is. One of them needs to do something about it. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to bother you the other day.”

Frank says. Gerard stops on the spot, as if he had been caught doing something wrong. He hesitates before saying something. 

“You’re good, Frank. You’re good.”

Is all he says, then provides a smile. Frank tries to smile back, but barely can. 

“Hope it wasn’t weird.”

Frank continues, making emphasis on the last word.

“It’s alright, buddy. We are still friends.”

Friends. Good. The word feels like a knife. Frank doesn’t know how to feel about it. Realistically, this was all they could be. At best. But he can’t help but feel a little disheartened by the whole thing. Actually hearing Gerard say those words feels devastating to him. They really are nothing. Roommates, at most. Nothing else.  

“Nice…”

“If the noises ever bother you, you can come in my room, you know.”

Frank’s not sure if he understood what he said right, but he starts nodding anyway. He clearly must be taking things the wrong way. Not that Gerard is making them any less confusing. As if he wasn’t already lost enough as it is. 

“Oh…” Frank goes, “Thank you…”

“We could figure something out.”

Gerard tells him. 

“A-about the noise?”

Frank tries saying, feeling more and more nervous around him. 

“Yeah, the noise, sure.”

Gerard grins, and it makes Frank feel like he’s going to faint. 

He can’t tell if Gerard is flirting with him or not. And it’s killing him. The hottest man he can think of is grinning at him. In a cocky way, that only makes it more enticing for him. This should be alluring, but Frank can’t help but feel a little scared. If this was really happening, it meant there was something actually happening between them. 

And if something was really happening, that would mean they are doing strange stuff they shouldn’t be doing. It’s all wrong in Frank’s head. It’s dangerous too. If Gerard cut out his own family member over this. What could he do to him? Would he kick him out? He was the one who started talking about it! 

“I - I don’t mind it”

The man says.

“Are you into it?”

Gerard pushes, getting a little closer. 

“Y-yeah”

Frank responds, struggling to look into his eyes. His entire face goes red. He feels so ashamed for liking it. Gerard smiles again. He could really get used to this, he realizes. 

“I could tell,” Gerard says, “Just don’t make this fucking weird. Alright?”

“Right, right…”

Frank repeats.

“We are just men. It’s not a big deal. Things happen. Okay?”

He gives Frank a pat on his shoulder. Frank’s taken back, almost scared of his touch. As if Gerard was going to break him in half. This only seems to be getting weirder and weirder for him. Frank feels like he can’t breathe for a moment, too scared to even react. 

“They do…”

“You’re not gay. Are you?”

The man goes. 

Are you? Frank didn’t know what to say. If he was honest with him, he was risking his friendship with Gerard. If he lied, he was a coward. What could be worse? It was time to actually accept his feelings. Gerard was giving him a chance to free himself. But Frank simply couldn’t take it. He was not ready.

“N-no” Frank goes, then nervously adds, “I’ve never been with a man.”

“That’s not what I asked…” He says, looking a little taken aback by Frank’s comment, “Look, I’m not gay either. This is just something among friends. Friends help each other out.”

Those words again. Friends. Nothing else. Even that was already pushing it. It made Frank's chest ache with pain. This was not what he wanted to have with Gerard. This was torturous, and he knew it wasn’t going to end well for him. 

“Yeah, it’s not gay at all. We are roommates. It’s just noise.”

Frank says, trying to agree with the other man. 

“See, now you get it.”

***

The three of them are at that cafe again. The one that Frank hates, but can’t stop going to. Their drinks are fucking good. Even if he never wants to admit it to himself. He knows the whipped cream costs extra, yet asks for it again. Then complains to his friends. The topic of conversation quickly goes to Gerard, though. It’s all Frank can think about.

They told Ray enough about the situation. Just a crush on a girl at work. Nothing that could be suspicious. Frank was still not ready to tell him. Let alone people like his family, or the world in general. For now, it was still a secret, even if Pete knew some about it. Ray found it odd, though. Frank had never mentioned women he liked before. It seemed so unlike him. But he didn’t want to push it further. Frank did. 

“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

Frank tells his friends. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Frank. We’ve all been there.”

Ray responds, not taking him seriously. 

“I really don’t think you have.”

Frank insists. 

”This girl cannot be that hot, Frank. Stand up for yourself!”

Ray tries again, and Frank actually looks up. If only things were that easy, he thinks. If only he knew the things I do. No girl could be that hot, sure. But Gerard was not any girl. He was prettier than anyone he had ever met. 

”It’s not about them being hot. This is just his first time like this, let him be.”

Pete intervenes.

”But for the record, they are”

Frank says. 

***

It happened again. Frank could listen to Gerard pleasuring himself from the other room. He was so much louder than before. Almost as if he wanted the attention. Almost as if he wanted Frank to join. Frank was half hard, but decided not to do anything. Last time he felt so much shame afterwards. Especially with the way Gerard had acted the very next day. This time, he wanted to be wiser. He stayed in bed, trying his hardest to fall asleep.

But Gerard’s moan kept getting louder and louder. It sounded filthy. But no matter how much Frank wanted to touch himself, he told himself he needed to stay strong. The noises continued and only seemed to be getting more desperate. 

Frank remembers Gerard’s words. He said they could figure out something. And Frank really wanted to. He stays in bed for a few more moments, asking himself if it could be worth it. Risk whatever friendship he has with this man. And be something else. Not exactly the thing he wants to be, but somewhere closer in a way. They can’t ever be lovers. But they can be whatever the hell Gerard wants from him. He gets up from the bed and starts walking towards Gerard’s room. Before opening the door, he stands there for a second. Wondering if he was doing the right thing. It doesn’t matter, he realizes, and opens the door anyway.

He can see Gerard on his bed, touching himself. He walks towards him slowly, taking a good look at it. Wanting to remember it. How his hand is going up and down his length messily. Frank’s still in utter shock. But doesn’t want to ruin this. As he gets closer to his bed, Frank’s already fully hard. He can finally see it. Gerard’s beautiful face as he touches himself. His cock is going in and out of view with his hand.

Frank can’t believe this is happening. It almost feels like a dream. He looks Gerard up and down shamelessly. Taking in as much of this as he can. He wants to remember his body for the rest of his life. His pale skin. His beautiful physique. The way he was so desperately stroking himself. His delicate mouth was wide open, wanting more. His eyes half closed, as if he couldn’t even help it.

“Can you blow me?”

Gerard asks as he pumps his cock. Frank feels like he’s going to faint. He would have never expected this to happen to him. This is something out of his more twisted fantasies. Gerard was supposed to be straight. He was supposed to find him disgusting. How could he want someone like him? Frank couldn’t believe it. 

Frank starts nodding his head nervously. Fuck his dignity. He wants to do this anyway. Gerard seems pleased. The man gets on his knees in front of him, feeling the old carpet against them. He looks up at Gerard again, at how he’s feeling himself so intensely. He bites his lip and looks at him attentively. Gerard smiles. Frank’s too easy, he thinks.  

“I’ve never done this…”

Frank says. He wants to believe he can do it, but he’s anxious. 

“You don’t want to?”

Gerard says, suddenly regretting it.

“No, no. I’ll do it, I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Y-yeah, I wanna make it good”

The man quietly tells him. Gerard grins. Frank reaches closer towards him. Hoping that this isn't as hard as it seems. This is his one chance to please Gerard, and he doesn’t want to ruin it. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself.

He licks the sides of Gerard’s cock slowly, getting a good taste of him. Gerard starts groaning quietly. Frank starts kissing the tip of his cock, bracing himself. It makes Gerard cry out even harder. He grabs onto Frank’s hair, keeping him in place. Frank starts licking the slit of his cock, his tongue dances against it. Finally, he finally takes him into his mouth. He bobs his head up and down, trying to take as much of it as he can inside him. He’s doing his best to get used to the feeling. Gerard feels like he’s in ecstasy, and groans way too loudly for his own good. 

“Fuck, fuck…”

Gerard says to himself.

Frank’s so hard it’s painful, but he understands he needs to focus on Gerard. He takes more of him into his mouth as Gerard moans out loud. Gerard’s hand guides him through it, making him take him in a way he likes. Slowly building a rhythm as Frank’s jaw starts to ache. Gerard feels himself getting so close. Frank is fucking pretty. He would never admit to this under any other circumstance. But he has to be the hottest man he has ever seen. As he pulls his face closer and closer towards his cock, it’s all he can think about. 

“Fuck, that feels…”

Gerard’s fingers travel through Frank’s hair. Moving him towards his length as much as he can. He can’t believe how good this feels. They both know this is wrong, but neither of them can stop. Frank takes as much of him as he can. And strokes what he can’t reach with his hand. He feels like he’s going to choke at times, but seeing Gerard’s face is enough for him. It’s all worth it. This is all he will think about for weeks.  

“That’s so good… So good”

Frank looks at him from the ground. His hazel eyes were wide open, filled with lust. It makes Gerard feel even closer, dripping in precome. He pushes Frank’s head deeper into his cock. It makes the younger man almost gag. But Frank feels like he needs to make it good for him. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Gerard. He takes a moment to compose himself, then goes back to his cock. Tasting even more of him as Gerard pushes his hips softly towards him. Frank feels like he needs to touch himself immediately. But he still wants to focus on Gerard. 

“Can I come in your face?”

Gerard asks. Frank pulls away for a second, covered in spit and precome.

“Y-yeah”

He says, and before he can even think, Gerard’s already pushing him back towards his cock. He moves Frank's head messily, trying to make him take even more of him. To the point that he’s almost hitting the back of his throat. Frank’s so turned out that he can’t even think. The uncomfortable feeling means nothing to him. All he can think about is Gerard. Making Gerard moan louder, move his hips, and come all over him. That’s all he wants. 

“Oh god…”

Gerard says as he pulls Frank away from him. He is so close.

Gerard starts stroking himself in front of Frank’s face. Wanting to see him through this. Taking in how used up he looks. His messy hair, the way he’s sweating and panting. It makes it even better for him. Frank opens his mouth wide, getting ready for what’s next. He can’t wait to see Gerard’s face when he feels his orgasm. Gerard strokes himself a few more times before finally coming all over him. Most of it gets on Frank’s mouth, lips and chin. Frank spits him out quickly, struggling with the bitter taste. 

The man starts breathing erratically. He rides out his orgasm, touching himself to Frank’s face. Loving how he looks covered in come. Frank feels like he can’t take any more of this torture. He lowers his pajama pants and starts touching himself. Stroking himself as he sees Gerard on top of him. 

Gerard’s demeanor quickly changes, though. Now that he has reached his orgasm, he looks serious and almost concerned. They both looked at each other in silence for a few moments. Unsure of what they should say. Gerard can’t believe what he has just done. 

“We are never talking about this again. Ever,” Gerard whispers, “This never happened, Frank.”

Chapter Text

As if nothing had happened. As if he didn’t even exist. Not a single word from Gerard. He went to work as early as he could. Got home as late as possible. Not a single interaction with Frank. As if he were tainted. Frank couldn’t stop asking himself what he had done wrong. He only did what Gerard wanted him to. What he thought both of them wanted him to do. So why was he being punished for it?

Had he not been good enough? He had done as good as he could. It looked like Gerard was enjoying it too. So why do this? It felt so unfair. 

Day two after and Gerard is still nowhere to be found. Goes to work early, leaves late. Not a single word, not a single text. As if they did not know each other. It’s breaking Frank. He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t force him into anything, but he wishes he could. At least a few words. Some acknowledgement that the night did happen after all. It didn’t seem hard. Gerard wanted to keep it a secret, but that didn’t mean they should stop talking completely.

Day three. Nothing. No Gerard around at all. It was as if he didn’t want to see him ever again. Frank could not understand why he had to be so hurtful. His words were damaging enough. He didn’t need to do more for him. It was too much. Frank barely had time for himself in between all the crying and sleeping. Everything was about Gerard. The good, the bad, the in-between. It was mostly bad at the moment, though. His own life barely revolved around his own well-being. 

Fourth day, work had been awful. Going home didn’t sound all that much better, but Frank couldn’t wait. He was tired and desperately needed the day to end. He fantasized about it during the ride home. To just get to the apartment, get blackout drunk, and stop thinking about Gerard. Even if it was only during the effects of the alcohol. To stop thinking about him at all would be amazing. The taste of vodka was more comforting than anyone else’s company. He was desperate to get to the apartment as soon as possible.

“Hey”

Gerard says, then immediately locks himself in his room. Nothing else. As if they didn’t even know each other. Roommates, and just barely. The type of them who don’t do much other than say hi. Frank recalled Gerard’s comments about friends helping each other out. This was absolutely not something a friend would do. 

In his room, Frank started sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn’t believe Gerard would be so cold. To let him have him momentarily, then go back to this. It was so much worse than to not have him at all. The man sniffled and whimpered. He felt so heartbroken. So disappointed in himself for even thinking things could be different. More than anything, so betrayed. He blamed himself for expecting anything else. But still hated Gerard for acting like this. As if he were nothing. 

The tears won’t stop dropping as he thinks about it all again. Gerard’s words. This never happened. What a cruel thing to say. All he wanted was some validation. A small proof that he could be wanted. And the closest he had gotten to it was taken away. Now all he had was shame. And memories that didn’t serve him. After a restless hour or two, he managed to fall asleep. 

***

He uses his day off to meet up with Ray. He feels comfortable enough to come clean about things. He’s one of his best friends, and it feels wrong to keep hiding from him. Instead, he has decided to finally talk. If he doesn’t, he’s sure he’s gonna drive himself crazy, too. Things are not getting any better with Gerard. In fact, he feels more miserable each day that keeps passing by. He feels stupid for what he did. It was not worth it for him at all. 

They meet up in Ray’s apartment. Frank doesn’t want to take him to his, as if he were scared someone could hear them. His apartment doesn’t feel like his home yet. It’s just the place where he eats and sleeps, and sometimes sees him. They don’t talk anymore, just say hi and nod to each other at most. He really needs to vent to someone about this.

But this is not how he would have wanted Ray to know about it. Still, it feels like he has no other choice. Gerard being so cold towards him, he just needs someone to vent to. Badly. Anyone who can be a little understanding. Anyone who can at least go “Yeah, that sucks”. Maybe even “Bummer”.

“Ray. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“What is it?”

Ray asks, he knows there’s something wrong. Just has no idea how bad. Frank has been looking miserable lately. Tired, moody, sick. Getting together is not as fun anymore. It’s almost starting to feel like a chore. Looking after your sad friend, who always seems to be going through it. He wants to be nice about it, but also would like to know what the hell is going on.

“It’s Gerard. There is no girl. It’s Gerard”.

Frank tells him.

This is it. He finally admits it. It’s painful, but necessary. Hiding from what's happening is not doing him any good. Plus, hiding would be like what Gerard is doing, so he wants to avoid it too. Even if it’s hard for Ray to understand, he hopes he will at least be supportive in some way. He has always been. And Pete is still not ready to know it’s Gerard yet. That’s going to be the hardest conversation, he thinks. Maybe after his parents, though. They will not be happy about not having any grandkids in this lifetime. 

Still, there is no girl, and there never will be. He has never felt attracted to a woman in his life. He’s had plenty of good female friends, sure. But never ones he would consider anything else. The idea of having sex with a woman seems so undesirable. The idea of having sex with Gerard, though, seems - 

“Oh…”

Ray says.

“I know, it’s so bad.”

Frank continues and hides his face in his hands. He wishes this were not happening. He wishes what happened with Gerard was some dream he had. Admitting to this is so shameful, it was not worth it at all. 

How easy would it have been to look for anyone else? He worked at a bar. There were plenty of people there. There were sites for people to meet up. Apps even. Pete had plenty of friends whom he could introduce him to. But no, he had to choose the most painful option he could have. The one where rejection would destroy him, and he knew it the entire time. He couldn’t believe his first time experimenting had been with a straight man. It was the dumbest decision he could possibly have made. And he couldn’t even blame alcohol for it. He was very sober and very willing at the time.

“Did something happen?”

Ray tries, a little scared to know the answer. It sounds like something did.

