Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

you love her don't you

it's obvious i know

everyone can tell, really

everyone can tell how your eyes go wide

your knees go weak

and your heart

i can practically hear it hear it thumping for her

god, and i had thought you were a fairy back then

you'd always been into art and never seemed to dance with dames and-

oh

i thought for a time you were into men...

into me, really

fuck how i'd deceived myself.

i'm sorry

i guess

we see what we want to see

yours, Buck

Chapter Text

you know i love you

there

it's in my bones

in my heart

in the very fibre of my being

you know who you are

i may have erased your name

you know who you are

i love you

i put it out there because i may never get to say it out loud

fuck I love you

you weren't attractive

i see that

i know it

but now you've made so many fall for you

i am only one amongst many

but i don't care

because if they've ever loved you

their love will hollow in shame

for i love you more

more fiercely

more strongly

more bravely

and you know what hurts the most?

is that you know i love you

and yet

you play it out like you don't

even though you play me

like a sick little wooden puppet

keep playing

i am your marionette

i am yours

yours, Buck

remember that?

of course you do

because i put it there

it may seem like the end of a letter

but it's a statement

a certificate of ownership

you own me

my heart

like how samson owns delilah's

but delilah owns samson's the same

and i do not own yours

i don't need to

loving you is enough

loving you is not only enough

loving you is only

yours, Bucky

Chapter Text

im sorry

im sorry because i cant tell you all these things i want to tell you

because i do

i do want to tell you

i want to tell you that the sun,

the sun shines for you, baby

i'm sorry i called you that

but at least here i can call you that. i can call you all these beautiful things, sweetheart, honey, baby, love, heart, you're all of them

i want to tell you that the sound of your breath
yes your breath

is the lifeblood of my world
my universe

you stop breathing

my world goes out

and then your heart
that wonderful, beautiful
little heart of yours

each beat it gives for her
the fall in between
i can say its mine

i own the little nothingness in between
the infinitesimal silence of your heart
that only beats again
and again
for someone else

i want to tell you
youre the single most extravagant thing in the world
you are ostentatious
you are too much and everything and more than enough at the same time

you are everything, darling

im sorry

i want to tell you that i love you

i love you better than biblical

i love you better than legendary

i love you better than love

but if i did

if i did, sweetheart

im sorry

if i did, youd be disgusted

you couldnt stand me

you couldnt dare look me in the eye

because youd hate me

because youd hate evry single part of me

because i love you

it is forbidden

but thats not what matters, baby

im not even sorry

because what matters is,

i loved you first

you hate me

they hate me

they all hate me

they get me wrong

but one thing

i want you to see

i loved you

i loved you first

yours,
Bucky

Chapter Text

in 1 letter i told you you were unattractive

im sorry

i never meant that. never

your face? your face is speckled with a thousand litanies and promises and i wish i could count them

i wish i had all the time in the world to count them

but you wouldn't let me, right?

you wouldnt

its okay

its all okay

and your eyes

your rich, bold, blue, beautiful eyes

i want to tell you that i could stare into them forever

drown myself

lose myself in the depth of your eyes

and its all id spend my days on

id be happy

well sit next to each other, my arm draped laconically over your shoulders, your eyes staring at something else, someone else, never at me. but i'd be happy nonetheless. i'll stare into your eyes that never faced mine own.

i'll stare into them and i'll get lost

fuck you, though

for being so fucking beautiful its unfair

and your hair

your hair that never once let itself be tamed

just like you,

your hair that smells of milk, and sweat, and all these beautiful things

it makes me want to curl up against your back and drink in your scent

oh and your hands

your hands that produce wonder after wonder
embedded into those sketchbooks of yours
oh god your hands

what your hands do to me

they do nothing, of course

nothing at all

but oh, how i want them to

and

god your collarbones

i want to have you pressed flush against me

and ill feel them against my skin because they are the most beautiful things ever

no

they arent

you are. you, you marvel, you. you summation of all things awesome and beautiful and inspiring and

your a work of art, baby

no frame can capture you
no glass can contain you
your the work of art not even the night sky can compare

and they say art belongs to everyone
but you? your no ones

remember that

yours,
Bucky

Chapter Text

if you ever wondered when

when i started lovin you

well, loved you like this

I mean i think i always have

but, really, really saw

hmm

i dont even have to think about it

i remember this feeling

this deep, sinking feeling

pulling me to the ground

crushing me

and i couldn't stand it

it ruined me, you

it was jealousy

by the way

your everyone else's now but not mine

never truly mine

I mean, maybe I did have you

for awhile

when it was just the two of us
but

it just hurt bad, okay

i must be disgusting.

