Chapter Text
"Calm down, dude."
"No, that was really infuriating!"
"It's not a big deal."
"Why can't I just have a friend I spend most of my time with without people judging me for it?"
"Who the fuck cares what people think?"
"And how can you be so calm?! Aren't you offended?"
"Not really..."
John huffs and that stitch in his eyebrows is really starting to bother you. You don't like this expression on his face, so you reach over and smooth your thumb over his brow and he relaxes and bats your hand away.
"They're my friends. They should know I'm a friendly guy who likes to have friends and wants to spend as much time as possible WITH friends."
"Then why are you monopolizing me?"
"Uh... I just like you the most, I think." He shrugs and beams the most unabashed smile you've seen to date and you have to avert your eyes.
"Yeah, well. Maybe they're just jealous. Wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me. Comes with the territory."
"Haha, yeah right. Just start the car, already. It's getting cold in here."
And you do.
________________________________________________________
When you get to Dave's a movie sounds like just about the best idea to end a pretty fun night. You let him pick this time and he chooses something you've never heard of. He comments about how it's from this century, so he's not surprised you hadn't seen it before. You chuck a couch pillow at him and he catches it and chucks it back.
About mid-way into the film, which you are still trying desperately to understand, Dave falls asleep. This would not be a problem, minus the fact that you have a million questions to ask him about said film that you are just not getting, and also minus the fact that his head has slumped down on your shoulder and you're not sure how to react. You stiffen up, automatically but then try to relax because you figure a stiff shoulder is a less comfortable shoulder to rest upon than a relaxed one. But, then again, your shoulders are pretty boney. How is he still asleep, anyway? His face practically collided into your shoulder bone when he passed out.
You crane your neck to peek at him and then snap it right back into place.
He's not asleep.
He's awake and he's aware of what he's doing.
No big deal, right? You guys are best friends. Best friends are allowed to be as close as they want, right? As long as both parties aren't opposed to it. Are you opposed? Is this making you uncomfortable? Is the fact that he's conscious and doing this on purpose comforting or the opposite? Your mind races a mile a minute and you are surprised steam isn't billowing out of your ears.
"You doin' alright, buddy?"
You whip your head to the side and Dave is leaning up, staring at you with a quirked brow. Glasses off, as usual and intense gaze burning through your very soul.
All you can manage to squeak out is a feeble "uh..." and he snorts and rests his head right back onto your shoulder like it's his property and he can do with it however he pleases. You are so not blushing at the thought of any part of you being the property of Dave Strider.
Friends just share, right?
You tell yourself this to calm down and try to focus on the movie. Shit, you have no idea what the hell is even happening right now. You give up.
"Dave."
"Hm?" his eyes are closed, now.
"Uhm, sorry but what is this movie even about?"
"It's almost over and you don't even know what the plot is? Jesus, John. You need to get out more, experience the world..." You can feel his breath on your arm and it gives you goosebumps.
"Uh..." you swallow a lump in your throat. "Yeah, sorry... I just am having a hard time paying attention tonight, I think... Too tired."
"Wanna hit the hay, then?" He sits up.
"Yeah... Yeah I think that's a good idea." and you laugh, embarrassed more so that you can't understand the movie than having your best guy friend laying all over you.
"No prob. Lemme get the blankets out."
You heave a sigh of relief once he leaves the room. You're still trying to still your heart but that is not working out too well for you.
The next day on campus, you do not hear the end of it from any of your friends. You have no idea what spurred this on but whatever it is, you want to beat it up for putting you through constant embarrassment.
"I'm just saying, it's weird." Karkat says, leaning against a tree. "Not in a bad way, don't fucking give me that god damn face, Egbert. Let me fucking finish, asswipe before you go and make me look like a bad guy. I mean, Jesus Christ, does everything that oozes out of my yapper make you turn into this sad puppy? Fuck."
"Karkat, you are so far from the point right now..."
"What I'm just trying to say is, usually when someone wants to get with someone else; they go out of their way to be around them. You're tied to that insufferable shithead like a god damn love struck little girl."
"How do you even know? We just hang out a lot. He's really fun and interesting." You try to defend yourself but it looks like they aren't going to be persuaded just as much as you aren't going to be persuaded.
"But it seems like there's something there! I noticed it the first time I went to the club with you." Jade smiles sweetly at you and your angry-face falters. She's just so damn cute, you sometimes wish she was your little sister. Man, that would've been fun. Any siblings would've been fun.
"Yeah, there's something there, alright... It's called friendship!"
"Have you ever had any un-friend-like thoughts about Strider?" Rose asks. She takes a sip of her coffee.