“Y-yeah, we did some stuff… But then he stopped acknowledging me. Like, he won’t talk to me at all. It’s so awful.”

Frank tells him, and wants to break down into tears again. It’s so difficult to live with it, but to say it out loud is worse. It makes him feel like a complete loser. To get played so easily by someone anyone else wouldn’t have trusted. Completely ruining the atmosphere of the apartment over nothing. A hookup that didn’t even mean anything. A stupid mistake that he could not escape now that he wanted to. 

“So he was leading you on?”

Ray asks.

“Maybe…”

“He’s an asshole, Frank,” Ray said. “Forget about him. He sucks”

He can’t help but feel bad for his friend. Never attached to anyone. And the closest he had to meeting someone was this. It would break anyone apart. 

“I know, the whole thing is so stupid. I don't know why I would catch feelings for someone like him. I’m a fucking idiot.”

Frank tells him, suddenly feeling like he needs a drink. A cigarette. Maybe both at the same time. That would be nice. He wasn’t much of a drinker before, but ever since meeting Gerard, that had changed. Alcohol gave him a little buzz, made him stop worrying, and hangovers were temporary. He wondered if Gerard even noticed it. Probably too busy in his own little world to know his roommate was drinking every other day. If he knew, would he even care? Frank doubted it. 

“Don‘t say it like that! He led you on”

“He didn’t, I just assumed things!”

Frank insists, feeling like he’s attacking Gerard. He may not be the happiest with him right now, but he doesn’t want that either. He still likes him too much. It’s almost dangerous. He doesn’t want Ray to hate him completely. If he does, he’s going to suggest moving out, and it’s simply not an option. He doesn’t have the money, the time, and really doesn’t want to. His life may be falling apart, but god damn did he get a good deal on that apartment downtown. 

“He absolutely did. What he did was messed up.”

Ray says, shaking his head.

“He’s just confused. I don’t think he knows what he wants!”

Frank explains.

Gerard said he was handsome. Gerard wanted to figure something out. Gerard wanted something out of him. Wouldn’t it be fair to assume there was something more going on? Frank would tell himself. Maybe he was in a similar spot. Maybe he just wanted a blowjob. Either way, he didn’t want to judge him too much. He knew that if Gerard were to talk to him, he would bend to his will again. And if he was honest, he still had a little hope it would happen. Not that he would admit it to anyone. But a small part of him still believed in Gerard. The part of him that he tried to drown out in alcohol every other day. 

“And is that your fault? Why take it out on you?”

“It is all my fault! I’m the one who thought it could be something else.”

Frank says, feeling even more ashamed of himself. He feels heartbroken and really stupid about all of this.

“Frank. You don't deserve this. Any of this. Fuck Gerard” 

***

For the first time in days, he sees him. He’s in the kitchen eating cereal, as if nothing had happened. He even smiles when he comes out of his room, as if they were all good. Frank doesn’t smile back. He still feels hurt. This man has taken too much control over him. He doesn’t want it to continue. It’s all so exhausting. Seeing him gleefully eating breakfast is not going to sway him so easily. Even if he has to admit it, he’s really happy to see him again. 

Ray’s words still linger in his head. There has to be a way to stay strong. There have been harder things he has gone through (he believes). This should not be this difficult. He takes a seat at the table near him. Telling himself this time, things will go differently between the two of them. That he’s not going to fold so easily this time. Gerard is pleased to see him take a seat. He knows Frank will, anyway.

“Morning, Frank.”

Gerard says, as if everything was still good between them. Like the past few days had not happened. Like his words had not scarred him. 

“Hey there” 

“I’m really sorry I haven’t been around much. Needed to take some time for myself.”

Gerard explains, and Frank nods with his head.

Could that be a good sign? Could it mean taking time for himself to think about us? Frank wonders. Maybe there’s still hope, he thinks. Anything would be better than what they have going on now. Even now that he was struggling, he wanted to believe things could be better. Perhaps it was a good thing, or a terrible one. Regardless, Frank stops for a moment before saying anything. 

“Don’t worry about it, man.”

Frank tells him, trying to smile. He’s not sure if he should add anything else at this point.

“I hope we can still be good friends,” Gerard says, “After what happened.”

“Of course. Friends. Just friends”

Frank puts emphasis on that word. It’s clear it bothers him. Gerard doesn’t understand why. They had never agreed to anything other than that. 

”Well, yeah, what else?”

“I don’t know. Are you not attracted to me?”

Frank asks him bluntly. If Gerard can be cruel to him, so can he. 

This is normally the type of intrusive thought he would keep to himself, but not this time. He had nothing to lose, he realized that earlier. Things could not get any more weird between them than they already had. And even if things got worse, he would at least have gotten the chance to vent. Could that be so bad? If Gerard could mess with his head so much, maybe he could say something back, too.

”I mean, sure. I guess. Whatever…”

Gerard looks down, not wanting to see Frank’s reaction. 

“Then… Why can’t we be something else?”

“It’s just… Weird… And wrong, Frank. I don’t know what to tell you.” 

Gerard says, feeling uncomfortable about talking about this at all. He can’t like Frank. He just can’t. In his head, that would be the worst thing that could happen. Frank was a nice guy, but he could meet literally anyone else. And it would be a much better decision than to be with him. They are still both young. In Gerard’s mind, Frank could be with a woman easily and get it all over with. He did not need to struggle at all. 

“Right…”

“But we can do other things”.

Gerard says, raising his voice again.

“W-what do you mean?”

Frank tells him, starting to get timid. But still very focused on what he’s saying.

“I mean, we could do other things. As long as there is no kissing.” Gerard warns, “I don’t think it would need to be a big deal.”

But I want to kiss you, Frank thinks about saying. Not the right time, place, or person, though. So instead, he stays silent for a few moments, trying to figure out what to say. This is a proposal he was not expecting. He wonders if this is what Gerard meant by taking some time for himself. He wished it had been for something else. This is not really what he wanted out of him. It’s something a lot stranger. He is shocked, and he’s not sure if it’s in a good or bad way. 

It would have been so much easier in life to like girls, he thinks. If this were a woman, they probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation at all. But no. He had to be into the guy who was making him lose sleep and some of his sanity. He had to be into the things that made him feel guilty and dirty. Of course. He felt like some sort of masochist. 

“Oh,” He says instead, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t you wanna do it?”

Gerard asks. 

“Uh?”

Frank reacts, as if he can’t believe Gerard is talking to him. 

“Like try stuff”

Gerard tries again.

“I- I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Well, if you ever want to try stuff. We could do it. Just as long as no one knows. We could”

Gerard says, as if it were an obvious thing.

There really is no turning back now. Gerard was a little scared to propose this, and he thought about it for a long time. But he figured that Frank would probably be down. It was obvious to him that he had a soft spot for him. Maybe even something more, but that was not something he wanted to think about. It was best to talk about it as little as possible. Just act, and leave it at that. He didn’t want to deal with any of the extra stuff.

“Do you… Want to…  Do stuff to me?”

Frank asks him, feeling even more nervous than before.

“I mean, you’re hot. Not trying to be weird or anything. But you are”

“Really? You think so?” Frank gets a little closer, as if he could not believe what he was hearing, “But no kissing? You sure?”

“Never”

Gerard replies. He doesn’t think he could. It was too much. 

“I-I’ll think about it. Is that okay?”

Frank says.

“Don’t worry. I won’t pressure you either. This is just something among friends.”

Gerard tells him before going back to his cereal. As if nothing had happened, again. Frank realizes this is something he’s going to have to get used to. Gerard does not seem to want to talk about it much more. He doesn’t realize how nervous Gerard is on the inside. But he does see his hand shaking as he takes another spoonful of his Lucky Charms cereal. 

“Right… Friends…”

***

They are back at the cafe Frank can’t afford but still goes to anyway. They still haven’t told Pete about who this mystery guy is, but at least they’re all on the same page about most of it. The three friends sit in one of the booths at the back of the cafe. Frank chose one as far away from the front as possible, as if other people would listen to their conversation. He was starting to become paranoid that people could see it in him. His fear, his doubts about his sexuality, everything. 

Now that they’re there, Frank is ranting about this man again. Which they all realize is going to be a recurring thing. One that they both wish would stop as soon as possible. Whoever this guy is, he does not seem like good news for his friend. He sounds sleazy and a flake. Both things they don’t believe Frank deserves. 

“I think… I think he wants to be friends with benefits.”

He tells them.

“And you’re cool with that?”

Ray asks.

“I wish we could be something else… I feel like I’m only going to get attached and suffer.”

Frank says and sighs. He starts taking a sip of his coffee. It got cold somewhere around explaining more about the mystery guy to Pete. Still, he had already paid for it anyway. He doesn’t even enjoy the taste.

“Then don’t do it!”

Pete intervenes.

“But I want him to know I’m so into him…” 

“But if it’s not what you’re looking for, you’re wasting your time. He’s not going to change. People never go from friends with benefits to anything serious, y’know. It’s a death sentence.”

Pete insists.

“You think? I just want to know he wants me, that’s all…”

Frank says, and his friends roll their eyes. Pete groans. This is so Frank. Always trying to look for the good in people, even when there’s none. Always hoping for the best of things, even when it’s clear they’re done. It’s too easy for a guy like him to get hurt. And it’s happening right in front of their eyes. 

“He wants your body, Frank. It’s not the same thing.”

Pete says, raising his voice a little. 

“It’s what I can get.”

Frank tells them.

“You deserve more.” 

Ray says, putting emphasis on the last word. This guy is not what he wants for Frank at all. He wishes he had met literally anyone else. Someone who talked about his feelings, and did not leave him hanging like this. But he, like Pete, knew Frank was not going to give up this guy. It was obvious he liked him too much, he was not going to let go so easily. No matter what they could possibly say. 

“I’m just being realistic. Is that so bad?”

Frank goes.

“Look, man, you’re clearly into this guy. If you want to suffer, sure, do it. But don’t go crying to us when your feelings get hurt.”

Ray continues, ready to drop this subject again. Frank clearly just wants them to tell him to do it, and they really don’t want to. It all seems like a very bad idea. But if Frank wants to do it anyway, that’s his decision. He looks at Pete, who looks just as tired as he is. These are going to be some rough couple of weeks, clearly. 

“I just want him to like me, guys…”

Frank says, and his friends groan again.

***

That night, Frank meets with Gerard in the kitchen. Gerard is washing dishes, which is rare, but a good thing. Frank smiles at the sight. It’s nice for him to do something around the house. Anything at all. Especially since most of the dirty dishes were his anyway. Frank usually washes everything he uses right after, Gerard does not. He has not been the cleanest roommate so far. Some would even say he’s really bad with hygiene in general. But of course, to Frank, that’s just Gerard being Gerard. And how could he not like that?

“You know Gerard. I thought about what you said before.”

Frank tells him. Gerard starts cleaning his hands in the sink.

“Really?”

Gerard grins. Frank doesn’t look as enthusiastic.

“Yeah”

“What do you think?”

Gerard asks, excited to know the answer. So far, Frank has agreed to most things he says. Even the ones that don’t benefit him at all. Gerard ventures that this is just his personality and doesn’t mind it at all. To him, this was the best type of roommate he could have. He has been really getting used to him, and it’s been quick. They may not see each other much, but in Gerard’s mind, that’s even better. 

“I think we are good, man. I’m not interested.”

Frank says, and takes Gerard’s smile away. 

“I thought we were having fun.”

Gerard says.

“We were… It’s just… Not something I’m looking for.”

Frank explains to him.

The conversation he had with his friends had an effect on him. And they were usually right about most things. Especially when people were bad news. They always spotted that before Frank did. They also always told Frank to stay away from them, and Frank usually didn’t listen. But this time they had been really firm with him, and Frank had actually listened. His heart had gone through enough the past week. 

“What type of thing are you looking for?”

Gerard asks.

Frank stays quiet. He’s not sure what he wants either. It would be stupid to expect anything else from Gerard. He knows this. He’s not delusional about it, at least not entirely. There are so many things he could say to this, but suddenly he has none. Even after thinking about it nonstop before, he goes blank. He didn’t actually expect Gerard to care. He assumed he would be a little disappointed. But not that he would actually say anything else. It made him feel even more nervous than he already was. 

“I-I don't know. I think you're really cool, Gerard. I don’t want it to be like this.”

“What do you want?”

Gerard insists, leaving the sink and starting to get closer to him. Frank’s cornered into one of the walls near the kitchen. 

“Something more…”

Gerard’s so close, so close. Frank can smell his cologne very vividly. It’s manly and musky, just like him. He can’t believe Gerard’s this near him. 

“Like what?”

He pushes again, and Frank’s face goes red.

“It’s just - This is not enough for me”

Before he can say anything else, Gerard crashes his lips against him. Frank barely has time to think, but closes his eyes. Their lips meet slowly. They taste each other for a few moments. Gerard slides his tongue inside Frank’s mouth. Frank pushes his tongue playfully against his. Frank’s fingers travel through Gerard’s long hair as he moans into his mouth. Then Gerard pulls away from him, needing to say something.

“Is that what you want?”

Gerard asks him.

“Y-yeah”

Chapter Text

“See, we don't have to make things so complicated. Do we?”

Gerard tells him, he’s smiling. Frank’s not so sure how to react. He looks at him as if he were searching for answers. They both stand in the kitchen waiting for the other to say something. Anything. 

Frank’s still unsure of what he wants. Gerard seems to have an idea of what he’s looking for. But he also seems to be holding back. He’s not sure what’s worse. All he knows is that he wishes things could just go the right way. For Gerard to say, even if only for a moment, that he wanted him. That this was happening between the two of them wasn’t some dream he was having. But a sign that something real could come out of it. 

“We don’t…”

He ends up repeating, not sure as to what Gerard wants to hear from him. He only knows he wishes he knew what the hell Gerard wants. All he does is get closer, detach, get closer, then detach again. As if he were too scared to know what would happen if he were to stay. Frank has an idea of what’s so conflicting for Gerard. But talking about it out loud would only make things worse. 

He still remembers what happened to his brother. The one he doesn’t speak to anymore. It makes things make more sense. But it doesn’t make them easier. It just makes him know how fragile what he has with Gerard is. To how easily it could all break into pieces. And if that were to happen, he’s not sure how he would be able to handle it. Things are hard enough as it is. 

“We don’t need to put labels on this.”

“But I want… Something to know this is real, Gerard. I don’t want to just forget this.”

Frank goes, a little afraid of how Gerard will take his words. He hopes he doesn’t get angry or dismissive again. He acts as if talking about this were something poisonous. Something that could really kill him. But to Frank, not talking about it is so much worse. 

“Oh, Frank, you’re such a romantic.”

Gerard brushes it off. He’s already feeling a little uncomfortable. Frank’s making things too much again. He doesn’t know how to react when this happens. He just knows it makes his chest feel weird. And to him, men shouldn’t give each other such feelings. In his mind, Frank and he are supposed to be good friends, but nothing else. The types of friends that watch the games together, drink beers, and talk about music. Not this, though. This is not something he normally does with his friends. He doesn’t know how to feel about it either. It’s all so strange to him.

“I am”

“You’re … A cool guy Frank…”

Gerard tells him, unable to say much more. Whatever Frank wants to hear, he’s not sure he can give. Frank acts like they’re in a different situation than they are. One where this can happen. A better one. A life in which they can have each other. No questions asked. No stupid guilt right after. That would be a dream for him. 

“Is that all?”

Frank asks, and he looks disappointed. 

“I’m doing my best, okay?”

“Well, I like you, Gerard.”

Frank tells him. He’s not sure how Gerard will take it, but he hopes he won’t be hurtful. He’s not expecting much from him, but still isn’t ready for his response.  

“You’re alright…"

Frank can only sigh. 

***

“We kissed,” Frank starts, “And it was amazing. I’ve never liked anyone this much.”

“Sure…”

Is all Pete says, and it seems to be sarcastic. It doesn’t make Frank any less excited, though. Nothing they could possibly say would make him any less happy about it. He knows his friends are not going to approve of it. But he’s still going to tell them. Isn’t that what friends are for, anyway? He thinks. 

