Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe if he'd been a better Sentinel, Buck could've saved more people; known ahead of time and got everyone off the pier. Maybe he would've realized the heavy, swooping wrongness that suddenly hit him like a baseball bat to the stomach wasn't just useless envy of that other firehouse or too much junk food. Hell, he was sitting right over the ocean, feeling like his guts were still careening around on the Shark Frenzy ride, and it'd taken Christopher literally turning his head towards the water before Buck caught a clue what was really wrong.

Then again, if Buck was a better Sentinel, he would've had a Guide. And if he'd had a Guide, he would've known there was a bomb in the ladder truck. Instead, he'd assumed his senses were just glitching out on him again.

They did that a lot: just kind of…flickered, every so often. Like, he'd get a sudden whiff of scent out of nowhere, or hear a noise nobody else did he couldn't place. Or he'd touch something and his skin would suddenly be so sensitive it'd hurt.

It hadn't even bothered him at first, because they'd happened before, though it'd been years since they'd become a nuisance like this. But then they got worse instead of going away, and when he'd looked it up he found out they were called "Pre-Spikes," and it was definitely a Guideless Sentinel thing. That was a little scary, but his weren't nearly as bad as the Medline article said. They weren't incapacitating, or anything. The little flickers only ever lasted a few seconds, didn't hurt that much, and went away on their own. They were like background noise. Definitely nothing worth bugging Chim for, and especially not Eddie.

Problem was, he'd got so used to ignoring weird, out-of-place sensory info, it never occurred to him that this once it might actually mean something. Not until the truck blew up and he'd been trapped underneath it.

Hell, the whole reason Buck and Christopher were even at Pacific Park was Buck's crushed leg, courtesy of him being a lousy Sentinel. Because since he didn't have a Guide, he didn't heal fast. And since he didn't heal fast, he needed metal pins in his leg. And the metal pins in his leg threw blood clots unless he took blood thinners. And since he was on blood thinners, Bobby wouldn't let him back to work, in case Buck cut himself and bled out.

Hen and even Chim had advocated for Buck to stay with the 118, because they both knew making Buck leave would tear him apart. But Eddie had agreed with Bobby. And since Eddie was Buck's Guide, he was the one Bobby listened to.

Eddie had told Buck he didn't want him in danger while he was still healing. He'd talked about the Sentinel-Guide pairs he'd worked with in Afghanistan, who'd been pushed back into the field too soon and been hurt or killed because of it. And Eddie had explained over and over again how Buck really wasn't being exiled from his pack; he just needed some downtime.

Buck knew all that. It didn't change anything. He still staggered out of the firehouse feeling like he was leaving his shredded heart behind. Weeks later he still felt pinned down by a despair heavier than the truck that had done this to him.

Well, no. Not the truck. He was a bad Sentinel. He'd done it to himself.

And then that morning Eddie had come in, dropped off Christopher, "suggested" Buck could take him to the movies, and left. Because he was an asshole who knew Buck would do anything for that kid, including shoving down the sorrow that made it hard to even breathe.

And since he'd do anything for Christopher, Buck had taken him to Pacific Park. Because Christopher wanted to go to the pier more than seeing a film.

So now they were both going to die, because Buck was such a bad Sentinel he couldn't even notice a fucking tsunami until it was just about literally on top of them.

He heard the siren, and he knew he needed to grab Christopher and run. But he'd been watching the wave rush towards them like a foaming wall, roaring so loudly it was like he could hear it in his bones. And the salt bit his eyes and skin and stung like glass in his lungs, and suddenly it was as if he'd become the water. Or, the water was inside of him. Everywhere. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He was nothing but salt and noise and bright, deadly churning—

"Sentinel! Sentinel! Baseline! Drop to baseline!" someone yelled. A woman. A Guide. Her voice, her presence, sliced through the water in his head, helped him push his senses back. Let him pull himself to the surface when he hadn't even known he was drowning.

Buck gasped in a breath that wasn't water but air, and he was a person again, standing stupidly on the pier about to die.

He threw Christopher over his shoulder and ran.

Baseline. Baseline. Baseline. The Guide's command beat in his head like the shock and slap of the waves as they rolled and shoved him like a toy. Drop to baseline! Because if Buck didn't, he and Christopher would drown.

Buck couldn't zone here. He couldn't allow himself to be overwhelmed any more than he already was: tossed and churned in the water with no idea where the sky was and his lungs acid with the need for air.

Baseline. Drop to baseline. He chanted it like a mantra as he fought in the direction he hoped was up; pulled his senses in tight; stayed separate from the water. Until he finally breached the surface and could breathe, then managed to snag a line of lights overhead.

"CHRISTOPHER!" he screamed, winced at how loud his voice sounded, then yanked his senses back in. Baseline, baseline. He screamed Christopher's name again, tried to raise his hearing, find the boy by his heartbeat if he (God, oh God) wasn't able to talk. But when he tried the noise of the water hit him like an explosion. He almost let go of the cord to slap his hands over his ears. And then in his panic he pulled his hearing in too far, and for a terrifying moment he couldn't remember how to reverse it.

Ease it up, Buck. You just need it at baseline. Not too high or low, just right. Like Goldilocks. You're good. It's good. Buck clung to the memory of Eddie's voice like he clung to the light cord, opening his hearing by increments until the world came back. And then he heard Christopher screaming for him.

Buck had no memory of how he managed to grab Christopher when the boy lost his grip on the light pole, or how he got them both onto the roof of the semi-submerged ladder truck. He was only really aware of the need to protect the child.

And then when they were safe, all he could do was lie prone on the cab roof and breathe, gritting his teeth as his senses flickered like fireflies. The truck roof was too hot, then the water was too loud, then the sun was too bright, then the smell of the debris was nauseating. Baseline, baseline, baseline, he chanted, and this time it was the Guide woman's voice again, not Eddie's.

He wished she were with him now. He really wished Eddie was with him, filling the empty, cold places in his head. But that wouldn't happen even if Eddie was right next to him. Eddie had made it very clear how much he didn't want a bond, and Buck would never force himself on anyone.

But it was alright. He didn't need a Guide. He lay there and breathed until the water, the air, the light and the truck under him gradually settled into place and he could finally open his eyes.

"Buck?" Christopher asked, still panting a little, "you okay?"

"Yeah, buddy." Buck hid his wince, then lowered his hearing a little more before he climbed to his hands and knees. "I'm great."

Clara Williams would be damned if she drowned in a tsunami barely a day after arriving in Los Angeles. If only to keep her son from crowing, "I told you so!" to her waterlogged corpse.

Danny had been shocked and appalled his mother had wanted to spend two whole days in a "bourgeois-infested, burning hellhole about to sink into the ocean." Her son had strong opinions, one of the many things she loved about him. But Clara had been back and forth from New Jersey to Hawaii twice a year for ages, and she'd never seen any part of California besides the airport. She wasn't much for amusement park rides these days, but the Pacific Park pier, with all the lights, colors, and lovely view, seemed like a perfect way to spend an afternoon.

She was regretting that decision now. The airport was much farther inland.

But she'd managed to clutch a broken piece of the game stall she'd seen the Sentinel run to with the boy, and she might have lost her purse and her favorite earrings, but she was still alive and planned on staying that way. And if she could just catch the firehose someone had strung up like a people-net between the fire truck and a pile of cars, it'd make her plan that much easier.

She'd become one of a throng of swimmers, bobbing haplessly along like bedraggled rubber ducks. She was a little concerned there'd be a pileup against the hose when they all hit it, and maybe it'd come loose or someone would lose their grip and drown. Except there was a young man in red and white like a beacon, snatching whoever came close and aiming them towards the truck like beads on a string.

It was the Sentinel from the pier. She remembered that hoodie, and especially his shields: rough and porous as an old sack. She'd been stalking towards him right before the tsunami hit, so concerned for him and furious at his Guide, she'd completely ignored what the forming crowd was looking at until she heard the blare of the alarm.

She'd shouted for him to lower his senses, because with shields that fragile he'd never be able to protect himself from the multi-sensory onrush otherwise. But the water had come down before she knew if he'd even heard her. And then she could only worry about herself.

But he was here, and he'd saved all of them. And even though Clara was close enough now to feel his exhaustion and fear, he was still grabbing everyone he could and helping them get to the fire truck and climb out. And he'd managed it with shields so poor they were almost useless.

This Sentinel, whoever he was, was magnificent. Clara just wanted to know where the hell his Guide was, so she could kick their ass. But first she had to get out of the water.

He turned towards her, and the delighted wonder that lit up his cut and battered face was humbling. She'd barely done anything to help him, and now she was just another person in need of rescue, adding to his exhaustion and stress. But even in the chaos, she didn't miss the fear that flashed through his eyes before he extended his hand.

She didn't understand it though, until she clasped his forearm and then she absolutely did. And, oh. Oh, dear. Oh fucking hell.

He didn't have a useless, negligent Guide. He didn't have a Guide at all. But he could, and it could be her. It could be her so, so easily. It would be just like sliding a key into a lock. Like taking a step. Like breathing. All she had to do was let it happen, and they'd be bonded.

Clara was sixty-five years old. She'd been an active Guide since she was sixteen. She had never, ever been compatible with a Sentinel. Some Guides weren't. She'd shed her tears decades ago, become a Guide counselor and helped distressed Sentinels for nearly forty years. She'd loved her job, been at peace with never bonding for a long, long time. And now this Sentinel could be hers.

She was so shocked she almost let it happen: bonded with a complete stranger in the middle of a tsunami. But then she remembered they were in California, and he was probably less than half her age, and she retreated from him so fast she made herself dizzy.

She nearly lost her grip, but his was unshakable. "I got you. I got you," he said, loud enough for her to hear over the water.

She nodded numbly, too rocked to speak, barely helping as he dragged her over to the truck. But she still caught his sorrow, as there-and-gone as his fear had been. And the bitter resignation that replaced it.

She only partially understood the sorrow—why would he want a Guide nearly old enough to be his grandmother?—and had no idea where the resignation came from. But this wasn't the place or time to ask. Clara promised herself she'd find out later, along with who this Sentinel even was, and why on Earth he didn't have a Guide. And she'd fix his shields and make them as strong as she could for him, since he had nobody else. And find him a Guide too, if she could. Someone his age who'd deserve him.

Right now though, it was all she could do to climb onto the roof of the truck when she was shaking this badly from the barely-averted bonding. The Sentinel gave her a boost, made sure she was safe, then immediately looked around for the next person.

He was amazing. He reminded her of Steve McGarrett and Bucky Barnes. The kind of Sentinels who reinforced the legends. And if she were even twenty years younger she would have been honored to be his Guide, even without knowing so much as his name.

But she wasn't twenty years younger. She couldn't be his Guide; not if there was another choice. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

She just hoped to God there was another choice. Because he needed one very, very badly.

Eddie hauled himself up to the next spoke of the swamped Ferris wheel, wrapping his arms and legs around it like a monkey. At least it'd make a great story to tell Christopher. His son had cerebral palsy, so even walking was difficult for him. He'd love hearing about his dad's "adventure", especially since he'd never be able to do anything like it himself.

Eddie would be entirely focused on his job the moment he reached the trapped people waiting for his help. Right now, though, he had nothing to do but climb. It wasn't quite difficult enough to keep his mind from wandering, one of the reasons Eddie hated this repetitive, monotonous crap. He tended not to like the stuff he ended up thinking about.

Case in point: He was wishing Buck was with him so badly it was stupid. Especially since he was so damn happy Buck was nowhere near this mess at the same time.

And he was also feeling like an asshole. But he wasn't sure if it was for wanting Buck with him when it might mean he bled to death…Or for having been the guy who got him put on indefinite leave to make sure he wouldn't.

Worse, he also felt like an asshole for even worrying about it. He hadn't fucked up with Sentinel Buckley; he'd done exactly what he was supposed to do. A Guide protected their Sentinel no matter what, even from themselves. And Buck's health and safety were a lot more important than his emotional wellbeing. You couldn't get therapy if you were dead.

Eddie had seen what happened when a Guide didn't try hard enough to keep their Sentinel safe. He'd lived it. Twice, even if what happened to Kemper wasn't technically his fault. But with Greggs…

No question Greggs would be alive now, if Eddie had followed his instincts. But Greggs had said he was all right, and he'd wanted to go on the mission. So they went.

Eddie still felt it sometimes, nearly four years later: a cold, empty ache where his bond with Ryan had been. It was a constant, brutal reminder of how badly he'd let his Sentinel down. He'd never, ever do that again. He didn't give a damn if it cost him Chim's hatred or Hen's pity, or even the loss of Bobby's trust. Because it was inevitable their captain would eventually realize his S-G pair had never made a surface bond, despite saying they had. Hell, Eddie would probably be transferred, if he wasn't fired outright. After all, the only reason he'd been assigned to the 118 was because they had a Sentinel in need of a Guide. There was no point in him staying if the Sentinel didn't want him. And Buck didn't.

Eddie just wished he knew why. He'd agreed to bond with Buck. Fully bond. He'd wanted to. He'd wanted it, wanted Buck, from the moment he'd met him. He'd wanted Buck so badly it'd scared him. It'd been all he could do to give Buck his space, just be his friend, when he'd been pulled to him like a tide.

When Buck had agreed to bond with him, it'd been one of the best days of Eddie's life. Even if he was scared as hell. He was terrified he'd let Buck down the way he had his other Sentinels. And Eddie couldn't lose a Sentinel again. He couldn't lose Evan Buckley.

Losing Anne had gutted him for years. Losing Ryan had destroyed him. Losing Buck…

Losing Buck would obliterate him. Eddie couldn't even think about it.

But he was a soldier; he was used to fear. And he'd wanted the bond so, so much more than it'd scared him.

Only for Buck to break their kiss and push Eddie and his bond away. And then he'd told Eddie he'd changed his mind, he didn't want to bond anymore. Not even a lousy surface one. He'd begged Eddie to tell Bobby they had a surface bond, promised he and Eddie would still be friends. And then he'd all but ran out of Eddie's house while Eddie was still reeling.

And that was it. They'd let Bobby assume they had a surface bond, and Buck had never mentioned bonding to Eddie again. Eddie hadn't brought it up either, because part of him was sure Buck had somehow realized he was a bad Guide. But Eddie couldn't bear to ask, so he didn't.

And he also hadn't told Bobby the truth, despite how badly he knew he should. It wasn't only because he'd promised Buck he wouldn't; it was because this way, he could still be Buck's friend. And that was enough. It had to be enough, because it was all Eddie would get.

And if lying to Bobby meant Eddie could still have Buck in his life? He'd do it. He'd do anything. And maybe, if he was patient enough, he'd be able to change his mind.

And then Buck got trapped under a tipped ladder truck and Eddie nearly lost him anyway. And he decided he'd be okay with breaking Buck's heart, as long as that meant it kept beating.

Buck had to be safe, that was all. Eddie had failed Anne Kemper and Ryan Greggs. He wouldn't fail another Sentinel again.

But he still felt like an asshole about it, and he still missed Buck so fiercely it hurt.

Chapter Text

"Sentinel Buckley, my name's Clara Williams, and I'm the Guide you just pulled out of the water. Your shields aren't doing so well, and I'd like to help. Sentinel Buckley? Can you hear me?"

He nodded—he thought he nodded—but he wasn't sure because he couldn't really feel his body. He'd been with Christopher, sitting against the cab roof of the ladder truck, talking about...a game? Yes. They were playing a game. "I Spy." It'd been Christopher's turn to guess. Buck had been looking at the debris, trying to find something interesting. And then...

And then light. Just light, in his eyes and his head and everywhere his body used to be. Christopher had been calling his name. And shaking him? Buck couldn't see anything except the light, and he couldn't feel his body so he wasn't sure. And the light had burned all the words out of his brain so he couldn't tell Christopher he was all right either.

He still couldn't. Clara was talking to him and he could hear the worry in her voice, but his head was full of light and he couldn't see or move to answer. She said she was going to touch him. He wanted to tell her "no", because he wasn't sure if he could keep from bonding with her and he knew she didn't want it. But all his words had been annihilated and he couldn't feel his mouth…

And then the light was gone and Buck was in his body again, staring into Clara Williams' bright blue eyes. She was cupping his face in her warm, soft hands, and for the first time in as long as he could remember there was a barrier between his mind and the world around him.

He cried out in shock and something that wasn't pain so much as the sudden absence of it. His bond flared, straining towards her, and he cried out again in dismay when she pulled back. He lunged for her, barely aware of what he was doing other than a desperate, instinctive need for comfort. He wrapped her in his arms, burying his face against the junction of her neck and shoulder. He was shaking, whimpering like an animal. Clara slid her fingers into his damp, filthy hair, whispering "Shh, shh," like she was soothing a child. Buck choked on a sob, clutching at the back of her shirt.

"Buck? Are you okay, Buck?" Christopher was patting his arm. He sounded scared. Buck needed to answer him, but he couldn't make himself lift his head. Instead he forced himself to let go of his—No, not his, the—Guide with one hand long enough to clumsily pat Christopher's back.

"Your dad's okay. All that water was just a lot of sensory input at once. I was helping him get his shields fixed up," Clara said to Christopher. Buck could hear the smile in her voice, and the calm assurance of her heartbeat. She rubbed Buck's back. Her other hand was a warm, steady pressure at the base of his skull, holding him in place. She smelled like sweat and stress and the disgusting mix of city detritus and seawater. But underneath all that was something sweet and welcoming, like coming home on a cold night. He breathed it in, sinking gratefully as he calmed. He didn't realize he'd licked her neck to collect her taste until her heard her soft "oh," in surprise.

Buck froze, mortified.

"It's all right, I don't mind," Clara said. She was still rubbing his back. "I'm here. Ground yourself if you need to."

He sighed, slumping with relief. His bond flared again but it was easier to shove it back. "Thank you," he murmured. It felt like the words had to carve their way out of his throat.

"My pleasure, Sentinel," Clara said. "Welcome back."

"Buck. Call me Buck." He steeled himself then lifted his head, forcing down another whimper when Clara's fingers left his hair. He blinked, startled at all the other people on the truck with them. He'd forgotten it wasn't just him, Christopher and the Guide. His face burned with shame when he realized they'd all witnessed his breakdown.

"Is the im-put better now?" Christopher asked. His little hand was still on Buck's arm. He stared up at him with big, worried eyes behind his fogged glasses.

"Yeah, buddy. Input's all better." Buck nodded, thankful for the excuse to avert his gaze. He pulled Christopher onto his lap so Clara could sit beside them, instead of kneeling in water. Buck felt like an ass, clinging to her for God only knew how long when she must've been uncomfortable as hell.

Christopher giggled like being picked up was awesome. Buck managed to dredge up an answering smile, even though he still felt shaky and off-kilter. He was also so embarrassed he kind of wished he'd drowned.

"Your dad's shields weren't doing so well, so I helped strengthen them a bit so he could sort everything out." Clara eased down next to them with a grateful sigh that made Buck feel even worse. She smiled at Christopher as she rubbed her knees.

"Like shield cement!" Christopher cried happily. He tipped his head back and gave her one of his big, beaming smiles like the sun coming out.

Clara beamed back at him. "Yes. Exactly like cement. Just, made with my special Guide energy."

Buck chuckled, then ruffled Christopher's hair. "Yeah. Just like shield cement. But, uh, I'm not his dad," he said to Clara, because Christopher still hadn't corrected her for some reason.

"My dad's a Guide too!" Christopher exclaimed. He patted Buck's arm again. "He's Buck's Guide."

Clara blinked, then her smile went brittle and cold and he heard her heartbeat spike, like she'd been startled by something unpleasant. "He is, huh?" Clara grinned, nearly as bright and sunshiny as Christopher's. But her eyes slid to Buck's for a moment, silently telegraphing her awareness of the lie.

He was just grateful she hadn't mentioned it in front of the kid. Christopher worshipped his dad, and he'd been ecstatic when he'd found out Eddie and Buck were bonding. After everything Christopher had gone through, with moving away from his family and then losing his mom, Eddie didn't have the heart to tell him when the bond failed.

Buck had just been thrilled about it, since it meant he could keep Christopher and Eddie in his life. He still didn't understand why Eddie didn't mind Buck being around his child, but it wasn't as if he'd ask. He knew how lucky he was, that Eddie still wanted him in any way at all.

"Where is your dad today?" Clara asked Christopher. Her eyes slid to Buck's again. Because Eddie should have been with him.

"He's saving people!" Buck couldn't hold back another smile at Christopher's enthusiasm. "He an' Buck are firefighters!"

"I got hurt," Buck explained, even though Clara hadn't asked why he wasn't with his supposed Guide. "I'm on leave until I finish healing." Or until Bobby finally allowed him back, which depended on Eddie okaying it. Which Buck wasn't sure he would.

"Buck's really strong," Christopher said. "Right, Buck?" Christopher patted one of the arms Buck had wrapped around him, grinning like he was having a great day instead of sitting on a truck roof after nearly drowning. "He doesn't need a Guide all the time, just sometimes. Like when the earthquake happened. Or now!" he finished, laughing like he'd made a fantastic discovery.

"Yeah," Buck said, smiling weakly. "Lucky a Guide found us, huh?" He glanced automatically at Clara as he spoke, feeling an uncomfortable mix of gratitude, guilt, shame, and the too-familiar wrench of despair.

"Uh huh." Christopher nodded eagerly, wet curls bobbing, then grinned at Clara again. "You saved him!"

"I'm just glad I was here when you needed someone," Clara said. The look she gave Buck was both compassionate and assessing. "It's not uncommon for powerful Sentinels to experience sensory overloads during natural disasters."

Buck swallowed. Her words and voice had been completely neutral, but he still heard everything she hadn't said: Why didn't you have a Guide to protect you? "We hadn't bonded yet, during the earthquake," he said. He left out how they hadn't bonded at all because Clara already knew. "And, um, it wasn't that bad."

That was another lie. It'd been hell. For a few, agonizing minutes Buck had become the building just like he'd become the water. He'd frozen on the sidewalk staring up at the damaged hotel, resonating with every vibration of its slow collapse until he lost where he ended and the structure began. Eddie had pulled him out of that zone when Chim couldn't; it was the first time he'd acted as Buck's Guide. And even though he used volume dials (military standard, he'd said) and Buck didn't, the way Eddie had pulled Buck back into his body had been so smooth and easy, Buck had thought maybe they could really be something together. That maybe, finally, he'd found a Guide who might actually want him.

Because, for a while there, he really thought Eddie had. Eddie had wanted to be Buck's friend from the beginning, even when Buck was acting like a dick. (Because he'd wanted Eddie the second he'd seen him, but figured shoving the new Guide away would be less painful than another rejection.)

But Eddie had made it impossible to dislike him, and they'd ended up kind of effortlessly sliding into each others' spaces like they'd always been there. And then the earthquake happened and Eddie had pulled Buck out of one of the worst zones of his life. And for a little while Buck had even started to hope.

But in the end Eddie hadn't wanted him either. Just like Abby or Chim, or any of the other Guides Buck had tried to bond with. And now Clara along with them.

Buck just wished he knew what was wrong with him.

"I'm glad it wasn't that bad," Clara said simply, letting him keep that lie too.

"Is he okay?"

"Mmm?" Clara blinked then smiled at Buck, pulling her thoughts back from their tired wandering. She automatically reinforced his shields, making sure to keep her grimace internal.

Even if he couldn't build his own shields right now, he still should have been able to take hers over and keep them strong on his own. But they started to fray nearly as soon as she let go of them. She was prepared to hold Buck's shields as long as she needed to, but it was wearying. She wasn't a particularly powerful Guide, and even when she was younger it hadn't been easy. It was a great deal more difficult now, but she was far more worried about this Sentinel than she was about herself.

"Christopher," Buck clarified. "I mean, he's gotta be wiped, but..." He was still holding the boy in his arms, but Christopher was slumped over, dead asleep with his mouth open. Buck's gaze flickered down to the boy, then back to Clara, full of fear. "Is he okay?"

"Can you hear his heartbeat and breathing?" That was always a good place to start, and something Buck should have done instinctively anyway.

Buck nodded, though it was uncertain. "They sound normal? But..." He winced apologetically. "My senses go weird sometimes."

Clara nodded, humming her understanding. His senses would be prone to instability because of the bond deprivation, making him vulnerable to spikes and zones. His porous shields definitely hadn't helped. She put her hand carefully on Christopher's head, then lowered her shields enough to get an empathic reading. She smiled, pleased to confirm what she already knew. "He's all right. He's just asleep. Children tend to find a Guide's presence very calming, and he's a latent Guide himself, so we echo. I have a grandson Christopher's age who's also a latent Guide." She chuckled. "I'm always put on bedtime duty when I go visit." She carded her fingers through Christopher's hair, remembering her son Danny at that age, with his brilliant potential just waiting to bloom. "I used to work in a Sentinel Wellness Center, so I learned early on to project calm as much as possible." She smirked quietly. "I tend to do it automatically now, so I apologize if I made you sleepy too."

Buck shook his head. "I'm alright." He took a breath, and they both ignored his obvious exhaustion. He had more than enough reason to be tired, but what Clara felt from him was soul-deep and far from just physical. This Sentinel was at the end of his rope. He smiled down at Christopher with so much love, it was no wonder the boy considered him a parent. "Eddie told me he's going to be a Guide. Kid'll be amazing at it." Buck looked at her again and smirked with no humor. "It figures. I take my best friend's son out one time and look what happens."

"You saved him," Clara said. She was certain Christopher would've said the same thing. "And you saved all these people. You did exactly what a Sentinel is supposed to do, and you did it brilliantly. Your Guide would be proud of you."

This time his answering smirk was full of bitterness and pain. "I zoned playing a kids' game. And you know I don't have a Guide."

"Yes I do." She made sure to keep the flare of anger out of her voice. She had always been protective of Sentinels, and the idea Buck's apparent Guide could have disserved him so utterly was enraging. "Which is why it's completely natural you would have zoned after the kind of stress you'd just been through. The fact you've been functioning so well without a bond is frankly astonishing." She lowered her voice, mindful of all the other people on the roof of the truck. "And I hope I get to meet this supposed Guide of yours, because I fully plan on kicking his ass."

Buck laughed a little, then rubbed one eye with his fingers. "Please don't tell Christopher. If he finds out we're not bonded it'll break his heart."

Clara leaned closer to him, lowering her voice still further. "Why aren't you bonded? And yes, it is my business, so you can put away that sourpuss face you're making. I'm a Guide Counselor. And believe me, if we weren't stranded in the middle of a misplaced ocean right now, I'd march your handsome ass to wherever the fuck your Guide is and shake him until his teeth rattled."

Buck winced, then looked down at Christopher. His smile wasn't just wistful, it was heart wrenching. "Did you hear about that Sentinel a few years ago? The guy from the LAPD who couldn't bond with anyone, until he accidentally met an Avenger?"

"Yes I did." James Street's story had made international news because Hawkeye became his Guide. And of course she'd seen him several times while visiting Bucky Barnes and his two Guides. "Is it like that for you? Was I—"

Buck shook his head, and Clara swallowed back her mix of relief and disappointment. He smirked again, but now there was only misery in it. "Kind of the opposite. I could bond with every Guide I touch. But they never want me."

The pain in his voice lanced so deep Clara didn't need her Guide abilities to feel it. "I want you. And if I was younger, I'd take you in a heartbeat. I'd move to LA. I mean it," she added, because Buck was staring at her in utter disbelief and every word she'd said was true. "But you're, what? Twenty-five?"

"Twenty-eight."

"You look young." She gave him a brief smile. "But even if you're twenty-eight, I'm more than twice your age. And you deserve a Guide who can keep up with you. And who can give you more than forty years at absolute best before they die."

Buck swallowed heavily. "I don't care."

"I know." She put her hand over his nearer one, making very sure to keep both their shields strong. "But I do. And I would never be selfish enough..." She had to stop before her voice broke, then smiled at him through the sudden threat of tears. "I can feel your presence, and it's beautiful, Buck. Your light is so bright. And you deserve so much more than what I can give you."

Buck's next breath hitched. "Could you…at least try a surface bond? If you wanted to?"

Clara gasped and slapped her hand over her mouth, unable to help or stop it. It was the desperate, forlorn hope in his voice, like an abandoned child begging for someone to love him. "Buck. Buck, look at me," she said, because of course he'd misunderstood her reaction and he wouldn't.

He did, reluctantly. "It's okay. I get it."

She held his hand a little more tightly. "No, you don't. I can't give you a surface bond. I don't mean I don't want to, I mean, I can't. You're stronger than I am. Yes, you are," she affirmed when he blinked. She pulled up a weak, fleeting smirk. "I just seem badass because I've been doing this a long time. But I'm a level three, at best. You're definitely at four or higher. Which means you'd control the bond. And…I don't think you'd be able to keep it to just surface right now. And I won't risk anything else."

"Okay," Buck whispered. The tiny smile he gave her was painful. "Maybe…maybe when we've been rescued, then?"

God, he was breaking her heart to bits. She let go of his hand and turned her body so she could hug him without crushing the kid in his lap. It was awkward, but the way he clung to her made her glad she'd tried. "I live in New Jersey."

Buck made a noise too sad to be a laugh. "I hear Jersey's nice this time of year."

"Oh, sweetheart." She kissed his cheek, which was more like his ear with the angle, and pulled back. "I can't be your Guide, honey. I'm so sorry, but I can't."

Buck took a deep, shuddery breath, and tears slid down his face when he blinked. He shook his head. "If I'm so… If my presence is so beautiful, why doesn't anyone want me?"

"I don't know," Clara said honestly. "I barely know you, and I can't imagine why any Guide wouldn't want a bond with you." She wondered who Christopher's father was, this Guide who'd lie to keep him happy but refuse to bond with someone his son clearly loved. "What happened with Christopher's father?"

Buck shrugged with one shoulder so he wouldn't disturb the child. "Same as always." His mouth twitched into a wire-tight smile, but he was looking down at Christopher, refusing to meet her eyes. "Well, Eddie actually agreed to a full bond. That hadn't happened a lot. But we started and..." He shrugged again. "I could feel how much he didn't want it. God, I could smell how much he didn't want it. He was terrified. Like, so scared it was torturing him. So, I pulled back before the bond completed. And that was it."

"That's awful. I'm so sorry," Clara said. "Are you close?"

"Yeah," Buck said softly, nodding. "I love him. And I think…I'm pretty sure he loves me too. I mean, we weren't going for a platonic bond. We'd agreed on that." His expression clouded with despair. "I thought he wanted it. But it terrified him."

"Did he ever tell you why?"

Buck shook his head, his gaze still on Christopher. "We didn't talk about it, after I broke the bonding. I figured it was…he might love me, but that didn't mean he wanted to be…attached to me, you know? When you're bonded, you can't leave." He lifted his head but only to turn away from her, looking out at the bright destruction. "Maybe my light just burns everyone." He gave a tight, painful smile to the water. "My parents always said I was too much work."

Those few words held a depth of pain Clara couldn't even begin to touch. She squeezed Buck's hand gently instead. "Have you contacted the Sentinel-Guide Center here?"

Buck's smile became slightly more genuine, but he shook his head. "Well, it's in Long Beach so it's probably under water right now, but...No. Eddie offered but..." He shrugged with one shoulder again. "I want him. Even if he doesn't want me. I want him more than any other Guide I've ever met. He's my best friend. And we work really well together, and there's Christopher, and..." He heaved out a breath. "I'm just tired. I'm just really tired."

"I know," Clara said. It was killing him. "I'm still going to kick his ass."

At least that got something near a real laugh. "Okay."

Chapter Text

This time, Buck recognized the swooping wrongness immediately.

He'd been half-asleep, lulled by the water lapping at the sides of the truck. Clara was still awake, though she was leaning heavily on his shoulder with her eyes closed. He'd given her his hoodie, since the wind was a little chill. It was too big on her but she somehow made it look cute instead of ridiculous.

He could love her so easily. But she didn't want him to. He understood why, but God, it hurt. He was so sick of hurting.

She was still holding his hand. He didn't know if she was putting out the calm Guide vibes, or if it was just having solid, intact shields, but even with the hurt Buck felt better than he had in a while. At least the annoying flicker things were gone.

And then his stomach kind of flipped and dropped like he was back on the Shark Frenzy ride again.

He bolted upright. "Hold on! Hold on to something!" he hollered at everyone on top of the truck. Clara immediately grabbed the rail next to her, looking at him with complete trust.

It was humbling and kind of scary, but it also made him that much more determined not to let her or any of them down.

A second later the truck rocked violently as the water tried to pull it back to the sea. Everyone was shoved to one side, and a couple people went over.

Buck instantly lifted the still-groggy Christopher off his lap and pushed him into Clara's arms. "Watch him!" he ordered, then moved to the body of the ladder truck. He reached as far over the side as he dared, trying to grab the flailing people before they drowned.

He'd managed to snag a man's arm and was trying to haul him to safety when the truck rocked again. It was even more violent this time, as if the ocean was angry she hadn't killed them all. Buck lost his grip on the man he'd tried to save, then almost fell in himself when his hand slipped on the wet rail. And then he heard Christopher cry out and Clara scream, and a small, innocuous splash that was somehow as loud as the end of the world.

"Christopher!" Buck launched himself off the truck, didn't even notice hitting the water, other than his need to get to the surface and find the child. "Christopher! CHRISTOPHER!" His scream hurt his ears and the sunlight glinted off the water like knives. The salt in the air felt like needles in his mouth and he almost gagged from the stench of filthy ocean water. He retreated away from it, to the quiet, dark place in his head where it didn't matter. All that mattered was his pack. The child. He staggered into water shallow enough to stand, still screaming Christopher's name. He had to find him.

"Bucky! Bucky!" It wasn't his name so he ignored it. "Damn it. Buck! Buck, listen to me. Listen!" Someone grabbed his arm and he would have shoved them away except she was a Guide and he had to protect her. "Listen to me," she said again, and she was a Guide so he couldn't not. But he growled at her because he had to find his pack and she wasn't letting him—

"Hey!" She reached up and put her hands on either side of his head, and that was so startlingly familiar he blinked and went still. "We're going to find him, okay? But you've gone a little feral and that's going to make it harder. So I'm going to pull you back, and then I'm going to help you. But if you fight me it's not going to work. I'm not strong enough to help you if you fight me. You understand?"

He nodded frantically. He put his hands on her wrists, aching for the anchor of her contact. Her voice and her scent were like home. "Help me."

"I am. I promise. Just, don't fight." Buck nodded again. He would never fight a Guide. Sentinels protected them. "Great. Beautiful. Just let me..."

He felt her reaching for him like a warm light, pulling him out of the darkness. He didn't fight, tried to help even though he didn't know how. And then it was like something clicked back into place in his head and the world rushed in too loud, too bright, sharp and painful. And then his shields were there and he was all right but Christopher was missing and—

"Hey! Buck! Look at me." Clara gave Buck's head a little shake and he snapped his eyes back to hers. "We will find him, but you have to stay with me. Got it?"

Buck pulled her hands from his head. He let her link their fingers even though he was so desperate he was shaking. "I can't find him!"

"What's your best distance sense? Sight, sound or smell?"

Buck blinked. Nobody had ever asked him that. "Um. Sound. Sound." He swallowed. "But I can't hear him!"

"We will," Clara said, steel in her voice. "I'll help you. How do you visualize your levels?"

"What?"

"Do you use a dial? Speedometer? Sliders? What do you use?"

Buck blinked again. All the Guides he'd ever worked with had assigned him dials. It took a second to realize what she meant. "Elevator. I use an elevator."

Clara flashed him a smile. "Unique. I like it. Baseline is ground floor or basement?"

"Ground floor."

Clara smiled again. "Fantastic. Okay, take your hearing up. Two floors at a time. You're listening for his voice, his heartbeat, whatever you'll know is his. I've got you. You're safe. I'm not going to let you zone. You're just upping your hearing. Ready?"

Buck nodded, then closed his eyes. "Third floor," he murmured, then increased his hearing. He winced as the noise rushed in: calls and cries and the awful splashing of the water.

"Christopher," his Guide said. She must have been whispering because her voice wasn't loud. "Listen for Christopher. We're going to the fifth floor now. Ready?"

He moved his hearing up with her guiding him, then up again. When he reached the ninth floor he finally heard Christopher's gasping breaths and rabbiting heartbeat.

"Christopher!" He snapped his head up, grimacing at his own voice even as he oriented towards the sound. He charged through the water, only peripherally aware he was still increasing his hearing, all but dragging the poor Guide with him. "Christopher! Christopher!" Every splash sounded like gunshots but he could hear Christopher calling him. Still too far away but loud enough to be right at the point of pain. And the most wonderful thing Buck had ever heard.

And then Christopher was there, trapped in a mess of floating debris. His shirt was even more filthy and he'd lost his glasses, but when he saw Buck his grin was as big and beautiful as the sky. "Buck! Buck! I swam! Like Dory!"

This close with his hearing ramped up, Christopher's voice was like the scream of a jet engine. Buck reeled back a step with the noise, but then let go of Clara and yanked him into his arms. "Christopher! Oh, thank God. Thank God." His whisper sounded like a hurricane. He needed to pull his hearing back, but it was still locked on Christopher and he couldn't concentrate on anything else.

Christopher threw his arms around Buck's neck, and even that noise was painful. "I knew you'd find me!" His joyful shout felt like knives stabbing into Buck's skull.

Buck gasped in pain, then staggered before he caught his balance. The water splashing was unbearable. So was Christopher asking him what was wrong. He wanted to clap his hands over his ears, but if he did that Christopher would fall and Buck would never let that happen but it hurt so badly—

He realized he was spiking just as Clara put her hand on his arm. The rasp of her skin on his made him flinch. "Call the elevator back to the ground floor, Buck." Her voice was so soft he had no idea how she was making sound. It only hurt a little bit, compared to everything else.

Call the elevator down. He could do that. He already had his eyes squeezed shut, so it was easy to imagine him standing in an elevator next to Eddie, both of them in their full turnout gear. All the noise hurting him was a fire alarm blaring on the floor outside. He inserted the fire service control key into the lock and switched it to "on". Then he pressed the ground floor. He imagined the sound getting quieter and quieter as they descended, until the elevator finally arrived. It opened with a soft, pleasant "ding!" just as Buck opened his eyes.

"Are you okay, Buck?" Christopher said in the typically loud whisper of young children.

Buck's ears were still ringing a little, but he smiled at him. "Yeah. I'm great. Did you say you swam?"

"Uh-huh!" Christopher grinned up at Buck's face. "I swam to a floating thing! But then I got trapped. But you saved me!" He laughed, like this was all some amazing adventure. "I knew you'd find me." He beamed, so much certainty and trust in his face it was hard to look at.

"I'll always find you," Buck said. He swallowed, suddenly fighting tears. He pressed his temple to Christopher's, trying to ground himself on the child's scent and heartbeat and keep from losing it completely in front of him.

Clara gently squeezed his arm. "You did well, Sentinel," she said, voice still soft.

Buck managed to choke back a sob before Christopher heard it. He wanted to say "thank you", but he knew he'd start bawling if he tried to speak. You're tired. You're just tired, he thought. He was all right. Christopher was all right. There was nothing to cry about. He was fine.

Christopher wrapped his arms around Buck's head. "It's okay, Buck," he said, like he was the adult and Buck had nearly drowned. "It's been a pretty long day, huh?"

Buck made a gasping, wet laugh then raised his head. He grinned at Christopher, wiping his eyes. "You got that right, buddy."

"Can we go home now?" Christopher asked.

Buck wheezed out another laugh. "Yeah. That's a great idea. Let's go home."

"Incoming! Debris!" Bobby shouted, and then the Ferris wheel lurched and groaned like a dying sea monster. Eddie threw his arms around one of the spokes and held on for dear life. He gritted his teeth against the shuddering that threatened to shake him off, and the screams of everyone trying not to get tossed into the ocean. He had a sudden, horrible memory of being in the helicopter as it fell, certain he'd never see his little boy again.

And then, suddenly he was right there after the crash: alone in the cold, dark desert. His nose was full of the stench of blood and burning fuel, and there was a black, cold nothing in his head where his bond had been. It took Lena Bosko, the other firefighter, shaking his shoulder and calling his name to snap him out of it.

It wasn't until he'd finished strapping his newly-divorced patient onto the backboard that Eddie realized he wasn't just jittery as fuck because of the flashback; he'd been trying to find Buck through a nonexistent bond. As if they were a real Sentinel-Guide pair, but they weren't.

They weren't, and they wouldn't ever be. Eddie could live with that. He just needed to get his head out of his ass and back in the game.

Buck and Christopher were at the movies. They were safe. They were probably a lot more worried about Eddie right now than he needed to be about them. And yeah, a bond would've made it more...convenient, sure, to know how Buck was doing. But they had cell phones. Eddie would call Buck later. Everything was okay.

Everything was okay.

Buck wasn't doing well.

He was dying. That wasn't a surprise. Nothing except a true, complete bond would stop it at this point. Clara had known that since she'd first touched his mind at the pier. It was just, she'd thought—she'd hoped—that reinforcing his shields would have at least mitigated it; made him more stable. Given him more time. But instead he was getting worse.

It was horribly clear the stress of the tsunami and then losing Christopher had pushed Buck past the remains of his endurance. He'd been getting steadily quieter and slower as the day wore on, retreating into himself like he was harboring his strength. She had an iron grip on his shields because now the second she relaxed it they frayed like old rope.

Clara had her hand around his nearer forearm, because using her abilities was easier with contact. She was leading him towards the chairs outside a bakery they'd been told was handing out water. It was in the wrong direction from Buck's fire station, but she'd insisted when he'd tried to argue. They all needed rest and water, Buck especially. He'd explained he was taking blood thinners, because the metal support in his crushed leg had thrown a clot that almost killed him. The cuts on his face were still bleeding. His white T-shirt was stained with blood, and it'd seeped into Christopher's shirt as well. She was worried about the damage she couldn't see under his clothing.

He wasn't feral anymore, but it was creeping in at the edges; Buck instinctively protecting his mind in the only way he could. For the first time in her career, Clara was tempted to let it happen. Feral Sentinels could function without shields. Bucky Barnes had survived for weeks as feral with almost no shields at all. If Buck went feral, Clara could stop holding his shields together, let herself rest a little bit, hold off the burgeoning headache.

The problem was, feral Sentinels were extremely territorial and rabidly protective. Especially of Guides. They also lost much of their higher brain function. If they were in a Sentinel Wellness Center that wouldn't have been a problem, but they weren't anywhere near one. They were a tiny group among a loose, bedraggled throng all trying to get inland. And Buck had two Guides to protect, and one of them was a beloved pack member and child. If she let him go feral and he decided they were being threatened, somebody might die. And in the shape Buck was in, it would probably be him.

"Here you go. Sit down, rest a little bit. I'll get you and Christopher some water." Clara winced at how heavily Buck dropped into the chair, though he held Christopher so carefully she was sure the boy hadn't felt it.

Buck shook his head, moving to hand Christopher to her. "You're tired. I'll get it."

Clara was certain his chivalry was as much her age as being a Guide, not to mention Buck's innate personality. But she wasn't interested in arguing. "If you try to get up, I swear I will break your fingers," she said, channeling all the New Jersey belligerence her son joyfully inflicted on the world.

Christopher laughed. "You wouldn't do that!"

"Of course not. Because your Sentinel is going to stay put," Clara agreed. She aimed a smile at Buck with just a bit of "do not fuck with me" in it.

Buck nodded reluctantly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Clara pulled all the threat from her smile and carded her fingers through his hair, then finally joined the line waiting for water. She could see through the bakery window, and wistfully admired all the quick breads and pastries. Those were not being handed out, sadly. It made Clara long for her purse.

Her phone would be even better, but naturally it'd been in her purse, which was probably being dragged into the depths of the Pacific Ocean. The Long Beach S-G and Wellness Centers might be under water, but there were others in a place as populated as California. Getting Buck to one would be the trick. Luckily, Clara knew a billionaire with supersonic jets, and she had his phone number. Now she just needed a phone. Maybe she could borrow one from a bakery employee—

"Clara!" That was Christopher, and he was scared. Clara whirled and bolted back to them.

Buck had put Christopher on the chair and was standing in front of him, glaring at two young men who had been heading towards chairs of their own. One of them was a Sentinel too. Clara could sense it and Buck had obviously smelled it already.

The other Sentinel was almost as tall as Buck, but had the narrowness in his chest and shoulders of a young man in his late teens. He had short, salt-crusted black hair and compellingly dark eyes, though right now they were blazing with anger. He was shirtless and barefoot, wearing nothing but swimming trunks and lacerations over his sternum and left arm. The Sentinel was handsome, even bedraggled and exhausted. He probably would've been gorgeous if his face wasn't contorted in fury. But he looked entirely prepared to tear Buck apart.

The young Sentinel was feral. Even if Clara wasn't a Guide, his behavior made that painfully clear. And there weren't many things that could make a Sentinel go feral. Going too long without a bond was one. For a bonded Sentinel, it was an injured, dead or missing Guide. After the tsunami, it was horribly possible this Sentinel had experienced all three.

The shorter, equally handsome and underdressed teen with him might have been a relative, with his long, black hair and compellingly dark eyes. But he was definitely not the Sentinel's Guide, and he was clearly favoring one side and grimacing in pain.

Both the Sentinel and his friend were injured. And now this stressed, Guideless, feral Sentinel was facing an unknown Sentinel in foreign territory. Every instinct he had would be beating at him to fight.

Clara reached out and skimmed the teen Sentinel's mind, grateful he wasn't powerful enough to prevent it. He still had his shields, thank God, but his bond with his Guide was pitching like a ship in a storm. She couldn't tell if that meant the bond was dying or just echoing the Sentinel's stress, but either way the boy was buried in his head.

And she couldn't get him present again without letting go of Buck. If she did that, and Buck's shields frayed too much, his senses might go haywire. He'd either end up incapacitated, or feral himself. If that happened it wouldn't end well for any of them.

Buck had clenched his hands into fists. He didn't growl, but his chest was heaving. His eyes were wide and tracking the other Sentinel's movements. The instant Clara came close enough he grabbed her arm and pulled her behind him, so forcefully she stumbled. "Go away," he said to the other Sentinel, voice raw and tight.

"No," the boy said. The single word vibrated on a deep, rolling growl. He stepped in front of his friend, teeth bared like they were already deep in Buck's throat.

Clara wrapped her hand around Buck's nearer wrist, heart hammering even as she projected calm to him as hard as she could. He was trembling from adrenaline, staying present by the skin of his teeth. "Buck," she said quietly, "you need to back down. You can't fight him. He'll kill you." She was absolutely certain of it.

"Bobby, it's okay! He's just scared. He's not gonna hurt me," the other teen said. Buck blinked at the name as if he knew it, but he didn't relax. The boy staggered closer to his friend. "Please, Bobby! Don't do this! I'm safe! You don't have to fight him!"

Bobby sidestepped him. "Back," he ordered. The word was barely more than a rumble. He took a deliberate, menacing step closer. "You. Leave."

"Stop! Please, stop it!" Christopher yelled. He'd shoved himself off the chair, leaning on it with both hands to keep his footing. There were tears running down his face.

Bobby's attention snapped to the child, his eyes widening with shock. And Clara drove her power through his shields like a fist, grabbed his psyche and yanked him back into the light.

He gasped like she'd gut-punched him, then he swayed on his feet before dropping to his knees.

"Bobby!" The other boy limped over and knelt beside him, biting back a grunt of pain.

Bobby threw his arms around the boy's shoulders and buried his face against his neck, trembling and sobbing for air. He was grounding his senses on his friend, trying to fumble back his equilibrium after she'd blown his self-protection apart. Clara just hoped she'd left his shields intact enough, because she wasn't sure he'd be able to rebuild them by himself.

She wanted to apologize. She also wanted to find a nice, quiet place to have a good cry. What she'd done was necessary, but it was also brutal, painful and violent. The complete antithesis of everything she prided herself to be as a Guide. And she'd done it to a kid.

Clara swallowed down the remorse and horror. She didn't have time for it. When she'd attacked Bobby she'd dropped Buck's shields, leaving him at the mercy of the world.

The world didn't seem inclined towards mercy at the moment. It'd been seconds, and even as Clara turned back to him, already mentally stretching out, Buck made a small, awful noise and fell to his hands and knees.

"Buck!" Christopher cried out just as she shouted, "No!". Then Christopher shoved away from the chair and wobbled towards Buck, arms reaching. Buck pushed himself up and grappled him into his arms, shaking almost as badly as Bobby. He was trying to ground himself on his packmate, but it wasn't working. Beneath his unraveling shields, Buck's mind was a writhing mess of territoriality, protectiveness, anger and panic. His senses were going ballistic, spiking and receding at random like a roulette wheel from hell.

Christopher hugged him tightly back. Clara didn't think he noticed Buck's minute flinch. "Are you okay?" he and Buck asked each other at the same time.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good," Buck said, though his voice was ragged and his eyes were clenched shut. "I just…I…" He broke off helplessly.

She put her hand on the back of his head, threading her fingers into his hair. Buck let out a breath and relaxed a little bit, as if her touch alone was helping him. Like she was really his Guide.

"Let me help you with your shields, Buck." She swallowed down the grief, just like the other emotions she had no time for. All the reasons she'd given Buck for not bonding with him were still true. It didn't matter how exceptional a Sentinel he was, or how willing he was to bond with her. Or how easy it would be to love him. She wouldn't condemn him to a limited, too-short life. Even if it broke her heart.

She rebuilt his shields one more time, making them as strong and secure as she could. She was grateful he was still able to help her, though it was clumsy and slow. She was exhausted, and a headache was tapping insistently at the insides of her skull.

And she pulled back from his fledgling bond again, because she was too good a Guide to do anything else.

Buck took a deep, shuddering breath when she'd finished, the tension in his shoulders draining like water. "Thank you," he whispered. His next breath hitched.