"What, like 'man, I wanna kick this guy's ass?' No..."
"What about the opposite feeling of passion?"
"Rose, seriously. I have never wanted to kiss Dave. That is just bluh, okay? I bet his lips are dry and unsavory." You make a face and Karkat snorts.
"You are certain that thoughts like that have never crossed your mind? Not even slightly?"
"I'm not just positive... I'm HIV--"
"You are not making that joke again. It got old the first fucking time you said it." Karkat interrupts. "This is serious, Egbert. We are trying to help you realize your homosexual attraction to that prick. The least you could do is humor us."
"Fuck, you don't have to say it like that, Karkat! Just because he might be attracted to one guy doesn't make him a homosexual. There are other types of sexualities and they are all possible in every person. Right, Rose?"
"Mm-hm. It could be very well that our friend here is actually pansexual."
"Whoa, okay guys, look, I appreciate this," you motion at them, "but it's really uncalled for! There is nothing between Dave and I and there never will be!" You try to sound as convincing as possible.
"Can we quote you on that so that later, when you're completely fucking wrong and in Strider's pants, we can bring it back up and tell you how fucking stupid past you was so that you can die a little from embarrassment and then shit a rainbow? OW, FUCK!" Karkat rubs at his hurt arm and glares at Jade.
"John, if the feelings come, let them. We really do feel like you two have a different sort of relationship than what you have with us or what he has with any other human being and we just want to help the two of you discover what that relationship is, romantic or otherwise." Rose puts a gentle hand on your shoulder and smiles at you and you relax a little and smile back. They really do mean well. Friends are great to have, you think off-handedly. You're glad to have a lot of them.
Later that night when you're studying at Dave's house, you ask him what pansexuality is and he sputters out milk all over the table.
________________________________________________________
You're writing a song. It's very cold out but it feels great on your bare face as you drink in the winter's night. Maybe it'd be more magical if it were snowing but this is as cold as you can handle and that's just enough. The moon is big and full in the sky and it makes you think of John. You remember the first night he came up to you in the alleyway and shyly introduced himself. His pale skin glowed in the moonlight and that was the most shocking thing to you.
You think about how he asked if he inspired you and how at the time, nothing had come to mind but out here, where the moon is your only company and the whole city seems to be frozen in time-- where John is sound asleep, wrapped up warmly in your sheets with a book open next to his face, inspiration has hit you like a ton of bricks and you grab your leather pad, bundle up in a leopard print Snuggie which you definitely bought for ironic reasons, and sit out on the small balcony letting it all flow out through your fingers.
He wants you to write something about him, specifically. You had tried to make an entire act for him, but that didn't seem to feel right to you. He didn't seem to notice when you eventually performed it and that entire plan was a total bust in your eyes. But this, this is going to be something special and he will notice and he will swoon.
You're not sure why you want to impress him so badly. He's already so easily impressed. But you really want to knock him out of his socks.
Seeing your breath is a phenomenon that you aren't privileged enough to see every day.
________________________________________________________
Dave has deep circles under his eyes and a cough. You scold him for staying up late and tell him that if he gets a cold again, he shouldn't expect to see your sorry ass at his bed side, taking care of him. He snorts at you and then blows his nose because that was a lot grosser than either of you thought it'd be.
________________________________________________________
TT: Is this a Mr. Dave Strider?
TG: speaking who the hell are you
TT: I'm Rose. You met me last week at the club. I came with John.
TG: right the creepy goth broad
TT: I am not gothic, I just prefer to wear black because I like how it contrasts with my complexion and it shows everyone else that I have a strong relationship with the Devil.
TG: right so what do you need
TT: Nothing, just simply wanted to make friends with John's best bro, as he refers to you as.
TG: fair enough
TG: but what do you really need
TT: I guess the jig is up.
TT: What are your exact feelings for my friend John Egbert? Wondering minds must know.
TG: oh hell no dave strider does not kiss and tell
TT: So you've kissed then?
TG: no fuck off
TT: My, my. Aren't we defensive? That's pretty interesting considering what you are saying.
TG: no its not shut up you have no idea what youre talking about
TT: I'm pretty sure my Bachelor's degree in Psychology would say otherwise, but I'm not here to brag.
TG: right
TT: Honestly, I want to size up my good friend's possible love interest because I don't want his fragile heart getting broken.
TG: it wont because there aint nothing between us sister now fuck off so i can finish what i was doing before you decided to blow up my phone
TG: howd you find me anyway
TT: I have my ways, obviously. You can guess, I'm sure. You're not half as dumb as you look.