“Every day I just need to see him, talk to him.” Frank continues, “I think about the kiss a lot. Like, it was so sweet of him.”

“So what you're saying is that you're folding?”

Pete goes, raising an eyebrow. Mystery guy still doesn’t seem like good news. They’re not going to be convinced it’s anything unless Frank comes to them with a ring. And mystery guy doesn’t seem like the type. He seems like someone who is only around for the fun stuff.

“Guys, he’s not like you think. He’s different. Just give him a chance.”

Frank tells his friends, but they are not impressed. They both look at each other, as if waiting for turns on who to insult him first. They feel like Frank’s not giving him much of a choice either. 

“Did he say he wanted to be more than friends?”

Ray is the first to ask him. He already has an idea of what the answer will be, but still needs to hear it. Maybe saying it out loud will make Frank realize how delusional he sounds, he thinks. But that also feels like it would be a miracle. Frank has never been this crazy about something or someone. It’s almost impressive, and not in a good way.

“Not yet…”

Frank says.

“Yet?”

His friend exclaims.

“Yet?”

His other friend asks as well, looking at him like he can’t believe this. Frank’s such a lost cause that it scares them sometimes. Whoever this mystery guy is has him right by the neck. And they do not like what he’s doing to him. He’s vulnerable and clearly likes this man too much for his own good. They hope to never meet him. If they did, they’re not sure they could stop themselves from fighting him. They do not like how he’s treating his friend. Even if he is, partly to blame for asking for more.

“Guys, we need to have hope.”

Frank insists as if he didn’t already know how his friends would react to it.

“We don’t! Frank…”

Ray tries, but Frank interrupts him. 

“He likes me, okay! He just hasn’t realized yet.”

“What makes you think this time will be different?”

Ray says. It leaves Frank speechless at first. Most of what he’s claiming is based on things he feels, and not much else. His friends can tell this, too. Frank’s clearly just hoping for the best. And it’s a skill that has done him more harm than good. Especially in a situation like this, where both of his friends would really prefer if he were more realistic. 

“Well, for starters, he kissed me.”

Frank begins.

“Right”

“Second of all, he says hi to me all the time.”

Frank continues. His friends groan, annoyed at his answers already. They gave him the benefit of the doubt for a single moment, and he wasted it quickly. Frank’s doing that thing again, he does. Where he thinks he sees what he wants and not what’s happening. And whoever this man is, he should bring him back to reality. It would be cruel not to.  

“Oh god… Not the breadcrumbs…”

Ray rolls his eyes.

“It’s not that! Guys, shouldn’t you be happy? I really like this guy!”

Frank begs them.

“Please let me introduce you to one of my friends, Frank. I promise they will call back. And they’re not fake straight.”

Pete goes. Frank’s almost insulted. The idea that he could go out with anyone else feels outrageous to him. He’s still trying to navigate whether he could be gay. To do it with one of Pete’s friends? It would be too much for him. He’s still trying to handle simply having a roommate. Moving out was making life go too fast for his liking already.

Fake straight for Gerard also feels excessive. But what is Gerard, anyway? Frank’s not sure if even he knows. It’s all so confusing. So far, he knows he finds him attractive. He likes being with him. And he doesn’t mind getting touched by him. Is that all it takes? For him to be something else. Something closer to what Frank needs. Something better than what Pete called it, anyway.

“I don’t need to find a man. I have him.”

“Do you?”

Ray asks him, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“You will see, you will see…”

Frank insists.

***

Gerard has his day off from work, and Frank can’t help but to feel excited. He normally spends his time out, in places he doesn't really talk about. But on this night, he’s finally home. Frank can hear the TV from his bedroom. It all sounds like gibberish to him. Still, he wants to go outside and be by his side. It’s hard for him to focus on anything else. Maybe Gerard wouldn’t mind him. Maybe. 

Eventually, he gets the courage to open the door. Telling himself he’s only going to go get some snacks. Nothing weird. Or needy. Just casually walking by him. He’s not expecting anything more than a greeting. And even that could be excessive for him. He’s not ready when he finally comes out and hears Gerard call him: 

“Want to watch the game with me, kid?”

Gerard asks from the living room’s couch. He has a beer in one arm and the control remote on his leg. The game’s already halfway done, but hope Frank won’t mind it. 

“S-sure”

Frank says, heading towards the living room.

“Good,” The man replies as Frank takes a seat next to him. “They’re the Dodgers. Isn’t that cool?”

Gerard continues as he puts his arm around Frank’s shoulder. Pulling him a little closer. 

“Yeah, love the Dodgers”

Frank tells him.

“You have no idea who these are. Right?”

To him, Frank doesn’t look like the sports type. He looks artsier. Maybe even a musical type. And that’s fine by him. Gerard wished he could be more like that. His family would never approve of it, though. Instead, he tried to focus on things his dad enjoyed, like sports, detachment, and beer. That seemed to be working out for him just fine.

“Not a clue”

Frank responds, Gerard laughs. 

The game continues. Frank can barely keep his eyes open, but he does like listening to Gerard. He will talk about the players, about their moves, and whether what they did was good or bad. Frank does not understand a thing about it, but likes to see Gerard excited about something. This game seems to be an important one, too. They’re both enjoying each other’s company. 

Gerard finishes his beer, and another, and another, and he seems to get more and more comfortable with Frank around. Frank’s happy about that. He likes chatty Gerard. And he definitely likes handsy Gerard. It would be nice to have him around more often.

“You’re really fucking pretty, Frank. Almost like a girl”

He says as the game is about to end. Frank looks at him, shocked. 

Almost. The word lingers on Frank’s head. Almost. It makes him feel hurt. Everything would be so much easier if he had been born differently. But no. Life had given him this instead. He was given this confusing and guilty way of being instead. How unfair. Gerard’s words are simple, but they bring him so much pain. It is not a compliment, it’s a death sentence.

They mean no. Not in this lifetime. Who knows if during another. Frank wishes there was something he could do. He looks down and sighs. Gerard probably has no idea how awful his words make him feel. To Gerard, it may even be a compliment. But in Frank’s head, is the last thing he wants to hear.

Almost. If he were a girl, there would be no problem at all. He believes he would be so much happier. Next to a man he loves. Maybe married. Probably may even have children. All things he dreams of, but thinks he could never have.

“Would you date me if I were a girl?”

Frank asked him. He’s scared to know the answer, but says it anyway.

Frank would give anything for things to be different. To be able to give Gerard what he wants. Or what he thinks he wants, anyway. To be in the correct body, the correct mind, with the correct person. A life in which he doesn’t feel wrong to exist.

“Of course”

Gerard replies almost instantly. As if it were something he had considered before. And he had.

“Oh”

“But that doesn’t matter. You’re still hot.”

Gerard puts his hands on Frank’s leg and rubs him slowly. Frank doesn’t feel comforted. In fact, he feels a little used. Hot is easy. Hot is simple. Hot is not necessarily a boyfriend. It can be a guy he flirts with. And never calls back again. Just like his friends kept telling him.

“I see”

Is all Frank says, unsatisfied with his answer.

“C’mon, Frank. I like you, okay? We are cool.”

“I see…”

Frank repeats. 

“Ah, Frank. You’re gonna make someone really happy someday”

Gerard tells him, and it breaks Frank’s heart into two. The more he tries to be soothing the more he seems to make Frank upset. He feels clueless. He’s not sure if it’s the drinks. Perhaps he’s just not built for these types of conversations. He wished Frank didn’t insist so much on having them. They don’t seem to be working.

“Why can’t it be you?”

Frank asks and pulls Gerard’s hand away from him. 

“Because…” Gerard starts, “Things aren’t that simple. But that’s okay. I told you we can still do other things.”

“Hmmmm…”

Gerard puts his hand on Frank’s leg again, and this time he doesn’t move it. He leans in closer towards Frank. He kisses his cheek tenderly, and Frank can’t help but to smile and giggle. They stop caring about the game entirely. Gerard goes a little lower, and it makes Frank smile even harder than before. It shouldn’t be this easy, he knows that, but when he’s with Gerard, he doesn’t care.

Gerard’s lips graced his neck as he kissed his soft skin. It felt too good. Frank wanted more. Gerard began nibbling on the sensitive skin. Biting the spots that would make Frank groan. He gets closer to the sensitive part of his neck. He sucked on the skin, and it made Frank whimper. Gerard then bites him again, starting to leave a purple mark on him. It makes Frank get hard. He loves the idea of Gerard having him. Maybe even owning him. Perhaps that's exactly what he needs, he thinks. Everything would be so much easier if he were Gerard's. 

“Are you giving me a hickey so people think I have a boyfriend?”

Frank asks him.

“Wh-What? No! Obviously not”

Gerard says.

“You are!”

Frank insists. He is smiling earnestly, barely able to contain how happy this is making him feel.

“Let’s… Not do this right now…”

Gerard goes before going back to his neck. Frank pulls him closer, trying to get more of him. He doesn’t care what Gerard says. He tells himself he knows much better. 

“Ahh,” He says as he palms his erection through his jeans, “Oh, Gerard.”

“I’ll touch you if you touch me.”

Gerard says. Frank stops for a moment to think. He may be turned on right now, but he remembers the last time he had been with Gerard. How badly things had ended. He was scared to get hurt again. 

“But keep kissing me, please.”

Frank tells him.

Frank lowers his jeans as he watches the other man do the same. Gerard spits into his own hand, trying to get it wet for him. Frank grins. He can’t wait for this. To finally have Gerard. Even if it is like this. It feels like enough at the moment. Gerard’s hand travels towards Frank’s erection. The man touches the base of his cock. Frank whimpers loudly. For Gerard to be the one to touch him. It’s exactly what he had been longing for. He moves his own hand towards Gerard’s cock. And gives him a firm stroke. It makes him groan quietly. But it’s more than enough for Frank, he loves hearing it. He wants him needy and desperate, the way he makes him feel. 

Gerard pumps him as Frank cries harder. The television boasts about some new World Series champion. They both stopped paying attention to it a long time ago. Frank moves his hand and tries to keep up with the others' pace. Gerard gets closer as their lips meet, interlocking as they both touch each other. Gerard opens his mouth, inviting Frank in. Their tongues battle as they feel the other's hand. They get lost in each other's mouths. To Frank, this is as good as it can get. He feels pure bliss, and it’s just from the other man’s lips. Gerard starts stroking him faster, and Frank tries to keep up with him.

“Gerard…”

Frank whispers, as if he were afraid someone could hear him.

Frank pushes against Gerard’s hand, needing more friction. This feels so much better than what they’ve done before. Finally, he’s the one getting some attention. And it’s from whom he needs the most. He’s leaking precome all over his fingers. Feeling himself getting so close. When he sees Gerard cock in his own hand, he gets even more turned on. He looks at Gerard shamefully, trying to memorize everything about how he looks at this moment. He can’t believe how good Gerard looks, how lustful and perfect. He bites his lip as he stares at him, and Gerard looks directly at him. He knows he will never forget any of this. Gerard’s hand feels like heaven. This is so wrong, and they both know it. It’s part of what’s driving Frank crazy about it. He is not supposed to have Gerard at all. 

“Fuck…”

Gerard groans.

He feels like he can’t deny himself any longer. Gerard’s pumping him so much faster now. It’s feeling like it’s too much for him. Frank closes his eyes and leaves his mouth hanging. Feeling such ecstasy from his touch. It’s all getting to him. He moans loudly again before releasing his seed all over Gerard’s hand. Gerard quickly follows after, groaning as he reaches his orgasm next to him. They both remain there on that couch, panting and trying to regain their composure.

“Can we keep kissing?”

Frank asks him. 

“You’re sweet,” Gerard tells him, “Just between us two.”

***

This should be a good day. It’s Frank’s day off, and they get to see each other again. But lately his friends have become a little distant. All the advice they give him seems to fall on deaf ears, and it’s something they’re becoming tired of. Frank almost regrets telling them about what’s happening at all. But he does need (any) type of support on this. And his friends remain cheaper than any therapist. 

“So are you gonna mention that huge thing in your neck?”

Ray says. 

“What about it?”

Frank responds, as if he had no idea why Ray would question it. He starts eating some of the eclair he ordered. It’s good, way too expensive, but sadly, very good. He pretends to be more focused on it than in the conversation he’s having. It’s becoming clear to him that his friends will not be warming up to Gerard any time soon. Perhaps he had said too much. 

“How old are you guys? It’s so childish.”

Pete goes. It makes Frank feel a little embarrassed. This was the first hickey he had ever received. Pete had gotten to experience more than enough of them. It makes Frank wish he had grown up more like him. And less like, well, himself. 

“You guys don’t like anything he does.”

Frank tells them.

“He does good things?”

Pete asks his friend. Ray chuckles, but Frank still doesn’t find it funny. Still, if he’s going to insist on talking about the mystery guy, he thinks he may as well have some fun with it.

“All the time! He cleans the dishes. He says I’m hot.”

Frank starts, his friends are already done. They expected little, but this feels like even less. To them, Frank sounds almost obsessed. And it’s not with the right person. He’s going for someone who seems to only want to waste his time. Pete almost relates to some of it, but knows he's never been this bad. 

“Breadcrumbs”

Pete insists, unconvinced by Frank’s statements.

“Don’t say that!”

Frank argues. He hopes his friends start to get used to Gerard cause he’s for sure not dropping him. What happened between them before felt so intimate. Nothing they say can take that away from him. He wanted for things to feel real between them, and they do. At least for the time being. He is thankful for it. It's way more than he could have expected after the previous week.

“One of these days, I’m gonna find out who this idiot is. And I will get him.”

Pete says.

“I already told you, I can’t tell you.”

Frank says.

Things are already hard enough as they are. Pete knowing would only make things so much worse. Ray at least didn’t judge all that much. But Wentz? He would never hear the end of it. Plus, it was too close to Gerard’s brother. He did not want to be anywhere near the guy. It would make things way too weird for him. He needed to be smart about it. 

“You have to at least give me a clue.”

Pete insists.

“He likes baseball. I think. Said something about watching the game.”

“Baseball, uh?”

Pete repeats him.

“Maybe? Dodgers? I don’t know. Straight guy stuff”

***

Frank brings a man to the apartment. A strange man. Gerard immediately knows what that means. They both walk together holding hands. It makes Gerard sick to his stomach. He doesn’t consider himself the jealous type, but this is really testing him. It feels insulting. And hurtful. Frank never mentioned anything about bringing other men into their place. That had to be breaking a rule of some kind. 

“Frank, don’t do this”.

Gerard says. 

“I don’t care!”

Frank tells him. 

“Frank-”

“Leave me alone, Gerard!”

Frank insists. 

Gerard wakes up in a cold sweat. He is shaking and feels his chest pumping fast. He’s panting heavily as he starts to regain consciousness. The nightmare felt so real, he’s still trying to process it. It was all too much. He sits on the bed and tries to catch his own breath. Still feeling distraught about the images. Seeing Frank holding hands with another man should mean nothing. But it fills him with rage. 

He knows he shouldn’t care. He knows Frank and him are nothing. And that they shouldn’t be. But the idea of losing him is scary. Gerard’s not sure what he would do if the nightmare were to come true. He would probably lose it, fight someone, and say something he would then regret. 

Gerard worried that he was getting too attached. This was not supposed to be anything. If he kept telling himself they were just roommates, it could drown out the noise. But the idea kept popping back up. Frank. The guy he was not supposed to be thinking about. Someone who should be no one. Yet every time he becomes anything but that. It was the reason why they couldn’t talk too much. Every time they did, he had an effect on him that he wasn’t supposed to have. Making him feel, think, and do things he shouldn’t.

Gerard feared that Frank would be his ruin. He was smart, and he wanted more than what he was being given. That part was obvious to him. Gerard didn’t know how to deal with that. Frank was younger, handsome, good. A better guy than he could ever be. Why did he have to make things so hard for himself? Gerard wished Frank could see things the way he did. Finding a girlfriend didn’t need to be so difficult. Why waste his time with him? He could never give him what he was looking for, even if he wanted to. It was just not that simple. 