"It's okay if you need to cry," Christopher said, patting his back. "My dad says everybody cries sometimes."

Buck's bark of laughter definitely had tears in it. "You're dad's pretty smart."

"Uh-huh," Christopher said, but without his usual joy. "I wish he was here."

"Me too, buddy," Buck said softly.

"That makes three of us," Clara said. And not just because she still wanted to beat Eddie into next week. She was overwhelmed, heartbroken, and so tired, and would have given almost anything right then to not have to keep doing this alone. At least Eddie could have taken over Buck's shields for a bit, before Clara kicked his ass.

Buck suddenly snapped his head up and to his left, a growl rising in his throat. Clara spun around.

"Uh, hi," Bobby said. He was still disheveled and a little wild-eyed, clinging to the shorter boy. But he was present in his head again, complete awareness lighting his brown eyes. He licked his lips, eying Buck with a combination of defiance and wary chagrin. "I'm sorry. About what happened, I mean." He gestured at his friend with a tiny tilt of his head. "We were on the beach when the wave hit. And…and, um…"

"Are you okay?" Buck asked him. His voice still sounded ragged, but the growl was gone.

Bobby shook his head, blinking away tears.

"Our friends had gone to get food when the wave hit," his friend explained. He was horribly pale under the pink of a sunburn, breathing shallowly with his hand pressed over his left ribs. "We've been looking for them."

Buck stood slowly, lifting Christopher into his arms. He wobbled a bit before he regained his footing.

"You alright?" Bobby asked him.

Buck nodded absently, like his decline was inconsequential. "What do your friends look like? Maybe we've seen them."

"My Guide's dead," Bobby blurted, then choked out a sob. He put his hand over his mouth, squeezing shut his eyes as if he were trying to hold in his pain.

"Reggie's alive!" his friend said firmly, like believing it enough would make it true. "Reggie's got to be alive! If he wasn't, your bond would be broken. But it's not."

Bobby shook his head again, more forcefully. He pulled his hand away from his mouth to knuckle tears out of his eyes. "I can't feel him. How can he be alive if I can't feel him?"

"Your friend's right," Clara said. She kept her grimace internal when Bobby's eyes widened in fear. "My name's Clara, and I'm acting as Buck's Guide. I'm sorry I forced you to become present without your consent. You know why I had to, but that doesn't make what I did right. All I can do is give you my word I won't hurt you like that again."

Bobby's jaw worked, but he nodded. He wiped his eyes. "Is my Guide really okay?"

"I don't know," Clara said honestly. "But I can tell you for sure that as long as your bond is intact, it means he's alive." She took a step closer to him, lifting her hands. "If you like, I can read your bond, and maybe tell you why you can't feel him through it. But I need to touch you to do it. I promise it won't hurt."

Bobby stiffened, then clenched his jaw and nodded again.

Behind her, Buck shifted on his feet. "Clara?"

"I'm just going to help him, Buck. He already has a Guide, and you know he won't hurt me." Buck was concerned about her with a strange Sentinel, but also a little jealous. It'd happened a lot in the Wellness Center, and she'd always found it adorable and a bit sad.

She carefully cupped Bobby's face, then waited until he relaxed. "Okay. Right now I'm just going to look. You won't feel anything at all. Ready?" She waited until he nodded again, then gently slid into his mind, searching for his bond. It was still seething, twisting like snakes and the color of old blood. It might have been dying along with Bobby's Guide, but even then Bobby should have been able to feel him. Unless…It was possible Reggie had purposely shut his side of the bond, to spare his Sentinel the anguish of feeling him die. Except, shutting a bond was a deliberate act. It seemed unlikely Reggie could have been mortally wounded and still able to do it.

Of course, just because an act was deliberate didn't mean it was always conscious. "Bobby, did you go feral when the wave hit?"

Bobby blinked, then his eyes narrowed. "Why?"

The wary kindness reminded her a lot of her son's Sentinel. She wished she weren't too tired to find that funny. "Because when a Sentinel with a bond goes feral, their side shuts down. It keeps their Guide from experiencing their emotions, which can be overwhelming. But it means they can't feel each other."

"I'm not feral now," Bobby said, still eying her distrustfully.

"No." Clara smiled at him. "But it's possible you're still keeping your side of the bond closed without knowing it. Because you're trying to protect your Guide even though he's not with you. Does that make sense?"

"No," Bobby said. Then, "How do I stop it?"

"If I'm right, it should be easy. Just imagine yourself reconnecting to your Guide," Clara said. "Maybe it's like opening a door to let in the light, or calling him. Or opening a tap. Whatever works for you."

Bobby closed his eyes, concentrating. Then his eyelids flew open and he sucked in a breath. He grabbed her arms like he suddenly needed to steady himself. "He's there," he gasped, face alight with hope. "He's there! Oh, my God. He's okay. My Guide's okay!" His eyes filled with tears again. Clara wasn't surprised when he hugged her. He pressed his face to her shoulder like every Sentinel in the history of forever did when they needed comfort. It was one of the best parts about being a Guide, frankly, even if it meant she got a lot of snot on her shirts.

He threw out one arm blindly, snagging his friend across his shoulders and pulling him closer, taking comfort from him too. His friend winced and grunted in pain, but just put his arm around Bobby's waist, like he was used to it. "Told you," he said, grinning.

Clara rubbed Bobby's back, murmuring soothing nonsense while he got himself under control. His seething bond slowly settled, turning from the painful wine-red to a soft, sunset purple.

The shoulder of Buck's hoodie was wet when Bobby raised his head, and there was probably snot on it. She didn't mention it, letting him keep his veneer of adolescent cool while he sniffed and wiped his eyes.

"Thanks," he said quietly. He had a lovely smile, though it was fleeting. He swallowed, then bit his lip. "Reggie's in pain. I mean, he's trying to hide it, but…" He grimaced. "He's hurt. And, I don't know if anyone else is with him," he said to his friend, who clenched his teeth but nodded. "I'm trying, but, I can't tell. He's just hurt and scared."

The other boy swallowed, his own eyes glistening, but he blinked and then pushed his threatening tears back with obvious effort. "I'm sure they're all okay," he said. His conviction was belied by the fragility of his smile.

"Yeah," Bobby said anyway, like he really believed him. He pulled him into a careful side hug.

Clara went back to Buck and Christopher, happy to give the teens a moment that didn't include her being a Guide. Buck had taken Christopher right to the wall of the bakery, giving the young Sentinel and his friend as much space as possible. She leaned tiredly against the wall next to Buck, automatically checking his shields. They were…not great, but hanging in. She sent reassurance to him because of all the high emotions going around, making sure not to include her weariness or headache. She glanced up at the sky, dismayed at the low slant of the sun. They'd barely moved a few blocks and it was already late afternoon.

She heard Buck clear his throat. "Bonds are pretty intense, huh?"

"Yes," Clara said. "Or, that's what I was taught, anyway."

"I wish I knew what that was like."

"Me too," Clara agreed quietly. She instinctively moved her hand to touch him, but then pulled it back to her side. Just in case.

Chapter Text

"Can I ask you something?"

Buck glanced at Bobby. The other Sentinel was still looking straight ahead, next to his friend Willie as they walked. He'd casually broken the window of a waterlogged tourist shop and grabbed flipflops and T-shirts for the two of them. So at least now they weren't half-naked or hobbling over the debris. Bobby had also taken a sixpack of tepid bottled water. Buck had forced himself to drink, but could only manage half before he felt nauseous. He gave the rest to Christopher.

They were heading to the old VA Hospital in Sawtelle. The boys had heard they'd set up a field hospital there, and that people were using it as a meeting point. Bobby was also almost certain his Guide was in that direction. They were hoping to find their four missing friends and get Willie medical attention for his ribs.

Buck just wanted to sleep, but Clara wanted him to get checked out at the hospital too. She was sure there would be Guides who could help him. Buck doubted it, but he needed to look after her and Christopher. So he went.

He wasn't completely sure he'd make it, but at least there was another Sentinel with them in case he didn't. Buck hated the idea of handing that kind of responsibility to a kid, but Bobby was in a lot better shape than he was. Buck also liked how protective Bobby was of his friend. The younger Sentinel would get Christopher and Clara home if he couldn't.

Bobby had even allowed Buck to assess him and Willie back at the bakery once he'd calmed down. That had taken an impressive amount of trust.

Luckily, the boys weren't too badly hurt. They were both sporting cuts and scratches, some deep, but nothing that would need stitches. And Buck was pretty sure Willie's ribs were cracked, not broken, but he didn't trust his senses enough to be sure.

He couldn't trust his senses at all, which was a little frightening. It wasn't just the flickers; he was used to them. It was more like…he had no idea where baseline even was anymore. He was pretty sure he used to know what normal input was, but now everything felt wrong, like his body didn't even belong to him. And every part of him hurt like he was running a fever, but he was cold, not hot.

There were other things, too. Like, he kept getting terrified because he could smell Maddie's blood, only to realize it was his own. Or how he'd startled badly a couple times because he could still taste salt water and kept thinking another wave was going to hit. Or he'd forget Clara had insisted on carrying Christopher for a bit, and think he'd drowned.

You're okay. You're going to be okay. You're just tired. He'd been repeating it to himself like a mantra for he didn't even know how long. All he knew for sure was, it was nearing evening, he ached, and he was so tired he could barely walk straight. And he couldn't remember what Bobby had just said to him.

He blinked at him, trying to ignore how badly he wished his eyes could stay closed. "What?"

Bobby looked like he wasn't sure if he should be worried or annoyed. "I said, I wanted to ask you something."

"Oh. Yeah, sure. Shoot." Buck wiped the sweat off his forehead, then wiped his hand on his grimy jeans. He didn't know why he was sweating when he was cold.

"Why don't you have a Guide?"

Buck gasped in alarm, gaze shooting to Christopher, but the boy had his head turned away. He had his arms around Clara's neck, but looked limp enough to be asleep. "Keep your voice down!" he hissed.

Bobby blinked at him. "Dude, I'm whispering."

"You are?" Buck frowned, then kicked a bit of crumpled foil. It sounded like he'd shoved a safe with his foot. "Oh." He took the elevator down four floors. Hopefully it was four floors. Buck kicked the debris again. It sounded normal. He hoped. "Christopher thinks his dad's my Guide," he said, whispering as well.

"But, he's not?" Willie asked.

Buck shook his head. "He didn't want me."

"He didn't want you?" Bobby repeated, incredulous. "That's fucked up."

"No it's not," Buck said, annoyed on Eddie's behalf. "Just because a Guide and Sentinel are compatible, doesn't mean they're going to work out."

"I thought that was the only thing it meant, though," Willie said. "Like, if you meet a Guide you can bond with, that's it. You're done looking."

"Not all Guides are right for all Sentinels," Buck said, hoping he sounded realistic and not as bleak as he actually felt.

"Why'd he tell his kid you'd bonded, though?" Willie asked. "I don't get it."

"Christopher likes me," Buck explained simply. "He thought me and his dad had a surface bond. It was…easier, just letting him keep thinking it."

"But meanwhile, you don't have a Guide," Bobby said. "That's really fucked up."

"It's not Eddie's fault!" Buck whispered harshly. "It's just the way it is. I'm…" He grimaced. "I'm a freak. I could literally bond with any Guide at all. But there's something about me that…doesn't work. So I don't have one."

Bobby stopped walking to stare at him. "Like…you could seriously bond with any Guide. Ever."

"Yeah." Buck nodded. "I've just, never been able to."

Clara glanced at them over her shoulder, stopping as well. She'd probably picked up on Buck's painful little spike of adrenaline. For a moment the street shimmered around him, but he caught himself before he lost his balance. He found a smile for her, slowing his breathing down. She nodded, giving him a tight, worried little smile of her own before she kept walking. She kept her eyes forward so they had some privacy.

"Why isn't she your Guide? She's cool," Willie said. He was still pale and in a lot of pain, but at least he wasn't cold anymore. He was now wearing Buck's hoodie, because Clara had given it to him when she noticed him shivering. Buck hated how a miserable, animal part of him wanted to rip it off the kid. But it was his hoodie, and he'd given it to her. He hadn't intended it for anyone else.

And he wanted to hold it and just smell her scent. Which was pathetic. She wasn't his Guide and never would be.

Buck swallowed. "Our ages are incompatible."

"She's old enough to be his mom," Bobby explained when Willie looked at him.

"So?"

"So..." Buck took a breath. "She'll probably die of old age by the time I'm in my fifties. And if we're bonded, I'll die too. And she said I deserved better than that."

"Sentinel broken heart syndrome," Bobby said to Willie. "Most Sentinels croak when their Guides do."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Willie grimaced sympathetically. "That bites, man. I'm sorry."

Buck nodded his thanks. "I didn't care, though. I told her that, but…she said she did. So." He shrugged, twisting his mouth into something like a smile. "Like I said. Something's wrong with me."

"I don't know," Willie said. "That doesn't sound like she didn't want you. It sounds like she was choosing you over her."

"Or she was just letting him down easy," Bobby said. "What?" he asked at the look Willie shot him.

"If me being Alex's boyfriend meant he was gonna die forty years early? Total pass," Willie said. "And you know you'd've refused Reggie. Don't deny it."

Bobby opened his mouth like he was going to do just that, but then shut it again. "Yeah." He pulled a breath through his teeth, hugging himself.

They walked on in painful silence. Buck hugged himself too. He'd forgotten how cold California could get in the evening. For a second he was sure he saw snow, then realized they were dust motes when his vision snapped back to baseline. More flickers.

Let's get your shields back. Eddie's voice. Buck licked his lips, nodding to himself. Sentinels could make their own shields, but they couldn't do it well without a Guide. But his weren't gone, just weak. He should have been able to reinforce them, but when he tried to imagine Eddie handing him bricks, the image wouldn't stay in his head. He'd always found the bricks difficult anyway. They were boring, and he needed so many it took forever. When he first came online, he'd been taught to imagine making shields like soap bubbles or blowing up a balloon. That'd been simple, but Buck hated using it because it made him feel like a baby. Chim had suggested toy blocks or Lego, which had been cool. Buck liked Lego because they fit together easily and it felt like play, not work. But Eddie liked masonry bricks, and he was Buck's Guide. So Buck used them.

He tried to imagine Eddie's bricks again, but now they morphed into Lego pieces. That wasn't right. Buck gave his head a quick shake, then went still when the street spun.

"Buck. Buck, you alright?"

"Um." That was Bobby. No. Bobby was his captain. This…this was…The other Sentinel. Right. "Yeah. Yeah, sure." Buck rubbed his forehead. He started walking again. "What do you use for your shields?"

"Endor shield generator from Return Of The Jedi" Bobby answered immediately, taking the tangent in stride. He grinned, proud. "My Guide's really into Star Wars."

Buck had to remember what the shield generator looked like. It'd been a while since he'd watched the movies, and his head was killing him. "So your head's…the Death Star?"

Bobby grinned. "Cool, right?"

"Yeah." It was, but there was no way Buck could conjure up an image of that. "I like Lego," he admitted, "but, my Guide doesn't."

Willie looked confused. "You don't have a Guide."

"Well, not a bonded Guide, but, he still helps me."

Bobby snorted. "Well, he's not fucking here, is he? Use whatever the hell you want."

"Seems to me, a decent Guide would go with what the Sentinel liked, anyway," Willie said. "I mean, you're the one who has to use them, right? Hey, Clara! What do you tell Sentinels to use for their shields?" he called over to her while Buck was still staring at him in confusion.

Why would it matter what visual metaphor he liked or not? Guides were there to help him. Didn't he owe it to them to make it as easy as possible?

"Whatever makes the most sense for them," she answered easily, speaking in a lower voice because of Christopher. "A lot of them like building blocks, though I had one Sentinel who used a goldfish bowl. I also had one who used blown glass, but the strangest for me was a Sentinel who stacked cookies. And please keep your voice down for Christopher."

Willie grinned and gave her a thumbs up. "See?" he said to Buck. "She should totally be your Guide."

"She doesn't want me. None of them do," Buck said, speaking automatically. He was still astonished at the idea of a Guide asking him his preference about anything to do with his abilities. Suggesting, sure. But asking? Why would they waste their time?

"None?" Bobby repeated, "how many are we talking, here?"

Buck had to think about it. "Seven," he said finally. "Wait. No, eight." He had to include Eddie.

"Holy shit," Bobby said. "And none of them went for it? Seriously?"

"Why didn't they?" Willie asked. His incomprehension was kind of nice.

Buck shrugged again. "Um. Lots of reasons. The first one was like, just a few days after I came online. She, uh…" His squeak of a laugh was as embarrassing as the memory. "She wanted to go to university, and I'd just used my college money to buy a motorbike. And crashed it. She said she didn't want somebody that stupid."

"Wow," Bobby said.

"Crashing a motorbike doesn't make you dumb," Willie said. "I skateboard, and I wipeout, like, all the time."

That was nice of Willie too. Buck knew he was dumb, though. He just didn't feel like saying it. "The next couple of ones were later. I travelled around for a while, doing odd jobs. One Guide didn't want to take the time away from training horses to teach me to work with them."

"So…she didn't want to take the time to teach you how to be her perfect partner?" Willie looked confused. "But, you were down for it, right?"

"Yup," Buck said with a tight smile. "Guess she didn't think I was worth it."

"Sounds like her perfect partner was a horse," Bobby said.

Buck snorted a bit in amusement. The boys were kind; he appreciated it. "You're going to love this one, then. I met him in Peru, bartending. He was really sweet, and I thought he…I thought he wanted a bond too. But he wanted to wait for the 'right time' to introduce me to his family." He made finger quotes. "Only he'd said the same thing to two other Sentinels. Yeah," he added tiredly at their wide eyes. "We worked at the same bar, and one time I got there early to surprise him, and smelled one of the other Sentinels on him. He hadn't had time to shower."

"There are Guides who really do that?" Bobby asked, horrified.

"Yeah." Buck nodded, grim. That, and so much worse. But that was his sister's story, not his. "The fifth one didn't cheat or anything. He was the foreman of the construction crew I was working with for a little while. He was an older guy, but he was really nice. He'd always pay for my lunch meals, never gave me a hard time if I was late…And, you know, he'd bring me little presents sometimes. Like, candy. Or work shirts made specifically for Sentinels. That kind of thing. And he kept talking about how much he wanted to bond with me." He was blushing, humiliated at how young and naïve he'd been. But at the time it'd made him feel special, like he really mattered to someone. Only his sister had ever made him feel like that, and she'd left.

"Sounds like he was grooming you," Willie said.

Buck scoffed. "I was twenty-two. You can't groom a twenty-two year-old." But he couldn't help glancing at Clara even as he said it. He wished he'd never started this now. He hated the idea of her knowing what a loser he was and always had been. And then he hated how pathetic it was that he cared.

Clara's eyes met his. She'd obviously heard everything, but he couldn't see any judgement. "You can groom anyone, if you know where they've been emotionally neglected. Age doesn't matter."

"Lots of people have spouses older than they are, though." Buck wasn't sure why he said it. It wasn't like it made him feel less stupid.

"It's not just the age difference, though, it's the relative ages," Clara said. "If you were thirty and he was fifty, that'd be one thing. But you were twenty-two. If he was the foreman, he had to have been at least twenty years older than you. And that begs the question: what would a person in their forties even want with someone barely out of their teens? What on earth could you have in common?"

"Nothing," Willie said. He made a face. "Man, that's gross."

"How old was this guy?" Bobby asked Buck.

"Fifty-one," Buck said. He cleared his throat, ignoring Willie's low whistle. His face was burning. "It didn't matter anyway. Because he broke the bond as soon as he realized I was more powerful then he was. He called me a 'fucking cock tease' and told me not to bother coming into work the next morning. Then he stormed out."

"Holy shit. What an asshole," Bobby said.

Buck smirked, nothing close to humor in it. "Honestly, I still don't get it. It wasn't like I was trying to hide my abilities or anything. He'd even helped me with my shields a couple times." He wasn't sure why he was defending himself, either. Maybe because even years later, he still wondered about it, what he'd done wrong.

"It's possible he didn't notice, if you never resisted him," Clara said. "Since you were so much younger, he might have just assumed you were less powerful too."

"Yeah." Buck's voice was rough and he cleared his throat. "I thought he was more powerful than me too. It just seemed…like he had to be."

"You shouldn't underestimate yourself," Willie said. He patted Buck's arm. "You gotta let your light shine, bro."

Buck nodded. He kind of wished a wave would come back to swallow him. Nothing like getting life advice from a teen.

"Reggie's more powerful than I am," Bobby said, "but he wouldn't care if he wasn't."

"Why'd that guy even want to be more powerful than you, anyway?" Willie asked. "That's kinda suss."

"He wanted to control him," Clara said, like there was no question. "If there's enough of a power imbalance, a Guide can influence their Sentinel's emotions, their movements, and even cause them physical pain. But actual cases of a Guide controlling their Sentinel like that are very rare," she added, because Bobby's eyes looked like saucers. "Most Guides would rather die than hurt their Sentinel."

She glanced at Buck, and he was sure she was thinking about Eddie. His Guide who had hurt him.

"Good thing you were more powerful, then," Willie said. He patted Buck's arm again.

"Guess so," Buck said softly. Maddie's Guide had wanted to control her, though thank God he wasn't powerful enough. But it'd never occurred to Buck he might've been in danger from a Guide himself. All it'd taken was Stu tossing him one fucking candy bar and Buck would've followed him anywhere. Like a stupid puppy. What the hell was wrong with him?

"You okay?" Bobby asked him. "You went kind of quiet," he explained when Buck blinked at him.

"Oh, yeah. It's nothing," Buck said quickly. "Just thinking about the other Guides. The fifth one was when I was training to be a Navy SEAL."

Willie looked incredibly impressed. "You were going to be a SEAL?"

"Shh," Bobby said to him, though he hadn't sounded any louder to Buck. Then, "Why not? Lots of Sentinels do that."

He wasn't wrong. Sentinels tended to love careers involving protection. "I liked the idea of all the physical stuff, and defending my country. And the challenge, you know?" The boys nodded. "But the recruiter also promised me I'd be assigned a Guide. And…" He smiled, but there still wasn't anything funny. "By that point I figured I had nothing to lose."

Bobby winced sympathetically.

"What happened?" Willie said.

"The Guide they assigned to do the training with me…I think he was disappointed I wasn't a machine. He wanted me to somehow turn my emotions off, just use my abilities on command. But I couldn't. I couldn't stop caring just because he told me I should. I didn't want to." And he'd been able to tell with the first, cold slither of the Guide's surface bond touching his mind, that the other man would never love him. "When I told him that, he said he was glad, because it meant he wouldn't be saddled with a pussy who'd just embarrass him. I quit the next day."

"Jesus Christ." Bobby stared at him. "Are they all like that?"

"No," Clara said, quietly but with so much conviction it was impossible not to believe her. "My son's Sentinel used to be a SEAL, and he's one of the most decent men I've ever met. Whoever that Guide was, it wasn't the Navy that damaged him."

"Oh," Buck said. It was actually a relief to hear that. Part of him had wondered if there was something wrong with him—something else wrong with him—because he couldn't be the kind of cold-blooded, perfect soldier his Guide wanted him to be. It was good to know maybe there wasn't.

"That's five," Willie said. "What about the other three?"

Buck took a breath. The next three were really going to hurt. "Five is a paramedic I work with. He was my Temporarily Assigned Guide when I first joined the LAFD. He…we're friends. Good friends. But, he didn't want a platonic bond, which wasn't a problem. I didn't want one either. Except he's only attracted to women."

"But that's, like, nothing wrong with you," Bobby said.

"Yeah. Well. He met my sister a few months later, and made a full bond with her a few months after that. So…" He didn't know what he wanted to say, other than it somehow still hurt. Even with Buck knowing it had nothing to do with him as a person, it still hurt.

"So, it's cool your sister found a good Guide," Willie said.

"Yeah. It really is." He was happy for her. He also envied her so much sometimes he couldn't stand it. "After that was Abby. She…" He clenched his jaw, eyes suddenly stinging. "We had a surface bond. For a while. It was…It was good. Great. And I thought. Maybe." He took a couple more breaths. It'd been months; he really needed to get over it. "But her mom was dying, and Abby was looking after her. And she didn't want to complete a bond with me while that was going on. Which I got! I mean, it was a lot for her already. I didn't want to pile on to that. But then her mom died. And she decided she wanted to see who she was when she didn't have to look after her. So she left. And she met another Sentinel overseas, and that was it.

"And the last one was Eddie," he plowed on, because he didn't want to deal with the boys' sympathy about Abby. He didn't want to think about her at all. "He was brought in to be my Guide after Chim and Abby. And now you're up to date." He was certain his smile looked as pathetic and weak as he felt.

"I dunno. Sounds like most of those Guides were douches," Bobby said. "I think it's a good thing they didn't want you. What if they did, and you were stuck with them?"

"I don't know," Buck said. But he did: he wouldn't be alone.

"You'd be miserable," Willie said matter-of-factly. "Bobby's right. Those first five Guides you told us about were assholes. You should be glad they didn't want you."

Bobby smirked. "Dude, it's a fucking compliment."

The corner of Buck's mouth quirked up in a tiny smile. "Thanks." The boys had said it so easily, like it was just the truth.

But, it kind of was, wasn't it? The Guides he'd tried to bond with before Chim really were assholes. Maybe Willie and the Sentinel Bobby were right, and it was those Guides who had the problem; not him.

Except, Bobby and Willie didn't know him. Buck knew he'd never been good enough. Not for his parents, who only cared about him when he was injured. Not for his sister, who chose her abusive Guide over him twice. Not for Abby, who'd abandoned him too.

Not for his captain Bobby, who knew putting Buck on leave would gut him but did it anyway. And not for Eddie, who was terrified of bonding with him.

He was a freak and a bad Sentinel. Maybe some of those Guides had been worse, but that didn't make him good.

It made him expendable. But Buck had known that for a long time.

"Hey, Bobby?"

Bobby looked at him, then frowned at whatever he saw on his face. "You okay?"

Buck ignored that. "If something happens to me, I need you to make sure Clara and Christopher get somewhere safe, all right?"

Willie blinked at him, then frowned too. "That took a corner."

"We're halfway to the hospital," Bobby said. "What's gonna happen?"

"I don't feel well," Buck said. "I might…You might have to come back for me."

"I can carry you."

Buck was too tired to point out he outweighed him by at least thirty pounds. "Please. You're a Sentinel. I need to know you'll look after them."

Bobby still didn't get it, but he nodded. "Yeah. Of course I will. We're all getting to the hospital."

"Thank you," Buck said on a breath. He wiped more sweat off his forehead and then suddenly the stench of it was overwhelming. Nausea hit him like a sledgehammer. He barely had time to bend over before he puked up the small amount of water he'd been able to drink.

He was peripherally aware of Bobby's arms around his waist, keeping him from pitching forward onto the concrete. And Clara, still carrying Christopher. She was talking to him but he couldn't hear her well enough to understand.

Bobby yanked Buck's closer arm across his shoulders and helped him stumble to the doorway of a building and sit. Buck sagged sideways against the closer wall with his eyes closed, panting and gagging on the taste of his own bile. The brick felt like sandpaper against his temple, and the fresh sweat in his eyes stung like knives. He was shivering, and the twitching of his muscles hurt. Everything did.

The sound of breaking glass behind him was muffled like his ears were stuffed with cotton, but it hurt when Christopher touched his face. Buck reached for him automatically and pulled him into his lap. The child's weight hurt too, but he was warm.

There was a sudden, painfully tight and hot grip on his jaw, and then something wet and brutally cold scraped his face. He startled violently, eyes snapping open. He pulled Christopher more tightly against him, growling at the threat.

"You're safe, sweetheart. It's me, Clara. I was just cleaning you face."

The voice was so soft it was hard to hear, but he recognized it. Except he couldn't make the woman's features resemble anyone he knew. "Wh-who…?"

"I'm Clara," she repeated gently. She slowly brought her empty hand closer to his face. "Here. You know my scent."

He inhaled through his nose, watching her the whole time. Sweat, salt and grime, and sweet like coming home. Clara. He whimpered: part apology; part relief, and bent his head to press his lips to her palm.

She made a small, startled noise, then turned her hand to cup his cheek. "I'm here. I'm right here. It's okay."

He nodded, calming. His gaze dropped to the wet cloth she was holding—it looked like another T-shirt—then back to her face. "Sorry," he rasped, then grimaced and swallowed. His mouth tasted awful and was dry as old wood.

"You don't have to apologize. I startled you. I thought you heard me say I was going to clean your face, but I was wrong. I'm sorry for that. May I continue? I think it will help you feel better."

Buck nodded, then closed his eyes and let her wipe his face clean like he was a little kid. The cloth didn't feel rough anymore, and the water was tepid, not freezing. Christopher's weight didn't hurt either, and he could hear.

Just his senses glitching out again. He was too tired to worry about it.

He did feel better when at least one part of him was more-or-less clean, and the cool water felt good on his face. He raised his arms obediently when Clara said she wanted to give him a fresh shirt, though he was shaking so badly it was difficult to get it over his head. The new shirt was a thick, plush sweatshirt that felt good even with all the salt and grime still on his skin. It was bright red like his hoodie, and probably ridiculously expensive. The cuffs of the sleeves and the hem were wet, but it was much better than what he'd been wearing.

Buck glanced behind him. There was a big hole where someone had smashed the glass door next to the lock.

"Needs must," Clara said. "I'll make sure both storeowners are compensated."

"Your Sentinel's more important than just doing what you're told all the time," Christopher said with a big, firm nod.

"That's exactly right." Clara beamed at him. "And your family and friends, too. Whoever told you that is very wise."

"My daddy!" Christopher said gleefully. "He's the best Guide ever!"

"I can see you're very proud of him," Clara said. Her smile had gone a little thin.

"That's a clothing store, so they didn't have anything to drink, and there wasn't anything Bobby could use to bring the water from the bathroom. But he did find gum near the cash." Willie held out a packet of some designer gum that likely cost as much as Buck's discarded T-shirt. "At least this'll get the bad taste out of your mouth."

"Yeah. Thanks." Buck didn't think he'd be able to keep more water down anyway. His hands were trembling too hard to open the pack, so he just let Willie pour two gum tablets into his palm. The cinnamon shot up his nose like a fireball, but it was way better than bile. He blinked, suddenly realizing someone was missing. "Where's Bobby?" he asked, then wasn't sure who he meant. His captain was okay, wasn't he? Only, he'd been in a bad way when Buck and Hen had gone to his apartment. And he'd smelled so stressed and sad…

No, that was over a year ago. This was the Sentinel Bobby. He'd smelled stressed too, and hurt, but not sad. Except he was gone.

"He thought he smelled our friends and took off," Willie said. He looked over his shoulder, as if talking about his Bobby would make him reappear. "He'll be back soon."

"I think we could all use a rest anyway while we wait for him," Clara said. She nudged Buck's shoulder, and he obediently moved over to make more room. "Sit, Willie." She gestured at the empty spot. Then she kicked aside some garbage and lowered herself to the sidewalk on Buck's other side. The street was still wet in places, including where Clara was, but they were all so dirty it hardly mattered.

Willie sat beside Buck with a small grimace and leaned against the other wall with his arms wrapped around his ribs. He gave a painful little smirk. "I knew we should've gone to the movies."

"Yeah," Buck said.

He woke up screaming for Maddie.

Buck rocketed to his feet then swayed wildly, clutching the wall next to him. He was in the entrance of a brick building, not a wood cabin, and it was twilight, not day. There was no snow.

He didn't understand. Athena had taken Buck to search for Maddie; he remembered that. Eddie had come too, because Buck had found Chim, bleeding out and reeking of Doug. And Buck had been covered in Chimney's blood and that loathsome scent of his sister's Guide, and Doug had been in his territory and his sister was missing. And he was already half out of his mind.

But…but he'd found her. Didn't he? He'd smelled her blood at the cabin and run…

So why was he standing on a dark street that stank like seawater, instead of in a forest covered in snow? Where were Athena and Eddie? Where was his sister?

"Buck?" Clara said, and he swung his head like a lead weight to look at her. "Buck, do you know where you are?"

"Where's Maddie?" He looked around, trying to find her. He recognized Willie and…Bobby? It wasn't the right Bobby, but Buck knew him, and he had Christopher in his arms. But there were two more people with them. Another boy. This one with messy brown hair, blood on the side of his face and a bruise forming just above his jaw. He was holding his right arm tight to his body with his left. Next to him was a young woman with her hair in long black curls. She was leaning heavily on the boy so she didn't have to put weight on one foot.

Buck blinked at them. He tried to focus enough to place them in his memory, but he couldn't. He looked back at Clara. "I don't know who they are."

"They're Willie's and Bobby's friends," Clara said. "Luke and Julie. Do you remember Willie telling you Bobby was going to look for them?"

"Bobby looked for them?" That didn't make sense. His captain went to find people all the time when they were called to a scene, but Bobby Nash had stayed back at the hospital. He'd wanted to be there for Chim. At least, Buck thought he'd stayed at the hospital? He looked at the boy with Christopher again. "You…you're not Bobby. You're a Sentinel."

"My name is Bobby, though," he said, looking almost as confused as Buck felt. "You've been calling me Bobby."

"I think he's lost the plot," Willie said.

"What's wrong with Buck?" Christopher asked.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," Buck said automatically. But he turned helplessly back to Clara. "I don't know what's going on. I need to find my sister. Where's Maddie?"

"I will help you find her, I promise," Clara said very seriously. "But I'm a little concerned about you right now. May I touch you?"

Buck nodded. He'd never refuse her. She smiled and took his shaking hand. Almost immediately he felt calmer. He hadn't even noticed how fast he was breathing until it started to slow down.

"That's better," Clara said, still smiling. "When is the last time you saw Maddie?"

That was unexpectedly hard. "Um…um, she was... There was snow. She was bleeding in the snow." He frowned, eyes moving as he tugged at another memory. "Wait. No. It… Last week?" He hadn't wanted to see her. He hadn't wanted to see anybody, though everyone except Eddie had visited him anyway. But she'd dragged him out of bed, ordered pizza, and then made him eat two slices while they watched a movie he couldn't even remember. They hadn't talked, but her presence had been as comforting as when they were children. He still knew her heartbeat and the sound of her breath as well as his own. When she'd left, he'd felt even more lonely.

But, Maddie had been fine. Not hurt, not bleeding. She'd gone home to Chim, her Guide.

"I saw her last week," he said, more certain. "But, I can smell her blood."

"That's your blood," Clara said gently. "You have cuts on your face and forehead. If Maddie has the same parents her blood will smell like yours."

"Oh." Buck ran his fingertips over the gash in his forehead, then put them under his nose and sniffed. His blood, not Maddie's. He looked around again. If he saw Maddie last week, and he was the one bleeding, then… "There was a tsunami."

"Yes, that's right." Clara smiled again. "We're going to the VA hospital, so everyone can get help."

Buck nodded. He remembered that. "I need to assess their injuries."

"How about we let them do it at the hospital, all right?" Clara asked, voice kind. "We need to keep moving."

"Leave me here," Buck said.

"No!" Christopher reached for him, nearly tipping himself out of the younger Sentinel's arms. "No! You have to come with us! You have to!"

"Don't worry, he's coming with us," Clara said to Christopher. She turned back to Buck, shaking her head. "God, it really is all of you." She tugged his hand to make him move away from the wall, then held his arm to steady him as they started walking. "Now, stop scaring the kid or I'll break your fingers."

Christopher laughed.

Chapter Text

It was slow going, trying to pick their way along the debris-covered street in the dark. There were no cars, and most of the buildings were empty and unlit, looming like caves. There was just enough ambient light from the rest of the city to let them walk at all.

Bobby was leading, carrying Christopher and calling back to warn them of tripping hazards ahead. He'd upped his eyesight, walking like a cat in the night. Luke was next, moving okay except for favoring his arm. He'd said he was pretty sure it'd been dislocated but had popped back into place. It hurt a lot, but he could still use it. Willie came next, who was in the same shape as Luke except for his ribs. Then came Clara.

Buck was last, carrying Julie piggy-back style instead of Christopher in his arms, because she could catch herself if his grip gave out. And he wasn't leading them because he couldn't trust his senses. If he tried to improve his sight it'd probably spike on him, and right now he couldn't risk it.

He was pretty sure Julie just had a sprained ankle, but Clara hadn't let him use his abilities to assess her or Luke. He figured she didn't trust his senses either. Not that Buck could blame her. His Sentinel abilities were useless, and he was so weak he could barely carry a tiny teenager and walk in a straight line. And he was terrified of losing focus, in case he forgot where he was again.

It actually helped a little to have Julie on his back. Her shampoo was nice, under the dirt and oceanwater and the sharp, unpleasant smell of the new clothes Bobby had taken. Her own, natural scent was a little strange, though: not bad, just, almost familiar but not quite. Weird.

And she'd started singing. Buck didn't recognize the song, but the tune was pretty and Julie's voice was lovely, despite her pain and exhaustion weighing it down. The lyrics were full of hope, like a friend urging you to find your way out of the darkness. Like Eddie had when he'd brought Christopher over and told Buck to get up and do something with him.

That…hadn't turned out so well. But the intention had been the same. And if nothing else, the seven of them were trying to walk out of the darkness to get help. The song was crazily appropriate.

Willie had said he, Bobby and their friends were all in a band together. The three boys started singing after Julie did, adding harmonies with the second verse. Bobby had a rough-edged, smoky voice that purred alongside Willie's and Luke's. Luke's voice had a compelling, electric energy to it. And even strained because of his ribs, Willie's was light and warm. The four teens' voices blended in a rich, captivating weave of sound that filled Buck's ears and head and pushed out some of his own exhaustion and pain.

There was a trick he'd taught himself after he'd come online and the first Guide had rejected him: If he found something to focus one sense on—not too much; just enough; just under a zone—it kept all his others in check. If he did it for long enough, the effect would last for hours, almost like having a Guide. It was one of the reasons he'd been such a slut before he'd met Abby. Sex was fun, and focusing on touch let his other senses stay balanced afterwards. And it'd felt so good to be wanted in any way at all, even just for a little while.

He hadn't fucked around since it'd almost gotten him fired. But he still remembered how to push one sense out, just a little bit…

Buck was wrenched back to the present by someone screaming.

He gasped and stumbled, nearly dropped Julie then was nearly strangled when she yelped and tightened her arms around his neck. He'd zoned. He'd zoned on the singing, and now someone was hurt and he hadn't known.

It was Bobby. The other Sentinel was on his butt on the wet street, legs splayed like he'd just dropped there. He was still holding Christopher, cradling him against his torso with one arm like a living security blanket. His free hand was pressed to his temple, as if he was trying to keep his skull from splitting open. He was shaking like he was freezing, his eyes wide with horror and streaming tears. And he was screaming like a soul in hell.

"Bobby!" Willie was the first to reach him despite his ribs. He lowered himself to his knees, putting his hands on Bobby's arm. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"Is it…Is that an spike? Bobby, what's wrong?" Luke asked, stricken, but Bobby couldn't answer.

"I don't know what's going on," Clara said grimly. She put her hand on the back of Bobby's head, concentrating. "He has shields." Her eyes widened. "It's his bond. Something's happened to his Guide."

Julie gasped. "Reggie!"

"Oh, no," Luke breathed. He exchanged a look with Willie, heavy with fear.

Clara looked at Buck, her face full of apology. "I have to help him."

Buck nodded. Of course she had to help him. The kid was in agony; Buck was fine.

It didn't stop the sudden wash of cold where her psionic energy had been. Or how he felt his shields thinning immediately, slowly crumbling like a decaying building. Sensory information trickled in, like seawater through the cracks. Soon it'd be a flood, then a tsunami. Not again. God, not again. Please...

Something light-colored and quick moved out of the corner of his eye and his attention snapped to it, but it was already gone. Buck backed up a step, then another, as if he could somehow creep away from the disaster about to crush him. His heartbeat sounded like a jackhammer, pulse roaring in his ears. Clara was talking to Bobby but Buck couldn't hear her over the frantic movement of his blood.

"What's wrong?" Julie asked. Her voice was nearly drowned out. He'd forgotten she was still on his back, despite how his arms were trembling from strain.

He shook his head, unable to grapple up words to answer. There was sweat on his face, stinging like acid in his cuts and his eyes. The shirt was turning to fiberglass, digging into his back. He couldn't help the tiny sound of pain.

"What can I do?" Julie said. "How do I help?"

Buck swallowed, and that hurt. "S-sing," he managed. "P…Please…"

Julie sang.

This time the song was in Spanish. It was a lullaby Eddie sang to Christopher sometimes, about a hen caring for her baby chicks. Buck didn't want to zone again, but he still closed his eyes, imagining the song infusing his head like light, wrapping around his mind like a warm blanket. Like a shield.

He had no idea how many times Julie repeated the simple lyrics, but it felt like just seconds before her voice trailed off and Buck's eyes shot open. The protective light from her music dimmed almost immediately.

Bobby was back on his feet. He wasn't screaming anymore, but his teeth were clenched, his breath whistling through them. His shirt was soaked down the front with sweat, reeking of stress and fear and the coppery scent of dehydration. And his eyes were fixed on Julie, still on Buck's back.

Bobby wasn't holding Christopher anymore. Buck's laboring heart convulsed in panic until he heard his name and his gaze jumped to Clara. She was holding Christopher, her face tight with concern. "You need to put Julie down now, honey. Very carefully." She sounded remarkably calm. "Bobby had a really bad moment. He's trying to stay present and not go feral, but he's not doing so well. So you need to put his friend down."

Buck nodded, then slowly knelt on one knee, working at not swaying too badly so Julie could step off his back. She did, but when she tried to limp away she stopped, grunting in pain.

Bobby growled.

"Luke, help Julie please," Clara said, just as calmly.

Luke came over as fast as he could. Julie put her arm around him to use as a crutch and he helped her hobble away. She glanced at Bobby and didn't make a noise. Brave kid. Buck's back was unpleasantly cold without her holding onto him.

A bit of the fear seeped out of Bobby's eyes, but he growled again the moment Buck tried to stand. Bobby's eyes widened like he'd shocked himself, but when Buck moved again Bobby shook his head frantically, pressing his palms to his temples.

"No. No." The words trembled on the edge of feral, just like Bobby himself.

"Bobby," Clara said, still so calm and kind. "I can see how hard this is. Your Guide just experienced something terrible and you can't help him. I can imagine how tempting it is to let go and find someplace dark and quiet to hide. I promised I wouldn't force you to be present again, and I want to keep that promise. But that means you need to stay with us. And you're doing so well, sweetheart. You just have to keep fighting. Stay with us, honey. Stay here."

Buck wasn't sure Clara could force Bobby present again even if she was willing to try. She'd been in Buck's head for hours, keeping his shields intact. He didn't need a bond with her to know how tried, stressed and aching she was; he could smell it and hear the tension in her voice. She was strong, but everyone had their limits.

Buck wanted to help her very badly. Her and Christopher. He needed to protect them. The imperative was pulling at him with every wild thud of his heart. It would be easy to give into it, let his instinct take over completely and push him into the comforting dark. Just like Bobby.

He wrenched himself back to the moment with an effort. He couldn't do that. Bobby was a traumatized kid, and Clara and Christopher weren't in danger, no matter how worried Buck was about them. Buck was the only one Bobby thought was a threat, and Buck didn't actually want to fight him.

Buck wouldn't win, anyway. He was shaking with fatigue just from holding himself on one knee, barely able to keep his balance. He didn't want to trigger Bobby, but if he fell over that would probably make things worse. He shifted his raised leg and there was a giant fucking porcupine right in front of him, teeth grinding and quills rattling in warning.

Buck yelled and threw himself backwards, propelled on a blast of adrenaline.

Bobby snarled.

Luke let go of Julie, who pivoted and clung to Willie instead. "Hey!" he barked at the porcupine, stalking towards it. "Rufus! Cut it out! Don't be an asshole." He snapped his fingers then pointed away from them. "Go on, get."

The porcupine bristled at him instead, then lowered his quills and waddled off, looking miffed. He vanished at the curb in a flash of psychic energy.

"That is the worst spirit animal," Luke muttered, then he turned to Bobby. "Bobby, come on." He sounded gently exasperated. "You can do this. You know you can. You're one of the strongest people I know."

Bobby shook his head, expression anguished.

"He's right, Bobby," Willie said. He went closer, Julie limping with him. "And you're not alone. We're with you. And, you're bond's still there, right?"

Bobby hesitated, then nodded. "It hurt."

"I know," Julie said, her voice full of sympathy. "But, whatever happened, he's still alive. Which means he needs you."

"We all do," Luke told him. "We need our leader. We need our Sentinel to get us through the dark." Luke was only describing what Bobby had been doing, but he made it sound like poetry. "We're almost at the hospital. You can feel that, right? Feel Reggie?"

Bobby nodded again. He blinked, tears running down his face.

"Yeah. Reggie's waiting for you, and we need you to get us there." Luke glanced back at Buck. "Buck needs you too. He's sick. And he's not a threat. I mean, you were carrying his kid, Bobby! You know Buck's not a threat."

"Kind of punching down," Willie said.

"Yeah, it is." Julie nodded in agreement. "You're not a bully, Bobby. You stop them."

Luke grinned. "Remember how we met Alex? Because that douchbag was calling him a f—" He glanced at Christopher. "Those really bad names? You marched up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, and when he turned around you said, 'That's my friend', and punched him right in the face. That was so awesome."

"Reggie told me that was when he fell in love with you," Julie said. "In grade five, when you took on some jerk twice your size for a scrawny little kid you didn't even know."

"Reggie's going to be so proud of you for getting us out of this, Bobby," Luke added. He chuckled. "You know what he's gonna say, right?" He gestured grandly with one arm. "'And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my Sentinel'."

"'Tell your friends'," Bobby finished with him. His voice was hardly even a whisper, but the growl was gone. Bobby wrapped his arms around himself and ducked his head, sobbing.

Clara gave a heavy, grateful sigh, then shifted Christopher so she could put one hand on Bobby's nape. "You did well, Sentinel. Welcome back."

Bobby choked out another, louder sob, then turned so he could drop his forehead onto her shoulder. Clara rubbed the back of his head, murmuring soothingly.

Buck watched her gentling a Sentinel who wasn't him, with a cold absence in his head where her shields had been, because she needed all her abilities for Bobby. Bobby, who had a Guide of his own. Who could trust his abilities and use them without fear. Who had a powerful spirit animal who must appear so often it wasn't even a big deal.

Buck knew that was entirely up to the spirit animal, and most of them just showed up whenever they felt like it. But, Buck hadn't even seen his spirit animal once. He was sure she was female, but that was it. She didn't want him any more than any of the Guides did.

But none of that was Bobby's problem. So Buck sat on the dirty, wet sidewalk, and tried to fight down the clawing, bitter envy like barbed wire in his chest. He hated himself for resenting a miserable, distressed Sentinel a decade younger than him. But he was sicker than he'd ever been in his life: so weak and in so much pain it was hard to move, and so tired his thoughts kept dribbling away like water through a sieve. And he couldn't keep his shields intact, no matter what he did.

Buck knew how unfair it was, resenting Bobby for things the kid couldn't control. But right then he didn't have the energy to stop.

It was a relief when Clara finally dabbed a chaste kiss to Bobby's matted hair, then let him go. She carried Christopher the few steps to the nearest building, then grimaced with discomfort as she lowered them both to the sidewalk. Her dirt-streaked face was grey with exhaustion, and she used the sleeve of her blouse to wipe the sweat out of her eyes. Christopher's eyes were full of tears, as done-in by the tension as the rest of them. "I think we all need a break after that," she said to the group.

Luke nodded heavily. "C'mon, Bobo. Let's sit before I fall down." He went close enough to take Bobby's wrist, then squeaked in surprise when Bobby hauled him into a hug. "Or we could do this. This is cool. Just, careful of the arm."

Willie and Julie made their way over to Bobby and it turned into a group hug. Buck thought wistfully about hugs, then about just laying down on the concrete and closing his eyes. But he was worried about Clara and Christopher, so he hauled himself to his feet and shambled over to them. He sat next to Clara by sliding down the wall.

Clara turned enough to cup his face, looking searchingly into his eyes. His heart, already beating fast from the tiny effort of walking a few steps, started pounding. He could tell he blushed because of the flood of heat in his face, and prayed she wouldn't notice.

"I hated having to leave you like that," she said. "Are you all right?"

Be my Guide! Please, please, be my Guide. He barely managed to lock the words in his throat instead of blurting them like a desperate child. He forced himself to smile. "Yeah, I'm good," he lied. The street was doing a slow circle around him like he was drunk, and he was so tired his head felt full of static. The places he was touching her were the only warm spots on his body. And God, his racing heart ached.

He looked at Christopher, partially to dislodge her hand before he started crying. It was easier, not meeting her eyes. "How you doing, buddy?"

Christopher wasn't crying anymore, but he looked dispirited and sad. "I want to see my daddy," he said, with the resignation of knowing the world seldom cares what you want.

"I know, buddy," Buck said on a sigh. "Me too." He pulled Christopher into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. "You're so warm! You're like a furnace! How do you do that?"

At least that got a tiny giggle. "You're just cold."

Buck was cold, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. He leaned down to indulge himself by scenting the child's hair. Buck was already sick to the teeth of the smell of polluted oceanwater, but there was still Christopher's own scent underneath. Having it in his nose was comforting.

Clara's hand wrapped around Buck's arm, and that was another warm place on his frigid body. "Let me help you get your shields back."

Buck nodded. Let's get your shields back. Funny how it was still Eddie's voice in his head when Clara was right next to him. Buck closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall behind him. He imagined neat rows of Lego blocks (fuck the masonry, Eddie), the biggest ones he could remember playing with as a kid. He ended up with the giant Duplo blocks for infants, but he didn't care anymore. He would've stacked cookies or inflated balloons. Whatever could get him functioning shields without Clara having to expend all the effort.