TG: im flattered
TG: but seriously if itll make you feel better there really isnt anything between my boy egbert and i
TG: i am being as real with you as humanly possible right now
TG: no sarcasm or snarky comeback from this bad boy
TG: no sir
TT: I believed you until those last two comments but I will take your word for it, anyway. You may go back to whatever it is you were doing.
TG: thank you
TT: But I am keeping an eye on the both of you. I literally have nothing better to do with my life.
TG: are you insane
TT: I'm a psych major.
You don't bother replying because that would mean continuing the conversation which is the last thing you want to do. Her words don't leave your mind as you go back to what you were doing before she interrupted you, which was composing the song that is completely to and for the boy in question.
Something clicks and suddenly you are terrified to face everyone.
________________________________________________________
That was the worst phone call you have ever received.
________________________________________________________
John shows up at your place with the most dejected face you have ever seen anyone wear and you usher him in quickly and ask what the deal is.
He sits down at your small table and runs a shaking hand through his hair.
"You need a water or something."
He shakes his head no but he hasn't looked up. You lean against the counter and wait for him to say whatever it is that's bothering him so much and the tension your body feels is downright uncomfortable. If it's someone bothering him, you would gladly beat the shit out of them if it meant making John calm the fuck down. You ball one hand into a fist and tuck it deeper into your crossed arms.
"I... uh..." He swallows but it sounds dry. "I got a call from back home. Uh... My dad's not doing too well."
You take a seat opposite of him at the table.
"What's the matter with him?"
"We don't know, yet. They're still taking tests but they think it's liver cancer. Apparently, it's come out of nowhere? I don't know how he didn't know about it before. Ugh..." He rakes his hands through his hair and rests his forehead on the table. "Or, if he did know about it, why didn't he tell me when I was up there? I feel like that would've been on the top of the list of things to tell your own son when he comes to visit you."
You don't know what to say, so you don't say anything.
"I mean, he's still waiting on the results but, fuck!"
"Then there's no reason to get upset now. Wait until you know what's wrong with him for sure, yeah?"
"Yeah... I guess this was just so out of left field, huh?" He snorts a laugh without smiling and it almost hurts you to watch.
"Yeah."
There's an awkward silence between you for a few moments before you suggest calming down with a feel-good movie and John thanks you for it. You settle on the couch and pop the movie in.
When you sit back down, John shoves a pillow in your lap and flops his head right down in it.
"Ya mind, Egbert? I'm not your fucking cuddle thing."
"You will be right now because I need it, okay? Besides, if you can get away with laying your head on my shoulder, then I can get away with laying my head in your lap. It's only fair, dipshit."
His tone shuts you up, as does his logic and you awkwardly place your arms on the back of the couch and the arm rest. Eventually, one moves to his shoulder and he nuzzles into the pillow. You assume that means that that gesture has made him feel more comfortable and that he's calming down about his whole dad thing. That is the aim, here.
________________________________________________________
When Dave runs his fingers through your hair, your stomach flips and flops and you bury your face deeper into the pillow to hide your blush.
Why do things like this always happen on the couch during a movie? It is really ruining the whole friendship façade.
At least no one's there to witness these things happening. That thought relaxes you enough to at least enjoy the moment and you forget, if only briefly about your current family troubles.
The days following, you call your dad as frequently as possible just to check up on him and to find out if he's heard back from the hospital. No dice. He tells you it's going to take a month and that is just unacceptable. You'd think in this day and age they would have faster tests for really important things like finding out if you have a terminal cancer or not.
You recheck your funds and it's not enough to visit again. Your dad also doesn't want you missing any school because your education is apparently more important than seeing your own dad. You try to not get mad at him-- at anyone, but that is becoming increasingly difficult given how frustrated you are in general. Everyone notices, either way. No sense hiding your rage when it's hard to contain and no one blames you.
The only times you feel completely calm is when you're in front of a piano. And if Dave is there, then that's just an added bonus. Thankfully, he's come around more often, meaning every single night and you are truly grateful.
He tries to be as optimistic as possible and you can tell that it's hard for him. But, you try as much as possible to at least seem normal when you're around him. It's the least you could do since he's been trying to hard to make you feel better. Doesn't feel right, though. You want to be more optimistic but for some reason, with this specific situation, it increases in difficult every day.
When the news comes, it's already getting warm out again and you think about how your dad is probably bundled up in a quilt as he speaks with you on the phone and you try your hardest to take everything he says with as much strength and dignity as possible.
"So, what did the doctor's say?" You swallow a lump and grip the rim of your hoodie trying to still your trembling hands.