Still, the possibility of Frank running towards another man was different. And it pissed him off to no end. Finding the right woman for him would be what was natural in Gerard’s head. Finding another man would mean he was wrong about him, which was so much worse.  

***

The phone starts ringing late at night. Normally, Frank doesn’t get calls at all. And the fact that it’s from Pete especially means it’s urgent. Pete has never called him for anything else. He accepts the calls as soon as he sees the notification. Frank grabs his cellphone and puts it next to his ear. He’s not sure what this could be about, but assumes it will be no good. Good news normally doesn’t happen at this time. Frank hasn't even said anything and already feels tired. 

“Frank?”

The voice on the other line says. 

“Yeah?”

Frank responds. 

“Is it Gerard?”

Pete asks him directly.

“Y-Yes…”

Frank says. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

Chapter Text

The two of them waited outside Frank’s job. His break had started a few minutes prior. Pete drove all the way there to confront him. Talking on the phone was one thing, but he also felt like he needed to see Frank through this. As if he needed some proof that this was really happening. He still couldn’t believe he was right. That his friend really had gotten involved with one of the people he hated the most. Someone he found to be so careless, so cold, so ignorant. To him, he was everything Frank was not. There had to be no universe in which it could work.

Frank already knew what Pete was going to be like. He dreaded seeing him. Suddenly, he did not want to talk about Gerard at all. He felt stupid for having said anything. It was not worth the embarrassment. As much as he liked Gerard, he knew Pete wasn’t going to take it well. He already hated him for what he had done to Mikey to begin with. He did not need to add more to it. Especially not now that he was getting so close to him. Frank was not backing down. 

“I can’t believe you would do this to yourself, man.”

Pete starts, feeling tired already. They are both smoking a cigarette outside the venue. It’s late at night, and Frank’s checking his cellphone to see if he can leave now. Feeling like this was a situation he wanted to escape. Quickly. It’s all torturous. 

“I like him…”

Frank says. He knows his friend won’t be understanding. But he still tries to be honest. It doesn’t feel right to deny it. He’s already been caught. He just hoped the berating would be brief. Neither of them had much patience for each other at the time. Frank had already made up his mind, and he was very stubborn. He wanted Gerard. Only him. The man he knew he couldn’t have. 

“Frank, he’s not even closeted. He’s homophobic. And a prick.” Pete pauses, then adds, “But that goes without saying.” 

Pete still remembered how Mikey’s family treated him. Their dad, especially. He found all of them to be hypocrites. People who did not even deserve to even be related to his boyfriend. Gerard, specifically, someone who used to be Mikey’s biggest friend. Who left the second he came out as who he was. Pete would never forgive someone who hurt him like that. Let alone now, that he was messing with his friend’s head this badly. He was sick of him. 

“Well, if he likes me, that means…”

Frank tries to say.

“It means nothing! It means that he likes fooling around with you. Doesn’t make him any less hateful.”

Pete insists. 

Frank looked back at the things Gerard had said. He did feel sexualized. But he wasn’t sure if he disliked it. He longed to have more of Gerard. Yet he was not unhappy with what he had. He couldn’t even imagine what he would do if their “agreement” were to end. This was the closest thing to a relationship he had in his adult life. How could he quit him? In Frank’s mind it would be the worst thing that could happen. He didn’t care if he could only have him physically for the time being. He still had hope that something else was going to happen. Even when the people in his life didn’t.

“But he…”

“You know that his dad and he don’t talk to Mikey anymore, right? Since he came out”

Pete continues. Frank does know. And it is something he tries to forget about. Constantly. That this man he wants so much could be filled with so much hatred. And the idea of being taken out of Gerard’s life is also terrifying to him. 

“He must be confused.”

He says, covering his face with his hands for a moment, as if he didn’t want to face any of it. Pete sighs, but continues quickly after:

“You’re seriously defending him?”

“You don’t know him.”

“Frank, you’re delusional. He’s never going to want anything with you.”

Pete tells him bluntly. Frank feels like he’s about to cry. His biggest fear was being exposed in front of his friend. He closes his eyes for a moment to compose himself. Needing a moment to calm down. And to try to erase Pete’s words from his head. He feels betrayed, for all the things he knows so far to be used like this. For all the feelings he’s been having to be mocked. As if his heart did not matter at all in this. Things could not be worse. 

If Frank stopped believing there was a chance, it would destroy him. He was not ready to let go. He felt that every time they talked, they got closer to each other. That things could only get better. That maybe if he tried enough, was nice enough, Gerard would say yes to him. But maybe he was daydreaming again. His heart was fully in his hands, and Gerard did not know what to do with it. Frank could tell. 

“Can’t you just let me be happy? I’m fine with what I have.”

Frank says and stomps on his cigarette, frustrated. 

“You deserve so much better than him.”

His friend says. He still can’t believe his friend would choose him. Out of every man in New Jersey, it felt like he picked the least deserving. He knew someone like Frank could meet someone else at the venue that very night. Anywhere, really. Anyone but Gerard. They would not be as cruel as he had been. Frank said this guy was hot and cold, wanting him one moment and then not. That’s not who he envisioned for him. 

“What if he deserves more than me?”

Frank still sees Gerard as someone above him. Someone successful, older, with his act together. Someone who normally wouldn’t go for him. A younger, no degree, no prospects, naive, mess of a person. Frank was deeply self-deprecating enough already. Comparing himself to Gerard only made it worse. 

“He’s a fucking loser! How can you not see it?”

Pete insists. 

“Can you just let me be? My break is almost done. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Frank says, ready to head back to the bar. He doesn’t want to listen to any more of it. Even working would be better than that. Anything other than more of this conversation. He's not even sure if he wants to ever speak to him again after this. It feels so humiliating. 

“He’s bad for you, Frank,” Pete starts, “And you know it.”

The man keeps walking. It's useless on him. Pete is not telling him anything he doesn't know already.

***

Gerard went out that night. Drinking. Dancing. Drugs. All of his favorite things. Something to get his mind off things. All the millions of thoughts he was having about what happened. The night with Frank, things with his girlfriend, and Mikey being gone. It all felt like too much. Being out could at least keep him doing something else instead. He didn’t mind going out alone, in fact he preferred it. He could be himself even if it was only momentarily. 

But Frank stayed home. Remembering all of it again. Gerard. The man who he was saving himself for. The man who he wasn’t sure if he cared at all. The one who was making him lose his head. He wished he had stayed home. Maybe watch a movie together. Maybe kissed again. But perhaps it was asking for too much. The man clearly did not know what he wanted yet. Too filled with shame to see what was in front of him.

Could he ever change? How long could it possibly take? For him to accept that things were bigger than he claimed they were? That this was real, painful, but very real. That Frank was right there. Impatient. Filled with so much affection and care, and no one to take it. Simply holding on to the idea that this was happening. And that one day, he was going to finally take it.

Gerard said he would date him if he were a girl. Was that something friends usually say to each other? He wasn’t sure. He had never been in that position before. Frank had so many questions. Would he accept him if he were to dress differently? Wear makeup? Maybe try being girlier? Was that what he wanted? But even if it was. Frank feared it would not be worth pretending to be someone he was not. He liked Gerard. A lot. Still, he also feared he might be losing himself too much in this. 

“I miss you.”

He texted him. He got no reply. When Gerard read it he went to ask for another drink. This was going to be a difficult night. 

“I miss you.”

Gerard typed, but got too scared to send it. He went for another shot instead.

Eventually, Frank fell asleep with his phone in his hand. Still waiting for any type of response from him. Whether good or bad. But nothing ever came through. Instead, he rested in bed alone. It was very late, and by that point, he had lost hope. 

When Gerard got home, he knocked on Frank’s door twice. Then Gerard opened the door anyway. The man was already asleep. And seemed very tired. Gerard got close to the bed. Enough to get a good look at him. Frank looked so peaceful in his sleep. So angelic. Even covered in his tattoos. He looked so sweet. Gerard took a step closer. He thought about caressing his hair. It looked so soft and beautiful. But he went against it. Thinking it may have been too much for him to do.

“Missed you,” He says out loud this time. All in a barely audible whisper. And that he knew Frank wouldn't be able to hear. He was drunk and needed to go to bed already .“Missed you too.”

Then he finally left. In his bedroom, he locked himself in. He cried till he felt nothing. The night had been long enough already. 

***

Pete thought about it for longer than he would have liked to. He needed to tell Mikey about what happened. If he didn’t, he may as well be lying. Gerard used to be very close to him, he had to remember. It wouldn’t be right to hide something like this. Not at this point either, where they’re relationship was finally getting more serious. The man thought about it for a long time before saying it. As they both lay in bed together, he started:

“Your brother is doing something messed up.”

Is all he says at first.

“Tell me about it.”

Mikey goes, sarcastically. 

“He’s sleeping with my friend. And it’s fucked up.”

The man continues, Mikey turns around and looks at him, surprised. 

“Who is she?”

Mikey asks, with a raised eyebrow. 

“He. It’s Frank.”

“You’re not serious. Are you?”

His boyfriend says. He looks confused and almost insulted by the whole thing. His brother had failed him in many ways already. But this had to be a new low. This could not be the man who had been so cruel to him for coming out. This could not be the man who was not in his life anymore cause of it. It was so insulting. He wasn’t sure how to react. Just shakes his head and tries to think for a moment. 

“It’s bad.”

“That fucking hypocrite,” Mikey says, “I can’t believe this.”

“Yeah, you need to talk to him.”

Pete tells him, as if it were that simple. Mikey is not sure what to say. He doesn’t feel ready to talk to Gerard yet. But also, he’s not being given much of a choice. He has to. He doesn’t know Frank personally, but Pete has mentioned him plenty. And who he does know is Gerard, who is no good to anyone but himself.  

He does worry about how this will affect his family now. It’s probably going to break it apart more than it already is. He tries to imagine in his head what things will be like when they all know about it. The things they will say. If things were bad when they found out about Pete. Things were going to be hell when they found out what Gerard had been doing. He was not going to be his dad’s favorite anymore. Not now nor ever. Gerard would have a fall from grace through this. 

“I feel bad for your friend.”

Mikey says.

“I know…” 

“Oh, Gerard, I swear to God”

Mikey starts rubbing his forehead. Trying to think when would be the best time to call him tomorrow. What to say at first. How to confront someone like this. Wondering if things would be as bad as they felt at the moment. 

“They’re roommates.”

“He’s screwing his roommate? Seriously?”

“And my friend is so into him.”

“Poor guy. He really has no idea.”

Mikey says, wondering how bad things had gotten already. For Pete to know about it, it was probably catastrophic already. 

***

Normally, when Gerard gets home, he locks himself in his room. Doesn’t say much. Sometimes he greets Frank, then goes to bed. This time was different, though. He went directly to Frank’s bedroom again. Knocking only once before opening the door anyways. Frank didn’t even react to it, already used to how Gerard can be. Direct. Unexpected. No sense of privacy. Not the greatest roommate to most, but he had gotten used to it. He forgives him for a lot of things. 

Gerard walks around his room, as if it were his. Frank just waits for him to say what he wants. He looks agitated. But he had rehearsed this in his head a thousand times. Things between him and Frank needed to change. Things were becoming way too difficult the way they were. Gerard knew time was running out. If he didn’t say anything, things would only get worse for both of them. 

“You know this between you and me…” Gerard pauses, “No one can know about it. You realize that, right?”

“Right…”

Frank repeats and nods with his head. He wishes this were not the case, but still has to agree and knows it. If things went as he wanted them to be, Gerard would be his first boyfriend. The first man he introduces to his parents. The first man he truly lets into his life. And Gerard would show him off, proud of being with him. They’d go out together, maybe even on a nice vacation somewhere far. Maybe simply going on a walk holding hands. But this was Gerard’s world, where they were roommates, not gay, and at best good friends. So far. 

“I really like you, Frank.”

Is all Gerard says, then looks at the ground. He does not want to see Frank’s reaction. 

“Really?”

Frank asks, hopeful that this could finally be it. The moment his life changes.

“I feel like… We could be… I don’t know. We could figure out something better. Between you and me,” Frank opens his eyes wider, as if he could not believe this was happening. Gerard continues, “But no one. And I mean, no one can know about this.”

“Just between you and me, Gerard”

Frank immediately goes. He still wishes for more, but doesn’t want to push his luck. Not the time. He’s taking what he can get from him. Even if it’s little and vague. Maybe Pete was right, he realizes. Gerard is never going to accept him, or even himself. But he’s not giving up on this. At least it’s something. At least it’s not him leaving. 

“No one”

Gerard repeats.

“I understand…”

“Frank, I’m so serious. If anyone were to know about this, it would ruin me”.

To Gerard, people knowing what had happened with Frank would destroy him. It wasn’t shame to be with Frank. It was about what it represented. A lie. His whole life would be a lie. His relationships with women had been a farce. What happened with Mikey had been hypocritical. His dad was never going to see him as a man again. He would feel tainted. A fake. He would feel like he had failed all of them. All the things he had believed previously would have been wrong. He would be something he couldn’t accept.

And if he were to accept who he was. Where would that leave Frank? Gerard wasn’t sure what he wanted. He only knew what he didn’t. Frank meeting someone else. Frank leaving. Frank moving on. It was as if he was caught in the middle of all of this. Unable to move in any direction without falling into despair.  

“I’d never tell anyone, Gerard…”

Frank insists.

“I just don’t want you to go fuck some douchebag.”

Gerard finally says, venting what he had been thinking about for days. Ever since the dream he had, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He shouldn’t feel jealous about a man who was not his, he understood that. But it didn’t make it feel any less frustrating. The idea that another man could touch Frank filled him with so much rage. Just saying those words out loud had him feeling upset already.

“Uh? What makes you think I would do that?”

“I don’t know! You’re … You know… You could meet someone easily!”

Gerard tells him. Frank was in his mid-20s. Completely ready to meet someone for good. Someone better. Someone who would make Gerard regret not saying anything. He was realistic in that sense. And it gave him so much anxiety. Just like how Frank felt like he was not worthy of Gerard. Gerard felt like he was not enough for Frank. 

“I don’t want to meet anyone else, Gerard.”

Frank says. Still confused by the whole ordeal. Gerard sighs. It takes him a few moments to speak again. He needs to collect his thoughts. And the words he says next are hard for him to say out loud. 

“I told my girlfriend we are on break.”

Gerard finally says. It was not easy to do so. They had been together for six months, but it often felt like more. She wanted something serious, something real. Gerard never knew how to give it to her. And since Frank had moved in, it was almost impossible to try. Everything was about him. And that was not fair to her at all. He debated it for days with himself before giving her the call. It was shorter than he would have expected. As if she already knew things were not working out. Gerard wasn’t sure if he should feel worse or not. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I told her I have some stuff to figure out.”

He didn’t mention Frank. Or anything that had happened. That would be something else he wasn’t ready for yet. 

“Is it cause of me?”

He asks.

“Frank, don’t…”

Gerard starts, rubbing his eyes. Already regretting saying anything at all. He was not ready for this conversation at all. 

“Sorry, sorry! Does that mean you want a break from me, too?”

Frank asks him instead. 

“No.” Gerard adds, “It means I like being with you.”

“Oh”

Frank felt his stomach drop. He was feeling so many emotions that he could faint. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Finally. A small proof that Gerard actually wanted something more. Any evidence that this was reciprocated. And not something he had made up to feel less alone. It was what he had been waiting for. Now he didn’t know what to say.

“I just. Need some space, alright?”

Gerard tells him. 

Maybe a lifetime. Everything still feels so overwhelming. He feels lost. Unable to know where his feelings start and end. Things feel so much more complicated ever since Frank moved in. Suddenly, he was questioning everything. About himself and about how he saw the world. But it was not liberating for him. It was scary. Like he had gotten involved in something shameful. He kept telling himself he was just confused. That this may have been a phase he could get out of. That Frank was probably not even going to care about him for long. And it would all be over. He would go back to his girlfriend. Drinking, partying, and not thinking about this. To his old life. Still, at the same time, he knew he couldn’t. 

