Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He's there, again the kid with the thick rimmed glasses and the dorky teeth. He comes every Wednesday and only on Wednesday and he always sits in the same seat-- towards the back in the left corner, just out of the light from the stage. You wonder if he sits back there to hide from the fact that he's always here but you notice him every time. If you don't spot him yourself, one of the bouncers will elbow you with a "your boyfriend's here, again" attached to mock you. Haha, it's the big joke and everyone laughs.

Wednesday is open mic night at the dark basement club you perform at. Sometimes, you'll get to have your own night where the stage is all yours and you close that shit down. But, for the most part, you settle for Wednesdays and sharing your precious stage with the amateurs that show up. Whenever it's your turn, mystery boy claps the loudest. His laugh resounds over everyone else's when you crack a joke and you already know that his favorite ones are the puns you slip in ever so subtly. When you make a pun, his face lights right up in that dark corner and you don't know why you like seeing that expression on him so much.

This Wednesday is no different. You stand next to the DJ behind the stage and peer out into the audience. It's not as crowded as it usually is and you figure it's because classes started this week. Summer's over and you wonder briefly if your biggest fan is going to show his toothy mug tonight. The sudden thought that he might not show up makes you less enthusiastic about getting up there and that's stupid because you and the stage are practically soul mates. You have an understanding with the stage.

The DJ taps your shoulder and you pop your head back from behind the curtain. He tells you that you're on in two and you go prepare your guitar and toy keyboard. You do shit your own way and everyone loves you for it. This club probably would've been shut down a long time ago if you hadn't shown up and saved the place. Still, you aren't more important than classes, apparently and that's a harsh blow to the club's income.

When the last person before you is done with her dark poetry, everyone claps and she trudges off stage. She takes the high five you have presented to her and you saunter on stage, nodding towards the few people sitting at the round tables in the front. You take your place on the single stool in the middle of the spot light and prop your feet up.

"Looks like the crowd's been pretty thinned out. I guess that means we can get close and personal tonight, what do you think, folks? Y'all are pretty fortunate that you get the Strider's velvety voice all to yourselves, tonight, aren't you?" there's hollering and whistling from the small crowd and as you tune your guitar and look back up, adjusting the microphone, you notice him. He's in his usual seat with his usual drink wearing that usual grin. Your heart skips a small beat but it doesn't show on your face. You have a reputation to uphold.

A button is pushed on your small keyboard and you nod your head to the beat before starting up the melody with your acoustic. Everyone watches you in awe as you perform like an oracle, channeling the gods of music and sick beats.

You stop plucking and grab the mic, again, licking your chapped lips. "This here's a cover of a song that refuses to leave my head."

You start strumming again and open your mouth and the music comes out in an easy, sad melody to go along with the lyrics.

There's anthrax in the envelope I opened in my dream
The sky is red and little kids are running, screaming in the street
I tried to run and save them but I had molasses feet
I keep having nightmares and I'm scared to go to sleep

You glance at the back corner and your fan is still there, not like he'd leave or anything but you make sure, nonetheless. He has his head propped up on his hands and his jaw is slightly slack. You hope that means he is completely engulfed by your voice.

The music stops again and you grab the mic, "Alright, now I'm going to need some help with the chorus. I'll sing it alone, this time but you better not leave me hanging for the next time around, so pay attention." You then go right into the chorus with vigor and people laugh and clap and a few know it, already.

If you fall in I'll jump down
And touch your face while we're both sinking
(stinking thinking) we won't drown
You are my friend
And what we're doing's too important
For our lives to end quite yet

Through those lines, your eyes never leave that dark corner and you are slightly disappointed that your own personal fan doesn't already know this song. If he wants to be your groupie, he's going to have to get his music taste straightened out.

In Montreal I got so mad, someone broke into the van
Stole my guitar and Aaron’s bag
Then we turned on CNN, watched the towers fall again
And realized that our lives aren't so bad

You strum harshly and your eyes go back up to stare at the boy's straight on. Even if your shades hide your freakishly colored eyes, you hope the boy knows that you acknowledge his presence and appreciate him coming to support you, even if it is from far away.

This is just a test take it with love and you will pass
You will be rewarded if you do your very best
Nothing ever goes as planned so don't take anything for granted
If you do the world will kick your ass

When you get to the chorus again, more people sing along and you are rewarded with seeing the mouth of your mystery boy moving ever so slightly along with the words. You wish you could hear him, maybe he could sing well. Maybe he would come up and introduce himself and you could ask why he only comes when you're going to be on stage.

You finish up the song and everyone claps and cheers and the shot girl brings you a gin and coke, courtesy of the bar tender. You raise the glass to him and then to the audience, who raise their cups back. You then point your glass to the back corner and nod. The boy lifts his head slightly and opens his mouth, obviously in shock that you have brought attention to him and you lean towards the microphone lazily.

"A toast... to those who are either truant or don't give a shit about the man or his education." shouts come from the small group and you chuckle slightly. "May your nights be long and your days be hung-over." With that, you take your shot and the crowd follows.

You are allowed as many encores as the crowd wants, which comes out to be four more songs. You oblige them because they love you and you love them and the mystery boy stays and listens through it all. You give the crowd another acoustic song before laying down some phat beats and slamming down some poetry. You make it a note to sneak in some jabs at the kid who always comes to watch you perform but never makes himself known. He is like a shy rabbit, afraid to come out into the open to play with the other rabbits because there is a hawk watching and that hawk could very well be you, in this instance. Don't worry, little bunny. You might snatch him up, but you won't hurt him.

You bow and leave the stage and there is loud cheering from your adoring fans. The manager congratulates you on another successful night and gives you your hard earned cash. It's tonight's tips from the bar and earnings from the performance. You nod a thanks to him and head to out the back door to catch some air in the cool alley way.

Leaning on the wall opposite of the club, you look up and try to spot any stars in the hazy night sky. Eh, it's hard when you're in the middle of a city. You can see the moon, though. It's huge and beautiful and you lose yourself in thought.
"It's nice, but it'd be better if there were stars around, too."

Your head snaps down and the mystery boy walks up with a smile on his face. He's so very pale that he almost glows and you stay quiet until he walks right up to you. Usually, you are hounded by girls after you perform and it's usually in this alley way. You had started dipping out early on some of the more crowded nights and avoiding resting out here altogether. You wonder if he's ever tried to get your attention before but you never noticed because you were always preoccupied.
"Yeah." You finally answer him and you feel completely awkward. This is a first.

You both stand in silence and he scuffs his sneakers on the pavement idly before looking up at you, again. "I really enjoyed your performance, tonight, by the way!" He beams a smile up at you and you are almost physically knocked back.
"Thanks..." You look away before turning back. "Uuh, you come often..."

"Y-yeah! I guess I do! Haha..." He glances down at his feet for a few more moments before smiling back up at you and saying a short good bye. He then runs away and you are left to wonder what the fuck that all was.
The next few weeks, you are able to squeeze a few extra performances in on days that other slightly more popular bands and artists play at your tiny club. You suspect that they are just hurting for money, so they had to call in the underdog, the blacksheep, the secret weapon. It's whatever, you could always use a few extra bucks. And you definitely cannot deny the stage what she so rightfully deserves. Your feet firmly planted on her wooden planks and an eerie hymn you've cooked up just for her and your biggest fan. Luckily for both, they're present on one of those particular nights and you ignore the slight sensation your chest gets when you see him out there in the thinned crowd, his hands placed neatly under his chin, propped up by his elbows. You stroll out on stage and tap the mic and let loose the rhythm that you were born with. No use keeping all of it locked up tight when it's meant to be shared with the world.

Afterwards, you figure it's safe enough for you to chill out by the bar. Not many people means not many interruptions as you sip on whatever the bartender decided to test out on you today. You tell him it's digestible but only barely and he sighs and takes your empty glass, anyway. You zone out for God knows how long until a meek voice invades your inner ear.
"Gr...Great performance tonight! As usual..."

You glance to your side and your eyes only slightly widen as you stare into the glossy blue orbs of the boy who's only slightly taken up most of your thoughts for the past few weeks.

He fidgets for a while, probably waiting for your stupid ass to reply to him, already.

"Don't even mention it. I see you've enjoyed yourself, as usual..." You hope that didn't make you sound like a huge douche. Usually you don't care what people think about you but you feel like hurting this kid's feelings would probably feel just as good as kicking a sick puppy. You wouldn't kick a sick puppy, would you?

After a few moments of awkward silence (that of which seems to be a reoccurring element), you finally ask him if you could buy him a drink and after a round of stuttering protests, he sits next to you on a bar stool and accepts, blushing. What is he, 5 or something?

"How long have you been playing instruments and singing? You do a lot of different things up there, it's pretty impressive. I mean, I only know how to play the piano, myself... Do you know how to play the piano? Ah, that was a stupid question, you use that little toy keyboard. Do you have a real keyboard-- aah I didn't mean like it's not a real instrument or anything like that! Shit... Uhh..."

You snort, despite never cracking your perfect mask for no one and sip your drink, waiting for him to cool the back burners.

"I dabble in anything I can get my hands on, bro. But I only use that piece of junk for ironic beats. I found it behind some dumpster one night and bought it off a hobo for some pocket change and half my sandwich. True story."

He laughs and it's childish and whimsical sounding. You might enjoy the sound of it. So much so that you're already writing a song in your head about it. Except you're not because that would be lame as shit.

"Well, either way you put on quite the show."

"You like it that much, huh..."

"Well, I keep coming back!" He beams a smile at you and it almost physically knocks you out of your seat.
You have nothing to say to this and so you do the only thing you know how to, look away and conceal what you are thinking with your perfect pokerface. He goes back to his drink and it's awkward again. Usually awkward situations don't bother you because you know the other person is feeling it more than you but not with him. The awkwardness is suffocating and you want to end it as quickly as possible. You fish around in the endless sea of ideas and creativity that is your brain until you realize dumbly that you don't even know his name yet and that would be a good ice breaker. Probably the best ice breaker in all of ice breaking.

"Uh, so... You got a name, or something?" Smooth, but it seems to work as he blinks at you stupidly. Understanding hits his face like a bullet and his expression softens, shooting that same one-hit KO smile at you and you don't even have a shield to hold up.

"It's John! Uhh and I only know you by your stage name... some fan I am, haha." He laughs but you can tell that he's embarrassed.

"Dave." For some reason, you can't seem to say much more than that. You blame his nervousness for making you feel on edge, as if him being embarrassed means that you have to be embarrassed as well which is fucking stupid.

"W-Whoa, I feel like it's really special or something for me to know that name! Like I've been invited to some secret organization and that's the password, or something!" He laughs again and it's really relaxing to hear. You catch the sides of your mouth pointing upward slightly and you force them back into place before he can notice. You hope he didn't notice. He probably didn't but the slight coloring on his face tells you otherwise. Fuck.

In the 45 minutes the two of you talk at that bar, you learn that he goes to the local community college because he doesn't quite know what he wants to do with his life yet, that he dabbles in stage magic and lives in a studio apartment on the other side of town. He's allergic to cats and doesn't like cake, especially yellow cake. His dad lives in Washington where he grew up but he hated the rain and the coldness so when he left the nest, he decided on a state that was the complete opposite. You also learned that he hates how big his feet are and that he wishes he didn't have to wear glasses. To this, you tell him you don't notice a thing wrong with him and that shuts him up for a few minutes while he blushes into his drink.

You offer to give him a ride home since he's had a few two many in his system but he assures you he's taking the bus and you walk him to the station. He pleasantly chats your ear off and you don't get a word in but that's okay. You like how adamant he is about any subject that comes up. And to your surprise, he always has something positive to say. Usually, people complain, you complain, everyone is always pissed off about something. Not him. John is a bottomless well of happy thoughts. You catch yourself wanting to know the things that irk him. Do they even exist? That can't be possible, no one is this goody-goody.

When the bus arrives, you hold out a fist for a nice solid bunp but he bats it away and hugs you, laughing. You stiffen right up because you are not used to people being this chummy with you. Your family isn't even this affectionate. You have not been properly trained in this field, soldier. But you pat his back awkwardly, anyway and he gets on the bus and waves at you from the window he sits at.

Visiting the coffee shop by your small apartment is a rarity you hate to partake in but sometimes you need something to keep you going and there just isn't anything in your cupboards save for some packets of sugar from god knows where. So, you saunter down to the small cafe. There is nothing on this earth that could keep you in that tiny, crowded shop of dread for more than just the amount of time it would take to make a medium black coffee, but the moon could keep you in there for hours.

John is standing in line when you enter the glass doors with a ding from the bell. You panic on the inside but show no sign of it. No need to make a scene about it. You two do live in the same city, this was bound to happen eventually, right? Would it be weird to talk to him now? Would he think you're following him now that you know he knows who you are? These thoughts repeat in your head before you realize you have been taking up the doorway the entire time and you walk in more briskly than you should have but it's no big deal, right? If you have that nonchalant face plastered on your head, no one will think it was strange at all. Yeah.

You have decided to at least greet the poor sod. If you're going to be realistic, it is what people who know each other do and also he will most likely be giddy about it. John doesn't think badly of people. He wouldn't think badly of you for bumping into him outside of the club scene, you're sure. Why are you still so nervous?

"Sup." You say as you stand next to him, staring at the menu nailed above the baristas. He starts but then laughs when he sees that it's just you.

"Oh, Dave! Morning! Haha. Getting some coffee?" He smiles at you and you're no longer surprised at the effect it has on you.

You shrug as a response and he goes off on what he's thinking about getting but that he's not sure what he feels like drinking right now. He then comments on how hot it is outside and how that is going to effect what he orders. You let a chuckle slip because Jesus, he has this all planned out and he's taking coffee ordering really fucking seriously.
After the two of you order, he tells you that he came here to study but that he wasn't expecting so many people to be here so he doesn't know what his plan is anymore. You tell him that there's a library around the corner where he could probably get some quiet alone time. He looks uncertain and you tell him you'll show him where it is, yourself.

"You will?"

"Yeah sure. I got nothing better to do." You say this as uninterested as possible. He smiles and thanks you just the same and you like how your name rolls out of his mouth like he's been saying it his whole damn life.
When you make it to the library, you tell him that he can study until his eyes fall out and he thanks you again.
"Oh, before you go, because I know you're a busy DJ with musicy things to do, why don't I give you my number!" He doesn't give you a reason why this is a logical thing to do or ask if you want it or even gives you time to respond before he's scribbling it out on his coffee reciet and handing it to you with an expectant smile on his face. You take the paper mechanically. "Don't forget to text me so I know it's you!" He strolls into the library after that and you obediantly take out your phone and text him.

How'd he...

The rest of your day is spent texting him back and forth about things that would normally bore you, but he takes such great interest in everything that it is impossible for you to get bored when he's so vigorous about everything. He thinks it's cool that you support yourself entirely with just the gigs at the club and selling CDs you make yourself. He also finds it overly interesting that your older brother basically raised you and that you have a history of sword fighting and a fear of stuffed animals and puppets. When he asks how you could possibly be scared of a stuffed inanimate object, you tell him he's obviously never had to stare into the dead eyes of a smuppet before.

EB: haha! well i dunno about all that but it sounds like your bro was just doing it on purpose. you know, to get a rise out of you and all that.
TG: thats a pretty sick fucking way to go about it... he probably doesnt even know the complex hes instilled in me douche doesnt even care bet hes sitting in a recliner right now laughing about it as he jacks off to muppets in space or some shit
EB: eewwwww... i know where you get how weird you are, now.
TG: what
EB: admit it, youre kinda weird...
TG: i am not following john please dig yourself a bigger hole
EB: haha
TG: and then fall into it
EB: pfffft dave srsly i am in a library, dont make me laugh!!!
TG: i am being serious this is as serious as i can get i am already purchasing a shovel as we speak so that you can save up enough energy to dig that grave
EB: dave please!!!!! i am in stitches!!!!
TG: you will be when im through with you
EB: i keep reading your texts in that monotone voice of yours and it is not helping your case at all. i am giggling like a little girl. people are starting to stare.
TG: good let them stare
EB: DAVE!! AHAHAHAA
TG: what you should be studying anyway put the phone down
EB: youre not my mom.
TG: how much have you read in that big ass text book you were carrying around???
EB: okay okay... fine, ill get back to reading.
TG: thats a good asshole
EB: itd be a lot easier if you would STOP TEXTING ME BACK hahahaha.
TG: sorry consider this the last you hear of me
EB: yeah right. you seem quiet but youre really the type that can talk someones ear off.
TG: pots callin the kettle black.
EB: and youre so defensive!!! its really funny, actually. i wouldve never guessed!
TG: john i am warning you
EB: okay, okay, okay... im opening my book as i text this.
TG: ...
EB: dont dot dot dot me, young man.
TG: you havent even opened it yet
EB: !!! looks like the jigs up. ill talk to you later, i really should be getting this done. are you performing tonight?
TG: naw
EB: that sucks. they dont need you then?
TG: seems that way im used to their abuse anyway its how ive chosen to live my life
EB: aww...
TG: no no dont feel bad for me now get started on that so youre not there all night
EB: why, are you doing something tonight?
TG: i can be what are you doing tonight
EB: ionno... nothing, probably

You stare at that last text by him with your thumb hovered over your phone ready to say something. You know what you want to say. You want to invite him over and talk more with him. It has become extremely easy to converse with the bucktoothed fool and that is not something that happens between you and people often. After a moment of an inner pep talk, you find the courage to reply with what you really want to say

TG: well then shit if were both doing nothing why dont we do nothing together
EB: sounds logical...
TG: i mean if you think you can handle basking in my spotlight without getting dissintigrating then why dont we chill somewhere
EB: pfft okay, cool guy. you are so very cool that standing in a 5 foot radius of you gives me a chill down my spine.
TG: i have that effect on people i cant help it this is a serious condition of mine john how dare you make fun of me for it
EB: hahaha
TG: its chronic
EB: ill head over when im done with his chapter, whats your address?

You hear a knock around 10 later that night and you rush to the door but you'll never own up to it. You answer the door as if it was almost a bother to do and he greets you warmly. You only feel slightly embarrassed.

"Welcome to Chateau de Strider." You let him in and he laughs at you and looks around.

"I'm digging the posters, I didn't know you had this range of taste of music. Haha!" This is when you notice he's holding a plastic bag and he sets it on the small dining table on the sidelines of your living room and begins to take out white stirafoam boxes."I needed dinner and since I was coming over anyway, I bought extras of things. I hope you like Chinese!"

You can't bring yourself to say no, and it's not like you'd want to anyway. Food is always a yes. Always. You sit at the table with him and he tells you about what he had to study and then expresses how pleased he is that he remembered it all and how much relief that gives him. You mockingly congratulate him and he flicks rice at you.

Afterwards you show him the spare room where you keep all of your musical equipment. He gapes and gawks and makes every surprised noise possible. He sees the turntables and hovers his hand over them, afraid to touch lest he should break it on accident. You tell him you can show him a few tracks on there and he gasps which you take as a "please Dave, I want you to show me the world." You sit at the lawn chair propped up next to them and let your fingers do what they do best. You are but a mere vessel and as soon as your hands hit any sort of instrument, the power flows through you and out your fingers. It's like tai chi, only with music and you wouldn't have it any other way. This is your gift and you own up to it and flaunt it, willingly.

John stares at you slack jawed and when you question him to make sure he's still in this world with everyone else, he tells you it's different seeing it up close than seeing it from the audience. You ask him if it's a good thing and he simply replies with a yes. This does nothing less than make your heart skip a beat and you clear your throat, for the first time, too flattered to say a word.

He spots your toy keyboard in the corner and asks if he can play it. You shrug and he walks over and plops down on the floor putting it on his lap. You watch as he brushes his fingers over the tiny keys and plays a small tune. It's happy and childlike, probably because it's a toy keyboard and already sounds like that but he is smiling so broadly as he presses his fingers on the keys and it adds to the whole experience.

His face becomes so animated when he plays. You discover this after weeks of repeating musical jam hangouts. He comes over when you aren't performing at the dinky basement club and you both spend the night eating, drinking, and creating some rather sick beats. There is a formula, here. You start the beat, add the rhythm, the effects, John will listen for a few moments until the inspiration hits him and he then lets loose the melody he has concocted in his tiny mind on the tiny keyboard. This is an entirely new experience for you. His style is sing-songy and classical and the complete opposite of yours but compliments your style so well it almost feels like it was meant to be.

"Do you ever write your own songs, Dave?" John asks you while idly strumming your cheap, pawn shop guitar. You started teaching him some chords two nights ago and he seems to have caught on a lot quicker than you thought. Long fingers help, so does a history in piano.

You shrug and he continues strumming.

"What kinds of things inspire you?"

"Whatever decides to rear it's big, ugly head at me and hit me right in the spot that gives me ideas." You tap at your temple with a finger and go back to editing on your laptop.

"So, basically, anything? I've never composed my own piano piece... Always wanted to but I wouldn't even know where to begin."

You close your computer and stare at him thoughtfully. "It's not about knowing where to begin, but feeling it, bro. That's how it always happens with me."

He contemplates this for a second. "So, if I were to tell you to write a song about me, you wouldn't be able to unless you were hit with a sudden urge to do it?"

"Basically."

John stares at you for a moment before you raise an eyebrow over the rim of your glasses in question. He then sighs and mentions something about how you must've not gotten that hit of inspiration like he thought you would. This puzzles you until you realize that he probably wants to inspire you and that thought almost induces inspiration. Almost.

That specific conversation sticks with you as you go through your weekly routines. He comes to your shows, still and hangs with you afterwards. You send more jabs at him from on stage and no one gets the jokes but the two of you. You wouldn't have it any other way. You sometimes drive him home and sometimes he stays at your place or vice versa. It has been too long since you've found another human being whom you don't mind spending every moment with. He becomes an average aspect of your life, the norm, comfort, and everything else that is good and stable.

When he stays the night, you force him to have your bed while you take up the futon in your room and he chats your ear off until you both fall asleep. These are the moments where you learn the most about him. He will go on tangents about his childhood, how he always stayed inside, save for piano lessons and school and when he was at school, he was usually in trouble for pulling some prank. He tells you he really couldn't help it. He'd see an opportunity to do something funny and indulge the urge. People thought he was hilarious and he liked the spotlight, but he never had the guts to go out of his way to get to know people and he thinks that must've made him seem kind of stand-offish. This is surprising to you because you always thought of him as being really outgoing and friendly and not exactly like you.

"What about you? You seem to spend most of your time with me, don't you, you know, know other people?" He asks you one night while you both lay in your respective beds.

"I don't hang out with people who can't handle me. It just so happens that narrows it down nicely." You say without turning towards him. He's quiet for a moment and you guess that means he's making a displeased face at you, which he normally does when you say something that is on the negative side.

"Are you just shy?"

"I don't even know what the fuck that word means."

"Dave..." He says it in mock disapproving tone, but you know he wants a straight answer. Too bad, you don't give out straight answers like candy on Halloween. They have to be earned.

"John..." You copy his tone and he laughs and chucks a pillow at you before asking to have it back because that was the one he was going to sleep on. You chuck it back and hit him square in the face.

"You are so lucky I don't have my glasses on, oh man..." He laughs and throws it back and that is the last straw. You jump up and onto your bed with the pillow and whack him a few times. He yelps and laughs and grabs your wrists to stop you and you end up using your body weight to push him over, but he pulls you down with him and you are now in quite the predicament.

Neither of you ever talked about why John would always come and watch you perform. You never asked what made him approach you that first night in the alley way or why it was that you two seemed to get along so well in such a short time, or even why sometimes, when you complimented him or let him play around with your turntables or perform songs just for him, he'd get a soft look in his eye, a small, sad smile, and a tinting to his cheeks. He never asked why you would let him stay over or pick him up whenever he wanted to hang out or buy him drinks after you performed. These were no-mans-land question, they were taboo and it was a silent rule never to get into it.

But, here you are, bent over his body, pinning him down because he still hasn't let go of your wrists and he is staring up at you with doe eyes. The silence of the room is screaming in your ears and you don't realize you had stopped breathing until you inhale very sharply and apologize at the same time he does.

You push off of him and he sits up slightly, looking everywhere but your face and babbling about how dangerous pillow fights are and how you two should probably get to sleep. You don't hear any of that because his face is red to the tips of his ears and the color (or what you can see of it in the dim room) is mesmerizing to you. He wrestles you off of the bed and you finally make it back to your futon to sleep. It doesn't come easily for you, though. You stay awake with his blue eyes burned permanently in your mind and a fluttering feeling in your chest you don't think you will ever be able to deal with. You are completely sure he is just oblivious John, he will never realize just what he does to you unless you tell him straight out and Dave Strider never tells secrets, especially his own.

Chapter Text

It was mere coincidence that you happened to hear about a small club in the new city you were in the process of moving into. After spending what seemed like eternity living with your dad, you were finally able to break away from his loving, tight grasp and find your own place. You even started going to school, again. You stopped because you didn't want to be a financial burden on your old man and also because you weren't sure what you wanted to do, so you found a few odd jobs before finding a full-time at a bakery where you started out as a bus-boy until moving back into the kitchen and baking yourself. This helped you save up a hefty amount and you were able to find a small apartment in a city states away that had a college you could see yourself at. This was also a mere coincidence but not the one you want to dwell on, right now.

You had been walking through the halls, going to your next class when you overheard some hipster kid mention a concert that was being held a tiny location deep in the downtown area. You made note of this because that is were you lived and it sounded like a fun thing to look into. You had found it and enjoyed the music that played. One artist in particular captivated you, almost completely. His appearance was the first striking thing you noted on. Clad in dark, thick sunglasses when it was in the middle of the night, in a foggy room with only a dim spot light on him. That was enough to catch your attention, his music was enough to keep it there.

When he sang, damn, and when he rapped, it was mesmerizing and you found yourself lost in his voice. Even when he spoke, you could not tear your attention away for even a moment. It was husky and thick with an accent that you would've laughed at if it weren't for how incredibly aloof and cool he was. Yeah, this guy was the epitome of cool. He was untouchable, perfect, everything you'd always wanted to be but never quite hit the mark. You were going to come back to hear him again.

Which, you did. You came back every Wednesday for weeks just to hear him. Sure, there were other talented people that shared the stage with him but they couldn't even hold a candle to his performance. You started to worship him, almost. Never wanting to hear anything else on the radio or in your headphones but his deep, whispering voice when he played a soft, folk song. Or the wavy inflections of his rapping. You liked how he was able to control how his voice sounded depending on the genre he was in the mood for during any particular performance. When you found out you could buy his album, you almost threw twice as much money at the vendor in the back of the club. It was priceless in your mind. You listened to that album on repeat until your friends started to complain about it, but even then you didn't stop listening to it completely.