It worked better than the masonry bricks had, anyway.

Chapter Text

Eddie had sent Lena, the firefighter Bobby had saddled him with, to finally get her fucking ribs assessed. He'd literally just turned around when a nurse came running in.

"I need a Guide! I was told there was a Guide in here. I need one, badly!"

"I'm a Guide." Eddie immediately went to her. He had a fleeting, brutal hope the person needing a Guide would somehow be Buck, then crushed it for the cruel fantasy it was.

"Oh, thank God," the nurse said. "Come on. I'll explain on the way." She turned and started jogging.

Eddie blinked and ran to catch up to her before falling in stride. Not like he hadn't figured it was serious, but the speed was worrying. "What is it? Spike? Overload?"

"We have a Guide who just came online," she said, leading him through the maze of tents making up the field hospital. "Yeah," she agreed grimly when Eddie winced. "I know SFA about this spooky shit, so I have no idea how powerful the noob is. But the S-G tent's pretty far out and he was still screaming his head off. He was lucky he was already there and I'd just finished suturing his leg, or that would've been ugly." She made a face. "As-is, it seemed like the poor bast—kid was getting the emotions of everyone in the hospital."

"Probably not that many, unless he's an Alpha," Eddie said distractedly. He'd gone into empathic overload once after Greggs died. All he really remembered was feeling like he was suffocating, completely unable to tell where he ended and everyone else began. He wouldn't wish that hell on anyone.

"Great. So maybe he's not an Alpha. He was still screaming his head off," the nurse said. "The noob's friend says he's turning seventeen in a couple weeks. Oh, the friend's also seventeen, and he's a Guide too. They rode right up to the S-G tent on a fucking horse, if you can believe it. Apparently it's his spirit animal. But, the horse-Guide-kid tried to help the noob, except something went really goddamn FUBAR, because he was screaming too for a couple minutes. But at least he got his shit together, cause it was like a fucking horror movie for a bit there, let me tell you. Anyway," she continued, panting a little bit, "he said whatever he tried wasn't working. But he's had no real training. Actually, the one who just came online wasn't even tested, so he's had no training at all."

"Shit," Eddie murmured. He'd only received cursory training in how to help other Guides himself; more like psychic first aid than anything. The Army hadn't considered it a priority. He really hoped whatever was wrong wasn't too far out of his wheelhouse. "Where are they?"

"There." The nurse pointed to an orange tent, at least 500 feet from the rest of the hospital campus, per standard triage guidelines. Nobody wanted to risk injured Guides or Sentinels being bombarded by the chaos of a field hospital. The tent was emblazoned on all four sides with the shield and crossed spears symbolizing Sentinels and Guides. Eddie had the shield emblem on his military uniform, and now on his bunker and turnout gear. Chim had both, like the tent, because he had a full bond with Maddie. Buck had the crossed spears. If he and Buck had fully bonded, their patches would have been changed to look like Chim's. Eddie had been looking forward to it, the same way he'd looked forward to wearing his wedding ring. Some Sentinel and Guide pairs had fitted metal bracelets, to show their status even out of uniform. Chim and Maddie had them. Eddie had hoped maybe one day he and his Sentinel would too.

That hadn't happened.

The emblems on the tent were reflective because it wasn't as well-lit, having been set up a frankly stupid distance from the rest of the makeshift hospital. Eddie had been in plenty of S-G tents on his military tours, and almost none of them were farther than 300 feet, despite the regulations. It wasn't like warzones were peaceful no matter where you pitched a tent.

He nodded to the nurse, then broke into a full run. He didn't hear any screaming now, which could be good or very, very bad. Honestly, he kind of would've preferred the screaming. If the kid had gone catatonic he had no fucking clue how to help him.

It was a relief when he finally got close enough to hear someone quietly sobbing, and another voice—probably the inexperienced friend—trying to talk him through it.

He slowed to a walk and carefully pulled aside the tent flap to not startle either boy. The tent was set up like its own mini emergency room, with three gurneys and even a portable X-ray. The tray with the suture equipment had been knocked off its stand onto the grass.

The brand-new Guide had to be the sobbing blond kid in the pink T-shirt, black swimming trunks and purple sneakers. He was sitting on the hospital bed with his head down and his hair flopping in his eyes. There were bruises coming up all over his bare arms and legs, and a bandage wrapped around his right thigh that had to be protecting the stitches.

His friend was a brunet in black sneakers, red swim trunks and a black muscle shirt. He knelt next to the blond, with one hand on his friend's shoulder and his other arm splinted and in a sling. There were tear tracks in the dirt smeared on his bruised face, and his were bloodshot like he'd been bawling his guts out. "Don't give up, Alex! I figured this out, right? So I know you can!" He looked like he still wanted to cry, but his voice was endearingly earnest. "You're way smarter than I am, so—Oh!" His head shot up when he noticed Eddie, hope flaring in his bright green eyes. "Are you a Guide? This is Alex. Can you help him?"

"I'm planning to." Eddie came closer, checking himself before he automatically put his hands on Alex's head. Civilians wouldn't expect him to do that the way a fellow soldier would. "My name's Eddie. I'm a Guide Paramedic with the LAFD. The nurse said you've just come online?"

Alex nodded miserably, but he lifted his head and wiped his eyes. They were as bloodshot as his friend's, with irises a gentle blue. "Can you help me? Please? Reggie made me, um. He made me shields? So I wouldn't feel everything from everybody? But I don't know how to...to hold onto them, or whatever. So they keep going away. And, it hurts. Everyone's in pain and really, really scared. And I can't take it. I can't—" His voice broke and he started crying harder. He put his hands over his eyes, like a little kid trying to block out the world.

"It's okay, Alex. I'm gonna help you." Eddie made sure his voice was confident and calm. "I need to touch you. Can I do that?"

Alex nodded. He wiped his eyes again, then twisted his hands together in his lap.

"Great." Eddie put his hands on either side of Alex's head, already concentrating. "I'm just going to check out the shields your friend made you." He looked at the brunet. "Reggie, right?"

Reggie nodded. "Yeah. I did my best, but, I don't know if making a Guide shields is the same as making shields for a Sentinel or not. And, um." He swallowed. "I messed up the first time, and it really hurt."

"It wasn't your fault, Reggie," Alex said, sniffing. "You didn't know you'd feel everything I felt, right? It's my fault for not stopping it."

"But you don't know how!" Reggie protested. "I'm the one—"

"Hey," Eddie cut in gently before the boys' mutual self-blame picked up too much steam. "You both did the best you could. The important thing now is to get Alex able to sustain shields on his own. And yes, it is the same as with a Sentinel," he said to Reggie, because he'd been taught at least that much. He gently probed the shields Reggie had made in Alex's mind, then whistled, impressed. "These are good!" he said in genuine admiration. "It's like, you built your buddy a whole fortress here. Awesome."

"Thanks," Reggie said, sounding like he didn't deserve the praise. "But, my Sentinel mostly just...grabs them from me, when I do it for him? But Alex can't. And I don't know how to keep them from breaking."

"Well, most of the time Guides can just take shields, the way Sentinels can. But since Alex is new to this, it might work better if the builds his own." Eddie had actually never heard of a Guide who couldn't take shields. But then he'd never heard of a Guide who'd come online with no warning or training either. He brushed against the shields Reggie had made his friend again. He was pretty sure he was at the same level as Reggie, though maybe a bit less powerful than Alex. That wouldn't be a problem as long as the kid didn't try to fight him, which he doubted he would.

He pulled his hands back when there wasn't anything else he could learn from Alex's head. "Let's try this first. Alex, what if, instead of taking them from Reggie, Reggie hands the shields to you? Like, giving you a big, glowing ball."

Alex shook his head, wiping his eyes. "We did that. But, as soon as he lets go, it falls apart."

Damn. Eddie licked his lips. "Okay." He made himself smile reassuringly. "Looks like we're going to do this the old-fashioned way, then. You're going to build yourself shields, and then Reggie can remove his, all right?"

"It's not all right!" Alex said, back to wringing his hands. "I don't know how!"

"I know," Eddie said soothingly. "The nurse said neither of you have any official training, so I can imagine how new and scary this is. But you're still here, and I'm going to teach you, okay? I promise it's not that hard. You just need to be brave and try. Can you do that?"

Alex swallowed, then nodded. "Yeah, okay." He wiped his face with the hem of his T-shirt, then lifted his head and pulled his shoulders back. "What do I do?"

Eddie smiled. "Good stuff. Okay, this is what we're doing: I'm going to hand you bricks, and you're going to build four walls and a roof. Those will be your shields. Ready?"

That was the way he'd been trained to teach Sentinels, so they could make their own shields when necessary, or help their Guides do it. It was standard, easy. Everyone knew what to do with bricks, right?

Except, "Wait! Wait!" Alex's eyes were wide with alarm. "I-I don't understand. Don't you need a cement truck, or something? And, what about the wooden frame first? Don't we need that? And, I can't build a house by myself! It's—it'll take too long! I—"

"Whoa!" Eddie put his hands up, trying to stop the kid before he spiraled completely. He was already on the verge of a panic attack; Eddie could feel Alex's terror bristling like a startled porcupine. "You don't need to overthink it. It's just a visual metaphor, right? So it doesn't have to be exact." He smiled for him despite how his own heart was pounding. The brick thing had never failed before. If Alex couldn't make it work, Eddie didn't know what to do. "Okay, let's use cinderblocks, then. And, we're just making a box. Just a big, thick box of cinderblocks. All right?"

Alex's eyes went huge. "A box?" His breathing sped up. "No. How-how would I breathe in there? And, I wouldn't be able to see!" He shook his head frantically. "No. No. I can't do that. I can't—"

"Okay, okay," Eddie cut in, working to keep the fear out of his own voice. "What about…um, a soap bubble?" Christopher had been taught to imagine a soap bubble in his preschool Guide classes.

Christopher had thought it was fun, but Alex just looked bewildered now, as well as terrified. "Those pop!"

"Wait!" Reggie said, snapping his fingers. Alex startled like a gun had gone off. "What about the Endor shield generator? You know, from Return of the Jedi?" he added when Alex just stared blankly at him. "I use that all the time. Do you want to try it?"

Alex just kept staring at him, panting. Sweat was beading on his forehead. "What?"

"Okay, not that," Reggie said quickly. "Um…" He bit his lip, then brightened. "I know! Minecraft!"

"Minecraft?" Eddie repeated.

Alex was still breathing too fast, but now there was curiosity edging into his fear. "Minecraft? I can use that?"

"Yeah, sure!" Reggie nodded enthusiastically. "It's like Guide Eddie said, it's just a metaphor. You can make your shields out of whatever you want. So, do you want to try that?"

"I haven't played Minecraft since I was a kid," Alex said. But he was calming, his eyes narrowing in concentration. "What should I use...Oh! Diamond!" He looked hopefully at Reggie again. "Can I use diamond?"

"Diamond is a great idea!" Reggie clapped him on the shoulder, beaming at him. "Tell you what—you build the walls and I'll build the roof. And don't forget a door you can open so you're not trapped or anything. Ready? Let's see how fast we can do this!"

"In creative mode, okay?" Alex said, closing his eyes.

"Well, duh," Reggie agreed happily, squeezing his shoulder. He closed his eyes as well. "I'm making you a nice diamond roof. What do you think, five by five grid? Fast and easy?"

Alex's forehead creased. "Is that big enough?"

"Yeah," Eddie said, voice quiet with his astonishment. "It can be as big or as small as you want."

"It's just like, a little house for your brain," Reggie said, "to protect it from all the stuff you don't want getting in."

"Like creepers," Alex said with a small smile.

Reggie laughed, incongruous with the tear streaks on his face. "Yeah. Like creepers. All the emotion-creepers you don't want."

"Okay, five by five." Alex nodded, relaxing. "That won't take long..." he went quiet, turning his attention inward.

"Roof's ready," Reggie said softly a minute later.

"Thanks," Alex said, smiling with his eyes closed.

It took him longer to finish. Because he was building his shields precisely brick by brick, Eddie was sure. The kid's imagination was literal as fuck, and it was clear he was prone to catastrophizing. Eddie should have caught that immediately, but he hadn't.

He hadn't helped at all. And now Eddie just watched, listening to Reggie's quiet encouragement and feeling absolutely useless and like the world's biggest idiot.

He generally thought of himself as pretty intelligent. He knew he was good at problem-solving under pressure. Except, his own son played Minecraft, and Eddie wouldn't have thought to suggest it in a million years.

Or anything else, until he'd become desperate enough to think of the soap bubble. He'd been trained to use two metaphors—bricks for shields, dials for senses—and that was it. He used them. With Kemper, then Greggs, then Buck. It'd worked fine for all of them.

It had never occurred to Eddie that Buck might want a different visual metaphor, even though he wasn't military. Hell, it'd barely occurred to Eddie that a different visual metaphor existed.

It had absolutely never occurred to him maybe he'd just been lucky, that Kemper and Greggs had the same training and Buck was so adaptable. If Reggie hadn't been here now, Eddie had no idea what would've happened. He wanted to think he would've found an analogy Alex could use eventually, but...Eddie didn't know. The two things he'd come up with instead of masonry bricks had just made the situation worse.

But Reggie, who apparently had no real training, had thought of something Alex would accept almost right away. And, sure, Reggie knew Alex and Eddie didn't, but…Reggie had also asked if Alex had wanted to try his ideas, instead of just shoving them at him. And he'd already told Alex he could use whatever he wanted to build his shields with. Eddie had given him bricks without even implying there were other options. Because he hadn't considered there might be any.

Just like he'd never given any other options to Buck.

Buck would have said if he didn't want to use bricks, though. But that wasn't true. Buck wouldn't have. Buck wanted people to like him, and he'd really wanted a Guide. And he was adaptable. He would have used whatever he thought Eddie wanted. Jesus Christ.

"I, I think I got it!" Alex exclaimed. He opened his eyes, smiling uncertainly at Reggie. "Can you see my house? Is it good?"

"Lemme check." Reggie still had his hand on Alex's shoulder, and he squeezed gently again as he closed his eyes. He'd only see whatever he'd subconsciously decided shields looked like—most Guides saw some kind of glowing light—but there was no point or use in telling Alex that. Reggie went still, concentrating, then beamed. "Oh, wow. That's beautiful, Alex. You killed it!"

Alex's smile got wider, though it was just as uncertain. "I did?"

"No cap." Reggie patted his shoulder, still beaming at him. "They look awesome. Ready to try them out?"

Alex bit his lip, but he nodded. "Yeah, okay."

"All right. I'm going to lower my shields now," Reggie said. "But I can put them right back if I have to, okay? You don't have to worry. I got you."

"I know," Alex said.

Reggie concentrated again. Eddie saw Alex tense as he waited, but then he frowned, puzzled, and opened his eyes. He looked at Reggie. "Are they gone? They don't feel gone."

Reggie grinned. "That's cause yours are there now. That's all you, Alex."

"Those are mine?" Alex looked shocked, then cautiously happy, then delighted. "Those are mine! We did it! I got shields!" He turned so he could pull Reggie into a hug, carefully avoiding his sling. "We did it!"

Reggie hugged him back with his good arm. "You did it, Guide Mercer. I just helped."

"Helped a lot." Alex's voice was muffled against his friend's shoulder. He lifted his head to look at Reggie. "Thank you." Then he turned to Eddie. "Thank you too."

Eddie shook his head. "I didn't do anything. It was all you and Reggie."

"I would never have thought of Minecraft if you hadn't suggested the bricks, though!" Reggie said brightly. "That was a cool idea."

"Yeah. I'm sorry I couldn't figure the bricks out," Alex said, looking chagrined. "It's just, it was so complicated…"

"Don't apologize. If you couldn't use it, that's on me, not you," Eddie admonished him gently. "It's the way I learned to visualize building shields, but what works for me doesn't have to work for you. A good Guide adapts, like your friend." And Eddie wasn't one. He smiled at Reggie, shoving his guilt, shame and envy back to make sure neither kid would feel it. "You're a natural. You both are. You've really had no training at all?"

Reggie looked pleased for all of a second, but then he shrugged, face falling.

Alex shook his head. "My parents didn't let me get tested, because they think Sentinels and Guides were made by the devil. Because so many of them have same-sex bonds." He forced out a painful squeak of a laugh. "I didn't tell them I had a boyfriend, cause they'd kick me out for being gay. And now I'm a Guide."

"They'd really kick you out for that? For how you were born?" Eddie demanded, appalled.

Alex nodded. "Yeah. Reggie too."

Reggie picked at a loose thread in the cheap material of his sling with his good hand. "I was supposed to be a Sentinel. I mean, my mom was okay with me being a Guide, mostly. But…" He winced. "My dad said Guides should be girls. No offence," he added quickly, head snapping up.

"None taken," Eddie said, keeping his voice warm. Definitely none taken from Reggie, anyway. "I've met plenty of exceptional women who were also Guides, as well as men. And plenty of excellent female Sentinels. It has nothing to do with gender. Or sexuality," he added.

"I know, right?" Reggie said. "But my dad got really pissed when I tested as a Latent Guide. He said they had to be wrong, and he refused to send me to a Sentinel-Guide Center to get trained. So I read stuff online, and watched a lot of YouTube videos."

"YouTube?" Eddie blinked, astounded. "You learned how to make shields like that from YouTube videos?"

"Yeah." Reggie nodded, pleased, though his smile dimmed almost immediately again. "My Sentinel's parents are way cooler, though, even if they're divorced." He said it like he was worried Eddie might think otherwise. "Like, he was only supposed to be a Carrier, right? He had the genes, but couldn't come online. But, his dad says I must've pulled him online somehow, cause…" He stopped talking, gritting his teeth, then took a deep breath through his nose. "Cause the first time I touched him after coming online, we bonded. And we're going to get real training now. I mean." He stopped again, swallowing. "We were supposed to. But—"

All at once he started sobbing, desperately gulping air with tears streaming down his face. He was still on his knees, and he tilted into his friend. Alex hugged him tightly, glancing at Eddie in incomprehension and concern.

"What is it, Reggie? What happened?" Alex asked, still holding him. "Is it Bobby? Is he okay?"

For a brief moment Eddie thought Alex meant his captain, Bobby Nash, but that was obviously impossible.

Reggie shook his head, still sobbing. "I hurt him! I hurt him so badly! And…" He choked out a desolate, frightened breath. "It was through our bond, so he couldn't even protect himself! What if he'd died? What if I killed him?"

Alex looked horrified. "Bobby might be dead?"

"Hey, hey, no," Eddie cut in immediately. "No. That isn't possible. You can't kill your Sentinel over a bond! It can't happen. There's no way you could hurt him that badly."

Reggie pulled away from Alex to glare at Eddie, swiping angrily at his eyes. "I did! I know I did! I tried to make Alex shields the first time, and I fucked up! I went into his mind, and it was just…" He shuddered, then swallowed. "I felt everything," he whispered. "Everything Alex felt, from everyone. I think…it felt like the whole hospital. I'm sorry I bailed like that," he said to Alex, snuffling. "I didn't mean to. But, I thought I was dying—"

"You didn't bail on me," Alex said. "You just, left for a couple seconds. And then you came back! And you made me those awesome shields and then helped me make my own."

Reggie shook his head, still crying. "I fucked up, and Bobby felt everything."

And Reggie had been tearing himself up inside the whole time he was helping his friend, and he'd still done an amazing job. The boy was remarkable, but Eddie's admiration wasn't going to help. "How's your bond now?" he asked. "Are you getting anything from him? Have you sent him anything?"

Reggie shook his head again. "I had to help Alex. And…" His breath hitched. "I sent him everything! What…what if—"

"Reggie. Reggie, look at me." Eddie used the same voice he did with distressed Sentinels, and it worked. Reggie looked up. "Your Sentinel is okay. I promise. I'm not saying it wasn't bad, and I'm not saying he wasn't as overwhelmed by Alex's emotions as you were. I'm saying, he is okay. It's over now. You got your shields back up and got the overload under control, right?"

Reggie nodded mutely, eyes streaming.

"So, Bobby isn't dead, and he's not hurt any more than you were. But he's probably pretty freaked out by what happened and really worried about you. You need to contact him."

"Yeah, yeah. Right." Reggie shifted so he was sitting next to Alex on the bed, tucked his good arm under his sling and clenched his eyes shut. Alex put his arm across Reggie's shoulders.

"Just reach out to him the way you normally would," Eddie said. "I'm right here if you need help."

Reggie swallowed, but nodded, still with his eyes closed. Then he heaved in a breath through his clenched teeth. "He's there!" His smile was hopeful and terribly uncertain, and then crumpled almost immediately. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bobby." More tears squeezed out of his tightly-shut eyes.

"Is he okay?" Alex asked.

"I don't know," Reggie said, stricken. "I don't know! He's feeling…he's so…I can't sort it out!"

"That's okay," Eddie said. "You've both really been through it and he's probably feeling a lot. But you can do this. He's your Sentinel, right? So you know him. Just—" He was about to say, "Just take the strongest emotion first." But maybe that wouldn't work, if Reggie was already having trouble sorting them out. He thought quickly. "Okay, uh. You can think of it like a carousel. If you want to," he added, because Reggie would have. "All the different emotions you're getting can be the animals, going around and around."

"Yeah, okay," Reggie said, then frowned. "Now what?"

"So, now you can just pick whatever animal you want and start there. Maybe take the biggest? Or the smallest, or the weirdest? Whatever you want. And then once you know what the emotion is, you can go to another one."

"Oh, yeah," Reggie said softly. He mimed holding out his hand, then winced. "He's really pissed, cause he was so scared. But, he's better now. It's going away." He took a breath. "He's worried."

Alex bit his lip. "Are our friends okay?"

"I don't know. I can't tell," Reggie said. "He's just worried, and still angry. And he's tired and really sore. And he misses me."

"Can you ask him?"

"Bonded Sentinels and Guides can only send emotions back and forth," Eddie said. Then, "Sucks, I know," because of how crestfallen Alex looked.

"He's not sad," Reggie said. "So, that's good? He's just, really worried."

"Let him know you're all right, that will help," Eddie said.

Reggie nodded again. "I'm safe. I'm okay," he murmured. He relaxed. His smile was still tentative, but it stuck. "He's not so worried now." He gave them a tiny smirk. "Still pissed, though. But that's kind of normal." He took a deep, cleansing breath and opened his eyes. "I think…he's getting closer? Can Guides feel that? We haven't…" He got a little choked up again, but pushed it back. "We haven't been apart like this before."

"You haven't?" That was surprising. It hadn't even been ten hours since the tsunami hit. "How long have you been bonded?"

"Two weeks," Reggie said.

"Actually, more like thirteen days," Alex corrected him. "You bonded as soon as he arrived for practice, and that was around five-thirty. So, it hasn't even been two whole weeks."

"'Thirteen days'?" Eddie parroted in disbelief. "Holy shit," he said, too shocked to censor himself. "Reggie, you really are a natural. I knew you weren't trained, but the way you held yourself together, I thought you'd been bonded for months."

"Oh." Reggie's smile was shy, and slid away again. "It was really bad, at first, after the wave hit. I couldn't feel him. For hours. I knew Bobby was alive, but that was it. That was the worst thing I've ever been through. But, Alex was with me, so that helped? And my spirit animal rescued us, which was awesome." For a moment he gave them a bright grin, before it sunk to something pale and tired. "And, then, all of a sudden he was okay. I mean, he was hurt and scared, but I could feel him again. And he was okay."

"It sounds like he went feral for a while," Eddie said. "The Sentinel's side of the bond shuts down when that happens. It makes a lot of sense he would've gone feral, if he was caught in a tsunami and then couldn't find you. Especially if you haven't been bonded long."

"But, he's coming here, right?" Alex asked Eddie before Reggie's smile collapsed completely. "Reggie said Bobby felt closer."

"I'm sure he is." Eddie smiled at them both. "It's definitely possible to feel your Sentinel's proximity through the bond you share. Just keep it open, and you'll lead him right to you."

"Bobby's coming," Reggie said, face lighting up like he'd just realized what that meant. "He's gonna be here, Alex! He's all right!" He yanked his arm out of the sling to hug him.

"That's great!" Alex hugged Reggie just as tightly. "I just hope everyone else is okay too."

Reggie nodded vehemently. "Me too. Thank God Carrie and Flynn didn't come with us. Bobby would've gone ballistic. Carrie's his sister, Flynn's her girlfriend," he explained to Eddie.

Eddie grimaced sympathetically. "Yeah, that was really good." He'd lived through keeping Buck together when his sister was missing. Doug was lucky Maddie had already killed him in self-defense before her brother found them.

He realized he was trying to make sure Buck was okay through a nonexistent bond again. Buck hadn't responded to Eddie's phone message, but they'd probably still been at the movies when he'd called. And getting a signal right now was almost impossible. Buck had probably tried to call him back and couldn't get through.

Reggie's worry over his Sentinel had just bled over into Eddie, that was all. Only, Eddie had nothing to worry about. And soon hopefully these two boys wouldn't either.

He had a sudden thought to offer to call the boys' friends for them, but then immediately realized how bad an idea that was. Alex and Reggie would be no better off if nobody answered, and possibly worse. If the call went right to voicemail, it might mean the phone was out of batteries…or under water. That wasn't something either of them needed to be thinking about.

Eddie cleared his throat, then tried a different tactic. "Hey, I've got a working phone. Do you want to borrow it to call your parents? Or Bobby's sister?"

"You can call Carrie?" Reggie asked. The boys were glowing with excitement. "That'd be fantastic! We can tell her Bobby's all right!"

"And maybe she's heard from our friends," Alex said, voice full of tentative, painful hope.

"Yeah, sure." Eddie nodded, smiling like his heart hadn't just dropped like a brick. So much for trying to protect the kids from bad news. He pulled his phone out of its waterproof case. "Here." He handed it to Reggie. He definitely hadn't missed how neither teen had mentioned calling their parents.

He watched Reggie dialing, mentally crossing his fingers they were far enough out of the flood zone for the call to go through.

Someone picked up almost immediately. "If this is spam, I swear I will find you and kill you." It was a young woman's voice, loud enough Eddie could hear her too.

"Carrie! Carrie! It's Reggie! Alex is with me, we're okay! And Bobby's all right! We got separated, but I can feel him! He's okay!"

Eddie slipped out of the tent when Reggie put the phone on speaker so Alex could talk as well. He'd give them a few minutes, let them have their privacy. Now the boys were stable he knew he should offer his help as a paramedic, and he wanted to call Buck again. But neither of those had to be that second. Eddie could wait.

Buck and Christopher were all right, thank God. And as soon as this hellish shift was over, Eddie was going to apologize to Buck for forcing bricks and dials on him instead of giving him a choice. And then he'd find out what Buck actually liked, and use those instead.

And maybe then Buck would want to bond with him.

Chapter Text

Buck was feeling steadier, and a little bit proud of himself for actually helping Clara make his shields, when he opened his eyes.

Julie was sitting next to him, with Luke next to her, then Willie, then Bobby, in a weary, bedraggled line. Buck hadn't even noticed them coming over.

Julie shifted with a grimace and pulled a phone out of her back pocket. She'd explained she and Luke had been in a restaurant up a flight of stairs when the water came in, so they'd been knocked around but not submerged. Her phone had barely gotten wet, but there'd been no service every time she'd tried it. "Maybe it'll work this ti—ow!"

The light of the phone screen hit Buck's retinas like a laser. He cried out and clenched his eyes shut, turning his head away. Only to realize a moment later Julie had too.

He blinked the afterimages out of his eyes, looking curiously at her.

Luke was too. "Julie? Are you all right? What happened?"

"I don't know." She rubbed her eyes, looking more annoyed than worried. "It was just, really bright."

"Do you have bars?" Willie leaned towards her to see.

"Ow!" Julie exclaimed again. She put her hand over her ear, glaring at him. "Stop shouting!"

"Uh, I'm not?" Willie said.

"You're not?" Now Julie looked confused. Willie shook his head. "But…"

"Are you okay, Julie?" Christopher asked.

Clara leaned away from the wall so she could look at Julie. "Oh, dear," she murmured, sounding both concerned and resigned. "Julie—"

That was as far as she got, because suddenly there was a butterfly perched on one of Julie's outstretched feet. It was the a size of a small bird, one of the largest butterflies Buck had ever seen, with iridescent purple wings.

"Oh," Julie breathed. She stretched out her hand, and the butterfly fluttered lightly to the tips of her fingers. "Oh," she said again, her eyes going huge. "Oh, no." She burst into tears.

"Julie!" Luke tried to wrap his good arm around her, but she flinched and jerked away. She put her hands to her head, still weeping. "Julie, what is it?" He glanced up at the butterfly, now frantically fluttering around her, then back at his girlfriend. His already pale face went white. "Oh, no," he said, sounding exactly like Julie had. "Is it happening?"

Julie nodded mutely.

Bobby and Willie were pulling themselves to their feet. Bobby's eyes were wide, his nostrils flaring. Scenting the brand-new Sentinel, just like Buck was. Now he knew why she'd smelled familiar before. Too bad he was too dumb to figure out what it meant. Clara could've probably used some warning.

"But, you said it'd be when you were eighteen," Willie said. "Your dad—"

"He's not here!" Julie burst out, then whimpered and clutched her head more tightly. "He was supposed to be with me! He was supposed to be here!" She bent her knees, curling in on herself and sobbing so hard it must have been difficult to breathe. Luke reached for her again and she cried out in pain.

"Buck," Clara said, taut. "I need you to move. I'm sorry."

Buck scrambled to his feet and stumbled away from the wall, still carrying Christopher.

Clara immediately scooted over until she was next to Julie. "Julie, honey. I'm so sorry your dad isn't with you, but you're not alone. I'm right here and I'm going to help you, just until we find your dad. Okay?"

Julie shook her head, still crying. She moved her hands so her forearms were pressed tightly over her ears and she curled up even more. "It hurts."

"I know," Clara said, voice full of urgent sympathy. "You need to make yourself shields, Julie. You're coming online without them and that's why everything hurts. Were you taught how to make them?"

"Yes," Julie gulped, but just kept crying. "I can't! I can't do it!"

"Yes you can, sweetheart. I absolutely know you can. I can help you." Buck couldn't hold in his wince at the weariness in Clara's voice. She put her hand on Julie's back. Clara's touch was as soft as Julie's butterfly, but Julie arched and screamed like she'd been burned. Clara whipped her hand away.

Bobby spit out a quiet, warning growl.

"It's okay, Bobby. Everything's okay. Clara's just trying to help," Willie said, but the anxiety in his own voice made it a hard sell.

Bobby was reacting to a vulnerable packmate under threat. Buck definitely understood that. He was frantically reminding himself these two young Sentinels weren't a threat to his own pack of three. Normally it'd be such a non-issue he wouldn't have to think about it. He'd been on calls for brand-new Sentinels before. At worst he'd just waited back at the truck 'til Hen and Chim got the aggressive ones to calm down. And that was because his presence threatened them, not the other way around. He'd travelled for years before he stopped in California; territory had never meant much to him other than the firehouse. Even then, he wasn't the only Sentinel who had a shift there. But it'd never been a problem.

If he didn't get a hold of himself right the hell now, it might be a problem.

Buck took a step back, then another. He glanced at Bobby, whose gaze was darting between him and Julie. Willie had his palm on Bobby's chest.

Clara was still talking to Julie, but Buck had missed most of it. "…need you to pull your senses in, because I'm so tired I can't help you unless I'm touching you, and right now I can't. What do you use, sweetheart?"

"Sliders!" Luke said quickly. "She said she was learning with sliders, like her keyboard."

Clara tossed him a tiny, grateful smile. "Makes sense for a musician. All right. Can you lower the volume for touch, so I won't hurt you?"

Julie gritted her teeth, chest heaving. "I'm trying—!"

"I can see that. This is a lot at once, isn't it? What if we work on your breathing first? Were you taught square breathing?"

"Yeah, yeah. She was," Luke said. He was breathing too quickly himself. "Can you do it with me, Julie?"

She tried, but she was still crying so hard she didn't have enough air.

Luke looked helplessly at Clara. "What do I do?"

"Sing," Buck said, then winced at the rumble in it. "Sing for her."

Luke blinked, but then he nodded. "Okay." He swallowed, licked his lips, then began to sing. His voice was breathy with fear, but still rich and warm enough to carry the love song he'd chosen.

Julie's gaze snapped to his. Her eyes were luminous and still wet, but she watched him like Luke was her North Star. Her frantic breathing quieted.

Clara carefully put her hand on Julie's back. Julie twitched, but didn't flinch away. Clara beamed, then closed her eyes, breath deepening as she concentrated.

Her shields slid away from him again, like warm water running down a drain. There was nothing but icy cold in its wake. Buck shivered.

He started stacking his infant's blocks, wishing hysterically for someone to sing to him, but without Clara the bricks crumbled like sand. He thought he saw something small and light-colored move out of the corner of his eye again—God, he was losing his mind—but there was nothing. Just the ambient light steadily brightening, ready to burn his eyes, and the cloying stink of a waterlogged city rising to drown him. And beneath that the scents of two powerful and profoundly unhappy Sentinels.

He backed up again, buried his nose in Christopher's hair, then jerked his head up, trying not to gag.

Bobby's attention whipped to him immediately. The kid was a raw nerve. Buck could see the fight to stay present still raging behind his eyes. He was hanging on by his fingernails.

So was Buck. They weren't threats. The kids. Were. Not. Threats. But he was trembling like a racehorse, pinned between fight or flight with the world closing in on him. The impulse to just…let go, sink somewhere safe inside his head, crawled like a snake up his spine.

He looked helplessly at Clara, but she was still focused on Julie, her eyes tight shut. And there was no one else. Nobody who could help him.

Buck had to get out of there.

He backed up another step, about to turn and bolt, when he registered the weight of Christopher in his arms. He was clinging to Buck, watching Julie with his big eyes full of fear. And he needed his dad.

Buck took a couple deep breaths that shuddered into his lungs. Then he carried Christopher to Bobby.

It was stupidly, ridiculously hard. All Buck wanted to do was put himself between Clara and the other Sentinels, keep Christopher safe in his arms. It didn't matter that Buck knew his instincts weren't real; he was still fighting himself with every step. Bringing Christopher to a Sentinel who wasn't his pack was like tearing himself apart.

Bobby's attention was still fixed on Buck, and his expression got increasingly wary the closer Buck came. Willie put himself carefully between them, hand still on his friend's chest. His gaze was on Buck with the same watchful silence.

Buck stopped as soon as Bobby's lips pulled back in an uncertain snarl. Buck was soaked in sweat, panting and aching like he'd run a marathon instead of walking ten feet. It felt like he had to burrow deep in his brain to find his voice. "Take him. Please."

For a moment Bobby just blinked at him, like he couldn't attach meaning to the words. Then he nodded and held out his arms.

"You okay?" Willie asked him.

"I'm fine," Buck said.

Handing the child over was achingly difficult, but Buck did it. Bobby took Christopher gently, held him against his chest exactly the way Buck would. Christopher looked confused and worried, but he clung to Bobby easily, already used to being carried by him. Trusting the other Sentinel. Seeing it hurt in a way that had nothing to do with Buck's instincts.

"I have to go away for a while. Okay, Superman? I need to get help for us," he said, shoving as much cheerfulness into his voice as he could. He was speaking more slowly than normal, struggling to get the words from his head to his tongue. "So I'm leaving you with everyone here. For a bit. They'll make sure you get to your dad. If I don't come back. In time."

"We promise," Willie said, glancing at Bobby.

Bobby nodded. "I'll go," he croaked.

Buck shook his head. "You're the leader. Your pack needs you. My pack needs you." He took another breath. "They don't need me. So, I'll go."

Willie's eyes widened, like he'd heard more than Buck had intended to say. "Dude—"

"I'm fine," Buck snapped. "I'm fine," he repeated normal-voiced, smiling at Christopher. "And I promise I'll see you soon. Okay? But, Clara's got two Sentinels who need help. And Luke, Julie and Willie are hurt too. I'm going to find somebody with a truck. Or something. So we don't have to walk anymore. Sound good?"

"I'm not walking. Everybody's carrying me," Christopher said.

"Yeah." Buck chuckled, then ruffled Christopher's hair. Bobby's mouth twitched at the sudden proximity, but he didn't protest. "But it'd be nice for them to not have to. You're like an elephant!"

Christopher wasn't happy enough to laugh, but he smiled and that was still good. "I'm not like an elephant!"

"You're right," Buck said. "It's two elephants." He touched Christopher's cheek beside his grin, then made himself back up before he ripped Christopher out of Bobby's arms. "Listen to Clara and Willie, okay? I'll see you real soon."

Christopher nodded. "Okay."

Buck gave him one last smile, then looked at Willie. "Thank Clara for me, please. Tell her…" He shook his head, unable to find the words. And he was running out of time anyway. Bobby's heartbeat was thundering in wild counterpart to his own. If one of them didn't leave, somebody was going to snap. "Tell her thank you."

"You can thank her yourself, when you come back," Willie said. He looked like he knew what Buck was planning, but hoped very hard to be wrong.

"Sure." Buck gave him a nod and another smile, quick and tight. Then, "Thank you," he said to them both, heartfelt.

Bobby nodded, pulling Christopher more tightly against him.

"See you soon," Willie said, like a warning.

"Yeah." Buck nodded absently, turning away from them. He didn't look at Clara before he started running.

He headed north—he thought, hoped it was north—towards the lights. The shining part of the city that was still alive. He ran until his joints ached and crackled, and every slap of his soles against the pavement jolted agony up his spine. His lungs hurt when he breathed, tight like overstretched balloons. His damp clothes felt like wet sandpaper on his skin, hung off him like lead. He was shivering so hard his teeth chattered, and that hurt like hell too.

He ran until all he could do was lurch like a monster in an old movie. He tried to follow the sidewalk so he wouldn't stumble into the street, but had to look away before he zoned.

It was so tempting to just let it happen. If he zoned he wouldn't be aware of anything else. He could stop hurting. Just…disappear into his head and never come back. Bobby and Willie had promised to keep Christopher and Clara safe. They didn't need him, and he'd been all but useless anyway.

Buck stopped, swaying like a reed in the wind. Was that why he'd left? Because he was useless? No, that was why his captain had kicked him out of the station. He'd left because of the other Sentinels. Clara couldn't help all three of them, and Bobby might have hurt him. It was better for everyone if he wasn't there.

Except, Bobby already did hurt him. When he'd forced him to go on leave.

Buck blinked, confused, then shook his head. The street wavered and he nearly fell. But, no. He didn't mean his captain. It was the Sentinel. Bobby the Sentinel was nearly feral and might have attacked him. Buck was nearly feral too. But he couldn't give in to it. He couldn't, because—

Because why? Nobody needed him. Willie had already guessed Buck wasn't coming back.

Because if you go feral, you might hurt someone. It sounded like Eddie's voice.

Buck didn't want to hurt anyone. He staggered into a painful, limping jog and kept going.

He wasn't sure where he was headed anymore. At least he knew he was near the coast, because all he could taste was salt. It made him sick a couple times, but there was nothing in his stomach but bile. Puking hurt like he was being disemboweled.

Flickers. Or spikes. Maybe there wasn't really a difference. Buck wiped his mouth on his sleeve (like kissing a cheese grater), and staggered on. He was hunched over, hugging himself because he was so cold and everything hurt.

He tried the Duplo blocks again to rebuild his shields, but it was as useless as the rest of him. In desperation he even went back to soap bubbles. It didn't help. His shields disintegrated regardless of what he did.

Eddie would be so disappointed. No wonder he didn't want Buck as his Sentinel.

He tripped on something he didn't even see and went sprawling. The impact was like he'd dropped off a building. For a while all he could do was lay there, groaning like a dog.

He thought he heard a dog barking in warning, but maybe that was just the thunder rolling in the distance. It was getting louder. He had to get up, get away from it.

Buck made it to his knees, heaving air, but now the thunder was so loud it was like a storm raging through his entire body. He smacked his hands over his ears but it didn't help. The thunder crashed through his nerves and fibers and cells, his very being rang with it; there was nothing else.

The sudden, terrible screech that replaced it was even worse. He couldn't even hear his own scream.

Two more sounds like gunshots, then what might have been his name but was so loud he couldn't shape it in his head. He wrenched his eyes open so at least he could see, only to be staring into light as incandescent as the sun.

It filled his eyes and his head and all the spaces the noise had been until there was nothing left. Buck was obliterated.

To be fair, Chim had been having a pretty shitty day even before he nearly committed vehicular manslaughter.

He'd insulted his Sentinel's professionalism, nearly died twice, and spent more time tagging bodies for retrieval than actually saving anyone. The only bright spot in the whole crap deluge was Maddie's hope, determination and faith in him, shining along their bond.

Boy did he love her. So he was particularly glad he, Hen, Bobby and the rest of their mail truck caravan made it out of the Ocean View Apartment complex instead of becoming a giant fireball. Not burning up for the win. Managing to hit the brakes before he ran into the crowd of survivors who'd appeared out of nowhere was another win. Even if poor Maddie was startled as hell by his moment of panic.

They did not have any bigger mail trucks, alas, so things got a little cramped shoving all the refugees in. But a couple minutes later they were on the road again, and Chim was daring to imagine he could see the end of this hellish shift on the horizon. He was even bold enough to be feeling pretty good about the whole thing. And then all of a sudden Hen screamed, "STOP!" and Chim slammed on the brakes—again—in barely enough time to not turn the fucking idiot young man clearly requiring assistance into street pizza.

Chim and Hen scrambled out of the truck at nearly the same time. But it was Hen who stopped and said, "Buck?" right before the guy wrenched his head up. He was on his knees with his hands pressed to his ears, close enough to the truck to have kissed the bumper. So when he opened his eyes he probably seared his pupils. That would've been unpleasant for anybody, but it really was Buck. For a Sentinel it was probably like having his eyeballs branded.

Buck's eyes widened like a proverbial deer before they rolled back and he slumped sideways.

Chim had kept moving, so he was able to grab Buck's arm before his head made friends with the pavement. And then Hen was there and together they pulled Buck away from the truck, untangled his limbs and got him on his back.

"Buck. Buck, can you hear me?" Hen felt his pulse at his neck, while Chim knelt on his other side and checked him for obvious injuries. He was careful to send absolutely nothing to his beloved Sentinel that might cause her concern. Not a peep. Because if he felt overly concerned, she might call. And he wanted a bit of lead time before he had to tell her they'd just scraped her little brother off the pavement.

And little bro was not doing well. Hen said his pulse was 109, which was bad. So was his clammy skin and too-fast breathing. And Buck could not hear Hen. Buck was out cold. Hen did a sternum rub, scrubbing up and down the center of his chest with her knuckles. He squirmed and clumsily pushed her hand away, but he didn't open his eyes.

Hen called their captain on the radio while Chim finished his own assessment. No obvious life-threatening injuries, but whatever was going on had to be as bad or worse. "Pretty sure he was spiking, maybe an overload." Chim put his hand on Buck's forehead, concentrating. "I'm checking—holy shit. His shields are gone." He eyes widened in astonishment. "I mean, gone. Like, nuclear annihilation, gone. How the hell did he get all the way out here without shields?"

"I'm more concerned with why they're missing," Hen said, grim. Chim nodded, but his attention was inside Buck's skull, getting his shields back before his brain dribbled out his ears.

It wasn't fast. Building shields from scratch for a Sentinel seldom was, especially if the Sentinel couldn't help. And Chim wasn't powerful enough to do a speed run anyway. He knew their captain Bobby had come out of his truck, was kneeling as well and talking, but Chim had his eyes closed and wasn't listening. He was completely focused on his imaginary Lego blocks that were going to shelter Buck from the world.

He didn't let himself go deeper than that yet. Shielding Buck was more important than finding out what the hell was wrong with him. Though that was the horrific million-dollar question knocking like an unwelcome neighbor at the back of Chim's mind. He wasn't injured enough to be circling the drain like this. Except that was exactly what Buck was doing.

Buck was dying. How could this have happened without any of them knowing? Without Eddie knowing? When the hell had Buck started going south like this?

The large, flat green Lego piece snapped neatly into place for the roof of Buck's shield-house, and it turned into a lovely, glowing orangey dome. If Chim said so himself. "I got him shields. Now I'm going to check his levels."

That, at least, was less time-consuming, though more tricky. Chim had to worm his way carefully through the shields he'd just built, then figure out which of Buck's senses were turned up to eleven. That part was easy, actually, because it was all of them. Though only hearing and sight were brain-meltingly high. Those needed to quiet the fuck down PDQ, because Buck was in a world of pain. "Nobody speak," he instructed Hen and Bobby. "I gotta wake him to get his hearing and sight down, and even breathing too loud's gonna hurt like hell."

Hen and Bobby nodded silently. Awesome.

"Great," Chim murmured, putting his palm over Buck's eyes. No point in trying another sternum rub. But Chim was already inside Buck's shields, so he just gave the kid a small Guide push towards consciousness.

Buck made an unhappy little sigh, trying to jerk his head away. Then he let out a pathetically miserable whine as the ambient noise hit. He arched his back and slapped his hands over his ears.

"Shh. It's just me, Chimney. You're safe, Buck. You're with me, Hen and Bobby. Just pull your sight and hearing in. Dial it down, Buck. That's all you need to do," Chim said, whispering as softly as he could.

Buck grunted in pain and effort, gritting his teeth. But Chim could feel the angry red of Buck's sight and hearing cooling bit by bit.

"That's it. That's great. You're doing great," he encouraged, still whispering.

Buck didn't answer, just kept sucking air through his teeth. The last of the angry red smoothed to pinkish-white, and Buck let out a sigh of relief. Then he went limp, completely out.

"That's just him not being in pain," Chim explained quickly, because both Hen and Bobby had tensed up. Well, "not being in pain" was a bit of a misnomer, since the kid was still in a ton of pain. Chim wasn't enjoying sharing it, rummaging around in his head like this. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about it.

Bobby was kneeling with Buck's feet on his thighs, gripping Buck's ankles like he was tethering the kid to existence. "John," he said, looking past Chim's head to talk to the other firefighter behind him. "Tell the passengers we've got somebody injured out here, and check on the critical ones."

"We can't stay here much longer, cap. Some of these people can't wait," Hen said.

Bobby nodded unhappily. "Chim? What happened to Buck? Where's Christopher?"

"What do you mean, 'where's Christopher'?" Hen asked, voice chill with dread.

"Eddie told me Buck was spending the day with him," Bobby said.

"Oh, no," Hen breathed.

Chim did his best to ignore them, since he was still in Buck's head. It was less easy to ignore the dread curdling his stomach. There were only two reasons he could think of for why Buck wouldn't have Christopher with him. The best-case scenario was bad and the worst was horrific. "Gonna check his bond," he muttered. Buck's senses were still running a little hot, but they were good enough. Chim ignored that too and went deeper inside the kid's skull. And froze.

"Chim?" Hen asked. Then, "Chim?" because he hadn't answered.

His not answering was worrying them. Worrying them more. Well, no shit. "There's no bond," he said. He kept poking at the places it should have been, as if he'd somehow missed it the first hundred times. But there kept being nothing.

"'No bond'? How could there be no bond?" Bobby demanded.

"Because there's no bond!" Chim snapped. He took a breath, reminding himself fiercely this was just like any other accident scene. It didn't matter whose kid was missing, or which Sentinel was about to drop dead because there was no bond when there should have been one. Flipping out on his captain wasn't going to help. "It's just, not there. Nada. Zilch. Nothing."

"But, that's not possible," Bobby said. "Eddie's his Guide. Why wouldn't…" He looked at Chim, all the blood draining from his face. "Eddie?"

"Eddie's fine." At least he would be until Chim fucking murdered him. "He spoke to Hen less than an hour ago. He was helping a couple newbie Guides at the VA field hospital."

"Christopher?" Hen asked, her face as bloodless as Bobby's.

"No," Chim said immediately, shaking his head as if that would make it completely true. "He wouldn't be here, if Chris was…if something had happened. He'd be looking for him. Or, still with him. He must've left him with someone." That was the bad answer to why the kid wasn't with Buck. "And, Christopher's pack. Buck would've probably gone feral, if Christopher…didn't make it." That was the horrific one. "And Buck wasn't feral. He couldn't have been. Ferals don't zone or spike."

"We don't know if he was looking for Christopher or not. We don't know what happened," Hen said.

"We can't stay here to figure it out." Bobby looked like it sliced off a chunk of his heart to say it.

Chapter Text

Clara had no idea how long she sat next to Julie on the wet pavement in the dark, helping the young woman make her very first shields as a Sentinel. Clara did know she was stiff and aching when she'd finished, and her head was pounding like a piñata at a migraine party. She was also so tired, the idea of having to stand up and keep walking made her want to cry. But she had no choice. These kids were depending on her to get them somewhere safe.

"You did a great job, honey, how are you feeling?" she asked, rubbing Julie's back.

Julie was calm now and her eyes were dry. "Much better, thank you." Her smile was terribly sad, and faded as she looked down at her and Luke's joined hands. Luke was asleep with his head on her shoulder. Even relaxed his forehead was creased in pain. "I'm sorry I freaked out like that. It's just...my mom died a few months ago. She was a Sentinel. My dad was her Guide. And..." Julie took a deep breath, steeling herself. "We had talked about my dad making a parental bond with me, before she passed. Just until I found a Guide of my own. And, my mom was so happy—" Her voice went thin, but she cleared her throat and carried on. "It's been so hard on my dad, not having that bond anymore. And he was looking forward to this so much. So was I." She sniffed and wiped her eyes with her fee hand. "It was like, a way to keep Mom with us, you know? Even just for a little bit. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. He was supposed to be with me." She sniffed again. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Clara said. She'd felt Julie's grief, as well as her horrible, wrenching disappointment. "It was an awful, terrifying day already, and then you came online at just about the worst possible moment. I'm sure it felt like your body betrayed you. I don't blame you for your reaction at all."