All Frank could do was wait. Expect the best. Dread the worst. There was so little he could do in this situation. Gerard did not seem to want help. But Frank didn’t want him to go through this alone. They both stayed in silence for a few moments. Both of them unable to know how they should feel about this. 

“I can wait for you.”

Frank says. But he knows it’s hopeless. 

“Don’t”

Gerard replies. 

“I’ll wait for you anyway.”

The man insists. 

***

Chapter Text

It had been six months since they had seen each other. Things had been hard on Mikey. He had been so close to his brother for his entire life. To be tossed aside had been so insulting. But Gerard, at times, didn’t think of the consequences of his actions. How his words affected others. How his distance could be so painful. It was hard for him to comprehend that people cared about him at all. And that they thought about him when he was gone. 

During his time without him, Mikey had gotten time to reflect a lot. His family had always been dysfunctional. This situation only highlighted how messed up they were. He had never felt real affection from his father. His mother never questioned his behavior. Although Gerard was close to him, he had always known there was favoritism. Gerard got to do a lot of things he wouldn’t be able to. Gerard got the attention and the admiration from them. While Mikey usually had to work harder for a fraction of it. He thought perhaps that’s why coming out had been so destructive. Things were always murky with his family. That maybe it had ruined a bond that was never that strong to begin with.

When he called Gerard, he wasn’t expecting him to actually care. Let alone wanting to see him. By that point, he had assumed he was just like his father. Cold, difficult, and distant. But Gerard sounded genuinely worried about him. Asking him about how he had been doing. And how soon they could see each other. It was shocking to him. But he wasn’t mad about it at all. They agreed to meet up in Gerard’s apartment a few days later. Supposedly to just catch up. But Mikey knew it was going to be a lot more difficult than that. 

“I’m so glad we can speak.” Gerard starts, looking at him directly, “You have no idea how difficult this has been on me.”

Gerard understood that his father did not want them to communicate with Mikey anymore. And he also knew that his father would think missing him would be unmanly of him. So he had not mentioned any of this to him at all. Never admitted to anyone how badly leaving Mikey had affected him. But the reality was, it had been brutal on him. While he would never say it out loud, it was part of why he had been partying so heavily the past few months. It would get his mind off the entire situation. All with enough alcohol and drugs. 

“On you? Dude!”

Mikey shouts, offended by his words. Gerard was not the most emotionally intelligent, he knew that perfectly. It was something he was prepared for already. But he didn’t expect him to be so careless so quickly. He understood that what he was trying to say was not meant to be insulting. But the wording really upset him.

“I know, I know. Dad took it too far.”

“You didn’t do anything!”

His brother continues. Maybe he was right. It was his father who had been so hard on him originally. But Gerard had stood by his side during it. He had said some unkind things when it had first happened. Things that Gerard already regretted. But Mikey would not forget. While it was difficult not to blame his father, Don, for it. It was also unfair to absolve Gerard of it all. 

“What was I supposed to do?” Gerard asks, “Fight dad?”

“You should have done something!”

Mikey now says, putting emphasis on his last word. He wasn’t sure exactly what he would have liked him to do. But it was clear to him that he had taken the wrong way. Any type of defending him would have made a difference. Yet Gerard had not tried whatsoever. Too busy thinking about his father’s words to think about his brother's feelings. 

“Look, dude, I understand you have a different… Lifestyle”

Gerard tells him, doing gestures with his hands. As if he didn’t know if he was expressing himself correctly. He’s not sure if what he’s saying could be offensive or not. 

“Lifestyle? Gerard, I’m gay. And you…”

Mikey stops. He thinks for a moment about what this would mean to his family. To Gerard’s life. To his future. Even if things had been hard on him, that didn’t mean they had to be for his brother. He still loved him too much. Even with all the anger and resentment. Outing him would not solve any of his problems. It could only make things bigger. And he knew how Gerard was. How much this would affect him mentally.

His boyfriend had told him to do it anyway. That someone hypocritical like him didn’t deserve the respect he was giving him. That he was lending him more sympathy than he would do to him. Mikey knew he was probably right about all of it. Pete usually was. But it didn’t make things any easier. Instead, he stops for a moment and reconsiders all of it again. How things could all be different in a matter of seconds. All from those words he was holding onto. 

“Yes?”

“You…” Mikey starts, then regrets it. If he were to say what he wants to, it would change their lives forever. Instead, he says, “You are my brother…”

“Of course, and I want to support you.”

Gerard responds to him. Mikey doubts his words.

“Then why don’t you? Is it so hard to believe a man could love another man, Gerard?”

His brother asks him, pushing the subject a little further. He’s afraid to actually say it. But he hopes Gerard will get the message. He cannot be that naive. 

“I-”

Gerard starts, but gets interrupted.

“Do you have any idea of what it’s like? To have to hide who you are?”

Mikey continues, more passionate than before. Maybe his brother isn’t fully ready. But he hopes his words can be of any help. It’s not exactly what he wants to say, but it’s just as close as he will get to it. Gerard is confused by it all. He’s not sure what he could be referring to. He doesn’t think Mikey knows about Frank. So what is he talking about? Gerard frowns, taken aback by what he is telling him.

“I don’t know, Mikey.”

That's all Gerard tells him. To him, it feels like enough. 

“Are you sure?”

Mikey pushes the subject again. 

“What are you trying to say?”

Gerard asks, almost offended by it. 

“You tell me!”

Mikey insists. He hopes this will be enough. It’s so clear what he is hinting at. His brother has to stop playing dumb. It’s all becoming frustrating. There’s no chance this man can be that clueless to him. But Gerard still looks just as confused as before. Shrugging his arms before saying:

“I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“You’re just jealous of me.” Mikey starts, “Cause I get to be myself. And you get to be this.”

He had been in a similar position before, he thinks. Being closeted had been hell to him. He didn’t like having to hide Pete from his parents or calling him his friend. He didn’t like not being able to visit gay bars and meet more people like him. He didn’t like feeling like he was doing something wrong every time he was himself.

And maybe Gerard understood that, he believed. They weren’t so different after all. If Gerard was attracted to his roommate. If he was willing to do things with him. What was the limit? Did he realize that there didn’t need to be one? The only person making it difficult seemed to be himself. Mikey didn’t understand it. 

“Mikey, I can support you. Between us two, if we-”

Gerard tries to say, thinking the subject is still about Mikey and not him. Gerard is willing to try for him. To be there for him. To not be judgmental of him. It is his brother after all. And losing him had been terrible. That had to be what was most important right now. It was all he was thinking about.

“No, not in secret. Be a man! That’s what you always used to say.”

His brother interrupts him, not liking where he is going. 

“Dad’s not going to be happy about this.”

“Dad’s an idiot. Why do you want to be like him? Don’t you realize how fucked up he is?”

Mikey continues, hoping it will knock some sense into him. After all, they had grown together. There had been plenty of times when he had seen his dad’s poor behavior. In the way he treated them, and even towards his mom. It had been painful growing up with him. Even if Gerard was the clear favorite, he had also lived plenty of bad memories with him. Mikey considered mentioning some of them.

“I’m just trying to keep this family together.”

Gerard tells him. His brother rolls his eyes. It sounds like empty platitudes for him. Family is important to him, too, yes. But his own happiness is more. And those two subjects do not seem to get along. Gerard should know this already. He thinks about emotional intelligence again. And that maybe his brother could use some stern talks with him.

“Then you should defend me. You are my brother.”

“I’ll… I’ll do my best, alright? I’m here. Okay? I’ll be here for you.”

The man says. It’s as best as he can do right now. And Mikey understands that, too. His hands are tied in many ways. 

“I appreciate that.”

Mikey is getting a little tired already. 

“And we can hang out again, Mikes! I’ve missed you. I really have”

Gerard tells him, finally admitting some of his feelings. It makes Mikey feel a little relieved. At least he can talk about some of them. 

“I’ve missed you, too, Gerard. This year has been the worst.”

“I’m really sorry for leaving.”

His brother goes to hug him. Something he would normally never dare to do. Mikey sighs. Perhaps this is as good as things can get at the moment. But he hopes Gerard will do better next time. He doesn’t want to lose more time without him around. At least he doesn't seem to be as deadly scared of showing affection as he used to be. That’s some improvement. 

Gerard offers him the most comforting words he can. His brother is aware it’s not easy for him either. Gerard clearly has some problems himself. And is probably too concerned with “acting like a man” to solve them. He’s at least trying, though. That means something to him. Even if he’s still not sure what his next actions will be. He clearly at least wants something that is good for both of them. Something that keeps them together.

After a few more talks about how they had missed each other. How they hated their dad. And how they were absolutely not going to let this happen again. Both of them seem exhausted with the subject. Things may not be the best right now, but they are better than before. Mikey suggests playing some video games, hoping it can take their minds off it for some time. It was something that always bonded them.

“Sure, I’ll just get my controller from my roommate's room. He borrowed it.”

Gerard tells him.

“Your roommate?"

Mikey repeats. He thinks about Pete’s words again. Who this man really is. What he represents. Frank. His boyfriend had said. The man who was showing his brother who he could be. It was a little intimidating to actually hear him mention it.

“Yeah, yeah. He moved in recently, Frank. He took it last night, I think.”

Gerard says, trying to change the subject. He doesn’t want to say much about Frank. It’s still a subject that makes him nervous. Fearing that if he’s not careful, he could say more than he should.

“You guys getting along well?”

Mikey asks him.

“For sure. He’s very chill.”

“Hang out a lot?”

Mikey pushes again.

“Uh- I guess?”

Gerard responds, confused by the question. He’s not sure why his brother would need clarification. He doesn’t want to say more about him. What else could he possibly want to know? It’s becoming very clear he doesn’t want to say much more.

“Sounds nice…”

Is all he dares to say.

“You’ll meet him eventually.”

“I’d love to”

Mikey smiles. 

His brother leaves for a moment, then comes back with the video game controller. The two of them play one of Gerard’s favorite games. Mikey gets the old beat-up controller, but he still manages to win more than him. Gerard just laughs and pretends he doesn’t care. But really, he is competitive, and hates that his brother is a lot better than him at the game.

After losing a few more times, Gerard suggests changing the game. They play an easier one based on luck mostly. Mikey still manages to win. By this point, Gerard has truly accepted it. Maybe he likes video games more, but he’s still not that good at them. At least he has fun playing with his brother still. And not talking about that subject they are both done with.

Gerard gets up and says he’s going to use the restroom. Mikey simply nods, but his mind quickly starts planning. The moment he hears Gerard leaving and closing the bathroom door, he gets up too. He still remembers where Gerard’s room is. So he opens the door next to it. The one with the man who has caused all of this mess. Frank is shocked to see him. Gerard had mentioned his brother coming over. But he didn’t expect to actually meet him. It becomes very clear that just like with Gerard, he seems to have some issues with privacy. 

Frank didn’t really have an opinion on Mikey yet. He knew he was Pete’s boyfriend, but had never gotten the chance to see him in person. Most of what he knew about him was things Gerard had mentioned in passing. They were supposedly close. Enough for Frank not to freak out when he opened the door. 

“I know what you’re doing”

The strange man wearing glasses says. Frank opens his mouth wide before speaking. He’s not sure what he should say. Still too surprised by him coming to his room like this. 

“I’m sorry?”

Frank says, pretending not to know what he could be inferring. 

“Stay away from him.” 

Mikey insists. He knows Pete is very unhappy about the possibility of them being together. And he’s not sure about this Frank guy either. While he doesn’t know him aside from what Pete has told him, he doesn’t sound like the right fit for him. Really, he feels like he’s doing him a favor. That staying with his brother is only going to hurt both of them.

Maybe Gerard still needs some time to navigate what he’s feeling. Being with his roommate doesn’t sound like it will be of any help. To him, it’s only destructive. He needs a real relationship. And maybe some counseling. Whatever happens first. He doesn’t want Frank to get in the middle of it. He doesn’t trust him or his intentions. 

“I don’t…”

Frank tries to say.

“Don’t be fucking stupid,” Mikey tells him, “Leave my brother alone.”

In his mind, this is the best thing that could happen. Gerard needs to find himself. To realize that he can be much better than he is currently. Sleeping around will only make it more confusing. He assumes this Frank guy is nothing but a fling. And that’s not what he needs. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Is all that Frank dares to say. Mikey closes the door angrily.

***

The two of them are on the living room’s couch together. Gerard sits as Frank lies down next to him. Frank rests his head on top of Gerard’s legs. Both of them feel very relaxed next to each other. For a long time, they stay in silence watching the television. It’s some horror show Gerard had recommended. Frank is still busy enjoying being with him to care. He doesn’t even like horror, he just likes spending time with him.

The man starts to caress his head. Frank smiles at the feeling. This is how they should always be, he thinks. Next to each other. Not worrying about anything. It feels so good to have him like this, even if he knows it’s all so temporary. It’s still as good as life gets to him. He doesn’t miss home. He likes being here. With the man he shouldn’t be with.

“You’re so soft…”

Gerard says and continues running his fingers through his hair. This feels so intimate. But it’s not scary. At least not for the time being. It feels so natural. Like they could stay like this forever. Frank holds onto Gerard’s hand and keeps it next to his face. It feels so comforting to have him so near him. Touching him, making him feel safe. He could really get addicted to this.

“Hmmmmm”

“So soft…”

The man repeats.

“Almost like a girl?”

Frank asks. He’s not sure what he should expect. 

Better, Gerard thinks in his head. This is so unlike what being with a woman feels like to him. This feels so forbidden, but so right. It’s almost concerning to him how at peace he feels just touching him. This shouldn’t feel so special, but it does. Better. He thinks about saying it again, but doesn’t dare to. It could make Frank get the wrong idea. That seems to be the case already.

Much better. But it’s not something he can admit. Not to Frank. And not to himself. It still feels like taking a step too far. 

“Almost…” 

Is all Gerard says. But it doesn’t make Frank feel any less content with this. 

Frank gets up, then finally sits down next to his side. Gerard already knows what he’s going to do, he smiles. Frank is now the one holding Gerard’s face. Pulling him closer towards him. He pushes his lips against his. Gerard quickly reacts, moving back. They meet very slowly, and it feels even more intimate. It makes Frank feel like he’s so lucky. He gets to have him. For this moment, he gets to be with him. It’s so satisfying. When their kiss ends, Frank stays close to him, just looking at him. Gerard feels a little nervous about what he could say next. He looks determined. 

“Would you be with me even if I’m not?”

Frank asked him. 

“Be with you how?”

Gerard answers with another question. The man hesitates for a moment, a little nervous to elaborate. Frank holds onto Gerard’s hand. Then looks into his eyes again.

“Like you know… Go all the way”

He finally says out loud. Gerard moves his hand away from him, feeling taken aback by it. But this is not something new to Frank. This is something he had been thinking about endlessly. Maybe it’s what they need. Maybe it’s just the next step. It just feels right. Like he’s finally ready for it.

“Frank, I-”

“You said we could try other things”.

Frank says, and looks a little worried that Gerard could reject him. It’s not what he expected. He assumed he would agree immediately. Wasn’t that what this was about to him anyway? Sex. Feelings for later. It’s how things have been like so far.

But Gerard knows it’s so much more than that. If things were so simple, they would have gotten down to it already. Frank was so obviously interested in him. It doesn’t feel like it would be the right thing for him. It would only make them get closer, and they were already doing so much. Maybe he would have agreed to it weeks ago. But at the moment, it simply felt like it would mean something different. Like this was really happening. And he could not escape it. 

“Yeah, but… I don’t know… You really want to right now?”

“Are you scared?”

Frank asked him, tilting his head. This is not going how it was supposed to in his head.

“N-No! It’s not a big deal…”

Gerard shrugs his arms and pretends like it’s not important to him. Like he doesn’t know what it would mean between them. The other man is surprised. Could he be feeling what he was? He hoped that was the case. 