After countless visits to that club, you finally got the courage to walk up and say something to him. Summer classes had ended and the fall semester was beginning and even though it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do when you had piles of homework, you needed your fix. The club was practically empty for the entire night and this opened up the chance for you to get his attention. You were incredibly nervous.

But you did it.

It was a lot easier than you thought it would be. And after that, you found it became easier and easier to talk to him, as if he wanted it, as if he'd noticed how you would always come and watch him up on stage. That you clapped for only him. And maybe, just maybe, he liked that.

When you had been able to get close to him, when you could consider each other friends, when you were able to text him at any time of the day and he would respond, you felt like absolutely everything in the world was right. You wanted to learn everything there was to know about him, his fears, his likes, his dislikes, quirks, anything. You got most of your answers. He had told you about his home life, what his hobbies were, his favorite foods, etc. This filled your chest with warmth and you jumped to any opportunity to tell him about yourself, as well.

Then, you started spending as much time as possible with him. He would come have lunch with you on your busy scheduled days. You would tell him about the classes you're taking and show him the best places to eat around campus. He didn't seem to mind at all, even looked like he was enjoying himself and this only fueled your need to incorporate him into every aspect of your life.

The first time he spent the night was on one of your study marathons. You had a mid-term and a major cram sesh was the plan. He brought over food and quizzed you for a little until he got bored with that and took out his guitar to strum softly in the corner of your living room. It was soothing and helped you a lot, actually. Even if his presence is sometimes... distracting, his music is always there to put you in whatever mood you needed to be at the time. You only snuck glances at him sometimes, promise! It was really hard not to stare. His sandy blond hair always looked so soft and perfect to you. It fell in place so neatly and you had to continuously fight back the urge to stroke it. Freckles peppered his face and made you wonder if he had them in other places too, but you never really strayed down that train of thought often. You were lucky enough to be where you are right now. No need to get ahead of yourself. The most puzzling thing about his appearance were the ever present shades. You tried asking about them before but he would never yield. You learned the hard way that that was a taboo subject and even though it bugged you the most, you respected his space.

"Dave."

"Hm." He didn't look up from his guitar but you knew he was genuinely paying attention. You closed your book and tapped your pen mindlessly on the cover a few times, your head resting on your other, propped hand.

"It's almost midnight."

"Wouldn't you know it..." He strummed again then twists a prong, obviously not pleased with how that sounded to him.

"You're still wearing your glasses."

"Thank you for that, I wasn't aware. I thought you just liked to have all the lights off because you're secretly a vampire or some shit." He then looked up at you with a pinch at the side of his lips, his signature mocking smile. You loved it.

"Isn't it hard to see, though? I mean, especially at night." You ignored his jab which you had learned to do early on in your friendship. Fighting with him in the word department was near impossible.

"I get by."

"But why force yourself to strain like that? I mean, we're the only ones here, if you're afraid of dames swooning at the sight of those eyes of yours."

"You'd be in the same trouble, bro..."

You smiled at that and fought back the tint that threatened to stain your cheeks. It was also very difficult to talk back to him when he said something flirtatious, which was often, you had also learned.

You go back to working on whatever study questions you had for the next 30 minutes before giving up and flopping down on the couch next to him. He didn't stop his playing when you told him you can't possibly cram any more information into your head but he did warn you that you need to take school seriously and that made you think he had probably made some mistakes in that department and regretted them, maybe a little. You watched him play for a few more minutes before reaching up to grab at his shades. He stopped you with lightning fast speed and you fought back on instinct. This lead to a discarded guitar and an almost tipped over couch.

You had laughed when the wrestling stopped and he had huffed and spat out empty threats about flogging you with a rusty pipe the next time you try to pull that shit, but you continued to laugh. Minutes later, you had noticed him lowering down his guard and you attack again, this time succeeding in batting them off of his face. To your much chagrin, he closed and covered his eyes to keep you from seeing them but you did catch a glimpse of soft, blond lashes. You will take that. Booty from a much earned victory. But it's just a taste. You are still hungry for more.

You finish back tracking over the history of you and Dave and he is bent over top of you, your hold on his wrists will not relent and he looks terrified and unsure and almost completely sorry. This pangs your heart and you don't want him to leave but then you remember you are both dudes and this is actually really weird. When he pushes off of you, your first thought is that you need to break this awkward ice and fast. You then push him playfully and laugh to show that it really wasn't as big of a deal as you both know you thought and he pushes back as well. You get that competitive urge in you, like you so normally do and wrestle him off the bed.

When you turn away from him to go to sleep, your face hurts from blushing so much and your heart refuses to take a fucking chill pill. After that first night of sleep-over as you liked to call it, you had succeeded in seeing his entire face, glasses free when you tried a second time. He cursed you and punched you and threw a tantrum but you didn't care about how vulnerable he might have felt with his precious shades folding neatly in your hands and his face open for the world to see. The world wouldn't see it, though. You were both sitting on your bed with the lights off, save for the street lights that shown through the cracks in your blinds.

You had found out the hard way why he keeps his eyes covered from everyone to see. They are eerily beautiful, wide, open, full of expression, and red. Blood red. He finally tells you it's because he hated how freakishly they were colored. How he didn't want to risk getting made fun of after elementary school, so his bro had got him sunglasses and he rarely took them off, ever. He mentions, briefly about knowing how they have become a crutch but that they aid him with his stage persona and for some reason, that breaks your heart. You tell him so and he scoffs and demands you give them back. You do but not before telling him how beautiful you think they are. He doesn't wear his glasses to bed around you, anymore and that is the final victory. You have won that war and you are proud but it is a double-edge sword. When you get into fights, it's hard to win against them when they are forced to look at you with the least amount of restraint possible. It is incredibly difficult to tell him he can't do something or to leave you alone when he's blinking at you with red irises that are so alien, yet so positively Dave Strider. Your only defense is to tell him you love his eyes and he turns into a babbling mess of insults that is the most endearing thing you could ever hear.

When you go to sleep that night, thinking about the body heat when he had fallen over you, how you could hear his breath hitch in his throat and how he looked like a scared little child, you dream about red orbs and creamy yellow lashes and being cradled in the most comfortable, perfect bed you have ever had the fortune to lay upon.

__________________________________________________

You have inside jokes with him. You've gotten into this little habit of performing songs you know will pull that charming laugh out of him when you're on stage. Other people laugh ,but not like him. His are hard, tear jerking laughs. The kinds that make him double over, clutching his stomach and it is the most satisfying of feelings. Yeah, keep that angelic laughter in the air, Egbert. Even if you are a selfish asshole, you can't keep that laughter to yourself. You want everyone to hear it and appreciate it even though you know no one else gives a shit but you.

After a particularly hilarious show, he punches you in the arm and scolds you for picking on him too much but his face is flushed from laughing and he still has tears in his eyes. You tell him to deal with it and buy him a drink.

"I wonder, I wonder..." He muses to no one in particular, one evening of jamming out in your makeshift studio. You look up at him and he smiles knowingly before rocking back in his chair. "I wonder if the amazing Dave Strider will ever write an entire act based on me..."

"Who knows..." Nonchalant. Not like he just said the most embarrassing thing in the world to you, or anything.

"I mean, he already sends jabs my way when he's up there..."

"Maybe because it's easy." You are feeling a little on edge. You're not used to other people having the upper hand.

He makes a face at you that is mock Dave-You're-Not-As-Funny-As-You-Think-You-Are and you stick your tongue out, seemed like the ironic thing to do.

"Maybe... I wonder what he would say if I asked him to... What do you think?"

"Worth a shot, but don't get your hopes up. He doesn't want to go and disappoint his audience. They are so loyal to him that picking out a favorite just wouldn't be right." John laughs and rocks back in his chair again. You hope he doesn't tip over.

"Not even a tribute night? Maaaan, I would be so flattered. I think if he got up there and said, 'hey y'all... this here's a series of songs that express my undyin' bro-love for my best buddy John Egbert.'" He mocks your SLIGHT accent and you hope he tips over in that damn chair. The request is interesting, though. You begin to think about the types of songs you would choose that successfully express how you feel about the boy. Not like you feel anything too extreme, but you like him. You like his company, you prefer him over most other people. That should be enough for inspiration. You won't tell him this, though. If you're going to do something this special for another person, you can't go and embarrass yourself like that. Knowing John, he'll rub it in your face and make a huge deal out of nothing.

When he's at school and not hanging around you, you plot out songs that remind you of him. Whenever you hear something on the local college radio or remember a song from your adolescent years or even something he plays around you, you take note in a tiny leather bound pad. It's where you write down everything that comes to mind. It's old and worn out but it is probably your most prized possession, save for your turntables.

This turns out to be harder than you thought. You don't know how many times you've revised it or rethought about even doing it to begin with. You've scratched out songs for being too sappy, even for him, added songs you thought expressed how goofy he is but then changed your mind because you don't see how you would go about performing them. The hardest ones were the songs that you found yourself writing down that were, for lack of a better term, love songs. You don't know why you added them, you just did and that made you avoid the little leather notebook for the rest of the day.

Sometimes, you ended up keeping them in there because they were the only songs that gave how you felt about him justice and even though that scared you, it's not like he was ever going to find out.

__________________________________________________

"Yeah, I've seen him perform before. He's really good."

"Just really good? Try, amazingly good! I never want to listen to anything else."

"We know, John. You've told us..."

"Hehe, sorry... Am I being too annoying about this?"

"Not as annoying as you could be on a regular day. John, don't make that face, I am really just kidding! You just talk about him more than the average person should talk about a musician they like..." Jade puts a hand on your shoulder and you smile sheepishly at her. You have to admit that you do talk about him a lot and that you think about him a lot and sometimes you might fantasize playing the piano with him and eating out at a nice restaurant with him while you're both clad in suits and he places a hand on yours and gazes at you without his glasses on--

"Are you going tonight?" Jade's question snaps you out of your thoughts and you tell her that you are and that should be common fucking knowledge and she slugs you in the arm.

She mentions something about having nothing to do tonight and being bored and you invite her along which seems like exactly what she wanted to happen. She says it like she knew what your reply would be all along, weird...

That night, you pick her up and head over to the crowd. She tells you about how she used to go and watch the performances on Wednesdays during the summer but was upset that she had to stop when school started. Her schedule was just too hectic. You guessed that's what being an Anthropology major was like. You also think you're glad that you didn't choose that as your path of choice.

As soon as you walk into the club, you immediately search for Dave. You usually don't see him before the performances but you really want to introduce your friend to him. This seems like a really important thing to do and you're not sure why. You take your seat at your usual table. Even though you are now close with your old idol, old habits are hard to break. She complains about the distance but you're stubborn. You then tell her about how he's a lot more funny in his acts and about how that is partly your fault.

"So, you think you've influenced him to get in touch with his more prankster side?" She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

"N-No! And control your eyebrows!"

"They cannot be tamed, John. You have no power, here."

You laugh and tell her that maybe, MAYBE, you have noticed a direct correlation between getting to know him, and his act becoming more light-hearted. You also admit that you miss his sad, slow songs. They always seemed really heartbreaking to you and even though they were sad and negative, they were beautiful to listen to. Everything about Dave was beautiful.

"John, are you..." Jade begins to question but the lights dim and the MC comes on stage. You hush her and engulf yourself fully in every performance. She soon follows, unable to resist.

Thankfully, tonight seems to be a really good night for acts because you like every artist that performs and Jade seems to, too.

Dave is second to last and you stand when you clap for him. He nods at you and introduces himself, per usual. You feel even more proud than usual to know him, probably because you have brought a friend this time and are basically showing off. She smiles at you and you beam excitedly back. "This is gonna be awesome!" you whisper to her and she giggles. Dave clears his throat and you turn your attention back to the stage.

__________________________________________________

Who is that girl John is sitting next to? This only slightly throws you off your game and you are now having second thoughts.

__________________________________________________

Dave takes a while to start and you begin to worry.

"I hope he's feeling okay... I know he can't have stage fright..." Jade whispers to you and your eyebrows knit together in concern.

__________________________________________________

Say something you big, useless fool.

You clear your throat and apologize as coolly as you can about climate change and your poor, weak immune system. People chuckle and you readjust yourself on your stool. It's now or never.

Looks like never is your only option because you cannot spill your heart out on this stage when he's sharing a table with another. The timing is now completely off and thus, plan B. Good thing you came up with one.

You decide on an acoustic version of a Beatles song which is really generic to you, but the crowd will love you for it, anyway. You're lying to the stage, but she understands. She always understands. Everyone claps when you're done and even though they beg for encores, you tell them you're not feeling on your game tonight and exit, stage left. You stay behind the curtain longer than usual because going out there means facing your fuck-up. You shouldn't let anything get to you when you're on your pedestal. That is your space, you reign over it with a velvety voice and no one should have any sort of strength to sway you. But he does. You realize with a sickening drop of your stomach that in the few weeks you two had been getting close, he has dug out a small part of your chest and nestled in there. It strikes you like a blow to the gut that you rely emotionally on him so much more than you have with any other person and this thought alone scares the ever loving hell out of you. Dave Strider doesn't need someone else to hold onto like an emotional crutch. He doesn't need to go out of his way to make someone else smile or feel better and he definitely doesn't need no praise from nobody.

While you sit in the corner on a stool watching everyone behind the scenes doing their jobs like busy worker bees, you contemplate on how you felt about things pre-John and how you feel about them now, post-John. They are very different feelings. The biggest one, the one feeling that shows itself more prominently than the others is fear. You are scared to be this close to someone else. You don't know what being this close means for either of you. You don't know if he feels the same or if he would be freaked out or if he'd leave you if he knew just how important he has become to you-- there it is. You blink and it's the only sign on the outside that shows you've come to another realization. You are afraid of him leaving. You're afraid he'll get bored of you eventually and slowly cut the tie. You feel like if he cut that tie, it would be like cutting an artery and you'd bleed to death. Are you overreacting? You want to think you are but you don't ever overreact. It's not programmed in your system to. This is a real issue that you need to nip in the butt before it gets out of control; if it hasn't, already.

When you finally do reveal yourself from behind the stage, a few grils come up, squealing compliments and asking for your Hancock. Cute, this is how your life is supposed to be-- praised by your fans. It's a taste of fame that always is sweet on your lips. You sign them all and smile and nod in response to their gushes of kind words before they disperse, giggling and you're left to deal with John and the mystery girl. You stroll up to them at the bar and John greets you with a hug you were not expecting. The girl smiles peacefully at you and you nod a greeting to her.

When John pulls away, he sizes you up with a concerned look and you want to push him away. This is embarrassing.

"Okay, so there is definitely something wrong. What was up with that act, tonight?" John looks almost peeved. "You were fine earlier today when he hung out! Did something happen?"

"Don't know what you mean." You take a seat at the bar and the bartender nods at you before filling a glass and handing it to you. "Who's the dame?" You ask without looking away from straight in front of you, playing it cool and nailing it.

"Oh! This is Jade! She's in one of my classes and overheard me talk about this place and said she's been here before! She even knew about you, Dave." He nudges you with a sly look as if it's the biggest fucking coincidence that she's seen you perform and you hold back a grimace but she sticks her hand out to give you a proper handshake and you appreciate the irony enough to shake it back. Her hand is strong and you're surprised by that. She beams a smile at you.

"Nice to formally meet you! John's told me a lot about you, you guys seem pretty tight!"

You shrug at that but you can't seem to look anyone in the eye. "Hope he painted me in a beautiful picture." John laughs and so does Jade and they take their seats by you on the bar.

"You were really good up there, today! Do you take requests?" She asks and it's innocent, enough. You want to reply with a 'not if I can help it' but you suddenly want to impress John and also you think being mean to her would be just as satisfying as squishing a butterfly.

"Depends, you got something in mind?"

She lights up and grabs your forearm, excitedly. "Oh man! I would be so honored! My late grandpa liked Sinatra and it would be really lovely for you to sing one of his songs. I think your voice would complement his very well!" She babbles on and praises you without holding back and you are actually flattered. John is on your other side, smiling and propping his head up on an arm. When you sneak a glance at him, your face lights up and you have to look away to calm down. There is too much attention on you and you don't have the stage or your guitar to hide behind.

"I think that's a really good idea, Dave. What do you think?" John smirks at you and you gulp.

"Y-Yeah, maybe..."

John gasps in one of your ears while Jade squeals happily in your other.

"Did the great Dave Strider actually stutter?!" John mocks surprise and over dramatizes gasping and swooning and you elbow him. Jade thanks you profusely and you tell her it's really not a big deal at all.

Things lighten up and you feel more relaxed and able to enjoy yourself around the two. They are eerily similar and you let them know. They just both laugh at the same time and tell you you're being ridiculous. They then look at each other and laugh again because it was all in unison.

You offer to drive Jade home and even though she says she can ride the bus, John doesn't want her being out alone at night and she finally concedes only to shut him up.

"I'm a big girl, John you don't have to baby sit me!" She laughs and he rubs the back of his head.

"I know, but Dave offered and it would be safer and stuff..."

"John, seriously..."

"She probably knows some fucking martial arts and that's why she doesn't give a fuck about wandering around a city at night..."

"Haha! I wouldn't go that far, but I do have pepper spray."

"Jade..."

"Okay, okay FINE... But just this once. I don't want this babying to become a habit."

You drop her off at her south campus dormitory and John hops in the front seat after saying his goodbyes. You peal off and he immediately starts asking you questions.

"It was good, but honestly, I think you were really out of it tonight when you performed. I mean, I've been watching you a lot, wow that sounded a lot weirder than I thought, but you know what I mean!! Stop laughing!! Seriously... you didn't sound as amazing as you usually do, is all. I thought maybe something was bothering you and if you wanted to talk about it?" He aims those glorious eyes at you and you want to crumble under their gaze but letting him know the reason why you lost your funk up there, because you were feeling jealous of all things, which was really uncalled for to begin with, is too embarrassing and you refuse to fess up to it, even to yourself.

"Just felt a little off my game is all. Won't happen again." John gives you a contemplative stare and you snort at him. "Seriously, I'll be back to my normal self next time. Hell, I could perform right now and it'd be even better than usual. No lie,"

John tells you that he doesn't believe you and you take him back to your place just to prove him wrong.

He ends up not wanting to go home. Not that it'd be inconvenient to go home that night, but that he really just wants to continue enjoying your company, or however he worded it. During the waking hours, you play song after song for him until your voice goes course and you think this is punishment for fucking up so much on stage. You take it with dignity and when you literally can't sing anymore, he plays for you on your keyboard and you lay on the floor by him and doze off. He must have stopped and decided to join you at some point because when you wake to the sun's rays in the morning, he's curled up at your side, snoozing away and your first instinct is to scurry away as quickly as possible but he looks so comfortable and he's warm and you'd rather just go back to sleep, which you do.

________________________________________________________

“That. What is that?” John stops moving his hands on the keyboard and looks up at you, surprised.

“What?”

“That melody. Where’s it from?”

“Uuuuh, nowhere? I just came up with it…”

“Just now? Really?”

“Yes…?” He says this cautiously and you give him a long stare while you think about how his fingers glided so easily over the keys. About how he was able to come up with such a glorious melody without even trying and how you wanted him to keep it up because you cannot seem to get it out of your head.

“Keep going. Like, do you remember what you were just playing?”

“Yeah, I think so…” John looks down at the keyboard again and hovers his hands over it.

“Good.” That’s all you need to say before he is playing that sweet music again and you lean back in your chair and let the soft melody carry your thoughts away. He doesn’t stop until you stand up suddenly and take out your little leather notebook and jot something down quickly before looking back up. Inspiration is pumping in your veins and it’s almost exciting enough to break your perfectly placed blank expression. “John, what would you say to performing with me next week?”

“Wh…” John stares at you and it lasts for moments. You clear your throat to get his attention again but it just makes him babble and stutter and decline your offer. “I-I can’t! That’s… I’m not… I’m not a performer! I can’t just… GO on stage… and PLAY… I’m, you know, not that good… uuhhh…” He looks down at his hands which had begun to wring during his speech and you sigh.

“I’m not gonna force you, bro… but I think it’d be really fucking awesome if you did. I already have something in mind. You don’t even gotta do more than just play that sweet, sweet song while I lay on the beats and the rhymes. We’d be a hit. You and me.”

“Haha, that is tempting! But, I dunno…”

“John, I implore you to reconsider.” You get up and walk over to him but he stands his ground. “C’mon Egbert, don’t be a wet fish.”

“I have really, really, REALLY bad stage fright…” John peeks up at you over the rim of his glasses and he’s blushing.

“It’s not that bad.” You shrug and kneel down in front of him pushing a button on the small keyboard. A childish beat bumps out of it and the sound is sharp and unpleasant and John makes a face at you. “Now, play it again.”

John eyes you suspiciously but begins it again, the melody of the piano flowing nicely with the beat and his eyes widen in disbelief.

A soft “whoa” escapes his lips and you smirk at him.

“Told ya, right?” You place a hand on his shoulder in a gesture of assurance and he leans into it which is only slightly embarrassing. “Leave the words to me. All you have to do is play that song and look cute. Think you can handle that?”

John stares down at the keyboard and nods, letting a little smile grace his face and you are pumped with inspiration. You practice with him for the rest of the night and when he leaves to go to school in the morning with dark circles under his eyes that match your own, you pat him on the back and tell him that you’re both going to be a hit and if he doesn’t watch out, he might just fall in love with the stage, himself.

You don’t reply because you are too cool for that but you cannot ignore the slight skip of your heart in knowing he wants to do this because of you. You do not want to go into the reasons why it makes you feel the way it does. That is too much to think about and you are definitely not ready to go down that path with your mind or your heart. You know, though that both are involved and that doesn’t help your case very much.

John comes over and you hole up into your studio room with a pizza and some soda and attach yourselves to your respective musical instruments. You take time to tweak his notes and his timing and your own lyrics. You allow him one hour for napping and while he’s sprawled on the floor clutching the keyboard, you mentally prepare yourself for the performance and hope to God it goes smoothly. You end up watching him snooze which turns out to be a lot more calming than you expected and when it’s time to head to the small, basement club, you wake him up, gather your equipment and pack them into your car.

________________________________________________________

Backstage you peer out into the audience and your blood rushes. You cannot do this. You can’t believe you’re actually going to go through with this. This is insane. You’re insane. How could you let a smooth voice and pretty face talk you into doing something this crazy. You have to back out. This is for your own good. He will just have to have the stage all to himself because you cannot handle the pressure this has put you under. Yeah, you’re going to back down. Like a big, fat chicken.

“Dave, I am kind of having…” You stop when your courage runs out upon looking at Dave’s face.

“Yeah, bro?”

“Uuuhhh… I’m kind of having… a… thirst crisis. Where can I get a water back here?” You chicken out of that, too. You just couldn’t bring yourself to bail out on Dave when he was standing there, looking at you so expectantly, so completely trusting. Uh, he definitely didn’t look completely stoic like usual, no. Okay, stop letting your mind wander and take the bottle of water he is handing you. “Thanks… haha…”

“Don’t mention it. We’re going on in like, ten minutes so let’s walk through this one more time." And he slaps a hand on your shoulder and you dip your head slightly because you are so very uncomfortable right now. He must've noticed because he places his other hand on your other shoulder and stares you (or so you guess) in the eye, his mouth in a tight line. Uh oh, that's his serious face. You wince slightly.

"Dude, chill out. It's really not that bad. They aren't going to judge you, especially when they're my fans. I mean, even if for some strange reason you suck completely ass out there, they won't throw a damn thing at you."

"Not even tomatoes...?"

"Not even tomatoes. We don't fucking sell tomatoes at this club."

You chuckle and he rubs reassuring circles on you shoulders with his thumbs. You let out a sigh and someone comes over and tells you both to get ready.

When you walk on stage, everyone cheers and the spotlight is too bright and everything seems kind of echoy and not anything you expected it to be. It's worse. Your tongue goes dry, which isn't such a big deal since you aren't going to be using your voice on stage, but you feel your knees buckle and to avoid collapsing and really making a fool of yourself, you sit down on the second stool as quickly as possible and fumble with your dinky keyboard. How does Dave make this look so damn easy. Every movement he has is calculated and smooth. You would give anything to have finesse like that.

"I hope you cats are enjoying what we've got cooked up for you, so far. We're going to change things up a bit by bring in a little guest star. I want everyone to welcome my buddy John Egbert to the stage. I'll be sharing her tonight and you all are in for the biggest treat of your lives. If your ears and souls are ready, give me a holler." The crowd erupts in cheers and how could they resist? He is so very good with words. He glances back at you and you give him the most deadpan look you can mustard and he actually smirks back at you.

Filling your chest with as much air as possible, you taking in one last calming breath before nodding at Dave. He turns back to the audience and unleashes his talent.

You close your eyes and try to feel the music, remembering everything he's taught you about his style, remembering all the time you two had spent on practicing and honing the song and how much you enjoyed that along with the final product. You're proud of this. You're proud that you were able to inspire him and the fact that he really wanted to do this with you means a lot, actually. As you focus on all of these things, your fingers more freely and you sway with the melody and almost forget the audience is even there. In your mind's eye, you are sitting on the floor of the studio in Dave's apartment with just him and the music and it is the most comfortable feeling. Applauding snaps you out of your trance and you blink at Dave who is standing up and motioning to you. He grabs the microphone and chuckles into it. Your heart drops.

"I want to give a special thanks to my main man tonight for making that ill beat possible. If you think his doofus is a genius at the kiddie keyboard, let him know. Little tyke's been scared shittless of you guys and I want him to be able to come back and perform with me again. It's up to y'all." Dave smiles as the audience hoots and hollers and you shrink back into your stool, completely embarrassed.

You bow and scurry off stage and Dave does a few more songs. you watch him from behind the curtain but it's not the same as seeing his face when he sings and talks and raps. Still, being close is also nice. Someone you don't recognize but you assume works at the club pats you on the back and hands you a drink. Good job, they say and you never get their name.

On the way back to Dave's apartment after a long night of talking with fans and drinking and singing (towards the end, slightly drunkenly...) Dave tells you that he's proud of you and that you should perform with him more often because it was one of the most fun nights he's had at the club in a while. You laugh and bat his hand off your shoulder but you don't fight him too hard. You like it.

He lets you stay the night when you ask and you both flop down on his bed and pass out.

________________________________________________________

Fuck your head hurts and you smell bad and it's unusually warm when you wake up the next, shit, afternoon. You find it hard to sit up and that is because there is some sort of weight on your torso. You squint your eyes against the sun coming in through the window and look down to see John's arm splayed across your lap. Eyes widening, you scramble for your sunglasses which happen to be on the floor and peel your friend off of you. Friend. Right.