"It did feel like that." Julie nodded. "Thank you. For helping me."

"Of course." Clara rubbed Julie's back again. "I'm so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine much worse for a child than losing a parent. For what it's worth, you did a great job helping me make you shields for the very first time. They're strong and beautiful. I'm sure your mom would have been proud of you tonight, and I know your dad will be when you can tell him."

"Thank you," Julie repeated softly. There were more tears on her tired face, but there was a tiny kernel of pride glowing amidst her sorrow, stress and pain.

"You're welcome." Clara patted Julie's back before pulling away. She took a long, centering inhale, mentally listing what she had to do next. First was making sure the boys were all right.

Bobby was sitting with his eyes closed and his head tilted back against the wall, but Clara could tell he was awake. She smiled to herself. He'd been told he was their leader, and he was taking that very seriously. She was sure he'd be instantly alert if anything unexpected happened. Christopher was sprawled across both his lap and Willie's, dead to the world. Willie was awake as well, softly humming to himself. The pretty tune carried in the silence.

She hated having to break their rest when they so badly needed it, but they couldn't stay here. And she was worried about Buck—

Where was Buck?

Clara pulled herself to her feet, wincing when her entire body had angry things to say about it. She looked around, squinting in the low light. He wasn't where she'd last remembered him standing. He wasn't anywhere she could see him.

And he'd been holding Christopher too, she realized. Only now Willie and Bobby had him.

"Julie, wake Luke. Buck's gone."

"What?" Julie blinked at her, then her eyes widened. "Oh, no." She let go of Luke's hand to cup his face. "Luke, wake up."

He opened his eyes, smiling at her a little muzzily before he registered her expression. He sat up. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'm good. Buck's gone."

"What? Why?"

"We don't know." Clara looked around one more time, but Buck was nowhere in sight. "Bobby," she said, at normal volume but with her concern laced through it. Bobby looked at her immediately, as alert as she'd predicted. "Where's Buck?"

Willie's attention snapped to her as soon as Bobby moved. Clara really didn't like the guilt in his expression. "He left. He asked us to look after Christopher, and he took off. He said he was going to get help."

Bobby nodded. "I offered to go instead, but he said I had to lead."

It was a relief to hear the boy speaking in full sentences, but it didn't dislodge the dread sinking into her heart. Buck was an adult, but he was in no shape to go anywhere alone. She wasn't even sure he was rational enough to have made that decision. "When was this? How long had I been helping Julie?"

"Uh, right at the beginning, pretty much? It was after Luke started singing," Willie said, then grimaced apologetically. "We wanted to tell you, but we figured we should wait until you were done?"

"I didn't know about it. I was just paying attention to Julie," Luke said. He sounded guilty too.

Clara shook her head quickly. "No. Stop with the self-blame, all of you. You did the right thing. I needed to be concentrating on Julie." She took a breath. Her headache had spread to her teeth. "Bobby, can you safely try tracking him?"

Bobby bit his lip, then shook his head. "I've never done it before. I've only been online for a couple weeks."

"Oh. Oh, my," Clara said in astonishment. "You've held up incredibly well, then," she added absently.

"I can do it," Julie said, though she looked uncertain.

"I'm sure you could," Clara said, meaning it. "This isn't about your limitations, it's about mine. I asked Bobby because he has a bond, which would help keep his senses stable. I can't risk being the one to anchor either of you right now. If you zoned, I don't know if I could get you back. Especially not you, Julie—you're far too powerful. I'm sorry."

"Oh," Julie said, eyes big with surprise.

"Are you okay?" Luke asked Clara. He was pulling himself to his feet, moving as slowly and unhappily as Clara had.

"Yes, I'm okay," Clara said quickly, waving off his concern. "I just know I've unfortunately hit my limit. Which means I can't use my abilities to search for him either." Not that they would have done much good unless Buck was within about one hundred feet. Her son Danny could find Sentinels from much greater distances, but she wasn't anywhere near as powerful as he was. One of the reasons she currently had such a terrible headache.

"I can go look for him," Bobby offered. He and Willie were standing as well, Christopher a limp bundle in Bobby's arms.

"No. Absolutely not." Clara shook her head again. "I'm not risking losing you. You need to lead us."

"Julie can lead us!"

"Julie can barely walk without help," Julie reminded him. She was also standing now, but leaning heavily against the wall. "You and Clara are the only ones who aren't badly injured."

"I'm okay. My ribs aren't hurting as much anymore," Willie said.

"I'm very glad to hear that," Clara said tiredly. "But none of us are leaving this group."

"What about Buck?" Bobby demanded. "It's been at least half an hour. He should've been back by now."

Willie worried his lower lip. "He kind of sounded like he didn't think he was coming back, though."

"I'm sure he just wanted you to take the responsibility seriously," Clara lied through her aching teeth. She'd felt Buck's fear every time she had to stop reinforcing his shields, but the last time there'd also been bleak resignation. She was absolutely sure he'd left to relieve her of his burden; finding help was an excuse. "Julie, is your phone working?"

Julie blinked like she'd forgotten she had it, then scooped it off the ground where she'd dropped it. This time she only squinted a little when the screen lit up. "I have three bars!" she crowed, but then looked at Clara, uncertain. "Who should I call?"

"Your dad!" Luke said. "Maybe he can come get us."

"We can't leave without Buck," Bobby said mulishly.

He definitely reminded her of Steve McGarrett. "We have to," Clara told him flatly. "Luke needs his arm checked out. And I'm worried about Willie's and Julie's injuries too. And you need your Guide, Bobby."

"Buck needs a Guide," Bobby said.

"Yes he does." Clara was too tired and in far too much pain to keep the frustration out of her voice. "And I'm just as worried about him as you are. But our standing here arguing isn't going to help him. But if I can borrow Julie's phone and call a friend of mine instead of fighting with you about this, I should be able to get help for us and Buck too. All right?"

Bobby nodded, looking both chagrined and defiant. "Sorry," he muttered.

Clara nodded her acceptance as she held out her hand to Julie. "May I borrow your phone, please?"

"Yeah, sure." Julie handed it to her. "Can I have it back, after? To call my dad?"

"Of course." Clara gave her a quick smile, then dialed, silently praying the call would go through.

It picked up on the second ring. "Avengers Hotline."

Clara exhaled in relief at the British accent. "JARVIS? It's Clara Williams—"

"Guide Williams, it is quite a relief to hear from you," JARVIS cut in, sounding truly relieved. "When we tracked the location of your phone, we were extremely worried. Guide Williams and Sentinel McGarrett are in process of securing leave to come to Los Angeles to search for you."

"Good Lord," Clara murmured. "Please let them know I'm safe and I'll call as soon as I can. But right now I really need your help."

"I will inform them, Guide Williams. Now, what may I do for you?"

"I need transportation to the VA field hospital on Sawtelle. I have four teens with me, aged sixteen to eighteen, and one eight-year old boy. Three of the teens are injured and all four need medical attention. And I need a Guide." She had no idea why saying that last part made her voice crack into a semi-hysterical giggle. She wrenched herself back under control. "Two of the teens are Sentinels. One came online about two weeks ago. He's been separated from his Guide, and is under a great deal of strain. The other one came online less than an hour ago. And there's—" Dear God, she was not going to start crying in front of a bunch of anxious kids while talking to a robot over the phone. She swallowed, breathing through her nose.

"Take your time, Guide Williams. I am here," JARVIS said. His mechanical voice was so kind it almost undid her.

Clara gritted her teeth and kept breathing until she was fairly sure she wasn't going to burst into tears. "There's a third Sentinel. He's twenty-eight, and his name is Evan Buckley but he goes by 'Buck'. He's a firefighter with the LAFD, Station 118. He's about Steve Rogers' height with brown hair, blue eyes, and a red birthmark next to his left eye. He was looking after the eight year-old and was travelling with us. But he left. He's in the late stages of bond deprivation, has no shields to speak of, and is very prone to spikes and zones. I really need someone to find him, JARVIS." Her voice was breaking. "He saved my life. And he shouldn't be out there alone. He's…"

"It's quite all right, Guide Williams. I understand," JARVIS said, saving her from another battle with coherency. "I am sending inquiries about a Sentinel matching his description to every emergency refugee camp and hospital accepting survivors. And Sir has informed me Hawkeye and Snipe are on their way to your location, and have volunteered to look for Sentinel Buckley once you've been delivered to the hospital."

That was so much better than she'd have hoped for, she nearly started bawling in gratitude. "Hawkeye and Snipe? They're in LA?"

"Hawkeye and Snipe?" Christopher cried excitedly behind her. Bobby shushed him.

"All the available Avengers are helping with the emergency," JARVIS said, sounding proud and a little smug. He was so human it was easy to forget he didn't have a body. "Snipe has asked me to inform you their ETA is approximately twenty minutes, depending on traffic. I believe the last part was intended to be a joke."

Clara managed a wet smirk. "Thank you, JARVIS." She hoped the AI would hear how deeply she meant it. "And please thank Tony for me. And thank you as well, for letting Danny know I'm all right."

"My pleasure, Guide Williams. We are all very happy to know you survived."

"Me too, believe me. Take c—oh!" she exclaimed, then winced when it reverberated through her throbbing head. "I'm going to pass the phone to Julie. She's the Sentinel who just came online. She's going to give you names and numbers of people who'll want to know they're okay, if you could please contact them?"

"Absolutely, Guide Williams. It would be my pleasure."

"Thank you," she said again, then handed over the phone.

Julie grabbed it eagerly and put it on speaker. Almost immediately all the kids were talking over each other, giving the AI names and numbers, and recording messages for him to pass along.

Christopher was yelling, "HI, DADDY! WE'RE GONNA MEET HAWKEYE AND SNIPE!" Clara smiled to herself but went a little farther away along the wall they were leaning against, just to spare her head a bit. It was good to hear them all sounding eager and happy, and it would help to keep their spirits up until they could be reunited. God knew they still had a long night ahead of them.

Her smile disappeared as she thought about that, and then about Buck: sick and hurting, out in the long night alone. He might die tonight. She didn't think he was that far gone, but she didn't know for sure. And he'd deteriorated so quickly.

Her reasons for not bonding with him were just as legitimate as they'd ever been. But she couldn't help thinking she'd made the wrong decision anyway.

Chim was almost glad Buck was still out, because getting him into the back of the mail truck was awkward as hell. Like moving a giant, very heavy ragdoll. There also wasn't enough room to lay him down. Chim and Bobby propped the poor kid up between them, with Bobby holding him so he wouldn't fall over. Chim held on to Buck's wrist, keeping his shields intact.

John went back to his truck and Hen took over driving from Chim, and off they went.

They'd barely started rolling before Bobby scrubbed his knuckles up and down Buck's sternum. "Buck. Hey, Buck. You gotta wake up, buddy."

At first Buck just did the uncoordinated pushing thing, but Bobby kept it up for longer than Hen had, and finally Buck opened his eyes. He rolled his head up, nearly clipping Bobby on the chin, then blinked muzzily at him. His eyes were glassy and unfocussed. "Bobby?"

"Welcome back." Bobby smiled, almost managing to hide his concern.

Buck blinked a couple more times, then dropped his head back to Bobby's chest. He tried to hug him, though he wasn't up to much more than weakly flailing around. Bobby helped him shift his deadweight until it was less painful for both of them. Bobby rubbed Buck's back and let Buck ground himself on him, murmuring that it was over now; that he was okay; that he was safe.

It took a while before Buck finally released his death grip on Bobby's shirt and lifted his head. It was a scary testament to exactly how bad his day must have been. And then he immediately turned and flopped onto Chim, doing the same hug-and-grounding thing all over again.

Buck was heavy, filthy, and soaked with sweat, and it was not a good angle. And the kid's chin was digging into Chim's trapezius and his head weighed a ton. But Chim hugged his Sentinel's little brother for dear life, and let Buck ground himself on him as long as he fucking wanted.

Chim would have anyway, because he was a Guide and this was the kind of shit he'd signed up for when he joined the LAFD. But Buck was also his family; his pack. And he was dying. And unless Chim could fix it, this might be the last uncomfortable, overly-long, snuffly hug from the giant dumbass he'd ever get.

That was so unacceptable it didn't bear thinking about.

"Hey, no. Come on, Buck. You need to stay awake. Stay with us, okay?" Bobby patted Buck's back, then tugged lightly on his hair. "Wake up, Buck. We need you awake here."

Chim hadn't realized Buck was fading out on them. He wormed through Buck's shields and gave him a little poke.

Buck snorted and lifted his head. "M'here, he mumbled. He shifted until he was slumped with his back against the truck wall and his hands on his thighs. He was shivering, though the truck was unpleasantly hot with all the people in it. He actually looked worse now than when he was unconscious: hollow-cheeked and ashen, with no light in his half-closed eyes. Like his soul had already checked out but his body hadn't gotten the memo yet.

"Buck," Bobby said, voice kind but full of authority, "where's Christopher?"

Buck slowly turned his head so he was looking at him. "Christopher." He blinked, like he was trying to remember who the name belonged to. "I…" He hesitated. "I left…I left him with you?"

For a second Bobby's face went slack with alarm. "No, Buck. Eddie brought him to your place, remember? You were going to go somewhere together today?"

"Yeah," Buck said vaguely, blinking some more. "Somewhere…" his eyes fixed on nothing as he teased a memory out of his poor battered mind. "The pier."

"Oh, my God," Bobby breathed.

Chim said, "Oh, fuck," a little louder than that.

"Buck." Bobby swallowed. "Where…" He stopped, cleared his throat. "Where's Christopher, Buck?"

Buck turned to stare at him again, moving like his head was almost too heavy to lift. "With. Uh." He frowned. "With Bobby." He looked like that confused him as much as Bobby and Chim.

"Christopher isn't with me, Buck," Bobby said.

Buck still looked confused. "Yeah. But…But, that's not…" He screwed the heel of one shaking hand into his eye, like he was trying for a system reset. "He…he was growling. Porcupine."

"He's delirious," Bobby said, voice laced with frustration and fear.

"Maybe not," Chim said. "I don't think he's talking about you." He snapped his fingers next to Buck's ear. "Buck. Buck, look at me," he said when the sound got Buck's attention. Chim was using his "Listen-To-Your-Guide" voice, and Buck looked. "Which Bobby has Christopher, Buck? Our Bobby?"

Buck shook his head. "N-no. Bobby. Not…" He trailed off, blinking.

"Look at me, Buck," Chim said. Buck focused on him again. "Great. You're doing great. Is Christopher with Bobby who has a porcupine?"

Buck nodded.

"Is the porcupine Bobby's spirit animal?" Chim asked.

"Yeah," Buck said, looking like he hadn't quite realized that himself. "Worst spirit animal."

"Is the Bobby with Christopher a Sentinel, Buck?" their Bobby said, brightening with hope. "Is he a Sentinel like you?"

Buck's gaze made the long journey back to their captain. He nodded. "Sentinel." His voice was weakening, and he was slowly tilting against Chim. "Took Christopher. I-I couldn't—"

"He took him?" Bobby demanded, eyes wide. "Buck. Buck! Did this Bobby take Christopher from you?"

Buck tried to answer, but his eyes slid shut.

Bobby winced, then rubbed Buck's sternum. This time it took a lot more pressure to rouse him. Even with his eyes open, Chim wasn't sure there was anybody home. "I'm sorry," Bobby said. "I know you're tired. But, please. Buck, you have to tell us where Christopher is. Who has him?"

Buck swallowed, blinking like a concussed owl. "Clara."

"Clara?" Bobby parroted. He looked at Chim, "Who the hell is Clara?"

"My Guide," Buck said.

"What?" Bobby demanded. "But you said—"

"Boss, let me handle this," Chim managed not to snap at him. He took a breath, hauling up the Guide voice again. "Buck." Buck turned painfully to look at him. "You're doing great. You're doing a great job. Who is Clara, Buck?"

"My Guide," he repeated.

"Okay, great." Chim raised his hand to stop Bobby before he derailed Buck's precarious focus again. Whether Clara was Buck's Guide or not wasn't relevant. "Is Clara with Bobby?"

"Yeah," Buck said faintly. His eyelids drooped.

Chim was about to give him another mind-poke, but the captain's phone rang just then and Buck's eyes snapped open. Bobby only pulled it out of his pocket long enough to reject the call.

"Look at me, Buck," Chim said. Buck looked at him. It was kind of horrible, how hard Buck was working to pay attention because Chim wanted him to. "Where are Clara and Bobby?"

It took a few beats before Buck answered. Chim could practically see the poor kid dredging his brain and coming up with nothing. "I don't…I don't…" His forehead furrowed in concentration. "Away from the lights." He looked terribly upset, like he knew it was a bad answer but had no clue what a good one might be.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's all right," Chim said quickly, before Buck broke down over street names. "Look at me. Buck, look at me." Buck shifted his gaze back to Chim's face, moving like it took all his remaining strength to do it. Strength Chim was excruciatingly aware Buck was hemorrhaging being interrogated. Because this situation wasn't shitty enough. "You're doing amazing. I'm so proud of you. Is Christopher safe?"

Buck's nod was gratifyingly immediate and certain. "Bobby took him so I could go."

"That was great," their Bobby said. He rubbed Buck's trembling shoulder. "You did a great job. And as soon as we get everyone here to the hospital, we're going to go back and help them. You did it, Buck. You got them help."

Buck blinked into the middle distance while that penetrated, eyes nearly blank. And then his bloodless lips curved in a tiny, unsure smile.

Bobby gave him another hard sternum rub when he started sinking against Chim's side. "Stay with us, Buck. What happened to your bond with Eddie?"

Chim wanted to hear that too, considering Buck was ringing Death's doorbell because of it. But he didn't think Buck was in any shape to respond to that complicated a question. Unfortunately Buck might never be, even if they waited. And the answer was kind of important.

Buck was still looking at Chim, so it was easy to see his sudden, adrenaline-fueled fumble towards clarity.

"It's okay," Chim said, catching the fear in Buck's eyes. "You're not in trouble." Buck might be later, considering this was something he probably should have fucking mentioned. But he had to stay alive first. "But, you don't have a bond and that's messing you up. And we need to know what happened to it."

Buck swallowed, still looking scared. His lips moved, groping for words. "Didn't..."

"Buck. Look at me." Chim recaptured his drifting attention. "Did you bond with Eddie?"

Buck opened his mouth, closed it. He turned his head enough to eye Bobby.

"Answer the question, Buck," Bobby said. Chim was sure that was his Dad voice.

No big surprise when it worked. Buck faltered, but then, "No."

Chim sucked in a breath, managed to beat down the surge of boiling rage before either Maddie or Buck felt it. "Why didn't you bond with Eddie, Buck?" He was privately impressed he kept his voice so calm.

Buck dropped his gaze. "Didn't want me."

Chim did not let the furious, "What?" burst out of his mouth the way it so desperately wanted to. Instead he just wrapped his arm around Buck's trembling shoulders and pulled him into a side hug. "Well, Eddie's just an asshole, then." Chim wasn't even kidding. "We're gonna fix this, okay? As soon as we're at the hospital, we're going to find you a Guide, and you're going to be all right."

Buck was losing his battle with consciousness. "Eddie," he said. It barely had enough air to be a whisper, but it still sounded like a plea.

Bobby put his hand on the back of Buck's neck, squeezing gently. "Don't worry. I'm going to talk to him. We're going to figure this out, Buck. You'll be okay."

"No," Buck breathed. Chim had no idea what he was denying: Bobby talking to Eddie? Figuring it out? Buck being okay? All of the above? No point in trying to ask; Buck was out like a light.

"Let him rest," Bobby said needlessly. His voice was gentle, but his expression was black with anger. He looked at Chim. "They told me they had a surface bond, but they didn't. They lied to me about it. For months. Why would they say they bonded if they didn't?"

"I have no fucking clue," Chim said. "But believe me, I'm planning to ask my Guide counterpart that before I punch his teeth in."

"We can't force a bond if one of them doesn't want it," Bobby said. He pushed his hand softly up into Buck's hair. "I don't want to condemn Buck to a life like that."

Chim kind of loved Bobby for even thinking about it. "Problem is, right now it's condemning him to death. Yeah." He nodded seriously when Bobby stared at him. "Bond deprivation. He's dying."

Bobby's eyes went huge with shock, then he let out a breath and scrubbed his face. When he lowered his hand his eyes were wet. "Does he know?"

"I don't know." Chim rubbed his nose, close to tears himself. What the hell was he supposed to tell Maddie?

"Does Eddie?"

"I don't know," Chim repeated. "It's...it's not common knowledge. Most Sentinels fully bond too quickly for it to be an issue. Except..."

"Except what?" Bobby didn't quite bark.

"Except, if he was guiding Buck at all...Eddie would've felt it, cap," Chim said helplessly. "He couldn't've missed Buck declining like this. It'd be impossible."

"You did."

Chim nodded, taking the rebuke for what it was. "I'm not his Guide," he said honestly. "Eddie is. Was supposed to be, anyway." He didn't even try to keep the contempt out of his voice. "I'm not that powerful; I'd have to be up in the kid's face to check. Like this." He lifted Buck's forearm enough to remind Bobby he was holding Buck's wrist, as well as sitting next to him. "And...he seemed fine."

Bobby nodded miserably. "Buck's really good at seeming fine."

"Yeah." Chim knew that. He knew it, and yet he'd let Buck seem fine, even after he was put on indefinite leave. Chim had trusted Buck and Eddie when he shouldn't have trusted either of them, and now look what'd happened. He automatically slid his fingers up Buck's wrist to check his pulse. It was still racing. "Eddie should've known, though. If he was being his Guide, there's no way he couldn't've known."

"I'm going to talk to him, find out what the hell went wrong. Why he abandoned his Sentinel like this, then lied to me about it." Bobby said it with the kind of flinty decisiveness that almost made Chim feel sorry for Eddie. Almost. "I refuse to believe Eddie would just let Buck...let him sicken like this. They're best friends. This has to be some kind of mistake."

"And if it isn't?"

The look Bobby gave Buck had the same agonized fondness of a parent terrified for their child. "Then we'll find Buck another Guide, and Eddie will be appropriately disciplined."

Yeah, no. Chim was damn glad he wasn't Eddie right then. He also thought maybe Eddie wasn't the right Guide for Buck. Or any Sentinel at all, considering the fallout of his frankly astonishing negligence was drooling on Chim's shoulder. He just hoped Buck had enough time for them to find him someone else.

He didn't say that out loud, though. Because their shift had been shitty enough and Bobby really didn't need to hear it. "Eddie did tell Hen he was working with two newbie Guides," he told his captain instead. "Maybe one of them always wanted to be a firefighter."

Chapter Text

Eddie was enough of an adult to admit, once the toddler was safe from secondary drowning, it felt pretty good to have done something that impressed Lena for once. And Eddie could also admit he'd felt smug as hell he could keep right on impeding her wrecking-ball search for her captain, since he was helping with the patients.

He was grinning to himself while he washed his face and hands in the staff bathroom. He was imagining telling the story to Buck and wondering if he should call him again, when his phone rang.

Eddie cursed while he fumbled his waterproof carrier open and dragged the phone out with wet hands, but he managed not to drop it. The screen said NO CALLER ID.

Probably a cop, then. He'd occasionally had calls from cops about a scene he'd been at, and there was always no caller ID. Maybe the boat he'd helped rescue that couple and their kid from had been stolen or something.

He thumbed the screen to answer and put it to his ear. "Diaz."

"This is JARVIS. Personal assistant to Guide Tony Stark, and Media Relations Manager for the Avengers," came immediately in a crisp British accent. "Am I speaking to Guide Edmundo Diaz?"

"Yeah," Eddie said slowly, baffled and more than a little wary. "What's going on?"

"I am calling to deliver a message from your son, Christopher," Jarvis said, and immediately Eddie's stomach filled with lead. "Please know he is absolutely safe, and on his way to meet you."

The first part sounded so much like a movie kidnapping threat, it took a second for Eddie to switch gears from terror to cautious relief. Then he shot right back to terror when Christopher meeting him at the hospital hit him like a gut-punch. There was "safe", and then there was "uninjured". They weren't always mutually exclusive. "Christopher's coming here? Is he all right? Where's Buck? Evan Buckley," he corrected himself.

"I assure you, your son is completely safe and unharmed," Jarvis said. "He has been travelling with other tsunami refugees, all of whom require assistance. I dispatched a vehicle to fetch him approximately half an hour ago. He recorded a message for you, so you would not experience undue concern. Would you like to hear it?"

Eddie swallowed. "Yeah," he said, voice thick. That no undue concern ship had definitely sailed.

But, part of what Jarvis had told him didn't make sense. "Wait! Wait," Eddie cut in before the recording could start. "You said he was with people who'd been in the tsunami. That can't be right. They went to the movies. Where's Buck? I mean, Evan Buckley. He was looking after Christopher. I need to talk to him."

There was a brief, hesitant silence that turned the lead in Eddie's stomach to ice. "My understanding is Christopher Diaz and Sentinel Buckley were indeed caught in the tsunami, Guide Diaz. And Sentinel Buckley is currently missing. My apologies, I was not informed you were unaware of this."

"The tsunami?" Eddie breathed, "they were caught in the tsunami?" He wasn't panicking. He didn't panic. Except, Christopher had been there when the water hit and Eddie hadn't known. And Buck was supposed to be safe. Just like Christopher. They were supposed to be safe. But they'd been in a tsunami and Buck was missing. And God, Eddie had left a fucking phone message. He'd assumed Buck hadn't answered because of a movie. But he was drowning. Buck had been drowning.

Eddie clung to the sink, clutching his phone. Sweat stung his lips, mixing with the tears in his eyes. "Chris…my baby's safe?"

"Yes. I assure you," Jarvis said gently. "Christopher Diaz is uninjured and on his way to the VA hospital."

Eddie tipped forward until his crown met the mirror above the sink, forcing himself to take long, even breaths. His mind careened between joyous relief and wretched, grieving fear. "Did…did Buck drown?"

It was a useless question to ask. Jarvis had said Buck was missing, not dead. Even if that only meant Buck's body hadn't been found yet. So when Jarvis answered, "I do not believe so, Guide Diaz," Eddie's head snapped up in astonishment. "I was told he left the refugee group he was travelling with, not that he had been lost in the tsunami itself."

Eddie's reflection was like wreckage, lit by a dim glimmer of hope. "Is he okay?"

There was another terrible silence. "It might be helpful for you to hear your son's message," Jarvis said finally.

Jesus Christ. The hope shattered into terror. "Okay," Eddie whispered.

Despite everything, he couldn't help smiling to hear his son's voice. Christopher's enthusiasm about meeting two Avengers was loud enough to make Eddie's ears ring. And he was so excited when he told his dad how Buck had saved him and at least a hundred other people. And then how Clara had helped Buck save Christopher a second time when he fell off the truck into the water.

And then he told Eddie how sick Buck was, his enthusiasm dying completely. And how worried he was about him, especially when Buck had run away and left Christopher behind. He wanted his dad to find him and take him to the hospital so he'd be okay.

Christopher told Eddie he loved him and he'd see him soon and the recording ended.

"Why is my son saying Buck is sick?" he asked, fighting not to snarl at the imperturbably calm voice on the end of the line.

"I'm afraid Sentinel Buckley is currently experiencing bond deprivation."

Eddie frowned. That sounded really bad, but he'd never heard of it. "What's 'bond deprivation'?"

Almost instantly his phone sounded with a parade of text messages. "Those articles will offer a more detailed explanation," Jarvis said. "But in essence, it refers to the systemic breakdown of a Sentinel's neurological functioning, due to prolonged absence of a bond."

"'Breakdown of neurological function'—what?" Eddie asked disbelievingly. "No. Come on. That can't be real. Nobody's ever told me about that."

"I'm afraid it is quite real," Jarvis said, with the air of someone trying to gently break horrible news. "It is true it isn't commonly discussed, however. Primarily because of its extreme rarity."

"But…Buck's had Guides," Eddie protested. "He's not like that Avengers guy…he can bond with anybody! He's had surface bonds. He's not…he wasn't deprived." His voice had gone quiet as he spoke, unconsciously cowed by Jarvis' sympathetic silence. "It hasn't been that long."

"I can only relate what was conveyed to me, Guide Diaz," Jarvis said with that same awful gentleness. "Guide Williams had also been travelling with Sentinel Buckley and your son, and she expressed a great deal of concern for his wellbeing. I can replay her words, if you'd like?"

"Yeah, sure," Eddie said faintly. He listened as a female Guide he didn't know nearly broke down as she described Buck to Jarvis, then all but begged for someone to find him. Guide Williams, whoever she was, was absolutely terrified. For Buck, who was lost and alone without shields or control of his senses. And probably dying. It wasn't like Eddie didn't know what "late stages" meant.

"I don't understand," he said, reeling. "He was fine. I saw him this morning. I dropped my kid off with him. He was fine!"

He was shouting at a stranger over the phone, but Jarvis seemed to take it with the same composure as he'd taken everything else. "I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, Guide Diaz. It is possible Sentinel Buckley was minimizing his symptoms."

"Oh, God," Eddie breathed. Because yes. Of course. Buck hid anything that made him feel vulnerable. From everybody. And why would he reveal another weakness to a Guide who'd already benched him for one? A Guide he didn't even want? "What fixes it?" Something had to fix it; there had to be a way to save him.

"Sentinel Buckley should be restored to health if he's able to fully bond with a Guide," Jarvis said.

Eddie's eyes shot wide open. "That's it? He just needs a full bond?"

"According to the literature, yes," Jarvis said.

"Okay." Eddie wiped new sweat off his forehead. "Okay. Great. Thanks." He could do that. He could bond with Buck if it would save his life. Hell, he'd wanted to bond with him anyway. His heart was pounding again, but that was okay. He could handle being afraid. If it kept Buck alive he'd handle anything.

"I have sent out inquiries with Sentinel Buckley's description to all the emergency refugee camps and hospitals taking tsunami victims," Jarvis said. "I would be happy to inform you when he's found."

Eddie blinked, startled at the incredible kindness. "Thank you. I really appreciate this. I got to go." He hung up and put the phone in his pocket. His hands were shaking. He turned the cold water tap on full and splashed his face.

He needed to get out of the damn bathroom and finish his shift. But he also needed a second just to get his head back in the game. If he went out there with his hands shaking and his mind wherever Buck was, he was going to do a lot more harm than good. He was already a bad Guide, the last thing he wanted was to be a bad paramedic too.

Check that: he was a terrible Guide. He'd had no idea bond deprivation was a thing, let alone noticed his Sentinel was dying from it.

He was going to have to tell his captain.

Eddie went still with one hand on the tap, then very deliberately turned it off. He carefully dried his hands then used the hand sanitizer someone had left on the edge of the sink.

He had to tell Bobby. Bobby could mobilize the resources to search for Buck. And Buck was basically their captain's family; Eddie had no right to keep this from him. He should never have kept the lack of a bond secret in the first place. He hadn't known about bond deprivation then, but that was no excuse. He'd never had an excuse, no matter his reasons. And now Buck might be dying because of the lie.

Eddie took a breath, pulled his phone back out of his pocket and called Bobby's number. Each ring sounded like his world crashing down around him. Once Bobby knew, it'd be over. He'd be disciplined, likely transferred or worse. And Buck would get a new Guide. Even if they stayed friends, Eddie would lose him forever.

He'd live with it, whatever happened. As long as Buck lived too.

But there was no answer. The phone went to messages.

"Cap, this is Diaz," Eddie said evenly. "Call me when you can. It's important. It's about Buck."

He hung up. The icy chunks in his stomach churned painfully with relief and dread. He'd done it. Whatever happened now would happen.

Eddie took a couple deep breaths. He would go back out there and help until Christopher and the group with him arrived. Then he'd talk to Guide Williams. Hopefully she could at least give him a place to start looking, if nothing else. He'd have to find someone who could watch Christopher tonight, but—

Later. He would worry about that later. Right now he had work to do.

He put his phone away, took a few more deep breaths, and made sure his hands were steady before he finally left the bathroom. There were people waiting who needed his help.

Lena had probably torn up the entire hospital in her search for her captain by now. Eddie couldn't find the energy to care. He had bigger things to worry about.

There had been some surprising bright spots in this otherwise awful, unending day. Not drowning was certainly one. Meeting Buck, Christopher, and then the four teenagers was another. And Clara hadn't used her Guide abilities in any meaningful way since Danny had brought home a feral Bucky Barnes in 2014. She hadn't realized exactly how much she'd missed it. Especially helping Sentinels.

Getting giant bearhugs from two Avengers in front of five awestruck kids was a bright spot too. Even if Clint and Jim were in their utilitarian SHIELD uniforms and not their flashy Avengers costumes. Nothing like having a bit of street cred with the Gen-Zees.

She'd listened with a tiny smile as Clint told them the car was his territory, and any Sentinel so much as growling would be turfed out at high speed—his own included. Jim had just laughed and reminded Clint he was the driver.

All the same, Julie and especially Bobby had been noticeably polite and quiet. Though Bobby's lips had twitched a little bit when Jim offered to take Christopher into the vehicle for him. He'd allowed it, if only because Christopher had been over the moon to be carried by an Avenger. Then Jim had tossed Christopher in the air, and Bobby had full-on snarled in warning.

"Really?" Clint had said to Jim, "really? Why don't you flip the kid around some more in front of his agitated Sentinel? I'd love to cap today off with a fuckin' brawl."

Jim had muttered an apology and handed Christopher back.

Now they were in some giant, black Humvee thing that would have looked conspicuous in a warzone, while Jim plowed through debris and pools of water like they were off-road racing. The vehicle was large enough to have three sets of three seats on either side, like in an airplane. Clara couldn't help wondering where on Earth it could find a parking space.

Willie was stretched out across three seats with his hand over his ribs. Clint had given him painkillers, but he still looked miserably uncomfortable.

Luke and Julie were leaning tiredly against each other, holding hands. Julie had her back to Luke's good shoulder, with her hurt ankle stretched out and wrapped in a tensor bandage. Her shields were still thick and strong, and she seemed in control of her senses. Clint would need to help her if that changed, but Clara was optimistic it wouldn't.

Bobby was sitting up with Christopher in his lap. His head was resting against the window as he stared out into the darkness. Waiting to see his Guide.

Clara was sitting next to him. She was too anxious about Buck to sleep. She also wanted to be alert, in case the stresses of anticipation and sharing space with yet another strange Sentinel became too much for Bobby to deal with. If Bobby went feral Clint would have to handle it too, because Clara was running on fumes. But she was still able to monitor Bobby's shields and sensory levels, even if she couldn't do anything about them.

Bobby nodded when she asked quietly if she could touch him and make sure he was doing all right. And his shields were good; so were his sense levels. But Clara left her hand on his wrist, giving the small comfort of the contact to both of them.

"Clara?" Christopher asked.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

He was looking up at her with big, solemn eyes. "Buck and my dad aren't really bonded, are they?"

Clara exchanged a brief, unhappy glance with Bobby. "What makes you say that?" she asked as neutrally as possible. She refused to lie to him, but that didn't mean she had to immediately break his heart.

Christopher shrugged. "Bobby said Buck needed a Guide, before." Clara grimaced inwardly. She'd thought Christopher had been asleep during that conversation. "And, he's really sick. Sentinels aren't supposed to get sick, right?"

"Sentinels can get sick," Bobby said.

"But, not as sick as Buck is. Not if they're bonded," Clara filled in for Christopher, who nodded. She took a breath. "I'm going to tell you the truth, because it sounds like you already figured it out. You're right, Buck and your dad aren't bonded. Not even a surface bond. They didn't want to tell you because they knew it'd make you sad."

Christopher's eyes welled, just as sad as predicted. "Why didn't they bond?"

Clara hesitated, wondering how much of what Buck told her she should tell him. "I think that's something you need to ask them," she decided on finally. "I really think it's something the three of you need to talk about. Because I know Buck wants to bond with your daddy very, very much. And I think your daddy wants to bond with him too. But something went wrong and they need to talk about it."

"Just yell and scream and stomp around until they promise to talk to each other," Bobby said. His mouth curved in a small, melancholy smile. "It always worked for my sister."

Christopher giggled. "That's bad!"

"Sometimes you gotta do bad things to do good things," Bobby said with casual wisdom.

"Bobby's right," Clara said, offering him a small smile of her own. "Like when he broke into those stores today, to get everyone things they needed to be safer. That said…" She chuckled tiredly. "I don't actually recommend stomping around and screaming. Grownups don't generally respond well to that. But you can certainly insist. A lot."

"A lot, a lot," Bobby said.

"A lot a lot a lot!" Christopher said, grinning, but it faded almost instantly. "Is Buck gonna die?"

"No," Bobby said it before she could. He was almost snarling, as if the possibility of Buck dying was a threat he refused to tolerate. "Once everyone's safe, me an' Reggie—he's my Guide—are going to go look for him. We're gonna bring him back to your dad so they can bond, and that'll make him better. All right?"

Bobby needed rest far more than he needed to be searching for anybody, and Clara was certain his Guide did too. But it was so kind of him, to not just offer his help but state it like a given, she leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you, Sentinel," she said quietly. She might try to dissuade him later, if that would even be worth the effort. But now wasn't the time to discourage a young Sentinel when he was being so fiercely and sweetly protective. Bobby would be a magnificent Sentinel too.

He didn't answer, but he smiled, looking so self-satisfied she couldn't help the tiny snort of laughter. Bobby reminded her so much of Steve McGarrett it was funny.

Bobby heard her and frowned, looking confused and maybe a little hurt. "Why're you laughing?"

She squeezed his wrist gently. "Not for anything bad, I promise. I was just thinking you have a lot in common with a Sentinel I know. All good things," she added, to make sure he understood. Because that was absolutely true.

"Cool," Bobby said, all teen nonchalance, but his smile said everything.

"We're almost at the field hospital," Hen said over the radio. "When we get there, I'll drive to the S-G tent so you can unload Buck."

"Copy that." Bobby Nash fumbled his radio off while trying to keep Buck's dead weight from crushing him, then went for another sternum rub. Chim winced inwardly on behalf of Buck's abused ribcage. "Buck. You need to wake up, son. We're almost there."

Buck batted at Bobby's hand like a tired kitten, missing by a mile before his hand flopped back to his thigh. Chim had rarely been so grateful for Buck's stubbornness, because at least it meant he was still with them.

All the same, if he was going to bond with someone, he really needed to be conscious for it.

Bobby tried the sternal rub again, then made a face and gave up, patting Buck's chest as if in apology. "You'll have to wake him."

"Sure thing, boss," Chim said, but he didn't. "What's the gameplan?" he asked instead. "Cause even if I can wake him, Buck's firing on maybe one and a half cylinders right now. I'm not sure he's compos mentis enough to actually consent to a bond."

"He was answering questions coherently before," Bobby said. "You'll just have to make sure he understands what's happening."

"Yeah. Thanks. No pressure." Chim scrubbed his face. "And what if he doesn't?"

Bobby's eyes narrowed. "What's the alternative, Chim? Letting him die?"

"No," Chim said immediately. "But, what if he bonds with someone terrible? Buck can literally bond with anyone, right? That makes him vulnerable as hell already. And right now he's—"

"Right now he's dying," Bobby spat. "We can try a surface bond first. Those aren't permanent."

"A surface bond might not work at this point," Chim said. He hadn't even been considering it.

Bobby grimaced. "Then, there are ways to…ease Sentinels out of a bond, right?" Chim nodded reluctantly. "So, we'll do that, if it comes to it," Bobby said with confidence Chim was sure he didn't feel. "There's always hope if Buck's alive. But, he has to be alive." Bobby's eyes went liquid before he ruthlessly blinked it away. "I'll accept full responsibility for the outcome, whatever it is. I don't care. Our priority is his survival."

Chim still had his hand around Buck's wrist, keeping his shields intact. He realized he was unconsciously chafing the cold skin. "What if that newbie Guide's another Doug, though? That's not survival, that's…"

He was working up the courage to say, "That's condemning him to hell," because Maddie had married that fucker and Chim couldn't stand thinking about it. But Bobby cut him off.

"Doug was a psychopath," he snapped, as if a label would somehow guarantee Buck's safety. "Buck needs a Guide and we will find him one. End of story. The gameplan is, you and Hen take Buck and find out if the new Guide Eddie talked about is in any way compatible. Don't force them, but…" His face set like it did when he knew he might not make it out of a scene alive, but was going in anyway. "Make sure they understand the urgency. I'll drive the other passengers back to the main part of the hospital and then find Eddie. Maybe…" He pulled in a deep breath. "Maybe we can figure this out. Even if Eddie doesn't want a bond with Buck…he can't be willing to let him die."

"Of course not." That, at least, was a given. Eddie loved Buck like a brother, if nothing more. And they already made a great team. He was the most logical choice.

Chim just couldn't imagine him being the right choice, though. Not anymore.

Hen banged on the cargo door then slid it open, startling the hell out of them both. Chim hadn't even realized they'd stopped. And Buck was still slumped on Bobby, dead to the world. Not to mention all the other passengers still waiting to get out, all awkwardly pretending they hadn't heard the entire conversation.

Chim had a brief, hopeless fantasy of some beautiful person raising their hand and announcing: "I'm a Guide, I was first in my class at the fire academy, and that sweaty, filthy lump of a Sentinel you're propping up is hot as hell." Nope. No such luck.

"Hang on." Chim wriggled through Buck's shields one more time and poked him.

Buck gasped awake.

"It's okay. It's okay. We're at the VA hospital, that's all. You're safe," Bobby said. "Hen and Chim are here, and they're going to help you, okay? You with me, Buck?"

Buck's head turned jerkily, his wild eyes finally fastening on Bobby. "Where are we? Where's Christopher?" He looked around again, eyes darting and his breathing edging into panic. "Christopher! Christopher!"

"Buck. Buck, look at me." Hen wasn't a Guide, but she had the same S-G training they all did. And she definitely had Mom Authority down pat. Buck's attention fixed on her immediately. "Christopher is safe." Hen glanced at Chim, eyes pleading, then let out a tiny breath when Chim nodded. "He's safe. We need to look after you right now. Bobby and Chim are going to get you out of there, and then we're going to help you. Do you understand?"

Buck nodded unsteadily, still panting. "Christopher's okay?"

"Yes." Hen nodded exaggeratedly, face very grave like she was speaking to a toddler. Buck's mental capacity probably wasn't that far off right now. "Christopher is okay. We need to help you. We're going to get you out of the truck now. Do you understand?"

Buck's nod was vaguer than Chim would've liked, but he'd take it.

"Awesome," Chim said jovially. "Bobby's gonna help you stand up, okay? Now we're just going to scooch…"

Getting Buck out of the mail truck was only marginally less awkward than getting him into it, but eventually he and Hen had Buck's overly-long, lanky self not-entirely dragging between them. He wasn't coordinated enough to really walk, but Hen had cleverly parked the truck just about at the tent flap, so they didn't have far to go.

Just a few steps and maybe the rest of Buck's life, however long that turned out to be.

Chapter Text

"Okay, try this one. What am I feeling?"

Alex imagined opening the door of his diamond-brick shield fortress just a tiny crack again, the way Reggie had taught him. Then he figured out which emotion he was meant to pick up. Reggie had suggested Eddie's fair carousel for that, but Alex kept imagining an airport baggage carousel instead. He watched the luggage going around and around in his mind 'til he saw a really big, red suitcase. He poked his arm through the small opening he'd made and touched it. He grinned. "You're excited."

"Yes!" There was a pause. "I'm holding my hand up for a high-five. Don't leave me hanging."

Alex opened his eyes, laughing as he dutifully high-fived his friend. They were facing each other on one of the beds in the S-G tent, Reggie sitting cross-legged and Alex with his injured leg stretched out. They were waiting for Reggie's Sentinel to arrive. To pass the time, Reggie had the cool idea to start teaching Alex what little Guide stuff he knew.

Alex had been happy to try, and not just because his parents would never allow him official training. Then again, he didn't even know if they'd let him stay in their house anymore. He didn't think he could pretend he was normal like he'd pretended to be straight.

Honestly, though, he was sick to the teeth of pretending. Part of him was heartbroken, but the rest of him just didn't care anymore. He was sure Bobby's or Julie's dad would let him stay with them 'til he could get his own place. Or maybe he'd move in with Willie, who'd been hinting about it. That felt like a huge step, and kind of scary, even. But Alex loved Willie, and…

And maybe it wouldn't even matter, because Willie was dead. And maybe Julie and Luke were dead too.

"Whoa." Reggie blinked, his happy expression melting into miserable concern. "I'm scared about our friends too," he said. "But, they might be okay, right? Just like we are? So, don't grieve for them yet. Okay? Not…not when you don't know."

Alex nodded, swallowing. He pulled his shield-door shut then locked it for good measure. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize." Reggie reached across them and squeezed the back of Alex's neck. "I don't mind sharing what you're feeling, whatever it is. You know that, right? Cause we're friends."

Alex nodded again. He smiled, though he knew it was a little watery. "Thanks. And, yeah. I do kn—"

They both turned at the sound of a truck pulling nearly right up to the tent, then a door slamming. "Is that Bobby?" Alex asked, his weighted heart lifting a little.

It crashed again when Reggie shook his head. "It's a Sentinel, but, I don't know who they are."

"How do you know they're a Sentinel?" Alex asked, but he was already opening his shield door again to find out. Not too much, but enough to let him imagine peeking outside, like a mouse poking its nose out of a burrow.

He was hit with a feeling like electric tingling, but only in his head. It wasn't painful or even unpleasant; he actually kind of liked it. It was just weird. Really, really weird.

There was another Guide, too. Alex already recognized that smooth, sun-warm glass feeling from Reggie. Though with this Guide the glass part felt more like a wineglass, not the thicker fruit-bowl feeling he got from his friend. He wondered what that meant.

But the Sentinel…

Alex slid off the bed and was limping towards the tent entrance before he even realized it. The Sentinel was…it was awful. They felt like a stained glass window that had been smashed to bits, nothing left of the kaleidoscopic beauty but scattered fragments. "Sick," he murmured. He was absolutely sure of it.

Beside him Reggie nodded.

Alex was concentrating so hard, he jumped a little bit when two paramedics pushed their way into the tent, dragging a third person between them. They glanced up at Reggie and Alex, and the woman's eyes went huge behind her glasses. Then her face almost contorted into a cringe before she aborted it.

They were obviously going to lay their human burden down on the closest bed. Alex and Reggie went to help, but the male paramedic snapped, "No! Don't touch him!" as soon as they got close.

Alex yanked his hands back in alarm, then he and Reggie scrambled out of the way so the paramedics could get the Sentinel onto the bed. Reggie kept glancing between Alex, the Sentinel and the paramedics, as if he was trying to figure out what the problem was by sight.

Alex couldn't blame him. He was confused as hell, but he crossed his arms and tucked his hands under his armpits just to be safe. "What…what's wrong with him?"

He'd thought the Sentinel might be injured. But Alex couldn't see anything worse than some bad cuts on his face, and a red spot that might've been a bruise next to his left eye. He had a really nice face, even if it was covered in cuts and dirt. But the Sentinel looked as sick as he felt: translucently pale, with hollow cheeks and streaks of purple under his closed eyes. He was breathing way too fast, and his red shirt was dark with sweat even though he was shivering. Maybe he had a fever. Alex stepped around Reggie, reaching to put his hand on the Sentinel's forehead to check.

"No!" the male paramedic shouted again. He put his hand on Alex's chest and pushed him back. "Jesus Christ, kid! Hands off!" He looked between him and Reggie. "Which one of you is the newbie?"

Alex blinked. "Uh, I am."

"Figures," the male paramedic said. "Do not touch the Sentinel without permission, got it?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, sir."

"You, green eyes. You're fine," he said to Reggie. "Just, keep your buddy out of arm's reach 'til I say otherwise, 'kay?"

"Yessir." Reggie wrapped his good hand around Alex's arm and tugged him back.

Alex stared at the paramedic, though his gaze kept drifting back to the Sentinel like a magnet. "What's going on? Why can't I touch him?"

"Because if you touch him, you're gonna bond with him instantly. Bing-o-Bang-o." The paramedic—his nametag said "Han"—wiped sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. He looked tired and really worried. "And since that's generally considered a life-changing event, maybe you wanna take a second to think about it."

"What? Why?" Reggie looked between Alex and the Sentinel, confusion all over his face.

The other paramedic's nametag read "Wilson". "Buck is special," she said. She sounded like it made her fond and sad at the same time. "He can bond really easily. And I'm pretty sure you two are particularly compatible anyway," she added to Alex. "Since you seem to be attracted to him."

She didn't sound happy about it, but it was hard to focus on what she was saying. Buck looked cold.

"Alex!" Reggie hissed, giving him another tug.

Alex yanked his hand back again, blushing. He swallowed. "What's wrong with him?"

"Bond deprivation," Han said flatly. "TL;DR: he's dying because he's gone too long without bonding with a Guide. Which you are. So, you know, you can save his life. If you want."

"Chimney!" Wilson hissed, glaring at him.

"What?" Chimney—Chimney?—spread his hands, looking bewildered. "This kid can save him, Hen! And he's obviously into it—you just said so! What's the problem?"

"The problem is, he's a kid!" Hen snapped.

That didn't seem like a problem at all, compared to Buck dying. Alex ripped his attention away from the beautiful Sentinel to stare at the paramedics. "He's dying?"

"Yeah." Chimney nodded, eyes bleak. "I'm not kidding. You can feel it too, can't you? Under the shields? Just…poke 'em a little bit. Here, I'll make a hole for you. Just, don't touch."

"Alex, maybe you shouldn't…" Reggie said.

Alex ignored him. He opened his diamond shield door again, wide enough to almost step all the way through. Then he imagined reaching out to gently prod at the shimmery, translucent orange wall in front of him. A little hole appeared, and he stretched it wider with both hands and looked through.