"Well, it's not liver cancer. Said it was something else and that they have to take more tests or something. You should see my arm, John. Bruise to high heaven." He chuckles and you try to laugh, too but it sounds more like a cough.
"When will you get those tests back?"
"Another month or so, these things take time, John."
"Yeah, I... I know..."
"It's going to be alright. Even though there's something wrong with this old body, at least I'm aware of it now so that I can work towards building up its health again."
You smile into the receiver. There really isn't anything you can do but send him your support and love and hope to God that this is just something that passes in a month or so and everything goes back to normal soon enough.
You tell him you love him and to call you if anything comes up or if he starts to feel sick or even if he's lonely.
The phone beeps and goes silent and you are left alone.
________________________________________________________
It was a really nice day out. You find yourself sitting on a park bench in the middle of the city watching two kids play with a ball and zone the fuck out. John had insisted that he was fine and he just needed some alone time to relax and sleep (you had noticed the deep circles and made a note of it.) So, you went for a walk because relaxation was always a good idea.
Idly, you watch these two kids kick a ball back and forth and it's like a mantra of "thump, thump thump, laughter." Breathing in deeply, you drink up the sun and the fresh air and the chirping birds and the rustling of leaves. Breathing out, you think of your song. Your leather pad is burning a hole through your hoodie pocket and you are itching to continue planning and writing and taking notes but there is nothing left for you to write that you haven't already. You're stuck.
You need something to counteract the moon. Something intense and relatable to yourself and nothing seems cool enough. You see a dog and its owner walk pass and nothing comes to mind. A squirrel bounces through the grass and still, nothing. Writing songs is hard. It's hard and no one understands.
Sighing angrily, you lay your head back and peer into the bright sky. That's when you see it, a dark figure hovering overhead and landing on a power line. There are a few of them-- beautiful black crows. You take out your pad.
________________________________________________________
If you were in Washington right now, a t-shirt and jeans would not be the proper attired. But it's a whopping 79 degrees out and it's only February. If you were in Washington right now, there would be a foot or so of snow on the ground and your dad would tell you to shovel the driveway and then he'd make you hot chocolate as a thank you. If you were in Washington right now, a snowball fight would be just the thing to cure a boring afternoon of its lackluster. If you were in Washington right now, you would be able to judge for yourself how healthy your dad was instead of waiting on some nutcase doctors to diagnose him with something that is completely out of proportion because you know your dad better than anyone else and he does not get sick.
But, you're in Houston and you're sweating and you can now see why Dave wears sunglasses all the time. Maybe you should look into a prescription set when you get the money... also after you use said money to buy a plane ticket home. Saving up from the few shows you played with Dave is only helping a little and you're getting impatient.
TG: guess what sugar butt im doing another show tonight and im thinking you can come with and play a couple of the songs weve done before but i got some new ones too
TG: also bring harley
TG: shell like what ive got cookin up for her
TG: are you even listening to me or are you asleep
TG: if youre napping thats good i guess
TG: as long as youre not crying because jesus christ you are a man
TG: but i mean
TG: whatever floats your boat im not one to go around sinking them like im some kinda manly police officer
TG: out to ticket those who are not manly enough
TG: there are no manly laws john
TG: cry as much as you want
TG: but i will call you a wuss
TG: and a pussy
TG: and a little girl
TG: and a wimp
TG: and a virgin
TG: and
TG: uuh i dunno else
TG: will you please answer me i want to give your friend a heads up about tonight it is imperative that she come
TG: i dont have her number
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
TG: come on man
EB: holy fuck, dave!
EB: i am right here! sorry i was in the bathroom.
TG: tmi
TG: so anyway tl:dr invite harley and also youre allowed to perform with me tonight again if you ant
TG: know how you wanna get some extra mula etc etc
TG: just trying to throw my main man a bone
EB: thanks dave! i think i should be able to... i've been sleeping more and i'm all rested up!
TG: good to hear
TG: so come over right now
TG: also text harley
TG: or give me her number
EB: well, i can do both!
And you do. You also thank Dave profusely for letting him perform and it is a wonderful feeling to know that he is looking out for you, and what a great friend. You hurry over to his apartment as soon as possible because you suddenly feel all warm and gooey inside and you just want to see his face.
________________________________________________________
John jumps you when you open the door and only your years of physical training with your brother help you stop the force and keep you standing up.
"Whoa there, cowboy. That's quite the grip, you got there." You try to push him off but he's nuzzling into the crook of your head and you feel heat rise up your face.
"I will not let go until I am completely sure you feel my appreciation." He giggles and you want to die of embarrassment for him.