He moans and curls into a tighter ball and you stare at him for a few moments before waking him up. The day is then successfully started and you promise yourself to never reveal what you woke up to.

No need ever going down that road. Ever.

TG: guess what loser
EB: oh hey dave! uuhhh, what's up?
TG: i hate to say it but you were a big hit last night just got a text from the manager and there was some feedback and the popular concensous is more egbert
EB: wow, really? are you serious?
TG: as the plague
EB: holy shit... this is kinda... uuh... so what does that mean, exactly?
TG: besides that the crowd loved your whole awkward shyguy act nothing
TG: unless you want it to mean something
EB: uhm...
TG: jesus i mean like if you wanted to perform again they would be more than happy to let you
EB: haha, right.
TG: im assuming thats a no
EB: it was just... really hard to get up there and perform, okay!! you have no idea how scared i was!
TG: yeah but you did fine
TG: maybe a little more than fine
EB: thanks, but i dont think thats going to happen again, even if you begged on your hands and knees...
TG: dont tempt me ill do it
EB: haha!
TG: well i mean the offers there im not going to force a bro to do something he doesnt need to if he doesnt want to
EB: phew, thanks man!
TG: anyway
TG: you just got done with midterms right we should celebrate

EB: that sounds like an excellent idea! what did you have in mind?
TG: ionno a candlelit dinner
EB: hahahaha!
TG: then maybe waltzing on the swankiest veranda in town
TG: be sure to wear your finest satin dress ill pick you up at 8
EB: jesus christ, dave hahahahahaha!

None of that actually happens when you do pick john up at 8, but you do take him out for some good food which means this little greasy spoon you found when you first moved out of your bro's place and got situated on your own. You tell him this story as the two of you munch on some delicious hoagies.

"How often do you get to see your bro, anyway?" John asks after swallowing a large bite of sandwich.

"I dunno... could probably see him more often but we both have shit to do. It's tough being handsome bachelors, John. You wouldn't understand." You dodge a piece of lettuce he flicks at you. "What about you? When was the last time you visited your old man?"

"I haven't since I started the semester. I should probably look into flights for Christmas and stuff."

"Right, that's in two months... Should probably give bro a call, at least..."

"Uh, yeah. Jeez!" John laughs.

The next time the two of you hang out, it's one the weekend. John made it a point to finish a chunk of his work before then because he had a surprise for you. When he shows up on your doorstep, Friday night with his laptop and an HDMI cord and a huge smile on his face, you instantly regret allowing him to surprise you with anything. You know you are in for a night of horrible movies.

________________________________________________________

Dave is going to LOVE Doctor Who.

________________________________________________________

It wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be. You had heard of the show before, it played on sci-fi back when Sci-fi was still Sci-fi and not that misspelled we're-trying-to-be-hip-and-cool shit. Either way, John had a couple episodes on his computer and only because also had DVDs from the more recent seasons. Either way, you had enjoyed them more or less. They lacked Nic Cage which was a plus considering who was showing them to you and you could appreciate the humor and the low budget of some of the episodes.

The paradoxes were cool... You liked the paradoxes. And you always had this weird obsession with the idea of time travel. You tell him about it and he tells you that it would be really neat to be able to travel anywhere in time and space and a huge discussion is brought up, the episodes of Who being totally forgotten by this point.

________________________________________________________

Flight tickets from Texas to Washington don't seem as expensive as you thought they were and you go ahead and purchase a round trip for December. This suddenly makes you extremely excited and you remember how much you actually quite miss your doting parental figure. You call him up and let him know and he excited tells you about how it's perfect timing and how you Nanna was coming as well and how he would have to call her right after this to let her know and how happy she will be to see her only grandson. You smile into the receiver and tell your dad you love him and remind him when your flight arrives and when you hang up with him, you let your best bro know your plans.

EB: i just bought my ticket home for christmas!
TG: shit how much was it
EB: not too bad, couple hundred for a round trip?
TG: word so when are you leaving
EB: a few days after finals. are you going to go home for the holidays, too? i don't want you to be alone...
TG: what fuck off with that noise ill be fine
EB: what about your bro?
TG: ill give him a call
EB: you said that last time, dave.
TG: and i did
EB: whoa, really?
TG: fuck yes i did were not on bad terms or anything striders just like their space ok
EB: right, how could i forget...
TG: but yeah ill go see him for christmas dont worry i wont be alone
EB: good, because i would totally invite you to my dad's if you weren't doing anything with your bro but since you are, i'll leave that for another time.
TG: whoa introducing me to your family already im not that kinda girl im not ready to settle down like that egbert
EB: jesus christ hahahahaha

Chapter Text

Your Christmas "vacation," that of which is only called so because you don't perform at the club during the time you are visiting your brother, is spent doing the same shit you did back when you lived with the asshole. You play old school video games, random rap-offs, and the occasional strife along with the things normal families do around the holidays. You both watch every Christmas special you can get your hands on just to see if it'll annoy the other and neither of you back down. When he asks you about girls, you tell him you're too good for the skanks that make themselves present in your life and when he asks about anyone you've met, you only talk of John. You instantly regret even bringing the kid up because your bro demands to meet this boyfriend of yours and when you get defensive and claim it's only a friendship, the jokes come ten-fold.

Overall, it was a really shitty time and you're glad it's over when you finally say good-bye and he slaps your back, which is the only sign of affection he knows how to give. You just hope John had a pleasant time with his dad. By the way the idiot talks about him, you'd still think he was 10 if you didn't know better.

Your first performance back is spent completely Johnless and you are surprised at how empty it all feels. It's not like you get up there just to impress him or anything, but now you are wondering if that is what it's turned into. Either way, you make it through the night and no one seems to notice and that's good, you guess. Doesn't really matter. You look on your phone for the date and count down the days until your friend comes home and think about how pathetic your life has become because it seems to revolve around a single person who hasn't even been a part of it for that long. No matter how hard you try (which is a result of basically sitting around and doing almost nothing with no one else to talk to) you can't seem to care about much of anything unless John is involved. Nothing seems interesting or colorful or exciting unless John is there to experience it with you. And this pisses you off.

________________________________________________________

Christmas is probably your favorite time of year. Everything about it is miraculous and wonderful. The smell of the air, the feel of the cold outside world, the warmth of the cozy inside world-- it all consumes you into this safe blanket of comfort and pleasantness. Everything on TV reflects the feelings you seem to ooze around this time, too. You spend most of your down time at night watching various Christmas specials with your dad and you know every word to How The Grinch Stole Christmas by Chuck Jones. That one has to be your favorite. Your dad chuckles at you acting out the lines and it's like you're 12 again.

You help your nanna make desserts even though you hate it and it's boring and the smell makes you sick. It makes your nanna happy and that's what this time of the year is about, giving. And boy, do you have a lot to give. You try to help your father with the other cooking but you're no good at that and he ends up shooshing you out of the kitchen to help with decorations instead because you start making a mess.

Stringing popcorn is fun.

Eating it off the string is even more fun.

At night, you text Dave and think about him and hope he's having a good time at home with his family. You ask him about it and he says it's just the usual, whatever that means. Cryptic asshole. You smile down at your phone, despite yourself.

On Christmas, you wake up at around 9 in the morning to the smell of coffee and pastries and you run down stairs to greet your small family. Under the tree are only a few presents since the tradition had dwindled as you grew up. A new fedora for your dad, a knitting kit for your nanna and a huge package with your name on it. You give your father a quizzical glance and tear into the wrapping paper. A tear is almost brought to your eye as you stare at a new keyboard. And this isn't just any keyboard. It's huge and beautiful and must have cost them an arm and a leg. You have no words to express how grateful you are for this gift, so you hug your dad and you hug your nanna and you open the box and break it in with a few songs.

Overall it was an amazing time and you really hate to say goodbye when it's time for you to leave but you know who you're going back to and that's a nice soothing balm on a sad heart.

________________________________________________________

Another night at the club and that is the most cliché thing you could even begin your own chapter with but what the hell. It's true. You're at the small, underground club waiting for someone to choke so you can steal the show. This is the fifth night back that John isn't there with you and even though this is how it used to be, it feels alien and wrong to you. Sipping on your drink you let out a sigh and hope to God John comes back soon because you don't think you can handle this any longer. It's just so boring. Life is boring without John.

It's boring and no one understands.

No one needs John like you need John, you are convinced and that's all kinds of fucked up but you can't seem to help it. You bring out your phone and ignore a random girl who asks you for a dance. She stomps away with a huff but your phone is blinking with blue text and you can't help the smile that spreads slowly across your face as John relays to you the contents of his days and other mundane things that you find utterly fascinating.

EB: oh man, dave. i really hope you're ready for the surprise i have planned for you. it is so delicious, you can't even begin to guess what it might be.
TG: delicious
TG: what like cake
EB: uh, no gross. what is wrong with you? it's definitely a lot better than cake. everything is a lot better than cake, come on, now.
TG: right so like is it... uh
EB: you will never guess!
TG: no fuck that challenge accepted
EB: hehehehe
TG: listen egbert i will guess it and you will be so disappointed with yourself and so impressed with me that you will never leave again
EB: aww, does davey-wavey miss me?
TG: fuck you no i dont
EB: hahaha! yeah right!
TG: is it a puppy
EB: nope!
TG: is it a kitty
EB: ...no.
TG: is it a birdy
EB: god dammit, dave it's not an animal!
TG: is it a cocktail dress are you going to model it for me
EB: ...no.
TG: dammit that is exactly what i wanted for christmas
EB: dave! hahahahahaha!
TG: i was getting all excited and shit and now youve just crushed my dreams
EB: dave stop! listen, i come home tomorrow so you can find out then, okay? i'm just giving you a heads up.
TG: right did you still need me to pick you up from the airport
EB: if you don't mind! i can always get a taxi or something...
TG: no im picking you up whether you want me to or not youre welcome
EB: hahaha! thanks!

His flight gets delayed 4 hours but you wait it out at the airport, anyway. Whatever. No use leaving your parking space just to have to pay again later on. It gives you time to reflect on everything. For some reason, you are completely nervous as to how to react when he walks out of security and sees you. Do you run up and hug him like a girl? Do you wait for him to come to you? Is a handshake too formal? What about a fist bump? A fist bump would be cool. It would be very Dave Strider. You are comfortable with that. But you somehow feel like that isn't enough and while in the midst's of thinking and going over what to say and how to act and just plain excitement, you fall asleep.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

________________________________________________________

He's asleep; this is just too good an opportunity to pass up.

________________________________________________________

Well shit, all of that planning out and worrying over how to act was completely unneeded because you know exactly what you want to do when he gets off that plane, choke him out. That prankster shit he pulls will end his life one day. Look at him, beaming that shit-eating grin of his, and your anger drains right out of you. Weak, dude.

________________________________________________________

You didn't know Dave was that afraid of spiders.

________________________________________________________

When you get to his house, he asks you to help him bring his luggage in and there is one box that is a little on the heavy side. You lift it and struggle and stare at him, puzzled. He smiles and runs up to his apartment. Whatever, probably filled with his granny's cooking or some shit.

He makes tea and plops down next to you on the couch to tell you more about his visit with his dad. It's warm in his living room and you want to nap again.

"Man, it was so cold up there! You would've hated it, Dave... I mean, if this is cold to you, man..." He chuckles to himself and blows on his tea before sipping it. You stare without noticing that you're staring and he starts again. "I forgot how different the weather is up there. I don't know if I miss it or not. Haha."

"Can't even begin to fathom..."

"Yeah... hm. So, anyway! What I wanted to show you, the surprise? It's in that box you brought up. I think you'll be just as happy I got it as I was!" He laughs with his eyes and you get a sinking feeling in your gut that is all kinds of good.

John opens the box with his house key and tears it open. What he pulls out is a new keyboard and your eyes widen slightly, despite yourself.

"I figured, now that I have this hardcore keyboard, I could maybe... you know... perform with you, again?" He looks away and you swear that's some bashful ass blush spreading across his cheeks. If you were your more ironic 14-year-old, asshole self again, you could describe him as being pretty fucking kawaii.

But then what he just said finally hits you.

"You are willingly asking me if you could do a duet with me, again? After all that shit about being scared?"

He nods slightly and peeks up at you through eyelashes and how the hell are you supposed to say no to a face like that? Not to mention his skills with a piano. You tell him of course and he smiles at you at full strength and you swear it could incinerate you.

You both spend the rest of the night playing with his new keyboard. You try out all of the different beats. It pleases you to no end to see that there are about 80 buttons on this keyboard. John laughs and comes up with different melodies for all of the beats you push. It becomes a sort of game that is really childish and stupid but incredibly fun and you feel content for the first time since before Christmas vacation.

The hang out goes late and John asks if you have to go to the club tonight and you tell him that they can deal without him for one night. Today was meant for John and John only because you needed your fix.

"Are you sure? I mean, couldn't you get fired?"

"Naw, man. They don't have the huevos to pull that shit with me. Besides, as performers, we're not really bound by law to the club. We have a more co-dependent relationship. Less performers means less money for the club, but a club is a good venue, so. Fortunately, I've performed a lot over the break since I had nothing else to do, so they can handle it without me for at least one scheduled night." You shrug and John nods, thoughtfully.

"Well, that's good. I missed my best bro! Didn't think he'd skip out on work to catch up with me, though..."

"It was all for you, Damien." John elbows you and then compliments you on a great movie reference.

"No, stop, don't even finish that fucking sentence because The Omen remake was complete shit. What am I even saying, of course you'd like it!" you throw your hand up dramatically and John pouts at you.

"It was beautifully done and scary and an all around good movie, okay?!" He huffs.

"Right and you probably think Keanu Reeves is the next Nic Cage."

"Blasphemer! No one can replace Nic Cage... no one."

This leads to the shittest discussion on movies you have ever had the misfortune of getting into and you end up popping in about 3 movies before you both pass out on the couch.

________________________________________________________

Jeez, Dave's shoulders sure are bony. That doesn't give you any reason whatsoever to nuzzle up against them, but you do it anyway. He doesn't seem to mind since he hasn't batted you away with a "dude, gay." or even moved. Is he asleep? You sneak a peek up at him and he is facing the TV with open eyes. He has become comfortable enough with you that if he stays over later, he eventually takes off the ever present sunglasses and that fills you were pride.

He blinks those incredibly blond lashes and glances down at you.

"Comfortable, Egbert?"

You nod in response and glance back down at the TV, you don't even remember what movie you're on. Your heart is racing much too fast, and it shouldn't. It should calm down this instant. What is it thinking, beating this hard for no reason? You just wanted to get your comfort on and since it's late and your tired and you want to lie down and Dave's in the way, he'll just have to deal with being a pillow for a little while. No big deal. Friends help friends out, right? Right.

And he hasn't pushed you off, yet.

The next night is spent at his place, instead and you bring your keyboard with you and you are beside yourself. You start out by playing the original song you came up with and performed with Dave and it feels right.

After messing around and goofing off and doing everything that is silly and unproductive, you play out a soothing melody that you learned over the break and Dave watches with the most intense stare you have ever seen planted on his face. It almost shakes you up, almost.

"What the hell is that from?"

"Yiiruma? He's an amazing pianist. His songs are kinda simple but for some reason, they're always beautiful and soothing... Do you like?"

"That'd be a god damn understatement." He gets up and sits next to you on the floor and nudges your shoulder. "play it again."

You do and Dave says nothing until you're finished. He had fallen back with a huff during the song and stayed there. You twist at the middle to look at him and he lets a smile grin slip before he sits up again and pushes a small button on the keyboard that starts a beat.

"Again."

And this gets repeated until your fingers hurt and he's filled up two more pages in that little leather pad of his.

________________________________________________________

John hums when he thinks you're not listening. You will have your headphones in, listening to something the two of you recently recorded and in between tracks, when the music is silent, you'll hear him and sometimes, you pause it and just listen to him, instead. It's soft and soothing and you want to record the moment to preserve it. Put it in a jar and keep it on yourself, forever. If you were more of a romantic, you'd crawl like into his lap and let him pet your hair as he hummed you to sleep, but that's for fucking girls which is what you are not.

The fantasy creeps its way into your head, anyway.

When you catch a small cold in a middle of winter, John comes over with soup and juice and waits on you like a worried mother. It's really endearing. There you go, using that word again.

"Are you sure you don't need anything else? I could take your temperature again? Maybe heat up more soup? Your drink's getting a little empty-- here, I'll go get more juice."

You catch his wrist in your hand and he looks down at you. It's hard to talk because your throat feels like sawdust but you're able to squeak out a "chill." and he sits on the edge of the bed next to you. He doesn't seem to care that you haven't let go of his hand, and he doesn't know that you don't plan on giving it back to him. You are just so thankful he is this kind to you and his presence alone is medicine.

He smiles down at you and shifts to get comfortable. He gets the idea that he's going to be there a while.

And just as you hoped, he starts to hum and it sounds a lot like that one hummy song from Where The Wild Things Are which you only saw because John said it was a beautiful film. Didn't know he liked artsy shit, but you would still consider it mainstream and strange and that seems like John's forte. You are pretty sure that's where he got the song from, anyway. It's soothing and you end up drifting off into a long sleep.

"John, you would make the best mom."

John sputters in his spoonful of cheerios and you snort a short laugh as he coughs.

"W-What?" He looks at you incredulously and you shrug and go back to your cup of coffee.

"Just saying. I'm feelin' fit as a fiddle right now and I don't think that'd been possible if you hadn't been here to take care of me. Just like a mom."

"Yeah, well... dad's do good jobs at that too, you know! I mean, my dad always took care of me since my mom was never there..."

"I wouldn't know. Damn, don't give me that sad ass look, it was how me and my Bro did it. Fend for yourself... survival of the fittest."

"This is the 21st century."

You flick him a glare and he laughs and goes back to eating.

"Winning..." he chimes and you sigh.

The next time you two perform, Jade and some other friends you assume John knows as well come to support the show. Even though they make you uneasy, you still thank them for coming and you genuinely mean it. John looks ecstatic and that's a good look for him. He wears it well.

"Are you nervous John?" Jade chimes and John laughs and scratches the back of his head.

"Not really this time, I'm more excited to show off, I guess!" He laughs again and glances back at you and you shrug.

"I'm really curious as to how you've changed from the shy boy in the beginning of this semester to the confident, strapping young man I see before me." She looks like a snarky broad.

"Aw, jeez Rose, it's not like I was that awkward..."

"Oh no, you were much worse than that, I am just trying to be nice." She chuckles and John dramatically sighs and groans and Jade laughs. What a cute little family picture they've painted right in front of you. You kinda want to kill yourself.

Your gaze wonders over to the only other person in the group who has hardly said a word and you nod at him. He responds with a harsh glare and you avert your eyes instantly.

Fuck you, too pal.

The two of you shoot the shit with this small group until you have to go back stage and they cheer you on, even the quiet angry midget tells John to break a leg. At least you think that's what he said. He could've also said "I hope you fall and break your leg so you can't perform and I can go home early."

You adjust the mic and smile into the receiver before speaking.

"Greetings, my lovely night owls. You spoke and your voice was heard and the great force of this dark, underground world has granted your very wish. My cohort is back and he's got some sort of vendetta on my beautiful stage. We're going to let them battle it out tonight for your viewing pleasure."

Cheers, as you expected. You wait until they settle down, glancing back at John you waves at you, cheerfully. Dork. "In this corner, weighing a whopping 95 pounds, John Egbert!" You mock an announcer's voice and the crowd laughs. John does, too. "And his opponent weighing however much a fucking stage weighs, I'm sure it's a good amount, we have The Stage!" More cheers and laughter.

"Let's just play some music, man." John chirps in and you nod and you push a few buttons starting a harsh, high pitched beat and John pushes a button on his keyboard that starts up a sick drum beat and you smile back at him before turning back to the mic and the magic flows up through the ground into your feet, up your legs, dances through your vocal cords and out of your mouth.

"I do not talk, I am just a rapper."

Cheers.

Stompin' on these buddies like a whack-a-mole with no hands
Get girls on the floor like slow jams
Fuck yeah, I'm feelin' myself, no lotion
My light shine bright, no roaches

You stand up for emphasis, the machines know what they are doing, you are starting this party hot and heavy and the crowd goes wild. You want them to dance and forget where they are-- no inhibitions.

Sick

Yeah, I stay fly like a pelican
Get new kicks everyday like an ottoman
Ex-girlfriends askin' if they get a shot again
I try to call 'em back but there's a lot of them
Someone tell me why these muthafuckers busy hatin' me
Just because I'm rappin' and my style is kinda Japanese
Band of outsiders
Kitsune, APC
Macy's got shit on me

You hear a noise come from John and you glance back quickly just in time to catch him rolling his eyes. Heh.

Fuck what you heard like a dick inside alarm clock
I ain't got no jewelry, I leave it at the pawn shop
Two of your chains equals one of my shirts, sir
You got Jacob's Jeweler, I got Anna Wintour

Buddies jealous cause I got more green than seven splinters
I'd rather spend that money on a polo from La Tigra
Young, smart, and handsome
Who could even ask for more?
I change the situation like auditioning for Jersey Shore

You end with the chorus and a stern "Sick." And everyone flips the fuck out. A few more songs are played, along with the piano pieces John had learned to bring the mood down towards the end and you spend the rest of the night chilling with his friends who are pretty worth your attention once you get to know them. You like picking on the angry one, at least.

"So, what'd you guys think? Am I wasting my life hanging out with this deadweight or what?" John laughs as he takes a beer from the bartender.

"It was quite enjoyable. Mr. Strider here seems to take on a whole new persona when he's up there..."

"Yeah, Dave's usually pretty quiet, unless you get him alone!" You don't miss the exchange of glances between Jade and Rose.

"Is that so..."

"Hey, Karkat are you sure you don't want anything? I could pay!" Jade changes the subject. Good girl.

"No, I have money, Harley, if I wanted something to turn me into a idiot, I'd go and gouge out my brain with a spoon myself."

Jade laughs at that and you wonder if her and John are actually long lost siblings.

The small group leaves the club around 3am after you and John pick up your earnings for the night and they walk you to your car. John tells them that he's going home with you and you try to ignore their snickering but it doesn't work that well. You wait in the driver's seat while John says his good-byes to his friends and when he gets in, he's huffy and his eyebrows are stitched ever so slightly in the middle. He looks genuinely annoyed. You can't help your eyebrows as they raise in surprise.

Chapter Text

"Calm down, dude."

"No, that was really infuriating!"

"It's not a big deal."

"Why can't I just have a friend I spend most of my time with without people judging me for it?"

"Who the fuck cares what people think?"

"And how can you be so calm?! Aren't you offended?"

"Not really..."

John huffs and that stitch in his eyebrows is really starting to bother you. You don't like this expression on his face, so you reach over and smooth your thumb over his brow and he relaxes and bats your hand away.

"They're my friends. They should know I'm a friendly guy who likes to have friends and wants to spend as much time as possible WITH friends."

"Then why are you monopolizing me?"

"Uh... I just like you the most, I think." He shrugs and beams the most unabashed smile you've seen to date and you have to avert your eyes.

"Yeah, well. Maybe they're just jealous. Wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me. Comes with the territory."

"Haha, yeah right. Just start the car, already. It's getting cold in here."

And you do.

________________________________________________________

When you get to Dave's a movie sounds like just about the best idea to end a pretty fun night. You let him pick this time and he chooses something you've never heard of. He comments about how it's from this century, so he's not surprised you hadn't seen it before. You chuck a couch pillow at him and he catches it and chucks it back.

About mid-way into the film, which you are still trying desperately to understand, Dave falls asleep. This would not be a problem, minus the fact that you have a million questions to ask him about said film that you are just not getting, and also minus the fact that his head has slumped down on your shoulder and you're not sure how to react. You stiffen up, automatically but then try to relax because you figure a stiff shoulder is a less comfortable shoulder to rest upon than a relaxed one. But, then again, your shoulders are pretty boney. How is he still asleep, anyway? His face practically collided into your shoulder bone when he passed out.

You crane your neck to peek at him and then snap it right back into place.

He's not asleep.

He's awake and he's aware of what he's doing.

No big deal, right? You guys are best friends. Best friends are allowed to be as close as they want, right? As long as both parties aren't opposed to it. Are you opposed? Is this making you uncomfortable? Is the fact that he's conscious and doing this on purpose comforting or the opposite? Your mind races a mile a minute and you are surprised steam isn't billowing out of your ears.

"You doin' alright, buddy?"

You whip your head to the side and Dave is leaning up, staring at you with a quirked brow. Glasses off, as usual and intense gaze burning through your very soul.

All you can manage to squeak out is a feeble "uh..." and he snorts and rests his head right back onto your shoulder like it's his property and he can do with it however he pleases. You are so not blushing at the thought of any part of you being the property of Dave Strider.

Friends just share, right?

You tell yourself this to calm down and try to focus on the movie. Shit, you have no idea what the hell is even happening right now. You give up.

"Dave."

"Hm?" his eyes are closed, now.

"Uhm, sorry but what is this movie even about?"

"It's almost over and you don't even know what the plot is? Jesus, John. You need to get out more, experience the world..." You can feel his breath on your arm and it gives you goosebumps.

"Uh..." you swallow a lump in your throat. "Yeah, sorry... I just am having a hard time paying attention tonight, I think... Too tired."

"Wanna hit the hay, then?" He sits up.

"Yeah... Yeah I think that's a good idea." and you laugh, embarrassed more so that you can't understand the movie than having your best guy friend laying all over you.

"No prob. Lemme get the blankets out."

You heave a sigh of relief once he leaves the room. You're still trying to still your heart but that is not working out too well for you.

The next day on campus, you do not hear the end of it from any of your friends. You have no idea what spurred this on but whatever it is, you want to beat it up for putting you through constant embarrassment.

"I'm just saying, it's weird." Karkat says, leaning against a tree. "Not in a bad way, don't fucking give me that god damn face, Egbert. Let me fucking finish, asswipe before you go and make me look like a bad guy. I mean, Jesus Christ, does everything that oozes out of my yapper make you turn into this sad puppy? Fuck."

"Karkat, you are so far from the point right now..."

"What I'm just trying to say is, usually when someone wants to get with someone else; they go out of their way to be around them. You're tied to that insufferable shithead like a god damn love struck little girl."

"How do you even know? We just hang out a lot. He's really fun and interesting." You try to defend yourself but it looks like they aren't going to be persuaded just as much as you aren't going to be persuaded.