Alex gasped, horrified and heartbroken. Buck was so cold. Alex could feel it, like icy wind on his face. And the light Alex knew should have blazed like the sun was dim and cool, like a dying fire on a pitiless winter night. The landscape of Buck's mind was dark, cold and nearly barren; a desert losing all trace of life.

Alex gently closed the hole he'd made, then stalked back into his house and slammed the door behind him.

He was back in the tent. "Let me help," he pleaded. "Please. I'll do it. Let me help."

"Really?" Chimney's expression lit up with hope, but then he seemed to check himself. "That's great, but, you gotta be sure about this, kid. Once you're in, you're in. There's no going back."

Reggie grabbed Alex's arm again. "Alex." His eyes were huge with worry. "What about the band? What about Willie? You don't even know this guy!"

That drew Alex up short. What about Willie? He loved Willie more than anything, but he hadn't even thought about him. And the band was his life. What was wrong with him? He took a step back, nearly colliding with Reggie. He swallowed. "I have a boyfriend."

"Bonds can be platonic!" Chimney said.

"Buck didn't want a platonic bond," Hen said to him. "Chim, we can't do this. He's a teenager. Look at him!"

"C'mon. He's like, twenty. And he wants it!" Chimney turned to Alex. "You want it, don't you? You can barely keep your hands off of him."

Alex nodded distantly. He did. He did so badly. But, he wanted Willie too. He wanted Willie with him all the time, always. And, he didn't think…no, he knew this wouldn't be a platonic bond. He was pulled to this Sentinel like a line hooked in his soul. He didn't want to betray Willie like that.

Even if Willie had… Even if he wasn't there anymore. Alex didn't want to betray him.

"That's biological, not personal," Hen said. "Infatuation doesn't mean they're meant for each other! He's not even out of high school!"

"Of course he is!" Chimney snapped, glaring at her. He looked at Alex again. "You're at least 18, right? How old are you?"

"Um." Alex glanced at Buck. He couldn't help it. "I'm almost seventeen?"

"Wait. You're what?" Chimney stared, then sagged, letting his head fall forward. He slapped his palm over his face. "Fuck. Fucking hell." He dragged his hand down and looked at Alex again. "Please tell me you've at least considered becoming a firefighter."

Alex shook his head, heart sinking like he'd done something terrible. "I've always wanted to be in a band. I'm sorry."

"You haven't done anything wrong, Alex," Hen said. Her voice was so kind and her eyes were so sad Alex kind of wanted to cry anyway. "But we can't ask you to bond with Buck. He's twelve years older than you are. And your lives are too different. It wouldn't be fair to either of you."

"And Buck dying is fair?" Chim exploded. He looked away, breathing harshly through his teeth for a moment. "We can make it work," he said desperately to Hen. "I know we can. Maddie does her own thing every day, right? I'm at the firehouse, she's at the call center…It's fine. So, so Alex and Buck can be like that too. It'll be great. And Buck…Buck can get time off when the kid's band goes on tour. We can make it work!"

"Chimney." Hen's voice was as sad as her eyes, but somehow still stopped him cold. "He's a child. He's a minor in love with someone else. We can't do this. We're not going to do it."

"What about a surface bond?" The hope in Chimney's voice hurt. "That's…that's probably better anyway. Give them both a chance to really think about it."

"Chimney," Hen said again.

"Just until we find someone else?" Chimney said.

"What's a 'surface bond'?" Alex asked.

"Chimney. Stop," Hen said.

"Buck's gonna die, Hen." Chimney's voice cracked, his eyes filling with tears.

Hen wrapped both her hands around his, held tight. "I know. I know he is. But he's not dead yet. He's still here. And we have enough time for the captain to find Eddie before we ruin two peoples' lives."

"Eddie doesn't even want him!"

Alex stared at Chimney in shock. How could that even be possible? Alex and Buck hadn't even met, and Alex wanted him desperately. He just knew he shouldn't.

"Maybe he doesn't," Hen said evenly. She looked close to tears herself. "But, that doesn't change anything. We can't do this, Chim. You know we can't."

Alex's hands curled into fists, his guts churning in a painful mix of relief and sick disappointment. "I'm sorry," he said again.

Chimney shook his head, then pulled his hands out of Hen's to wipe his eyes. "No. No, Hen's right." He drew a deep breath and put his shoulders back. "Sorry, kid. I just…He's my family, you know? He's my pack."

"Eddie's Buck's pack too," Hen told Chimney. "I'm sure he can save him."

"Hey, do you mean Eddie who's a Guide?" Reggie asked. "He was here, before. He helped us."

"I know," Hen said. She gave them both a pale flash of a smile. "Hopefully he can help Buck too."

"Yeah," Alex whispered. He was still watching Buck, completely unable not to. So he saw it when his eyes slid open.

They were fantastically blue and clouded with pain and confusion. He looked around, then began struggling to get up. "Hen," he gasped, reaching for her. "What-what's happening? I don't…"

"Uh-oh." Chimney helped Buck sit up before he struggled right off the bed. Hen pressed a button and the back tilted up, so Buck could rest against it.

Reggie moved to help again, but stepped farther back when Buck's eyes fastened on him and Alex, then widened in fear. "Where am I?"

"At a field hospital," Hen said. She started carding her fingers through his hair. "You're safe. It's all right. We're in the Sentinel-Guide tent, waiting for Eddie."

"Eddie? Is he okay?"

"Yes, Eddie's okay," Chimney said. "He's just fine. Cap went to get him, that's all. It's a big hospital."

"He's fine?" Buck parroted, like he didn't understand. "But…he-he doesn't know…" He sucked in a breath. "Christopher!" He began struggling in earnest, trying to swing his legs over the side of the bed so he could stand.

"Christopher's safe!" Chimney said, trying to keep Buck from falling over. "He's safe. He's with your Bobby, remember? Sentinel Bobby with the porcupine?"

Reggie squeezed Alex's arm. "Oh my God," he whispered to him, "that's my Bobby!"

Buck shook his head. "He fell in the water. He's in the water! I have to find him." His expression went vague, eyes moving like he was searching for a memory. "Clara!" He looked desperately at the paramedics. "I need Clara. I have to find Christopher."

"Buck. Buck, look at me. Look at me, Buck. Look at me." Chimney put his hands on the sides of Buck's head. Buck flinched, but then obediently looked at him. "Christopher is safe. He is with Sentinel Bobby and Clara and they're bringing him here. Do you understand?"

"He fell off the ladder truck," Buck said, plaintive. "Please. Please help me find him."

Hen walked quickly to the far end of the tent, and turned away from them. Alex thought she was talking to someone over her radio. Maybe Eddie.

"Buck! No. Don't do that." Chimney still had his hands on the sides of Buck's head, but Buck's eyes were closed in concentration. "Dial it down, Buck. Come on, dial down before you spike. Christopher's fine. He's just not here yet. You're gonna—"

Buck's eyes snapped open. "Christopher!" He sounded like he was growling. Then he shoved Chimney so hard the other man grunted and staggered back. And then Buck bolted out of the tent.

"Shit!" Chim looked grimly to Hen, who'd spun around in alarm. "He was dialed up to fucking eleven, and I think he's feral. We've gotta get him back here."

"Oh, damn," she said, just as grim. They ran out too.

Alex blinked at the empty bed where the Sentinel had been. He felt a bit like he'd been slammed around in a car wreck. There were tears in his eyes but he wasn't even sure why.

Beside him, Reggie gasped. "Bobby," he whispered reverently, then looked at Alex. "Alex, Bobby's here!" He beamed, them moved to leave, only to stop and turn back. "Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, clearing his eyes with messy swipes of his hands. "Yeah. I'm good." He managed a watery smile. "Go get your Sentinel."

Reggie crossed the two steps between them, then yanked his arm out of the sling and hugged Alex fiercely. "It's going to be okay."

"Doesn't feel like it," Alex rasped. Without Buck's presence like a lantern for a moth, the magnitude of what he'd almost done made it hard to breathe. "I would've bonded to him." He dimly realized he was shaking. "I would've ruined my whole life and I didn't even care. I forgot about Willie. What the fuck's wrong with me?"

"Nothing." Reggie said it so easily Alex blinked. "Nothing's wrong with you. You came online, like, two hours ago, right? You're like, a little baby kitten Guide. A kitten Guide who hadn't even met an unbonded Sentinel before. And then those paramedics practically shoved one in your face like…like catnip! Guide catnip! And the Mom one, Hen, she even said he was, like, extra-special bondable, right? And you're a Guide kitten! How were you supposed to resist that? Plus, he's really hot."

Alex laughed wetly, then sniffed again, pulling far enough back to see Reggie's face. "She said we were really compatible, though. What if…what if he was supposed to be mine?" He swallowed. "What if he dies cause I didn't bond with him?" He glanced at the open flap of the tent, but all he could see outside was grass, grey under the artificial light. "Maybe I should go after him."

"No." Reggie said forcefully. "You're sixteen and he's Guide catnip, remember? I don't want him to die either, but I really don't think it should be you, you know? They're going to take care of him," he went on with absolute confidence. "Even if that means they drag him back here and you bond with him for real." His mouth twitched like he hated that idea. Alex did too, though he also really, really wanted it. It was kind of all twisted up in his head. "But, most Guides are compatible with a lot of Sentinels, Alex. I don't think your true Sentinel is a twenty-eight year old firefighter. Even if he is really hot."

Reggie was trying to lighten the mood, but Alex couldn't find another smile. "What if Willie's dead? What if everyone except Bobby is?"

"I don't know," Reggie said. "I've been thinking about that all day, how we only know for sure Bobby's okay. And…I don't know. I don't know what we do then. But, we have Bobby, and we have each other still, right? I guess…" He took a breath, and his eyes glistened. "I guess we'll start with that."

Alex nodded. "Thanks, Reg."

Reggie grinned, almost like his usual self. "No problem." He stepped back farther, so he was just holding Alex's arm in his good hand. "You sure you're okay?"

Alex nodded again. "Yeah." This time he could smile for him. "Go get your Sentinel."

"Let's both go get him," Reggie said. "I'm pretty sure Buck was going that way anyway. You know, just in case." He still looked unhappy about that, and Alex still didn't really know what he felt, but he appreciated how Reggie understood. They both knew Alex wouldn't let Buck die, no matter what that meant. Because Reggie wouldn't have either.

Reggie tugged the sling off and dropped it on the nearest bed, then grabbed Alex's hand and pulled him out of the tent. And nearly ran smack into the side of a horse.

"Annabelle!" Reggie let Alex go to fling his arms around the dappled grey mare's neck.

Annabelle curved her head down and touched her jaw to his back, returning the hug. The mare was ridiculously pretty. Then she stepped lightly out of Reggie's embrace and bent in a low bow, with one front leg and her neck stretched out.

"Thanks, Annabelle!" Reggie climbed onto her back, smooth as a cowboy even with the one arm. "Come on, Alex!"

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Sure." Alex was little surprised the mare hadn't moved. She'd carried them both out of the water and all the way here, but she wasn't Alex's spirit animal. He figured there were boundaries.

Maybe not tonight. Alex swung onto the horse's back behind Reggie, wincing when he remembered the stitches in his leg. Annabelle pushed herself to her feet. Reggie grabbed a hunk of her mane and Alex wrapped his arms around Reggie's waist, and then Annabelle pranced into a quick walk towards the main part of the hospital.

"Your spirit animal's so much better than Rufus," Alex said.

"Rufus is a great spirit animal!" Reggie protested loyally. "Right, Annabelle? Isn't Rufus awesome?"

The horse tossed her head.

"See?" Reggie said smugly, "she agrees with me."

"I don't think she's agreeing with you," Alex said.

Chapter Text

Lena Bosko ended up following Eddie around while he helped with the non-critical patients. Eddie didn't mind, since it kept her from getting in trouble and talking to her kept him from spiraling. It really didn't help that Eddie was so worried about Buck, his own shields kept thinning. Feeling the surface emotions of anyone he got near was like random little splashes of ice water when his guts were already frozen solid.

And, yeah, now that Alex had pointed it out? Masonry bricks were fucking complicated. What the hell had the Army been thinking?

Eddie finished with the kid with the sprained arm, had yet another conversation about Lena being awesome at everything, and then checked the time on his phone before he went to the next tent. There was a message from a Wilson, only it was a Carrie Wilson-Shaw, not Hen. The name "Carrie" struck a vaguely familiar bell, though. Maybe one of Hen's relatives was looking for her?

He was about to find out what this Carrie person wanted, only to catch a glimpse of…was that Athena? She was helping a nurse push a gurney with what looked like a first responder on it. The man was missing most of his left arm.

"Coop!" Lena shouted, and galloped out after them.

Well, that solved one problem, Eddie thought just a little bit hysterically. Bobby hadn't called him back. Eddie had been so busy he'd even forgotten about it. But Athena was right there, and she had resources too. And she considered Buck as much a part of her family as Bobby did.

Telling Athena how he'd fucked up and lied about it would be worse than telling Bobby, though. So much worse. Eddie didn't know her nearly as well as his captain, but he was familiar enough to know how much Athena hated liars. And she was far less forgiving.

Of course, whatever happened, he would deserve it.

He put his shoulders back and strode out of the tent like a solider, in the direction he'd seen her go. Just in time for his radio to sound for an open channel. "Firefighter Diaz, copy."

Bobby. Eddie's heartbeat hit the stratosphere. He smacked his radio hard enough to hurt his chest before he clicked it on. "Copy," he said, trying to keep his voice even.

"This is Captain Nash. What's your location? Over."

Eddie jogged the few steps back to the front of the tent, head turning as he searched for his captain. "I'm outside the minor injuries tent." There was a mail truck in the distance, and he thought he recognized John helping out ambulatory patients. He started in that direction. "Are you in the mail truck?"

"Yes. Almost at your location. Hang tight. Nash over and out."

A second mail truck pulled up a moment later, facing the opposite direction of the one John had been driving. Bobby got out, slammed the door behind him, then opened the back door before making a beeline for Eddie. "We need help over here!" he called to the nearest doctor, but didn't stop moving.

Eddie jogged to meet him, too tense to wait. "Bobby! Bobby, Buck's missing! And, and he's sick—"

That was as far as he got before Bobby's eyes widened, then narrowed to burning slits. He grabbed Eddie by his collar and kept walking, all but dragging the shorter man with him.

He pulled Eddie around the side of the tent, which was one of the few spaces without people wandering through it. He let Eddie go with a shove that made him stumble backwards, and he'd barely regained his balance when Bobby clamped his hand around his throat.

"You knew?" Bobby snarled. "You knew what was happening to him?"

His grip was only tight enough to hurt where his fingers and thumb were pressing up into Eddie's jaw, but Bobby looked fully prepared to throttle him. Eddie had never seen his captain this angry; had absolutely never imagined he'd be on the receiving end of it. This Bobby looked capable of murder, exactly the way Eddie would be if someone had hurt his son.

"No! No, I had no idea, I swear!" Eddie said desperately. He could have extracted himself easily. He'd learned how to fight in the Army, and he could have subdued Bobby with his abilities as a Guide. But he kept his hands raised and stayed perfectly still, the way he would if he were dealing with a feral Sentinel. He needed to get Bobby to listen; not make this worse. "I didn't know about the bond deprivation. I got a call from someone with a message from Christopher. I found out about it from him. I swear it, Cap." He had to swallow against the pressure of Bobby's hand, but still didn't move. He'd choke before this escalated because of him. "I called you as soon as I found out. I left a message."

Bobby's expression softened minutely, but he didn't move his hand. "I was busy trying to keep Buck conscious long enough to find out where your son is."

"Wait—you have him? Buck's here?" Eddie's heart convulsed in relief so profound he nearly strangled himself when his knees buckled.

Bobby tore his hand away to grab Eddie's upper arms instead. "Easy, easy." He knelt, carrying Eddie down with him to sit on the ground. He put his palm between Eddie's shoulders and pushed. "Head between your knees, deep breaths. You know the drill."

Eddie bent over and breathed until his heart stopped outrunning his lungs. He lifted his head, wiping sweat off his face with his sleeve. "Where is he? Is he in the S-G tent? I need to get to him."

He tried to climb to his feet, but Bobby pushed him back down with a hand on his shoulder. "You're not going anywhere until I get some explanation."

Eddie stared at him. "I'm his Guide!"

"No you're not!" Bobby barked. "He doesn't have a Guide! You've been lying to me for months! You didn't even know anything was wrong, did you? Did you?" He shook Eddie's shoulder when he didn't respond.

Eddie shook his head. "No," he admitted, voice hushed with shame. "I didn't know until tonight."

"I figured," Bobby sneered. "Chim said there was no way you couldn't have, if you were acting as his Guide at all. So you weren't. I'm honestly not even sure I should let you near him. He needs a real Guide, not some con artist who'd rather lie to my face than do his job! Wait." Bobby's face went slack, like he'd just had an ugly revelation. "Is that why you were so adamant about putting him back on leave? So you didn't have to guide him?"

Eddie's heart dropped like a brick and kept on sinking. "No! No, it wasn't like that! You have to believe me, Cap. I-I know, I know I didn't check on him when I should have. And I will never forgive myself. But, it wasn't like that! I did care! I care…" He swallowed, the I care so much sticking like barbs in his throat. Bobby wouldn't believe him. "I was trying to do what he wanted. But—"

"Trying to do what he wanted?" Bobby cut him off, voice shrill with incredulous fury. "He wanted a Guide! He wanted you! How could you abandon him like that? Even if you didn't want the bond, how could you abandon him? What kind of Guide does that?"

"Wait. What?" Eddie asked, bewildered. "Of course I wanted the bond. Who told you I didn't?"

"He did!" Bobby blasted him. "After we found him spiking in the goddamned street! I asked him why the hell he wasn't bonded, and he said you didn't want him!"

"He didn't want me!" Eddie shouted right back. "He was the one who broke the bond when we'd barely started! He was the one who told me he'd changed his mind! And then he refused to even talk about it! It wasn't me! I was right there! I was all in. He said, 'no'; not me."

Bobby frowned, confusion bleeding into his rage. "Then why did he say it was you? And why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie about it?" Without the anger coloring it, it was easy to hear the hurt in Bobby's voice. Eddie and Buck had betrayed him just like Eddie had betrayed his Sentinel. "I could've found him a new Guide. I could've helped him!"

"I don't know why he said it was me," Eddie said. "Maybe…" He shook his head. Speculating was useless and he was wasting time. "But I told you we had a surface bond because he asked me to. No, he begged me to. He was adamant he didn't want you to find another Guide for him."

"That doesn't make sense," Bobby said. "Why do that if he didn't want your bond?"

"I don't—"

A giant, black Humvee like the embodiment of road rage hurtled past the mail trucks. It was so close to John's, each vehicle's side mirror would've been obliterated if the Humvee wasn't so much bigger.

"Asshole!" John hollered at it.

"Whoa," Eddie said, blinking, then shook himself back to the moment. "I don't know," he said. He swallowed, took a breath. "Look. I know I fucked up. I know I…I betrayed and abandoned him and everything else you said. It's true. He didn't want to talk about what happened, but I was too much of a coward to push. And I should've told you, even if he didn't want me to. I know that. But, if I did you would've had me transferred, and." He took another breath. "And I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him. I can't leave him. I know those aren't excuses," he added quickly, "and I will take whatever discipline you see fit. I don't care. You can fire me; I don't care. I probably deserve it." Bobby opened his mouth, maybe to agree, but Eddie plowed on. "But, please. Please, Cap. Let me save him. Let me try. Maybe…maybe I can change his mind. Or at least get him to agree to an actual surface bond this time. Something. Please."

Bobby looked at him a painfully long moment, then nodded. He started climbing to his feet. "It may be too late," he said with brutal frankness, and Eddie's tentatively-lifting heart kept right on falling. "I dropped off Buck, Hen and Chimney at the S-G tent, with that new Guide you told her about."

The implication was horrifically clear. "Oh, my God. No!" Eddie scrambled to his feet. "Bobby, that kid's sixteen!"

"What?" Bobby's eyes were as painfully wide as Eddie's. "Crap."

His radio clicked on. "Captain Nash, copy."

Hen's voice. Eddie's heart slingshotted back up his body and into his throat so fast he thought he might choke on it.

"Hen, you can't let Buck bond with that Guide!" Bobby said, ignoring radio protocol in his panic. "He's a kid!"

"Yeah, we know," Hen came back, and Eddie nearly whimpered in relief. "We need Plan B. Buck's getting combative and Chim can't calm him down."

"Plan B is on the way," Bobby said.

'Plan B' was him. Eddie knew he didn't have the right to be offended by that, so he wasn't. He just started jogging through the alleys of tents, heading towards the ridiculously far S-G tent. Bobby was right behind him.

Whatever Hen was about to answer was interrupted by Buck shouting "Christopher!" in the background. Eddie was almost sure there was a feral reverb through it. And then a grunt that might've been Chim, and then Hen's radio clicked off.

"That's not good," Bobby said.

Eddie broke into a run.

"Jesus Christ! Jim, this is a fuckin' hospital!" Clint shouted as they thundered past the two mail trucks parked just beyond the main tents of the VA campus.

Clara was sure she heard someone shouting, "Asshole!" in the distance.

"I knew we weren't gonna hit," Jim said, though the giant Humvee slowed to a far more reasonable speed. He glanced over his shoulder. "Uh, you guys okay back there?"

"Yeah, great," Luke said. He and Julie were sitting straight and had buckled their seatbelts. Luckily. Luke looked a little green.

"That was awesome," Willie said, sounding a lot more like he meant it. He was sitting up as well and had also put his seatbelt on, thank God, since he would've been pitched to the floor otherwise. He'd rigged it so the shoulder belt was behind him, likely to spare his ribs. That wasn't safe, but Cara had no interest in admonishing him for it.

Bobby had put his seatbelt on when they'd got in, just like Clara. And he'd relaxed enough to put Christopher down, so now the boy was between them and buckled in too. Christopher had been laughing and whooping like a kid at Disneyland. Clara was fairly sure Jim had been speeding just for him.

Bobby suddenly straightened, his eyes widening. "Reggie! Reggie's coming!" He scrabbled for his belt buckle.

"No! No, don't!" Clara reached across Christopher's lap and grabbed Bobby's nearer wrist, shoving calm at him like piles of snow. It made her still-aching head ring, but at least he stopped acting like he'd throw himself out of the Humvee while it was moving. "Bobby, I know how much you want to see your Guide. But it will take longer if you're not safe and someone gets hurt. Do you understand?"

He gave her a tiny, bobbing nod, still taut as a wire. Clara squeezed his wrist gently in sympathy, but didn't let go.

"Holy fuck!" Jim exclaimed out of nowhere, then wrenched the wheel so hard poor Christopher yelped when she squished him into Bobby, and Willie and Luke grunted in pain. The Humvee lumbered past whatever had suddenly appeared in front of them, nearly ninety degrees from their original route. Jim yanked them back on course. "What the fuck was that idiot doing?"

"I think that was Buck!" Willie said. "Ow."

"Buck?" Clara gasped, relief and new fear clenching in her chest like pain. "Jim! Jim, stop the car!"

Jim hit the breaks. The Humvee skidded to a stop.

"Jim, Clint, please help Luke, Julie and Willie so I can get to Buck," Clara said, fumbling with her belt. Bobby was already standing, pulling Christopher out of the chair and into his arms. He yanked the doorhandle and shoved the door open, then jumped down onto the grass.

Clara followed a lot less gracefully. And yes, the "idiot" Jim had almost flattened was Buck. He was swaying on his feet, translucently pale and sheened with sweat in the Humvee's running lights. Bobby handed Christopher over immediately when Buck reached for him.

"Like we promised," Bobby said.

Buck nodded vaguely as he hugged Christopher close. He bent his head to take deep, gulping breaths with his nose buried in the boy's hair. Grounding himself. He was shaking just as badly as before he'd left, still as filthy and obviously in pain. Clara was too depleted to check without touching him, but she was dismally sure his shields were gone.

"It's okay. It's okay, Buck. You don't have to be scared," Christopher said, patting him.

Buck whined deep in his throat and held the boy a little tighter.

"Buck?" Clara said, then had to swallow the tears from her voice. She hadn't quite realized just how terrified she'd been of never seeing him again.

Buck's head shot up, and he backed up a step, like he wasn't sure who she was. His eyes shone like glass in the Humvee's headlights, painfully alert but not entirely aware.

Feral. God, not again. Hopefully he wasn't too deep, because right now Clara wouldn't be able to get him present. Clint would have to do it, and Clara loathed the idea of Buck having a stranger in his head. "It's me, Buck. It's Clara. You're safe." Her voice was still trembling with her relief. All she wanted to do was pull him into her arms, but she moved slowly and just reached out with her hand instead. She turned her palm upwards and bent it to expose her wrist. "You know my scent."

Buck inhaled, nostrils flaring. Then he lifted his head and shifted Christopher onto his hip as he crossed the small distance between them. He pulled Clara into a hug with his free arm.

"Yes, that's fine. Go ahead, sweetheart. I was so worried about you," she murmured, holding him as tightly as she could. He grabbed a fistful of the back of her shirt and pressed his face to the junction of her neck and shoulder. His skin was painfully cold, like he'd been standing outside in a Jersey winter. She could hear him inhaling, scenting her, before he turned his head enough to touch the tip of his tongue to her neck.

"I'm here, I'm right here. I'm so glad you found us. I was so worried." She rubbed his back through the cold, damp cloth of his sweatshirt and pushed her fingers into his hair. He sighed but didn't stop shaking. And his shields were gone just the way she'd predicted. Clara steeled herself for the pain, and thinned her own shields enough to read him.

He wasn't too deep in his head, thank goodness. But his mind was a wild torrent of confusion and fear. And his hearing was so high he could probably track her synapses firing.

Being feral had saved him from another spike, but he couldn't stay like that. "You need to get your hearing down, sweetheart. Can you drop it a few floors?"

He nodded, and she sent him warmth and encouragement as he pulled his hearing in to almost normal. He relaxed a little more.

She badly needed to replace his shields, God help her, but before she could he whipped his head up, looking out at the direction he'd come from. He let go of her and stepped away, but took her hand in his. Like he thought they'd have to run. His hand was freezing.

The Sentinel Bobby stepped in front of them both.

A black-haired man ran into the wide pool of the Humvee lights. Probably a paramedic, given his uniform. "Buck!"

Bobby growled.

"Oh, shit." The man stopped and backpedaled so fast he tripped on the uneven ground and nearly fell. He put up his hands, then looked over his shoulder and thrust one arm out to the side, stopping his colleague as she ran up beside him. "No sudden moves," he said, voice tense but quiet between his panting breaths.

She went still, taking in the situation, then nodded.

"Hey," the man said, putting his hands up again with his palms facing out. "You can probably tell I'm a Guide, right?" He didn't wait for Bobby to respond. "My name is Chim, and this is Hen. We're paramedics." He nodded at Buck. "That guy behind you is our friend. He's kind of sick right now, even if he can still run like a fucking antelope. We're just trying to help him."

"Hi, guys!" Christopher sounded a lot more concerned than happy, but he waved.

"Hey, Chris." Chim waved carefully back with one hand.

"It's really good to see you, honey," Hen said to Christopher. "We're worried about Buck, though. Do you think maybe he could come over here?"

Christopher looked at Buck, who was watching the paramedics in apprehension. The boy shook his head. "No."

Jim and Clint came around the back of the Humvee. Clint was carrying Julie bridal style, with Willie and Luke following. "They didn't want to leave their snarly friend," Clint explained when Clara looked questioningly at him.

"Is there a problem?" Jim asked the paramedics. His voice was neutral, but he'd carefully positioned himself at the front of the group.

Chim and Hen blinked.

"Oh, hey. Avengers. Neat," Chim said. "But, ah, no. There isn't a problem. Unless you count how Sentinel Buckley's currently dying from bond deprivation. Because that kind of is."

"He needs to bond with a Guide immediately," Hen said. "We have a Guide who'll be here any second, but we need to end this standoff."

Buck's lips pulled back from his teeth and Bobby growled again, picking up on his anxiety. Only for the sound to cut off abruptly as the younger Sentinel's attention snapped to a horse with two riders, trotting daintily into the light.

"WILLIE!" the blond rider shouted in joy, so loudly all the Sentinels winced.

Bobby's entire focus was on the brunet, as if magnetized.

"BOBBY!" the brunet shouted almost as loudly. He waved frantically, leaning so far forward he nearly tumbled off onto his head. "Bobby! It's me! Luke! Julie! Hi!"

"Alex! Alex! Oh, my God!" Willie yelled back, then jogged towards the horse as fast as his damaged ribs would allow him. The blond who had to be Alex dismounted with a painful swing of his leg and limped to him.

"Put me down! Put me down!" Julie squirmed in Clint's arms, reaching like a toddler. "Those are our friends!"

"No kidding." Clint passed Julie to Jim in one smooth motion, then walked the short distance to Clara, Buck and Bobby.

The brunet scrambled off the horse as soon as Alex was clear, and was immediately mobbed by Luke and a limping Julie.

"Reggie," Bobby breathed. He made an aborted move towards the ecstatic collision of the five other teenagers. Then he looked back at Buck, Clara and Christopher, then at the two paramedics before he looked at Reggie again. His hands were clenched, his entire body quivering with indecision.

"It's all right, Bobby," Clara said. "We're safe here. You can go to your Guide."

Bobby looked back at the paramedics.

"It's okay. We got this. I promise I'll keep them safe," Clint said seriously. "Go on. Your Guide's waiting for you."

Clint was putting out calm in thick, soothing waves. But Clara was sure it was his earnestness that finally made Bobby nod, glance back at her and the others once, then take off running.

Clara watched long enough to see Reggie literally leap into Bobby's arms and tumble them both to the ground, before switching her focus back to the paramedics. She dearly wished she could just concentrate on the beautifully happy clamor of the reunion, but the teens were well enough for now; Buck was not. He was her priority.

Both paramedics relaxed visibly once Bobby wasn't there snarling at them. Hen stepped closer. "Buck? Will you let us help you?"

Buck drew back from her, letting out a tiny, warning growl.

"I think that's a 'no'," Clint said.

"He's a little feral right now," Clara said. "He's also confused and frightened." She ignored the "No shit," from Chim. "It's possible he doesn't recognize you. I recommend approaching slowly and letting him get your scent."

Hen looked puzzled. "He imprinted on both of us."

"Yeah, well," Clara said on a sigh. "It's been a very bad day."

"And who are you, exactly?" Chim said.

"My Guide," Buck said. His tone was a warning too.

"Buck?"

Two men, both dressed like the two paramedics, were standing at the edge of the Humvee's lights, one a few steps in front of the other.

"Daddy!" Christopher yelled, waving madly and grinning.

Chapter Text

"Hi, mijo," the shorter, dark-haired one said. He grinned, stepping farther into the light. His affection for his son was obvious; so was the tension around his eyes. His gaze kept slipping off his boy to the man holding him.

So. That was Eddie.

"I'm so happy to see you and Buck, Christopher. I thought you guys were at the movies today! Can you believe that?" Eddie walked closer as he spoke, one casual, slow step at a time. His hands were up the way Chim's had been, his entire stance nonthreatening. His eyes barely flickered to her or Hawkeye, just stayed on the two members of his pack like a lantern in the dark. "I was so worried when I found out you were actually in the tsunami." Another step. He was a powerful Guide too. Not quite as strong as Clint, but she could already feel it with nearly ten feet still between them.

Buck's hand tightened on hers. His breathing sped up. "Sorry," he whispered. She could hear his guilt, even with the feral reverb still running through it. And she could feel it from his mind like a weight.

Eddie stopped walking. "It wasn't your fault, Buck. I'm not angry. Not at all. You saved him, didn't you?" His eyes were liquid and sincere in the yellow light.

Buck's gaze flicked down, either because he didn't agree or couldn't remember.

"You did," Clara said to him. "You saved Christopher, and then you saved me, and all those people you got onto the roof of that truck."

"You saved everybody," Christopher said, just as sincere as his dad. "And then you saved me again, remember?"

Buck nodded reluctantly, not lifting his eyes.

"Yeah, Buck," Eddie said, and Buck's gaze instantly jumped back to him. The edges of Eddie's mouth lifted into a small, tentative smile. "I am so grateful. And I am so, so proud of you, Sentinel." He glanced at Clara, and she saw his throat move as he swallowed; the flicker of anguish he couldn't keep off his face. "Is this your Guide, Buck?"

"No," Clara said before Buck could answer. She squeezed Buck's hand in apology, but when she glanced at him, his eyes were still locked on Eddie. "I've been acting as his TAG today, but we don't have a bond."

Eddie didn't quite sag in relief before his tension ratcheted up again. "Thank you for helping him," he said to her; she didn't need to be a Guide to know how deeply he meant it. "I'm really glad you had someone with you today, when I couldn't be, Buck," he said to him, then took another step. "But, I don't think you're doing so well right now, huh? You've been without a bond for too long, and it's made you sick." Another step. "Will you let me help you, Buck? Can I be your Guide again?" He took one more step and then there was a medium-sized white dog with light brown spots snarling at him. "Whoa!" Eddie backed up, hands out and low, trying not to make a good target.

"Holy shit, is that Buck's spirit animal?" Chim asked.

"I don't think it's Eddie's," Hen said.

The dog barked at Eddie again, as if to prove that no, she wasn't. She let out a series of little snappish grrs, each one punctuated with a jerk of her chin. It wasn't really a threat, but the message was clear.

The man who'd come up with Eddie moved further into the light. "Hey, now," he said to the dog. "none of that. I already yelled at him. You don't need to give him a hard time too." He knelt near Eddie, stretching out his hand for the dog to sniff.

The dog growled at Eddie one more time for good measure, then sniffed Bobby's fingers. She gave them a lick, glaring at Eddie the whole time.

The dog-sanctioned firefighter smiled. He shuffled closer so he could pet her around her ears, then looked at Buck. "What's her name?"

Buck's wide-eyed gaze was fixed on the dog. He swallowed. "Adelpha."

"Adelpha." The man nodded approvingly, then turned back to her. "A pretty name for a pretty girl. And you're a Dalmatian, too, aren't you? Excellent choice for a firefighter." He kept scratching Adelpha's ears, and the dog sat in the grass, her tail thumping. "Why don't you come say hello to your spirt animal, Buck?" he asked nonchalantly. "I bet she'd like some belly rubs. You like belly rubs, don't you?" he added to the dog.

Adelpha obligingly flopped onto her side in the grass, then rolled onto her back with all four of her legs splayed. She looked up at the firefighter with adoring hope in her remarkably blue eyes.

He chuckled, then scrubbed her belly. "That's the stuff, huh? You like that, girl?"

Adelpha's tail happily whacked the ground.

"Your spirit animal's really pretty, Buck!" Christopher said to him, awe in his voice. "Can I pet her?"

Buck's gaze was moving back and forth from Adelpha to Eddie, so longingly it was like his soul was already next to them. But he looked down at his and Clara's joined hands, then at her face.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm perfectly safe, I promise." Clara smiled for him, then gently disengaged their fingers. She nodded at the small tableau of the two men and the dog. "I'm sure she wants to see you."

Buck looked at Eddie, then back at her, his eyes big and uncertain.

Clara swallowed, made herself smile again. "Yes, honey. That's your Guide. That's your real Guide. He wants to see you too." Whatever else had happened between them, Eddie clearly cared about his friend. At least that was a good place to start.

Buck gave her a single, tiny nod, then hefted Christopher more comfortably in his arms and walked hesitantly to the three of them.

The one petting the dog looked up at him and gave Buck a big, warm grin. He hid his tension better than Eddie did. "Hey, Buck. This is a beautiful spirit animal you have here." He glanced at Clara then back at the Sentinel. "My name's Bobby. Bobby Nash." Clara could see his soft smile. He tilted his head at Eddie, who was still standing. "This is Eddie." He pointed to where Chim and Hen were also still standing silently, like they understood the precariousness of the moment. "That's Chimney and Hen over there. Do you recognize our heartbeats?"

There was a moment where Buck didn't move, listening, then he nodded slowly. He looked at Christopher in his arms, then at Eddie.

Eddie swallowed. "Can I hold my son, Buck?"

Buck hesitated, then nodded reluctantly and held Christopher out for Eddie to take him.

"Thank you," Eddie said, heartfelt. He hugged Christopher tight. "I'm so glad you're okay, mijo," he said, voice rough with emotion.

"I'm glad you're okay too," Christopher said.

Buck lowered himself to the ground, and Adelpha immediately leapt up and enthusiastically licked Buck's face, her tail wagging madly, until he hugged her around the shoulders. It reminded Clara very much of the way Bucky clung to Celeste, when he'd first got her back. Adelpha whined like a puppy, wriggling in joy and licking at whatever part of Buck she could reach.

"Can I pet her?" Christopher asked excitedly, twisting in his father's arms.

Buck nodded, so Eddie put him down, careful not to step too close to Buck as he moved. Christopher put his little hands on Adelpha and she wagged herself out of Buck's grip and started licking Christopher too. He toppled backwards into the grass, giggling.

"Buck?" Eddie knelt excruciatingly slowly, barely within arms' reach. "Hey, buddy," he said when Buck turned to look at him. "I'd really like to help you get your shields back, and then maybe get you present. If you want, I mean. I know you've had a really bad day. I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted to…stay quiet for a while. It's up to you. But, you'll feel better with shields." He reached towards him like he couldn't quite stop himself. "Can I help you?"

"Okay," Buck said.

Clara let out a breath in a miserable kind of relief. She was grateful Buck was with a Guide who could give him the life he deserved, even if she still wanted to beat the tar out of Eddie. But she also knew exactly what she'd lost, and she was grieving.

Her last, only opportunity to be someone's Guide had been severed when Buck let go of her hand. She would never have that again.

This was the best outcome for him. And her, really. She knew that. It still hurt.

Clint stepped to her side and slung his arm around her. "You okay?"

Clara sniffed inelegantly, wiping her eyes. "I will be. It's just…He's with his Guide."

"And it's not you," Clint finished for her. Clara nodded. "I kind of felt like that when Nat found Sam, and suddenly she didn't need our surface bond anymore. Fucking sucks."

Clara gave a very small, wet chuckle. "Exactly. I'm happy for him. But, yes. It fucking sucks."

"Um, Clara?"

She blinked, wiping her eyes again quickly as she turned towards the teen Bobby, who was holding his Guide Reggie's hand. They both looked worried.

Dear Lord, what now? she thought. "What's wrong?" She knew why Jim hadn't hustled the teens back into the Humvee and taken them to the nearest available doctor: The stimulus of that behemoth in motion would've shattered the fragile peace between Buck and the others, as well as Buck's tenuous control. She just hoped that decision hadn't somehow put someone in danger.

"Um, can you come help? Something weird's happening with Julie and Alex," Reggie said. "Oh." He lifted his hand in a quick little wave. "I'm Reggie. Hi."

"Hello, Reggie." She took a breath. At least "weird" didn't sound dire. "Yes, of course I can come help."

"You sure?" Clint asked her. "I can take care of it."

"Thank you, but I can handle this." She smiled at him and patted his chest. She could always call him over if it turned out this was worse than she'd thought. And she absolutely didn't need to be watching Eddie and Buck like some tragic voyeur. Buck was safe. He'd be okay.

Eddie almost put his hands on Buck's head, then checked himself and reached for Buck's hands instead. The head was more of a crutch than a necessity—this was all mind stuff, so you went for the head—but any skin-to-skin contact would do in a pinch. And putting his hands near Buck's face felt like an intimacy Eddie wasn't sure he had a right to anymore.

He was pretty sure Clara had, though. Eddie tried not to be jealous about that. He didn't have time, anyway.

Buck's hands were freezing. His mind was worse: cold and dark as the desert night in Afghanistan. The light of his presence was barely a dim glow on the horizon, like the last of the sunset. Eddie was bleakly certain being feral was the only thing keeping Buck upright. It might've been the only thing keeping him alive.

"I'm just gonna put your shields back," he murmured. "I promise it won't hurt." He closed his eyes as he concentrated, everything in the background fading out. For a bad second his iced-over guts turned to knives, before he got a grip and remembered he and Buck were in LA, with Bobby, Hen, Chim, and even two Avengers. He didn't have to worry about an insurgent attack while they couldn't defend themselves. Buck was safe.

All the same, Eddie threw up new shields for Buck as fast as he could, using the quickest-and-dirtiest visualization method he'd been taught: drop a fucking helmet and reinforce it until the Sentinel stopped screaming. The resulting shields were too brittle and thin, glowing an anemic light yellow instead of the rich amber Eddie always saw in his head. He knew he should take more time, use the bricks or at least one of Christopher's balloons. Buck needed as much protection as he could get. But Eddie couldn't do it. He couldn't shake the terror, and using the helmet imagery felt like it took far too long as it was.

Eddie's eyes flew open as soon as Buck relaxed, buffered by the new shields. He let go of Buck with one hand to wipe the sweat off his forehead. His heart was hammering so hard it hurt, his breath scraping in and out of his lungs.

"You okay?" Bobby asked quietly.

Eddie nodded, wiped his forehead again. "Just had to build his shields from scratch." That was absolutely true, but it wasn't why his hands were shaking as badly as a dying Sentinel's.

Buck gently but resolutely pulled his hand out of Eddie's. Adelpha immediately pushed her way between them. She hooked her chin on Buck's shoulder in a doggie hug. Her tail wasn't wagging.

If Bobby knew Eddie was lying, he was willing to go with it. His gaze slid to Buck, who was resolutely avoiding Eddie's eyes. "You two good?"

Eddie opened his mouth, then closed it. "I don't know," he said honestly. "He has shields, but he's still feral. And…he's not going to improve unless someone can bond with him."

"So, what are you waiting for?" Chim demanded, clipped with anger. Eddie gasped and looked sharply over his shoulder, to where Hen and Chim were sitting on the grass. He had no idea when they'd gotten there. We're safe. We're safe. It's okay, he told himself frantically, heartrate rocketing again.

Buck's head snapped up, his eyes widening. He put his hand on Eddie's chest. "Scared," he said, eyes worried and sad. "I'm sorry."

Eddie put his hand over Buck's. Buck had felt everything Eddie did while he was making Buck's shields, just like Buck could hear Eddie's wild heartbeat now. Eddie hadn't even thought about it; it was just a biproduct of Guiding a Sentinel. But, how could he admit he was near panic over nothing? When he was trying to make Buck bond with him? Buck already knew he was a bad Guide. Eddie was lucky Buck still trusted him at all. There was no way Eddie could keep that trust if he couldn't hold himself together. "It's not your fault," he said quickly. "I just…I'm worried about you. You're really sick. That's what I was feeling." God knew that was true anyway.

Buck's eyes went flinty and he snatched his hand back. "No," he said, and the snarl under it was unmistakable. "Scared. You…" He broke off with a grimace, then rubbed his forehead. "Scared. Always scared."

"You're right," Eddie said. He couldn't meet Bobby's eyes when his captain frowned at him in incomprehension. "I'm not just worried about you. I'm scared. I'm really scared, Buck. I want…I need to bond with you, so I can…" He swallowed. Save you was too much. He wasn't even sure Buck knew he was dying. "So I can help you. You're really sick. I know you know that." He reached for him again. "Can I help you?"

Buck bobbed back from him. He shook his head. "No! You…you…" He made a noise of frustration and smacked his forehead a couple times with the heel of his hand. "Help," he said, eyes pleading. "Eddie. Please. Help."

Eddie licked his lips. "Are you asking me to make you present?"

Buck nodded frantically.

Eddie hesitated. "You're kind of running on fumes right now. If I get you present, you'll—you might crash."

Buck's jaw set. "Can't. Talk."

"I know. I understand." Eddie grimaced. "You sure?"

"Yes." Buck glowered at him. Adelpha barked once, as if in agreement.

"Okay. Okay, sure." Eddie nodded, then knee-walked closer. "It'll be easier if I can put my hands on your head. Is that all right? Great," he said when Buck nodded. Eddie's heart was beating too hard again for him to smile, but at least now the fear didn't go as deep. He'd had to rebuild shields a few times in the field, but he'd only had to help with ferals a couple times on base. That association was easier.

It was also easier to bring a feral Sentinel back than to make a Sentinel shields, especially when they wanted to surface. It wasn't hard to find Buck in the twilight desert of his head, and he didn't resist at all when Eddie gently tugged him out.

"Hey," Eddie said, smiling at Buck's clear, open eyes. "Welcome back." He realized his hands were still on Buck's head and yanked them away.

Buck grabbed his wrists, like he wanted the connection to help Eddie understand. "Eddie." Buck's voice was rough but entirely his, and it was beautiful. "Eddie, it's okay," he said, speaking quickly. "I-I know…" He blinked, like he'd lost his train of thought, then gasped as he rallied. "No, please! I don't…You…" He trailed off, maybe because of the devastation Eddie couldn't keep off his face. "Eddie?" Buck looked confused, then his expression went blank. His eyes rolled back and he slumped sideways.

Adelpha yipped in alarm, then disappeared.

"No!" Eddie managed to support Buck's head before he hit the ground, and Bobby helped him lay Buck supine as gently as possible. Eddie tilted Buck's head back to keep his airway clear, gritting his teeth at how fast Buck was breathing. He checked Buck's pulse at his neck, knowing Chim already had his fingers at Buck's wrist for the same thing. Buck's pulse was thready; horribly weak. "Buck! Can you hear me? Can you hear me, Buck?"

Nothing. No reaction.

Hen did a sternum rub, then a harder one. Still nothing. "He's not responding."

"Eddie," Bobby said.

Eddie looked up at him. Bobby was standing now, a very frightened Christopher in his arms. Hawkeye was jogging over from the Humvee, for all the good he could do.

"He said 'no'!" Eddie told Bobby, heartbroken and desperate and more scared then he'd ever been in his life. "He said 'no!' I can't bond with him without his consent!"

"We're out of options, Eddie," Bobby said. His voice was icily calm.

"For fuck's sake! Make a surface bond!" Chim blasted him. "He's dying! Do something!"

A surface bond. Eddie blinked, then nodded. Right. Of course. He'd talked about a surface bond to Bobby, if Buck wouldn't accept anything else. And that could be undone. Hopefully it'd be enough to at least stabilize him. "Okay. Okay." He moved quickly until he was kneeling at Buck's crown, then put his hands on the sides of his head again. He'd need every crutch he could get for this. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

He'd made Buck's lousy shields, so it was no work at all to get through them. The last time he'd made a surface bond was with Greggs, but Eddie did his best not to think about that. It didn't matter if his heart was pounding so badly it was hard to breathe. Buck was worth the terror; he was worth anything.

And it was easy. Eddie had forgotten how easy it was, to flood his Sentinel with psychic energy. To find all the empty places in his head and push the energy in like fresh, warm water to fill them. Buck couldn't help or resist, which Eddie refused to think about either or he might throw up. He wasn't hurting him. He was saving his life. And as soon as they found Buck another Guide, Eddie could break the bond and Buck would be fine. He'd be fine.

The hard part was not flooding him completely, holding himself back from making a full bond. It felt like taking tiny sips when he was dying of thirst. It would be so easy to let go, to make Buck entirely his.

Eddie didn't. He was a bad Guide, but he was a good man. Or, at least he'd always tried to be. And he would never force a full bond on anyone, let alone someone he loved this much. It was bad enough Buck didn't know what was happening.

The last thing he did was reinforce Buck's shields, properly this time. He could still feel Buck through them, tethered to his consciousness like he'd be to his. Until Buck told him to get rid of it, because Buck didn't want Eddie to guide him.

Buck's presence was dark and silent with his unconsciousness. But as Eddie waited, still deep in his Sentinel's head, he sensed warmth and light trickling in. Then it flowed, then became a torrent. Eddie could feel Buck's restlessness and confusion as he drifted back to the world.

Buck made a soft sound like a sigh, his hands twitching. His eyelids fluttered, still closed but fighting to open. "…Abby?" he whispered, sounding puzzled.

Eddie jerked his hands away from Buck's head, what was left of his broken heart shattering. He retreated from Buck's mind as much as he could with the surface bond connecting them.

"Buck, can you hear me?" Hen took his hand. "It's Hen. Can you open your eyes?"

It was a bit of a struggle, but Buck got them open. "Eddie," he said, smiling up at him. A surge of love and contentment rolled to Eddie along their new bond, like a cat in the sun. Then Buck blinked, frowning as he focused inward. "You're in my head." The warm emotions disappeared.

"It's just temporary!" Eddie blurted. He reined his own emotions back so Buck wouldn't be hit with his grief. "It's just a surface bond. We can break it whenever you want."

"Whenever I want?" Eddie had no idea what Buck's inflection meant, though deep in the bond was a flare of miserable anger. But it was hard to feel it clearly enough to connect to anything, since it was almost smothered under exhaustion and pain. Less pain, thank God. But the surface bond was weaker than a full bond. It was difficult to parse out exact emotions anyway, or to even feel the more subtle ones.

It was also more like a tourniquet, when Buck needed surgery. Eddie could feel that easily: the lightless desolation lurking in Buck's psyche where it should have been bright and warm. He was stabilized, just like Eddie had hoped, but it wasn't enough. They needed to find Buck a real Guide soon if they wanted to save him. One he actually wanted.

"Yes, we can break it whenever you want," Eddie told him, because maybe Buck just wanted confirmation. He realized suddenly he was still looking at Buck upside down, and moved so he could face him instead. "Do you want to sit up?"

Buck considered that, then nodded.

Eddie put his hand on Buck's back to lever him upright, and their bond flared with warmth and light from the contact. Buck stiffened, sucking in a breath. Eddie let go of him immediately.

Buck pulled his knees up and rested his forearms on them, panting like sitting up took painful effort. He returned the carefully enthusiastic hugs from Chim and Hen, then smiled wearily at Bobby and Christopher. Then he saw Hawkeye and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Hey." Hawkeye lifted his hand, grinning. "Good to see you back among the living. You had us worried."