“It’s gonna be my first time”

Frank reminds him, thinking it could be important. He’s not sure if it’s going to make a difference to Gerard. Whether good or bad. It just feels important to disclose it. While he may not be experienced, he would try to make it good for Gerard. It’s something he is very clear about. And he hopes the other man knows that too. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

But to Gerard, it feels like it is. He’s not sure if he wants to take Frank’s virginity. Not like this. To him, he deserves something better. He doesn’t feel adequate for it. It only gives him another reason to believe it may be too much too fast. This is something a lot more personal than it would have been before. 

“You've never been with a girl either?”

Gerard now asks him. Maybe that’s what he means. That it's his first time with a man. He had mentioned that before. That would make more sense to him. Surely there had to be some women before, though. Right?

“No,” Frank then admits, “I don’t like girls, Gerard."

The man had considered it before, but didn’t expect Frank to actually say it. This would mean that what he was doing with Gerard was more than experimenting. That it wasn’t something to just pass the time together. This confirmation changed things for Gerard. It made him want to reaffirm to him:

“I like girls.”

“And you like me”

Frank answers him. Gerard laughs, but is starting to feel uncomfortable. Frank is doing that thing again. When he makes his head a real mess. And makes him feel a lot of confusing things. Maybe doing this at all had not been a good idea.

“Yeah, but… I’m not gay.” Gerard then adds, “You realize that, right?”

There’s something in Frank’s eyes that changes. The excitement he felt has turned to disappointment. Maybe he had been expecting too much from him again. Maybe he needed more time, it’s all he could tell himself. But he was saddened by it. It was a bad reminder of how things were at the moment. 

He wonders if Gerard had really been reflecting on things like he had said he would. Would a man who was trying say that? Frank wasn’t sure. But he still believed there was more to what Gerard said out loud. That behind what he showed, there were so many feelings he didn’t want to mention. It would explain a lot of things about their relationships. He tried not to think about Pete’s words again.

“So you don’t want to… Try it with me?”

Frank says, and tries not to look too upset. In reality, he can’t believe this is happening. He regrets suggesting anything at all. Clearly, he had been misjudging the entire thing. It makes him feel ashamed. Like he exposed a little too much. Showing emotions that were best to keep hidden. 

Gerard’s not sure how to cheer him up. Or if he can at all. Frank’s mood has completely changed. And he doesn’t like seeing him like this. He wishes he could go back to how they were feeling before. Talking about this just felt a little too personal. Like something a couple would discuss seriously. And this, he wasn’t sure what it was. Or what he wanted it to be. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just- Don’t you want it to be special?”

The man explains and hopes he sounds reasonable. To him, maybe Frank is the one confused. He doesn't understand why he would want, out of all people, to be with him. Although he desires Frank in many ways. Including this one. He still feels like Frank should be put first. And that if he were to do that, he deserved something better. Something less complicated. They were only creating a mess by being together.

“If it’s with you, it’s going to be special.”

Frank says. 

“I don’t know about that.”

Frank still believes it will be. No matter what Gerard says. He knows that in his heart, Gerard’s the right person. And that he wouldn’t want it to be someone else. He wishes Gerard would understand this. That he would finally open his eyes and realize this could actually happen. That if he was to accept who he was, they could be together. No matter what other people said. They could have something real between them.

“You can have me,” Frank tells him, in a lower voice. “Don’t be scared. I won’t judge you.”

“I’m not scared.” Gerard immediately responds, “I just don’t think it’s the time.”

“It’s okay. I understand”

He didn’t. But maybe it was time to change the subject. It didn’t feel like it would be the night, or that it would be soon. Those were not the news he wanted. Still, he could accept them. It was Gerard’s decision too. And he seemed to be in a different place than him.

“I’ll think about it.”

Gerard says.

“Really?”

Frank gets closer. Gerard gulps, thinking he could want more than he can give him. 

“Yeah, let’s just do something else for tonight, okay?”

Chapter Text

After his last conversation with Pete, Frank had been questioning his friends. They simply seemed to think so differently from him. And he was starting to really dislike it. Pete had also not been the kindest with him before, and it was not something he was going to forget. They had barely been texting each other during the past few days. Only replying in short answers, and going hours without responding. This was not how things usually were between them. But neither of them seemed to want to let this issue go. 

Still, he had agreed to see them. It was part of his people-pleasing nature. Being angry or rude was not an option in his mind. Instead, most of the options were “yes”, “please”, and “I’m sorry”. Besides, he had known them longer than he had known Gerard. And Frank was not someone who gave up on people easily. Even when said people were really testing his nerves. Even when said people were mostly right about things so far.

Throwing away his friendships over a man would be wrong, no matter what man this was. Still. Things felt awkward. They sat at their usual booth, far away from the other people at the cafe. This had really become their spot together. Frank did not like it at the moment, though. He had spent most of the afternoon quietly, looking at his coffee.

“Everything alright, Frank?”

Ray asks, concerned. Frank usually had plenty of things to say. Even if they were mostly about Gerard. Clearly, something was stopping him from speaking. 

“Yeah… It’s just…”

Frank starts, taking a long pause.

“Frank, if you talk about Gerard, I will kill you.”

Pete says, and it makes Ray laugh. Frank is not as amused, though. He rolls his eyes and looks elsewhere. This is exactly how he had known things would go. To him, they were just biased. They didn’t know Gerard or what they had going on. It was so much more than what they could comprehend. They mostly only knew about the bad parts, and to Frank, that had to be the reason for their disapproval. 

“Then I won’t say anything.”

Frank responds to him, trying to act like it doesn’t bother him. Really, he wants to talk about Gerard. A lot. And he’s angry Pete won’t let him. These reunions are the only times of the week when he gets to vent about what’s happening. It feels frustrating not being able to do this time. Like they are taking away something important for him. One of the few joys of his weeks. 

“Guys, c’mon. Let’s not fight over this.” Ray interjects, “We have to respect Frank’s boyfriend”.

“He’s not his boyfriend.”

Pete informs him. This time, Ray frowns. He assumed that if Frank had told Pete, it meant they were finally together. Surely he wouldn’t be doing all this otherwise. But he had been wrong. Frank’s not sure what he should consider Gerard. But he understands that boyfriend may be a lot. So he can’t even correct him. Instead, he stays silent and looks at him as if he had said something offensive.

“He’s not?”

Ray asks, surprised by it.

“We are still figuring things out.”

Now Frank responds. He’s being truthful in a way. And to him that should be enough. Sure, Gerard had still not declared they were together. But he was spending more time with him. They were doing comfy, platonic things. Yeah, they didn’t have pet names or dates. Yet to him, it was only a matter of time before they started to. So far, Gerard had been getting closer to him, and even he would admit it.

But there were still no mentions of dating. Frank was still unsure as to what they were doing. Surely they had to be getting somewhere. Right? Gerard wouldn’t be cruel enough to waste his time. Right? Frank feels anxious simply from thinking about it. Things had been going well. It just wasn’t enough. And he knew that. Gerard always seemed to give him enough for him to stay. But never quite what he was asking for.

“…How’s that working out for you?”

Ray asks him now. 

“I just don’t want to pressure him.”

Frank believed it would do more harm than good. To push Gerard into a decision felt wrong to him. He had said he would wait, and he needed to keep that promise. If he didn’t, maybe things would only get bad. Like what happened before with their conversation about going further. It made him realize maybe he was asking for a lot. It made him justify giving things more time. Enough for Gerard to have his head a little more together.

After all, he looked happier. They talked more. They spent time together. It was making him feel like there was progress being made already. A reason to believe it was all going to be worth it in the end. That was all he could hope for. That one day, Gerard was going to wake up as a different person. Someone wiser, softer, more understanding. Someone who could actually be with him. 

“Mikey said he dumped his girlfriend. Is that true?”

Pete says this time. Mikey had plenty to say after visiting Gerard. His brother had surprisingly opened up about a lot of things. Not about the most important, though. But still enough for Mikey to realize he had been changing. And enough for him to question if this change was good or not. This Frank guy was clearly having some effect on him. The gossiping seemed to work both ways, too. Pete would hate Gerard more, and Mikey would blame Frank for everything. It kept each other entertained for at least an entire afternoon. 

“I’m not going to talk about his private stuff, guys”.

Frank tells them both. Neither of them believes him at all. 

“You already told us all your business!”

Pete says, louder this time. That’s part of what had been the problem in the first place. How Frank could be this blind was now the mystery to him. Sure, they were his friends. But that didn’t mean they needed to hear him talk about how badly he wanted Gerard a hundred times. Let alone knowing what Gerard was like. They almost missed the old Frank. The one who never got crushes, love interests, or action. Things were a lot more peaceful back then. 

“I won’t this time”

Frank adds.

“Alright, just tell us what’s bothering you”.

Ray intervenes again, trying to help him out.

“I think I’m ready for my first time…”

Frank says, and both of his friends are done with this. This is not the information they needed at all. Pete had assumed they had gotten to that stage already. So he’s surprised, but doesn’t want to hear a single more word about it. It only makes what they were doing even weirder. Frank had not gone into details about what exactly the things they did were, but now he had a good idea of what it was. Great. He was really glad Mikey was not going to hear about this one. 

“Frank!”

Ray puts his fist on the table. This was not something he wanted to learn about his friend. Ever.  

“Was that too much?”

Frank asks, already knowing the answer. 

“No more Gerard talk at the coffee shop. He is banned, Frank. Banned”

Ray goes, pointing at him and trying to make a point. Pete nods with his head, agreeing with what his friend is saying. Frank wants to fight this decision. Still, he knows it’s probably useless. His friends clearly had already taken sides. They were with anyone but Gerard. At this point, he’s not even sure if they like him either. It doesn’t feel that way in times like this. 

Unfortunately for them, Frank was very sensitive. Every criticism of Gerard felt like an attack on him. He had never liked someone this much before. This made these conversations a lot more difficult. But every aspect of his life seemed to revolve around him. And if they didn’t want to talk about Gerard, they may as well kick him out, too. 

“You guys never support me.”

Frank tells both of them, then starts drinking his iced coffee. Pretending like this did not bother him.

“Cause you keep doing stupid things! Like Gerard!” 

Ray insists.

***

“You know, even after what happened, I’d always be there for you”.

Mikey says. The two of them are watching football together. A team that neither of them likes, but anything is good enough to watch and drink a beer. This is what they normally did on weekends before. Both of them had been really happy to get back to this. Just watching games and not thinking about any of their problems for a few hours. It was really healing for them in a way.

“Ah, thanks, man.”

Gerard goes, then goes back to looking at the TV screen. He’s not sure what Mikey means, but he can take it. It sounds nice enough. His brother sometimes tells him things he doesn’t quite get, but he doesn’t mind it. It’s easier for him to tell himself it will make sense later. And that even if it doesn’t, he must have meant no harm.

“Like, no matter what”

Mikey repeats. This time, his brother doesn’t turn to him. Just thinks about what he should say. Is that a good thing? He hopes it is. It’s hard to tell, though. This seems to be specific. 

“Got it”

Gerard says, a little confused now. He nods with his head like he understands, though.

“Like even, if you were to do something our parents didn’t approve of. I’d be there for you.”

Mikey now adds. It takes Gerard by surprise. He doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything of the sort currently. Unless he was referring to that one thing, the one he couldn’t talk about. But that couldn’t be the case, though, he assumed. It would make no sense. Frank had kept quiet. Still. This was sounding weird. 

Maybe it could be about Lyn? Drinking? Drugs? Was this about drugs? Were there any other vices he had that he was not remembering? Mikey was a good brother. He never ratted him out. Not even when they were growing up, and he could have easily done it. Mikey had always put Gerard first. Even in the times when Gerard had not been so kind to him.

“Cool”

Is all Gerard says this time. He stops smiling. He wants his brother to drop this already. It is starting to get weird to him. 

“Cause I know it’s hard. And I would have liked to have someone with me during what happened to me.”

Mikey continues. This brings back the subject they had promised to leave behind. While it’s momentarily, it still makes Gerard feel a little uncomfortable. 

“That’s good to know.” Gerard tells him, this time turning to see him, “I can’t think of anything like that, but I get you”.

He goes, hoping this is finally the end of it. What did Mikey even want? Gerard considered himself a good son. Nothing to worry about. At most, they would be saddened that he was not with Lyn anymore. But that was still his choice. Surely they would understand it. It wasn’t the end of the world.

“Gerard”

Mikey insists. Gerard’s getting frustrated. His attitude is changing. He just wants to watch this game and stop talking in riddles with his brother. They are clearly not getting anywhere with this. They are both unsatisfied with each other's answers. Mikey starts to realize he’s not getting anywhere without asking him.

“Yes?”

“Is Frank just your roommate?”

Mikey finally asks him directly. 

“Oh,” Gerard stops, then says, “He’s my friend too.”

“Cause again, I wouldn’t judge”

His brother insists. Gerard can’t believe what he’s implying. He knew that there were stereotypes. How some closeted people had “roommates”. They had an aunt like that. But he didn’t think his brother would assume that. It was crazy. To him, there was nothing to suggest that would be the case. He felt a little offended that his brother had jumped to that conclusion.

He was right. Very right. To a point, it was almost scary. But Gerard didn’t like it. No one needed to know about what Frank and he did. It was not something he would tell anyone. Still believing that he was doing something wrong in some way. But enjoying it anyway. He believed this was normal. To do something, feel guilty, then do it again. It’s how he had always lived. Mikey would have understood what he meant, but he wasn’t letting him.

“You think I’m in love with my roommate or something?”

Gerard says, but doesn’t expect him to take it seriously.

“I didn’t say that.”

Mikey says loudly. He’s still waiting for Gerard to come clean about things. It’s so obvious to him anyway. He looks nervous. And that was a very weird thing to say. Mikey is not going to forget about it. It only confirmed it more to him. Whatever he had going on with Frank was weird, but very real.

He hoped his brother could just admit it. There was nothing to be ashamed of. It was not an optimal situation. But it didn’t mean he was doing something he couldn’t or shouldn’t do. If he wanted to be with men, that was more than fine by him. Why wasn’t Gerard okay with it? He was the one making it confusing. 

Mikey thought about Frank again. How Pete had described him. Timid. Submissive. “Easy to step on”. He could not imagine a worse pairing for his brother. Gerard was not ready for a relationship. Let alone for whatever this was. Gerard needed to wake up and face who he was. Not someone who was willing to stay in mediocrity. Pete had already told Frank that it would never work. Mikey had tried to warn him, too. This guy was clearly some type of masochist they couldn’t reason with.

“We’re friends.”

Gerard assures him. But Mikey is still not convinced. 

“Okay. Well, if you ever-”

His brother starts to say, but Gerard continues:

“It sounds like you’re judging.”

“I’m not! Gerard, you can tell me anything. I’m your brother.”

Mikey insists, hoping this time he will get the right answer. 

“I like Frank. A lot. Mind your business.”

Gerard tells him instead.

***

It was finally his day off again. The entire week had been slow, but peaceful. Frank could really take his mind off things. And having Mikey around made it even better. Still, he needed to sabotage himself in some way. It was part of his nature. Things were simply too content. Too quiet. Too easy for him. He needed to fix that one way or the other. Especially with how his last conversation with Mikey had gone. He felt like he had to do some damage. 

Frank did not have plans. Resting on the couch as he watched TV in the living room. But really, he was just waiting for Gerard to come out. He did not care about the show on the screen at all. Every couple of minutes, he would catch himself looking at the time on his phone. As if Gerard was taking too long. Leaving him hanging. But they had not agreed to anything by that point.

When he heard Gerard’s door open from a distance, he was more excited than he would admit. As every step started getting closer, Frank was already planning scenarios in his head. Looking for the one that wouldn’t let him get rejected. 

“I’m gonna go out.”

Gerard tells him. Before, he wouldn’t have warned him at all. He would just be out constantly. But now they were spending more time together. It felt right to at least say something. Even when he wasn’t sure if Frank should care at all. 

“Can I go with you?”

Frank asks without really thinking. He quickly grabs the TV remote and turns the show off. It becomes clear he wasn’t really watching. He turns to Gerard instead, waiting for him to respond. Hoping it’s a yes. 