"But it seems like there's something there! I noticed it the first time I went to the club with you." Jade smiles sweetly at you and your angry-face falters. She's just so damn cute, you sometimes wish she was your little sister. Man, that would've been fun. Any siblings would've been fun.

"Yeah, there's something there, alright... It's called friendship!"

"Have you ever had any un-friend-like thoughts about Strider?" Rose asks. She takes a sip of her coffee.

"What, like 'man, I wanna kick this guy's ass?' No..."

"What about the opposite feeling of passion?"

"Rose, seriously. I have never wanted to kiss Dave. That is just bluh, okay? I bet his lips are dry and unsavory." You make a face and Karkat snorts.

"You are certain that thoughts like that have never crossed your mind? Not even slightly?"

"I'm not just positive... I'm HIV--"

"You are not making that joke again. It got old the first fucking time you said it." Karkat interrupts. "This is serious, Egbert. We are trying to help you realize your homosexual attraction to that prick. The least you could do is humor us."

"Fuck, you don't have to say it like that, Karkat! Just because he might be attracted to one guy doesn't make him a homosexual. There are other types of sexualities and they are all possible in every person. Right, Rose?"

"Mm-hm. It could be very well that our friend here is actually pansexual."

"Whoa, okay guys, look, I appreciate this," you motion at them, "but it's really uncalled for! There is nothing between Dave and I and there never will be!" You try to sound as convincing as possible.

"Can we quote you on that so that later, when you're completely fucking wrong and in Strider's pants, we can bring it back up and tell you how fucking stupid past you was so that you can die a little from embarrassment and then shit a rainbow? OW, FUCK!" Karkat rubs at his hurt arm and glares at Jade.

"John, if the feelings come, let them. We really do feel like you two have a different sort of relationship than what you have with us or what he has with any other human being and we just want to help the two of you discover what that relationship is, romantic or otherwise." Rose puts a gentle hand on your shoulder and smiles at you and you relax a little and smile back. They really do mean well. Friends are great to have, you think off-handedly. You're glad to have a lot of them.

Later that night when you're studying at Dave's house, you ask him what pansexuality is and he sputters out milk all over the table.

________________________________________________________

You're writing a song. It's very cold out but it feels great on your bare face as you drink in the winter's night. Maybe it'd be more magical if it were snowing but this is as cold as you can handle and that's just enough. The moon is big and full in the sky and it makes you think of John. You remember the first night he came up to you in the alleyway and shyly introduced himself. His pale skin glowed in the moonlight and that was the most shocking thing to you.

You think about how he asked if he inspired you and how at the time, nothing had come to mind but out here, where the moon is your only company and the whole city seems to be frozen in time-- where John is sound asleep, wrapped up warmly in your sheets with a book open next to his face, inspiration has hit you like a ton of bricks and you grab your leather pad, bundle up in a leopard print Snuggie which you definitely bought for ironic reasons, and sit out on the small balcony letting it all flow out through your fingers.

He wants you to write something about him, specifically. You had tried to make an entire act for him, but that didn't seem to feel right to you. He didn't seem to notice when you eventually performed it and that entire plan was a total bust in your eyes. But this, this is going to be something special and he will notice and he will swoon.

You're not sure why you want to impress him so badly. He's already so easily impressed. But you really want to knock him out of his socks.

Seeing your breath is a phenomenon that you aren't privileged enough to see every day.

________________________________________________________

Dave has deep circles under his eyes and a cough. You scold him for staying up late and tell him that if he gets a cold again, he shouldn't expect to see your sorry ass at his bed side, taking care of him. He snorts at you and then blows his nose because that was a lot grosser than either of you thought it'd be.

________________________________________________________

TT: Is this a Mr. Dave Strider?
TG: speaking who the hell are you
TT: I'm Rose. You met me last week at the club. I came with John.
TG: right the creepy goth broad
TT: I am not gothic, I just prefer to wear black because I like how it contrasts with my complexion and it shows everyone else that I have a strong relationship with the Devil.
TG: right so what do you need
TT: Nothing, just simply wanted to make friends with John's best bro, as he refers to you as.
TG: fair enough
TG: but what do you really need
TT: I guess the jig is up.
TT: What are your exact feelings for my friend John Egbert? Wondering minds must know.
TG: oh hell no dave strider does not kiss and tell
TT: So you've kissed then?
TG: no fuck off
TT: My, my. Aren't we defensive? That's pretty interesting considering what you are saying.
TG: no its not shut up you have no idea what youre talking about
TT: I'm pretty sure my Bachelor's degree in Psychology would say otherwise, but I'm not here to brag.
TG: right
TT: Honestly, I want to size up my good friend's possible love interest because I don't want his fragile heart getting broken.
TG: it wont because there aint nothing between us sister now fuck off so i can finish what i was doing before you decided to blow up my phone
TG: howd you find me anyway
TT: I have my ways, obviously. You can guess, I'm sure. You're not half as dumb as you look.
TG: im flattered
TG: but seriously if itll make you feel better there really isnt anything between my boy egbert and i
TG: i am being as real with you as humanly possible right now
TG: no sarcasm or snarky comeback from this bad boy
TG: no sir

TT: I believed you until those last two comments but I will take your word for it, anyway. You may go back to whatever it is you were doing.
TG: thank you
TT: But I am keeping an eye on the both of you. I literally have nothing better to do with my life.
TG: are you insane
TT: I'm a psych major.

You don't bother replying because that would mean continuing the conversation which is the last thing you want to do. Her words don't leave your mind as you go back to what you were doing before she interrupted you, which was composing the song that is completely to and for the boy in question.

Something clicks and suddenly you are terrified to face everyone.

________________________________________________________

That was the worst phone call you have ever received.

________________________________________________________

John shows up at your place with the most dejected face you have ever seen anyone wear and you usher him in quickly and ask what the deal is.

He sits down at your small table and runs a shaking hand through his hair.

"You need a water or something."

He shakes his head no but he hasn't looked up. You lean against the counter and wait for him to say whatever it is that's bothering him so much and the tension your body feels is downright uncomfortable. If it's someone bothering him, you would gladly beat the shit out of them if it meant making John calm the fuck down. You ball one hand into a fist and tuck it deeper into your crossed arms.

"I... uh..." He swallows but it sounds dry. "I got a call from back home. Uh... My dad's not doing too well."

You take a seat opposite of him at the table.

"What's the matter with him?"

"We don't know, yet. They're still taking tests but they think it's liver cancer. Apparently, it's come out of nowhere? I don't know how he didn't know about it before. Ugh..." He rakes his hands through his hair and rests his forehead on the table. "Or, if he did know about it, why didn't he tell me when I was up there? I feel like that would've been on the top of the list of things to tell your own son when he comes to visit you."

You don't know what to say, so you don't say anything.

"I mean, he's still waiting on the results but, fuck!"

"Then there's no reason to get upset now. Wait until you know what's wrong with him for sure, yeah?"

"Yeah... I guess this was just so out of left field, huh?" He snorts a laugh without smiling and it almost hurts you to watch.

"Yeah."

There's an awkward silence between you for a few moments before you suggest calming down with a feel-good movie and John thanks you for it. You settle on the couch and pop the movie in.

When you sit back down, John shoves a pillow in your lap and flops his head right down in it.

"Ya mind, Egbert? I'm not your fucking cuddle thing."

"You will be right now because I need it, okay? Besides, if you can get away with laying your head on my shoulder, then I can get away with laying my head in your lap. It's only fair, dipshit."

His tone shuts you up, as does his logic and you awkwardly place your arms on the back of the couch and the arm rest. Eventually, one moves to his shoulder and he nuzzles into the pillow. You assume that means that that gesture has made him feel more comfortable and that he's calming down about his whole dad thing. That is the aim, here.

________________________________________________________

When Dave runs his fingers through your hair, your stomach flips and flops and you bury your face deeper into the pillow to hide your blush.

Why do things like this always happen on the couch during a movie? It is really ruining the whole friendship façade.

At least no one's there to witness these things happening. That thought relaxes you enough to at least enjoy the moment and you forget, if only briefly about your current family troubles.

The days following, you call your dad as frequently as possible just to check up on him and to find out if he's heard back from the hospital. No dice. He tells you it's going to take a month and that is just unacceptable. You'd think in this day and age they would have faster tests for really important things like finding out if you have a terminal cancer or not.

You recheck your funds and it's not enough to visit again. Your dad also doesn't want you missing any school because your education is apparently more important than seeing your own dad. You try to not get mad at him-- at anyone, but that is becoming increasingly difficult given how frustrated you are in general. Everyone notices, either way. No sense hiding your rage when it's hard to contain and no one blames you.

The only times you feel completely calm is when you're in front of a piano. And if Dave is there, then that's just an added bonus. Thankfully, he's come around more often, meaning every single night and you are truly grateful.

He tries to be as optimistic as possible and you can tell that it's hard for him. But, you try as much as possible to at least seem normal when you're around him. It's the least you could do since he's been trying to hard to make you feel better. Doesn't feel right, though. You want to be more optimistic but for some reason, with this specific situation, it increases in difficult every day.

When the news comes, it's already getting warm out again and you think about how your dad is probably bundled up in a quilt as he speaks with you on the phone and you try your hardest to take everything he says with as much strength and dignity as possible.

"So, what did the doctor's say?" You swallow a lump and grip the rim of your hoodie trying to still your trembling hands.

"Well, it's not liver cancer. Said it was something else and that they have to take more tests or something. You should see my arm, John. Bruise to high heaven." He chuckles and you try to laugh, too but it sounds more like a cough.

"When will you get those tests back?"

"Another month or so, these things take time, John."

"Yeah, I... I know..."

"It's going to be alright. Even though there's something wrong with this old body, at least I'm aware of it now so that I can work towards building up its health again."

You smile into the receiver. There really isn't anything you can do but send him your support and love and hope to God that this is just something that passes in a month or so and everything goes back to normal soon enough.

You tell him you love him and to call you if anything comes up or if he starts to feel sick or even if he's lonely.

The phone beeps and goes silent and you are left alone.

________________________________________________________

It was a really nice day out. You find yourself sitting on a park bench in the middle of the city watching two kids play with a ball and zone the fuck out. John had insisted that he was fine and he just needed some alone time to relax and sleep (you had noticed the deep circles and made a note of it.) So, you went for a walk because relaxation was always a good idea.

Idly, you watch these two kids kick a ball back and forth and it's like a mantra of "thump, thump thump, laughter." Breathing in deeply, you drink up the sun and the fresh air and the chirping birds and the rustling of leaves. Breathing out, you think of your song. Your leather pad is burning a hole through your hoodie pocket and you are itching to continue planning and writing and taking notes but there is nothing left for you to write that you haven't already. You're stuck.

You need something to counteract the moon. Something intense and relatable to yourself and nothing seems cool enough. You see a dog and its owner walk pass and nothing comes to mind. A squirrel bounces through the grass and still, nothing. Writing songs is hard. It's hard and no one understands.

Sighing angrily, you lay your head back and peer into the bright sky. That's when you see it, a dark figure hovering overhead and landing on a power line. There are a few of them-- beautiful black crows. You take out your pad.

________________________________________________________

If you were in Washington right now, a t-shirt and jeans would not be the proper attired. But it's a whopping 79 degrees out and it's only February. If you were in Washington right now, there would be a foot or so of snow on the ground and your dad would tell you to shovel the driveway and then he'd make you hot chocolate as a thank you. If you were in Washington right now, a snowball fight would be just the thing to cure a boring afternoon of its lackluster. If you were in Washington right now, you would be able to judge for yourself how healthy your dad was instead of waiting on some nutcase doctors to diagnose him with something that is completely out of proportion because you know your dad better than anyone else and he does not get sick.

But, you're in Houston and you're sweating and you can now see why Dave wears sunglasses all the time. Maybe you should look into a prescription set when you get the money... also after you use said money to buy a plane ticket home. Saving up from the few shows you played with Dave is only helping a little and you're getting impatient.

TG: guess what sugar butt im doing another show tonight and im thinking you can come with and play a couple of the songs weve done before but i got some new ones too
TG: also bring harley
TG: shell like what ive got cookin up for her
TG: are you even listening to me or are you asleep
TG: if youre napping thats good i guess
TG: as long as youre not crying because jesus christ you are a man
TG: but i mean
TG: whatever floats your boat im not one to go around sinking them like im some kinda manly police officer
TG: out to ticket those who are not manly enough
TG: there are no manly laws john
TG: cry as much as you want
TG: but i will call you a wuss
TG: and a pussy
TG: and a little girl
TG: and a wimp
TG: and a virgin
TG: and
TG: uuh i dunno else
TG: will you please answer me i want to give your friend a heads up about tonight it is imperative that she come
TG: i dont have her number
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
TG: come on man
EB: holy fuck, dave!
EB: i am right here! sorry i was in the bathroom.
TG: tmi
TG: so anyway tl:dr invite harley and also youre allowed to perform with me tonight again if you ant
TG: know how you wanna get some extra mula etc etc
TG: just trying to throw my main man a bone
EB: thanks dave! i think i should be able to... i've been sleeping more and i'm all rested up!
TG: good to hear
TG: so come over right now
TG: also text harley
TG: or give me her number
EB: well, i can do both!

And you do. You also thank Dave profusely for letting him perform and it is a wonderful feeling to know that he is looking out for you, and what a great friend. You hurry over to his apartment as soon as possible because you suddenly feel all warm and gooey inside and you just want to see his face.

________________________________________________________

John jumps you when you open the door and only your years of physical training with your brother help you stop the force and keep you standing up.

"Whoa there, cowboy. That's quite the grip, you got there." You try to push him off but he's nuzzling into the crook of your head and you feel heat rise up your face.

"I will not let go until I am completely sure you feel my appreciation." He giggles and you want to die of embarrassment for him.

"Okay, I get it. You're glad I'm letting you save up for your dad's or whatever, but seriously, the neighbors are starting to notice." John loosens up and looks over his shoulder.

"There are no neighbors."

"I would feel more comfortable if you were to hug me inside the comfort of my own crib, John." And he pushes you through your door, laughing the entire way.

________________________________________________________

Dave smells like apples and you drink in his scent as quickly as possible because you do not know when you'll get the chance to be this close again. A vague thought of, you wish you could be like this forever, crosses your mind but it's quickly forgotten when Dave pulls away and tells you to practice a little before it's time to go. You nod vigorously and bound over to the small studio room.

________________________________________________________

TG: hey is this jade harley
GG: !!! why yes it is! :0 who may i ask is this?
TG: dave from the club
TG: you know
TG: johns friend
GG: oooh! heehee! right, frieeeend xD xD xD
TG: yeah yeah yuck it up
TG: are you free tonight?
GG: pretty sure, why? :0
TG: you should come to the club i have a little something cooked up that might be in the name of your late grandpappy
GG: OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! that is so nice of you!!!!!
TG: yeah dont mention it
GG: i will definitely be there!
GG: and i'll bring some friends ;D!!!
TG: thats fine the more the merrier or whatever

The song line up you have planned for the evening starts off with some dope beats covered over with John's magical piano playing. The middle will be strictly rapping followed by an acoustic version of My Way.

You tell John this and he says it's going to be a good night and he looks so excited about the money, you hardly have the heart to tell him that doesn't mean they're going to get more than usual. And you ruffle his hair just to hear him laugh because you need something to cheer you up now, too.

John's more comfortable now that he's performed a few times. He knows the ropes and he's not half as scared as he used to be and it's a good feeling. You wouldn't mind performing with him every time and you toy with the idea of maybe making it a permanent two-man act. It would be weird never having the stage to yourself again and she might hate you for it but change is good. John's good. Yeah.

His friends show up and Harley greets you with a hug that you don't know how to react to, so you don't. John slugs you in the arm for being rude and you shrug and Jade laughs so everything's fucking hunky-dory.

When you sing the Sinatra song specifically requested by Jade, you watch her face from the back and it's wide and open and full of emotion and you hope that's a good thing. The last thing you want to do is make a bad impression on any of John's friends. You want them to like you a lot and you're not sure why.

After the show, they meet you at the bar and Jade throws herself on you, thanking you immensely for what you did. She sounds like she's about to cry and you rub her back a little to make sure she doesn't. When she pulls away, it's all smiles and watery eyes but if she were to cry, at least it'd be from happiness and that's satisfactory, you suppose.

Drinks all around and Jade tells stories about her grandpa and his adventures. Shit, you didn't know he was a god damn explorer. That's pretty dope in your book.

"So, he was able to kill the tiger. He still had the scar on his chest! He showed me once and it was really scary! Haha!"

"So, what? He killed an endangered animal and then that's the fucking end of it?"

"No, jeeeeez... He took it to a taxidermist and had it turned into a rug, which is still in his house, right in front of the fire place." She takes a victory swig of her beer.

"Wow, Jade, I had no idea your grandpa was such a badass! Oh... uh, God rest his soul." John looks up. You ignore how dorky he is and take a sip of your drink.

"Yeah, you should see his house! It's full of really strange things that he found on his journeys. He said he didn't like staying in one place for too long, but he also liked the stability of a home." Jade shrugs, "Either way, he left it and all of the cool things inside it with me and for that, a toast!" She holds up her bottle and everyone follows. "To grandpa! May your journey never end, even in the afterlife!"

It's no surprise that John comes home with you afterwards. It had become tradition. Perform together, go home together. After Jade gives you one last bear hug and thanks you again, you get in your car and John follows.

"Wow, Dave... seriously, that was so nice what you did! I totally forgot she had requested a song! Some friend I am, huh..."

You shrug. "T'Ain't nothin'."

"Haha!" He liked your little joke. "Seriously, though... with helping me out in my time of need, and then going out of your norm and performing for my friend... just, thank you." He puts a hand on your forearm and you give him a sideways glance.

"It's really not that big of a deal."

"Maybe not to you but I'm sure it really made Jade so happy and if her grandpa were here to see it, he'd feel the same way! Not to mention how you've been trying your hardest to make me feel better and to keep me optimistic about my dad and his situation..."

You turn to him at a stop light. "I'm just doing what any normal person with feelings would do. I'm not a fucking robot."

"I know... but, I just feel like I owe you..." John shrugs and looks away.

"You could kiss me."

Chapter Text

After sitting on the couch and waiting for him to sniffle and blub it all out, he apologizes again and promises never to be such an unmitigated ass.

“God dammit, John. I heard you the first time. Will you just blow your nose already?” You hand him another tissue and he takes it, nodding a thanks.

“S-Sorry…”

“What the fuck did I just say?” That makes him laugh and the smile looks so comfortable on his face. That’s where it belongs— it’s home, again. You almost let your own smile slip and he notices and points it out and laughs and your walls crumble.

“Just saying, what you said in the car kind of… I dunno…” He shrugs and looks away. Was his face red? “It was weird? No, not weird… It didn’t seem strange, but it just caught me off guard. I think because it was supposed to be strange that a dude would say that to his best friend, you know? N-Not that it’s horrible or that I am judging you or anything!” His arms fly up and wave in front of your face. “I just didn’t know how to react at the time, is all! Yeah…” He waits for you to say something, but you don’t have anything to say. You’re just glad he’s sitting in front of you, being his goofy self again. You drink in the sight. ”Well, uhh…” He rubs at the back of his neck and glances to the side. “As long as you’re not too pissed off at me, then I think everything’s okay.”

You look down at your hands and he looks down as well and you relish in the feeling of the stress and anxiety of the whole ordeal rolling off your shoulders and you relax, slumping back against the couch. “Yeah…”

___________________________________________________________________

You close your phone and jolt slightly when you feel it buzz again in your hand. With a small skip of your heart, you want it to be Dave. To your much chagrin, it’s Karkat. You suddenly don’t want to deal with him right now and you decide to take a shower to think and force relaxation onto your very tired body, instead and that is exactly what you do. You imagine him sitting by his phone, tapping his finger furiously, waiting for you to reply but the joke’s on him!

You suddenly feel like a horrible friend and at least give him the decency of a “later, please. i need some time alone.”

The next day is spent consumed in school work of your own free will and movie watching alone time. Your friends can try to cheer you up, but the only person who can is Sir Nicholas Cage. You watch Moonstruck, Gone in 60 Minutes, and top it all off with Con Air before you pass out on the couch that night. Your phone had buzzed a couple of times but you’ve sworn to ignore it so that you can just think and think and think. Eventually, you end up turning it off altogether.

Lying in bed at night is when you really think about everything that is going on in your life. You’re still waiting to hear back from your dad. That fear is always an underlying feeling with every single emotion you go through. It’s not going away until you know everything is going to be alright. It leaves a disgusting feeling in your stomach that you’ve almost gotten used to. The other thing is Dave and what to do and why you feel the need to actually do something. The only reason you know something is wrong is because you can feel it. You felt it all night when you were last over there and it was an awful tension. It’s something you never want to feel around him again. How in the H are you going to fix this S?

Sleep doesn’t come that night and out of boredom and sick of dealing with it on your own, you reach over and open you phone. Shit.

CG: ARE YOU REALLY NOT GOING TO ANSWER ANY OF US?

You roll your eyes.

GG: john, we’re really worried about you!!!! please answer at least one of us! D: preferably me or rose!! >:P

A smile breaks onto your lips. Oh Jade.

TT: I don’t think secluding yourself this much is what I meant but if you really need time to think about it, at least let one of us know. I am losing control of our friends. There is only so much I can do, John.

You sigh and answer each of them and get no replies. It is really late, or early, whatever. Karkat replies, though and you figure you might as well deal with him.

He doesn’t reply to your “goodnight,” but you are really thankful he is so blunt about everything. Sometimes, that’s what you need in order to understand a situation fully, you think. Sleep comes easily after that. You are planning on going over to Dave’s soon and when you do, you are going to put this entire thing behind you and everything is going to go back to the way things were and smiling will be a lot easier.

When you do see Dave again, you are surprised by the overwhelming feelings it causes you. They are so strong, in fact, that you cannot help but fling yourself at him as soon as you see his face when he opens his door to let you in. You cannot help it that your limps refuse to let go after he tells you and tries to pry you off. Nope. He does not have a say in this. You are surprised that you have forgotten what the problem was in the beginning because he is there in front of you, now and he is patting your back and pulling you into his house. It just feels right.

You promise yourself at that moment to never do whatever it was that you did to Dave again. After you apologize, you are going to make sure that you always reply to him, that you always have an answer or some sort of witty joke for his even if his go too far. Hurting a friend's feelings was the worst thing you've ever done, you think and mistakes are meant to be learned from.

And if Dave wants a god damn kiss, then by golly, you'll give it to him!

But... But only if he asks again.

Which, he probably won't...

Right?

Chapter Text

Things went back to being normal between the two of you and you admit to yourself that it is a huge relief he is talking to you again and you are not terrified beyond measure that you'll fuck it up a second time. Keeping your mouth closed when you have impulses to say stupid shit is a first step. You will remember to keep that shit on lock. You also are now overly aware of when he gets close to you. When he's sitting next to you and your shoulders bump, it feels like every nerve in your body is honed in on that small area of contact. It makes your blood race and your face hurt from the heat and you wonder if this is what is supposed to happen between best friends. He's the closest anyone's ever got to you and it's all very new. It's almost a sickening feeling when he looks at you and smiles or hugs you when he's leaving or asks if he can stay over. That doesn't sound like the kind of thing that is supposed to happen during friendship. You toy with the idea of asking someone but you're not sure who.

Certainly not Lalonde. You figure she'd probably have a fieldtrip with this case and that is something you do not want to deal with.

You opt, instead, to lose yourself in your music and that succeeds in clearing your thoughts. When the beat fills your ears and the music drowns out the street down below your apartment window is when you can really think. And you think about John. About how his laugh is always the same, how his nose scrunches up when he's trying to hold back tears during one of his shitty movies, how his hands are soft and free of callouses, unlike yours.

It would be so easy if you could just talk to John about how you feel about him because he's so easy to talk to and you already tell him everything. Maybe if you told him without letting him know who you meant, that would at least ease the strange feelings roaring in your being.

That... actually doesn't sound half bad. You give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back. All you'd have to do is change the name and he will most definitely be completely oblivious. You will do just that.

That night, you perform probably the most upbeat, unironic, cheesy songs you've ever played and they all think it's a big joke. What they do not know is that the music you choose reflects how you feel and what you want to convey. It's the easiest way you know how to express yourself and the only one who realizes this is John.

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Greeting Karkat with the a hug the next time you see him was probably your worst decision to date. You find yourself on your ass in the middle of the courtyard. He shoves his hand in your face to help you up and you take it and apologize.

"I didn't meant to startle you! Jeez, you pack quite the punch, man..."

"What the fuck was that for anyway? I thought I was getting hit by a freight train."

"Well, I was just thanking you for your great advice! I have to thank Rose, too, while I'm at it." You glance around as if you'll see her sitting to the side somewhere. Karkat scoffs and shoves his hands in his pocket.

"So, I'm going to go out on a fucking limb here and guess that you made up with the flaming douche machine."

You beam him your strongest, best smile and nod. "Yup! Everything's back to being normal, again!"

"Normal, huh..."

You prepare to question why that statement of his sounded so sarcastic when Jade interrupts. She tells you that she is going for a coffee run and wanted to know if anyone wanted to join her. Karkat agrees and you say your goodbyes and take out your phone. There's a text from Dave waiting for you and you can't help but smile down at your phone.

He tells you that he's been working on something and you have to approve of it. You tell him you'll be right over and he says that it's going not done, yet.

EB: what could this thing possibly even be!
TG: dunno man youll just have to wait like a good like goober
TG: cant go around ruining my own surprises
TG: logic egbert get some
EB: then why'd you even tell me about this in the first place?!
TG: im a sadist
EB: my ass...
TG: that can be arranged
EB: dave!!!!

You go over to his place that night, per usual, with chinese and he greets you with as warm of arms as he can muster up.

"So, is this surprised something I can eat?"

"Not sayin'..." Dave shovels in a huge chunk of lo mein and you glare down at your plate, thinking.

"Can I touch it?"

"Can't touch it... but it can touch you." He stretches his arm out and pokes you in the chest. You laugh.

"I seriously give up!" You throw your arms in the air, dramatically with a huff.

"Might as well, you won't find out what it is until I say you can." And he lets out a very rare smirk that you can't help but stare at. You drink in the sight like a greedy pig because it's not something you are graced with every day. You point this out and you are rewarded with another sight you don't get to see very often, a red faced, embarrassed Dave.

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"Hey, buddy."

"Yes, broseph."

"Don't. Listen, though. I have some serious things to ask you about."

John blinks and his smile falters and he sits up. "Something wrong?"