"He's a friend of Clara's," Bobby explained, then grinned at Buck so warmly it made Eddie's heart ache. "You look better. How are you feeling?"

"Weird," Buck said softly.

"Are you okay now, Buck?" Christopher asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled for Christopher, but it was obvious he was lying—at least to Eddie. He didn't know if the problem was with Buck's body, because of the bond deprivation, or his emotions, because of Eddie. Or maybe it was both.

Either way, it was Eddie's fault.

Chapter Text

It turned out the weird something was Julie and Alex lying on the ground holding hands, with Julie’s head on Alex’s stomach. Julie’s butterfly was perched on the tips of Alex’s fingers, wings flapping slowly and shining purple in the Humvee light. Alex was grinning dopily at it, and Julie was giggling at a red-brown mouse licking her thumb.

The horse had to be Reggie’s, then. She was nowhere in sight, but that wasn’t surprising. Spirit animals tended to come and go as they pleased.

Luke and Willie were standing nearby, looking at the pair on the ground in forlorn incomprehension.

Clara stopped just beyond the stretch of Alex’s sneakered feet. He was definitely a Guide, and a powerful one, like Eddie. He was a good match for the Sentinel now carefully petting the mouse’s head.

“Hi, Clara!” Julie grinned at her, showing the adorable gap between her front teeth. “Alex has a mouse! Isn’t that cute?”

“Hi, Julie. Yes, it’s very cute,” Clara said to her. “Does she have a name?”

“Kimberly,” Alex said with authority. He let go of Julie’s hand long enough to wave before taking it again. “I’m Alex.” He lifted his hand with the butterfly. “And this is Max.”

“Hello, Alex, Kimberly, Max.” Clara nodded and smiled at all of them. Alex was certainly as adorable as the little mouse in Julie’s hand.

“What’s wrong with them?” Bobby asked from behind her.

“I don’t think anything is wrong,” Clara said to him. “I think they’re both a little loopy because it’s been a long day and they’ve just bonded.”

“Oh, my God. Seriously?” Julie sprang upright, and the mouse scampered up to her shoulder. Max fluttered from Alex’s fingers to perch on her hair. She shifted around until she was sitting facing Clara and stared up at her in wonder. “Is that what this is? Because...” She looked at Alex, then smiled at him like she couldn’t help herself. “Because it’s nothing like what I figured.”

“Yeah.” Alex nodded vehemently then sat up as well, hissing as he moved his right leg. “I mean, I didn’t know what it’d be like, right? Cause I didn’t think I’d be a Guide or anything. But, we were just hugging? And then it was like, she was in my head? Only, it was more like music.” He laughed. “Julie-music!” Then his eyes narrowed in thought. “It’s like…like a really cool earworm. But also a blanket. And, light? And I love it but my ankle hurts.”

“Oh, right!” Julie nodded vigorously. “The music thing wasn’t like I figured. I mean, other than Alex being more like a rhythm. Cause my dad said my Guide would feel like light. And he does!” she added quickly, as if Clara might be concerned. “But, he’s more like a rhythm.”

“I’m a drummer. We’re in a band.” Alex explained. He beamed.

Julie grinned at him again, before she frowned. “But, my ankle doesn’t hurt very much anymore, but his does.”

“Hmm.” Clara moved closer. “A Guide sharing their new Sentinels’ pain is fairly common, and means you two are a very good fit.” She grinned at them smiling at each other, enjoying their happiness. “That should go away in a about a week. Normally a Sentinel-Guide pair can tell if the other is in pain, but they don’t actually experience it themselves.”

“I don’t mind sharing Julie’s pain,” Alex said.

Clara smiled warmly back at him; the two of them were so new and so sweet. She hated the deep, sharp kernel of envy and regret she couldn’t prevent, but she put it aside. Nothing in her life had really changed, after all. She just had to get used to her solitude again. “Well, congratulations to you both. I don’t think either of you could have found a better bond partner.”

“So…they’re really okay? They just bonded?” Bobby asked.

Clara turned to smile at him. “Yes. They’re perfectly all right, they’ve just bonded.”

Reggie’s entire face lit up. “No way!” He nimbly dodged around her and dropped to his knees, enveloping Alex and Julie in a hug. “Congratulations, guys! That’s so freaking cool!” He looked up at Luke and Willie. “They bonded! Isn’t that amazing?”

Willie and Luke exchanged a glance. Neither of them gave them impression they thought it was amazing.

“Yeah. That’s really cool, Alex,” Willie said, smiling painfully.

“I’m really happy for you guys,” Luke said. His smile was even more painful than Willie’s.

Bobby wandered over and bent down to hug Alex and then Julie. “Congrats.”

Alex laughed as he returned the awkward hug, but his smile fell away when he looked at Willie. “Willie? What’s wrong?”

Willie still had one hand pressed over his ribs, but he looked far more like it was his heart that was hurting him. He made an attempt at another smile. “So…you’re with Julie, now, huh?”

“I…I’m glad you found your Guide, Julie.” Luke was looking like he was trying really, really hard to be glad. “And we’ll still be friends, right?”

Alex and Julie looked at each other, then at Luke and Willie, radiating bafflement.

“Um, I’m still gay?” Alex said.

Willie looked incredibly relieved for all of a second, before his expression collapsed into unhappy puzzlement. “But, you’re bonded.”

“And yet, I’m still gay.” Alex squeezed Julie’s shoulder, then deftly took the mouse and climbed to his feet, grimacing in pain the whole time. He limped over to Willie. “And I’m still your boyfriend,” he said earnestly. “As long as you want me to be.”

Willie swallowed. “Forever?”

Alex grinned. “Well that’s lucky, cause that’s how long I want to be your boyfriend too.” He wrapped his free hand around the back of Willie’s head and pulled him in for a kiss.

Julie got up and limped to Luke, her butterfly flapping serenely behind her. “I love Alex, just like I love Reggie and Bobby and Willie,” she said. “But I’m in love with you, dummy. Nothing’s changed, okay?”

“Oh,” Luke said softly. He smiled again, and this time it was full of wonder and relief. “I love you, too.”

“I know.” Julie leaned in and they kissed. Max fluttered to Luke and landed in his hair.

Alex chuckled. “I can actually feel how much she loves you,” he said to Luke when Luke and Julie broke apart for air. Alex’s mouse was on Willie’s shoulder. Alex still had his hand threaded into Willie’s hair, apparently unwilling to let go of him. “It’s gross.”

“Oh, yeah, same.” Julie nodded to Luke with mock-severity. “He’s disgusting.” She giggled.

“And I can smell it on all of you,” Jim said. He was lying on the roof of the Humvee with his hands stacked behind his head; watching over the teens without being so near as to intimidate the young Sentinels. It was typically thoughtful of him. “You’re all disgusting.”

“I think that’s just the ocean water,” Bobby said.

“Wait.” Reggie came over to Julie, his green eyes suddenly big with concern. “Is your dad gonna be upset? You said you were gonna have a parental bond with him.”

Julie stepped away from Luke, though she was still holding his good hand. Her face fell. “I don’t know. I was really looking forward to it.” She gave Alex a small smile. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, but…I don’t feel bad about it? I can’t. It’s too amazing.”

“I’d hate to make Ray sad, though,” Alex said, now looking worried himself. “He’s really nice.”

“It’s not like you guys bonded on purpose,” Luke protested. He was apparently completely on board with the bonding, now he knew he still had his girlfriend. “I mean, you weren’t even trying, right? It just happened.”

“I’m sure Julie’s father will regret not having the opportunity to form a parental bond,” Clara said honestly. “But I can’t imagine him being unhappy you two found each other.” It was exactly how she felt about Buck bonding with Eddie instead of her, after all. And as a parent she was sure Ray’s priority would be his daughter’s safety and happiness.

“It’s like, you both came online tonight just so you could bond with each other, you know?” Willie said. He was clearly much happier about it now too.

“Like me and Reggie,” Bobby said, and Reggie grinned at him.

“Do you think…maybe it was your mom?” Luke asked Julie.

“I don’t know,” Julie said softly. She put her finger out and Max flew onto it. “But, she loved butterflies, and purple was her favorite color.”

“And she knew how much you love Luke, who’s a normie,” Willie said. He quirked a smile at Alex. “So your Guide’s kind of perfect for that.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, voice suddenly hushed like Willie had reminded him of something. He blushed, but he looked haunted rather than embarrassed. He picked Kimberly up again, as if he was worried about protecting her. “Is Buck okay? Does he have a Guide now?” he asked Clara.

Clara was surprised Alex even knew Buck’s name, let alone how dire his situation had been. She guessed Julie had told him.

“Yup.” Jim said before she could reply. He sat up smoothly, then slid off the roof of the Humvee to land lightly in the grass. “It was touch-and-go there for a sec, but he’s okay. He and Eddie have a surface bond.”

“Oh, thank God,” Clara sighed. She’d been almost sure he’d be okay, but the relief was still deep enough to leave her lightheaded for a moment. And then a little choked up. She hadn’t realized it until just then, but part of her had still been prepared for him to die.

But a surface bond wasn’t what she’d hoped for him. He deserved a full bond with a Guide who wanted to share every part of his being. Clara couldn’t understand why that hadn’t happened. Had Eddie refused a full bond? Had Buck? Buck was so certain Eddie didn’t want to be his Guide; was he right?

She had no idea. She had no idea what was going on, and it was maddening. Even worse was how she had no idea if she would even be able to help fix this. If this was even a problem that could be fixed, by her or anyone.

But a surface bond could be built on, and now Buck had time to try. That was what she needed to concentrate on: Buck was still alive and he was going to stay that way. That was the only thing that mattered.

There were a lot of hugs goodbye.

Christopher wanted to hug all the teenagers before Snipe and Hawkeye took him, Eddie and Buck home. Even Reggie and Alex, who Christopher had barely met. Eddie remembered being a surly, too-cool-for-everything teenager, so he was a little surprised at how readily they all passed Christopher around. The young Sentinel named Bobby even imprinted on him. Eddie had worked with enough Sentinels to know how much of an honor that was.

All the teens wanted to hug Buck as well, and Sentinel-Bobby imprinted on him too. That clearly shocked the hell out of Buck, sadly, but he still returned it readily enough.

Alex told Buck he was really happy he’d found his Guide. But Eddie could see Alex’s face over Buck’s shoulder, and the kid’s expression was as anxious as if he thought Eddie would murder Buck in his sleep. And the long-haired boy told Buck, “Don’t forget: you gotta tell him what you want, right? That’s his job.”

Eddie actually agreed wholeheartedly, but Buck had just nodded and given the boy a weary smile. All Eddie could feel through their bond was that Buck was anxious and sad.

After the kids, Christopher needed hugs from Bobby Nash, Chimney and Hen. And of course the three of them hugged Buck too, because he’d almost died.

Buck seemed kind of blearily perplexed about all the affection, which was cute but mostly heartbreaking. Buck should have known how valued he was by now, but he still didn’t. Maybe he never would.

Nobody hugged Eddie. Only Bobby Nash so much as smiled at him. Hen ignored Eddie completely, and if looks could kill, the one Chim gave him would have made Buck need another Guide.

Eddie just took it. Buck might’ve lied about who stopped their bonding, but that didn’t change a damn thing Eddie had done. He just hoped to hell it wasn’t too late to fix things with his firehouse.

Then again, he was still hoping the same thing about Buck, despite the bond flowing between them. Maybe there were just some holes too deep to climb out.

When they finally got to Eddie’s house, Christopher insisted on hugging the Avengers, who were kind enough to act like it was the highlight of their night. He hugged Clara last, and she held him with the same tender affection as Christopher’s Abuela did. And she kissed his dirty forehead before letting him go.

Eddie was a little surprised she took his offered hand; he was expecting she’d either ignore or glare at him like everybody else. “Thank you for saving him,” he said, and he even opened his shields enough to let her feel how much he meant it.

She nodded, but she didn’t say, “You’re welcome”. Her expression wasn’t cold, but it also wasn’t kind. “Take care of him.”

“I will, I promise,” Eddie said. He meant it, but he’d also heard the admonishment she hadn’t said out loud: Don’t abandon him again. He held her assessing gaze, letting her feel his sincerity, until she nodded and then smiled and gently squeezed his hand. She let him feel the warmth of her approval, and his relief was like when he’d passed his certification to become a firefighter.

As soon as Clara stepped back, Buck wobbled out of Eddie’s grip and hugged her like she was his mom and he was leaving for war. Clara was the one who let go first, but instead of moving away she took his hands, then leaned up and kissed his cheek. And then she whispered something in his ear that made Buck gasp and stare at her, his eyes huge and brimming. Clara just smiled at him, gave his hands a gentle, affectionate squeeze and let go. Then she walked briskly back into the Humvee like someone who prefers privacy to cry.

Eddie promised himself he’d make sure Clara and Buck saw each other again. And he ruthlessly ignored the jealousy dripping like acid into his heart. He was Buck’s Guide, not Clara. For as long as Buck would endure it.

Christopher waved at the Humvee until it was out of sight. And then as soon as they finally stepped into the house, he began weeping like a lost soul.

It was all the stress of the day, plus being hungry, thirsty and overtired. Eddie got it—boy, did he ever—but he’d been really, really counting on Christopher’s easy-going optimism. He’d been planning to plonk his kid down on the couch with his favorite cartoons and a peanut-butter sandwich, while Eddie got Buck clean and horizontal before he collapsed in a heap.

Instead he got a little boy beside himself with grief at the absolute certainty he’d never see his new friends again.

So Eddie plonked Buck on the couch instead, after spreading out a blanket so it wouldn’t end up reeking of dirty seawater. He kept Christopher in the kitchen, in the likely vain hope his wailing wouldn’t bother Buck too much. And Christopher had a bowl of ice cream for dinner, because fuck it. Eddie also promised him he’d do everything in his power to let Christopher see the teens again. After seeing Reggie’s Sentinel, he’d finally remembered Carrie Wilson-Shaw was the younger Bobby’s sister. Maybe he could call her and arrange for her bother and his friends to babysit sometime.

And maybe he could somehow get Christopher a visit with the Avengers. Eddie still had the call from that Jarvis guy on his phone, and he’d been really kind. Maybe he’d be willing to set something up if Eddie and Christopher ever got to New York.

That felt like a pretty big “If” right now, considering Eddie wasn’t sure he’d still have a job in the morning. But at least it was enough to get Christopher to eat his half-melted ice cream, even if he snuffled piteously the whole time.

Eddie was tempted to put Christopher to bed as soon as he’d eaten, but couldn’t bring himself to leave all that salt and dirt on his skin. Luckily Christopher was so tired he didn’t complain about taking a shower instead of a bath. And he didn’t argue he was too big for help when Eddie stripped off his own shirt so he could scrub his kid down. Eddie managed to get his pants soaked, but whatever. He wore his wet boxers with a towel wrapped around his waist to carry his damp, miserable son to bed. The one silver lining of the crying jag was Christopher falling asleep before Eddie finished tucking him in.

That just left Buck.

Eddie didn’t have to feel the dark, warm, resonating quiet in their bond to know Buck would be asleep when he went back to the living room. Eddie hated to wake him, but Buck needed a shower worse than Christopher did. He needed food and water just as badly, but beyond getting him to drink something, Eddie wasn’t going to worry about it. Buck wouldn’t starve to death in one day if he was too tired to eat.

Eddie changed into a pair of swim trunks and padded back down the hallway to the living room. Buck was on his side along the couch cushions with his arms crossed and his feet on the floor, exactly like he’d been sitting up and just keeled over. The cuts on his face were very red against the grime on his skin.

“Hey, Buck. Buck, sweetheart. Wake up.” Eddie gently shook his shoulder. He thought about using their bond to rouse him, but that felt too much like crossing a line.

It occurred to him he and Buck would have to work out where the line actually was, which made him realize he had no idea what Buck would even accept out of this relationship, considering he hadn’t wanted it. Hell, Eddie wasn’t sure Buck wanted a relationship at all anymore. Buck’s intention had been painfully clear back at the hospital; he’d just passed out before he could finish saying it.

They needed to talk about this. Very, very badly. Eddie just wished to God he had the first idea how.

“C’mon, Buck. You gotta take a shower.” Eddie kept shaking him, until Buck groaned and turned his head to mash his face into the blanket. Eddie managed to hold back his painful surge of affection at witnessing Buck’s soft, unguarded vulnerability. He didn’t want Buck to accidentally feel it, and maybe be influenced by Eddie’s hopeless emotions.

Buck finally opened his eyes. Eddie felt Buck’s spike of confused anxiety before he turned his head to see Eddie smiling at him. Buck smiled back, and Eddie could clearly feel his relief and happiness. And then Buck blinked, his eyes widened, and he shoved himself upright. He put his hand to his head. “Shit. I forgot. I’m sorry.”

Eddie frowned. That made no sense at all. “What are you sorry for?”

“The bond. You feeling my emotions,” he said, like it was obvious.

“Right.” Eddie swallowed, looking away. He muted his side of the bond as much as possible without closing it entirely. They would barely feel anything from each other that way. It was the least Eddie figured he could do, after forcing the bond on him in the first place. “I wanted to let you sleep, but you need a shower. You can’t keep this crap on your skin, you’ll get a rash.”

“No I won’t,” Buck protested. But he just watched as Eddie pushed the coffee table aside so he could kneel and take off Buck’s shoes.

Eddie placed the sneakers at the end of the couch, then peeled off Buck’s socks. He wondered if any of Buck’s clothes were worth trying to salvage, or if he should just throw them all out. “Do you want me to wash your sneakers? Or get rid of them?”

“…I don’t know,” Buck said finally, after far too long thinking about it.

“That’s okay. I’ll wash them in the morning. You can decide if you still want them then.” Eddie cursed himself inwardly. Buck was in no shape to choose anything right now. All that mattered was getting him clean, watered, and into bed. “And you will get a rash. You’re a Sentinel and you’ve been feeling all that crap on your skin for hours. It’s psychosomatic. One of my TASes got rashes all the time, even with our surface bond.”

“What’s a TAS?”

“Temporarily Assigned Sentinel,” Eddie explained. “I was her TAG, she was my TAS.” He grinned, trying to pretend this was normal; his heart wasn’t pounding again; everything was all right. “You know the Army and TLAs. Three Letter Acronyms,” he added when Buck just stared at him blankly. “She was my first Sentinel,” he said, then was shocked at himself for mentioning it.

“Your first, huh?” Buck’s smile seemed wistful, but with the bond muted Eddie wasn’t sure. “What happened to her?”

“She was transferred. Put your arm across my shoulders.” He took Buck’s wrist and did it himself when Buck just blinked at him, probably confused at Eddie’s sudden abruptness. “That’s it. You’re doing great,” he added, purposely making his voice kinder. He stood, pulling Buck up with him.

It was just…he’d almost lost Buck today. He really didn’t want to think about Anne tonight.

It was only slightly awkward getting two grown men down the narrow hallway and into the tiny bathroom. Eddie helped Buck step into the shower and sit on Christopher’s shower bench, then helped him out of the rest of his clothes. Buck followed Eddie’s quiet instructions in a kind of dazed silence, though he seemed a little more comfortable with nothing touching his skin.

Eddie made sure Buck wasn’t going to fall over, then ducked out long enough to grab several washcloths and a new bar of Sentinel-safe soap. “I’m going to check your levels before I turn the water on, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Buck just nodded.

Eddie had forgotten how easy it was with a bond; how much less focus and concentration it took to see how high his Sentinel’s senses might be. They were all at baseline except for his hearing, which was just slightly over. “Wanna dial down your ears a couple levels?” He grimaced. “Wait. What do you like to use?”

“Huh?” Buck stared at him, then blinked. “You mean…instead of dials?” He sounded painfully unsure.

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, trying to make his expression open. “I was thinking maybe you don’t like imagining dials when you use your senses, but I never asked. So, what do you like?”

“Oh. Uh.” Buck bit his bottom lip, looking away. “Whatever’s easiest for you.” He closed his eyes. “Dialing down,” he said before Eddie could protest. It took him longer than it normally would, but eventually Buck nodded. “I think it’s okay now.”

“Okay, great.” Eddie sighed inwardly, telling himself to let it go, not to feel hurt. Buck was too tired to choose something tonight, that was all.

He verified Buck was entirely at baseline, then angled the shower head away from him. “It’s probably going to be a little cold at first, so be warned.” He turned it on.

Buck flinched at the stray drops before the water warmed enough for Eddie to aim the spray at him. Eddie smiled to himself to see how Buck relaxed under the hot water, finally shedding the physical remains of the day.

“Can I wash your hair?” Eddie asked him.

Buck nodded.

Eddie used the shampoo he’d bought especially for Buck when he stayed over. Eddie liked the apple scent, but now he couldn’t help wondering if Buck did too, or if he’d just accepted it. He almost asked, but Buck had his eyes closed and looked practically asleep. It didn’t feel worth bothering him.

All the same, Eddie made sure to ask Buck’s permission before he washed his face, being careful but thorough with the scrapes there, then his neck and shoulders and on down. Buck’s left side was livid with forming bruises, curving around to his back. But even injured, he was beautiful. Eddie was incredibly attracted to him, but this was Guide work, taking care of his Sentinel. It was easy to put attraction aside.

If anything, Buck’s immediate, unthinking compliance was harder to deal with. Eddie could barely believe Buck still trusted him at all, let alone enough to literally place his body in Eddie’s hands. It felt like a miracle, and was absolutely terrifying.

“Eddie?”

“What?” Eddie ducked his head, letting the water cascade over him like a waterfall. He was kneeling on the shower stall floor, washing Buck’s feet. He’d just finished with the right one.

Buck’s hand settled on the top of his head. “Are you okay?”

Eddie nodded quickly, then lifted his head instead of pushing into the touch. Now was not the time and there would probably never be one. He moved back out of the spray, shoving his wet hair off his forehead. “Yeah.” He smiled. “I’m great.”

Buck looked alert and worried, sitting up and watching him. “Your hands are shaking.”

“They are?” Yeah, they were. The washcloth was shimmying like a little ghost. Well, he supposed it made sense with how fast his heart was going. He smiled again, forcing it wider. “Guess it’s just the adrenaline of the day catching up to me.”

He met Buck’s gaze and held it, willing Buck to believe him, until finally Buck let out a breath and leaned back. He looked defeated. Eddie didn’t know why.

“I can do the rest,” Buck said.

“Oh. Okay. Sure.” Eddie stood up, then squeezed out the washcloth and threw it in the corner of the shower with the rest of them. He’d deal with the sodden mess tomorrow. “You can use the other cloths there, if you want.” He nodded at the three washcloths next to Buck on the bench, all soaked but unused. He washed his hands under the spray, avoiding Buck’s eyes. “I’ll, uh, open the bond more, if that’s okay? Just in case you need me but I can’t hear you.”

“You don’t have to,” Buck said. “I’ll be okay.”

“You can’t even walk right now!” Eddie thought of Christopher in the room next door and managed not to yell. He was only angry because he was hurt about the bond, which was childish anyway. “How are you going to get to the bedroom without help, huh? Crawl? Jesus Christ, Buck.” Eddie scraped his fingers through his wet hair. “Would it kill you to let me help?”

Buck laughed: a thin, miserable sound like glass shattering. “I dunno, Eddie. Sometimes I think it might.”

Eddie went still, heart pounding again in something too red and rough-edged to be fear. “I’m going to get changed.” He left the shower and closed the glass door behind him, then wrapped another towel around his waist. He stripped off his wet shorts under the towel, then dropped them in the corner where he’d shoved Buck’s dirty clothes. Then he stalked into his bedroom.

He dried himself with the towel, scrubbing roughly at his skin and hair. He wasn’t really clean—he hadn’t used any soap—but it was past midnight and he was just so fucking tired.

He’d deal with it in the morning. Like everything else.

He yanked on his dorm pants, but instead of stripping the bed and getting fresh sheets for Buck, he just ended up sitting on the bed corner nearest the door, staring at his clasped hands.

He was a terrible Guide. He knew that. He wasn’t trying to deny it to anyone, least of all himself. And God knew he still owed Buck an apology. Hell, several. But…Buck throwing it in his face like that? That hurt. Buck was right, but it still really hurt.

If you want to be a better Guide, then get over yourself, get off your ass and take care of him. The voice in his head sounded like his captain.

Eddie nodded to himself and stood up, then stripped the bed. The sheets went into the already overflowing laundry hamper. He’d be running the washing machine all day tomorrow. Well, later that morning.

He put new sheets on as quickly as possible. His ears were honed on the steady fall of water in the bathroom, because Buck had made it clear he didn’t want Eddie unmuting the bond. The second he was finished Eddie jogged down the hallway to make sure Buck was okay.

Buck was asleep sitting up, leaning heavily against the wall.

Chapter Text

Buck opened his eyes in Christopher’s bed, listening to Eddie and his son arguing. Eddie was so upset it was clear even through the muted bond, like the constant, wild rolling of cold winter waves. Buck was pretty sure Eddie’s emotions were what woke him, though it might have been their voices. The two of them were trying to keep quiet—Eddie a lot more successfully—but the hissing, angry whispers carried anyway.

Buck sat up slowly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He didn’t actually remember how he got there, which was a little worrying. The last thing he remembered clearly…well, mostly clearly, was having finished washing in the shower after he’d let Eddie leave. He’d thought he’d just closed his eyes for a second, enjoying being clean and warm under the spray. And then he woke up here.

There was also some hazy stuff in there about eating two crackers with peanut butter, and then Eddie making him drink two glasses of water before he’d let him lie down. But, that had been in Eddie’s room, not Christopher’s. Except…

Right. Buck had woken up from a nightmare. Something about being in a burning airplane crashing into the ocean. And Eddie wasn’t in his bedroom and hadn’t slept there. The sheets were as void of a fresh scent of him as they were of his body heat. And Eddie’s side of the bond had still been muted, so Buck could barely even tell he was sleeping on the living room couch.

Buck had been hit by such an overwhelming wave of loneliness it had felt like the tsunami all over again.

He must’ve been so out of it he’d wandered into Christopher’s room and curled up on the floor, which was painfully embarrassing in the light of morning. And now he kind of remembered Christopher patting his cheek and saying he was getting up, so Buck could use his bed. And here he was. Fuck.

At least he was wearing a pair of Eddie’s dorm pants—something else he didn’t remember happening—because walking into Christopher’s room naked would’ve been kill-me-now territory. Bad enough he had no idea if he’d said or done anything worse than sleeping on the kid’s floor in the first place.

Buck scrubbed his face, trying to kick his brain into gear. He had no idea what time it was either. It felt early, but the sun was streaming at a slant through the window and he couldn’t remember if Christopher’s room faced East or West. He could smell coffee and what was definitely dough frying, but that didn’t mean it was breakfast time. It did make his stomach growl and clench with hunger. He was also incredibly thirsty, he realized, and really needed to brush his teeth.

The argument also sounded like one of Eddie’s and Christopher’s few bad ones, with a lot of hissing on both sides.

“No! I’m not gonna be quiet!” Christopher was definitely not being quiet. “You gotta talk about it! Now! I’m insisting!“ It was actually kind of cute, other than how legitimately angry he sounded.

“Do you want to wake him up?” Eddie snapped at him, voice barely quieter. Buck blinked then checked his own levels, suddenly concerned he’d lost track of them again. His hearing was a little hot, but that was normal for him when he got stressed. And lately he’d been stressed all the time.

He used his elevator and pulled it down a bit, then felt unaccountably guilty for not using dials. As if Eddie would somehow know and be disappointed in him.

At least with his hearing at baseline and the door closed, the ongoing hissing match was too quiet to make out anything more than the voices. Buck considered going back to sleep, since he was still more tired than he could remember being in his life. But he was starving, and his mouth felt like a desiccated sewer full of peanut butter.

There was a T-shirt folded neatly on Christopher’s desk, next to a liter-sized water bottle. The shirt had a Post-it note stuck to it proclaiming, “WEAR ME”. The bottle had “DRINK ME”, both in Christopher’s writing. Buck smiled to himself as he picked up the bottle and drank, grateful for the liquid and Eddie’s and Christopher’s thoughtfulness. The notes also weirdly matched how he felt right then too: so weird and off-kilter he might as well have been in Wonderland.

Once he’d finished the water, Buck pulled on the T-shirt, then opened the bedroom door as quietly as possible. He padded to the bathroom, sneaking around like a criminal so he wouldn’t disturb them.

The toothbrush Eddie had given him was still in the holder in the bathroom, which somehow made Buck feel even more guilty despite being grateful to have it. He brushed his teeth and washed his face, gave up on his hair, borrowed Eddie’s antiperspirant and then took a deep breath and went to the kitchen.

It sounded like they knew he was awake. “I don’t care!” Christopher hollered. Buck stopped dead in the hallway with astonishment. He couldn’t remember ever hearing him that angry. “I don’t care if he’s tired! He almost died! He almost died and it’s your fault!”

Well, that wasn’t fair. It also didn’t make any sense. Buck took another breath and went in. “Hey, guys. What’s going on?”

“Hey.” Eddie was dressed in worn jeans and a T-shirt, and his hair was a damp mess as if he’d walked into his clothes right out of the shower. He looked like a disheveled angel and smelled warm and clean. Buck kind of wanted to lick his throat, find out what he tasted like. He didn’t, because even if they were alone, he was sure Eddie wouldn’t want him to.

Christopher was still in his pajamas. His bedhead stuck up all over the place like a baby chick. He looked adorable and still incredibly angry.

The clock on the stove said it was barely past 8:00 am. No wonder Buck still felt like death.

Eddie’s smile managed to be warm, tired, exasperated and apologetic all at once. “You look better.” He gestured at the table. “Have a seat. I was just making breakfast. You’re up a lot earlier than I expected.” There was a messy bowl of pancake batter next to the stove, but the burner was off and there was nothing in the frying pan. Whatever he and Christopher were arguing about was obviously too serious for multitasking.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Buck sat warily. Christopher was sitting with his arms crossed, glaring at his untouched pancakes. “My hearing runs a little hot, sometimes.” Buck gestured at the side of his head. “So I heard you guys, uh, talking. It’s not your fault,” he added quickly. “It just happens. And, um.” He smiled sheepishly. “I was too hungry to go back to sleep.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Eddie said. “We should’ve been more quiet.” He tossed a narrow-eyed look at Christopher that said exactly which part of the “we” Eddie actually meant.

“I was quiet!” Christopher insisted loudly. “Why didn’t you wake Buck up and tell him to fix his hearing? You’re his Guide! Guides r’aposta do that stuff!”

“No they’re not, Christopher.” Eddie’s voice sounded even more tired than his smile had looked. “Not when it isn’t necessary. Buck was sleeping well, even with his hearing a little high. I wasn’t going to wake him for nothing when he was so tired.”

“You should’ve done it anyway! My teacher said!” Christopher thumped his little fists on the table hard enough to make his plate jump. “It’s like giving them a blanket! You’re just a bad Guide! That’s why he nearly died yesterday! You’re bad!”

“Whoa! Whoa, whoa.” Buck made a “time out” sign like a referee. “Time out. First of all, Christopher, your dad is not a bad Guide. That’s an awful thing to say to him.”

“He is, though! He is a bad Guide!” Christopher said. “And you’re a bad Sentinel! You said you were bonded, but you lied! You lied to me! And then you almost died yesterday! And now you have to talk about it!”

“Christopher, that’s enough.” Eddie’s voice wasn’t loud, but the cold fury in it carried like a whipcrack.

Buck winced. Christopher stopped talking, his eyes going big and round. And then he burst into tears.

Eddie swore softly in Spanish, but Buck was closer so he was the one who stood up and pulled Christopher into his arms. Christopher clung to his neck, sobbing.

“You almost died! And you ran away from us and I didn’t know if I was gonna see you again!” He was beside himself, crying as badly as he had after his mom’s funeral. Buck just hugged him and stared at his dad in horrified incomprehension. Christopher had been such a trooper the day before, and now he was sobbing his guts out over Buck? Buck was fine. This anguish didn’t make sense.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Buck said. He rubbed Christopher’s back, still wondering what the hell was going on. “But, it wasn’t your dad’s fault we were in the tsunami. He didn’t even know we were going to the pier, right? He thought we were at the movies.”

“No!” Christopher lurched back to fix Buck with a red-eyed glare of miserable rage. “I’m not talking about the water! You were sick from not bonding! You were so sick you almost died! And you lied to me about it!”

Buck frowned, even more confused. “I don’t understand. I wasn’t sick from not bonding.” He looked at Eddie, hoping he could explain. “I wasn’t dying. I was just…”

He didn’t know what he’d been, he realized. “I was dying?” he asked, small-voiced with shock.

“Yes!” Christopher wailed.

Eddie nodded. He was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, but it looked more like he was hugging himself. “Bond deprivation,” he said, gaze fixed somewhere near his feet. “It’s, uh…” He swallowed. “It can happen. If a Sentinel goes too long without bonding. And, um. Sometimes it’s fatal.”

Something that wasn’t fear or rage but somehow both at once burst into bright, terrible flame in Buck’s chest. “And you knew about it?”

“No!” Eddie shook his head wildly, eyes huge. “No, Buck. I had no idea.” For a moment he loosened his grip on their bond, and suddenly Buck could feel it: his horror, his sincerity and fear. Always the fear. “If I had, I would’ve—”

“What?” Buck snapped. “Made a full bond with me? Been there, done that,” he sneered. “Checked on me even once after you got me kicked out?”

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Eddie protested. “You were never ‘kicked out’! You know that! I did that to protect you! If you’d gotten hurt, you would’ve—”

“I did get hurt! You just said I almost died!” Buck blasted him, then made a face in apology when he remembered he still had Christopher in his arms. “Sorry, buddy.” He did his best to find a smile somewhere. “Looks like your dad and I are gonna have that talk you wanted. But maybe you can hang out in your room for a bit? Cause I think this is grownup stuff.”

Christopher nodded. He looked exactly like someone who’d gotten what they wished for and just realized they didn’t want it.

“Wait,” Eddie said. “Let me clean your glasses.” He came over, carrying a lens cloth he got out of a drawer. He quickly plucked Christopher’s glasses off and cleaned them, then replaced them carefully on his face. He smiled. “There. Good as new.”

Christopher didn’t smile back. “Thanks, dad.” He didn’t look at him either when he said it.

Buck put him down gently and made sure his crutches were secure on his arms. Then he watched Christopher go through the living room and across the hall, making sure he got safely to his room. “Guess nobody’s eating this morning.” He was still starving, but also too nauseous with adrenaline to actually try to eat.

“I’ll bring him something later.” Eddie picked up Christopher’s plate and slid the pancakes into a plastic container, then snapped on a lid. He put the container in the fridge, carefully avoiding looking at Buck the entire time. Christopher definitely got that trait from his dad. “I didn’t check on you because you didn’t want me to,” he said tightly. “Which you made pretty clear when you broke our bonding and left.”

Well, that was infuriating. “How the hell could you think I didn’t want you?” Buck winced inwardly, realizing how that had come out. “Of course I wanted you to check on me! I was—” He gritted his teeth, catching the So fucking lonely before it could escape from his mouth. “You left me alone. For weeks.” That was barely any better, but it was too late to swallow it. “Everyone else visited me, but you never did. You were supposed to be my Guide, Eddie. How could you do that to me?”

“I’m not your Guide!” Eddie snapped. Buck actually jerked back. Hearing the truth of it out loud felt like being punched in the chest. “I’m not your Guide, Evan! How could I be?” Eddie’s voice had gone plaintive. “You don’t want me. You never did. You made that clear. You made that clear last night.“

“I made that clear?” Buck demanded, incredulous. “It was you! It was all you! What the f—” He remembered in time Christopher’s room was practically across from them. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how you broke the bonding!” Eddie was full-on shouting now. “That was you! Remember that? Remember how you got up and left? And then refused to even talk about it? Well, other than begging me to lie to Bobby and say it’d happened,” Eddie added, voice full of contempt. “You talk about being abandoned? Well, what do you think you did to me?”

Buck hadn’t used that word, but it fit. Buck had felt abandoned. He still did. “I never abandoned you!” he gritted, furious. “I broke the bonding because you didn’t want it! You didn’t want me. That’s what I was trying to tell you last night: that I didn’t want you to do it because I knew you didn’t want a bond with me! And I wanted you to lie to Bobby because…” He took a deep, heavy breath. “Because I was dumb enough to think maybe, if you didn’t have to leave, I could somehow change your mind. But then I got my leg crushed and you made sure Bobby kicked me out.”

Eddie stared at him in confusion. “Why do you think I didn’t want a full bond with you? Of course I did! I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t! I want to be your Guide. I want to be with you.”

“I could feel your fear, Eddie,” Buck said. He was too tired to sustain the anger anymore, and despair was creeping in to replace it. “Hell, I could smell it. I know what fear-sweat smells like, and you reeked of it.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. A headache was kindling between his eyes. “You reek of it every time you even think about bonding with me. You reek of it right now.”

“Are your levels okay?” Eddie took a step, reaching for Buck like he couldn’t stop himself.

Buck stepped back. Eddie retreated to the counter, crossing his arms again.

“But your mind was worse,” Buck continued quietly. “You’re terrified of bonding with me. Being with me. You say you wanted it, but that’s not true. It can’t be true, because you’re terrified. And…” Buck swallowed. “I know I’m a bad Sentinel—”

“You’re an exceptional Sentinel,” Eddie interrupted him. He sounded as offended as if Buck had insulted Christopher. “And I do want it.”

“If I’m so goddamn exceptional, why are you so scared?” Buck demanded. “What the hell is so frightening about being with me that—”

“I’m going to let you down!” Eddie yelled. He’d dropped his hands into fists that banged into the counter doors he was leaning against. “That’s what I’m so scared of, okay? That I’m going to fail you! That I’m going to mess up again and you’ll die!” He propelled himself away from the counter, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, before scraping his fingers through his hair. He left his hands on the back of his head, breathing heavily with his gaze on Buck, imploring. “I don’t want to mess up again. I don’t want you to get hurt because I make the wrong decision. You’re too important, Evan. That’s why I’m scared. I can’t—” He cut himself off, helplessly reaching for Buck. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please…”

Buck walked into his open arms.

Eddie hugged him so tightly it made all of Buck’s accumulated bruises sing, but Buck didn’t care. He was holding Eddie. He had his Guide in his arms. Buck couldn’t remember the last time Eddie had hugged him, or had touched him at all beyond pure necessity. They’d had Christopher between them on the ride home, and the instant Eddie could stop helping Buck walk, he had.

It felt so good. Like being safe. Like being home. Eddie smelled like home, even under his sorrow and fear. It was like the way Clara did, but different. Like downtime at the fire station, with the doors open and sunlight streaming in. “I’m here. I’m right here,” Buck said, because Eddie was shaking. “I’m okay. You saved me.”

Eddie shook his head mutely. Their bond was dark and wild as a storm. “I didn’t know,” he rasped. “I didn’t even know anything was happening to you. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be a Guide. I’m no—”

“Hey. Hey,” Buck stopped him, kissed the side of his head before he second-guessed himself. “You thought you were doing what I wanted, right? And…and I could’ve asked. I thought…I thought you wanted me to stay away from you, so I did. But, I knew something was wrong. My senses were going a little nuts.” He smirked, though there was nothing funny about it now and never had been. “I was trying to be polite. Bad idea.”

“Don’t do that again. Please. Please, Buck.” Eddie pulled away to look at him. His eyes were wet and he was begging; it made Buck’s heart hurt. “Tell me if something’s wrong. If you need something I’m not giving you. Please. Tell me.”

“I will. I promise,” Buck said, meaning it. He swallowed, pressed his lips together as he gathered his courage. “Don’t mute the bond anymore. I hate it. You don’t have to hide from me.”

Eddie blinked. “I thought you didn’t want to feel anything from me, because you didn’t want the bond. That’s why I was doing it. You apologized last night because we were sharing emotions,” he added, because he could obviously tell Buck wasn’t getting it.

Buck still wasn’t getting it. “I apologized last night cause you were feeling mine.”

Eddie blinked again, then his mouth spread into a small, unhappy smile. “Well, I guess we’re both dumbasses.” He closed his eyes for a second, concentrating, and then his side of the bond opened completely.

Buck couldn’t help the exhale of relief. It felt like being wrapped in a blanket when he’d been terribly cold. Like a door opening when he hadn’t thought he was welcome.

But he was welcome. God, he was.

He’d had no idea what Eddie had been holding back: relief, admiration, welcome, desire…and love. So much love. Buck had told Clara—he’d thought he’d known—what Eddie had felt for him; he hadn’t. This was…this was what he felt for Eddie. This was why Buck had begged him to lie, been desperate for him not to leave.

Buck had been pretty sure Eddie loved him, but this bright, molten depth of it shook him to his core. He could barely believe it. He could barely imagine he’d be worthy of it. But he couldn’t deny it, either. It’d be like trying to deny the sun.

“Eddie.” The name was a breath, a prayer, a plea. Buck surged forward and Eddie met him halfway. Their kiss was incandescent with the pent-up need and love now flowing unfettered between them.

Eddie made a soft noise that hit somewhere between want and joy, and their bond flared like embers reigniting to flame. And, oh. Oh, Buck could have this. Finally, finally. A full bond. A Guide who wanted him. An indelible connection to another soul. He felt Eddie psychically reaching for him, their bond rising and flowing into all the anemic, tentative places the surface bond barely touched. And Buck reached back—

Eddie’s side of the forming bond convulsed with fear: black as a pit too deep to crawl out.

Buck shattered the nascent bond with a thought, let go of Eddie and stepped away.

Chapter Text

Eddie cried out, eyes snapping open. He reached for Buck, his face and their bond full of his miserable incomprehension. All Buck wanted in the entire world was give in and kiss him again. He didn’t. It hurt worse than his leg getting crushed, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t do that to either of them.

“What’s wrong?” Eddie’s lips were pink from kissing, his bond sparking with confusion and hurt. Buck wanted him so badly he was practically shaking with it, but he stayed where he was.

“You’re still afraid,” he said, then had to swallow around the sudden hot ache in his throat. “You don’t want this. You’re terrified of it. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it in your heart. You don’t want to bond with me.”

“I do!” Eddie stepped closer, reaching again. Buck didn’t step back this time—he couldn’t make himself—but he didn’t move when Eddie wrapped his hands around Buck’s arms. “You know I do. You can feel it. I love—”

He was stopped by the raw, pained sound of negation that scraped out of Buck’s throat. Buck shook his head. “I know,” he said. “I know you love me. But you don’t want to bond with me. Don’t tell me you do. It’s a lie. You’re terrified of it.”

“It's not a lie!” Eddie exclaimed. “I told you why I’m afraid! It’s just… It doesn’t mean anything. I’ll get over it. I want you more than I’m scared of bonding.”

Buck gave an ugly snort of disbelief. His eyes were stinging. “So, you’re just gonna power through it, huh? Take it on the chin like a soldier?” He shook his head again, stepped out of Eddie’s reach. He was in danger of colliding with the table. He felt like his chest was caving in. “I don’t want a Guide who’s brave enough to make himself bond with me, Eddie. I want a Guide who’s actually happy about it.”

“I am! I am happy about it! I’ve wanted this for months!” Eddie looked so earnest, and, God, felt so damn sincere Buck nearly gave up, nearly went back to him and kissed him again. But if there was any happiness there, beneath all the misery and fear roiling in their bond, Buck couldn’t find it.

“I know you’re not actually happy with me, Eddie. And maybe…maybe the idea of letting me down is really the only thing scaring you that much. But, you already have.” He felt Eddie recoil in hurt and shame even before it showed on his face. Buck felt terrible for saying it, despite it being true. “You let me down when you didn’t have my back with Bobby, and you let me down when you didn’t even try to find out how I was. And…and I know I let you down too, by not saying anything when I should’ve. But that’s not the point. The point is, it happened. And I’m still here. And I still trust you with my life. Hell, I trust you with my soul.“ He smacked his palm against his chest. “But that doesn’t matter to you. You feel how much I trust you, don’t you?” He barely waited for Eddie’s small nod. “Yeah. But you’re still terrified. You don’t trust me. And I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to be bonded to a Guide who’s terrified of being bonded to me.”

“Of course I trust you! That has nothing to do with this!” Eddie’s eyes had gone liquid again. Buck couldn’t stand it. “It’s not being bonded to you. It’s not you. I told you! It’s just—”

“—You’re scared you’ll let me down. I get it,” Buck said on a sigh. “That’s what you keep telling me.”

Eddie stared at him, hurt radiating from him like heat from a burn. “You don’t believe me?”

“Of course I do.” Buck scrubbed his face. It felt like it was taking all his energy just to continue this conversation. He wanted to sleep. He kind of wanted to die. “You believe it, so how couldn’t I? But, you’re talking like letting me down and being bonded to me are different things. Except they’re not. If they were, you’d be terrified of being my partner on calls too, in case you let me down. But that’s never been an issue. So, maybe you think you’re just scared about letting me down. But you’re wrong. It’s something else.” His wan little twist of a smile probably looked gruesome under his welling, bloodshot eyes. “And I’m pretty sure that something else is me.”

“It’s not! Buck, it’s not! There’s nothing else!” Eddie tried to touch Buck again. This time Buck sidestepped like they were trapped in a stupid dance. “Evan, there is nothing else.” Eddie’s honesty poured through their bond like water. “I don’t want to let you down because I love you.”

“I know,“ Buck snapped tiredly. “I know you love me. I can feel it, remember? Love doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make a difference. Maddie loved me, and she left anyway. Abby loved me. She left anyway. I used to think Bobby maybe thought of me as a son. He kicked me out. Chim loves me like a brother, at least some of the time. But he didn’t want to be my Guide either. Love isn’t enough. It’s never enough. Not for me. I’m… It doesn’t matter how loveable I am. I’m not the kind you keep.”

“Of course you are!” Eddie shouted. “Of course you are! How can you say that? Damn it, Buck. Christopher adores you. And your sister—”

“I want to see Clara,” Buck said.

Eddie stopped dead. He even blinked a couple times, like what Buck had said wasn’t even in English. “Clara…the Guide?”

“Yeah.” Buck nodded. “I want to see her.” He did, with a sudden, desperate need that was almost frightening. It felt a bit too much like a hurt little kid wanting their mom. Well, whatever. He was hurt. And she cared about him more than his real mom ever did.

“Why?”

“She’s the one Guide I’ve ever had who actually wanted to bond with me,” Buck said. “She only didn’t because she’s so much older than I am. Maybe I can convince her to anyway. I don’t give a damn anymore.” Not that he ever had.

Buck hadn’t realized that was what he wanted until he’d said it, but, yes. He did want that. He wanted it more than anything. Clara had only said no because of her age, not because of him. She didn’t think he was frustrating, or terrifying, or weak. She’d never cheat on him. And he thought maybe she could love him, someday. Like her son. She’d kind of implied that when she’d said goodbye to him. And that would be fine. He’d be happy with being like her son, as long as she wanted him. As long as somebody finally did.

Eddie looked horrified. “You mean, you’re going to find her and ask her to be your Guide.”

I want you to be my Guide! Buck thought. He didn’t say it; there was no point. He nodded instead, absently slapping his hips before he remembered he was wearing the same dorm pants as the night before, not his jeans. “Where’re my clothes?”

“In the laundry. And your wallet and phone are somewhere in the Pacific ocean,” Eddie answered immediately. “Buck, are you serious? You’re just going to leave? You don’t even know where she lives…!”

“New Jersey,” Buck bit out. “But she was here for a couple days and she probably won’t be able to get an earlier flight after the tsunami.” He walked past Eddie to the laundry alcove, hauled open the door for the dryer. It was full of Eddie’s bedsheets. “Where’s my stuff?”

“In the wash. Buck, come on.” Eddie put his hand on Buck’s shoulder, let go immediately when Buck shrugged him off. “Buck, please. Don’t do this. We just bonded last night. I don’t…I don’t think you should go, Buck.”

Buck looked at him: the concern on his face, the abject sorrow and guilt. So many emotions were churning through the bond Buck couldn’t begin to sort them out. He figured his side of the bond was the same. “I’m done, Eddie. I’m just…I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick and tired of being put up with and endured, and I want a Guide who just wants me for once and I can’t do this anymore.” He started pawing through the clean laundry basket, looking for a pair of Eddie’s jeans that might fit him.

“Hey. Hey, stop. That’s all Christopher’s stuff.”

Buck straightened up, then tried to walk past Eddie to go to his bedroom. Eddie moved in front of him, and the blast of Buck’s rage at being trapped startled them both. “Get out of my way.”

Eddie took an immediate step back, palms raised. “I’m not trying to stop you. Just, can you listen for a moment? Just, a sec, okay? Just give me a second.”

Buck waited, seething.

“I’ve got a pair of jeans of yours you left here a couple months ago. They’re in my bedroom. I can get them for you. But, you barely had four hours of sleep last night and you didn’t eat anything. I can feel how exhausted you are. And, you’re still recovering from bond deprivation.”

“I’m fine.”

“I can literally feel that you’re not,” Eddie shot back. “Look,” he said on a breath. “Just, let me feed you at least, okay? I promise, I will help you find Clara and drive you there myself. I have one of her contacts on my phone. I’m sure he knows where she is. But, let me finish making breakfast. Please.” His smile was heartbreaking. “If…if this is my last chance to be your Guide, then please let me take care of you.”

You could have had my whole life, but you don’t want it, Buck thought. He didn’t say it. He swallowed. “All right.”

Clara hadn’t slept well.

She’d known she wouldn’t. She’d lived through enough New Jersey hurricanes to recognize that sickly combination of relief and adrenaline letdown that always left her exhausted but unable to relax. Coupled with the unfamiliar hotel bed, no matter how luxurious, and she was frankly glad she’d been able to sleep at all. Even the long conversation she’d had with Danny and Steve hadn’t put her at ease enough to help.

She was also still mourning the first and last bond she could’ve ever had, but walked away from.