“I was kinda planning on going by myself.”

“You don’t want me to go with you?”

Frank tries, hoping it can make him reconsider. He gives him pleading eyes, and Gerard actually feels uneasy. Maybe it’s a little manipulative. But does he ever play fair with him? Frank doesn’t feel wrong for asking. In fact, he feels wrong for not having tried it before.

“Don’t you work at a bar? You must be sick and tired of it.”

He was. If it were possible to, Frank would work anywhere else. It was something he fantasized about a lot. Not caring for the noise, the people, or the vibes. What Gerard wanted him to do would completely ruin his day off plans. It would be a chore more than anything. Still, a chore with Gerard was better than staying by himself. 

“No, I love it!” Frank says instead “We can go out together.”

“I don’t know.”

Gerard responds, looking elsewhere. This feels personal. Almost like a date. It’s the type of thing he was avoiding before. If Frank were to take it the wrong way, it could really ruin things for them. And things had been going well. 

“You’re gonna leave me all by myself? All night?”

Frank insists, as if he were scared of it. Gerard doesn't fall for the theatrics. At least not entirely. 

“You don’t even like partying. You’re here all the time.”

The man says. He knows he’s right. There is no debate. Frank was quiet. Kept to himself. Even when he drank, he did it alone. When he went out, he saw his close group of friends and came back early. Never even invited them over. As if a few hours together were more than enough for him. 

Most of his time would be spent reading, playing guitar, and waiting for Gerard to come home. It was not something he would complain about. He liked having his own space. And if someone were to invade it, he liked it when it was Gerard. But only him. Anyone else would really upset him. If it were his choice, he would probably spend all of his time at home. 

“I wanna go with you”

Frank tries one more time, knowing what Gerard said was right. There is not even a point in responding to it. 

“Fine,” Gerard finally says, “But we’re not gonna hold hands or anything weird like that.”

“We could also just stay here. Together”

Frank tells him, smiling. He starts getting up from the couch and seems to want to get closer. Gerard thinks for a moment. A safe thing here. Or something unpredictable there. What a choice.

“No, let’s go out. Do something fun. We’re friends. Right?”

The smile disappears from Frank's face. It’s so painful to hear it again. 

“Right”

***

The place was loud. Crowded. Dark. Exactly the type of place Frank did not like. But where Gerard felt like he belonged. It was one of his favorite spots in the city. A place Frank had never visited and would prefer not to come back to. They pushed their way through the people dancing. They had said they wouldn’t hold hands, and they were trying not to. Frank would try to follow Gerard’s back and pray he wouldn’t lose him among the sea of people. 

This is not how he would have liked things to go. It was better than staying by himself at home. But this place felt so unwelcoming. So overstimulating. A place where he wished he wasn’t in. He wondered if this was where Gerard spent most of his nights out. He hoped it wasn’t. It looked sketchy. The type of place where people dealt drugs and fought. 

At some point, Frank tried moving the wrong person to the side. Cause whoever he pushed pushed back even harder. And almost knocked him to the floor. When he turned back to Gerard, he was gone. Lost somewhere in that dark place filled with people. Frank immediately panicked, looking around aimlessly. He did not know or like this place. But now he was stuck.

Frank yells his name, but gets no attention. The more strangers surround him, the more nervous he gets. He doesn’t want to be alone in a place like this. Surely Gerard would have protected him if things got ugly. But if he was by himself? He feared he would push the wrong person again. 

He starts heading towards the bar area. Hoping that there he can grab his phone and call Gerard easier. He tries to avoid the people dancing and moving. Finally making his way to the bar after a few failed attempts. There is still no trace of Gerard anywhere. There he meets him. 

“Can you give me your number?”

A stranger tells him. He looks to be a similar age to him. Taller. More attractive than the regulars at his bar. But that mattered little to him. That was not the person he wanted. 

“I’m here with my…” Frank pauses, “Friend”

“Your what?”

The man asks, confused. He’s not sure if he heard him

right. Surely not. He starts getting into Frank’s space. Making him feel anxious. Frank immediately wants him far away. But he’s nervous. And fears being rude more than he should. His people-pleasing nature is going to be the end of him, he knows this already.

“My friend…”

Frank repeats, louder this time. But he feels terrible as he does. Those are not the words he should be calling him. They feel so impersonal. So hollow. So unlike what he feels like he has with Gerard.

It feels so insulting to have to say it like that. Friend. How humiliating. The man he kisses, cuddles, and experiments with. Having to call him a friend. It makes Frank feel shame. But he can’t call it anything else, he knows this. And it really does mess with him. He wished things with Gerard were evolving faster. And that he didn’t have to spend his time doing things like this.

Ray was a friend. They talked a lot. Meet up every other week. Share stuff with. Sometimes drink. The things he would do with Gerard were not like the things he would do with him. So why couldn’t he call a spade a spade? These were strangers anyway. Why couldn’t they at least hold hands? All of it wouldn’t have happened if they had, he realizes. 

“You're funny.” He smiles, “Let me buy you a drink.”

“I’m not interested.”

Frank insists, shaking his head. 

“C’mon, just one drink.”

He tells him, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

It makes Frank immediately flinch. But he doesn’t know what to do at first. Part of him wants to say something hostile. The other wants to stay peaceful and not get stabbed. He doesn’t like this place. He definitely doesn’t like the people there. And he really wished he could leave already. After a few moments, he gets the courage to push his hand away. Making a face as if he found it disgusting. He hopes that gives him the right message.

Gerard can only see the back of the two of them. He’s close enough to recognize Frank. But not the other man. When he had put his hand around Frank, he had done nothing at first. Gerard caught that. He did not like it. By the time Frank had moved him away, he was already furious. It was too late. When he reaches both of them, it’s obvious he’s upset. And Frank immediately panics. He knows this does not look good on him. 

“Fuck you.”

Is all Gerard says. Frank’s not sure if he’s talking to him or towards the stranger. Either way, it’s no good. He looks like he wants both of them gone.

“We are together,” Frank tells the stranger, then points at Gerard, “We came here together.”

“We were just talking.”

He says, trying to relax the situation. It’s becoming very clear to him that Gerard is not just Frank’s “friend”. He doesn’t understand why Frank would lie. It only got both of them in trouble. It wasn’t worth it. 

“Get the fuck away from me.”

Gerard replies so aggressively that it makes strangers turn their heads. The stranger laughs, but is clearly really nervous. The situation feels so tense, and he’s only making it worse. 

Frank doesn’t understand why he’s overreacting this much. They were supposed to be visiting as friends. Those were his own words. It was clearly a misunderstanding. He could explain that if he had just given him a chance. And not punch this complete stranger. Gerard was the only one making this bigger than it was. 

It’s all so overwhelming. Frank can barely focus with all the noise and people surrounding them. But he does understand Gerard’s upset. He looked at the other man like he wanted to hit him. This was not how the night was supposed to go. Frank doesn’t know what to say, or if he should say anything at all. He looks at Gerard, scared, as if the anger was at him. 

“Easy, easy”

The man tells him, taken aback by the reaction. But he’s already prepared to walk away. Before Gerard can even say something back, he’s already gone. Making his way back to the dance floor. Leaving the two men just as upset as they were before. He knew staying would only make things get even worse. 

Frank is glad to see him gone. If he had stayed a moment more, he feared what Gerard would have done. They were sober still. But he wasn’t acting that way. He was acting like the type of person who got kicked out of Frank’s bar. The ones that got violent from one moment to the next. The ones he hated having to deal with. This was not the Gerard he normally dealt with.

“Who was that?”

Gerard asks him. The music is blasting really loudly, but Frank can understand him perfectly. Still, he almost wishes he didn’t.

“I don’t know!” Frank quickly responds, “They asked for my number.”

“Did you give it to them?”

Gerard says, but doesn’t look any more relaxed. Frank can’t even believe he would ask that. He feels like he has made his intentions very clear. He would not risk what they have over some stranger at a bar. He would not risk it for anyone. This is the man he has been wanting for longer than he should. Losing him would be the worst thing that could happen in his head. 

It’s almost insulting for him to ask. As if he were not trustworthy. As if they didn’t mean anything. It was obvious he didn’t realize how he was coming across. But it didn’t make it any less hurtful. Even someone like Frank had a limit, and this was getting close to it. He hated that he was doing this to him.

“No! Of course not!”

Frank replies loudly. 

“It looked like you did.”

“I didn’t!”

Frank says just as loud as before. 

“I’m going home.”

Gerard gets closer and tells him. 

“Wait. Don’t leave. Gerard, I really didn’t”

Frank replies. Before Frank can even react, he’s already trying to go. Pushing forcefully among the crowd of people next to them. Frank is now the one getting angry. This feels unfair. He did not lie. And there was no reason for him to think he did. He’s not letting this one go. 

***

“Gerard!” He screams. “Stop it.”

The two of them are heading towards Gerard’s vehicle. Gerard is a lot more ahead than Frank is. He’s practically inside the car while the other man is running towards him. But he doesn’t slow down at all. Not wanting to see him at the moment. Still too angry to think clearly about what’s happening.

Gerard gets into the vehicle and closes the door loudly. Frank quickly follows behind. And closes the door so hard he hopes it damages it. He doesn’t care at this point. He’s done with all of this. The two of them sit in silence for a few moments. Only hearing each other's breathing. Frank has so many things he wants to say. But he fears all of them.

“I’m just tired, okay!” Gerard says. “This was a bad idea.”

“Don’t do that again. You can’t just leave me when you feel like it.”

Frank crosses his arms. He is so angry that he could break into tears. But that’s not what he wants Gerard to see right now. Instead, he tries to remain calm. Keeping his voice low and still. Only responding when he feels ready to. Maybe Gerard lost his temper, but that didn’t mean he had to. Even if Gerard was a little older, he felt more mature than him at the moment. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay. This was stupid. Shouldn’t have done this.”

Gerard tells him, his breathing is becoming erratic. He’s feeling so frustrated. He hangs onto the steering wheel tightly. He still hasn’t started the car, and Frank hopes he doesn’t. This is not the right state of mind to be driving in. Frank even considers telling him he should be the one to take them home. 

“Calm down…”

Frank says. He reaches for Gerard’s hand and holds it softly, scared it will bother him. But it doesn’t. Gerard closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It becomes clear to him that Frank is right. And while it bothers him, he can’t change that. Frank looks at him carefully. This could either make or break things. So he waits. And hopes that for once, Gerard wouldn’t make them worse.

“I’m sorry, Frank. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

Gerard finally says. He lets go of the steering wheel and holds tightly to Frank instead. Feeling like it’s safer. And like it’s exactly what he needs at the moment. Frank almost wants to smile. Almost. Instead, he sighs. Already feeling exhausted by how the night has gone. Ready for all of it to end already. 

“Let’s go home,” Frank tells him, “It’s enough.” 

“You’re more than that to me.”

Gerard says, but doesn’t go into more detail. Still feeling some shame in all of this. He can’t help himself. Things do not feel any easier. He just knows he can’t hide this any longer. Hiding it only seems to be making his life more difficult. Frank waits a few moments before asking directly:

“More than what?”

“I don’t want you to be with someone else.”

Gerard tells him, still wanting to avoid the word. It’s still not the answer Frank wants to hear. He waits for a few moments before speaking again.

“More than what, Gerard?”

Frank repeats.

“More than that.”

“Good.” Frank responds, “I’m not your fucking friend, Gerard. Stop calling me that.”

It surprises both of them. Frank had never talked to him this way before. But he is tired. And at his limit. He doesn’t care about taking chances. 

Chapter Text

The car ride home was mostly quiet. Frank’s words lingered. Gerard didn’t say anything then, and he doesn’t have anything to say after. While they made their way home, he thought about everything again. This strange situation he had found himself in. One where he didn’t know what the next step should be.

He regretted trying to go out. He regretted taking Frank with him. And mostly, he regretted who he was. How jealous he had acted. How stupid he felt when Frank tried talking to him. And how much he wished he didn’t have that weird feeling in his chest every time they talked. To him, this was the worst thing that could have happened. All the good things with Frank were now ruined.

Of course, he knew how Frank was and that he would still give him another chance. But it didn’t make it any less concerning. As they entered the apartment, they were both still silent. Neither of them is really ready to continue their previous conversation. Instead, Gerard puts his keys on the counter and prepares to hide himself in his room. But before he can leave, he hears Frank’s voice:

“Gerard, I swear I didn’t give him my number.”

He insists one more time. Gerard’s confused. He thought the person who should be upset should be Frank. Why go back to this? Even if he had given him the number, he had little he could complain about. He referred to Frank as a friend. He was the one who had started all of it. It was something he wanted to forget about already. 

He goes back to Frank. Walking towards him in a rush, as if he feared he could lose him at any second. Gerard grabs him by the sides of his face and pulls him closer. Interlocking their lips messily. Frank moans into his mouth. He can’t help himself. He’s already missed this. He also wants to forget about all of it. Gerard opens his mouth as Frank does the same. Their tongues dance against each other as Gerard tries to pull on Frank’s shirt. It makes him immediately react. Putting his hands on top of Gerard’s, stopping him for a moment.

“What are you doing?”

Frank asks him, but he’s smiling. Gerard’s never seen him with his shirt off, and he’s a little nervous. But has never been more excited. This is the type of thing he can only fantasize about. To actually live it feels so surprising. But not in a bad way. If it were up to him, this would have already happened. A thousand times already. 

“Take it off.”

Gerard tells him.

“A-are you serious? R-right now?”

He insists, his face now red. This was not how things usually went in his head. But he was still more than happy with them. This was the type of thing Gerard only said in his imagination, never in real life. Something that he would think about before jerking off and waking up feeling terrible again. Not something that actually happened.

“You said you wanted to have fun. Let’s have fun.”

Gerard says, then starts kissing his neck, needing to taste more of him. Frank’s breathing becomes erratic, and he’s starting to feel nervous. Things with Gerard always felt limited. They could do some things, enough to keep him wanting more. But never all that he wanted. This felt different, though. A lot different. He realizes Gerard is now who wants more. 

“Okay…”

Frank says as he finally takes off the shirt. Gerard admires his body for a moment. His pale skin was covered in tattoos. How soft he looks. Thinking he shouldn’t have waited so long for this. Frank looks so beautiful, and he is so willing. It makes him regret having said no the first time.

They walk into Gerard’s room. Frank’s room doesn’t have condoms or anything useful for them. And Gerard’s feels safe, just like him. Frank’s nervous, walking slowly behind Gerard. He does feel ready, but this is just not how he had expected things to happen. In his mind, things would have gone a little smoother. Maybe candles. Maybe roses. But this is still with Gerard, and that’s what matters to him. Gerard takes off his own shirt and drops it on the floor. Frank stares at him for longer than he should. Recalling how things had been when they had met. Feeling almost nostalgic. Perhaps Gerard was right about him, he really was a romantic. 

Gerard smiles, but isn’t sure what Frank finds so interesting about his body. He starts unfastening his jeans in a rush. Before dropping them on the floor as well. Frank gulps and slowly starts doing the same, but feels a little ashamed of doing so. He knows Gerard wouldn’t be hurtful. But he still feels weird being exposed around someone else. Especially a man he is so infatuated with. The one he has been obsessing over for weeks now. His breathing is becoming more erratic as he sees Gerard reaching into one of his drawers. Looking for something specific. Frank takes a deep breath. This is finally happening, and he understands he needs to relax as much as he can. 

Gerard opens a bottle of lube and pours it on his digits. All Frank can do is watch in awe. He can’t believe this is the night. To finally be with Gerard. After all this waiting and pushing and pulling. A taste of what life could be like if they were to stay together for longer than a few hours. For longer than one of the usual encounters, which he enjoyed, but were starting to feel like they were not enough. This was different, though. This was so much closer than anything they had done before. Something more intimate, and something he had been longing for. Maybe it wouldn’t be enough to make Gerard stick around forever. But it was at least as much of him as he could possibly get. 