"Naw, I just need... uh, advice, I guess." You lean forward, wringing your hands. You weren't nervous until you actually began to speak. Now, you're trying your hardest not to twitch and fidget. Showing your fear means being weak and your bro taught you better than that.

"You're asking ME for advice?" John points to himself with huge, doe eyes. You nod once, swallowing. "You. Dave Strider... asking me... For advice?" Your mouth pulls back in a slightly frown. "Are... Are you feeling ill?"

"God dammit, no. I am being really fucking serious right now. Will you help a brother out or not?"

"Yeah, sure." John shrugs and leans back in the couch. "Shoot."

"Okay... Uhm." All of the practicing for what you were going to say flies out the fucking window like the crow you accidentally lobbed a sword at when you were a little kid. You clear your throat once more and gather all of the courage you can. "S-Say there's this kid..."

"Okay, a kid."

"Yeah, and this kid might be having feelings for... for this girl."

"A girl, right."

"The kid just realized them, he thinks they are feelings, at least. He's never felt that way about another person before... not that he's had much experience, neither. Uh... I'm getting away from the fucking point here, I know."

"So this kid doesn't know what he should do next, is what you're trying to say?"

"Yeah, sure." You shrug and hope that makes you look as nonchalant as you wish you felt.

"Hmm..." John puts a finger to his lips and looks upwards, contemplating, probably. "Well, if he thinks he might like her, then he might as well let her know and just see where it goes? I guess, that's what I'd do in the situation..."

A chill runs down your spine because if it is what John would do and he hasn't said anything to you about having possible feelings for you, then it must mean that he doesn't have them. Your liking him will definitely be fruitless now. Shit.

"Ah... Yeah, no that seems like the logical thing for this kid to do."

John beams you a smile and this time, it really cuts through you. Preparing for the worst is probably the next step you should actually take. This conversation sure was eye-opening. You shouldn't be as surprised as you are, right now. After all, look what happened with the whole car ride home that one night and how he stopped talking to you altogether. You can only imagine what he'd do if he found out that it wasn't just you messing around. That you would have leaned over and planted a hot, wet one right on those lips of his.

You'd probably never see him again.

John doesn't seem to notice the inner turmoil you are actually going through and suggests some video games to close up your night with.

"Yeah, sure." And try to ignore the sideways glances John gives you for the rest of the night.

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This sucks. You are legitimately upset about what you have just heard come from your best bro's mouth. He's asked you for love advice and not only was that a shock, but to find out that he might be having some mushy feelings for a girl was probably the biggest blow you've felt since you found out your dad was sick. You go through all the people you know he knows and you can't seem to pick out a girl that he's spent enough time with to actually acquire these feelings. You should know, too, since you're the one who's with him the most, anyway.

It couldn't be Rose. They weren't exactly pleasant with each other. The small amount of time they did talk, it was snarky and short and you don't think Dave would go for anyone like Rose. He doesn't like pryers. And she pries.

Jade was another candidate, but how she acts with him is how she acts with everyone. Sure, he did sing that song for her late grandpa but he's done shit for you, too and that didn't seem like it had any deeper meaning than it being a quest. But, then again, you really don't know how he acts about someone who he might possibly have feelings for. He doesn't seem to know, either which is really cute-- you... will never tell him this.

There wasn't anyone else. You don't know if he has a pen pal or internet friends or anyone he admires. This was baffling.

And you can't let him know that you're thinking so much about this. He has to be completely unaware that it has caused you so much distress or he might never come to you with his problems, again. That would probably hurt you very much, so you will grin and bare whatever kind of emotional hurt he might put you through. Damn, you are the best kind of friend to have.

The worry still plagues you and you figure you're not going to be able to get rid of it, so you will suffer on the inside and hope you can help him as much as possible. Video games is a good distraction but you find out quickly that you cannot seem to keep your eyes off of him for most of the time. You can't stop being a Mr. Worrisome Worrypants.

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As the days get hotter, your mood gets worse. You figured if you just tried to ignore your fears and the fact that you're probably definitely in love with your best guy friend, things would be at least less horrible for you, but that didn't work out. You have also come to the conclusion that they are strong feelings and that you really can't surpress them any more and that was a strange few days of reflection.

The park you sat at and wrote about crows and moons is filled with people and you glance over at your leather notebook that you haven't touched because you want to say you have given up but you really haven't. You don't think you really could give up. Not just because it was a song for John that was filled with your feelings, but because it's something you are creating and your creations are your babies. Sighing, you make a mental note to pick up on that again once you patch up this broken heart of yours. A small part of your brain tells you that you are jumping to conclusions, that you don't know if that's even a real reason to give up. Just because he hasn't said anything to you about the possibility of having feelings for you doesn't mean he never will. He might even have them but not know how to express them or what they mean.

Just like you, you stupid asshole.

The hope hurts almost more than the disappointment.

God damn, you really are no good at this.

Seeing John now is harder for you, but after years of perfecting the art of suppressing emotions so they never reach your face, John can at least fully enjoy the time you spend together, even if you can't.

You perform again with him and his friends come and slowly, things go back to normal with the hurt only being a dull ping every now and then. You can deal with this. At least, you think you can.

At the bar after your performance, Jade sits next to you and bumps your shoulder, smiling.

"Hey cool dude! Great performance, per usual!"

You nod a thank you and take a sip of your beer. She watches and then glances over her shoulder, probably making sure no one was planning on walking over and disrupting whatever you two are about to talk about. You know this is going to be about John. There is no other reason for her acting like this. You brace yourself for the worst.

"So, I can't help but notice everything is back to how it was before!"

"You're surprised? This was the goal." Another sip.

"Oh, yeah! It's great! I just thought that maybe... progress would've been made, as well..." She pouts and you quirk an eyebrow at her.

"What are you getting at, Harley? There really isn't anything between us more than the strong bonds of comradeship. You can't really progress when you've reached the top of the bro echeladder."

"If that's what you're satisfied with." She leans back slightly, looking at the table. "Which, isn't the case with you, I'm going to assume."

"Assuming makes and ass out of you and me."

"Oh, jeez, Dave. Really?" She laughs. "Want some wine for that cheese?"

"I'm pretty sure the saying goes the other way around and isn't really applicable for our conversation, Harley."

"Dave, the reason I really came over here is to tell you that John has told us that even though you've started talking again, he still notices you being stand-offish and he doesn't like it. You should really figure out what your problem is and fix it because not for nothing, but he's got a lot on his plate and this is unnecessary stress on his poor soul."

That's it. "You think I don't know? I'm more aware of that than anyone. But it's not that fucking simple and I'm working things out as well as I can, right now. We're all just going to have to deal."

She looks shocked and almost hurt and you didn't mean to raise your voice but it's just so frustrating. You know John really likes your company. You know he is really stressed out about his dad and you know that you are making him worry more than he needs to and you really don't like that fact. You're not dumb, you noticed it, too and the worst part is that you can't seem to be able to do anything about it.

"Fair enough. I'm just reminding you in hopes that maybe you'll just tell him you might like him more than a friend. Who knows, that might be just what he wants to hear." She glares at you slightly and you feel even worse for making her mad.

"What he wants to hear, huh... Yeah, right." You take another sip and stare forward.

"Honestly, he hasn't said anything to me about it, but you never know! He might be unsure and all he needs is a little reassurance." She nudges your arm and you shake your head slowly.

"And, great swami, what if he doesn't need this help and he's completely straight and I scare him away like I did when I fucked up the first time? I'd be out of the butt and into the fuck, is what would happen."

"Well, I don't think he'd be scared away for good. You guys are too close to let a little bit of a boy crush get in between you two." She shrugs and beams a reassuring smile at you that makes you want to look away. Maybe you just have a weakness for big, toothy smiles.

She tells you to give it some thought and that whatever happens, she will talk with John and help him along the way on his emotional journey and you shoo her away to hang with everyone else on the dance floor.

Not much later, a tipsy John comes up to you and pulls to out into the crowd to dance and you can't really ever say no to him, even when you're not in the mood and all you want to do is seclude yourself for a few days because there is just too many people around and too much noise and your brain can hardly process what John is yelling into your ear until he nips it.

____________________________________________________________

You didn't mean to drink this much. You had a shot before the performance and then another one right after it and then another and then you spent five more bucks on the $1 shot special and the shot girl has become your new best friend.

The reason this has happened was because you cannot stop thinking about the mystery girl that Dave might have feelings for. You're pretty sure you're not overreacting and you're also pretty sure you are completely justified. If Dave gets a girl friend, that means less time you two get to spend together and then she'll probably always be there. You're not opposed to meeting new people but this sounds like one of those rare occasions where you wouldn't even want to try.

You're not jealous, though. Nope. You don't want to have all of his attentions for any other reason than manly reasons. If he got a girl friend, you would never have time to watch awesome movies (they'd probably smooch through them, anyway. It's hard enough getting Dave to pay attention, already!), you wouldn't be able to practice your music together without her being there (the odds of her being musically inclined are so slim, you're sure. She'd just get in the way.), and you only have a budget big enough for two Chinese meals!

Yup, completely justified.

The fact that someone else will be able to cuddle with him and press her lips to his and be as physical as she wants is definitely not the reason you're drinking yourself into a stupor.

Things have become rather incoherent and you are having a hard time controlling your limps and this is where you want to be. This is a good level of drunk and you are quite satisfied.

This is also when you notice Jade talking with Dave and you want to know what they're talking about but you aren't drunk enough to stumble into their conversation. Dave's shoulders do seem kind of stiff to you, but he's been like that since... since...

Nope. You are not going down that train of thought. You are living in the moment right now and whatever happens, you can blame on the juice-- just like that one song that is probably playing right now. You don't care because you see Jade leave and she passes you and pats you on the back and winks at you and you find yourself walking over to him and grabbing his arm without even asking if he wants to come with you or not.

Suddenly, you are on autopilot, meaning your brain is not in control anymore. You will probably do something really stupid. Yeah.

The stupid thing you end up doing is leaning in to yell in Dave's ear (to make sure he hears you! It's so loud!) and telling him you don't want him to get a girl friend and then you list out all the reasons and he gives you a sideways glance and you stumble forward slightly, grabbing onto his hips. He doesn't pull away, though. He stands there like a sturdy wall that's warm and smells good and you just lean in on that body and it feels amazing.

Dave makes a strangled noise when you try to tell him how comfortable he is and you might have mouthed at his ear but only because you have horrible depth perception right now and it was in the way! He can get over it! He can also make that noise more often. He breathed it right into your ear and it sent all of the good kinds of shivers down your back. This was another reason why he can't have a girl friend. You might have said that last part out loud, as well but you can't be sure. You're too busy feeling the hands roam up your sides and wrap around your torso.

"Yeah, see, this... this right here..." You motion to his arms, "this would be WASTED... haha... get it, 'cause that's what I am right now, wasted... THIS... this would be wasted on a girl... Dave, listen. She's probably a FLOOZY, anyway. Don't..." You shake your head with your eyes closed and your mouth pulled back in a disgusted expression "Yeah, don't be fooled by boobs or whatever it is that makes girls... you know... what's the word...?"

"Attractive."

"YEAH. Yeah... that. I don't get it... Now, you! You on the other hand... you are the EMBODIMENT of attractive. Did that make sense? Like... Like grammatically...?"

He nods and it's very sharp and tight and he looks like he could use some alcohol because he is not talking enough and you can't be the only one who talks. You suggest this to him but he declines and says he's fine for now and that he has to drive, anyway. So, you lose that battle but it's whatever. He hasn't unwrapped his arms from around you and you are both kind of swaying to the music which is really nice and a girl friend would definitely, definitely ruin this.

To your much chagrin, nothing more than that happens and your drunken mind is pissed but you're too tired to do anything about it. The only thing you can do is complain about how it's too cold to sleep alone and you won't stop whining until he gets in that bed with you. He relents and you snuggle up against him. He complains about your breath but you're already on your way out.

"Good night, John." Is the last thing you hear.

Feeling good the morning after a drunken night is what you wished you felt! That is not the case and it's not exactly the hangover that's got you bummed. Your body actually feels pretty fine. It's the memories that rush back as you roll over and bump into Dave's shoulder blade. You suddenly are reminded of the things you said and how you clung to him and embarrassment doesn't even begin to describe how you feel.

You apologize and he tells you it was really alright. He just wanted to keep and eye on you and keep you in line. You thank him and take the breakfast he makes for you.

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You're not ever going to tell John the dirty things he said to you on your way back to the apartment. Nope. Not gonna happen. Those are going in your imaginary diary, written in pink and purple gel pen with hearts and drawings to go with it. But he'll never hear it, no.

Days pass and things become easier. You're not sure if it's because the hope is outweighing the disappointment or if you are over worrying if your feelings will be reciprocated or not. Either way, John's visits and stays go back to being more like how they used to be and that is a good feeling. You try to forget his drunken words to you because that makes you feel things you don't want to even think about and that's the enemy-- here to ruin your friendship. You will have none of that, if you can fucking help it.

Let's just hope you CAN help it.

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Sometimes, Dave sings to you. When you're alone, bullshitting around in his make-shift studio and you're hitting the same key over and over again, completely zoned out. His voice will wiggle its way through your ear drums and snuggle up into your mind and you'll close your eyes and lean back and drown in it, happily.

He strums lazily on his guitar and a small smile will appear on his lips when he thinks you're not looking. And when he parts those lips, magic happens, you think.

"Hey John,"

You hum a response, not able to even speak, let alone sit up. He knows you're paying attention.

And then he sings to you.

"My mother says that, rain is angels, who are crying, up in heaven, and I believe that,'cause when sad things happen, it starts raining,it's been raining..."

You close your eyes and see white and swirls of clouds and peaks of blue and his voice is the painter in this closed-eye vision.

"It's been raining, for awhile now, it's been raining, at least forty days, and I've been crying, since the first time, someone I loved, passed away."

You turn onto your side so you can watch him and he's not looking up, luckily for you.

"I'll build an ark, inside my body, in a bottle, and disappear, 'cause my soul is drowning, missing people, that I wish could, still be here, but it won't stop raining, and I can't stop crying, my friends keep dying."

And it's sad. His voice is sad and you wonder if he's had a lot of struggle in his life and how much he still might struggle; if he has demons and skeletons in his closet. There has to be something, no one's voice sounds that sad with a perfect life to back it up.

When he finishes, he puts his guitar down and looks at you like he always does and you laugh at him and tell him that neither of you have mothers.

"Don't need no mother to think that song was beautiful."

And he's right.

Chapter Text

A month is how long it takes for your dad to get the results back. When the days get close to that marker, your anxiety creeps up and before you know it, you're losing sleep and feeling sick and not laughing when you know you should. Everyone understands enough to not push the topic on you too hard and you're thankful for that.

You used to call your dad constantly to check up on him, but now you're too scared to hear the possibly bad news that could come through the receiver than you can't seem to even pick up the phone and dial his number. You decide to just wait and have him contact you when he finds out what is really going on with his body. A part of you tells you that is just wasting possible contact you could have with your dad. That same part tells you that you don't know how long you'll even be able to talk with him. You want to take a pillow and smother that part because it's being too real for your optimism to fight against and this inner turmoil just makes the whole ordeal a lot more emotional than it needs to be.

Hanging out with Dave doesn't help these few days before your dad calls with the big news. He tries really hard to cheer you up and it used to be really nice and comforting but now that's not even the feeling you get from it. Now, you just feel pity for yourself and anger for how stupid you're being when you don't even know what is wrong with him. It honestly could be just really bad gas or something curable or just a dream! It really could, says the small part of the optimism you apparently have left. The voice is very small and very weak and you hardly hear it over the logical part's screaming-- constant screaming.

The nausea is the worst part. You haven't been this anxious since you first left home and even then, it's a different kind. When you moved, it was invigorating and bitter-sweet and you were so ready for the new experiences you would go through that it made the anxiety of the what-ifs almost insignificant enough to not exist. This time, it's all dread. Dreading every new minute that passes you by. Any moment, your phone could go off and you could hear the words you have been hoping not to hear and it would take maybe 5 minutes. That's all. 5 Minutes to ruin your life. How would you react? Well, your stomach tells you that it will empty all contents at that exact moment. Not that you've been eating much with the dread drop-kicking your appetite in the chest. You didn't know you could feel hungry and queasy at the same time.

Maybe if you're with someone when you get the call, it will be less life shattering than when you're alone. They could be there to shoosh and pap you into a less hysterical state if the news turns out to be what you're dreading. But because of your recent attitude and because you hate to disappoint people, you haven't been around your friends much and when you do get the phone call, you are alone in your room. It becomes your tomb for days following.

___________________________________________________________________

He's not answering your texts again. Time to go over to his house and pull him out of bed.

You knock your usual, rhythmatic knock. No answer. You knock again and call his name and nothing can be heard from the other side of the door. He better be showering or something, you think. You try to look through the peekhole in the door and can hardly see anything, so you knock again and call out his name a little louder.

"John, seriously, let me in. I know you're home." That might be a bluff and you might be yelling a completely empty student apartment.

Another knock and a sigh. You should've taken the extra key he had when he offered it to you. That was a mistake. You lean your forehead against the door and shove your hands in your pockets.

"I'm going to come back later and you better let me in or I'll pick the damn lock, ya hear me?" You pause but hear no reply and that's your cue to leave.

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No amount of reassurance helps the bile churns angrily in your stomach. He frantically tried to give you the news in the most optimistic way possible-- said it wasn't as bad as it sounded, that he was going to get the best treatment and that his insurance overed it for the most part and that he was going to be fine. That nanna was going to make sure he was comfortable and happy and that he would make it.

Doesn't help, you think.

Now, someone's knocking on the door and yelling and demanding you get up and let them in but even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to with the lack of energy your body has. There is nothing that can get you out from under your comforter. They will deal with it just like everyone has to deal with everything. Just like how you'll have to deal with this.

You're not sure how long the silence settles in but the next thing you consciously notice is someone at the door again. You wait for a knock that you won't answer and that also never comes. What you hear instead is a latch click and the creak of the door opening.

How the fuck...

Your first instinct is to grab the nearest blunt object and hide but hiding under the covers seems like an even better, easier idea.

"John?"

That's your name and you peek your head out because why would a burglar know your name, let alone call it out? You give a muffled moan as a reply and Dave sticks his head in your room and sighs.

"What's up, buddy..."

"MMF." You crawl deeper under your covers. The last thing you want right now is to talk and you don't want him to see you in such a pathetic state. Everything about you feels pathetic. You weren't even strong enough to support your dad when he needed it the most. That's actually the biggest reason why you're so upset. Hm.

Dave is quiet for a few moments before you hear him walk over to your window and open the blinds.

"That would've been more dramatic if it was in the day time and the sun was out..." He muses to himself. You refuse to speak. No reason to."Egbert, seriously. This is a little ridiculous. I mean, I can guess what this is about. You haven't really been yourself these past few days. More like the last two weeks, actually... That I've noticed, at least."

You finally mumble something because you cannot keep quiet anymore.

"What was that?"

You poke your head out and glower up at him. "You're rambling, Dave."

"There he is. The man of the hour." Dave walks over to your bed and sits on it with a flop that jolts you and your stomach reminds you how delicate it is, right now. He ruffles your hair and you push his hand away.

"I'm really not in the mood, right now."

"So, what is it. What's you old man got?"

"Dave, please..."

"Gotta talk about it sometime. And I did come all the way over here, TWICE. Not to mention the time it took to learn how to pick a lock. Add that to my arsenal of useless shit I apparently know. John, really now. Get out from under there. Feel like I'm talking to myself." You feel him prod at you through the blanket.

"I really am just not up for it, right now... Sorry..." You sniffle and hope he didn't hear that.

Suddenly, there is a weight on you. Dave has leaned back, using you as a pillow. "That's a shame because I am so in the mood for talking. I mean, if you aren't up for it, that's fine. I'll just talk, myself. Don't need you to help me. Probably throw me off my trains of thought, anyway. I don't even remember why I'm here, see?"

You push up on your knees and knock him off. "Alright, Jesus!" On top of everything else you are feeling, a headache is starting to creep its way from the back of your head.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty..." Dave leans back again, falling back on your shoulder. You resist the urge to push him off. You resist the urge to push everything away from you because there is just too many sensations right now and you are having a hard time dealing with it. "Have you eaten?"

You shrug.

"If you get dressed and brush your hair, I'll take you somewhere. Wherever you want."

There is too much kindness coming from him and it is freaking you out. You are not used to him being this giving.

"I mean, we're going to go out and get food, anyway. I'm already planning on dragging you out of this bed and dressing you, myself."

He wouldn't. But, he does.

"Dave! S-Stop! That's my shirt!"

"Yeah and it's about to be ripped right off you if you don't stop struggling. I said I was going to force you to leave this room and there is nothing you can do about it. Now, put your arms up."

Sighing, all of the fight leaves you and you hold your arms skyward so he can pull your shirt off. He comments on the smell and you kick his shin. He tells you to put your arms up again after cursing so he can put a clean shirt back on you. You're not sure why you're just letting him dress you like you're some doll. You probably wouldn't get dressed if he just asked you, though. Maybe he's aware of this. You raise your arms and roll your eyes. He stares at you for a second which makes you feel uncomfortable and right when you begin to question him, his hands are on you and he tickles you. Spitting and screeching, you fight him off and he doesn't relent.

"D-DAVE! STOP! STOP IT! HAHAHAHAHA!!" You smash your hand to his face and push off as hard as you can, dislodging his ever present sunglasses. He makes a grunt and falls back. You pant and try to cover yourself with your comforter.

"I made you laugh."

"You fucking cheated."

"All is fair in laughter and happiness."

"You're a creep."

"Love you, too Sugar."

Dave takes you to a small diner and you order a coffee and a burger and ignore his questions about your taste buds. When you finish your meal, he begins to ask about what happened and you know you should answer but you can't seem to open your mouth and say the words. Saying them just makes them more real.

"You're going to have to tell me eventually, bro." He leans back in his chair and he's right.

"Not here."

___________________________________________________________________

During your entire dinner and walk back, the only time John speaks is to respond to something you've asked him. And if the subject turns to his dad, he shuts up completely. You carefully tip-toe through conversational topics to make sure you don't step on something that will cause him to hide back in his shell and it's really annoying. But, you figure he's under a lot of emotional stress, you knew it was going to be something like this and you've been preparing yourself, like what you would say to give him confidence and how you will help distract or cheer him up. You think it's working. You hope it's working...

He tells you he doesn't want to go back to his place, that he would rather be somewhere else for a while since he was locked up inside his room for most of the last few days. You think that's fair enough and head in the direction of your apartment.You unlock the door and watch as he trudges over to your couch and flops down on it, face first. You ask him if he wants anything and he tells you that he really couldn't stomach anything else and that he just needs to get this over with.

"So, obviously my dad got the results of the test back today..."

"Yeah, figured that much. S'not like you got a pet or something that died, or whatever."

"Mm. Yeah." He rubs at the back of his neck with his hand and looks away. "I feel like... I shouldn't be this upset, you know? Because he doesn't sound sick or even upset over the phone. But, it's just... I'm so far away and I don't know when something will happen and he'll need me. And what if I can't visit him before... you know... and..." He trails off and looks down at his hands which have been wringing nervously during his entire speech.

"Did he said what it was, though?"

He nods once but doesn't look up.

"Are you gonna tell me? Do you want to play 20 Questions?"

"It's lymphatic cancer."

"What like in the groin? That shit?"

"Dave..."

"Yeah, uh, okay so that is or is not curable?"

"He said it is but he has to go through 8 months of chemo and they don't know how well his body will fair under it because he's thin." You notice his hands are beginning to shake.

"But he can get the treatment, right?"

He nods once. "He's got some savings and his insurance covers a good amount, thankfully..."

"Well, that's something. I know it's hard to be optimistic, but there are some things working in his favor. Sure he's banking on those things to help get him through this..."

"Yeah..."

"Okay, whoa are you crying? Really? Right now? After all this?"

John nods and slumps forward into his hands. You move from sitting on the coffee table in front of him to sitting next to him on the couch so you can rub his back and tell him it's okay. He nods an leans against you for support. You wrap your other arm around him and he clutches to your shirt, shaking.

"Just let it all out." You whisper into his hair and he does.

He gets better after that day. His optimistic persona slowly creeps back into the majority of his personality and he calls his dad often enough to seem like a nagging parent. He keeps you updated the next few weeks and by the end of March, everything seems like it's gone back to normal.

Sometimes, you notice him zone out and even though it's easy to snap him out of it, you still wish he just wouldn't be sad, ever. You find yourself craving for his smile and you don't know if that's a good thing because smiling is healthy, especially for him, or if you're getting attached and thoughts drift back to what label you should give him. 'Best Friend Ever' is starting to wear off. It doesn't fit. He's growing out of that label. He needs a new one.

John shows up at your door one night with a frown on his face and he asks to talk and your blood runs cold. He tells you that his dad has to be admitted into the hospital because he was getting flu-like symptoms. You know how chemo works so you don't ask him to explain much more than he needs to and you tell him that he has the best care he can get and that the doctors will keep him safe. That he's a smart man that won't try to go through this completely on his own, that he knows what he's doing and that seems to help John a little bit, but not enough.

He needs a distraction and you have a wonderful, awful idea.

All you hear is the clinking of the chainlink fence and John's whispered giggles as he tries to manuever his uncoordinated body. You have to help him down the rest of the way because he stops at the top and whines about heights and his sudden fear of them. When he's safely on the ground, he clings to your forearms, shivering with laughter, saying this is the most illegal thing he has ever done. You flick his forehead. 'Welcome to adulthood, Egbert… Now lose the shorts."

___________________________________________________________________

"Jesus fuck, it's cold."

"Haha, well duh, it's in the middle of the night, and keep your voice down…" You look around cautiously, but it doesn't make a difference because your glasses are folded neatly on the top of your pile of discarded clothing. Dave gives you a blank look and you swim over to him.

"This was your idea, big guy. Now, pay for it!" And you splash him. Moving around helps keep the cold at bay. He fights back and the only sounds are the sudden splish of water and muffled laughter.

After a few moments of that, the heaviness of your earlier troubles creep back into your perif and you are having to fight back the anxiety. You know Dave brought you here to stave it off, and you don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't working. He does want to help, though. How can he if you won't let him? Shit, he's noticed your drop in morral.

"Something swim up your shorts?" He tilts his head slightly and a drop falls from a soppy blond lock.

"No… I'm… I'm fine. It's just getting cold… Haha." You beam him your most convincing smile.

"I could’ve told you that." You look down and wish your vision wasn't so bad because you'd give anything to see his expression, right now. You can't hear it in his voice, but you are sure he is onto you.