The grief really galled her, frankly. Because even after a long soak in a bath the size of a small swimming pool, and an excellent meal brought to her at stupid-o’clock in the morning, she’d still ended up staring at the ceiling, tears running into her ears like a lovesick, heartbroken teen. She’d never even been a lovesick, heartbroken teenager, thank you very much. She’d been heartbroken about not being able to bond, back in the day, but she’d gotten over it.

Well, apparently not quite as much as she’d thought. Damn it.

She’d woken up just before dawn from a nightmare involving her son and his Sentinel. She couldn’t remember the details and was just as glad not to. There was no point in even trying to go back to sleep, so she’d just lain in bed until there was enough sunlight to make it reasonable to get up. She’d ordered breakfast and taken a long, indulgent shower, and then she’d eaten her wonderful meal. And now she was drinking the excellent coffee and thinking about what she would do for the rest of her life.

Clara had taken early retirement from the Sentinel Wellness Center at the beginning of 2014. It’d been necessary at the time. She and her husband were going through a nasty divorce, and her younger son Matthew had made some terrible decisions and had been on the run from the law. Clara still didn’t know the whole story, or what part of it had led to her baby’s death that same year, but those stresses on top of her work had been too much to take. Something had to give, and her work was the only thing that could.

But she missed it; she always had. And she’d realized yesterday she’d missed it far more than she’d even thought. She’d gotten used to not using her abilities, but helping Buck and the teens had made her feel alive and necessary in a way she hadn’t in years. She didn’t want to go back to missing being a Guide again.

The obvious solution would be to volunteer at the Wellness Center she used to run. They might even rehire her. Except…she didn’t want to go back to New Jersey.

Clara blinked in shock at the sudden realization, cradling the mug in her hands. She loved New Jersey. But, all she had there was an old, empty house and another cold winter to live through. The closest thing to family were the Avengers, and they were generally too busy to visit much anyway. She had friends, but nobody she was dying to see.

And, New Jersey didn’t need her. California did.

“Am I really thinking of staying?” she asked the room. Her son would have a fit. But they needed to rebuild the Long Beach Centers and restaff them, and in the meantime there were Guides and Sentinels who needed to be trained. She’d already met four. Six if she included Buck and Eddie. And she was certain there were far more who would need help. Help Clara was exceptionally qualified to give.

It was the right decision. Clara could tell because her heart was hammering as much in fear as excitement. She’d felt the same way when she’d applied for Guide Counselor training, and when she’d started her first shift, and each time she’d chosen to get pregnant. All her best decisions had thrilled and scared her. She’d missed that feeling too.

She may have lost her only chance to bond, but she was still a Guide. And years ago she’d decided her lack of compatibility with any Sentinel was a blessing in disguise, because it meant she could help all of them. She’d taken that as her calling and she’d loved it. Until Buck, she’d never looked back.

It was time to start looking forward again. Clara still had her calling, and there was work to do. And she wanted to do it. She wanted to do it more than she’d wanted anything in a very long time.

She was elatedly trying to decide if she should call the Trenton Sentinel-Guide Center about getting herself reinstated, or the one in Sacramento, when JARVIS’s private number rang on her phone. It was a new Stark phone that had been waiting for her at the concierge desk, along with a Stark Industries corporate card with her name on it. There had also a bottle of Champagne and a note saying, For our honorary mom. So happy you’re still here! Next time, go to the fucking movies! It was signed on behalf of all the Avengers. Clara may have cried in front of the sweet young woman at the desk, who was very kind about it.

It was a very nice phone, but Clara had no idea why Tony’s AI would be calling just before nine in the morning. Her first thought was something had happened to Danny or his Steve, and then, that something had happened to Buck. “Hello?” she answered, trying to keep her heart out of her throat.

“Good morning, Guide Williams. My apologies if I disturbed you,” JARVIS said.

His mechanical voice was measured and ordinarily pleasant, so Clara relaxed a bit. “You didn’t disturb me at all, JARVIS, I’ve actually just finished breakfast. What can I do for you? Oh, and please thank Tony for the presents, though I think I upset the poor concierge by bawling in front of her.”

“I will be sure to do so, Guide Williams. And I assure you, Mathilda has seen worse. In any case, I am calling because I was contacted by Guide Diaz a few minutes ago. Sentinel Buckley would very much like to see you.”

Clara’s heart leapt in happiness, only to plummet immediately with concern. “Wait. You mean, now?”

“As soon as possible, yes,” JARVIS confirmed.

“Oh, my. Tell them yes. But, is he all right?” She was surprised he was even awake, let alone apparently eager to see her immediately. “Why isn’t he resting?” And why did he want to see her right then at all, when he had his newly-bonded Guide with him?

“I’m afraid I can answer neither question,” JARVIS said. “All I am able to tell you is, Guide Diaz sounded unhappy, but not alarmed. In any case, with your permission I will inform him you will be expecting them in approximately two hours, given standard Los Angeles traffic.”

“That’s fine, JARVIS Thank you. And you can give him my number as well.”

“Certainly. Do you require anything else?”

“No, thank you, JARVIS,” Clara said, but then, “Actually, wait,” as she did think of something. “Is there a vacant room they could use?” She could always let them borrow the bedroom portion of her suite while she stayed in the living room, but she was sure they’d want more privacy than that. Provided she could bully them both into staying long enough to actually rest. Buck would likely do whatever an assertive Guide told him to right now, but she had no idea about Eddie.

Well, she’d cross that bridge when she came to it.

“I shall inquire, Guide Williams,” JARVIS said. “Please wait a moment.” He came back less than ten seconds later. “It seems the smaller suite next to yours is currently available. Guide Diaz and Sentinel Buckley will have key cards waiting for them when they arrive.”

Clara thanked him again, and JARVIS wished her a good day and hung up. And then it was just her by herself in the palatial suite. Only this time she wasn’t wondering about her life, but Buck and Eddie’s.

This was not how a newly-bonded pair should behave. Not even with just a surface bond. They should have been holed up somewhere comfortable, familiar and safe, letting their new connection settle. At the absolute least Buck should have been resting, preferably with his Guide. Didn’t he want to?

Why wouldn’t he want to? Why on Earth would Buck rather be with her?

There was absolutely no good answer to that. None. Every scenario Clara came up with only ranged from bad to worse. Even if Buck just wanted to say goodbye, he could have waited. He should have wanted to wait. No Sentinel in their right mind would pick a virtual stranger over their newly-bonded Guide.

Clara closed her eyes and let out a long breath, rubbing her forehead. Buck wasn’t in his right mind. Of course not. He’d been suffering from bond deprivation for months, then survived a tsunami, and then avoided death by the skin of his teeth. Via a surface bond less than eight hours old.

What the hell was Buck’s Guide thinking, bringing him all the way out here?

“Oh, I really am gonna kick his ass,” Clara growled. “What the hell could be so important, he wouldn’t—”

She froze. “Oh, shit.” Because she could only think of one reason Eddie might have decided was important enough to bring Buck all the way out here: If Buck wanted a new Guide.

“Oh, no. Oh, fuck.“ Clara sprang out of her chair, started pacing.

She could never be the right Guide for Buck. Nothing would change that. She had to refuse him again, even if it broke his heart. Even if it broke hers. It was for his own good. He was in no shape to be making those kinds of decisions anyway.

And he’d wanted Eddie. She’d heard it in his voice; felt it every time she’d been in his head. She was shelter in the cold, a port in a storm. Eddie Diaz was Buck’s everything.

Even if he’d made the astonishingly bad choice of dragging his exhausted, barely-stabilized Sentinel through a two-hour drive. Eddie probably hadn’t been thinking much beyond trying to be a good Guide by doing what his Sentinel wanted. Except right now Buck didn’t need to be indulged, he needed a fucking nap. Preferably cuddling his Guide with their bond flowing between them.

Clara stopped pacing and spread her arms. “How could you not know that, Eddie?” she demanded of the room in general. “How could your training be so goddamn bad…”

She stopped again, blinking at the far wall. “JARVIS?”

The phone pinged discreetly to life. “Yes, Guide Williams?”

“Did Guide Diaz get his training from one of the Sentinel-Guide Centers infiltrated by Hydra?”

“I do not believe so,” JARVIS responded relievingly quickly. “He spent his childhood in El Paso, Texas, which is not known for a Hydra presence. He received Guide training from the army, after coming online during his first tour of duty in Afghanistan.”

“The army?” Clara asked, then she slapped her hand over her mouth and started laughing.

Well, that explained everything. It wasn’t actually funny, though. It was tragic. It was incredibly, horribly tragic.

Because Clara absolutely understood how an army-trained Guide might think taking his Sentinel on a two-hour drive was more important than making him sleep. Eddie was doing the best he could with what he had, which was pathetically little. He probably even knew it was a bad idea. But no one had ever told him, sometimes he had the obligation—hell, he had the right—to say, “No”.

Well, no one before now. Because Clara was definitely going to. And she wouldn’t even kick his ass, since he didn’t deserve it.

She might smack them both upside the head for being dumbasses, though. But with love.

Chapter Text

Clara felt Buck’s and Eddie’s presence coming down the hallway a few seconds before they knocked on the door to her suite.

Buck and Eddie were both radiating sadness and anger, on top of despair and just a tad of mutual resentment to keep things interesting. Eddie was also jealous as hell. And Buck was practically vibrating with the same frantic hope as a drowning man grasping at straws.

Their bond was…all right. It was solid and well-formed, nothing precarious or fragile. But it was deep indigo like a bad bruise, twisting and writhing painfully. That couldn’t have been comfortable for either of them.

Her son Danny would have probably rolled his eyes and said something like this was going to be the best fucking morning ever. Clara just girded her loins and opened the door.

Eddie was in the lead, Buck was a little behind and to his left. Eddie looked like he was about to be executed, but trying to be dignified for posterity. Buck looked like part of his soul had been washed out to sea.

Yeah, this was going to be the best fucking morning ever.

“Please, come in.” She stood aside and pulled the door wider, ushering them into the room. She’d barely let the handle go before Buck hugged her. She rubbed his back while he grounded himself on her, murmuring soothing nonsense and projecting calm. She didn’t need to lower her shields to be aware of Eddie’s tension ratcheting up like a tightening spring.

The fact Buck was grounding himself on her with his Guide quietly losing his mind right next to him was so many kinds of wrong Clara didn’t know where to start. It felt like Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers all over again, only then a bond had solved everything. Now, other than Buck’s survival, it seemed like their bond had made everything worse.

Buck gave her jaw a delicate little swipe with his tongue, then stepped back with his cheeks going pink. His gaze slid to Eddie, who was determinedly looking out the window like he wouldn’t care if he just tried hard enough.

Clara really did want to smack the two of them. But she also wanted to wrap them in blankets. Or maybe a giant “Get Along” shirt.

She settled for taking a deep breath, then snapping her fingers and pointing to the couch. “Sit.”

They both blinked at her, but sat. With at least three feet of space between them. God help her.

“All right,” she started, not sitting. “I don’t have to be a Guide to know something has gone very badly wrong with your bonding. But I am a Guide, and I can feel it, too. Your heads are like two roosters fighting in a flour sack. So, spill. You first.” She pointed at Eddie.

Eddie’s eyes widened like a kid caught without the answer at school. “Buck thinks I don’t want him.”

“He doesn’t want me.” Buck was sitting with his hands clenched next to him on the couch. His body was canted forward, like any second he was going to leap up and run off with her. “He’s terrified of bonding with me. Like I told you. We tried for a full bond again this morning and it was just as bad as before. I want to bond with you instead.”

Clara had unfortunately predicted that. Somehow hearing him say it still hit like a brick. “Buck, sweetheart,” she said, stricken. “We can’t—”

“I don’t care!” Buck cut her off with a shout. “I know what you’re gonna say: how I’m too young and you don’t want me to die in my fifties or whatever. I. Don’t. Care.”

“Oh, Buck.” Clara went to him and knelt with her hands on his knees so she could look at his face. His eyes were shadowed with exhaustion and bright with pain. “I know. You told me you can feel your Guide’s fear. It must seem like he’s rejecting you.”

“He is rejecting me!” Buck turned away from her. He breathed heavily through his nose, his jaw working. “Eddie can’t even think about a full bond with me without panicking. I know what that means, okay? I’m not stupid. He thinks he wants me, but if he really wanted me he wouldn’t be afraid. But he is. So he doesn’t. He can’t.”

“I do!” Eddie said it exactly like someone shouting at a brick wall but with no clue how to stop. “I told you so many times. I’m not scared of you, or being bonded with you. I’m scared of letting you down! And if you’d just—”

Buck snapped his head around. “Shut up! I know it’s not that. I can feel it! It’s me, alright? I know it is!” He wiped angrily at the tears in his eyes, then looked at Clara. “You’re the only Guide who ever really wanted me. The only one. So, please. Please let me be your Sentinel. I’ll move to New Jersey. I don’t care.” He choked out a miserable, wet laugh. “They need firefighters in New Jersey, right?”

“Buck,” Clara said.

“No.” Buck shook his head, smeared more tears off his cheek with the side of his hand. “Don’t reject me too. Please. Not you too. I can’t…” His breath hitched. “I don’t care how old you are. I don’t want to live like this. I can’t do this anymore.” His next breath was cut on a sob. “I’d rather walk into the ocean.”

Clara made a small, horrified noise just as Eddie roared, “Don’t you fucking say that!”

Buck startled, but then just gave him a tired glare. “Why not? Why do you even care? God, what the fuck did I even survive for? What’s the point?” He swung his gaze back to Clara, his brimming eyes dull as blue stones. “What’s wrong with me? Why am I even here if nobody ever wants me?” He turned away again, putting his hand over his eyes as he cried. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. Please. I can’t…”

“Buck.” Eddie reached for him, then just swallowed and closed his hands before pulling them back.

“Okay.” Clara stood. She cupped the back of Buck’s head, projecting calm until she was sure he was able to listen. Then, “Evan, get up,” she ordered, putting all of her Guide authority into her voice.

He stood, blinking his wet eyes like he wasn’t quite sure why he had.

Clara pulled her hand away from his head, then held out her palm. “Give me your key card.”

He did.

Eddie was slowly straightening, watching her with increasing alarm. “Hey—”

She shot him a quelling look and he went quiet.

Clara took Buck’s hand and led him to the door that connected her suite to the one next to it. She unlocked it and pulled it open. Then she used Buck’s card to unlock the second door right behind it, and opened that too. “Come on.” She tugged Buck inside, then pointed him towards the bed. “Sit.”

He swayed a little towards it, then blinked again and looked at her, wiping his eyes. “Why?”

“Because you need to sleep. And since your Guide’s not enforcing that, I will.” She pointed at the bed, fixing her expression into one that still made her kids nervous. “I told you to sit down. Now.”

Buck’s eyes widened in apprehension. He went to the bed and sat.

“Thank you.” She followed him, then apologized internally to her knees and knelt to take off Buck’s sneakers. She pulled his socks off next, dropping them into the closest shoe. She levered herself back to her feet. “Can you sleep in those jeans?” she asked a lot more gently. He just stared blankly at her. “Are your pants comfortable?”

Buck looked like he wasn’t entirely sure, but he nodded so she went with it. “Great. Do you have anything in your pockets?”

She wasn’t sure if the Mom/Guide combo had overwhelmed any lingering resistance, or if his still-functioning braincell finally recognized he was on the verge of a total collapse. But Buck shook his head right away.

“Perfect.” She smiled at him. “Can you stand up for a sec?”

He did. Clara quickly shoved half the mountain of pillows off the bed and yanked the duvet down. “Okay. Lay down and go to sleep.”

Buck sat and even lifted his long legs up under the blankets, but he didn’t lie down. He swallowed, his shadowed eyes big and worried. “Don’t leave?”

If there was any piece of her heart still intact after yesterday, that would have shattered it. She hugged him, thinking of how she’d once hugged Bucky Barnes like this five years earlier. The circumstances were even similar: Bucky had been feral; Buck was present but out of his mind. The awful, wrenching loneliness was also the same, and just as self-inflicted.

She bent a little and kissed his hair. “I’m right next door. So is Eddie. We’re not going anywhere, I promise.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, then finally lay down and pulled the covers up to his chin.

Buck was asleep almost immediately, but Clara waited, thinning her shields enough to make sure he was completely out before she left the room.

Eddie was standing in the doorway when she turned around. He didn’t look gutted anymore. He looked like he’d been hollowed out, nothing left but pain.

Clara wanted to hug him. She didn’t, because right then she was sure he’d feel like she was rubbing salt in a wound. Instead she waited until he’d moved out of the way, then went through into her suite. She left the door to Buck’s suite open a crack, and closed hers but left it unlocked, just in case.

“Why don’t you sit down, sweetheart?” she asked, far more kindly than she’d spoken earlier. “I think we have a few things to talk about.”

Eddie walked back to the couch and sat heavily in the same spot as before. He put his face in his hands.

Clara got them each a bottle of sparkling water from the bar fridge and put one in front of him on the coffee table. She opened hers, then sat down where Buck had been, taking a long drink. She capped the bottle and put it on the end table next to her, then turned and put one knee on the couch so she was facing Eddie’s dejected profile. “You know why I put him to bed, right?”

Eddie nodded. He lifted his head with clear effort, then picked up the water bottle, rolling it between his hands. He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I should’ve done it. I could feel how exhausted he was.”

“Yes, you should’ve,” she said, keeping her voice empty of judgement. “Can you tell me why you didn’t?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said, eyes on the bottle. “He really wanted you as his Guide. And…” He sighed. “I don’t know. It seemed like the right thing to do.”

“Did you really think I’d take him?” Clara asked, curious and a little concerned. “And you would have just…let him go? Let him accept a Guide who’d shorten his lifespan by at least thirty years?”

“It’s what he wanted,” Eddie said, like Clara was the one who didn’t get it. “I was trying to do the right thing.”

“I know,” Clara said soothingly. “He said he wanted to come here, so you brought him. But that’s not what he needed. He’s not rational enough right now to make such a major decision, and I think you knew that.” Eddie gave a tiny, shamed nod. “So, since you knew your Sentinel wasn’t rational,” she went on, just as calmly, “the ‘right thing’ would have been to ensure he slept. And to give your bond time to settle. He needed you to take control before he spiraled so badly he literally walked into the ocean.”

Eddie shuddered. “He would’ve. That’s…that’s why I got angry. Because he would’ve. I could feel it.”

“I thought as much,” Clara said. “But right now that’s physiological, not emotional. Buck doesn’t want to die. If he really intended to walk into the ocean, he had plenty of opportunities yesterday. But, he’s got nothing left right now. He’s hit rock bottom.” She let her voice finally express some of her frustration. “He needs you to guide him, Eddie, not indulge him when he’s not even in a position to know what he wants. That’s not why we’re here.”

Eddie looked at her helplessly. “But, I was taught to do that. Help my Sentinel with whatever they wanted.”

“I know,” Clara said. “And I know you’ve been doing the best you can. But, you wouldn’t give Christopher whatever he wanted, would you?”

“Of course not!” Eddie frowned, offended. “But he’s a kid, that’s totally different.”

“Is it?” Clara asked mildly. “If Christopher had just gotten over being terribly ill, and wanted to see his friend instead of resting, what would you have done?”

For a moment Eddie looked furious, then his expression changed to something defeated and incredibly sad. He slumped against the back of the couch. “I would have told him to go to bed,” he said dully. “Buck’s right. I shouldn’t be his Guide. I shouldn’t be anyone’s Guide. He nearly died because of me, and I just…” He shook his head helplessly. “I keep doing this shit.” He looked at her again. “You know why it got this bad, right? Did he tell you about his leg?”

“He told me his left leg was crushed in an accident, and he was in danger of blood clots from the stabilizing pins,” Clara said. She frowned, puzzled. “Was there more to it than that?”

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded grimly. “His leg got pinned under a ladder truck. After an angry kid planted a bomb on it,” he explained while Clara was staring at him open-mouthed. “Buck pushed himself incredibly hard to get back to work. Too hard. And…” He squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his forehead like he was in pain. “And I thought he was doing too much, too fast, but I let him. Because that was what he wanted. And…because I wanted him back at work too. I wanted him with me. I missed him.”

“Of course you did. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your friend back,” Clara told him. “And, you’re not infallible, Eddie. You weren’t bonded; it would’ve been hard for you to know for sure if he was pushing too hard.” She smiled sympathetically. “I only spent a few hours with him, and I’m already sure Buck is very good at carrying on like everything’s fine.”

Eddie’s smirk was humorless and bitter. “Yeah, well. It’s Buck. It wasn’t much of a guess he was overdoing it. And I was right, he did push himself too hard. So he started throwing blood clots, which meant he needed to be on blood thinners so he wouldn’t have a damn embolism. So he couldn’t go back to work, in case he cut himself and bled out. But, he’d been pushing himself because it was killing him, not being at the station. Not being with his pack. Not being able to help anyone. And I knew it. I knew it was killing him. But I made the recommendation to our captain to keep Buck off longer anyway. And Bobby took it to the higher-ups and that’s what happened.”

“You made sure he got what he needed,” Clara said, because it was clear Eddie’s guilt was killing him too. “I can only imagine how difficult it was for both of you. But you did the right thing. You did what a Guide’s supposed to do: look after their Sentinel.”

She still wasn’t surprised when Eddie shook his head. “Chimney—he’s the other Guide on our shift…well, you met him. He and Hen wanted Bobby to let Buck stay. Have him on light duties at the station. I could’ve told Bobby to do that, but I didn’t. I was too scared something might happen. I…” He trailed off, swallowing. “I was scared,” he said softly. “I was terrified if I said, ‘yes,’ he’d die. I was trying to keep him safe.”

“That wasn’t necessarily the wrong decision,” Clara said carefully.

“Yes it was!” Eddie snapped. “That’s the point! If I’d listened to Chimney and Hen, if I’d listened to Buck, he would’ve been with us. I would’ve seen him every day. Maybe I…maybe I would’ve noticed something was wrong. Maybe he wouldn’t’ve gotten sick, because he would’ve been with his pack. But I didn’t.” He went back to fiddling despondently with the unopened water bottle. “I told Bobby to keep Buck at home. And then I didn’t do more than text him every few days to make sure he was still alive.”

That had definitely been the wrong decision. Clara curbed the surge of temper. Eddie was beating himself up enough for both of them. “Why didn’t you?”

Eddie shrugged. “I figured he wouldn’t want me to.” He started peeling the wet label. “After we tried to bond and he broke it…And then after I…after I betrayed him by keeping him off duty...I was sure he wouldn’t want me anywhere near him.”

“Did you ask him?” Eddie shook his head. “Did he say anything?”

Another headshake. “We talked about it this morning.” Eddie’s mouth curved in a wan smile. He tore off more label. “Buck thought I didn’t want him, so he figured he should leave me alone.”

“Right,” Clara said on an exhale. “Both of you assuming the other one wanted nothing to do with you. Of course.” She shook her head. “At least you actually talked about it.” That was progress. “I can’t tell you if keeping Buck off duty versus light duty in the station was the right decision or not. What I can tell you is, your guilt over actually acting like a Guide isn’t fair to either of you. You didn’t betray him by making sure his physical need to heal got met. Where you failed him was by doing what you thought he wanted, especially without asking. You had to know he needed contact with his Guide to stay emotionally healthy.”

Eddie swallowed, then gave a guilty little nod. “You’re right. I just… I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already had.”

“I think we both know how that turned out,” Clara said.

Eddie nodded again. His eyes were wet. “I keep doing this. I keep… I used to be better. At least, I thought I was. Until—” He cut himself off, clenching his jaw. “It’s like, nothing I do is right anymore. I just…I feel lost. All the time. No matter what I do, it’s wrong. Someone gets hurt.”

“It’s not your fault,” Clara said, then nodded when he looked sharply at her. “I mean it. You feeling lost? It’s because you were trained so goddamn badly it’s amazing you figured any of this shit out at all. Seriously,” she added when his eyes widened. “That’s what I hate about how the army teaches their Sentinels and Guides. You have this insane dichotomy going on. First, you have the most rigid training to use your abilities of any of the branches, with no leeway for personal preference whatsoever. It’s all dials and masonry bricks, with maybe the occasional cinderblock thrown in as a bone for the slow ones. So you’ve already got at least half of any given training group stressed out of their minds, trying to visualize something completely unnatural to them. And at the same time, you Guides are tacitly instructed to give your Sentinels whatever the hell they want. Only you’re not supposed to ask them what that actually is. Because you’re Guides, and Guides are meant to just know. Somehow. Magically. Except you’re not telepaths, so you can’t.

“And God forbid the Sentinels tell you themselves,” she went on, fully aware she was ranting but too angry at the institutional negligence to care. Eddie for his part was riveted. “Because that’s not what Warrior-Protectors do, right? Having needs isn’t badass. So you’re all flailing around with your surface bonds, getting contextless emotions and trying to guess what’s going on in each others’ heads, and what the hell you’re supposed to do about it. And then everyone wonders why you all get discharged with PTSD, whether or not you’ve seen combat.”

“It’s… I didn’t…” Eddie blinked at her, clearly at a loss. “That’s not… I didn’t think it was that bad,” he got out finally, hushed.

“It’s that bad,” Clara said. “Believe me. I’ve counselled enough veterans. It’s been the same crap since the Korean war. The American Alpha-Primes have been trying to change it for decades. So, yeah. Of course you feel lost. And it’s not your fault.”

“What do I do?” Eddie was staring at her, clutching the bottle like a lifeline. “What do I do? I’m losing him. I can feel it. He’s slipping away from me. And I can’t—” He closed his eyes, fighting for control. “I can’t lose him. But I don’t know what to do anymore. How do I fix this?”

“You start by trusting yourself,” Clara said, keeping her voice kind. “What do your instincts tell you?”

He hesitated. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do,” she said. “If it were Christopher, what would you do?”

Eddie glowered at her. “I’m not gonna treat Buck like a kid!”

“And I’m not telling you to,” she retorted mildly. “But, you trust your instincts with your son, right?” She waited for Eddie’s reluctant nod. “Well right at this moment, Buck isn’t capable of making his own decisions. So, if it was Christopher in there, sleeping after being critically ill, what would you do?”

Eddie’s lips thinned unhappily, but at least he was thinking about it. “I’d check on him, to make sure he was all right.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead again. “My head’s all over the place. I’m probably giving Buck nightmares.”

She quirked a wryly sympathetic smile. “Checking on him is definitely a good idea, then. What’s your bond telling you?”

Clara wasn’t surprised when Eddie’s eyebrows went up like it hadn’t occurred to him to read his bond first, as opposed to physically going into the room. He went still as he concentrated, then grimaced. “He feels all right. But his hearing’s a little high. I’m surprised we haven’t woken him up.”

“The rooms are very soundproofed,” Clara said. “But it’d be a good idea to wake him so he can get his hearing down to baseline. Actually, I’d even put it under.”

Eddie’s face went slack with alarm, like she’d suggested suffocating Buck with a pillow. “I’m not waking him up to put his hearing under baseline! He’s exhausted!”

Clara blinked, unsure where this abrupt concern was coming from. “Yes…” she said slowly, “which means he’ll go right back to sleep. And he’ll be more comfortable if the noise isn’t bothering him.”

If anything, the concern on Eddie’s face got worse, edging into real fear. “But, he needs his hearing. What if something happens?”

“He’s right next door,” Clara said, still speaking slowly and keeping her voice gentle. She was certain Eddie had just been triggered, but she wasn’t sure by what. “You can use your bond to wake him, if you need to. Or you can just go through the doors. You’ll be able to keep him safe, even if he…” She stopped, brought to silence at the sudden devastation on Eddie’s face. “Oh,” she said softly. “You don’t think you can keep him safe.” It wasn’t a question.

Eddie shook his head mutely, his eyes filling with tears. “I can’t,” he rasped. “I can’t keep Sentinels safe. I hurt them.” He put his hand over his mouth, hunched forward with his shoulders heaving as he began to cry.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Clara moved closer and put her hand on his back, feeling his muscles trembling under her palm. “You’re okay. We’re going to work this out, I promise. You’re okay. You’re going to be all right.”

Eddie shook his head again, then hunched over farther, like he was trying to protect himself from his own pain.

Clara kept talking and rubbing his back, telling him he’d be all right, that this could be fixed. It took a while until his hitching breath slowed and he straightened, wiping his eyes.

She quietly got up and brought him the tissues from the dresser.

He gave her a tiny nod in thanks, then she waited while he wiped his face, keeping her hand on his leg and projecting calm.

He finally opened the bottle and drank half of it, then wiped the side of his mouth with his hand. “Sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize for being human.” Clara gave his leg a little squeeze. “I think that’s been hurting you for a while, huh?”

Eddie nodded. “I’m a bad Guide. I know that. I shouldn’t…” He took another shuddery breath. “I shouldn’t be bonded to anyone, let alone Buck.” He was back to fiddling with his bottle, focusing on it with his gaze inward. “Buck is my third Sentinel. My first two are dead.”

Clara couldn’t help her shocked inhale. “I’m so sorry,” she said, meaning it. “What happened?”

He swallowed. “I killed them.”

Chapter Text

It was hard not to react. Eddie had said he’d killed two Sentinels so matter-of-factly, like it was just the truth. “How?” Clara asked quietly. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Um.” He took a breath, rolling the bottle again. Clara waited. “I was an Army medic and Guide. In Afghanistan. That’s where I came online.” He glanced at her and she nodded her understanding. “My first Sentinel. Her name was Kemper.” He smiled, wistful and sad. “Anne Kemper. Anne with an ‘E’. She was…God, she was funny. Smart. Incredibly competent. She was a couple years older than me, but she came online late. I’d finished training as a medic before we met, but she taught me everything I know. She was my best friend. I was so happy I was assigned to her.”

“She sounds wonderful,” Clara said.

“She was,” Eddie said simply. “I would’ve done anything for her. I mean, we were taught that, right?” He looked at Clara again as if needing her to agree. She nodded. “But, I wanted to anyway. Except…” He knuckled his eyes clear. “She wanted a full bond. And, I would have. I would’ve loved it. Except, I was married. I had Christopher. And, things were bad enough, back home. Shannon had never forgiven me for reenlisting instead of being there to help. If I’d come home bonded…” He shook his head. “Anne wasn’t into men, but it wouldn’t’ve mattered. Even if the bond had been platonic, I knew Shannon would still feel like I’d betrayed her. Again. And I couldn’t do it.”

“That must’ve been a very difficult choice,” Clara said.

“Oh, yeah,” Eddie agreed with quiet vehemence. “It was…Anne and I had a really big fight. And afterwards she asked to be reassigned.”

Clara winced on his behalf. “I’m sorry. I’m sure that hurt like hell.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “It hurt. I mean, I couldn’t blame her. But, it did. We kept in touch for a while, though. I mean, not right away, but, after she’d been with her new unit for a while. And she’d bonded with her new Guide. Another woman this time. They were really happy together.”

“I’m glad she was happy, and that you were still friends,” Clara said, waiting for the disaster that had to be coming.

“Me too.” Eddie took a deep breath like he was steeling himself. “They were on leave. Anne was going to meet her Guide’s parents. But on their way there they were hit by a truck. The driver was asleep at the wheel. Anne’s Guide died instantly. Anne died a few days later. Sentinel broken heart syndrome.”

“Oh, my God,” Clara said.

Eddie nodded. He sniffed, then took another tissue for his eyes. “And…I know it’s not really my fault. I wasn’t driving the truck. I know…I know even if I’d bonded with her, there’s no guarantee she wouldn’t’ve died from something else. But I can’t…I can’t help…” He swallowed again, then clenched his teeth, pushing down his anguish. “Shannon ended up leaving me anyway. So, I could’ve bonded with Anne. I could’ve done it. And I can’t help thinking she died because I didn’t.”

“Things are always much simpler in hindsight,” Clara said. “I know how terrible it is to lose a friend, especially such a close friend as you two were. But your decision didn’t create that accident. What happened is on the driver, not you. And, you said Anne was happy with her new Guide, right?” He nodded. “So, maybe the reassignment was something she needed?”

“She didn’t need to die,” Eddie said.

“Of course not,” Clara concurred immediately. “That was a tragedy nobody could’ve prepared for. But you already said you know the accident wasn’t your fault.”

“I just really miss her,” Eddie said, voice creaking.

Clara gently pried his closer hand off the bottle, then held it on her thigh. “I know you do. She was your best friend. Of course you miss her. I’m sure you miss her terribly. But that doesn’t make what happened to her your fault.”

“Still feels like it,” Eddie said.

Clara squeezed his hand. “I think that part’s going to take some time.”

Eddie shrugged.

She kept her sympathetic grimace internal. “You said there were two,” she softly prompted him.

“Yeah.” Eddie swallowed, his eyes distant. “Greggs.” He was whispering now, like he was confessing a terrible secret. “That really was my fault. You can’t… It’s not perspective. It happened. He’s dead because of me.”

“I understand,” Clara said. She doubted it was that simple, but it was clear Eddie believed everything he’d said. She moved his hand so she was holding it in both of hers. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Eddie’s smirk was bitter and dark.

“You don’t have to,” Clara said honestly, “but I think maybe you should.”

“Yeah.” He wiped his eyes again. “Greggs was an asshole.” This time his smirk was full of irritated fondness. “No, not really. He was just, young. And trying to prove himself. He’d been online for about a year, but he wasn’t powerful. Like, level two. I mean, nobody cared,” Eddie went on. “It wasn’t a big deal. He came out of training with some of the highest marks, even if he wasn’t as powerful as the other Sentinels. But, I don’t know. He just couldn’t get over it.”

“Some Sentinels buy into the macho stereotypes, unfortunately. I’ve worked with a few of them,” Clara said. “It’s hard to help someone who already feels inadequate, so they won’t admit anything is wrong.”

“Oh, God. Greggs was exactly like that,” Eddie said, looking at Clara like she’d unlocked a profound truth. “He was always pushing himself, overextending his abilities. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I pulled that kid out of a zone because he didn’t know when to quit.” He shook his head, his momentary irritation slipping into deep sadness. “I tried to get him to…calm down, you know? Accept who he was. He was a great Sentinel. But all he could see was that ‘two’ on his abilities evaluation.”

“That’s very sad,” Clara said.

“Yeah. It sucked. I hated how he couldn’t get past it.” His lips thinned as he steeled himself again. “So, we’d had a surface bond for maybe six, seven months. Things were going well, other than me having to rein Greggs in all the damn time. Until…” He took a breath. “He was tired. I knew it. I think he knew it too. We’d been going for weeks, mission after mission… That’s the irony. Everyone kept asking for him cause he was such an excellent Sentinel. And meanwhile he was running himself into the ground cause he couldn’t see it.”

“What about you? A Sentinel’s only as good as their Guide,” Clara said.

“Yeah. I know,” Eddie said bleakly. “And his excellent fucking Guide knew Greggs was on his last legs. Except I let him keep going. Because that was what he wanted, right? And when I didn’t give Anne what…what she wanted, I lost her. So.” His mouth twisted into a raw, angry smile. “So instead of telling our commanding officer he needed R and R, I agreed we’d go on another mission.” He gave a tiny, ugly laugh. “Just one more mission, right? What the hell could go wrong?”

“I guess something did,” Clara said.

Eddie nodded tightly. “I honestly don’t know what happened. I mean, I was there, right? I was right next to him. And he was…he was looking out the window. Piggybacking his sight and hearing to warn us if there were any insurgents trying to shoot us from the ground. Like he always did. I could feel how tired he was, but…he was okay. I thought. I thought he was okay. Except, he couldn’t’ve been. Because, I don’t know. Maybe he zoned. Or, fell asleep and I somehow missed it. Because all of a sudden there’s this explosion. And the next thing I know, I’m on the ground with my spirit animal kicking me awake. And we’re being shot at and Greggs is dead.”

“I’m so sorry,” Clara said. “That sounds like a nightmare.”

Eddie nodded distantly. His hand tightened in hers. “I didn’t feel scared at the time. I was too busy trying to get everyone else out of the line of fire. And…I think I was in shock. Because I couldn’t believe the bond was gone. I just, I couldn’t accept it. That Ryan was dead.” His smile was thin and sharp as a knife. “Everyone thought I recovered his body from the wreck out of this noble ideal of leaving no one behind. But I was actually trying to rescue him. I couldn’t believe he was dead.”

“Shock is common, with a sudden severance like that, even with a surface bond,” Clara said.

“That’s what I was told.” Eddie took another drink, then put the empty bottle back on the table. He started drawing patterns in the ring of condensation on the wood. “It was my fault. I should’ve looked after him, but I didn’t. I gave him what he wanted instead of what he needed, right?” He looked at Clara, his eyes filled with a dismal kind of hope. “And he died. I killed him. My Sentinel. My decision killed him.”

“That would be a terrible burden to live with,” Clara said.

Eddie nodded. “That’s why I told Bobby not to let Buck back to work. I was trying to give him what he needed. Because…because of what happened with Greggs. And then, when Buck was so upset…I did what I thought he wanted.” An awful noise nothing like a laugh bubbled out of his throat. “But it almost killed him. I shouldn’t be his Guide, Clara.” He said it like he was begging her to agree with him. “I shouldn’t be anyone’s Guide. I’m…I’m poison. I kill Sentinels. All I’ve ever done is try to keep them safe, but I can’t. I keep doing the wrong thing and I kill them.”

“I hear you,” she said, and now he nodded almost frantically. She was sure he was waiting for her to tell him he was exactly as bad as he thought he was. She could only imagine how long this had been festering inside him. “And I understand why you’d think you’re a bad Guide, and that Sentinels aren’t safe with you.” He nodded again, hunching into himself like a much younger man. “But I can’t help wondering, what would have happened if you’d ever gotten what you needed, instead of only thinking about your Sentinels?”

Eddie blinked at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you wanted to have a full bond with Anne, but you didn’t accept it because of Shannon. And then with Greggs, you agreed to another mission because that was what he wanted. But you had to have been as tired as he was. Did you consider requesting leave because you needed it?”

Eddie stared at her in blank incomprehension. “I’m a Guide.”

She smiled, because she’d been almost certain he’d respond like that, and it was so heartbreaking it was funny. “Yes. But you’re also human. You have needs too, and sometimes you have to meet them first before you can help anyone else.”

“I don’t understand,” he said, and it was painfully obvious he really, really didn’t.

“Well, let’s put it this way,” Clara began, thinking of how to explain. “You said you’d wanted to bond with Anne, correct?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said uncertainly. “But, I didn’t need to do that. I wanted to.”

“That’s true,” Clara confirmed. “But, don’t ignore the fundamental need you both had for connection. Especially for you as a Guide. A surface bond supplies most of it, but not as much as a full bond. Eventually all pairs feel that lack.”

He frowned. “So, you’re telling me I ignored a…what? Biological imperative?”

She shook her head. “It’s not an imperative, since you were able to ignore it. But it is a need. One you set aside for your wife. Just like you set aside your own need for rest because of what Greggs wanted.” She didn’t have to fill in the implications; she knew Eddie would understand anyway.

His eyes darkened. “You’re saying, I’d be a better Guide if I thought of myself first.”

She wasn’t surprised at the flat, angry disbelief in his voice. “I’m saying you’d be a better Guide if you thought of yourself at all.“

He tugged his hand away. “I’m a Guide,” he snapped. “We don’t have the luxury of being selfish. You of all people should understand that.”

“You’re right, we don’t have the luxury of being selfish,” she said. “But we have the necessity of making sure we have enough resources for ourselves, as well as our Sentinels. Because if we’re too tired, or sick, or unhappy to look after ourselves, how can we look after them? How can we keep them safe if we’re not?”

Eddie went completely still, his eyes wide with shock like she’d just slapped him.

“When’s the last time you felt safe, Eddie?” Clara asked, as gently as she could.

Eddie just shook his head, he blinked and more tears ran down his cheeks. “I don’t know.”

Probably not since before Afghanistan, she was sure. “You need to change that, Eddie. You need to get yourself help, so you can help Buck. You say you’re a bad Guide, that you’re a killer. You’re not. You’re a good Guide who was badly trained, who was never told he mattered too. Who did the absolute best he could with no resources and no support. You’re not bonding with Anne was a tragedy, and the accident was also a tragedy. But they weren’t related. What happened to her wasn’t your fault. The fault was you being trained to think your needs didn’t count. And Greggs…” She took a breath. “That was another tragedy. But he didn’t die because you failed him. He died because the army failed both of you.”

She took both of Eddie’s hands, looking into his big, troubled eyes, and he shifted so they were facing each other. She sent him as much calm and comfort as she could, and the absolute certainty of what she was saying. “You matter, Eddie. You are important. If you don’t believe me, believe your Sentinel. He was literally pining to death over you.”

Eddie shook his head, expression hopeless. “He wants you as his Guide.”

“No. No, sweetheart.” She squeezed his hands. “He wants to have you. He thinks he can have me. There’s a very big difference.”

“He shouldn’t want me,” Eddie said. “I don’t know how to feel safe. I don’t know how to keep him safe. I’m so scared I’m going to hurt him. The idea of bonding to him…of being responsible like that…”

“Eddie,” Clara said earnestly, “you’re already bonded to him. The same surface bond as with the other two Sentinels. You can do this.” She made sure her conviction was strong and clear when she let him feel it. “You’re already doing it.”

His breath hitched as he shook his head again. She let go of one of his hands so he could wipe his eyes. “I was so scared. All I could think of was Greggs.”

“But you did it. You made the bond anyway,” Clara said. “That was incredibly brave of you, to do that for Buck because he needed it. And, can I tell you something?”

Eddie nodded, wiping his eyes.

“If you choose to have a full bond with Buck, it will be so much easier to keep him safe. I’m completely serious,” she went on when Eddie frowned in disbelief. “Fully-bonded pairs heal more quickly from illnesses and injuries, and have greater emotional resilience. You’ll also have a much more complete awareness of his mental states, so it’ll be easier to know what he needs even if he’s unable to tell you. Though that’s still no substitute for actual communication,” she added pointedly. Eddie nodded. “You’ll even have a better sense of where he is physically in the world, even if he’s miles away.”

“I didn’t…I didn’t know that,” Eddie said, blinking. Clara wished she could have been surprised. “I mean, I was taught full bonds were better, but…It’ll help that much? Really?”

He looked so tentatively hopeful she wanted to hug him. “It will help that much, really.” She nodded seriously, making sure he could feel how secure her knowledge was. “A full bond is the best way to protect him.”

“I know he needs one,” Eddie said, voice rough. “Our surface bond isn’t enough. He’s stabilized, but that’s all. He’s not healed.”

“Not yet. But you can do that. You can heal him. You can keep him safe. I know you’re brave enough.”

Eddie grimaced, wiping his eyes. “He won’t let me. And he told me this morning he didn’t want a Guide who had to be brave to bond with him. He wanted one who was happy about it.”

“Your Sentinel’s world is kind of black-and-white right now,” Clara said sympathetically. “But I also heard you tell him you were frightened of letting him down. And that’s not quite what’s going on here, is it?”

Eddie hesitated, then shook his head. “I thought it was.”

“I know.” She squeezed his hand a little. “But I think, if you tell him what’s actually going on in your head, it will be easier for him to accept it.”

His eyes widened in alarm. “I can’t. I don’t want him to know how badly I failed them.”

“How badly you were failed, you mean.” It took a beat, but he nodded. It was slow and tentative, but still a victory. “You need to tell him, Eddie. And I do mean, ‘need.’ Did you know Buck had seven Guides reject him before you? Yeah, seven,” she repeated when Eddie’s eyes went huge. “He told us about them while we were walking to the hospital yesterday. Most of them were absolute horrors who didn’t deserve any Sentinel at all, let alone one as exceptional as him. But, Buck blamed himself for every single rejection. Even Chimney’s.”

Eddie frowned. “Chimney only wanted a romantic bond with a woman.”

“I know. And even Buck knows that. Believe me, it was obvious he’d somehow taken it as his failure anyway.” Clara grimaced. “Buck thinks he’s not worthy of a Guide. I’m sure he doesn’t feel worthy of being loved at all. He’s interpreting your fear through the distorted lens of his own trauma, because it’s the only way he can with the information he has. But if you tell him where your fear truly comes from, I really think it’ll help.”

Eddie licked his lips. “I can do that.”

She didn’t need her Guide abilities to see how frightened he was. She let him feel every bit of her faith in him. “I know you can.”

He swallowed. “I really want to be with him.” His voice was hesitant, like he didn’t think he had the right. “It feels…it feels like he’s pulling me there. To him. But, I don’t know if that’s real, or just me.”

“It’s real,” Clara said. “Your bond is still settling. You need as much direct contact with him as possible to help it along. I guess you were able to have that before, right?”

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded. “SOP was for the new pair to share a bunk at least twelve hours a day for three days minimum.”

Clara nodded. “That’s actually quite accurate. You should go lie down with him.”

Eddie glanced longingly at the closed door leading to the next suite. “I want him so badly. I’ve never wanted a Sentinel as much as I want him.”

She smiled warmly. “So, you need to show him that.”

Eddie smiled back. It was wan and sad, but also tinged with genuine hope. “Another need.”

“Now you’re getting it,” Clara said.

Chapter Text

Buck was still dead asleep when Eddie crept into the room, but his side of the bond was churning blue-black instead of soft, dark silence. His body was resting, but his mind wasn’t.

Eddie winced, sure it was his fault; a biproduct of all the shit he’d been talking to Clara about. Eddie felt calm now, at least. Not better, but…more hopeful, maybe. Not so lost anymore. There was a path out of the dark, even if it was still hard to see.

But he was pretty sure Buck was having a nightmare. Because of him. Because he was a terrible Guide.

Except, maybe he wasn’t? Clara had told him he wasn’t a terrible Guide, just misled. It was hard not to believe her when he’d literally felt the depth of her faith in him.

Eddie took off his shoes and socks and slid them under the desk, doing his best to send Buck peace and calm. He could feel it helping, cooling the fervor of whatever Buck was dreaming.

Eddie found the gigantic bar fridge and pulled out a bottle of spring water. He kept sending Buck calm and moving as quietly as possible, because Buck’s hearing was still a little high. He padded over to Buck’s side of the bed, put the water softly down on the night table, then gently shook Buck’s shoulder. He protected peace and calm as hard as he could, because Buck tended to startle awake.

Buck woke with a gasp anyway, but then saw Eddie and relaxed, sinking back into the pillow. Buck smiled at him. His side of their bond smoothed out and brightened, turning the same blue as a warm summer sky.

Eddie couldn’t help smiling back. “Hey, you.”

Buck’s smile widened a little. He grunted something that was probably a greeting, but his eyelids were already sinking closed.

“Uh-oh. Hold up. Not yet.” Eddie shook him again, then smirked at the grumpy noise Buck made. “Do you want some water?”

Buck made another grumpy noise, then sighed and pushed himself upright. He leaned heavily against Eddie, more asleep than awake, but took the open bottle when Eddie held it out for him. He drank half of it in a few swigs, grimacing at the cold, then gave it back. “Whr’s Chr’st’pher?”

“He’s fine. He’s still with Carla,” Eddie said, warmed by Buck’s affection for his son. He carded his fingers through Buck’s messy hair just because he could. “Clara’s going to pick him up later and look after him, so I can take care of you.”

Buck turned his head to peer up at Eddie, face scrunched in confusion. He was more awake now, his bond rippling like agitated water. Eddie might have gained some catharsis, but all Buck had done was sleep. Nothing had changed for him. “Why?”

“Because I’m your Guide,” Eddie said simply. He moved his hand to the curve of Buck’s shoulder, caressing the sleep-warm skin there with his thumb. “Because you’re still recovering and I need to make sure you’re okay. Because I need you to be okay.” He made his part of their bond as open as possible, so Buck could feel what he felt. “Because I love you, and you’re incredibly important to me. Because you deserve to be healthy and well. And to know how much your Guide wants you and cares about you.”

Buck’s expression didn’t change. His side of their bond sizzled like static with incomprehension. “But…”

“Don’t argue. Please.” Eddie shook his head. “I know I’m still afraid. Just, let me do this for you anyway? I promise, we’re going to talk about it. There’s…” He had to close his eyes for a moment, push everything back before it overwhelmed either of them. “There are things I never told you, that I should have. And I will. I swear I will. But right now you still need to sleep, and I want to be here with you more than anything. Will you let me?”

Buck looked wary and miserably uncertain, but he nodded.

Eddie beamed at him. He sent Buck his relief and gratitude, because it was too much to even try to say. His “Thank you,” was the barest start.

Buck nodded again, then pulled away from Eddie and lay down on his side. He was facing him, but when Buck closed his eyes it was like he put up a wall. All Eddie could feel from him was jagged-edged confusion and rigid, stubborn disbelief, as thick and strong as any psychic shield.

Eddie sighed. He carded his fingers through Buck’s hair again. “You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, aren’t you?”

“It always does,” Buck said.

Eddie wanted to tell him it wouldn’t this time. He didn’t. Buck was in no headspace to believe it. Eddie just dropped a kiss onto his birthmark, then went around to the other side of the bed. He pulled off his T-shirt and tossed it onto the decorative armchair, then emptied his pockets and put everything on the nightstand.

He turned his phone to do not disturb and put it on the nightstand too, then he climbed into the bed. He ran his palm carefully over Buck’s side, mindful of the bruising there. “Can I hold you?”

He felt Buck’s torso expand with a quick intake of air. “Yeah.” His voice was so soft Eddie barely heard it, but their bond surged with surprise, followed by something that might have been relief.

Eddie shuffled closer and Buck moved back, and Eddie slid his arms around him and pulled Buck’s back to his chest. He pushed his hands up under Buck’s shirt, splaying them against his abdomen. “Is this okay?” His lips were almost grazing the back of Buck’s neck, and Eddie could feel the hot puffs of his own breath when he spoke.

Buck shivered. “Yeah,” he said again, just as softly. There were too many emotions roiling through their bond for Eddie to parse out, but he could feel Buck take a breath like he wanted to speak, but didn’t.