Frank bends over on Gerard’s bed. His breathing is hard, and his chest is beating so much faster than usual. He is a little scared to finally do this. But he also can’t wait. The man pushes the first finger inside him. There’s a burning sensation as his body gets used to the feeling. But Frank tries to take a deep breath and tells himself he can do this. That it’s all going to be okay. It’s only going to hurt at first, he tells himself. This is all going to be worth it. 

“Ah fuck…”

Frank says as Gerard pushes another digit inside him. The feeling burns at first, but it’s manageable. This time, he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable. His body was already prepared for the stretching. Gerard pushes his fingers slowly inside him, building a pace as Frank moans quietly. Frank closes his eyes and tries to relax more. To focus on his breathing and how good it feels when Gerard accidentally hits his sweet spot. This is just to prepare, he understands this and doesn’t want to touch himself yet.

“You really didn’t?”

Gerard asks him again, then adds another digit inside him. This time, Frank can handle it a lot better. But Gerard’s question still lingers. It surprises him that they’re back on this subject again. This guy really struck a nerve with Gerard. Frank doesn’t even understand why. It should not be that big of a deal. He regrets having mentioned it at all when they got there. 

“Gerard, I’d never. I’m with you.”

Frank insists. Now Gerard finally pulls his digits out of him. Frank knows what’s next but still feels like he can’t believe it. He tries to calm down, to tell himself that this will all go okay. That Gerard will make it good for him. It’s all he can hope. As Gerard looks at his body from behind, and feels like he can’t believe how lucky he is. To have Frank like this, exposed, and waiting for him so eagerly. It’s almost like a dream. He doesn’t even understand what he did to deserve this, or if he does at all. 

He aligns himself against Frank’s entrance, as they both breathe hard and prepare. The man pushes into him slowly, burying himself into Frank’s warmth. Frank cries at the sensation. This hurts a lot more, but he still feels like he can take it. He grips onto the bedsheets, as if they were of any help. The burning sensation is getting worse, but he’s trying as best as he can to handle it. Gerard’s size is so much bigger than his fingers had been, and it’s not as easy to get used to it. Still, he knows this is only temporary. And he takes a deep breath and tries to relax himself again. 

“You okay?”

Gerard asks him, then stops. He’s waiting for Frank to confirm. 

“Y-yeah. I’m alright.”

Frank says and bites his lip. Now Gerard continues pushing, and this time he goes all the way. Frank cries harder this time, trying to get used to him. This is becoming easier than when they had started. And Frank’s actually starting to enjoy himself now, as he starts stroking himself through it. He’s fully hard now, trying to concentrate on Gerard’s movements. On how slow he is being, how gentle he’s treating him. On how good it feels to have him fully in control.

“Fuck… You’re so tight…”

The man says as he feels more of him. He is still being careful, setting up a slow pace as Frank gets used to this. It feels amazing to have him like this, but he also doesn’t want to be too rough on him. This is his first time, he remembers, and tells himself this needs to be special. The way that he had said it should be. His own enjoyment should be secondary, Frank should be above it all. And he’s moaning quietly under him, almost as if he were ashamed to be heard. But the gasps and cries are there, and they make Gerard feel more at ease. 

“Oh, Gerard…”

Frank starts stroking himself faster, loving how all of this feels so far. The pain, the pleasure, and the newness of it all. It feels intoxicating. To finally have Gerard like this. So close, so personal. As if Gerard owned him. This is so unlike anything else they’ve done before. This feels better. And so close, as if they were finally connected. All Frank had been wanting.

“So fucking tight…”

He says and starts groaning. Louder than he normally is. Sex can sometimes feel like a chore to him. But not this. This is so different from the sex he’s had with girls. This feels so close and so right. And the pleasure is simply so much better. He’s not sure how much of it is about gender and how much of it is just Frank being Frank. Things have never felt this good with his ex-girlfriends. Frank's body was so much different. Better. 

“Oh my god”

Frank cries out as he continues touching himself messily.

“You’re my girl”

Gerard tells him as he starts to build a soft pace inside him. Trying to get him used to his size. Frank feels overwhelmed with sensations. It’s all becoming too much for him. It feels good, but it also feels like a lot. 

The burning sensation is becoming a lot more manageable. He can finally focus on the other feelings he’s having, preferably the good ones. Like the ones he feels in his stomach when Gerard says this to him. It gets him good, he groans louder this time.

“Yes, yes!” Frank says as Gerard starts to pull on his hair tightly, “Your girl.”

“My girl…”

He repeats, the grip on his hair becoming a little looser. But Frank doesn’t mind the pain. It makes touching himself feel a lot better. That’s something he will remember. Gerard holds tightly to his hair again, so much so that Frank cries even harder. But he loves how it makes him feel. Like he really does belong to Gerard.

“Y-yes…”

“No one else can fuck you like this,” Gerard tells him, “Only I can.”

“God, it feels so good. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me”

Frank says as he touches himself. Gerard then hits his sweet spot for the first time. It makes him yell loudly and feel weak. He leaves his mouth hanging open as he cries out more. Gerard does it again. This time it feels even more intense. Frank starts stroking himself faster and messily. Feeling himself dripping in precome as he does it. The pleasure is almost too much when Gerard hits it again. He practically screams, feeling like he can’t help himself. He feels bliss as Gerard grabs his hips, pulling him a little closer.

“You’re so perfect, baby.”

“Fuck me harder.”

Frank tells him, and Gerard grins, hearing him. It feels so good to have him like this, so needy and desperate. Gerard picks up the pace and starts going faster on him. Building a rhythm as he goes into him stronger than before. Frank buries his face in the bedsheets. This feels so good he almost can’t take it. All the pleasure is taking over now, and he can’t even think. It’s all so overwhelming in the best way. Gerard thrusts against him harder than before. And Frank bites his lip so badly it’s almost drawing blood. This was so much better than what he could have imagined. This really was Gerard making him feel this way, and not another one of his late-night fantasies. It felt so liberating. To know that the real Gerard also cared.

“Such a good girl, you take it so well.”

Gerard tells him, filling him up again in the best way possible. Frank groans loudly and rolls his eyes, barely able to contain how good this feels. He rolls his hips as Gerard keeps pushing against him. He knows he is dripping precome all over Gerard’s mattress, but he’s too turned on to care. All he can think about is him. And how good he is at making him feel. So much better than anyone else could. He’s so happy he chose him. Frank feels like it had to be Gerard. This feels like heaven, every little push, every little grunt he hears. It’s all perfect.

“Oh god, Gerard…”

He feels himself getting so close. He grips to the bedsheets tightly. This is becoming too much for him. He’s almost shaking with how much he feels it. A feeling so sharp and intense is already starting. And Gerard pushes deeper into him, making him feel it fully. 

“You want to come for me? Yeah?” 

“Ah, please let me come.”

Frank begs, feeling like he can’t wait any longer. He strokes himself rough and quick and bites his lip again. Feeling his body beginning to give in. Gerard hits his sweet spot again, and Frank feels like he could faint. He cries so loud he’s sure the people next door can hear it. But he doesn’t care, it’s all too amazing to focus on anything else. Gerard keeps him in place as he hits it again.

“C’mon baby, I wanna hear you”

“Gerard. Gerard…”

Frank repeats as he touches himself. He knows it’s almost over. It can’t possibly get better than this feeling. 

“Come for me”

“Oh my God, Gerard…”

He cries out. He feels his orgasm hit him finally as he releases his seed all over his hand. It’s so passionate that his legs are shaking. Gerard feels as his body contracts around him. The tightness becomes too much, and he groans loudly, enjoying it. He knows he’s so close too. There is no point in fighting it. He thrusts a few more times before releasing his seed inside Frank’s body. He pulls out slowly, watching himself dripping from his lover. 

***

They both rest on top of Gerard’s bed. It’s really late at night, and they are both spent. Frank is almost surprised Gerard is letting him stay in his room, but happy about it. With how unpredictable he is sometimes, he feared he would not want him around after being with him. But Gerard was calm and caring. He slept behind him, with his arms around his body. With how tired they feel, it’s almost surprising they haven’t instantly fallen asleep. But there was something still lingering in Gerard’s head. 

“Do you promise?”

Gerard asks him. Frank was already preparing to drift into sleep. He doesn’t understand the question. 

“Uh?”

“You promise you didn’t give him your number.”

Gerard explains. This again. Frank can’t believe it. He wonders if this subject will come back tomorrow. Maybe next week even… It’s so surprising that such a short interaction made him react like this. He wished Gerard would act like this about other things he did and said. More serious ones. Ones that actually mattered. 

“I promise…”

Frank tells him, sighing. Gerard regrets asking again, but doesn’t want to admit it. 

“You better”

He replies instead. But he’s satisfied with Frank’s answers. Mostly. He wants to remember the night he had with Frank just now, not the one he had at that bar. It's clearly for the best of both of them. 

There’s a pause for silence. There’s still that conversation in Gerard’s car that they haven’t discussed further. Where was Gerard’s urgency about that time? It makes Frank almost feel a little angry. Almost. But he feels too tired to even care enough to fight. This time, Gerard is the one who is almost asleep when Frank calls him out. 

“Gerard” 

He tells him. 

“Yes?”

“Can I be your girlfriend?”

Frank asked him. 

“Go to sleep, Frank.”

Gerard says, but holds him tighter. Frank closes his eyes, too tired to say anything else. Perhaps some other day. At least he feels like things are getting a little closer. 

***

His brother was visiting this Sunday again. They were playing one of Gerard’s games. A shooter game that he just so happened to be bad at. Maybe not terrible, but definitely not better than Mikey. His brother had won multiple times now. Barely even focusing on the game, as if he didn’t need to. Gerard wasn’t paying that much attention either. He has more important things in his mind.

Gerard prepares for what he really wants to talk about. The real reason why he had invited his brother over again. And it had nothing to do with this video game. Frank. The only person who would understand him. Hopefully. If he was lucky enough. 

“I’m kinda seeing someone right now”

He tells his brother. 

“Kinda?”

Mikey repeats, pointing out how strange that sounds. It makes Gerard feel a little embarrassed. 

“We are keeping things private for now.”

Gerard explains. Saying it only makes things more obvious, he understands this. But he’s still not ready for all of this to come out. There are still too many doubts in his head.

“Oh,” Mikey goes, “Why?”

He knows exactly why. He has known for some time now already. It’s something he had discussed endlessly with his boyfriend. Yet, this was the first time Gerard seemed to want to address it. It was a little relieving. Thinking that maybe he wasn’t as much of a lost cause as he had imagined.

It made him think of Frank again. It wasn’t easy to do so. He did feel a little bad for him. While it was terrible that he accepted this treatment. It was still sad to him that he was going through this. Gerard was clearly not in the right headspace for any of this. And it was impossible to know when he would be. It felt like a helpless situation all around. This was still Pete’s friend too. He didn’t want him to get too hurt too much either. It was just that, if he were to stay with Gerard, it was obvious that he would.

“It’s complicated.”

He says.

“Gerard…” Mikey insists, “You think I don’t know complicated?”

He had lived complicated. He had all the mental scars to prove it. The hiding, the shame, the hopelessness. He wished his brother could understand that. What he had called a “lifestyle” was anything but. It was deeper than that, and he could admit, complicated. But it was still so much more. The pain he had to endure for simply being himself had not been easy. 

But reasoning with his brother seemed like such a waste of time. So clearly invaded by all the insecurities he had grown to hate so much. Mikey knew it would all be so much better if he could just say it. Admit that he wasn’t exactly who he thought it was, but that it shouldn’t be a problem either. If he had managed to pull through, Gerard could too. 

“I have a special thing with someone right now.”

Gerard says. Mikey raises an eyebrow, wondering if this could really be it.

“I see…”

“And I don’t want to ruin it. But I think I will”

Gerard continues with his venting. 

“Why?”

His brother asked him. 

“'Cause I’m me,” He says, “And I ruin things.”

Gerard thought about Lyn again. And all his previous ex-girlfriends. All his relationships had ended so badly. Cheating, lying, not taking them seriously enough. It was as if he had a talent to make people get sick of him. It was not something he would want to brag about either. They always started so cheerful and romantic, yet ended in some sort of tragedy.

It worried him that Frank would be another one of those disasters. He didn’t want him to be. But so far, it seemed to be where things were going. That conversation in the car was still in his head. I’m not your fucking friend. Well, what was he? He wasn’t sure either of them had a real thing to call it. And that was clearly not good enough for him. 

“If you’re truthful,” Mikey starts, “Things should be fine.” 

“If I’m truthful, I’ll ruin my whole life.”

He tells him, and means it. If he’s truthful, his father will never look at him the same. He wouldn’t be able to give his mother the grandkids she had always wanted. All his friends would treat him differently. He even wondered how Lyn would feel in all of this. Probably betrayed. She had been such a close friend of his before they had started dating. He had been so unfair to her, he could admit.

Still, that wasn’t counting the things he would feel himself. If he worried it would disappoint the people in his life, it didn’t compare to how he would feel himself. A failure. A loser. The thing he had subtly avoided most of his life. Thinking those types of men could fall in love with him. Now the only person in love was-

“Gerard, it’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it. I understand you, okay. I do. But it’s not as scary as it seems in this moment. And even if you lose some people, maybe they weren’t meant to be in your life.”

He does think about his words for a few moments. Wondering if they could be true. If the only person making this difficult was himself. He always seemed to have something else to blame. Society, dad, the right “values”. As if he had no choice in all of this other than hiding his feelings away. Like, the only solution to all of this would be to bury them. Somewhere even he couldn’t reach.

But Frank had managed to find them still. And it was scary, cause now these weren’t intrusive thoughts he could ignore. He had spent the night with Frank now. A nice, close, and safe night that he couldn’t forget. It had made all of those feelings rise up to the surface again. Making him almost sick. So intense, but all so real it was painful. It was so scary. And it was so obvious Frank didn’t want him to hide them again.

“I don’t want to lose mom and dad over this.”

“I’m sorry, Gerard.”

“But I don’t know. I thought I would be over this already. But I’m not. I only seem to like them more.”

He was being truthful, the way his brother had told him to be. When things had started, he didn’t see it as any more than experimenting. If Frank clearly wanted him, what was so wrong about indulging a little? He didn’t expect to actually spend more time with him. To actually enjoy all of it more than he could even admit. He was not expecting things to get any serious. This was supposed to be a fling he would forget about.

But it was not. He cared about Frank. Painfully so. He didn’t want him gone. He didn’t want him with anyone else. He wanted as much of Frank as he could get. It was only getting harder and harder to ask for anything else. 

“It’s okay that you like them. But maybe you shouldn’t be with someone if you don’t know what you want.”

Mikey tells him, and is very serious about it. While he doubted what someone like Frank could possibly get out of someone like Gerard. It was still cruel for him to leave him hanging. With how Pete had described things, Frank was so head over heels over this. It would be cruel to make him stay in something like this. Getting Gerard, but only partially, enough to stay, but nothing to hold onto.

“I know what I want.”

“Really?”

“I just can’t have him.”

Gerard finally says. Mikey is completely shocked he would say that pronoun. He expected him to stay as vague as he had been previously. Clearly, someone who was not willing to push any further. But he had been wrong. 

“Do you think it’s fair to do this to him instead?”

His brother asks him. 

“No…”

Gerard responds 

“Then…”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t do this to him.”

“So you’re gonna end it?”

Mikey asks, almost hopeful. Perhaps Frank won’t have to be the one to end things. Perhaps his brother isn’t such a lost cause at all. Thinking that he could actually stay away from something he was so clearly not ready to have. To Mikey, it would only be so selfish to stick around for any more. 

“No” 

“Gerard, I really don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. You sound like you’re really struggling right now. You should really focus on yourself. I’m here with you now.”

He finally tells him as bluntly as he can. 

“I don’t care. I can’t lose him.”

Gerard spits back, angry. He feels a little insulted by his brother’s reactions. As if he wasn’t trustworthy enough to be around. He clearly had no idea how he and Frank worked. 

“Don’t do something you’ll regret, please.”

Mikey says.

“I won’t”

Gerard replies.