Idly, you move your arms around and feel the water roll over them. "Thanks... you know, for dealing with me... I haven't ever had anything like this happen with family, so it's really hard to control how I am acting and I know it's ridiculous to get this upset when he is very much still alive and--" Dave claps a hand over your mouth and he snorts a laugh.

"Calm down, Egbert. It's pretty fucking scary not knowing what's going to happen in the near future. I get it and I am sympathetic and that's why I am trying to help as much as I can." He lowers his hand. "The only thing frustrating about it is that I feel like I'm not help at all, so that's shitty." Shrugging he swims closer. "I mean, as cliche as it sounds, that's what friends are for, am I right?"

"You're great."

"Tch... calm down..."

"No, seriously. Like, I am really fucking lucky to know you. I mean, can you imagine someone else going all out for me, like this? We broke into a public pool! AT NIGHT! I would've never done this with my other friends..."

"I don't know if that's something you should be praising me for..."

"Well, either way, thanks, Dave..."

"MM, yeah, don't mention it... Seriously, you're embarrassing me."

"Haha! Oh really?" You swim around to his other side and bump his shoulder. "Best Friend. Palhoncho? Soulm--" Wow, that wasn't what you meant to say but it came out anyway.

"Soul?"

"S-Soul... uuh... BROTHER! Yeah... Soulbrother."

"That isn't a thing."

"I just said it, didn't I? It's not a thing because I said it like it was a word, making it a word."

"That's not how these things work, John. Just because you said it doesn't mean I am going to take it and run and make it the new thing that everyone is saying. Like, they're not going to suddenly design and manufacture 'Soul' and 'Brother' friendship necklaces. This isn't like an internet rule."

"Then I am just going to say it and if it bothers you, I win."

"So what, it's like soulmate but with a brother?"

"Yeah, sure, yes."

"Why?"

"Because shut up, that's why." You cannot take this anymore, you are sure your face is as red as an apple, so you swim to the ladder and climb out. "I'm getting too cold. Let's go back to your place and watch a movie or something."

"Whatever you want, soulbrother..."

Chapter Text

GG: dave!!!
GG: i need to talk with you about something and it's very important!!!!
TG: sorry i was in the john
GG: !!!!
TG: the bathroom i mean dont be fucking ridiculous
TG: its a figure of speech or whatever
GG: hehehehehe it is, indeed!!
TG: yeah so whats this thing you need to talk with me about im a very busy man harley
GG: right! so i don't know if john's told you or not, but his birthday's coming up!!
TG: oh no shit
GG: oh, yes shit! and we are planning a surprise party for him which you are going to be in on whether you like it or not.
TG: ya got me so what do i need to do
GG: distract him maybe? we haven't figured out all the details yet... we just started planning today! but i just wanted to give you a heads up because i'm sure he'd love you to be a part of it!!
GG: we can't very well leave out his best friend now, can we?
TG: well i mean it wouldnt be hard
GG: dave!!!
TG: im kidding
TG: so which day is this
GG: it's the 13th
TG: oh so we got some time cool
GG: yes!! but we want this to be perfect! this is his first birthday with us and we want to make it matter.
TG: word
TG: k so im in
GG: excellent! i will keep you posted, you just figure out what to get him!
TG: right

Shit.

_____________________________________________________________________

EB: yeah, he said he's okay and that he's getting better. the doctor's won't let him out of their sight, ehehehe...
TT: Well, that's very good to hear. I'm glad he's in the best shape possible for what he's about to go through.
EB: yeah, i'm still pretty worried, though...
TT: That isn't surprising. I would be too if I were in your shoes. You just have to be as supportive as possible. A lot of the time, optimism and positivity help a patient get through their illness just as much as the medications and the treatments.
EB: yeah...
TT: Just keep cheering him on, John. You're his personal cheerleader.
EB: haha, thanks for hearing me out, rose. i feel bad not keeping you guys up-to-date with my personal life... dave had to literally force the information out of me!
TT: Well, I'm glad he put so much effort into helping you. He is a true friend.
EB: yeah, he's the best...
EB: i mean, seriously! i might still be in my room, crying like a girl if he hadn't broken into my dorm and pulled me out...
EB: he literally did that. he dressed me, too. and then he took me to a diner and then we went back to his place so i could tell him what happened and he didn't laugh when i cried.
TT: Well, I would be really upset with him if he had.
EB: mm! he hugged me and told me it was going to be okay and said that my dad was going to pull through and it was really relaxing...
TT: I didn't think he had it in him to be so supportive. I'm impressed.
EB: no, he really is! and then we broke into a public pool last week and that was a lot of fun!
TT: Oh, wow, really?
EB: yeah!
TT: I didn't think you'd actually go through with something like that, John.
EB: me neither! but it was really fun and we didn't get caught-- not like we were hurting anyone or ourselves! It was a little cold, though...
TT: Well, you seem to be in better spirits, which is what we were all waiting for. I'll have to thank Strider for doing what we couldn't.
EB: aww, rose it's not like i don't appreciate you guys, either! it was just really hard to... not be sad...
TT: We know. Don't worry, John. We all agreed that Dave would be the one to get you out of your funk, and low and behold... We were right.
EB: ehehehe
TT: How are things with you two, just out of curiosity...
EB: oh no you don't!! i know what you're getting at, rose! you can't fool me!
TT: I have no idea what you're talking about. I am just asking an innocent question. You're the one getting defensive about it.
EB: oh haha! your reverse psychology powers will not work on me!
TT: Then I won't use them.
EB: good!
TT: My lecture is starting soon. I'll catch up with you later and we can talk some more.
EB: haha uuh yeah, sure! as long as the subject isn't about me and dave! that's definitely not a thing that can be talked about because it doesn't exist!
TT: Right. Good bye.
EB: bye!

_____________________________________________________________________

Staring at the shelf of cards was not giving you the inspiration you thought it would. An idea for a present hadn't hit you yet and you figured if you got the card first, you'd have some sort of inclination of what to do with the rest of his gift.

So, what did you know about John? You know that he likes really shitty movies... and his favorite actors were the ones you liked the least. You also know of his love for the piano and that he hates cake. You make a mental note to make sure Jade knows not to give him a birthday cake. What else? He likes the color blue and he loves clouds and the sky. He likes your music, too... that could be part of the present-- his very own mix tape-- but there needs to be something else to go with it. This present has to be special and personal and what the fuck are you doing in a store?

On your brisk walk home, you pick out the songs you want to include in your tape and maybe, if you finish the one song you had been working on for so long, you can add that. Maybe you'll tell him about how important that song is and how it expresses how you feel. Maybe not. That would actually embarrass you, but maybe that's okay as long as it's about John.

There still was the problem of what to do for the rest of the present. You really had no idea. This wasn't something you did for people often-- hell, you didn't even buy presents for your bro on the holidays. He didn't expect it from you, you would forget, the world kept on spinning. But this was different. You were almost obligated because it would make him happy and you really like making him happy. It's all so new.

What if you got him a new movie? What movies didn't he have? You wish you could ask him without him catching on... You'll have to ask one of his friends. Which one would know the most about his movie obsession? Maybe Jade. If now, probably Karkat. You aren't looking forward to conversing with him because you get the feeling he thinks you're a fucking douchebag. You cringe at the thought of the direction that conversation could go.

Arriving at your apartment, you lock yourself up in your small studio and begin working on your mix tape. Maybe you'll get an idea before you have to consult with his other friends.

Unfortunately (or fortunately because you are still clueless the next few days) you get an unexpected text from Karkat.

CG: I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE HELPING US OUT WITH THE PARTY FOR JOHN.
CG: PLEASE FOR THE EVER LOVING FUCK, ANSWER ME BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT.
TG: retract the claws kitten
TG: yeah i am and im working on part of his present now
CG: WHAT IS IT?
TG: so far a mix tape
TG: got no other ideas yet what about you
CG: I'M STILL WORKING THAT OUT. I FOUND SOMETHING ON EBAY, I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE BIDDING TO END.
TG: word
CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT WHO GOT THE BETTER PRESENT RIGHT NOW. JADE AND I HAVE AN IDEA FOR LEADING JOHN TO WHERE WE'RE HAVING THE PARTY AND WE NEED YOUR HELP.
TG: i thought youd never ask
CG: CUT THE BULLSHIT FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?
CG: WE'RE DOING SOMETHING SIMPLE BUT WE WANT IT TO MEAN SOMETHING SO THAT'S WHY IT'S GOING TO BE A SURPRISE. NOW, JADE AND I HAVE MOST OF THIS COVERED. ROSE IS HANDLING THE FOOD, SO WE NEED YOU TO KEEP JOHN COMPANY AND MAKE SURE HE GETS TO HIS PARTY WITHOUT KNOWING A DAMN THING. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT?
CG: I MEAN, I HOPE YOU ARE MORE COMPETENT THAN YOU LOOK.
TG: you flatter me
TG: yeah i can handle this just tell me where the place is
CG: IT'S GOING TO BE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN. JADE THINKS THAT JOHN WILL ENJOY IT AND ROSE AGREES. I THINK WE'RE ADULTS AND ABOVE KIDDY ASSHOLE PARTIES, BUT GOD FORBID ANYONE LISTEN TO ME.
TG: calm down princess john will like it
TG: shit hell like anything we do for him so dont worry about that
TG: ill keep him occupied until its time to bring him over there just let me know
CG: OBVIOUSLY. THAT'S WHY I'M EVEN TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
TG: love you too
TG: now i need to finish up this mix tape
CG: THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GIVING HIM?
TG: yeah im making the music myself
TG: last time i checked thats a pretty awesome gift as far as they go
TG: also considering im dirt poor
CG: I'M NOT JUDGING YOU OR BEING SARCASTIC, DIPSHIT. I'M SURPRISED, IS ALL.
TG: why thatd id do something nice for him
CG: HONESTLY, KIND OF. FIGURED YOU'D JUST GET HIM A 6 PACK AND THEN LET HIM CHOOSE THE MOVIES YOU CUDDLE UP TO THAT NIGHT. WHICH HE WOULD STILL ENJOY, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
TG: i have an imagination you know
TG: besides thats what we do on a regular basis
TG: gotta mix it up

_____________________________________________________________________

"Yeah, I'm doing well. Classes are going fine. Mmhm. Yeah." You lay back on your bed and stare at your ceiling while you dad prattles on about keeping your grades up and making sure you shower daily and do your laundry on a regular basis.

"What about for your birthday?"

You still your knees that you had been idly knocking together.

"I don't need anything for my birthday, dad... just focus on staying healthy."

"That's really sweet of you, but I can handle sending you a gift."

"Dad, seriously..."

"At least a card, then? Do you need money?"

"Dad..."

"I am not completely helpless, John. You don't have to tell me, anyway. You know I'll just guess."

You huff in frustration but relent. You know getting upset will just make him upset and that's what you want to avoid at all costs. You tell him that whatever he picks out you'll love and you tell him to have a good night and hang up.

Birthday's usually made you extremely happy but you have a feeling this one will probably be the opposite of that. How can you enjoy yourself when-- no, you aren't going to go down that road, right now. Or ever. You are going to take a different road, entirely. You promised yourself, and your dad, and Dave that you would stay positive and you keep your promises.

CG: IS THERE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR YOU WANT?
EB: oh! uh, not really! i'm fine with whatever you pick out. and you know, you don't even have to get me anything! really!
CG: DON'T BE FUCKING STUPID. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU'RE GOING TO GET PRESENTS WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT. NOW, GIVE ME AN ITEM YOU WISH YOU OWNED BUT DO NOT, CURRENTLY. THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO START THIS OFF.
EB: uuuh, i really haven't thought about it!
EB: there is that new nic cage movie that i don't have, yet...
EB: it's probably really cheap, though. it didn't get very good reviews. only get it if it's cheap, okay!!
CG: MONEY IS NOT A PROBLEM, JOHN. GIVE ME THE NAME OF THE FUCKING MOVIE AND IT'S YOURS.
EB: hnnnn
EB: fine... it's season of the witch.
CG: I HEARD THAT MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE. WHY ON EARTH WOUL
CG: DON'T ANSWER THAT, NEVERMIND. OKAY, THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST ANSWERING ME.

The conversation stops there and you're not surprised. You tell Dave, who you are currently hanging out with that Karkat basically told you what he's getting you for your birthday. Dave calls him an amateur and scoffs. He has yet to ask you what you want, himself. Which is strange because you were expecting it from him. Jade and Rose haven't asked either. Maybe they have something in mind. You shouldn't think about it too deeply or else you might not be surprised when they give you the gifts!

_____________________________________________________________________

Jade asks to meet up after her lecture a week before John's birthday. You meet her in the court yard of the small community college she attends and she bounces up to you, cheerfully as always.

"Did I keep you waiting?"

"Naw..." You slide your phone in your back pocket and meet her half-way. "So, what's the deal for today?"

"I want you to help me pick something out for John. I have an idea but I want a second opinion. Everyone else is still in class and I want to do it when I know we won't bump into John. That'd be awkward!" She laughs and starts walking. You follow her lead.

"What do you got in mind?"

"John really likes lounging around and watching movies. Everyone's first instinct is to get him a movie and I want to be more imaginative than that! So, I'm thinking about getting him onesy pajamas!"

You catch yourself chuckling at the idea. "Didn't take you for a trickster, Harley."

"I would love to see his face when he opens his present and sees giant one-sized pjs! Haha! Can you imagine?!"

"Oooh yeah."

"I want to get the most girly, yet wearable pair that I can find. And if we come across something that might be a better idea for a present, that's where you come in. Just let me know if something catches your eye."

"Sure thing, though I think your idea is golden."

"You think!"

"Oh yeah. I think we'd all get some enjoyment out of that..."

She takes you to a small bedtime apparel shop you didn't even know existed. It's even more surprising to find a whole section on footy pajamas. She tells you they are gaining popularity again and you fight the urge to buy one for yourself-- for ironic reasons, only. She looks through the pink ones but says that if it's too girly, he won't even wear it.

"He'll wear it once so that I can see him in it, but I'll never hear about it again because he'll be too embarrassed to ever use it again. Probably find it in a Goodwill or something, later on... Oh!" She pulls out a sky blue one with a cloud emblem sewn on the chest. "This one's neat!"

"That is his favorite color..."

"I think it gives off a John kind of feeling, too but let's keep looking around." She folds the pj over her forearm and sifts through the rest of the rack. You decide to stop standing like a doofus and start from the other end. There, you find white ones with bunny years and you immediately pull it out.

"Jade."

"Oh my God! Those are so fucking cute!!!" She squeals and takes the garment from you. "Wow, I might need to get myself a pair! This is ridiculous!"

You snort a laugh.

After a while of browsing, she ends up choosing the cloud footy pajamas. you offer to help pay but she refuses to take your money. Tells you it's her present and to find your own.

You both leave the small shop and she suggests getting some ice coffee. Shrugging, you lead her to the nearest coffee shop and she takes out her phone and texts Rose.

"She'll meet us there! Do you have anything you need to do today, or are you free to hang out?"

"Naw, I'm free."

This seems to please her and she hurries you to the cafe. Rose doesn't take long to meet the two of you there and she gets her coffee and joins you at the small table next to the back window.

"See! I think he will love them! And it'll be nice to lounge around in when he has his ridiculous movie marathons! Right, Dave?" She beams you a smile and you sip your ice coffee with a tight nod.

"That is adorable, Jade. He's going to be beside himself with happiness." Her eyes dart to you and you tense up under their pressure. "What about you? Have you figured out what to get our friend?"

"I got half the present, yeah..."

Jade gasps. "What are you getting him?! I'm so curious!"

"Relax... I'm making him a mix tape. 'S all I got, so far..."

"A mix tape, of your own music?" Rose puts down her cup and blinks at you.

"No shit, my own music. Why would I give him other people's music? That's not personal or special at all... not when I can make that shit, myself."

"That's soooo sweet, Dave! My present is nothing compared to yours!"

"Naw, yours is good..."

Jade turns to Rose and laughs.

"What about you, Rose. Did you get him anything, yet?"

Rose puts up her index finger and leans over to pull something out of her purse. She puts a small card on the table. She tells Jade to open it and you watch as her eyes widen and her mouth falls slack.

"No way..."

"Way."

"But, that's like..."

"I know."

"Is someone going to let me in on this or..."

Jade puts the card in your hands and you glance down at it. You then double-take.

"Jesus, Lalonde... that's..."

"A plane ticket to Washington."

"That's like a couple hundred bucks, right? How'd you..."

"Wealthy mother and a bleeding heart. It's my curse." She shrugs.

"Well, damn! You win! Doesn't even matter what Karkat gives him! Wow..." She throws her arms up dramatically and lets them fall with a defeated huff.

You are completely speechless. John is so lucky to have friends like this. You're almost angry that you didn't think of it, yourself... not that you could actually pull this off but it still hurts your pride. For a split second, you imagine you're the one that got him the ticket and you imagine his surprised face and the tears that prickle at the edge of his eyes. You imagine him smothering you in a hug that you don't want to ever end--

"Dave! Are you spacing out?" Jade waves her hand in front of your face and you blink at her.

"What?" You say because she can't see your eyes through your shades to tell if you're paying attention or not.

"We have to go! We're meeting up with John and Karkat for a study group. You can join us if you want?"

"I better go back to my place and work on my tape..." You stand up with the group and shove your hands in your pockets parting ways. Jade gives you a tight hug and thanks you for helping her out.

When you get back to your apartment, you spend the rest of the night locked in your studio. You have the entire song written. You just have to record it. It's been a while since you recorded yourself singing and you are almost embarrassed to even try. Playing it back, it sounds listenable and you compress it and add it to your playlist. Later that night, John comes over and tells you about some test he has that's coming up and he's stressed. You tell him to just chill out for the rest of the night and that you know he's been studying.

He flops down on your couch and waits for you to bring over the bowl of popcorn before he asks what you did all day. You tell him nothing interesting and he pouts and pops a kernel into his mouth.

"Guess neither of us are having a good time..."

"Well, I mean, you can pick the movie, if you want. Got Netflix working. You can browse it if you want."

"But it's your turn!"

"I don't mind... Go for it."

John snatches up the remote and clicks through the movies. He first goes to action but decides to switch to comedy, but comes up with nothing. He ends up choosing the first season of IT Crowd. You can appreciate that.

"Dave..."

"Yeah, man."

"My dad's still in the hospital from the same cold..."

"Whoa, hasn't it been like, two weeks?"

John nods and you see him chew at his lip.

Sighing, you scoot closer and slink your arm around his shoulders. "C'mere..." He wiggles into the crook under your arm and rests his head on your shoulder.

"S-sorry..."

"No big deal."

"Okay... Thank you."

He eventually falls asleep in that position and once his breathing evens out and you notice his eyes glued shut, you allow yourself to relax into him, laying your cheek ever so carefully on the top of his head. You really are excited about his birthday. You want to see his face when he opens Jade's present, and when he gets the plane ticket to go visit his dad from Rose. And you're sure whatever Karkat gets him will make him smile that beautiful smile that you are so used to. But, most of all, you want to see him listen to your music. You want to sit alone in a room with him and watch him hear the music that you made with him as the muse. And you want to tell him how much he inspires you, show him how much he means to you.

You just realized what the other part of your present will be.

Chapter Text

GG: alright here’s the haps!
TG: shoot
GG: our reservation isnt until 8, so just keep him occupied until then.
TG: what like the whole day
TG: are you sure thats less suspicious than just picking him up before heading over there
TG: i mean i would suspect something if i were him
GG: no it has to be like this!!
GG: hehehehe! :B
TG: i feel like
TG: theres some ulterior motive you guys got cookin
TG: like you want him to spend the entire day with just me for romantic reasons when that isnt even a thing
GG: it is so a thing…
GG: and anyway, that wasn’t the entire reason but we all felt like it wouldn’t hurt!
GG: it’s okay to enjoy yourself too, you know.
TG: youre evil
GG: you are secretly happy, don’t deny it!!
TG: whatever
TG: 8 oclock right
GG: yes! and don’t let him know what’s going on until he gets there! we want him to be completely surprised!!
So, you have an entire day to give him your presents. Or should you wait until the party and hope he wants to come over afterward so that you can watch him listen to your music. And you still have to get the other part ready. You’re pretty sure this is the best you can do and you think it will get your point across. It’s not something you want the others seeing, it needs to be completely private. It’s not every day Dave Strider gets sentimental. You have to secure your street cred— show no weaknesses.
Now where did you put the bottle of glitter? John’s about to get the best fucking birthday card he’ll ever receive.
__________________________________________________________________
“Yes, I’m doing better… they’re only keeping me in the hospital to monitor me as a precaution because of the chemo. But I’m feeling fit as a fiddle, John. Don’t worry.”
“Alright…”
There’s a short silence and you want to see your dad yourself just to make sure he’s not lying.
“Are you doing anything for your birthday? That’s coming up in the next week.”
“Uh, I don’t know… probably just hang out with my friends.” How can he expect you to brag about having a good time when he’s suffering?
“Well, I hope it’s enjoyable for you…”
“It will be, yeah. I mean, this is the first time I’ll be celebrating with them, so that’s exciting. I dunno what we’re going to do, yet. I’ll probably come up with something and then invite them all…”
“So, are you sure there’s nothing specific you want?”
“No, dad. I am really fine with everything I have. You don’t have to give me anything…” You have this conversation every time you’ve talked to him the last few weeks. It was starting to grate on your nerves.
“Well… alright.”
You talk a little longer before he tells you he’s getting tired and that you should go to sleep, as well because it was later where you are than where he is. You tell him you love him and to have a good night and hang up.
The last thing you want to think about is your birthday. You really don’t want anyone to go out of their way to cheer you up, anymore. You are working very hard on keeping yourself in high spirits and when someone struggles to do the same for you, it makes you feel really guilty about complaining. It’s not as bad as it was when you first found out about your dad, but you’re not completely back to normal, yet.
You spend the rest of your night talking to Dave to calm yourself down. You don’t bring up anything that might upset you because you just can’t deal with your own problems right now. He doesn’t push the subject too hard. You’re thankful for that.
__________________________________________________________________
After making the most ironically girly birthday card you could ever imagine, you leave your apartment to climb up to the roof. Up there, the sky is big and bold and there’s a large flat area which wold be the perfect place for laying.
You walk around the roof top, kicking random scraps of metal and trash. Other people had been up here so you have to make sure that doesn’t happen on John’s birthday. You also hope that the sky is clear enough so your plan isn’t ruined completely. When John is ready to listen to your CD, you will take him up to the roof and waiting for him will be a blanket to sit upon, a CD player for the music and some the sky for emphasis. Maybe the moon will be nice and full, that would be choice. Maybe you should look at a moon chart.
This is the other part of your present. The perfect atmosphere for the perfect song that will show John just how much of an impact he’s had on your life. Thinking about it makes your heart clench a little and your face hurt which is confusing to you but you figure it’s just another side effect of being around John. Not so bad.
You plan on sweeping up the area and maybe getting some food before bringing him up here.
“Maybe I’ll leave the bowling alley early, or do it in the morning before I go get him…” You think. The only thing that could really ruin this is if someone is up here that night and you can see yourself going ballistic on anyone who doesn’t give up this area for your best bros special day. This is so nerve racking.
There are a lot of reasons why you are nervous.
__________________________________________________________________
You forget that your birthday is coming up. In fact, the thought of even doing something doesn’t even cross your mind when you are reminded of the special day.
“So you really aren’t planning something for your birthday?” Jade pouts at you and you glance up from your food.
“I wasn’t really thinking about it… Is there really a reason for me to absolutely do something on my birthday?” You choose to ignore the glances your friends exchange with each other.
“Well, it is your birthday…” Rose says.
“Normal people like doing shit on their birthday and getting showered with presents. Are you broken John? Can you even hear me speaking?” Karkat jabs.
“So you’re saying that you don’t plan on doing anything in particular on your birthday?” Rose asks.
You shake your head and take a bite of your sandwich. In doing this, you miss the smirks that pass between your friends. Unbeknownst to you, but beknownst to everyone else, you are going to be doing a few particular things on your birthday whether you are in the mood or not. If you knew this little bit of information, even without the specifics, you would probably try your hardest to get out of it because not being in the mood is a very good excuse for not participating in something.
“So, you’re just going to sit around your room and do nothing all day?”
“Avoid the light like a vampire?”
“Be a useless piece of shit?”
“I’ll probably also go bug Dave or you guys to watch a movie or something… I dunno. Whatever I feel like doing on that day, I guess.”
“If that’s what you want! We’ll be okay with anything, right guys?” Jade nudges Karkat and he nods, grudgingly.
You continue to be completely unaware of the plan your friends have brewed up for you as you sink your teeth into your turkey sandwich which doesn’t have mayonnaise because you are not a fan of that white, creamy, seed of Satan. You are also completely unaware of the wonderful night you will most definitely have with your favorite person in the world on April 13th. And quite possibly the thing you are mostly unaware of is just exactly how unaware you really are.
__________________________________________________________________
TG: exactly how long is this bowling thing gonna be
TG: i might be stealing him away for the rest of the night
TG: and fuck you before you even think about turning that into anything it definitely doesnt belong being
TG: i feel like you all get off on the idea of john and i doing in the back of my car
TG: or on my couch while some shitty 80’s movie plays in the background
TG: and dont even think about imagining us doing the horizontal love dance in my studio because i am not going to risk ruining any of that expensive equipment
TG: do you know how much a turntable costs???
TG: and i have like four of them or some shit
TG: i think if john and i were to ever connect in some sexual greco-roman two-man orgy
TG: itd break more than the palpable sexual tension you all seem to see between us
TG: that actually doesnt exist
TG: i think i forgot my original reason for texting you
TG: oh yeah so how long are we bowling
CG: WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
CG: ASK JADE.
Jade tells you that it is going to go on until around midnight and you tell her that’s fine when she asks if you needed to be somewhere. You also relent and tell her about your plan. The roof will be cleared and a comfortable laying area will be set up right in the middle. John will be lead up to the roof, blindfolded and then you will sit him down and turn on the music and you will not say a word. Hopefully, he won’t either. Jade sounds very enthusiastic about this idea and is sure John is going to have the best birthday of his entire life. You sure hope so.
You are then pressed, again, on the matter of your feelings about said boy and you angrily deny them, per usual.
GG: admit it!!!
TG: admit what you arent making any sense
TG: you crazy person
GG: omg, dave, you know exactly what i am talking about!
GG: there is no way a best friend would do what you are doing for another guy unless it was because there were stronger feelings involved!!!
TG: youre saying you wouldnt do the same for john
GG: not to that extent, no!
TG: youre a bad friend
GG: aarrrgggghhh!! you are being so dodgy!!
TG: dont know what you mean
GG: i just want you to come to terms with your feeeeeeeelings!
TG: jade stop
GG: not until you be truthful with me and yourself.
TG: i am always truthful
GG: you are so sarcastic all the time that im not even sure if what you just said was sarcasm or not…
TG: i was actually being serious
TG: i can do that sometimes you know
TG: im not a heartless sarcastic machine
GG: i know you arent…
GG: you are a deeply emotional being that uses defense mechanisms to lead everyone away so that you dont get hurt!
GG: wow, i sound like rose! haha :B
GG: i think you actually get really attached to people and john is the first to become so wrapped up in your web-like life!
TG: so that means im in love with him
GG: no, but it helps. we all think you have feelings for him from how you look at him and what you do for him and how close the two of you are. we can just feel it when you are together, or when you talk about him and vice versa!
TG: wait he talks about me
GG: yeah, like all the time!
TG: no shit
TG: whats he say
GG: SEE! right there! sooo obvious!
TG: shut up i am legitimately curious
GG: he just brags about how funny you are and how cool he thinks you are and how attractive
TG: are you fucking with me
GG: hehehehe, yes, i am. that last one was a lie, but still!!!
GG: my point stands.
TG: im not convinced
GG: im not trying to really convince you, more like trying to get you to convince yourself!
TG: okay lalonde
GG: okay, so the two of us might have had a few discussions pertaining to the two of you, and i MIGHT have learned a few terms and sayings from her but i think i am justified in my thinkings!! :B
TG: whatever
This was starting to become every conversation with the three of John’s— you’re friends. He gets upset when you call them his friends when you should be considering them your own friends, as well. You have to work on that, though. You are trying. But the constant pushing of relieving some deep emotion attached to your friend was really grating on your nerves.
TG: sup
TT: Just wondering if you were planning on ending your romantic night with John on his birthday with a good night kiss.
TG: oh god not you
CG: IF YOU NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO GO ABOUT CONFESSING, I DO LITERALLY KNOW SOME GREAT WAYS TO SAY IT WITHOUT YOU SOUNDING LIKE A TOTAL INFANT.
TG: hey whats up jade
GG: tell him!!!! it will make him the happiest man in the world, i know it!
Gripping your phone as tightly as possible, you fight back the urge to throw it against the wall when it buzzes one more time. You angrily unlock the screen and as you see the blue text, you feel the anger physically drain out of you.
EB: so, i know you’re probably sick of hearing this kind of thing from me, but my dad’s out of the hospital and everything seems to be going back to normal…
EB: er, or as normal as chemo therapy should be…
TG: naw i like to know that everythings fine
TG: an thats great im happy for him
TG: hell make it john
EB: heh heh, yeah now i’m starting to really believe that!
TG: just now
TG: shouldve been believing it the whole time
EB: i know but it’s just hard, i guess…
TG: yeah
EB: but thanks for putting up with me and stuff… i really need to thank everyone, actually…
TG: its really nothing
TG: dont mention it
EB: i still feel like i should really repay you!!!
EB: heh heh and don’t say ‘you could kiss me,’ again!
EB: you can’t overuse jokes!
Swallowing the lump that forms in your throat is one of the hardest things you will do, tonight. The other is holding back telling him it wasn’t a joke.
__________________________________________________________________
You cannot believe you just wrote that. Why would you bring it up again? You’re probably the stupidest idiot on the face of the Earth, right now. You just couldn’t seem to stop your fingers before it was too late and now you feel like a grade A tool and the seconds you wait for his reply are the most agonizing of your life. Only when he finally does, do you let go of the breath you were apparently holding.
TG: tch yeah that shits old news
TG: gotta come up with something even more outrageous and shocking now.
EB: oh no!! heh heh! .
TG: yeah its gonna be something intense .
EB: you know what else is intense?
EB: camping. .
TG: get out.
EB: no, i’m staying right here. .
TG: no youre leaving get out.
EB: make me. .
TG: i will pick you up and lob you out the damn door john dont think i wont.
EB: you can’t even lift your equipment, how are you going to lift me? .
TG: this is all metaphorical meaning i can lift anything i want
TG: including your fat ass.
EB: !!!!!! .
TG: yeah i said it someone had to.
EB: do you really think my ass is fat….
TG: the fattest.
EB: oh my god, dave! are you serious or just being sarcastic? .
TG: whoa i am just joking around
TG: didnt think you had beef about your weight or even your appearance.
EB: well, i… i don’t know. everyone wants to look good, right? .
TG: i am shrugging
TG: not everyone cares i guess.
EB: yeah, guess i don’t for the most part….
TG: besides your ass is fine.
EB: oh….
TG: there i said it
TG: egbert the fine ass
TG: that would be your title
TG: id dub thee myself.
EB: i’m honored.
Smiling at your phone, the conversations turns into more banter and you dwell on the fact that Dave said you had a fine ass. Sure, pulling the whole “oh, I have insecurities about my looks so that you can tell me how wrong I am to make me feel better” is really immature but for some reason, you are just not on your game verbally today and you’d rather go with it than fight against it and just not talk to anyone.
Dave is always an exception. Always.
You start to wonder if he is going to give you something for your birthday. Maybe everyone has something planned but you don’t think they’d go that much out of their way to please you when you have reminded them over and over that they didn’t have to. But you think if you could just spend the day with Dave, chilling out and maybe having him wait on you, hand and foot, it would be a really wonderful birthday—
There is something wrong with your brain today. You go to bed, early.