"Okay, I get it. You're glad I'm letting you save up for your dad's or whatever, but seriously, the neighbors are starting to notice." John loosens up and looks over his shoulder.
"There are no neighbors."
"I would feel more comfortable if you were to hug me inside the comfort of my own crib, John." And he pushes you through your door, laughing the entire way.
________________________________________________________
Dave smells like apples and you drink in his scent as quickly as possible because you do not know when you'll get the chance to be this close again. A vague thought of, you wish you could be like this forever, crosses your mind but it's quickly forgotten when Dave pulls away and tells you to practice a little before it's time to go. You nod vigorously and bound over to the small studio room.
________________________________________________________
TG: hey is this jade harley
GG: !!! why yes it is! :0 who may i ask is this?
TG: dave from the club
TG: you know
TG: johns friend
GG: oooh! heehee! right, frieeeend xD xD xD
TG: yeah yeah yuck it up
TG: are you free tonight?
GG: pretty sure, why? :0
TG: you should come to the club i have a little something cooked up that might be in the name of your late grandpappy
GG: OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! that is so nice of you!!!!!
TG: yeah dont mention it
GG: i will definitely be there!
GG: and i'll bring some friends ;D!!!
TG: thats fine the more the merrier or whatever
The song line up you have planned for the evening starts off with some dope beats covered over with John's magical piano playing. The middle will be strictly rapping followed by an acoustic version of My Way.
You tell John this and he says it's going to be a good night and he looks so excited about the money, you hardly have the heart to tell him that doesn't mean they're going to get more than usual. And you ruffle his hair just to hear him laugh because you need something to cheer you up now, too.
John's more comfortable now that he's performed a few times. He knows the ropes and he's not half as scared as he used to be and it's a good feeling. You wouldn't mind performing with him every time and you toy with the idea of maybe making it a permanent two-man act. It would be weird never having the stage to yourself again and she might hate you for it but change is good. John's good. Yeah.
His friends show up and Harley greets you with a hug that you don't know how to react to, so you don't. John slugs you in the arm for being rude and you shrug and Jade laughs so everything's fucking hunky-dory.
When you sing the Sinatra song specifically requested by Jade, you watch her face from the back and it's wide and open and full of emotion and you hope that's a good thing. The last thing you want to do is make a bad impression on any of John's friends. You want them to like you a lot and you're not sure why.
After the show, they meet you at the bar and Jade throws herself on you, thanking you immensely for what you did. She sounds like she's about to cry and you rub her back a little to make sure she doesn't. When she pulls away, it's all smiles and watery eyes but if she were to cry, at least it'd be from happiness and that's satisfactory, you suppose.
Drinks all around and Jade tells stories about her grandpa and his adventures. Shit, you didn't know he was a god damn explorer. That's pretty dope in your book.
"So, he was able to kill the tiger. He still had the scar on his chest! He showed me once and it was really scary! Haha!"
"So, what? He killed an endangered animal and then that's the fucking end of it?"
"No, jeeeeez... He took it to a taxidermist and had it turned into a rug, which is still in his house, right in front of the fire place." She takes a victory swig of her beer.
"Wow, Jade, I had no idea your grandpa was such a badass! Oh... uh, God rest his soul." John looks up. You ignore how dorky he is and take a sip of your drink.
"Yeah, you should see his house! It's full of really strange things that he found on his journeys. He said he didn't like staying in one place for too long, but he also liked the stability of a home." Jade shrugs, "Either way, he left it and all of the cool things inside it with me and for that, a toast!" She holds up her bottle and everyone follows. "To grandpa! May your journey never end, even in the afterlife!"
It's no surprise that John comes home with you afterwards. It had become tradition. Perform together, go home together. After Jade gives you one last bear hug and thanks you again, you get in your car and John follows.
"Wow, Dave... seriously, that was so nice what you did! I totally forgot she had requested a song! Some friend I am, huh..."
You shrug. "T'Ain't nothin'."
"Haha!" He liked your little joke. "Seriously, though... with helping me out in my time of need, and then going out of your norm and performing for my friend... just, thank you." He puts a hand on your forearm and you give him a sideways glance.
"It's really not that big of a deal."
"Maybe not to you but I'm sure it really made Jade so happy and if her grandpa were here to see it, he'd feel the same way! Not to mention how you've been trying your hardest to make me feel better and to keep me optimistic about my dad and his situation..."
You turn to him at a stop light. "I'm just doing what any normal person with feelings would do. I'm not a fucking robot."
"I know... but, I just feel like I owe you..." John shrugs and looks away.
"You could kiss me."