revolting

gross.

it s okay. im not surprised either

im not even disagreeing with everything youll want to say

youre always right

right

okay

i don't know how much i can say more

so,

yours forever,
Bucky

Chapter Text

hi again

i don't know if you have to reply

maybe you can just say it to my face

spit in it even

i don't care

but, did you play me? i mean, no, not in that way, never in that way

i know you. you'd never get caught dead with me.

i mean, did you take advantage of my feelings? did you know?

im sorry

love blinded me so this is an honest question

DID YOU KNOW? did you know i love you

did you know how my heart beats only for you

did you know?

and if you did, did you take advantage of them? of my feelings?

I mean no...

you were always too kind
what's wrong me

god what is wrong with me

you never did anything wrong steve
but always know

whichever side youre on
even if its against me
im there

im sorry for saying what i said
but if you ever did, in a way
know

it's okay. i promise. i'll forgive you.

i always did, didn't i? i just couldnt resist you.

im sorry if it ever seemed like I didn't

because i do, now.

i love you okay?

i'm sorry for everything
you know what i mean

hurt me

don't hurt me

it's all okay i promise

love,
Bucky

Chapter Text

i was mad at you
well
i'm sorry

i'm sorry for being mad at you
i'm sorry for being a dramatic fuck
i'm sorry for ever pretending i didn't love you

but
i'm not sorry i loved you

i heard you requested leave
no
I know you requested leave

you told me about that the night you submitted
hugged me
for what felt like the last time

what hurt the most
was when you said
you and peggy'll keep in touch
with me

im the sickest fuck ever
you know why?

because i switched your request letter
because i was glad you got denied
well
not denied exactly

pending

i know what that means

pending, just how my life is
whenever you speak to me

i'm pending—adjective, undecided, not yet happening, unsettled;

suspended

i'm suspended–on your every word i am hanging like the tongue of a wanton dog

pending.

i'm glad you didn't get denied. fuck it i want to say something. say what? say at least you weren't rejected, like me.

i'm sorry. it's a bad joke, even worse is it's true.

and i'm sorry i did what i did wrong

you told me you were crushed

the night the general gave word

and i said i guess your stuck with me buddy
you really are stuck with me
'til the end of the line

i'm sorry.

so sorry.

forgive me.

for everything, please
forgive me
for ever loving you
even though,
i'm not sorry for that one,
forgive me

please don't push me away please don't

like a fruitfly to heat i cling to your warmth to live, even if my life is short and futile.

yours.
Bucky

P.S.

sometimes life just seems so...

bleak steve
I mean

you brought back all the color
and life
and happiness

when you broke through those doors
and saved me

and that night
that night you came to talk me to sleep

you told me about peggy
i dont think ive slept since, steve

i dont think ill be sleeping ever again soon
its so cold
so cold
steve

its the same
bone chilling
compelling
winter

but this time, for the first time
I don't have you to snuggle next to

for the first time

you don't need me

all I know is i love you

i love you I love you I love you I love you

it's against the law
it's against god
it's against you

im sorry

PPS

I told peggy

i apogized a hundred times

know what she told me?

she said

she said she felt like she was taking somethin
from me

she said she felt guilty

i dont want to sound heroic
i dont want to sound strong steve

but i want you to know

i want you to know I told her
you woulda chosen her
chosen her over me
in every instance
in every universe

you would right

and i told her

I told her

'honey, i'm happy as long as he's happy.

and he's got you

so rest assured i'll be good for a long while you're around'

PPPs

steve

steve

honey baby love heart

steve

your name is the most amazing thing ever

steve
steve
steve
steve