“Tell me, Buck? Please? You promised you’d tell me if you needed something,” Eddie reminded him.

He heard Buck swallow in the silence. “Is it okay if I take my shirt off too?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Skin-to-skin contact is better, anyway,” Eddie said, trying to keep his voice even. Part of it was a sudden, hot flare of desire. But mostly it was the awfulness of Buck thinking his own Guide wouldn’t want to touch him.

Eddie let go and rolled onto his back, freeing Buck to sit up again and pull his shirt over his head. The bruises on his left side and back looked a little worse. Eddie ran his hand softly over them, feeling the heat under the skin. Buck shivered again.

Eddie pulled his hand back. “Sorry.”

Buck shook his head. “It didn’t hurt.” He lay down, and they rearranged themselves so he had his back to Eddie’s chest again, with Eddie’s arms wrapped around him. “Is that true?” Buck asked, “about skin-to-skin contact?” Buck had his arms crossed and folded over Eddie’s, his hands gripping Eddie’s forearms.

Eddie hummed in affirmation. “The more connection between a Guide and Sentinel, the better.” He kissed the knob of bone at the base of Buck’s nape. “How are your levels? Your hearing seemed a little high.”

Buck huffed in sleepy annoyance, and Eddie smiled to himself. He could feel as Buck lowered his hearing to baseline…and then feel his own tension rise in response. He slowed his breathing, holding Buck a little more tightly. Reminded himself they were together; if anything bad happened there was no way Buck wouldn’t know.

Buck was safe. They both were. Everything was all right.

“Eddie?”

“Shh, everything’s okay,” Eddie said. He kissed Buck’s neck again. “Go to sleep.”

He felt Buck’s hurt: so old and familiar it was like smoothed stone. “You’re always scared,” he whispered. His bond had turned rough as rusted metal with despair and resignation.

“I know,” Eddie said. “You’re right. I am. He kissed his shoulder, then the valley of his spine. “But I need you to trust me when I tell you I’m not afraid of you, or being with you. And that I will tell you everything, but right now you need to sleep. Okay?”

“Okay,” Buck said on a sigh. His sadness flowed between them like cold water. “I wish you trusted me too,” he murmured, but he was already sinking, exhaustion carrying him away. His breathing evened out as he relaxed, his bond going smooth and quiet as he drifted into sleep.

“I do,” Eddie whispered. He’d always trusted Buck; he didn’t trust himself. But he was trying.

He forced himself to copy Buck’s steady breathing until his own body relaxed. Then he let the soft darkness of Buck’s side of their bond wash over him, pushing away his anxiety like the steady roll of waves along the shore.

Eventually, he slept.

Buck opened his eyes to nearly-complete darkness.

He didn’t know where he was. Normally that would have freaked him out, but Eddie was snugged against his back and wrapping Buck in his arms. His breath was slow and even on the nape of Buck’s neck, and his side of the bond held nothing but the warm, soft flow of sleep. His heartbeat was steady and strong, when Buck stretched his hearing out to listen.

Buck remembered now. They were in a hotel room, the suite next to Clara’s. He’d been really upset and she’d brought him in here to lie down.

It was a little frightening to think about, in retrospect. He’d felt…not fine, but, okay? Mostly just tired. Incredibly, unbelievably tired. But he’d been so goddamn unhappy he’d told Clara he wanted to die, and he’d meant it.

But he was still here. And maybe he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he wanted to be, but he also wasn’t one hundred percent sure he didn’t. He’d lost his purpose and still didn’t know when or if he’d get it back. And without that…well. There didn’t seem a hell of a lot of point.

He expanded his hearing some more, then smiled when he could hear Clara’s heartbeat and sleep-rhythmic breathing next door. Knowing she was safe and near was comforting. Even better was how Christopher was also there. Buck knew the sound of that little lionheart better than his own. He smiled when Christopher sighed in his sleep. He hoped his dreams were good.

Buck was in a strange place, but it was comfortable and quiet and everyone was safe, and he was still stupidly tired. He thought about just going back to sleep, except he was starving again. And he really had to pee.

Buck sighed, lowering his hearing back to baseline. He hated having to move, but carefully disentangled himself from Eddie, trying not to wake him.

It didn’t work. Buck heard his breathing change. “Buck? You okay?”

“Yeah. Nothing’s wrong. Don’t worry.” He was sure Eddie got all of his melancholy through their bond, but there wasn’t much Buck could do about it. He pushed himself upright, already missing the warmth of Eddie’s body in the cooler air of the room. He found his T-shirt on the floor and tugged it on, then indulged himself and ran his hand from the curve of Eddie’s shoulder down his arm. Who knew how long he’d be able to have that, after all? The morning, whenever it came, held no promise for him. “Be right back.”

He upped his sight a bit so he didn’t have to turn on a light to find the door leading to the bathroom. He did his business and washed up, then drank several gulps of water from his cupped hands. He was still thirsty as hell too. He was just about to pad back into the room and see if there was at least any milk or maybe a candy bar in the small fridge, when he realized he didn’t feel like death anymore.

He blinked at his vague, darkness-dimmed reflection in the bathroom mirror. He felt…better. Not good or even normal—if he could even remember what that was anymore—but better. Like, for the first time in weeks he wasn’t in at least a little bit of pain, not even his leg. And he couldn’t remember the last time his senses had flickered on him. They were steady. He’d been using them, trusting them without even thinking about it.

There was no reason for that revelation to make him grip the sink and start panting like he was having a panic attack. None. He wasn’t afraid. It was just…it was….

“Buck?”

Eddie was in the bathroom doorway, still shirtless, hands on either side of the doorframe and his heart beating exactly like he’d felt every bit of Buck’s rollercoaster emotional plunge. “What happened? Are you all right?”

Buck nodded numbly, still staring wide-eyed at his reflection. “We…we’re bonded,” he said, like he’d somehow only just realized it.

“Yeah. It, uh.” Eddie let go of the doorframe and stepped into the room. He licked his lips, reaching slowly for Buck like he was worried he’d spook. “I made a surface bond with you at the field hospital. To, uh, keep you alive.” He settled his nearer hand on Buck’s bicep. “You remember that, right? We tried to make a full bond yesterday morning?”

That was yesterday? “I remember it,” Buck said quickly. That wasn’t the problem. There wasn’t a problem. He didn’t know what the problem was. He wrenched his gaze away from his own startled expression. Eddie’s eyes were dark and welcoming, like a safe place to rest. “I-I’ve had a surface bond before.”

“I know.” Eddie came closer. His hand on Buck’s arm was an anchor, tethering him to the Earth. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I haven’t,” Buck said nonsensically. “It’s just…” He swallowed. “I feel better.”

Eddie’s mouth curved into one of his beautiful smiles. “That’s great. I’m so glad.” He squeezed Buck’s arm a bit, still smiling, only to have it slide away when Buck didn’t smile back. “Is that…a bad thing?”

Buck shook his head. His heart was still pounding. “No! No. It’s…” He took a few, too-fast breaths. “It’s good. I just…” Another couple breaths. “I didn’t think it’d work.”

He hadn’t. Somewhere, deep down, he’d expected to wake up feeling like death again. Like he had the day before, and the day before that. And to keep feeling like death, forever. Just getting incrementally worse. But he hadn’t actually realized he’d expected to feel worse until he suddenly didn’t.

“Didn’t think what would work?” Eddie’s brow furrowed, then widened with sudden understanding. And then he just looked sad and Buck could feel it. “You mean, the bonding. You didn’t think it’d work because of me.”

“No.” Buck shook his head. “Because of me. Because…” He trailed off, watching the slow collapse of Eddie’s expression; felt Eddie’s sadness like ink in water.

“Because I don’t want you,” Eddie finished for him.

“Yeah,” Buck said honestly. “Because there’s something wrong with me.”

Eddie turned his face away for a moment, closing his eyes. Buck could see the muscles in his jaw twitch before he pulled in a deep breath and looked back. “It worked, Buck. You feel better. So…so what if there’s nothing wrong with you? What if there’s nothing wrong with either of us?”

“There isn’t anything wrong with you,” Buck said.

“Or you,” Eddie insisted. He dragged his hand up to Buck’s shoulder, nestled his palm at the curve of his neck. “What if I want you just as much as I say I do? Just as much as you can feel I do?” He looked at Buck, his eyes big and guileless, waiting for an answer.

“I…” Buck swallowed. “I don’t know.” It was too good. Almost impossible to imagine. If he hadn’t felt Eddie’s sincerity Buck might not have believed it could happen at all. “I’d be happy.”

Eddie’s mouth spread into a small, wistful smile, so full of tenderness it made Buck’s heart ache. “What if you can be happy?” Eddie took a step forward, caressing Buck’s neck with his thumb. “What if this really isn’t me just…just deluding myself, or whatever you’ve convinced yourself it is?” He cupped Buck’s face with his other hand. “What if you’re worth being brave for?” Another step, and they were breathing the same air. “What if you are the keeping kind? What if I want to keep you forever?”

Buck opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His words were gone, sucked away when Eddie inhaled. His hands went to Eddie’s hips. Eddie’s bare skin was so warm above the waist of his jeans, like the heat of Eddie’s hands. Their bond sparked and crackled, love and desire entwining like flames impatient to burn.

“I want you to keep me,” Buck whispered at last.

Eddie closed the distance, leaned in and kissed him.

The noise in the back of Buck’s throat was longing and despair, tangled together like barbed wire thick enough to choke him. Because he wanted Eddie so badly. He wanted Eddie to want him so, so badly. But he knew what was going to happen—

Eddie stepped back. Buck was still blinking in surprise when Eddie dropped a chaste kiss on his forehead, then the tip of his nose. “We still need to talk,” he said. His smile, his voice, were as warm as their bond, still licking between them like fire.

“Right,” Buck said on a breath, shoulders sagging. He didn’t want to do this. He couldn’t imagine how anything Eddie told him would make any kind of difference. Fear was fear. Eddie was terrified of being with Buck, end of story. It felt like that Greek guy—Sisyphus—pushing a boulder up a hill forever, only for it to roll back down. They would always get to a certain point, but never farther. And Buck was just so tired. “What time is it?” he asked.

“It’s a little past four in the morning,” Eddie said.

Buck stared at him. “I slept seventeen hours?” He scrubbed his face. “Why the hell am I still exhausted?”

“I’m going to take a wild guess here, but I’d say a tsunami and bond deprivation,” Eddie said, the same wistful tenderness in his voice. He carded his fingers through Buck’s hair. Buck leaned into it. He was so undone by him. “This can wait ‘til morning, Buck,” Eddie said softly. “We’ve got time.”

Buck shook his head. It didn’t feel like they had time. It didn’t feel like they had anything. “No, we’re doing it now.” He ducked around Eddie and out the bathroom door, then had to squint and pull his eyesight back in. Eddie had opened the curtain just enough for the ambient light to cast a soft yellow glow over the room. It felt intimate and comfortable when Buck’s sight was normal again. He could tell how much Eddie was trying.

Buck made a beeline for the bed, but then veered towards the couch. Sitting up would make it easier to stay awake. And if this was going to end in a fight, he didn’t want to be lying down for it.

“Catch.” Eddie tossed him something and Buck snatched it out of the air, the swift movement making the bruises on his side hurt. It was a black hoodie with “ARMY” across the chest in yellow block lettering. “One of the parking valet people went and got my bag out of the truck for me,” Eddie explained. “There’s a change of clothes in there for both of us.”

“Both of us?” Buck asked as his head popped through the collar. He hadn’t realized he was cold until the cozy warmth from the hoodie seeped into him. But Eddie had known he would be. Just like he’d packed his truck with an extra set of clothes Buck hadn’t even known about. Like a Guide would.

He is a Guide. My Guide. They were bonded now, weren’t they? It was real. And Buck felt better.

Eddie had put his own T-shirt back on, and a grey sweatshirt Buck recognized as one of his. He hadn’t remembered leaving so much of his clothing at Eddie’s house, but he liked Eddie wearing his shirt. He liked wearing Eddie’s clothes just as much.

Buck watched Eddie go to the bar fridge and pull out two more water bottles, and then what looked like a takeout container from a high-end restaurant. Eddie put everything down on the coffee table, pushing one bottle and the box to Buck.

“I had dinner with Christopher and Clara in her suite. We got something for you as well, since all you’ve had were the pancakes from yesterday morning. There’s a microwave if you want me to warm it up.”

Buck didn’t need enhanced senses to get the mouthwatering smell of steak. The portion was huge, with potatoes and enough broccoli to make their captain happy. It would taste better warm, but Buck was too hungry to care. He shook his head, already cutting into it with the knife and fork Eddie handed him. “This is great. Thank you.”

Eddie had brought him food. That was, well. It was something he’d normally do, but it felt somehow different tonight. More important. Like Eddie was trying to show Buck he was worthy of him. Which was stupid, because the problem had always been the other way around.

Buck didn’t mention it, mostly because he didn’t know how without bringing up all kinds of stuff he didn’t want to talk about. Besides, Eddie started telling him about his dinner with Christopher and Clara, which was a hell of a lot more interesting than Buck’s issues.

“Clara would like to have breakfast with us tomorrow morning in her suite, around nine,” Eddie added while Buck was finishing his meal. He grinned. “She wanted to tell us something.”

Buck couldn’t help grinning back, despite how he was burning with curiosity. “What? What is it?”

“I have no idea,” Eddie said honestly. He shrugged. “It seemed like good news. That’s all I can tell you.” He laughed at Buck’s unimpressed expression. “I’m a Guide, not psychic! Finish your dinner.”

Buck rolled his eyes, but he still smirked as he shook his head, forking up the last piece of broccoli. “Fine.”

Chapter Text

“We still don’t have to do this now, Buck,” Eddie said, voice completely serious again. “It can wait, I don’t mind.”

Buck put his cutlery in the empty container and pushed it aside, then wiped his mouth on the fancy napkin. “Yeah, we do.” He took a long drink, his good mood evaporating. He could feel Eddie’s anxiety, knew he’d be just as happy to put this conversation off too. And Buck was tired. It’d be so easy to tell Eddie to forget it and go back to bed. But he wanted to get this over with a lot more than he wanted to sleep—If he even could with Eddie’s worry eating at both of them. He capped the bottle and put it down. “Just tell me. Please,” he added, because his own anxiety was ratcheting up, making him snippy.

“Okay, sure.” Eddie nodded, lips thinning. But then all at once he leapt up, grabbed the remains of Buck’s meal off the table, then put it outside the suite’s door. He put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door handle, and then checked about three times to make sure the door was locked before he came back to the couch. “Don’t want the smell to bother you.” he said.

Buck knew procrastination when he saw it, but he just nodded and thanked him. Then waited, guts clamping like a beartrap around the delicious meal.

Eddie sat down, finally. There was the entire length of the couch between them.

“Yeah. So.” Eddie ran his palms down his thighs. He was looking at the far wall. “I know I told you about my first TAS—my first Sentinel. How she left.”

Buck nodded, even though Eddie wasn’t looking at him. “You said she was transferred.”

“Yeah. She, uh.” Eddie swallowed. “She also died, after. After the transfer.”

“Eddie,” Buck breathed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said softly. And then he told Buck about how Anne Kemper had wanted to bond with him, and Eddie had wanted to bond with her too, but didn’t. And then about the traffic accident.

And then Eddie told Buck about Ryan Greggs, and how he’d died too.

“The thing…the thing is. I always thought it was my fault,” Eddie said after he’d finished. “That I was a bad Guide.” He glanced at Buck, who had his hand over his mouth, eyes enormous. “That there was something wrong with me.”

Buck dropped his hand immediately. “That’s not true! There’s not—”

“Because it didn’t matter if I did what my Sentinels wanted or not,” Eddie continued over him. “It didn’t make any difference. I couldn’t keep them safe.” He looked at Buck again. “I thought the problem was, what scared me so much I mean, was that I’d let them both down. Like I told you. Maybe…maybe because that’s something you can, you can fix. If you just try hard enough.” His mouth twisted into an ugly mockery of a smile. “I already had the just try harder! Do better! thing beat into me a long time ago. So…so I guess it made sense. But, it wasn’t that. That wasn’t why I was afraid. Why…” His next breath shuddered. “Why the idea of bonding with you scares me so fucking much I can’t breathe.”

“Eddie.” Buck reached for him, but he was on the other end of the goddamn couch. He moved closer, wanting desperately to comfort his Guide. Eddie’s side of their bond was blue-black and heaving, and Eddie wasn’t even a full body-length away but so horribly alone—

Eddie stopped him with a hand on Buck’s chest. “Please. Just hear me out.” His smile was heartbreaking.

Buck pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around his legs. Comforting himself because he couldn’t comfort his Guide. “I’m listening.”

Eddie nodded his thanks, then took another breath that looked like it exhaled his soul. “I’m not terrified of letting you down, Buck,” he said, slow and deliberate. “I’m terrified I can’t keep you safe at all. It’s not you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s not even bonding with you. I want that. God, I want that so much. I want you so much. But I’m terrified I can’t protect you, the way I couldn’t protect them. And…and I know that’s not true. Clara talked to me about it. She explained that what happened to them wasn’t actually my fault, it was the way I was trained. Like, like the masonry bricks. You’re taught to do things a certain way, even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if it ends up hurting your Sentinel.”

“You never hurt me,” Buck said.

“We both know that’s not true,” Eddie said, and his smile was so sad. “I did hurt you, because I was badly trained. But, I was convinced it was all me. My problem. I thought I was a bad Guide for years. And one conversation isn’t going to get rid of that. So, I’m still scared. I’m still scared out of my mind that I can’t protect you. That you won’t be safe with me no matter what I do. But I’m scared because you matter so much, Buck. Do you get that?” Eddie asked, eyes big and sincere. “There are two people in the world who matter more than anything else in my life. Christopher, and you. And I have to keep you safe, Buck. I have to. Because if I don’t—” He broke off, clenching his teeth. Buck could taste the saltwater glistening in his eyes. “If I don’t, I’ll lose you. And I can’t. I can’t.”

“Eddie.” Buck closed the distance, slid his arms around him. “I’m the Sentinel. I’m supposed to protect you.”

The sound Eddie made was too wet to be a laugh. He hooked his hands around the arm Buck had across his chest. “That’s your takeaway, here?”

“Not all of it.” Buck kissed Eddie’s shoulder. “You’ve always kept me safe, Eddie.”

That just got him an incredulous snort. “Right. Just like I never hurt you. I think the bond deprivation is pretty good proof of how badly I fucked up.”

“What happened was because of me, too,” Buck reminded him. “I wouldn’t trust you if I didn’t think you could keep me safe. But I do trust you. And you keep me safe every day. We keep each other safe. That’s why we’re partners.”

Eddie shifted purposefully, and Buck let go and moved back so Eddie could face him. “I want to bond with you,” he said seriously. “A full bond. I want to be your Guide. I’ve wanted it since I met you. But, I’m still afraid, Buck. I’m going to work on it, but…the fear probably won’t go away for a while. Maybe a long time. So, if you trust me, you need to trust that I want this.” He found Buck’s hands in the semi-darkness, laced their fingers together like he never wanted to let go. “You need to trust me when I tell you, I’m not being brave because I’m enduring being bonded to you. I’m being brave because you are worth the fear. You are worth everything. Do you understand that? Can you finally hear me?”

Buck stared into Eddie’s eyes. They were as black as night water, light reflecting in them like bits of stars. Eddie’s bond was dark and roiling with fear, but there was also love, glowing bright and warm like fire. And yearning so vast and deep Buck could drown in it.

But he wouldn’t drown. Because Eddie would keep him safe.

“I’m scared too,” Buck whispered. He knew it was in their bond, pulsing with the frenzied beating of his heart. “I’m not…” He let Eddie’s hand go so he could place his palm over Eddie’s chest. He heightened his touch until he could feel his Guide’s strong, beautiful heart beating behind his ribs. It was almost as fast as his own. He swallowed. “You said I was yours. You said you wanted to keep me. But I… No one’s ever meant that before. And I can’t… I don’t know how to believe you.”

“Let me make a full bond with you, Buck,” Eddie said, whispering as well. He let go of Buck’s other hand to cup the sides of his face. “Let me show you. Let me make you mine forever, and let me be yours. Let me be your Guide. Completely.”

“Okay,” Buck said.

Eddie’s eyes lit up with astonished joy, and his side of their bond blazed bright, bright blue like the heart of a flame. He leaned in, still cradling Buck’s face in his hands. The first touch of Eddie’s lips was soft, almost tentative, like this was something new. Buck understood that. They’d already kissed a handful of times, but this felt different. Before, it was just a possibility that was never fulfilled. This time was a promise.

Buck surged to meet him, slipping his tongue into the welcome heat of Eddie’s mouth. The sound that broke from his Guide’s throat was wanton relief, curling like smoke around Buck’s spine. He slid one hand up Eddie’s back under his T-shirt, sunk the fingers of his other hand into his hair. Eddie’s mouth tasted like home. He always had.

Their bond blossomed into brilliant light, flowing between them warm and blue as a sunlit sea. Buck’s mind, his soul, was flooded with light as the new bond flowed in like water, beginning to fill the cool, dark places the surface bond hadn’t been able to reach.

Eddie’s fear was still there, still as sharp and jagged.

Buck didn’t know if Eddie felt Buck’s surge of answering fear first, or if he heard the startled, unhappy gasp Buck couldn’t contain. But he pulled back from the kiss to lean their foreheads together.

“It’s okay, Buck.” His breath was quick from their kissing and the anxious speed of his heart. Their bond vibrated with his sincerity, echoed in the gentle darkness of his eyes. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I want you. That’s why I’m scared. Trust me. Please, please trust me and let me do this, okay? Do you trust me, Buck?”

Buck nodded mutely, entranced by the sultry touch of Eddie’s breath against his lips, the jumbled, burning rush of his emotions. There were too many to untangle with their full bond still waiting, unfinished. But the love was as bright and undeniable as the sun.

And God, how Eddie wanted him. Every part of him, in every way possible. “You’re scared you’ll lose me,” he whispered. Eddie had said as much, and Buck had understood it. It still felt like a revelation.

“Yeah.” The word was barely a brush of air. “Because I love you. You have no idea how important you are.”

“I can feel it,” Buck said. It was an epiphany. “I can feel it. Eddie—!” He kissed Eddie again, meeting in a messy, desperate clash of lips and teeth. He moaned into Eddie’s mouth, gripped his hair. Eddie’s desire for him, Eddie wanting him, rolled through Buck like a wave. It met and merged with Buck’s want and desire for his Guide, amplified and reflected it until Buck couldn’t tell where he ended and Eddie began.

He broke away, gulping air and tugging frantically at the hems of Eddie’s shirts. “Off. Take it off.”

Eddie blinked at him, dazed, then caught up with what Buck was doing and moved far enough away to let Buck peel both shirts off over his head. Buck bundled them into a ball, then pressed the wad of cloth to his face, upping his sense of smell to breathe in the scent of his Guide. It smelled like safety and welcome, with just enough musk underneath to send lust trickling like honey low in his abdomen.

Their almost-formed bond rippled with it and Eddie’s sound in response made Buck yank the cloth down to snap his gaze to him.

Eddie had one bent knee on the couch and one foot on the floor, hands stilled at the fly of his jeans. The light from outside reflected gold off his skin. He was so beautiful Buck’s breath caught.

He knew Eddie felt it, because his gaze lowered and his cheeks darkened a little.

Blushing. Eddie was blushing because he’d felt Buck’s admiration, and suddenly Buck was out of his mind with the need to touch. Buck dropped the bundle, then scrabbled at the back of his hoodie, no longer warm and cozy but hot and constricting. He yanked it over his head and then the T-shirt underneath, dropping them both carelessly behind the couch. He fumbled at his jeans, but got distracted watching Eddie strip: every lean, gorgeous inch of him being revealed. Eddie was so hard his dick curved up against his belly.

He smelled like sin. Musk and sweat and the coppery hint of blood so close to the surface of warm skin. Buck groaned, hips thrusting once in helpless reaction before he finally managed to get the damn button of his jeans undone. He was just as hard as Eddie, which made unzipping his fly a bit of an adventure, but finally he was able to hook his underwear with his thumbs and shove everything down. He tugged the pantlegs impatiently over his feet and dropped everything to the floor. Then he lay back, sprawled with one knee bent and his foot on the couch cushions, thighs spread and fully on display for his Guide.

He opened his hearing, matching it to his scent, listening to the crash of Eddie’s heart in his chest, the rapid tap of his pulse. Buck could hear him swallow, smell the delectably musky scent thickening, becoming redolent in the still air.

“Come here,” Buck rasped, so turned on he could barely speak. Their bond was burning. He needed to touch him, skin on skin, so, so badly. “Eddie. Please—”

Eddie growled like a Sentinel and then finally—finally—he was right there, knee sliding between Buck’s legs as Eddie leaned over him. Buck threw his arms around his back and pulled him down so fast Eddie yelped, but he muffled Buck’s smirk with his mouth.

Buck rocked against Eddie’s thigh, mewling at the friction that was so good but not enough. Eddie’s heart was galloping, the heady scent of him filling Buck’s lungs every time he breathed. It wasn’t enough. There bond wasn’t finished yet. It wasn’t enough. Buck upped his touch, his taste, wanting to be consumed. Wanting everything. Needing more, more, more—

Eddie turned his head, breaking their kiss. His side of the bond sizzled grey-blue, static with sudden concern. Buck whined and tried to catch his mouth again, but Eddie shifted his balance and lifted away from him. Buck cried out, clinging in refusal to let go. Eddie ended up hauling Buck upright with him, sitting on the couch with Buck’s thighs spread wide for balance, straddling Eddie’s lap. Buck nuzzled his neck, then kissed and sucked the base of his throat. The salt of Eddie’s skin was bright and sharp over Buck’s tongue, making him mewl again. Buck rocked his hips, each thrust dragging their dicks together in aching friction. Pleasure just at the point of pain.

“Buck. Buck. Stop. Stop. Stop.” Eddie’s voice was painfully loud. He had his hands on Buck’s chest, pushing him back. The pressure hurt too. It was enough to get Buck to stop, focus with an effort. Eddie’s eyes were two unbroken circles of black in the low light, full of the same concern shivering in their bond. “Your levels are way too high. You’re going to have a multiple-sense spike or overload.” He took Buck’s head in his hands, fixing him in place with those incredible eyes. “Can you bring them down for me?”

Buck shook his head. “It’s not enough. The bond…” He gritted his teeth, felt their bond flare wildly with his need and frustration. “It’s not finished. You’re not…you’re not with me! I can’t—!”

“Shh. Shh.” Eddie brought their foreheads together, calm washing over Buck in a soft wave. “I’m with you. I’m here. I’m right here, okay?”

“Then why isn’t it working?” Buck demanded, gripping helplessly at Eddie’s back.

“It’s you, sweetheart,” Eddie dropped a tiny kiss on Buck’s lips before drawing back so Buck could see his face. “You’re holding back. I can feel it. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it won’t. I’m your Guide, Buck. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave. You trust me, right?”

Buck nodded.

“I can feel it.” Eddie’s smile was beautiful. “We’re both a little scared, but we trust each other. And this bond is going to happen, I swear it. You just need to let go.”

“How?” Buck whispered.

Eddie’s smile grew, gained heat and intent. “I think we can figure something out. But you need to get your levels down first. One level at a time, okay? Nice and slow.”

Buck’s throat hurt when he swallowed, his saliva sour in his mouth. “I use an elevator. And—” He hesitated, then went for broke. “And I hate masonry bricks. I like Duplo bricks. They’re easier.”

Eddie blinked and Buck’s loudly-pounding heart froze. But then his Guide grinned, delighted. “Thanks,” he said simply, but their bond was full of his gratitude and pride. “I’ll remember that.” He gave Buck another quick, soft peck on the mouth. “But right now, what floor are you on? And where’s baseline? Ground or basement?”

Clara had asked Buck nearly the same thing; there was something incredibly reassuring about that. Like maybe what Buck wanted really was okay. “Um, fifth floor. Of twelve. And ground floor is baseline.”

“Terrific.” Eddie was still smiling. “Let’s bring everything down, sweetheart. Nice and slow. Fourth floor…third…” He kept two breaths between each word, slow as an elevator descending. “Second…ground floor.” He grinned, full of happiness Buck could feel. “You did so good.”

The praise was like light in his soul, and then Eddie kissed him again. He kept his right hand on the back of Buck’s head, glided his left down to Buck’s chest. He circled the nub of Buck’s nipple with the ball of his thumb.

Buck exhaled sharply into Eddie’s mouth, arching into the touch. His dick, which had flagged to only semi-hardness, refilled heavy and aching. He hissed when Eddie’s right hand joined his left, teasing at both Buck’s nipples. Buck gripped Eddie’s shoulders, trying to get more friction on his chest without dislodging Eddie’s mouth from his. He spread his legs even wider, hips rolling in deep grinding thrusts. Buck grabbed the back of the couch with one hand so he wouldn’t get shoved onto the coffee table when Eddie started to move with him. Their bond surged with the delicious, rising tension, swaying back and forth in waves.

“We…should…move…bed…” Eddie gasped out between kisses. He’d moved his hands to Buck’s sides, holding on for dear life as they ground into each other. Their dicks slid and caught in beautiful stabs of pleasure.

“Yeah,” Buck agreed, then let go of Eddie’s shoulder to gather both their cocks into his fist before sliding it back and forth.

Eddie moaned, kissed Buck frantically. He fumbled into the hot, sweat-slick space Buck had made between their groins, wrapping his hand around Buck’s. He squeezed, tightening Buck’s grip around them perfectly, sped up the movement until they weren’t kissing so much as panting into each other’s mouths.

Eddie ran his hand on Buck’s side up his back, buried his fingers in Buck’s hair. He pushed Buck’s head closer, kissed the corner of his jaw. “Let go,” he whispered, breath sweet and damp in Buck’s ear. “Let go. Let it happen. I’m here, I got you. You’re safe. Let go for me.” He tugged Buck’s head back, pressed his open mouth to Buck’s throat with just a hint of teeth.

Buck yowled, shuddering as his climax roared over him, spilling hot liquid between their hands. He heard Eddie’s answering gasp as Buck’s orgasm yanked him into his own. Their pleasure spiked and collided in glorious, chaotic joy.

Buck cried out again as their bond burst into completion, so full of heat and light he was giddily sure he’d be glowing if he felt like opening his eyes. He collapsed against Eddie with his head on his shoulder. Buck wasn’t entirely sure if he was laughing or crying but he didn’t care. Eddie’s arms were tight around his back, and Eddie was right there: in his mind; in his soul. Indelible. With him, just like he’d said he would be.

Eddie kissed Buck’s neck, the side of his head, murmured gentle nonsense Buck didn’t need to hear, because he already knew how Eddie felt.

He lifted his head and kissed Eddie languidly. Their bond purred with contentment, shining bright and new like a summer sky.

When the kisses changed from languid to slow and sleepy Eddie pulled back, kissing Buck’s nose in apology. He liked doing that. “We should get you cleaned up and back into bed.”

Buck grunted unhappily; the bed was very far. He could feel Eddie’s amusement even before he chuckled.

He kissed Buck again, this time right next to his ear. “Come on, Buck. We’re just going to get sticky. And we should get up before we ruin the couch.”

That woke Buck up a bit. The couch probably cost more than a month’s salary. He looked down at his hand and their groins, dripping all over the place. “Shit.”

Eddie laughed. “We’ll leave a really good tip for housekeeping.”

Chapter Text

They left a really good tip for housekeeping (as well as stripping the bedsheets in the morning, because sleepy Eddie was irresistible). Buck was also glad Clara was right next door, because they’d only just finished getting dressed and packing up after a shared shower and brushing their teeth (toothpaste and brushes courtesy of the hotel; being rich was awesome), and they were already late.

Their tardiness wasn’t entirely due to the morning sex. Partially it was because Buck had noticed his cuts and bruises looked like they’d been healing for at least a week, and he might’ve freaked out a little bit. Just a little, and it was a good kind of freaking out. Mostly. It was just…

He’d spent over a decade sure he’d never have this. Hell, he’d pretty much been expecting to die about a day ago, one way or another. And he’d never imagined Eddie could actually want a bond, or him, as much as Buck wanted his Guide.

And now Buck had accelerated healing, because he had a full bond with him. He’d had to do a one-eighty on everything he’d thought he knew about his future, Eddie, and himself. It was a lot, and it’d hurt. A good hurt, like healing, but it’d hurt.

And he’d still been a little surprised, somehow, when Eddie had come over immediately to comfort him. He wasn’t sure if it was more he kept forgetting he even had a Guide, or more he still kept thinking Eddie wouldn’t want to be his. Maybe both.

Except Eddie kept proving him wrong over and over again. Like, how he was there the second Buck’s emotions took any kind of dip, either in person or via a warm little nudge through their bond. Or how the change of clothes he’d prepared for Buck weeks (months?) earlier included soft, comfortable, Sentinel-friendly clothing. Or how Eddie had grabbed Buck’s T-shirt and the black Army hoodie off the floor, pulled the sleeves the right way around and brought them to him.

Buck didn’t think he’d ever get used to that, but he already loved it.

Buck also loved how Eddie had put Buck’s sweatshirt back on as well. Buck had already known Eddie liked wearing it, but now he could feel all the subtle shades of that like: Eddie’s comfort having the soft, well-loved material against his skin; the physical warmth; how it indulged Eddie’s possessiveness, because it proclaimed Buck was his.

Eddie was incredibly happy, just from wearing Buck’s shirt. Just from being near him. He was so happy to be Buck’s Guide it was like he was radiating light. Buck was pretty sure his end of their bond felt the same.

“Hey, you okay?”

Buck blinked up at Eddie, realizing he’d kind of spaced out tying his shoes in the opulent armchair. Then he couldn’t help smiling at him just because Eddie was there. He felt like an infatuated teenager. “I’m fine. I just…I still can’t believe it,” he said honestly. He smirked. “I’m really happy, and it’s weird.”

“I know what you mean.” Eddie put his hand on the back of Buck’s neck. “I can’t believe I was scared of this. That I waited so long I almost lost you.”

“I was scared too,” Buck said. He rested his hand on Eddie’s hip. He loved touching him. “And…you don’t feel scared anymore.”

Eddie grinned, though there was still a trace of melancholy in it. “I am. It’s still there. But, I was afraid of bonding, and now we’re bonded. So…” He shrugged, giving Buck a self-depreciating grin. “Now I’m just scared about fucking up and you getting hurt. But that’s kind of a constant, so…”

“You’re not gonna fuck up, Eddie.” It was effortless, sending Eddie his faith.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Eddie leaned in and kissed Buck before he could answer. That was probably just as well, because Buck had no idea what to say other than denying it. Eddie was the amazing one.

Eddie’s kisses were definitely amazing. Buck accepted them eagerly, greedily. He was worming his hand up underneath Eddie’s T-shirt, spurred on by their bond’s growing heat, when Eddie pulled back.

He kissed the tip of Buck’s nose. “Later,” he promised, a little breathlessly. “Clara’s expecting us, and I really want to see my son.”

“Oh, yeah! Christopher!” Buck quickly finished with his laces. He couldn’t wait to see Christopher too, show him how their full bond. It’d make the kid so freaking happy. And Buck figured it’d be nice to have a conversation with Clara when he wasn’t sick or kind of nuts. Also, he was starving again. And when he raised his sense of smell a bit, the scent of the food next door was really, really good.

Eddie also smelled really, really good. Buck was sure his skin would taste even better than a gourmet breakfast served by a five-star hotel. He pulled the sense back in before the temptation to find out became overwhelming, or they’d never leave.

“Hey, buddy. We’re done with the boring grownup stuff. Thanks for being so patient.”

Christopher looked up from Eddie’s phone, giving his father one of his usual enormous grins. “Hi, Daddy!” He was nearly submerged in the plush bed he was sitting on, propped up against the headboard by an insane number of pillows. Eddie might have overdone it a little, but he’d wanted Christopher to be comfortable while he, Buck and Clara ate. Christopher had been over the moon to know his dad and his Buck had bonded “for real.” But once that excitement was over, he hadn’t been interested in “boring grownup stuff,” so he’d had his own breakfast in the bedroom. “Look who’s keeping me company!”

Adelpha was next to him, curled up with her back to Eddie and Buck and her butt scooched against Christopher’s leg. “Hey, Adelpha,” Eddie said. He put his duffel bag down, grinning as he went to the bed to give her a pet. He was trying to be pleased for Buck without feeling sorry for himself.

He hadn’t asked, but when Adelpha had appeared at the VA hospital, it’d been obvious Buck hadn’t seen her for a really, really long time. If ever. Eddie knew how that felt. He was incredibly happy for Buck that she was here now. He just wished his spirit animal were there too.

Adelpha lifted her head, tail thwacking against the bed and Christopher indiscriminately. There was something much smaller than an enthusiastic Dalmatian nestled between her paws.

“Adelpha!” Buck went right to her, neatly dodging around Eddie, who’d kind of frozen with his hand on the dog’s back. Adelpha rocketed to her feet, then leapt onto her hindlegs to fling her forepaws over Buck’s shoulders and lick his face, whining like a puppy with her tail whipping back and forth.

The smaller animal startled upright, his big, oval-shaped ears jerking straight up. He gave himself a quick shake, nose twitching.

“Jack?” Eddie said. His throat was suddenly too tight to speak above a whisper. The jackrabbit looked at him, ears perked and nose twitching.

Buck and Adelpha stopped their playful tussling and she dropped back to all fours. Even Christopher had gone completely still, watching his father trying not to lose it over a small, grey-brown hare.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?” Christopher asked him. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not,” Eddie said. Though, yeah, he was tearing up a bit. He knuckled his eyes clear quickly, in case the jackrabbit disappeared while he wasn’t watching. “I just haven’t seen Jack in a really long time. I didn’t think he was going to come back.”

“I guess he did cause we’re bonded,” Buck said.

Eddie nodded absently. That didn’t always matter, he knew. He hadn’t expected it to matter now. Eddie had just assumed Jack hadn’t wanted anything to do with him, because he was a bad Guide.

But, he wasn’t a bad Guide; he never had been. And maybe Jack had just been waiting for Eddie to realize it.

Eddie got his shock-numb body to extend his hand, scarcely breathing as the jackrabbit hopped to him. Jack moved slowly, like Eddie was the creature prone to spook at quick movements. Hell, right then that felt pretty apt.

Jack sniffed his fingers, little nose bobbing delicately, then took one hop closer and licked Eddie’s hand.

Eddie slapped his other hand over his mouth, not quite fast enough to stifle the sob. Jack hopped closer still, ducking his head under Eddie’s palm. Eddie petted him, barely daring to do more than skim along Jack’s forehead and ears with his fingertips.

The jackrabbit made a soft, grinding noise, like he was rubbing his teeth together.

“It’s okay,” Buck said when Eddie whipped his hand away in concern. His voice was almost as soft as the sounds Jack was making. He let go of Adelpha long enough to gently take Eddie’s trembling hand and put it on the jackrabbit’s back. “That’s a good noise, like when cats purr.”

“H-how do you know?” Eddie breathed, but he stared petting Jack again.

“I like learning stuff,” Buck said, shrugging. Then, “Did you really call your spirit animal ‘Jack’ because he’s a jackrabbit? Seriously?”

Christopher giggled. Eddie chuckled too, relaxing, which had likely been exactly why Buck had asked the question. “Yeah,” he admitted. He swallowed. “But, uh, it was the first thing that popped into my head when I met him, and then I couldn’t think of anything else.”

Buck nodded. “I read that happens a lot, when people meet their spirit animals. You just immediately know what to name them. I found Adelpha’s name first, though.” He’d been petting her nearly the whole time, fingers moving around the base of her ears. “I wanted a name that would show her how important she was to me, even though I’d never met her.” He smiled down at his dog, who opened her mouth in a doggy grin, tail still wagging. “I knew she’d be a girl, so I chose ‘Adelpha.’ It means ‘beloved sister’ in Greek.”

“That’s really cool,” Christopher said. He looked up at his dad, head cocked in thought. “I don’t know if my animal’s a boy or girl yet.”

“You will when it’s time,” Eddie said. “And you’re right, that is a cool name. I’m kind of sorry I didn’t think of a better one for Jack, now.” He rubbed under the jackrabbit’s chin. “What do you think, Jack? Should I rename you?” Jack’s closer ear lifted and dropped. “Is that a ‘no’?”

“I think that’s a ‘no,’” Buck confirmed solemnly, eyes twinkling. “You ready to go home, bud?” he asked Christopher.

Christopher looked thrilled, then uncertain. “Are you coming with us?”

“You bet,” Buck said. When he grinned, Eddie felt it right in his heart.

Christopher whooped, then lifted his arms to Eddie. “Let’s go! Let’s go!” He suddenly gasped, like he’d remembered something, and then his good mood dimmed. “Can I say goodbye to Clara first?”

“Oh, yeah. Of course you can.” Eddie gave Jack one last pet. Then he carefully picked up Christopher and set him on his feet next to the bed, then handed him his crutches. Adelpha and Jack both jumped down too, apparently just as eager to go home. “We can do that right now. And you know what?” He pitched his voice to be conspiratorial, and Christopher naturally perked right up. Eddie gave Buck a wink, then crouched so he and his son were eyelevel. “Clara told us at breakfast she’s staying here in LA. She’s going to help build a new Sentinel and Guide Center. And she’s even going to help teach Sentinels and Guides, like you! So you’ll be able to see her a lot.”

“No way!” Christopher threw his head back, beaming the way he did when he was really happy. Then he shuffled forward, leaning into Eddie for a hug, crutches and all. “This is the best day!”

Jack raised up on his hind legs to put his forepaws on Eddie’s thigh, just letting Eddie know he was still there. And then Eddie felt Buck’s hand on the back of his head. His Sentinel’s happiness flowed through their bond like bright water.

“Yeah, Superman, it really is,” Buck said. “Hey, you think so too, girl?” he asked Adelpha, then laughed when she slapped his free hand with her tongue. She pranced around to Christopher and slobbered in his ear, making him laugh too.

“She thinks so too!” Christopher said, still laughing.

“Well, so do I,” Eddie said.

Adelpha licked a big, slobbery stripe up his ear as well, like she approved.

Epilogue

Buck was sulking in the truck as Eddie drove them to the firehouse. He was angry at himself for being late on his first shift back, and pissed off at Eddie for…distracting…him in the shower so he’d lost track of time. Their bond being full of Eddie’s smirky, unrepentant cheerfulness had done nothing to improve his mood, either. Yes, the sex had been great, as usual, but they had work, damn it. And now Buck was probably going to get chewed out. Or worse, Bobby Nash would give him that look, like a disappointed parent. And Buck would want to curl up and die.

“I promise, it’s gonna be fine,” Eddie said, again. He turned off the engine in the station lot, pulled up the parking brake, then patted Buck’s knee. He just gave Buck a big, toothy grin when Buck glared at him, then climbed out of the truck, whistling. The jerk.

So, Buck was expecting the look or worse: the look and the lecture. What he definitely wasn’t expecting was the other firefighters to be lined up waiting for them. And he absolutely wasn’t expecting them to start applauding as soon as he and Eddie came through the open doors.

“So that’s why you made us late!” he hissed. Though it was hard to stay peeved about it when everyone was clapping and grinning like they were all thrilled to see them.

Eddie just laughed and threw his arm around Buck’s shoulders, sending Buck all of his happiness and just a bit of smug satisfaction. “Didn’t want to spoil the surprise.”

“I asked him to delay you,” Bobby said, looking pretty satisfied himself. “Though I really don’t want the details.” He chuckled, then grinned warmly as he strode over to them, and then pulled Buck into a bearhug. “Welcome back, Sentinel Buckley.”

“Thanks,” Buck said, a little overwhelmed by the affection. He indulged himself by hugging back for all he was worth, basking in Bobby’s warm, comforting scent and his steady heartbeat and breathing.

“Hey, what are we? Chopped liver?” Hen said.

Buck jerked his head up, blushing despite the teasing grin on her face. He obligingly stepped away from Bobby to hug her too, while Bobby hugged Eddie. Buck imprinted on her, just to hear her squeal when he dabbed the corner of her jaw.

“No licking! I don’t need more Sentinel cooties,” Chimney admonished when it was his turn. He still hugged Buck just as tightly as Bobby and Hen had. His expression was fondly probing when he stepped back. “You’re doing good, right? Your Guide treating you okay?”

“Yeah.” Buck grinned, sure it was huge and goofy with how stupidly in love he was. He didn’t even care. “He’s been great. Everything’s been great.”

“That’s good.” Chimney nodded seriously. “That’s really good. You deserve it.”

“Yes he does.” Eddie had extracted himself from Hen, and strode up and wrapped his arm around Buck’s waist, pulling him close. He smiled at Chim, though Buck could see the same trepidation in it he could feel along their bond. Chimney and Maddie had visited plenty of times over the last couple weeks, while Buck and Eddie were settling into their new bond and Buck’s leg finally finished healing. Everyone from their shift had, which had been great. But things between Eddie and Chim were still a bit tense.

Chim hadn’t quite forgiven Eddie yet, despite Buck telling everyone what had really happened between him and Eddie, and how he was also to blame. Buck figured it was cause Chim was a Guide himself, but he’d still been kind of standoffish to Eddie even after Maddie yelled at him.

It was annoying, but also humbling. Buck hadn’t figured Chim really cared about him that much. It had taken Buck nearly dying to realize just how important he was to him.

Buck was so glad he had a second chance to realize how important he was to everyone. Even if that meant Chim was still giving Eddie a hard time.

“Glad you’ve finally figured that out, Diaz,” Chim said. His voice was neutral, but then he broke into a small but genuine smile and held out his hand. “Thanks for making sure this idiot stays alive.”

“Hey,” Buck said.

Eddie just grinned, and then ignored Chim’s proffered hand to hug him. Chim didn’t hesitate before he hugged Eddie back, and Buck was flooded with Eddie’s joyful relief.

“Guiding Buck is a privilege,” Eddie said, when he and Chim let go. Buck could feel how deeply he meant it. That was humbling too.

“All right.” Bobby clapped his hands together, getting everyone’s attention. “Let’s let our new pair get changed. Then we’ll go upstairs and have the cake there’s no point in Buck pretending to be surprised about. Hopefully before we get a call.”

“I just thought someone lit a vanilla candle,” Buck said.

“In a firehouse? Really?” Chimney asked.

Buck shrugged. “It’s not like we wouldn’t know how to put it out.”

The cake was decorated with crossed spears inside a shield, the symbol of a joined Sentinel and Guide pair. That made Eddie grin. But it was nothing compared to how he felt when Bobby presented them with new uniform shirts with the same patches, and a silicone bracelet with the combined symbols for each of them.

“Since you’ve got a full bond now,” Chim said, grinning at both of them.

“We weren’t sure if you’d prefer the metal cuff,” Bobby explained. “But the silicone is more practical.”

“Yeah.” Eddie nodded, though he was barely listening. He’d slid the bracelet on immediately; it’d been all he could do not to snatch it out of Bobby’s hand. And now he couldn’t stop looking at it, or rubbing the smooth, slightly waxy feel of the silicone with his fingers.

“You okay, Eds?” Buck asked him.

Eddie’s head snapped up, blinking at his Sentinel. He realized he must’ve kind of zoned out for a moment, because everyone was staring at him. He checked their bond on reflex, but other than being reasonably confused, Buck was fine. It was Eddie’s side that was a bit of a mess.

He smiled crookedly. “Sorry. I, uh.” He swallowed, then grinned again, hoping he didn’t look like he was about to start bawling. “I’ve wanted a bracelet like this for a long time. Thank you,” he said to Bobby. “This…” He shook his head, smiling through the ache in his throat.

Buck put his nearer arm around him, and Eddie leaned into him gratefully. He kissed the corner of his Sentinel’s smile.

“I was going to say…” Eddie had to swallow again. “This really means a lot.”

“It means a lot to us too,” Hen said. “That you’re both here, and healthy and safe. And part of our family again.”

“Amen to that,” Bobby said, and Chim raised his coffee mug in agreement.

“I never thought I’d have any of this,” Buck said. “A Guide…” He pulled Eddie to him a little more tightly. “A job I love…a pack…” He looked at everyone standing around the counter, making sure they understood he meant all of them. “A family… A son,” he said softly to Eddie, like he still didn’t quite dare believe it.

“You’re my partner, as well as my Sentinel. That makes him yours too,” Eddie reminded him. It wasn’t official yet, but it would be. And they didn’t need documents to make it any more true.

Buck beamed at him the same way he had when Eddie and Christopher first told him. “A son,” he added, firmly this time. “This is everything I ever wanted.”

“But you want some cake too, right?” Chim added hopefully, “because I didn’t have breakfast this morning, and—”

The alarm went off.

“And there goes the universe, biting me in the ass,” he finished, sighing.

“Consider it karma for ruining the moment,” Hen said.

“Hey, the alarm ruined the moment,” Chim protested, trotting after her down the stairs.

“You ready for your first call, Guide Diaz? Sentinel Buckley?” Bobby asked them.

“You bet!” Buck exclaimed, grinning like a kid at Christmas. He snatched his new uniform shirt off the counter, frantically unbuttoning his old one as he galloped down the stairs himself.

Eddie grabbed his as well, moving a bit more sedately as he unbuttoned his own shirt. The last thing he wanted was to get injured on his first day back. He’d heal a lot faster now, thanks to being bonded, but why risk it?

Buck trusted Eddie to keep him safe, after all, which meant Eddie had to keep himself safe too.

All the same, he climbed into the engine just a couple seconds after Buck did, with plenty of time to strap in before they had to go.

Buck gave him an enormous smile, practically vibrating with excitement. Their bond fizzed and glowed like sparklers with it. And so much happiness it seemed impossible that Buck’s body could contain it all.

Then again, Eddie was feeling pretty much the same way too.

END