Chapter Text

You don’t feel any older. Technically speaking, you are older every second you continue to live, but it never feels like you’re actually growing old. Only when you look back on the things you used to like or used to do or how you looked, are you reminded of the weight of old age pressing down on your shoulders. Twenty Two is not the age you wish you were but it’s the age you are and that is something you are going to have to cope with on your own, as you stare out the window the morning of your birth. You hear a rumble of thunder in the distance and think about what you could possibly do today while it storms out. Duh, you’re going to watch movies. As if that is even a legitimate question to ask you. Then again, you don’t really need a reason to stay at home and watch movies. You could do that on the prettiest of days. Someone can come over and tell you, John, it’s a beautiful day outside! Why are you spending it alone in front of your television? You would reply something along the lines of whatever movie you decided to watch that day. Like, I can’t say no to Nic Cage’s face on the cover, staring right into my soul. Or, Mcconaughey was just begging me to watch him! The point is, it’s rainy out, it’s your birthday, you’re going to not get dressed and you’re going to pick a movie, and by golly, you’re going to watch it.

This doesn’t happen, to your much chagrin. You manage to get through the credits of your movie before you hear knocking at the door. Grumbling, you get up to answer it. Your best bro and the greatest person you know, Dave Strider stares you back in the face behind his thick shades. You see your reflection smile broadly as you usher him inside.

“Glad you’re awake, birthday boy.” He notices your paused movie. “Are you really watching a movie, already? You don’t have time for this shit, get ready…”

You flop down on the couch, anyway.

“But I just started it and I already planned on watching this movie and more and not leaving my house today…” You whine.

“Oh well, get up.” He walks over to the couch and stares down at you with his hands shoved into the pockets of his wet jacket.

“You could just join me, you know…”

“Nope, we got plans.”

“I’ve never heard of these plans.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’re apart of them.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. We’re going to spend the entire day together doing shit that you want because it’s your birthday.”

“What if I want to stay in my pjs and watch my movies all day?”

“That is not an option, you do that most days. John, seriously, get up before I make you get up and dress you again like I did that one time when I saved your pathetic ass from an emotional suicide.” He shifts onto the other foot and gives you a slight frown.

He’s got you there. You sigh and get up moaning dramatically about how you would rather just lay about all day and Dave is being a bossy parent and you joking call him mom.

“And I will hear no if’s, and’s or but’s, mister.” You hear as you slam your bathroom door in his face, laughing.

First, he takes you out for food. Says it’s all on him and to eat as much as you like. You’re hesitant at first but a real meal is always appreciated when you’re a college student. He tells you, when you ask, that it’s alright and he had some money saved specifically for this meal so you should definitely stuff your face. Which you do. You ask him if this is your present from him and he says no, that it’s just going to be a special day for you in general. He tells you to consider him your own personal butler for the day and you fight back the heat that rises to your cheeks.

You end up ordering the eggs benedict and procede to shovel it into your mouth. Dave only orders a coffee and two eggs and you hope to god it’s because that’s his usual breakfast and not because he doesn’t have enough money to buy himself a sustainable meal, as well.

The rain continues to fall and you don’t know what to do next.

“If you say, go see a movie, I will probably hit you.” Dave says, watching you stare blankly out the window of the dinner you both ate at.

“Well, what else is there to do?”

“Shit, I dunno…”

“Video games.”

“Yeah.”

“Uh, we could go to an arcade?”

“We could.”

“Do you want to?”

“John.” Dave gives you a stern look and you blink away, laughing.

“Alright, alright…”

Dave pays for your meal and you leave the dinner.

____________________________________________________________

You have been nervous since the moment you woke up. That’s actually a big fat fucking lie. You’ve been nervous since before you went to sleep. You’re surprised you even could sleep considering how many butterflies were fucking around in your stomach.

They’re still there, the fluttering bastards.

John doesn’t like new games. He’s a decade behind everyone else, so when he kicks your ass in Tekken, you’re only slightly peeved. You play him in Guitar Hero just to win back some of that former glory.

His pockets jingle with the amount of quarters he’s shoved in there. He bounces around to make the sound again, like a rhythm. You’re already thinking up another song, but it’s too late to add it to his present. The next time, you think, if he doesn’t end up hating you after tonight.

You’re biggest fear is scaring him away. The possibility that he will misinterpret— no, he’ll understand your feelings exactly, and it will freak him out just like that one time in the car, but instead of ignoring you for a week, it will be indefinitely. You will never speak to John Egbert again and that chills you to the bone.

Determination for the possibility of seeing him happy because of it is the only thing driving you. It must be a pretty big thing to be able to stomp the fear out before it can reach your motor skills.

John wants to play DDR, and he does it in beginning mode.

You are in love with this man.

In insists on buying himself a drink when you offer after he’s had his fill. Says he has to get rid of the quarters some way and beating you again in a game is just not fun enough. You punch him and he laughs and this is how you want to be forever. But the realization that night is approaching and that once you bring him up to your roof, there will be no turning back. You are quieted.

____________________________________________________________

This has been the best day ever. And when you tell Dave this, he assures you it’s going to get better. Excitement runs through your blood as you think of the possibilities. How could it get better? This is literally god tier level of fucking fantastic. Free food, arcade, hanging out with your best friend as he takes you all over town and shows you the places he’s never told anyone he knew about. Like the small ice cream place down the alley across from the club he performs at. How they make their own ice cream and the owners hardly speak English. Or the old toy shop that’s hidden behind the down town library. They have those hilarious monkey wind-up toys with the little chimes and cowboy and Indian outfits that you force Dave to try on with you because it is your birthday, after all. He dawns a cowboy hat and vest and clips on the belt with the toy gun holsters and makes a face at you while you put on a leather vest and headdress.

“Reach for the skyyyy…” he drawls out slowly and points a small silver gun at you.

You laugh and put your arms up, but little does he know, there is a tomahawk in your hand and you jump at him, giving out a great howl.

“Oh shit,” and he runs and you both get kicked out of the store for inappropriate behavior.

When the sun sets, Dave tells you to keep your appetite because there’s another surprise in store for you. He won’t tell you more than that when you climb into the passenger seat of his car and he revs up the engine. He’s pretty quiet the entire ride there and it really unsettles you! Joke telling only slightly eases the tension in the little car and the only thing that completely snaps it is your excitement when he pulls up to the run-down bowling alley on the outskirts of the city.

____________________________________________________________

You could turn back now. Not literally, smartass— but you could just decide to not take him up to your roof tonight and embarrass yourself completely under the judging eye of all the fucking stars in the universe. You could really, truly save yourself tonight. Or, you could go through the worst humiliation of your life and ruin a perfectly good friendship. Those are the options running through your head as you walk through the sliding doors of the bowling alley. You swallow back a lump of bile.

____________________________________________________________

“Hey guys!” Jade meets you at the door and gives you a tight hug. “Happy birthday, John! Are you ready to get your ass kicked?”

“Underestimating me is your second mistake. Your first is challenging me.” You say and she gives you a sly look. Her attention suddenly snaps to Dave and you walk passed her when you notice Karkat and Rose.

“Happy birthday, John.” And she gives you a hug.

Karkat slaps you on the shoulder which is just great because any sort of affection from him is so rare that he must really mean it.

“Did you guys really plan all this out for me?”

“Of course we did. Did you really think we would just let you do your own thing on your birthday?” Jade says walking up.

“Haha, guess not!”

“Okay, now seriously. We’ve been here for 45 minutes and I am starting to wonder if we’re even going to play a fucking game, so get your shoes, already.”

You look down at Karkat’s feet and notice he’s already wearing bowling shoes.

____________________________________________________________

Jade passes by John after greeting him with a hug and birthday wishes and blinks up at you.

“Are you ready for tonight?”

You can’t bring yourself to respond. You might throw up all over her if you open your mouth.

“Come on, it’s not going to be bad! You’re really worrying too much. I bet once you get up there and turn the mood on, John will literally be the happiest man on Earth.”

“We’ll see.” And she gives up and goes back to the group. You will probably hang back while everyone enjoys the night because your mood might ruin it for John and that would be awful.

What actually happens is you are forced to first only get bowling shoes. John tells the guy behind the counter your shoe size when you weren’t paying attention and puts them on you, himself. There is no real reason why you let this happen. It was more like you couldn’t say no for whatever reason that Rose could probably describe in a few sentences but giving her that satisfaction leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

This night is not about you.

____________________________________________________________

Dave is really good at bowling but you won’t be beat!

____________________________________________________________

Are you fucking kidding me.

____________________________________________________________

Karkat wins two of the three games you play with Dave winning the last one. You think it’s because he was getting so annoyed with Karkat that he stepped up his game for the last one. It’s really funny.

Chapter Text

When it's time for cake and presents, you sit anxiously around a small table with John and his chattering friends. Suddenly, everything feels really alien and you do not belong here. Forcing yourself to stay seated, and taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself, you keep your mouth tightly shut in case you throw up the pizza you shoveled into your mouth earlier that night. Even though making John happy is top priority, it's not only one step closer to the rest of the night, but it's also a test to see if they can make him happier than you and the selfishness of that thought makes you sick.

You nervously watch the workers at the alley bring John his cake and everyone sings and you move your mouth to trick everyone but nothing is coming out. You don't trust your voice to stay even.

Watching John bashfully accept the cake and the singing, he blows out the candles and everyone claps.

After a few slices of the cake, Jade brings over a small pile of presents and you watch John protest in vain.

"Okay! This one's from me! Dave helped me pick it out." Jade gives you a glance and you nod curtly when he looks at you for validation. "Okay, open it up!" She claps and bounces next to him in her seat.

"What could this possibly..." And then his face brightens up as he sees the soft blue fabric and the cloud patch. You watch him run his fingers over it as Jade explains what possessed her to get it for him. He thanks her with a big hug and she squeezes back before pushing the next present into his lap.

"Oh jeez, guys... you really didn't have to!" He takes the next very square package.

"This one's from Karkat!"

John eyes the package and shakes it. The wrapping is a neutral gray with a faded red bow stuck to the top.

"Don't shake it, dipshit!" Karkat spits out at John and he laughs and begins to tear off the neatly taped wrapping paper.

"Oh... my God... OH MY GOD, KARKAT." John blinks up at his friend with a slack jaw. "I... How did you... find... Oh my GOD!" You creen your neck to see what's in the box and it looks like DVDs but you can't be sure what's on them. You have a few guesses, though.

As if he was reading your mind, John holds up the present to reveal a collection of special edition Nic Cage movies and John has tears in his eyes. You shake your head in a mock-disapproving manner and he beams you a killer smile.

The last present is shoved into his hands and this is the one that is going to really knock him out of his slime ghost boxers. You swallow a lump in your throat because this is what kind of really hurts. You would give anything to be able to give him such a meaningful, perfect present and even though you are really jealous that she was able to do this for him and you couldn't, you're still incredibly thankful someone could. This isn't about you, Strider.

John's face goes blank of expression when he opens the envelope.

____________________________________________________________

It takes a moment to register what is in this tiny envelope. You have to take a minute to read the fine printed words and then you look up at Rose and she lowers her head slightly with the smallest of smiles on her face. You look back at the envelope and try to find your voice.

"This..."

Nope, it's not working. You cannot even form the right words in your mind, let alone push them through your vocal chords. What you are looking down at in your hands, is a plane ticket to Washington. It's dated for after finals and it's for a month. A round trip to see your father and you have no idea how to express what you are feeling right now.

Looking up at Rose again, you attempt talking again.

"Rose... I don't know what to say..." How very eloquent of you, dingus.

"No thanks needed, John. It was really my pleasure. I want you to be able to visit your father, especially if he's sick so just take the ticket and tell him I said 'hello.'"

____________________________________________________________

He throws his arms around her neck, regardless and hugs her tightly. You hope he doesn't start crying because you can't handle that on top of all of this, yourself.

You have to explain to him that your present was part of Jade's just so he doesn't go snooping to see if you have any surprises for him and the party mellows out from there.

____________________________________________________________

Jade dances to the crappy pop music that plays and asks for one more game but it’s almost midnight bowl and Dave says he’s got other things to do, tonight. You notice a look of realization hit Jade’s face and you wonder what that’s all about!

Dave says you have to go with him and you guess that must mean there is one more thing in store for you, tonight.

You will be alone with Dave and for some reason, it seems like it’s going to be really special. You feel your stomach drop in anticipation and you are suddenly really terrified.

Chapter Text

This is it, old boy. You are gearing up for the big game. The ball’s in your court and you hope to god that in this particular analogy you are the BIG MAN.

Glancing over at John, you notice he’s staring out the window and your hands are slick with sweat. Not cool. Get yourself together, Strider. Don’t be a fucking girl about all this. It’s really no big deal. He’ll think the tape is a perfect representation of your friendship and that will be it.

No, that’s a lie. You have had this conversation with yourself in your head for the entire day. If John doesn’t get that you are madly in love with him, if he doesn’t see how deeply you feel and how much you just want to make him happy, then you will play along because it only matters that he’s around. If this all backfires on you and you end up losing the single most important person in your life, it might be an emotional suicide.

You swallow hard and steal another side glance at John. He’s staring down at his hands and his expression isn’t the happy one you were graced with all day. Time to break this awkward ass silence.

___________________________________________

This has been the longest car ride you’ve ever experienced. Most of your energy has been forcing the color from your face so it’s not so obvious how conscious you are that you are Dave are alone and that this might make you a lot more happy than you’d like to let on.

It occurs to you that you have been staring out the window in thought for too long and he’s probably noticed and that is embarrassing. You do not want to make him feel like he’s boring you or making you uncomfortable, even if you are uncomfortable.

Never bored, though. That is one thing that is always a constant. Dave does not bore you.

When you glance over at him, he looks like he’s concentrating intensely on the road and you look down at your hands, feeling a little defeated because you should be talking his ear off and laughing and thoroughly enjoying this car ride but the feelings are just not coming to you.

And furthermore, where is he even taking you? That is what should really be occupying your mind, right now. Maybe he is going to take you to a movie. Your mind wanders to a dark place you never consciously want to go and you stop it in its tracks and think of another possibility. It could just be a normal night, like usual. Back at his place, mixing music or watching movies or talking things out on the roof. This thought calms you down but feels a little anti-climactic. Jesus fuck, what do you even want to happen? Maybe if you got your priorities right, this wouldn’t even be a conversation you would be having in your head right now, distracting you from your best chum.

“So, rate this birthday…”

You snap your neck sideways at whiplash-inducing force and stare dumbly at him.

He gives you a side glance and smirks for a split second but that is something your eye has been trained in catching. “Your birthday, dingus. On a scale of 1 to off the chizzain.”

You relax a little and let out a relieved chuckle. Tension, broken. “It’s been so sick, the chain isn’t even an issue.”

That impresses him. You are proud.

The car pulls into the garage connected to his studio apartment and you get out, laughing and feeling completely content with life. He leads you up the stairs but instead of going to his apartment, he keeps going up and you follow, confusedly.

“Uhh, are we going to the roof?”

“Patience, grasshopper.”

The journey is silent and you are left to think about what to expect and what is happening.

___________________________________________

The moment of truth. With every step you take, it’s one moment closer to either losing your best friend or keeping him as something more. Reaching that door to the roof top is the hardest thing you have done in a really, really long time.

But, you’re ready.

Chapter Text

The air is warm but crisp. You've always liked it when Dave would bring you to the roof for a midnight jam session. It's clear above the city, and the noise flows up like music and you wonder if Dave feels it. You had asked him once. 'What's it like in the mind of Dave Strider?' you had said and he stared at you for a moment before turning his gaze towards the city and replied with, 'like a radio station, but everything's good shit and there's no commercials.' Being high up with the wind whipping around you is the closest you will ever get to experiencing what it might be like and you are in love with how he talks and how he sees the world and how he's always strong and there for you. There is something very calming about Dave's presence and you are so fortunate to be able to feel it whenever you want. You think about how lucky your life is at this moment. It was a real shot in he dark moving to a completely new state at the almost opposite side of the country. New climate, new people, new school, and being away from the man who raised you. It was all very hard in the beginning and now look at your life. There is so much support. You've met the most wonderful people-- they are all so caring and fun and you are so, so happy. A life without knowing all of these fantastic people is no life at all, you are certain.

"You ready for your present, John?"

His voice is low and soothing and that snaps you out of your thoughts. You scramble for a "y-yeah!" and follow him to the spot that seems like it was made for you. He tells you to sit down and then leaves for a second, coming back with a bag and sets it down next to you.

"I, uh... had some trouble coming up with something to give you that wouldn't be completely fucking stupid..." You laugh at his choice of words and he continues, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. "After I saw what everyone else was giving you, I thought, 'man... how the fuck am I supposed to top that?' I mean, you basically are set in the friendship department. What else could you possibly ask for? So I figured, shit, let's make him something..." He digs through the bag and pulls out a small envelope and hands it to you. "So, part one. Made this ish myself..." You take it and open it gingerly. In side is a handmade card with the words "happy birthday or whatever" written across the top in red... glitter? You pull the rest of the card out and...

"It looks like glitter threw up all over this."

"I got a little carried away."

You read the rest of the card while he sits next to you, antsy in his movements. The inside of the card reads:

john
pretty killer that youre already what like 12??? already a man your dad must be so proud of you i know i am
nah but seriously this is cool... glad i was able to meet you etc and hear you play piano and wow this is sounding so shitty let me just cut to the fucking chase already there is glitter everywhere what was i thinking
guess what im trying to say is that i want this to be super special for you and not like a normal birthday usually is but like how you deserve as a fucking perfect human being
im broke as shit and so this is all i could do but i figured its the thought that counts or whatever
now pay attention to the actual me because i am about to blow your fucking mind

love you man
no homo
ds

When you finish reading, Dave has speakers set out and his ipod is hooked up to them and he has the smallest of smiles on his face.

"So, I made this for you, too... Just lay back, get comfortable, whatever, and enjoy." He presses play and the sky swirls and everything is beautiful as the beats pulsate through your entire being.

Listening to Dave's own mixes is equivalent to all of the good feelings the body is capable of feeling at one moment. You ease yourself back and lay down, watching the small amount of stars you can see from the city and planes and sky lights and you imagine a scene play in your head to each song that flows through your ears. Dave eventually scoots down next to you and says absolutely nothing while you drink in all of the beautiful sounds and how is one person able to make something so spectacular with such ease? You think he does it with ease. When you had asked him how long it took to make a song, he had told you it depended on how inspired he was and if it was working or not and that usually, it's around a day or two. You wonder how long it took him to make these songs. They are so soft and soothing and how could he have possibly kept these from you for so long?

"They're all inspired by you, uh, in case you were wondering." He squeaks out and clears his throat and you blink over at him. Is he some sort of mind reader?

"Are... Are you serious? All of them?"

He nods and keeps his gaze set sternly on the sky.

You look back at the sky completely dumbfounded. How could these slow, whispy beats be connected to you in any way? There is no way that he could be able to get this kind of sound from thinking about you. There is just no way. You sneak a side glance at him and are his cheeks red? No, it has to be the lighting from the street. But you can't help wondering...

"Dave..."

He looks back at you and his eyes are so sharp and piercing and you are struck silent by them, forgetting what you were going to say.

"I'm not great with words when it has to do with shit like this, Egbert. Just listen, alright?"

You nod mutely and close your eyes. All will be revealed through this music, you guess.

___________________________________________

You probably smell like sweat because you've been fucking sweating like a whore in church since you opened the door to the roof. This night has been more nerve wracking than any other night in your entire life. Even more than the first time you performed in front of an audience. You had definitely tanked that night and even though you were ignored more than applauded, at least you weren't booed off the stage. Maybe tonight will reflect that. Maybe you won't get the guy but you won't lose him entirely and you cure inwardly as that same thought that's plagued you for too long, creeps it's way back into your head.

Watching John listen to your music is an experience you've enjoyed in the past and that isn't changing tonight. He is so expressive and you can tell how each note makes him feel and it eases your nerves slightly.

As the music continues to play and the two of you lay on the hard concrete and each track flows into the next like clock work. You don't like to toot your own horn but this particular mix has probably been the best one you've ever made. John's lucky. You're lucky. The night air is lucky to be apart of this magical night. The only thing left is the last track and John's reaction and then you will tell him. You will let him know just how deep he's been rooted to your entire being. You will tell him how he's effected your life and showed you the wind and filled you with warmth. You are scared but you are more determined and that is your driving force.

A cloud passes over the moon and you watch it go by slowly until it's passed it and the moon glows beautifully in the sky. As if 0n cue, you look over at John and he's glowing and the last track begins.

It begins with a little piano that you snuck a recording of when John was shitting around on his keyboard in your tiny studio. John recognizes it but it takes him a while. His head snaps in your directions and he babbles.

"That... That's me playing! Whoa! When did you..."

"I'm like a fucking music ninja, didn't you know... now, just listen."

The beat drops in and you see John's foot which he had propped up on his knee sometime during the last few songs, twitch to the beat and that puts a smile on your face. He's enjoying it, so far. But when your voice comes in, you look away because it's suddenly extremely embarrassing for you.

I caught a glimpse out the window
A Polish graveyard filled with widows
I coddle a bottle of warm beer
I see a pool of liquid tears
Glimmering so sweet and mellow
A sea of lilting wilting willow
A secret book of forgotten wishes
Drown in ponds with broken dishes

You peek at John and he's smiling broadly. Letting out a breath of relief, you manage to smile back even if he hasn't looked at you, yet.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know

You know he won't realize how much of an impact he had on you that first night when he introduced himself. How he glowed and you were so surprised he was actually coming up to you. It's a moment that still stays with you, even after being close with him for so long. Even with so many other great memories that could possibly replace it, it will always stay. Simple and beautiful.

You watched the sky
With kaleidoscopic eyes
Howling out right
To the blasphemous night
A wolf in the garden
Why do you linger so
Like a silky snail soul
The moon asked the crow

By this time, John's looking at you and you almost choke on your spit in surprise. Blinking at him, you assess the particular look he's giving you. It's soft and expectant. You feel like you have to say something, that you have to spew all of the pent up emotions and feelings and everything lovey and gushy all over him, but you need to let this song finish and elaborate on it later.

For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow

The song plays through and you wait with baited breath for his reaction. It is the longest few moments of your entire life.

___________________________________________

The song is so beautiful. At some points, you have to hold back a tear because Dave's voice is something you need to hear. It's a necessity to your life and the fact that he did all of this for you, that he took you out all day and made this and is just here, with you... If you were iffy about your feelings before, you are sure as hell aware of them now. You want to tell him how badly in love you are with him but you don't want to interrupt this amazing song and you don't want to get rejected. That is a huge fear and if you could just be around him in any way, that is enough. As long as you don't scare him away. That would kill you, it almost did before.

The song continues and you swell. There is nothing more wonderful than today. Dave wrote this for you, he made it for you, he performed it for you. What could you possibly do to repay him? There is nothing that could top this and you are sad that you can't.

When the song ends, Dave sits up and turns his ipod off and puts the speakers back in the bag. He turns back to you, legs crossed, and clasps his hands together.

"So."

You sit up and smile at him. "That was really great, Dave."

"You liked it?"

"Yeah... a lot..." You look down and smile at your hands and he turns away, chuckling. Dave chuckled and that is so endearing.

"What... uh, what was your favorite song?"

You put a finger to your chin and contemplate this. "Definitely the last song... That... that was really great."

He looks up and lets out a huge sigh and smiles back at you. "I'm really fucking relieved you said that... That is the one song I've been working on for a while... uh..."

A while?

There's a meaningful silence between the two of you as it settles in. Someone needs to talk. You need to talk. Dave talks first.

"Do you remember when we first talked?"

"Yeah?"

"I was really surprised, I guess. I mean, I had noticed you always coming to my shows and it was really interesting. Uh..." He looks down and smiles at his hands which nervously wring in his lap. You continue. "I mean, interesting in the fact that I noticed and because you seemed like you were doing it on purpose. That you wanted to get to know me or some shit... I dunno."

"I did." There, you said it. He looks up at you in surprise and you laugh. "Yeah, I was really into your music and I wanted to know the person that made such sick beats!" You laugh again and he visibly relaxes.

"W-Well, fuck..." He rubs the back of his neck. He's embarrassed. It's so fucking cute. Guess you shouldn't keep all the details from him, since you are basically already on a roll.

"And, I definitely am glad I did it. You're just as cool as your beats!" And you can't hold back the huge smile that crosses your face. He stares at you through his ever present glasses and you want to take them off and see his expression.

He ducks his head and snorts out a sharp, quick laugh and you wonder if this is what bashful looks like on Dave Strider.

"Yeah... I'm glad you approached me because I didn't have the balls to call you out on your creepy stalking. OW." He rubs his sore arm and shoots you an accusatory look. You retract your arm and smirk at him.

He plays the mixtape for you again and you plop down on the blanket next to him and watch the stars and talk about things he knows about astronomy and music and your birthday. This lasts until around 2 in the morning when you Dave has to shake your shoulder gently because you had apparently fallen asleep. You don't know when. Getting up drowsily, you rub your eyes under your glasses and yawn. Dave says he can take you home or you can stay at his place and you sleepily say you don't want to go back to your dorm, so he picks up the blanket and his bag and you force yourself to walk to the door and down the stairs to Dave's apartment.

___________________________________________

John crawls into bed with you and you are not sure if he's pretending to be tired or if he's really just that out of it but letting it happen is probably the best idea you've had in a while.

Chapter Text

That night, you dream about your dad and he is swimming in music and stars. In this dream, he's healthy and you're with him and there is a complete feeling of contentment in your being. Being woken up form this dream would've put you in a bad mood if it weren't for the face that invades your blurry eye sight when you come to. You did crawl right into bed with him last night, didn't you? There was no reason, you just felt like it and what the hell? You guys are basically palhonchos for life and there is nothing that could break that, not even some awkward closeness that means absolutely noth--

No, it means something. You promised yourself that you would stop kidding around when it comes to issues with Dave and that is just what you're going to do. He made you a beautiful gift and risked getting glitter poison just for a stupid birthday that comes every year. You certainly have no reason to think it will be your last birthday with him so why so special a gift? That is something to puzzle on as you stare at his sleeping face.

He doesn't wear his glasses to bed around you, anymore. You have thus taken that as being a personal victory. He must trust you a great deal because those are his barrier to the world. If they are on, no one can get into him. But he lets that guard down around you. Does this mean you could really get under his skin, know everything about him, and allow him to nestle inside of you as a confidante? Of course it does. This swells your chest with warmth and you nuzzle up against him not caring if he wakes up and pushes you away, saying something funny like, "ew bro das gay." But, he doesn't and you stay there, drinking in his scent and relaxing. One of the melodies plays in your head again and you can't help humming it a little and think about how beautiful that is, how beautiful your life is seeming right now. You can go see your dad when school gets let out which is something you couldn't even think about before last night. That is such a relief to you. One huge stress, checked off your list of things to stop worrying about. The other huge one is school but fuck if that will ever get resolved... A third worry is how you feel about this boy laying next to you and what you're going to do about it. If he had just done nothing special for your birthday, you could continue to pretend that being friends is enough for you. But he didn't do something sub-par. He did something amazing, something you want to be able to pay back, something you really want to understand. Why did he go this far for you? Dave's an enigma but you can figure him out.

He stirs and your thoughts stop for a moment as he stretches and rolls onto his stomach, hugging his pillow and smacking his dry lips. You allow a smile to escape and you reach over to brush some hair off of his forehead. This is something you could get used to. Something you want to get used to.

Maybe you should tell him this.

He insists on cooking you breakfast and you let him because having him wake up as you place with his bangs has left you completely defeated and embarrassed and you want to talk as little as possible. He seems to have made it his personal duty to bring it up whenever possible and this just makes you shrink back into yourself more. Stupid Dave.

"I was having this weird dream, you know... that the wind was blowing my hair back. But it wasn't the wind, John."

"Dave, please..."

"In my dreams, you're the wind. It's you."

"Stop."

"Tell me John, is my hair soft?"

You look away, pouting. No, you will not give him this satisfaction.

"Did you smell my hair, John? It smells really great... WHOA." And he dodges the fork you've flung at him. "Kitty's got claws." At least this has lightened the mood for you a bit and Dave stops tormenting you with teasing.

Thunder claps and it's down pouring and neither of you want to leave. Dave looks out the window and shrugs back at you. Means it's your call on what you two spend the day doing and since you don't particularly feel like rushing to your classes, you plot down on the couch and flick on the television. Weather man says it's a big storm so you figure getting comfortable is the best cause for action.

Maybe because of the rain or maybe because of how little barrier you feel between the two of you now makes you scoot almost into his lap when he sits down next to you.

"Whoa Egbert, the kid's are still awake..." He says but doesn't push you away which gives you a kick of confidence that your actions are in the right.

"Let them hear, Dave." And that makes him chuckle. Aw yeah, personal victory.

Last night has made you think about him a lot. You usually think about Dave but you now wonder what he really thinks of you. This is all you can do since you are too chicken shit to right-out ask. But then again, you'll never know unless you go through with it, right? You spend the next hour or so thinking of what to say, filing your thoughts, and building up the courage to ask Dave a simple question.

What are you to him?

_____________________________________________

So, you've noticed John being more affectionate than usual. No big deal. It's not like you're freaking out in your shorts or anything. It's not like your heart's been skipping a beat every time he's looked your way.

This is getting out of control. You need to do something about it and fast. You had figured that if he really understood the meaning of that tape then he probably would've done the confessing first. That was what you were hoping for. But he hasn't said one word about it since last night and is acting strange and there is hope filling up your toes but you refuse to let it get any higher than that. No, sir. You will not let yourself expect something that is not going to happen. At least he's not ignoring you. There is always that to rely on.

Okay, kid. You are going to tell him today and there is nothing that will stop you from attaining that goal and this time, for sure, you will find out if he's okay with the idea of getting to first base or if he's completely disgusted by you.

John crawls into your lap and you are frozen. If someone scanned your brain for activity, they would pronounce you dead because not a single cell in your body moves for the first 5 seconds of this intimate contact. He laughs it off but you are freaking the fuck out in your head. Why did he do that? Why is he so close? Can't he see how awkward this must look? So what if the two of you are completely alone in your small apartment, two bros don't do this shit, unless--

Stop that thought right there. Don't you dare continue on that path, think of something else. Except you can't because John is so warm and he seems like he's really comfortable and what the fuck does that mean?!

"Whoa Egbert, the kid's are still awake..." You manage to squeak out and you hope that he doesn't hear the strain in your voice.

"Let them hear, Dave." He says so nonchalantly and you can't even hold back the laugh that escapes your lips and it's more of a disbelief that you're even in this situation right now. It really shouldn't be that unbelievable, a voice in your head says, you've been closer. You've slept together in the same bed, he's drunkenly nibbled on your ear, or did you forget?

This is going to be a long day.

After a movie that you hardly paid any attention to, John has fallen asleep. You don't want to sit up and disturb him, but you don't want to sit here while he sleeps because that leaves you with your thoughts which are honestly really scaring you right now. They are trying to force themselves out into words that John would be able to hear and understand that is not going to fly with you. You are not ready for the confession, you are not ready to lose your friend. But you don't think you can survive like this much longer. Something's going to have to give.

John sits up a few minutes after the credits stopped rolling and the menu screen plays on repeat and yawns. He looks around in a daze and wipes the drool from his cheek before asking how long he'd been out. You tell him you don't know, 'bout half the movie and he pouts because John does not like missing any of the scenes to the movies he likes.

It's still pouring outside and there is nothing interesting to do so you saunter off to your studio and John follows you like a puppy. When you're settled at your turntables, playing with a few nobs, you notice John fidgeting at your side.

"Need something, bro?" You don't look up from the console.

"Uh... I was just wondering... i-if... uh..." He trails off and you look up at him through your shades and wait for him to gather his words. "Well, the last song on that mixtape you made me was really cool. Hehe, I was just wondering if you'd play it for me... like, live?" He stares expectantly at you and how are you supposed to say no to that face?

You set up your guitar in your lap and run the taped version of some of John's playing you recorded when he wasn't paying attention and the reel of beats you mixed especially for this song as John gets comfortable on the floor in front of you.

As you start out singing, your voice catches and you have to stop and clear it but John doesn't seem to mind. You've sung in front of him countless of times, but this particular song which has so much meaning to you and absolutely no meaning to him is having a hard time escaping your throat. Luckily, like all the other times you sing, you are able to lose yourself and forget that he's here until he's sitting there sobbing and you don't know what to do. You try to shake him out of it and he blinks those incredibly blue eyes up at you and before the words "are you okay?" leave your mouth, he's leaning up, his lips crashing into yours.

_____________________________________________

The song has been stuck in your head all morning but you didn't get the idea to ask Dave for a live performance until he woke you up after the movie. You knew he would agree to it but you were not prepared for the experience of hearing it live.

Hearing Dave sing is something that you've listened to often and even though it's extraordinary, you're basically immune to it.

Except with this song.

Dave opens his mouth and you swear you could see the notes. You sit there, jaw slack, watching those lips move and that throat create noises that are so appealing, you could cry. You do cry, actually. That's when he stops and he's shaking your shoulder slightly. Hearing this song, seeing him sing it in all that awkwardness and hesitance that only Dave can be, you can feel the emotion and know that there is more to this song than just pretty notes and chill beats. Dave doesn't waste effort on things that aren't important. He wouldn't create this unless it was meant to be uniquely special. He didn't make this for a girl he's been pining after. Dave doesn't talk to many people. He made this for you. It's yours.

Your chest fills with warmth and you push yourself forward and do the one thing you've wanted to do for a while, now. You kiss him.

Chapter Text

The basic definition of silence is the complete lack of sound, right? If that's the fucking case, what that hell is that screaming in your ear? No one is making any noises, the track has ended, you could hear a pin drop. So, why is it so loud? It might just be your mind playing tricks on you (it likes to do that, like make you believe you actually have a chance with the love of your damn life), or it could be the blood rushing in your body as it speeds up with every second the realization that John is kissing you comes to fruition.

John is kissing you. He leaned up and he kissed you. This doesn't make any fucking sense because your singing made him cry, first of all, and then he's smooshing those perfect lips against yours and your mind is reeling at 90 miles an hour and you have completely forgotten how to breath.

Okay, calm down. Let's think this through while we try to drink up every moment of this lingering kiss. Your cheeks are damp where his presses against yours. Your noses are touching and his skin is so soft. There is a slight trembling in his shoulders where your hand rests when you tried to shake him out of his daze. His hands are clutching onto you. One's got a vise grip on your shirt while the other one is on the back of your neck. It doesn't hurt but the contact of skin is blazing under his fingers. John tastes like absolutely nothing but maybe because it's just a shallow kiss. If you could just deepen it a little...

Your thoughts are cut off as he's pulling away and sputtering an apology, about how he doesn't know what came over him, how that was out of line, sorry bro, I hope you're not weirded out, it was just the intensity of the moment and how moved he was by the music. Excuses that you are not buying for one God damn second.

"Nah, Egbert." For the first time in a while, you're not forcing your face to come up completely blank. This expression shows how you are feeling on the inside. Unamused by his constant avoidance of whatever it is between the two of you. You've thought about it every night, he's probably done the same. It's time for the both of you to just come to terms with it and put it out in the open like mature adults.

"Wha..." He blinks up at you and you hope to god those impossible blue eyes don't sprout new tears because you are not in the mood to be pushed aside. Not when you have this very important issue to address. He's not getting out of it this time and neither are you.

"You're not getting out of this one."

"I'm not... trying..."

"You apologized."

"Y-Yeah but that's because I didn't think you'd... you know..."

"No. I don't know."

"Wha... I... uh..." He looks away and you are trying your very hardest not to snap. You just want to know what you mean to him. Is that so much to ask for?

"John. John!" He jolts slightly and blinks at you. "Why'd you kiss me?"

His stare lasts longer than you wish it would. You just want an answer and he's not moving and you want so badly to know what's going on in that head of his and you just want his lips to form three simple words that have so much meaning and maybe you are just a spoiled kid asking for things Santa's never gonna bring you because you're a rotten little shit. Sorry, man. Coal again this year. You've earned it.

He finally answers and you see stars.

______________________________________

Wow you are kissing Dave and that is amazing and you are just the bravest person you know. If you were someone else, witnessing this unfold, you would pat yourself on the back and praise yourself because wowee, you are something!

Then the thought occurs to you. Does he want this to be happening right now? He's not pushing you away. Then again, he's not moving, either. He's not giving you any signs that he's not okay or okay with this and that is so fucking confusing why is he always so confusing?

You've been kissing him too long this is weird, you're weird you need to end it and now he's yelling at you. He must've not liked it after all. He just didn't push you away because he's Dave and Dave's a nice guy. That's the reason. Now, you look stupid in front of one of your favorite people in the world and you ruined any sort of perfect relationship you might have built with him and all these months of being so close are now for nothing because you will fall apart again and what is he saying to you, now?

"Why'd you kiss me?"

It takes a moment to register because your conscience is still screaming at you and you're trying to hear everything else over it's voice and that is a very hard thing to do while you're in the middle of beating yourself up over being a dumbass.

Why did you kiss him? Well...

Well, because you were moved. That was the only thing your body wanted to do and you mind allowed it. The song, seeing it played in front of you by the boy who occupies that special place in your heart that you've been holding off for some damsel you would swoop in and save but this isn't one of your movies. This is real life. This is Dave, in the flesh, right in front of you. He's got questions and by God, you're going to give him answers. The only problem is getting your mouth to cooperate but all it wants to do is attach itself to his perfect lips again and that's what's got you into this mess in the first place.

Instead, you bite your lip and you make a whimper that is so unmanly, you're surprised Dave didn't hit you square in the face right then. He really does look like he might, though.

"Well?" He leans in and you have to lean back because he is too close and you're sure you're as red as a tomato right now. How embarrassing.

He sighs, leaning back and running a hand through his hair. You watch it fall perfectly back in place and wonder how hair can be that soft and tame.

"If you're not going to tell me, can I guess?"

You can barely nod but you manage to do at least that and he stares at you with those peircing eyes that you have tried to get used to but when they're aimed at you, it can be fatal. You swallow hard and wait for his guesses. Hey, maybe he's doing it this way to ease your pain? At least you don't have to work up the courage to tell him 'It's because I'm in love with you.' You just have to answer one word. Yes or no.

"I had some food on my lip and you wanted to see what it was so you tasted it yourself."

You almost laugh but it's really hard when you're freaking out. This doesn't seem to please him so you just shake your head, no.

"Hmmm. You like to eat bugs and--"

"No!" You're laughing now and it feels good. He gives you an approving smile. Dave is so great.

"Alright, then..." He drolls on and puts a thoughtful finger to his chin, looking slightly up, contemplating his next guess. "Oh, I got it. You were so moved by the music..."

You nod slowly but he's not convinced and you wince a little when he snaps at you.

"Yeah, haha bullshit. You don't go around kissing people when you like their music."

"You're the only musician I know." You shoot back. This is going to be a bloody battle, you can already tell.

"Touche." He stares harshly at you and backing down is not an option, even though you would like nothing more than to do that. "You think, if say Jade or Rose were to write a song for you, you would kiss them?"

"Bluh! No way! They're my friends!"

"And so what am I?"

He's got you. You are a deer in headlights and this is an awful position to be in. You choose to say nothing in response because you do not trust yourself enough to say something that will work in your favor. What is your favor, anyway?

"What am I to you, John?" And he's raised his voice a little and you're kind of scared but not because of him. There is something in you stirring and it wants out and what that something is, is the truth. "If you wouldn't kiss them, why would you kiss me?" There is an edge to his voice that sounds like a sob but it's not because he's not crying. You are looking right at him and his eyes are dry. He looks pained, though. You are hurting him with your silence. This isn't fair. You should end it. Dave is more important than you are.

_________________________________________

"Because I love you, Dave."

Fireworks go off in your head and if this was some romcom, you would probably be fainting now because this is the happiest moment of your life. You don't know whether to laugh, cry, or jump him right now.

What you should actually do is reply to him. He's sitting there, staring at you with anxious eyes. You realize that taking some anxiety away from this boy would make you feel so accomplished, so worthy of life. You must do it. There are a lot of things you want to do for him and you feel like now you actually can. No more sneaking around and protecting him from afar. No more untitled playlists performed at the club that are just for him. You can label them, now. You can let everyone know that he is special enough to inspire you and that they should feel honored to be dancing to that music. Why are you just thinking about this inside your head, you asshole? You should be telling him all this. But all that comes out of your mouth, because you are a sack of shit is "Yeah, me too."

And there is a short silence before your arms are wrapped around each other and you're up on one knee, buring your face into his neck and nuzzling because you can't seem to get close enough to him. You breath his essence in and you release a shaky sigh and he squeezes you tighter.

He whispers your name into your ear and you pull back to see a smiling John and you are so overwhelmed with feelings that you lean in and plant the smallest kiss on his lips because you've actually never done this before with him and wow you really don't want to fuck this up. He giggles and plants the same type of kiss onto your lips and your heart feels heavy and your stomach drops but it all feels really warm and nice and you could get used to it.

When your lips meet again, it's longer and deeper and your head is swimming. He mouths at you tenderly and it's so slow and soft and sweet. If a cake was a human, and you were kissing that human-cake, this is what it would feel like. A little on the cleaner side, there wouldn't be any white icing smeared anywhere, but you figure that might change if this keeps up.

John pulls away and looks at you with half-lidded eyes and you wonder if he even knows he's giving you this look.

"Dave, seriously... I really love you. Like, a lot a lot. For a while... I'm sorry I never told you. I should've told you a lot sooner, I was just really scared that you would reject me or that we wouldn't be friends anymore or something like that." He looks like he's about to get hysteric, so you peck his cheek with a kiss and tell him to chill the fuck out.

"Yo, chill the fuck out, Egbert. I wouldn't be able to reject you even if I was a chicken shit scaredy pants." He laughs and you shake your head a little. This is all so ridiculous. Keeping your feelings in so long was ridiculous. "You don't gotta worry about none of that anymore. I'm pretty sure if we were in a book right now, we'd be on the same fucking page." John lets out a sigh of breath he was probably keeping in the whole time you were talking and it tickles your cheer and you get a chill down your back that prompts another kiss. This kiss pushes through your feet, up your back and into him, pushing him backwards onto the floor. You are proud to admit, you did not break the kiss through the fall, but you hope his head of back is okay because maybe he smacked it on impact, whatever, he's still kissing you and his tongue laps at your lower lip and you open your mouth hungrily.

Tasting John is fan-fucking-tastic. His tongue is cold on yours. You can really get used to this. You plan on experiencing this many more times from now on. His hand runs down your back and rests on your hip and you grunt in satisfaction. You guess, in the corner of your mind that isn't focusing completely on what his mouth is doing to yours, notes on his other roaming hand that smooths over your shoulders and arms and neck, easing you into the kiss and where did he learn what to do with his hands and his mouth and his everything. You're head spins at that thought on top of how elevated you feel.

You are Dave Strider and you love a silly boy and he loves you.

A sigh of relief.

John finishes school happily taken, not afraid to flaunt his relationship with you with anyone who cares enough to listen. His dad doesn't mind, in fact he wants to meet you and you talk with him on the phone while John smiles happily at you and you learn that if you fuck up in any way and break his son's heart, you're going to be very sorry.

Good thing you don't plan on ever letting him go. Planet's don't just break away from their sun. That's what it would be like, catastrophic and awful.

Having the blessings of John's dad gives you the courage to tell your brother. The last time you talked with him was almost 4 months ago and you figure just coming out cold, 'Hey bro, long time no see. So, I take it up the butt now.' doesn't seem like a good way to start things. John coaches you through ways of starting that conversation in the least surprising way as possible and Jade and Rose help as well. It's good to have different opinions and ways to go about this.

It takes a week for him to answer his phone and 3 different calls to even get to the point.

"Make it quick." A cold answers. Maybe you won't tell him this time.

"Whoa, didn't think you were too busy to talk to your own flesh and blood. This is important, so if you don't have time to talk now, just call me back if you can." Maybe next time.

"Just joshin' with you, lil' bro. I'm literally sitting on the couch with Cal, watching seagulls fight over bread. Are you homeless or..."

"Not yet. Things are still going at the club. I'm not even starving. I got some help, anyway, new roommate."

"That John kid, I reckon."

"Y-yeah... Uh, that's actually what I'm wanting to talk with you about..." You rub the back of your neck to rid it of sweat and your mouth gets dry. There's no response from the other end so you just keep going before your courage runs out. "So, he's moving in with me because he's basically been living here for the last month and it'll be cheaper for both of us. Helps out with my shows, too... plays piano, you know."

"Cool."

You swallow thickly and truck on. "He's... He's pretty special to me, bro."

"Special, huh..."

"Yeah. Like, really special. More than just a roommate, ya know..." Saying it right out is just so hard.

"What are you guys like boy friends?" Welp.

"Y-yeah..."

"He treatin' you right?"

"More than you can imagine."

"You treatin' him right?"

"Like the southern gentleman, I am."

"I sure as Hell hope so."

And the conversations ends around there which is fine with you. The fear of him teasing or disowning you or whatever the fuck he could do to make you feel like shit wains and you sigh in relief when you hang up, flopping down on your couch. When John comes home, he flops down on top of you waking you up from your dreamless nap and you hug him tightly and nuzzle his neck and he laughs and this is how it is and how it will be from now on and that is something you are so okay with.

Chapter Text

"You gonna be okay on your own?"

Dave's reflection on the window materializes and you snap out of your daze and turn to him.

"I'll be fine! It'll just be like any normal visit." You smile as reassuringly as you can to hide the fear you feel so absolutely. It's always been there, creeping around in the back of your mind waiting for a reason to spring into the forefront. Its creeping has become more frantic and noticeable as the days towards your trip tick on. Now that it actually is the day, it's basically busting through your forehead. You want to throw up but there is nothing in your stomach, so you just swallow back the bile and hope you can keep it together.

He puts a hand on your back softly and rubs small circles into your shoulder blade. If he were able to come, things would be a lot easier but money's tight and this is your birthday present and you have to be strong. For your dad.

Dave hands you a bottle of water he bought and you scold him for spending money on an over-priced drink when you're getting complimentary drinks on the plane. He shakes his head at you and tells you to allow him to at least help you out and you sigh and take it, not realizing how thirsty you really are.

Saying good-bye to Dave turns out to be a lot harder than you think. You don't want to let go of your emotional crutch. Suddenly, keeping your cool becomes increasingly harder the closer to the departing time you get.

Crying is definitely an option.

"It'll be fine, John. Just get on that plane and focus on seeing your dad." He pets your head and you bury your face deeper into his shoulder, sniffling. "Watch, you'll see he's doing fine and you can help him out with cleaning his place and baking with your Nana-- don't you make that face at me, John. I swear to God." and you lean up and kiss him because he was in the middle of saying something. He smiles down at you slightly and continues. "You can go grocery shopping, and take him to the park or whatever shit dads and sons do together. Bet he'll even wanna play catch with you."

"Haha, maybe. I don't even know if I'll be up for that one."

"You better be. I'll be really fuckin' disappointed in you. No one's too old for a God damn game of catch."

He kisses you on the cheek and you catch his mouth with your own and say your good-byes before getting on the plane, alone. You try to clear your mind while the plane taxis and hope that things will go smoothly and you can actually enjoy your time with your dad before having to come back. It would be awful being scared the whole time and then leaving without feeling the fulfillment of a good visit. So, you spend the flight building up your positivity and by the time you're on the ground, leaving the airport and heading to your home with Nana, you are able to greet your dad with the warmest, most sincerely happy smile you can muster.

And it isn't even forced.